#i am floating but I'm in a big big big pond and it is deep

[hurglewurm]

it's becoming really hard to draw again and I'm scared to go outside alone :))) perfectionist manifestation of the lack of control i feel in my life combined with my usual coping method of avoiding everything forever

[weepingmushroom]

I have this dream world which I escape to in the deep night, one step, two steps, a big forest.

At the start everything is small, bunnies the size of my palm, birds the size of my eye, deers barely to my knees. There I am greeted by a god, a deer with hight of the tallest trees and hornes covered with vines and moss, older than my mind yet still it's creation. He takes me to a pond, it glitters in the daylight, standing alone in the heart of the forest surrounded by soaring trees and gigantic mushrooms, flowers on which you can rest easily, but it's never time to rest. I take one step, two steps and and bathe in the pond, I submerge my head under the cold water and come out without a body. White, translucent, floating, half women half air.

The place is different, more ancient, the trees whisper a nostalgic melody, but I'm sure I've never heard it before. Close lies a temple, fire still aflame, but for what, for who? It is all intriguing, yet I still go to the same place every time, a small door in the middle of a meadow, hidden in the tall grass. I climb down the shaky ladder overgrown with moss to a small room filled with old stuff, I'm never sure what they are for they change their shape everytime I visit the place. Only thing that stays the same undoubtedly is this rusty old mirror, there I have met you for now, about thousand times, in thousand different lives you and I have stayed the same. We meet as outlines of our souls, always matching, always in the shame shade(colour) of deep nothingness. We do not speak, we're too afraid of what we would say, it is our curse. Even though I've met you a thousand times and will a thousand more, your name I will never know.

[mcshiiin]

Title: Not My Energy

Pairings: KageHina

Sypnosis: A short, sad songfic about the two where Hinata lost his ability to fly

Song used: Not my Energy by IV of Spades

[A/n: Thank you for reading! I hope u enjoy huhu]

"I've ran out of reasons, reasons to comfort my mind."

Harbingers of daybreak busted his windows open. With gleaming dark eyes and sleek black talons, a crow stared straight to his soul. A sudden prickling sensation running from his toes began clobbering his body, rendering him paralyzed. Panting... Gasping... Drowning his mind in a sea of sorrow.

"Illusions, delusions. Confusions are running inside."

Hinata, despite sinking down the shallow waters feels as if he's floating mid-ar, going "boing boing". Slowly plummeting down the sea floor, he never hit the bottom. Instead, he landed rather harshly on the plywood surface of the gym. A familiar stinging pain on his palm smiled at him viciously. Taken aback, he grabbed his thumping, hollow chest and inhaled as much air as he could. An unforgiving force clashed against his torso, almost obliteraring him before the ceiling collapsed.

"Pale lips and dark lies has conquered the dreamer's eyes."

Poring dreamily at the honey glazed tree tops with hooded eyes, a sigh escaped from his drought ridden lips. While licking away the parchness on his lips, a worried yet kind gaze cut through him from the opened door.

"Sho-kun, you're going to be alright. Don't worry sweetie, we're here for you."

"Nii-chan! Hang in there. I love you!"

The warmth from his sister's hug dissipated into thin air. The soft caress from his Mom ghosted above his puffed out cheeks. Forcing his lips to curl upwards, he fooled them. Just as how their words of affirmation and consolidation were mere lies to comfort him.

" 'Cause there is something in those eyes I can never find, boy."

"Hinata boke..."

Shoyo swore Kageyama's voice were softer than ever. Terrified to face him, the bed ridden boy looked away. His bones shaking. His muscles tensed up.

"I don't want to dive in those same steel blue orbs..."

He kept his mouth silent. He kept his resolve solid. Then it crumbled down.

A feverish touch was ignited from Kageyama's fingertips grazing atop Hinata's trembling hand. The setter is careful enough not to break him, delicately and softly, he slid his hand and interwined it with his partner's. Shoyo's ribcage shattered, his throbbing heart and strained heartstrings tore it down.

His orbs stung with pain as he stared back at steel blue ones.

"I'm sick and tired of the noices, the voices. Everything seems magical."

"We're here for you, Hinata."

