#i am never comfortable calling any of them psychological so ive just accepted that any identity that i discover is likely due to a past life

[entity56]

all of my otherkin identities are spiritual because i contain multitudes thank you next

[voltronramblings]

um this got like really really long lmao (feel free to just post like a cut off version so it doesn’t clog up ppls dash lol) kind of super embarrassed about how long it is but…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i got a lot to say, i hope that’s okay

Haha, you’re completely fine, sweetheart! I am gonna put it under the cut so that it doesn’t end up taking a lot of space on someone’s dash ❤️

Can i pls get a matchup? :3 I’m a bi girl, 5’6 with longish wavy red hair, blue eyes and lots of freckles cuz i always forget to reapply sunscreen lol pretty much always have a sunburn during the summer. I’m a INFP, and a libra. I’ve got a major case of ADHD, lots of energy and horrible at focusing, lots of fidgeting all the time (mostly the leg bounceTM and tapping things) (also got that anxiety/depression thing goin on).

I’m not super social, I hate big parties, I don’t have a Lot of friends, but the friends I do have I’m really close to and would trust with my life (I’m kind of really selective with who i befriend). If i don’t like a person, they will be able to Tell, I don’t go out of my way to be mean to them but,, it’s a bit obvious. I’m the fun friend, always getting people to laugh and smile and be happy, and I’m super loyal to my friends, ride-or-die kind of gal. I also tend to be the one that people lean on, or turn to if the need any advice or comfort. I’m also really close with my family, love them with all my heart and would do anything for them.

I love to play the piano and sing (pretty good at the first one, not so much the second lol) and i tend to do that when I’m feeling stressed out or sad and it helps a lot. I’m currently in college studying geography and cartography and I’m like a super nerd about it lol. I love to go hiking in the mountains where i live and go swimming in the rivers, and when I’m staying at my family home I go to the beach all the time, my fave summer tradition is having bonfire parties on the beach with my friends where we just swim and build sand castles all day and then roast hot dogs and marshmallows (some of my fave memories of high school were on the beach super late at night around the campfire). I am pretty active, i used to be super into sports in high school but now i’m not really, I used to swim competitively for like 8 years, and I also was part of a rowing team for a couple years, and I really loved it, trying to get back into it but i’m way too out of shape rn lmao. I also love baseball, watching it and playing it (but mostly i just watch) (go giants). I love music, fave genres being rock/alt rock/punk/pop, and I loooove going to concerts, i’ve been to at least 30 by now lol I’m pretty much always got music playing, my fave band is fall out boy (i’m basic i know lol).

my grades have always been…. Super average. Not because I don’t understand what I’m being taught but because I never really did my homework, i would always procrastinate and especially with big projects, if it wasn’t absolutely perfect I hated it and would be constantly stressed about it and then just not do it so :/ (this is still true a little in college but i’m getting much better and just getting things done, and i like to have friends with me while i’m working so they can yell at me if i get distracted).

This got really really long so i’m just gonna stop now lmao (i like to talk about myself lol is it obvious??) (ive never done a matchup request before but i like yours because you put so much thought into them i couldnt resist thank you love you)

hi, love! Before I start, the fact that you let me know about that ^^ literally makes me so happy and is one of the only reasons I still accept match-ups. I know what I was like sending my first match-up request in and I was a nervous wreck. Which is why I sincerely mean it when I say that I am deeply sorry for how long this took to get back to you. Thank you for sending this in and I love you too 💕

SO, it may seem kind of weird but I actually ship you with Pidge (adjusted to your age, of course, bc we don’t do support pedophilia in this Christian household, no thank you)! However, if the fact that Pidge is (canonically) still a teen bothers you, I can and will match you with someone else!

Appearance reason: most people do the whole “your freckles make constellations” thing, but Pidge said “nah, they’re compounds and mixtures lol” what a nerd. She’ll look for one that matches the formula for sugar just to say “hey, you’re pretty sweet”. Also, she feels the sunburn comment on a personal level bc she too is pretty much always burnt somewhere, it’s not fair.

Mentality reason: Pidge is no stranger to mental health disorders such as ADHD, anxiety, and depression. Whatever she can do for you, she’ll do, no questions asked. While she is more knowledgeable about the physical sciences, she can quickly pick up the psychological (and biological, but I think that’s a physical science) aspect of mental health disorders, and, if there’s something that she can make to help you, she will. One of those is definitely creating a portable mini-piano so you can tap away at that, using some energy and even creating a little music.

Introvert reason: Pidge is 100% definitely an introvert, and, while with the right company she might enjoy a party, she’ll tend to spend the night in. So, you two are pretty much aligned when it comes to those kinds of nights, you know? You just keep each other company, often in silence, and that’s more than enough.

Personality reason: Pidge is someone who has trouble relying on others. She’s so much of a “I can do this myself so watch me do it better than you” kind of attitude, and, while she’s amazing, even she needs someone whom she can rely on. Your personality tends to naturally bring that out of her. Before anything else, you two are best friends, and you’d do anything for each other. Because of that bond, Pidge feels able to come and talk to you about things that she really can’t with anyone else.

Hobby reason: Pidge is totally just in awe of your musical abilities even if you’re not as confident in them yourself. She loves listening to you playing the piano or even singing along quietly to whatever song is playing. With other people, Pidge prefers to work in the quiet (unless she’s discussing something or explaining something), but she loves to just hear you faintly in the background like a distant record player. ALSO, as the Guardian of Nature, she’s exploring new ways to connect with nature, so she’ll often accompany you whenever you’re going out to the mountains. She will most definitely be complaining for part of it because it’s too hot and there’re so many bugs, but she’ll always go because she loves spending time with you even if she can’t always keep up. Rivers and beaches aren’t necessarily her domain, but she still enjoys being in water (especially if she’s sweaty as frick from all of that walking). While you may be actually swimming, she’ll probably just be in the water, floating along somewhere… she does like the bonfire idea as it’s much less strenuous, and it’s fun to be with everyone whether that’s just you or the whole Voltron crew.

Education reason: lol, I had no idea what to call this so here ya go. Basically, Pidge adores your brilliance when it comes to anything that you’re interested in (in this case, geography and cartography). Especially if you’re drawing maps of the places that y’all visit through space, she’ll be there with papers and pencils and any drawing tools you might need. She just loves seeing how it all turns out in the end, especially since it’s like a mix of science and art and WOW you can do BOTH so well !! And she’s definitely a huge (?) help when it comes to procrastination. A little bit of a hypocrite sometimes because she tends to get distracted herself if it’s not something she’s genuinely interested in. But, she will definitely be there to help keep you on track if you’re losing focus or motivation, and she will also offer to help in any way, shape, or form that she can. She wants you to do your best but also not stress so much about it because, sometimes, imperfections are better than any perfect thing out there. Y’all also have a deal where you can switch off rambling about what you’re passionate about, it’s cute and wholesome 💕 you guys are literal best friends which is so nice to be with your significant other.

[r0xelita]

Lets talk about something super personal and important thing: EMOTIONAL LABOR

Since I have no one to talk about this issue and i often see how fixated society is about not opening up about mental illness because it is still seen as personal weakness I feel the NEED to share my thoughts on this topic and my personal experience with it. I am not seeking pity for my situation, I just want you to think about your own position towards emotional Labor and I BET many many many of you will probably relate to the things im going to say.

I hear it very oftenly that people envy me because of my lifestyle, because it seems to be so romantic and achievable: i do cool art stuff, i am a good dancer, i study at art school which seems chilling for many people, i love to powerlift, have good athletic skills, a unique style, a beautiful apartment, a sweet dog, many people view my look as desirable and many other stuff i hear. Yes, these things are strengths of mine, these are things that make me feel alive. I can take these compliments and i am happy that people love these things about me (except the fact how i look this is not a personal strenght or anything that makes someone worthy of love). ...

But the thruth is that these are things that only sound romantic in theory. I am not happy with my life. And i often hear that these things are reasons that I HAVE NO RIGHT to be unhappy because other people view them as positive. And here is the reason why i am constantly unhappy in my oh so pretty life: the amount of EMOTIONAL LABOR i am bringing up towards almost everyone in my life and how it slowly kills you when you dont stop it in time!!

I am happy to say that i am a (not yet fully) recovered grown up that is very aware of their actions and seeks constantly for self improvement, since i started therapy in 2008 i am very focused on my 'mental hygiene' and i am good at handeling myself with all my deficits and taking care of myself. Even though the emotional labor stuff is this one thing i think is super hard to handle because you somehow can not act as the FULLY grown up sometimes.

Every day is unbelievably EXHAUSTING. In many relationships (not only romantic) in my life i brought this HEAVY amount of emotional labour and not getting anything in return and just ending up being exhausted by starting the same conversations over and over again, taking responsibilites of other people because i was accepting the fact that they "couldnt do it",  taking alot of damage because i confounded neglecting your own needs with "being emotional strong" and thinking that it somehow is your own fault rather than letting the other person to be held accountable of their own shit behaviour.

