#i am having deep conversations with my roommate about gender and i am sort of freaking out

[butchsaint]

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF SELF. I THINK I LIKE TV SHOWS

[scuttle-buttle]

Chapter 10

WC: 1633

Rated: E

Chapter Tags: anxiety, angst, brief fears of infidelity, discussions of childbearing and marriage/gender roles, psych theories, some manipulation, age difference, brief mention of domestic violence (there is none)

A/N: If you have any questions regarding the tags for this chapter and want to ask me about it before reading please do so! The chapter is not necessarily dark but I understand that some may want me to give a more detailed warning/context. I want all my readers to be as comfortable as possible 💙

🧠

It started out small. He would bring up Dr. Stratton during conversation more and more often. Three times now he had been late to office hours, causing you to have to wait outside his room, nervously checking the time. But it’s nothing, you continue to remind yourself. They’re just good friends that haven’t seen each other in years. And you trust them both.

When another Friday night passed with Laszlo skipping drinks in favor of meeting with Karen, you decided to stay in as well. It had been a month since they reacquainted with one another. In those weeks you had seen less of him outside work. Your sex life was stagnating too, much to your annoyance. He had even canceled at the absolute last minute on a dinner date. Naturally, you had begun to feel a twinge of jealousy at his lack of attention. He kept saying it was work related. Nevertheless, the sullen temperament you'd adopted went unnoticed by the doctor. You felt foolish; you weren’t so needy that you had to make a big deal about it. So you said nothing on the issue.

You sat on the old couch in your apartment. Bitsy was getting ready to go out with Lucius for date night. Picking at your fingers, you decide to ask your roommate for advice. “Hey Bits?”

“Yeah?” she called from her bedroom.

“Can I ask you a question about Lucius?” you start.

“Sure, what’s up?”

You pause as you think of how to word your thoughts. “Do you ever, like, get jealous? When he hangs out with other girls I mean.” Her head pops out of the door frame as she finishes fastening her earring, eyebrows raised in question. “It’s just that Laszlo has been spending a lot of time with Dr. Stratton now that she’s back in town. I trust them and everything, but I’m starting to feel a bit left behind I guess…” you trail off.

“Oh honey, that's normal.” She waves a hand through the air as she speaks. “There’s this girl at the lab that Lucius works with and for the first month I was convinced she was trying to steal him away from me. Turns out she just wanted Marcus, his brother!” Bitsy lets out a cackle.

“Right…” you pick at the skin around your fingernails. “I just feel silly about it. I’m sure I’m overreacting to the whole thing, though. Laszlo would never do anything, and I don’t think Dr. Stratton would either,” you remind yourself outloud. "There's just this thing John said to me about them having a past and I can't get it out of my head."

“It's not silly.” Bitsy had moved further into the bedroom, causing her voice to be slightly muffled. “But if it bothers you that much, talk to him about it. He’s a psychologist, it’s kinda his job to understand emotions and things like this. And if he loves you like you say he does then he’ll put a bit more effort into giving you his attention.”

You marinate on what she’s told you. Bitsy is right, if it bothers you that much then you need to bring it up with him. Be an adult, use communication, and all that. “Why’re you always right and level-headed about everything?”

“Someone’s gotta be, with a hot head like you,” she snarks. Her phone buzzes letting her know her date is downstairs. With a squeeze on the shoulder she bids you goodbye, telling you to let her know if you need anything.

_

The atmosphere in Dr. Stratton’s office felt off. What was usually so open and warm had felt forced and awkward. You were still ignoring the guilt of your jealousy at the doctor. She wasn’t as talkative today, unlike usual. Instead, it was strictly business. You chalked it up to her having an off day.

The two of you discussed in more depth the fetishes and kinks from the list you had compiled. Unfortunately, due to spending less time with your boyfriend the last few weeks you hadn’t had much of an opportunity to try any of the new tricks you were learning about. Therefore, you had little to really talk about in that regard. You found that you didn’t particularly mind, as you were feeling less inclined to want to share about your love life due to your envy towards the woman in question.

Dr. Stratton quietly gathered together her notes from the session and placed them into the folder. You were about to ask if she needed anything else from you when her lips parted before closing again. She leaned forward on her desk towards you. Her fingers steepled under her chin.

She licks her lips. “There is something I wish to discuss with you unrelated to the study.”

You didn’t like where this was going. Dread pooled in your gut at the concerned look on her face. “O-okay.”

“Now I want you to understand that I only bring this up out of concern for your wellbeing and emotional health. But some of the things you have told me over the course of this study have me worried.”

What on earth could you have said that would cause this sort of reaction from her? She was the most calm and collected person you had ever known. To have her speaking out made your heart race in your chest.

She takes a moment to gather her thoughts before opening her mouth again. “In truth I worry about your current relationship. I fear that-”

Brows furrowing, your mind goes to the worst conclusion. You blurt out “what? No! He doesn’t hurt me or anything, I don’t know what would have given you that impression but I- ”

The doctor reaches out with her hand to settle on your forearm. “My dear take a breath, I meant no such thing.”

You take a deep inhale to compose yourself. “Then what are you talking about?”

“Speaking as your friend, and as an alienist, I fear that this boyfriend is potentially using you for your youth,” she begins the tale she concocted, unbeknownst to you. “In my experience as a psychologist, the young women such as yourself that I encounter with significantly older male companions find themselves locked into the relationship. Typically, it is from dependence on money at first. Over time, the male pressures the woman to be compliant in things like marriage and childbearing. I understand how difficult it is for a woman as driven as you to balance your aspirations with relationships and domestic matters. Do you want children?”

Her statement and question take you back. Confusion is written all over your face. Marriage? Children? Neither you nor Laszlo had ever brought up either subject. You didn’t even know if it was something he was interested in. “Wait what? I'm not sure I follow…”

“Men around his age go through an identity crisis in which they begin to become aware of their mortality. A change in priorities. The most common desire is to procreate, to start a family in which to pass on their wisdom is strongest here. Are you prepared to give him children soon? Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother, it is a very noble role. Yet you do not strike me as someone ready for such a large step.”

You can barely form a coherent thought at her onslaught. The whole conversation was so out of the blue that you felt incredibly lost. Did you want children? Did he want children? Now? You wrap your arms around your torso to stave off the uncertainty and anxiety you feel creeping in. No words come to your defense at her interrogation. You are speechless, jaw dropped.

She stands and crosses the room, placing her cool hands on your cheeks. “My dear you are still a child yourself. This is something you need to consider. To… consider the possibility that you can’t give him what he needs. That he may need someone closer to his age with the same priorities, someone more willing to give in to his needs now. I don’t think you’re ready for that. I’ve seen the cost that these girls face. And the societal pressures and judgement you would face being with someone so much older? I think it could throw you into a state similar to after your friend passed. I wouldn’t want to see you in that position again. I want you to have your freedom."

Dr. Stratton looks up at the clock suddenly; “oh! My, I’m going to be late for a meeting, you’ll have to go. I don’t believe we need any more sessions for the study, but I will let you know if anything changes.”

You are too in shock trying to process everything she said to you as she ushers you out of the door with a “think about what I said, dear.” The door shuts behind you.

Karen sat with a huff. She felt a tad guilty for what she had said to you. She had no idea if Laszlo wanted marriage or children, he hadn’t when they were first together. But times change. She hoped that by using the angle of kids and identity crises that she could subtly plant a seed of doubt in your mind. Strike quickly and overwhelmingly, plant the doubt that you weren’t right for him, then push you out before you have the chance to seek answers or reassurance from her. It seemed you bought her false concern as actual worry. You were a great girl. But you were just that - a girl. You couldn’t give Laszlo what he needed, not like she could.

Now she simply had to wait and let your mind eat away at itself, leaving him for the taking.

Tag list

@hardlyinteresting @lorna-d-m @livvyshmiv @somethingthatsaysbubbles @greeneyedblondie44 @unbeatablecurlgirl @apparrio @marchingicenotes7 @anteroom-of-death @bruhidaniel @lemairepstuff @thehuiabird @zemosimp05 @alindeluce @iamnotthecatladynextdoor @laura-naruto-fan1998 @trelaney @boneheadduluc @i-am-dead-inside-666 @fictionlandslanddreams @thatoneartgalsstuff @hb8301 @fandom-princess-forevermore @foggycandywitch @creme-bruhlee @andy-rocks @nonamec0s

[pendragonfics]

living with feelings pt.2

Paring: Caleb Widogast/Reader

Tags: gender-neutral reader, gender-neutral pronouns, alternate universe - canon divergence, canon-typical violence, Caleb Widogast needs a hug, Caleb Widogast deserves nice things, light angst, soft, Nott is a Parent, developing relationships.

Summary: Along the road toward the swamp, Reader is swamped with questions from Nott, and themselves.

Word Count: 1,910

Current Date: 2019-01-06

Requested By: anon x

When you wake up, you find you’re curled into the warm side of Caleb. It’s a strange thing, because you swear that you fell asleep before him, away from him. However, a small part of you is wistful. Happy. The wizard man is snoring ever so slightly, his chapped lips left partly open, the stray hairs of his beard curling in the bristling cold of the morning.

But there’s shame in you, and it’s overpowering. You’re filled with regret and other ugly feelings in the lower portion of your belly.

Caleb said kind words, lovely words to you. Words that made your heartbeat faster. But you don’t deserve those words. They are alien to you. You’ve never had them before, and now you have them, it feels strange to receive. If you were a more affectionate person, you would have shown him, but alas, you are not, and now, you’re feeling almost sick in the storm of giddiness of your feelings for him.

Quietly, you sit up.

After the weather the night previous, it’s strange to perceive life going on afterwards. It felt so earth-shattering; perhaps it was because you had never spent a night in the elements. You certainly don’t remember at all in your life seeing a storm like that before. It was frightening, fantastic; you were glad for what magic that Caleb cast for keeping you safe and dry.

You stop feeling guilty for sleeping beside Caleb as you see the rest of the Nein’s sleeping arrangements. Nott is tied in a knot by Yasha’s ankles, a knife in little green hands, Jester lays between Yasha and Beau with her arms and legs askew, and Beau and Fjord are a tangle of limbs all over one another like puppies. You’re not sure if you’re seeing it right, but Molly’s head of horns are precariously close to Fjord’s ass.

As you move to stand, you feel a hand around your wrist, and you jerk away, heart racing. A fear races inside of you, and almost like there’s something inside of you, you feel a warmth take residence under your palms, beneath your fingernails. It fades as you realise who is holding your wrist.

Caleb’s eyes are hooded, perhaps barely awake in a way in which wrenches your heart. For a moment, you had been back in the rear room of the bakery in Zadash, your stepfather’s hands wrapped around your body, leaving nasty marks. But you fled him, and it’s just Caleb. Sleepy, soft, guarded and confusing Caleb.

“Geh nicht,” he said in Zemnian. Don’t go.

But you do.

Caleb closes his eyes softly, his grasp relaxing. He says your name, and a string of words you don’t understand in your mother tongue. But in the moment of your silence, Caleb has fallen once again to sleep, his grasp loose on you. And like the coward you are, you leave his side while the eyes of the Nein are closed, and adrift in dreams.

---

Later in the day, you find yourself perched beside Molly as he steers the cart. It’s your turn taking watch alongside him, and it’s quieter. Yasha walked ahead, her sword strapped to her rippling shoulders, glinting in the rising sun. Behind her, rode Fjord, and Beau, bickering about something you couldn’t quite hear about. Jester napped behind you, her hand on her amulet, and horse hitched alongside the others pulling the cart.

“Hey, um, ________, can I speak with you?”

You had almost forgotten that Nott was with Jester, and in the moment, you felt yourself afraid, for more than just being surprised. The other day’s attack came flooding back, and looking at Nott, the goblin girl, all you could see was the goblin you had chased down. That you had killed.

“You startled me,” you placed a hand over your chest, to persuade your heart from racing. “Sorry. Of course; what do you want to talk about?”

She eyed Mollymauk, looking him up and down, and said, “Something he doesn’t need to hear. Go on, Molly. Get. Go talk to Fjord about being a bad roommate or something.”

“Nott, you sweet talker, you sure know the way to charm a tiefling’s heart,” he replied, his tone ironic, but face as sweet as a sugared roll. “________, take the wheel.”

Confused at his terminology, you took the reigns as he made leave, and Nott scrambled from the rear of the cart to where she sat. Steeling yourself as the driver, you lead the horses on, hoping what Nott would say wouldn’t make for too strange a conversation.

“I…” Nott began. She hung her head, bandages falling forward. “I need to apologise for the other night. I could have taken on that goblin, and knew you weren’t a fighter, and yet, it got away, and…”

You placed a hand atop her little green one, looking to her. “You don’t need to apologise for anything. What happened…it happened. I must have been a swordfighter in a past life, just like you must have been a caregiver.” You’re not sure if she flinched, or if your eyes were playing tricks on you, but you add, softly, “Besides, I did what anyone would do. I saw it almost took your collection of sticks.”

“I do like my sticks,” Nott replied. But softly, she spoke once more. “I have to ask, and I don’t mean to pry, but…”

“I suppose I’m one of you guys now,” you re-joined, “so ask away.”

She looked behind you, behind the cart, and briefly, you looked back too. Trailing the cart like a bottle tied to a cart after a wedding, rode Caleb. He looked to be deep in thought, his mind somewhere else from where his body was. Righting the cart around a stone in the road, you looked back to Nott, unsure of what she was implying.

After a moment with no words shared, she screwed up her nose, and shouted, in a hushed tone, “Well? What are your intentions with my son?”

You blinked. “Your son? I - I’m sorry, I thought -,”

“I’m not his mother in that sense,” she answered, and quickly added on, “but the other sense like Beau and Fjord are basically brother and sister, and Yasha is basically the only one out of us all who has a functioning moral compass. But,” she paused, looking to you intently, “Caleb is my boy, and I am asking you about your intentions toward him.”

“I…I think he’s a fine man?” you replied, unsure.

“Just fine? Look at him, he’s hot!”

“Yes, he is attractive. And I think he’s quite lovely too, once you get to know him.” You added.

“So…you like him?” she interrogated.

“I like him as much as I like you, and the rest of the Nein,” you answered. The way she looked at you after what you said made you feel unsure of the word. Where she came from, was there another meaning to that term? “I mean, he’s handsome, under all the dirt, and we speak the same language, and if it weren’t for him I’m sure I’d still be in Zadash.” You say, wistful. “…and he acts like he doesn’t care, but I know he does care because he showed me.”

“So! You like-like him,” Nott beamed, leaning toward you. “Well, I know for a fact that he is available -,”

“Nott, wait,” you ask her, bewildered. “Are you trying to match us together?”

“Of course! You seem as fine a person as any. And he needs to focus on something other than his studies, you know what they say about someone who’s all work, no play, am I right? And I see how he looks at you -,”

“Nott,” you placed a hand on hers once more, pausing her. “I have something to tell you.”

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re not interested! Or want him at all, after all of this! You’re my last hope to get him a good person in his life, well, second-last, if Fjord opened his eyes and realised what a catch Caleb is!”

“Nott!” you say once more, a little louder. “I’m already…I kissed him last night.”

“You WHAT?”

---

Last-minute, it’s decided to make camp one more night before the Nein are to make it to the swamp. It’s a strange destination, but when you overhear Jester speaking to Fjord about The Gentleman you have enough wits to not question anything. It’s a clear night, and it seems that everyone is making their beds on the ground as usual. But you go for the cart once more, making a sort of nest out of what you can.

“Knock, knock,” he says, without raising a knuckle to the side of the cart.

His accent is thick tonight, and you feel your heart grow warm beneath your skin in his presence. Looking over, you see Caleb. His face is cleaner tonight, and it seems with every passing day, his beard grows thicker and thicker, as dishevelled as the ginger hair upon his head. He places his hands on the edge of the cart, looking to you.

“Come in,” you reply, scooting backwards. He joins you, groaning as his joins click as he sits beside you. “…you need to stretch, before and after the riding, and then it won’t pain you.”

“Oh, you have learnt so much since joining us, meine liebe,” he praises, but you know that he’s teasing you. “What else does your, er, multitudinous wisdom hold?”

You chuckle, resting your head upon his shoulder. “I know that Nott was ready to sell you off to me like jewellery in the Pentemarket,” you retort. “…she tried to match you with me.”

“She’s a little late on that,” he replies, his arm making its way across your shoulders. “…I feel as if Nott thinks herself as my mother.”

It feels strange being touched, but after everything, you ignore that feeling and welcome it. After all the shit that you were forced to wade in, you deserved to bathe yourself. You deserve to be loved and to love in return.

“She does indeed,” you snuggle in, speaking into his jacket. It needs to be cleaned, but amongst all the other smells, the scent is overpoweringly Caleb, and you relish it. “…and I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day.”

