#i am feeling all kinds of weepy about this shit tonIGHT

[asspinkie]

tav and the party begin to lose contact with each other over time. suddenly, halsin is old, several generations of children all raised under his wing. he's passed on his responsibilities, made a commune of reithwin. he's losing his sight when he decides to send one last letter, even though the previous ones have been ignored by a grieving astarion and a relentlessly busy lae'zel. the last time they saw each other was over a century ago, at tav's funeral. wonderful, beautiful tav. who died too quickly, even with longer lifespan of one of faerun's seemingly immortal races. something about years of hard adventuring, and the grief of losing shadowheart, gale, karlach, and wyll. halsin, astarion, and lae'zel would be the ones left, the ones who could never connect with each other outside of tav. but halsin feels like his time is short, so he sends two final letters, two final ties to his past life. one to the ageless clothesmaker in the city who has faded from the memory of the people as a hero of baldur's gate. one to the young and fearless warrior who exists outside of time waging holy war. when astarion and lae'zel finally arrive, it's too late to see halsin alive again. he's laid to rest in the forest he grew up in. an oak sapling sprouts where he's buried, and astarion cries over the freshly turned earth, lae'zel holding him as best she can. halsin is given an honorary sarcophagus in the mausoleum that holds tav and the rest of their companions. there are two other stone coffins that will never be filled.

astarion fades into mundanity and routine. he hasn't seen lae'zel in centuries - he only knows she's still alive from the stories that have sprung up, across the realms, of her exploits. he doesn't dream, but he trances often of his time with halsin. with tav. he wishes he'd been less angry when they'd been alive. he wishes he could live without all the regret he has shored up. he visits tav's mausoleum often. with the same kind of flowers they once left on his grave.

one night, centuries after the defeat of the netherbrain, astarion finds an aged lae'zel in the cemetery. her right hand is pressed to the marble of the mausoleum with a quiet calm that astarion has never seen in her. in her left hand are flowers - tav's flowers. her once taut body is unstrung, the curve in her back decrying years of labor and life. topaz eyes flick up toward him with a cunning that he's never forgotten. it feels like ice in his unbeating heart.

"bury me here," she rasps, dropping the flowers, and turning to face him in earnest. "bury me amongst our friends, astarion."

as she collapses, astarion races forward with uncanny speed to catch her. he is the last person to hold her.

he is the last person.

at last, he is face to face with his worst nightmare. he thought he would be angry. he thought he would cry. but instead, an unnerving relief and resignation fill him. he holds lae'zel until the sun rises. they take their last moments together like those awful spirits at elfsong tavern so many years ago. quickly and bitterly. but amongst friends.

the young duke ravengard finds their remains and ensures that they are laid to rest alongside his ancestor. at last, the heroes of baldur's gate are reunited in death.

[mediocre-writerr]

better half of me [lexie grey]

lexie grey x fem reader

requested: hi there can I request a Lexie grey x fem reader imagine where reader is marks sister and moves from Houston where she was working previously and gets a job in Seattle so when she arrives she flirts and sleeps around with all the nurses, but then she meets Lexie and falls deeply in love with her and stops sleeping around and tries to pursue Lexie but one day sees her and mark in bed together so she starts sleeping around again, and when the plain crashes Lexie makes it out alive, because reader saved her and when they get back reader confesses to Lexie, and if it’s possible could u write a time skip where they have a bunch of kids and are happily married?

trigger warning: slight mention of alcohol addiction

*not my gif*

You don’t remember what happened on that plane. How you guys got in the middle of the woods with your plane split in half. Everything was blurry, but you saw mostly everyone: Meredith, Cristina, Arizona, your brother Mark, and Lexie? 

Wait...where’s Lexie? 

You immediately shot up, ignoring the pain that you felt in the right side of your body. You tried walking normally when you started to limp. 

“Woah, woah, Y/N!” Mark comes over and you finally look at your foot and hand.

Your hand was impaled by the pieces of the plane metal. It was numb. Your whole hand was numb, but you didn’t care about that. So was your foot, you couldn’t feel it. But you didn’t care, all you cared about was trying to find Lexie. 

“Y/N, we need to get that out of your hand. It’ll cause serious damage,” he tried to stop you from whatever you were doing.

“No, I can’t. I got to-I got to find,” you start to say, but trail off.

He sits you down on the mulch ground before you can protest, “This is going to hurt,” he whispers. 

He pulled the metal plane out before you could even realize what was happening. You let out a piercing scream, he immediately ripped a piece of fabric from his scrubs and wrapped it around your hand. 

Before you knew it he did the same thing with your foot, “You need to rest Y/N,” he told you, but you shook your head, pushing him away.

“No! Where’s, where’s-” you start to say again.

“Lexie!” Meredith scream and your head shot towards the sound of her name like a deer hearing the softest of footsteps.

You ran towards her to see her trapped over a piece of hunky plane metal. Her breathing was heavy as she couldn’t move. 

“Y/N, is that you?” she whispered.

You nodded, immediately lying down on the floor next to her, “Yeah, yeah. It’s me. I’m right here,” 

“I’m gonna die,” she whispered.

You shook your head quickly, “No, no! You are not dying. I am going to save you, do you understand?” 

You started to get up from the ground when she grabbed your hand, squeezing it ever so softly. You were met with those beautiful brown eyes that you completely fell in love with. Then all the memories from when you first moved to Seattle and meeting Lexie flooded back. 