You can say it - on a psychoanalytic level- that it really is somehow my fault. It is scientifically proven that we always seek for partners or relationships that we think can solve our childhood trauma. I grew up under extremely chaotic circunstances without any stability in my life which heavily affected my mental health as a child and teenager. Due to emotional abuse, manipulation, violence and the fact that my feelings or just the way i am is not valid and always wrong i (just like every child that learns any concepts and behaviour to be accepted by their parents because its dependent on then) adapted everything i felt and did with the goal of being loved, valued and accepted.

(This is a very critical topic when your parents also suffer from mental illness, i do not want to speak of guilt and i do not want to call anyone out.)

So logically seeking for partners that somehow represent your parents to replay your childhood trauma with the hope of solving it, everyone does this, even the mentally healthy people and it is not always a negative thing. For me it was falling in love with way older men who seemed to be able to give me the fatherly validation that i was missing, but also ending up with men who are aggressive, shouting when theyre angry and letting me down. You seek for these things because these are the situations that you are used to and give you a kind of false comfort.

When i became aware of my problem and seeing my childish needs that were never fullfilled (and sadly developong a personality disorder because at one point you start feeling and acting like you learned it from your parents) I seeked therapy... and it helped me to turn into a well reflected, grown up responsible person. I am obsessed with improvement and my psychological knowledge is probably the most expanded thing about me lol. So i am sometimes a little bit too fixated about "doing the right things" and not letting my chilhood trauma to control my life anymore. But this is also a dangerous thing, as it collaborates with my childish concept that other peoples well being is more important than my own i somehow, like i said before, i felt like being emotionally developed and strong allows me to put up with problematic behaviour and seeing it as a kind of self validation, like being the one who is strong and has the capacity of helping people who are still struggling with their deficits.

But this is SO WRONG. Just because you are strong doesnt mean that your partner/family member/any person has to use your ressources without giving anything in return.

Just because the other person has misconceptions as a side effect of their trauma it gives them NO RIGHT to act their unreflected emotions out!!

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLES BAD FEELINGS. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE FEELING "ATTACKED". THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ATTACK YOU JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL ATTACKED.

THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ACT IT OUT JUST BECAUSE YOU TRIGGERED THEIR TRAUMA.

EVERYONE HOLDS THEIR OWN ACCOUNTABILITY OF HOW THEY FEEL AND ACT.

A PERSONS ABUSE DOES NOT JUSTIFY ABUSING YOU.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEEDS AND FEELINGS.

And so the roles reversed, i am unvoluntarily often in the role of the caretaker, the mother, the one who has to put away their problems. When i want to critzise someone i have to think about how other people will interpret my critique/problem according their own beliefs and traumata, most people will see it as you attacking them. But me not talking about my problems is not the right solution, it would put me in the same role as i was as a child. So the right way is to take your responsibility to talk about your needs and problems and setting limitations towards the person feeling attacked and the following abusive behaviour against you.

But why is this so hard for so many people? Think about your emotional labour you are bringing up to the table. Think about how many times the other person does not reflect their behaviour. Think about how you ALWAYS have to explain why something is wrong and literally have to play the therapist or mother just because they do not care about their emotional hygiene and they do not take the responsibility of their needy child inside of them. Think about how often you hear "I feel bad because YOU.../I am angry because YOU.../YOU are responsible for how i feel!". Thinking about all the times they are "sorry" but never make any serious attempt to change their situations and keep putting the responsibility for everything on you (and even keep justifying their actions/feelings)

Think about how much energy you spent to "make them feel better" until you realize that this is not your fucking job. Think about how many times you asked yourself if it maybe was your guilt? Think about how many of your expectations they meet, what you get in return? How many times did you think "I have to put up with this because i love this person/they are my family/etc." and you also keep justify their abuse, because you HAVE to be the wrong one? It will ALWAYS create an imbalance in a relationship and you will never be on the same eye level, which is the absolute basic thing any sort of relationship needs.

There is a huge stigma of being the one who acts wrong, so many people do absolutely not want to admit that they did anything bad or are in an abusers position. In my therapy i learned to have a healthy relationship to my mistakes, bad actions do not define me and i have enough self confidence to admit when i am wrong and i am reflected enough to be aware of taking responsibility of it. Thats how learning works. But back to the topic.

That means me putting up with this equals not taking care of my emotional wellbeing. That is my BIG mistake. Ive already lost alot because of my duty to take care of myself and speaking. For example the half of my family. This is a sad thing but i can live with it because i know i acted like a grown up and recognized their false (childish) behaviour. And then comes my emotional labour again: i want them to understand the situation, I HAD to explain that i am not personally attacking them, I wanted to make them feel better by forcing them to think about themselves. I was the one who reflected THEIR feelings.... and putting mine away. I stopped. This was not right. I had to leave them with their misconceptions. I had to leave them with their anger. They are responsible. And i am responsible for saving myself from behaviour like this. You cant be always the understanding person who puts up with everything. You can not achieve/force their understanding. Its not your problem. And not your fault.

(Believe it or not. It is also a misogynistic concept rooted in our society where the woman needs to put up with mens shit, childish behaviour is a thing that is accepted in men, almost expected, so many will not feel the need to think about themselves, seek therapy or seeing anything wrong in their behaviour. It also explains why most of straight couples are more like mother/son relationships because their (aware or not) inner child seeks for a second mother lmao. What i want to say: it is not an indivdual problem, rather a cultural/social one. )

I am still in relations such like that. How does my "romantic and achievable" life look like. It looks like lying in the bed. The whole day. I cannot move, i have zero energy. I have several somatic issues like chronic intestinal and stomach cramps, aching limbs, migraines, fatigue, i am literally never hungry because i am full of emotions that there is no room for food and when i force myself to eat i always have the feeling i need to throw up (not in relation to my bulimic past, its rather the cramps that cause this feeling), my skin is terrible because of my psoriasis which gets worse with every stressful event.

I do nothing. I cant finish my comic. I cant get myself together to make art. I barely response to messages. I often skip class. I have problems to handle a 3 peoples household on my own. I barely do things i enjoy. I isolate myself from people.

Not because i think thats right. I learned how to handle depression issues. But can you imagine how fucking big the impact of emotional labor can be, even on a person who is in good therapy for 10 years?

I try anything. I change my noutrishment, my environment, i pay for medicaments and try to fix these symptomps. But it wont help. You have to work on the root. Take care of yourself. Of YOUR emotional hygiene. Yes, help other people and be supportive but never never ever put yourself away to make others feel better. You can be a loving partner/son/daughter/friend/etc. and STILL take responsibility! You are not a rehabilitation center for other people.

Yes, it is hard to keep the balance. But you will figure it out and will grow!!!

[corvid-knight]

Dig Up Freud And Kill Him Again

alternate title: Rose does not, in fact, have a licence to practice psychotherapy.

Dave talks to Karkat after a therapy session with Rose goes in a direction he's not comfortable with yet.

(Read it on ao3 here:https://archiveofourown.org/works/13850811)

turntechGodhead (TG) started pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)!

TG: yo karkat TG: you know how you like to start feelings jams or whatever the fuck you call them TG: like im sure you have a nice complicated troll name for them but fuck me if I can think of the right fucking word right now TG: whenever i say feelings jam you can just fill in the technical term for dave losing his shit again

CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO TYPE SO FAST? CG: DO I NEED TO COME OVER?

TG: no TG: no no no dont do that okay thats not the goal here TG: at this point the only contact i want is through text until i calm the fuck down

CG: OKAY. WE CAN DO TEXT. CG: WHAT HAPPENED? AND DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY "NOTHING," BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET LIKE THIS WHEN NOTHING'S WRONG AND WE BOTH KNOW IT.

TG: it shouldntve been a problem though

CG: SHUSH. DO I NEED TO CALL ROSE AND GET HER TO EXPLAIN WHY SHIT IS NEVER INHERENTLY "NOT A PROBLEM?"

TG: dont bring rose into this again TG: ive got her blocked on pesterchum for right now anyway and i think i need to leave her that way for a minute TG: kind of just said some really shitty stuff to her

CG: WHY?

TG: because TG: fuck TG: you know how shell slip into trying to give you therapy or psychoanalyzing you or whatever the fuck when youre talking to her sometimes? i dunno if she only does it with me

CG: NO, SHE DOES THAT WITH EVERYONE. IT'S NOT JUST YOU, I PROMISE.

TG: i guess thats a relief since it means she doesnt just fixate on me as being the supreme fuckup

CG: WELL, YOU AREN'T.

TG: thanks TG: but she does that shit to me and i dont realize until shes halfway through explaining some fucking thing about trauma and repression and whatever the fuck TG: and usually its just like ugh rose cmon what kind of psychiatrist are you if youre doing this shit for free TG: but she decided to fucking apply freudian shit to me TG: and i couldnt distract her enough to get her off that fucking tangent TG: i kind of ended up TG: saying some shit about her and her mom that was fucked up TG: blocked her like i told you TG: broke my keyboard TG: kind of punched the wall

CG: IS YOUR HAND OKAY?

TG: nothings broken TG: well i guess theres a fucked up spot in the wall now but ill fix it later TG: im a fucking idiot for getting this worked up about shit

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE. IF SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL YOU AN IDIOT, I'LL BE THE ONE TO DO IT. CG: WHAT DID SHE EVEN SAY TO YOU?

