#i am restless i think maybe it’s just bc i’m traveling today but….

[americiumam]

ougghhguhguhhjihhhhrrgrrrggr (complaining in tthe tags)

[batmansymbol]

some stream-of-consciousness rambling about how i’m doing, mostly depressing

the good: my mom got off the immigration list and is going back to malaysia (under quarantine for the first two weeks) for proceedings and that’s the most important thing. she’s traveling there on very empty planes. i’ve been scared that they wouldn’t let her back in because she had to surrender her malaysian citizenship to get US citizenship because my country is built on arrogance disguised as patriotism. anyway - whatever - this is good news.

i went for a run for the first time today in my new neighborhood and baked chocolate chip cookies a couple days ago off my favorite recipe, which is a recipe that one of my closest friends wrote, and which i use whenever i want to feel a bit at home. she also sent me a care package over the weekend, which was lovely of her and has made me feel a little less isolated.

so - i’m up and about, even if my sleep is freshly wrecked. i’m in this weird numb place where i’ll drift around my apartment and feel sort of mismatched to my surroundings. sometimes something will spark a memory (an old red packet i kept bc it was pretty, a recorded voice on a speaker) and i’ll just start crying, and then soon afterward i’ll have this sensation of placement, where i’m very aware of my body’s posture and situation in whatever room i’m crying in, and it sort of shocks me out of crying, and then i straighten up and don’t know what to do.

i’ve been having weirdly normal text conversations with friends who don’t know anything has happened. i just don’t know how to bring it up but i feel like i’m lying when i don’t. i think it’s partially because of this that i’ve been feeling lonely, although i am glad this all happened after i moved into my own place, because i think it would be even more stressful to feel that i need to manage my emotions in order not to constantly depress a roommate.

TV and movies haven’t been helping, but reading has, interestingly. i guess with books there’s a mixture between immersion and action that feels helpful to me, as opposed to film, which washes over me and has been giving me almost a feeling of helplessness, certainly restlessness. there’s a book called the priory of the orange tree, an amazing standalone epic fantasy, that i highly recommend if anyone wants a (giant) new read. really helped knock me out of things for a bit.

i’ve begun to have these moments of fear before falling asleep that i’ll die in my sleep and no one will find my body for days because i’m not very good at communicating, so me not replying to someone’s text wouldn’t be that notable. i keep thinking about my poor health due to nutrition and lack of exercise (thus the run) and anticipating that i’ll be diagnosed with cancer or die of a heart attack. you would think the pandemic would factor into some of this, but i have barely thought about it beyond today, when i was running and trying not to breathe within six feet of passersby.

when i got back to my apartment after my run, my cute neighbor was just coming inside and we had a short conversation about the nearby parks. i thought about how it was unrepresentative for him to see me coming back from a run and he will probably think i am more responsible with my body than i actually am. i also thought about how that was the first in-person conversation i’ve had since friday. i went back inside and looked at my face in the mirror for two or three seconds and felt like i couldn’t really see or understand any of my features. i felt like i’d written that exact scene before.

writing. weird fucking time for that. i was supposed to receive my edit letter for Alone Out Here yesterday, but my editor hasn’t been in touch. i had to cancel a virtual appearance/workshop yesterday, too, and that was definitely the right call, i find myself with weird aversions to things i’m not usually averse to - i don’t want to video chat, i haven’t wanted to be seen. probably why it felt so strange to suddenly have a conversation with my neighbor. i was watching Dark on netflix yesterday and there was an operation scene that made me queasy, which was also unusual. i had to actually look away from the screen; can’t remember the last time i did that.

mostly i go around with the feeling that i’ve forgotten something, even when i’m the most acutely aware of circumstance. feelings of selfishness and disconnection and guilt and alienation cycle in and out. i feel absentminded and scatterbrained, i go from minor task to minor task with something like incomprehension. the dishes i have to do in small groups. same with bringing boxes down to the recycling bins. i have felt anger toward the united states for not engendering a sufficient feeling of belonging in me after 26 years of life here - i think if i felt at home, or like i was meant to be here, this wouldn’t have affected me so much. instead i feel as if for 26 years i’ve been making an incorrect choice to cleave toward western individualism rather than to foster a connection to my roots, and i feel as if the concept of the individual, who i am, is revealing itself to be increasingly ephemeral and unimportant. then i do things like write or take photographs of myself and think about what a narcissist i am.

i’ve been looking at apartments in dublin or london, thinking about how wonderful it would be to feel among family. but in considering moving overseas i catch myself also considering laughably pathetic things - chiefly i think about some man in ireland who stopped replying to my texts a year ago and design elaborate fantasies where we meet again and understand each other, and then i think about how i have never been able to love in the right way, how i unnerve myself with the volume of my own feelings, and then i’m back in this pit of the individual. i think about leaving the united states and immediately i’m trying to form fictional narratives about displacement and expatriation - how can i use this, that, or the other, how can i appropriate everything into fictional use. i think about how i am not honoring my grandfather’s memory and all this shit i’ve been doing is about my own precious fucking feelings. maybe it’s good that my edit letter is on an apparent delay, because the act of writing has never seemed more egocentric to me. what i really feel that i should do is shut up, yet here i am, i keep doing this, i keep going.

[mccoys-killer-queen]

@axelandriab​ thank you so much for tagging me in this bc seeing brand new questions I’ve never answered before is like a breath of fresh air

Do you prefer writing in black or blue pen? black

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? I think about this often and I always used to say city but I’m feeling more country now

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? guitar... please... if not that then I’d like to speak German fluently...

