#i am genuinly mentally ill about her

[m0n1q]

Theoretically what would you do if I told you that I thought V… my beautiful princess with a disorder.,, used to- AND HEAR ME OUT!!!!!

Uhm..

Do,,,,

Ballet.

What, and this is just an if, would you do then? All just in theory of course haha. I would never think about that at all. Never ever. Especially not when I’m at work.

…

LOOK ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT THEY HAD TO HAVE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT THEM FOR TESSA TO BE INTERESTED IN KIDNAPPING DRONES.

[starlight-phantom]

Ai the somnium files for the fandoms ask? You can include nirvana initiative if you want :3

I think I did one of these for AI about a month ago??? But my memory's terrible so I might as well just do it again 👍

3 male characters I love:

Kaname Date, I'm usually not a fan of the pervy character in things, but Date works so well because 1) He thinks all these things and makes comments but he never actually does stuff to people to make them uncomfortable, and 2) It's not his defining characteristic, he's so much more than horny. Like he's a great detective, he cares about his peers and wants to keep them safe, he's a great father figure even if he doesn't really know what he's doing, he's just such a great character. Also Greg Chun's performance is 👌👌👌

Kuruto Ryuki, *slaps roof* this boy can fit so many mental illnesses. I love this boy but goddamn he is a filthy liar whenever he says "I'm fine". But his story was so engaging and you really feel for him when it clicks into place. Like I've been giving the game a second playthrough with the knowledge of the twist and wow so many scenes hit different. Also, this is the first time I've heard Stephen Fu in a big role (The only other time I've heard him is Douma from KNY and he's only appeared a couple of times so far) and wow, I really wanna hear more of his work because his performance was incredible.

Pewter, I dunno he dresses like a fruity Pokémon villain and he's got an awkward yet charming personality. Not to mention, his story in the right path of the first game made me feel so bad for him... Like damn, just let this man be happy please, he deserves it. Also, I know I'm a broken record, but Sean Chiplock's performance, his delivery on the weirder lines are so funny (Yes I am thinking about the chairs line, how did you know?)

3 female characters I love:

Aiba, I fucking adore Aiba. She's the best. I love how she's the straight man to Date's shenanigans IRL but when they're in somniums, Date is the straight man to her shenanigans, I love her excitement whenever she sees bugs, I love how she knows Date so well she can manipulate him into being a better fighter, I love her lil jelly hamster form, I love Erika Harlacher's performance, I just really, really love Aiba.

Mizuki Date, I don't even know where to start with Mizuki... She's honestly one of the best written child characters I've seen in a game. And this poor girl has been through so much in both games but her route in the first game had me sobbing buckets. Not to mention, Corrina Boegetter's performance, they really knocked it out of the park for every single facet of Mizuki's personality. Also they genuinly managed to sound like a twelve year old, that's impressive all by itself.

Shizue Kuranushi, Listen... I am not immune to hot women voiced by Allegra Clark, okay? I'm only human. But seriously... Her design, her personality, her dedication to her co-workers, her office and the funny interactions that come from all the stuff she just doesn't throw away, and the fact that's somehow simultaneously a girlboss and a cringefail milf???? Impressive. She has the range, darling.

Also, quick shout-out to Tama, I adore her and her crazy laugh so much

3 romantic ships I love:

Kaname Date/Hitomi Sagan, god those two are so cute, really bummed they barely interacted in the sequel...

Kaname Date/Kuruto Ryuki, Date has two hands. But seriously, the admiration Ryuki has for Date and the way they watch out for each other is really sweet

Iris Sagan/Amame Doi, cute bubblegum colours but also they have each others backs and they always have fun hanging out with each other

There was another ship I wanted to add but it's spoilery and a mutual was considering potentially checking out the series so I thought it would be best to leave it out. But if you've played the first game, you can probably guess who it is.

3 platonic dynamics I love:

Kaname Date/Mizuki Date, I mean... Chances are if you've been following me for a while you know that I am just a huge sucker for family dynamics. And the dynamic of adopted father/daughter viewing each other as their real family but being too embarrassed to admit is something I adore.