TG: normal shit TG: normal for rose anyway TG: analyzing why i "put up a stoic front" which is bullshit anyway

CG: IT'S REALLY NOT. YOU DO THAT ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

TG: ...fine but i dont fucking do it because of repressed sexual trauma or whatever the fuck she was trying to get at TG: but she decided to use the phrase "modified oedipal complex" and yeah i guess I fucking overreacted

CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

TG: its a psychology thing TG: i think its based on greek mythology TG: some guy who ended up sleeping with his mom TG: its kind of fucked up that shes using it to mean i wanted to fuck bro because the guy didnt fucking know it was his mom and he thought he was doing the fucking right thing anyway

CG: DAVE, I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS.

TG: yeah fair enough since im pretty sure im just trying to avoid going over the shit im upset about

CG: THIS IS WHY ROSE SAYS YOU PUT UP A FRONT OVER SHIT.

TG: yeah yeah youre very perceptive shut up

CG: DO YOU WANT TO NOT TALK ABOUT IT?

TG: thats a hard question TG: like just clamming up sounds like an amazingly smart idea but then again itd mean that rose is one fucking hundred percent right about how i am and i cant handle accepting that

CG: BECAUSE?

TG: she said TG: or like at least implied TG: that i wanted to fuck bro TG: or wanted him to fuck me i guess but that was always the last fucking thing id ever want TG: why the hell would i want that

CG: MAYBE SHE MEANT SUBCONSCIOUSLY?

TG: that doesnt make that much of a difference TG: like why would this be a subconscious thought TG: were talking about a guy who didnt give a shit whether his kid saw his fucked up sex toys every day TG: he had cameras everywhere and he filmed everything either of us did and played it back where he knew id see it so he could film how i reacted TG: like theres a lot of things that got treated as off-limits when i was growing up but sex wasnt one of them

CG: MAYBE THAT'S WHY SHE SAID THAT, THOUGH.

TG: what because i knew what fucking was id want him to fuck me TG: thats stupid TG: thats really fucking stupid TG: look TG: did i wonder if he wanted to fuck me? yeah TG: a lot TG: whenever he decided to bring smuppets into a fight TG: whenever i found one of his cameras in my room or the bathroom TG: whenever i lost a strife and ended up on my back looking up at him standing over me TG: it wasnt ever a question of me wanting that shit it was always me wondering if this was the time it was going to happen TG: nothing ever even did TG: like i dodged those plush fuckers and i disconnected his cams and he walked away or he made me pick up my sword and keep fighting TG: but i cant tell her that TG: fuck i cant tell anybody that karkat

CG: YOU TOLD ME.

TG: youre different TG: if i lose my shit while im talking to you you know how to just wait and let me come down off it or talk me through it but rose tries to fix shit the right way TG: or at least the fucking professional way TG: god fucking damn psychology shit

CG: SHE'S TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU KNOW.

TG: yeah but im fucking it up

CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT. CG: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

TG: a lobotomy

CG: ...NO. CG: YOU NEED. LIKE. CONVERSATIONAL SAFEWORDS. MORE THAN JUST "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT," BECAUSE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU EVEN A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

TG: so everything rose wants to talk about

CG: MOST THINGS, YEAH. CG: AND YOU GET UPSET AND YOU STOP BEING ABLE TO ARTICULATE IT WELL ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO TELL OVER TEXT. SOMETIMES EVEN IN PERSON.

TG: okay you do have a point TG: rose is going to have some shit to say about me wanting to set up safewords for her therapy sessions like it's some kinky bondage setup

CG: SO YOU TALK TO HER WHEN I'M THERE AND I GIVE HER A DEATH GLARE UNTIL SHE GETS THE MESSAGE THAT YOU DON'T NEED HER GIVING YOU SHIT FOR DOING THIS.

TG: thatd work yeah TG: see this is why youre the smart one

CG: I KEEP TELLING YOU THAT.

TG: yeah yeah i already admitted it okay TG: hey karkat TG: thanks

CG: HEY, I DON'T NEED THANKS FOR HELPING MY BOYFRIEND. CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER NOW?

TG: maybe in a little while

CG: OKAY. CG: MESSAGE ME AGAIN WHEN YOU'RE READY AND I'LL BRING A MOVIE AND SOME SNACKS, OKAY?

TG: yeah man TG: love you

CG: LOVE YOU TOO.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) is an idle chum!

Notes:

I feel like I need to make a note here that this is supposed to be set when Rose and Dave are both about fifteen-sixteen. This isn't meant to be a jab at Rose's attempts to practice psychiatry, this isn't me saying anything about her. She's a fucking kid who's working off shit she taught herself; even if she referenced Freud's faulty and horrible findings, I'm not trying to go after her character for that. She made a mistake, and Dave's damn well going to try to explain that mistake to her so she doesn't make it again.

[starcrystal-healing]

Would you mind talking more about being a starseed? That is if you’re comfortable. I feel im a starseed as well just don’t know the details yet

   Hello! Sorry for taking so long getting to your question. I am a pretty secretive person but I will try to share what I can. Firstly I rarely tell anyone whether or not they are starseed (or otherkin, or anything else of that nature) because it can just be so complicated. The truth is that some of the people attracted to the idea of being a starseed feel that they are different from the rest of humanity. This could be for many reasons - abuse, trauma, psychological issues, or just plain wanting to feel different. A big dose of discernment is needed when diving into these topics. So, long story short: discernment + keep in mind not everything and everyone labeled starseed and/or extraterrestrial related really is.

   With that said, there are a ton of different definitions for someone being a starseed. A common one is that anyone with a past life as an exterrestrial is a starseed. I don’t agree with this because there are many people who have had lives in other places and they are still not starseeded. Another thing ive seen are starseed “quizzes” usually with questions like “Did you spend a lot of time looking at the sky when you were 5 years old?”  “Do you feel like an old soul?” Not a very good quiz. Another thing is starseed markings or the belief that if you are starseeded, you will have certain things going on in your astrological chart. I am personally unsure of this.

I will share a piece of this pic I made that is going to be included in my long-abandoned ahem I mean still in progress class on ascension and starseed stuff to explain what I believe a bit.

    So inside of this lovely red circle i made in ms paint there are a few names with arrows between them. You can think of this like a family tree. First, things start at source consciousness (or God, whatever you want to call it) and things branch out to an oversoul. Think of an oversoul like a large tree. Branches come off of the tree and each branch is different. The branch on the left goes to HS which means higher self. The higher self is like the governing authority of the persons individual soul and also contains the persons original blueprint/purpose here. Under the left higher self you have an ET, and this ET decided to branch off and create another Higher self to form a human being, which is alessandra on the left side. This is just one way of how things can go but to sum it up the process of being a starseed or becoming starseeded is this: ET being (who is capable of doing this) decides they want to experience/give birth to another life while still being incarnate as themselves, so they project their consciousness to be able to create a human being (or something else for that matter). So to me, being a starseed is less about your level of interest in aliens or what your past life was, but rather the structure of your soul. It is like an extraterrestrial planting a seed here on earth. There are a ton of other ways for this to happen but this is just one teeny oversimplified example.

   People are starseeds for different reasons. My personal bloodline (from humans/earth and otherwise) is very deliberate and helping me do what I am here to do. My personal experience being a starseed has been interesting. A few years after my spiritual awakening had happened and I realized that my psychic abilities were here to stay and I had semi-accepted they were here to stay, I still had questions. I had been seeing and communicating with different beings for years but some of the beings were.. Different. Some of the things happening, some of the places I would go to during dreamtime, some of the experiences I was having just felt strange. I mean, there were already strange things going on, but there were strange things and then there were stranger than strange things. Now that I think about it, I do not remember where I ever heard the term starseed from first. But I just did some digging online & a shit ton of meditating and that is basically how I found out what I need to know. Meditation was very frustrating for me at first but later on I started getting information. I was also super into kundalini yoga at the time and I would dedicate a few hours a day to that.  I was pretty young when this was going on, I didn’t even have a job back then so I would just spend hours reading about starseed stuff or watching videos on youtube since I had the time. Most of the stuff I found was either total trash or semi-trash with some nice stuff mixed in here and there. DISCERNMENT

    One of the things that happened to me a lot as I got older was channeling. I would have different beings in my body (not literally, just a small portion of their energy) that I knew were ETs because I recognized their energy. I would get a lot of information. I would have a lot of dreams as well, or in my out of body experiences I would be with them. I would sit to meditate and then all of a sudden I was somewhere else with someone teaching me energy healing at such a high level I couldn’t understand it. I never consciously wanted any of this to happen to me, and at times it was extremely overwhelming. To someone energetically sensitive the energy of these beings can hard to be around. This was all years ago and now everything is so calm related to before. If things had not gotten way too intense I just would have tried to ignore it but it was just way  too much to explain away as coincidence. I always go back and forth between wanting to have super intense experiences and not wanting to have them. I actually asked my guides to leave me alone unless its important lol im super rude. But If i am trying to live my everyday life or doing crystal healing on a client I can’t focus on them when there is an ET party going on in the corner of the room.. Just no. I feel like extraterrestrials pick the STRANGEST ways to communicate with me especially compared to other beings.

