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kitkat2cats · 4 years ago

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2017 – 2018

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On 12 October 2017 Dear Elgar, I think you are too young to realise that humans are not as well adapted as we felines. They do not seem to have our ability to just let go and curl up and sleep. They mainly seem to sleep when it is dark. Poor things, I think it’s because their eyes are not as good as ours.You must be aware that if you want her to go on serving you let her have a good night’s sleep. I speak from experience. Purrs from Quintus.

13 Oct 2017 Dea-purr Quintus she says I is to say thank you for your email even though I felt you were tellings mes offs. Iz gets excited when zshe turns overs in bedz – I think she mights swant zto tickle my belly so I goes ands nuzzles her, somesztimes she pulls my next sto herz which makes me purrrrrrrrrrrrr lotz, butz Iz sdnont understands whys shes cross wiv me & like today at lightening ups inz the zskys wiv birdies teaszings mees she putz me out of her room nd shutsz door on me. I is cryings & puts my paws (thayz be bigg paws I haz *purrrrrrrrrr*) ins gapz under doors but she ignores me. I waz veryz sad nd I cryyd. I is confoozd I just brought her a prezant of birdzy nd she pickd meez up nd putz me outz de door! I brought zit backs again but now shez stopped me comings in. Meow, 😦 I donts understands) Mew mew meow, moarghomew Elgar xx

On 13 October 2017 Dear Elgar, I was not trying to tell you off, more just trying to make you understand that humans are rather unlike us. I’m sorry yours was so misunderstanding of you. It is hard I know. For some reason mine get narky when I get on the table. They don’t seem to realise it seems natural to me. They will spray me with water. Can’t understand why. Purrrrs and a nose rub, from Quintus.

25th Nov 2017 Dear Elgar, I hope your human is feeling a bit better. My human has thought of her lots, she has told me about her. I understand you are bigger than me. How is that for you are still not much more than a kitten?Though you do seem quite adventurous, and an expert at hunting. They do not always seem to appreciate this. They do seem to have some funny ideas, mine seem to get cross when I get on the table. It is such a good place to see will is going on, and I can even see out of the window if I face that way. She sometimes sprays me with water which I think is unnecessary, unkind. Funny things humans. Purrrrrrs to you and my aunty Muffin, and Arya, Quintus

Dearapurrr Quintus I iz understanding yous – this one had a shock last nights (purr purr purr miaowwwwwwwwwww!! So funny) I had posted a toad through the slightly blocked cat flap (I has got Muffin to type – much faster & I am licking her ears) but my hooman didn’t know until she came to lock up last night. She was squealing (I don’t think it was with delight though 😦 ) as she had to pick it up & put it out of the flap – I was watching & it kepts leaping all over the place she got it onto the cat flap door but as she tried to put it out it jumped at her – she said some words I don’t hear very often – Muffs sez it’s shwairing – it took hooman over 5 mins to get toady out the hole! I waz giggling inside so much I fellz over n my legs were in the air!

Poor you being shqirted wiv water – not nice ats all! My hooman makes a noise like a snake which I knows is bad so I always try to gets as flats as possibles as snakes are naszty thhngs . sometimes I has to run away, but so far no sprayz wiz water. I got my hooman up today at 8am (so she sez) its waz urlier az dem birdiez wer teasing me so muches.

I is off to getz more birdz I thinks – I don’ts knows waz the problemz iz about it coming ins the house to be eats – after all my others foods are INDOORS – silly hooman! Purrs n no fleas (I don’t like havings that stuff on my neck but the bittings has stopped so I gez its a goods things reeelys) Speaks soon Elgar xx *purrrrrr*

On 27 Nov 2017

Miaowy greetings Uncle Quintus

I is finally able to get my paws on hooman’s computery thing. Thank you for your writings. My hooman has been very poorly mother says & I am supposed to be keeping her warm, buts this is difficults at times as she moves me off, or says “Feet” – I knows I is meant to sits on her feet as they get cold (I never has cold feets have you?) but they are bony & she wriggles so I need to pounce, then she gets cross with me.

I sometimes worry about this thing of my hooman getting cross. Yesterday she smacked my nose! I was not happy at all with this, and the only reason was I was trying to clean out her breakfast bowl before she had finished – I don’t think I was unreasonable as she had taken HOURS to eat it…

Last night Aunty Muffin boxed my ears – I was just supporting her in keeping our hooman warm, I can’t help it if I am a bit bigger than Aunty Muffin – she needs to let ME have some room so I can be comfy shouldn’t she?

Hooman have me a deep groom this morning – she has taken her time over it! I like them every other day – but at least I has had one now. I stretched out for her, but something happened & I forgots – I puts my teeth & claws into my hooman. She put the furminator away & left the bedroom where we was. I got lonely & I still wanted my belly tickled! Such unreasonable behaviour from her at the moment.

She is also very smelly now, & has a REALLY noisy thing that she uses which makes her look like a dragon smoking (I has heard of these mystical creatures – I would like to grow up & be a dragon I think, does you know how I grows up to be a dragon?) she also coughs really loudly at times – so much so I have fallen off her legs – how is I supposed to do my “job” as foot warmer if she kicks me off?

I is in a mess here I thinks. nothing is going the way it should be. I is not worshipped – although my hooman does get me excellent food I suppose. So far she hasn’t sprayed me with the wet stuff deliberately – how bad is your hooman!?! That’s such an insult (unless you wanted some water – we does not have a table as far as I knows.

Right I has better sends this to yous before she comes back from the little room. Aunty Muffin is now sitting where I WANT TO SIT. It is just NOT FAIR! I is the biggest, bestest & only boy cat – surely they should treats me the bests? I is still only a baby in age.

I found a small squeaky thing outside – but it had a pointed nose – my hooman says its a shrew – & that it wouldn’t make good eatings – she knows about stuff like that so I left it on the mat in the kitchen for her. She didn’t say thank you. it’s all too confoosing for me.

Am I at the worst home ever?

sadly love Elgar xXx

28th Nove 2017 Purrrs Elgar, That was a good piece you sent. I will try to answer your questions First I don’t think your home is bad. There are many worse I understand, where you are not fed well and can be shut out when you want to go in. Humans are funny strange animals. They do odd things like getting wet all over in a thing called a bath, but seem to be almost afraid of rain. I don’t like rain much myself but it is natural.

My human tortured me the other day and said it was for my own good. First I was wound up in a towel, and held by the other human in my house, but I got free, cos I’m strong, but it was no use for the door and window was shut so they got me again. So undignified, I think I deserve more respect. Some fur was cut on my neck and some horrible stinging stuff put on. I got out as soon as the window was opened after I had given her a killing look, and almost decided not to go back but I got hungry.

I am training her, I just look at the food in my dish but I will only eat it if she adds some of my treats, this way I get a few extra, which is good. She says I will get too fat and already looking fatter. It’s only my winter fur is thick, I don’t have to put on funny clothes and she puts on on lots if it is cold then SHE is fat. I guess your human is in a funny mood because she is not well. I would not leave until she is better, if she is still odd then you could visit me, I hope things improve soon. Purrrs , Quintus

On 29 November 2017 Dear Elgar,Your message was very kind, but really my humans are not really that bad, and I am still training them. I have always plenty of dry food available, and water to drink, though I prefer the water that is outside. I too get treats every evening, and have trained her to give me extra sometimes.

I don’t usually sleep on my humans bed, but do sometimes. I prefer to be where I can roam as she keeps her door shut at night. At the moment my favourite place is a chair half way up the stairs. I can keep an eye on what is happening, though this cold weather makes me sleepy. Today I only went out for short times.

I have not heard about this dreadful monster but maybe I will stay in, especially she says it will be freezing tonight. Even with my thick fur I can not like that much cold. I am glad your human is a bit better. I think you are all looking after her very nicely. Just remember not to wake her up. Many purrrrrs to you, Quintus.

2nd December 2017 Dear Elgar, You send very good letters. Thanks. Presents are things that you give or receive. The food you sent me was a present, sometimes to make things complicated it is called a gift. Humans seem to like having different words for the same thing. Very odd. I still have a little of your special food for it is given to r almost like a great, though more than a great. It sounds fun that you search for yours. Mine are put in a special little dish. The special ones for cleaning my teeth are put there too, but at a different time. Yes, it is too cold. I usually go out lots, but I suppose staying on my chair much of the time. I think I will go out and do, but come in again very soon. I am intrigued , what is a furminator? I think you must be cleaver to hold it. I have you are kind to warm your humans bed, but I guess it is a comfortable place for you too. My human has a cold but she thinks it is almost better, so maybe she will see you on Monday. Purrrr from Quintus, and to Aunty. Muffin and your mother too.

6th December 2017 Purrs Elgar, I am sorry your human is unhappy. I hope she is feeling better today. I nudged my human and she weighed me. She says I am 12lbs, but our scales are not as good as yours. We will try again. My last letter was a bit funny. Maybe the cold does not suit me! I know I have been indoors much more than usual. Fresh air is good for my thinking. (But not too cold).I hope Aunty Muffin is more happy . I s she sick too or just worried about your human. My human says yours has got pneumonia. Perhaps it’s called that because it makes them feel moany. Is yours moany or just sad? Please give Aunty Muffin a nose rub from me, and of course to you. Lots of purrs, Quintus

Oooh Elgar, what do you think of this white stuff they call snow? When I was a kitten I liked to play in it, but this morning I only stayed out briefly, It is still snowing and the trees look as if they are dressed in white, though I am going to curl up on my chair soon. A time called Christmas will be here soon I think. Maybe you will get a present then. I was given a funny mouse like thing but it was not alive, but it had a wonderful scent, which made me play with it as if it was alive. The humans have more things but I liked the paper and ribbon best, and there can be a useful box. They do odd things like put a tree inside and then hang things on it. I thought these were for playing with, but my human says NO! She was very cross when I tried to claim the . (But that was when I was a kitten). I still play with the hanging things when there is no-one there, though usually they shut the door. I don’t think you should try to climb the indoor tree if you have one as I think you would be too heavy for it. I look forward to hearing your you. Purrrrrrs to Aunty Muffin and your mother, and a nose rub to you. Quintus.

