#i am moving tomorrow but hopefully ill have one or two up on sunday afternoon

[possibilistfanfiction]

you know the good die young (hopeless changes over time)

[i was asked for a continuation of hospital au w carm & lexa as best friends in it so here u go sry its short i will have lots more prompts up in the next few days!]

//

you know the good die young (hopeless changes over time)

//

‘who are you texting?’ lexa asks, leaning over a little to try to peek at your phone.

‘none of your fucking business,’ you say, locking your phone and then glaring at her as best you can.

lexa smirks. ‘you were smiling.’

‘shut your mouth, woods.’

her smirk turns into a full blown grin. ‘you were!’

‘whatever,’ you say, but it’s not with too much bite, partially because lexa is very pathetically pretending to do the hip exercises her physio gave her but also because she’s kind of wheezing and lugging around an oxygen tank is never fun. also your head hurt so bad this morning you didn’t even want to wear a beanie, which.

sucks.

lexa sighs and you know she’s only done four reps instead of ten but you haven’t done any so you let that go.

‘tell me about them,’ she insists, lying back and then looking at you. like, imploringly, with these big pale eyes and you kind of hate her, she’s gotten so fucking pretty.

‘i met her in the ER.’

‘of course you did,’ lexa says. ‘typical.’

‘you met clarke through some asshat with stage II aml.’

‘you like octavia.’

‘child’s play, truly.’

lexa laughs. you’ve known her since you were both very young, in and out of the hospital at various overlapping times. you were diagnosed with a medulloblastoma when you were two, and it keeps coming back, and you’ve also had mets removed from your liver three times, and it’s kind of just really fucking annoying at this point. you just got into every university you applied to, but that was apathetic and mostly at the urging of your parents, who try to be very positive. it’s terrible and mostly you and lexa are friends because she needs a heart transplant and two days ago surgeons injected polio into your tumor—your brain—because it’s not responding to chemo or radiation anymore so.

whatever.

‘tell me about her,’ lexa says, and she coughs into the crook of her elbow again and when she tries to take a breath you can hear the fluid in her lungs. you know she’s on the top of the UNOS list but neither of you are that naive.

you decide to humor her because she’s done the same for you more times than you can count. when you were twelve and she was eleven, you were both in the hospital for months, and she’d always sneak you food from the cafeteria when you were on a strict diet, and she’d help you with math if you helped her with english. when your tumor didn’t respond quickly to radiation, you lost your vision for a few days, which was terrifying, but lexa would talk quietly and tell you all kinds of little stories she made up, read to you and make you laugh, fall asleep in the same bed. you were friends with costia, too, who was maybe the nicest, coolest person you’ve ever known, and it was fun to watch lexa stumble around and blush. she was the first person you ever came out to, and she just smiled and said, ‘me too, i think,’ and. well. she’s your best friend.

‘her name is elle and she’s like. not sick at all? she cut her finger on a bagel knife.’

lexa wheezes another laugh. ‘just your luck.’

‘she’s so pretty,’ you say, breathily and you’re kind of embarrassed but you walked in on clarke and lexa kissing yesterday so you don’t really care. you go to her instagram and then reluctantly hand your phone to lexa, who scrolls for a few seconds before nodding.

‘she’s beautiful, carm.’

‘yeah.’

‘don’t know what in the world drew her to you.’

you laugh, because lexa was smiling halfway through that half-hearted insult. ‘fuck you.’

‘you’d love that, wouldn’t you?’

‘you’re an asshole.’

‘i’m living on borrowed time. creates a sophisticated sense of humor.’

you roll your eyes and take back your phone. your head is still pounding and your physio is caught up trying to help a toddler losing his shit, and when you gesture to the door lexa shrugs and then nods.

you help her with her oxygen tank and when you get dizzy for a second she holds out her arm, which is only funny because if either of you fell the other would be fucked, but you chance one last glance at your physio before making a break for it.

when lexa makes a beeline for the elevator you know she’s headed to the roof, which is your favorite. somehow she stole an access pass from your least favorite surgeon and you’ve been using it ever since. you quietly ride to the top, make sure there are no waiting ER personnel and then sit on a bench near the edge. you go to get out a belmont when lexa glares.

‘i have an oxygen tank, you idiot.’

‘go out in a blaze of glory. hot.’

‘you’re so dumb,’ she says, but she looks out over the city with a smile anyway. you’re both quiet for a while, but then lexa sighs. ‘it was easier when we didn’t care about dying, wasn’t it?’

‘young love is awful,’ you say, your chest aching when you look at your best friend’s profile, backlit by the rich pressed velvet sky and lights in contrast.

‘i really want a heart,’ she says, quietly and like she’s never admitted it that concretely before.

‘you’ll get one,’ you say, and you feel sure despite having no real reason to. these things fail all the time but you can’t imagine the world without lexa in it.

‘how does your brain feel?’

