#i am in a podcast and we left a toxic station

[simple-sheep]

I actually kept my 2022 resolution: minding my own business and leaving the garbage in the past (aka, not engaging with any media by people that were not good for my mental health and moving on).

And I did it! Might just do it again cause damn did my life get soooo much better without that toxic bullshit.

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

Imagine:

Reader/ OC trying to keep her orgasms on the inside because she doesn’t like how she sounds.

This is going to be pretty long and detailed. Figured I could add this bit into an idea I had. I wanted to write it out just like this 😩.First time using an OC. Enjoy lovelies xoxoxo

Hello, it’s your girl Ebony here and you’re listening to The Love Zone. We already have a caller number one on the line...

“Hello?” Élise timidly spoke into the phone while seated in her dimly lit living room. There was a 100% chance of showers that evening and rainy nights were the perfect nights for her. Alone in a home she inherited from her grandmother in Marigny, New Orleans, Élise decided to call The Love Zone on WQUE-FM, New Orleans mainstream urban radio station. Ebony Starr was a famous Sexologist and radio personality from Bywater, New Orleans. She inspired Élise to start her own podcast that she titled Finally Exhaled which discusses overcoming past toxic relationships and starting new ones.

“Caller number one?” Ebony said into the microphone. Her voice echoed since Élise could hear it twice.

“Yes,” she licked some cocoa butter from her lips, “I’m caller number one.”

“Alright, love, do you have a question for me?”

“I’m a huge fan,” she nervously laughs, “Just...I didn’t expect you...to answer my call.”

“You’re so sweet, honey, thank you,” Ebony made Élise smile, “what’s your name?”

“Yolanda,” that was her mother’s name.

“Yolanda, Pretty name. I know a lot of Yolanda’s.”

“Yeah,” she toyed with her long dreaded hair.

“Why are you up so late, Yolanda? No work for tomorrow?”

It was 11:00 pm. She worked as a waitress in a bar and grill but that was just to keep busy. She was an only grandchild left with her grandmothers money. Her Father didn’t like the fact that she got everything. Typical. He wasn’t around so why did it matter to him?

“Work tomorrow evening,” she pondered for a moment, “Now I remember my question.”

Ebony laughs, “go ahead, what’s your question?”

Wiggling her toes at the fireplace she opens her mouth to speak, “How do I overcome being embarrassed by the way I sound when I orgasm and moan? I’m nervous to even ask this question but it’s been bothering me and I just...I don’t like it.”

“Hmm,” Ebony’s smooth hum reassured her, “Why don’t you like the way you sound, Yolanda?”

“It’s-its because I was told it was ugly mainly. My last boyfriend-shitty boyfriend by the way, told me I sounded like a dying animal,” Élise chuckles, “I want to move past that and embrace the way I sound whenever the moment happens for me again but...”

“You’re afraid the next man will find it just as ugly and look at you weird?”

“Yes, ugh,” Élise closes her eyes, “What the hell should I do?”

“Honestly? Embrace it. That sound is a beautiful sound, Yolanda. One of the sounds of love making. When it’s real and sudden like that it makes you stutter out incoherent words and sounds but only a real man, an experienced appreciative man, would love to hear those noises. How old were you when he told you this?”

“I was 20 years old. That was when we first started dating. A start to a long toxic relationship.” She didn’t mean to vent like that but she couldn’t help it. Her ex, Sean, was such an emotional abuser. He shot her down every chance he got to make her feel ugly. That was for four whole years. She was 25 now and wanted to heal from that.

“Oh, that explains it,” Ebony made a noise of disapproval, “See, boys don’t know a thing, honey. I’m happy you’re not in that toxic relationship anymore and there is a man out there that will love every screaming orgasm you have. Especially if he’s the cause.”

“I know you’re right but gosh,” what man anyway? The closest she’s ever come to a man since then was working at that bar and they all were too pushy and drunks. She was loosing all hope honestly.

“Yolanda, when was the last time you had sex?”

“Over a year ago.”

“You’re craving sex heavy, sweetie. You want to give yourself to someone badly and a year can do that. I don’t think it was only the way you sound it’s a trust thing as well. Sean betrayed your trust.

Bingo.

“I’m better now. I can trust but I just don’t know where to start.”

“There is no rush. Let it come to you, honey. Once it does...accept it. Feel it. If you can listen to yourself moan and shout when you orgasm alone then you can definitely do it in front of a man again. I bet you sound angelic.”

Élise blushes.

“I actually heard that smile through the phone, Ebony laughs, “Sweety, let that moan out, snatch a man’s soul, and feed that craving.”

Élise laughs pleasantly, “I really needed this thank you so much, Miss Starr.”

“Please, If you need to talk you could always come to my meet and greets and workshops in The French Quarter.”

“I’d like that,” Élise smiles wide with her high cheek bones, “thanks again, Ebony.”

“Thank you, Yolanda. Enjoy the rest of your evening, love.”

The line disconnected. Élise places her phone on the carpeted floor and thought about their conversation. She was pining for sex. She wanted her year back. A year of no dick or lips on her pussy. Sex toys over used and calling her name as we speak.

Let’s take it slow with some Beyoncé- Dangerously in Love 2...

Baby I love you/You are my life/My happiest moments weren’t complete if you weren’t by my side/You’re my relation/In connection to the sun/With you next to me/There’s no darkness I can’t overcome/You are my raindrops/ I am your seed...

The rain was coming down in sheets, banging against Élise’s rough top like bullets. There was no lightning or thunder. She was glad that she got the lighting in her grandmothers home fixed because if she didn’t the power would be out and Élise did not want to go into that cobwebbed basement to find candles. Last time she went down there she saw a possum. Élise has on nothing but a retro Voodoo Fishing T-shirt while seated in front of the fireplace. She finally stands, the heat of the flames warming her butt before she walked back to the couch where her crinkled copy of Roar of Thunder, Hear My Cry rested on top of a quilt.

She couldn’t sleep and Beyoncé had her singing with her eyes closed. Grabbing her Walt Disney World coffee mug that had lukewarm herbal tea in it, Élise snuggled into the couch while facing a small window just above the heater in her living room.

I hope everyone is being safe on this stormy Friday night. We have another caller on the line, caller number two?

Élise tunes in.

“I’m still unfaithful to my husband. I can’t shake the need to be with the other man. Just tonight I came home after frantic car sex in an open lot. I want to tell him...I want to tell him I’m happy with the other man.”

“Wow,” Élise loves this juicy talk. She could faintly hear Rihanna-Unfaithful play in the background which causes her to giggle. Ebony was hilarious.

Whew, honey, juggling two men?

“SHIT!”

Élise’s head shot up from the couch. The angry shout came from outside. Maybe someone was locked out the house, she thought. Élise covered herself with the quilt further to listen to more of The Love Zone.

You are killing this man. Just tell him the truth. I can hear the pain in your voice. If you want to end this the right way stop stringing him along and communicate...

Thump

A rather loud kick could be heard from outside. Now, her interest was peaked. Élise tosses the quilt back , tiptoeing to the window with her mug still in hand. She could see a little better only because the house had a porch. But it was still foggy. A man was outside with his hazards flashing. He had to have been out there for a minute with how drenched he was messing under the hood of his car. No lightning or thunder. Just the rain, but the rain was more than enough to make the situation extremely uncomfortable.

Élise couldn’t see him that clearly as he hopped in and out of his car every minute or so, probably trying to warm up before trying something else to get his car moving again. Thanks to the street lamp about twenty feet from where he parked she could make out the type of car. A Ford Mustang 2006. It was parked beside a neighbor of hers that she didn’t like at all. His name was Kevin and he was a white supremacist. Nothing new in the South. No family but she could have sworn she heard screams from his house...

“Fuck!” The man shouts again. Élise felt kind of guilty. She had no idea why. She was sure most of her neighbors saw him stranded out there as well. As quiet as her neighborhood is, something out of the ordinary rarely goes unnoticed. However, the fact that the man was still out there struggling on one of the worst nights, weather-wise, of the year didn’t sit right with her. What harm would it be to offer to let him into her home so he could properly make a call for a Tow service or have a nice cup of tea and a hot meal? Loan a flashlight, or let him warm up by the fireplace for a moment?

Élise stares down at what she was wearing again. That retro Voodoo Fishing T-shirt. Élise went to the closet to grab her red longline puffer coat and black Hunter rain boots. She grabs a flashlight from the closet shelf, trying it out to see if it worked. A couple slaps with it to the palm of her hand made the old thing ignite and she was headed for the door. Élise swung the front door open like a women on a mission. She stomps across her front porch and right down the steps, pulling the back of her coat up over her head to keep from getting her dreads wet.

“Excuse me!” She yelled out from the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street from where the man was parked. He looked in her direction, and she could finally make out his soaked face. She was not disappointed.