10th December 2017 Dear Uncle Quintus Thank yous got your letter. It is very cold outside isn’t it? Mother, Aunty Muffin & I stayed with our hooman for a Very long time – she didn’t go to sleep very early – not su/purrre why, but she’s kept us all up until about birdie time – but I waz on her lap downstairs whilst she was awake so I go so many cuddles that I ignored the birds & we all slept in until this afternoon. Hooman is cross with herself for not sleeping at what she thinks are the right times to sleep – I don’t understand this as any time is a good time for 40winks! I has been better behaved & have been rewarded for it – so until it becomes boring I will carry on – last night I was chasing treats all around her bedroom! The girls were boring on the bed eating their pile so delicately! Pooh girls are silly! I think it is much more fun to chase my bits of treats – sometimes I miss a bit & find it later!

Hooman wants to know how much of my special food you have left? She said something about presents – which I am confused about a bit – but I think you will get some for your present. I tried to help her do some drawing yesterday – but it seems my paws are just a bit too wide to hold a pencil – I can hold the furminator and it remove some loose fur around my face – I is very clever to do this – neither of the girls can do it! I’m off upstairs to preheat the bed – hee hee what she doesn’t see she can’t worry about! miaory purrs – Keep Warm Elgar XXX

Dear Elgar,

I think you are too young to realise that humans are not as well adapted as we felines. They do not seem to have our ability to just let go and curl up and sleep. They mainly seem to sleep when it is dark. Poor things, I think it’s because their eyes are not as good as ours.

You must be aware that if you want her to go on serving you let her have a good night’s sleep.

I speak from experience.

Purrs from Quintus

These are letters from Quintus son of Tinto, sister of Muffin. Q is the 5th kit in her litter. He chose to reply to a kitten called Elgar(son of Arya) who was very confused about Humans (hoomans). Their letters span several years 2017 - 2018 On 12 October 2017 Dear Elgar, I think you are too young to realise that humans are not as well adapted as we felines.

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some-mad-lunge · 5 years ago

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Nov 30 - The Day A Legend Was Born

What can I say about @peoplediedrobert / @bisexualalienblast that would ever do her justice? I feel like I’ve known her forever, one of my best friends and favourite humans. My petty partner. My wife.

She takes the time to interact with everyone and anyone in fandom that reaches out to her. She’s giving and kind (though she’d never admit it). She is hilarious and intelligent. She has helped me become a better version of myself for which I am eternally grateful.

On top of it all she’s a kickass wife, a loving mom to her adorable babies and she works so hard everyday. No seriously y’all, you have no idea. She works SO HARD. She’s never had anything handed to her and she never lets that keep her down. She is strong, vibrant and the kind of woman we hope all our daughters become.

I can’t wait for more adventures with her and @illgetmerope. I look forward to old age as we sit in rockers on a front porch, drinking and talking trash. I don’t ever want to not have her light in my life.

Happy 29th Birthday Amanda.

I love you. Absolutely. Just the way you are.

My offering to you in celebration is probably the most niche thing I will ever write. I hope you enjoy it.

His Cowboy - A Michael Guerin/Tyler Seguin PWP

He was sure he wasn’t as drunk as he felt, but the moment Michael’s lips touched his, tongue hot and scalding in his mouth, Tyler suddenly felt dizzy. And hard, the painful kind that made him whimper when Michael pressed him against the door. He knocked the ridiculously hot cowboy hat off Michael’s head without thinking and grabbed a fistful of curls to anchor himself. It was that or just slide to the floor in a melted heap. He chased those lips when they pulled away, annoyed that his body still required oxygen when his dick had other ideas.

“You don’t want the hat to stay on?” It was a growl in Tyler’s ear, and this time the whimper did escape. For a second Tyler wondered if Michael was even real, because hook ups could be hot but they were never this good. Must be something about the New Mexico sun.

When he walked into the small out-of-the-way place, sex with a stranger had been the last thing on his mind. He was travel-weary and annoyed at the thought of another night in a hotel bed. He missed his dog and his own sheets. He changed his mind as soon as he noticed the cowboy leaning against the bar like a wet dream, playing with the neck of his beer bottle as he surveyed the room.

Tyler would have to be blind not to notice that he was attractive but given the kind of place they were in he didn’t expect to be able to do anything other than look. That was until those eyes locked with his for just a second, then darted quickly to Tyler’s lips before glancing away.

It was enough for him to make his way over, after a beer or two to get up the nerve, and slide onto the stool next to him. Tyler wanted to know his name, he wanted to know what his voice sounded like.

Tyler took in the handsome profile before he finally whispered, “Howdy.”

Those eyes turned to him, they were dark but the smirk on those lips told him he’d made the right decision.

“I’m Tyler.”

He felt like a school kid instead of an All Star NHL player, especially when the cowboy ignored the hand Tyler offered for a shake and turned to look out at the half-filled bar. There was a god-awful song playing and somewhere a woman was cackling in a high pitched voice. For a brief moment he thought he was getting the brush off until he heard “Michael” before the cowboy finished the last of his beer in one long sip.

He debated his next move. Dropping his sports celebrity status wouldn’t work with this one, that much was clear. He resisted the urge to flex his arm muscles, especially when Michael seemed to be admiring his tattoos. He decided to go for a corny pickup line, see if he could make the cowboy laugh when he was surprised once again.

Michael had a sinful voice, made even more so when he leveled Tyler with a heated look and simply said, “So, your place or mine?”

Tyler’s hotel was around the corner and he sort of stuttered the words out and getting to his feet. He didn’t look to see if Michael followed him, he knew he would, hoped he would.

They were silent on the short walk, air thick in the elevator, and he started to wonder if this was a good idea as he slid his keycard into the lock. Michael was tempting but Tyler had never been one for the silent type before. All thoughts of calling it off vanished as soon as the door opened and Michael shoved him up against the wall, Tyler unable to do anything but open his mouth to the assault and give in.

Michael was full of surprises, but so was Tyler, and he needed to get both of his heads in the game as it were. A sharp press of teeth to his earlobe had him grabbing for Michael’s belt, using the buckle as an anchor as he pushed them the few feet to the bed. He pulled his cowboy in for another kiss as he toed out of his shoes, less coordinated than he’d like to be.

He was keyed up, rough hands sliding under his shirt, blunt fingernails against his abs. If the groan Michael poured into the kiss was anything to go by, he liked what he found.

It emboldened Tyler, suddenly desperate to prove something, even though he wasn’t entirely sure what. Michael bit Tyler’s lip hard as he pulled away, his shirt up and off before he could blink.

Michael’s mouth was scalding on his chest, teeth grazing, tongue leaving a trail of heat that had Tyler clenching his hands into Michael’s shirt. He shoved at the fabric, needing to feel the skin beneath. He wanted to know if Michael’s body was as fascinating as he'd imagined it had to be. No one was that confidant without the goods to back it up.

Finally he changed tactics, nudging Michael until he was sitting on the bed, lips wet and eyes heavy. He still had that smirk on his face and Tyler decided right then and there what his mission for the night was.

To wipe that smug look right off.

“Shirt.” Tyler made it a command, not a request. Michael seemed like he would argue for a minute until Tyler dropped to his knees before him. He made quick work of the belt, let his fingers dip just a little, brush against soft skin and hair. He looked up to see Michael’s head thrown back, his hands grasping into the thick duvet.

Tyler decided to be a little cruel, nuzzling his nose into the straining zipper and letting the thrill of Michael’s low groan send shivers up his spine. He continued the slow trace, his hands making quick work of removing the cowboy’s boots. When that was finished he slid his hands up Michael’s thighs and squeezed his fingers as he went.

Rough hands grabbed his face, pulled him up into a bruising kiss. He lost himself to it, Michael sucking on his tongue, dragging them both until they were flat on the bed.

The cowboy was a warm weight beneath him, hands already snaking up his back, curling in. Tyler let Michael lead at first, tempted to let himself fall into that mouth over and over again. Until their hips met in a perfect rhythm and he realized this could all be over before it began if he wasn’t careful.

He pulled back, waited until Michael opened his eyes. They were beautiful, brown and rich, and eager. They smiled at each other for a second, a sincere moment as hot hands ran teasingly up and down Tyler’s arms that braced him above.

He dipped his head to kiss at the underside of Michael’s chin, teasing and soft. Let his mouth explore against dark stubble. Michael stretched himself out below him, offered himself up for Tyler to take.

The dip at the base of Michael’s throat, the curve of his chest and the hard planes of his stomach, Tyler couldn’t get enough of it, or the sounds his cowboy made. Desperate and primal but without words, or at least not coherent enough for him to make out.

Tyler just wanted his mouth one place and finally it was before him. He looked up again, and this time Michael’s eyes never left his. Not when Tyler unzipped the annoying jeans, not when his hand moved aside the offending underwear, not until he finally got to look his fill.

It had been a long while since he’d done this, and suddenly he was eager. He didn’t bother to tease, just licked the salty tip before taking that beautiful dick into his mouth. It was the perfect weight on his tongue, he moaned around it when Michael’s hand dug into his hair and pulled gently.

He lost himself to it, enjoying the sounds he pulled from his cowboy when he swirled around the head, the way he had to hold Michael’s hips down with his arm and stop him from chasing his pleasure to quickly.

“Christ, don’t you dare st...”

At those broken words Tyler gave one last stroke of his tongue before releasing Michael from his mouth. He grabbed at the denim, pulled it down and off Michael’s legs before crawling back up and demanding another kiss.