Kuruto Ryuki/Tama, I love these two so much. I love how IRL Ryuki is just so done with all of Tama's dirty jokes and then in somniums Tama is so done with all of Ryuki's weird suggestions and skits. But also it's their concern for each other, you can tell they're partners. I feel like the best example of this is when Tama insists that Ryuki goes to the hospital no matter how much he protests, like... She just wants him to be safe and healthy...

Ota Matsushita/Mayumi Matsushita, god the Ota route destroyed me when I played through it but seeing them as a family getting through their issues was so sweet. I won't go into detail because it's personal but a few months ago I went offline for a while because of a family emergency and it's because of similar situation to Mayumi. So yeah, playing that hit hard.

3 favorite moments in canon:

The ending scenes of both games. If you know, you know.

Again, I wanna avoid spoilers but the Annihilation Route interrogation. Holy shit that scene was incredible.

The final scene in the final Somnium of Nirvana Initiative. Just... Goddamn that hit hard and the delivery of the "I have no regrets!" Crushed me.

3 favorite headcanons:

I honestly can't think of any headcannons off the top of my head... And I've been typing this response for way longer I intended... Sorry...

3 least favorite things about it:

Some of the somniums can have some obscure logic but like... Not in the way that you proud when you figure it out, but more angry in a "how the hell was I supposed to figure that out?" Kinda way.

I really hate how Ryuki and Tama just got kinda shoved to the side halfway through Nirvana Initiative. Like they stole the show for a lot of their scenes and then once the Mizuki Route started they barely appeared and when they did, they weren't really shown in the best light, especially Ryuki. Granted there's a plot reason for this but still... It's disappointing. If there's an AI3, I hope they get more screentime.

I feel like Tearer really didn't get enough screentime in Nirvana Initiative, especially when unmasked. Like c'mon this is the main antagonist, give us more of him! Especially considering his entire backstory, that's a lot of really interesting stuff to build off of! Also just... I wanted to hear more of Billy Kametz' villainous performance. It was rare to hear him in those roles but he was so damn good in them.

[untoastted]

This ask made me realize i dont know how to spell harbigur

HARBIGUR GODS AU. YOU MENTIONED SIGNORA WHAT DO YOU HAVE PLANNED FOR HER (i am so incredebly sorry if you've already told me this :((( )

Also, regarding the flower language, Dottore's eyes are red and that one flower you talked about was red. So i am just imagining a drawing of the flower Being his eye (his eye is in the middle part) as it breaks his mask. Am i going to draw that? No, genuinly no, i cant draw mask in first person it is hell i tried, but im just putting this out there in case 👀 (if im talking like a crazy person and you dont understand a word i said i AM willing to show you a rough sketch. Dottore is your mentally ill and murdery guy and the fact im imagining a full drawing with flowers is Not Okay D: )

It’s harbingers how dare you (/j)

Anyway you are in for some nonsense rambling cause I have not slept enjoy!

I have in fact not because she’s one of the ones I’ve been kinda neglecting, It’s no surprise I’ve been thinking about Dottore and Pantalone most of the time I think of this au

Anyway what it is that I have so far is that Signora was Sandrones dead lover, much like Zhongli and the god of salt (forgot her name I’m so sorry) she was forced to kill her though not during the archon war but right before Sandrones creator, marry-anne (I think that’s how it’s spelt can’t remember if it’s Mary or marry my Sandrone loving friend would be so disappointed in me) disappeared

Sandrone was trained hard after she was made after all she was made to replace marry-anne as the archon she had to be strong and her final challenge to her was killing the one she truly loved

That day Sandrone learned the truth about why she was even allowed to get close to someone in the first place, so that one day she could learn the pain of losing someone, grief

Soon after signoras death marry-anne disappeared leaving Sandrone to be the archon, she’s resented marry-anne ever since… she’s resented everything ever since becoming cold and distant towards everyone but her people

(Oh oh adding on to this after the fact that Sandrones the archon of eternity so she was created so that marry-Anne could technically live on for an eternity. And also how her one and only love with live on eternally in her heart despite them not being able to be together anymore)

