#i am not hear to steal your fish. i am here for bugs. please chill

[hawkpartys]

forget bears or mountain lions the biggest danger as a naturalist is the fisherman whose "secret spot" you stumbled into while looking for bugs

[mayans-sauce]

Playing Animal Crossing with Angel 🖤

Summary: You are obsessed with Animal Crossing and Angel is annoyed that you aren’t giving him attention.

Authors Note: Just a cute little idea I had since I love Animal Crossing and I love my baby Angel💖 Sorry if this is kind of trash. I’m writing this at 3 am with a slight headache but I hope you enjoy it! Also I’m sorry if Animal Crossing is not your thing😅 (Images not mine)

Masterlist

You had been obsessed with Animal Crossing and have been playing every single day since it came out 3 days ago. Angel would catch you up early in the morning playing on your cute pink Nintendo Switch that you carried with you everywhere. Back against the headboard and your face as close as possible to the screen. “Babe are you seriously up at 6 in the morning playing that game?” “But babe look” showing him your screen and the cute little diner you were almost done working on. “Isn’t this the cutest shit you have ever seen! I’m making a cute little diner”. Laughing at your excited face he kisses you quickly on your cheek before he went back to sleep again.

It had been a week since the game came out and you were even more obsessed, playing as much as you could, anywhere you could. In the beginning Angel found it cute that you were playing the game, loving how excited you got when you finally caught a new fish or when you finally found one of your dream villagers. But he was kind of getting annoyed now that you weren’t spending that much time with him. That you would rather spend your time and energy talking to the devil himself Tom Nook.

You were currently at the clubhouse waiting for the boys to be done in Templo. So of course your nose was buried in the screen, working on your next big project on your island. You didn’t even notice that they were done until Gilly hovered over your shoulder looking at what you were doing. “That the new game that you so obsessed with?” “Yes OMG it is literally the best thing ever” you said, showing him around your island. “It’s like she has forgotten she has a boyfriend in real life and would rather get bossed around by that devil Tom Nook” Angel said walking towards where you were sitting. “Aww babe” you said while giving him a light peck on his lips. “I can’t help it, he’s just a silly, cute little dude and I love him so much” you teased while giving him a sweet kiss again. “Angel can we please play together sometime” giving him the puppy eyes. “Nah mami, I don’t think this really is the game for me”. you pouted and he gave you a passionate kiss on the lips, hoping that would satisfy you. Gilly just rolled his eyes at you two.

One day Angel actually decided to watch you play so that he could see for himself what all the fuss was about. He went in thinking that this was going to be the stupidest thing ever and that he would have wasted an hour of his life watching you play some silly game. But to his surprise he actually enjoyed watching you play. It would become a regular thing for him to have you in his lap while you played, with him helping you plan out your next project on your island, fishing and catching bugs. “Oh a dragonfly! Get it baby!”. “Oh I see a fin in the water! Maybe it’s a shark, lets go and get it”. “Ok but what if you move that there instead?”. “Angel I love you so much baby but this is my island! I think it’s time you get your own” you giggled as you kissed his cheek. Maybe that’s not a bad idea he thought.

The next day when you came home you found Angel laying on the couch with a switch in his hands. At first you thought it was yours and you were about to yell at him but when you got closer you saw that it was blue instead of pink. “And what is this huh” you said with your hands on your hips. Angel jolted up, not hearing you come in. “It’s not what it looks like” he said dead in his tracks. “You bought yourself a switch didn’t you? You love this game just admit it”. He let out a breath. “Yes.. I bought a switch.. and I totaly understand your obsessing now! This game is just so chill”. You bounced up and down in excitement. “Yes we can finally play together” you squealed out, running upstairs to get your switch. 

You guys would play almost everywhere together when you got the chance. When he had some freetime while he was at the clubhouse, you and him would be in your own corner in your own little animal crossing world, catching bugs, fishing fish and just run around the island. The other guys would just shake their heads with a smile on their faces at how childish you both were. 

At home your would be snuggled up together on the bed with some drinks and snacks at your sides while you were having a cute little picnic date on Angels island. You would both steal a few kisses here and there, just having fun and enjoy each others company. “I love you baby” he would say, nothing but pure love in his eyes. “I love you to Angel, so much” you said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek and then you would both be noses deep in the screen again. 

[monotonous-minutia]

was trying to compose some Reality Checks and I wrote this instead. Don’t ask me what it is because I have no idea. But I thought it was funny so I wanted to share. 

Enjoy. Or don’t. We’ll see I guess.

Figaro: Five, ten, twenty, thirty, thirty-six, forty-three…you know this would be a lot easier to measure if it was all in multiples of five.

Susanna: Isn’t my hat so pretty? I made it myself.

Figaro: Yes, yes, dear, it’s wonderful.

Susanna: You didn’t even look at it.

Figaro: You’re doing such a great job describing it I don’t have to.

Susanna: What are you measuring, anyway?

Figaro: I’m figuring out where our bed’s going to go in this room.

Susanna: What, this room?

Figaro: …yes?

Susanna: Why this room?

Figaro: It’s so close to the master bedroom. All they have to do is ring the bell—ding, ding; don, don—and we’ll be there in a hop, skip and a jump to serve our respective masters.

Susanna: Yes, and because we’re so close, it’d be easy for Signore Count to sneak in while you’re away—ding ding; don, don.

Figaro: …

Susanna: You do know what I mean by “don, don,” right?

Figaro: I thought we were talking bells.

Susanna: It’s subtext.

Figaro: Oh shit! What are you saying?

Susanna: Well, the Count hasn’t exactly been subtle in his advances lately. Apparently he’s grown tired of the Countess, even though she really isn’t as old as people make her out to be most of the time. So he’s seeking out new conquests, and one of them is me. You do know what I mean by “conquests,” right?