Do you drink tea/ coffee with sugar? nope (unless you count honey as sugar for tea, then yes)

What was you favourite book as a child? I honestly don’t remember reading books/having books read to me but it was probably Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

Do you prefer baths or showers? I haven’t taken a bath in a good 6 years so I forget what it feels like (I don’t fit in my bathtub anymore... I’m too long) so I gotta say showers by default

If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? either some sort of fairy, nymph, or shapeshifter 

Paper or electronic books? Paper

What is your favourite item of clothing? my denim jacket with all my patches on it

Do you like your name? nope :3) I think Rachel is a very boring, generic, uncreative White Girl name and if I ever get famous (which ain’t gonna happen) I’d totally go by a pen/stage name

Who is a mentor to you? pssh just any of my Rock and Roll Dads (i.e. Joe Elliott, Brian May, Kevin Cronin, Nikki Sixx, etc), I feel like They guide me somehow

Would you like to be famous? famous for something good? Yes. I’m such an extrovert like 60% of the time and I love oversharing and sometimes feel like I’d be good at handling fame. Plus honestly I don’t feel like I’ll be able to survive long in life unless I somehow get famous bc let’s face it I’m never gonna have a “real career” or be satisfied with any job or be able to make a living by constantly working (but then again I don’t have any talent that can make me famous either oops)

Are you a restless sleeper? yeah more often than never :3)

Do you consider yourself a romantic person? aesthetically romantic, sometimes, but I identify as aro. Romance irl just feels wrong, like it doesn’t mix well with me, like when you put a certain metal in water and it explodes

Which element best represents you? Earth? Either earth or water

Who do you want to be closer to? “My favourite musicians ;(” <<stealing this too :c just all the Leppard bois pls

Do you miss someone at the moment? Nope

Tell us about an early childhood memory? I had a computer class in kindergarten, and I remember on the very first day of it, the teacher taught us what a floppy disc was when introducing us to all the parts of a computer. This was in 2006, and I still have yet to use one.

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Probably chicken and waffle pringles, but dipped in chili (GOOD)

What are you most thankful for? the money I have in the bank (even tho I try not to touch it), my driver’s license, not having a job right now, my therapist, my music, my hamster, being surrounded by green

Have you ever met anyone famous? Yes, Rick Ray of Sunshine Allen :3 that’s it :’3

Do you keep a diary or journal? Nope, even tho my therapist told me that journaling my thoughts is a big help, I kinda don’t wanna go back to doing that

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? Pen bc it flows easier

What is your star sign? Pisces

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Crunchy all the way, soggy cereal is a HUGE pet peeve of mine

What would you want your legacy to be? someone who was very interesting and did a lot of things

Do you like reading? What was the last book you read? honestly, reading is overrated. Even if the book is good, reading isn’t as hyped up as everyone on this site thinks it is. I do like reading sometimes, but I barely do. I read a lot in high school bc I had so much free time on my hands in class, but outside of school I can’t do it. The last book I read was a reread of The Princess Bride by William Goldman

How do you show someone you love them? *Lisa Simpson staring at plate* ??? Error 405??

Do you like ice in your drinks? yeah but not a lot. Maybe just one or two cubes to keep it cold but not to dilute it a lot

What are you afraid of? being stuck where I am forever, never escaping my family, never finding my path in life, whatever the hell is wrong with my mentality getting worse and impacting my life in a huge way, any health related problems, I could go on :3)

What is your favourite scent? Old Spice

Do you address older people by their name or surname? ...what exactly is this question asking? Depends on how casual I am with them/how well I know them

If money was not a factor, how would your life be different? I would NOT be living here that’s for damn sure :3) I would’ve been to so many different places by now and maybe I’d actually have a real life and actually BE an interesting person

Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools, bc the ocean is too salty and choppy and doesn’t smell as good as chlorine imo

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? “I’d pick it up, and if I saw the person who dropped it, I’d give it back to them” << true but then if i couldn’t find them then I’d probably go buy some records with it and put the change aside into my Concert Fund

What is one thing you’d want to teach your children? honestly I don’t think I’m ever gonna have kids, but I’d want them to understand that gender roles don’t exist, and neither do the opinions of society

If you had to get a tattoo right now, what and where would it be? ...I’m actually getting a tattoo next week... it’s going to be on the side of my right shoulder, a silhouette of a pine tree with an outline of a crescent moon above it

What can you hear now? The sound of the fridge runnin in the room behind me, my mom getting something out of a drawer

Where do you feel the safest? in my bedroom

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? whatever’s fucked up in my head like anxiety and trauma, etc

If you could travel back to any era in time, what would it be? if I had to travel back anywhere and stay there for the rest of my life, I’d probably go back 1979 to see the dawn of the 80s and live through them. If I had to go for a day then I’d probably pick the summer of 1988 or something

What is your most used emoji? probably 🤙

Describe yourself using one word? tough

What do you regret most? not going to see Def Leppard and Journey when they were less than an hour away 2 years ago. Yes, I couldn’t drive back then, so there was really no way I could’ve gotten there and back (and I could’ve BARELY gotten a floor ticket to begin with, it would’ve cost like half the money I had to my name), but with the Stadium Tour being delayed ANOTHER year I feel like 2 years ago was the only chance I’ll ever have had to see my favorite band :c so even though it was basically impossible for me to go, and a lot of the factors of that were out of my control, I still feel like I blew it, and wish I tried literally everything I possibly could’ve done (like just buy the ticket and figure out how to get there later, call everyone I could think of to try and hitch a ride). Even if I did so, there was still a VERY, VERY slim chance that I could’ve ended up going by some goddamned MIRACLE okay I’ll shut up now sorry I’m just still very upset even so much time later