‘it would be better without that kid fucking screaming for thirty minutes earlier.’

she laughs, but just once. ‘you know what i mean.’

you shrug. ‘i feel like i’ve had a migraine for days but like. i can see and hear and all that which dr peko says is a good sign. i have a pet scan tomorrow.’

‘okay,’ lexa says, solid and sure and soft like she always has been. you don’t talk for a while but when you check your phone you have a picture from elle, of her dog, and you can’t help but show it to lexa, who literally like gasps. you laugh and tell her to back up just a little, take a picture of her backlit, smiling with the skyline. you don’t send it to elle, after you look at it, because it’s just for you. you take a picture of a cigarette instead, in front of some of the biggest buildings you can see.

i cannot believe you smoke, elle texts back.

just like any normal queer punk kid

lexa grins—you can tell, even in the dark, that little fucker.

‘fuck off,’ you tell her, shoving her lightly. she shrugs and you debate playing never have i ever because you really want to ask if lexa finally had sex, but then the door opens and dr. martinez bustles out.

‘carmilla,’ she says, and you roll your eyes at lexa, who grins. you like dr. martinez a lot, but you just really fucking hate being stabbed, which you know is what she’s finding you for.

‘sup,’ you say, get to your feet slowly and then help lexa to hers.

‘you know you’re not supposed to be out here,’ she says, and you shrug while lexa fiddles with her oxygen.

‘we’re dying children, dr. martinez.’

‘you are not dying. not on my watch,’ she says, ushering you back into the building. you ride back down with her and she makes sure to see lexa collected by a nurse in the cardio wing before leading you away.

bye lexa texts you, followed by alternating sobbing/smirking emojis

you're so weird

bye tho see u tomorrow

sneak out for cafeteria breakfast? she asks.

yah sure. u buy tho

deal

cool,  you send, then you know this means u can’t die tonight

lexa sends a gif of rihanna trying to wink, which makes you laugh, and then i won’t. promise

ok, you text. love u pal

you know she’s smiling, because lexa is soft like that.

love you too, carm

you get some decent pain meds before you go to sleep, and you only get woken up once that night, and maybe things are working, because the next morning your head hurts less, and you make it, no problem, to see your friend waiting for you, smiling, a table already saved.

[thehardy-boys]

Friends Tommy Shelby x Reader Request

Hey everyone, If anyones listening... I really loved this request. I keep on saying I’ll have it done by Sunday and then I finish it earlier!  I have a couple more request I’ll finish up hopefully over Thanksgiving break! Please request things!!!

Request: Would you be able to do a Tommy Shelby x reader best friends one like they always work together, fight together, plan together. For the sake of Tommy she attempts to get on with Grace, but as soon as Tommy is away Grace becomes spiteful. Maybe Tommy walks in and sees this.

Warning: A bit of swearing Also I have nothing against Grace at all. She’s lovely!

"Are you out of your mind, Tommy?!" You whisper yelled. You and Tommy were standing in the corner of the church Polly had brought you to. For some reason, on occasion Polly made the two of you come and sit. You both thought it was Polly's way of saying you both were devils and needed help, but it never seemed to work. Tommy had just begrudgingly told you of the case of guns that his men accidentally found. 