“Wassup?!” He responded loudly, “This rain is a bitch!”

“Yeah, it is! Do you need some help?! It’s pretty cold out too my place is warm!”

He kept a steady gaze on her from under his hood. He had this look on his face as if that were a bad idea. Now, Élise was regretting it.

“Are you waiting for someone?!” She started up the conversation again. Her legs were so wet now.

“Nah!” He shook his head and from what Élise could make out she saw short dreads fall over his forehead, “Listen, it’s bad out here, sweetheart why don’t you go back inside, huh?!”

“You sure?!” She pointed her flashlight to the house, “My offer still stands if you change your mind!”

“Thanks, I appreciate it, ma!”

Even though it was dark she could see his smile. Damn, he was good-looking. All that out here melting in the rain. Élise turned to run back to the porch only to fall right on the concrete. She felt both her knees hit the ground. She wailed in pain. Her hands planted to the ground and she tried lifting up but her rain boots slipped right from under her. She could feel hot tears prick her eyes.

“SHIT!!! Hey, Ma!” He called out. Élise could hear heavy feet splashing in the flooded streets and then a pair of wet hands grabbing her waist and lifting her all the way up into bridal style. She squinted her eyes up at the nice-looking man with the fucked up car. He started walking back to her porch. He sat her down on an old chained swing chair before removing his black hoodie and tossing it on the swing chair with her. It was probably uncomfortable walking around with heavily soaked fabric. One thing was for sure: he was built. He had on a charcoal gray tee that was hugging his body something fierce. Élise could make out his physique thanks to him being up close and personal now. Then there was those dreads. They fit his rugged look so perfectly. He definitely wasn’t from around here.

“What are you doing out here? It’s bad, sweetheart, you could have cracked your head open on the ground instead.”

She blinked up at him with timid eyes. He softened his stern ones before his eyes closed. His hands finger combed his dreads back before he shook his head to stop the dripping water.

“My bad,” he looked down at her on the swing chair, “you’re probably thinking who the fuck he think he is talking to me,” he laughs awkwardly.

“Not at all,” Élise looked away and down at her lap. He was right. She was so quick to come running to the rescue. It was almost flooded outside.

“Let me see the damage,” He crouches down to look at her knees, “just scraped skin but it needs to be cleaned off.”

His onyx eyes landed on hers before turning back to his car. Élise studies the back of his smooth neck and the curve of his ears. It seemed like forever that he was staring at his car.

“I have everything in my house I can take care of it. Thank you though.”

He turned back with a tilt of his head. His eyes looked up at her house while his fingers lazily drummed on the swing chair.

“My name is Erik.” He reached out to shake her hand.

“I’m Élise,” she grabbed it and noticed some cuts on his knuckles, “looks like you need some help too.”

Erik drew his hand back before covering his knuckles by folding his arms, “Shit, I forgot that was even there.”

“No worries, I’m not afraid of blood.” She clarified.

“You must not be afraid of much talking to a stranger at 12 in the morning in the rain.”

His tone was serious. Élise looked away from him with a shy smile.

“I have a big heart and my shitty neighbors wouldn’t help you out so I figured what the hell I can do it.”

“Not much happens around here, huh?” He asked with attentive eyes.

“No, it’s pretty quiet,” she took in every inch of him with her eyes. The tight charcoal gray shirt was damp and exposing every single muscle. She liked his short dreads, almond colored skin, and long, sexy eyelashes.

“You could have knocked on someone’s door to give you a jump.”

“Ha,” his chuckle was dry, “You don’t answer doors when strangers knock, baby girl. And I don’t trust knocking on doors in this neighborhood. I’m lucky you even stepped out,” he smiled faintly, “like a breath of fresh air.”

“I agree,” she changed it up, “it’s just-“

“Don’t explain yourself. It’s cool,” Erik stands, stretching out the muscles in his arms. His eyes were studying her home with a new found curiosity.

“In this world we live in, you never know what you might find knocking on someone’s door. Most people are suspicious, especially of us black men.”

“True,” she stood with him, wrapping her coat around her, “so...do you wanna come in?”

He licked his lips and placed his hands in his black cargo pants pockets. He looked like he was freezing and she could see his cold breath.

“Erik, I have blankets and dry shirts,” she beemed up at him.

He squinted his eyes playfully at her before his head fell forward with defeat. Success.

“A blanket does sound nice. But, as tiny as you are, I doubt I could fit into one of your shirts.”

Élise thought she saw a flicker of lust in his eyes when he said that. At least, a part of her hoped she saw lust.

“Unless...” He gave her quizzical expression, “your boyfriend got some shirt he left behind.”

Élise blushes, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

She could tell he was fighting a grin. Élise finally turned to lead the way back into her place, Erik grabbing his hoodie and walking through the door. The second he ended up in there he felt his body defrost and dry.

“Fuck,” he ran his hands over his short dreads, “I’m glad I let my pride down for once and let you help me. A nigga was cold.”

“Uh-Huh,” Élise laughs, “I see your skin warming up, Erik.”

“Oh yeah, I’m nice and toasty now,” He smiles flirtatiously.

“Hungry? Thirsty?”

“Nah, I’m cool.”

“Tow service?”

“Not available and...I’d rather not,” His jaw clenched.

“Well...” Élise shrugs, “looks like you’re staying the night, Erik.”

Erik raised a brow at her before looking around him to get acquainted.

She felt comfortable with him even though he was considered a stranger. Her grandmother would have higher blood pressure than what she already had if she knew what she’d just done. The thought of having some kind of company that night made her feel a lot better and less lonely. Élise finally locks her door and went to her closet to take off her boots and coat. It was all or nothing.

“Closet is free to put your boots and hoodie in.”

She was so damn comfortable around him that she forgot about only being in her T-shirt. Erik stood back with his arms folded watching Élise move and the fabric of the shirt sink in between her ass cheeks. She was sexy for sure. The second she kicked off her boots Erik could see the flesh of her butt... bare flesh.

This girl is serious? He thought.

Ass swinging while she moved. She was a cutie with a nice body. Alone in this big home. All that alone with no man. Shit didn’t make sense. Maybe she was just fucking someone. Erik began walking up to her while she took off her puffer coat to hang. Long slender dreads with shells in it. He wanted to pull on the coarse hair.

“Thanks, Élise,” He was so stealthy that she hadn’t noticed how close he had gotten to her. Elise’s back stiffened and her body tried to step away to give him space but Erik was already taking off his boots and hanging up his hoodie. She caught a whiff of his cologne causing her to nibble on her bottom lip. He didn’t smell like liquor and cigarettes like the men at the bar and grill she worked at. He smelled like rain, sweat, and what she recognized was Gucci Guilty men’s cologne. She remembered that smell from when she was in Macy’s sniffing around in the perfume section. It was intimate and warm at the same time.

“Don’t worry, your blankets will smell like me even when I leave, baby girl.”

She was caught red handed.

“I’m sorry,” she stroked a few dreads from her face, “Your cologne smells really good.”

We’re they really standing in the closet? She dropped the flashlight on the floor when Erik leaned in towards her to smell her now. He was more than comfortable around her. He acted like he knew her.

“You smell like coconut oil,” He gave her a coy smile, “I like that.” Erik crouched down in the small space to pick up the flashlight.

“T-thanks.” Élise licked her dry lips. She needs more cocoa butter.

“So, nice closet,” He teased.

“Yeah...very spacious,” she awkwardly tried to joke back.

Just show me around, ma, since I’m gonna be sleeping here tonight. Unless...you changed your mind?”

He leaned in toward her with a slight raise of his brow and parted lips. He knew he had hers shooken up.

“Yeah, I have a spare bedroom and the couch pulls out into a bed.”

Erik’s eyes trailed up and down her body, “Pull out couch is fine.”

Élise finally let out the breath she’d been holding once Erik stepped away and into her living room. She watched him look around like he was in a museum, staring at her family photos and the art on the walls. Élise has redecorated since moving in two years ago.

“This you?” Erik had a wide smile on his face while pointing to a photo on the ledge of the fireplace. Élise walked over, spotting the photo in question. Oh, yes, when her hair was in a kinky fro, nose piercing, college T-shirt on two sizes too small, tiny denim shorts, and laying in the grass with her ass sitting out and ready to be grabbed.

“Looking like a little rebel,” He picked that photo up studying it with unrelenting eyes. She shuddered.

“Very sexy,” Erik commented and then he gave Élise that look. She turned away from him; she didn’t want him to see the desire in her eyes. She was beginning to have second thoughts about kissing and possibly fucking a complete stranger. No need to deny herself her own thoughts. She’s been thinking that the second he looked up at her from across the street in the rain.

“Where are you from, Erik?”