I feel like this was just a big uninteresting ramble but I hope it helps you in some way!! You can always ask more questions if you need to.

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[fumbliesthots]

2019 - Year in Review

Hello, tumblr journal, long time no see. While you were away I was having rendezvous with 2 other journals - Notion (for work thoughts) and my exercise book (for personal mundane reflections). But you probably already guessed it.

But you see, I always will come back to you because we made a pact to see each other at least twice a year, isn’t it? On June 19 and Dec 31.

So you would like to interview me about what I’ve been up to this year? Oh how kind! There are quite few people in this world is interested in little old me, hee.

1. What are your favourite memories this year?

Tele and phone calls from Jappu. Janchan and I have grown in our friendship this year surprisingly despite her being away for such a long time. I have learnt that long distance friendship is kinda fun (in fact when she was coming back home I was even a bit upset)!

Travelling with Jessi laoniang is always a treat. She is entertaining in her unassuming and authentic ways and I enjoy her cheerful company.

The monthly Kampung Sketching sessions. It’s really cool to see Lingsan overcome her fear of hosting events and now she is a pro. And to see people coming to the kampung for the first time and drawings of the kampung in so many different interesting angles.

2. What trips have you made this year and what were some highlights?

i) Prague work trip with Lulu and Claire - Snow sledding in the mountains, and going to a Czech police station to report a scam, hanging out with chor and gary after work.

ii) New Zealand with the family - Breathtaking mountain views, hiking in the rain in full gear, and skydiving over the glaciers.

iii) Beijing IXDC trip with Jess - The making of our fried chicken MV was so much fun! And eating 小龙虾，鸭脖 and beer at midnight at the hostel corridor.

iv) Boxmeer/Prague/Bruges - Business trip by myself for the first time was kinda liberating, and also getting to visit Eos in Brugge again.

v) BKK UX Savvy trip with the team - boring conference but awesome company. 5am clubbu gymmy and brekki with meowchan.

vi) JB with Lulu and Jan - making up silly animal stories, shiok Thai massage, being tickled at their new hair transformations, and interesting Grab/JB customs adventure to end it off.

3. What is the biggest change you noticed about yourself this year?

I noticed ever since taking on this role in Design Operations, I started to come out of my shell a bit more, wanting to take care of my colleagues and doing things to make sure they are happy at work. Despite being an introvert, I realised I enjoy socialising with people and making people feel comfortable. And i have also become a bit more assertive and confident in things that I believe are right to do.

4. What was the biggest challenge you had to face this year?

Politics at work busted my idealistic bubble. I was a bit upset when I heard stories of people fighting and competing with each other... just for promotion, raises and recognition. Isn’t it ridiculous? But perhaps to survive in the corporate world I have to just do my best and accept that this is normal but try not to get sucked into all the negativity.

Just stay on course, remember what you are here for - to help people solve their problems, and give it your all! Ego is the enemy.

I also learnt that sometimes my happy-go-lucky attitude doesn’t work well on everyone, and might even offend people who takes things very seriously. I need to be careful about that. But it is a tough habit to kick, because sometimes I can get slightly antsy when someone around me is in a bad mood and I don’t know why, and I would want to do something to neutralise that mood.

5. Read any good books?

Ever since I got Libby, I have been devouring new books every month, and I am learning so much! The most impactful to me this year is probably The Power Of Moments by Chip and Dan Heath. And the second one is also by the same author, Switch. These 2 books made me understand more about human psychology and how to motivate people to do things.

Other special mentions are Radical Candor (about how being brutally honest and caring personally is important) and Never Split The Difference (a book on negotiation). I learnt so much from these books that I even made nerdy ppt slides to share them with my friends, forcing them to sit through my presentations, heh. Poor things.

6. Any people you’d like to thank this year?

I can never thank my parents enough for all the things they provide me, so this top spot will always be saved for them. Although they always nag at me, and never emotionally expressive, the things they do for my siblings and I is really unconditional love.

As usual, my UX family whom I spend perhaps even more time than my actual family. This has been a year of experiments and emotional up and downs. But I feel we have learnt and grown a lot together as a team.

And all my friends. Who taught me so many things through their life stories and inspiring me to be better. Thanks to them, just a text, a call, or a meetup away, I am never lonely. (I sometimes do really wonder how that feels like!)

Ajahn Brahm. Hehe, this is a great monk that I have learnt a lot from and he probably has changed my life already. To be kindful, to be gentle, to be peaceful is to be happy.

7. What were some new things you tried this year?

5am club. Exercise regime. Brewing my own filter coffee. Getting more regular in short 15min sittings. Starting a work journal to reflect about things and people at work.

8. Name some of your favourite things of 2019

Ajahn Brahm’s dhamma talks - I always thought that I was a glass-half-full kind of girl but recently after getting hooked onto Ajahn Brahm’s stories on youtube, I became even more so. I also enjoyed repeating those stories to my friends, especially when I thought they could use some positivity to help them see their life difficulties from a different perspective. So much so that even my boss used one of the stories I told to tease me every time i made a very “evon” mistake. (Mmm... honey...)

Sodastream - I bought this for the family so that my brothers would stop buying unhealthy soft drinks. It worked! Mmm.. soda water.

Janchan’s morning challenges - thats how i started waking up early and getting productive in the mornings. But that girl does not follow through to her own challenges, tsk tsk.

Audrey’s life hack for bubble tea cup - use a silicone bag! I have amused many woobbee and each-a-cup aunties when i bring it to dabao my bubble tea.

9. What were your new year resolutions last year and how did you do?

Well well well. Let’s see.

1- Figure out how to be a leader: I am learning a lot just by observing the way boss does things. I hope he can be our leader in many years to come so I will always have the privilege to learn from him.

2 - Being more articulate and assertive: In some ways I realised I have subconsciously learned to do that in situations that requires me to do so. And the trick is just to do it with humble confidence.

3 - Plan more and be less slipshod about things: Hmm... as an operations lead I suppose I should feel guilty about not working on this more. But as I have learnt from a very wise monk, too much planning is futile sometimes, and may cause unnecessary stress on yourself and others, hehe. I kid. I will carry this rezzo forward to next year.

4 - Being more caring with my parents: Still working on it. And sometimes I will tend to fall into my old habits of silent avoidance, especially when they start nagging. But I think this year I have tried being more attentive to their needs, and talking more.

5 - Continue staying healthy: I think I’m doing pretty well in this, especially since starting to wake up super early. I have more time to workout physically with my simple exercise regime, as well as mentally through short meditation sittings and journal writing.

10. Rezzos for 2020 to start the year off of?

1 - Continue working on trying to care more for my parents, and take on more responsibilities regarding household stuff. Make them less worried that their kids can’t be independent without them.

2 - I want to try writing, and develop my own voice. As I learn more about leadership and being human, I thought should document this journey in someway so that perhaps it could help someone else one day on a similar path too.

3 - I’m surprised I didn’t mention anything about money in last year’s post. That is something I’ve always be clueless about. And today I made a ditch attempt to be more “adult” by getting a credit card, so that I can get more interests out of my bank... or something. Yeah, ok I will try to learn more about this finance thing in 2020!

4 - Find a new personal project that can give me a belly burning feeling, that is not work related. Ok la, maybe no need belly burn, just a mild tingle also can. Something that I would be excited to work on for at least a couple of months.

5 - What’s that thing about being less slipshod again? 🤔

[rt1cnf]

BULLYING ON STUDENTS

BY: AYESSA M. GULA AND ROELLYN ESCOTO

12 HUMSS

When you mentioned bullying it is something that is very common towards teenagers and showbiz or famous figures. Bullying is an open-ended and willful misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over entirety or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening.

The DepEd or the Department of Education has commended Department Order No. 40 which systematized zero tolerance for violence against children and authorized the CPC in all public and private schools. It added information relating to the identity and personal circumstances of the bullies, the victims, or the witnesses shall be treated with utmost confidentiality by the Child Protection Committee (CP)C and the school personnel. The department also obtained the announcement of the Implementing Rules and Regulations of Republic Act 10627, or the Anti-Bullying Act of 2013, which requires schools to submit copies of these policies to the district offices.

"The Department also encourages learners who experience or witness bullying, abuse, or retaliation to speak up and report verified incidents to their peers, parents, teachers, and the appropriate authorities for proper intervention," DepEd said in a statement Friday.

One of the current bullying matters here in the Philippines was in Catanduanes when a 15 years old boy was being hit with a wood just because he refused to give the bullies his allowance already. He sustained a blood clot in the head aside from a fractured skull after he was mauled by older schoolmates in Bagamanoc Rural Development High School. He was unconscious when he was first rushed to the Bagamanoc rural health unit.  Another one is from one of the famous school in the Philippines which is in Ateneo. An athlete student beat up another student inside the comfort room, he never stopped the beating even though there were students taking videos of him. Lastly, was here in Cebu, in a public school where a little boy was asked to give 1000 pesos per week and if he won’t give, they would beat him up until he bleeds.

