#i am in duress

[heartlcssboy]

❛ is this what you think love is? ❜

Peter's jaw tightened and the forest fell silent the moment that the question had been posed. Even the wind did not dare draw Peter's attention as a vehement rage overcame him. He looked through her instead of at her as the upset built. Had he asked too much of her? Of everyone he'd ever cared for? They were always clawing at him for more. When he had already given them EVERYTHING; more than they were willing to give him in return! More by leagues! They wanted to tell him all the ways he was deficient, but he wasn't the one incapable of feeling. They were; Wendy and Jamie both!

He was so sick of that word being thrown at him like an excuse. That horrible, horrible, meaningless word! Because, for them, that's exactly what it was! Meaningless! A false promise. Another thing corrupted by the influence of the Other Place. That's what it did. The Other Place took things and hollowed them out, turning them into a mockery of what they once were. Just look at their cities, nature gutted by industry for the sake of convenience. But nothing about Pan was made to be convenient no matter how badly others wanted to change that.

"And what do you think it is?" He demanded, too far incensed to worry about scaring her as he pressed in closer. Each word a step nearer. "No, really. Tell me, Wendy! I mean it! I want an answer! What is it! What's love?!" His volume of his voice continued to build as he went on until finally it reached its crescendo with: "Tell me!"

Peter could feel tendrils of his shadow pulsating at the edges of his psyche, pleading with him, soundless but clear inside his head. He could feel its panic, but it was overtaken by Peter's anger. It begged for him to cease his onslaught before he ruined everything. But Peter wouldn't stop. He couldn't. He wasn't finished! His body was shaking from the volatile medley of emotion wracking through it. Wendy had asked him a question and he never denied her anything. Now did he?

Peter had crowded her until her back was pressed against the trunk of a large tree. His voice was a growl now, words coming out in a hiss, "Because everyone is always trying to tell me what I can and can't feel or what I'm doing wrong as if they have any idea about what I'm capable of! I keep being told I'm the broken one when it's everyone else pretending. Everyone lies and acts like they know what love is, but then they run away as soon as it becomes too real. Because no one actually knows what they want! And they get scared because it's all too much! Because you don't want to feel things, not real things!"

Peter howled in frustration and his fist collided with the rough bark of the tree Wendy was trapped against, missing her head by inches and splitting open the skin of his knuckles. Crimson leaked from his hand as he pulled it back, stepping away and turning from Wendy. He shook his hand so that droplets of blood splattered across the forest's floor. It was pointless. No amount of blood would heal this wound. It'd been open and raw for long enough that he knew that with certainty.

When he turned back to face her, all of his anger had dissipated. That righteous rage had been all that had been holding him together and now even speaking was an exhaustive and painful effort. All he wanted to do was run to Wendy and cling to her frame for comfort, but he maintained their distance.

"I think I'm the only one in the whole world who knows what it really is to love someone...and no one else is alive enough to feel it." His voice was hardly a rasp, choked with the effort it took to speak the admission aloud, but otherwise calm. He hated to say it. To confront it. Because he meant it and it meant he'd always be left wanting. Forever.

And that absolutely terrified him.

[askinkiskarma]

WHAT THE FUCK BESTIES YOU BETTER CHOOSE THE LAST OPTION OR I WILL CRY AND THROW A HISSY FIT!!!! I NEED TO SEE IT SO BADLY wdymmmm baby???? I NEED TO BE THE BABY WHILE DADDY JAKE TEASES ME WDYMMMM

gonna try to get at least one of my drafts posted tomorrow, trying to take my mind off a few things :)

*they will all be published eventually! just a matter of which one’s posted first !!

[novelconcepts]

The more the show progresses, the more I want to see the 90s cast infiltrating the modern timeline. We've gotten hints of it with Shauna and her younger self, her Jackie hauntings. We've gotten a little more with adult Lottie seeing teenage Nat (and Laura Lee), and with Natalie getting teenage Lottie in her final moments. I want more. I want the teen cast to be absolutely invasive on pivotal adult moments, infecting their adult counterparts when least expected. I want Taissa's argument with Van to dissolve into their teenage selves, their bond endless and timeless and inescapable. I want Misty absolutely wrecked by young Natalie lurking around corners, watching from mirrors. I want to see these women unable to navigate adulthood without the specters of their teenage selves cropping up absolutely everywhere, more and more as they let the memories in, as they stop being able to repress the trauma. They didn't grow up. They never could. You are always doomed to regress around your high school teammates. You are haunted by the phantom elements of your misspent youth. It is a comfort, and it is a gift, and it is a trial, and it is a curse. I would love to see that reflected with greater intensity, until the lines blur, until the timelines have no choice but to intersect. They haven't escaped themselves at all. They didn't grow up. They just got older.

