#i am going to make a dynamic that is so catastrophically codependent

[carlyraejepsans]

what's the 9/11 of something but like. good. something that changes everything forever, opens up a new perspective etc. anyway i'm gonna be the 9/11 of frisk x asriel

[platypusisnotonfire]

I’m not even sure what the point of this post is but it’s just a bunch of words and phrases that have been churning in my mind for months,

Idk if this is about trauma bonds or the validity of adoption relationships or codependency I have no idea what this is going to ramble into

I don’t know how sibling relationships usually go or if I’m overreacting, I have no frame of reference for a normal family dynamic.

I understand that there’s no “normal” family and we are “all a little dysfunctional” so don’t @ me but like

There is an acceptable range of family experience that generally happens when no one is overly mentally I’ll and no catastrophic disasters occur, Ect. You know what I mean.

I’ve never been able to see that range through binoculars so I have no idea what parts of my life are facets of the normal human experience and what are “wow no that’s not normal people don’t do that.”

And so like, I can’t parse my emotions around how intense my bond was with my brother and also about when I mention my brother and my best friend says “well, cousin, he wasn’t really your brother” because he was sort of adopted (fostered? Dumped on our doorstep cuz his parents (my aunt and uncle) were getting a divorce and didnt want to deal with the kid)

And idk, maybe I got too attached because of the trauma bond over the shared menace of the adults in our lives? She’s always pointing out he “didn’t live with you full time” and that’s true for later, he did only live full time with us from when we were like 2 until we were 8 (from from 8-13 he was with us half the year, then 13-17 just part of each summer and school breaks) which is like…. That is a short amount of time?

Is she right? Am I not supposed to be so attached to him? I mean I see it, on paper, six years does not a lifetime make. And I doubt myself.

But I also get pissed and I feel like telling her, I was closer to him than I’ll ever be with you. Because we never had to get to know each other.

We were probably too close, never anything weird/incest but like, probably codependency— it was just, we were two halves of the same person. Everything happened in real-time. I never had to “open up” about my self harm, I just told him the first time it happened, and he understood and accepted me in the way that only he could understand me. I will never be on that wavelength with any other person on this earth.

So many people say “you can tell me, I won’t judge” but it’s like, really what they mean is they won’t say anything. But this was 100% safe, no matter what was said, no matter how dark and twisted and ugly the truth was, he didn’t judge me and I didn’t judge him. And we went through some dark and ugly stuff, and processed it with some twisted and ugly coping mechanisms, but the emotional reaction to sharing it was always, “ok.”

We were each other’s best and sometimes (in my case) only friends.

I don’t know if this is the normal human experience with siblings, like I know there’s a huge range on sibling relationships just like all family relationships, some people get along with their parents, I wish mine would frick off into the sun and incinerate. But like, for people who were close with their sibling, was it like this?

Or is this because of the united front we had to put up against the abuse?

Or is it just me being a dysregulated emotional barnacle? (Good god, I’ve literally never even asked him if he felt the same way. What if this is literally all in my head?)

And even more so since like he’s not “really” even my brother so what business do I have being so distraught

And it’s been a decade since we were major parts of each other’s lives and I still get struck with pangs of agony like the entirety of my torso has been carved out whenever anything reminds me of him and it’s sickening and aching and desperate and there’s nothing to fill it, it’s a part of my being that’s gone, and everything about my loss is my own fault because I didn’t protect him enough and I didn’t teach him enough and it doesn’t matter that he was older— he was softer, and I had a shell that should have been big enough for the both of us but when he needed me most, for the first time I pulled away

Why was I so stupid

[entro2aura24awakened80tf-blog]

Often it is said that people come into our lives for particular reasons. The amount of time while they are with us is insignificant because ultimately what is most important is whether or not we are destined to repeat the same mistakes or evolve through a major epiphany which eventually guides us further along the path in this life time.

Karmic relationships, or those relationships which are wrought with turmoil and uncertainty are important relationships mingled with an intense codependent component which usher those of us who are aware to make major shifts in the course of our lives.

Currently I am shifting out of a karmic dynamic which I had slid into after a catastrophic Karmic relationship that turned my former self upside down. This particular dynamic that I speak of was far more covert because it was something that lacked definition and boundaries, however on an energetic level it was certainly felt. My involvement started towards the tail end of the previous relationship and I was stricken with vulnerability, a victim mentality, and a loss of confidence, self-esteem, and direction. This individual initially appeared to be someone safe, but beneath the surface was someone who would keep themselves at a distance and give little. I never knew where I stood with this person, yet I was watched through friends, as well as themselves and was made to feel wrong for socializing with potential romantic partners. This person was extremely jealous and their circle of friends covertly bullied me because they did not have a clear picture of what was or wasn't going on between us. I did not quite understand either as I was literally in a long winded process of self healing and stabilization. They compared me to a Narcissist because while I was amicable with them and the individual I speak of, they did not understand why I did not move the relationship forward.

When I explained that I needed time to heal and get back on my feet, they invalidated what I knew was right for me. It would be almost 3 years of them antagonizing me and spreading rumors about me. They did not need to know that I had decided not to date and be celibate in this journey to recovery. They instead projected their own experiences onto me. Surviving Narcissistic abuse was just the tip of the iceberg, outsiders were by far the most exhausting part of the journey. I tuned them out and continued to make the necessary moves to climb out of the darkness. The individual became more demanding and then passive aggressive with put downs and such. I had no support and at times had to self isolate to get away from it all. There were many days which I went hungry because I was still getting back on my feet after the discard. These people used my disadvantage to further abuse me, but they did not know that they had met a spiritual warrior who could hold her own and still move forward as well as rise above all that tried to weigh me down.