“Wasn’t it yesterday?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t keep track of time like you,” you shrug. “…whatever you have done, in your past, that is it. It’s passed. You are not your actions, especially if you regret them. My mother, my birth mother, she told me that as long as you know what is right, and do by it even after doing wrong, eventually, you will be absolved.”

“________,” Caleb starts to say, but you keep on speaking.

“And I will forgive you. And I will love you for everything that you are. Because not only did you help me realise that I was strong, strong enough to leave my abusive stepfather, strong enough to kill a thief, but that I was strong enough to move past it all, and become the person I have wanted to be for so many years.”

“________, I can’t ask that of you,” he says, soft.

“Don’t ask it of me then,” you reply, your lips ghosting his, and you whisper, the words hot against your tongue as they are spoken, “Because I am giving my love freely.”

[rkjinwook]

• • •  STARTING LIVE!

       02AUG2020  |   🐥 JINWOOK’S HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🥳 🥳        DURATION   |   1:02:22

it’s a cute set, albeit typical for this kind of broadcast. the staff have provided jinwook with a fixed camera framing his mini birthday table, complete with multicolored balloons decorating the back wall. there’s a small tablet to monitor the stream and comment feed, which jinwook fiddles with as he waits. in retrospect, he thinks it would’ve been nicer to hold a more casual conversation with fans for his first solo live, but that might just be the nerves talking.

he fills the silence with music, his guitar in his lap. it’s an everyday sight, but jinwook realizes most fans won’t have heard him play much, so he takes care to warm up cleanly, and warm up his vocals too. he only alternates between a few simple chords, though. it’s the sort of background music he used to hear when he’d occasionally attend church services with eve. as jinwook plays he imagines an audience quietly filing in, taking their seats at his birthday party as they each receive the live notification. finally the staff motions for jinwook that the actual video is starting, and he rests the instrument in his lap, out of view for now.

“hello! i’m convex’s sunshine, jinwook.” the greeting is bright and familiar as he dips his head toward the camera. it’s unlikely that the viewers, who arrived so early from a notification, don’t know his name, but it can’t hurt to start off formally. “today is my birthday! yay!!” also evident from the title and the backdrop. jinwook gives himself a round of applause anyway. then he picks up a party hat from the table and slips the cone over his head. “tada~” 

“since we can’t meet in person, i wanted to greet you all with a live today to celebrate.” there’s a pause as jinwook adjusts the thin elastic of the party hat. he takes a breath. “last year, hmm...” he taps a finger to his cheek as he thinks back. “oh, last year i made cupcakes! i was helping our team sphere on the mgas.. so i couldn’t meet consta that time, either.” jinwook hums in thought, suddenly a bit nostalgic about his time as a coach. he shakes his head. “so i’m excited to try this out now.”

“let’s see...” he says, quickly moving on, “is everyone settling in here alright?” he peers over the tablet and rests a finger over the chat to pause its scrolling speed. the amount of viewers is staggering and the number only keeps rising, but jinwook focuses on the individual users sending messages instead. it’s a relief to see the majority in his native language. “hello and hello and hello,” he says, reading off a string of usernames and greeting each one individually, “and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming, and thank you for coming~!”

when jinwook releases his finger from the screen, the chat jumps back to life, shifting too quickly to read. he frowns and tries to pause it again. it takes some concentration to read off the unusual username combinations, but he does his best.

💬  :  happy bday 🥳 🥳 🥳 💬  :  you look handsome!!! 💬  :  happy birthday oppa~ 💬  :  thank you for being born 💖🎁🎁 💬  :  bare faced jinwook is the best!

“ah, thank you~ hello!! thank you too~ thank you for being by my side! oh! this one...” jinwook is startled into a laugh at the last comment, bringing a hand over his mouth. when he drops his hand he shows his full face to the camera, grinning. “this is definitely not bare faced jinwook, but, still i appreciate you thinking so~”

as he tries to keep reading, he tilts his head and squints. many of the messages are just full of celebrating emoji or animated emotes. it’s less to parse, but more noise to sort through. “ah, so much emoji in chat, you all must’ve learned from me, huh...” he muses.

after another minute he leans back again, his nerves settled. well, jinwook’s never had much trouble even talking to himself, so it shouldn’t surprise him that speaking to a bustling chat window comes naturally, too.

💬  :  did you have a good day so far?

“i’m happy today!” jinwook answers confidently. “my grandmother always wakes up early on sunday mornings, so i called her on the way to practice! and later tonight i’m going to video call with my family. actually i told my sister what time i was going live, so she might be listening too?” jinwook squints back down at the tablet and bites his lower lip. “ah, the chat is going way too fast to tell...”

💬  :  where are the other members!!

“hmm, training?” jinwook grins. “i’m taking a break to talk for right now~ but we are all working very hard otherwise!” he shares another smile, proud of himself for not mentioning anything further - although if his eyes sparkle, he can’t be held responsible. “they might stop by at the end!”

“that reminds me!” jinwook reaches below the table for his bag, pulling out a fresh journal that jaehyun had gifted him in the morning. he holds it up for the camera, proudly showing off the nice foil accents and the fold-out attachment. “my roommate, haru, got me this really pretty notebook. it’s supposed to work as a real midi keyboard.” jinwook’s runs his fingers over the cover. “he has good timing since i am almost out of pages in my old notebook... i’m excited to use it.”

💬  :  oppa’s hair is cool today!

“my hair, ah..” jinwook reaches absently to touch it, pleased. “it grew!” it’s worn longer than it was for pretty u era, freshly dyed and parted down the middle. he’s lucky he’s even allowed to have it showing for the live right now, since it’s a similar shade to his old cut. “i’m kind of happy, since it feels healthy recently...” he chuckles a little, the compliment leading him to another train of thought.

“speaking of cool, consta, did you guys see our call me baby special stage last week?” jinwook looks up to the camera and leans in, curious. “the concept was slightly darker for us, since unit black is so, you know... cool.” jinwook gestures vaguely but laughs at the understatement. it’s not a big enough word to describe some of the biggest superstars in the industry. “we have songs like rock but it’s different from convex‘s usual image, maybe,” he adds thoughtfully, knowing full well that their next comeback is inching in that direction. “do you think we suited it well?”

💬  :  convex is cool too!

jinwook nods, pleased by the positive responses in the chat. “so it was okay, then?” he laughs a little because of course, they’re all biased fans and he asked for it on his birthday, but it’s still reaffirming. “mmm, it still felt a bit refreshing and funky like convex, too. so i think there can be a middle ground,” he says, as if simply imagining how things could evolve in the future. “something smooth like that stage?”

something smooth. jinwook’s thinking of crazy in love, specifically, but the title song itself is an even bigger departure from their pretty u sound and aesthetic. “ah..” he shakes his head with a sheepish grin, “i think i’m rambling a lot.” jinwook takes a dramatic deep breath and collects his thoughts.

then he shifts away from the tablet to pull up the guitar in his lap. “i wanted to answer a lot of messages, but i actually prepared a song for you, too.” he strums a bright chord for emphasis. “it’s nothing fancy but i thought consta would maybe enjoy something like this. so i don’t have to sing happy birthday to myself, or anything,” he jokes.

🎵  :  heartz / minhee&luda — i’ll be there

“this is one of my favorite songs recently! i thought it would be nice for our fans, too.” it’d been an easy choice when jinwook was preparing for this stream. it’s a recent sphere release, plus he’s been listening to and singing the song since it came out, so he already knew most of the words. still, jinwook pulls up the lyrics on the tablet just in case. since he frames it as a fan song, there’s no need to change the gendered parts, although he doesn’t think he would have bothered, either way. 

jinwook only slows the tempo and lowers the key slightly to fit his guitar and his voice. the song has a different energy with an acoustic guitar instead of the bouncy synths, but it’s just as sweet and upbeat. he takes his time, singing all the way through both verses and two choruses. 

just before the bridge, jinwook trails off with a little smile. “ah, i just practiced up until here so far...” he keeps strumming idly as he leans over the tablet again. the comments flood with cheers that jinwook only can read some pieces of. it feels good, though, and jinwook feels confident about the vibe.

he watches several prying questions about heartz fly by in response, and carefully doesn’t acknowledge any of them. “of course i’ve been cheering for heartz,” is all he says. “i really liked around you and vivid also! and i’m excited for the next singles released this week, too.”

💬  :  please a convex song next!!

“oh,” he says, “a convex song?” jinwook takes a break, first, to roll out his wrists. then he hums in thought, searching for something he could play on the spot. “do you remember this one?”

🎵  :  convex — 20

he transitions into a familiar guitar intro. long-time fans might recognize it as the vocal unit song from convex’s debut album, but jinwook is pleased to introduce it to anyone else who’s unfamiliar. personally, he thinks it has held up pretty well over the past two years. “shh—” he mimics the sharp first line, then smiles as he continues strumming and begins to sing.

the song proves difficult to solo, and jinwook wishes he’d thought to prepare more material ahead of time. a medley could’ve been nice, but with all of the comeback preparations going on..... instead jinwook giggles as he trips over the lyrics, attempting the first verse’s backing and lead vocals both together. “hm..” he mumbles, glancing up at the camera. he casually redoes the section to make a decent recovery, and the chorus soars as intended. 

“ah...” says jinwook wistfully after he eases to a stop, “i’ll have to come back to that one someday. that one is nice to sing to consta, too. i always liked the lyrics a lot. you’re my twenties~”

he taps his fingers against the body of the guitar and is reminded of the special day. “but today my twenties are officially half-over, aren’t they? wah... scary....”

twenty-five. he stares blankly toward the tablet, thinking he should follow up: then i’ll just spend the second half of my twenties with consta!

these days, though, it feels like an unfair promise to make.

💬  :  like a gorilla like a gorilla!

his eye catches on one of the suggestions breezing down the chat window, and it interrupts his brooding with a burst of laughter. “gorilla? de:code’s gorilla?” he repeats. he tries a few chords but they’re not in the right key, and jinwook grins as he puts away his guitar on its stand. “i don’t know, that one would be an interesting acoustic cover.” he sings a little phrase of it anyway, a random adlib from the ending: “girl you make me feel~!”

“but!” he points a finger at the camera, not wanting his opinions to be twisted. “maybe one day i could cover their song beautiful, or i’m fine from predebut!”

💬  :  what are you listening to recently?

“hmm... what is new?” jinwook absently adjusts his elastic party hat elastic and pulls out his phone. “i like lee hi’s holo! per_se have a nice summer album.. with o sole mio, and of course...” jinwook hits a pretty falsetto as he opens the music app: “this is how i feel about you, twilight~”

“it’s like twilight, yeah~” he flicks through his playlist and wonders if he should just share screenshots of the whole thing on fancafe. “ah, and eclipse’s comeback!” he adds. “look, isn’t the album cover pretty?” his screen is probably illegible, when he holds it up close to show the camera, but at least his enthusiasm is clear. “i like their night side the best, with that unique rock sound...” jinwook pauses, and reconsiders. “actually, navillera was totally my style, too.” he shakes his head and grins. “eclipse is definitely cool no matter what.”

💬  :  it is already 4 in the morning here why 😭

english. jinwook has glazed over every message in foreign languages but he laughs at this one. he trips over a stilted reading of the comment, and quickly switches back to korean to answer. “i’m sorry ahh, next time i have to think of different timezones, right?” he tilts his head. “mm, it seems impossible to find a good time for everyone all around the world? but i’m happy you could visit with me for even a little bit. please make sure to rest well~” as an afterthought, he finishes in english: “and goodnight~”

💬  :  can you show a rap verse? 

“rapping?” jinwook’s eyes light up at the suggestion, and he laughs out loud. “can i tell a secret?” it’s not the right question to ask, judging by the staff’s reaction. but jinwook leans in sneakily, and continues despite their concerned looks. “we tried to switch parts for adore u once, so i learned seungcheol’s rap! that choi seungcheol,” he says with a grin, “has pretty good expressions on stage these days... his parts are fun! i like practicing his pretty u verse, too.”

he tells the story casually, although that part switch was not just boredom in the practice rooms, but an official planned anniversary release. that weekend in incheon is still a fond memory despite the disappointment of never getting to see the final edit.

he rolls his shoulders. “anyway, i don’t have the nice low voice for it, but there is a little melody to his parts a lot of the time...” jinwook postures up for full effect and puts on his best rapper expression. “how can you dazzle so much? you’re so pretty it’s—”

it’s probably for the best that he is interrupted by a loud knock and a rowdy chorus of happy birthday starting right outside the door.

➡️  :  continued in part two...

[kaspbrak-tozier-reddie]

Kaspbrak vs Tozier

Pairing: Reddie, side of Benverly

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of homophobia

———————————————————————

Sonia Kaspbrak and both, Wentworth and Maggie Tozier, never got along. It went as far back as 3 (maybe even 4) generations of Toziers and Kaspbraks before the three had a son each. Edward ‘Eddie’ Kaspbrak and Richard ‘Richie’ Tozier grew up hating each other.   

Eddie and Richie never fully understood the story, it made little sense as to how both families hated each other. There was a blurred line between the two, something to do with different beliefs. During a time when being gay was seen as unacceptable (and an illness), the Tozier’s were accepting as were a few families in the community (like the Marsh’s and the Uris’). But Eddie and Richie never understood why the disparity was only between the Toziers and Kaspbraks, not the others that accepted the constant changing community? It was blurred, neither had the full story, so the two boys made up their own stories. 

Eddie, being raised in a highly religious household, thought that maybe 4th generation Tozier was friends with 4th generation Kaspbrak and then said something that didn’t agree with the way of the church. i.e came out gay or had pre-marital intercourse etc.  The idea of loving someone of the opposite gender was drilled into every Kaspbrak family, that it was evil. Since Frank Kaspbrak was an only child, the only hope was for Eddie to continue the legacy. But Eddie was seeing different and all the lies his mother had told completely changed his view on life. 

Richie, on the other hand, thought that maybe the two families were friends until a Tozier fell in love with a Kaspbrak. The Kaspbraks, being part of the majority of the unaccepting community, stopped being friends with the Toziers due to them being part of the ‘infected’ and scared that they’d be ‘infected’ also. The Toziers general thought was that everything they did and said were immoral, as the Kaspbrak’s are highly religious.

****

Now in college, Eddie was certain that he was rid of Richie but that thought’s gone when the tall, curly-haired, punk-styled boy sits beside him in a psychology lecture. “Fuck!” They both mutter harshly as they realised. Richie and Eddie start to gather up their belongings only to realise that there are no more empty seats in the entire hall. Both fall into their respective seats in a huff and lean away from one another to take their notes.

He takes a quick glimpse at the boy sitting beside him, eyeballing him up and down. It’s obvious that Richie’s still hot, he killed the whole skater/punk vibe. It was the slightly baggy black ripped jeans and the oldish, slightly baggy, hole-ridden Nirvana t-shirt, the whole vibe of a skater dude. His dark, almost black, hair was untamed, curly, it falls nicely over his hipster black glasses.

“Quit checking me out Kaspbrak,” Richie whispers.

“I wasn’t,” Eddie mutters and he focusses back to the lecture but can’t help but continue to steal a glance at the boy beside him. Unbeknownst to Eddie, Richie is doing the exact same thing. Richie focusses on the details to give him an implication as to who Eddie is. A germaphobe.

Well, the fanny pack kinda gives it away, the deep denim blue skinny jeans are matched to a light pink polo shirt. His hair’s tamed, a gentle wave is starting to poke through, he clearly straightens his hair, Richie thinks. All Richie can now think about is pinching Eddie’s cheeks and calling him ‘cute’. 

“Stop staring Tozier.” Richie looks away from Eddie quickly but could hear the obvious smirk in Eddie’s voice. Both boys suddenly forget why their families hate each other. Eddie knows that his mum was wrong, it isn’t a disease, and with one final glance at Richie, before the end of the lecture, he finally accepts (after 2 years of debating), that he is gay. 

****

Eddie takes the hike up to his dorm room, “Sorry man but you’ve been bumped up a floor, your roommate’s really sick of something.” Some dude says to Eddie, handing him his new room key and number. 

Great! Just what he needs. Thankfully he had taken his computer (and charger) plus his 3 lecture books. “How long before I can go back?” Eddie asks.

“Unfortunately not, you’ve been moved permanently for the year.” Eddie huffs and hauls himself up another flight of stairs. That means that the college had touched his personal items and moved them to his new room. Well, that’s a breach of privacy.

“43?” Eddie whispers to himself, he walks slowly down the hall and stops just as he sees the boy walking into the room. “I’m rooming with you?!” 

“Edward!? You’re the ass that’s bunking with me for the rest of the semester?” Richie yells back. 

There has to be some sort of mistake. He feels like Juliet Capulet, or maybe Romeo Montague, he doesn’t know. One of them at least. Eddie tries to find a nicer example considering how it ends in Shakespeare’s play but it’s the only acceptable parallel, only he hopes it won’t end in tragedy.