Figaro: Yes, yes, subtext.

Susanna: So he’s going to call on this thing called his “feudal right” which is this really weird tradition that means he gets to sleep with any newlywed he pleases.

Figaro: I thought he got rid of that.

Susanna: Apparently I’m special.

Figaro: Well, we’ve got to do something about this.

Susanna: I’m sure we’ll figure something out; we’ve got the brain cells in this place. Take care, my love, I hear my Lady calling.

Figaro: Farewell, my sweet. We’ll get through this together.

(Susanna leaves)

Figaro: Now, Signore Count, this is a fine kettle of fish. I thought we were friends! After everything we’ve been through together? I can’t believe this. Well, if you’re going to pull this kind of dance, I’m happy to oblige. In fact, I’ll lead the dance myself. You won’t know what hit you. (exit)

(Marcellina and Bartolo enter)

Marcellina: I’ll marry Figaro if it’s the last thing I do!

Bartolo: I still think that’s a little weird, given you’re old enough to be his mom.

Marcellina: Don’t you know it’s improper to talk to a lady about her age? Besides, what do you care? I’m paying you good money to crush this guy. I hired the best lawyer in Seville. Though all this time I though the Dr. in your name was the medical type.

Bartolo: After Rosina left me, I had a lot of extra time on my hands so I went back to school and added a few letters to my name. Now, let’s work on getting back at Figaro. I’ll never forgive him for stealing my girl. Although I really don’t have a desire to pursue Rosina romantically anymore. It’s just the principle of the thing. I’m going to squash him like a bug with all the legal jargon I can come up with.

Marcellina: You know, when you talk shop, it kinda turns me on.

Bartolo: …okay. See you later. (exit.)

(Susanna comes in)

Marcellina: Oh, look, it’s Susanna.

Susanna: Oh, look, it’s that old harpy.

Marcellina: Well, I never! If you weren’t the Count’s favorite and a little simp, I might say something derogatory or suggestive about you.

Susanna: You just did.

Marcellina: My bad.

Susanna: Cougar!

Marcellina: Suck-up!

Susanna: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

(Marcellina leaves in a huff)

Susanna: Good riddance! I swear she can be so catty sometimes. I feel sorry for anyone who had to call her “mother.”

(Cherubino comes in)

Cherubino: Hey, Susanna!

Susanna: Hey, Cherubino, what mischief did you get yourself into today?

Cherubino: Who says I got myself into any mischief?

Susanna: Oh, you didn’t? What a pleasant surprise.

Cherubino: Okay, so I got into some mischief. I was hanging out with Barbarina—

Susanna: “Hanging out”?

Cherubino: I don’t like what you’re insinuating. Anyway, we were just chilling and suddenly the Count comes in. You know, people should really be more concerned about what a guy several years older than her was doing looking for her than what I was doing in there, given she and I are basically the same age. Anyway, so I hid because, you know, he hates me, but he found me, and because apparently hanging out with my friend is a crime, he fired me, and now I have to leave.

Susanna: Oh, poor kid.

Cherubino: Unless the Countess vouches for me, I’m sunk.

Susanna: What makes you think she will?

Cherubino: She’s so nice and fair! And also really pretty. You are so lucky you get to work with her every day. I only get to see her at dinner. What’s that you’ve got there?

Susanna: It’s a ribbon from your lovely lady.

Cherubino: Can I have it?

Susanna: …why?

Cherubino: Because. (he grabs the ribbon)

Susanna: What do you think you’re doing?

Cherubino: Come on, I’ll trade you for this song I wrote.

Susanna: What am I going to do with it?

Cherubino: Sing it to all the ladies in the palace!

Susanna: Since it looks like this song is about loving women, I don’t know what you’re suggesting about me.

Cherubino: Who am I to say what you are? I don’t even know who I am anymore! I have all these hormones running through my veins but I have no idea what they’re called because sex ed doesn’t exist in my time so I’m just very confused and probably making some ill-advised choices but who cares! I’m in love with everybody!

Susanna: Okay, settle down, Romeo.

Cherubino: Oh H-E-double hockey sticks! The Count is here!

Susanna: He really just makes a habit of walking in on people whenever he wants, huh? Here, Cherubino, hide behind this chair.

(Cherubino hides behind the chair.)

(The Count walks in.)

Count: Hello there, Susanna, how are you today?

Susanna: Oh, you know. Well, it was great catching up with you. See you later.

Count: Come on, is that all I get? Don’t you know how I feel about you?

Susanna: …you make it pretty obvious.

Count: Well then, why not meet me alone in the garden tonight? I’ll give you this ring.

Susanna: That’s just really gross and demeaning, sir.

Count: What can I say? I’m a guy. Wait, who’s that talking right outside the door?

Susanna: Oh, biscuits and gravy, it’s Basilio.

Count: I should hide!

Susanna: Or you could just leave!

Count: Only guilty people run. I’ll hide behind this chair.

Susanna: WAIT NOT THE CHAIR

(Luckily Cherubino goes around the chair and climbs onto it before the Count sees him. The Count hides behind the chair. Susanna throws a blanket over Cherubino to hide him.)

Susanna: I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

(Basilio comes in)

Basilio: Hello there, Susanna, what are you up to?

Susanna: I don’t know if you all just forgot, but I do actually work here.

Basilio: Sure, sure. Well, do you want to hear all the hot goss?

Susanna: Not really.

Basilio: I’ll tell you anyway. Apparently Figaro has some new beef with the Count, which isn’t surprising given they’re both such hotheads. Also, I’ve heard wind that Cherubino has a crush on the Countess. Isn’t that hilarious?