Michael was grumbling into his mouth, hands needy and digging painfully into Tyler’s ass. He just kept kissing him, wet and open and dirty. He debated staying like that a long while until hot hands slid into the front of his jeans.

He hissed, had to bury his face into Michael’s neck as a calloused hand wrapped around him. He bucked into it wantonly, desperately, gasping with every twist over the head, precum slicking them both.

“You better have stuff.” Michael gave a squeeze with his words, making sparks flash behind Tyler’s closed eyes.

“Yeah, yeah...drawer.”

He was unceremoniously bucked off, flat on his back he wiggled out of his jeans and kicked them off just as a condom landed on his chest. He glanced at Michael who was already dribbling lube onto his fingers. He caught Tyler watching him, that smirk back on his face. It stayed there, and Tyler could have sworn there was a twinkle in the man’s eyes as he flung his leg over and straddled Tyler in a somehow graceful move.

It lined their cocks up perfectly, Michael rocking his hips as he leaned back, fingers dipping in behind. All Tyler could do was grip at Michael’s thighs and hold on.

“Are you sure?” Tyler grunted it out of clenched teeth. He wanted to, fuck did he want to, but he wasn’t about to assume.

Michael let out a gasp above him, working backwards on his own fingers. The pleasure on his face a moment Tyler wanted to imprint in his memory, bottle it up for long road trips as he slept in another hotel bed. Wanted to imagine his cowboy and how he rode.

“You complaining?” Michael’s words were breathy, but he still locked eyes with Tyler, cocked an eyebrow.

“Fuck no.”

The bastard actually winked at him, slapping his free hand on Tyler’s chest where the condom lay. He hated how his fingers fumbled to grasp it, his hips still bucking up, his dick chasing every move Michael made.

“Come on, fuck just…” Michael’s words were lost as he let out a shudder, he fingers digging into Tyler’s inked skin.

He didn’t know how he got the condom on honestly, but then in a flash Michael was up and sinking down. Tight heat squeezing the life out of both of them.

Tyler froze, waited until Michael let out a calming breath and leaned down to lick across Tyler’s lips. Then he opened those brown eyes and whispered words Tyler knew he would remember for the rest of his life.

“Time to ride.”

It was an assault on his senses. Michael rose and Tyler held on. It was like chasing a high when you were already drugged. Finally he had to grasp at the headboard, stretch his chin to the ceiling and swear to the sky. He was rewarded with hands on his thighs, a new angle that had him seeing stars.

Tyler bent his legs, got leverage to meet thrust for thrust. He was close, he could taste it and he needed his cowboy right there with him. He pushed himself up, pulled their lips together as he wrapped his fingers around Michael to get him there.

It was fast and there was sweat running into his eyes but he couldn’t look away. Michael was gorgeous, panting into the space between them, chasing the end just as much as Tyler was.

Then it happened, a mess in his fingers and Michael wrapped around him so tight he could do nothing else but fall.

When he came back to himself his muscles ached, in that delicious way that came after a winning game. Where he could either sleep for a year or dance all night. But first he had to relearn to breathe.

Michael was flopped beside him, arm over his eyes and a gorgeous sheen of sweat drying on his sun kissed skin. Tyler had enough thought to tie off the used condom and grab a hand towel he’d stashed in the bedside table for such a purpose. He tossed it on Michael’s chest and closed his eyes.

When he opened them again he was laying on his side, half covered in a blanket and the cowboy’s form silently redressing in soft lamp light. Tyler’s dick started to harden again, but he could tell Michael was probably a one and done kind of man.

As if he could read Tyler’s thoughts Michael looked his way and offered him what seemed to be an apologetic smile.

“Sorry I fell asleep.” He might have been worn out but he didn’t want to be rude. Michael had just fucked his brains out, he deserved some consideration.

The cowboy just shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair and perched his hat back on his curls.

“Don’t worry about it. I take it as a compliment.”

Tyler smiled, surprised when Michael leaned over him and placed a soft kiss to his lips. Then he pulled back, walking backwards towards the door and leaving Tyler’s life with nothing but some damn good memories.

“Well, I have a new appreciation for cowboys.” Tyler leaned his head on his hand, tried to look memorable. Hoped Michael would think of him now and then.

His cowboy just tipped his hat, shot Tyler a wink and grabbed the doorknob. He stopped for a second and turned back around.

“And I just might start watching hockey.” With his trademark smirk he was out the door and gone. Tyler could only blink as the door shut, and then he dropped his head to his pillow and laughed.

#HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE #I love you #always #Shauna's niche fic #I don't know how to tag this #michael guerin #tyler sequin #do they have a ship name?#myler?#Guerquin?#beware the smut!

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journalofasadperson · 5 years ago

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journel

I had another journal before this and i typed in it. but i have no idea if i should post it because of how harsh it sounds. i say a lot of swear words so like....

keep reading at your own discretion

tw self-harm,death,among many other things

2:56 September 14 2019

I really want to use the machete. And no! It’s not for cutting my self you sick bastard. Like I think about it, but it doesn’t mean I will do it . I hate when people assume things and assume I don’t have self control and that I am just “crazy”. I WONT DO IT JESUS CHRIST I CAN HEAR YOUR THINKING FROM HERE :< I want to use it for fun!! Like cutting plants! (More like weeds) it’s fun clearing things out

I think mum is trying to make feel better about eating watermelon with my mouth here in Peru

Damn not remembering must suck. But then again if I lost certain memories I wouldn’t mind.

I like the country side more. Hunting would be fun as long as the ecosystem needs it. Though I still wouldn’t kill bears :< it’s too sad. Unless they really are hurting others.

Ha ha oh ya the phone has destroyed everything :, ) lmao it has completely destroyed everything. And aw yes science going ahead and further is making more corruption. Aw yaaaaa 🙄🙄🙄 this guy I swear.

At this point I have been quiet for so long. This is the quietest I have ever been. I feel very mute. If I start talking no one will listen to what I say because of age and all that bullshit.

The people are nice. Very caring :). There are just certain things we don’t agree on.

Coming back to the city - 7:29pm same day

5:28 September 21

Going to go home at midnight! I talked to the mama and she was super sad. Talking about how she is forgetting things. I wonder if that will happen to me?

8:25 in Salvador (high up in the air) sept 22

So I saw a big burly man hugging his stuff animal (dog), rippoff Justin biber, and discounted Jesus. (also a latino version of captain sparkles)

2:25 pm in US,Seattle, Oct. 25

well, hello cool area! I am back to typing on this note. Because i am still sad as fuck. Or something. I can’t tell the difference. I’m just really.fucking.tired. I want to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I want to sleep forever... you know I can see how my past self wanted to kill myself. I know most of my friends don’t feel indifferent but you know. When you are like this you think the opposite. I feel a lot of love from my best friends though. A few people from discord. I can’t wait to go to school next week. I want to get out of this fucking hell hole. I think I’m going non verbal. Which fucking sucksSUCCCKKKKKS! But oh well. I wonder if my brother cares at all. Like I know he does. But I guess not the yelling part sense I am 17. Gee thanks bro. I hate getting yelled at. I am very sick of it. I wished I did die. But I don’t want too. I just want to not get yelled at for being “stupid” or for being a “dumbass” but hey at least grandma and Ramiro don’t yell at me. I hate this feeling. I thought the whole yelling at me and telling me she was going to hit me would be gone by now. You know?? She only hit me once. And too used yell at me all the time. That’s why I hated middle school for a period... it fucking sucked, I hated going back home. I am always anxious. Like... can I even sit??? Or something? And they tell me you are being lazy or not doing things you should be doing. I should be doing something with the house or some shit. I get it bro, maintaining a house is fucking hard. I never said it was easy. FUCK nothing is easy and I hate how they think I think it’s easy. Of course fucking not. You think I am that inept. That I don’t care? Well fucking news flash! I do. This is why I have voices in my head ladies and gentlemen and non-binary lovelies! They remind me to do things and talk to me through things. They are very helpful at times. I should have stayed depressed... Maybe then I would be oh so fucking helpful. I need to get this out. Thank god for notes in my phone. Thank god for my phone in general. I would have died earlier with out it. Getting info on what self harm is and seeking communities for comfort is great. And learning is better on here anyways. So ya, fuck you.

10:53 am Oct 26

Mum said people would leave me if I am not more considerate. Aka better :) and love me haha.

I keep having nightmares

11:23 am

I am not feeling great. I am thinking suicidal again. I don’t like it. Every time I look at mom I get nervous..... I haven’t taken my meds.

Just took them. Maybe that why I am happier. Because I blocked out all those times she has yelled at me and belittled me. I don’t like remembering that.

...footsteps scare me

But anyways! Thank god for the meds! Helps me forget some of this shit! :)

(I know that’s not good but like what else I’m I supposed to do)

I can’t to go to LA and spend the rest of my life there. I want to live with my best friends! And have fun and not get yelled at!

11:48

Forget anything I said. I am going to forget and pretend none of this ever happened.

So I woke up! And I had nightmares! But that’s okay because I got to sleep in a little bit more! And I can’t wait to bake and me and my grandma are going to spend time together! :D and my mum is going to go with my brother!

10:32PM Oct. 28 2019

My old roommate Don epfaniyo came by. Got beaten up really fucking good. They kicked him, scratched him and punched him. He went to the hospital last night. Went there at 9:00PM? He said the fight started at 9:00PM. Probably the fight didn’t last that long. But fuck. He is not doing so hot right now. Both of his eyes are red and his skin looked like he was skidded on the pavement. They (don Carlos/epfaniyo and right now my roommate who is about to leave) are joking around. Glad they can still laugh, but that also means they are used to it. I hope his in law can find peace in his soul.