Eddie walks in through the door in a huff, throwing his backpack at the foot of his new bed and falls back onto the bedding, his head narrowly missing the top of the bed. “Okay, our families have an issue but we haven’t spoken or done anything mean to one another,” Richie reasons. “Why don’t we get to know each other?”

“Sure.” 

Eddie doesn’t see the harm and he knows that Richie is right. Why was there ever an issue? The line was blurred as to how it truly went down as every generation messed up what actually happened. It finally came down to Richie and Eddie, and both of them had no idea why they were supposed to hate each other. If it had something to do with the homophobia way back then, then it shouldn’t be a problem now. 

****

A few months later, the pair have become great friends, hidden from their parents. Now being a day before the start of Spring break, both of them have finished exams and are sitting on their respective beds reading. “I’m going to my friend’s beach house, well her dad’s. He died a couple of years ago and she inherited the house a few months ago after turning 18.” Richie says but then doesn’t follow through. The actual invitation getting lost on his tongue.

“Are you inviting me or just saying for a conversational purpose?” Eddie asks.

“Huh? Oh right, would you like to come? I was given an extra ticket.” 

The truth was Richie told Bev (and Stan) about his little crush on Eddie (that he had developed a little over 2 months ago). So when she booked the flight (which Richie had paid for), she paid for an extra ticket so that Eddie could also go. 

When Richie received the e-mail 2 days ago, Bev had written, “I booked an extra ticket for that cutie that you told me about.”

“Ah, yeah sure. Better than being cooped up in here or in Derry.” Eddie replies.

With Spring break just around the corner, Eddie is keen to just get out of the dorm room and out with friends or even back at Derry. But he doesn’t want to travel back to his overbearing mother. If she ever finds out ... Eddie doesn’t want to fathom on the thought, so he trails off.

“We leave tomorrow,” Richie says nonchalantly 

“Way to throw that at me now, dickhead!” Eddie cries but doesn’t get up.

Richie pulls out a suitcase from under his bed, he packs 3 of his hideous Hawaiian shirts and a couple of pairs of board shorts. Eddie watches intently, the suitcase is a little big for that little amount of clothes. Even with a swim towel, jeans, leather jacket and a hoodie, it was still too big. Richie waltzes over to Eddie’s side of the room.  

Eddie’s frozen as he watches Richie grab a shit ton of his clothing, normally he would be pissed for the invasion of privacy but Richie still did whatever he liked. Richie takes into account of Eddie’s personality and fears, finding shorts and board shorts, t-shirts (& Polo tops), pyjamas and underwear. He whips out a jacket, hoodie and jeans. In a plastic bag, Richie grabs some flipflops and two pairs for Eddie (germs ya know). 

*

As the pair seat themselves, in the seats that Bev had booked, Eddie starts to question the chairs. Every known fact about plane accidents and worst seats come into his mind. He reaches into his pocket for his inhaler, a terrible habit and mechanism that seems to be the only thing to stop his panic attacks. Richie doesn’t question it, the only thing that seems reasonable, is to get him distracted, especially for take-off. Richie passes him a novel from his own carry-on and a stick of gum. Eddie tightens his seat belt and willingly takes the gum and the book from Richie, he glances at the punk styled man beside him and smiles briefly. He feels pressure grip his knee and slowly moves upwards towards the middle of his thigh. It’s a subtle notion that brings Eddie comfort.

“Richie, can I tell you something?” Eddie asks, just as the plane starts to move towards the runway. It’s weird wanting to tell the guy you’re gay when you’re 1) supposed to hate them, 2) have a crush on them and 3) only just became really good friends with.

“Sure Eds.” Now he’s dreading it and wants to back down. He tries to think of anything else to say to Richie.

“Okay, first off, don’t call me that. Second of all, I think I’m gay.” Richie doesn’t say anything, he blinks a couple of times and then smiles. 

“So am I.” Eddie reciprocates the smile. “What do you think happened between our families?” It ties in, so Eddie wasn’t at all surprised by the question. It had, of course, been burning into his mind ever since he found out that Richie was actually a really nice guy. Richie decides to impulsively pinch Eddie’s cheeks, Eddie wacks his hand away and rubs his cheek and tries to cover the crimson colour that his face is turning.

Once Eddie gets a hold of himself, suppressing the butterflies and the blush that had occurred, he says, “I don’t know, whatever it was, it must’ve been bad. I was told that it was something to do with homophobia.”

“I was told something a little more broad, just a disagreement that went against church beliefs.” 

****

By the time they reached Beverly’s beach house, it’s almost 8pm, Richie pays the taxi driver and collects his suitcase from the trunk of the car. “Right, shall we?” Richie says in his terrible British accent. The house looks fairly fancy, considering it was owned by Alvin Marsh, parts were still a little old-fashioned like the outside light fixtures and the original part before the odd & modern extension out the back, other than that it was pretty modern. The squared look, the clear open floor plan, since the curtains are drawn back, you can see in from the curb. 

“Molly, how are you?” Richie greets as the redheaded girl opens the door.

“Great Richard, and don’t call me Molly.” She steps aside to let Richie and Eddie step in. “So this is the guy you’ve been blabbing to me about. Wait! Isn’t he -”

The look in Bev’s eyes ... Eddie knows that she knows. Even though he had never hung out with her in high school, it was obvious that she knows who he is. 

“Edward?!” Stan spits. “This is the guy you’ve been whining about!?”

“Give him a break Stanley, Eddie was almost valedictorian, tutored, did babysitting and volunteering.” Ben pipes up. 

Ben wasn’t part of Richie’s friendship group, but Eddie did know that he had a massive crush on Bev. It was obvious, he would stare hopefully all English class, Eddie found it kinda pathetic but knew what it was like to be pining for someone he couldn’t have. His crush on Richie went away after high school but came rushing back at the start of the year when they had inadvertently sat beside each other in psychology. 

“It’s the obvious story of Romeo and Juliet!” Beverly cries cheerfully. 

Before Richie or Eddie could butt in, Ben comments, “Can I make a Degrassi reference babe?” Bev rolls her eyes and nods towards Ben, “It’s Romeo and Jules.” 

Richie looks at Eddie cautiously, trying to eyeball and sudden change in demeanour that may signal that Eddie doesn’t like him. “I’m the Capulet, Bill is my Tybalt!” Eddie screams, Richie only laughs and kisses Eddie.

“So, Eddie Spaghetti, does that make Bev and Stan my ‘Benvolio’ and ‘Mercutio’?” Richie whispers against Eddie’s lips.

“If you want them to be.” The two laugh into yet another kiss.

“Okay okay, keep it PG-rated! We don’t want any nonsense!” Beverly says jokingly.

Now that they were far away from Derry and far away from their parents and their parents’ feud. The two took it upon themselves to start a clean slate for the Toziers and Kaspbraks. Eddie ponders on the thought that if Romeo and Juliet didn’t die, they’d unite their families, just like he hopes for Richie and him. 

[shades-of-grayro]

Greyro [Platoni-/Idem-/Quoi- or Other?]

[This is a submission to the prompt where I asked for people’s experiences with their greyromantic identities.]

CW: Brief mention of suicidal ideation

Between a-spec discourse affecting tumblr communities and not fitting the “I’ve been romance-repulsed since age 5” stereotype of aromantic, I didn’t realize that I might be somewhere under the aro umbrella (aro-spec but not aromantic) until this year [2019, aged 25].

I’m not particularly fond of self-gaslighting past-me. I had that butterflies in the stomach feeling, talked about crushes with friends, was under the impression I felt romantic attraction, and wasn’t horribly bothered by romantic stuff (the heteronormativity was more noticeable). It’s easier to look back and see that I had crushes on X people because I was realizing I was queer, I didn’t do Y activity because I was trying to minimize gender dysphoria on a certain level, or that I may have had multiple simultaneous crushes because of the latent poly-flexibility.

I went through more than one life event that very much changed me, and I would go so far as to say that there’s a resulting ‘before’ and 'after’ me. Number one, I had a crush on a same-sex friend of several years - at the time, we were dealing with same-gender stuff - and our friendship ultimately didn’t survive. It might be a little too “woo” for some, but incorrect energy connections played a part in having a mismatched energy cord that led to everything feeling so strong, deep, and all-consuming on my end.

It felt an awful lot like descriptions of alloromantic love. It felt incredibly scary that I lost my sense of self for a bit. The same-gender aspect made it hard to talk about with anyone given the environment we were in, and it was embarrassing that my first depressive episode was kicked off from a mismanaged friendship/relationship rejection. It was incredibly annoying to have to deal with severing our energy cord after the friendship took about two years to slowly die (it was like a slow ghosting experience given that school required minimal interaction).

It still felt like I got crushes after that, though. I had had enough time to find a different environment concerning queer self-acceptance and peer acceptance (undergrad), and I was finally getting around to the ways I had 'shut myself down’ or avoided certain “normal” young adult milestones in order to avoid dysphoria. (Insert realizations around why I never felt “ready” to date, was too nervous to hookup with strangers, and other awkward matters.) I also poked around at polyamory and kink related stuff throughout the years (sometimes purely for research purposes, and other times because it seemed relevant).

Big life event number two involved holy shit levels of depression and suicidal ideation. (The pressures of undergrad didn’t exactly play nicely with my brain issues.) On a certain level, there truly is the person I was before I got to that point, and then there’s the me that survived. And the me that survived did not do so because of any romantic partner “saving/fixing” me, regardless of what some tropes would like to show. A series of small, platonic actions from several friends really did help at my most critical time (and then, after a certain 2016 event, I vowed that I’d outlive a certain person in the White House out of spite).

-

Pulling this all together:

I’m pretty sure I used to experience romantic attraction (or something very close).

I personally don’t think I 'loved platonically’ when it came to having crushes every time it happened, even if they were on friends.

I think the life events I went through - most strongly noticed after surviving suicidal shit - were the equivalent of the body prioritizing heating the core instead of the extremities in extreme cold. The vital to living parts of me made it through.

To use an analogy, the circuits for romantic attraction are still there, but I think they’re burned out or only partially working.

I feel as if I’ve lost the ability to differentiate between platonic and romantic.

I’m not bothered by doing activities that a partner interprets as romantic and/or an outsider would read as romantic as long as the partner and I have negotiated what romantic means to them and my/our limits. (Keeping in mind that polyam and kink shenanigans means that “romantic” can look, well, different.)

I can’t guarantee that the circuits for romantic attraction are completely damaged and will never, ever work again. I suspect they may not work at “full power” and/or may not work under “normal” expected conditions (cishet, all attraction combined together at one person, mono-amorous, sexually monogamous, preferably vanilla).

It truly is important to managing my mental illness(es) that I not completely socially isolate myself, which means I am willing to place a higher priority on friendship maintenance so I have a support network. I’m not entirely sure I can live alone long-term, especially if I go through another depressive low that gets Code Red.

-

In relation to the tumblr aro community:

Due to the individual differences in what someone considers romantic compared to another, it feels like I don’t have the proper translator to interact with some content. (I’m still not sure how to explain that polyam and kink resulting in “non-normative” displays of affection and relationship styles makes it hard to tell if I just have a Weird form of love and showing affection.)

Yeah, I know “it’s just a meme”, but sometimes aromantic shorthand makes every interaction Only Romantic. (Sighs at xyz component of having a roommate being painted as romantic again because, apparently, only the alloroms cohabitate. Only the alloroms eat lunch in public. We have yet to wrangle the myriad forms of platonic interaction and/or intimacy from the dreaded alloroms. </sarcasm>)

But really. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not fluent in the language of what romantic even looks like because the utterly disgusting thing that a romance-repulsed person wants to avoid is, like, the trust exercise I did with a friend as part of a class or something. (Sometimes, I feel like I’m straddling platoniromantic, idemromantic, or even quoiromantic, but it’s hard to pinpoint any further than greyro or aro-spec.)

Quite frankly, sometimes, the hard split into 'choose aroace or alloaro’ doesn’t always maintain the impression that you can choose to keep your sexuality to yourself, choose to prioritize your aromanticism in this particular conversation, have a complicated relationship to the allo/ace question in the first place, or have some other reason for not wanting to sort yourself into aroace or alloaro.

tl;dr: The aro spectrum is useful even if I don’t always fit into aromantic/aro discussions. I’d appreciate not being viewed as “basically alloromantic” or Alloro Lite.

[anotheronechicagobog]

Back In Chicago Part 2 Warnings: swearing

Written by @anotheronechicagobog

You’d stayed with your moms for a couple of nights, but things were pretty crowded because they’d decided to foster a set of twins who’d been in the system since birth. They had physical, mental, and emotional health problems that they didn’t deserve and needed attention. So, until you had your life sorted out, you were living with your dad. It had its perks, you got to make up for lost time, meet- and hear- his girlfriend April Sexton. She was wonderful, a strong intelligent woman who loved your dad dearly. Initially, she had been nervous around you, trying to find ways to get you to approve of her. After weeks of stuttering, nervous faces at breakfast, and jumping apart whenever you entered the room, you’d had enough. “Hey, April, can I talk to you?” She froze. The look on her face was one of sheer terror and you didn’t quite know how to feel about causing her to have that reaction. On the one hand, it meant that I meant a lot to my dad, on the other hand, I felt so damn awful that she looked like I had just brutally murdered a litter of puppies in front of her. “Is everything alright? Is there anything that I can do to-”

“Okay, that’s it. I am sick of this. You look terrified of me all the time! Everyone talks about how amazing and badass you are and I don’t get to see that side of you-”

“Y/N-”

“No. Let me finish. You are amazing. You make my dad so happy, and that’s all that I want for him. I want to get to know you too so that I can truly feel like you are apart of the family.”

“Really? You approve of me dating your dad? I mean, I’m only a few years older than you and a lot younger than your dad, I mean, isn’t it weird for you?”

“Ha, I’m a prom night baby who grew up with two moms, a military dad, and a gender-fluid bisexual grandma, I grew up with ‘strange’ and I love it, just like I’ll love my brother or sister. Plus, like I said, as long as dad’s happy so am I. And as long as you’re not evil, like a serial killer or something.”

“Haha, no, definitely not a serial killer. But that is a huge relief. I really do love your dad so much. There, uh, is something that I need to tell you though. I’m pregnant.”

“Wow, really? That’s great! How are you feeling?”

“You’re okay with this?”

“My moms are thinking about adopting the twins, who are in their pre-teens. Sure there’s a large age gap between me the twins, and your baby, but that’s ok. I’ll still get to be a big sister, and since I’m so much older, they can’t take my stuff.” I chuckled, I’d heard from friends that having sisters around your age was rough, so I was glad that I wasn’t having to deal with that. April gave a weak smile, but she still looked nervous, I stepped forward and gave her a hug. “I want you to know that I’m here for you. I’ll support and help with whatever you want and need. Probably starting with moving out. I’ve already found an apartment and a job, I’m moving out this week, I told dad earlier. So, I can get out of your hair and come over to help when needed.”

 “What? You can stay longer Y/N, your dad’s really enjoyed having you here, I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.”

“I don’t, it’s just that I’m gonna need some space, and you’re gonna need the guest room for the baby. Like I said, I’ll come over if you need me. The job I’ve taken is in a private practice, so there are more regular hours. Why don’t we go out for lunch, just the two of us? To hang out and get to know each other better.”

“That sounds like a great idea. I’ve been craving ravioli like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Ha, I know just the place.”

You and April were sitting in your favourite Italian place, dipping bread into oil after ordering. “This is how you know that an Italian place is good, isn’t it? When they give you bread and fancy oil on a small plate.”

“Yeah, I guess. How far along are you, April?”

“Three months.”

“Wow, how are you feeling?”

“Tired, sore and nauseous. Just how you’d expect any pregnant woman to feel, I guess.”

“Not that there was anything wrong with you telling me, but why didn’t my dad do it?”

“He’s been a nervous wreck, didn’t know how you were going to react. You mean a lot to him, a lot more than he lets on. You guys had spent so long not communicating, and he’s just afraid to lose that. He loves you so much.”

“He loves you too, you know. He talks about you all the time, he lights up whenever you walk into a room, and I know that he thinks you’re incredibly intelligent and admires that about you. I am so happy for both of you.”

“Thanks.”

“No, I should be thanking you. My dad has always been kind of alone, and I worried a lot about him growing up because of it. It’s because he’s got this idea in his head that he isn’t good enough. He ends up pushing people away and sometimes acts like a douche, which he told me he acted like that towards you. Which is part of why I like you, you love each other, and when my dad shoves his head up his ass, you don’t run, or sympathize, you tell him to cut the crap and communicate the issue properly so that it can be appropriately dealt with.” April’s eyes were misting over, and she put her hand over her mouth. You reached out and grabbed her other hand, squeezing gently. Taking a deep breath, April moved her hand and smiled. “Alright ladies, here’s your food. Now, who had the ravioli?” April giggled and raised her hand sheepishly. Food in front of you, the conversation turned to something lighter.