Susanna: Basilio! How can you say these things?

Basilio: Hey, don’t kill the messenger. I’m just saying what everyone else is saying.

(The Count jumps out from hiding.)

Count: And what exactly are people saying?

Basilio: Well, they’ll sure have plenty to say after this!

Susanna: Oh, gods, just strike me down here where I’m standing.

Count: So, Cherubino’s been hitting on my wife, eh? That’s it, he’s spent his last days in this palace. He’s got to go!

Susanna: Come on, he’s just a kid!

Count: No, I’ve had enough. Why, just this morning I caught him fooling around with Barbarina. Don’t ask me what I was doing creeping around Barbarina’s place. Cherubino was hiding under the table and I pulled the tablecloth up like this. (He demonstrates by pulling the blanket off the chair, revealing Cherubino.) WAIT WHAT IS THIS

Basilio: This just keeps getting better!

Susanna: This just keeps getting worse!

Count: Was he here this entire time?

Susanna: …yes.

Count: But I was sitting in that chair!

Cherubino: I hid behind it first.

Count: Shut up, the grownups are talking. What about when I hid behind the chair?

Cherubino: I ran around to sit on it.

Count: So, wait, he heard everything we said?

Cherubino: I tried not to--

Count: How dare you eavesdrop! Well, if you like sitting in chairs so much, you can stay sitting until I throw you out. Pack your bags, you miscreant.

Cherubino: How am I supposed to pack my bags if I’m sitting here?

Count: Don’t be cheeky! Now, Susanna, how do you think Figaro will react when he finds out you’ve been hanging out alone with Cherubino?

Susanna: His reaction probably won’t be as bad as when he finds out you tried to pay me for sex.

Count: I--

(At this moment Figaro enters with a bunch of other servants.)

Figaro: Hello everyone! I’ve come with basically the entire palace for an impromptu wedding. That way we have a bunch of witnesses so the Count can’t pull anything funny. Who needs all the pomp and circumstance of a full ceremony anyway? Here’s Susanna’s veil; now, Signore Count, if you’ll just say the word so my fiancée and I here can be wed.

Count: Oh, come on, you think I’ll let you get married like this? No sir! We’re going to make a big bash out of it.

Figaro: But—

Count: No buts about it. (If I stall long enough, I can get Marcellina to help me ruin this thing altogether. If Susanna won’t have me, she sure as heck won’t have Figaro either.) Now, friends, be on your way! We have festivities to prepare for.

(All the other servants leave singing.)

Figaro: Well, that didn’t exactly go the way I planned.

Susanna: It’s okay, we’ll work it out. We always think of something.

Figaro: But why does Cherubino look so glum?

Susanna: He got fired.

Figaro: Again?

Count: Well, I mean it this time.

Cherubino: What if I promise never to do anything bad ever again?

Count: Nope, I don’t trust you.

Cherubino: What if I promise never to tell anyone what I heard when I was hiding behind the chair?

Count: SHUT UP! Okay fine, I’ll let you off on a warning. Even better, I’ll bestow upon you the highest honor. There’s an opening for an officer in my regiment. You can enlist.

Cherubino: WHAT?

Susanna: Can you at least wait until after the wedding?

Count: Nope, they’re leaving for Seville today so he has to go.

Cherubino: …as you wish, sir.

Count: That’s more like it.

Figaro: Hey, chin up, Cherubino! It won’t be so bad. I mean, sure, you’ll probably be the prettiest one there and everyone will pick on you and you’ll have to deal with deafening cannons and marching through mud and having no money and leaving all your friends (and girlfriends) behind and not having any fun anymore ever, but it’s a glorious life being a soldier!

Cherubino: I think I’m going to cry.

[theburglcr]

“Finders keepers, suckers!” note: i haven’t added a quote for every single thing in the game, but it’s still a long read. i mostly just came up with the relatively ‘important’ quotes. that said, please enjoy.