Last movie you saw? in theaters? Rocketman last summer. In general? Uhhhhh I really don’t know, I think it was Love, Simon

Last TV show you watched? on tv? Rick and Morty. In general? I was watching The Young Ones on youtube today

Invent a word and it’s meaning? Scress (we actually made this up like 2 years ago)- it’s a game where you play chess on a Scrabble board while also playing Scrabble

[pastelastronomy24]

An M’Big Surprise

M’Baku x Black!Plus Size Reader

Warnings: None really, M’Baku just plays too much; fluff

Requested By: @yaachtynoboat

———————

It was a bright and particularly warm morning when you woke up, inhaling in the woody scent of Jabari air feeling around for your big beautiful man— only to find that he wasn’t there.

“The fuck?” With your crusted eyelids still closed you slowly rose up and thrashed around a bit hoping (with no avail) that you’d maybe just wandered a little to close to the edge of the bed and away from your man. You were wrong.

You smacked your teeth and groaned forcing yourself to open your sleep crusted eyes and confirm for the third time that M’baku wasn’t there. He still wasn’t.

“I gotta wake up cold and man-less on my damn birthday?” You wiped the grossness out of your eyes and sighed, contemplating where your man could be. Your first thought was maybe he was organizing some breakfast surprise, but the scent of the Jabari air still smelled of the heavy yet non-overpowering musk of wood with a touch of snow. With breakfast out of the running you thought maybe he was in the bathroom, except M’Baku was not a particularly quiet man, even when he wanted to be, and although you weren’t the lightest sleeper his loud ass would’ve woken you up before now if he was in the bathroom.

With a forceful and pitiful groan, you pulled yourself out of your nice warm bed and travelled to the restroom, quickly brushing your teeth and showering. While in your shower you pondered over where your man could be on the very important day of your birth when the thought that he might be in the throne room working crossed your mind, and pissed you off.

“I swear on Hanuman if that fool is really working...” you grumbled and rolled your eyes. You were spoiled by M’Baku yet always humble and gracious. Today however you thought maybe the hard restless work you’d been putting in by your mans side had earned you the right to be just a little bit bratty, especially today of all days. Besides, it was M’Baku himself who said he would act a fool and go all out on your birthday.

So when you finished throwing on your Jabari furs and other clothing attire you dragged yourself to the thrown room. On the way towards the throne room you encountered many of the Jabari tribe, none of which had said happy birthday. In fact they all had made a point to say hello and exchange a few words but not utter anything about your born day. You weren’t trying to be childish but it seemed super suspect that no one was acknowledging your birthday especially since M’Baku had been talking about it non stop for a month.

“What in the blue fuck is going on? Did my people really forget about me?” You sighed as you approached the slender hallway that ran to the dreaded room you were looking for. As you neared the room everything felt more intense around you. The usually nippy air that you’d grown used to had turn harsh and freezing. The usually smooth wooden floor felt rough and textured under your feet and every step you took felt like a chore.

You were really pressed about this.

You’d finally reached the throne room and much to your disappointment you saw M’Baku sat in his hulking chair being hounded by his tribesmen and women. He was working as per usual. When he’d finished talking to Adisa who was one of the tribe doctors, he turned to you and a very visible light came through his eyes.

“Ah my love!! I am sorry I snuck out of our Yara so early this morning. I had some business I needed to catch up on.” He rose from his chair and his damn near 7 foot tall stature sauntered towards you and engulfed you into a large hug. “Baby.... I’m choking...”you managed to cough out before M’Baku completely smothered you. He took a step back and released you from his hold to grasp you at arms length, looking you up and down fondly. You took this as your chance to ask M’Baku if he’d really-like the rest of the Jabari- forgotten your birthday.

“Hey baby, you know what day it is right?” M’Baku let out a boisterous laugh as if you’d told the funniest joke in the world and aggressively patted you on your shoulder. “Of course I know what day it is!! You think your king is too asinine to know that today is Thursday?!” You frowned and suddenly felt like stomping your feet and screaming like a child. “No M’Baku! It’s my—“ he suddenly interrupted you “Favorite day of the week I know my love. It’s as if you think I’m stupid today. Anyways come walk with me to the meeting room, we’re meeting with the other tribes and T’challa today and I think you should be there” at that point you were truly baffled and ready to cry

“But baby it—“ “Yes I know these types of things aren’t the most fun for you but I promise you’ll want to be at this meeting. I think T’challa and I are making great headway with the rest of the tribesmen.”

You officially felt deflated and gave up, letting M’Baku drag you to the meeting area. You figure that once you finally got to sit down and tell him he’s forgotten your birthday, he’d feel horrible and shower you with conciliation gifts so you’d just opted to shut up and get the meeting over with.

The walk had seemed like the longest 30 seconds of your life however you’d soon reached your destination. Before opening the door M’Baku turned to you and grinned “I cannot believe you thought I forgot my favorite holiday.” You choked and bugged your eyes out in confusion. “Nigga what are you talking about”

M’Baku’s response was to just turn around with a disgustingly large grin on his face and swing open the door. You don’t know how it was possible, but it seemed like you saw everybody in the whole of Wakanda in that fucking room.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY QUEEN Y/N!!” You gasped, feeling the burden of sadness weighing on your chest turn into pure happiness. You immediately jumped on your man, wrapping your large thighs around his large everything and cried into his chest.