“So I was thinking you and I go on a date tonight. Something casual, wine and pizza at my new place,” you asked, suggesting more to come out of the date. 

The nurse had her head propped up onto her chin, “I’d really like that, but what’s for dessert?” she whispered back.

You were about to answer when someone shoved a chart in the nurse’s face. You looked to see a dirty blonde haired woman. She gave you a fake smile, “Hey, Dr. Grey?” you looked at her coat, “Have you seen uh Dr. Sloan?” you asked a dirty blonde hair girl.

She looks at you, slightly annoyed, “Another one of Mark’s suitors?” she asked and you shook your head.

“That is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever heard, I’m Y/N Sloan, Mark’s sister,” you told her, “I heard a lot about you,” 

“That explains the flirting with the nurses, wait- Mark talks about me?” she asked and you nodded, “What does he say?” 

“Well that depends are you the ‘dirty mistress’ Grey or ‘little’ Grey?” you return the question and she just internally rolls her eyes.

“Of course he says I’m the dirty mistress,” she whispered.

You were about to respond when someone called Meredith’s name. You followed the sound of the voice to see a beautiful brunette girl approaching the two of you. Your eyes widened slightly at the beauty of this one girl.

Her brown doe eyes caught your attention and you smiled ever so slightly, “Cristina needs you to help her with a CT scan. It’s for a patient,” 

“Thank you Lexie,” she said, but before walking away she turns to you, “I’ll page Mark. Try not to flirt with any more nurses while you wait. We already had a case of syphilis, we don’t need another,” 

You let out a heart laugh, “It was nice to finally meet the dirty mistress,” you teased and you knew it was going to be the start of a beautiful friendship. 

“You know Mark?” the beautiful girl named Lexie asked.

You nodded, “Yeah, he’s my brother. I just moved here from Houston, got a call from Dr. Webber himself and was offered a job,” 

“That explains the comment,” she mumbled and you just raised your eyebrows, “Mark’s known to be a player around here and by the looks of it, it runs in the family,” 

“Well, you know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” you said with a shrug. 

She scoffed softly, “Is that my favorite Sloan?” you heard a familiar voice ask. You see Derek walking towards the two of you. You wrap your arms around them and pat his back in the process.

“I hope I’m your favorite Sloan,” you teased, “Where is my brother anyway?”

“I have no idea, but I heard you got a job here. You’re here to give me a run for my money huh?” 

 “Wait, your specialty is neuro?” Lexie asked.

“Yep and to answer your question Derek I am definitely going to give you a run for your money. Head of neuro will be mine,” you joked as he rolled his eyes.

“Did someone forget to tell me that my baby sister got a job at my hospital?” you heard his voice boom through the lobby. You rolled your eyes playfully as he hugged you.

“Why didn’t you tell me you got a job here or better question how many nurses numbers have you gotten?” he asked and the two of you laughed. 

You reached into your pocket, pulling out pieces of paper, “I taught you well!” 

Lexie who was still standing there scoffed as Derek just let out a sigh, “The two of you are insufferable,” she stated annoyed before walking away.

You looked at her as she walked away, “Is she single?”

“Nope, that’s off limits for the both of you. You’re not going to put her through that,” Derek stated and you let out a sigh.

You were snapped back into the harsh reality as Lexie tried her best to squeeze your hand, “Y/N, I still remember being on your service. You came to talk to me about our patient...” she was lost in thought before she started speaking again, “It was a Jane Doe after a tragic car crash and I was having a rough day because of my dad. Then you, you heard me snap at Meredith...” 

She started to trail off and you nodded, “I remember,” 

You were walking up to where Meredith and Lexie were talking. Meredith started to walk away as Lexie followed behind her. You posted at the nurse’s counter next to where they were standing to right down a quick note, when you heard them argue.

“My mother was born in March. He lied, he’s a liar. And I’m glad. Really, I’m glad that you found him charming. I’m sure he was delightful. He’s a blast after five drinks not so much after nine though, he gets a little weepy and mean,” you overheard her say. 

You were about to walk away and find her later when she yelled, “He’s a drunk, Meredith. He probably came in and told you how wonderful you are. How sad he is that he doesn’t get to spend more time with you. You know, yesterday he told me I was his favorite daughter. The day before I was an ungrateful bitch. The week before he wrote me a check for 20,000 dollars because he said I deserved everything life had to offer because he was so proud of me. A lifetime’s worth of proud. So you can’t listen to anything he says,” her voice started cracking and your face softened, “Because it’s not about you. It’s about a pint and a half of Dewar’s. So thank you for letting me know I needed to keep a better eye on him. Thanks.” 

She started to walk away and you stood in front of her trying to get her to calm down. You noticed the tears forming in her eyes, “No please don’t,” she pushed you away gently before walking away.

You immediately followed after her to the attendants break room. You looked the door behind you as she sat on the couch, placing her head in her hands. You walked over and sat right next to her, sitting there in silence.

There were a few moments of silence before you spoke up again, “I know what it’s like to have a drunk dad. You’re not alone. You don’t have to take this on all on your own,” you whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder, “If you want you can rest up in here. I can handle Jane Doe until you’re ready. If any of the attendants give you shit about being here, let them know I gave you permission. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m here,” 

Lexie squeezed your hand, bringing you back from the memory, yet again, “That was the first time I saw you as an actual person. Not someone who just wanted to mess around with people’s feelings, an actual person,” she smiled softly through the pain, “But I didn’t fall in love with you until the night at my dad’s house. You came to pick me up to take me to Meredith’s party and my dad was drunk and he was mean and he-” 

“I know, I remember,” 

You pulled up to Lexie’s house. You were supposed to meet up with one of the many nurse’s you’ve been hooking up with it. But you cut it off, you cut them all off. 