OMG THATS SUCH A COOL IDEA THO (do send me that rough sketch tho I wanna see it)

You’ve flowerfied my fave how could you (I say like I haven’t started using flower language in this au because of you and also was the one to talk about that flower to you)

[sflksjlksflksj]

personal diary heyo

Hey its me again. i am feeling alot better lately. i went to see my dad and it was very nice. i went hiking twice and to the beach and the boys had so much fun. i have been trying to keep up walking a mile a day and i have been feeling alot better. I still eat like shit which i hope to improve eventully but whatever one step at a time. i was telling my husband i hope to be back to my before baby weight by the end of the summer. its only like 50-60 pounds at max and i think i can do that slowly lol. My mother in law and me went to the zoo yesterday with the boys and it was alot of fun. i am trying to genuinly get along with her because i do love her alot and i am feeling alot better mentally and i want to show it. working out honestly does help alot with depression i never believed that but ive been really feeling better. Mil and bil went to the ceremony for husbands grandpas death early this friday to set things up and we are leaving tomorrow to be at the ceremony. Just sucks to be doing this again. it feels like we were just doing his grandmas. and that women i had a real relationship with. we are going to be changing my last name and ending this child support shit this week and im excited for it. i think changing my last name will really show everyone we are married basically. i dont support the idea of western marriage. You can legit marry anyone and anything as long as you pay and its stupid, people can marry cars but oh we arent taking it seriously? blow me. we want to do a ceremony soon with family but i cant even start to plan things lol. it makes me super nervous thinking about that day. id love to do it when the boys are both old enough to remember ya know? idk. we have been together for 7 years. no breaks or shit. we had a bumpy road when it came to our mental health but we got out the other end and we are better and mature. a little lol. working out has helped me kinda calm down about all the shit that normally bothers me. i have to leave to make breakfast for my husband and i, and our sons. ill be back definltly. its nice to write. i miss physically writing but my kids love to draw and will take my pen and paper from me or scream in my face until they get the equalivent lol. 

[splitriverghostie]

(TW: Sui*ice) (TW: Abuse) (TW: Family problems)

I'm sorry I just really need to ask about this because I can't handle it anymore. I need to move out but I have one more year until I can, I have major separation anxiety from my mom, and I don't have a full time job (Also please don't think I'm asking for money, even though there's nothing wrong with that, I just want to clarify I'm not asking for money) I just needed to ask some if they thought what was happening would count as abuse because I genuinly don't know at this point and I don't want to say it is if it isn't so I don't mean this to diminish anybody else who is suffering with abuse so if this seems like I'm doing that I'm sorry and that is not what I am trying to do and I want to know if I even have a right to be upset or if I should be upset with the things thats are going on because my family always makes me feel like it's my fault that I feel like shit and feel like committing suicide.

Here's a list of the things my family (Mostly my mom) has said to me/called me/done to me:

"Kiss my ass"

"You're acting like a bitch" (Even though she called me a bitch and then when I called her out for it she said she said I was acting like a bitch even though that's not any better)

Asshole

Brat

"Shut up"

"If you hit me I'm going to break your damn hands"

"I'm gonna smack you"

"Again?!" (Annoyed when I started crying then she stormed out)

Mocks me in various voices and in other ways

*Mocking me* "Oh life is so hard"

"If I'm such a bad parent then call CPS"

My entire family constantly calls me nasty.

My mom slaps me (Not a lot just sometimes) when she's had enough with me, has said she should've beat my brothers and me more when they were growing up, and her and my family constantly almost brag and laugh about how scared my brothers were growing up of being hit by my grandmother.

One day my grandma and I got into a fight (That didn't involve the remote this just happened during/after the fight) and I dropped the remote behind the couch so I went to get it and when I loved the couch apparently I moved the couch too fast so she ran up to me and started hitting me when all I was doing was trying to get the remote from behind the couch.

My family constantly reminds us, almost proudly, that one day they stopped and asked a police officer if they can hit us and he said as long as it didn't leave a mark it was perfectly fine so they use that as their excuse to hit us.