[asurrogateblog]

I keep seeing photos of people going to paul's tour dressed as john and listen, I get it, but I just feel like when you buy tickets to a concert its kind of an unwritten rule of conduct that you should try not to psychologically torture the performer as he stares out into the crowd with visions of the ghost of his dead lover. just sayin

[texaschainsawmascara]

Caleb Landry Jones & Arielle Holmes, Heaven Knows What (2014) dir. Benny & Josh Safdie

[koolaidashley]

@bettertwin9000 is the cutest and funniest and most awesome kindest person I’ve ever spoken to in my whole life and they gonna have the best bday party known to man ! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🩷✨

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Podium - Fernando Alonso

[lgbtlunaverse]

I'm chewing on this and my thoughts aren't fully formulated yet but i have been having Thinking about and jgy and his definitions of harm and his moral framework and generally he seems to very much come down on the side of consequentialism- what with him considering himself as having "murdered" qin su when her death was unambiguously a suicide. But she killed herself because of things he did, so even if he never wanted her to die or took actions toward that, he considers himself as having killed her.

And yet every single time he is confronted about his actions, he is incredibly quick to emphasize that he had no choice, he didn't really want to, there was just no other way out. It's a complete 180 from the motive not mattering at all to it mattering a LOT.

And that has led me to me believe that when he's talking about his lack of choices he's- the uncharitable might call it lying for sympathy, but that's not it, jin guangyao does sincerely believe he had no other choice (except, as nmj so nicely put it, sacrificing himself) but he's also not defending himself with full sincerity. It's more that his motive doesn't really matter much to him as a matter of morality, but he knows it matters to other people. He is not genuinely defending himself and arguing he doesn't deserve blame, he is arguing he shouldn't be punished. There seems to be a very strict barrier in his mind between accountability in the moral sense (what does he hold blame for) and in accountability in the practical sense (What punishment should he get.)

Which makes perfect sense for a guy who is well aware that the justice system will never actually be just for him. That any punishment levied toards him within the legal and politcal system he lives in will primarily be because of who he is and who his mother was and not because of what he actually did. Yes he thinks what he did was wrong yes he thinks that is morally repugnant no he shouldn't get punished for it.

And well. I don't agree that people should just get away with mass murder because the judicial system sucks but... is he wrong? I mean, what did him in at the end? Payment for his actual crimes? No. It was a lie that was believed just because he was the one being accused.

[screamting]

I do genuinely feel like one drawback of specifically modern superhero comics is that sometimes you read a run and it's like... you know when game of thrones was on and they were like "yeah if we need characters to talk but don't have anything for them to do we just have them talk during a sex scene" ?

Sometimes it feels like superhero comics are that with fighting.

Didn't know what to have happening on screen. Gonna just have this conversation with our *fists.*

[clotpolesonly]

long fluttering eyelashes are the sexiest feature a man can possess so jot that down

[cin3maa]

@mr-urple is the best brother ever and i love him so much and he isnt making me write this at all because im totally not indebted to him forever and ive already given my soul so go and tell him how amazing and awesome he is because hes just that great

[raspberryjellybrains]

image I.D. below the cut

image description start:

[a promotional picture of Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam on the left and Dean on the right, their images from circa 2010. They both stare challengingly into the camera with their arms crossed, though Dean also holds a large blade. The background is a two lane blacktop with an older style of power line and corn on either side. At the top and bottom are flames. Sam says "im restricting", Dean says "and im bingeing" and the flaming text gif at the bottom reads "the eating disorder brothers.]

image description end.

[balkanradfem]

In consensual sex they don't say no and seem fairly comfortable anything else is feminazi obfuscation that nobody else cares about

their failure to present sexual boundaries should have been their parent's job but now it's theirs they're a big independent woman now i'm sure they can handle it

I was gonna delete this on sight but 'its their parents job' has me crying laughing, you really pushed it all the way to 'if I rape her its her mothers fault'

rapists mantra everyone, don't feel uncomfortable blaming your rapist and calling it rape, because he feels comfortable pushing blame all the way to your parents, because there's always responsibility on everyone else to stop the rapist, but rapist himself is innocent little baby who just didn't understand someone's sexual boundaries. Going off of this logic he can rape any woman abused in childhood and its her abusive parents fault and he's blameless because how would he not rape someone who struggles to say no. Her experience and perspective don't even matter in this. She isn't even a person to him.

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Obligatory disclaimer: I am not that familiar with VtM 20th anniversary edition mechanics or the lore so like take some of this with a grain of salt (or several).

TDLR: Nara exploits Neil and his abilities by taking away his ability to consent by getting him high during their time in Baghdad. 

There is the obvious moral quandary of “one guy getting high is worth saving the world,” which may be true. That is not what I am here to discuss. I am much more interested in looking at Neil and Nara’s dynamic during this time and what it says about them. 

It is obvious that Neil cares for Nara; he loves her. It’s stated that he would trust her with his life, and he calls her beloved nearly every chance he gets. I do think Nara does care for Neil in some ways; I just don’t think her feelings outweigh his usefulness to her. She has many reasons to keep Neil close to her, and her care for him is just one. 

