#i am once again asking. his holiness the dalai lama did What.

[diamondnokouzai]

HUH?!?!?!?!?!?

[livexdolan]

what happens in part 5? do they start dating?

A/n: slow your roll bud...all good things come to those who wait 😌

Masterlist

Previously (Pt. 4)

Back pressed into a cold counter and both of you pulling each other impossibly closer. Grayson bites your bottom lip slightly, then pulls back, looking you in the eyes.

Panting, you watch him with hungry eyes and grip the hair on the back of his neck a little harder, pulling him back down to meet your lips.

“Honeyy, I’m home!” Mando’s voice sings as a door starts to open and Grayson pulls away so quickly he bites your lip again, this time hard.

“Ouch!” You yelp, hand going up to your lip as Mando and a group of people walk in.

He raises his brow at the two of us, a knowing smirk starting to form. Grayson swallows nervously, “Y/n uh-“ Grayson runs his hand through his hair, “she ran into the doorway. Busted her lip open. I was going to help her with it.”

You give Grayson a look that says, ‘that’s the best excuse you could come up with?’ and Mando just hums, crossing his arms, “Mhm, sure.”

“No, seriously!” You say, trying to sound convincing, keeping your hand on your lip, wincing in fake pain, “You know me- always running into things.”

Grayson laughs and you join in, the two of you looking at Mando and praying he doesn’t press the issue, “Riight,” he drawls.

Before he can say anything else, Ethan and everyone from the backyard comes back in and start greeting the new people. That’s when you really start looking at the rest of the group.

It’s Mando, Dylan, and Chase. Followed by Leah, Kayla, and Aly. You try not to groan outwardly at the sight of Kayla. She’s been trying to get Grayson to make her his girlfriend since sophomore year of college and even though he turned her down at least three times she hasn’t gotten the message.

It doesn’t help that you know, for a fact, that Grayson’s fucked her twice. That’s what started this whole thing because he was known for never sleeping with the same girl twice. In his defense, he only slept with her again because he was so drunk he thought she was our other friend Becca. But Kayla doesn’t know that, or she does and ignores it, either way she annoys the shit out of you.

“Alright! Let’s get everyone into their rooms,” Ethan announces and everyone gathers back around the island, Grayson, Ethan, Kristina, and you all standing on one side. Ethan pulls out his phone and goes to a list in his notes.

“We already wrote out who was staying where but if you want to switch rooms, it’s no big deal,” Grayson adds and Ethan nods in agreement.

“There’s two master bedrooms and then four separate bedrooms with two bathrooms to share. Me and Kris are in one master and Gray and y/n are in the other, Mando you’re with Ryan-“ Ethans voice is cut off by a cough.

He looks up from his phone and we look at an awkward, blushing Mando, “I was- uh- I was actually hoping to share with- um- Mia,” he stutters out and Mia blushes too.

You smile at the two and Grayson chuckles, “Thats fine, Mando. The room chart isn’t set in stone,” Ethan smiles too and erases something on his phone, typing something else.

You eyebrows furrow as what he said finally hits you. Oh hell no, “Okay, now-“

“Where’d you say I was sleeping?” You cut Ethan off and he over with raised eyebrows and Grayson blushes.

“You’re sharing with me,” Grayson says and you scoff.

“No, I’m not.”

“C’mon, y/n, it’s not that big of a deal. We’ve shared before,” Grayson sighs.

“Can’t I just share with Ryan?” At the sound of his name, Ryan coughs on his drink.

“I’ll share with him,” Kayla has the nerve to squeak out, raising her hand like we’re in a fucking classroom or something. She glares at you, then cuts her eyes to eye fuck Grayson, “If y/n doesn’t want to.”

Grayson looks at you, eyes pleading, “please, y/n. Please,” he whispers and you roll your eyes.

Sighing, you shake your head, “Nevermind. I’m fine, actually. Sorry to interrupt.”

Kayla scoffs and had the audacity to look offended, “seriously?”

You raise your eyebrow at her, “seriously.”

Ethan coughs and starts again, “Alrighty then- Mando and Mia- first room on the right. Ryan and Chase, second room on the right. Dylan and Aly- you okay with sharing a room?” He looks at the two siblings and they nod, “Okay, first room on the left. Kayla and Leah you’re in the second room on the left. Go off and do whatever,” Ethan dismisses everyone.

“Where’s our room?” You ask as everyone starts to disperse.

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you,” Grayson says.

“Oh, ok,” you say dumbly.

Grayson heads back over towards the door and grabs our bags. He nods his head in the direction of the hallway everyone walked down and you follow him. Heading down the hallway in silence, you realize he’s walking past all the rooms. We turn at the end, coming to a staircase, “I thought all the rooms were on one floor?” You ask, very confused.

“No, the main master was originally on it’s own floor. It was my dad and ma’s but when dad got really sick and couldn’t walk upstairs-“ He pauses for a second, you place your hand on his arm gently, knowing it’s hard for him to talk about it, “They converted two of the other rooms downstairs into one master,” Grayson finishes as we get to the top.

There’s a small hallway, two doors, one on the left down further and a double door to our right, “What’s down there?”

“The study,” Grayson says bluntly, and you know not to ask more about the room.

Instead, he opens the large double doors, “Oh my God,” slips out of your mouth as you walk into the large room.

Large doesn’t even begin to describe it, though. The ceiling’s vaulted with a dark wood. A California king bed sits on one wall, then on the same wall as the double doors there’s a leather couch, it faces a stone fireplace with a flat-screen above it, a bookshelf on one side, meeting up with the wall-of-windows that is across from the bed.

“Go look at the bathroom and closet,” Grayson says, obviously amused by your reactions.

Walking to the second set of double doors, you gasp audibly when you see the bathroom. The bathroom’s dark grey and emerald green. The whole left wall is a counter, two sinks and a built-in vanity at the end. The glass shower’s to the right, taking up almost the whole wall, there’s two rainfall shower heads and six other shower heads spread out on the walls. At the end of the shower, there’s a small partition with the toilet, giving it some privacy but not messing with the airiness of the room. The best part of the bathroom though, is the large window looking out at the mountains, above an egg-shaped tub big enough for almost everyone downstairs. Off to the side, after the toilet, is a door. Opening the door, you’re confused as you come into another room. This one’s smaller, but still bigger than your bathroom at home. There’s a seat in the middle, a ceiling-to-floor three-way mirror, and a door that leads back into the bedroom.

Seeing two more doors you open one, seeing a regular-sized walk-in, with wood drawers and shelves. There’s a few clothes already in here. Opening the second door, you stop in your tracks, “Holy shit.”

The closet is in an L-shape, a mini-crystal chandelier hangs over the middle of the room between two small, square islands. The walls are head-to-toe cabinets, drawers, and racks. It’s all in a lighter wood than the rest of the bathroom and there’s mint green instead of emerald. The seat in the middle is even mint green. Damn, Lisa boojee as fuck. Walking back out, you see Grayson putting his stuff in the smaller closet.

“Nice, isn’t it?” He asks, not turning around to look at you.

“How did your parents afford this?” It’s the main question that’s been on your mind since learning they owned it. Everyone knows the twins are upper-middle class but this? This is upper-upper class standards.

Grayson glances over his shoulder at you, “When one of dad’s old friends found out E and I were going to school out here, he gave the house to my parents for like, a fourth of what it was worth,” he shrugs and turns to you.

“That was so awesome of him.”

“Are we just going to ignore what happened earlier?” The edge to his voice takes you by surprise, looking up at him you see his expression is guarded but you can see the fear of rejection in his eyes.

“I-uh,” you bite your lip nervously, looking down at the ground before glancing back up at him, “I don’t know,” you shrug.

He narrows his eyes at you, “You don’t know?”

“Do you want to ignore it?” You try to sound unaffected but you can hear the emotion in it.

Grayson’s facade cracks slightly at the sound of your voice and your nervous attitude. He doesn’t want to intimidate you, “Look-“ he runs a hand through his hair, “Let’s talk about this in the bedroom.”

You nod silently and follow him out of the closet and the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. He sits on the arm of the couch, facing you. Looking out the windows you still can’t believe you get to wake up to this view everyday for two weeks. It’s also a nice distraction from the 6’0 buff god staring at you.