Shovel- “Truly my best friend.” Pickaxe- “I love the rocky irony here.” Razor- “This is why people don’t have beards.” Hammer- “Any work well done just begs for a load of this.” Lucy the Axe- “Between you and me, he thinks ya look sharp.” Feather Pencil- “My grammar is better than most.” Brush- “Never been the hairdressin’ sort, myself.” Saddle- “But is it comfortable for the animal?” Salt Lick- “Don’t taste-test, don’t taste-test...” Miner Hat- “Never thought I’d find one again!” Endothermic Fire- “All sense is gone along with the darkness.” Mushlight- “Will my stomach glow if I eat this?” Willow’s Lighter- “I should never be trusted with this.” Bottle Lantern- “My brightest idea so far.” Buoyant Chiminea- “Water can’t steal the fire from me now.” Backpack- “Imagine all the money you can fit in there.” Piggyback- “Here’s hopin’ it’s not as sweaty.” Bug Net- “What a fearsome, vicious hunter I am.” Fishing Rod- “I hope to catch hidden treasure with this.” Straw Roll- “Sleepin’ with straw gettin’ in your clothes. Great.” Fur Roll- “This feels morbid somehow.” Umbrella- “Not today, elements.” Compass (generic)- “Wish it could point me towards treasure.” Luxury Fan- “I bet I could fly with two of these.” Siesta Lean-to- “I’m a shade master.” Pretty Parasol- “Frilly, but will do.” Telltale Heart- “Why do I hafta fix them if they mess up?” Booster Shot- “Rot injected through a bee stinger. Healthy!” Water Balloon- “Takin’ a bath the fun way.” Whirly Fan- “The things I do for a lil’ coolin’...” Bernie- “Ya don’t look like you’d be worth much.” Bundled Supplies- “Oh hoh! The thrill this brings me!” Booty Bag- “Where have ya been all my life!?” Silly Monkey Ball- “The humane solution to their meddlin’.” Anti-Venom- “Tropical insurance.” Crock Pot- “I ain’t no cook, but it should help me.” Bee Box- “They work hard, then I steal from them.” Bucket-o-Poop- “Ew. Good thing I wear gloves.” Science Machine and Alchemy Engine- “This is where the magic happens.” Thermal Measurer- “Let’s see the cold sneak up on me now.” Lightning Rod- “Never hurts to lessen the chances.” Gunpowder- “No safe is too strong!” Cartographer’s Desk- “Closest thing to an artistic outlet.” Accomploshrine- “I don’t know what I did, but I did it?” Spear- “I miss my daggers.” Boomerang- “A loyal weapon if I’ve ever seen one.” -- (hit self)- “$!@#! That smarts!” Blow Dart- “I ain’t no coward, but when in Rome...” Fire Dart- “Fear the albino dragon!” Sleep Dart- “Should I worry if I yawn after usin’ this?” Football Helmet- “I’m wearin’ the pig’s butt as a hat.” Grass Suit- “... Sure this will protect me.” Log suit- “I’m not on board with being hurt. Heh.” Marble Suit- “This armor’s the direct opposite of what I am.” Bee Mine- “Boom, bees.” Tooth Trap- “Come get a piece of me now, doggies!” Shelmet- “Function over fashion...” Snurtle Shell Armor- “A less dignified way to hide from trouble.” Scale Mail- “I’m this hot on my own, thanks.” Electric Dart- “Can’t come up with a joke. I’m shocked.” Tail o’ Three Cats- “I’m not even using it and I feel sorry already.” Spear Gun- “Now this is more my style!” Trident- “This means mermaids exist around here, right?” Cactus Spike- “Like my daggers, but much weaker. Shame.” Cactus Armor- “Always been told I’m kind of a prick.” Birdcage- ���Reminds me of jail.” -- (occupied)- “I know the feelin’.” Pig House- “Wait, does this mean they have stuff inside?” Chest- “To store my stolen goods.” Scaled Chest- “Summer ain’t gettin’ to me or my stuff.” Mini Sign (drawn on)- “What? I’m an artist too, ya know.” Friendly Scarecrow- “His smile looks like my mom’s.” Wardrobe- “If it’s purely green on the inside, that wasn’t me.” Potted Succulent- “Her name is Erikita.” Sand Castle- “Totally sure this is not a waste of time.” Seaworthy (Vanilla or ROG world)- “Buenas!” Sea Chest- “Bring your stuff everywhere ya go.” Rope- “I use this often.” Purple Gem- “The downfall of the greedy.” Nightmare Fuel- “This stuff makes me uneasy.” Marble Bean- “Is there a money bean, too?” Empty Bottle- “Not very interesting on its own.” Prestihatitator- “Prestowhat now?” Shadow Manipulator- “Not sure I should be anywhere near this thing.” Pan Flute- “Makes pickpocketin’ so much easier.” Night Light- “See to $!@# believe.” Dark Sword- “Knew I had a sharp mind, but this...” Chilled Amulet- “So this is what cool people use, huh?” Nightmare Amulet- “Makes me see what I shouldn’t see.” Life Giving Amulet- “Could make a pretty penny off of it!” Telelocator Staff- “Probably dumb to mess with this. I’m doin’ it anyway.” Old Bell- “Do the work for me, big fella.” Moon Dial- “I’ve been mooned. Heh.” Piratihatitator- “Para... Piri... MAGIC $!