My grandma always assumes without any information on the situation that when me and my mom are fighting that my mom is automatically innocent and it's completely my fault. One day she came downstairs as me and my mom we're having a fight and immediately started yelling at me.

They're such hypocrites with everything, anything that they do good or bad they're aloud to do but if I do it I get yelled at or in trouble, like (This is a smaller example but there are a lot of other things they do this with) my grandparents (We live with them) dog is constantly barking and everything I say anything about it at all I get screamed at because the dog is "Just playing" so that's why she's barking (Even though she barks constantly) but then when I go upstairs and play with the dogs I get yelled at and told I should play with the dogs outside or downstairs or something because they're barking and my mom constantly tries to make excuses for them and herself like she said that it was just the timing so that's why I wasn't aloud to play with the dogs because they we're watching TV but almost right after I left and went downstairs after being yelled at and told I can't play with the dogs I heard them upstairs playing with the dogs. They also constantly complain about my mom and myself dog barking even though most of the time it's because their dog barking and making our dogs bark and their dogs are aloud to bark whenever.

I get yelled at and glared at by my mom even if I ask or say something in a calm nice way or say something bad they did to me that they shouldn't have.

Everybody in the house says I should respect the people older than me even if they did something wrong because they're older even though they definitely haven't earned my respect and they treat me like shit.

Everyone in my family yells at me then says they weren't and that I "don't know what yelling is" and say "do you want me to show you" and sometimes screams at the top of their lungs and goes "THIS IS YELLING!!!!!"

My mom has mentally and emotionally stunted me in many ways including things like not letting me learn to drive even though I'm 17 because SHE'S "Not ready" and all of the things have mentally stunted me more because now it makes me nervous to think about things like driving and now I feel like I'm not ready and she constantly says she never said I couldn't. It's probably because she doesn't want me to have a way out of what they do to me.

They always tell me everything's my fault and if I feel like shit it's my fault because my brain is making me think those things.

They always call things like my sensory processing disorder that causes me to need to moisturize my hands if they get wet because when they dry my sensory processing disorder makes my hands feel like they're a million times more dry and I can't handle the feeling conditions in a condescending way.

If I don't have the exact date and time down to the exact second of when they've done something bad to me my mom says it didn't happen and even if I do have the exact date and time they still don't believe me.

They constantly gas light me and make me question if I should be as upset over something that happened or if they actually did something to me.

My mom has called me a pig and when I got upset and started crying she says she meant because of how messy I am and didn't care when I said it still hurt me and said it shouldn't havenand got upset with me for crying.

When I asked my mom if she thought I was smart enough for my dream job she paused then when I mentioned it she said she paused because she didn't think with my mental problems and me overthinking I could.

They constantly talk about my physical appearance, personality, and intelligence and make me insecure about both.

They get mad at me for being upset about things and say if I went to therapy it would be better (As if that would automatically fix everything) even though I can't do in-person therapy right now only online which I don't want to do and I'm terrified of therapy but they don't care.

They get upset with me when I cry because they say I cry at everything so instead of comforting me like family should they freak out and do something like say "Oh my god seriously?! Again?!" And storm out.

One time I walked out of my moms room because my family were making a lot of noise and when I came out my grandma got mad at me and said I rolled my eyes and when I said I didn't (Because I didn't) she just said "Ya you did" so I walked away crying because I'm constantly blamed for things I didn't do and she laughed at me as I walked away crying. (Which is probably also gaslighting because she made me question if I actually did or not but I really don't think I did and even if I did that doesn't give her the right to laugh at my when I walk away crying)

They constantly make me feel like shit about myself because of my mental illnesses that I can't control and didn't ask for.

They always make fun of me, mock me, and laugh at me when I cry and tell me in ridiculous as well as other things.

They always deny anything bad they ever do to me and when they can't deny it anymore because I have proof they immediately switch to oh well I did that because of this or that or something I did which proves they knew what they did because when they got caught they admitted to it and give and excuse as to why they did because they deny it until I have proof then as soon as they're caught they change it to an excuse as to why they did it. And whenever they don't want to deal with me anymore if I'm trying to explain why what they did hurt me they just do something like go "Fine whatever I'm a horrible mother" or something along those lines and storm out.