"Call us anytime!"

"I'm sure everything will be figured out by the adults. Cheer up, Hinata!"

"Let's buy popsicles when you're discharged, ne Shoyo?"

"Here's some food for you, eat up. You're getting thinner. Ne? I'm the best senpai aren't I?"

"gET WELL SOON AND WE'LL PRAY FOR YOU!"

"Don't worry too much. Idiots don't get sick, tch."

"Tsukki's right, you'll be okay, Hinata."

"I--no we, are here for you. Don't worry about catching up to class, I can teach you anytime!"

"Get some rest and take care please."

"I won't bother you with my words, Hinata-kun. You'll be okay, I'll pray for it."

"Rest up well, kid."

Everything and everyone seemed to pass by in a blur. Their faces muddled together like a murky pond. Indis​cern​ible. Chafing. Quaint. As if it never happened, as if he never heard anything.

"I'm sorry but there's nothing that we can do..."

"D-doctor no-!"

What? He heard nothing. His mother's face didn't crumple to despair. Her hands didn't ball into a fist. Her lips did not quiver. She never looked at him with those eyes.

No. Natsu is a sweet and clingy sister, her hugging him to death is nothing. She always said that his hands are rough, calloused, and big. They're also warm, and emollient. Maybe that's why she's holding it tight. Oh? Natsu is drooling. He chuckled, overseeing the shuddering figure of his dear sister.

 

Such an ethereal dream it is.

"And yes, my mind is awakened, dead conscience. Eveyday's a torture for me."

Panting heavily whilst swimming in a sea if sweat, Shoyo is wide awake. But, awake from what? Running away from what, his reality or his nightmares? Scampering to and fro, for what? Just to slam his head on a rock, trying to shake his dreams up.

He doesn't know what's hounding hin anymore.

He run a hand through his thick tuft of hair, unable to get back to sleep. A frown creeping up on his lips as he tries to pry his gaze to his legs. His world stilled. His breathing stopped. His mind blown to smithereens.

It hurts. The seering pain from mid-thigh down to his calf. It hurts, so he screamed.

"No I am not holding on to the darkness, 'cause you're already in my mind."

Natsu must be lying, his hands isn't big at all! She probably hasn't seen Kageyama's slender, setter hands. They look also pretty. Tobio's obviously taking good care of it, he bet that he goes as far as taking it to the nail salon. He's both dilligent and an idiot. He wants himself to be in a perfect condition so he can exert his best every game.

Shoyo wonders what lotion his setter is using. He want to buy one for himself too. How irksome it is to look at your partner's long fingers, perfectly groomed nails (it must be nice to have a manicure once), and mosturized, vanilla scented palms whilst yours is anything like that.

"Hmm spacing out?"

Tobio snaked his arms to his frail waist. Nudging his face deep into Shoyo's neck. So warm. So cool. So comfortable. Too real.

"Nah, I'm barely hanging."

"And if you would walk alone, then just do it. The clock is ticking backwards."

A tall, tall wall looms before him. The view from the top. He wants to see it. But he never can, unless alone.

And now, he's more alone than ever.

"Onigiri, pork buns, curry, what do you want honey?"

He's out in the cold again. Jumping higher, digging deeper, receiving with his face to no end. Wheezing as his body thrives, playing as his blood pulsiates. His heart more alive than before. His grin toothier than before. Hinata Shoyo loving too hard ever than before.

The pure joy from he gets from being with the team. The steam he emitts whenever Tsukishima pushes his buttons as Yamaguchi fell in line with laughing at him. The always fidgetty Yachi and Asahi-san. His superb senpais. That reminds him, he need to ask Nishinoya-senpai to teach him the rolling thunder double. The hardworking second years, the goddess Kiyoko-san, everyone. Even Daichi-san's roaring voice along with Suga-san's refreshing smile.

And of course, the skull-crusher milk boy who knows no word except Boke.

"I'm going alone."

"I ain't got it all, I don't care. You're not my energy."

Extending his arms, reaching with his hands, everyone is too far away.

Lying awake for hours, figuring how to run, how to fly.

Then, his bed decided to swallow him up.