After you comforted her, all you could think about was her. How intelligent she was. How sweet and kind she tries to be with everyone around her. Yeah, she was beautiful, but she was so much more than that.

That’s the only time you’ve ever felt that towards anyone.

You knocked on the door, you waited patiently. One minute would pass and you decided to knock again. But no one answered.

You turned the door handle and surprisingly it opened. You looked around the room to see shattered glass all over the floor and Thatcher passed out on the couch.

Lexie was sitting on the kitchen floor. A deep cut on her forehead. Her eyes red and puffy as she swept the shattered glass with a small broom.

“Lexie! What happened?” she jumped at the sound of her voice.

She sniffled, “He-he got mean and he didn’t like that I was going out. He through his beer bottle at me, not just one either,”

You looked at the empty beer case next to the couch and you pulled her up from the floor. Immediately, pulling her out of that horrid house.

The car ride was silent as you felt your blood boil. You forgot all about Meredith’s party and went straight to your apartment. The two of you entered and you immediately grabbed your first aid kit.

Lexie sat on the kitchen counter as you stitched up her forehead. The two of you in a comfortable silence. Once you finished bandaging her, you helped her off the counter.

“Are you okay?” you whispered and she nodded with a tight lipped smile.

“I-I’m fine,” her voice cracked as tears poured out her eyes.

She let out loud sobs as she broke down onto the floor. You scooped her up in your arms to keep her from falling onto the floor.

You held her tight as she buried her face into your chest, “Shhh I got you. You’re safe now. You’re okay.”

That night she fell asleep in your arms. You picked her up and laid her gently onto your bed. You tucked her in, placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

“I promise I’m always going to protect you,”

You started to get up when she squeezed your hand, “Please just stay with me,”

From that night on, you decided to be better. To do better. To be someone she deserved.

But once you got there, it was too late.

You were going over to Mark’s house to surprise him with takeout, when you walked into something you didn’t ever want to walk in on.

Mark and Lexie were cuddled up on the couch. Their clothes on the floor as a blanket hanged loosely over it.

It was too late. You were too late.

“I thought you hated me for a while. Your whole demeanor changed around me,” Lexie said, her breathing still heavy.

You heard shouts from Meredith from behind you as Cristina kept on yelling for her shoe, “I could never hate you,”

You walked into the attendant’s break room to see Mark and Lexie being all couple-like, “Hey Y/N,”

You have them a tight lipped smile before going to pour your coffee, “You’re not supposed to be here,” you stated simply.

“What?” Lexie asked.

You didn’t look up from the coffee pot, “It’s the attendants’ break room. Residents aren’t allowed. You need to leave,”

“Y/N, seriously?” Mark asked.

“I don’t make the rules,” you whispered.

You could feel Lexie’s stare piercing at you, “It’s fine Mark, I’ll leave,”

“What’s going on with you, Y/N?” Mark asked.

“Nothing I’m fine,”

You don’t know what came over. You gave up on trying to be better. Do better. So there you were with a nurse sleeping on top of you and the only person you could think of was Lexie.

Then of course like it always does the worst happened. Lexie came bursting through the room, “I uh I’m sorry. But Hunt wants to meet with us, Mark, Derek, Meredith, Cristina, and Arizona,”

“I’ll be right there,” you threw on your clothes and walked right past her.

“What’s your problem with me?” she asked as you guys were walking to Hunt’s office.

“Nothing,”

“Obviously there’s something, you won’t even look at me,” she stated a hint of sadness in her voice.

“There’s nothing. We’re fine,”

“Just stop and talk to me!” she yelled.

“There’s nothing to talk about Lexie. You already have one Sloan in your life. You don’t need two. Remember the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” you snapped.

“Y/N, I’m dying,” she whispered and you shook your head. The adrenaline coursing through your body.

“No, you’re not dying today, okay?” you whispered.

You started to get up again when she grabbed her hand, “Please just stay with me. I have one more thing I want to say,”

“I always thought you were-you were a player. You didn’t want to settle down, you just wanted fun. But that didn’t stop me from loving you. If things were different, if we were different,” she whispered and your eyes started to tear up, “I never loved Mark the way I loved you. And he knew that, we both knew that.”

“Stop, okay? No goodbyes. You’re going to become and amazing neurosurgeon, Lexie. You have so much more to learn. A whole life ahead of you,” you told her, “You’ll settle down with kids and a husband or wife. Someone who makes you happy,”

It was her turn to shake her head, “I don’t get that. We will never get that together. I know you hate me, but Y/N, you’ll always be my favorite what if,”

That was all it took for you to get up. You don’t know what came over you, but you stood up and you tried lifting the stupid plane metal off of her. You let out a groan as you started pushing it off.

Hysterical strength is what they called it. When your adrenaline and your hormones and body chemistry kicks in during a dangerous situation. You pushed the plane right off of her.

Then started to immediately patching her up. Not too long later a rescue plane arrived. Lexie started falling in and out of consciousness.

You sat in the emergency room as your hand was getting checked out. They rushed Lexie back to the OR, you didn’t care if your hand lost all its function. All you cared about was her.

“I always knew,” Mark whispered to you as the two of you sat next to each other in the emergency room, “That she loves you and that you love her. I don’t know why I thought that I could get into the middle of it,”

He places his hand in your numb one, “She’s going to be okay,”

“The last thing she’s going to think about me is that I hated her. I never hated her,” I whispered.