"Why haven't you bloody dumped them, Tom?!" You scolded. Tommy sighed and not wanting to face the wrath that was prominent on your face he looked up. You scoffed noticing his undesired want for eye contact, " God won't help you now." "Charlie won't move them until the full moons passed, that's in three days. Then we'll chuck them, Okay?" Tommy responded after a full minute of ignoring your furious stare. "You do realize there's an inspector coming to Birmingham right now to weed all the bad apples out don't you? " Tommy started to speak, but you continued over him. "And yes it may be a bloody coincidence but its a bloody scary coincidence. And Tom," Tommy sighed and turned his head even farther away from you trying to ignore your words but you weren't going to have that. So, you reached out and took his chin in your hand and turned it to face you. "If that officer finds you with the case of guns, you can forget about the bloody Peaky Blinders coming up in the world, do understand that?" You let go of his chin and sighed. You looked away from Tommys piercing cool breezy blue eyes and instead examined the people sitting in the church. You felt Tommy turn your chin so you were facing him just like you had done. "Look (y/n), It'll be alright. I can take care of myself, It's you who I'm worried about." You narrowed your eyes about to make a snarky comeback when Polly brushed past both of you saying, "Oh, come on both of you, enough with the lovebirds, Gods watching for god sake." Tommy immediately let go of your chin and quickly followed Polly out of the church door. Leaving you standing there with a hint of red on your cheeks. You and Tommy grew up together in Birmingham. While all the other children were afraid of the Shelbys' because of there ties to gypsies you found it fascinating. Your parents had scolded you numerous times for running off to the caravans and having your fortune told.  And after the first couple times the Shelbys saw you around they welcomed you into the family with open arms. You were a girlfriend to Ada, a helper to Polly, a laugh for John and Arthur and for Tommy you were a partner. You both had been adventurous teenagers, constantly running about, sneaking out at night, and plotting together. But soon, as all things must end your safe haven in Birmingham did as well. You both had gone off to the war. Tommy was drafted as was your father. You soon realized you were doing nothing good just worrying in Birmingham so you volunteered as a nurse and away you went. The things you saw out on the battlefield were horrifying. Dragging half-dead men across the field trying to get them to safety.  Bowing your head in shame and sadness after another soldier didn't make it through the night. Gritting your teeth as you heard the screams of pain from the soldiers you were stitching up. You and Tommy both returned to Birmingham damaged physically and mentally but relived the other made it. You both acknowledged that the other would never be the same but for some reason, neither of you minded. As soon as you heard of Tommy's plan to start a business you started to help immediately. You quickly snapped out of your daydream to quickly follow Tommy and Polly out the door. As you left the church you were met with a rather aggressive blast of wind causing you to shiver.  Polly was grumbling something that sounded along the lines of, "I brought you both here to pray, bloody pray. And what do you do? Get into a bloody spat!" You and Tommy chuckled as you heard Polly mumbling to herself. "It not our fault, Pol. We never asked for God." Tommy said with a smirk on his face. You giggled at the sight of Polly's frustrated face. "I can't deal with you two pests. I'm going to the market to get something for dinner." And with a shake of her head, she left the two of you standing there on the front steps of the church. Tommy turned to you with a smile and a cigarette hanging from his lips. He offered you his arm and you gladly took it. And the two of you walked together in comfortable silence. Weeks went by and the inspector was getting more and more bothersome. Tommy had done his best at challenging him but he had other things to deal with, like Kimber. The two of you were sitting in the betting shops office deep in thought. "You best be careful Tom." You warned quietly. He nodded solemnly. "Kimbers a slimy man. You may be working for him today, but tomorrow you may be his new enemy." You continued on. Tommy and you had been plotting since this afternoon on how to make sure Kimber doesn't take advantage of the Peaky Blinders. You stood up from your sit grabbed the cigarette dangling from Tommy's lips and took a long drag. He looked up at you with his dolphin blue eyes, that now had a hint of fondness swimming in them. "Hows Grace?" You asked. Tommy immediately looked away from you. "She's uh, she's doing alright. " He looked up at you from his seat. "How are you doing?" "Are you both happy?" You said exhaling a cloud of smoke. "I am. We are. " He replied simply. You gave him a small smile. "Then I'm happy." You whispered. You ignored the cracking of your heart at his words.  Over the entirety of your life with Tommy, you had grown quite fond of the man.  You might go as far as saying you love him. There was something about him. He radiated power and violence but deep down you knew he would never hurt a thing if he had a choice.   "My God! When did it get so cold?" You yelled. Tommy chuckled at your outburst. You both had called it quits when the clock showed 1 A.M. "I'll walk you home." Tommy offered while placing an arm around your shoulders. You both walked silently through the ghostly Birmingham streets. You both heard the faint drunken yells of men happily celebrating another day. You looked to your left and saw a mesmerizing view of Birmingham's docks and factories. You stopped walking and just stared at the scene before you. The fire was blazing every couple minutes. Men yelling for more coal. The wisps of smoke waltzing in the air made you smile into the night. The water looked like glass reflecting the moon perfectly. Tommy offered you a cigarette which you gratefully took. The two of you stood there smoking and watching. Unbeknownst to you, Tommy was watching you. The way your silhouette sparkled in the moonlight was captivating. The way the smoke dripped from your mouth just added to your allure. An allure Tommy was having a hard time resisting. You sighed. "Beautiful isn't it?" Tommy pulled his eyes away from you to rest them on the bustling factories. "I don't know, I've seen a lot prettier." You chuckled looking down. "You would say that. But look its Birmingham's heart. Look at the way the furnaces blaze every couple minutes. It's her heart beating. Fighting to stay alive."   