“I am very sad about the report of the elementary student towards their Elementary principal. As the adviser of the one who bullied, I feel like I am responsible of the happening. It feels like I failed to guide him and discipline his attitude, it feels like I am a failure” Mr. AM said, a Night High School grade 10 adviser.

As for 2016, there is an increase rate of bullying not just here in the Philippines but all over the world. Rates of bullying vary across studies (from 9% to 98%). A meta-analysis of 80 studies analyzing bullying involvement rates (for both bullying others and being bullied) for 12-18 year old students reported a mean prevalence rate of 35% for traditional bullying involvement and 15% for cyberbullying involvement. 33% of students who reported being bullied at school indicated that they were bullied at least once or twice a month during the school year, a higher portion of female than of male students report being bullied at school (23% vs. 19%). In contrast, a higher percentage of male than of female students report being physically bullied (6% vs. 4%) and threatened with harm (5% vs. 3%). There must be a level continuity and frequency to the display of aggression. While available statistics vary in the Philippines, this much is certain according to studies: back in 2010, roughly 2.7 million students suffered bullying victimization each year with 160,000 choosing to miss school because of it.

When a person is bullied he, she will start to do things like like there would be changes in sleep patterns, changes in eating patterns, frequent tears or anger, he or she becomes withdrawn or starts stammering and would probably feels like he is always alone. He will become aggressive and unreasonable. He would refuse to talk about what is wrong, and would develop a phobia in facing people.

“Year 2013, my youngest daughter was being bullied here in one of the famous international school. I never knew it until someone reported me that she saw my child outside the school with wounds. I asked her but she never answered me properly, she just suddenly told me that she doesn’t want to go to school anymore” a teacher whose name should does not want to be told but let’s just call her Mdm. Desto, a former grade 6 adviser in a public school here in Cebu.

Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, school, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience the following which are Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood and he may also beat his wife or child.

People that would suffer bullying may develop psychological disorders and the most common of them is depression. A student may feel unwanted everywhere that he may start to feel that no one would protect or love him because of what he is suffering right now. This leads to suicidal thoughts and then suicide. We are encouraging people to stop bullying to end this chain which can end someone's life. In the Philippines in the Philippines a study that states that about 50 percent of Filipino students are bullied in school and they started to have the symptoms and signs of depression and one-fourth of their population decided to end their life.

“She really did suffer anxiety and panic attack, there is also a time that she would breath hardly when arriving her classroom” Madam Desto added

There is a recent news about the suicide because of bullying. Due to its sexuality  a 17-year-old Sophia Santos came out as bi in a Facebook post, classmates mocked  due to her appearance, sexuality, and gender identity, even telling Santos she should take her own life. She died on January 24, just months before her high school graduation.

“It’s been so hard to think and unbelievable, what happened to our family,” Czarine wrote on Facebook. “To all the students who bullied my sister because of her appearance and gender, may you all find peace of mind. You destroyed someone’s future. You destroyed a family… Words can kill a person.”

When a person is a bully he possessed these things like get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently, have unexplained extra money or new belongings, blame others for their problems, don’t accept responsibility for their actions, are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity.

“I was very angry when I knew that my grandchild bullies someone in school, I was so schocked because the one that he introduced me as a friend was actually the student that he bullied. He asked for the notebooks of his classmate, he won’t copy notes but he wanted to throw it in the toilet bowl.” Mrs. Melon said, a grandmother of the bully

“Teachers, students, and parents should cooperate in this situation if you wanted to stop bullying. It is also very important to have an open communication to it.” Sir AMsaid.

“I guess the proper thing to prevent bullying is to be matured enough in thinking your actions” J. E Ephraim, a University of Cebu grade 12 student said.

“Talk to their child always and have time to them make sure to give them proper guidance, I guess that is one of the best way to avoid that issue” Madam Desto answered.

DepEd Order No. 55, series 2013 (DO 55 s. 2013), or the “Implementing Rules and Regulations (IRR) of Republic Act No. 10627 (R.A. 10627) Otherwise Known as the Anti-Bullying Act of 2013,” on the other hand requires all public and private schools to submit a copy of their child protection or anti-bullying policy to the Division Office. The same shall be submitted to the Regional Director in addition to the requirements for an application for permit to operate and/or recognition as prescribed by the existing rules of the Department. Rule IV of DO 55 s. 2013 underscores that the bullying prevention program in schools shall be comprehensive and multifaceted, and shall involve all education stakeholders and personnel. Schools shall develop intervention strategies like counseling, life skills training, education and other activities that will enhance the psychological, emotional and psychosocial well-being of victims, bullies, and other parties who may be affected by the bullying incident. Private schools that fail to comply with the requirements of R.A. 10627 or of the IRR may face penalties under the law.The Department also encourages learners who experience or witness bullying, abuse, or retaliation to speak up and report verified incidents to their peers, parents, teachers, and the appropriate authorities for proper intervention. Any information relating to the identity and personal circumstances of the bully/ies, the victim/s, or the witness/es shall be treated with utmost confidentiality by the CPC and the school personnel.

Sources:

https://www.deped.gov.ph/2018/12/21/statement-on-prevention-of-bullying-in-public-and-private-schools/

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/index.html

http://www.newnownext.com/filipino-teen-bisexual-suicide-bullying/02/2018/

https://www.change.org/p/philippine-government-anti-bullying

[midoriyasbones]

1-155

what have i done...

1: Full name

not comfortable giving online... so you’re getting Juiliet Capulet

2: Age

16

3: 3 Fears

the dark

abandonment/being forgotten

bees

4: 3 things I love

writing

voltron

all star cheerleading

5: 4 turns on

humor

good communicator

patience

a working knowledge of psychology

6: 4 turns off

selfish/manipulative

communism

unsanitary bathrooms

the triggered meme.

7: My best friend

irl: @theoceansaresoup and @thecoastisclare

online: @momiswearimnotgalra

8: Sexual orientation

//sweats// pansexual...?

9: My best first date

i dont think i’ve ever had one really...

10: How tall am I

5 foot 5!

11: What do I miss

emotional stability.

12: What time were I born

7:30 in the morning

13: Favourite color

yellow!

14: Do I have a crush

yEs

15: Favourite quote

‘A girl is a gun’

16: Favourite place

anywhere thats not home

17: Favourite food

CHICKEN SOFT TACOS WITH CHEESE AND SOUR CREAM

18: Do I use sarcasm

too much tbh

19: What am I listening to right now

C418

20: First thing I notice in new person

intelligence

21: Shoe size

women’s 5

22: Eye color

brown

23: Hair color

brown

24: Favourite style of clothing

uh... sweatpants??

25: Ever done a prank call?

nope

27: Meaning behind my URL

i just really fuckign love tacos man

28: Favourite movie

Singing in the Rain

29: Favourite song

Smoke Filled Room - Mako

30: Favourite band

C418

31: How I feel right now

p good

32: Someone I love

@medlie

33: My current relationship status

single

34: My relationship with my parents

s t r a i n e d

35: Favourite holiday

Cheerleading Worlds Weekend

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

my ears are pierced??? does that count...

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

‘vaccinate your fucking kids’ on my forehead tbh (jk)

i actually want a little star on my wrist... for FotS... (only bes

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

dunno

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

my last ex is @momiswearimnotgalra and no we definitely do not

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

never.

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

nope

42: When did I last hold hands?

8th grade i think?????

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

mom thinks 3 hours but tbh its like 15 minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

i haven’t shaved them since june of 2016 *laughing*

45: Where am I right now?

office

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

the coroner bc if i drank i’d DIE

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

BOTH

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yes

49: Am I excited for anything?

graduating

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

not really

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

all the time

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

/??????

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

never been kissed ://

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

myself ://

55: What is something I disliked about today?

cant name it.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

JEREMY SHADA

57: What do I think about most?

my writing

58: What’s my strangest talent?

ive never lost a game of rummikube

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

bees.

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

both.

61: What was the last lie I told?

‘yeah im ok’

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

both??? //sweats//

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

i dunno man

64: Do I believe in magic?

i dunno man

65: Do I believe in luck?

i dunno man

66: What's the weather like right now?

cold, but a nice night

67: What was the last book I've read?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

noooo

69: Do I have any nicknames?

jules, jui,

70: What was the worst injury I've ever had?

a dog once nearly scratched my eye out

71: Do I spend money or save it?

save

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

no

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

a pink index card

74: Favourite animal?

cant choose!!

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

writing. i shit you not.

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

what the fuck kind of question is this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

World Cup Shooting Stars Cheer Mix 2014-2015 :’)

78: How can you win my heart?

never leave

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

‘well that was anti-climatic’

80: What is my favorite word?

drowsy!

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

@thebootydiaries

@elentori-art

@theoceansaresoup

@momiswearimnotgalra

@thecoastisclare

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

‘vaccinate your fucking kids’

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

nope

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

the power to know what to say

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

‘Are you manipulative?’

86: What is my current desktop picture?

Voltron.

