#i am projecting more strongly than Stephen in the astral realm

[stxphxn-strange]

you don’t have to hurry, you don’t have to try

a/n: i didn’t plan on writing this but this week has been v introspective and a little confusing? so it’s ~self indulgent fic time~. title from “walking on air” by king crimson, regular college au tony angst and a rly soft ironstrange moment

Stephen could tell, even without seeing his boyfriend’s expression, that Anthony was lost in thought. He’d been wandering in his mind for most of the day, and though they helped Stephen knew his gentle encouragements and praises didn’t magically fix everything. He was self aware enough to know he wasn’t that powerful, and he knew he couldn’t banish everything that bothered Anthony. But sometimes Stephen wished it was possible, with just a wave of a hand, to give Anthony the peace of mind that had been stolen from him time and time again. It was late enough to be asleep, but even without seeing his face Stephen knew Anthony was fighting the desire to close his eyes and let the day end. He was curled up in Stephen’s arms, head resting on his boyfriend’s chest as he wandered hopelessly through the maze of his thoughts.

Anthony was exhausted. He spent the day complaining, humorously of course because heaven forbid he gave anyone a reason to find fault with him, that he was tired. Stephen saw right through the act and knew he was legitimately tired, and not just physically. He also knew that Anthony didn’t feel fulfilled unless he accomplished something tangible, and on days when he wanted to do nothing, to just exist outside of the pressure he put on himself, he retreated to relentless self-deprecation for not doing more. He was still used to being judged, ridiculed, and used for what he did or didn’t do, depending on the circumstances, and he’d made a lot of progress unlearning those thought streams, but it wasn’t easy.

So Stephen didn’t fault Anthony for being upset and confused, his heart breaking when he saw how hesitant Anthony was to believe his reassurances. He still didn’t trust himself to let go of all of his façades, especially not the carefully practiced busybody energy he maintained when dealing with others. Sometimes, often without realizing, he really did act as if his entire life was nothing but deadlines. He thought that he didn’t matter, only his work did. Anthony didn’t know what to do with himself as a human, which fucking petrified him. He sometimes didn’t see himself as human, but he couldn’t say how he saw himself. Stephen frowned as he remembered Anthony once saying that he could only ever picture himself as a burden to everyone he knew, or just a mind and body to be toyed with and used.

Stephen was drawn away from the memory of that conversation and back to the present when Anthony looked up at him.

“Thought you were asleep,” he mumbled, shifting just enough to lay his head on Stephen’s shoulder.

“Nah, I’m genuinely not tired,” Stephen replied.

“I’m not either,” Anthony said stubbornly.

Stephen would’ve usually been a bit snarky or argued that during their earlier romp Anthony called him “exhausting”, but this was one of those moments where he didn’t want to banter.

Instead, Stephen took a gentler approach and scoffed at him. “You’ve never been a good liar, Ant.”

“Because I don’t try to lie to you the way I do to other people,” Anthony replied bluntly. “I don’t feel like I need to be protecting myself from judgement when I talk to you.”

“You don’t,” Stephen reminded him, softly kissing his head. “And you don’t have to stay up for me, if that’s what you’re wondering about.”

“Shouldn’t I?” Anthony asked.

“No, in fact I don’t want you to,” Stephen said. “If you’re as tired as we both know you are, you don’t need anyone’s permission to rest and leave today where it is. And you don’t have to sacrifice sleep or your well-being for anyone you’re in any kind of relationship with, and you shouldn’t.”

Anthony looked at him skeptically, as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was really fucking tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep soundly in Stephen’s arms, but he couldn’t overcome his anxiety and felt his heart skip as Stephen frowned.

“Hey, I’m not upset with you,” Stephen said, trying to disrupt Anthony’s anxious train of thought before it took off. “I’m just trying to decide how to say what I’m thinking.”

“I’m listening,” Anthony replied, instinctively reaching out to hug him.

“I know,” Stephen murmured, kissing him again. “But sometimes there’s a difference between you listening to me and you believing what I say.”

Anthony nodded. “Guilty.”