You don’t know how long it was before the doctor came out, looking straight at me, “She’s okay and she’s asking for you.”

You shot out from your bed and rushed to her room. She sat there, her hair slightly messy as she gave you a small smile, “Hi,”

You immediately ran towards her, cupping her face as gently as possible, before pulling her closer. The two of your lips finally touching. It was magic. Sparks flying as the two of you kissed.

“I never hated you. I could never hate you. I’m sorry I was just so jealous and upset about you and-“ you started to ramble as you pulled away.

“I know,”

“I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you,” you whispered, “Please don’t ever leave me. You’re too special to be a what if,”

Fifteen years later

“So mommy used to have super strength?” your youngest daughter turned to Lexie and you chuckled softly.

Lexie nodded, “She still does. Whenever you’re in danger, mommy will help activate her super strength and help you,” Lexie bopped her nose as the two of you told her, her favorite bedtime story.

“She’s like the Hulk!” your son added and you laughed before ruffling his hair.

“You guys really set the bar for love stories didn’t you?” your teenage daughter asked, rolling her eyes playfully after hearing the semi true fairytale story for a thousandth time.

“Oh definitely. You can try to beat us, but you’ll fail,” you teased her and Lexie pushed you playfully.

You guys laugh, “Bedtime everyone!” Lexie announced.

“Goodnight,” the two of you said to your youngest daughter, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. Before hugging your son and daughter.

The two of you settled into bed as Lexie curled up into your arms. She placed her hand in yours, squeezing it ever so softly. The feeling of her hand in your once injured one was comforting.

“You’re my better half, did you know that?” you whispered, “You bring out the better half of me,”

“And you bring out mine,”

[daydreamsofh]

Dreamy

A/N: Ahhhh! Hi, hello :) Here is my piece for the Pick Your Poison Fic Challenge! This is the first thing I have ever written,(please be gentle hehe) and I cannot believe you’re about to read it! Thank you, I love you forever. So much love goes to my girls, my best friend @haute-romance-quotidienne (you know how I feel about you) & @harryinsweatersandbandanas​- Ash thank you for your constant support and shared love for yearning over H :) 

And lastly, I have so much love and adoration for the girls that put this whole thing together. @for-fucks-sake-h ​ @oh-honey-styles ​ @andwhenshesays​, thank you all for being so brilliant and allowing us all the chance to try new things and for just constantly being people to look up to and admire. I love you all forever and ever, and I am the luckiest to know you. 

Word Count: 7.3K

Yearning, yearning, pining. more yearning, yearning, and some more yearning. Sometimes our wildest daydreams do come true. 

***

Dreamy soft green eyes watched you from the other side of the room before he shifted his eyes back to the person he was talking to. Arguably this was the hardest part of your friendship with Harry, to see him with other people, other women and knowing that you’d never measure up. Or at least in your eyes, you wouldn’t. And truthfully it had nothing to do with the women he dated. They had all been kind to you and tried to be your friend once they realized how big of a role you played in Harry’s life. They were all lovely and nice and funny, and generally good to him. It never had anything to do with them, and everything to do with you.

Over the years of your friendship with him it had gotten harder and harder to act like you weren’t totally, completely, annoyingly, hopelessly in love with him. Especially on nights like tonight.

Gathered in his lofty, but cozy house with dozens of his closest family and friends for a listening party to celebrate the release of his brand new spanking album. He’s already had two listening parties specifically for his fans, but he wanted to have one for the people that make up his support system, that keep him going when the world feels too big and scary. Plus being the narcissist he so naturally is, the ego boost of his most loved ones listening to his album first and loving it first was an added plus.

He’d told you for months how special this album was to him, and you had singlehandedly witnessed the sheer joy he felt while making it. So when he invited you to the listening party, with those big green eyes slowly blinking at you, of course you said yes.

**

Walking into his home you were greeted by Anne, who was already teary eyed just from simply seeing all of the people gathered together that make up Harry’s life. She jumped up from her seat once she saw you and wrapped you up in a warm hug.

“‘There she is! Always so wonderful to see you love. I’m happy you’re here, he’s been asking for you.’” She squeezed your arm and sent you a wink before leaving you to go find Harry.

Right as she was, once you turned your back from her his eyes caught yours and he made a beeline for you. Weaving in and out of the crowds of people he reached for your hand before pulling you in and burying his face in your neck. The gesture made you sway, having to brace his shoulders so you wouldn’t fall over. When he finally pulled back he had the biggest smirk on his face as his hand reached to cradle your head and he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“‘Look who finally made it! Just in the nick of time like always. Hi Sweets.’”

Taking him in made you suddenly very glad you chose not to wear too high of heels tonight, because you almost fell over when you saw what he was wearing. Grey high waisted trousers, because why would anyone wear pants that actually sit on their hips correctly? A striped button top with the sleeves rolled up, and an over the top overly-grandpa sweater vest. His hair kept falling in his face and he had a content, soft, dreamy look on his face. Add the way he looked at you to the long list of reasons you loved him.

Looking up at him your stomach did a backflip before you breathed a small laugh and muttered, “Hi H, got quite the crowd tonight huh? It’s a shame more people don’t love you,”

“Oh yeah didn’t I tell you? I had to bribe everyone here with Gucci gift cards to get them to show up tonight,”

“Yeah I bet you did Gucci golden boy,”

That had him laughing deep in his chest before he playfully swatted at your arm, but just like always he was pulled in another direction as Jeff told him it was time to get the show on the road and get the listening party going.