“Are we going to talk about this like adults or are you going to run away again?” Grayson’s voice cuts through the tension in the room and you flinch at the slight infliction in his tone.

You take a deep breath, looking at him. Something in your gut tells you this is it. You are face-to-face with a fork in the road. Nothing is ever going to be the same and once you start down one road, you can never turn back. And as much as you want to ignore it and pretend everything’s fine- this talk is long-overdue.

You close your eyes for a moment, all your best memories together flashing through your mind, before taking you back to that party a few weeks ago. The memory is sobering and you open your eyes.

Staring into the green-and-brown abyss of Grayson’s eyes, you state, “Let’s talk,” in a voice calm enough to make the Dalai Lama think ‘dang, that’s a calm girl’.

A/n: okay okay i am so sorry for the long wait!! I hope you enjoy this part because it was so hard to figure out where I wanted it to go. There’s only going to be a few more parts but I am very very excited for what’s to come. Once again- thank you for the patience, love, and support I’ve gotten. It truly means the world! Also you know I had to leave y’all on a cliffhanger for now ;)

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Why I Am Not A Unificationist

I’ve been a Unificationist since childhood. From then, until I was around 19, I had to eat all of the sadomasochism fed by Rev. Moon. My new Father. My new Messiah. I’ll take some time to go through them, but please be patient. I had been told that God was some sort of compulsive crybaby whose universe was forever torn asunder because two naked teenagers had pre-maritial sex in a garden. A step up from the apple and snake, I admit, but the Garden of Eden is still a myth no matter how you spin it.

Anyways, I was also told that human history was a convenient series of failures on behalf of the human race to understand the infinite sorrows of God. The Church painted said God, interestingly enough, as quite impotent. He was a servant to some pseudo-scientific law, called the Divine Principle: a lugubrious, confusing, absurd, and comical attempt to plaster Moon’s idiotic theology onto human history. Neon Genesis Evangelion’s myths made more sense.

I’m not quite sure if the Divine Principle was supposed to be a moral law or not, but I certainly was given that impression. I would be horrified and disgusted if the Principle was by any stretch of the imagination considered moral. This so-called morality dictated that again, because two naked teenagers had pre-marital sex in a garden, the Biblical wars against various tribes, the Crucifixion of Jesus, the Fall of Rome, both World Wars, the Holocaust, the Korean War, and numerous other tragedies, in the Bible and in history, were ordained by the Divine Principle to occur as payment for indemnity, or global karma. The Principle has weird ideas on proportionality. I don’t think that even Zeus, at the height of his maliciousness, would have approved of such a doctrine, so it would be doubly discouraging if a loving and compassionate God did. 

Why then does Moon praise the Principle with such fervor? Even it was true, it should have been condemned and resisted, even if the effort was futile. Of course, there’s always the idea that the Principle is brutally objective, but then, I don’t recall Newton’s Three Laws of Motion or the Pythagorean Theorem bluntly putting persons into sides of God or Satan.

Again, I swallowed this nonsense in my elementary years – I didn’t know any better. I think that I was still watching Power Rangers. So all of this made me very terrified of sex. Moon had a cute obsession with sex. If you don’t believe me, just look up the instructions for the 3-day ceremony. It’s quite revealing. He also said that if a pretty woman attempts to touch your penis, you should kick her 1,000 miles and God will praise you for it, but I’ll touch on his sexism later.

He just could not stop going on about the sexual organs and how they were at the center of the universe, or something like that. Easy enough to pledge abstinence when you’re young, but after puberty, I felt like I was walking in a nightmare. No sex until after I married, and Lord knew when that was going to happen. No choking the chicken, either, but when I did get the occasional slip of the wrist, so-to-speak, my whole being filled with guilt, as if I had committed a crime against God and joined the ranks of Satan.

I realize that abstinence is quite common among many Christians and even Muslims in this country, but at least they are allowed to date! Yes, because God certainly doesn’t want His Children engaging in the evil of DATING. Okay, so women were off limits until I married. At least I got to choose my wife. Oh, what’s that? My wife could be chosen for me? We might barely know each other before getting married? She might not even speak English? There could be a waiting period before having SEX? You know, there’s a word for people who have a peculiar interest in other people’s sex lives, they’re called perverts, and Rev Moon was certainly among them. Lord knows the countless unintentional pregnancies, STI infections, and abortions his teachings may have prevented had he taught instead about the options of masturbation and birth control.

Speaking of sexuality, Rev Moon was diseased with homophobia. I am sorry to say that I caught this disease as well. Moon referred to homosexuals once as dung-eating dogs and homosexuality as an activity that attracts Satan. He also said that those who love dung eating dogs, ergo people who support gay rights, will produce that quality of life. I’ve heard some homophobic statements from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, but Moon’s hate speech sounds like something you’d hear from Neo-Nazis. Yeah, I went there, but Moon’s words were straight up dehumanizing and condemnable. NO group of people deserve to be described in that fashion. Also, Moon himself said that Hitler and Stalin were reborn as new beings, and they declared him the messiah. So he seems to think quite a bit of their opinions.

In any case, many religions still have trouble with treating homosexuals as equals, and that’s a shame. I repeat, a shame. Moon could have learned a thing from Desmond Tutu. Even the 14th Dalai Lama supports gay marriage and Pope Francis, who does not like homosexuality, says that the Church has no right to interfere with the spiritual lives of gays and that he has no authority to judge gay Catholics. I grew out of homophobia after I grew out of Moon.

Then there’s this whole damned idea of Rev Moon being the Messiah. Hell, anyone can claim that. Just ask Father Divine, Marshall Applewhite, Elijah Muhammad, Jim Jones, or L. Ron Hubbard. We all know the story. Jesus asked Moon to take up the cross and suffer for humanity as the first True Parent. The whole idea being that Jesus was supposed to get married as opposed to being crucified. Now I wouldn’t force crucifixion on my worst enemy, but marriage on the other hand, should be a choice, not a requirement for joining heaven, as Moon teaches. I think that most people are comfortable with the parents that they already have, and don’t need fanatical ones from Korea.

What makes Moon so special that he should be the Messiah, anyways? It’s his word against mine. Surely, Jesus didn’t expect Moon to convince people on word alone. Except that he apparently did. To be honest, I believed that Moon was the Messiah out of pity. He does deserve some. His home country was torn apart before his eyes, and he had to suffer atrocious accommodations in a North Korean prison camp. No one should have to go through that. The pressure was all around me to convert. Certainly I wouldn’t turn against a man who suffered so much. Before I knew it, I was bowing before photographs and reading books I could hardly understand at six in the morning. For those who want a better idea of what I am talking about, check out the film, “Ticket To Heaven.” Moon, however, had a habit of romanticizing Korea as the center of the world. I don’t hate Korea. It’s a fine nation, but not a holy one. Since Moon cast North Korea as Satan and South Korea as God, he probably forgot to mention that “God’s” nation had brutal dictators like Park Chung-hee.

I could also go on about how, in face of separation of church and state, Moon crowned himself like a king in the Dirksen Senate Office Building, how he implored Americans to forgive Nixon who sabotaged the Vietnam Peace Talks in 1968, how he founded the Washington Times which spews climate change denial, and how he had at least one affair while dictating other people’s sex lives, but I think I’ve made my point. Moon is no more of a messiah than my dead goldfish. If you still want a Korean to admire, try Kim Dae-Jung.

In closing, you may wonder what exactly liberated me from my slave-masters? It was a woman named Nansook Hong, whose book I would implore all of you to read. She married Moon’s first son, Hyo Jin, and suffered unspeakable abuse, both mental and physical. When Moon was told of these things, he blamed her for not being a good wife. This is the sexism I was referring to earlier. Moon was more concerned about his magnanimous legacy than about the domestic abuse of his daughter-in-law. As I read her testimony and followed her journey, I found myself going through a similar one. By the last page, I left the church and freed myself from the depressing theology of Rev Moon. I live a happy life now. I’m not very religious, but I don’t hate religion. 

Moon didn’t learn a lot from religion. Many Jewish scholars see the Old Testament stories as metaphors to learn from, not literal historical events representing the Cain and Abel dichotomy. If Moon really understood Jesus, he would have lived more like Gandhi, Tolstoy, or even Shaliene Woodley, as opposed to Donald Trump or John D. Rockefeller. The Qur’an opposes collective punishment for crimes done by others and would be disgusted with ideas like indemnity. While both Buddhism and Hinduism see atheism or agnosticism as acceptable spiritual paths, Buddhism more so. Moon denounced godlessness as Satanic.