5:07pm Oct. 29 2019

Finished a doc appointment. It was super weird though. The nice pregnant lady kept asking me questions, like a lot of questions. Like if I was being abused at home or if I felt safe at home/ with myself. I wonder if I do look worse for wear... she was super nice though :) I’m glad I talked to her she didn’t judge me at all. I wish she was always my doctor. She asked me about my mental health and how I was doing at school. To be honest I don’t know if I lied. I tried my best to talk to her though. I have been having urges to kill myself I told her but I reassured her I wouldn’t because I have people that care about me. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want to die to be honest. I just want too move out and get more help. I want to explore more :) I can’t wait to leave. The next days will be tough because I won’t have my meds... first time I am without my meds. I don’t think things are going to go super good. But it’s going to be okay :D

7:38pm Nov 9

I guess I can’t fuck up with paco either. I get scolded for almost throwing up at his poop. And sneered at me saying “you can put away the bags right? You won’t vomit then?” Like geez woman I’m sorry I’m learning. Paco has been coughing a lot. And I don’t really wanna play because he has a fuck ton of more energy then me. He deserves a better family to be honest. Mum wanted this and I went along cause I wanted to give paco a good home and I thought maybe if he came things would get better. But why do I lie to myself.

God,maybe I am a fuck up.

9:10pm Nov 11

I feel like fucking shit. To be honest I don’t even know how to breathe some days and when I go to therapy I forget I was sad and not lie, but forget to write down I am wanting to die. I want to break everything I own and die. How can I function when my mum wants to tell me what do. Oh sorry forgetting about time because to me TIME IS NONEXISTNET FUCK YOU.I DONT HATE YOU I JUST DON’T SEE YOU ANYMORE

I wonder if this is why people kill themselves. Do I hate myself? I don’t I do. Logically its not my fault. I think anyways

Paco is being cute though. He is a nice distraction. GOD I hate that Carla was right about keeping a journal. Oh I forgot to mention abby is not interested in me. Which gives me so much closure! (I had no idea what her feelings were so like I do I proceed thy friendship lmao)I am thankful for having good friends. I just wish I didn’t see everyone like npc though. I feel like they are npc because I don’t know. I am glad paco is here, he lights up the place even though he poops EVERYWHERE. lol. Anyways I keep hearing the voices sometimes really strong other times I feel like going crazy. Like actual crazy none of that fake shit. Like fuck man. I go into this mind palace and force all my frustration there.i am allowed to go crazy I am allowed to scream and walk around the streets singing/dancing/talking to myself.its fun I am allowed to break bottles and walk around with my mother worrying about me. She is not there in that plane she is at home not worrying about me.

The song of the day Good day by BTS

Keep fighting

#personal journel #journalncj

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everlarkbirthdaygifts · 6 years ago

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Happy Birthday, jbsaucy!

Today, we wish a Happy belated Birthday to @jbsaucy! We hope you had a wonderful day back on Nov 16, and celebrated in style. To bring the Birthday feels back around, @ally147writes has written a story just for you!

AN: I am so sorry for the delay, @jbsaucy! The ending would just not cooperate with me at all! I took your soulmates au prompt, then found a wonderfully extensive list of soulmate scenarios on one of those OTP prompt blogs on here, and picked one that really tickled me to write - I hope you’ll like it, too, even if it does get a tad dramatic in the middle :)

Unedited and unbeta’d - please forgive any glaring errors.

Katniss

Cool

The plants growing on the trellises on either side of the garden path reach out to her with tiny, curling trails. Not enough to be a hindrance, Katniss thinks as she kicks another tendril off her ankle, but to play. The plants never respond this well to her. That’s more Prim’s thing. They tug at the end of her braid and curl around her fingers. Some tear the ripe fruits from their vines and hold them out to her until she sees fit to take them. Kind of cute, maybe, if she gave a crap.

“Uh, thanks?”

She stows the plants’ offerings in her satchel bag, alongside the rest of the herbs she foraged from the nearby woods, and trudges up the path towards the small cottage she shares with Prim. A steady plume of smoke billows from the chimney. Lavender, vetivert, and chamomile; a sleeping potion Prim often prescribes her patients.

She yawns as soon as she steps inside. Has Prim’s sleeping concoction always been so strong?

“How’d you go?” Prim calls from the kitchen.

“Fine, I guess. I found the wild strawberries you were after.” She kicks her boots off near the door and makes her way into the kitchen. “The plants are friendly today.”

“Really? They were kind of quiet when I was—” Prim looks up from her slow, constant stirring, glances out the garden-facing kitchen window, and drops her ladle with a splash. “— Holy crap, Katniss! What did you do to them?”

“What, nothing!” Katniss scrambles to her sister’s side and follows her gaze. The plants are triple the size they were when she walked up the path, greener and lusher and laden with fruit. Even as she stares at them, some seem to be growing even more, right before her eyes. In the space of seconds, a vine of tiny, green cherry tomatoes grows to size and bloom a bright, cheery red. The flower bed where Prim cultivates the most requested medicinal plants overflows with colour and scent Katniss can pick up form behind the window glass.

“I didn’t do anything to them,” she says again. “They don’t even like me that much!”

Prim lets out a little laugh and wipes her hands on a small towel hanging over her shoulder. “I wish they did that for me. I reckon I could have been waiting forever for the pinkroot to bloom, but still. Was it like this in the woods, too?”

Katniss shakes her head. “I don’t think so. Not that I was really looking back, though. A lot of animals were following me, too.”

“I bet if you went back out there now, there’d be overgrowth all over the path you took.”

She leans a little further, over the stove, towards the window. The plants seem to grow a little faster with the gap just barely narrowed. The warm scents of the potion billows over her, and her eyes dip. Her grip on the edge of the bench goes slack. It’s warm… so warm… “Yeah…” she slurs. “Maybe.”

“Hey, what are you — What the fluff! Katniss, get back!” Prim cries. With surprisingly strong hands, she shoves Katniss out of the kitchen into the small hallway. Katniss lands flat on her back on the firm, unyielding stone floor, more wide awake than ever, and watches as Prim scurries for the lid to slam atop the overflowing pot. The pot Katniss almost just fell in. She furrows her brow; the contents of that pot weren’t so much as simmering before, were they?

“Jeez, Kat.” Prim holds out a hand and pulls Katniss back to her feet. “Are you all right?”

“I’m okay, I think.”

“What did you do?” Prim breathes.

“I don’t know?” she says, though it sounds more like a question. “I just… it wasn’t boiling like that before, was it?”

“No! I simmer it down to half its volume before boiling so it doesn’t make a mess. You know, like it just did!” Prim sighs and wipes the spilled with the edge of her apron. “It shouldn’t have hit you so hard so soon, though, and definitely not just by smell. What is up with your magic today?”

“I don’t know!” She buries her fisted hands in her trouser pockets. “It’s never… the only time it’s ever been this weird is when I was little.”

“Ooh, maybe you’re about to meet them!” Prim says, nudging Katniss with her bony elbow.

She scowls. “Meet who?”

“Your soulmate, silly! Your magic’s gone haywire; that only happens when they’re close.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“And when you meet,” Prim goes on dreamily, “your magic will escape from you in a burst of colour to twine with theirs, binding your souls together forever.” She sighs; Katniss fights the urge to gag. “So beautiful.”

“You actually believe that crap?” Katniss lets out a barking laugh. “There hasn’t been a confirmed pair of soulmates in centuries, if there ever was at all.”

“Well, if it’s not your soulmate — and you’re no fun at all, by the way — you’re probably just coming down with the flu.” Prim wrinkles her nose. “I’ll brew you something, just in case.”

“Medicine or bottled pheromones?”

“At this rate, I think either would cure you.”

Prim sighs again and stares down at the pot, the remains of the potion now a thick, gloopy mess stuck to the bottom. “There’s no more vetivert left to make more.”

“Want me to go to the apothecary and get some?”

Prim quirks a brow at her. “In your state? You sure that’s a good idea?”

“Can’t get any worse than staying here, right?”

“But what if your soulmate gets any closer? You’d be a danger to yourself and everyone else.”

“I’m sure it’s just a cold, Prim.”

“In any case…” Prim darts out of the kitchen and down the stairs to the small cellar where all her potions are kept in carefully labelled bottles in neat, orderly rows. Katniss follows a few steps behind, and as soon as she reaches the final step, Prim shoves a small, blue bottle in her hands.

“You should drink this first,” she says before Katniss can say anything.

She pops off the lid and sniffs it. Lemon and thyme. “What is it?”

“A suppressant,” Prim says. “Should keep your magic nicely wrapped up for the next half hour or so.”

Katniss stares between the bottle and her sister. “And that would be a good thing?”

“For the time being, I think. You won’t be able to actively cast anything, either.” Prim trails off, thoughtful. “Although, if it’s leaking out of you like this…”

Katniss snorts and tips the potion back in a single, neat motion. “I’ll be quick, then.”

Peeta

Warm

It’s not that unusual, he tells himself, his soaked arms crossed over his equally damp chest.

It’s a bakery where woodfire ovens are used every day. It’s not that far outside the realms of possibility that the fires might shoot clean through the chimney like a gigantic birthday candle. It’s a fire in a fireplace; where else is it meant to go?

It’s also not that strange that, because of said fires, the dough would rise so much and so fast that it would spill out over the sides of the bowls and land on the benchtops in soft, sticky lumps.

Or that whole batches would burns after only seconds in the oven, that yeast would literally die, and that sweat would drop off him at a rate quick enough to fill a swimming pool in seconds.

Okay, Maybe it’s a little bit weird.

There’s not even anything he can do about it. Once the dough is on the ground, not even the most thorough spell-work in the country could make Peeta think it fit to serve to the magical public. Even if he takes the breads out of the oven before they become a charred mess, the insides are still sticky and raw. And the fires? Well, the only thing he can do about that is put them out, and that’s not an option, considering they’re kept stoked by the combined efforts of the Mellark family powers.