A stringent touch engulfed his throat that produced an acrid cry from his mouth. The need for air is urgent, but his compressed windpipes aches with the mere presence of oxygen flowing through. For a second he thought the hold loosen, then his limbs. were vehemently ripped apart.

As blood splattered, his lower region were mangled.

"Your tears are in laughter while your smile is in despair."

Happiness looks good in Kageyama and Natsu. No doubt, hands down, bets raised.

Their carefree laughter bounced off the four walls of his room. Pearly white teeth are exposed as their lips ae stretched up to a smile. As far as their drinking game goes, Natsu is losing. Yes, they're drinking milk, much to Kageyama's delight.

Shoyo lost a long atime ago and the two milk heads are on it. The way their eyebrows knits together in concentration, noses scrunched up, and cheeks puffed out is a sight to see. You don't get to watch Kageyama with a child that doesn't cry within his mere presence, let alone play with him.

"I can't hold it in! I'm going to pee!"

The shorter ball of fluff ran outside as fast as her legs could carry her. Just a little bit more... three more steps... two... then one. She got in!

Natsu came back to her brother wiping his tears as he cackle like a rooster. He reminded her of the Kuroo Tetsurou that he once mentioned, bedhead, hyena laugh and all. When she glanced to her Kageyama-nii-chan, she was almost blinded. His higantic smiles were presented at her boldly. A soft glow from the dying sun illuminated his face. She can feel the love strongly eminating from these two.

Just as the puzzle is coming on together, someone had to filp the table and topple off the pieces.

Whimpers and hiccups. Rattling and rustles. Disintegrating and decaying. Shoyo-nii-chan is crying.

One end of his lips tugged upward. Blood-curling smirk emblazoned on his dainty face. And as she peek at the door opened ajar, tears came rolling down her rosy cheeks, staining the fabric of her shirt with pure sadness that a child can't comprehend. A younger sister shouldn't see her brother's soul being chipped off like that, you know.

"The poison of your tongue has killed all your truthful words."

His throat is a sand paper being stroked on a piece of wood that produces a nasty sound. It aches. It's painful to shout. It's straining. He too doesn't like sound coming off from his mouth. Disdainful words that tarnishes their bond, lacerating sentences that makes him bleed too.

"I don't need you!"

Yes I do.

"Go away!"

Please stay.

"I didn't like the food. It was awful."

They're my favorite, thank you.

"When I said I don't wan't to it, it means I don't! Don't force me!"

Maybe I'm a bit hungry?

"I AM OKAY. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP I CAN DO IT BY MY FUCKING SELF!"

I am a lost cause.

"Pale lips and dark eyes has broken the dreamer's lies."

He inaudibly shrieked one morning when he woke up. The world was wet with dew as it sleepily waved back at him. He tried to wave back, but the shock of living in monochrome froze him. Then he tumbled down with a thud.

For a moment he forgot what predicament he's in and tried to stand up only to out balance himself and landed face first down their wooden floor. Natsu, who was never asleep the entire night, came rushing by to her brother's room beside hers. Clearly shocked and bemused at her nii-chan's bleeding nose and busted lip, she stood frozen. A part of her wants to laugh but the other half actually feels bad. And good thing she did, because the next scene was horrifying.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"N-nii-chan..."

"SEND FUCKING HELP!"

A soul was broken.

"There is something in your mind you can never find, boy."

Searching. Wandering. Roaming around an unprecedented area.

What was he seeking?

He alwas have thought that it was the adrenaline. His heart beating so fast, so loud that he can hear it through his ears. An energy flowing deep within, tingling his senses, pricking under his skin. He enjoys the rush, the pain, the smile in his teammates' lips.

Yet when he stared at Kageyama, he realized it wasn't.

What kept him alive...

"Im sick and tired of the voices, the noises. Everything seems magical."

"Hinata boke..."

"Nii-chan."

"Sho-kun!"

"HINATA SHOYO!"

...was love.

"My eyes are hiding the pavements of my vacancy. You can't take the power from me."

Kageyama wish he could hold Shoyo tighter. Peacefully zoning out in his arms, a small drool pooling below his mouth, and beautiful long lashes. So angelic and breathtaking.