I would like to thank HWDYKYM for giving me a healthy space to express these thoughts. As you can see by the length of this, they’ve been bubbling beneath the surface for some time now. I know that I may not have not have gotten everything right as far as Moon’s doctrine is concerned. I simply speak from my own experience – what I was taught, what I had believed. I hold no ill will towards current members, by the way. Many of them are still beloved members of my friends and family, just don’t expect me to go to workshops.

Sun Myung Moon’s theology used to control members

Divine Principle – Parallels of History

Sun Myung Moon  – Restoration through Incest

Moon’s Theology of the Fall, Tamar, Jesus and Mary

Nansook Hong, transcripts of three interviews

Nansook Hong In The Shadow Of The Moons, part 1

[ritacaroline]

In The Light          Jimmy Page Fan Fiction            Part 60                   Conclusion

Part 60    Conclusion

Conclusion    Just One Thing

Written Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Takes place August 1st, 1978

Later, they were laying around in the yard outside the pool, on an old tablecloth. Gazing up at the sky watching clouds, moving along at a slow pace.  Just laying there thinking.  In the light.

They were lazing around smoking a joint, one rolled with the good stuff. Jimmy always had the good stuff.  Just took a couple of hits to get off. Soon they started pointing up at clouds in the deep blueness above, which appeared in some way as animals, as clouds do.  It was easy to come up with odd thoughts, as a result of the weed.  Jim stated, “That one there looks like a moose.”

 "Wow, it does.“ she remarked. Again he spoke, “over there is kind of like a little bird.”

Jill said, “ Look,  hmmm,…. I see a waiter, holding a stack of plates and he’s sliding on a banana peel. And he’s about to fly…..in through the out door !”

“Holy smokes,” he said, “what an imagination !”  But, there’s something poetic about that phrase, ..In through the out door. I’m gonna need to write that down for later use, he thought. She had just made that waiter thing up, to entertain him, she didn’t see that image there at all.  He knew it, she was always extremely entertaining and silly, and he very much enjoyed that part of her personality.

Quiet stillness overtook them for awhile. He felt so natural and light, so at ease with her. It was euphoric. Just laying there outside together, talking. Who could ever imagine that ? He realized she was the most pure friend he had ever had.

Then suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, Jill drew in a deep breath, and sang out as loudly as possible….

“Good morning,  Starshine !    The Earth says… hello ! ”

 He laughed his adorable laugh immediately and followed it with,  “ You twinkle above us !…  we twinkle below !“  loudly and way out of tune.

  It was so unlike him to sing, especially so spontaneously. They both fell into hysterical laughter.  Snorting and all. “That song’s a hippie mantra, is it not ?” he asked.

“Why yes, yes it is. And you ought to know !  You’re practically King of the Hippies.” she replied.

“Wow, that’s a cool title, not sure I can live up to it, but I can try. Next we need to try Green Tambourine. And just see how it goes ?“  She was laughing and loving this silliness from him. It was then that she realized, he was her best friend. Best sweetest friend ever.

Jim remarked, “How did we find so much entertainment by just smoking a doobie and laying on the grass ? Me and my girl. You are absolutely magical to me.  No one could ever replace you in my heart, my angel.”  Then, in a heavily thoughtful moment, he started contemplating his next statement.  They were now laying down in the sunlight, partially blocked by the shady canopy of leaves on the trees.  Laying there in close proximity face to face, on their sides.  With a deeply serious look, he stroked her hair and exclaimed pensively,  “ Jilly ?  I have to tell you something. “  She looked at him with concern and said, "Yeah ? What ?” as he slowly twirled her pretty hair between his fingers.   “It’s that, … I love being with you. You’re all I look forward to when we’re apart. I adore your company. ”

 She was relieved at his sweet remarks. Because his initial remark seemed to proceed something serious.  She responded lightheartedly, “And I as well, yours ? Is that the right way to say it ?” laughing.

Jim stared down at her, in deep thought, lying down, his head held up by one hand,  “No baby, I’m serious. You are extremely important to me. You're…., what I mean is,  I’m in love with you. You’re the woman I love.”

 Time stood still for a few seconds. She lost her breath for a moment and her throat became choked up. While looking into each other’s eyes, his became glassy.  “I don’t usually say things like that.” he said.

She answered  “No, no you don’t. Really caught me off guard with that one.” She was shocked and deeply moved at once. 

He continued, with a serious look, “ but I mean it. And I’m not saying it because I’m high.  I mean, I am a little high. But, it’s the pure honest truth. I am so in love with you, darling, my heart is burning !”

She’s stared at him with mouth ajar, and her entire body tingling in disbelief. She felt a little out of breath, as though someone had knocked the wind out of her.  

He continued, “Do you love me too ? My beautiful girl ? I’m gonna die in agony if you say no. Please, say you love me ? …What do you say, girl ?”

As a few seconds passed, he searched her face for a response. It felt like years to him. The pain was harsh.  “Please, answer. Tell me.” he questioned.

“ Yes, I love you !  With all my heart. Of course I do !  I  never loved a man before, the way that I love you !  Never in my life. The pain of it is killing me !”

 He immediately grabbed the back of her head, pulled her to his face and smashed his mouth against hers in a messy rough wet kiss of pure raw love and emotion. His admission of his love for her felt like a fresh wound in his chest, the actual saying of his deep feelings. It was as though a gash had been torn into his flesh and it bled like mad and burned. He ached for her love so badly. He held her close with her face in his hair and he now dripped a few tears. The emotions for him were just way overwhelming. He choked on the messy tears as they dripped in huge blots all over the hollows of his throat and upon her neck and into his glorious black locks. He held tightly onto her, never wanting to let go. It was so strong, it felt like a love that happens once in a hundred lifetimes.  She held onto him as well, with all her strength and tried to absorb it all.  He asked her, “Tell me again, my love. Say it again, please.”    

 “Jim,..I’m in love with you.” she said.   “Oh my God. Hearing you say that,… oh  Lord. What you do to me. You put thrills through my bones when you say that.”  And she was speechless again and just put her soft lovely fingers into his hair and petted the side of his face and kissed him under his jaw, then on his lips. And she tasted the salty tears that had run across there.  

Her realization of his feelings for her was so profound, outrageous. Jill loved him so dearly, his words had been so unexpected and meant so much to her. So much pleasure and confusion now flooded her brain.  All she could do now was to cling onto his slender body as tightly as possible. She didn’t think it could exist or that it was possible. The knowing, blazed like a red hot ember. Her new confession of love for him seemed like an unreachable rare animal such as a rare hummingbird alighting onto your finger.

He lay there in her arms, his very confirmation of his love had left him completely helpless and exposed. He was hers. It was his idea. He was giving himself to her. His heart was wide open at that moment, completely raw, burning. In the past this would’ve been quite an unpleasant state of being for him. But, strangely now, he didn’t mind it at all. In fact, he liked it.  Anything for her.  He told her “I’m at your mercy, my love. I’m yours. You’re free to do with me as you like.  I’m defenseless.”

She smiled with this revelation. It was pure bliss. They lay there kissing tenderly, nibbling and licking each others lips. His manly hands caressing her waist and hips. They were exhausted.

He was the ultimate perfect man for her.  She said thoughtfully, “Your love, Jim, it’s just too good for me. I don’t deserve it."   He responded with, "Oh my God, yes you do angel. Yes.   You do. You deserve that and much much more. ”

They lay there silently together for a few moments, thinking about what just happened.They had their foreheads pressed together while Jill massaged the sides of his head at his temples and his hairline. It was so soothing and loving and comforting all at the same time. He knew he had his exact right match in his arms, the way that she made him feel, so loved.

At that point, their little buddy from next door, Ben came wandering over. As per usual, he was in a carefree mood, not a worry in his head.  He flopped down, again uninvited.  He lay on his tummy with bent elbows ahead, his chin held up by his hands under his jaw. He gazed right at them.  Bug carrying cage and a net by his side, along with a dirty face, probably a peanut butter and jelly face.

“Yes ?” said Jill, with a questioning expression. “What can we do for you ?”