@#!” Straw Hat- “This’ll prevent fires from startin’ on my head.” Beefalo Hat- “Convenient humiliation.” Beekeeper Hat- “I look honest in my stealin’ with this.” Feather Hat- “Probably the most colorful I’ll ever look.” Top Hat- “Rich people headwear. I hate it.” Puffy Vest- “I’m warm, but at what cost...?” Bush Hat- “Disguise 101.” Garland- “How to look pure and unsuspectin’.” Cat Cap- “I’m sorry, kitties...” Fashion Melon- “All the green doesn’t make it less embarrassin’.” Floral Shirt- “This one was made for me.” Eyebrella- “Rain is in the eye of the beholder.” Desert Goggles- “Got somethin’ in my eye... just kiddin’.” Blubber Suit- “Eugh! It’s noisy!” Windbreaker- “I’ll stop giggling when I forget its name.” Particulate Purifier- “For when chili night gets outta hand.” Shark Tooth Crown- “Bet I can impress the mermaids with this.” Dumbrella- “More like... oh, wait.” Log Raft- “I mean... nah, can’t defend this.” Raft- “It’s a slight improvement.” Armoured Boat- “Safe piratin’.” Iron Wind- “Doubles as shark chopper, too!” Boat Cannon- “Can’t be a proper pirate without this.” Sea Trap- “One step closer to a fancy dinner.” Trawl Net- “To steal junk from the sea.” Super Spyglass- “Could only dream to see this far until now.” Captain Hat- “Makes me feel like a sea cop. Feh.” Pirate Hat- “Ahoy, ye scallywags!” Obsidian Machete and Obsidian Axe- “Hot and sharp, much like me.” Obsidian Coconade- “I can feel it burn with anticipation.” Sail Stick- “To sail away from my problems faster.” Thulecite- “My highly valuable object senses are tinglin’.” Thulecite Medallion- “Ain’t useful here.” -- (calm)- “Nothin’ worth notin’.” -- (warning)- “Woah, something’s happenin’.” -- (nightmare)- “But what does it mean?” The Lazy Forager- “Nobody can blame me for snatchin’ their stuff now!” Magiluminescence- “I’m brilliant. Heh.” Construction Amulet- “Of course the green gem is the most economic one.” The Lazy Explorer- “Catch me if ya can!” Star Caller’s Staff- “Do the stars grant wishes too or...?” Deconstruction Staff- “ ‘Tis like a magic hammer.” Thulecite Crown- “Should be worth a fortune!” Houndius Shootius- “Those ancient guys were geniuses.” Birds of the World- “I like the tauraco leucotis one.” Applied Horticulture- “Good, I’m no farmer.” Sleepytime Stories- “I can’t tell if it bores me or it’s workin’.” The End is Nigh!- “Good thing I enjoy readin’ during storms.” On Tentacles- “I’ve read enough on them to know where this is goin’.” Joy of Volcanology- “Adds more than a lil’ spice to your current situation.” Kittykit- “Cute and clever, just like its momma.” Vargling- “Cachorrito!!!” Ewelet- “Smelly but soft.” Broodling- “Gosh, so ugly yet so endearin’.” Glomglom- “I ain’t one for hugs, but you’re just so fluffy.” Giblet- “Always wanted to have a chicken.” Candy Bag- “I wanna fill it to the brim with chocolate coins.” Gift- “The best things are the ones ya don’t hafta pay for.” Winter’s Feast Tree- “I feel something growin’ three sizes inside of me! Is it my wallet?” Lucky Whistle- “I HAVE THE POWER!” Charcoal- “Oh. Christmas came early.” Pine Cone- “I stole that tree’s baby. Nice.” Marble Tree- “Okay, now gold trees must be a thing.” Totally Normal Tree- “Tremblin’ like a leaf here. Heh.” Living Log- “Same.” Flower- “Green with a dash of pretty.” Evil Flower- “Green with a dash of evil...?” Cactus- “That one’s still got its daggers.” Tumbleweed- “Let’s see the trash it’s collected!” Jungle Tree- “Sensin’ lots of loot from that tree!” Snake Den- “I can hear ya hissin’, ya know.” Brainy Sprout- “The sea’s got a comparatively tiny brain.” Palm Tree (sapling)- “I’m callin’ ya Rosie.” Regular Jungle Tree- “You’re goin’ down like a sack of bricks.” Beehive- “It contains sweet, delicious treasure.” Killer Bee Hive- “Heck no.” Hound Mound- “Those barkin’ pests come from there.” Bones- “Mine will not be found like this.” Harp Statue- “Unlikely as it sounds, I don’t have the head.” Rundown House- “If you’re gonna steal an idea, make it better at least.” Merm Head- “My nose begs for mercy.” Pig Head- “This world does make ya lose your head...” Boulder- “Destruction comes with a reward.” Gold Nugget- “I might’ve been a hero in a world without this.” Grave- “Time to work!” Grave (dug)- “A job well done.” Wooden Thing- “It feels... incomplete.” -- (fully assembled)- “Long as I can take my gold with me.” Ring Thing- “What use is a ring with no jewels?” Worm Hole- “Disgust and logic say no...” -- (open)- “... Morbid curiosity says yes.” -- (exited)- “Disgust and logic were right.” Skeleton- “Thanks for the free stuff, man.” Spider Eggs- “Wonder if I can teach them to pickpocket?” Walrus Camp- “Gives a rich Walrus vibe somehow.” Mini Glacier- “Wonder how many ‘cool’ jokes it gets.” Hollow Stump- “It’s fulla hairballs on the inside.” Glommer’s Statue- “Looks important and exploitable.” -- (mined)- “Hope it was neither.” Skeleton (self)- “I meant to do that.” Florid Postern- “Got the feelin’ its beauty is just for show.” Magma- “Great, more things to be burned by.” Stagehand- “Far too pretty and harmless. I don’t trust it.” -- (walking)- “I’m always right.” Loot Stash- “Nobody leaves something like this all on its own.” Prime Ape Hut- “My old room pales in comparison to that disaster.” Magma Pile- “Now if that doesn’t beg to be dug up...” Steamer Trunk- “The sea smiles upon me today!” Volcano- “Dangerous. Something valuable must be inside.” Slot Machine- “I know better than to linger ‘round this.” Electric Isosceles- “For the insanely lazy explorer.” Octo Chest- “We’ve made a fair trade, friend.” Debris- “Ain’t proud of that one.” Wildbore Head- “Looks mad he’s dead.” Seashell- “One of these’s gotta have a pearl inside.” X Marks the Spot- “My fingers itch in anticipation!” Rawling- “I’m deranged enough, I guess.” Watery Grave- “That’s