Time is running out for Nara and the Assamites; the Herald is rising, and she knows this. She also knows Neil is capable of having visions. These two facts culminate in her using Neil to get what she wants regardless of his own thoughts or feelings. In addition, I would argue that Nara is familiar with Neil on kalif, that she would know how it affects and impairs him given their relationship and proximity to one another, particularly earlier in Neil’s life. I don’t think it’s a stretch to believe she would know any potential dependencies or addictions Neil would have to the substance. 

I posit that kalif does not affect all Kindred the same, and that it has different potencies (smoking vs. ingesting kalif tainted blood) based on how Jubair and Neil both react to smoking in Neil’s solo episode. However, I do recognize that Neil has been on a steady diet of kalif (and who knows what else) for a few weeks at the time of his meeting with Jubair, and it is safe to assume he is not sober when he accepts the joint from Nara as he mentions having trouble focusing earlier in the episode.

Over the course of their conversation, we see Jubair take “a heavy hit” (PoN 1.5-Neil Foster 11:39) off of Neil’s joint, but he does not seem to have any immediate effects. He remains cognizant and able to carry on the conversation with Neil, and he is quick to respond to the attack. Whereas Neil is unable to follow the conversation and repeatedly looks to Nara for guidance since he is unable to make his own determination despite only having accepted the joint moments before Jubair is introduced. 

I also posit that kalif has addictive qualities about it. Whether this is true or not, I honestly don’t know, but there is evidence in PoN indicative that it may be addictive. When Nara offers Neil the joint, the comment is made, “If she gives it to me, I take it. It’s hard to say no” (PoN 1.5-Neil Foster 8:10). Later on, in episode 25, the coterie is hit with a kalif bomb, and Neil is described as an addict (PoN s2ep25 16:15). Though, this could have been a way to explain Neil’s mechanical failure. 

(As a note, I haven’t been able to find much online about kalif and whether or not it is addictive. The source I have read, provided by @peppedstep, compared it to weed and described it as a strong hallucinogen that is used for ritualistic magical purposes (Rites of Blood, pg,72).) 

Whether or not kalif is addictive, Nara knowingly and willingly gave Neil a substance that impairs his cognitive function and lowers his defenses to serve her own ends, and did so to “a dangerous degree” (17:40). I would also argue she would be familiar with the impact kalif and the visions may have on his mental health (panic attacks, dissociation, anxiety, etc.), and she chooses to proceed with offering the drug to him anyway without heed for his wellbeing. In this situation, Neil is incapable of giving informed consent (regarding the conversation, regarding the additional kalif, regarding his next attempt at a vision on her behalf) because he is already dangerously high or because he is addicted, or, realistically, both.  

Nara also preys on Neil’s people-pleasing tendencies and self-esteem issue, intentional or not, by commenting that his visions (and therefore, him) have not been as helpful or useful as she hoped spurring him to try for another vision and ingest more kalif. However, she is supposed to know Neil well, and that would include his inclination to people-please. He loves her deeply and wants to help her; he would not tell her no in this situation, and I believe she knows this.

I talked at length here about how I view Neil’s memory loss, which I won’t rehash, but it is worth noting much of his time with Nara during this stretch is quite hazy or he flat out doesn’t remember. The only other person who can vouch for most of this time is Nara, and she has more than enough reason to deceive, omit, or keep the truth from Neil. He has no way to tell if Nara is further exploiting or manipulating him beyond using him for his visions. If she is willing to take his ability to consent away in one circumstance, I would argue there is not much keeping her from taking it away in any other. It’s clear she does not take his needs or wellbeing into consideration with her choices.

This episode is the only interaction we see between Nara and Neil, excluding Neil’s visions. If these interactions are indicative of the baseline of their relationship, how much does she really care about Neil if she is willing to sacrifice his mental health, overall wellbeing, and ability to consent if she benefits from taking those things away? Is this same dynamic present in their intimacy? If Neil is constantly relying on her judgment because he is high and/or unable to remember, when does he have the opportunity to make his own decisions about what happens to him? What will happen when enabling his addiction is no longer beneficial for her? 

In conclusion, I think Nara is using Neil for his abilities and is exploiting him by taking away his ability to consent to what is done to him. Given this is the only canon interaction we have between the two, I wonder about the dynamic in their relationship as a whole and if it is a healthy one for Neil. It also makes me wonder in what other ways she has exploited Neil since she seems to have little regard for his needs or wellbeing.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

the girls were very anxious about something outside so i checked my porch and spooked the world's smallest tortie down the stairs. one molecule of tortie. just barely not a kitten. probably not the one pissing on my front door all the time.

i Do Not Want to be a TNR colony manager bc i don't believe that TNR actually works, and i do not think a quick and humane death is the worst thing that can happen to a cat (eg phil's very scary injury) but i Do want these creatures spayed and neutered. so here we go i guess

[janeway-lover]

hey you know how sometimes your parents have a dumb rule and you KNOW it's a dumb rule but it still kinda leaves you fucked up?

yeah that sucks ass and i really hate it right now