Ben hesitated, obviously in deep thought. Finally he looked at Jill and blurted out, “Is he your boyfriend ?”

She waited a few moments to answer. “Yeah, I’d say he’s my boyfriend.”

Next, now gazing directly at Jimmy he said,

“Jim ? Is she your girlfriend ?”

“Yep, she is.” he stated.

“Oh."  Ben thought deeply again and lay quietly now.

Jill was thinking, Uh oh. What in hell is coming out next ?

Ben said, "I have a girlfriend too you know.”

“You do ?” Jill asked.

“Yeah. She’s in my kindergarten, her name’s Melissa.” He was now sitting up straight, eager to spill his story.

“So, here’s what happened, okay ?  I told her I love her.

Then I kissed her, right near her mouth.  And she didn’t run away. Not like that other time when I,…well, never mind.”

Ben continued, “So then, I just said to her, Can we get married ?”

“And what did she say ?!"  Jill asked, now intrigued.

"She said, okay.” he stated calmly, shrugging, unaffected.

Jimmy said, “Wow ! You have guts, mate !”

Ben said, “Yeah, I do. That’s how you do it.  I’m just tellin ya, Jim.  If you want a pretty girl, all for yourself, only for you.  All ya do is you say,  ” I love you ! Can we get married ?”

“Uh huh !” Jimmy said. “That’s all ya do ?” he asked. Jim nodded with a knitted brow, intensely as if he had just been given the secret of life, by means of the Dalai Lama. He was faking the deep gratefulness bullshit, eyebrows pointing down, for Ben’s benefit.

Jill was laughing now, covering her mouth so as not to embarrass Ben, but still a little uncomfortable. It was a sensitive subject which had never come up in conversation between them before.

Jimmy just looked at them both, in kind of a mock-startled expression, mouth open and also at a loss for words. This entire conversation had caught him off guard and had caused him a tiny bit of discomfort.

Ben jumped up, grabbed his bug carrier and net, and ran off without even a goodbye nor a look back. Better things to do, they guessed.

Alone again, Jimmy could see Jill squirming a bit, while also a little embarrassed.

He said, “That’s what kids do, you know, I guess.  They just blurt things out in a natural way. Nothing held back. They just let it out. Don’t feel weird about it, darling.”

Jill loved how he cared about her comfort and had tried soothing her uneasiness with his sensitive words. She was constantly amazed at how caring he was.

Next Jim made a deep thinking statement, “ When do people change from being that spontaneous, to being so boring and planned out ? When ?” he wondered.

They then just stopped talking and lay peacefully in the grassy garden for a little while. Jill was feeling so relaxed and a little drowsy.  She had her head against his shoulder and his upper chest. His arm around her back was entangled in her gorgeous dirty blond hair which was spread all over. He just studied her peaceful face at rest there, in the light. He was so enamored with her at that moment.  Jill slowly sat up and stretched.   She said softly,  “Let’s go in and get some tea.” and slowly stood up. He stood also.

“Sure,"  he replied, "but just one thing angel…,”

“Yeah ?"  She stopped and turned, looking right at him.

At that moment, right in front of her, he got down onto his right knee, looking up straight into her beautiful eyes, and he took her hand.

His sharp eyes were softened by feelings of love, and he started, "Jill, I am so in love with you.  Will you marry me ?”

He then put his other hand into his jeans pocket and pulled out the most amazing sparkler she had ever seen.

A huge diamond ring, reflecting shards of light everywhere, brilliantly.  No box, or wrapping, just here it is. Right out of his pocket. Anything for her. It had been there in his pocket all the day long. He held it up to her and said, “I got this for you, my love.”

Her mouth fell open. She put a few of her fingers over her mouth loosely, shaking in astonishment. Tears started to spill out, she couldn’t speak. He took her left hand and gently placed the ring onto her delicate finger. She began nodding yes, tears falling down now.

“You will, angel ?  That means yes ?” he asked.

“Oh my God yes ! Yes yes.  I’m so in love with you too, Jim, so much” she exclaimed.  He began hugging her head close to his throat now, ecstatic with her reaction. They stood there a long while in a loving embrace, and kissed with a messy wet kiss that was so emotional and so strong, it could have melted a thousand glaciers. He said  “Please, don’t cry, my love. Don’t cry !    It’s going to be beautiful.”

                                                                     The End

How did any of you like this story ?  Criticism or any comments very welcome. 

Sequel to    In The Light  “ Starshine”        is  found at : https://ritacaroline.tumblr.com/post/184383708541/starshine-ch-1-jimmy

Chapter Index :

https://ritacaroline.tumblr.com/Fan%20Fictionfe

[garywonghc]

Beyond No-Self

By His Holiness the Dalai Lama

The teaching on the twelve links of dependent origination is common to all Buddhist traditions; however, the interpretation of the twelve links, their processes, and particularly the explanation of the first link, ignorance, is different for the Madhyamaka school than it is for the other philosophical schools.

The other schools define fundamental ignorance as grasping at the self-existence of the person. Grasping at the self-existence of a person means believing there is a self that is somehow distinct from our body and mind — our aggregates. Such a self is thought to act like a master over the physical and mental components of a person.

The seventh-century Indian Buddhist philosopher Dharmakirti gives an example of this belief in his Exposition of Valid Cognition (Pramanavarttika): Say an old person whose body is deteriorating and is full of aches is given the opportunity to exchange his body for a much healthier body. From the depths of his mind would emerge a ready willingness to take part in such an exchange. This suggests that deep down, we believe in a self that is distinct from our body, yet somehow master over it.

Similarly, if a person with a poor memory or some other mental deficiency were given an opportunity to exchange his or her mind for a fresh one with superior cognitive powers, again from the depth of the heart would arise a real willingness to enter into the transaction. This suggests that not only in relation to our body but also in relation to our mental faculties, we believe in a self who would benefit from such an exchange, a self that it is somehow the ruler or master of the body and mind.

The other schools define grasping at self-existence as the belief in this kind of discrete self — a self-sufficient and substantially real master that is in charge of the servant body-and-mind. For them, the negation of that kind of self is the full meaning of selflessness, or no-self. When we search for such a self by investigating whether it is separate from the psychophysical aggregates or identical to them, we discover that no such self exists. The other schools’ interpretation of the twelve links of dependent origination therefore defines fundamental ignorance as grasping at such a self-sufficient and substantially real self.

Madhyamikas would agree that gaining insight into such a selflessness does open the way to reversing the cycle. However, as Nagarjuna argues, while this is a form of grasping at selfhood, it does not get at the subtlest meaning of selflessness.

With insight into this grosser type of selflessness, you can reverse some habits related to the grosser afflictions. But wherever there is grasping at an intrinsic existence of the aggregates — the body and mind — there will always be a danger of grasping at a self or “I” based on those aggregates. As Nagarjuna writes in his Precious Garland (Ratnavali):

As long as there is grasping at the aggregates, there is grasping at self; when there is grasping at self there is karma, and from it comes birth.

Nagarjuna argues that just as grasping at the intrinsic existence of the person or self is fundamental ignorance, grasping at the intrinsic existence of the aggregates is also grasping at self-existence. Madhyamikas therefore distinguish two kinds of emptiness — the lack of any self that is separate from the aggregates, which they call the emptiness of self, and the lack of intrinsic existence of the aggregates themselves — and by extension all phenomena — which they call the emptiness of phenomena. Realising the first kind of emptiness, Nagarjuna and his followers argue, may temporarily suppress manifest afflictions, but it can never eradicate the subtle grasping at the true existence of things. To understand the meaning of the first link, fundamental ignorance, in its subtlest sense, we must identify and understand it as grasping at the intrinsic existence of all phenomena — including the aggregates, sense spheres, and all external objects — and not merely our sense of “I.”

THE RELATIVE I

The search for the nature of the self, the “I” that naturally does not desire suffering and naturally wishes to attain happiness, may have begun, in India, around three thousand years ago, if not earlier. Throughout human history people have empirically observed that certain types of strong, powerful emotions — such as hatred and extreme attachment — create problems. Hatred, in fact, arises out of attachment — attachment, for example, to family members, community, or self. Extreme attachment creates anger or hatred when these things are threatened. Anger then leads to all kinds of conflict and battles. Some human beings have stepped back, observed, and inquired into the role of these emotions, their function, their value, and their effects.