Yet he still fears poring directly in his partner's eyes for they scream,

"I'm going to eat you alive."

Placing a kiss atop his head, a sigh escaped his lips. Then, honey-flecked orbs dangerously stared at him. A tremble was awaken inside his body.

"I love you."

The both of then were taken aback by his sudden words. Hinata was left in awe, speechless while Kageyama quickly recovered his composure. He came into terms with his feelings finally just right now, it's now or never.

"I want you more than any perfect toss. It's you that I want to hit my balls. We're partners, aren't we? I want to be by your side, holding you, loving you. We'll drink hundred liters of milk, we'll eat as many pork buns as you want. I want to spend my life with you."

"Kageyama-kun..."

"I know it'a sudden but Hina--!"

"Loving means being alive. Being alive is being able to love,

But you see, living, is not my energy."

-FIN

[pennys-th0ughts]

The Bond (Chapter One)

… And life slowly left her body as a subtle and relieving shiver that brought peace and every trace of sadness, finally, faded away…

Three bright and shinning dots were dancing slowly on the palm of my hand; they looked pretty much like three tiny stars playing some kind of children’s game, taking turns to shine brighter in front of my eyes. The sky was darker than usual that night seeming to reflect the deepest echoes coming from the bottom of my being. Something was cracking inside of me and I couldn’t know what it was but the feeling was like thousands of sharp needles piercing my entire body. I was feeling powerless and, ironically, empty. That moment felt like it lasted years and I was watching the scene sequence in slow motion over and over again and once it finished, it repeated again, tearing my insides apart one more time. I grabbed my head with both hands and began plunging my nails in the middle of my scalp until blood started to flow drawing thick lines all over my face. I kept forcing open the wound until I heard skin and flesh being tearing apart and, strongly pulling from both sides, I finally managed to rip up the human shell that was keeping my true me hiding. This ends here and now – I thought to myself and jumped into the pitch black void waiting to be fed…

 A hand landed on my shoulder giving me a little start.

– ¿Are you alright? – Her tender voice made me snap out of it.

I looked down until I only saw her small feet in front of mine; she sat down next to me and searched for my wandering eyes. Her inviting gaze was so persistent that it finally made me look at her eyes; those beautiful mortal gateways full of life that somehow, in that very moment, became some kind of mystic meaning to my never-ending existence. I remained silent for some minutes until I could get a grip of myself and bring the strongest side of my multiple shapeshifting personality.

– Yes, everything is alright, my dear – I finally said in a sigh trying to fake a smile.

–  You seemed upset – she accurately pointed out-. ¿Are you sure you are okay?

I fixed my deep blue eyes with her unique blue-and-green ones and deeply breathing in, I said:

– I am now…

 Minutes became hours and hours became days. Days flew by like a magnificent hummingbird showing off its beautiful iridescent colors in a warm spring morning. The birds were chirping outside and the light rain was hitting against the window as if it was saying hello. Not so far there was a rainbow displaying a soft color palette, making a big effort to stand out from behind the clouds.

Amy was already up and I was still in bed trying my best to wake up from a long night of movies and popcorn. She knew those crunchy little things were my favorite so she made a bunch of it. We used to love spending rainy nights watching scary movies despite Amy would spend most of said time covering her eyes at any slight spooky scene, which I thought it was sweet and would take the chance to hug her tight.  

I was about to get up when Amy’s cat jumped on my lap, he spun around a couple times over my chest and began to purr. The story about this kitty and me didn’t have a good start since he apparently hated me from the very first second he saw me but I can’t really blame the poor creature, he was used to Amy’s presence only and I arrived to their lives like an unexpected summer storm. He wouldn’t stop hissing at me and behaving in a defensive way until, according to Amy’s instructions of ignoring him; he would finally give up being so cranky and accept he will be no longer the only alpha male in the house.

The smell of coffee just made ended up waking me up for good. I got dressed and went down stairs to join Amy for breakfast. We had a long day ahead and there was nothing better than to start it with a delicious strong flavor in the palate.

Things didn’t start as many would think and to get to this very point Amy would have to deal with her biggest fear first.