 “I’ve been catching up on the ‘Fantastic Beasts’ books, I’d been busy so I just hadn’t read any of them, but they’re really good.”

“We had this one patient in ED who came in because he thought his arm was severed when really it just got caught in his shirt when he tried to get dressed after getting completely wasted and streaking through a park.”

“Despite having lived in Chicago basically my whole life, I’d never been to the aquarium. So a couple of days ago Jay and I went and there was this-”

“Wait, you went on a date with Detective Jay Halstead and you’re only bringing this up now?”

“It wasn’t a date. It was just us hanging out.”

“Ha! You two ‘just hanging out’! That’s gold, you two have so much chemistry. Other nurses and doctors were talking about it the entire time you guys were in your room together. Will, Jay’s brother, was excited for both of you, but Ethan spent two days fuming because of it! He’s still grumpy about it with Will. Are you hanging out with him anytime soon?”

“Later today, when I will move all of my stuff into my new apartment.”

“... I’m sorry, what? He’s helping you move? Today? Don’t you think that’s moving a little fast?”

“I told you, we’re not dating. He has a truck and I need a way to move all of my stuff. We get along and stuff, so it just seemed like a good idea. My dad’s going to flip his lid, isn’t he?”

“He definitely is, but I’ll see if I can help you to minimize it.”

“Thanks. I don’t want to disappoint him.”

“I don’t think that there is anything you could do to make your dad disappointed in you.” You sighed and gave April a weak smile, as thanks for her encouraging words.

When your dad got home from work, the living room was hosting your boxes and bags. When you were going abroad you decided to do a major purge of things and clothes, and you didn’t have any furniture, so all there was to move were two suitcases, a large hiking backpack, and four boxes. “Hey, what’s going on, are you moving into the new place today? You know that you can stay longer, right?”

“Yeah, I know, dad, but I want my space, plus you’ll need more room with a baby on the way.”

“April told you? I’m so sorry-”

“For what? Giving me a younger sibling to love? C’mon dad, I’m really happy for you, and April is amazing. I’m moving out because I’m an adult and more than capable of taking care of myself, besides, the place I’m moving to is a ten-minute walk, we’ll still be able to see each other. What if we have family dinners or game nights or something?”

“That sounds like a great idea. Your new roommate is coming to help you move, right? And speaking of, why aren’t you living on your own?”

“Well, it’s cheaper for one, also, the apartment was her place first so, yeah. So, I kinda have to live with her if I want to live in the amazing apartment. And she is going to help me unpack, but someone else is helping me move. He should be here soon.”

“Is your roommate anyone I know?” 

 “Yes. I’m moving in with Sylvie Brett.”

“And the ‘he’ helping ypu move, do I know him?” You could tell from the look in his eye that he already had an idea of who he might be, but wanted to be wrong. Your dad took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jay Halstead”

 “Why? Why him?”

“He has a truck and we get along.”

“What do you mean you ‘get along’, have you been seeing him?”

“Not romantically, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Yes, that’s what I’m worried about! The way you guys were interacting... I saw how you looked at each other. If you wanted to I think you two could really be something.”

“Then why are you so against it?”

“Well, I could say that it’s because he’s a cop and you’ll either be in danger because of him. Or you’ll be worrying about him day and night. Or it could be because he is still in love with the ex who just up and left him. Or I could be honest and say that I’m not ready for this. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much of your life sometimes and I just want to be around you more. I just realized that you’re attracted to men and someday I won’t be the most important man in your life. I don’t want that day to come ever, honestly, but, if it has to happen, can it not be so soon?”

“That’s not how life works, dad. And like I said, I’m moving really close by and we can start family nights. Just... please don’t hate me.” He sighed. “I could never hate you. Ever. I love you so much.” You clung to each other, neither wanting to let go. You both stood there for several minutes when your phone pinged from on top of a box. You both separated, your dad kissing your hair. You checked your phone. “It’s him, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, he’s downstairs.”

“I’ll buzz him up.” It was only a minute or so before you heard a knock on the door. Your dad moved from the wall he was leaning on, and sighed, taking one last look at you before answering the door. “Detective Halstead.”

“Dr. Choi.” Your dad was still blocking the doorway, so that Jay couldn’t get in. “Dad?” He sighed again. “Come on in.” He moved out of the doorway, letting Jay inside. He went straight for you pulling you into an embrace. “Hey, how are you? Are you ready to move?” You looked at your dad, who had a look of acceptance in his eyes. You smiled. “Yes. I am.”

[garregmachmatchups]

hi mod ava!! would i please be able to request a regular matchup?? i’m bi, so i don’t mind any gender. i hope this isn’t too much info, but i hope the layout makes it readable?? thank you so much!! 

personality

the good: 

curious

i love to learn? is that a good thing? (as long as I’m not being graded on it,,, otherwise that’s a disaster)

open-minded

thoughtful

good conversationalist/listener (or, at least I’d like to think so,,, i can talk for hours and hours)

trustworthy (ish)

compassionate (or at least, i try to be!!)

patient

accepting (within reason aadjsdfkjhfds essentially i just try to not judge people)

understanding (i do my very best!!)

the bad:

prone to catastrophizing (that’s the anxiety poking through)

indecisive (I cannot make a decision to save my life)

shy (it’s not that I’m quiet or withdrawn, I’m just Deeply Afraid Of Rejection)

unforgiving (while I can be pretty patient, once I’m done with someone, I’m Done)

prone to melancholy (I do my best to fight it, but that melancholy be Strong)

overthinker (i literally write a whole dissertation in my head about a topic literally No One cares about… or i’ll decide to pick apart my relationships with others when it’s really not that deep. this one’s a mixed bag.)

irresponsible (ish. i can take care of myself and my roommate, but i get a bit scared of Responsibility with a capital R. idk if i’m making much sense but,,, i can take responsibility, i’m just scared i’ll mess up so i try not to?? ir’s something i really need to work on)

the neutral:

opinionated (I’m putting it as a neutral trait bc I’ve been told that I’m “interesting to talk to” because of it, but my god… sometimes I wish I’d just calm down,,, and there are just some things it’s not worth being opinionated on, you know?)

Sensitive (with a capital s) 

imaginative (fun for creative things, bad when your catastrophizing)

talkative (for similar reasons as opinionated… I love to talk and I have So Much to say, but sometimes I wish I’d just learn to… shut my damn mouth)

my sense of humour (i’d describe myself as a “chaos goblin”, and one of my friends once said I’m a “mixed bag of human”, meaning that he can never predict what I’m going to say to him next; essentially i have a very “flexible” sense of humour, but the more absurd, the better)

perceptive (neutral just bc while it’s good when dealing with people I like, it’s fuel for anxiety)

a bit of a “mum friend” (in the sense that,,, i’m always concerned with people’s health and wellbeing but that can come off as overbearing at times? and it’s ironic that i’m a mum friend because as stated earlier, i can be kind of irresponsible hhh)

Interests

reading (when I can actually commit to a book sjkdfhs)

writing (when I’m not LAZY!! Also, my genres tend to be more along fantasy or urban fantasy lines? A little sci-fi, when I’m not scared off by trying to do worldbuilding for that genre because O H B O Y science & technology is a LOT scarier than magic tbh)

trawling Wikipedia for an unreasonably long time

drawing

character analysis (my favourite part of engaging with any new media skdfhkfhj)

anthropology (it’s my uni major and I love it!! so much!! i could talk about it for hours!!)

history (shamefully, i am a nerd)

art history (I LOVE ART, my fave artist is probably alphonse mucha? If you’ve never seen his stuff definitely have a look! It’s A Lot but it’s stunning)

sociolinguistics (it’s so interesting!! And I guess languages too, but I’m so bad at learning them asjfdhddsklj)

fashion (in a way? I just love pretty clothes, and my style is… a lot of patterns, especially animals and flowers, and it’s retro-adjacent?)

D O G S

most animals tbh (I love foxes and owls! i also adore mythological creatures, like dragons and griffins and all that)

again, i hope this isn’t too much!! thank you again, and i hope you enjoy the rest of 2019!! (when will i stop using exclamation marks my goodness–)

Hewooo!💕Omg I love your matchups I can’t believe you asked me for one I feel honored lsfdjdjakj. I really hope I don’t disappoint lol. Also haha I got inspired. So without further ado, let’s get to it! Your match is…

Claude von Riegan!!! 

Bro you and Claude are like two peas in a pod. You both share a passion for knowledge, curious about the world and people around you. It’s a big part of who you are, which makes it all the more important for you to find someone who sympathizes with that need. For Claude, it’s one of his biggest motivators. Same as you, he appreciates different cultures and societies greatly. For that he needs someone who is open-minded and accepting, someone who can support his dreams, a world without borders, as well as someone who can accept who he truly is. With Claude’s curious nature, he always looks to be engaged, so your conversational and passionate character would certainly be intriguing to him. I can just imagine you two going on about for hours and hours, discussing anything and everything that comes to mind, especially about stuff relating to different cultures and different ways of life. Because Claude is more on the lighthearted side, someone with a sense of humor would be best suited for him, so someone who is as “chaotic” and unpredictable as you would be perfect to keep him engrossed and prying. All the same, Claude’s light-heartedness would be greatly beneficial to you, as you often struggle with anxious thoughts and feelings. A calm presence in your life to remind you things aren’t as bad as they seem, especially one as rational and reasoned as Claude. As we all know though, Claude despite acting light-hearted is quite secretive and wary of others. Therefore the fact that you have a trustworthiness about you could really get Claude to open up to you more so than to others. You being patient and perceptive would also be of great help, knowing Claude has his reasons as well as you being willing to wait until he opens up. Together, you’d be sure to change yourselves and the world for the better

Headcannons:

When you first meet Claude, you are incredibly drawn to him, as he possesses a very mysterious air about him, which of course only entices your curiosity.

Claude, sensing this, in turn, becomes curious about you (meanwhile everyone else just senses sexual tension)

Um, lowkey a detective couple? Discovering the mysteries of the world together…or your classmates’ secrets

Also tea time with you guys is #DEEP. Just thinking about the world and life in general

Sometimes it just turns into you rambling about your opinions or just in general things you want to talk about and Clause just listening to you with admiration or vice versa where he just talks about his vision of the world and you just staring at him in wonder, just goals

When Claude first hears you talking so passionately about stuff like anthropology and history, he immediately goes “Yep, they’re definitely the one”

He really appreciates how patient you are with him, even when you are curious about him. He promises though that one day he’ll share everything with you

Claude is always there to help whenever you start overthinking or catastrophizing, as he always has a logical argument as to why the situation is not as it seems. If it’s something more serious though and you really start panicking, he’ll hug you while reassuringly tell you it’s okay (he doesn’t always help with the indecisiveness though, like my bro how are you so chill about every decision you take)

He could also be of great help with your fear of responsibility, teaching you to have faith in yourself

Loves that you are imaginative, seriously you just brought his schemes up to a whole new level

Also haha chaotic couple, people are either dying of laughter with you guys around or are super confused about your dynamic (or scared who knows)

I get the impression that because Claude is always so immersed in his goals and responsibilities he has, he sometimes forgets to take care of himself, so you being a sort of mom friend would definitely be good for him

Umm also i’m pretty sure Claude loves dogs and animals (he rides a wyvern for christ sakes). He’ll totally take you out on a ride on his wyvern, just soaring across the sky seeing the world

If you’d ever take an interest in Almyran art history or fashion the man will love you forever. Honestly just taking an interest in the Almyran culture, history, etc. Will increase his love tenfold

Ughhh I just stan

Other matches: Ignatz Victor, Petra Macneary

Hope you enjoyed the matchup! If you feel like you weren’t portrayed correctly/I misinterpreted your information let me know and I’ll make the corrections!

[yehet-me-up]

Enchanting

Pairing: Mingyu x trans guy!reader

Genre: fluff, coffee shop AU (I cannot believe it is 2k19 and I haven’t done a coffee shop yet, it’s about time!)

Word Count: 1,746

Request: Would it be alright if you did a friends to lovers drabble with Mingyu or Chanyeol and a trans guy reader? Hello sweet bean! Your wish is my command, I so hope you enjoy this <3

It's cold and rainy and disgusting the day you meet him.

The city seems to know you're new in town and unsure of yourself. Any other day and you'd delight in the gentle fall of rain, smearing the edges of the city and surrounding you with the soft sound of cleansing and renewal.

But today, you're stressed; and the entire world seems to know it.

The bus was ten minutes late and you had to walk into your very first college class looking like a hot, frazzled mess. A car drove by and splashed frigid water onto your brand new boots in the afternoon. Your binder refuses to stop itching and you'd murder someone for a decent cup of coffee.

The entire world feels unwelcoming and harsh, you think in a sour mood. 

Everywhere aside from this hole in the wall coffee shop, that is.

As if the universe heard your prayer you find it on a back street, two blocks from the student union. You look in through the window in disbelief. 

The ceiling is high and draws in all the light it can, making the space feel cozy and welcoming despite the fall chill. You stand and shake the water from your hair and coat before pulling open the door to step inside.

A few of the circular polished birch tables are filled with other students getting a head start on homework for the quarter. A couple at a back table holds hands and smiles at each other over the rims of their large white mugs, filled with something steaming. It feels like a pocket of quiet and serenity in an otherwise frantic town.

Suddenly you shiver and remember how freezing you are. You turn to look up at the menu.

The walls are an off-white brick, the menu is a chalkboard that dominates the wall behind the counter. Neat letters list off the daily specials, the coffees and the teas, and you lick your lips in anticipation of the delicious warmth of a hazelnut latte.

The man behind the counter hums while he wipes down the machines. He looks about your age, maybe a bit older. His soothing voice blends in with the music coming through the speakers and you wonder what sort of dream you walked in on. Something about him makes your shoulders drop and some of the tension slide off of you.

He notices you watching him and straightens. His warm eyes take in the wet hair plastered to your forehead, the way your fingers grip the strap of your backpack, and the clothes you wore today because they finally make you feel like yourself.

'Hey, how's it going?' he asks, walking closer to you.

He's taller than you thought, now that's he's standing up straight. You had wondered if your tastes in men would change, now that the whirlwind of thoughts about your own gender finally resolved themselves into a cohesive whole. 

But no, you think, fighting your first real smile of the day, I still have a thing for the tall ones.

'Hanging in there,' you answer, clearing your throat and working on lowering the pitch to what feels right. 'How about you?'

'It's been good,' he says. 'But it's better now that someone in here finally has some decent music taste.'

You frown in confusion and he laughs softly, pointing and making you look down to the band tee you're wearing. 'Oh! You like them too?'

'Sure do. Not many people in this neighborhood are fans, are you new in town?'

He rests a long arm on the counter and waits patiently for you to respond, as if he’s in no hurry. 

You wonder if he's always this nice to new customers. If he knows that his long lashes and dimple will get him big tips, especially if he flirts. But you don't get the sense that he's putting on a front; he genuinely seems interested. The idea makes your stomach flip.

'I am. Just started at the U today. Is it obvious I don't fit in here?' you say with a laugh, scratching your neck self-consciously.

Coming to school out of state sounded like a good idea, a fresh start. A chance to be you, without anyone around who knew you before you started transitioning. It helps that you finally feel like yourself, or that you're on your way, at least. But today has been so much, all you want is a friendly face and a hug.

'No, not at all,' he counters with that damn megawatt smile again. 'I just haven't seen you before. And I'd definitely have remembered.'

'Oh.' The word leaves you unintentionally, without your permission. Despite the cold you feel your cheeks heating up. Okay, so. He might sort of possibly definitely be flirting. We got this.

'Well, if your hazelnut latte is good I think this will be my regular study spot.’

He laughs, a rich sound that wraps around you, stronger and more seductive than the smell of espresso. 

‘So, no pressure then,’ he quips. He pretends to roll up his non-existent sleeves and moves to the machine to begin steaming the milk.

You look around the place while he makes your order, mostly so you don’t stare at the cupid’s bow of his lips while he works. 

The art on the walls is subtle, abstract. You wonder if he chose it, he feasibly seems old enough to be the kind of person who could own a place like this. Or he could just happen to be the only person working here.

‘So what’s your name?’ he asks, drawing you back.

You tell him, standing up straighter and prouder as you say your new name, your real name. 

He nods to himself and slides the tall glass towards you, taking the card you set on the counter to run it through the machine. You wrap your hands around it, sighing as the warmth works its way through the cold in your fingers.

Before you can chicken out, you ask him what his name is. Casually, confidently. He somehow seems to make you both excited and relaxed and you don’t want the moment to end.

‘I’m Mingyu. I’m a Sophomore at the U,’ he says with a smile, handing your card back. ‘I work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays after class. If you happen to like it.’

Once again he makes you frown in confusion; once again he chuckles happily, motioning to the drink you hold. ‘The latte, I mean.’

‘Oh.’ To hide your smile you take a sip of the drink. You want to moan out loud it’s so good. Instead, you tell him so. ‘It’s perfect.’