“I thank the gods above everyday for gifting me with you, of course I would never forget the day of your birth. It’s one of my most cherished days.” You lifted your head from his chest and kissed all over his face and his neck, earning laughs from both the crowd and M’Baku.

“I love you so much. More than anything.” You said into his neck.

“I don’t mean to break y’all two niggas up but I came here specifically for that Jabari cake y’all been talkin bout so imma need us to hop to it” You rolled your eyes at hearing Erik’s voice and turned your head towards him, your thighs trapping M’Baku’s in a death grip which you knew he wouldn’t mind. “Man niggas always have to kill the vibe” you pointed Erik and he showed an increased amount of uncomfortableness. He put his hands up in defeat “Hey uh I apologize, you wouldn’t kill me on ya birthday right??” You grinned “Don’t put it past me Erik” that earned a laugh from the rest of the crowd and soon the party had started full of drinks, Love, food, and hella Jabari cake (both kinds).

Later that night, you’d have to give M’Baku a little “present” yourself.

——————

Short and sweet bc I’m trash okay thank you!

@awkwardlyabstract @texasbama @killmoncoochie @killmongersgurl @killmongerdispussy @eriknutinthispoosy @erikslulbaby @wawakanda-btch @misspooh @sicksadgen

Sorry if I missed anyone

[ouatimaginesnetwork]

“Dream Come True” Chapter 4

Hey guys! I’m trying to schedule this post so hopefully it works! This chapter is where things start to happen. I will not be writing this weekend bc I’m on a weekend get away at the riviera. I am trying to schedule posts though because I will still be writing and that doesn’t require internet access. Still on chapter 9 right now, where rocky things are about to happen. It seems like around 15 chapters is an accurate estimate. Enjoy!

~Hannah Banana :)

Robbie’s pov

He went home and plopped down on his bed, exhausted. He clicked through his phone and saw a voicemail message from her. His ex-girlfriend. He clicked on it and listened to her voice. “Robbie, it’s Jade. Robbie listen, I miss you, I’m sorry, I should’ve never cheated on you. It was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, please Robbie take me back. Call me,” the message clicks and it’s over. He dials her number, unsure of what he will say. “Robbie? I’m so glad you called,” her voice says from the other end. “Listen Jade, I called because I got your message. But I’m sorry, we can’t get back together. You cheated on me, and I just can’t trust you anymore. I’m sorry,” he tells her. “Robbie please,” she begs through the phone. “Jade, no. You not only cheated on me, you cheated on me with my best friend. Goodbye, Jade,” he hangs up the phone, a tear running down his face. He lays back down on his bed, burying his face in his hands. “Why of all things, why am I thinking of her," his mind whispers. The images run through his head, her smooth (h/c) hair, sparkling (e/c) eyes, and her trembling hands, scared of the flight. He smiled when he thought of how she squeezed his hand back. She wasn’t his normal type, in fact she was the opposite. Someone he'd never known before; a fan, she wasn’t skinny, yet she was extremely gorgeous to him. She wasn’t a blonde, and she wasn’t an actor. “Then why, why, can’t I stop thinking about her,” he says to himself. He sighs and turns over, drifting off into a restless sleep.

Regular pov

You walked into your apartment, tossing your keys in a bowl. “Hey bubbles,” you walk over to your turtle’s tank and wave to him. “Beau, Beau where are you?” you call out for your golden retriever. He comes sauntering into the room, running over to you, and attacking you with kisses. “Hey buddy, I missed you too,” you laugh. You throw your suitcase in your bedroom and plop down on the couch, calling your dog up. “So Beau, you’ll never believe what happened,” you pet your dog and scratch his back, retelling aloud everything that had happened the past week. “I still can’t believe it,” you say in disbelief. You change into sweats, crawl into bed, and fall into a dream like state.