“I get it, though. I don’t blame you,” Stephen began. “And I’m not saying this to try and convince you of anything, if that makes sense. I just want you to understand that you’re one of the most important people, if not the most important person in my life.”

Anthony was silent, expectantly waiting for Stephen to continue as he shifted even closer to him.

“I love you, and I know I tell you that all the time but it means so much to be able to say it, and to be able to love you,” Stephen began. “I know you probably better than I know myself, both because we grew up together and because along the way you’ve always put your trust in me without hesitation. I know you don’t trust easily, and you have valid reasons for doing so, so to know that your trust in me has only increased is so important to me and I’m always going to cherish that. I’m always going to cherish you. Your kindness and selflessness are fucking insatiable and it makes my blood boil to know that people have tried to change and take advantage of you.”

Stephen let his words hang in the air, pressing a flurry of kisses to Anthony’s hair and face.

“You’re the only person I’ve ever really been close to, which you know so I don’t know why I’m telling you that,” Anthony replied. “I know I’m bad at emotions sometimes—”

“You really aren’t,” Stephen cut him off. “You’re very perceptive and empathetic, but much more towards others than to yourself. I didn’t mean to cut you off, I’m sorry.”

“You’ve been interrupting me our entire lives, since even before we could speak full sentences, and now you want to apologize?” Anthony teased. He laughed for the first time all day, his heart lighter than it had been in awhile.

Stephen’s heart sang.

“I love your laugh,” he murmured. “I love when you laugh like nobody’s listening, and when a song you love comes on and you start dancing. I love how you’re always talking about something and bringing people into your conversations. You’re magnetic, not even because of what you say but because of how you say it. Without a doubt you’re the most inviting person I’ve ever known, and I love you for that. I just really love the moments where it just hits me that I’m hopelessly in love with my best friend and that you love me too.”

“I think you’ve seen more of my real self than anyone else” Anthony replied. “Because you’ve always made me feel safe and comfortable enough to be emotional, even when I was discouraged from it. You’re one of the only constants, one of the only people who I know means every word they say to me.”

“I do, and I always will,” Stephen vowed. “I love you for everything you are, for much more than your mind and body even as amazing as they are. Everything at your core combines to make you the most creative, intellectual, and understanding douchebag I’ve ever met, but I wouldn’t have it another way. There’s no one else I’d rather call my lover and best friend.”

Anthony sighed shakily, beginning to cry into Stephen’s shoulder. He was overwhelmed, the stress of the day finally breaking from its orbit around him. His stress combined with the gratitude and love he felt for Stephen, leaving him emotional and vulnerable. Despite all of that, and despite how much Anthony hated to be vulnerable even in front of Stephen (he was still working on that), he knew he’d be okay. He knew he’d be able to be himself, no matter what mood he was in or how that looked, and find a home with his best friend.

Anthony let himself cry until he was almost asleep, his body still recovering from a brutal anxiety attack earlier. He could hear himself talking but was already drifting away, not thinking much before he talked. “I don’t think I’d be... I don’t think I’d be anything without you.”

“Give yourself more credit,” Stephen admonished, his voice sweet and loving and no louder than a whisper. “You’re incredible and unlike anyone I’ve ever known, but not because or in spite of anyone else.”

Anthony hummed, either agreeing with or questioning what Stephen said but it wasn’t clear which. He closed his eyes, looking content with the idea of sleeping for once.

Stephen didn’t say anything, still unwilling at this point to be snarky towards his boyfriend. He just petted Anthony’s hair, whispering as many sweet nothings and affirmations of love as he could.

Anthony still tried to stay up, not because he felt like needed to or because he was annoyed with himself, but because he wanted to hear everything Stephen had to say. Stephen knew this of course, smiling as Anthony fell asleep just after a soft, breathless “love you.”

tags: @stark-strange-love2 @h3mmy @ironstrange-chaos @doctorstephenvincentstarkstrange @majesticnerdynerd @spooky-n-spunky @kiwidino @chocopiggy @maya-custodios-dionach @thespacecryptid