#i am fond of their friendship dynamic... is it obvious? 😭

[suddencolds]

of painkillers and lenience

...hello! 😭 I wrote this way back in April; it's been sitting in my drafts ever since. Chronologically, it takes place shortly following Atypical Occurrence.

I wasn't sure if I was ever going to post this. I suppose it's more a character study than a proper romantic installment :') but it's an exchange I'd been wanting to write for a long time.

you can find everything I've written in this universe here!

—

Summary: Yves comes down with something. His best friend wonders where Vincent is, in all of this.

—

Perhaps it’s merciful that it’s on a Sunday that Yves wakes up with the slightest tickle in his throat.

Yves has an idea what it means. He’s had the flu enough times in his life to know that it comes on quickly. Maybe if he attempts to sleep it off, he’ll have a better time over the next few days.

Or maybe not. He cancels his Sunday plans, goes through his itinerary. There’s a slew of emails he’ll have to send off, a handful of meetings he’ll probably have to reschedule for this coming work week. He’ll need groceries, too, to last him the week—ideally something that won’t take too much effort to make. Resting now seems like it’d be a waste of time. Best to get everything over with before the illness has a chance to properly settle, he thinks. 

He really does mean to stop by the grocery store. It’s perhaps just the timing that doesn’t work out as planned. Between figuring out how to reschedule everything that’s coming up with work—figuring out who he can ask if he needs to reallocate any of his assignments to anyone else, rearranging things for clients, and getting all the paperwork in order—all of it takes him nearly two hours. He wanders into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, finds himself having to turn aside to cough, notes the unpleasant sting in his throat when he turns back around. 

It’s not terrible yet, but he feels distinctly off. His head feels a little heavy, and everything he does feels strangely—sluggish, maybe. Like he can’t quite manage to be as efficient as usual. Judging by past experience, he’s probably going to crash in a few hours.

He can already feel a headache brewing. Staring at his computer screen probably hasn’t helped with that. If he takes something for it, it’ll probably be at least tolerable when it gets worse.

He opens the medicine cabinet, rifles through the couple bottles and the first aid kit he has stashed in there.

Right. He’s out of Advil.

It’s no matter. Just a quick grocery trip, then—he can grab the rest of his groceries while he’s at it. Yves shuts the bathroom cabinet, grabs his wallet and keys, and makes it all the way to the doorstep outside when the wave of dizziness hits him.

All of a sudden, he feels a little lightheaded. Heat crawls up under his skin, prickling and unpleasant, as if something in him has cranked up the heat generation to the max—but that can’t be right, because he’s shivering inexplicably in the wake of it. He leans his weight back against the wall, squeezes his eyes shut.

Fuck. He probably should have gotten groceries first, before sorting out everything for work. Perhaps going out on his own now would not be the wisest.

He heads back in, locks the door, and—after some thought—calls Mikhail.

Mikhail picks up on the second ring. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Are you busy?” Yves starts, but the words catch on his throat, and he has to stop immediately to muffle a cough into his elbow. 

There’s a moment of silence on the other end. “It depends what you’re about to ask me for,” Mikhail says.

Yves swallows. Shuts his eyes. He doesn’t like asking for help, but he doesn’t think he’ll be in any state to be doing this on his own over the next few days. “It’s not that urgent. Just if you have time,” he says. 

He can almost feel Mikhail rolling his eyes on the other end. “You’d say that even if you were bleeding out.”

Yves laughs, startled. “I promise I’m not bleeding out. Just—do you think you could run to the store and get me some Advil?”

There’s another, longer pause on the other end. “Any time is fine,” Yves says. A part of him already regrets this. “If you’re busy right now—”

“I’ll be over in a few,” Mikhail says. Then the line goes dead.

—

He doesn’t remember drifting off, but when he wakes, it’s to a knock on the front door.

The knock is just for courtesy, of course. Mikhail is one of a few people whom he’s permitted the privilege—or the burden, perhaps—of having a spare copy of his apartment key.

Yves opens the door anyways.