One month later

You’re phone rings and you hastily search for it in your bag. “Hello? Oh hey, yea I’m sorry, I’m running a few minutes late, just grabbing some coffee. I’ll see you in a few,” you tell your friend (y/f/n). You had planned a beach day, but you’re useless without your morning coffee. “What can I get for you?” the Starbucks employee asks you. “I’ll take a venti iced vanilla latte,” you reply. You step aside and wait for your drink. Someone comes up behind you and taps you on the shoulder. You turn around and can’t believe who stands before you. “Robbie? Oh my god hi,” you hug him. He wraps his arms around you and says, “It’s so good to see you.” You pull away and say, “You too! What brings you here?” “Oh well, I’m useless without my morning coffee,” he chuckles. You stare at him and say, “I say that too. That’s too funny.” He grabs his drink from the counter, turns to you, and asks, “Are you free right now? Or do you have somewhere to be?” You smile to yourself and say, “I’m free as a bird. Let’s chat.” Robbie leads you over to a table and you shoot a text to (y/f/n). “Hey, ran into Robbie! (I know right :P))))))) Sorry gonna have to take a rain check.” She texts back immediately. “Oh my god, go girl! Flirt your ass off.” You sit yourself down at a table and Robbie sits down across from you. “So what’s new with you, super star?” you ask him. “You know, nothing much. Listen, to be honest, it’s not been easy, after we got back home Jade called me.” You look at him in confusion. “Jade?" you question the name. “You know, my ex-girlfriend,” he replies. “Oh right, sorry,” you say. He continues, “Yea, so she called me as soon as I got back. She begged for me to take her back. But I didn’t. I mean she cheated on me with my best friend. Oh shoot, sorry, I said too much.” You look at him with sympathy and say, “Robbie I’m so sorry. That sucks. You made the right choice though. Anyone who would cheat on you is an utter and complete moron.” He blushes and bumbles, “Thanks.” "How is she so nice all the time,” the thought crosses his mind. He shakes the thought and says, “So what is new with you, (y/n)?” You smile and say, “Oh not much, It’s nice to be back home though, I definitely missed the ocean. And my dog.” “You have a dog?” he grins widely. “Yep, his names Beau. I also have a turtle named Bubbles,” you tell him. “That’s awesome. I wish I had a dog, but I travel so much, it wouldn’t be fair to him,” he replies. “Well, maybe you could meet him someday,” you suggest. Robbie grins and says, “I’d like that.” So the two of you finish talking and your cellphone rings. “Hang on one second Robbie,” you pick up your phone. “Hello? Oh hey boss, yea I can come in today, we can put some new ideas in the works. Okay, I’ll see you soon,” you hang up the phone. Robbie frowns. “Hey, I’m sorry, I’d really love to chat more, but I have to go into work,” you frown too. “It was so nice to see you again Robbie, I’m so lucky to get to run into you. Maybe I’ll see you around,” you get up and turn to go. Robbie scoots out from the table and comes after you, grabbing your shoulder. “Hey, (y/n) wait.” You turn around and smile, “Yea?” Robbie rubs his neck awkwardly and blurts out, “Maybe I could get your number? Just on the off chance we don’t find ourselves in the same Starbucks again?” You grin from ear to ear and say, “Robbie that’d be awesome. Here,” you pull out a pen and grab his hand, scribbling your number on his palm. His hand twitches when you write on it. “There you go,” you put the pen back in your purse. “Thanks, I'll text you,” he smiles and watches you leave.

You practically skip to work, calling your friend (y//f/n) on the way. “Oh my god (y/f/n), guess what?” “What?” she asks eagerly. “Robbie asked for my number!” you squeal. “Oh my god oh my god, we have to chat soon girl!” she squeals with you on the other end. “I know, we need to, but I’m on my way into work now. I’ll talk to you later,” you hang up the phone. You breeze through your work, coming up with new ideas for ticket promotions, though your heart wasn’t in it like it usually was. You kept thinking about Robbie, and how he asked for your number. “How the heck did this even happen?” you ask yourself. You finish your work and scramble back to your apartment. “Hey Beau," you pet your dog as you walk in the door. You spend the rest of the night snuggling with your dog and watching tv, the happiest you’ve been since forever.

Robbie’s pov

Once again he saunters back to his apartment and flops down on his bed. “How the heck did this even happen?” he thinks. He sits on his couch, and drinks a beer, watching tv. His phone rings. “Hey sis what’s happening?” he answers. “Robbie have you seen the tabloids recently. A bunch of people saw you with that fan, and now they think you’re dating her. I don’t suspect Jade will be happy,” his sister tells him. “Well actually Cam, Jade and I broke up, over a month ago.” he says softly. “Oh Robbie I’m so sorry, that sucks man. Though I remember her, she’ll probably call you anyways, insanely jealous,” his sister replies. Then a call comes through on the other end and Robbie says, “Damn you’re right. I’ll call you back later.” He clicks to the other line and says, “Jade. What do you want?” “Robbie what the hell, I beg for you to take me back and you repay me by going out with some fat fan?” she yells into the phone. The insult against her makes him clench his fist in anger. “First of all Jade, we’re broken up, what I do isn’t any of your business anymore. Second of all, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s just a friend. And finally, don’t you dare insult her that way!” he shouts back. “Right, okay, now I’m completely convinced you two are dating. Thanks for spitting all over our relationship Robert,” she hisses into the phone. “You’re the one that cheated on me, Jade. I'm not the one that disrespected our relationship. Goodbye,” he hangs up the phone in tears. It was awfully late, but he needed some cheering up. He pulls back out his phone and texts her. “Hey (y/n), I know we just saw each other, but I’d love to meet your dog. Can I come over?” It doesn’t even take her one minute to shoot back a reply. “Sounds awesome! Beau’s excited. Here’s my address,” she sends a picture of her apartment building and her apartment number. Robbie jumps up and  wipes his tears away. He quickly throws on a sweatshirt and scoots out the door.