We can discuss powerful emotions such as attachment or anger in and of themselves, but these cannot actually be comprehended in isolation from their being experienced by an individual. There is no conceiving an emotion except as an experience of some being. In fact, we cannot even separate the objects of attachment, anger, or hatred from the individual who conceives of them as such because the characterisation does not reside in the object. One person’s friend is another person’s enemy. So when we speak of these emotions, and particularly their objects, we cannot make objective determinations independent of relationships.

Just as we can speak of someone being a mother, a daughter, or a spouse only in relation to another person, likewise the objects of attachment or anger are only desirable or hateful in relation to the perceiver who is experiencing attachment or anger. All of these — mother and daughter, enemy and friend — are relative terms. The point is that emotions need a frame of reference, an “I” or self that experiences them, before we can understand the dynamics of these emotions.

A reflective person will then ask, What exactly is the nature of the individual, the self? And once raised, this question leads to another: Where is this self? Where could it exist?

We take for granted terms like east, west, north, and south, but if we examine carefully, we see these again are relative terms that have meaning only in relation to something else. Often, that point of reference turns out to be wherever you are. One could argue, in fact, that in the Buddhist worldview, the center of cyclic existence is basically where you are. Thus, in a certain sense, you are the center of the universe!

Not only that, but for each person, we ourselves are the most precious thing, and we are constantly engaged in ensuring the well-being of this most precious thing. In one sense, our business on earth is to take care of that precious inner core. In any case, this is how we tend to relate to the world and others. We create a universe with ourselves in the center, and from this point of reference, we relate to the rest of the world. With this understanding, it becomes more crucial to ask what that self is. What exactly is it?

Buddhists speak of samsara and nirvana — cyclic existence and its transcendence. The former, as we have seen, can be defined as ignorance of the ultimate nature of reality and the latter as insight into the ultimate nature of reality, or knowledge of it. So long as we remain ignorant of the ultimate nature of reality, we are in samsara. Once we gain insight into the ultimate nature of reality, we move toward nirvana, or the transcendence of unenlightened existence. They are differentiated on the basis of knowledge. But here again, we cannot speak of knowledge without speaking of an individual who has or does not have knowledge. We come back again to the question of the self. What exactly is its nature?

This type of inquiry predates the Buddha. Such questioning was already prevalent in India before the Buddha arrived. Until he taught, the dominant belief was that since everyone has an innate sense of selfhood, a natural instinctive notion of “I am,” there must be some enduring thing that is the real self. Since the physical and mental faculties that constitute our existence are transient — they change, age, and then one day cease — they cannot be the true self. Were they the real self, then our intuition of an enduring self that is somehow independent but also a master of our body and mind would have to be false. Thus, before the Buddha, the concept of the self as independent and separate from the physical and the mental faculties, was commonly accepted.

Innate grasping of selfhood is reinforced by this kind of philosophical reflection. These Indian philosophers maintained that the self did not undergo a process of change. We say, “when I was young, I was like this,” and “when I am older, I will do this,” and these philosophers asserted that these statements presume the presence of an unchanging entity that constitutes our identity throughout the different stages of our life.

These thinkers also maintained that since highly advanced meditators could recall their past lives, this supported their position that the self takes rebirth, moving from one life to the next. They maintained that this true self was unchanging and eternal and, somehow, independent of the physical and the mental aggregates. That was largely the consensus before the Buddha.

The Buddha argued against this position. Not only is our intuition of an inborn self a delusion, he said, the philosophical tenets that strengthen and reinforce such a belief are a source of all kinds of false views. The Buddhist sutras therefore refer to the belief in selfhood itself as the mind of the deceiver Mara — the embodiment of delusion — and as the source of all problems. The Buddha rejected the idea of a self that is somehow independent of the body and mind.

Does that mean that the person does not, in any sense whatsoever, exist at all? Buddha responded that the person does indeed exist, but only in relation to the physical and mental aggregates and in dependence on them. Thus the existence of the individual is accepted only as a dependent entity and not as an independent, absolute reality.

Buddhist philosophical schools therefore all agree that an independent self, separate from the body and mind, cannot be found. However, when we say “I do this” or “I do that,” what exactly is the true referent of the person? What exactly is the person then? Diverse opinions arose among the Buddhist schools regarding the exact identification of the nature of this dependent person. Given their shared acceptance of existence across lifetimes, all Buddhist philosophical schools rule out the continuum of the body as constituting the continuity of the person. Therefore, the differences of opinion surround the way that the continuum of consciousness could be the basis for locating the person or the individual.

In a passage in his Precious Garland, Nagarjuna dissects the concept of a person and its identity by explaining that a person is not the earth element, water element, fire element, wind element, space, or consciousness. And apart from these, he asks, what else could a person be? To this he responds that a person exists as the convergence of these six constituents. The term “convergence” is the crucial word, as it suggests the interaction of the constituents in mutual interdependence.

How do we understand the concept of dependence? It is helpful to reflect on a statement by Chandrakirti in his commentary on Nagarjuna’s Fundamental Stanzas on the Middle Way, where the following explicit explanation of how to understand a buddha in terms of dependent origination is found. He writes, “What is it then? We posit the tathagata in dependence upon the aggregates, for it cannot be asserted to be either identical with or separate from the aggregates.” His point is that if we search for the essence of something believing we can pinpoint some real thing — something objectively real from its own side that exists as a valid referent of the term or concept — then we will fail to find anything at all.

TIME AND THE SELF

In our day-to-day interactions, we often speak of time. We all take for granted the reality of time. Were we to search for what exactly time is, we could do so in two ways. One is to search with the belief that we should be able to find something objectively real that we can define as time. But we immediately run into a problem. We find that time can only be understood on the basis of something else, in relation to a particular phenomenon or event. The other way to search is in a relative framework, not presuming an objectively real entity.

Take, for example, the present moment. If we search for the present moment believing that we should be able to find a unique entity in the temporal process, an objective “present,” we won’t find anything. As we dissect the temporal process, we instead discover that events are either past or yet to occur; we find only the past and future. Nothing is truly present because the very process of searching for it is itself a temporal process, which means that it is necessarily always at a remove from now.

If, on the other hand, we search for the present within the relative framework of everyday convention, we can maintain the concept of the present. We can say “this present year,” for example, within the broader context of many years. Within the framework of twelve months, we can speak of “the present month.” Similarly, within that month, we can speak of “the present week,” and so on, and in this relative context we can maintain coherently the notion of a present moment. But if we search for a real present that is present intrinsically, we cannot find it.

In just the same way, we can ascertain the existence of a person within the conventional, relative framework without needing to search for some kind of objective, intrinsically real person that is the self. We can maintain our commonsense notion of the person or individual in relation to the physical and the mental faculties that comprise our particular existence.

Because of this, in Nagarjuna’s text we find references to things and events or phenomena existing only as labels, or within the framework of language and designation. Of the two possible modes of existence — objectively real existence and nominal existence — objectively real existence is untenable, as we have seen. Hence we can only speak of a self conventionally or nominally — in the framework of language and consensual reality. In brief, all phenomena exist merely in dependence upon their name, through the power of worldly convention. Since they do not exist objectively, phenomena are referred to in the texts as “mere terms,” “mere conceptual constructs,” and “mere conventions.”

SEARCHING FOR THE SELF

At the beginning of his eighteenth chapter, Nagarjuna writes:

If self were the aggregates, it would have arising and disintegration; if it were different from the aggregates, it would not have the characteristics of the aggregates.

If we are searching for an essential self that is objectively and intrinsically real, we must determine whether such a self is identical to the aggregates or is something separate from them. If the self were identical to the aggregates, then, like the aggregates, the self would be subject to arising and disintegrating. If the body undergoes surgery or injury, for example, the self would also be cut or harmed. If, on the other hand, the self were totally independent of the aggregates, we could not explain any changes in the self based on changes in the aggregates, such as when an individual is first young and then old, first sick and then healthy.

Nagarjuna also is saying that if the self and the aggregates were entirely distinct, then we could not account for the arising of grasping at the notion of self on the basis of the aggregates. For instance, if our body were threatened, we would not experience strong grasping at self as a result. The body by nature is an impermanent phenomenon, always changing, while our notion of the self is that it is somehow changeless, and we would never confuse the two if they were indeed separate.