He placed the picture back on the fireplace ledge, “California.”

Élise was intrigued.

“Why New Orleans?” She followed him to the couch where he started pulling it out into a bed.

“Business,” He kept it short. She didn’t pry further because she sensed that he didn’t want her to know the nature of his “business.”

“How do you like it so far?”

He gathered the bottom of his shirt, bringing it up and over his head while his zealous eyes never left hers, “It’s cool, I’ve been before during Mardi Gras.”

She froze. Was his skin naturally like that? It wouldn’t make since with how neat the bumps were. What would make him do that? He didn’t seem bothered by her eyes taking it all in or the wondering crease in her brow. He wouldn’t tell her, she knew that. The shit was going to eat her alive.

She snapped out of her daze, “I haven’t been to a Mardi Gras since I was 21.”

“Why?” He settles down shirtless on the pullout. His body bathed in the fire. She could feel her tongue tingling to taste his skin. Erik is so sexy.

“It’s so damn wild.”

“Please, girl,” He laughs, “Drunk white people acting a fool ain’t our kind of wild.”

They both laughed.

“When I came that shit was dead i was not partying with them. So, me and a friend hit up some urban spots and listened to some upbeat jazz and ate Cajun food. I met a chick and had some fun with her.”

What kind of fun?

“Sounds a lot better than the time I went.”

Élise stares down at her scraped knees. The crimson peeked through the tiny scratches. Now that her attention was there it was beginning to burn.

“Where’s your bathroom so we can get those cuts cleaned, baby girl?”

Élise pointed to her stairwell, “Upstairs. I can bring it down you don’t have to come with me.”

“Well,” Erik had a roguish expression on his face, “what if I wanna see what upstairs looks like?”

Her wary eyes stared at his wry expression. Erik was definitely being very coy with her.

“You won’t find anything interesting upstairs except for my bedroom.”

Élise’s wistful expression let Erik know without even saying it flat out that she wanted him in her room. He fixed his eyes on her for being that bold with him. She wasn’t so shy. She was a little rebel.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Élise tries to play it off, “I should probably shut up.”

“Let’s go,” Erik stood up, holding his hand out to her. Élise grabs his hand, leading Erik to the staircase and up the creaky steps. It was dark and chilly in the hallway since she didn’t turn on the heat upstairs. She could hear Erik shiver even though his hand was still warm. They made it to her bathroom, Élise turning on the light. She hadn’t changed it around much. Her grandmother still had Élise’s potty from when she was a baby in there. She never let go of things.

“My guess is this house belonged to your grandmother?” Erik finally spoke while standing at the sink.

“Yep. She passed away from breast cancer two years ago.”

“I know how that shit feels, trust me,” Erik opened her medicine cabinet to find a withering first aid kit, “I lost my mom and my dad so I understand.”

Erik motioned for Élise to come to him. When she did he picked her up and sat her on the edge of the sink. Her short yet thick legs swung back and forth reminding her of when she was a child. Erik opened the kit and grabbed some gauze dressing, peroxide, and neosporin.

“You must really enjoy picking me up, stranger,” Élise’s playful eyes sought out Erik’s and the second he smiled revealing those deep dimples in his cheeks she crossed her legs to simmer the heat growing between them. Even the grip she had on the edge of the sing became firmer.

there is a man out there that will love every screaming orgasm you have. Especially if he’s the cause.

Ebony’s words spoke to her again. She was thinking about the sounds she would make if Erik fucked her. He was still shirtless, his cargo pants riding low on his hips showing her that chiseled v-cut of his, and those lashes with his onyx eyes blinked at her like he was trying to read her mind. Lord knows Élise wanted to read his. He was so mysterious and unreadable and that didn’t scare her. It made her want to stake her claim on him. He was visiting New Orleans and maybe she could show him around and they could have some fun of their own. Élise was lonely and friends weren’t enough to fill the void. Not really much family left either. She needed the warmth and comfort of a man.

But Erik looked like the type to break you down piece by piece. She wouldn’t mind him turning her out. Élise didn’t know how long she was staring but Erik’s soft fingers tapping the sides of her thighs broke her out of her dreamy state. Staring down, she could see the fresh gauze covering her wounds. Élise bit into her lip and without being able to control it her high cheek bones puffed out. He made her blush over everything. Why couldn’t he be from New Orleans and not California? Once he left she wouldn’t find another guy around like him. She already crushed on him and she hardly even knew him.

“What did I do to make you blush, pretty girl?”

“What didn’t you do, Erik,” She reaches out for his hands, “let me see.”

He came in closer between her legs, giving her permission to grab his hands and examine his scarred knuckles. It looked pretty bad. Did he beat a brick wall or somebody’s face? She glanced up at him briefly and without saying a word she tended his wounds. His searching expression made her belly flit like butterfly wings. Now, she was rubbing neosporin in carefully. She could feel his eyes leering at her in a sexually suggestive way.

“These are pretty fresh,” she muttered. Élise’s eyes looked from his Adam’s apple bobbing from swallowing spit to his teeth nibbling the corner of his full pouty lip. He didn’t look at her when she said that.

“That’s because they are, Élise,” he says with a low voice. She started wrapping the gauze dressing around his hand. After she was done she didn’t let his hands go. Élise surely didn’t want to. They stood in a comfortable silence and it gave her time to think about his fresh wounds. He didn’t look like the type to go around beating brick walls but faces? That was definitely the answer. And surprisingly, Élise wasn’t afraid. If Erik wanted to rob her or kill her he would have done that already. Instead he was kind to her and he looked at her like he wanted to fuck her. She liked that look a lot.

“Élise.” Erik spoke earnestly.

“Yes?” She said with a soft-spoken voice.

“You’re not afraid of me. Why?”

“Because I know you won’t hurt me.”

She noticed him watching the way her lips moved when she said that. He was admiring the shape of them. Her lips were the perfect proportion. Perfectly symmetrical on the left and the right. Full lips with volume and a plump pout.

“Yeah, baby girl, I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“...but you did hurt someone...”

Erik glides his tongue over his upper teeth, responding but completely ignoring her question, “what if I kissed you right now? That wouldn’t change your mind?”

“No.” Élise said gazing into his eyes.

Erik leans in with his hands bracing the sides of the sink. His lips sparingly touched hers as he spoke. Élise clings to every word while her low eyes stared at his mouth.

“If you lettin’ me put my mouth on yours then you’ll let me put something else on you...am I right?”

Élise has an anxious feeling and Erik wasn’t helping when the flesh of his bottom lip tickled hers every time he spoke. Now, her eyelids were fluttering. Still in nothing but that retro Voodoo Fishing T-shirt and no panties. She wondered if he could smell her arousal towards him.

“Erik-“

“Just answer the question, Élise.”

“Yes, I would.”

“If you’re not afraid of me you would answer my questions,” Erik moved his lips to her ear, his hard chest touching her clothed one. Élise shuddered when his warm breath tickled her ear, “Why are you so comfortable around me with this little ass T-shirt on and no panties?”

“H-How do you know I don’t have on panties?”

“Because,” the hair from his beard touched her neck, “I could see that ass from the back when you were in that closet, ma.”

She hung on to his captivating voice while staring at the side of his neck. Élise was sweating from how turned on she was and he didn’t even kiss her yet.

“That’s what I’m talking about. You act like you know me...what if I would have pulled that shirt up to get a better look at that ass?”

Élise gasps at his words, turning to look at him with alluring eyes. What if he would have done that? He was already so close to her. Now she was imagining him bending her over in that closet and going deep in her pussy from the back. She found that to be very sexy and thrilling. Élise’s grandmother was probably turning over in her grave right now. Her granddaughter letting a strange and clearly very dangerous man into her home and allowing him to seduce her. 

Erik takes his hands to rest on her thighs. He moved them up and down in a slow motion keeping a steady gaze on Élise to see if she would flinch away. No, she was enjoying the firmness of his hands. He knew exactly what he was doing. Élise could feel his fingertips hit the bottom of her T-shirt. Damn...he was so close.

“Élise, you so damn thick, girl.”

“Thank you.” She bit down on her tongue to fight her ugly moan. At least that’s what she thought it was. Her eyes descended when she felt Erik lift the bottom of her shirt. Unhurried and gentle Erik lifts that T-shirt up to reveal Élise’s shaved mound. The phat flesh sat between her plush thighs like a surprise treat.

“Damn, you just letting me do this, huh?”

“Yes,” she let out an airy sigh, “I am.”

“Been too long, ma?” Erik had a wolfish expression on his face, “shit, you nice and phat down there too.”