Regular pov

You sit around anxiously waiting for Robbie. As soon as he texted you, you jumped up in excitement and ran into your bedroom to change. You pull on a pair of jeans and a dodgers t-shirt. You put on your glasses and pull your hair into a ponytail. Then the speaker buzzes. “Hello?” you call in. The british accent rings back and says, “It’s Robbie.” “Come in!” you shout and buzz him in. A few minutes later he knocks on your door and you open it, grinning. “Hey Robbie, come in,” you swing the door open more. He walks in and says, “Listen, before I meet Beau, I need to tell you something. There’s been people taking pictures, well pictures of us. From the airport back in Stevenson as well as in the Starbucks today. They of course are saying that we’re dating, which we’re not. I’m so sorry, I’ll get it fixed right away, I understand if you’re pissed but”- you cut him off. “Robbie, you don’t have to explain yourself at all. I figured this might happen. To be honest, it’s exciting for someone like me, but I’m more than happy to help you clarify with the press that we’re just friends.” He breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh thank you so much (y/n), for being so chill about it. Now where’s this dog of yours?” he looks around. You call Beau over to you. “Beau! Come here boy!” The big golden retriever comes bouncing over to you. "He's so cute,” Robby bends down and lets the dog attack him with kisses. You could tell Robby needed some cheering up, and you were happy to help. Robbie sits on the couch, petting the dog. “Hey Robbie, what do you think we should do?” you cautiously ask him. He pinches the bridge of his nose and says, “I don’t know, I don’t know, maybe we can release a video on my instagram? Or maybe that's stupid.” “No Robbie, that’s genius! Fans will believe it because it’s coming straight from you,” you admire his idea. “Great,” he smiles and pulls out his phone. “Do you wanna just go for it, or plan on something to say or?” he asks. “Let’s just go for it,” you surprise him by pulling his phone out of his hand. You open his instagram and start a live video. “Hey guys it’s (y/n) here. Robbie and I just wanted to clear up everything that’s been going through the papers,” you explain. Robbie comes into view next to you and adds, “We just wanted to say that we’re just friends. I don’t have a girlfriend and (y/n) is just a fan turned friend I made filming in Stevenson last month. I hope that you all have a fantastic day,” he finishes the video and closes out the app. “Sweet, see now there’s nothing to worry about,” you tell him. Robbie sighs and says, “Yea I guess.” You can see that something’s bothering him and casually pat his arm. “Robbie, are you okay?” you ask tentatively. He turns to you and sighs, “No. So I got the call from my sister, she told me about all the tabloids and not shortly after my ex-girlfriend called me. She was pissed and that just makes it that much harder to forget about her and how she cheated on me. I mean, we dated for two years.” “Yes, you did, and she was a huge part of your life. But you just told the world in that video that you’re single. That’s the first step. It’ll get easier, I promise,” you tell him. His expression changes and he realizes what he said. “You’re right. I didn’t even realize I said it. I’m sure it’ll be out tomorrow. But I’m also sure that they won’t stop. I’m sorry if I totally screwed up your life. Now you’re gonna have people coming to you, asking to meet me, asking if we’re dating, god I really messed up,” he babbles. “Robbie it’s okay. I can deal with it, trust me, and all of that stuff, it doesn’t matter. That’s not going to stop me from being your friend. We are friends Robbie, aren’t we?” you ask him. “Of course we’re friends (y/n). Again, thank you so much for being so cool about this,” he says. “Robbie, you should take the advice Jen gave me on set, stop apologizing,” you say seriously. “You’re right. Thanks. And thanks for letting me meet Beau, he’s adorable, and he totally cheered me up,” Robbie grins. "I'm glad. You’re totally welcome to come visit him whenever you want,” you reply. Robbie smiles and looks around. “Your apartment is lovely, by the way,” he stands up. “Well thanks, it’s not that great but it’s home,” you reply, “Would you like a tour?” “Sure!" he says. So you take him around the tiny studio apartment. The kitchen was small, and a tiny wooden table with two chairs. The counter, surprisingly, was marble and the cabinets a wooden material, light brown. The two of you could barely fit in the kitchen itself. You lead him down the hall and he peeks in the bathroom, which has a massive claw foot bath tub with a shower head above it. “Well you’ve already seen the living room, but here’s my bedroom,” you show him in. It was the only bedroom in the apartment and the bed was a tiny little daybed with a white wire frame. There was a light yellow comforter on the bed, along with various quilts. The only other thing in the room was a night stand, and a massive, multi tiered book shelf, covered in all different kinds of books. “Wow, someone likes reading,” he teases you. “Hey, reading’s cool,” you elbow him. He laughs and says, “I love reading too.” The two of you walk back to the living room and talk for another 1/2 hour or so. “Alright, well, it’s getting late. I’ll text you soon and if you have any problems with any press at all, call me. See you later (y/n),” he stands and walks to the door. “Night Robbie, see you soon,” you shut the door behind him, lean against it and smile. Despite the fact that you had a major crush on this guy, you really did enjoy being his friend. You were beginning to see him as a person and not a celebrity. You shuffle off to bed and have a very restful nights sleep.

[twilger]

Equinox

9.22.18

I’m sitting at a table in the Park Tower Knightsbridge bar. It’s the end of a quintessential rainy London evening.

It’s the first day of fall. As of the stroke of midnight, I’d welcomed autumn 2018 by dancing to house music at Fabric with Kelly and Alyssa. Alex recommended it the first time I traveled to London, but I didn’t make it out. Round 2: this time I was committed, and I was bringing company. We had a blast.

By around 3am or so I was the last of our trio still going, when a girl invited me out to smoke. She pawned me off to her buddies almost as soon as we got outside and we didn’t share another word the rest of the night. Oh well. We burned through a couple of cigarettes together, just shooting the shit. I’m not great at talking to strangers, and I sustained my usual level of awkward, but I tried my best to sound like an interesting American. I’m pretty sure they picked up on me saying “yall” a few times. Maybe they enjoyed that. I was pretty inebriated, so the specifics are a bit fuzzy.

I left right after that. Outside, a man pedaling a pedicab spent several minutes trying to convince me that I should let him to bike me across the city back to my hotel. As I’m writing this, I just now Googled “pedicab” because I was unsure if that is what they are called, and the first link reads “Rip-off pedicab drivers to be forced off London's roads.” Yup. Sniffed that one out right away. I hailed a real taxi and arrived safely back at my room all for the tidy sum of 16.80 GBP.