Thus, neither outside the aggregates nor within the aggregates can we find any tangible or real thing at all that we can call the self. Nagarjuna then writes:

If the self itself does not exist, how can there be “mine”?

“Mine” is a characteristic of the self, for the thought “I am” immediately gives rise to the thought “mine.” The grasping at “mine” is a form of grasping at selfhood because “mine” grasps at objects related to the self. It is a variation on the egoistic view, which sees everything in relation to an intrinsically existent “I.” In fact, if we examine the way we perceive the world around us, we cannot speak of good and bad, or samsara and nirvana, without thinking from the perspective of an “I.” We cannot speak of anything at all. Once the self becomes untenable, then our whole understanding of a world based on distinguishing self from others, “mine” from not mine, falls apart. Therefore, Nagarjuna writes:

Since self and mine are pacified, one does not grasp at “I” and “mine.”

Because the self and the mine cease, the grasping at them also does not arise. This resonates with a passage in Aryadeva’s Four Hundred Stanzas on the Middle Way in which he says that when you no longer see a self in relation to an object, then the root of cyclic existence will come to an end.

One who does not grasp at “I” and “mine,” that one too does not exist, for the one who does not grasp at “I” and “mine” does not perceive him.

In other words, the yogi who has brought an end to grasping at “I” and “mine” is not intrinsically real. If you believe in the intrinsic reality of such a yogi, then you also grasp at selfhood. What appears to the mind of the person who has ascertained the absence of self and its properties is only the absence of all conceptual elaborations. Just as grasping at me and mine must cease, so must grasping at a yogi who has ended such grasping. Both are devoid of intrinsic existence.

The point is that our understanding of emptiness should not remain partial, such that we negate the intrinsic existence of some things but not of others. We need to develop a profound understanding of emptiness so that our perception of the lack of intrinsic existence encompasses the entire spectrum of reality and becomes totally free of any conceptual elaboration whatsoever. The understanding is one of mere absence, a simple negation of intrinsic existence.

DISMANTLING THE CAUSES OF CYCLIC EXISTENCE

Nagarjuna continues,

When thoughts of “I” and “mine” are extinguished with respect to the inner and the outer, the process of appropriation ceases; this having ceased, birth ceases.

This refers to the twelve links of dependent origination. “Inner” and “outer” here can be understood as the conception of self as either among the aggregates or apart from them. When grasping at self and “mine” ceases, then, because no more karmic potentials related to external or internal phenomena are activated, the ninth link in the twelve links of dependent origination — grasping, or appropriation — will not occur. We will no longer grasp at objects of enjoyment and turn away from things we deem unattractive. Thus, although we may continue to possess karmic potentials, they are no longer activated by craving and grasping, and when this happens, birth in cyclic existence, the eleventh link, can no longer occur. This is the sense in which birth will come to an end.

Therefore, as we deepen our understanding of emptiness, the potency of our karma to propel rebirth in cyclic existence is undermined. When we realise emptiness directly, as it is stated in Exposition of Valid Cognition, “For he who sees the truth, no projecting exists.” In other words, once we gain a direct realisation of emptiness, we no longer accumulate karma to propel rebirth in cyclic existence. As we gradually deepen our direct realisation, so that it permeates our entire experience and destroys the afflictions, we eventually eliminate the root of grasping at intrinsic existence altogether and the continuity of rebirth in cyclic existence is cut. This is true freedom, or liberation, where we no longer create new karma through ignorance, where no conditions exist to activate past karma, and where the afflictions have been destroyed at their root.

[apprendrelacoeur]

well it certainly has been a while. i was just thinking that while i’m on this plane & have a moment to spare...i might as well catch up on my own thoughts, especially since 2017 is ending soon & i haven’t really taken much to this blog in 2017.

i think...2017 was one of the hardest years in terms of work. school work, internship work, freelance work. i was very busy this year trying to figure out my life after college while writing a thesis. i graduated from undergrad & i started making income--albeit very small income. i learned how to write an invoice & also learned a shitton about finances in honestly less than a year. i went apartment hunting (incredibly stressful experience for several reasons). i started reading more--more than i ever did in college. & i actually really enjoy shopping for books now. i also started to realize when i don’t need to spend money, & where i don’t need to spend money. 

not really sure how to structure this post, but i suppose the easiest way would be to just go backwards. 

i spent christmas with my family & we went to hawaii. while i was in hawaii, i got a full time job offer. it was one of the heaviest moments of relief i’ve ever felt. i’ve been job searching for so long, & while i knew i would eventually get one, i was getting really restless & impatient...& honestly a little worried that maybe i won’t unless i look at other positions & responsibilities. but i’m so fucking glad i finally have a job. with a company i love working with doing work that i love doing in an office/building i love being in. i may be bottom bitch but getting a permanent position at this company is just one step towards one day not being bottom bitch. 

moving onto a different topic. earlier today while i was waiting at the gate, i read The Dalai Lama’s “An Appeal to the World”. the book is tiny, but i didn’t expect to finish it in one sitting--less than one hour to be exact. that makes it the second book i’ve read by His Holiness (the first one being “The Universe in a Single Atom: The Convergence of Science and Spirituality”). before that, while on vacation, i finished reading bubzbeauty’s book too, “A Beautiful Mind, A Beautiful Life: The Bubz Guide to Being Unstoppable”. her book was such an easy read. it just felt like watching one of her videos---albeit a really long video. but what bubz’s book & BOTH of His Holiness’ books have reminded me & taught me is to be kind & be patient. & it brought me back to a lot of the things i talked about a lot when this blog first started.

the world is so much bigger than me. sure there are moments where it might feel like the world is a small place but in the end, we are nothing. we are absolutely nothing on this minor planet, orbiting a very average star in one among a hundred billion galaxies. but because we are nothing, & because our world is so much bigger than who we are, we have to make every second count. every second gone is a second that will never be had again. being kind, understanding, patient, empathetic, & compassionate make this shitty world so much more bearable---for everyone. 

i have always known that i am a pacifist. i hate war. i hate violence--even something as small scale as a fight after school or something. i hate it all. i truly truly want everyone to get along, because in the end we are one in the same. though our personalities, temperaments, likes & dislikes differ vastly from person to person, at a biological, basic level we are all the same. the only thing that separates us is the land we live on. for me, race means nothing in the grand scheme of the universe. religion means nothing in the grand scheme of the universe. humans are born innately good & kind. but humans are the only species that go to war with each other. humans are the only species that will kill one another simply because of a disagreement in religious ideology or government philosophy.

i fucking hate it. i hate how ignorant & cruel & greedy & narrow-minded some humans can be. this is not the type of world i want our generation’s kids to grow up in---the type that teaches them it’s ok to shoot someone because God told them to or that it’s ok to ban an entire group of religious people from refuge & salvation just because some who subscribe to that same religion have violent tendencies. 

one thing The Dalai Lama spoke about a lot in both of the books i read is that change must begin at the beginning: education. he says that schools must begin to teach education of the heart, secular ethics, & morals. it is not enough to educate our brains. we must educate our hearts as well. we must teach our children to be compassionate, understanding, patient, & respectful of all human beings. His Holiness said that he thinks the world would be better off without people, & i absolutely agree. i would have no problem dying if it meant this earth was rid of war-mongering people. but back to the education of the heart, many people today need to realize they must grow their hearts to be more compassionate as well. if people would just take the time to understand their nieghbours & their enemies more, the world would be a much better place. The Dalai Lama says is, “i don’t have enemies, just people I don’t know yet.” y e s. he doesn’t hate the Chinese government for their “genocide” in Tibet. he doesn’t hate the Chinese government for driving him into exile for 58 years & counting. he doesn’t hate the Chinese government for wanting to decide who the next Dalai Lama would be. he respects the Chinese government & is very hopeful of peace between China & Tibet in the future.

i find that so wonderful. it is so easy to succumb to feelings of hatred, frustration, judgment, prejudice, & cynicism. an interviewer once asked the Dalai Lama why he doesn’t hate the Chinese government. He asked why he should be upset. He said that if he did get upset, he’d just have to calm down eventually & that’s much too exhausting. & he is absolutely right. i have always prided myself on not being an angry person. i don’t get angry very often, & when i do get angry, it doesn’t last long because it takes out all of my energy. after awhile i just decide to forgive because i’m tired. & i know there are plenty of other people out there like this too. but if we all just decided to not succumb to our feelings of anger in the first place, & chose to stay positive, imagine how much less exhausted we would feel.