“Er, Peeta?”

His father stands in the doorway of the kitchen, looking about as great as Peeta feels. His greying hair is matted against his head, and his jolly pink cheeks are flushed so red and his panting breaths so hard that Peeta might be concerned if he wasn’t convinced he was a mirror image.

Peeta swipes futilely at his forehead. “Yeah, Dad?”

“Do you, ah…have any idea what’s going on?”

He shakes his head; the movement makes the room spin. He clutches the edge of the bench, but his hands slip too much to gain any purchase. “I have no idea what’s going on.”

His father quirks a brow. “Peeta, if this is your magic playing up again like last week —”

“— I’m not doing this!” Peeta furrows his brows and glances at the steam rising from his hands. Were they doing that before? He thinks he would remember them doing that before. “Not… not consciously, anyway.”

His father frowns. “Are you feeling sick?”

He almost laughs. “I don’t think I’d be able to tell in here anymore.”

“Maybe you should head home, just to be on the safe side.”

“Then it’ll just be you all afternoon.”

His father waves him off. “I’ll close early. It’s not like there’s anything to sell, and that massive flame shooting out the top is certainly doing its part to keep customers out.”

Peeta waves at the sticky counters. “The cleaning, though?” God, he’s delirious. “It’s so much mess?”

His father’s eyes almost twinkle. “Are we magic, or are we magic? I’ll be fine, Peeta.”

“But I can help?”

“Peeta, the fire, and the heat, and everything else that has gone wrong with the bakery this morning only started when you arrived. Pardon my saying so, son, but I don’t particularly want any more of your help today.”

He says it all with a wry smile, which only looks a little out of place of his father’s bright red, glistening face. Peeta nods, braces himself against the edge of the bench once more, and pulls the apron from around his head.

“Peeta?” his father calls as he’s heading for the door.

“Yeah?”

“Might be best to avoid the car today, what with this crazy fever you’re running.”

“I’m not sick!”

“You’re certainly something. Head home, Peeta. I’ll check in on you later.”

As soon as the door closes behind him, a cool breeze douses Peeta’s face. He lets out a sigh, and the jet of flames shooting through the chimney stops, leaving only a thick trail of smoke in its wake.

He’d be almost relieved if his hands weren’t still steaming.

Katniss

Warmer

Though she doubts (hopes?) anything will happen, Katniss walks to the nearby town. The suppressant Prim gave her hurts something deep within her with every step she takes, but at least there’s not another jungle growing in her wake. Only a few flowers bloom before her eyes, along with a pair of chubby-cheeked chipmunks which stare at her like she’s the moon, sun and stars all wrapped into one. Katniss scowls and walks straight past all of them.

A tall plume of smoke billows on the horizon from the town, wafting out and around like a massive toadstool. The air is thick with the smell of it, and something else like burned bread.

The bakery, maybe? That’d suck. The cheese-buns from there are to die for, and she’s not the only one who thinks so. Just last week, Katniss went in and almost got into a fight with the little old lady behind her when she bought the last half dozen. She sure hadn’t meant to make the fox stole around the woman’s neck come back to life. And she hadn’t meant to get so rage-filled at the woman’s audacity to come between Katniss and her cheese-buns, either, but something shot through her that day. Might have been the ridiculous heat in there that day, making everyone a bit crazy.

Kind of like today.

She could have sworn it wasn’t this hot when she left. At least, not magma-levels of hot, anyway. Each step towards town feels like she’s heading towards an active, gurgling volcano. Her braid sticks to the back of her neck, and even shedding her jacket does nothing to stop the sweat dripping and pooling down her back. If anything, the heat gets worse and worse alongside the pain inside her. It’s like being lanced through the gut with a white-hot skewer.

There’s not enough time to panic. She collapses face-first to the grass. It turns from dry and crisp to green and cool beneath her. A few shy violets peek through the dirt as though to check if she’s okay, but she’s got no words; they’ve boiled and dried on her tongue.

Before she closes her eyes, though, something even more horrifying greets her: a human figure engulfed in flames. Is she delirious? Is it real? Not real? They lumber closer, and her boiling world goes black.

Peeta

Hot

Peeta gives his car a wide berth and shoves his hands in his pockets as he darts down the street. Smoke rises out of the sides like he’s stashing lit cigarettes in there. He keeps his head down and refuses to meet anyone’s eye. The sooner he gets home and douses himself in ice water, the better.

God, he’s still so hot! The bottoms of his boots melt into the pavement and leave great, sticky prints in his wake. His finger prickle with a weird sort of heat he can’t understand until he pulls his hands from his pockets and finds tiny flames dancing over his fingertips.

“Holy shi —!” He whacks his hand against his leg and waves it through the air, but it only seems to encourage them. They aren’t painful — a little tingly, maybe — but it doesn’t stop him panicking when they spread over him like a robe.

Someone screams. Somewhere. Behind him, maybe, or all around. He’s not sure what else to do. His boots melt off him completely, and his clothes aren’t far behind. Peeta sprints for the nearest exit out of town and runs until he can’t see life anymore.

Until, he thinks, he finds death.

A slight figure, a girl, he thinks with inky-black hair, lies face-first on the ground. Her shoulders aren’t moving, and in a perfect circle around her is a patch of bright grass with small, colourful flowers. As Peeta gets closer, the grass grows higher, the flowers bloom larger, all while the flames coating his body reach further and further to the sky.

He drops to his knees beside her. The grass doesn’t so much as flinch away from the heat of him.

He can’t begin to explain why it feels like everything in his life has led up to this moment as he reaches out with a flame-covered hand. “Hey, miss? Are you all —”

It’s like an explosion within him, like all the heat was a catalyst for his own personal, magical Armageddon. His magic erupts and spills out in a flash of flame and colour, swirling with something calm and green that smells a little like lavender. It’s like the very best fireworks show, full of colours he’s never seen before. He feels it all in the powerful rush of his blood, in the firing synapses of his brain, the happiness wending its way through him now… he could die at this very moment and be absolutely content.

He’s got no idea how long it lasts, but when it’s over, so is he. He chokes out a gasping breath and collapses beside her.

XXX

Peeta doesn’t know how long he’s been lying there. He almost expects to be lying in a crater, but a cursory pat of the ground proves it’s all intact. And less green than before, too. Even the flowers that were there before are gone.

But the girl is still there, her head propped up on her hand as she surveys him with eyes like shiny silver coins. She jumps when she sees him watching her back. She’s a little pale from their ordeal — so is he, he’d guess — but a blush blooms bright on her cheeks at being caught staring. He grins at her. She’s gorgeous. And she’s… he doesn’t know how to describe how natural her presence is beside his. Like she was meant to be there the entire time. His head and heart are so calm just watching her, whoever she is.

“Who are you?” she asks.

“Peeta.” He coughs and moves so he’s sitting up. “You?”

She follows him. “Katniss.”

“Katniss,” he repeats. He smiles at her. “Pretty name.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you have any idea why… I mean, you were out when I found you.”

She nods. “And you were on fire.”

“Yeah, that’s… yeah, I was.”

“And then, after…”

“You saw all that?”

“No, I just kind of felt it. Like all the magic in me just exploded.”

“It was the same for me, too. But I feel… great, actually. Stronger. Better than ever.”

“Me, too. I feel… incredibly peaceful. Strong, too, like I could do anything.”

“Any idea what it all was?”

She opens her mouth, closes it, stares at the ground where another tiny flower, a dandelion, peeks through. She smiles at it and says, “Peeta, you wouldn’t happen to believe in soulmates, would you?”

He watches her for a long, immeasurable moment before telling her, “I don’t know,” He takes her hand, thrilled that she lets him, and it sparks in his. “But I think I might now.”

#everlark #everlark fanfiction #everlarkbirthdaydrabbles #everlarkbirthdaygifts #fan fic #by ally147writes

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hecallsmehischild · 6 years ago

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Mental Org/Untangling Spaghetti

Can’t sleep. Therefore, untangling thoughts keeping me up.

HOLY FREAKING CRAP HELLBENT. Hellbent smashed a bunch of headcanons about Shiromori for sure and Artie’s face haunts me. Feel like I need to write a companion chapter for a nightmare about this scenario just to touch on it. This series has given me so many feels and so much writing fuel it’s nuts given how SHORT the actual canon content is. Also? It felt really. Really good to go full on screaming geek. It’s been too long since I actually lost my marbles over a piece of media and it felt nice to be that enthusiastic.

That’s not the main thing keeping me up though. I’m about to plunge into Wedding Madness Month (TM).

Tuesday I fly to the east coast to meet Mom and go on one last tour with her, hanging out and assisting her in concerts. It’s going to be nice. The following Tuesday we both fly back to Los Angeles where I begin wedding preparation, putting together the decor and fine tuning stuff I’ve been working on the last few months and hoping it doesn’t all blow up (yes, let go they say, let go, I don’t really know how to do that very well). While down there I’ll be having different reconnect sessions with several people, which I’m both excited and anxious about all around. One can be anxious about good things, right? Because I am.

During all this time, for about two weeks, I won’t be with my fiance which feels... wrong and weird and very very sad. Even though I know this is just a lead in to our wedding, it just... it feels WRONG on all levels not to be near him. I haven’t even left yet and I’m scared of missing him for two weeks.

He’ll fly in to LA on Halloween, at which point we’ll be back together but I’m still in full bore wedding madness kicked into high gear. Actual decorating will happen. Mass cookie baking and lemonade making will occur (cookies instead of cake). There’s a rehearsal + rehearsal dinner where our families meet for the first time that has to be timed right, plus pick up of all Houstonians from the airport on the different days they arrive. Wedding Nov 3, Then all Houstonians fly home the next day. Nerves and worries pester me, even though I know my family will take care of clean up (to quote my Dad, “Over my dead body are you doing the cleanup” when I offered) I freak out about if that’s really okay that I just leave everything as-is for them to deal with.