There, in the windy April weather, Mikhail shuts an umbrella and leaves it dripping at his feet. “You look even worse than you sounded over call,” is the first thing he says.

Yves blinks at him, surprised. “Did I really sound that bad?”

In lieu of answering, Mikhail just looks at him, scrutinizing, the corner of his lip ticking downward. “What is it? An injury? A migraine?” When Yves shakes his head, Mikhail presses forward to pick a stray lint ball off of Yves’s shirt. His hand makes contact with Yves’s shoulder, and he frowns.

Before Yves has a chance to explain, he feels a tickle—not the first, today, and certainly not the last—surface. It’s irritatingly difficult to ignore, more irritating still when he finds himself forced to turn away, to duck into one arm—

“hHehh-!’ hEHh’yyiISCHh-HHEEW!”

The sneeze is rough enough to scrape against his throat. He coughs tightly into his raised arm.

“A cold,” Mikhail says, with a frown. “But usually you don’t take Advil for colds. Wait—don’t tell me this is something worse?”

Yves winces. What is he supposed to say to that? “The Advil was all I needed,” he says. “Thanks for making the trip. I owe you one.”

“No, I’m sure of it now,” Mikhail says. “If it were only a cold, you would’ve driven out to get this yourself.”

“It probably isn’t,” Yves says, neglecting to mention that he knows exactly where he caught this. “Thanks for bringing these. I’ll take the next couple days off. I—”

The next sneeze sneaks up on him. He ducks into his sleeve again, taking another step back.

“hHhEH’iiDzzsCHH-yYew!” The sneeze sends a burst of pain through his temples, and for a moment, he’s glad his face is too deeply buried into his sleeve for Mikhail to see.

“Does Vincent know?” Mikhail asks.

The question catches him off guard. “What?”

“That you’re apparently unwell enough to ask me to pick up Advil for you.”

Yves doesn’t like where this conversation is going. “I told you not to come if you were busy.”

“It’s not a problem,” Mikhail says. “But if you’re sick, shouldn’t he be over here, taking care of you?”

 “He’s had a really busy few weeks,” Yves says, which is true, but simultaneously might be true at any point during the year. He clears his throat. “I - coughcough - wouldn’t want him to catch this.”

“So he doesn’t even know,” Mikhail says.

…Perhaps Yves should’ve thought of a more convincing excuse. Mikhail isn’t the type of person to drop an issue after he’s raised it, and Yves had, perhaps, neglected to think about how—for all Mikhail does to appear casually disaffected—he’s one of the most perceptive people Yves has ever met. “He doesn’t have to know.”

“What are you talking about? He’s your partner. I’ll text him,” Mikhail says. It’s then when Yves recalls that Mikhail probably does have Vincent’s contact—exchanged before their trip to France, so that he could text them all to coordinate the rides to and from the airport.

“Wait,” Yves says, unable to keep the panic out of his voice. “Don’t. If you text him, he’ll - snf-! - feel obligated to come.”

Mikhail doesn’t lower his phone. “I’ll just ask him to drop by,” he says. “You can talk to him about it when he gets there.”

But that won’t happen—can’t happen—because Yves knows that if Vincent were to see him like this… 

I’d feel terrible if you caught this, he’d said. He’d sounded so upset over it. How can Yves, after all his reassurances last week, admit to him now that he’s faring badly enough to need someone to look after him? 

Besides, Vincent probably has enough on his plate already. Yves knows enough to know that in their line of work, taking time off almost always means being swamped with assignments upon return. 

“Please don’t ask him anything,” Yves says.

Mikhail looks long and hard at him. He looks as though he’s trying to puzzle something out. “Did you guys get into a fight, or something?”

“No,” Yves says. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Then, if you’re on good terms, why are you so resistant to the idea of him coming over?”

Yves squeezes his eyes shut, and then opens them. He can think of a dozen more excuses to field away the questions—that isn’t the hard part. Mikhail has always been good at seeing through his bullshit, but if Yves has to steer this conversation to a close through sheer willpower, he thinks he can do it. But then again—

Maybe it’s fine, he thinks, if Mikhail knows. For better or for worse, Mikhail is his best friend. Yves knows that if he asks him to keep his mouth shut about this, he will. 