Erik pulled her shirt back down and Élise’s heart sank before his pillowy lips finally connected with hers so suddenly. Her head almost collided with the mirror from how alarmed she was. Her hands reached up to cup his face while she allowed this man to fuck her mouth with his tongue. She tried to keep up with him but in the end Erik conquered her. His mouth tasted amazing. Now, he was gripping her curvy waist with his forceful hands and practically pulling her into his body. Their heads moved from side to side and their lips smacked and sucked on each other’s. A tiny yelp escaped her mouth when Erik sank his teeth into her bottom lip before drawing back. He licks his lips in one motion all the way around his mouth and Élise was officially hungry for more of him. A man coming in from the rain. A man she would have never expected would be kissing her on her bathroom sink. It was so risky.

“Ahhhh!” She moaned instantaneously. His lips and teeth were on her neck. Shit, Élise actually moaned. Why was she even worried? She actually sounded quite nice. Erik was bruising her skin with the right suction of his lips. If it felt like that on her neck it would feel just as good on her hard nipples and clit. The surface of the sink was moist from her pussy rubbing and gliding along the surface.

“Taste so goddam good, girl,” he flattened his tongue and licked her neck, “so sweet.”

“God, Erik,” she moaned, “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this to me.”

“I can,” He chuckles, “You like that I’m doing this to you. I can tell you’ve been loosing out, ma, got you all sweaty and breathing deep.”

“I just can’t...believe...fuck, Erik.”

His hands grabbed her breasts, circling them and tweaking her nipples through her shirt. He was torturing her at this point. Élise wanted him to rip that shirt off her body.

“You’re driving me crazy,” She whispered, “Erik,” her voice was so hushed and heavenly. The man in question was just as frazzled as her. Panting, a sheen of sweat on his skin, his dick hardening and thickening against her inner thighs.

“Élise...I wanna fuck you.” He grabs her hips to keep her still, “listen to me,” his thumb came up to stroke her dimples chin, “...I wanna fuck you so good, girl. You need to take some good dick.”

“It’s been so long,” she bit into her pouty lip.

“Shit, how long?” He was running his hands through her dreaded strands.

“I feel,” she shivers, “I feel so embarrassed saying it,” Élise’s murmured like she was telling a huge secret.

“You can tell me...don’t be scared, girl.”

“A year,” she closed her eyes.

What the fuck. An entire year. Élise was yearning, longing, craving, and hungry for some dick and attention. Part of Erik wondered if that was one of the reasons why she let him into her home.

“Aye,” Erik soothes her, “that’s a long time, baby girl, but I can help you out with that,” Erik takes her hand to kiss it gently before speaking against her knuckles, “I can make you feel better....”

“Erik.”

“You know you want me to...let me make you feel good...” He kissed her hand again while staring into her eyes. Erik felt her thighs quiver around his waist.

“I got you, ma.”

“Erik,” she kept whispering at him and it had him grunting and painfully hard, “I’m so wet, I can’t believe it...Erik.”

She’s so beautiful. God, Erik needed this right now. He needed her ass.

“Élise, girl, I swear to fucking God-“

“Erik, please, Erik.”

Élise unexpectantly lifts both of her legs to the sink, her entire T-shirt bunched up around her waist now showing Erik all that wet juicy pink. Pussy looking like a wet piece of fruit. A peach drizzled in honey. Tight slit with puffy suckable lips. Erik’s eyes were vicious. He reached out to keep her thighs back since she wanted it that way. Then, in a blink of an eye, he had her pushed back against the mirror with her ass hanging over the edge of that sink.

“Oh? You itchin’ for me, ain’t you? opening up your fucking legs like that. Just telling me I can have it? Girl, I will beat this pussy up right on this motherfucking sink. Fucking playing with me if you want...”

She caved when she saw him spit thickly on her pussy. She drew her lips into her mouth. Élise could feel the saliva practically slap her clit. He was so fucking nasty. She just knew that Erik would have her making all types of noises.

“Still ain’t scared, huh?”

“No.” Her voice shook even though she said no.

Erik’s head went down between her legs. He stuck his tongue out as far as it could go and began licking the underside of her clit back and forth. Élise clenched her teeth, the sounds begging to escape her mouth.

“I don’t hear nothing. If you ain’t afraid why don’t I hear you moaning, baby girl?”

Erik went in again slurping her up and licking in a deadly pattern. She felt him tug on her clit and inner folds. She was ready to cum already.

“Erik, Erik I-Stop it, I’m-Erik, please, please I’m-oh my God you’re-you’re making me-Ooooh you’re making me-“

Like it wasn’t in her own control, Élise moaned as her orgasm erupted from her. Her eyes squeezed shut and the so called animalistic sounds escaped her mouth. She was choking on her moans and she hated that she couldn’t control it but this fucking man...he was eating her. Making up for that year. Every month fueling him to suck and lick on that pussy some more. Even after she came he still covered her with his entire mouth and spit. She waited and waited for him to say she sounded ugly or look at her bizarrely but no. Instead he says...

“Good fucking girl. That’s right, cum in this mouth. Shit, cum all you want, do it, baby girl.”

Thank god for his car breaking down.

“Yes!”

“Uh-Huh, you want some more!”

She nodded her head with vigorously.

“Look at you,” Erik bit his lip while thumbing her clit, “look at you shaking and moaning,” his motions increased, “cumming again? That pussy cummimg for me? she ready to bust for me, Élise?”

“Mmmm, Erikkkk, baybeee!”

“You just keep on going?” He smiled.

“I-I’m sorry,” her body spasmed, “I can make a lot of mess.”

Élise was referring to her squirting habit.

“You can squirt all over Daddy whenever you like,” He inserts two fingers inside of her. She rolled her eyes shut, body vanquished but feeining for more.

“Grabbing my fingers like that? Gon’ head and cum...better yet fuck these fingers. Get you some, ma, pop that pussy on these fingers.”

Her hips lifted to get all of his fingers as he dug deep.

“Ooh...ooh...look at you...got my dick heavy in these pants.”

Élise watched him grab his dick. He was so long. She couldn’t wait to see it. And fuck it. And suck it...

“Damn, shit, I can’t wait to pound that puss.”

She shouted out again, pussy convulsing around his thick fingers. Her throat was raw from how hard she screamed.

“So fucking beautiful. Shit don’t make no sense.”

@tgigoldie @soufcakmistress @chefjessypooh@chaneajoyyy@pananegra@theblulife @becincere @blaqwidow91 @fish-outta-watah@moonlight-night-sky @eyeknowmywrites  @crowngold@njadakillthiscookie@blktinkerbell@luvanxi @sheisexcellent1@chocolatedippedinhoney@brandithecrystalgem@dababydababydababydababy@soulfulbeauty19@btitannaaa@sunkissedebony97 @youngblackndgifted@harleycativy @rbhp@thee-germanpeach @thadelightfulone@bugngiz@palmstreesallday@skylahb @bakaris-shorty @nizzle-mo @truglori @queenflaws @ljstraightnochaser @nickidub718 @vikkidc @thehomierobbstark @rent-emspoons @abluesforlyssa

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

[thedreadvampy]

So this was sent to me by @atiredpan weeks ago when the White Jon conversation was very live and I'm posting it (belatedly) with their blessing (they didn't want to put it up publicly and have it seem like an attack which I really very much appreciate but wouldn't have minded) and I percolated for a few days and then got very busy for a few weeks. Response follows.

So I feel weird about how I'm responding to this stuff, I'm launching rapidly into taking about/explaining my own experience in a way I'm worried maybe comes across as a direct comparison. It kind of feels like I'm talking in a way that's like brushing off your experience and saying OK BUT HERE'S WHY I'M RIGHT and that's not what I'm trying to do, it's just that there's not much I can usefully add to what you've said - you know your experience better than I do, and I'm not gonna go around trying to read into it or reexplain it. So I'm going to talk about where I am/have been coming from, but not with the intention of countering your points, all of which I think really resonate.

First off, the post where I was like "Jon is white and if you disagree you're Wrong" was, unreservedly, just a shitty post and I'm not suprised it upset a lot of people. I'm really very sorry about that, it was thoughtlessly written and pretty stupidly posted.

I totally get that my whiteness has fed into how I hced Jon (and as I think I've said before I saw Jon a certain way well before I engaged with any fanworks, just as you did). There's a lot of reasons I imagined Jon as white from pretty early on, a non-negligible one of which was like...That's Jonny. This is a podcast by Jonny, about a character with the same name and mannerisms as Jonny, and Jonny is extremely white. It would have felt weird, when I was listening to TMA as a Friend Podcast, to stick a brown face onto what at least appeared at the time to basically be a self-insert character of my white friend. Now that's a really personal thing informed less by the story and more by the circumstances under which I've interacted with it, but it certainly laid a baseline. I didn't really have a clear mental picture of Jon (or most of the characters) for a looooooong time (for an artist I'm really not a very visual thinker) but I had a few sort of mental sketches (Jon is short white balding and awkward, Martin is tall biracial and scruffy Basira is fat and somali Melanie is my friend from work etc) which I developed a long time before I encountered fanworks.