87: Had sex?

too personal and too hard to define

88: Bought condoms?

nope

89: Gotten pregnant?

nope im gay

90: Failed a class?

no

91: Kissed a boy?

no

92: Kissed a girl?

no

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

no

94: Had job?

minecraft??

95: Left the house without my wallet?

every damn day

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

 NO

97: Had sex in public?

no

98: Played on a sports team?

unfortunately

99: Smoked weed?

no

100: Did drugs?

no

101: Smoked cigarettes?

no

102: Drank alcohol?

whats an alcohol

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no

104: Been overweight?

no

105: Been underweight?

yes

106: Been to a wedding?

yes

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

longer

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

no

109: Been outside my home country?

no

110: Gotten my heart broken?

yes

111: Been to a professional sports game?

yes

112: Broken a bone?

not sure

113: Cut myself?

yes

114: Been to prom?

yes

115: Been in airplane?

yes

116: Fly by helicopter?

no

117: What concerts have I been to?

INDIANA SYMPHONY LMAO

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yes

119: Learned another language?

yes

120: Wore make up?

yes

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

too personal and too hard to define

122: Had oral sex?

no

123: Dyed my hair?

no

124: Voted in a presidential election?

no

125: Rode in an ambulance?

no

126: Had a surgery?

yes

127: Met someone famous?

no??

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

no

129: Peed outside?

yes

130: Been fishing?

yes

131: Helped with charity?

yes

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yes :’)

133: Broken a mirror?

no

134: What do I want for birthday?

Tarte Make Believe In Yourself Palette

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

no idea to both

136: Was I named after anyone?

no

137: Do I like my handwriting?

ehhhhh

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

LITTLEST PET SHOP

139: Favourite Tv Show?

Voltron

140: Where do I want to live when older?

california???? maybe... definitely nyc tho

141: Play any musical instrument?

3, clarinet, piano, and trumpet

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

slipped and fell and slammed my shin into a picnic table

143: Favourite pizza topping?

nothing.

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

yes

145: Am I afraid of heights?

no

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

yes

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

yes

148: What I'm really bad at

judging emotions

149: What my greatest achievements are

getting fan art made of my fan fics

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

‘You use your intelligence to put others down’ or something along those lines. i know im smart, but i dont use it to make others feel stupid. i do however correct people when they’re wrong. im sorry if you cant bother to look things up after you see them once (1 time) on tumblr like okay.

151: What I'd do if I won in a lottery

cry then buy my school a fine arts center

152: What do I like about myself

good writer!

153: My closest Tumblr friend

@cherishtheadolesence

154: Something I fantasize about

acceptance

155: Any question you'd like?

what’s my iq? 156 last i checked

[truckergurlz2019-blog]

Texas Rose

Hello Yall! Im gonna introduce my self as K.T (aka Texas Rose) So where do i start...i guess from the beginning.

**Get ready to read**

At the age of 16 i became pregnant with my first baby. Yes a teen mom and something that i was soo scared of, something i was not very proud of, something that was NOT in my future plans but that i knew i had to step up and take responsibility for..even then i managed to finish high school and graduate with honors as well as.get accepted into multiple colleges.

**i was one smart cookie lol**

unfortunately her father was very abusive in every sense of the word..i feared for my life, but i never told anyone the extent of the abuse..i always painted a smile on my face and pretended everything was fine..(until recently ive gone alittle into details with my driver) and after 5 long long years living hell on earth i got the strenth to leave him (i credit my college psychology courses for that) after him i met a Soldier who i thought would be my one and only..unfortunately after a few months of talking/dating he was called back to active duty..October 2010 i got the news that he had been KIA..i was devistated...i had put datingon hold since my soldier died..but my friend introduced me to a guy..i took things kinda slow at firs...then i thought this guy wouldnt hurt me..but wrong...i got pregnant from my second baby..his dad finally showed his true colors and after trying to fix things for 6 years i decided to call it quits...it was over way before that... he was very abusive mentally and emotionally and i always felt like a single mother...i could never count on him to help with the kids or financially..i pretty much supported him the whole time...which is why i say it was pver before i ended things and kicked him out.

**have i lost any if you yet? No? Ok lets keep going**

In June of 2017 after going for drinks with my cousin she convinced me to download Tinder. It was something sooo out of my comfort zone, i met so many guy that just wanted sex and i debated deleting the app, but chose not to, and i do not regret it one bit!

July 2017 i met my Trucker. I dont know how we matched up if he was headed to the Florida Keys and i was here in Texas. I guess like they say Gods plan is the right plan. And Gods timing is the perfect timing. We clicked from the get go. He was nothing like the guys i was usually attracted to but man did this guy sweep me off my feet!

I guess i made a good impression on him and he fell for me too because within 5 monthe he moved to Texas and asked me to move in with him. Yes we moved very fast, no i dont regret it..He has been heaven sent since the beginning. I am not proud and i admit im a bit ashamed that i have 2 baby daddys and to.be honest they arent the best. My Driver has been such an amazing father to both my children and has loved them and accepted them from day one.

Here we are almost 2 years later happy, madly in love with each other, and with a baby on the way. My little miracle, we tried for 8 months unsuccessfully and then when we finally stopped trying we were blessed with a baby!

I could not be happier how my life has turned out. Thanks to him i was able to be a.stay at home mom. But i do little side hustles to make some extra cash. One of my mottos is "Team work makes the dream work" and ny trucker and i are a team.

I will be posting Tuesdays and Thursdays about life as a stay at home mama, being pregnant, dealing with those hormones while my trucker is OTR, and dealing with an almost teen daughter and a son with severe adhd combined with emotional disturbances and who is also on the autism spectrum.

[zappsbrannigan]

ive found this thing/tag...n im doin just because i need a reminder of why i want to fuckin move out,,, #abuse

Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearancex10000

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change (? my case is confussin)

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation 

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time (FUCKIN THIS)

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it

parent threatened to leave me (WHEN I WAS LITTLE)

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof (ughghgHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH )

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself 

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care (i wont go into details )

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them (my actual situation)

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. 

Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.

Psychological brainwashing

they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency

they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own

they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult

they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life

they convinced me I would be dead without them

they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to

they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told

they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)

they convinced me escaping them equals death

they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault

they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it

they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them

they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else

they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own

they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor

they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely

they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused

they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay

they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay

I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do

I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up

I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time

I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now

I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again

I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to

I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me

I don’t believe I could survive without them

I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it

I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here

Violence and threats

they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home

they threatened to hurt me if I leave

they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave

they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave

they threatened to call the police if I leave

they threatened to kill me if I leave

they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave

they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave

they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me

they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death

Emotional manipulation and guilt

they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do

they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive

they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends

they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away

they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to

they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them

they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving

they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them

Escape Sabotage

they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it

they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me

they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover

they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)

they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave

they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away

they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)

see why i need save more and more money

-sighs-

[communicationskillstrainin-blog1]

Your True Power: A Practical Guide for Tapping into it

Your True Power is the Power to Love, and It will Conquer Your Fear--if You CHOOSE LOVE

True power as the power to love--I'll put this under the category of "I wish I had written this."  But I didn't.  Following is a must-read, written by Martha Beck for "O" Magazine.  As hurricanes rage up the east coast of the United States and earthquakes grip Mexico--as terrorism threatens every civilized nation and the threat of war seems to loom as though imminent--is it any wonder that we are sometimes gripped with fear and the feeling of being powerless?  But in our own lives, though not entirely masters of our own fate (as nature sometimes reminds us) we are NOT powerless.  We have choices.  We always have choices.  If you're short on time, read at least the last few paragraphs--titled "The Radical Power of Pure Love."  But I'd recommend not missing a single word.  You want to find your power?  This article will be of great help to you.  Ultimately, communication is not just about the study of effective communication skills.  It is primarily about people and about relationships and about ways of acting.  Is this article appropriate for a communication training website?  Absolutely.  It's dead-on.

