#i am rarely online but my queue posts 24/7 and i havent opened my inbox in 4 months

[frecklystars]

i have felt absolutely nothing for any of my F/Os lately and idk if coming back online will help. ive been offline since April just queueing literally everything and occasionally coming online if i need to vent and then deleting it and going offline again. my situation really drained me of all of my energy, constantly feeling unsafe and unable to self ship really hurt me. feeling unsafe both irl and with my F/Os really hurts me and i cannot emphasize how damaging it is to feel so unsafe all the time so consistently for 2 years. but im trying so hard to figure out how to bounce back bc my depression is so severe if im not self shipping. so. what do i do here

idk how to uh, reignite a hyperfixation that's 99% gone. genuinely, what do you do if youre autistic and your special interest of one year is fading out? i dont want to replace it with something else + im so depressed i cannot replace it with something else if i tried. i just wanna feel better with my ryan F/Os again even if it's just a little bit. just enough to keep me going

what do i even do? stream a movie night? take ryan character drawing requests/commissions? roleplay with friends who have offered to make F/O accounts interact with this blog? uhhh... man i dont know. ive watched all of ryan's movies except his older ones, and those aren't going to reignite my hyperfixation since i don't have any new characters to self ship with there

its 6am im just rambling into the void and i havent slept. i just wanted to vent 😭 ill delete this later