“Vincent is my coworker,” he says, slowly.

Mikhail’s eyebrows creep up. “Yes, I’m aware.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Yves says, with a cough. “He is just my coworker. Nothing else.”

The alarm that flashes across Mikhail’s face is unmissable. “You two broke up?”

And there it is—another crossroads, where Yves thinks the easiest course of action would be to reshape the current lie into a simpler one, to keep the trappings of their fake relationship intact. With anyone else, it would be easier, that is.

Yves says, honestly, “We were never together in the first place.”

“But you went with him to France,” Mikhail says, confused. “Not to mention, to Margot’s new year party, and then to Joel and Cherie’s housewarming. Are you telling me—”

“That was all an act,” Yves tells him, and waits for this information to register. “There is nothing between us that’s real. That’s the reason I haven’t called him.”

The recognition settles on Mikhail’s face. Then he laughs, a little disbelieving. “You’re really not dating him? Why would you lie about that?”

“Do you remember Margot’s party?” Yves asks. It seems like the right place to start, after everything. “Erika was there with Brendon. And I was bitter, and—to be honest, jealous—and I wanted to show her I was fine. So I asked Vincent to go with me.”

“That was months ago,” Mikhail says.

“It was easier to just keep up the act, after that.” Yves says. “Easier to have him accompany me once a month than it would have been to stage a proper breakup. But obviously, this is all temporary. I just haven’t figured out when it’s going to end.”

Mikhail is quiet for a moment. Yves looks past him, at the staircase that leads down to the first floor.

“You’ll be fine, then,” he asks. “If you two break it off.”

“Of course,” Yves says. “I know it’s going to happen someday.”

“You won’t be upset at all?”

“What is there to be upset over?”

“From the way you spoke to him, I really thought there was something there,” Mikhail says.

“He is a good liar,” Yves says.

“Maybe so,” Mikhail agrees. “But you are not.”

He says it so calmly, it barely registers as an accusation. But Yves hears it, loud and clear.

“Vincent is attractive,” Yves says. “Anyone with eyes can see that. That’s all there is to it.” it feels wrong, even as he says it. Yves has always known Vincent to be attractive—that much hasn’t changed. But he knows that the feeling in his chest when he sees him at work, in the break room, or at lunch—the unusual ache—is a little more than that. 

“Margot’s party was at the end of December,” Mikhail says. “It’s April, now. Margot wouldn’t tell you this, but since I don’t like withholding my feelings from you, I will.”

Yves waits—waits for Mikhail to tell him how all of this has been unduly dishonest, how Mikhail doesn’t appreciate having been lied to.

But Mikhail doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he says: “If you’re still intent on keeping this fake relationship up…” Here, he meets Yves’s eyes, a little sternly. “You should think about who you’re really doing it for.”

It’s only for convenience, Yves wants to say. Now that we’ve set things up already, it’s merely the path of least resistance. But that isn’t quite right, is it?

“Don’t worry about me,” Yves says, trying a smile. “Vincent and I have talked this through already. Whatever happens with our arrangement, I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Mikhail says. He pockets his phone, and then hands Yves the bottle of Advil. “Sorry for the interrogation, then. If you believe it to be fine, I trust you.” Perhaps that’s the worst part of it. Mikhail has never been the type of person to stay quiet about any foreseeable problems, but Yves knows that his agreement now is not a tactical retreat, nor is it an acknowledgment that it’s not worth arguing over something they won’t agree on. Mikhail is dropping the subject because he really trusts him.

Yves just doesn’t know if that trust is justified.

Mikhail turns on his heels, steps delicately past the hinge at the bottom of the doorframe. 

Yves clears his throat. “Thanks for stopping by.”

Mikhail nods. “Feel better soon. If you need anything other than Advil, just give me a call.”

Then he’s gone. Yves shuts the front door behind him and wonders just what exactly he’s gotten himself into.