True Power: How to tap into it--effective communication training

How to Tap Into Your True Power

If you think you have no control over your life, think again. As hemmed in as you may feel, Martha Beck shows you how to break out of that helpless place. By Martha Beck I'm terrified about my daughter's drinking," Mindy told me during our first session, "but I've asked her to get help, and she just yells at me." "My boss can be really unethical," said Denise, another client, "but that's the way things work. If I complain, my job is history." Paula, a third client, is perpetually exhausted: "I know I should take better care of myself," she admitted, "but someone has to be there for my husband and children." You probably hear statements like these all the time. If you're anything like me, you may make plenty of them yourself. They may not sound dangerous, but they are. They're declarations of powerlessness, one of the most psychologically debilitating conditions human beings can experience. If we believe them, such statements can get us stuck in emotional tar pits ranging from frustration to rage to utter despair. The good news? They're never true. Never. I'm not saying we have power over everything in our lives—if that were true, my hair would look so, so different—but I am saying that there's no circumstance in which we are completely powerless. My clients—Mindy, Denise, and Paula—are all being challenged to find their power in a disempowering environment. And whatever your circumstance, so are you. Allow the Power The most common reason we stumble into the delusion of powerlessness is that we're afraid of what other people would do or say or feel if we were to act as we wanted. Mindy was terrified of her daughter's angry resistance. Denise's fear of being fired overrode her ethics. And Paula anxiously predicted that her family would disintegrate if she focused less care on them and more on herself. All three felt stymied, but actually they were just "allower-less" (say it out loud: it rhymes). They were waiting for other people and the arrival of circumstances to give them explicit permission to do what felt right, and by doing so, they were rendering themselves powerless. I sympathize with my clients' plight, but I wasn't impressed by their claims of powerlessness. I've met too many people who have faced far more daunting circumstances yet refused to be disempowered. For example, my friend and fellow life coach Judy Klipin is a polite little slip of a thing, hardly someone you'd expect to challenge an evil empire. I'd known Judy for months before she told me about a morning years ago when several police officers barged into her bedroom at 5 A.M. They were seeking evidence of antiapartheid activity—and it was there. Sitting in plain sight on Judy's nightstand lay a map to the antiapartheid meeting she'd helped organize. Weirdly, the South African police missed this damning document, but they detained Judy anyway, taking her to the infamous headquarters at John Vorster Square, where many activists were held for long periods of time. "Didn't you feel awfully powerless?" I asked Judy when she told me the story. "No," she replied, "though I wasn't thrilled when they encouraged me to picture being raped in prison. But as a white university student, I felt relatively safe. Besides, that's not what was important." What was important, at least to Judy, was resisting an immoral system. For hours, the police tried to break her. They failed. The only person in police headquarters interested in allowing Judy to follow her moral compass was Judy. But that was enough. "I was quite cheeky with them," she remembered. "When they asked if I supported Nelson Mandela, I said, 'How would I know? I've never been given an opportunity to hear anything the man has to say!'" "Had you always stood up for yourself?" I asked. "Actually, no. I don't know where that behavior came from. I suppose I felt I was protected—not physically, but in a spiritual sense. My parents had always been such strong advocates of equality, as was my childminder, Annie. My first memories are of falling asleep on Annie's back while she sang to me in Setswana. So I'd been raised by three people who were walking testaments that apartheid was insanely wrong. I suppose that gave me permission to stand up for what I believed, no matter what. And because I felt so grounded in that basic sanity, I actually knew that the police were more frightened and powerless than I." This statement defies all reason—one 95-pound teenage girl more powerful than armed agents of a violent racist regime? But to paraphrase Pascal, there is a reason that reason does not know, and Judy had tapped into that. The way we can allow ourselves to do what we need to, no matter what others may say or do, is to choose love and defy fear. _____________________________________________________ This has been said so often that I wouldn't even bother mentioning it, except that most of us still don't do it. Want evidence? Go to YouTube, and watch "Linda Hamilton - What Would You Do?" You'll see an experiment created by a TV news team to test whether ordinary citizens will come to the aid of a needy individual. An actor pretends to faint on a city street while a hidden camera films the scene. In one case, more than 80 people ignore the "injured" actor before someone stops to help. Is the Good Samaritan a wealthy philanthropist? A priest? A doctor? Nope. It's a homeless woman with a gimpy leg. On the video, shot in Newark, New Jersey, you can practically see this "powerless" person connecting with innate compassion, deciding to act, and refusing to give up even when dozens of people ignore her requests to call 911 on their cell phones. She gets creative, calling the unconscious man Billy, humanizing him for others. Eventually, she persuades people to offer assistance. Her name is Linda Hamilton, and she is powerful. Compare Linda to Mindy, who almost gave up on her belligerent alcoholic daughter—not out of love but because she feared her daughter's anger. Denise said she loved her job, but she had become a lawyer to avoid looking like a "nobody" and supported her unethical boss due to the same fear. The fears that drove Paula's "loving" acts for her family stemmed from fear of being an imperfect homemaker. If you need to distinguish between acts of fear and the power of love, here's a quick guide: FEAR Always feels bad Motivates grasping Seizes control Insists on certainty Needs everything LOVE Always feels good Motivates liberation Relaxes control Accepts uncertainty Needs nothing The process of spotting fear and refusing to obey it is the source of all true empowerment. Judy did this by choosing beliefs her government called wrong. Linda did it by choosing behavior most passersby saw as foolishly virtuous. Both were bucking social trends, both refused to be scared out of love, and both ultimately prevailed. That's power. _______________________ The Radical Power of Pure Love This seems a fitting day for me to be writing about powerlessness. It's my son Adam's 21st birthday. His best friends are here, joyously celebrating legal adulthood—except that none of them will ever quite be a legal adult. They were all born with serious birth defects. Each of their mothers took vitamins, ate right, had good prenatal care. We did everything in our power to have "perfect" babies. We found that our power didn't amount to much. At the other end of the spectrum, my dog had surgery this week. The vet removed various tumors from his chubby old body, and he never really recovered. I spent the past few days sitting with his head on my lap, the only thing that seemed to make him comfortable. When a follow-up examination made it clear that Cookie had nothing in his future except suffering, I signed a form and put my arms around him as the vet added one more ingredient to his IV drip. Cookie set his sweet, soft head on my hand and died as he lived, with no fear and great love. Birthdays and death days. Both remind us how little power we have. Both present us with infinite opportunities to either love or fear. To the extent that we choose love, the puniness of our material power is replaced by a power that comes not from us but through us. Judy and Linda accessed that power against the tide of social conditioning. Adam and his friends access it every day to live cheerfully with "disempowering" conditions. I felt it coursing through Cookie even as his body powered down, and I felt it in my own decision to let him go. Real power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything. *****Those who mistake violence for power are often surprised by this. Apartheid's architects didn't think twice about all the black women like Annie who were paid meager wages to "mind" white babies. They didn't realize that these women would do something revolutionary, choosing to see the infants of their oppressors not through the eyes of fear, as future enemies, but through the eyes of love, simply as babies. "For many white South Africans who were raised by black 'mothers,' there was no way on earth that apartheid could seem right to us," Judy told me. These women, and people like Judy, became heroes by insisting that love prevail in South Africa. Linda Hamilton became a hero by doing the same thing on an American sidewalk. And you can become a hero today, by choosing love over fear in any situation whatsoever. Each of my clients eventually made the shift: In Mindy's case, empowerment took the form of staging an intervention for her daughter. Denise used her power to leave her hated job, even in today's scary economy. Paula checked into a hotel for three days of rest, then returned to her family with the determination that her own needs counted as much as anyone else's. Each of them felt the power of compassion flowing through them as they aligned themselves with love. Power comes from actions like these, and the infinite small choices between love and fear. Today, pay close attention: Are you following the gripping energy of fear or the liberating energy of love? My own to-do list includes writing this column, calling clients, answering approximately 4,687,977 e-mails, and preparing a speech. Instead, I allowed myself to choose what my heart dictated. I baked a cake for five "handicapped" young people, and held on to a very old beagle while I let him go. It might not look like much from the outside, but I know power when I feel it.  _________________________________ If you want to check out Dan's website for free resources and for downloadable products or onsite and Skype training, or to hire Dan to come on site to your organization, go to danoconnortraining.com Click to Post

[ro17-0458-blog]

March List of demands for event to occur March 25th 2017...

March 10th  2017,   170458 demands

 List of demands rough draft (so  this is small scale like what I would demand from my case in specific)

Sorry for the length I’d rather be thorough because people will ask WHY to anything anyone demands… so to save the time I wanted to go ahead and get you all the raw thoughts for the rough draft. but i can make it try to sound professional if you need me to in a final draft ?

 I still plan to work with BSU and Isla Vista as a community(as discussed with DJ and PAOLA) to turn in a list of demands for this community that will make that greater/physical change. But that’s after more outreach and gathering of stories and projected demands from people here and on campus org's that do face injustices or issues that can be addressed or presented through a collective community presented list of demands.

 Me though … I don’t really know what to demand

(1)         Public acknowledgment in IV with this ‘townhall’ and an official laminated letter with signatures from representatives from every department where I faced hardships; acknowledging that this was NOT the best way to handle a human.  

* I need someone to take accountability in public, because though I do get it in those rare private instances If I have to say publicly what I have been through, I would like for them to bare themselves in public as well…

(2)         S.I.E. training ( I don’t like the acronym or the term survivor really so maybe I’ll think of something more fitting for myself) but Survivors initial encounter training, is what it’d stand for. And basically it’s a training to put the HUMAN back behind the badge, degree, and scrubs. A lot of time a uniform can take over a person’s ego and destroy the human aspect. So how we here have a lot of badges, ranks, and uniforms walking around Isla Vista trying to protect the community from ‘hard core criminals’…it’s just not that deep. They patrol a University and CC community that’s 23k deep and less than two miles so they forget they’re dealing with real ass humans. People’s children, and people who don’t always come with guns to shoot, but we DO have a whole lot of misguided individuals who are perverse in mind, action, and behavior. These are young adults coming straight from high school with new found freedoms, temptations, and demons. So they’re( these officers) fighting a whole different kind of war in their imaginations…they’re not addressing the multitude. And that’s why this rape culture can and has manifested how it has. Because instead of addressing the silent gas leak that’s eventually going to cause this place to be a culture and lifeless rape accepting party unincorporated area that’s feared and negatively stigmatized permanently, they are focused on ‘protecting’ us from SERIOUS DANGERS that CAN EVENTUALLY lurk…

** this is a MATCH to the citizen’s academy( I’m totally taking it just because), which is described as an 8 week interactive course from 6-9pm(April 5th-May 17th) where we are taught how to deal with active shooters and police stuff )

My ideas with this training

So this training should be mandatory for anyone a survivor may come in contact with. But definitely the officers, its ( education for education* then we can all deal with one another -that’s what they are quoted saying well the liaison-)

·         Possible pairing with SBRCC staff/advocates, CARE, & survivors,  and [ IVFP UCPD GVCH SPBD SBSO GSO and local survivors.] And come up with plans and procedures to change…

 - Attack and end to the question WHAT IS YOUR CASE ABOUT? Change it to WHAT IS YOUR CASE NUMBER?.