You both fell silent watching until you both grew too tired to stand upright and trundled on home. The next morning you made your way to the Garrison hoping to see Ada there so you could chat a bit. You took a seat at the bar to find Grace on duty as the bartender. "Morning Grace, you look lovely." You said with a cheerful smile. She looked at you like a marble statue, "What can I get you?" You were taken aback by her cold shoulder but you recovered quickly from her rather brisk response, "I'm fine right now, thanks. I'm just waiting to meet Ada." Grace gave you a stiff nod and continued to serve other customers. You didn't hate Grace but you didn't love her either. You constantly tried to spark a conversation or even a short chat with her but she would never cooperate. Sometimes she would have a snide remark about your clothing or she would adamantly disagree with you on something.  You didn't know why she was so rude. You had no idea where you went wrong. But for the sake of a Tommy, you tried to get on. "She hates me, Ada! And I don't know what to do about it!" You vented. "Why don't you do all of us a favor and remove the rod that's stuck up her a-" You coughed loudly as to alert Ada that you weren't the only ones present at the market. "I can't do that. Tommy and Grace are together. If I start something with her That would most likely stop me and Tommy's friendship" You explained. "Look (y/n), Grace doesn't like anyone its part of her charming personality. She'll get off her high horse soon." Ada responded while examining a melon. "Does this melon look a bit brown to you?" The Garrison was closing down the crowds of drunken men had stumbled home leaving the Shelbys, you, and Grace. John was the first  to go, he slurred something that resembled, "Hav tu go put em kids ta bedsh." Then Arthur stumbled on home and soon Polly and Ada followed suit leaving just you, Grace and Tommy. Not wanting to be a third wheel you began to head out. "Night Tom, Grace." You said with a smile as you pulled on your coat.   Tommy stood up, "I'll walk you home. It's late." You shook your head. "Really, its fine you two have fun." Tommy looked a bit worried leaving you alone to walk home. "No, I think I should, a lot of drunkards out tonight. Let me get my coat." You continued your protests until he left the room to fetch his jacket, leaving you alone with Grace. "I'm really sorry. I'll leave now so you guys can continue your evening." You offered with a smile. "I can see right through you." Were the first couple words Grace said to you. "Pardon?" You said in confusion. "I know you're trying to steal him from me. But guess what?" Grace stood up from her chair and crossed the room towards you. You took a step back afraid of what she was going to do. "Tommy would never like someone like you. Look at your clothes, your hair, your smile, your nothing but a damaged nurse from the war with no parents." Silenced pierced the room like a dagger. Your mouth hung open in shock. But soon the shock transformed into sadness. Tears filled your eyes and soon they overflowed and they trickled down your cheeks. "Why? I don't understand? Why are you so mean?" You struggled to form any kind of sentence. You heard Tommy re-enter the room only to stop when he saw the situation. "(y/n)?" Was the only word you heard from him before you turned and hurried out of the Garrison and through the ashy streets. You soon saw your familiar street name, thank god you were almost home! You ran up to your door and fumbled with your keys for a few seconds. Your hands were shaking from the adrenaline of running and the raw emotion coursing through your veins. You finally opened your door and slammed it shut. You slid down until you were sitting on the ground and your back was leaning against the door. Only then did you truly let the emotion inside of you free. You didn't know how long you were crying but eventually, you had no tears left in you. And that left you with nothing else but the words Grace had said to you. She was right. You were just a damaged nurse from the war with no parents. Why would Tommy want someone so damaged? Who were you to even like someone like Tommy? Someone so beautiful and smart. You would never deserve a man like him. You were a fool to even consider it. You jumped at the sound of banging coming from the door behind you. Slowly you stood up and unlocked the door but not the chain only allowing a few inches to look through. You weren't entirely surprised to find Thomas Shelby on your doorstep. He looked angry, disheveled, and tired, but mostly angry. You sighed. "I'm really tired right now Tommy, can we talk in the morning?" You asked you voice a bit horse form all the crying. "No, We are going to talk about what the fuck happened back there." He demanded with a voice that was as sharp as a broken piece of glass. "Nothing happened back there Tommy." You began to close the door when his hand slapped against it preventing you from moving it. His anger transformed into hope and he looked at you pleadingly, "Please, lets talk, I want to talk." You internally debated for a couple of seconds but soon you were unlatching the chain and standing aside to let him in.  You thought he would go through to the drawing room but when you turned around he was right in front of you. "How long?" He demanded quietly. You looked everywhere but him, "What do you mean?" It was a feebel attempt at buying yourself some time and it didn't work. "How fucking long has she been insulting you!?" He yelled. Making you jump a bit. You had seen Tommy yell many times but you were never in front of him only beside him. And you couldn't believe how scary he was. He seemed to realize he shocked you. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just, I'm angry. How long?" "Over a couple months now." You said looking at the floor. "What has she said to you?" He took a step closer to you. "Nothing that bad until tonight. She has never really liked me, always challenging me, sometimes insulting my outfit. But tonight..." You trailed off. "What about tonight (y/n)?" Tommy asked in a low voice, "She just really insulted me directly. Accused me of trying to steal you. Saying I was damaged." You finally looked at him. "Look, Tommy, It's fine I-" You were cut off by Tommy's loud voice. "No, (y/n) It's not fine. You are my best friend, you-you are everything, your funny, caring beautiful, and- you should have told me and I'm, I'm so sorry." The last couple words he said turned to a hoarse whisper.  This was the most emotion you had seen from Tommy in awhile. "I left her." Tommy stepped even closer to you, you weren't sure if it was even possible. He caressed your face rubbing away the traces of the tears you once had shed. "I never loved her." He whispered. "What?" "I took her because I thought I could never have you. I thought I would be able to play along and watch you meet someone and be happy with someone else but I was breaking day after day." He caressed your cheek and gently ghosted his fingertips over your lips. "I love you." You looked at him. "I love you," you whispered. He slowly moved even closer until your lips were mere centimeters apart. "May I?" He asked quietly. To answer him you slowly closed the gap between the two of you. It was lovely. The way his warm lips enveloped yours was mesmerizing. The both of you moved in perfect synch.  After a few minutes of pure bliss, the two of you reluctantly pulled apart and looked at each other not saying a word, both just so captivated by the others beauty.