[minsungchronology]

My Personal Opinions on Minsung's Dynamic (2018)

Disclaimer: I am not trying to pass off my opinions as facts. This is my personal interpretation of what is laid out right in front of us. I could be completely off base because I don’t know these guys personally, so take this with a grain of salt and feel free to disagree!

Lee Know is very interesting to me.

That’s literally the first thought I had when compiling all of these moments together.

Members and fans equally describe him as the “Tsundere” of the group (even though he’s a multifaceted person with a very caring side towards his closest ones). We see throughout the years he has a dry/deadpan sense of humor, is sarcastic at times, has a more introverted personality, etc. etc.

When I was a newer fan, I quickly assumed that out of him and Han, he was the one that was more inclined to “keep it together” on camera, thus making it super difficult to read him.

That is definitely not the case for me when making this video…cause holy sh*t??? There are times where the guy is shockingly transparent. (the fansigns and the early vlives, especially)

While putting together clips for this year, I found a clip of him (in a later year) where the other members describe him as someone who’s honest with his emotions, which…kind of tracks if you’ve watched him over the years. It's refreshing to see that in an idol.

I’m of the opinion that he developed a little crush on Han early-ish this year. 

I probably would have chalked down LK’s behavior towards Han as platonic fondness like he has for I.N (he really dotes on the youngest like a baby brother during this year. I felt like these two were also pretty close since you see them together frequently, but their friendship isn’t talked about too much. Jeongho is actually so underrated 😭.), if it wasn’t for Changbin’s subtle yet unsubtle remarks towards those two. Changbin is someone who knows them personally, lives with them, and is with them almost 24/7. He knows them better than any of us ever will. So it’s quite telling to me when that is coming from someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS THEM, which really puts things into perspective. 

He literally acts like someone who teases their friend for having a crush.

You have moments where Changbin points and laughs at Lee Know for staring at Han ~that way~ during the dance segment in the KBS World Idol show, then there’s him giving LK the 😏 look when he gets smiley from Han who was doing…almost nothing…during a Vlive they have before a fansign, AND THEN the 3.NO.RA.CHA car Vlive where he’s like “Lee Know why are you so happy? Why are you so happy?” after LK and Han do something that catches Chan off guard (I’m pretty sure they did the one plus one is cute thing that they end up doing during the two kids room episode). Which goes onto another point…THAT episode:

I find it interesting how LK was the one who requested Han to do the aegyo class with him because…like,,,, what?? 🧍‍♀️

For some reason I thought Han was the one who suggested it.

Then comes the part where LK mentions feelings and Han looks into the camera like he’s in the office and LK just nervously giggles and says “I don’t know” after realizing the implications of what he just said. This is also interesting to me b/c normally someone would react like “Oh no!! Don’t misunderstand!” to diffuse any awkwardness. 

And the fansigns, they are so flipping cute in those. 😭 There’s so much content out there so I was stressing out about how much to include and/or exclude. From these alone, you can tell LK adores the hell out of Han. It’s so painfully obvious to watch. It really puts the “LK can’t live without Han” saying by Seungmin into perspective. 

Han, on the other hand, like I said in a previous post, is harder to read. I honestly don’t think he liked LK “like that” at this point, unless he’s incredibly good at hiding it and didn’t want to acknowledge those types of feelings at all for obvious reasons. If you compare him in 2018 to 2023, it's worlds apart. (lmfao the concerts this year are something else; I seriously can’t wait to get to 2023 b/c whatever happened in Australia Sydney day 1 is VERY INTERESTING, like the fancams from that concert are incredibly eye opening for reasons I don’t want to explain right now 😬😬).  LK has remained fairly consistent imo. I think you’ll start to see some reciprocation from Han in later years.

But they are consistently close this year. They bicker and play-fight like close friends do, they comfortably joke around with each other, and they’re always finding some way to interact with the other. The two of them always seem to be on board with eo's ~weird~ antics too. (Much like you see in subsequent years and this year; they haven’t changed at all in that aspect). They’re the definition of soulmates. 