They always say I have an additude even when I don't and when I try to calmly talk to them they freak out and start yelling and make me cry. They can't have a normal calm talk about things.

I don't feel comfortable talking to them or anybody about emotional things like even good emotional things like sweet moments and other emotional things because they never really did that with me growing up so now I don't feel comfortable being emotional and talking to anybody.

My family, mainly my grandma, has always laughed at me for everything even when I don't say something funny. She just laughs at me and makes me feel horrible about myself. Like one day I left a tip at a restaurant and I let the person know they could keep the money and that I left it with the payment (Which was a big deal for me because my anxiety and social anxiety was super high during that time in my life) and she just laughed at me and made me embarrassed and humiliated.

I don't feel comfortable, safe, or happy (Sometimes) around my family.

They tell me it seems like I don't care about bad things that are going on because I hear about the bad things that are going on (I don't think they realize how much I hear about bad things that are going on and how much I know. I probably know more than them) all day then when I go up and see my family all they talk about is the bad things that are going on and constantly have the news on so I don't normally listen a whole lot and I just want to get away from it for just a second out of my day and they tell me it seems like I don't care and they make me feel like a bad person and that I'm heartless.

They don't look at me when I talk to them, like my mom's always in her phone then when I mention how it doesn't make me feel good they say and assume I probably do it to them even though I don't. They block me out or only listen to help of what I say and I have to repeat myself a million times and they interrupt me constantly.

I feel like my mom treats me the way she does because her mother treats her like that so she takes it out on my and treats me the same way.

I can't talk about emotional things (Even happy emotional things) without crying and I cry a lot and I'm a sensative person and my family just don't want to listen to me or care when I cry.

My mom brings me to the point of a panic attack before she tries to talk calmly to me (Which I try to do before hand) and then at that point I can't talk calmly anymore so she gets mad at me for crying and like I said before doesn't want to listen to me.

My mispphonia is really bad and even when I calmly try to ask them to stop making a noise, like my grandma tapping her finger nails, they still get upset at me and mock me by doing it really fast and close at me then stopping or just saying no and not stopping so there isn't even a point to ask nicely anymore.

They constantly tell me to have my headphones in to block them out (Even though I have to turn them up all the way and I can still hear them) because of my mispronounced but then get mad them I can't hear them (Even though they always block me out and interrupt me)

When I try to explain to my mom that my mental health is the most important she tells me my grades are most important and covers it up by saying she just cares about my future.

But if I'm dead I won't have a future to worry about.

And there's a lot more I just can't remember right now. Please don't feel pressured to or like you have to but if anybody could let me know if this would count as any type of abuse or if I even have the right to be or if I should be upset about any if this❤

[zachiboo]

todays one of these days where i choose to express myself through a keyboard and typre my feeling away to nothing i know nobody really reads these but i dont mind being alone for now ive been hurt by to many girls..to ev en wanna try anymore, the most recent girl had all of me, should could have done absolutely everything to make me hate her and i would still love her its scary its manipulative and it just hurts because in life you are bound to come across people who may seem like they will show you the same love care  and compassion as you do them, but really they are fucked up in their own way you just dont know whether you should open up to them or not i guess im pretty easy to get to open up but ilike telling people how i am how i feel and how diverse i really am i may think like a girl and i may get jealous like a girl but that doesnt mean anything i care..im sorry but im not sorry that i actually give a shit about people and what they think im just very emotional and im kindof unstable but im trying and trying to better myself so that one day when i meet that special girl ill be mentally and physically alright. and ill find someone who doesnt mind me being myself.. and honestly thats all i really want someone to lift me up when im low and being anchored even lower to the floor than i already am it sucks but in the long run i am the one who will be there for you i the end because i genuinly care about your swell being and i cant stand to see people struggle all i want to do is help i just want people to open up to me and not be afraid of whats on the other side because im a pretty good listener and i would love to hear your story i dont care what you look like what gender you are or even if your suicidal talk to me and let me know whats up because im loving im compassiante and i really care so much so if you dont me and you want to open up to someone and let them know the situation your in let me know because i will give you my time, i dont care about what people think i just want to help.