one heckuva way to die. Hah-hah!” Wreck- “I can wreck it all the more.” Volcano Staff- “If only it made it rain money instead.” Plugged Sinkhole- “A poor attempt at hidin’ a hole.” Rope to Surface- “Shame some sunlight is neccessary.” Splumonkey Pod- “Imagine all the valuable junk they’re unaware they have.” Odd Skeleton (complete)- “Well, curiosity sated. Or is it...” Ancient Statue- “Now that’s one statue worth a million.” Ancient Pseudoscience Station- “A museum would pay a lot for this, probably.” Ornate Chest- “How temptin’! It must be a trap.” Large Ornate Chest- “Outside matches the inside.” Nightmare Light- “Shouldn’t be ‘round this, however convenient it is.” Ancient Chest- “My greed is far too great to leave it alone.” Ancient Murals: -- (first)- “Those guys sure look miserable.” -- (second)- “Can’t read this...” -- (third)- “What’s that covering them? Ink?” -- (fourth)- “Eww! What the heck!” -- (fifth)- “What was that all about?!” Coffee Plant- “I did not expect these to grow here.” Elephant Cactus- “Dagger-filled cactus ready to fire!” Obsidian- “Almost sure this costs as much as it did to get.” Charcoal Boulder- “I’d save Santa some work if I mined this.” Burnt Ash Tree- “What did ya expect?” Dragoon Den- “Looks like the ideal thieves den if I’ve ever seen one.” Woodlegs’ Cage- “Nobody’s gonna be left behind bars while I’m around!” Clockwork Knight- “A knight of shinin’ metal.” Clockwork Bishop- “Never been the religious type.” Clockwork Rook- “Can hear it stomp from all the way over here.” Charlie (the darkness monster)- “Who’s there?” Charlie (attacked by)- “$!@#! Ya coward!” Hound- “Stand back! Don’t make me run!” Red Hound- “They’re fireproof now!?” Blue Hound- “They send a chill down my spine!” Hound’s Tooth- “I’m not tremblin’, you’re tremblin’.” Krampus- “You’re not even sneaky. Bad thief!” Krampus Sack- “Ah, a proper sack for a burglar.” Tentacle Spots- “Be right back, burnin’ my gloves.” Big Tentacle- “Surface doesn’t seem so bad all of a sudden.” Werepig- “I thought I could trust ya!!!” Ghost- “This time ya might just disappear.” Tam o’ Shanter- “No newsy cap, but still nice.” Mosquito- “If ya steal my blood, I’ll steal yours. Fair warning.” Mosquito Sack- “Didn’t think I could take my threat literally...” Cave Spider- “Now that’s just unfair.” Spitter- “Can’t blame it. They’re uglier up close.” Batilisk- “Yeesh, it looks so full of hate.” Meat Bulb- “Thinks it can trick me. How cute.” Fleshy Bulb- “My personal, living trap.” Eyeplant- “The plant spies with its little eyes.” Slurper- “It leeches off my lunch. Yuck.” Dangling Depth Dweller- “If they weren’t so aggressive, I’d adopt one.” Depths Worm (lure)- “Something’s very off ‘bout that.” Varg- “No! No! No no NO!” Ewecus- “Walkin’ ball of wool and gross.” Floaty Boaty Knight- “Great, the mechanical navy is here.” Poison Mosquito- “Ya can keep the poison, thanks.” Stink Ray- “Woah, man! What’s that funky smell?” Swordfish- “This fish got its own natural dagger.” White Whale- “All white, fearsome and hates everything. Like me!” Dragoon- “Sadly, they’re not intelligent enough for a truce.” Killer Bee- “Okay, I get it. I should buzz off.” Pig (normal)- “I could mug him if needed.” -- (follower)- “I’ll teach ya to steal for me.” Bunnyman- “A white ball of adorable. Like me!” Bunny Puff- “Hope they can forgive me.” Frog- “Rana o sapo?” Rock Lobster- “Well hello, potential bodyguard.” Pengull- “Lookit all that meat waddlin’ about.” Splumonkey- “Stealin’ from the thief. The nerve!” Catcoon- “I appreciate its eye mask.” Volt Goat- “I want one.” -- (charged)- “Maybe gettin’ one can wait.” Blue Whale- “Is it cryin’? Nope, just wet.” Bottlenose Ballphin- “I love you so much.” Prime Ape- “More like a prime pain in the $!@#.” Wildbore- “Doesn’t look like someone ya can steal from.” Gobbler- “Only I steal food ‘round here!” Chester- “A burglar’s second best friend.” Mandrake (planted)- “Should be picky with this one. Heh.” Glommer- “I want a statue for doin’ nothing, too.” Grass Gekko- “Your tail is grass and I’m gonna mow it.” Hutch- “There’s empty space where its brain should be.” Canary (poisoned)- “Keep your distance.” Shifting Sands- “Sure, hide like I do- I mean a coward!” Sharkitten- “One day you’ll grow up to be as fearsome as me.” Packim Baggims- “Stop hoardin’ my fish.” Parrot Pirate- “A bird after my own heart.” Seagull- “We just want to survive. Am I right?” Doydoy- “I feel sorry enough for this thing not to kill it.” Fishermerm- “Finally, someone I can steal from without consequences!” Tallbird- “Something can only be so territorial over one thing.” Tallbird Nest (with egg)- “Looks cozy in there. I can fix that.” Tallbird Egg- “Could sell this as a dinosaur egg...” Hatching Tallbird Egg- “Am I gonna be a mom? I don’t wanna.” Smallbird- “Expected ya to have more leg. Huh.” -- (hungry) “Don’t have to regurgitate something for ya, do I?” Smallish Tallbird- “I ain’t tellin’ it about the birds and the bees.” Treeguard- “I stole too many tree lives.” Spider Queen- “Gonna need a bigger sandal.” Spiderhat- “Thinks whatever a spider can.” Deerclops- “Well, $!