[fabsgoesagain]

Still waiting for a win

Grüße miteinander.

Hat die Woche etwas länger gedauert. Ich war die letzten paar Tage etwas kränklich und habe meine Zeit mehrheitlich mit schlafen verbracht. Aber beginnen wir von vorne. Letzte Woche gab es einen Wetterumschwung. Anfang der Woche war es bitterkalt und es fiel Schnee. Einfach nur verrückt. Aber in der Heimat war es ja ähnlich. Die Woche bestand wie üblich aus viel Training. Wobei ich euch sagen kann, dass es wenig Spaß macht zwei Stunden lang Ecken bei minus 6 Grad zu trainieren. Am vergangenen Donnerstag habe ich mich dann leichter am Knöchel verletzt. Dementsprechend haben wir gemeinsam mit dem Physiotherapeuten alles versucht um mich für Samstag fit zu kriegen. Sicherheitshalber habe ich trotzdem auf der Bank Platz genommen. Das Spiel gegen Northern Michigan wurde bei bestem Wetter und Sonnenschein angepfiffen. Leider mussten wir uns 2:0 geschlagen geben. Den Rest des Tages haben wir als Team genutzt, um zu grillen und das Wetter zu genießen. Sonntags war ich dann mit Stan, meinem Mitbewohner, zwei Stunden spazieren. Abends habe ich aber schon gemerkt, dass ich nicht so fit bin. Das hat sich am Folgetag bestätigt. Die letzten Tage habe ich also eher viel geschlafen, da ich nicht wirklich auf der Höhe war. Heute habe ich meine COVID 19 Impfung bekommen. Morgen früh, um 1 Uhr morgens fahren wir über 12 Stunden nach Ohio zum Auswärtsspiel gegen die Ashland University. Die Reise wird die Hölle. Hoffentlich können wir trotzdem endlich Punkte mitnehmen. Ich werde auf Grund der verpassten Trainingswoche und den immer noch vorhandenen Problemen mit dem Knöchel aber wohl nochmal auf der Bank platznehmen.

https://uiupeacocks.com/news/2021/4/3/mens-soccer-peacocks-fall-in-final-home-match-of-spring-season.aspx

Grüße Fabian // 08. April 2021

Da habe ich doch glatt vergessen zu posten. Also wir haben das Auswärtsspiel in Ohio, gegen die Ashland University, hinter uns. Die Hinfahrt war ganz ok, da wir die ersten beiden Drittel der Fahrt geschlafen haben. Trotzdem ist es natürlich super anstrengend. Vor Ort haben wir dann erst ein leichtes Training absolviert. Danach habe ich mit ein paar von den Jungs im Whirlpool entspannt, bevor es zum Team Abendessen ging. Danach habe ich zum ersten Mal seit Wochen wieder in einem echten Bett geschlafen. Es ist schon verrückt, wie man sie über die kleinen Dinge des Lebens wieder richtig freut. Das kenne ich noch aus meiner Zeit in Australien. Das Spiel ging leider mit 2:1 in Overtime verloren. Nach regulärer Spielzeit stand es 1:1. Um einen Gewinner zu küren werden hier im Anschluss 2 Mal 10 Minuten Overtime im Golden Goal Modus gespielt. Wenn keine Mannschaft tritt, würde es als Unentschieden gewertet werden. Wir mussten uns nach einem direkten Freistoßtor leider geschlagen geben. Auf Grund meiner Krankheit und der Verletzung habe ich nur eine Halbzeit gespielt. Außerdem habe ich die Hinfahrt mit Fieber absolviert, nachdem ich am Freitag meine COVID-19 Impfung erhalten habe. Kommende Woche spielen wir im letzten regulären Spiel der Saison, vor den Play-offs gegen Saginaw Valley. Diese Mannschaft ist national gelistet. Es wird auf jeden Fall nicht leichter.

https://goashlandeagles.com/news/2021/4/10/mens-soccer-kimura-strikes-twice-scores-overtime-winner-to-beat-uiu.aspx

Liebe Grüße aus Iowa, Fabian // 11. April 2021

Greetings to each other.

Took a little longer this week. I was a bit sickly the last few days and spent most of my time sleeping. But let's start from the beginning. Last week there was a change in the weather. At the beginning of the week it was bitterly cold and snow fell. Just crazy. But it was similar back home. The week consisted of a lot of training, as usual. Whereby I can tell you that it is not much fun to train for two hours in corners at minus 6 degrees. Last Thursday I injured my ankle more easily. Accordingly, we tried everything together with the physiotherapist to get me fit for Saturday. Nevertheless, I took a seat on the bench to be on the safe side. The game against Northern Michigan started in perfect weather and sunshine. Unfortunately we had to admit defeat 2:0. We used the rest of the day as a team to barbecue and enjoy the weather. On Sunday I went for a walk with Stan, my roommate, for two hours. In the evening, however, I already noticed that I was not that fit. This was confirmed the next day. So the last days I slept rather a lot, because I was not really up to speed. Today I got my COVID 19 vaccination. Tomorrow morning, at 1am we are driving over 12 hours to Ohio for the away game against Ashland University. The trip is going to be hell. Hopefully we can still finally take home points. I will probably sit on the bench again due to the missed training week and the still existing problems with my ankle.