“Gonna be okay on your own? Should I go grab you some tissues before we get started? Maybe some tea?” He said it with a shit eating grin on his face and a wink.

You narrowed your eyes at him before you replied, “You are a lot of things Styles but a comedian is not one of them! Get outta here before I change my mind and listen to it in the comfort of my own home,”

“Oh you wouldn’t dare, you wouldn’t make me miss out on that cute face reacting to my groundbreaking musical mastery would you?” He winked at you after his oh-so funny quip and you thought you were going to actually pass out and hit the floor from him calling your face cute. You knew your voice would give out and that your cheeks were burning so you just shook your head no and smiled so hard your face started to ache. With that he was finally gone to give his thanks to everyone for attending and for some more mingling before they would actually start the party.

After he walked away, you bumped into your mutual friend Sam, who actually introduced you to Harry at one of his shows years ago.

“Hey babe! I’m so glad you made it, I was afraid you would be too weepy to come today. No offense, but I know how he makes you. Especially with his music. Something about boys with guitars, right?”

After you smacked him in the chest for his hilarious reminder of just how much you pine for Harry and have for years, you muttered a very matter of a fact, “For your information it is not ‘something about boys with guitars’ it is about one boy with a guitar, and I think I have a pretty good handle on my weepy-ness today, so sod off.”

He gave you a knowingly smile and you shot one right back because he was absolutely right.

Everyone in your inner circle knew how you felt about Harry. Actually, anyone who was around the both of you for more than a few minutes picked up on it. From the way you bantered and poked fun at each other to the way you laughed at every one of his stupid jokes, to the way you longingly and very dramatically gazed at him pretty much all the time. And who could blame you?

He made everyone he spoke to feel like the most important person in the world. It was overwhelming how intently he listened and watched people. He was the most kind hearted, patient man. You’d lost count of how many times he talked you off the ledge, how many times he reassured you when you doubted yourself at work, or how many times he called to check on you after you swore up and down to him that you were okay. It was overwhelming how much he cared. It was overwhelming how much he radiated love and understanding. And most of all it was overwhelming how being in the same room as him even for just a second made you feel like you could breathe again. He was like coming up for fresh air, every single time.

And if anything made you feel more overwhelmed than just simply looking at him, watching him perform was a close second. He was ridiculously talented, a natural performer, and just so annoyingly amazing at what he does. No matter how many shows of his you went to you found yourself getting emotional watching him do what he was born to do, he exuded talent and the fact that you got to witness him in action was something you would never get over. He teased you about it each time he watched you from the pit or sides of the stage blubbering, but nonetheless he loved the fact that he could get such a reaction out of you. You also swore you saw his ears tinge pink each time you told him how great of a show he put on. You knew how hard it would be tonight to listen to his brand new songs in his house, IN FRONT of him and all of your closest friends and not cry the entire time. Damn him and his dreamy musical mastery ways.

You watched him hop onto his fireplace alongside Jeff to give one of his famous speeches. His eyes scanned the room and he gave everyone a slow, smirking grin. A slow, honeyed one that warmed you from the inside out and made your chest feel light and fluttery.

“I just want to thank you all so much for taking the time to come out and listen to my album, I love you all endlessly and this album is just as much for you as it is for me.” Harry's eyes found yours again and “You all know how I feel about you so I won’t bore you with a long speech, I love you and thank you for being here. Enjoy.”

And with that he was gone and you lost him in the crowd. After all of the headphones were passed out and everyone had their instructions on how to go about actually playing the album, you were sat in a loveseat near one of the many windows in his house, tucked away from the rest of the crowd.

Sam took the seat next to you and gave you a reassuring smile before he said, “If it gets too much you can get up and leave. I know that you know who most of these songs are going to be about and I don’t want to see you upset. I’ll even give you a ride home.”

You smiled back at him and sighed, “I really think I’ll be okay. I’m always happy just to hear his voice you know? No matter how hard this will be I’m staying. He has all of my support regardless of the fact that these songs aren’t about me. I just wanna be here with him, for him.”

Another smile, “Okay babe, whatever you want.”

**

Headphones were finally passed out and it was time to actually listen to the album. But before you could do that, Harry found where you were sitting and leaned up against the wall closest to you. Before you could ask what he was doing he just smiled, actually beamed at you and shook his head.

“Just wanted to lay my eyes on you before you started listening.” He pushed off the wall and walked over to you, kissed you on the forehead and chucked his fingers under your chin. “You know it means the most to me that you’re here. You’re pretty important to me, know tha’?”

It was such a simple, friendly thing to say, and tears pooled in your eyes before you knew it. “Yeah I've gathered that, I’ll come find you when i”m done listening. Go on,”

You squeezed his hand and gave him a smile while fighting back tears. “Go on,” Harry finally walked away and you looked over at Sam who pretended he wasn’t watching your whole exchange.

You know he didn’t mean to but every time you had a moment like this between the two of you it always just felt like he was dangling a carrot in front of you. Dangling the chance of you being together for real, dangling the chance that he felt the same way, and you know he didn’t mean it to be mean, but in a way it was. You knew there was no way he didn’t know how you felt, how could he not? And for him to be so touchy feely with you and look at you with those soft eyes it just felt cruel. And unfair. How could he not know? How could he not see it? Anytime he walked in the room your eyes lit up and you watched his every move. You supported him unwaveringly and jumped at the chance to do anything you could to help him. Not in a love sick puppy kind of way where you doted over him and thought he walked on the moon, you just wanted him to be as successful as he could be and you knew his potential, and never wanted him to settle for anything less. All you wanted was the best for him. And you’d be lying if you said you wished you were the best for him.