I saw the alienation you mentioned and I connected it to class and gender, not race, because I’ve met a lot of cis men, white and otherwise, who interpolate trauma, class insecurity, insecurity about their own abilities, and so on into withdrawal, denial and snappiness. So for me I had an interpretation of that element of his personality which was pretty much race-neutral, and then I had these existing cues leading me to assuming he was white (largely that Jonny is white, but also wee stuff in the story that...it’s not like anything substantial enough to remember, let alone justify, but there were certainly interactions that pinged whiteness for me personally)

There are actually iirc a few throwaway references to Jon being promoted above more qualified candidates throughout (or at least I thought I knew that before s5), but the time I decided I thought White Jon was an obvious conclusion was of course the conversation where Sasha expresses frustration about it. and the context of that conclusion (at least as far as I can see) wasn't "people of colour can only exist in subservient positions/defined by oppression" but was informed by two things that were going on with my life around the time that episode aired

I had been having several conversations with friends of mine (and largely friends of Jonny's) who work in London in the museums/archiving sector and who are the only women of colour in whole departments or even whole museums, and who experience so little career mobility compared to their less-qualified white counterparts (we're talking about women graduating top of their class at Oxbridge with anthropology or library science masters and stellar original research, with a decade or more of impeccable work experience and acting up, being left in internship and low-grade positions, while white men who "fit the culture" but have 0 museums experience sail into upper management positions and then stay there until they retire). So I'd come almost directly from these conversations into what to me sounded like exactly the same gripe in TMA.

I'd been at that point working for about a year and a half on co-coordinating the anti-oppression committee in my workplace, which was a very Good Progressive Activist Charity with Good Lefty Principles, and over the course of experience sharing and discussions both with colleagues of colour and along lines of wealth, disability, class etc, I was very much confronted with the realisation of how much 'being adequately qualified' meant different things for middle-class good-university white men vs much more highly skilled and hardworking women of colour or people of different class and wealth backgrounds. Obviously I'd known that before in principle, but not really having been in Salaried Workplaces (as opposed to like. service and retail hourlies) I hadn’t got so up close and personal with it. So that was also very fresh in my mind, this like...big substantial experience of how Good, Well-Meaning, Caring, Thoughtful, Woke white men just........did not need to think about this. at all. and were startled and discomforted to face it. and that this was also true of most white middle-class women. and these conversations were really carved down the middle between white middle-class European women saying ‘this is such a surprise when we have such an equitable hiring policy and diverse staff, that there’s this gender gap’ and women of colour in the room wearily saying ‘yeah, there’s a gender gap, there’s always a gender gap and it is always a racialised gender gap’ so yeah I was definitely thinking about the intersection between being passed over at work because of gender and because of race.

The point about Tim is interesting because I think for me what’s getting lost is that I don’t think Jon is entitled as like...a Character Trait. He’s not like...Toxic Masculinity Man. He is very anxious about boundaries and about his own capacity to do harm. But it has to be pointed out to him where he’s doing harm. He doesn’t notice where he’s been unfairly advantaged, and that’s to me much more reflective of most people’s relationship to white or male entitlement. 

As I say, that exchange with Tim and Sasha cemented the Jon Is White hc in my head specifically because it was so reflective of conversations I had had with women of colour working in similar workplaces, about white men, usually about white men they generally liked or at least didn’t have beef with beyond their unfair advantages. 

It seems odd to me to frame ‘bitching about your boss on your friend’s behalf to make her feel better’ as more similar to white entitlement/white privilege than any of that tbh? That’s just...being friends with someone? 

Anyway I recognise that it’s not white entitlement to accept a job. Obviously it’s not, it’s just sensible under the circumstances, you get lucky and you grab it. For me my sense of Jon as white-because-of-this is not “he took a job he shouldn’t have taken,” it’s more about his obliviousness to the impact he has on others, and also primarily how people react to him. The interaction between Sasha and Tim is saturated with the of course it would be him I mentioned above, but even before that he walks through the world not expecting to have to think about anything but his conscious decisions, and he’s caught aback when people see him as out of place or as having power above his station.

I think it’s impossible to extricate ‘this is where my head was at’ from that interpretation, and also like obviously my own whiteness is a big factor. And not just my own personal whiteness but the place I grew up (which was 98.3% white) and the world which reflects back whiteness. So this is in no way intended as a bolshy This Is The Correct Headcanon the way my Bad Post was bc examining it I’m like...yeah I mean this is about how I personally interpreted this based on where I was at at the time. But I do feel like there’s some communication gap in what it is about this unqualified promotion thing that pinged me - it’s not that All Bosses Must Be White And All Brown People Must Be Downtrod, it’s something quite specific about the tone and tenor of the interactions around the getting-a-job.

But also? Idk. Kind of unrelatedly, and people obviously should feel free to disagree with me on this, it feels kind of off to frame this as defaulting to a white Jon? I sort of think that my idea of Jon as white is very much not ‘white until proven otherwise’ - part of the reason for my original strident tone was that I felt that I was being expected to drop a headcanon I had for specific reasons and default to the fanon version of Jon without actually having any reason other than ‘this is how the community thinks he should look,’ and without really understanding anything about what that means, and while obviously defaulting to a non-white headcanon isn’t like...entrenched in the way that defaulting to a white headcanon is, it does seem to me like this is perhaps part of why white fans slap brown skin onto a character without thinking into what that means or why they’re doing it.

The thing I’m struggling with as regards my personal headcanon here is that I could decide to only ever draw Jon as Fanon Jon, but it wouldn’t be because I had strong reasons to see him that way, it wouldn’t be the same as why you see Jon as brown, or why I see like...Melanie as Indian, it would literally be Default To Standard in a way it isn’t for you. And I don’t feel that I have Defaulted To Whiteness, or where I have it is for reasons specifically to do with Jon (I visualised Jon as white because I visualised him as Jonny, who is white), not because I think every character is White Until Proven Otherwise. Like, my reasons for understanding Jon as white may be bad reasons, but they are reasons, not post-hoc excuses (I can’t like...prove that. but I know it to be true at least on a conscious level). I didn’t go Oh Jon Is White Because Everyone Is Unless I Have Reason To Think They Aren’t, Hooray, Here Is A Post-Hoc Justification For Why It Isn’t Racist To Think That. So while I am totally on board with the idea that it may be shitty, harmful or poorly thought through to hc Jon as white, I’m not sure I can fully see it in myself as being default. But I do understand that that isn’t necessarily what came across in my original short post.

Honestly, the reason I took issue with Fanon Jon and Fanon Martin in such a bolshy way in the first place was that I didn’t get why these characters were universally seen as Asian and white, respectively, and had such strong and consistent fanon images, when none of the other characters did, and when I was seeing people drawing people like Sasha and Melanie and Tim as white way more when in my mind there was no reason to assume they were white. On an emotional level I guess I think either there’s Fanon As Lore, or there’s no fanon (and I prefer the latter) and my discomfort came from the place that the one character I absolutely saw as coded as white in the core cast had this one really specific Ambiguously Brown Fanon Look (which from what I’d seen at the time didn’t seem to be like...backed with anything or coming from any personal interpretation for most of the white fans I was seeing on like Twitter and Tumblr) but white headcanons are everywhere for characters like Melanie or Sasha or Georgie, who seemed to me to be unambiguously people of colour, or characters like Tim or Martin (who could perfectly reasonably be people of colour and who I hc as Rroma and biracial respectively)? I don’t know, it’s difficult to express, but I find it frustrating.

[hellyeahomeland]

“Deception Indicated”: an HYH recap

[The very final season of this show really does seem the perfect time to kick off a new series on this blog! Over the years I’ve expressed my dislike of recap culture, so I don’t know why I think this is a good idea. But I do! My goal here is to offer something a bit more light-hearted than Director’s Chair, a bit broader than the extremely niche Things Carrie Wore This Week, and much less time-consuming than listening to a 1-hour podcast. Let me know what you think! --Sara]

Our final season opens with Carrie, sleepless in bed, recounting some truly horrific memories of her time in capture. How does one describe this? She screams “not the coat, not the coat!” presumably talking about a straitjacket. She has what I can only describe as an imaginary orgasm, surrounded by wooden figurines to which she whispers, “don’t be scared!” Are we on the set of Girl, Interrupted? I have to believe this is the footage Claire talked about filming in 2018 that never made it into the final cut of “Paean to the People.” It’s all very…. wtf. I really don’t need it in my life.

