#i am objectively in the wrong and nuance doesnt exist

[zukoandtheoc]

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[fagderolo]

i am mean but have a lot of love in my heart i just have issues but its fine but it isnt im in therapy but im not addressing my anger but i dont Feel angry in therapy so its like it doesnt exist. feelings dont exist until they do. i have no middle ground except all the nuance in my head. theres grey areas almost everywhere. opening my mouth it flies out the window and i have to take a hard stance or ill die. my morals are the only thing that matter to me. but also morality is not consistent or objective and everyone is constantly wrong and evolving and changing. except me god made me perfect. thats a lie god also made me a liar. i dont like change. i need change. i hate the idea of change. i hate starting changes. i need to change. i need to get better. im actively getting worse. im actually getting better but being aware of it feels worse. im embracing parts of me i think should be undesirable. im embracing too much and have become despicable. i have changed. i hate change. thinking about the future makes me sick. thinking about the present makes me sick. thinking about the past makes me sad. thinking about myself makes me horrifically depressed. i need to afford myself the same kindness i would afford any other human. i am not a human. god cant kill me. i am actively dying as i type this. i should have been dead years ago. i need to live for my friends. i need to die for my friends. i need to make sure i never see anyone die again. i cant die before everyone i love. i cant die after everyone i love. i cant be alone. i cant make conversation. i need to make conversation. i am constantly replaying every life ive had on repeat in my head. i dont know how to effectively daydream. every life is worthwhile. i am going to mess this one up. i am only 23. i am already almost 24. i am hungry i am tired. i can survive off sheer willpower alone. i want to hurt. i never want to hurt again. i cant feel happy. i cant feel sad. i cant feel. i feel too much.