You took a deep breath and pressed play on the first song. You had heard samples of a few songs from the album and hearing the whole thing almost felt like an out of body experience. Golden, Watermelon Sugar, Adore You, and Lights Up filled you with so much joy, excitement, and a buzz. His new sound was unlike anything you have ever heard, and you’d still say that even if you weren’t ya know, embarrassingly in love with him. He had found his new groove and it was so poetic and imaginative and just so, Harry. But the farther you got down the list of songs, your stomach dropped.

Obviously you knew that quite a few of these songs would be about her, and obviously there was nothing wrong with that. It was Harry’s album and written from his life experiences, he had every right to write about whoever he wanted. You just didn’t think it would hit you so hard. Falling was a beautiful, raw, purely crafted song and you loved it. But what really did you in was Cherry. Everything from the soft, heartbreakingly warm guitar strumming to his reserved, falsetto voice, to the words that were so obviously meant for someone else, you were done for. Oh god and then his screams at the end. How many times had you felt that way about Harry? How many times had you left a dinner party or one of his shows and watched him leave with someone else and made yourself sick from crying so much and so hard? How many times had you yelled, screamed at the wall for being so invested in him? For loving him so much it made you sick? Too many times. You were able to get through the rest of the album just fine, distracted by the up beat, funky songs. But once you got to the end of the album, your heart cracked wide open again after hearing Fine Line. It was the most beautiful, ethereal, transcendent song you had ever heard, and you couldn’t believe that you knew the person who was responsible for its creation.

Once you were finished listening to the album, you found yourself going back to Fine Line, playing a loop of him saying “You Sunshine, you Temptress”. It was the most beautiful thing you had ever heard, and you just sat there in awe of what you had just experienced.

You looked over at Sam who was already looking at you, and even he was crying. You had no doubt that there was a dry eye in the house.

Remembering that you had so foolishly told Harry that you would find him after you were done listening to the album you tried your best to slow your breathing and heart rate back down, and you wiped your eyes as best you could from the tears that took over a majority of your face. You knew how crazy you must have looked, and you hoped Harry wouldn’t notice that you looked the same as you did when you watched the episode of Grey’s Anatomy when Derek and Meredith FINALLY got together. You had cried THOSE kind of tears.

You stood up from the couch you were sat at and straightened your dress and shook out your hands. Taking a deep breath you wiped at your eyes once more and turned to look at Sam, who was already giving you a sympathetic smile.

You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out. You shook your head and cleared your throat before you finally found your words.

“Well, you were right. Dammit why does he have to be so? So- just,” Throwing your hands up another tear rolled down your cheek.

Sam smiled and reached for your hand and brushed his thumb over the top, “I know babe. He is just so. I know you told him that you would go talk to him after you listened but you do not have to. I know how hard this was for you and I don’t want him to make you feel even worse. Do you want me to give you a ride home?”

You looked up at him and gave him the best smile you could. “No no I'm fine, I need to stay and go talk to him. I need to tell him how incredible this was, and that I love him. I think I can manage to do that.”

He gave you a reassuring smile and shook his head, “Whatever you need. I’ll be here for a little while longer if you change your mind.”

Before you got up you asked him, “How soppy do I look? On a scale of ya know 1 to soppy?” You asked him with the smallest laugh you could muster.

“You look beautiful. He’s gonna think so too.”

**

And with that you stood again and finally left to go find Harry. When you rounded the corner of his dramatically long hallway, you found him talking to Jeff and some of his other friends.

Just looking at him from across the room had you teary eyed and your heart feeling like it was going to burst out of your chest. It was like you could feel it in your fingertips just how much you loved him, and every glance he threw your way had you weak at the knees. All you wanted to do was walk over to him and wrap your arms around him and feel his warm hands caress up and down your arms. But you stayed put like you always did, and had your little daydream’s like you always did. As hard as it was to not be “with” him, you’d take anything you could get. Just being in the same room as him made you feel special, and made you feel lucky to know him. Lucky to hear him, lucky to see him, just lucky to know him.

Jeff noticed you lurking behind the both of them and nudged Harry’s shoulder to get his attention. Harry slowly turned around and his eyes softened immediately when he saw it was you. He took off towards you not even bothering to tell the people he was talking to that he was leaving. His gaze on you warmed you from the inside out and you started sniffling again.

He closed the gap between the two of you and you tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and looked up at him as his familiar warmth surrounded you. He noticed your weepy eyes immediately and his smile shifted to one of concern. He reached for the crook of your elbow and pulled you in. When he quickly stepped back his hands framed your face and he blurted out a raspy, “Why’re you crying? What happened? Is the album that bad?!” He snorted out a laugh and you gave a matching one, “No no no of course not H. It’s incredible. Really really incredible. I’m so proud of you.” You smiled at him as widely as you could and squeezed his biceps, and for the first time he got an actual look at your face. 

Your eyes were definitely still teary and your lips were a bright shade of red and swollen. Your hair was still curled despite you nervously playing with it all night, and it did a good job of hiding your tears. Harry took you in all at once and you smelled so sweet, devine, familiar. Your eyes bounced between him and the floor and he had decided in that moment you had never looked more beautiful. So real.