He holds your gaze for a long moment and a warmth runs through your veins that has nothing to do with hot coffee. Then the jingle of a bell sounds behind you and you turn to see three girls push through the door, shivering and talking excitedly about hot chocolates. 

When you look back, Mingyu is still watching you with a faint smile. Maybe it’s your imagination, but he looks sad to be called away.

‘I’ll see you around,’ you say, walking to find a table.

To avoid embarrassing yourself you bury your head in your thick textbook and laptop and busy yourself with note-taking. When you look up two hours later, night has fallen and there’s someone new at the register, a petite girl with red hair. You wonder what time he got off work, if he thought about waving to you and you missed it.

You wonder where he goes, if he lives with someone. Roommates or a girlfriend or boyfriend maybe. You stick your pen between your lips and wonder if he’ll remember you the next time you come in.

The next time, two days later, he looks up at the sound of the bell and smiles when he sees you. His eyes crinkle at the edges and his face is so warm and welcoming you wonder if he was expecting you, or perhaps waiting for you.

‘Hey stranger,’ he says with a sly smile. ‘How’s your day? Same thing today?’

You nod, so pleased that you have to bite your lip to avoid grinning and giving yourself away entirely.

‘Classes are good. I think I’m getting the hang of this town finally. I’m not too sure about this intro to comp lit class I’m taking, though. I might drop it but I’ll see after class tomorrow and -’ Oh god, I’m rambling.

You take a deep breath and let it out with an amused laugh. ‘Yes, another hazelnut latte would be perfect, thank you.’

He asks you about your favorite song from the band you talked about yesterday while he makes the drink. Every answer you give you try to keep short, to turn the conversation back to him, if only to hear his low, sweet voice and to watch the way his brows shoot up every time he gets excited.

When you slide your card across the counter he waves you off, saying it’s on the house.

Blessedly, no one else comes in to take his attention away, and you talk until the glass is empty. This time, the interruption comes in the form of another co-worker, tapping Mingyu out. He grins at you and lifts the apron over his head.

‘Want to grab dinner? My shift is finally over,’ Mingyu says, reaching down below the counter to find a backpack. He slips it over his shoulder and comes around the counter to stand in front of you.

The word YES feels like it wants to burst from you, but first, you have to know.  ‘As like… friends?’  You say nervously, forgetting to pitch your voice lower.

He looks down, biting his lip. ‘I don’t give my friends free coffee,’ he says smoothly, looking up at you through his lashes and sliding his hands into his pockets. ‘I make them pay double.’

The two of you laugh. ‘Okay, then,’ you say, sure that by now you’re grinning like an idiot at him.

The dimple in his cheek deepens as his lips pull back into a smile. ‘Okay, then.’

The strands of lights around the room give it a soft glow, and you think to yourself this truly is a magical place. As you push out into the once again drizzling and chilly evening you’re glad you’re taking Mingyu and all his light and warmth with you this time.

[jcnkrats]

guess who’s back at it again?? it’s phe, hello world, you already know who i am, so let me introduce you to my second son, the junkrat. see below for all relevant information!! (like this or react on discord for plots!!)

skeleton: the junkrat

faceclaim: avan jogia

name: zayn anthony

gender & pronouns: cis male, he/him

age: twenty-two

major: mechanical engineering, studio art minor

clubs: environmental conservation club, gsa president

living arrangement: probably a one person dorm on campus but if u want a roommate connection come talk to me

employment: valet at giovanni’s 

you can find his full biography at this link here, but if you’re looking for a more tldr version, keep reading below!!

grew up in ashmont w/ just his mom. his dad was like...there but wasn’t very present in his life so that’s a thing

fell in love w/ his neighbor, wanted to scream about his relationship to the world, but his neighbor (lucas) was embarrassed to be seen with zayn so he made zayn keep their relationship a secret

(suicide tw!) and they were fine with that for a while until senior year, when lucas took his own life and left zayn to mourn in secret

this is when he turned to art, as it was the only way he knew to express his emotions

he got a full ride to st. etienne’s bc of his grades and his financial situation (he’s lowkey smart, underrated smart, still a bit of an idiot smart), and just wants to do his best

first generation college student!! 

very very very gay!! (sexuality is fluid tho ya know, so you never know what could happen!!)

headcannons:

zayn is closer to his mom than to his dad. he ended up coming out to her soon after lucas passed away. she is the only other person who knows about their relationship. she apologized for every comment she had ever made about him not having a girlfriend, he forgave her immediately.

zayn knows a shit ton about cars and i do not, but that’s okay!! we’re gonna get through this!! the car he has right now is very reminiscent of bella swan’s from the twilight saga. we’re talking orange, we’re talking old, we’re talking kind of a piece of shit. he’s done a lot of work on it but it’s still a piece of absolutely shit, so instead, he gets around more often on the motorcycle that he made from scratch using scraps that he found!!

he really wants to just make art for a living, but he knows that he’s probably not going to have the chance to do that, so instead, he’s sort of settled on the fact that he’s probably going to be in some sort of an engineering job for a manufacturing plant for the rest of his life. this does not mesh well with zayn, he wants to leave his mark on the world, mechanical engineering does not let him leave his mark on the world

this is not his secret  but it is sort of a secret?? this goes with wanting to leave his mark on the world, but he loves graffiti. he’s regular grade a miles morales in that he likes leaving little pieces of art everywhere he can. if you look closely around town, you can see lots of places where stickers of his art are

zayn plays as luigi when he plays mario party/kart!!

has a v e r y questionable fashion taste, but it’s okay, as long as he’s happy, that’s all that matters, we stan forever

definitely owns at least two vape pens so that when he misplaces one, he cane still use the other (*tyra banks vc* nicotine addiction, but make it fashion)

definitely a huge optimist, even tho things can be really rough sometimes

is honestly really scared of graduating and moving away from his mom. he’s convinced he’ll probably stay in ashmont (or at least connecticut) forever

connection to daisy

“do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?”

zayn nodded, hoping that would satisfy the man’s request, but when he continued to stare at him expectantly, he figured that a more vocal answer was probably more what they were looking for. “i do,” he said, taking a deep breath to prepare for the intense conversation he knew was ahead of him.

“tell us everything you know about the disappearance of daisey rutherford.”

he thought back to that night, to the party, to the way that oz’s house had felt. he had left early, had wanted to stop by the junkyard on the way home, didn’t like the crowds and the smell of liquor and sweat and weed all rolled into one. he just needed some time to himself, and the junkyard was the one place he knew he could get that. he hadn’t meant to stumble across a dead body. “i saw her earlier that night at a party, at oz lamar’s house. she made me drive her there, i presume so that she didn’t drive under the influence, i don’t know, i didn’t ask, she didn’t answer. a little bit into the night i told her i was leaving, to text me if she needed me to drive her home. i never heard from her. the next time i saw her was when i found her, dead, on my way home from the junkyard.”

“what was your relationship with ms. rutherford? why were you the one driving her to the party?”

“we had a sort of…agreement,” he said, not knowing if that was the right word to use for the relationship that daisey and him had. “she knew that my family was not exactly well off and that i’ve always had sort of a penchant for cars. so, whenever she needed her car fixed up or a ride somewhere, she’d ask me to do it for her, and she’d hand me cash under the table for it. without her, i don’t know if i could have afforded to buy food or gas or anything of the sort.”

“so would you consider the two of you close?”

he chuckled softly with a slight shake of his head. “not at all, daisey wasn’t close to anyone, let alone people she considered beneath her. i was more like the help than an equal, someone who worked for her, not with her. if it weren’t for the money, i don’t know if i ever would have helped her. we operated in very different circles, with very different types of people.”

“how can we be sure you were not responsible for ms. rutherford’s death?”

“officer, i’ve dealt with the untimely death of a young person before, someone who was extremely close to me. i still haven’t recovered from it.” he paused for a moment. “i wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

connection ideas!!

people he’s hooked up w/ in the past, present, or future

someone who also grew up near him who was very *eyes emoji* about him and lucas

an unrequited crush (someone crushing on him)

other scholarship kids who he can play “look at all the weird rich people” with

pals

people who dislike him because he’s poor

anything at all!! let’s do this shit!! 

[devilsknotrp]

Congratulations, Rory! You have been accepted for the role of Perry Esposito (FC: Peter Gadiot). It would be too easy to write Perry as a strict black sheep, as someone without a deep hurt, who was just some tough guy. He’s really not. And you’ve brought that out in him. There were so many elements of your application that just rang so true. Perry being gently friendly to people he meets; his diligence; his quiet resolve. Perry was never going to be an in-your-face character, but he is a subtly intense one, and you’ve managed to sharpen his edges. Your writing sample was also beautifully written and so, so sad. Thank you for bringing to light how painful heartbreak can be - and how it can linger for longer than you’d expect. This was a wonderful application. Please have a look at this page prior to sending in your account.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: Rory Age: 22 Pronouns: They/Them or He/Him Timezone: CST Activity estimation: I’ll definitely be able to keep up with the requirements here. Depending on how strong my muse is (and how exhausted I am by the end of any given day) I’ll most likely be around most nights. If I had to give it a guess on a scale of 1 - 10, I’d put myself at about a 7!? Triggers: [Redacted]

IN CHARACTER: BASICS

Full name: Perry Esposito Age (DD/MM/YYY): 30 (09/07/1966) - Libra sun, Gemini rising, Pisces moon Gender: Cis Male Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Homosexual Homoromantic Occupation: Bartender Connection to Victim: Perry was aware of their existence in the way that in a small town, everyone knows everyone, but he can’t say he was even acquainted with them. The closest he’d come to having a conversation with the woman- Linda- was nodding his head at her as they’d passed by each other in Piggly Wiggly one day, but that was the extent of their relationship. He might not have even been able to tell you their names with complete certainty, before they’d been thrown into the limelight, at least. Alibi: Perry started his shift at The Bar at 4 P.M. Faceclaim: Peter Gadiot

WRITING SAMPLE

TW for (implied) child abuse.

It took a moment for things to start sinking in: the slam of the car door, the roar of the engine, the glare of the sun reflecting off the pitiful, rusted paint job and the cloud of dust that accompanied the spinning wheels. Perry just stood there for a second, his shocked brain struggling to catch up before he was stumbling after the car, running a few steps with a hand outstretched  yelling hey, yelling for Bobby to stop, wait, come back- but it was too late. A few more seconds and he was gone entirely. The car was gone and Bobby was gone and everything was gone and Perry was left standing in the motel parking lot with the California sun kissing his skin and something foreign curling up in a newly- hollowed place in his chest.

The first day, that foreign- something was made up of panic and denial and, of course, a bone- deep sort of hurt. Bobby wouldn’t… he was mad, yeah, but he’d… alright, Perry hadn’t realized he was that mad, but surely he’d… he’d come back. Perry knew he would. He’d calm down, he’d realize what he’d done and he would come back. Perry would forgive him. Hours passed, but still, he told himself- he’d forgive Bobby when he came back. Because he was coming back, even if he was taking a while- that was what he told the motel manager, when the guy came and tried to kick him off the bench he’d curled up on for the night.

As Perry’s second day alone dawned, the panic and denial heightened and started warring. He ended up stealing something from a store so he didn’t starve, but he didn’t pay much attention to what he nicked and he didn’t notice whether it tasted nice or not. It was to keep him from starving, that was all. The sun set on that second day without any sign of his dad’s shitty car, and as the world went dark so did that fizzling spark of hope he’d been harboring in the pit of his stomach.

Bobby really had left him, and he wasn’t coming back.

Perry stuck around on that third day, though. Just in case. Watching the street Bobby’d driven away on and feeling a traitorous little leap of hope whenever there was a car anywhere near the right color, but it was for nothing. Time flew by and the grief began settling in. He was an adult and he was a man and he never cried, hadn’t since he was a child, scared and hurting and hating his father, but this? Being left to his own devices for better or worse in a strange place by the only person that had ever managed to find anything valuable in him, by the only person that had ever found anything about him to actually love- yeah, he was crying. His arms wrapped around his midsection as his body shook, a hand furiously swiping at the tears trailing down his face. He bit down on the inside of his cheek so that he wouldn’t make any noise, bit it hard enough that it bled. He’d been so dumb to think this would work, to think a piece of trash like him would get away and have a fairy tale of a life.

There were better things out there than Devil’s Knot, but they weren’t for him. They weren’t within his reach.

Perry stayed there until it was sometime between late afternoon and early evening, until he was out of tears to cry, and then he forced himself to stand. He cast a glance at that motel sign, then at the space the car- his car- had been parked at. He stared for a bit, because this, right here- these moments before he gave in and let go- this was as close as he’d ever get to a real goodbye. Part of him thought that it still just felt like a really, really bad dream, but he knew he wouldn’t be waking up.

He raised both middle fingers, flipping that empty parking space the bird as he backed away, and then he made his way to the highway and began the process of sticking his thumb up at anyone that passed until someone finally stopped.

It was time to go home, now. Time to grow up.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Here’s a Pinterest board I made for him!

HEADCANONS:

Despite the fact that Perry would consider himself a friend to one (Blanca) and close to none, he’s a friendly guy. If life had given him a kinder lot, he would have been a blatant extrovert. As it is, at his core he’s a convivial guy, and despite the fact that most everyone’s still got him written off as scum- he’s amiable enough to those who extend the same courtesy to him. He’s far beyond making much of an effort. He’ll greet the customers that come in to the bar, even make small talk if someone seems interested in pursuing it, but that’s about the extent of it. He hasn’t had a boyfriend since that disaster when he was eighteen, and he doesn’t intend to ever go down that path again. When he gets lonely enough, he’ll visit a bar a few towns over where nobody knows his name or his face. There was a time when he’d wanted a future that held more than that- hell, when he’s drunk or high enough, there are times when he can still admit to himself that he wants something more- but he’s not a kid with his head in the clouds anymore, and he’s not fooling himself. Lives like that aren’t realistic for people like him. He’s learned his lesson. He won’t be burnt twice. He likes his bbartending job well enough. It pays the bills. His apartment isn’t anything fancy, but it’s decent. That’s his life. He’s going to live in this town until the day he inevitably dies alone, and he’s accepted that.

Perry is allergic to cats and dogs and pretty much anything with fur. Not horribly so, just enough to have his sinuses uncomfortable and his eyes going red. An irritation more than anything. It hasn’t stopped him from leaving a window open for the stray cat that hangs around his apartment or from blowing a portion of his paychecks on Fancy Feast for the fleabitten mongrel. He’s definitely not a fan of coming home to find dead rats or birds strewn about his apartment, but he’s joked to Blanca that it’s the cat’s way of paying rent. It is not his cat. He’s adamant about that fact, even though it’s been a couple years now since it became his roommate of sorts.

The world has been reminding Perry of the fact that he’s an outsider from the time he was old enough to understand the words coming out of the townspeople’s mouths. Maybe even before that, really. Even if he hadn’t been an outcast, though, he would have caught on to the fact that he was different. When kids his age started developing crushes, he knew there was a wide difference between what he felt towards the girls and the way his stomach would start flipping over some of the boys. It wasn’t a welcome discovery. He was hated enough as it was and even before he began to grasp the gravity of this particular difference he knew that standing out in any way would just be another strike against him. This, though… Perry wasn’t certain the fallout from it would be something he’d survive. Even now, after having so much time to adjust to the idea, he’s not quite fully at peace with being gay. Maybe the smart thing to do would be find a girl he likes well enough and pretend, but he’s never been able to bend his rebellious streak enough to do so. He’s keeping this particular disparity to himself, but that doesn’t mean he wants to just force himself fall in line with what the world would have him doing, either.

He feels freest during those rare visits he makes to the clubs out of town. He can pretend he’s someone else for a while, living a different life. It’s too easy to lose himself in the warm touch of another. It’s too easy to drown with the crisp evening air filling his lungs and the expanseless, unfamiliar sky around him, and it is far, far too easy to think about leaving then, with the possibilities of what this world could hold trying to swarm around his head. The world is so big. There’s so much out there. Objectively, he can’t say he’s never had a home. He grew up in a home with his dirtbag father and his older brother. He has a home now, too, a carefully organized and cared for apartment, a home he’s worked hard for, but privately, Perry believes that home is more than just a place. Home is a feeling, and he thinks the strongest he’s ever experienced that feeling was when he was in a car with a boy in the seat next to them as they drove into the horizon, trees and cities and lights blurring past, not knowing exactly what their future held, only that it would be good. That was a euphoria that he’s never been able to replicate, but, he reminds himself- the agony when he’d crashed and burned hadn’t been worth the exhiliration of the days that had lead up to it. It really hadn’t.