now that was weird for me to type: “stay positive”. i’ve always been against optimism & “staying positive” because i felt like people who were optimistic or too positive were naive & fooling themselves of reality. i preferred to preach pragmatism. i preferred to preach practical hope: keeping hope alive in your heart but still accepting & knowing that shit will happen---more often than not. well that’s another thing that i wanted to talk about in this post. bubzbeauty is an incredibly optimistic person, & it did bother me in the past. but after reading her book, i do feel inspired to be more optimistic, but it’s not blind optimism. i think i’ve come up with my own definition of optimism that i can live with. i don’t know if this definition is already out there, but it’s something that i’ve come to realize on my own & so for now i will call it my own. i’d like to think that it’s the happy medium between optimism & pragmatism.

how i define myself being an optimistic pragmatist (or pragmatic optimist) is accepting life’s downfalls---sometimes even welcoming them, because i am well aware of their existence. i know life is about the highs & lows that happen in succession. i know i will have bad days--relapse days. i know i will have manic days. i know i will have suicidal days. but i also know that i will have ok days, gr8 days, & truly gr8 days. i know i will have days that make me feel grateful to be alive, & motivate me to stay alive. i know i will have days that i don’t want to end because they’re so gr8. i know i will have a balance of both in my life, because the universe is all about balance. but no matter what kind of day i’m having, i have to believe that things will be good for me in the end. i have to trust that the universe is taking me to where i belong. i have to remind myself that things could always be worse---not just for me but for everyone else in the world. 

while i’m having a gr8 day, i have to be extra grateful for it because someone in the world is having a horrible day, & i’m lucky to be alive & smiling, with shelter & food available to me whenever i so please. while i’m having a shitty day, i have to be grateful that i am at least no longer numb to the world & to life, that i can at least feel something & still have shelter & food available to me whenever i so please---because someone else in the world does not. & to add onto all of that, if someone disrespects me in public, or responds to me rudely, or behaves in a way that i don’t agree with, i must try to remain calm & refrain from judgment. i don’t know what that person is going through & i have no right judge them for having lower character than i do just because we’re different. 

the latter half of 2017 is when i really began to realize just how meaningless my life is. i don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way. what i mean is...i’ve always talked about how i’ve gone through so much shit & how it’s hardened me over the years. but honestly...who the fuck cares. in the end, the shit i go through means nothing in the grand scheme of the universe. my hardships mean nothing to a stranger, mean nothing to my employer, mean nothing to my superintendent, mean nothing to my neighbours. i cannot walk around with self-pity cause it’s...honestly just not cool. i know there have been times where i was truly depressed, truly suicidal, & truly low beyond low. i’m not discrediting those times because those feelings were very real. but now it’s time for me to move forward & not think about the past so much. 

one of my best friends once told me that he thinks the reason why i’m always so sad & disappointed in the world is because i continue to think about all the bad things that have happened to me in the past, & that since that’s all i’m focusing on, i miss the good things that happened to me in between. i’ve come to realize that he was right. i don’t even want to begin thinking about all the possible good times i missed because i was so focused on my past. now with my updated life philosophy, i find myself still thinking about the past, but in a more reminiscent way. i’m more focused the present. i think the time when i was most focused on the present was 2015, & i’m trying to get back to that. in between that time & now i lost it a little, but i’m working to get back there---or at least the 2018 equivalent. 

despite these two authors & the three books though (which i recommend to EVERYONE by the way), the one person that has taught me above all else about patience & compassion is my boyfriend. i’m pretty sure he has no idea, but being with him for the past 18 months has really taught me more about patience & understanding. whenever we get into arguments, i find myself practicing mindfulness. i choose to not be petty & instead be straightforward with him about my feelings. instead of playing mind games, i’m honest. instead of getting frustrated at him immediately over something that may be nothing, i decide to breathe, be patient, & understand his situation better in order to be a kinder girlfriend. most recently, though, i’m learning to expect less of him--not because he’s been a disappointment but because it’s not fair to him that i do so. i think the biggest thing i took away from bubz’s book is an anecdote she wrote about a time when she was angry at her husband & venting to her older sister. bubz went on & on about how she felt like tim wasn’t putting in the same amount of effort as she was in taking care of their firstborn, & she resented him for it. her older sister was silent at first but then said, “lindy, you’re not disappointed in tim. you’re disappointed in your own expectations.” that really stuck with bubz, & it really stuck with me. it is not fair to get upset at my boyfriend for not doing something that i only expected him to do. he is not a mind reader & i should not expect him to be. i should also not get frustrated over his shortcomings & just appreciate & love him for who he is in my universe. actually, instead of saying i should expect less of him, it would be better to say that i should just not expect anything of him. that’s much better. because to me he is already perfect & for me to expect more of him is to be greedy.

so in summary, my 2018 spiritual resolutions are:

to stay kind

to stay patient

to stay understanding

to stay compassionate

to stay empathetic

to practice optimistic pragmatism or pragmatic optimism

anyways...as always this was longer than i intended it to be. you know what in the future i should just not care about whether or not the post is longer than i intend.

ok that’s added to the list of resolutions: don’t give a crap about how long my posts become & don’t apologize for it.

(:

; e

[themoneybuff-blog]