Greetings Fabian // 08. April 2021

I forgot to post this. So we have the away game in Ohio, against Ashland University, behind us. The trip there was ok, because we slept the first two thirds of the way. Still, it's super exhausting, of course. Once on site, we had a light workout first. After that, I relaxed in the hot tub with some of the guys before going to the team dinner. After that, I slept in a real bed for the first time in weeks. It's crazy how they get really excited about the little things in life again. I remember that from my time in Australia. Unfortunately, the game was lost 2-1 in overtime. After regular playing time, the score was 1-1. In order to pick a winner, 2 times 10 minutes of overtime are played here afterwards in golden goal mode. If no team scored, it would be considered a draw. Unfortunately, we had to admit defeat after a direct free kick goal. Due to my illness and injury, I only played one half. Also, I did the outward leg with a fever after getting my COVID-19 vaccination on Friday. Next week we play Saginaw Valley in the last regular season game before the playoffs. This team is nationally ranked. It definitely doesn't get any easier.

Love from Iowa, Fabian // April 11, 2021

[carrickbender]

Hi I'm Geoff, here's 7 because it's Sunday.....

-So this week was a serious mess. We fished on monday, delivered and got ice on Tuesday, did bait up on wednesday, fished thursday....... and that's when I got hurt. Lemme preface this- I'm ok. I'm not missing any essential body parts, and I will be fine. So lemme set the stage- we left at around midnight because my boss was (is) antsy about getting his fish caught before he has heart surgery next month. So he says yeah, we are going to go to (insert place name here) in the AM, I'll pick you up around midnight. Now, the other deckhand and I know how to read the weather map and use weather software, and we know it's going to be borderline miserable/f-ing awful weather in the am, getting worse in the afternoon. We are AK guys, and if we say it's gonna suck, it's not nice for anybody. So fine, get picked up, cast off, do a few chores, NAP, then we get up around 5 to get ready and he says, "I'm sorry guys, I messed up, looks like it's going to blow 35 tomorrow, so it's just today for these fish". We already knew this, and we have him a pep talk because he's such a nice guy, honest about pay, that I hate seeing him get down. Got our gear in the water, and it was getting nasty. Had a bite, relaxed a bit, got the deck ready for the ensuing malay, and started to haul our first set back. And it kept getting worse, but there was gear in the water. So we got it hauled, 1300lbs of beautiful white bellied halibut. So far, so good. As we were in building seas, my boss looks at us and says, "this really is not my style of fishing". 2 thoughts popped into my head- 1. I've fished with him for 6 years, and he always gets the weather wrong a lot. So of course it's his style; and 2. There's thst scene from the hangover 2 where there in the elevator and somebody says, "does everything always end up in a standoff with you Chow?", to which he replies, "of course it does! I'm an international criminal, I met my wife at one of these things!". If only my boss would have see that..... so my injury? Oh yeah, sorry. Remember that bit from wide world of sports, where the announcer says, "and the agony of defeat!", and the skier pretty much kills himself and half of China wiping out a ski jump? So my big ass is pretty stable on deck, but combine being in a 10 ft trough and the deck being slick from herring and other fish oil, and I fell. I tried catching myself, but it did the splits, banging my right knee on the rail and I felt two rips in my thigh muscle and a pop in my lower back. Scarry part? I couldn't get up. I manouvered myself onto the bin boards, sat on top of them, and then I realized I couldn't stand up, and all I could say, and I'm quoting here, was: FUCKSHITASSBALLSPISS, because that's is what you say when you hurt, right? I hobbled like an old man into the cabin, got my raingear off, but I was done for the day(and unbenownst to me, the season). I could barely move. I propped myself up, and thank God my other deck mate is a rock star because I was done. I could barely walk, let alone anything else. They finished hauling gear a bit later, and my boss told me it was some of the worst crap he'd ever fished, but they got it done. And he felt horrible about me pretty much being cut down on deck. We hobbled back to towne, and it was so crappy we couldn't do more than 4 knots because we were pounding into the waves so hard. Got in at 2, and the next day I went to see a doctor. No breaks, but SEVERE sprains, and he put the kibosh on fishing for 2 weeks. Which, I understand. It's sunday, and I can't even bend over to pull up my pants effectively without being in pain. It's going to take time...... - I'm headed back to Washington on Wednesday to get started on getting my summer in order. But most importantly, family stuff. Mom is still ill, but after 2 cancer scares, that has been ruled out. Dad had his heart restarted in a pharmacologically way the other day to try and fix a rhythm issue, and it failed. This was time number 3, so being a retired medical person, he makes a joke about it. "Probably need a new wiring