Perry can’t say he’s surprised that the present seems to be circling around to the past. This town is a fishbowl, stagnant. He’s empathetic for the kid’s friends and families, but to tell the truth- mostly, he’s just tired and cynical. There’s a sense of foreboding weighing heavy on his chest. He doesn’t know where this will go, but he doesn’t think for a moment that it’s going to end with Brian’s disappearance. Whatever’s coming isn’t going to be pretty- he just hopes he’ll get to keep on the fringes of it all.

Perry’s wardrobe isn’t any more exciting than his apartment. He sticks to muted colors, blacks and greys and whites. Nothing remotely expensive. He’s not trying to impress anyone, but he does put a surprising amount of effort into maintaining his appearance. Perhaps it has something to do with wanting to distance himself from as many similarities to his father as he can.

He drives a beat up old truck. It’s not exactly easy on the eyes, but it gets him wherever he needs to go, and that’s all that matters.

As far as general life skills go, he’s hardly a prodigy when it comes to the kitchen, but, as in most areas of his life, he’s put a decent amount of effort into being self sufficient. He’s figured out enough to get by. He’d rather cook for himself than eat at the diner. If something needs patching up, he’s handy enough with stitches. That’s not a skill he initially learned for the sake of clothing, but it’s a useful one nonetheless.

[mrsslrss]

2018.

My first memory of 2018: I woke up at 5 a.m. and spotted an enormous bug on my bedroom wall. I was mildly hungover after a really lovely and somewhat raucous party in my house, and when I saw the bug I felt like my stomach dropped out of my body. (I’m a wimp! It had so many legs! Stay with me.) I tried to rouse M for about 10 minutes to kill the bug with no luck, then told myself, with an air of forced gravity, It’s 2018, and I must kill the bug myself. Which, I am glad to report, I did. 

I think I told that story a lot this year in the hopes that the more I retold it, the more it would come to define my year: You know, being brave? Taking charge and vanquishing, uh, icky stuff? (And later, for all the times I told the story of starting my day by sweeping up the post-party-confetti-canon detritus and throwing away the half-used Solo cups before my roommates woke up: Doing rather thankless work for a greater good?) I’m not sure I mastered the art of “manifesting” in 2018, though (sorry Oprah!); I certainly wasn’t as generous or industrious as those stories would suppose, but the image of me resisting something frightening then eventually/begrudgingly giving in and being grateful I did — I suppose that rings true.

It’s easy for me to be blue in December — to think about what didn’t get accomplished, the ways I have been selfish, shallow and lazy — but if I’m honest with myself, the year had its share of success. I got hired out of my temp status, spoke on a panel at a conference, helped lead a project I’m proud of, talked on some podcasts, survived my college reunion. I learned a lot about commitment, complacency and what drives my writing. I spent a lot of time with my family. I watched people I love make incredible art, find cherished partners, move their careers forward, get engaged, become parents. I wrote a couple good songs, played a lot of good shows. My hair got long enough to wear it in a bun most days.

The truth is that I’m pretty scared about the future. Call it cyclical energy or call it the brink of exhaustion but I think things are going to happen in 2019; I think, for better or for worse, I’m going to make them happen. I’m trying to transmute anxiety into excitement for what the year’s bringing but I think it’s ok to be scared, too. Anyway, here’s to 2018, and to the things I felt and saw and did and loved that helped me make it through. 

Andrea Long Chu’s writing

I read “On Liking Women” in January — the kind of article where you start it at your desk and then have to finish it later, and you get home and sit on the couch without even turning the living room lights on and just read and read, breathlessly, until it’s done — and I got hooked and I have read everything ALC has written since. Her work is thoughtful, engaging, provocative, breathtaking, earnest, shady, queer as h*ck. It has made me think about what kind of writer (and person) I want to be and was fodder for some of my favorite conversations I had this year about gender, power, identity and the ultimate self-own. Also, her Twitter is hilarious.

Dried mango

Snack of the year for me, hands down. Though if I’m being honest, green tea kit kats are a serious contender, too -- much tougher to find, though, meaning they can’t quite nab the top snack spot for 2018.

Traveling & open space

I didn’t travel a ton this year but the few trips I took were lovely. In April I visited Seattle, a city I love, for a truly marvelous conference and I saw the water and the mountains. In October I visited Vermont, had a real dream-come-true moment in a field of goats. I visited Sam in Austin and realized that Texas is, indeed, huge. (And affordable!) I visited my family in MA a lot and rode horses a couple times but mostly just sat on the couch with my mom watching re-runs of The Office and making sense of ourselves. It felt nice when I was in motion this year.

Riding my bike

Speaking of motion! I borrowed my sister’s cool bike last year and started riding to work, but then the bike got stolen, which put a big damper on everything. I got a crappy replacement a couple months later and rode it to work every day, nearly, of 2018, and to all sorts of other places. I read Jessica Hopper’s book about Chicago this year and so much of that book takes place on her bike, which inspired me to take things a little more seriously. I’m not an experienced cyclist by any means (truly: most of my bike rides are on two streets in the one-mile radius between my house and my office) but I like what it affords me.

Trying to be a void

that is to say, wearing all black. I know that clothing is how a lot of people express themselves but mostly what I wanted to express this year was: a black hole. By black hole I mostly mean nothingness, and also deflecting the gaze. Incredibly comforting. As a caveat: Mads taught me about the power of navy blue late this year, and I think in 2019 I will try to be the night sky. 

New York

I used to hate NYC for boring reasons but now I don’t, and it defined my year, in many ways — I visited about once a month, for work and for friends and for fun. I nearly always stayed with Mads in Bed-Stuy, which is an excellent situation, although one time I blew a big chunk of a bonus (!) on a fancy hotel room (!!) in Manhattan. (Worth it!) I spoke on a panel, I played my songs in a gallery, I ate bagels with vegan cream cheese, I had bad pizza in a cigar bar, I saw Maggie Nelson give a talk, I watched Duster play two consecutive comeback shows. I had a lot of small moments, too, of bliss and kindness and serendipity, of tortellini soup and espresso tonics, late night talks, doing laps around Bryant Park, walking quietly through galleries. I cried on buses, got freaked out on a plane, had a particularly memorable set of conversations on the Amtrak. I also saw Carly Rae Jepsen!

Playing covers with friends

Ok, yes, seeing Carly Rae at the Turning the Tables event in NYC was magnificent, but more magnificent was being in Gnarly Rae Jepsen, aka the Carly Rae Jepsen cover band I was invited to join around Halloween. Frankly I was just flattered to have been asked, since Lars does a cover band for Halloween every year and they always rip. And Gnarly Rae ripped! I didn’t do a lot of stuff with my own music this year, so it was great to play with a band with pretty much zero pressure and an abundance of good vibes. The Halloween show was one of the happiest moments of my year. Plus this winter I planned a December open mic and so some friends and I decided to do a couple covers — “Silver Springs” by Fleetwood Mac (which Mads sang) and “Dreams” by The Cranberries (which I sang) — which was a little messy and extremely fun.

Christmas cactus

A friend of mine from grad school moved to California after graduating and gave me a bunch of her plants, including a cactus that looked like it was in poor health but I was determined to keep alive for as long as I could. I kept caring for it even though I was convinced it was going to croak any day; turns out I’m just ignorant about what a healthy cactus looks like, because it blossomed just days before my birthday this April. I didn’t even know this cactus could flower, so to have it happen right before I turned 26 made me feel such a deep sense of joy and hope, and connection with the living world, like a true, grounded, healthy Taurus. It bloomed again before Christmas; last week, I realized my grandmother has the exact same plant in her living room.

Writing criticism

I wrote a couple things this year I was especially proud of, and most of them were reviews. (My Turning the Tables essay doesn’t fit in that category but I’m really proud of that, too.) Most of this writing happened in my house where I was alone in my room rubbing my temples and whining softly why is this so hard, why does it have to be so hard but it also felt electric and life-affirming; I heard a podcaster refer to writing as something like “touching the divine” this year and that feels like it, exactly. I think I loved those processes too because they so often involved having really fun, challenging conversations about the art in question with people I admire, and that’s why I got into this game, right? Plus a few conversations I had this year adjacent to these pieces helped me realize that a) criticism is the kind of writing I feel the most drawn to right now; and as we used to say on Tumblr, “not to get fake deep but,” b) the goodness I am searching for in my life/self is a big part of what drives me to write, of what I’m doing in my writing. That helps.

Coffee O merch

My forever favorite coffee shop is Coffee Obsession in Falmouth, not necessarily because they have the best beans in the world or anything but because when I’m there it’s because I am spending time in my favorite place, usually with my family and best friends, etc. Anyway I have recently started to rep them on a regular basis: I got a purple HydroFlask with the Coffee O logo and used it every day this year to bring iced coffee to work, and this summer I bought a big green Coffee O t-shirt that says “LOCAL FLAVAH” on the back (incredible), which is more or less my favorite item of clothing I bought this year. I guess I’m kind of a poseur because I’m a tourist, not a Cape Cod native, but my love for Coffee O is true and real and I’m glad to spread the word.

Etc: Making iced coffee every morning in the Chemex; roséwave and the #Saltypod, both of which I love fiercely; the difference between being liked and being heard, à la Ellen Willis; editing essays; the Fever Ray show at 9:30 Club; wearing glitter in the corners of my eyes; “no one is going to wait for you to ask for permission”; wearing heels to work; the steam room at the W St YMCA; my tarot deck; the Pome newsletter.

[the-punforgiven]

ALL OF THEM, 1 TO 150

…

Aight, let’s go I guess

I’mma put it under a readmore since it’s pretty long lmao

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My cat lmao

2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?@cardiac-ossification​, someday

4. Are you easy to get along with?I mean once you get used to the fact that I barely speak and that one-word responses do not mean I don’t want to talk to you, I guess maybe?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Most likely

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Pretty much anyone who could kick my ass lmao

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?I sure hope so

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?@cardiac-ossification​

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Depends on who I’m talking about it with honestly, like for the most part yeah, but like if I’m really close with someone then that changes things somewhat lmao

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?….. Also @cardiac-ossification​

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?Rad

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

A Sound of Thunder - Hello Nurse

Whispered - Strike

Children of Bodom - All Twisted

Ye Banished Privateers - Lamentation of a Marooned Sailor

Arsis - Unwelcome (but like the whole album lmao)

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Yeah

15. What good thing happened this summer?Bold of you to assume I remember when anything has happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?No

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Oh absolutely, whether that’s just like, microbes or something I dunno but thinking of the entire vastness of space I find it really hard to believe that this planet’s the only one with life

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?No

19. Do you like bubble baths?I guess? To be honest I haven’t had one since I was a kid Probably since I don’t actually even fit into the tub anymore lmao

20. Do you like your neighbors?I don’t think I’ve actually met them lmao, I’ve talked to them like twice when they asked me to help find their dog but they seem alright lmao

21. What are you bad habits?Procrastinating and just fucking forgetting literally fucking everything

22. Where would you like to travel?Norway and Wisconsin are my two big ones

23. Do you have trust issues?Yeah? I feel like I tend to trust people too easily lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Sending cute good morning messages to my girlfriend lmao

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?Probably either my stomach or my body hair honestly

26. What do you do when you wake up?Open my eyes Roll around a bit and immediately grab my phone lmao

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Not really, I honestly don’t care, it’s gonna be gone soon enough anyway

28. Who are you most comfortable around?Fun game take a shot everytime I tag @cardiac-ossification​

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?No

30. Do you ever want to get married?Maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yeah.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?¯\_(ツ)_/¯

33. Spell your name with your chin.Today I have learned that I can’t actually lean that far down

34. Do you play sports? What sports?No? I mean I spar a bit and would love to try out the Armored Combat League, if that counts?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV, I’d honestly probably die without music lmao

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yeah

37. What do you say during awkward silences?bold of you to assume I can talk at all

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Literally just @cardiac-ossification​ lmao

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Can’t say I really have any that spring to mind, honestly, like if they sell guitars, cd’s, or swords then I’m gonna be good but I don’t have an actual favourite place lmao

40. What do you want to do after high school?Visit my girlfriend, join a band, achieve omnipotence

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?I prefer to think of that sort of thing on a more case-to-case basis, but for the most part, Yes? 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?Extremely quiet’s just my natural state of being lmao Silent however usually just denotes that I’m in a horrible mood

43. Do you smile at strangers?I mean, I try to but I’ve also been told I’m like hella intimidating and I know I’ve got a pretty bad case of supervillain grin so I dunno it that’s actually the best idea lmao 

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?If you’re offering I’d go with Space, since unlike the ocean I can’t just walk there

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Need for caffine and whatever the fuck you call those pills that stop heartburn I forget the name

46. What are you paranoid about?Everything. Though talking in my sleep’s a big one for some reason

47. Have you ever been high?No

48. Have you ever been drunk?Barely

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Yeah, though I mean someone already knows about it I’m just embarassed about that whole topic in general lmao

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?I don’t actually remember since I like never wear hoodies anymore but probably Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?Occasionally in a sort of brief non-serious way, but like intensely? No

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?that’s really tough honestly, I’d probably want either more muscles or a fucking functioning brain

53. Favourite makeup brand?I don’t wear makeup lmao

54. Favourite store?Wasn’t this already asked?

55. Favourite blog?I’ve got a lot lmao, I can’t narrow it down to one, sorry…

56. Favourite colour?Black, if that counts, if not probably that one shade of purple

57. Favourite food? Spaghetti

58. Last thing you ate?Shepherd’s Pie

59. First thing you ate this morning?Bold of you to assume I’ve eaten today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?I honestly don’t think I have lmao, and if I did I don’t remember lmao

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?I was suspended for like half my fuckin time in middle school because I’d just fuckin fight everyone if memory serves

62. Been arrested? For what?I haven’t lmao

63. Ever been in love? I am right now

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Uhhh, watching Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny with my first girlfriend and I just kinda asked if she’d be down. She said yeah and… there we go. Fuckin… Great mood movie

65. Are you hungry right now?Yeah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?A lot of my real friends follow me on here so I’m not sure I can answer this lmao

67. Facebook or Twitter?I’m not terribly fond of either to be honest

68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr, I guess

69. Are you watching tv right now?No

70. Names of your bestfriends? Thanks for pluralizing but I dunno if they’re comfortable with me giving out their names on the internet so I’mma err on the side of caution here lmao

71. Craving something? What?Uhhh meat lmao, I need the protien

72. What colour are your towels?We’ve got a lot of varying colours lmao

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?I mean there are two on my bed but I don’t actually use them they’re just kinda there lmao

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?… Yes?

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?Three? I’ve got a stuffed bear that I’ve had since I was a baby that’s just kinda rotting away in my closet, a stuffed hyena that I got from my wonderful girlfriend, and a plushie undead warlock that I got at a con lmao

75. Favourite animal?The Snow Tiger. Not only are they cute cats, but also majestic and aesthetic

76. What colour is your underwear?My what now Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Cookie Dough I guess?

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Black

80. What colour pants?Also black

81. Favourite tv show?¯\_(ツ)_/¯

82. Favourite movie?Kung Fury? I dunno I don’t remember like half the movies I watch

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?I haven’t actually seen either of them lmao

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?.. Haven’t seen 21 Jump Street either lmao

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Why are there so many Mean Girls questions

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?¯\_(ツ)_/¯

87. First person you talked to today?My sister, who dutifully wakes me up every afternoon by destroying my fucking door jesus christ child calm down I’ve had to fix the thing like twice already

88. Last person you talked to today?I dunno, discord buddies

89. Name a person you hate?No one really springs to mind honestly, I don’t know if I’ve got anyone I really hate, y’know?

90. Name a person you love?@cardiac-ossification​

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Me

92. In a fight with someone?Also Me Not really lmao

93. How many sweatpants do you have?Exactly one that I made myself a few years ago. They’re falling the fuck apart and they’re pretty ugly since the only fabric I had available was that really gross camo green so I honestly don’t care lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Like three? I think? I’ve kinda unofficially given them away to my brother and sister, but they’re still here so I dunno lmao

95. Last movie you watched?I don’t remember, I mean I was present in the room the other night while my roommate was watching the Hateful Eight but it’s a stretch to say I was actually watching it lmao

96. Favourite actress?¯\_(ツ)_/¯

97. Favourite actor?¯\_(ツ)_/¯

98. Do you tan a lot?No, I am disgustingly ginger so I don’t tan at all I just go straight to burning

99. Have any pets?I do! I have a cat, her name’s Groucho, and she’s the sweetest little thing! I live with another cat, two dogs, and a couple of birds but they’re not technically mine lmao

100. How are you feeling?Horrible, thank you for asking! I’m getting sick physically and I’m constantly reminded that I’m a defective fucking human being!

101. Do you type fast?Not really, like I type fast-ish in short bursts, but the space between them is regrettably long lmao

102. Do you regret anything from your past?Anything and everything! It’s only in the last couple of years have I really started to realize what an insufferable pile of shit I’ve been for my entire life and knowing that nobody’s ever gonna forget that really keeps me up at night!

103. Can you spell well?No

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Not particularly.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?I think so yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?not that I know of?