I just did most of my packing tonight. One less thing to do tomorrow while I’m amped out about leaving. Usually when I hit the airport, “Adult Dusty” takes over and I’m fine and not freaking out, but RIGHT UP UNTIL THE AIRPORT I’m usually anx central.

Also I’m kind of starting to get mad at how long it’s taking for me to get the surgery I wanted to get. At this point it’s unavoidable that it happens sometime after the wedding, but why? Why is it that hard to get the psychiatrist to send his notes to my therapist, who will write a letter to my women’s doctor? And why did I need to go on this goose chase in the first place? I know why, but by the time I got to the psychiatrist, he said it shouldn’t have been a problem in the first place, that my diagnosis has no bearing on such a decision, and I’m like....

Freaking out about the people I know are upset I didn’t invite them to my super small very private wedding. Not freaking out, actually, kind of mad and resentful that it’s even an issue, and not sure I wouldn’t lash out if it’s brought up one more time.

Already angsting out about what next year may look like, will I be going around to see different clusters of people we know in different parts of the country with Sergey? Partly, that would be really cool. Partly? I kind of want to also just stay home with him because even good environment changes can be stressful. Also social calculus sucks.

What if I get to LA and I haven’t packed a thing I need.

WHAT IF I GET TO LA AND SOMEHOW I HAVE MISPLACED MY DRESS.

I’m afraid one of my friends may kill herself soon. It is sufficiently complicated enough that there’s not much I can do beyond what I’m already doing.

Mom has cataracts and will be doing the driving. She says she’s still okay to drive. I trust her. I have to, now. My Benign Positional Vertigo is rearing its head again and I’m dizzy lying down and getting up from a lie down position, and the idea of driving in Boston and NY freaks me the crap out, from all Mom’s stories.

What if I wreck my face and eyelashes through picking/pulling before the wedding?

What if I can’t sleep the night before and I’m dragging through the whole day?

hnnnnnnngh

#mental organization #rlchild

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weliketheiroldstuff · 6 years ago

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The Story So Far return with Proper Dose, an aural prescription all the sick emo kids have needed for the last three years.

It's been three years since the last TSSF record dropped. So imagine I'm patiently waiting for today's release to come and the night before I get the promo. I know I say a lot of bands have gotten me through dark days. The most relevant dark period of my adult life was around 100 days long, I had these dudes on repeat that summer. It gave me hope and more reasons to stay around. I have not gone public about everything that summer and I guess now you can kinda figure it out. That summer I was battling going away for good. The beginning of those 100 days were miserable beyond description but a month into that era, negativity started to dissipate. I was unbelievably miserable but I was still finding ways to try and stay positive. The more I listened to their records and a few other bands that summer, the quicker I got away from the end. This didn’t save me from a shitty relationship or dumb friends, it saved me from me, the worst enemy I’ve ever had. Again, music to me is about introspection so when a band can make you look inside yourself and see what you need to fix, that is the goal for me as a listener. What music is literally going to make my life better? Apparently these dudes do the trick. It wasn't all just the music or the weed or the escape or knowing I had to do something other than give up. At the same time, I played them more in 2016 than any other artist. When my spotify end of the year lists came out they had every top 20 slot for songs, top 3 for albums, and the number one artist. I got obsessed and that drove me to catching up on lost time with a lot of things because their lyrics got me to open my mind to all the things I was pushing away. This isn’t fanboy shit, this is real. This band literally saved my life and when I could stand to see myself in the mirror again, I was going in a different direction than before. Forward.

Their discography as far as I'm concerned is a shining example of emotionally driven progressive pop punk music and with Proper Dose it seems like the fellas are getting out of their own 100 day darkness. Their songwriting continues to evolve with their age and their sound on this record just really makes me want to go back to California. By the time you get to "If I Fall" it's hard to hide the desire to walk East Bay streets with a doobie in hand and personal evolution on the horizon. They paint a hypothetical picture that reminds me that in my current state of life, I can be better. The record was written over a year’s time with guitarist Kevin Geyer and drummer Ryan Torf writing the songs from scratch, even using synthesizers as the pre-production tools of the songwriting process. Eventually those ideas and pre-production demos would be the backbone to the songs that make up Proper Dose. They were even quoted saying everyone in the band has gotten really into the Beatles and it played a part in their development of a higher level of creativity. "Line" is basically a fucking breakbeat song. Beautiful Sunday music for day drinking or smoking or both. This record is like TSSF saying... "Look, we wrote an acoustic song years ago. You always ask us to fucking play it. We're tired of it. Here's an entire record of songs that are better, and plenty are light enough for your emotions to get a hold of. Sorry hardcore kids this record isn't for the pit. Put it on and cuddle your life-mate." Obviously this is hypothetical but I'd like to think this is the emotional dropkick the mosh pit needed at their shows. They're growing up. Like most bands do. So of course the record isn't gonna be the finger pointing anthems you eleventeen year olds want. Please don't get me wrong, I love that side of this band. But this is a sure fire sign that they have evolved and are changing. Fucking absolutely beautiful record. I'm legitimately proud of the The Story So Far boys and the producers and engineers who helped create this next step in their career. I hope you all have a drink or a smoke in realization that you made a game changer of a record. I am only one person but I appreciate this record more than probably most people.

The kids who crowd kill and run across heads are already so fucking disappointed in this, and that makes me incredibly happy, because well, fuck them. Nothing says “I regret kicking a girl off stage” like changing your sound completely. I love this band but that had to be the catalyst for them to change shit on such a drastic level. Another assumption on my part, but it feels right.

This record is going to drastically change their live sets and the crowd participation. Sure there will still be plenty of older tunes to get down to, but you all have to know the shows are not gonna be as “finger-pointy” instead they will be more introspective. So instead of spin kicking a kid in the face you will think “Why do I want to spin kick someone?” Hopefully this record helps other people grow, as their older stuff helped me grow through the darkest time in my 30s. I highly suggest this album to anyone who is a fan of The Story So Far but also anyone who likes lighter pop punkers who used to be into windmills and picking up change. It’s okay, besides Mike Ness one of the toughest baddest mother fuckers out there said something a while ago that still sticks with me today… “Even tough guys fall in love.” Cheers fellas!

LISTEN/BUY PROPER DOSE NOW!

CD/Vinyl/Merch Apple Music Spotify

TOUR DATES

NOV 2 PORTLAND, OR ROSELAND THEATER NOV 3 SEATTLE, WA SHOWBOX SODO NOV 5 SALT LAKE CITY, UT THE COMPLEX NOV 6 DENVER, CO OGDEN THEATRE NOV 8 CHICAGO, IL METRO ********NOV 10 MT CLEMENS, MI EMERALD THEATRE******** NOV 11 CLEVELAND, OH AGORA THEATRE NOV 13 BUFFALO, NY TOWN BALLROOM NOV 14 NEW YORK, NY PLAYSTATION THEATER NOV 15 SAYREVILLE, NJ STARLAND BALLROOM NOV 16 BALTIMORE, MD RAMS HEAD NOV 17 PHILADELPHIA, PA ELECTRIC FACTORY NOV 18 WORCESTER, MA PALLADIUM NOV 20 RICHMOND, VA THE NATIONAL NOV 21 CHARLOTTE, NC THE FILLMORE NOV 23 ORLANDO, FL THE PLAZA NOV 24 TAMPA, FL THE RITZ YBOR NOV 25 ATLANTA, GA THE MASQUERADE NOV 27 DALLAS, TX BOMB FACTORY NOV 28 AUSTIN, TX EMO’S NOV 30 TEMPE, AZ MARQUEE DEC 1 LOS ANGELES, CA PALLADIUM - SOLD OUT

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Affordable Health insurance in CA ?

"Affordable Health insurance in CA ?

I'm looking to buy health insurance in CA. my income is 10,000$ a year and because i only work part time. i applied for Medical few months ago through welfare office, but my case worker was really mean he was asking for a lot of documents in order to approve my application and every time i go to the welfare office they make me wait for 4 hours.so i decided to look for health insurance through Obama care website but i found that planes that cost 100$ and below doesn't cover even 30% of the medical expenses. any ideas about getting affordable health insurance in CA with good coverage ??? Thank you

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For experienced buyers: As an entry level analyst looking to purchase a car, I was hoping to get some ideas about my first big purchase. My norm has usually been purchasing something and regretting it some time down the road ie Bought a Dell laptop, turns out it heats up a lot. Or a new smartphone (android), turns out it freezes plenty. So I want to purchase a car, and was hoping if someone who is experienced could possibly take some time off to tell me what I should look out for. I understand insurance is a *****, and even though cars are affordable on lease, the insurance will get you. My objective: Car : Lease a pre-owned or 2nd hand car, possibly 2012 or 2013 model, 4 door, sedan. Insurance : Max coverage, low payment (ideal but, shoot for the stars and....) Questions: I understand there are qualities or modern elements like lane stabilizer and effective cruise control that can reduce insurance coverage. How effective can they be? What kind of sedans have low insurance and are modernistic, such as built in navigation and those cool looking monitors? (kind of childish) Which insurance coverages are the most important, there is basic, comprehensive.... If you need additional information, I will be checking this question hourly and will be glad to provide additional information. Thanks!""

Affordable Health insurance in CA ?

Whats the best insurance?

Im still on my dads insurance till I'm 21, but it wont cover prenatal care for his children unless its his spouse having his baby.... which is like most insurance... so what is the best insurance for me to use? I need opinions.... THANKS A BUNCH!""

How can i find a low cost insurance for my car?what are deductable and premium?

i have a insurance for my car and i want to know if i can pay less for the same coverage (basic or minimum)

My girlfriends has insurance for her vehicle but if she drive my car will he be insured?