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 4 Confessionals

RTP is a monster. Anyway, we fucking crushed that immunity. I wanted Jordan pines voted out. I've only ever played one org with him and he was my nemesis and I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with a nemesis in this one. Why couldn't Willa have done better

we won the music video.. and my ass edited a full video plus a roast after never using adobe premiere before so im pretty shook!! our tribe definitiely seems more... "kumbaya" than the other tribe which... eh. i want the drama! but other than that our tribes good. i def feel like ive been getting complacent with talking to people so im gonna start trying to ramp back up my social game to how it was in the first round hopefully?? i need to start talking more and making bonds. (not much i can really do though, willow katie and chris are on the bottom) i just have to ensure theyre still on the bottom and hopefully keep katie safe for me to work with?? willow and chris can go i guess. also charlotte can go too tbh. like id prefer me/bryce/zach/katie over me/bryce/zach/charlotte but a returnees alliance is easier to put together, so ill work with charlotte!! idk why i dont wanna work with her i just dont get a good vibe from her?? sounds dumb but im trying to trust my gut. and ... yeah not much has happened and i dont wanna make major waves just yet.

Free rice is so fun and not having to do grammar? Amazing! Hope I can do well in this challenge to show I'm useful. I feel like their isn't a lot of socializing happening on our tribe but I'm gonna try to change that. katieare propane torches dangerous? I want to go get one at home depot today. katiehere is my second confessional: charlotte seems chill I wonder if she will work with me in this game?

WILLA IS FINALLY GONE. God I can't believe he didn't compete in a single challenge and managed to not get first boot. We did Emma so dirty, I can't believe it, bring her back. Anyway, going in this reward challenge I'm not too fussed about whether we win or not, it would be nice to see what the Wishing Well is all about but eh, I'm not too fussed. Immunity is what I really want because now that we got rid of the dead weight I think the fingers may start to pointed at the winners AKA me and Jay. We have enough votes to tie it since Jordan is with us. We could potentially swing Adam but he's very much linked with Ryan who is linked with Lexi so it's...a mess. No tribal pls @ immunity gods!

Wow we won another challenge. Is the other tribe even trying? I didn't want to submit too much in case I seemed like a threat so I'm happy that I didn't do the most and we still won. I never find anything in the wishing well tho. Wish I knew who was picking the right number. But focusing on the positive, we won again!! ryan matthewi literally don't know what to do if we go to tribal. i won't want the full jordan pines experience to be blindsided by him. obviously lexi and i are a duo so im hoping we have options if that happens....

So I was looking over my Malaysia confessionals for some reason. What started as me trying to find my FTC speech turned into me reliving horrible and painful memories of Mitchell Kalabang calling me an idiot in many creative ways. Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I noticed that I made a lot of good, detailed confessionals in that game and I want to make sure I can do the same here for Athena. Well as of now, I think I'm in an okay position. I make a bit of chit chat with everyone now and again. I'll need to step that up today though just in case we go to tribal. I admit I've been slacking in my relationships with anyone who's name doesn't rhyme with Pordan Jines. I did congratulate Ryan on winning Kvaløya and told Adam that I'm not gonna vote him out, so that's something. Lexi also came to me and was like "I promise I'll do better on the challenge next time." Like I'm some authority on effort. Ryan probably told her that I was a little annoyed that no one tried in the video challenge. To sum it up, Jordan Pines will always be targeted before me so I am perfectly content letting him take the reins for the time being. I have decent relationships with Ryan and Adam. Lexi is with Ryan for sure. And Luke sketches me out just like every other game I've played with him. I hope we win immunity. 