@# me.” Ancient Guardian- “Whatever it is you’re protectin’ will be mine.” Bearger- “A thief doesn’t share her food, bud.” Moose/Goose- “Sorry, I just haven’t laughed this hard in a while.” Moose/Goose Egg- “Can’t mess with something this big.” Mosling- “Curiosity is likely gonna kill the cat.” Dragonfly- “It was nice to meet me.” Bee Queen- “Gimme your sting, Imma give that thing right back.” Bee Queen Crown- “Fool bees, get honey.” Klaus- “Lookin’ different, Santa. New haircut?” Stag Antler- “Ya better be worth all that mess.” Toadstool- “This ain’t no prince!” Sporecap- “That thing just screams magic.” Reanimated Skeleton- “It should not be alive.” Ancient Fuelweaver- “Almost wish I didn’t have to bring ya down.” Bone Armor- “It protects a lot more than you’d think.” Bone Helm- “I’m scared of usin’ this...” Shadow Thurible- “Why does it smell like money?” Palm Treeguard- “Nothin’ a good bit of fire can’t fix.” Quacken- “The bigger they are, the more loot they give!” Chest of the Depths- “Seein’ this is very satisfying.” Sealnado- “Time to break some wind.” -- (seal form)- “Killin’ it would be easy. Far too easy.” Tiger Shark- “Tigre y tiburón... Tigreburón?” Maxwell- “He used my greed against me.” Pig King- “I can smell his richness from afar.” Wes (trapped)- “What do I get if I help ya?” Abigail- “Sucks to be you.” Bigfoot- “I need new pants.” Abigail (revival failed)- “I feel kinda sad it didn’t work. Just a little.” Antlion- “I know that face. The ‘I want your things’ face.” -- (upset)- “What did I do now?!” Yaarctopus- “Snazzy getup, man.” Egg- “Like a fragile chest with tasty treasure.” Monster Meat- “This is far from a good idea.” Morsel- “Meatling.” Leafy Meat- “I can make it tasty. Just leaf it to me.” Fish- “Dad used to eat these a lot.” Eel- “Think I’m feelin’ eel.” Winter Koalefant Trunk- “Looks warm and big enough for me to wear it...” Cooked Frog Legs- “How is this fancy food?” Dead Swordfish- “Could make a good weapon if it didn’t smell so bad.” Dead Jellyfish- “I’ve always liked jelly.” Cooked Limpets- “Should stick my pinky out while eatin’ these.” Shark Fin- “The pest’s hat.” Delicious Wobster- “Now this can be called a delicacy.” Bile-Covered Slop- “May as well eat manure.�� Extra Smelly Durian- “Smell’s stronger than a corpse’s.” Halved Coconut- “For the true tropical experience.” Red Cap- “Never trust red fungi.” Green Cap- “Still hardly sane to consume.” Blue Cap- “Mixed feelings...” Cactus Flower- “I see flowers awfully often ‘round here.” Bacon and Eggs- “English breakfast is weird.” Butter Muffin- “Don’t think killin’ the butterfly was neccessary.” Dragonpie- “Hopefully not as hot as it looks.” Fishsticks- “I bet a cat would love this.” Fish Tacos- “And now they will swim in my tummy.” First Full of Jam- “It doesn’t help I’m a messy eater...” Froggle Bunwich- “A delicious blasphemy.” Fruit Medley- “More delicate-lookin’ than I’m used to.” Honey Ham- “Surprisingly, it works really well.” Honey Nuggets- “Oh... gonna enjoy every part of it.” Kabobs- “I’m a culinary genius.” Mandrake Soup- “I consider this a good idea somehow.” Meatballs- “Missed these so much!” Meaty Stew- “I’d be stewpid to let it go to waste.” Monster Lasagna- “Only dogs would like this.” Pierogi- “How do I even know how to make all these neat recipes?” Powdercake- “Wouldn’t even feed this to a dog. My prey, however...” Pumpkin Cookie- “Interesting. And tasty.” Ratatouille- “Used to eat this a lot back before all this.” Stuffed Eggplant- “It’s as fillin’ at it looks.” Taffy- “Good thing I don’t care that much ‘bout health.” Turkey Dinner- “I ain’t festive, but this deserves celebration.” Unagi- “Deelicious! Heh.” Waffles- “Always wanted to try these. Mmmm.” Wet Goop- “Somethin’ went wrong.” Flower Salad- “Yes, I’m eatin’ the flower too.” Guacamole- “Not baa-aa-aad.” Ice Cream- “Ahhh, so refreshin’.” Melonsicle- “Perfect to chill with.” Spicy Chili- “ ‘Tis what I call dragon food.” Trail Mix- “What’s that I hear? Is it... jealous gobblin’?” Jellybeans- “These fattened me up as a kid.” Banana Pop- “I stabbed this banana.” Bisque- “Picky in ingredients, but worth it.” California Roll- “Fancier than I’m used to.” Ceviche- “It’s funny to see other people try to pronounce it.” Coffee- “Not a huge fan.” Jelly-O Pop- “Wonder if I can make one with peanut butter?” Lobster Bisque- “Everyone goes nuts for this one.” Lobster Dinner- “Now this is the kinda rich people food I can get behind.” Seafood Gumbo- “Dad would have a ball with this.” Shark Fin Soup- “Don’t think I can eat it with a good conscience.” Surf ‘n’ Turf- “Sure’s got a fun name.” Fresh Fruit Crepes- “Wow, looks pretty.” Monster Tartare- “Eugh! If I really gotta.” Mussel Bouillabase- “Buy... bi... uh, food.” Sweet Potato Souffle- “Sorta looks like a big muffin.” Seeds- “Normally I steal what they produce...” Honey- “Sticks to my gloves.” Butterfly Wings- “The loot of a dead bug.” Butter- “... Well then.” Rot- “Nothing is eternal, I guess.” Rotten Egg- “Takes one to know another.” Phlegm- “I’m gonna hurl.” Blueprint- “Bet this’d burn nicely! Just kiddin’.” Gears- “It’s not murder if it ain’t organic, right?” Ashes- “Nothing valuable ever winds up like this.” Red Gem- “A lively ruby.” Blue Gem- “Sapphire! So refreshin’.” Yellow Gem- “Not gold, but good enough.” Green Gem- “The best color, period.” Orange Gem- “Garnet? I’m