Carrie has a mini anxiety attack (episode count: 1), because honestly who wouldn’t. She’s in Landstuhl Medical Center. Which is where Brody was before they brought him home in the pilot, and where Quinn was before Saul and Carrie effectively killed him too. ~memories~

Carrie asks for a half of a Lorazepam before returning back to bed. Apparently she’s seen our Twitter bio and feels the same! 

We then get the rarest of Homeland occurrences: a montage! This montage has EVERYTHING! Carrie running, Carrie bun, Carrie getting her blood pressure taken, Carrie wearing an oversize sweater, Carrie going to meet Doug who is not Doug.

Instead it’s some hard ass CIA man Jim, who is Doug’s supervisor, believes Carrie is a Russian agent, and also apparently can’t read her file because he is asking her the same questions she’s already been asked 439 times. Three things:

1) This scene reminds me so much of a point in “Game On,” when Carrie is trying to get out of the psychiatric hospital and does her very best “I’m so grateful and agreeable and kind” act—which is an act, but also not really an act? She declines water, and makes small talk with Jim, and actually attempts a smile.

2) This scene also has a strong callback to the scene in the pilot where Carrie is questioning Brody at Langley. It’s intercut with flashbacks, similar to Brody with Nazir, and most importantly has a defining air of “hmm what is actually going on?”

3) Carrie sighs and sucks in her teeth at least 76 times. I LOVE YOU, CARRIE!!

Carrie is understandably pissed at Jim’s accusations but we don’t sit with that for too long because now we’re in Qatar, with Saul. He is still, for some unknown reason, the National Security Advisor to Beau Bridges. There is a scene where Saul explains what’s going on to a group of journalists and it has so much exposition and information-dumping in it it’s kind of admirable.

I had to watch this twice to understand what was happening but it goes like this: America is helping facilitate peace talks between Afghanistan and the Taliban, because it would really like to get out of Afghanistan after 20 years. But no one really trusts anyone else, and everyone is still pissed at everyone for literally everything that’s happened in the last half century. So yeah, things are going great! And this episode has TWO references to the embassy attack in Islamabad in season four, in case we’d forgotten (how could I ever).

Then the Afghan VP G’ulom  is like FUCK THIS and calls a surprise press conference and says they’ll never agree to giving up Taliban POWs and don’t you know that Afghanistan is a lion? The dude who plays G’ulom has probably the best voice of any actor I’ve ever heard. The way he says “lions” over and over gives me chills.

So now Saul is like, hmmm what do I do?… Oh, I know, my homie Carrie! She’s just the person for this task in a war zone. Also the last time I asked her to do something like this it ended very well for everyone involved.

Saul goes to Germany to say exactly this and Doug and Jim look at him like he’s basically crazy, which he is. But Carrie is all in, but she’s still basically crazy too.

MEANWHILE, Max is also en route to Afghanistan for a mission. That’s right, Max gets his own band of hot Marines this year too! At least one of them looks like he would have been on Friday Night Lights 10 years ago. Mr. FNL thinks the mission is bullshit because it’s very dangerous and he has no idea what’s going on. That makes two of us, Mr. FNL! Also there is a hat.

The next day Carrie is in Kabul, being very Cool Girl with Mike Dunne (good lord I wish his name was Nick Dunne just for funsies), the Kabul Chief of Station. He introduces her to Jenna, who is…. both deer-in-headlights and also trying desperately to be Cool Girl too? This CIA culture is toxic. There is a glorious scene where Jenna is taking Carrie to her room and Carrie is forced to be in an elevator with her and is this the first time Carrie’s been alone with another woman who’s not a blood relative in years? Carrie’s annoyance is palpable. She tells Jenna to stop whining and stop taking no for an answer. The Carrie Mathison way™!

Tasneem smokes a cigarette while waiting for Saul, and it is glorious. I actually screamed! Saul apologizes for his earlier comments blaming her for Americans dying in the Islamabad embassy attack. In true Saul fashion, he uses this as a segue to accuse her of tanking the current peace talks, implying that he needs an “adult” at the table and GOD WHY DON’T YOU JUST WANT PEACE?? Tasneem is like, HOLD UP!!! You left the region when the USSR left, then you came roaring back after 9/11. Also, we fucking live here! We know that if the US leaves now, the Afghan state—WHICH BY THE WAY YOU BUILT—will collapse and the country will enter into a civil war, and all of this is not PEACEFUL the last time I checked. Saul just kind of stares at her, because she’s actually right and he knows it.

Cut to Carrie, doing all of her most “old school” spy tricks, including: something with a dial tone that this millennial does not understand, dressing up as someone else, flicking on lights as some sort of code, exiting through the kitchen, and riding a dusty motorcycle. I know it was a stunt double but Carrie just revealing her ability to ride a motorcycle after 8 years is thrilling. It’s like when she showed up in Tehran in season three with different hair and spoke French fluently.

She goes to meet an old asset, who drives her to meet another old asset, who it turns out is dead. Killed five months ago for being a traitor to the Americans. Carrie has another anxiety attack (episode count: 2) as it dawns on her that she probably gave up his name in the Russian prison.

Back on the Afghan mountains, we finally learn just what the hell Max is doing. It involves a decoy rock that has some sort of computer or listening device under it. Apparently they have no way to tap into Haqqani’s phone and Max is gonna save the day and get that fixed. We have to stan.

Carrie gets back to her hotel room and Mike Dunne is waiting for her, very concerned dad. Doesn’t Mike know Carrie already has a fake dad who feigns concern about her well-being? Their conversation goes something like this: 

Mike: don’t give me that ask for forgiveness, not permission crap!  Carrie: lmao dude, I don’t need your permission. I am here because Saul asked me, no one even knows who you are.  Mike: we have THREE TEAMS looking for you.  Carrie: I could not give fewer fucks.  Mike: ...  Carrie: ...But, by the way, how real is Russian/Taliban cooperation? Like… do they share advisors… or what about intelligence? Say, intelligence given up by former CIA officers while in a Russian prison?

Oh, she leaves that last part out. I’m struck here both by how bad of a liar Carrie is and also how good of a liar she is. She brings up Russia for some unknown reason (doesn’t she know that looks really shady?) and then nods her head, does the “oh, I see” routine, eyes darting… but then comes up with a perfectly believable cover story. There is a strange moment where Carrie and Mike Dunne both sort of agree to drop it and I don’t know why but I had this palpable feeling that there is way more to this relationship from pre-season four days (I guess that means there was a shift from concerned dad to ... something else). After he leaves, Carrie has another panic attack (episode count: 3).

Max and Mr. FNL and the rest of the crew have finally made their way back down the mountain but the hardest part remains. There is an excruciating sequence where, one by one, they make their way across this exposed field. Eventually the Taliban fighters do see them. There are gunshots but somehow, miraculously, they all make it out alive. Mr. FNL says Max is their “frosted lucky charm” and Max only stares at them because the mission? It was actually a success. They’re all up in Haqqani’s comms now.

The next morning, Carrie and Jenna are at the meeting to see G'ulom. Jenna—unwisely!—asks if Carrie is ok. She knows from Mike she was out late last night. Carrie gives a terse “I’m fine” before mentioning, oh by the way you know you’re just gonna wait outside of this meeting like a silly chaperone, right? Did Mike tell you that too? 

Again, she doesn’t actually say this, it’s just coded Carrie language, dripping with passive aggression. I suppose when you’re brought up in a toxic, misogynist work culture, you’re probably trained to believe that every woman who is nice to you just wants something from you. (And Carrie may be right but my God is it amusing/depressing to see Jenna, dejected, plop herself down and sit silently with her hands in her lap.)

Carrie paces and does her trademark Brody finger tapping outside G’ulom’s office… when out walks a Russian delegation. Including one Mr. Yevgeny Gromov. WHO LITERALLY WINKS AT HER. I have to say I find Costa Ronin extremely hot, 75% of that attraction being that he wears a turtleneck 50% of the time. 

His presence sparks a memory in Carrie: he was the one she implored to stay in the Russian prison, to not leave her here (was this a shock to anyone else, or just Carrie). She goes all wide-eyed, starts breathing heavily, and has her fourth panic attack of the episode. Cut to black.

[filosofablogger]

Good morning, folks and welcome to … Monday.

So, how was your weekend?  Mind was spent in utter chaos.  I should have taken pictures of my house during the building of the desk.  We bought Miss Goose a new desk from Amazon and it arrived last Thursday.  Now, I could have had them assemble it for an extra $150, but … nah … we can put it together.  How hard can it be, after all?  Probably take 2-3 hours, right?  WRONG!  Six hours on Saturday just to put the desk part together, then about another 5 hours on Sunday to put the hutch together and hoist it atop of it.  Solid wood.  Heavy — 193 pounds worth of heavy.  Meanwhile, all the crappola she had in her old desk was scattered throughout the house and I damn near broke bones more than once trying to get to the washing machine, and at one point it was an obstacle course just to get to the bathroom!  I have bruises and a back that seems not to want to bend, but it is complete now and she is quite happy, so … I told her it has to last her past my death, ‘cause I am never going through this again!  Should have just spend the $150 for the professional installation.  Here’s a look at the finished product …

Today is a special Jolly Monday, for our young friend Benjamin is on school break and will be joining us!  So, grab a snack and lets find a few smiles before we have to head off to our various jobs, shall we?