The many lessons I learned from the entirety of this phantom relationship that I knew nothing about and the darkness that revealed itself in the people who I had once been friends with furthered my mission of compassion and loyalty to the divine.

Now that I am healed from the prison term of my past, I am confident that I can attract the love that I know I deserve. The individual who portrayed me as a womanizer, someone always on the run, without ever really having a talk about any type of interest taught me a myriad of things.

I am fortified in self-confidence, boundaries, gratitude, and abundance. So to them, I say...

Thank you kindly!

Love and Light!

Namaste

#karmicrelationships

[narcissistpsychopath-abuse]

NEW VIDEO Pandemics: COVID19 and Daddy Issues in Borderline-Narcissist Couples

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23tQTkf2F0U

https://archive.org/details/bpdnpddaddy

Narcissistic-Borderline Couples: Daddy Issues  https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/cxmxUgqTHPc

By Sam Vaknin

Author of "

Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited

"

Borderline women often end up with narcissistic men. But they feel overpowered and overwhelmed in these relationships as the narcissist leverages his cold empathy to push all their buttons cruelly and repeatedly until they are triggered badly, decompensate, and act out. The Borderline partner often claims that the narcissist “made her misbehave” in dramatic or histrionic ways, drove her crazy, and that his very presence bothered her, that “he was too much and everywhere”.

The narcissist’s strong and ubiquitous personality compels the Borderline to test boundaries and to mock or challenge his omniscient bloated self-importance.

The narcissist is perceived by the Borderline as a Father figure, or even, in moments of diffusion and dissociation, as an actual father. The narcissist wants to possess the Borderline, reduce her to a mute witness of his grandeur, and transform her into a mere function or extension. This extended mistreatment provokes in the Borderline (often a secondary psychopath herself) reactance and defiance, a re-enactment of a teenage rebellion.

With her egregious misconduct, she is communicating to the narcissist: “I am not your daughter or property, but an autonomous person, an emancipated, independent, and accomplished woman, desired by other men”. Cast as an immature and even infantile object by the narcissist, she just wants to “grow up and leave him behind”. Ironically, her misconduct amounts to a regression to adolescence, stripping away adulthood and its responsibilities

The Borderline is testing the Narcissist’s unconditional love for her, regardless of how extremely she misbehaves, in an attempt to make up for her emotionally distant biological original father. But she is unable to accept unconditional love owing to her dread of engulfment and enmeshment. She feels brainwashed and in the throes of vanishing via a vertiginous process of merger or fusion. What appears to be unconditional love elicits in her paranoid suspiciousness because she “smells a rat” as she misinterprets any solicitous empathy and verbalized positive emotions to be fake manipulative insincerity.

Consequently, when she is truly loved and despite her paralyzing abandonment or separation anxiety, the Borderline feels trapped, threatened, and immobilized. This leads to an inexorable approach-avoidance repetition compulsion: confronted with a strong, boundaried, and centered partner – she flees. If the partner is codependent and spineless, she sadistically torments and punishes him for failing to provide her with a stable core and to compensate for her diffuse and kaleidoscopic identity (which I dub “identity cloud”).

Unconditional love has the potential for infinite pain: the Borderline is aware that, with her lability, dysregulation, and hurtful acting out, she is bound to compromise, tamper, or lose her loved ones and it is going to kill her (she is catastrophizing). But she also feels inadequate, bad, unworthy, inefficacious, and defective and so unable to reciprocate the love given to her, a deficiency which guarantees eventual abandonment. So, she misbehaves in order to pre-empt and precipitate abandonment.

The Borderline ideal partner is someone who is strong enough to be weak and vulnerable at times.

Other motivations intermingle with the aforementioned dynamics and result in antisocial and dysempathic, hurtful, or even sadistic choices and beahviors:

Envy and Competition

The Borderline is grandiose, holds grudges, and is passive-aggressive (negativistic), so she is virulently envious of her partner’s superiority and ascendance, whether real or self-imputed. She competes with her partner and subtly undermines, or actively sabotages his efforts and accomplishments.

Punishment and Power Play

The Borderline’s splitting leads to a constant wish to punish the persecutory, evil, bad, frustrating, and punitive object that her partner is (in her mind) - thus restoring justice and a balance of power within the relationship.

Attention Seeking

The Borderline goes haywire conspicuously in order to secure attention and guarantee a monopoly on her partner’s emotional and other resources. The Borderline equates such ministrations to her tantrums and externalized aggression with vows of loyalty and faithfulness: as long as her partner cares about her, caters to her self-inflicted wounds, and is preoccupied with her antics, she has in him a safe and secure base, he is unlikely to abandon her.

Getting Rid of the Narcissist

The Narcissistic partner’s presence in the Borderline’s life involves rejection, abuse, and withholding and so becomes intolerable and painfully unbearable. Agony, anger, frustration, repressed aggression, heartrending disappointment, restrictions on freedom, and emotional blackmail overwhelm the Borderline’s fragile and dysfunctional self-regulation. Her antisocial and callous behavioral choices are then intended to lead to a dissolution of the hurtful bond.

Revenge

Finally, of course, there is avenging perceived wrongs, slights, and abuse, real or imagined by engaging in a tit-for-tat and escalating the confrontation.

===================================

Author Bio

Sam Vaknin (

http://samvak.tripod.com

/mediakit.html ) is the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, international affairs, and award-winning short fiction. He is Visiting Professor of Psychology, Southern Federal University, Rostov-on-Don, Russia and Professor of Finance and Psychology in CIAPS (Centre for International Advanced and Professional Studies).

He was the Editor-in-Chief of Global Politician and served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101. His YouTube channels garnered 20,000,000 views and 85,000 subscribers.

Visit Sam's Web site at

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com