Seven hours later, I woke up to a drizzling grey September afternoon and a decently strong headache. No surprises there. But I had already set a plan for the day: visit the British Museum. Back home, I would have chalked the whole afternoon up as a loss. But being an ocean away, I felt too guilty to give it up so easily. I forced myself out of bed, into the shower, and on the street before I could think too much about the compounding effects ancient archaeology might have on a hangover. And anyway, the cool air along the walk did me good. Pit stops for one egg sandwich, one cappuccino, and one americano also helped.

So, the British Museum. Holy smokes did these guys go for it. They’ve discovered, taken, stolen the most amazing pieces of history I’ve ever shared a room with. I saw board game rules cut into clay from 177 BC, the oldest written in the world. I saw mummies - one named Cleopatra but not that Cleopatra. I saw a sculpture of Shiva dancing with fire, cast in bronze over 900 years ago. I saw friezes and pediments and statues from the Parthenon that the Brits very much won’t be returning to Greece any time soon. I saw the bones of a Nubian woman lying in the wooden crate she was buried in, exhumed and re-interred, this time under glass for strange people to crowd and gawk, so far and so long from home.

(One parenthetical: The British Museum is incredibly committed to the canon. Greeks, Romans, Mesopotamians run the show. China and South Asia share one gallery. Africa is relegated to the basement, which they share with both Americas, north and south. A whole continent and an entire hemisphere, consigned to the cellar.)

But there I am, living my small, individual life, elbow to elbow with visitors from around the world, catching glances through UV resistant glass, the length of time, space, and humanity wrangled and coiled to fit in museum halls.

What was in our news, today, September 22, 2018? Rejection for Theresa May’s Brexit plan. Christine Blasey Ford agreeing to testify to the Senate Judiciary Committee that Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her at a high school party. Rosenstein plotting to wear a wire to tape and oust the president, maybe? Shootings. Overdoses. Business deals. Children, mothers, fathers, families in dentition, punished, separated, removed, disappeared for crossing our border… most of what happens in the world - keeps happening in the world - happens quietly.

All those relics in the British Museum. Who carved the stone? Who fired the pottery? Who wove the tapestry? Who else is here today with their museum guide rolled tightly in their jacket pocket, overwhelmed by so much history so plainly before them? I overheard a security guard warn a woman to be more careful to watch her purse. Who here is marking unattentive tourists to pickpocket? Did anyone take a pedicab to get here? Who else is hungover?

We’ve been alive so much shorter than the rest have been gone.

Back at my hotel room, coming off a near-perfect day, dread overtook me. I’m sure it’s happened to you, too. You think about death. Not the rituals, not the religion, not the culture around it - but the experience, the a-experience, the being of being dead. You confront it, and terror seizes you. Ice fills your heart. You see your death marching towards you, steady and resolute. Total. Forever. Certain. 

Where will you be when you’re dead? Buried? Cremated? Exhibited in a museum gallery, on loan? Remembered? Forgotten? However it happens, you’ll be gone - gone - for all of it.

Now, I’m here in London, on the far side of the Atlantic. And it’s so rare, such a treat, such a privilege, so exceptional to encounter these things, share these moments, think these thoughts, and meet this world while I’m in it.

There’s this band, A Sunny Day In Glasgow. They have a song titled “Jet Black, Starlit,” but for the longest time I thought they sang the lyrics “Jet Lagged, Star Struck.” I like my misremembered version. It’s how I find myself these days: on the road, restless, astounded to be here at all.

[stars-forever-dwell-blog1]

Acceptance and Stuff

So I had this thought recently. . .

I think that anyone who has ever known that “something is wrong” (in any capacity) can tell you that there is a freedom and a relief that comes with finally knowing what it is…even when it’s not something we like. This can be true of being given the right diagnosis, finally, of finding out what’s bothering a friend, why your partner is acting weird, why your boss wanted to talk to you, etc etc etc. Limbo sucks. Not knowing how to proceed sucks.

In short, not knowing sucks.

For a long time – more than five years – I have had moments of deep, dark, all-consuming self-hatred as I failed to live up to my own standards and expectations again and again. Why was it that I would get a good job (well paying, “normal” hours, socially acceptable, etc), yet after a few months I would start finding it impossible to go in? Why would I call in sick when I wasn’t sick? But I did feel tired and upset and anxious, so maybe I really was sick. . .maybe if I just slept for today, I would be better tomorrow. Maybe I need a Monday to Friday, 9-5 gig like normal people have. Maybe I needed something more artistically stimulating. Maybe I needed something that paid better. Maybe I needed something more intellectually stimulating.

Maybe I needed something more fun. More corporate and refreshingly sterile and not messy. But then where’s the heart? More predictable. More changeable. More challenging. Easier. Less bitchy women who have nothing to do but gossip and backstab. More guys. Less boys. No coworkers. More young coworkers. More mature coworkers. Maybe I needed to get away from that guy I slept with. My boyfriend’s ex who glares at me. All the drama. Whatever.

Yet whatever I chose, whatever I changed, nothing stuck. I always got bored. Restless. Anxious. Afraid. So I could never save any money, so I could never do any of the “big” things I wanted to do in my 20′s. Get more tattoos. Travel overseas. Get a car. Take riding lessons. Live in the country. Get a dog. Get a horse. Get my own house on a handful of acres in the foothills. A grand piano.