                                     Larry’s bacon

Matchmaker, Matchmaker …

Jeff Gebhart of Prairie Village, Kansas, is looking for a girlfriend.  Jeff told a local television station, KCTV, that he is tired of the ‘traditional’ methods and also of online dating, so he’s come up with a whole new approach.  Gebhart debuted his own dating site last Sunday, exclusively dedicated to finding himself a new partner, and he’ll give $25,000 to anyone who sends the perfect match his way. He’ll also sweeten the pot by donating $25,000 to a no-kill dog shelter or charity.  He seems a bit desperate to me, but Jeff says …

“I don’t need a person to ‘complete’ me, but I’m looking for a person with qualities that will allow us to complement each other.”

Sounds simple, right?  But wait … there are rules.  The person Gebhart is matched up with must date him and him alone for a year before the matchmaker will be paid, and even then, he/she will be paid in installments of five $5,000 payments over a five-year stretch. If Gebhart and the gal split before the final payment, the matchmaker gets only what he or she has earned to that point. There’s also an online quiz that applicants will need to take to see if their personalities sync with his.  So what, exactly is he looking for?  Someone who is …

“… fun, easy to spend time with … confident, driven … and has a zest for life. The main objective of this is to find the right girl for me, wherever she is.”

Okaaaay … well, good luck, Jeff!

Mickey D’s?

This is what the inside of your average McDonald’s restaurant looks like …Plastic tables and chairs, nothing special … just your average kid-friendly fast food joint.  But, if you happen to be in Rome, Italy, or more specifically the Roma Termini, and have a craving for a Big Mac, this is what you’ll see …

What is it, you ask?  It is a small section of the Servian Wall that was unearthed during the construction of the station’s underground shopping mall, and was thus integrated into the dining area of McDonald’s.

The Servian Wall was constructed around the city of Rome during the 4th century B.C. The outline of the wall possibly dates back to the times of King Servius Tullius, for which it garnered its namesake. The wall stood for generations as the first line of defense against the Gauls and Carthaginians. By the early Imperial age, the wall became unnecessary as the Roman army grew in number and power. Eventually, it was superseded by the Aurelian Wall constructed by Emperor Aurelian in 275.

Definitely not the atmosphere you expect to see while munching on your chicken nuggets, eh?

Whose playlist???

Now, you all know how much I love critters, right?  But even I, the ultimate critter lover, find this just a bit over the top.  The Swedish audio-streaming company Spotify recently announced that it has made playlists and a podcast for dogs to listen to in their owners’ absence.  Why, you ask?  Apparently, it found in a survey that 74% of pet-owners play music for their pets to listen to for company when they are away from home, with 42% of owners saying their pets have a favorite type of music.  A quarter of pet owners said they have even seen their pets dancing to music.

So, what kind of music does Spotify think dogs like to hear?  The podcast features soothing music, “dog-directed praise”, stories, and messages of affirmation and reassurance narrated by actors to alleviate stress for dogs who are home alone.  Meanwhile, the playlists aimed at pets offer tracks selected by algorithms to match pets’ characteristics such as energetic or slow.

Okay, then, but … what about cats, rabbits, hamsters, gerbils, birds and other pets?  Won’t they feel left out?  Oh wait!!!

In another article, I found that the company says that if you have a pet rabbit, Spotify may not be able to fulfill her musical needs right now. For now, it can only musically accommodate dogs, cats, hamsters, birds, and iguanas!

Take heart all you iguana families out there … they haven’t forgotten you after all!!!

Tartan sheep …

Get a load of these Tartan sheep found in the Auchingarrich Wildlife Centre in Scotland!

 If you’re wondering about these unique animals, the sign here explains it …

Who knew???  Well … actually … they are spray painted to look like that.  But don’t worry … this is a special, non-toxic spray paint, the same that is used to number them during lambing season, and is perfectly harmless.  It was the idea of the owner of the Wildlife Centre, Maxine Scott, when she first purchased the park ten years ago.

The park had already had a tradition of creating painted sheep, so she kept up this tongue-in-cheek practice. The sheep in these photos are April and Daisy. Of all the tourists that come by, it is the Americans that seem to enjoy the joke the most. She tells people that the Tartan Sheep change color often and encourages people to come back to see her ewes again.

Now, are you ready for some ‘toons, courtesy of Phil’s Phun?

While I was mooching around over at Phil’s, I came across this video and it is just so much fun that I had to share it.  It’s a group of guys that have formed a friendship over the years of waiting for their wives shopping at Target!  If you are in the mood for a few laughs, you really must see this!

Well, if it’s Jolly Monday, then it must be time for a cute animal video, mustn’t it? I bet you never thought of these guys as being fun pets, but just watch …

Okay, folks, the clock is ticking and we’ve all got work to do.  I have to clean up the mess from the weekend’s construction project, so … Oh, by the way, before I forget … today is National Random Acts of Kindness Day, so … let’s all try to do something nice, no matter how small, for someone.  Buy a stranger a cup of coffee, take a neighbor’s trash out, or whatever opportunity presents itself, okay?  And smile … share those smiles … bring one to somebody else’s face today, okay?  Love ‘n hugs from Filosofa and Jolly!

Jolly Monday At Last!!! Good morning, folks and welcome to … Monday.So, how was your weekend?  Mind was spent in utter chaos. 

[clumothy]

All of them :3

I deserved this.1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Soda cans

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Proooooobs cotton candy. Bubble gum loses its flavour way too fast

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Angry, annoying, uncooperative, etc. I wasn’t a pleasing student in elementary school

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m a fan of formal wear

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones

8. movies or tv shows?

movies

9. favorite smell in the summer?

campfires

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

badminton

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I usually skip breakfast

12. name of your favorite playlist?

“heck” lol its fun when I yell ‘Hey Siri, shuffle heck!’

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

The Great Gatsby

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

leaned on one side with a leg up

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

I have a zipup pair I love

18. ideal weather?

15 ° Celsius and sunny

19. sleeping position?

face down!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone notes app

21. obsession from childhood?

I mean, Pokemon, Mario, Sonic, etc. The usuals

22. role model?

RDJ is pretty inspiring when you read his story

23. strange habits?

sleeping chest down? I’m not that strange of a person

24. favorite crystal?

Emerald

25. first song you remember hearing?

Another one Bites the Dust by Queen

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Go for walks. I am dog.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Stay inside. I am cat.

28. five songs to describe you?

A) Your Love - The Outfield

B) Heat of the Moment - Asia

C) Get a Ride - The Northern Hues

D) Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

E) Is it arrogant to say Iron Man - Black Sabbath?

29. best way to bond with you?

Quiet talks in low lit rooms. Sounds creepy, is fun in practice.

30. places that you find sacred?

The kitchen

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Dress as formally as possible

32. top five favorite vines?

I’m a Giraffe, Adam!, Is that a weed?, only one thing worse than a rapist, and of course: SHAWDY I DON’T MIND!

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“That’s Fair.”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

Avenge the Fallen

35. average time you fall asleep?

1:30 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Does the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

if its iced, tea.

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Anything with meringue wins

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Someone gave the special needs kids weed brownies and that was a weird day.

41. last person you texted?

You

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I love my jacket pockets because they arent the average hand pockets but I keep my phone wallet and keys in my pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

leather jacket

44. favorite scent for soap?

uh. soap. Pumpkin I guess?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Tie between Fantasy and Superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

tshirt and boxers

47. favorite type of cheese?

Dude. Cheesestrings are good. Idgaf

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

A spicy pepper

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen? They happen because of you.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

God you or chaz have said something like every week that made me laugh harder than the previous thing

51. current stresses?

doggos and schoooooooool

52. favorite font?

the uh. The coca cola font is nice. Isn’t it also the ford trucks?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a tad beat up but healing nicely

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Only give 100% of your effort if it makes you happy. If you’re giving 100% and you aren’t happy I guarantee no one cares. If you can get away with giving 60 or 70% and your boss is fine with that, awesome. Giving 100% all day every day is exhausting and if your job expects that of you it truly isn’t a good place to work. In my opinion at least

55. favorite fairy tale?

SHREK.

56. favorite tradition?