It all began one cloudy, cold and dark night when snowflakes stopped falling from the sky and the bright stars of winter started to shine harder, clearing the path to a new and more cheerful season.

Amara, as her actual name was, had decided to spend some hours skating in the public ice skating rink that afternoon. Soon that rink would become was usually was, a not so large pond where ducks would come back and swim again. People started to leave when the first shades of the night broke into the slowly dying sunset, leaving Amara all by herself. I suppose she didn’t mind to be alone since I saw her enjoying that moment of solitude. I was watching her from behind the pale white trees, poking my head out from time to time trying not to raise suspicions about my presence since I was also enjoying her delicate and neat performance on the ice. In one moment I got distracted she lost control of one of her feet and crashed against the floor so heavily that for a second I thought it would break under her weight. My heart skipped a bit and my pulse managed to accelerate its pace in a fraction of a second making me feel it in my throat. She remained on the cold floor for some minutes until she finally sat down and began rubbing the knee she had hit. I unconsciously stood up and made a step forward not realizing that she would probably freak out because of my aspect so quickly hid behind the tree and changed my appearance to a friendlier one.

– ¡Hey! – I walked towards her speeding my pace up - ¿Are you okay?

The surprised looked on her face revealed that I caught her without notice but she apparently didn’t mind and answered me back making her best to sound confident.

– ¡Hi, yes, I'm alright!

Once closer to her I knelt to take a look to her knee. She had suffered a quite strong hit in her knee cap and a not so deep scratch had left some thin lines of blood on sight. I offered myself to help her and get her sit in one of the nearest benches so we could take care of her little accident. She hesitated at first but she finally agreed. I took her arm and made her surround my neck with it so she could have more stability to walk and limp less.

– Pretty nasty fall you had there – I pointed out frowning at the slightly purple coloring her skin was starting to develop.

The girl chuckled a little embarrassed of being clumsy but it actually that fall wasn’t completely her fault since the ice floor was somewhat cracked in that part and that was what made her lose balance. I was so absorbed by taking care of her bruise that I barely stopped to pay attention to her physiognomy. When her knee was at last covered by a little bandage, I finally sat down next to her on the bench and sighed.

– That was very nice of you – I heard her shy and yet very sweet voice-. Thank you…

– Gray, Robert Gray – I hurried to introduce myself politely-. ¿And you are…?

She moved away a lock of her black her, placing it behind her ear and locked her different colored eyes with mine.

– I'm Amara, Amara Whitemoon – she shook my hand- but you can call me Amy.  

The beauty of her blue and green eyes was captivating and being my first time seeing such a unique genetic mischief kept me staring at her like a child watching a big bowl full of warm buttered popcorn.

– You are really pretty… - I unconsciously said at loud, and then I realized how bad that probably must have sounded-. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn’t-

Amara smiled with something more than sweetness in her lips that made me swallow with some difficulty but also got me distracted from the delicious smell of some drops of blood that managed to get through the bandage. Its sugary base with some metallic notes was threating me to make me drool and sometimes it wasn’t easy for me to notice it until it was too late but, fortunately, this wouldn’t be the case.

I helped Amara to stand up; she pulled up the hood of her coat and smiled at me once more. I was too focused on her lips that I barely heard what she was saying until the daydream bubble I was floating inside of burst.

– Thank you for being so kind and helping me, Robert – she said looking down-. ¿Would you like to join me for a coffee as a sign of gratitude?

I hesitated for a second if it would be a good idea but seeing so much excitement in her eyes was like a powerful kick to my will that made me accept her invitation. I put the rest of my belongings inside my bag pack and we started our way back to town.

It was ten o’clock and in on our way to the nearest cafe we got to talk about a few things regarding our civil status, studies, likes and dislikes and a very tricky one, our place of residence. I tried to avoid answering this last one at all cost since I was sure Amara wouldn’t like it one bit.

– ¡We are finally here! – She said with an enthusiastic tone and grabbing hold of my arm, she almost pushed me inside.