Seeing their evolution as idols from the beginning is very interesting too when you get to go back and watch almost every single content out there. Like plenty has changed within a 5-6 year span, but a lot of things have also remained the same.

Lee know was noticeably more camera shy back then. Han seemed more outgoing and out there compared to him (the guy is a ball of energy) while LK was quieter and more in the background. You can also see snippets of his characteristic sense of humor and “4d” personality, although, again, he was more camera shy so he didn’t show it as much. 

2019 is still a work in progress, but I think Han's behavior much later that year and in 2020 is an interesting change from what we see in 2018.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

i finished sputnik sweetheart!! :3

okay so . well. i don’t know where to begin with this one 😭😭 it was a really lovely read!!!!!

before i say anything else:

murakami is a freak . we know this. i feel like it’s always obvious when you’re reading a murakami book because not only will you recognize the prose, you’ll recognize the Freak beneath it all . people often talk about how murakami can’t write women and i don’t think that’s true, i just think it’s very obvious that a Man wrote them …. i really loved sumire’s character and her relationship with miu, but i still felt that way. i think the narrator’s attraction towards sumire actually adds a lot to the book since it explores sexual desire, love, friendship and the lines between them, but in the beginning it really did feel like some weird … heterosexual fantasy. by the end of the book i had grown really fond of their dynamic but it started out very ’why is this guy even here’……

and in line with that!!! the theme of the book being desire sort of excuses most of the eroticism (/ gives it a purpose) but as i was reading there were still so many times where i was like pleaaaase murakami can you go two seconds without getting horny…….. please……….. like it makes sense but also . i don’t need to know about his boner . i didn’t need to know. in general i think murakami’s freakism shows a lot in how he just can’t stop thinking about sex . or conflating romance and sex. there’s a lot more to this book than just that and i actually really loved the exploration of unorthodox loves / relationships but it does have to be said . murakami is very freudian!!!!

all in all though this book really wasn’t that weird or explicit….. but maybe that’s because my standard of his freakism is kafka on the shore . anyway. those are just some disclaimers for anyone who might read this — murakami is a freak !!! a weirdo!!!!!!! i think his writing is more progressive here since at the very least the center of the narrative is two women, one of which is a lesbian (and her identity is handled with relative grace), but you can definitely sense the heterosexualism beneath it all lmao

anyway anyway ONTO THE POSITIVES because i really did love this book …… murakami’s writing is really lovely!!!!!! as always. there were a lot of lines i really adored and his prose is just very pretty……. also very gritty. it has a lot of bite to it. and his books always have a specific vibe to them... i love it a lot. ALSO SUMIRE AND MIU….. i already mentioned them but their dynamic was such a highlight for me !!!!!! sumire is so charming and miu is too ……. in really different ways. anyway i too am a lover of older women so miu just swooping in and giving sumire a job ……. all mysterious and successful……. i was foaming at the mouth . me next please . their relationship was handled well in general, and it was definitely the most interesting part of the book aside from the usual magic realism….. miu wanting to love sumire back but not being able to after losing the other half of her self…… the scene with them in bed together…… it felt very tender somehow .

i really loved these lines:

miu reached around sumire’s shoulders and pulled her closer. she’s still a child, miu thought. lonely and frightened, she wants someone’s warmth. like that kitten clinging to a pine branch.

like . the mother issues are mothering when it comes to these two (miu being almost maternal in the scene above, sumire falling for an older woman because she (presumably) longs for her dead mother?) and i guess that’s just murakami being murakami but i am sadly . into it . their dynamic feels so multifaceted. one thing murakami does a lot that i will always love is that he blurs the line between different loves …… what the characters in sputnik sweetheart feel for each other can’t be summed up in just a couple words . i said the theme was desire but Really the theme is love — the narrator’s love for sumire, her love for him, her love for miu, miu’s love for her … i really enjoyed that web between them all.