107. Have you ever been on a horse?no

108. What should you be doing?Not being the most useless creature in the universe, contributing to society in literally any way, actually caring about my health, pursuing any hobbies, the list is endless!

109. Is something irritating you right now?Yeah!

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Also yeah lmao

111. Do you have trust issues?Yes, but I feel as if it’s more so in the sense that I trust people too quickly/easily rather than too little and- Wait wasn’t this also already asked?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?……. Also @cardiac-ossification​, kinda?

113. What was your childhood nickname?Uhhh, there were a lot and all of them were gross and insulting, so I’d rather not say lmao

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yeah

115. Do you play the Wii?Back when we had one, yeah. I was a fucking god at Wii Boxing, and at one point had mastered getting that perfect angle to always hit strikes in Wii bowling. Fucking wish I could do that with actual bowling lmao

116. Are you listening to music right now?I am, currently checking something out that was in my recommended list, but I’m not sure if I’m really into it yet though

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yeah

118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes! I especially love chow mein and ginger beef, the place in town that makes it is just the fuckin best. 

119. Favourite book?Overlord I guess? I dunno I barely ever read anymore

120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not unless I’ve been given a reason to be.

121. Are you mean?I… Try not to be…

122. Is cheating ever okay?No

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Not really. I believe in attraction at first sight, but love’s something that I find needs to be built up over time? I guess?

125. Do you believe in true love?I think so, yeah?

126. Are you currently bored?Yeah

127. What makes you happy?@cardiac-ossification, music, art, and For Honor trailers lmao

128. Would you change your name?Maybe? I don’t really care about it enough to want to change it lmao

129. What your zodiac sign?Virgo

130. Do you like subway?Yeah! It gives me massive heartburn but it’s pretty great

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Calmly explain to them that I’m in a committed relationship already

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Say it with me now, @cardiac-ossification

133. Favourite lyrics right now?Not sure, I mean everything Gloryhammer’s ever written are great for a giggle but like on a serious tone, I’ve got nothin lmao

134. Can you count to one million?There is no way in hell I’d have the patience to lmao

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?There are way to many to choose, I am a fucking terrible liar lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed

137. How tall are you?6′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?Is this question in terms of which I prefer or which I have? in which case I don’t really have a preference and mine is straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?Honestly I’m not sure? Like, my two favourite hair colours are like, jet black and blinding white lmao, all the rest of them I’m pretty neutral on lmao

140. Summer or Winter?Winter, on the sheer basis that I can be outside without having to sacrifice a good chunk of my flesh to the sun gods

141. Night or Day?Night

142. Favourite month?October, for obvious reasons

143. Are you a vegetarian?No

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark Chocolate, 100%. Milk Chocolate is a pretty good second place, but white chocolate just makes me sick

145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee

146. Was today a good day?meh, it had it’s highs and lows, so overall it’s about average I’d say

147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers, I guess

148. What’s your favourite quote?nothing springs to mind, aside from the super pretentious “Just because perfection is unattainable, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for it” or however the fuck it went

149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yeah

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “For this rough bunch who valued an adventurer’s strength above all, what he was saying made sense”

Thanks for the asks!

[veronica-rich]

To wind Rimmer up, Lister mucks with his projection and puts him in a ballgown. Refusing to rise to the bait, Rimmer keeps it on, and Lister finds himself hopelessly (and surprisingly) aroused. :-D

There it is, he decided, a wide smile creasing his face as he scrolled past the hideousness, then came back to it, studying the folds and shimmer in detail. That’ll fix him.

It wasn’t one thing that drove Lister into the holographic projection program in the middle of the night, but a series of events over the past few weeks that had culminated to snap his trigger when Rimmer snottily suggested at dinner that perhaps Lister didn’t really require chocolate sauce over his carrots. It was an unsubtle dig at the fifteen or so pounds that had crept up around his middle over the past several months of depression and unchanneled restlessness.

“Carrots are nutritious,” Lister muttered aloud in a mock-nasal whine as he futzed with the ship’s catalog to find the specifications. “They’re VEGE-TABLES, Lister. They’re meant to be eaten PLAIN, Lister.” Then he added in the same parody of Rimmer, “I like to shove them up my ARSE one at a time while I whistle Zippity Doo Dah, Lister.”

So, the smeghead liked carrots, did he? Force-feeding him a dozen bags wouldn’t do any good, but Lister could sure make the homophobic git wish he’d gone that route instead. As he changed some coding and meshed programs together, Lister felt the happiest he had in a long while. On this ship, with this crowd, this was sure to provide entertainment for him, Cat, and Kryten for hours, possibly days. It just depended how openly contrite Rimmer could find it in his shriveled, blackened little light bee to BE.

Probably the days one, Lister mused once he was done, hit “execute,” and password-locked the program, getting up to head back to his bunk. DAYS.

*****

The thing Lister noticed when he finally woke up at eleven in the morning, once his brain fog had cleared, was what hadn’t awakened him. He’d been left to wake up naturally so late. That couldn’t be right; had he simply been so tired he’d slept through Rimmer’s yelling? Had it been so loud it had simply elevated him to a higher plane of unconsciousness?

His answer didn’t present itself until he ambled into Starbug’s midsection for some crispies. At first he couldn’t identify the alien sound, but as he dismounted the steps, he realized it was swishing. To be fair, he only realized it when he saw the space’s other occupant emerging from the kitchenette to set his tea on the communal table. Lister bit down on his grin, but not fast enough. Rimmer breathed in at the sight of him, tunnel-like nostrils filling with the oxygen. “YOU.” It wasn’t a yell or a bellow, or a question. It was an intonation; Lister expected winged demons to begin falling from the ceiling.

“Oh, hey, man- um, I mean, Ma’am. Miss?” he corrected himself. “Ma’am? I’m sorry, I don’t know the cutoff age for titles.”

Rimmer straightened, fixing his roommate with a muddy green glare. “Lister, fix this, NOW!”

Lister instead eyed his creation. Already tall, Rimmer was statuesque in the three-inch heels Lister had fixed to his feet via programming; he knew the shoes were there by the minor teeter in Rimmer’s stance. They were of course covered by the hem of cake-like tiers of shiny orange taffeta, draped in loose-parachute folds. The fitted bodice encased nothing but was stretched by a chest deceptively slimmed by Rimmer’s usual quasi-military jackets and tunics. Long-fingered hands were perched on his hips, surprisingly muscular arms tense with presumable rage. “You’re a right picture, there, Commander.” He winked.

Rimmer’s haughtiness was creased by confusion. “What are you talking about?”

“Been whipping the houseboy this morning?” he asked. “Sipping mint juleps?” He nodded toward the cup on the table. He could just about pinpoint the moment the reference dawned on the other man. “For Io’s sake!” Rimmer shouted.

“Face it, Arlene; you’ve been more of a bastard than usual lately. You deserve this.”

“Get me out of this getup!”

Lister shrugged. “I don’t really tilt that way-” He was cut off by Rimmer’s giant sigh. “Look, all you have to do is apologize. And mean it. That’s it.”

Rimmer stared at him, then nodded. “Right. Not like I can’t fix this myself.”  He put his right hand down further on his hip, patting it … then looked, and swore, presumably as he realized or remembered his belt control pad was not an accessory to this ensemble. “Well, I don’t need that!” he fumed, jerking to the left toward the cockpit and presumably a mainframe.

Staying quiet, Lister watched him stumble and totter toward the small room, pausing at the door divider to lift his voluminous skirt and step over it, then nearly fall as he tried to negotiate the grating in heels. He waited until the ranting began, then called, “But you might need the password!”

Shortly, Rimmer swayed back into sight, grabbing the sides of the doorway to balance as he stared murder at Lister. “CHANGE. ME. BACK.”

He leaned forward, enunciating as well. “A. POL. O. GIZE.” Instead, Rimmer gave him the middle finger; Lister tutted. “That’s not very ladylike. Keep it up and I’ll give you a hairstyle to match. Rimmer gritted his teeth and muttered something that sounded much like “dog food breath” just under easy hearing.

******

“Well, the color ain’t bad,” Cat judged at their evening meal as he critically eyed Rimmer between sips of milk. “But that style’s all wrong for his body type and age. And orange doesn’t really work on a redhead.”

“Eh?” Lister looked from Cat to Rimmer, then back again, confused. He looked back, studying Rimmer’s hair, and realized it was sort of a ginger, of sorts. “Oh, eh. Never noticed that before.” Rimmer continued eating and reading his data pad, studiously ignoring the conversation.

“Sure, it does a lot better with a nice gold, or maybe some deep primary colors,” Cat continued. “Also, those rhinestones are all wrong; man his age and skin tone needs one piece of jewelry, maybe two, tops. Not all blingy like that.” He made a circular motion mid-air indicating Rimmer’s chest area. “Now me, I can pull it off. But that’s ‘cause I make anything look good.”

“It’s not supposed to look good,” Lister pointed out. “That’s the point. I made him look how he acts.” Rimmer briefly glared up. “Don’t give me that attitude; you know how to fix this,” he reminded the hologram.

“Like a sixteen-year-old prom date?” Cat asked.

“Young and immature, yes.” He didn’t explain he’d chosen a dress because he wanted to put Rimmer on his back foot, and misgendering his image was a sure way to do it.

He wasn’t surprised when Rimmer didn’t apologize that day. He wasn’t even surprised when two more days passed in relative silence - a blessing, actually, since of late, Rimmer not only had not shut up, he’d used most of his words toward Lister to complain about something or other. He was surprised when he noticed Rimmer was no longer teetering in his new shoes on the fourth day, but getting around rather gracefully and forcefully, and appearing to give his hips an extra twist here and there to get the giant skirt around corners through narrow doorways.

He nearly went back and fixed the programming himself that weekend when he caught himself staring at the back of Rimmer’s head, musing over how long and slender his neck was and admiring the sharpness of shoulder blades framed by the shiny, taut material. Small auburn curls littered the bottom of his hairline above his neck, and Lister imagined blowing on the wisps to see if he could make Rimmer laugh or shiver. He caught and slapped himself mentally when he considered making an excuse to go shower so he could have a wank at the thought.

OF.

RIMMER.

This was not good, he determined. Gay was fine for everyone else; he was tolerant. But it wasn’t for him. He definitely didn’t have any attraction for Rimmer. Maybe some other men, somewhere. What sensible straight bloke wouldn’t have slept with the late, great Sir Daniel Radcliffe, if given the chance? The man had been a sex symbol well into his nineties, after all. Even in Lister’s time, the Ryan Reynolds Sexbot had still been a popular purchase for every gender.

But Rimmer? He was officious, arrogant, narrow-minded, and stiff, all angular and pinched, weasel-like expressions marring what should have otherwise been handsome features. His nose was too long, his brow too frowny, lips too thin, hands too large. His throat bobbed too much when he talked, especially visible in that gown; Lister was only distracted when Rimmer would tug at the strap, then run his fingers through his hair, clearly exasperated, then lick his lips. Lister pondered all this as he watched Rimmer trying to study the seventh morning at their bunkroom table, leaned forward on his elbows and mouthing words to himself as his eyes tracked across the page, the front of an open-toed apricot sandal peeking out from beneath the hem of the dress, fingers drumming the tabletop. Lister could see a little down the top of the dress because there was nothing to mold to the built-in bra, and wondered if he pulled the dress off, if it would fizzle and stay off-

He abruptly threw himself forward and up from his bunk, standing. Rimmer jerked upright, shooting him an annoyed look. “Do you mind? You’re like a bull in a tea shop.”

He really wanted to change Rimmer’s clothing back to the blue uniform. He needed that apology soon. “Are you ready yet to get out of that gown?” he snapped. Rimmer raised an eyebrow, and Lister, uncomfortable, decided to turn the tables. “Or do you like it in that gown?”

Rimmer frowned, then sighed. “It’s just a covering, Listy.”

Are you kidding me, he thought. “So you DO like it.”

“I’m tired of yelling about it, is what I am,” Rimmer insisted. “Though I do wish I knew why orange.”

“You’re the one who loves carrots so much.”

“THAT’S what all this is about? That I said you shouldn’t turn your vegetables into a sundae?”

“That you need to smegging well quit trying to micromanage every move I make, is what it’s about,” Lister informed him. “You comment on what I eat, what I wear, how I move, what I do. What I look like. Always with the criticism! YOU DO IT CONSTANTLY. I feel like I’ve got a stalker, and it’s not even an attractive woman!”

“Is that why you put me in a dress? So you could imagine I’m a woman?”

Lister let out a mid-level growl meant to serve as a warning. But Rimmer kept on. “For what reason, then? Have you gone a bit light in the loafers, Listy? Maybe you’re so desperate that I’m starting to look good?” He was clearly the one taunting now, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed, smirking. “Or maybe that’s why it’s so hideous - so I wouldn’t look SO good, hmm?”

He took a few seconds to compose himself before smiling deliberately and shooting back, “I’m not the giant homophobe here, Rimsy.”

“Aren’t you?”

“No, you’re confusing me with you.” He pointed in front of him. “Come stand here. I can get within range of you and it not bother me, but I bet YOU can’t!”

To his surprise, Rimmer stood, nose aflare, did a little pirouette around the edge of the table, and came to stand a foot away from Lister, hands on his hips. He towered as much distance above him, and Lister fixed him with narrowed eyes in challenge. “I see you’re not falling off your shoes anymore,” was the first thing he could think to say.

Rimmer shifted on his feet a little. “You get used to them. Still not pleasant.”

“I could’ve made them stilettos.”

“And I’m supposed to thank you for these?”

They glared at each other, and Lister was dismayed to discover for the umpteenth time in the past few days that he wanted to put his hands on that hard-light fabric, feel how slick it was, how warm from the body encased in it, and maybe even peel it off. “I can see right up your nose,” he taunted. “You have a big nose. How does it feel, getting criticized for something you can’t help or don’t even want, or like, maybe?”

Rimmer glared silently. Presently, he said, “I am not apologizing.” Before Lister could think of what response that could possibly deserve, Rimmer spoke again. “I can … moderate, my observations regarding your person and habits going forward, though, I suppose.” Each word was like chewing a metal gear and spitting it out.

The only thing Lister could wonder was, “Why does it matter what I do?”

“I have to keep you riled up. It’s what keeps you going.”

“Wait, fighting’s not-”

“Listy, think about it,” he sighed. “You do best when you have an enemy. Someone telling you you can’t do something. It’s the only reason you passed your pre-tests so high, because Hollister said he didn’t think you had two brain cells to rub together. Once you figured out after he was just baiting you, though, you gave up on the engineering program and went back to slobbing around on Zed Shift.”

“What’re you saying to me?”

“I’m saying, you have brains just rotting in there that you don’t like to use, and meanwhile, here am I, busting my arse to figure out basic physics that a child should understand!” he shouted, throwing his arms out to the side. “I’m saying you’re not stupid! You’re not a total smegging moron, and it’s hell to watch you wallowing like you are and just wasting what you’ve got!” He was breathing hard, some thick curls coming loose from tightly styled hair, the taffeta rustling with the rise and fall of his chest and shoulders as his eyes bored into Lister’s.

Lister finally said, “You want me to get you out of that getup?” Rimmer gave a little nod - and so he did.

******

Later, Lister curled an arm around Rimmer’s bare waist as he nuzzled his jaw. “I think I like this look the best on you,” he teased, rubbing his foot along the man’s equally bare shin.

Rimmer gave a little breathless laugh as he shifted on the bed. “You do realize the next time you lose an argument, you’re wearing a ballgown of MY choosing.”

“Bring it on, Big Man,” the Scouser muttered as he kissed his decidedly adult prom date again.