harness, check the points, and make sure the battery terminals are making good contact". My dad, turning cardiology into working on his El Camino. So, I think I need to stick around close this summer. Mom's will be good once she gets the damn puss pocket out(plus she's headed to Canada for the summer), but dad doesn't get this idea of taking it easy. So, one of his offspring has to help where my stepmom cant. - music- I have so much going on here. Too much. All over washington state. That being said, I hate dealing with managers and promoters who are only out for themselves. Why can't the business be kinder to musicians? Oh, and speaking of being kind to one another, how many of this tribe of followers are musicians who have a band shirt? Because I'd love to trade! I'm having some made up when I get back, and would love to swap one of ours for yours! @voxtacular, wanna be the first? - Speaking of music, Chris Cornell......I Honestly dont know what to say. I feel fortunate that I grew up in the northwest where the music known as grunge was "born"(more like sprang forth, like Athena from Zeus). Mind you, I grew up in Spokane, Seattle's developmentally delayed and much more socially conservative sister across the state, so we didn't have many places like the sit and spin, the ok hotel, the crocodile cafe to see soundgarden or mother love bone on any given weekend. But there was one place , the big dipper, that welcomed everybody. My introduction to the big dipper was as a 16 year old kid, whose 17 year old lead singer booked our group, the midnight poets, to a Sunday night gig supporting a group called seeking the elephant. They had this "green room" where all of the musicians hung out before they played, and it was expected that the musicians would sign their names on the walls. Fugazi, mother love bone, and a little seattle band called soundgarden were amongst the ones I remember. My band didn't last, but what did last is the memory of those bands playing a serious dive like the big dipper. Paying dues. As the "seattle sound" got bigger, I got to see Nirvana, Candlebox, Stone Temple pilots, Alice in Chains, The Melvins, Pearl Jam....but I never got to see soundgarden. I put fishing before a life, and I made a poor choice. Because while you can buy stuff, you cannot buy moments. And the number of moments in my life that are attached to either a audioslave, a soundgarden, or a Chris Cornell song are staggering. For A folkie, yeah. So stay tuned for a cover tomorrow. :-) -Speaking of summer, I've been talking to my non blood cousin who is like a little sister and we are planning a meet and greet in Montana this summer with her man and babies (!), her not brother brother (my actual cousin) and his small tribe, and my people. I'm so excited to even start to pull this off. Huckleberries, I'll bring salmon, music, their kids, family.....fingers crossed, I need this. -So because I'm going to be in the close proximity of both of my parents, I'm probs going to wait on a tug job till November to really give it a go. I'm going to do my first bit of necessary school right when I get back, then do flagger training so I can work till everything gets resolved with folks/music stuff gets done, and hopefully, I can come back up for 3 weeks in August to go pink salmon fishing here. Fingers crossed, this summer could be really amaxing..... -But enough of my crap! Seriously, I just want y'all to know that you guys are really great. I love reading about your lives, your triumphs over adversity (because you all are pretty tough and amazing people), your funny stuff, amazing playlists.....and sometimes I go a bit crazy with the hearts, and I'll admit it. But my theory is this- I'd rather you know that somebody appreciates you for who you are, where you are, instead of feeling alone. I've listened to my mom tell me how alone she is for the last month, and I just want y'all to know you are appreciated like bacon and tacos..... and that includes you too @tacosandsweettea (ps-that made her laugh. Hope it did you too!) Take care, and stay tuned!

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty Two

I am beyond exhausted. 

After finishing my break-up blog when I got home from Game Night at C’s, I stayed up till close to 2am before I finally dozed off. I woke up this morning at 8am, lazed about, ate breakfast and finally took a shower closer to 10am. Then I met C and AS at 10:30 so we could take AS grocery shopping and to buy a few things like a new coffee maker. 

What I anticipated would be a maximum 4 hours of running errands and having lunch turned into 7 hours, which is why I was so tired. There I go again with my stupid expectations - they always let me down. At least AS got some things she likes and needed as well as both C and I. It was mostly an excuse for me to spend some of my money that I got from my recent bonus, most of it happening at IKEA, but it was fun spending money and not caring too much. Plus I got some yummy baked treats at Tous Les Jours, which always puts a big smile on my face. Plus I had fun with C and AS, they’re a laugh riot.  I’ll be good tomorrow and hopefully only withdraw my rent money and only spend money on eggs and maybe a pedicure. I’m growing eagle’s talons on my toes, so it’s definitely time for a nail trimming and some foot scrubbing. 