another central theme is loneliness and that appealed a lot to me too . how all the characters are isolated and alienated and feel different from others…………. and of course the way that connects to the gap between reality and dreams that murakami (and i) love so much . i just adore it !!!!!!! miu’s backstory, sumire’s disappearance, the narrator almost falling into the same dream world as sumire when he walks up that hill ….. the idea that we flee into the world of dreams to escape our loneliness. on the other side sumire can see her mother, she can find the other half of miu, she doesn’t have to face reality. i think the only reason she makes it out at all is because she can’t see the narrator there. i just love that aspect of it … magic realism my most beloved . murakami always does it very well which is why i can’t stay away from his books . i fear ……

anyway i can’t really wrap up all my thoughts in a satisfying way ….. there’s a lot i could talk about!!!!! this book has parts here and there that are very murakami in a bad way, but overall i thought it was such a lovely work :’) the writing, the concept, sumire and miu …………… yeah . kafka on the shore is still my favorite of murakami’s works, but sputnik sweetheart was very up my alley too <3 i had a lot of fun with it!!!!

some of my favorite quotes:

this beach was a little too quiet for a person to visit alone, a little too beautiful. it made me imagine a certain way of dying.

the answer is dreams. dreaming on and on. entering the world of dreams, and never coming out. living in dreams for the rest of time.

blood must be shed. i’ll sharpen my knife, ready to slit a dog’s throat somewhere.

face turned down, without a word, that something makes its exit. the door opens; the door shuts. the light goes out. this is the last day for the person i am right now. the very last twilight.

why do people have to be this lonely? what’s the point of it all? millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. why? was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?

”you’re a part of me; i’m a part of you. you know, somewhere — i’m not at all sure where — i think i cut something’s throat.”

[randoimago]

may i ask for xenosaga for the ask game?

🥺 (sorry I am v happy that I have an actual excuse to talk about this game series)

Ask Game Here

3 male characters I love: Albedo (he needs a hug), chaos (he's so shady but I love him), Jin (permanent party member that I love with all my heart)

3 female characters I love: KOS-MOS (queen), Miyuki (god I fucking love her), MOMO (she's my child and I wish her all the therapy)

3 romantic ships I love: Ziggy/Juli Mizrahi (give MOMO the mom and dad she deserves), Jr./Sakura (Xenosaga 2 had me feeling so many things), Miyuki/Togashi (I just want her happiness)

3 platonic dynamics I love:

KOS-MOS/Shion (I know some people ship them in a relationship, but I very much love the friendship dynamic they have)

chaos/Jr. (Xenosaga 2 made me feel things)

Ziggy/MOMO (dad that lost his son with girl that lost her dad? I love it)

3 favorite moments in canon:

KOS-MOS awakening in Episode 1 (video game) was so freaking cool ngl, I still love it so much (any scene with KOS-MOS is top tier ngl)

Virgil and Feb during the saddest moment in Xenosaga 3 was so amazingly heartbreaking

Albedo digging graves in the 2nd game was so heartwrenching (all he wants is to be able to die with his brothers but he can't 😭)

3 favorite headcanons:

I love to imagine Shion and Jin just fighting in the kitchen because Shion wants to make her special curry and Jin is apalled because it's not spicy enough. I want more sibling dynamics.

MOMO and Jr. sitting together and MOMO asking to hear stories about her sister from his perspective. The feelings Jr. had for her so obvious as he talks about Sakura.

Albedo and Rubedo (Jr.) getting in countless tiny arguments about dumb boy things and Nigredo (Gaignun) having to step in and be a mom telling her kids to get along.

3 least favorite things about it:

The fact that it's only on Playstation 2 and didn't even get an upgrade for PS3 back in the day.

Not really about Xenosaga specifically, but the amount of times I've seen "Oh yeah, KOS-MOS from Xenoblade, right?" and it's made me want to sigh - not to mention her name is pronounced wrong in that game (one day I'll go back to the Xenoblade games).

While I do have such fond memories of the games when I was little (first game that introduced me to my love of JRPG's), it really is Cutscenes the game. I know Xenosaga 3 made some of the cutscenes feel more like you're playing, but I would have loved more gameplay inbetween instead of 30 minutes of gameplay then 3 hours of cutscenes (I might be over-exaggerating a bit). The story is really good though.