I just got a new car and i chose esurance for my provider and she has statefarm for her car. According to esurance every driver i add to my insurance with cost me $40 more a month. so my question is if she drive my car will she still be insured by her insurance or do i have to add her to mine?

Can an insurance company be sued for not paying and ruing my credit?

I had a bill and the insurance refused to pay it. They thought I was under two different insurances. The bill went to collections and they have paid a little on it but not the whole thing. It has been a year now.

Can you drive your parents' car without insurance?

Im 17 years old , I live in California and my parents have AAA insurance and I have my Driver's license. is it true that you need permission from them in order to drive?""

I have got automatic driving license 2 days go and I`m looking for car insurance?

i just checked with direct gov to understand the insurance policy then i checked the compare sites to get a better deal depending on the car that i will buy , the problem the least ...show more""

Auto Insurance!?

i Have MetLife auto insurance at the present time, and i have a payment every other month. They have been sending me monthly bills the same price as my Bi-monthy bill. I have been given the run-around in other ways from them as well. Any suggestions for Auto insurance providers, for I am thinking of switching!""

Auto insurance with international driving licence in CT?

I'm a graduate student, I want to buy a car but I don't have a U.S. license yet. Does any one know how much auto insurance would cost in Connecticut with an international licence? I have only heard from people that its more expensive.""

About how much would my auto insurance be? (First-time driver)?

I'm budgeting getting a car and insurance and I don't know how much it would be. It will be my first time driving/having a car or license. So no record of anything, but I'd be a newbie. It'll be in the state of Pennsylvania and it will probably be a pre-owned small car.""

Is ICBC Prejudiced against young drivers a 120$ a month insurance rate cars?

I am a young drivers just starting out and I drive just like anyone else, I don't consider my actions dangerous why is it though I must pay premium prices if I drive well. These rates only adjust after driving for a longer time. it can be that of statistics ? I know that amount a month for insurance alone is exorbitant and when I ask older drivers some say they pay around 50$ a month. Are there other licensures in BC for licensing for driving a car, perhaps much cheaper than ICBC ?""

Does the smart roadster have cheap insurance for teenagers/young drivers?

Is it under 3000 Because I might get one next year I'm 16

How much does your insurance go up when you get in a fender bender?

My brother got in a fender bender. He is 16 and got his license about 9 months ago. The other car wasnt badly damaged, just minor. We live in California. Anyone know about how much his insurance policy will go up?""

Where can I find affordable life insurance for sr citizen in-laws?

I read a previous thread suggesting MediCare, but I am not talking about HEALTH insurance. They only have term life insurance tied to current job, and they need to retire. They have ...show more""

Car insurance -- should they cover these expenses?

I had an accident a month or two ago. It was in a rental car. I found out today that the insurance company had disallowed some of the charges that the rental company tried to pass to them. Now the rental company is trying to pass those charges to me. They ammount to about $500, plus my deductible, of course. The charges are $100 for an administrative fee $200.89 loss of use fee $139.38 diminished value fee. Who should pay these charges? Should I fork this money over to the car rental company? Should the insurance company pay them? What strategy should I use in my conversations with them? My feeling is that I have insurance, it should pay everything which is an actual cost above and beyond the deductible. ie if I have to pay it, the insurance company should have to pay it. On the other hand, if they are somehow bogus charges, then the rental company can eat it, and that's fine. Thought?""

Car insurance ?

who knows the most cheapest it car insurance company plz ?

Is buying health insurance across state lines just a strategy to lower quality?

Allowing states to issue insurance across state lines allows the originator to bypass the regulations of the state being sold to. Since the regulations insure quality; and states with the crappiest quality insurance due to lack of regulation can be the most affordable is this not another example of trading gold for candy as offered by the GOP?

How do i register my car in my name if its in my mothers name?

She bought the car for my birthday and it is insured through me but i need to know how to go about getting it registered to me so it can lower my insurance.

Where can i find good and cheap used car dealer insurance?

i am trying to open a used car lot and need insurance for it. where can i find cheap insurance i have looked and got a quote at one place but the price is to high 6500.00 per year, are there any other companies that will offer that but for cheaper? thanks""

Are insurance rates high for classic cars?

No proof of insurance?

I have legal insurance, but my policy was just renewed so I need my new cards that prove i'm insured. They are in the mail I assume, but they won't get here in time before I have to leave on a trip to NV. I tried to go online and just print the cards, but their site has been down for many days and I can't get on to print my cards. So my question is: If for some reason I get pulled over (not saying I have a reason to get pulled over) and I don't have those cards, since I do have insurance does the fine get dismissed? Also, since I cant technically prove I have insurance do they have to take my plate?""

What happens if your auto insurance gets canceled because you couldn't make the payment?

I have Esurance and I live in Florida where it is required to have car insurance. The policy is for 2 cars (mine & my husbands) and I can't afford the payment of $460 right now, which is due on the 13th, otherwise, they will cancel my policy. They can't give me any extensions. What happens if the policy gets canceled? How hard is it to reactivate it again? Is it harmful go have a lapse in coverage for a week or two (hoping of course that there are no accidents during this time). Both cars are financed and the finance companies require insurance as well... How bad will this screw me up? Has this happened to anyone? What did you do? Any advice would be great, and please don't tell me to just pay the bill, because I can't right now and it really sucks. I hate being broke.""

Why do I have to be added on the car insurance?

Im 17 and I got my license yesterday. I do not own a car, but I will be using moms car occasionally. My question is if she has car insurance, why do we have to pay extra just for me to drive it? Wouldn't the insurance she already has cover me? Dose that mean that every car I drive (that I dont own) I will have to pay for extra insurance? I just dont under stand it. If any one could explain it to me I would be great-full. Thanks""

Health insurance laws?

I recently got out of the military and am living in California and I don't currently have health insurance. What are the laws regarding health insurance now? For example what I get hospitalized (ignoring the fact I can go to the va), taxes, etc. I know almost nothing about whats going on with the halth insurance thing so I don't mind being explained like a child""

Is it legal for insurance companies to require that you have a certain amount for personal bodily injury?

coverage before they can give you an insurance quote.

Can i transfer moped insurance from one bike to another ?

ive got insurance on my piaggio fly 50cc which expires august this year, i can no longer drive this bike as i accidently got super glue all around the breaks and throttle and it wont budge, im going to maybe buy a new moped today for 300 and was just wondering if i get this do i have to cancel my old insurance and get a new quote and pay all that money again or cani just ring my insurance company and transfer it from my old bike to my new bike? thanks for any help! :)""

Affordable Health insurance in CA ?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/homeowners-insurance-florida-jorge-sclafani"

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rightsidenews · 7 years ago

Photo

The Religion of the Faithless Left

Ash Sharp Editor

Puritan Hypocrisy

BLAM goes the gun. OH NO say the victims. WHAT RACE IS THE ATTACKER I HOPE IT’S A WHITE GUY ALSO STOP ISLAMOPHOBIA say the hypocrites.

Puritans are always hypocrites. Read Part I of this series HERE.

Not much more than a decade ago now, the author and political commentator Chris Hedges published a book called American Fascists. It’s an interesting piece, written at the tail end of the turbulent Dubya administration that contended that, within a few years, we would be faced with a Christian Fascist movement in the United States. Based on the popularity of people like Pat Robertson and the politicisation of church-goers by the neocon group that put Reagan in power, Hedges contended that the old right was a threat to American freedom and democracy.

As wonderful a wordsmith as Hedges is, he was, as is sadly so usual for such a smart man, dead wrong. Correctly skewering the old Christian Right for their hypocrisy and often un-Christ-like behaviour is one thing. Predicting the future is quite another. If we are charitable to Hedges few could have seen how, in the decade since Bush, two terms of Obama would enable the hard left to take more social power than could ever have been conceived before.

In the modern age of puritanism, religion is supplanted by Neo-Marxist ideology. Intersectional Theory. Feminism. The root concept which underpins the idea that it is not okay to be White. You can see this everywhere you look, from the television to pop music, to politics and the popular press and sport. The arts of our ancestors speak to us, tell us about their times. Ours will do the same for future generations. Cave paintings teach us that the early humans had a mystical relationship with the animals they hunted and fled from. Renaissance pieces are filled with secrets and satire.

What will our art say about us?

In the realm of faith, the Leftist Puritan happily displays cognitive dissonance during our days of strife. It all boils down to race and religion in the end. If an Islamist mows people down, with a gun or otherwise, the reaction is… nothing. Dire warnings about the dangers of the mythical Islamophobia, perhaps.

Heaven forfend that a white male shoots people. Not only is this an indictment of his race, but he also transforms into an ideologically driven terrorist (Whiteness is political, you know), and a reason to curse out the NRA, and demand gun control. Don’t forget to accuse your enemies of politicising tragedies when it suits your agenda, though.

Shut

If Trump truly cared about the suffering in Syria, he wouldn't have a racist anti-refugee policy. But, hey, bombs distract from scandal!

— Wil 'Kick the Nazis off the tweeters' Wheaton (@wilw) April 7, 2017

I join my fellow Moderate White Person in wishing an Eid of peace, and I also condemn the extremist clan of Trump. http://bit.ly/2leXZRY

— Wil 'Kick the Nazis off the tweeters' Wheaton (@wilw) September 13, 2016

WESLEY

The murdered victims were in a church. If prayers did anything, they'd still be alive, you worthless sack of shit. http://bit.ly/2lm8wKm

— Wil 'Kick the Nazis off the tweeters' Wheaton (@wilw) November 5, 2017

Islam is Peace. Prayers are Worthless. Guns are Bad. I Love Big Brother.

It will stun future generations to hear that we have become such a self-hating society, riddled with such preposterous levels of self-inflicted and undeserved guilt and paranoia.