BONUS IMAGE OF INSPIRATION:

[stressthevalentine]

rare long form personal post - theres alcohol discussed

a read more cause im actually on my laptop

i just have a lot of thoughts rn that i don’t want to talk about irl

as you may know, i’ve been in a production of Macbeth at school, and it’s been a really dope time. our show went on this weekend and tonight was our last show and it was amazing and i have post show depression and that’s a post of its own but whats actually on my mind is that we had a cast party last night, wherein everybody got deadass sloshed.

i kinda refer to my gf as my gf bc she kinda is my gf, but in reality we’re *almost* exclusive but not. it’s a weird liminal space. in general this space between “exclusive” and “not exclusive” doesnt matter to me bc i dont rly have a line of gentle(wo)man callers vying for me. it was kinda like whatever, i just wanna take it slow. its my first relationship. thats fine

last night was weird bc i was just having a good time, and being drunk is weird and strange, and i ended up making out with one of my very attractive castmates. i feel very strange about this. a.) the guy who was hosting the party, of all things, is roommates with my gf. b.) it wasn’t violating me and my gf’s relationship boundary bc we aren’t exclusive but it feels like we are i feel bad and i want to have that conversation now. c.) i am having a lot of complex feelings about my existence as a sexual being and my sexuality.

i. understand that i have always been actively viewed as ugly my entire life. this experience is reinforced by being gay throughout a very straight high school. even in college i feel like most of the time, even though i have for the most part very progressive and thoughtful friends, i still felt like i was undesirable. i did not fit into the concept of sexual palatability. as a fat, black person, i think you are always aware of your hypersexual/non-sexual existence - you are painfully aware of the idea of being sexually attractive to others, but aggressively excluded for it.

ii. this girl is the second person (the first being my gf) who has ever shown active sexual attraction to me. and it wasn’t that deep...we were both drunk and gay and sitting with each other and she told me how hot she thought i was and i tell her she’s hot bc she is and she went for it. it was Very College. but Very College things don’t usually happen to me. she’s kinda been flirting with me the entire show, (like, a month), but not overtly. i kinda thought it was just that “gay women bonding but also gauging interest” kinda thing and there was nothing founded to it lol. this all being said, at this point it was simply a (series of) drunken makeout(s) and nothing else, to be clear.

iii. so the two main themes here are - 1. this weird cheating feeling i have about the entire thing despite the fact that it technically wasn’t cheating and im just uncomfortable

2. this odd feeling about feeling...sexual? i think as both a fat person and a lesbian ive really been made to invest deeply in romance, and that’s important to me dont get me wrong, but ive never been allowed to be *just* sexual. to find other women hot simply because they’re hot. to simply, and actively, lust after other women. i really like this girl in macbeth as a human being lol trust me, but also she is so hot. so good looking. in control of her own lesbian sexuality in a way i just haven’t ever been. confident almost to the point of aggression but very much not so. i don’t know how to explain her. beautiful soft butch with soft hands that i once dreamed about fucking me on a table. why should i be ashamed to admit that relatively vanilla thought on fuckin tumblr.com?

there is something incredibly intoxicating about being sexual with women as a woman, in such an atmosphere like last night. i have seen a lot of posts about this from lesbians i follow here but i don’t think i fully related to them until now.

don’t get me wrong. i *really like* my gf...i have a connection with her that i haven’t found with anyone else, not even this goddamn beautiful cast mate.

but i keep flashing back to the other night and feeling all sorts of ways about the entire sensory experience. from her warm, salty mouth to feeling her thin, smooth back, it was so unadulterated in its pure gayness. a lot of my experience of sexuality is so incredibly cerebral, wrapped up my race/gender/weight/class/ethnicity/etcetcetc, so i guess this experience of pure embodiment is extremely strange. it was, in short, really fucking hot in a way i hadn’t felt before. and i think it was really fucking hot and validating in a way i don’t think a man could ever conceptualize. the entire experience of lesbian pleasure (sexual and otherwise), i think, is so far from what a man could ever conceptualize.

but also, as a fat girl who only had her first kiss two years ago, of course this experience is salient! of course it is! i refuse to feel bad! i need to process too! im processing here!!! being gay is hard!!!

i guess me fucking writing an essay about making out with a hot girl at a party is pretty fuckin cerebral too. but. o well.

[hopingfordawn]

Ask thing - 1-150 :*

Now I definitely know that you hate me Alex. :( *sniffles*You keep doing this, just because you know that I’ll do it.Whhhyyyy....

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?Probably my sister about 2 months ago? I can’t remember.2. Are you outgoing or shy?Depends. I am not really shy, but crowds make me extremely anxious. I feel paranoid very often and that prevents me from leaving my apartment. But when I first meet people, they probably think that I am the most outgoing person there is. I don’t know why, I act really happy and outgoing when I meet new people, but that diminishes over the weeks of knowing them. And “the real me” comes out. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My mom this New Years. I haven’t seen her in over half a year and I miss her like crazy. I worry about her.4. Are you easy to get along with?Depends who you ask. I would say yes. In a roommate sort of way, my sister probably hates me. Because she likes to bring people over every single day and I like my privacy and she makes so much noise. She get’s annoyed at me when I even suggest that she could possibly visit them instead sometimes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?There is no one that I currently like romantically. So I can’t answer for that. But my best friend would. (Both of them). One of them already had the misfortune of having to do so. On my first ever time of being drunk (and high at the same time). Also he is smaller than me (at a very tiny 1,60m). I clearly remember him carrying me piggy back style back home. I am very happy to announce, that I do NOT remember throwing up though, that’s a very convenient part of the night to forget.And I will forever be indebted to him, love him with all my heart. He is such a sweetheart. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Nice ones. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No. I probably won’t be in a relationship 3 years from now, so 2 months? Naw. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?Rami Malek. (I need help) 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really, but I start giggling like a middle schooler, sooo. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex/ Eljot from Tumblr :)Who also is that asswipe who wanted me to answer the whole 150 questions. Thank you. (I love you anyway) 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“What could >WE 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Fallout Boy - Centuries Sia - I’m In HereMelanie Martinez - Mad HatterHalsey - Hold Me DownImagine Dragons - Believer 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Never happened but probably not. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Luck, yes. Miracles? I don’t think so. 15. What good thing happened this summer?Summer is just started for me here, so no update on this. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Hell to the no. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets?It is mathematically impossible for this NOT to be the case. So, yes, I believe in life on other planets. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush?No, he is dead. 19. Do you like bubble baths?Who doesn’t? Give me one person who is honest when they say, they don’t like bubble bath’s. 20. Do you like your neighbors?Nohohohoooo. I have this one neighbor that complained about the way that my sister and I were putting up the curtains. Or that we should stop using the bathroom at night because it kept her from sleeping, we were apparently too loud. 21. What are you bad habits?- When I feel bad or just not up for human interaction I shut myself off from society and ignore messages, calls etc. - I can’t seem to keep down anything I eat. I always end up puking my guts out. 9 years of therapy and I still can’t lose this shit.- When I say I am going to sleep, I actually mean I am going to lie down and read fanfics for the next 3 hours and then go to sleep.- I procrastinate like a professional.- I can’t seem to finish any project that I start. The Jack Frost Staff I made when I was 16 still needs to be painted. That one corset still needs to be redone in the right fabrics. All the fanfics I started and never continued...- more more more more 22. Where would you like to travel?Russia, Japan, China, Iceland, Australia, The Caribbeans, Egypt, Korea, EVERYWHERE 23. Do you have trust issues?Yes. OH Yes. The Problem is, I trust too easy at the beginning, and then I start to mistrust my own judgement and therefore also the person I put my trust in. Because it is impossible for someone to actually want to be faithful to me, right? 24. Favorite part of your daily routine?When I lie back down on my bed and start reading fanfics in a sort of “going to sleep ritual”. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?Everything. Really, I often feel like I am stuck in the wrong body. This is my prison. 26. What do you do when you wake up?Roll over, stretch and hope that it is weekend so that I can just stay right there. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Lighter. I guess this is something that stuck with me from my hardcore gothic phase when I was a teenager. I wanted to have white, white skin for the black of my clothes to pop out more, you know? I have this asian undertone in my skin, slightly yellow, and I am slightly darker (latina). and it bugged me as a teenager so badly. I was such an idiot. 28. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friends. Who are sadly not here. One (the guy from the drunk story) is in Chile. And the other in Germany. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?I don’t really have ex’s. So I wouldn’t know. But when I was 15, there was this 1 guy that after 3 hours told me I was the love of his life and we kissed and it was horrible and I told him it wouldn’t work out. He made such a scene. I mean he ran away and threatened to jump off a bridge, for a girl that he knew less than a day...And I was so worried at first, but after 2 hours of running after him and searching and finding him on the bridge, I honestly was just mad and said outright that from this point on I didn’t care if he jumped. If he wanted to ruin his life for a girl he didn’t know at all, for an illusion, then be my guest, I am done running after him. Of course he didn’t. Years later I learned, that he still mourned me “leaving him” and wasn’t over me still. Ugh. 30. Do you ever want to get married?Couldn’t answer this yet. Probably? But I don’t want kids, so that might be a problem. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?To my waist and I need to cut it. I want it really short. I can’t stand the long hair on myself. I only wear it in a bun anyway. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?I don’t see MYSELF in any sexual situation. In every sexual fantasy I have I am always someone else. Sad but true. 33. Spell your name with your chin.sxiusdsdiu 34. Do you play sports? What sports?No. I used to play Baseball and Volleyball. But at the moment nothing. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Without TV. That’s what you have the internet for anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?My best friend? But I might have kind of indirectly told her? I mean I asked her if she would date me if I was a guy (she is sooo straight). She said no. I cried on the bus on my way home. 37. What do you say during awkward silences?Nothing. I am comfortable with silence. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Is also my best friend. When it happens, it happens, I don’t have a heist plan for this. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Media Markt. Gamestop. Amazon. 40. What do you want to do after high school?I am currently studying 3D Animation and after this I would like to do my Masters in the US, and AFTER that my biggest dream would be to work for one of the great Firms: Disney, Dreamworks, Pixar, you get it. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Normally yes, but there are ALWAYS exceptions to that rule. I don’t give a child molester a second chance. I just want to burn them alive. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?The person you tried to reach is currently unavailable, please try again later or leave a message after the beep. BEEP. 43. Do you smile at strangers?Sometimes. Sometimes they scare me shitless and I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible, and walk passed them as fast as possible. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space. Chance to see new worlds!

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Sometimes I just cant get up. But when I do, I just think about what I want to accomplish, about what that day might bring for me. What I might miss if I don’t. 46. What are you paranoid about?When people look at me and I think they see a monster. Do I have something on my face? I don’t see anything irregular in the mirror, but they look at me strangely. Can they read my mind? Do they see right through me? Do they see how bad a person I am? Are they judging me? Can they hear me? 47. Have you ever been high?Yes. 48. Have you ever been drunk?Yes... 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?In the end it is always about, what I don’t want my family to find out. They think I am completely fine now, but actually I lost this whole week of classes because I was too scared to get out of the apartment. Paranoia and social anxiety made it impossible for me to make a step outside without getting the “fight or flight” sensation, and I am a “flight” person. When I had I had to pay the bills I had a staring contest with the creeper from the other end of the room, and when I was back home I realized hat I was the creeper and not him. Yeah. And my family believes that I have my eating disorder under control. Nope, it’s getting worse. Again. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black. 51. Ever wished you were someone else?Every single second of my life. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?My Gender for example. 53. Favourite makeup brand?Maybeline New York. 54. Favourite store?Didn’t we already have this question? Amazon.com 55. Favourite blog?You all are cuties, how can you put me in such a position? 56. Favourite colour?Purple, Blue, Blood Red, Green, Black (although it is not a colour) 57. Favourite food? I like almost anything... Lasagna maybe? 58. Last thing you ate?A sweet bread bun. 59. First thing you ate this morning?Haven’t eaten anything yet. Does the milk in my coffee count? Or the pills? 60. Ever won a competition? For what?Writing competition in High School. Wasn’t the first place but I won a prize? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Passing notes in middle school. Send home for 2 days. I was scared shitless to tell my mom. 62. Been arrested? For what?No. 63. Ever been in love? 2 times. First time he ended up dying. Second time she ended up not returning my affections. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was on a weekend leave from the psychiatric ward at the time (for trying to commit suicide) and my first love had basically just died and I felt unlovable and worthless and yeah well. This guy at the birthday party of my cousin fell in “love with me” after 3 hours. He kissed me. It sucked. I told him it wouldn’t work out.  The whole story is above. 65. Are you hungry right now?No. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I don’t have real friends where I live, so in that way, yes. More than my best friends, no? But I love my tumblr friends differently, in some ways more, yes. Because I am able to express myself more openly and talk about things I wouldn’t be able to talk to with my best friends who I know would be uncomfortable with it and would start treating me differently. 67. Facebook or Twitter?None. 68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now?No 70. Names of your bestfriends? Nicolas and Lisa. 71. Craving something? What?A hug. Cuddling while watching a TV show and talking at the TV screen together. 72. What colour are your towels?All have a different colour and variety. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with?2 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Oh yes. 2 huge bears, one in each arm, and a small Bunny I had since I was born. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?No idea. 75. Favourite animal?I love all animals equally. But at the moment I think Owls are especially neat, as are polar foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear?Not wearing any right now, still in my pajamas. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Chocolate with chocolate chunks an caramel sauce. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Grey 80. What colour pants?Dark blue 81. Favourite tv show?Mr. Robot 82. Favourite movie?I couldn’t say, sorry. But I really like Spider-man Homecoming. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?The first one of course. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?I haven’t seen 21 Jump Street so I have to go with the former. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?The Ditzy Girl with the Weather Prophecy Boobs. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory 87. First person you talked to today?No one 88. Last person you talked to today?No one, but it is only Noon 89. Name a person you hate?I don’t hate, I mean pure hate, I dislike. I strongly dislike my father and how he is acting, I very strongly dislike the new girlfriend he has who I believe is manipulating him while he is still married and making the life of my mother hell. And if this strong dislike can be counted as hate, then yes, I hate my father and this woman. But I also will always love my father at the same time. 90. Name a person you love?My mother. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?My father. 92. In a fight with someone?Not that I am aware of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have?Only 1. I have to buy clothes but I don’t want to go shopping alone. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?3. I repeat myself. I do the laundry very often. 95. Last movie you watched?Spider-Man: Homecoming. It was a blast. 96. Favourite actress?Jennifer Lawrence. 97. Favourite actor?Rami Malek 98. Do you tan a lot?I tan very easily but try to avoid it as much as possible. 99. Have any pets?2 very ungrateful but lovely cats. 100. How are you feeling?I don’t know. 101. Do you type fast?I think so. But I am not sure. 102. Do you regret anything from your past?Too much. But I guess everyone regrets something. 103. Can you spell well?I think so? I sure hope so! 104. Do you miss anyone from your past?My first love. My grandmother who was also my second mother. I called her mom, she raised me since I was born. She was probably more my mother, than my actual mother and that pains me to say. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party?No 106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Whoo, story from above 107. Have you ever been on a horse?Sadly, no 108. What should you be doing?I should be drawing a Story board, working on my 3D Model of the Iron Man Suit and clean the apartment. 109. Is something irritating you right now?My allergy. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes. 111. Do you have trust issues?This question already existed. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My Ethics Class Professor who is also a Psychologist. 113. What was your childhood nickname?I only had mean nicknames. Like Sissi-pissy 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes. I was born in Germany (Baden Württemberg), I have been to Spain, France, Switzerland, The Czech Republic, Austria, Chile, Peru. I have had the chance to travel a bit in my life. 115. Do you play the Wii?I have played about 3 times on a Wii console. 116. Are you listening to music right now?No. I am concentrating. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Who doesn’t? 118. Do you like Chinese food?Again. Who doesn’t? 119. Favourite book?I love the Harry Potter Book Series. Still waiting for my letter to arrive. It just got lost, I know it. 120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not necessarily. I am afraid of what might be hiding in it. 121. Are you mean?I don’t think so. But I guess I can be mean sometimes, like everybody. But I try my best to be nice. Everyone deserve to be treated nicely. 122. Is cheating ever okay?No. NEVER. If someone were to cheat on me I would end the relationship. Because I wouldn’t trust them anymore, and a relationship doesn’t work without trust. And obviously I didn’t mean enough to them to be faithful to me. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean?No. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight?No. Attraction at first sight, yes. But love is more than just looks. 125. Do you believe in true love?I don’t know. It’s a nice thought. 126. Are you currently bored?Not at this moment, no. 127. What makes you happy?Hanging out with good friends and just being stupid together. 128. Would you change your name?Yes. If I could change my gender and body I would totally change my name. 129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini. 130. Do you like subway?I don’t dislike it, but I don’t go out of my way to eat there. I can get a sandwich everywhere? 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I don’t return the sentiment I will let them know that I am flattered and that they mean a lot to me, but that I sadly do not return this type of emotions. That them telling me this did not change the way I think of them, but I would understand if they need some space for a while. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Alex, Eljot. From Tumblr. Didn’t we have this question already? 133. Favourite lyrics right now?Clipped wings, I was a broken thingHad a voice, had a voice but I could not singYou would wind me downI struggled on the groundSo lost, the line had been crossedHad a voice, had a voice but I could not talkYou held me downI struggle to fly now- Sia - Bird Set Free 134. Can you count to one million?I could, but do I want to? No 135. Dumbest lie you ever told?“It wasn’t me!” - While holding the evidence right in my tiny little hands (5 year old self) 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed. Open Doors make me really uncomfortable. 137. How tall are you?1,64 m 138. Curly or Straight hair?Curly 139. Brunette or Blonde?Brunette 140. Summer or Winter?Winter 141. Night or Day?Night 142. Favourite month?December 143. Are you a vegetarian?No. But I was once a vegetarian for a year. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark 145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee 146. Was today a good day?The day just began! 147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote?“And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche 149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yes 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou)    DerechoProcesal Penal 1“Quienes intervienen en la audience deben expresar a viva voz sus pensamientos.” - El Principio de Oralidad