Inspiration from Sathya Sai Baba, Stephen Fry, Son Volt, and More

Once a month (or so), I share a dozen things that have inspired me to greater personal, professional, and financial success in my life. I hope they bring similar success to your life. 1. Bob Dylan on regrets I dont believe in regrets. Regrets just keep you chained to the past. You gotta make peace with the past. Theres no reason to regret it. Youve done it, just make peace with it. Bob Dylan A few weeks ago, I was digging through some very old journal entries, some of my oldest ones from the mid-1990s. I read an entry about an old friend of mine who passed away several years later. Our friendship had faded and I actually didnt hear about his passing for a while, well past his funeral, and it filled me with huge regret when I heard about it and I actually felt some regret when I read this entry. As I thought about him, Im reminded of what one of the best people Ive ever known, who Ill call Tony, once said about friendships. He told me that some friendships are for a day, some are for a season, and some are for a lifetime. They all fill a need for us, but its okay for some friendships to only be for a day and its okay for some friendships to only be for a season. Just dont let them end with a cruel word. We were great friends at a key point in both of our lives and then our lives went in different directions. I dont recall ever saying anything cruel or intentionally leaving him out; I simply moved several hours away and then, shortly thereafter, he moved away as well and we simply didnt see each other any more. I dont regret letting that friendship end any more. Rather, Im glad we were friends at that time when we needed that other person in our life as someone to hang out with and talk about the inherent difficulties of figuring out what came next in our lives. We both needed that, and then we didnt, and thats okay. [embedded content] This song comes straight out of that time period I wrote about above. This song, the entire album it comes from, and some of the albums of two closely related bands (Wilco and Uncle Tupelo) were the soundtrack of that period in my life. Over the last few weeks, Ive played so many of those albums over and over again, out of a mix of admiration of the beauty of that music as well as the way it can transport me to another place and time if I let it. Music has an ability to do this. Art has an ability to do this. Its somehow tied to feelings deep inside of us, and for me, this song taps into that sense of doing something familiar but knowing that the familiar is about to end. I think it comes both from the song itself and from the period of my life that I identify with it. 3. Sathya Sai Baba on when to speak Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve the silence? Sathya Sai Baba Im trying to move in this direction with my own conversation, moving away from meaningless chit chat and trying to save my words for things that actually have meaning and are better than the silence. The big challenge that I often have to overcome with this is that, for several hours a day, Im mostly silent. I work from home, by myself, and theres no reason to talk. Thus, when my kids and my wife get home, Im anxious to simply communicate with another person and sometimes Ill end up just talking for the sake of talking. Thats a bad habit and I want to trim it out, so Im focusing on being more purposeful with my words. Am I communicating kindness? Am I communicating anything useful? Am I communicating worthwhile information? If not, why speak? 4. The Five Minute Method Im not sure where I picked up this idea, but its something that Ive done both consciously and unconsciously for years and its been particularly powerful as of late. The idea is this: whenever theres something you need to do that you really dont want to do, agree to just do it for five minutes literally setting a timer if you want and then you can quit with no guilt afterwards. Thats it. Dont want to exercise? Agree to just do some exercise for five minutes. If your timer goes off, you can quit, or you can go longer if you want in either case, its a win. Dont want to meditate? Set a five minute timer. Dont want to do that dreadful work task thats hanging over your head? Set a five minute timer. Dont want to dig into that project thats going to take all day? Set a five minute timer. Quit after the five minutes if you want. Do it another day. This really works for me for some reason. Quite often, once the five minutes are up, I want to keep making headway on the project at hand anyway. If I dont, I know I can quit with no guilt because I know I made just a little progress. It goes back on tomorrows to-do list. Try it. Use it with every task that seems miserable in your life. 5. Aaron Sorkin on learning If youre dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If youre smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. Aaron Sorkin This is spectacular advice. If you want to genuinely understand the world better, surround yourself with people who know things that you do not and learn from them. Theres only one problem with this strategy: there are enough people in the world who are genuinely opposed to being exposed to new ideas that many people have their guard up and immediately get defensive when discussing ideas. If you ask a question, they assume theyre just being attacked by someone who isnt actually genuinely interested in an exchange of ideas, but rather in just creating conflict and discord. In other words, this approach does not work well online outside of specific, carefully moderated situations. It works best face to face, with people youre interacting with directly and who you have some form of real life social connection with. It is that social connection that encourages those involved to put down their defensiveness and exchange ideas. Its why I go to meetups. Its why I like to go to lectures and presentations when I can. Its why I often have really deep discussions with friends I trust. Its why I read books that challenge me. I dont know a lot of things about the world, and even in the areas I do know well, I dont know every perspective or idea. I want to know those things. [embedded content] From the description: Thubten Chodron is a Tibetan Buddhist nun, prolific author, and world renowned teacher. She is the founder and abbess of Sravasti Abbey, and co-author of a book with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Want to be happy? Join Venerable Thubten Chodron to learn how. By becoming aware of how our actions affect those around us, as well as ourselves, she offers ways to identify and overcome our self-centered attitude that pretends to look out for our welfare, but is actually self-sabotaging and primes us to make unwise choices. The core idea that she presents is that taking purely self-centered actions ones where we dont even consider the impact on others rarely brings us lasting happiness. Rather, considering how the things we do affect others and filtering what we do to center more on things that benefit others and ourselves often becomes a source of lasting happiness. Think about the things you do in a given day. How many of them are things that you do entirely because they benefit you? How many of those things are things that youve even considered in terms of how they affect people besides yourself? Heres a good practice: spend a day logging everything that you do. Then, a day or two later, go through that log and ask yourself how many of those things were done solely because they benefited you. Then, for each of those things, consider alternative things you could have done that might have been good for others, too, without shortchanging yourself (or only having a minor relative drawback for you). I did this a week or so ago and I found a lot of little things that I could do differently. It was pretty surprising how I could tweak lots of little things in my life to be a little less self-centered without adding a whole lot of effort, and then doing things in the less self-centered way felt a whole lot better. For example, I redid my morning routine so that I could make a better breakfast for my kids; in the end, it didnt cost me any time, but by thinking of things in terms of them, they wound up with a better breakfast most mornings that they could eat with their dad. 7. Malcolm Gladwell on self-contradiction If you dont contradict yourself on a regular basis, then youre not thinking. Malcolm Gladwell Its worth noting here that Gladwell is talking about contradicting yourself in terms of ideas, not in terms of behavior or lying about what youre up to. His point is that if youre actually thinking about an idea and turning it over and over in your head, your understanding of that idea deepens and your opinions on that idea likely change a little, and that results in your current views and comments potentially seeming hypocritical compared to earlier views and comments. I think its good for society to move past looking at a persons evolving views as being a bad thing. We should want people to turn over ideas in their head, understand them better, and thus evolve their views on those ideas. Sticking to the same ideas in the face of a lot of contradictory evidence isnt a good thing. Its not hypocritical to change your views when you learn new information. A person who does this isnt a hypocrite. Rather, theyre just being thoughtful. 8. Heath Ledger on happiness Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married, or own a house, as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks you if you are happy. Heath Ledger This is a good point, but its also a difficult one. Having a conversation with someone about whether they are happy feels really awkward. Asking someone if theyre happy often opens the door to a conversation that most people dont want to have even with people theyre very close to. Ive been turning this over in my head for a long time and lately Ive moved to using a pretty standard conversation starter that I think hits on this in a meaningful way. I simply ask people Whats good in your life right now? If they dont seem sure of what I mean, I explain it simply: What have you done lately that youve really enjoyed? Have you read a good book? Watched a good movie? Spent time with someone cool? Finished off a big project? I find that almost everyone has something they can talk about here, and its usually something that gets them excited and positive and animated. Not only that, I learn about all kinds of interesting things, and I usually learn something pretty interesting about that person, too. This is the single best free introductory course to computer programming that I have ever found. If I were to point someone toward a resource from which they could learn the basics of computer programming without shelling out significant cash, this would be it. The catch is that its an online course that runs somewhat irregularly. Its often hard to catch it right when it starts sometimes itll be in the middle of a session and other times its not running at all. Im mentioning it here because a new session of this class starts at the beginning of June. Its completely free and its really, really good. This is highly recommended if youve ever wanted to dig into computer programming a little to understand what exactly it is. This is good teaching at its finest. 10. Jim Rohn on discipline and regret We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. Jim Rohn I have dropped this quote before in inspiration columns, but it has been incredibly powerful for me over the years. In general, you have two choices most of the time. You can be disciplined right now, or you can have regrets later on. You can eat that unhealthy meal right now (no discipline) and suffer some negative health effects down the road (regret), or you can eat a healthy meal now (discipline) and be fitter and healthier in life (no regret). You can spend your money on something frivolous (no discipline) and then have to deal with financial difficulties later on (regret), or you can skip by most unnecessary expenses (discipline) and achieve your big financial goals (no regret). Its true for many of lifes challenges exercise, building relationships, and so on. We always have a choice discipline or regret. The catch, of course, is that discipline isnt very painful at all often just a little uncomfortable at the moment while regret can be incredibly painful and long lasting. 11. My in-laws My wifes parents both recently retired. They spent the last decade or so really stabilizing their finances so that they could afford to retire and still enjoy travel and doing things with their grandchildren and having hobbies. They visited us for the first time since theyve both retired and I swear I could tell a difference with them. They both just seemed a little more relaxed, but at the same time, a little more interested in doing things. Often in the past, they would visit us and both seem a bit tired from their busy lives and would treat their visit as a mini-vacation of sorts where they could relax. When they came up this time, they wanted to help us with a couple minor home improvement projects and they threw themselves into painting a room with gusto. They seemed upbeat and happy and possibly more energetic than Ive seen them in a while. They talked about things they wanted to do in the very near future and seemed excited about all of it. In other words, theyre doing exactly what I want to do when I retire. 12. Stephen Fry on depression If you know someone whos depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isnt a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Stephen Fry Ive had periods of deep melancholy in my life that probably swung into mild depression, though I was never treated for it. I went through most of a year once where I had minimal motivation to do much of anything at all other than the absolute bare minimum. It took me a long time to climb out of that hole. Lately, Ive been watching a good friend of mine fall into that kind of depression spiral. Hes gradually become more and more withdrawn from me and from other mutual friends. He doesnt respond to text messages or other methods of communication much at all. Even when I do manage to get him out of the house, hes largely uncommunicative. I know from others that he rarely leaves his home. I am really at a loss as to what I can do to help. In the end, I think the best thing I can do is to just keep inviting him to do things, keep sending him positive things about the things weve had a shared interest in, keep checking in and poking without actually talking about the elephant in the room that is depression. If he does decide to talk about it, Ill just listen and empathize, but I wont push him to talk about it. I want him to remember that people care about him without blatantly saying people care about you. I miss him. I wish I had a magic way to help, but I dont. Rather, I think the best thing I can do is to just not let that thread of connection between us wither and die, not push him to talk about the depression, but rather to talk about the positive things we share and if he decides to open up about it, Ill just listen and be supportive and not try to jam my own experiences into it. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/inspiration-from-sathya-sai-baba-stephen-fry-son-volt-and-more/