I let her pick the table and we sat down placing our things on an empty chair. We waited for the waitress to come and give us the menus. Amara told me to pick whatever I wanted but since it was the first time being out of the sewers for something that wasn’t my usual meal, I limited myself to have the simpler of the drinks possible, besides water of course. Amara, on the contrary, ordered a cappuccino, a couple of croissants and a half-size glass of orange juice.

– ¿Are you going to be okay with a simple coffee? – She asked curious but more confident than minutes before.

I shrugged my shoulders not knowing what to answer. Amara waved her hand to the waitress and asked her to bring me the same she would have, me, on the other hand, tried unsuccessfully to avoid her spending too much money in our not-at-all-planned-and-accidentally-improvised date.

Few minutes passed until we had what we ordered on our table. Amara was excited to a have sip of her hot drink and me, well, I didn’t know where to begin with so I followed her moves. First, she sweeten it, then she picked a croissant, took a bite and finally a sip to her cappuccino. I did the same and found out that the drink was beyond delicious. Like a child who finds a secret door to an undiscovered fantasy world, my hunger for this new delicacy went far from what I could ever imagined and made me want to eat it all in one go. Amara saw my intentions of devouring everything at the speed of light so she placed her hand over my forearm and invited me to enjoy it a little more.

– Take it easy big guy – she smiled amused-. We don’t you to choke with the croissants ¿don’t we?

I smiled back at her being me who felt somewhat embarrassed this time. I finished my food slowly, enjoying each sip and bite. I cleaned up my mouth of the crumbs with a paper napkin just to keep myself inside the circle of politeness and sat back to stretch my legs. Amara stood up and excused herself to use the women’s room; I nodded with a smile and hold her purse. I was fidgeting with a paper napkin when I saw her finally getting out and making her way back to the table when a couple of men blocked her path. I raised my blue eyes just to meet hers and her upset look quietly asking for help.

– ¿What is a beautiful weirdo doing so late in a café? – One of the men addressed her in the most petulant way he could-. ¿Looking for a date, sweetheart?

– Or maybe she is just looking for someone to put one of her eyes in the same color… - the other man answered his partner a question he never made.

I didn’t wait much longer to stand up and step in, placing myself at one of the scumbag’s back. The one who was facing me raised his eyes until he could reach my line of sight, doing a notorious effort to hold it. My right hand landed heavily on the other man’s shoulder, once he stopped talking, I began clenching my fist slowly but firmly.

– That’s not the way to talk to a lady – I bent forward until he could feel my breath tingling in his ear-. Apologize to her and we can leave this here and now and forget what just happened.

The man facing me froze on the spot and the other one turned around with violent intent until he saw I was more than three inches above his line of view. The man, now behind his partner, blinked several times as if he was trying to find a way out of the oppressing situation I had put them under until he finally lifted both hands as a sing of surrender, he quietly apologized and stepped away leaving his partner on his own.

– So, - I squeezed his shoulder a little harder this time-. ¿What do you say?

– ¡Alright, alright! – He cried-. I apologize to the lady…

– ¿For what…? – I squeezed even harder piercing his clothes with pointy nails.

– ¡For calling her weirdo!  

I loosen my grip and let him go, clearing his way so he could rush and meet his coward friend outside the cafeteria. Amara was standing next to me, half puzzled half amused, but the look in her eyes was speaking for her in a language only I was able to understand.

– You really didn’t have to do that, Robert-

– I know I didn’t have to – I interrupted her-. I needed to.

Amara smiled shyly trying so hard not to show me that her cheeks went red but that made her look even cuter. I invited her to grab her things and leave. Outside was cold and it had stopped snowing, the last night of the coldest seasons of the year was coming to its end. We were standing outside the cafe entrance and I saw Amara wasn’t wearing any kind of scarf so I took mine off and wrapped it around her thin neck. She grabbed one of its ends and put it under her nose, smelling it for a couple of seconds.

– If you are looking for perfume, you won’t find one… - I hurried to speak so she wouldn’t feel disappointed.

– Actually, I'm not, but I like how it smells.

– ¿And how does it smells like? – I asked intrigued by her sharp sense of smell.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as if she was filling her lungs with a scent I couldn’t figure out what it was yet and, breathing out slowly, she said:

– It smells like wet dirt…  

To be continued...