So we need to win this immunity or we fucked. Like it just doesn't make sense to me. On this tribe we have me jay luke ryan and adam. In theory we should never lose a challenge, but theory is dumb and we lose everything. Like we've managed to keep a cohesive group that i honestly think genuinly likes each other but like, if we lose its all over. If we win this immunity we can hopefully swap and go into it 6-6 and maybe bring katie over to our side. If we lose however everything is done. We go into what may be a divided tribal and lose any hope of keeping a tight 6. We can't lose. Dear god let us win immunity BryceCurrently I'm worried about Zach/Charlotte but I still trust them just something to look out for. Hoping we can win this immunity but if not I think I'd want chris or willow out probably but I'd fall back on my alliance with Zach/Charlotte/Carson

So of course our next immunity is a typing challenge. With this other tribe as insanely fast at typing as they are, I'm really not liking our chances at winning this immunity. I've been pretty busy the past couple of days so I feel like I may be in trouble if we lose.

wait i did that wrong; Katie Shoots Target # sorry i wasnt here on time

I love nothing more than a true underdog story. Zach and Bryce came in the fucking CLUTCH and pulled out that win for us. I can't believe it. In all my days of winning immunity challenges with a tribe, this is probably my favorite one. I'm so happy. I genuinely like everyone on my tribe and I'm so happy we aren't splitting up. Cue RTP laughing at this confessional because we're probably gonna have a swap next.

LOOK AT US WINNING IMMUNITY. SAFETY IS A GOOD COLOR ON ULTA!!!!!

Like ik im probs jinxing something but this game is boring nobody wants to talk game. also everyone just ends conversations after they respond to how are you, and i try and make  small talk... like?? whatevs. im focusing on this game and i rlly wanna make merge. (also zach + bryce killed it woo i love them) nothing is rlly happening in this game which sucks. i predict that therell be a swap next round which is.. eh?? idk how i feel about that but im hoping i wont be swapfucked. (also i think im acc becoming good friends with zach and im happy hes gr8!!)

Wow me and Zach scoring all the points is good. I don't want to be seen as a challenge threat tho in case we swap and I'm somehow not in numbers. It's odd how like everyone hounds Jordan Pines and I can't tell if its jokingly or if hes enemy number 1 FJSDFHSJDF. I'm glad to not go to tribal and to have a 7-5 advantage. Whenever I talk to Willow we talk about nothing for like 2 minutes and thats it. Hasn't eaten meatloaf wish I were her, but hasn't had enchiladas? suspicious... Maybe shes vegan but even still how can I trust someone who doesn't know the goodness of an enchilada. Really wish I had some idea what was happening with the other tribe. Not being in a one world situation is different and I wish I could talk to them more to get a better picture seeing as how I'm going in blind if we swap/merge. Anyways that's all for now

I am well and truly fucked. I slept through all of my alarms last night and ended up missing the immunity challenge which we LOST. Guess what the agenda for the last two people who were voted off was? They didn't compete in challenges. Guess what I just didn't do? COMPETE IN A FUCKING CHALLENGE. God I'm so screwed. My only hope right now is that Jordan and Jay don't hate me enough to vote with me and try and break up the duo of Ryan and Lexi. I'm going to have to pray that Adam will want to work with me too otherwise the vote will tie and I do NOT trust Jay enough to go to rocks for me. Jordan might do that but I don't trust Jay at all to risk his life like that for me. I have a lot of work to put into today so...pray for me. 

WE WON IMMUNITYT! I'm so happy, i need to make two confessionals so this is one: im so happy i pulled through. I tried so hard to focus and make sure we didn't go to tribal because genuinely I like everyone on our tribe andd i'd feel bad voting anyone tbh. im not best socially right now and i think i need to use this time critically. I PROMISE ILL MAKE BETTER ONES NEXT ROUND HEHE

tribe assessment: bryce-  iconic king. he's good at challenges, and i think him and i are semi close. i'm down for working w him and i think he's a good asset carson - my favourite i guess? im closest to him, him and i talk a LOT, and he's super fun and social. i'm a lil worried down the road ideally because of his social game, but for now he's an ally charlotte - her and i are in two games together, so it's risky. i trust her and like her, but our social game w/ one another isn't like phenomenal or anything. She is super sweet Chris - Like... him and I talk a fair amount, not a lot, but he's super cool. I love his puppy (or whoevers puppy that is) and i think he's super sweeet katie - similar as Chris. her and I dont talk a LOT but shes really cool and i think she's a good asset challenge-wise. willow- i love her she's so sweet but she never replies (or often, at least) so RIP! I do think ill end up working w her down the road though, she's a queen -- overall i do like everyone so going to tribal would be awful because i have to vote one out. BUT, theres been speculation on an upcoming swap too... so that's intense. but, nonetheless, im here for twists!