He started snickering and asked you, “Is that why you’re so upset? Love you look like-”

“Like I just got hit by a bus? Yeah I’m aware H, thanks. And it’s all your fault” you finished with a laugh followed by a whimper.

“I was going to say you look beautiful. And exhausted. Why don’t we go sit somewhere and you can tell me what you really thought. Tha’ sound good?”

He was waiting for your reaction intently when Ben clamoed a hand on his shoulder and told him someone needed his attention right away. “Sorry to steal you away, uh oh are you- is everything okay?” Ben’s eyes flitted back and forth between the two of you.

You spoke up first, “Oh yeah i’m fine, we’re uh- we’re good we were actually just about to go and talk” You shot Ben a small smile and looked back at Harry.

Ben leaned in and whispered something in Harry’s ear and that had Harry shaking his head in agreeance.

Harry glanced back down at you and said “Why don’t you go find somewhere to sit, where it’s uh- just the two of us and wait for me. I’ll only be a minute and I really wanna hear what you think”

His smile dimpled his cheek and carded his hand through his hair.

When you hesitated your reply he grabbed your hand and searched for your eyes again, he opened his mouth so say something else but you cut him off, “Yeah yeah sure I’ll just be uh where I was sitting earlier. Don’t take too long, I might start crying again” you laughed and Harry mirrored a matching one.

“I'll just be a minute, go get comfy” He kissed your forehead and then he was off. 

Turning around you tried to hide your squealing and practically ran back to the loveseat you were sitting at earlier. You weren't sure what your plan was, would tonight be the night that you finally, FINALLY confess your undying love for him? Would tonight finally be the night that you tell him what you’ve been feeling all of these years? He was eager to talk to you too, right? He was the one who suggested talking somewhere, alone? Oh dear god could he possibly be waiting to tell you the same thing?! Okay, okay no definitely not but still, maybe? He was awful eager to hear what you thought wasn’t he? Awful eager to go somewhere alone with you?

In your very long winded train of thought you realized you had been waiting an increasingly long time for Harry. You decided to get up and go look for him. You eagerly rose from the couch and padded down the hallway to go find him. Turning the corner your eager smile immediately dropped.

There he was, back turned to you surrounded by a crowd of various adoring women. You recognized a few of them, but not all. You stopped cold in your tracks. Your stomach fell to the floor as your tears clouded your eyes again, what the hell was he doing? This is what was so important that he had to leave you for? You weren't sure if you were more pissed off or upset. They all started laughing at something he said and as soon as Harry looked up from their reactions, his eyes caught yours. You felt your knees go weak and your chest start to heave.

Time to go. You held back your tears as you immediately went searching for your coat and your bag. You just wanted to get out of there, away from Harry and his bullshit lies about “wanting to know what you thought”. Clearly he was more interested in other things. You couldn’t believe he put you in this position, again. You felt so stupid for having hope that maybe he felt the same way about you. So silly of you to think, again that you were on the same level as the women that were in his league, in his world. You felt humiliated beyond belief that he put you here, again. You couldn’t stand to even look at him. You were hoping to leave without him seeing you again, weaving in and out of the crowd of people that filled his living room. You ignored people calling out your name to say goodbye, as you made a beeline for the back door. As short as you were Harry still managed to spot you before you reached the door.

He reached for your arm to stop you but you immediately shook his hand off. That caused him to stop you completely by jumping in front of you to get you to slow down.

His eyes found yours and as painful as it was to look at him.

“Oh my god love stop please what’s wrong? I was just about to go find yeh and talk to you- where are yeh going?’

You huffed. “Oh really? You were just about to come find me? Seemed pretty busy already Harry.”

He knew you using his full name instead of just H meant he was in deep shit.

“I was, honest! Why are yeh so upset?!”

You tried to push past him again but his strong hands on your biceps stopped you.

Looking straight up at the ceiling you squeaked out, “Harry I have to go. I can’t be here anymore and I have a work thing in the morning. “

“Tomorrow is Saturday sweets. I know you don’t have a work thing- and what the hell do yeh mean you can’t be here anymore?” He scoffed. “I thought yeh said yeh loved the album?”

Was he seriously using pet names with you right now? Was he looking to get his ass handed to him?

Looking directly at him you mustered all the courage you had left and said, “I can’t be here anymore and watch you get gawked over by other women, and I sure as hell can’t listen to you sing about her anymore. Please. H just let me go.” Your voice whimpered and a tear slid down your cheek before you finally managed to push past him.

Harry just stood there, dumbfounded. Had he heard you right? Christ had he heard you right?

He was quick to turn around and call out your name but you were already halfway out of the door frame. He begged you to stop but you just picked up the pace and practically ran to your car.

**

Driving home from the party all you could do was cry. Your tears clouded your visions and you were trembling, chest heaving trying to catch your breath. You were so incredibly proud of Harry, and his album. You tried to convince yourself that these were partly “happy” tears but you knew that wasn’t the truth. You knew it sounded cheesy but you have never wanted to be with him as badly as tonight. That was until you saw him with his new friend. But the more you tried to stay mad at him, you couldn’t. You still just wanted to be with him. And it wasn’t because he was Harry Styles and had a brand new (probably going to be platinum) album out. It was because he was Harry. Your H, your best friend, your favorite person. The man who put together a party where he was surrounded by everyone who loved him and who he felt the most safe around, all to just share his most personal album to date. He made this incredible piece of art and the first thing he wanted to do was share it with the people he loves the most, it was the most adorable thing you had ever seen.