I honestly don’t feel like I have the energy to exercise after this, that’s how tired I am. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up with my exercise schedule and write my break-blog entries every evening after all the things I do in the mornings and afternoons, even on my days off. This is probably part of the reason why I don’t always hang out with people. It’s not that I don’t enjoy social interactions and activities with my family, friends or colleagues. I just have a tiny social battery life that lasts for up to 2 hours at a time. On a good day - maybe 4-6 hours. I’m definitely OCD when it comes to controlling my schedule so I have enough time to do all the things I want and need to do in a single day. 

Meh. 

Worst-case scenario: I do the exercises I can manage and skip the ones I can’t or simply don’t want to do. It’s only a workout programme on a phone app, not a serious committment like a marriage proposal. I might go into work for a bit on Sunday to start marking some of the written assessments that are complete. I’m not going to stress that much over it since the grades my students get at school is mostly fiction anyway. 

C told me earlier that the supervisor for all the foreign teachers at school, ML, was the one who told her that our new vice-principal didn’t want to renew C’s work contract for next year. Seeing as the man started working at our school only a week ago, I find it hard to believe that he has such a strong opinion already about high or low turnovers of teachers coming to and leaving our school. Which makes me think that it’s really MH who cares about the turnover issue and actually just wants C out. Never mind the fact that MH is planning on leaving our school next year too - what does it matter apparently if she takes a few more teachers out the door with her, right? 

I’m really starting to dislike shady people in general. Honesty, how hard is it to admit that you have a shady agenda? You might as well come clean and save yourself the trouble of getting found out later by a couple of metaphorical teenagers playing detective and their meddling dog. Hopefully I get to stick it to my school when they find out I’m leaving as well. That means H will have to train two new teachers in the Elementary department come next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not leaving school because of how C’s been treated. I’m grown enough to know that’s between her and our employers and has got jack shit to do with me and my teaching abilities. It’s just time for me to go, especially when I already feel like nothing I do at my job actually matters. 

Still, there are silver linings to everything. I prayed to God this morning and got emotional in a good way thinking about all the wonderful students who have come into my life in the last 5 years while I pursued a career in ESL Education. Sure, the path has had its ups and downs, but what a wonderful and fulfilling path it’s been so far. I can’t wait to look back on this chapter in my life 20 years from now and see how far I’ve come. I hope I’m lucky enough to meet a few of my old students in the future and see what they’ve accomplished. Since most of my students have been Asian so far, I firmly believe that they’ll accomplish a lot in their lives. I don’t want to ever forget what my teachers have taught me over time and what I’ve learnt while being a teacher. I chose this path 7 years ago after I broke up with KA and I’ve managed to see so much more of the world along the way. It’s been hard and challenging, but there’s nothing I would change about the journey that got me here. 

While in one of the department stores with C and AS, I saw a display of backpacks that I previously bought in the last year: a black one for X’s birthday a few months ago and a grey one for me not long after that. I ended up giving my backpack to X while we were in Manila and she was stressing about how to take all of her gifts for her family and her clothes back home in her tiny suitcase. At the time, it was a wrench to give up the backpack, but not so serious that I couldn’t buy another duplicate for myself here in China. Now I’m thinking about whether I still want to get another grey one or get a different colour altogether. I don’t want too reminders of X hampering my future progress, but it also seems to dwell too much on semantics. Certain, useless memories will fade over time; hopefully when that happens, I’ll still get to keep the good memories of X that won’t be too bittersweet for me. It took some time for me to view my memories with KA and even CH, my first boyfriend, as good moments. But I got there eventually. Despite some of the tough moments that happened after the break-up with both of them, I hope that KA and CH don’t hold it against me and that they’ve moved on completely for the better. 

As far as X is concerned, I could give two flying fucks and a left nut-sack what she thinks of me. I’m already winning the break-up just from not lying to her about money or lying about having a terminal illness. Who knew those things would actually be relationship deal-breakers? I guess it’s because it’s only been a month since the break-up and the hurt and resentment is still fresh. I hope it gets over time not to treat every good memory of X with patronising disdain. 

It sucks that my mind inadvertently travels to more intimate moments with X, like her soft, unrushed kisses and the way she would rub my back when I’d wake up in the middle of the night after having a violent coughing fit. I hate that she was so tender in those moments and so rough and unkind with my feelings in the months before our break-up. Did she really hate me that much or did she just not have enough human decency in her to set me and herself free to move on and be happier by ourselves? 

I wish I knew. I also wish I could confront her and actually get the fucking truth out of her. But that’s just my wishful thinking talking again. The reality is that I’ll never know the truth, even if X deigns to feed more useless crap.

The more I type, the less tired I start to feel. So I think I’ll end off here, get dressed into my workout clothes and exercise for a bit. Then I’ll enjoy my cream doughnut and garlic bread from Tous Les Jours while vegging the night away. 

I hope I can just sleep and then sleep some more, till that peaceful feeling of nothingness takes over my brain. I need to slow down and start resting more. So maybe when my latest workout programme is done, I might also take a break from writing my break-up blog entries. 

Life sometimes happens when you’re out there actually living it. It might soon be time for me to take my fingers off of the keyboard, go out of my apartment and start living and maybe even loving again.