*Let it be my decision to say what is my case about after you ask my case number. But never ask me what is my case about, especially when first meeting me

-DNA evidence, make it clear if you don’t need it tell me not to bring it in, don’t have me assuming you need it due to a lack of communication and humiliate myself bringing it in.

* applies to all* but is inside of the case.

-Scheduled weekly or (case specific) case updates. Calls from detectives, or even people inside of these departments, have someone else call or email. Just check in.

* Keep open line of communication, so we feel like we are being protected and not ignored. Because bottom line is a lack of communication leads people to panic, we’re either being not heard or ignored. And basic instinct when you are not being heard is to GET LOUDER, and basic instinct when you are being ignored is to GO ELSEWHERE for help with what you need.  And in my case that led to me releasing my video, case number, and information. … ( but that is also credited to the not keeping of deadlines)

- Updates on deadlines. If it changes, let me know SIMPLE AS THAT.

*Communication takes 2 seconds ( I am away and will be back…) I typed that in less than a minute… IT helps with a peace of mind. This community is tooooo small for it to be expected for someone to live in such close proximity of someone who had committed a crime specifically to his/her body; and be advised not to have a restraining order but to be silent; yet to have little to NO communication with anyone pertaining to her case. Instead of assuming an entire station is too busy to return a call for weeks… My mind instantly goes to I AM being ignored by an Entire station, I must go above the station.

-All of these concerns and trainings should be addressed through workshops and actively working hand in hand with the SBRCC advocates and survivors; the workshops and classes and how we feel is fit to teach them and address those concerns is how we shall present them. Just like however they present their citizen’s academy.

(3)         Continued counseling and psychological services for at least 7 years.

* ( hopefully I’m done with my educational dreams by then) But yeah, and not just CAPS like I want someone in my area wherever I end up I want this city? Area? University? Someone to follow me wherever this journey takes me with a psychologist plan where I can always be guaranteed someone to vent to especially since I may be fighting for common sense within systems and having to assist with change within them for years to come)

(4)         Annual monthly meetings…with an email, community text, and physically posted, Sheriff’s station crime statistic update.

The actual meeting should be in the form of townhall 2hrs tops on a week or weekend night.  WE SEND REPS they send reps and the community comes. Each month new reps lead it each month new officers represent the IVFP so we see all the faces In IVFP eventually, and they address everyone who comes from the community; just like they meet ALL of the leaders of active voices in IV. And also ALL of these leaders in IV get to address their concerns and have that platform. . so what maybe the leaders use a week and go into the community hear concerns come up with a list bring it up to IVFP at each meeting and have people from the community address the concerns of the officers as well then let’s see what the officers have to say about it, TOGETHER OUR REP and those officer REPS come up or provide resolutions and projected timelines, or just make meetings to discuss and attack. Then at the end as a community, we give a community update or commentary, and the officers give their crime info and updates.   = that’s my VISION if we wanna try to get some form of ‘comfortable communications’ going with anyone in a uniform willingly perpetuating the unjust dehumanization within this ‘legal /justice system= they gotta come to my level, and let people in this community teach and speak to them since they police OUR community.

*The community text, email, physical post* = So having It can be as vague or as detailed, but tell us what’s really good, what is going on in our community, how many reported active shooters?, bomb scares, sexual assaults, robberies… where did they happen, Any good news? New officers, new additions to the station, any news with the officers, they need prayer fam? They praying for us? Events coming us?  (( they main concern is we don’t care and we don’t have a community because we don’t talk to them… BET))

(5)         Transfer of Schools, and help creating and executing my extended education plan. With all of this going on I haven’t had the time like other student do TO have thought of that plan. So at this point I think they can go ahead and PLAN AND ASSIST, be that financially, with letters of recommendation, definitely TUTORING if I have to take more math courses, and whatever else may come up.

*But yeah this for sure altered my life in MAD ways, be it financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, even my hamsters be neglected sometimes… I’m not complaining I’m just saying an EYE FOR AN EYE. Help me, help you, help ME, since I’m Helping YOU.

(6)         Counseling for my mom and dad

* Not couples counseling or sessions together, but at least 10 individual sessions each or whatever someone can give .. I’M NOT TAKING LESS THAN 7 SESSIONS EACH, and I know they mean more than only seven sessions. So I’ll start with indefinite …then negotiate.  They totally need it.

(7)         The UCPD and IVFP males and Females… parents or non-parents come up with a group amongst themselves that they lead monthly or however it goes, and as parents create events and invite the community to them.

Come as real people and address your concerns for us as ‘PARENTS’ ( since every one is ,….” As a parent I want my child to xyz…; but as an officer, as a doctor, it is my DUTY blah blah)” … well I want these parents, non-parents, and just genuinely ‘caring’ adults with uniforms, badges, …maybe even add the scrubs, and degrees; to do their own community service out here.  We have events and post them up all the time, it’s not that they are not invited, ((maybe not wanted)) but they can show up in Plain clothes and be a part of the community with us… Also this will help make people not be scared to report, so that I know if something happens why it is so important for me to report ahead of time, instead of after getting raped and while you’re shoving your beliefs and guilt trip down my throat while I am trying to take control of a situation I had no control or memory of. I’M panicking you’re Panicking Let's eliminate or lessen the possibility of the PANICS and MISCOMMUNICATIONS, and humiliation,  with fluid community outreach. *outreach= preventative measures taken before a splinter is revealed as a plank;pluck it now G* Between community and resource, BY these resource offices. all in PLAIN CLOTHES. IV is super small it is ALL POSSIBLE if people CARE forreal how they portray they do. If NOT OH WELL I wash my hands of it. But I can only TRY

(8)        LIGHTS/ ILLUMINATION/ GLOW STICKS/ HELL something ON SLOUGH ROAD,

*This is a damned if I DO damned if I DON’T situation. It makes no sense to tell a DEVEREUX employee it is sketch that they are driving on a dark road at night. We get off at night, & go in at night at all times actually sooo… it’s not our choice to go down the dark road, it’s an only option… they made it and have kept it pitch black. I used to walk to work with a flashlight at 11pm during my first year, until we made an alternate walking route. So now I drive with high beams at night*correction because of this and an additional situation with UCPD I no longer work at night at all complete schedule change from my 3+ year norm)

But…DON’T MAKE IT TOO LIGHT where we can’t see the stars and the beautiful view(light pollution). But make it light enough that I can see joggers in the fog. Plus my residents, they fear that road, and some like to go for walks but can’t do night walks. This should be a right of theirs as it is of ours if they want to go walk and stare at the stars from that area by the lagoon they should have a safe lit road to walk on to reach it. Also in this process DO NOT TOUCH THE NATIVE AMERICAN GARDEN that is there. AND IF THEY DO NOT WANT LIGHTS IN THAT SPECIFIC AREA around their garden DO NOT ADD THEM, BUT IF THEY DO …IMPROVE THEIR LIGHTING as well they put some lights for now.

 Sooo I thought of other demands kinda smaller scare if the case specific demands fit more for the greater isla vista demands .

  Like for this list instead of the mandatory training being for MY case specific demands . That can be for GOING FORWARD WITH IV AS a community since it'll take a lot of planning and some time to create classes workshops and all but IS POSSIBLE .

 So in the meantime an immediate change implemented can be they are required to bare minimum take courses at UCSB SOC 1 with Avery Gordon definite possibility it's BASIC .they don't have to take up seats in lectures but all readings midterms Sections and finals should be mandatory for officers working here because that class goes over important information that educates on the SYSTEM & ON INJUSTICE . They only learn how to protect and serve and should be accountable for having knowledge on the system they have entered. I'm sure there are other key courses.

 And another demand I fashoo want my parking ticket erased especially since it was a safety concern .im actually meeting and bringing attention to that today with the ONE officer who I could speak with so I'll seee where that goes either way I'll take it to court lol.its not expensive it's the principal though if I'm doing something to ensure my safety because my community is unsafe and lacks resources , respect that.

  I think you point out the problem, come with proposed resolutions, address the concerns with the necessary individuals, present your proposed resolutions, go through negotiations,,, reach a consensus …. Give the new plan a trial run…long enough to document results …and if ultimately it doesn’t work try again until you get it.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.