And I must say, when I finally just exhaled and said to myself, “I have a disease,” there was a huge feeling of relief. So many of the questions that had previously been swarming in my head were finally stilled. Why haven’t you gone back to school yet? You’re so smart! (Funny how something seemingly positive can become destructive). Why do you work such menial jobs, when you have so much potential? All your friends have houses and condos and kids and dogs and cars and careers…why don’t you? You say you want all these things – travel and a horse and a dog and a life in the country with a garden – yet you are no closer now to any of it than you were when you were 19. . .why is that? What’s wrong with you? Why are you such a loser? You know it’s only going to get harder and harder to make something of yourself the older you get, right? You’re just kind of a fuckup, defective. Some people just are, you know. Even though you’re from a good family who had all the support and opportunities in the world, you’re just determined to fail. I don’t know why that is. (This voice in my head was my mother’s, by the way.) But these thoughts finally slowed until they were almost gone.

A radical self-acceptance was dawning, of loving myself just as I am, with no illusions, no expectations to be or do more than felt be-able and doable. To not demand what felt impossible, exhausting, soul-destroying. To not force myself into roles that were self-destructive, to stop trying to be things that just aren’t me. The perfect daughter in my mother’s eyes is not me, because her perception of perfection is terribly skewed. The perfect employee in the average employer’s eye is not me, because I believe in self-care and conscious living, in getting enough sleep and not losing touch with one’s emotions, one’s soul, one’s inner self. I believe in sticking my toes in dandelions, and I really don’t care if my pants get dirt on them, or if I come back from my lunch smelling like horses. The perfect girlfriend in my own estimation for awhile was not me at all, because I am not an ever-flowing fountain that never needs refilling. I may strive to be compassionate, but I am far from perfect, and I have needs, too. I am not a goddess. Well, I sort of am.

So to finally accept my diagnosis was like, at long last, letting go of an incredibly heavy load that was far too much for me to carry. Accepting my limitations, because we all have them. I think when we’re young, we feel like we don’t have any, we feel like our generation will be the generation to change things, finally! That’s at least how I felt after high school…that our ideals and passions would change the world for the better, that society would become more human and less money-driven, that compassion and passion would gain respect and importance in the collective consciousness, and money and corporate bullshit and toxic lifestyles less so. That people would start to seek true happiness and not settle for the lies fed to them by society, by each other. I thought it would be radical and sudden and dramatic. Yet entering my 30′s, I see things differently now. There will always be people who conform to the rigid parameters that have been laid out for them already, people who will pour themselves into whatever mould they’re told is the “right one”, and not question. But then there are the people who question the accepted reality, the status quo. They don’t just swallow whatever they’re given – they think. They question. They don’t accept indifference, cruelty, ignorance and unhealthiness just because they are the norm. They strive to break free of those chains. They struggle to get past mere survival to thrive. They seek balance – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. And those are the people who are, to me, lights in the darkness, shapes and colour in the gray. And they, too, have been around forever, struggling against the dark in their own small or large ways. Every generation is bringing something new to the table, and it’s exciting to watch, and humbling to realize that my generation is no longer the new one coming out into the world. I equate it to the Aboriginal teaching of the medicine wheel. Each direction – east, south, west, north – all represent a different aspect of life. Childhood, adolescence, adulthood, elderhood. Spring, summer, fall, winter. White, red, blue, black. The teachings go on and on. And sure, maybe you’re having a blast in the east, but the time comes – and you feel it inside – when the wheel is turning, and you’re being pushed out, into the south. And you can’t do anything about it. You can deny that it’s happening and pretend you’re still there, but you won’t fool anyone. And we’ve all seen people who do this. The sixty year old woman at the bar dressed like a teenager, grinding on the dance floor and trying to pick up the freaked out bus boy. The elderly man who denies he has any health issues.

But. . .here’s the thing. Looking back, if I had been diagnosed when the depression actually started, when I was around fourteen, and I had accepted the news graciously and come to terms with the limitations of the disease so early on. . .would I still have done all the cool things that did in high school and my 20′s? Acted in plays all through high school? Went to drama camp? Flew to bc when I was 17 and lived out of my backpack for a year and a half? Hitch hiked all over the province? Lived in a cabin in the woods with no electricity or running water? Protested clearcutting? Lived in my tent? Worked in so many cool places? Lived in so many cool places? Took up karate, snowboarding, started relearning piano, fine-tuning my horseback riding skills? Dared to dream of working with horses one day, of writing a book, of playing music onstage? Because the thing is, with accepting this disease as part of my reality, I have lost so much hope. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the consistently balanced mood or the energy to go to school, or have a career where I have to be “on” for hours at a time. To be honest, the future looks pretty fucking bleak to me right now, and sometimes the thought of dying makes me feel relief, or at best spawns nothing but indifference in me. Because all those cool things I did were always tempered with anxiety, fear, and paralyzing confusion and pain, which is why there has never been any consistency in my life. Nothing flows for very long; it always collapses. And I guess I know that, if I didn’t have this bullshit disease, I would have already accomplished so much in my life, and would just keep going, growing, exploring, learning. . .I would be a force to be reckoned with, instead of a crippled girl. . .stuck. I can only accept so much. It’s the nature of all living things to fight for our lives when they’re threatened, so as long as I’m here, I can’t give up the hope that one day, things will be better than this emptiness that is all I have right now. But am I just deluding myself? It’s said that when people are in life threatening situations, they will cling to any hope to keep going. . .even when they know that hope is delusion.