Nope. Thats all i got to say. Like we should have won that. and we didnt and now im mad. And we had a good group of 6 like it was the perfect group of people. But no. We now have to go down to 5 and fuck this up. So thanks RTP. Thanks a lot. Adam might go, he might now? i dont know. I dont care. Just give us a win please.

I'm trying to get the vote on Adam and I feel like even tho jay and Jordan agreed, just the way their talking to me making sure everything's alright with the plan and the fact Adam hasn't tried to PM me I feel like they're just lying

Ok so this is my immunity challenge confessional. We never win reward so i knew we were probably doomed and will never see the wishing well. but i didnt really care about reward. NOW FOR IMMUNITY. im alittle nervous because i feel like since we got rid of the non actives i'm the next in line. So i did my best for the immunity challenge. I mean i got 2 out of the 4 points we scored so i did half the work which in my opinion shows i care a bit. we were in the lead and then the other tribes whole fucking tribe comes out of nowhere and kicks our ass and im just like .....bye

Ok this is my before tribal council confessional. So after we lost ryan created an alliance with me,himself,jay, and jordan. which ok i dont trust jordan that much but i gotta take what i can get. They all want adam out even tho luke didnt do shit for the challenge. Which i like adam but not enough to try to switch the vote. So i prevoted adam but ryan and i feel like some shady shit may happen and one of us will go since people know were best friends. I'll raise hell if ryan goes and hopefully he'd do the same if i go. But i guess we'll see

Man this idol is gonna be so hard to find asdjkfadjsk wish their were hints to it AdamIt sucks that we lost the challenge. I didn't help much more than trying a few times in the beginning. I think I'll like it better when I can do individual challenges, cuz then I only have me to do the challenge so if I don't do it its just skin off my back. I have to make it there first, and that requires good relations with my tribemates, so I can't slack off anymore if I want to maintain that. I hope a swap comes soon, but not with the numbers stacked against Copa tribe members :/

I don't know what I'm going to do about tribal. I voted Luke but it really blows that we lost because I really liked all my teammates. I guess that's on me, maybe I shoulda done better and then we wouldn't be down a tribemate. Consequences and junk. I hope I'm not getting blindsided. I wouldn't put it past Jordan but it seems early in the game for that when we could be really good allies. Just depends if he trusts me I guess. I'm a loyal as fuck though, so I'm gonna make Jordan my main bitch this time. Only depends on if I'm his main bitch. Let's see if we go far together

Hahahahahahahahahahaha I found the idol. But its like one world style or w/e b/c I found the copa idol. And I had to give it to someone without knowing them and without them knowing i sent it. Thats unfortunate b/c I could bond with them but I guess if me and Luke are ever on the same tribe I can let him know and work with him. I was thinking Zach and Charlotte were really close but Charlotte didn't know about the idol map so maybe they aren't. But yaa I just asked my alliance to tell me who to give it to because I have no idea about any of those people having never played with them. Carson initially wanted me to give it to Jay O but then I decided to ask my whole alliance for input to try to make it seem like I'm close with them and want to stay together, which I did. And that's when they said lets give it to Luke. Also Anyone But Jordan Pines 2k17 which made me laugh

OKAY! I FORGOT TO DO ONE BUT ITS RIGHT AFTER TRIBAL SO HERE I AM! Adam is gone. Good. Me, Pines, Ryan, and Lexi are aligned. Meh, at best. If we lose, the original group of me Pines and Luke will split up their duo. Go us!

Did I do a confessional already? I have no idea. I'm in three games. Sue me. We won immunity this week so TBH I stopped paying attention after that happened. BUT HEY, APPARENTLY YOU CAN SEARCH FOR IDOLS AND I DIDN'T KNOW OOPS. Fuck, I'm the worst. How am I still here?