It wasn’t always like this. In 1979, the seminal comedy group *Monty Python released Life of Brian. The movie revolves around a man mistaken for a messiah. The religious right was apoplectic and it was awesome. And that is coming from a Christian, so save your Jehovahs.

“[Life of Brian] isn’t blasphemous because it doesn’t touch on belief at all. It is heretical because it touches on dogma and the interpretation of belief, rather than belief itself.” ~ Terry Jones

The movie mainly skewered religious hypocrisy and was so controversial at the time that it was banned in several countries and had to rely on George Harrison (of The Beatles) for funding. It remains one of the finest comedies ever produced.

On re-watching the movie recently, I was struck how mild the religious satire really is in this film. In all honesty, I found myself far more interested in the non-theological scenes.

There is a sub-plot to the film which features several Left Wing revolutionary groups all seeking to oust the Romans from Judea. These groups were analogous to hard left British groups in the late 1970s, including the then powerful trade unionists. It is almost as if our timelines are running in opposite directions. As the power of the Church has diminished, to the point where (rightly) no-one would dare attempt to ban a movie for blasphemy, the loony left has arisen, Gojira in Tokyo Harbour.

While the interminable and unending squabbling between the intersections of the left is still laughable today, it cannot be denied that it is the modern day facsimilies of the right-on Reg (John Cleese) and the People’s Front of Judea that are holding the social power. Despite everyone knowing what capitalism has done for us, still, they cry out ‘Oppression!’

Apart from a free market, advances in technology, healthcare, living standards, nearly eliminating child mortality, better food, the internet, a life expectancy of over eighty, university education for all and countless varieties of hot sauce, what has capitalism ever done for us?

Instead, these puritanical crusaders turned their attention on society itself. Internet technology has enabled us to strip monsters like Harvey Weinstein of their veils of secrecy, and therefore, their power. This marvel of communication also allows the Neo-Marxist to conduct witch-hunts and purges at speeds old Joe Stalin could only have dreamed of.

Their zealotry has claimed the scalps of numerous journalists, actors and politicians who, in the main, have all fallen on their swords rather than run the gauntlet. These men may not be nice. These men might, in fact, be criminals- but that has never been a good idea for the mob to decide. **Rupert Myers, late of GQ, is a man who makes my skin crawl. **Not for his alleged behaviour towards women, which seems inept but not illegal, but for his hypocrisy.

Sire! The Virtue Beacon is lit!

To write such a diatribe against the rest of one’s gender, to elevate oneself to the status of Enlightened Nü-Male, and then to be accused thus:

“I was very clear about not being romantically or sexually interested in him, once the subject was raised. I suggested we be mates.

“He said ‘I’ve got enough mates, I’d rather fuck you’ and forced himself on me outside a pub in Fitzrovia.”

Well. I would be a liar if I did not feel a little schadenfreude. I am wrong to do so. A failed and clumsy pass at someone is not a criminal offence, but the puritanical left is treating it like one.

Saints protect you if you live in the United Kingdom, where not only will leftist society pillory you, so will the police. The Sunday Times revealed that the Deputy Prime Minister Damian Green possessed (legal) pornography on his computer. Why is this information pertinent to the public? Are we really so depraved that we must know the masturbatory habits of politicians? If so, why? In any case, the police released it to the press.

The minister has also been pilloried for allegedly touching a woman’s knee. As I predicted when I first published this piece on Medium.com on Nov. 6th, Green has been forced to resign, unable to continue in his career with sucha tarnished public image.

Let’s not ignore that corrupt, incompetent or sleazy politicians must fall. With such incredible levels of vice in politics in our nations, how is it that this non-issue is plastered across the papers?

You can thank Donald J. Trump.

The moralists have been on this crusade for some time, but it appears to have become particularly weaponised by the Left and the MSM since The President’s locker room talk. The scent of blood in the water to a shark is much like the scent of KISS records to a Bible Belt Baptist in 1978 or a whiff of scandal to the press. Egged on by an ideological leitmotif that demands purity at all times from all beings, no man should ever find himself alone with an unmarried woman again.

How we laughed at Vice-President Pence, what a dotard, refusing to sit with a female without his wife present to ensure propriety is maintained. Pence comes to this topic from an entirely different perspective. As a born again, evangelical boomer Catholic we might expect a conservative attitude. But from the sons and daughters of the hippies, the Gen-Xers, the Millennials? I thought this was supposed to be a post-morality, post-faith, post-conservative post-everything age of rampant consumerism and meaningless sex?

No eye contact, a burka, and no sex. Ah, just like back in Gender Studies 101.

Instead, Netflix TV shows are used as examples of a religious theocracy that doesn’t exist. Wow, the asinine Twitterati bleat in unison, this is just like Trump’s America.

It is not. A totalitarian mindset exists in America, for sure. I must also state that the genuinely corrupt who are toppled, the true-life sex-criminals and paedophiles and rapists and money-launderers- spare them no sympathy. They are reaping their own whirlwind, caught up in their pretence at righteousness. The sole irony is that the totalitarians are those who are now purging their movements of male feminist allies for thought crime. Journalists who stood for identity politics are now the victims of the same.

I wonder how long it will be before Dan ‘Everyone is A Literal Nazi’ Arel is cast down from his perch. In the current climate, could it be that his social media stalking of pop has-been Lily Allen transgresses the invisible line of sin?

Dan, stop. That’s creepy.

I knew a guy like this once. A girl turned him down and he cried for days.

No doubt a self proclaimed anarchist like Arel already prays to Black Atheist Trans Jesus for forgiveness for his disgusting white penis. It is not enough today, in 2017, the current year, to merely hate yourself for being a white man. You must also hate the words you say, constantly self-reflect, ensure you keep your eyes down and touch nobody, not even in jest or error.

Such behavioural abnormality is non-PC. Such behaviour demands that you be flayed in public, to lose your livelihood. This is how puritans project their power. Shame is how they maintain control. We have moved beyond expanding the definition of words so that one can be raped by eyesight or by flatulence. We are now in an era where all actions are sinful. There is no escaping the shame. You are born in it, surrounded by it, you are the sin itself. It is, dare I say it, original in nature.

Submission looks like this. A dog, with it’s legs in the air and throat bared.

Considering so many of these leftists proclaim themselves anarchists but act like dictators, I offer my own favoured anarchy.

“Anarchy is personal; it is not a collective possibility. It rests upon the idea of a person acting within a sphere where his existence is not intrusive upon the existence of another human being unless invited to be so. Should a person find that he has uninvitedly trespassed upon the serenity of another, Individual Anarchy points that man toward accepting the responsibility for his own actions while not condemning the failure of others to own up to the things they may have done wrong.” ~ U. Buster

By this perspective, the moral crusade is anathema to anarchists. Even old Antonio Gramsci, one of the founders of Neo-Marxist thought, held it to be a fact that

To tell the truth, to arrive together at the truth, is a communist and revolutionary act.

If we can agree with a long-dead communist that the truth is revolutionary, there may yet be hope for us. We must turn away from this cult of social purity, and the trappings of transcendental shaming. The internet never forgets. We’re all stuck on this rock together, forever.

http://bit.ly/2lm8CBI

#RSN #The Religion of the Faithless Left #Ash Sharp

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journalofasadperson · 5 years ago

Text

Writings from a sad person

2:56 September 14 2019

I think mum is trying to make feel better about eating watermelon with my mouth here in Peru

Damn not remembering must suck. But then again if I lost certain memories I wouldn’t mind.

I like the country side more. Hunting would be fun as long as the ecosystem needs it. Though I still wouldn’t kill bears :< it’s too sad. Unless they really are hurting others.

At this point I have been quiet for so long. This is the quietest I have ever been. I feel very mute. If I start talking no one will listen to what I say because of age and all that bullshit.

The people are nice. Very caring :). There are just certain things we don’t agree on.

Coming back to the city - 7:29pm same day

5:28 September 21

Going to go home at midnight! I talked to the mama and she was super sad. Talking about how she is forgetting things. I wonder if that will happen to me?

8:25 in Salvador (high up in the air) sept 22

So I saw a big burly man hugging his stuff animal (dog), rippoff Justin biber, and discounted Jesus. (also a latino version of captain sparkles)

2:25 pm in US,Seattle, Oct. 25

10:53 am Oct 26

Mum said people would leave me if I am not more considerate. Aka better :) and love me haha.

I keep having nightmares

11:23 am

I am not feeling great. I am thinking suicidal again. I don’t like it. Every time I look at mom I get nervous..... I haven’t taken my meds.

Just took them. Maybe that why I am happier. Because I blocked out all those times she has yelled at me and belittled me. I don’t like remembering that.

...footsteps scare me

But anyways! Thank god for the meds! Helps me forget some of this shit! :)

(I know that’s not good but like what else I’m I supposed to do)

I can’t to go to LA and spend the rest of my life there. I want to live with my best friends! And have fun and not get yelled at!

11:48

Forget anything I said. I am going to forget and pretend none of this ever happened.

10:32PM Oct. 28 2019

5:07pm Oct. 29 2019

7:38pm Nov 9

God,maybe I am a fuck up.

9:10pm Nov 11

I wonder if this is why people kill themselves. Do I hate myself? I don’t I do. Logically its not my fault. I think anyways

The song of the day Good day by BTS

Keep fighting

9:25pm Nov 12

I FEEL FUCKING LONELY…. I will try talking to someone?

10:10 pm Nov 19

If I could I would kill myself.

I fuck up everything

There is no use for me anymore

I fucked Elvis over and they tell me not to tell them.

I made them depressed

I shouldn’t be breathing right now

I should be dead

Talking to my ancestors

I wish I could kill myself

But I have to get to California first.

Feb 10 Mon 8:00pm

All I remember is the quiet loudness. When parasite won and Taika Waititi won an Oscar. The same road I took where I died. My mind trapped needlessly in a hold where it can’t climb out of.

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