I dont really have any but I’m excited to start one or two

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Depression, school, learning to let go of “toxic and entitled” people

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing, designing, thinking quick and mathematics

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Talley Ho!” I wanna be a pirate don’t @ me

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

A farmer. I like Stardew Valley but as an anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

All that is gold does not glitter - J. R. R. Tolkien

62. seven characters you relate to?

Tony Stark, Peter Parker, Link Link, Jim Halpert, Edward Elric I guess, Bilbo Baggins, and uh. uh. Shrek?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

The Malo Mart theme on repeat, we don’t need any other songs. Ever.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Webkins and Miniclip

65. any permanent scars?

Three on my head/face, one on my stomach and probs one forming on my finger

66. favorite flower(s)?

lavender

67. good luck charms?

I love that triforce chip you got me

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

PEPPERMINT!

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Nintendo almost owned the Sony Playstation but backed out last moment. WHOOPS.

70. left or right handed?

Right for most things but oddly left handed on other things

71. least favorite pattern?

I agree with you, pokadots suck. but especially uneven pokadots

72. worst subject?

Biology

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

spicy and sweet, like the spicy gummies i had

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

10

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

who knoooows. Proooobs at age 3?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Tater tots! also fries too and flavoured chips

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A cactus. Lets get a cactus.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Sushiiiiii

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

School ID.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE

82. pc or console?

Both have perks but console mostly

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio

84. barbie or polly pocket?

polly pocket. When i was a kid i went to this babysitter and the girls all played with Polly Pockets and I was the only guy and Polly Pockets were the same size as my Mario toys!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies

87. your greatest fear?

The death of those around me

88. your greatest wish?

A peaceful life with you and our friends with little to no stress

89. who would you put before everyone else?

You

90. luckiest mistake?

Breaking up with you a few years ago? Idk kinda helped our relationship in the longrun

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

lamps

93. nicknames?

Clum/Clump/Clumothy and Smeef

94. favorite season?

Spring

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr probably

96. desktop background?

The master sword in the korok forest

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

two.

98. favorite historical era?

Medieval!

hooooly shit that was long

[maggieminordesignssculpture-blog]

How to Get out of a Rut...and Start a Cycle of Positivity

Are you in a rut? Do you feel like you just keep repeating the same day over and over again? Well, I totally get it. I've been there!

But the good news is that you're reading this post so that means that on some level you're ready for change. So take a minute and congratulate yourself. Few people take this step.

Let's get started.....

The first thing to understand is that a rut is a cycle in itself. For example if you hate your job like I used to. You get up in the morning with a sense of dread. This dread grows as you get closer to work. I can remember having to literally stop outside of the door to my work and take a few deep breathes before I could even walk through the door. The only reason I didn't turn around and run for the hills is because I felt like I had no way out. I had become so beat down by the toxic environment of my job that my sense of self worth had eroded...to the point where I didn't even think that any healthy organization would want to hire me. So instead of looking for another job when I got home I would just go home fix a nice meal and zone out through television or projects around my house....and then get up the next morning and start all over again. I felt like zombie.

It took being betrayed by a co-worker for me to have a wake-up call....and for me to realize that the situation had nothing to do with me except that I was buying into it. I can clearly remember sitting in my boss's boss's office and listening to my co-worker just stab me in the back. I walked out of that office so angry and indignant that the Voice (you know the one that tells you the truth) said, "You're better than this...you're better than these people."

So How do you Stop Buying into the Rut? 

Well, you start by making small changes that change your cycle of thought from one of hopelessness to one of positive thinking and an expectation of positive outcomes...and I recommend starting with a fabulous test...

The Do I Give a Shit Test

One of the first things that I started doing after my break through was to regularly put things in my everyday life through the "Do I give a Shit?" test. For example, I remember a co-worker asking me if I wanted to participate in the annual company Christmas skit show...I remember pausing and asking myself, "Do I give a Shit about this Skit Show?" and the answer was ..."No, I don't give a Shit. In fact, I think its a drain on my energy and I'd rather do pretty much anything else." So I said aloud, "No. I have a deadline." In fact, I ended up having a cold the day of the show anyway....I think my body was telling me how much I really didn't want to be at the show. So next time you feel that knot in your chest before you're going to do something ask yourself, "Do I really give a Shit about this?" If the answer is no then don't do it...and if you can't get out of it visualize yourself doing something you love when you are at the event in those down moments. Those visualizations will start to work into your subconscious and give you sparks of hope. 

On the other hand, when the answer is yes...you have something positive to focus on...or to work on improving.

Start Using Basic Affirmations

If you've poked around in the personal growth arena even just a little bit I'm sure you've run into multiple posts about affirmations. Now I know from experience that when you're in the darkest places of a rut your reaction might very well be "F*^#% Affirmations! Those are for people whose lives like look like Disney Moments." How do I know this...well, because that was my reaction. The thought that my life could change from chanting a bunch of words in the morning sounded as far fetched as Tinkerbell coming into my room, sprinkling fairy dust on me, and magically making my life change. So if you're in this camp here's what I recommend. Start by telling yourself throughout the day that "my life can be different." Because you may be like I was....you're so far in the rut that you have no idea what you want...you just know that you want out. So tell yourself "my life can be different" and I swear little by little you'll start to come out of the fog.

For those of you a little further along in the process I recommend one of Michael Bernard Beckwith's favorite ones...and now one of my favorites..."I am open to more good than I have ever experienced before in my life."

Change the Music you Listen to

Music can have a huge effect on our mood. We might think of it as more of a cultural experience sometimes but its really very primal. So put away your Linkin Park or Nine Inch Nails...and find something more positive. Now, I'm not saying that you have to put on show tunes or cheesy pop music....don't put on something that feels fake. Just start being aware of how your music makes you feel and what the lyrics are saying. Do you feel moved after you listen to it? Do you feel hopeful? Does it allow you to picture yourself in a more positive place? Does it make me want to sing along...or even better yet smile?

Listen to Thoughtful Podcasts

I love podcasts. They're not for everyone, but I definitely recommend downloading some and listening to them on your commute or while you go about your day. They've certainly been a huge influence in my own transition from a huge life rut to a cycle of positivity. Here's some that I recommend:

Untamed Yourself

Tony Robbins

Super Soul Sunday

Marie Forleo

Lewis Howes

Chase Jarvis

 Change up your Surroundings

You may not be able to make major changes in your life right away...for example change jobs or fully disentangle yourself from a toxic relationship, but you can change what you look at everyday. What we look at has a huge impact on our subconscious and there are certain walls or views that are in our line of vision for the majority of the day. For most of us this is the area around our work station, our line of vision from our couch and the wall that we look at before we turn out the lights and go to sleep.

First, download my worksheet, Feed a Cycle of Positivity Worksheet.....even if the title seems a little peppy to you right now:). Work the steps. Start with closing your eyes and slowly breathing in and out three times. Make sure that your lungs fill up completely before you exhale. Once you feel calmer, open your eyes and think list five emotions that you want to feel when you are in each of the three above places. Then work through the steps doing one room at a time. 

I recommend scheduling about 3 hours every weekend for the rooms in your home and going into work about an hour when its quiet to make the changes to your office (unless you have a home office of course). If you need some ideas or recommendations during the process, check out my room designs.

For office spaces you may run into regulations that prevent you from putting up too many things in your space or you simply may not want your colleagues to see your changes and think something is up. I totally get it. If this is you, think about some crafty ways to bring some positivity to your space. For example, placing an affirming quote inside a draw on your desk so you see it every time you open it. I did this before I left my old job. It helped a lot and gave me some much needed strength as I went about my day. 

Once you are done. Give yourself a couple of weeks and let the changes soak in. 

Anytime that you feel yourself backsliding ground yourself in one of the above activities or a visual queue (aka positive anchor) in your home or office to get back into a cycle of positivity.

If you're looking for one on one support in the process of transforming your home or office I love working with people like you. So if you're ready to take the next step then contact me and set up a virtual or in-person appointment. Click here to learn more about the process.

For More Inspirational Artwork and Design Ideas

Visit my modern sculpture, modern wall sculptures, abstract canvas artwork, and abstract framed wall art pages. And click on more inspirational posts...

How to Feel more Connected to your Home

How to Declutter for Better Relationships

How to Use Artwork to Make Eating Even More Enjoyable

How the Right Office Decor can Focus your Mindset

How Waking up to Colorful Artwork can Improve your Day

How to Create a Sophisticated Loft Living Room with Oversized Artwork

How to Create a Colorful Loft Living Room with Vibrant Artwork

How to Create a Fabulous Modern Loft Living Room with Oversized Artwork

How to Create a Beautiful Modern Rustic Bedroom

How to Create a Glamorous and Cheerful Modern Bedroom

How to Create a Fabulous Blue Modern Living Room

How a Colorful Home can Make you Bolder

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