not sure.” Manure- “Gotta be pretty bad for me to need this.” Melty Marbles- “Oh, canicas.” Fake Kazoo- “Maybe it can still hold some value.” Gord’s Knot- “Need to read that story sometime.” Gnome- “This could kill a zombie.” Tiny Rocketship- “It ain’t blastin’ off again.” Frazzled Wires- “Don’t remember cutting these off...” Ball and Cup- “Mastered this as a kid.” Hardened Rubber Bung- “Rubber harder than the sole of my boot.” Mismatched Buttons- “I’m cuter.” Second-hand Dentures- “Hope I can find a proper toothbrush instead.” Lying Robot- “Please. Brutal honesty is where it’s at.” Dessicated Tentacle- “Got the feelin’ this will make me very happy...” Webber’s Skull- “Fine, I’ll respect the dead just this time.” Pile o’ Balloons- “If only I had a reason to party.” Codex Umbra- “Smells like a bad idea.” Leaky Teacup- “Wonder if there’s a matchin’ teapot?” White and Black Bishop- “Kinda miss playin’ chess with dad.” Bent Spork- “Get bent.” Toy Trojan Horse- “This one’s actually really cute.” Unbalanced Top- “Lil’ nostalgic lookin’ at it, broken as it is.” Back Scratcher- “Ya scratch my back, I steal when you’re not lookin’.” Beaten Beater- “How much is this worth? Beats me.” Frayed Yarn- “Kitties would find it more endearin’ than I do.” Shoe Horn- “Boots are better for a reason.” Lucky Cat Jar- “If that pig’s got taste at all, he’ll know how important this jar is.” Air Unfreshener- “Should be poop-shaped instead. Ugh.” Potato Cup- “Now I, too, can drink potato-flavored water.” Wire Hanger- “My clothes may be tattered and dirty, but no longer wrinkled!” Iridescent Gem- “I like to look at it... is it lookin’ back at me?” Moon Caller’s Staff- “Now I can moon others too.” Shadow Atrium- “It should not be beatin’.” Beach Toy- “Some sandy guy could use this.” Crumpled Package- “Ya know what they say. One man’s garbage...” Venom Gland- “Fight fire with fire.” Dubloons- “Yes!! Proper money!” Message in a Bottle- “Not now, I’m busy lookin’ for treasure.” Snake Oil- “Tryin’ to fool me. For shame.” Orange Soda- “Sodarn excited to find this.” Voodoo Doll- “Do I or do I not have the heart to ‘play’ with it?” Ukulele- “Well, Aloha O’e.” License Plate- “M’sure I can use this for something...” Ancient Vase- “Ancient things are for museums. Museums pay for this.” Brain Cloud Pill- “Can’t remember what it does. Memory’s foggy.” Wine Bottle Candle- “Waste of good wine.” Broken AAC Device- “Doesn’t seem at all valuable like this.” One True Earring- “Sounds like something worth a fortune!” Old Boot- “Looks good to kick bums with.” Sextant- “Heh. Heheh.” Toy Boat- “I wanna paint a skull and crossbones on the sail.” Soaked Candle- “May have some use still.” Sea Worther- “Feel like a scallywag for not knowin’ what this is.” Iron, Bone and Golden Key- “It unlocks something important. I can feel it.” Tarnished Crown- “Doesn’t seem like sellin’ material.” Failed (Adventure Mode)- “That was a waste of resources.” Obelisk (sane, down)- “This thing gives me a bad feeling.” -- (insane, up)- “So it wasn’t decoration!” -- (sane, up)- “Lemme guess. I can’t blow it up.” -- (insane, down)- “Whoa, who chopped it down?” Divining Rod (before being picked up)- “Why is that radio on a stick?” -- “You’re gonna be a useful friend.” -- (cold)- “Who knows where it is...” -- (warm)- “Must be in this area.” -- (warmer)- “Gotta keep my eyes peeled!” -- (hot)- “It’s mine now!” Maxwell’s Door- “A creepy door in the middle of the woods. Hm.” Maxwell’s Phonograph- “Make that thing stop!” Maxwell Statue- “Vandalism just waitin’ to happen.” Maxwell’s Tooth Trap- “Nice try, old man.” -- (went off)- “Nicely done, old man...” Nightmare Throne- “My butt hurts just lookin’ at it.” Generic- “Heck if I know.” Freedom- “No prison is eternal!” Freezing- “$!@#, I’m cold!!” Battlecry- “De España con amor!” -- (prey)- “Right behind ya.” -- (pig)- “Time to smash the piggy bank!” Leaving combat- “Not my kinda approach anyway.” Dusk- “The sun hides as crime awakes.” Hounds are coming- “I hate that sound.” Deerclops is coming- “What the heck was that!” Eating (painful food)- “Oof. That wasn’t wise.” Hungry- “El hambre...” Lightning miss- “Gave me a $!@# scare!” Overheating- “I’m meltin’...!” Tree shelter- “Nature ain’t so bad, after all.” Giant arrival- “I know for a fact that’s no good.” Refusing to eat Eternal Fruitcake- “I’ll never be desperate enough.” Cave-in warning- “Keep movin’! Keep movin’!” Encumbered (carrying heavy object) - “Hrng... Huff...” - “I ain’t... made for this...!” - “This... is no work... for a thief...” - “Ugh... my everything...” Volcano eruption warning- “Be prepared.” Volcano eruption- “Run like heck and don’t stop!” Sea hounds are coming- “Not even in the sea...” Sealnado is coming- “Pretty windy today, huh.” Map border approaching- “A dead end. Or is it?” Entering map border- “Who knows by this point.” Exiting map border- “Whatever the case, we’re here now.” Riding wave- “Yeehaw!” Formal Set- “Nobody suspects a thief under this perfect look.” Survivor Set- “Sometimes, to find the diamond in the rough, ya gotta become rough yourself.” Shadow Set- “Now acceptin’ worship in the form of your valuables!” Halloween Costume Set- “Monkey business afoot.” Rose Set- “I am now even more of a prick.”