You finally neared the street your apartment was on, and as soon as you got inside and pulled your phone out of your handbag, you already had 5 missed calls and voicemails to match. You knew you scared him with the way that you very dramatically stormed out of his place with tears in your eyes, but you just couldn't call him back. Or even begin to think to. Not only were you heartbroken and upset about the whole situation, you were also embarrassed for your outburst, or actual lack thereof. Damn him and his ability to make you lose all the words in your brain every time he looked at you. You put your phone away for the night, washed off your makeup and put on one of Harry’s old t-shirts you stole a couple years ago to sleep in. You pulled the covers over your head and finally drifted off.

**

The next few days consisted of Harry calling you every .2 seconds. He sent flowers, baked goods. He even sent you a loaf of bread, which he was sure would do the trick. A bit of an inside joke between the two of you and your shared love of eating your sadness away with the help of massive carbohydrates. He knew better than to actually drop by and try to see you, he figured he just needed to give you a few days and you’d call and tell him what was going on. His main reasoning for that actually was that he didn’t want to spook you or see you upset again. He knew you would come back to him, you always did.

By the 4th day of not hearing from you, Harry was getting increasingly worried. You got a call from Sam, your Mom, multiple mutual friends of yours, you even got a call from Jeff. All claiming that Harry didn’t tell them to call you and check on you, even though you knew that they all had orders to report back to him with whatever you said. Each call you either declined or gave a vague reasoning of why you sounded so unlike yourself. You weren’t really sure what your long term plan was, it’s not like you could just ignore him forever or the situation forever. Although, changing your name and moving to Bora Bora didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

The more phone calls you got the more you wondered about what Harry had told them as a reason to check on you. Being the blabber mouth that he is you were sure that he had told them about what you said to him. It’s not like literally everyone didn’t know how you felt about him, but the fact that he now knew how you felt made your stomach churn.

Maybe Bora Bora was still an option. You tried to busy yourself as best you could, but of course like always your thoughts circled back to Harry. Maybe he hadn’t heard you? Maybe he was too busy thinking about what’s her face that was rubbing her hands up and down his back to hear what you said? You hoped it was the latter.

By the 5th day of you hiding out in your apartment, Harry had lost all patience and grace. He decided to make his presence known and come over to your place. He was tired of waiting, and quite frankly he was terrified he had hurt you beyond repair. The two of you had had little spats and fights over the years of your friendship, at the longest it only took a day for the two of you to calm down and then you were okay. This is the longest the two of you had gone without speaking, and it was making him sick. He needed you, and he loved you. He just hoped he hadn’t ran out of time to tell you.

By the time he got to your apartment you had managed to actually get dressed for the day. For you that meant an old, ratty sweatshirt of Harry’s you stole along with your sleep shirt, a pair of yoga pants. You took your hair out of it’s bun and took a long look in the mirror at yourself. You looked pitiful. You pulled the sleeves of Harry’s sweatshirt over your hands, wiped your tears away and went to get comfy in your front room. You were one episode of Grey’s Anatomy deep when there was a knock at your door. Shit.

You stayed perfectly still and muted the TV. You knew exactly who it was knocking. You’d hope he hadn’t heard your TV and he’d assume you weren’t home. You held your breath as your cheeks started to warm.

It was when you heard that slow, honeyed rasp that your eyes started to leak.

Harry let out a long breath and knocked again. “Angel I know you’re in there. Please, please let me in. I just wanna see your face. I need to lay my eyes on you.” His voice was softer, slower. “I need to hear your voice love please.”

You stood at your feet. As mad and hurt you were by him you just wanted to fling the door open and fall into him. But part of you still wasn’t ready to come face to face with him.

Harry knocked on your door again and you moved closer. He let out another heavy sigh, “Love don’t make me use my key. Please open the door.”

Shit shit shit shit! Why had you given him a key?! Could you run to your bathroom and sneak out the window? Could you hide in your pantry? All viable options you thought.

“Okay, you’ve left me no choice. I’m coming in.” Harry all but barked at you.

Your eyes went wide and you ran to the door and put your hand on the lock. “Wait wait wait Harry just uh- give me, give me a minute.” You fluffed up your hair a little bit and straightened your sweatshirt.

Oh god. You were wearing his sweatshirt. Why couldn't you just melt into the ground instead of opening the door? You wanted to bolt but you knew you just needed to get this over with.

Opening the door you were met with a very somber looking Harry, but his eyes softened and he smiled once he saw you. He looked so sad, so concerned, so confused. He was wearing one of his sweatshirts from his first tour, black jeans and his checkered vans.

“There she is. Hi love.” Harry’s eyes raked over your figure and his eyes went wide when he saw you clad in his sweatshirt. He went in for a hug but you pulled away before he could close the gap and you stepped to the side of him. His brow furrowed but before he could speak you muttered a very small “Hi Harry.”

He was still upset you were using his full name. He wanted to hear your sweet, familiar voice saying the nickname that rolled off your tongue so easily. It was one of his favorite words coming from you, and it made his heart swell each time you said it. It instantly felt cold in your apartment, and you suddenly wish you wouldn’t have opened the door.

You walked behind your kitchen island to put a barrier in between the two of you and his eyes wouldn’t leave yours. The two of you just stood there in silence and you swore you had never felt so exposed. So uncomfortable. How many times had you stood in this very spot with Harry making breakfast together? How many times had he danced with you around your kitchen? How many beautiful and truly wonderful memories did you have of spending time together in your home? You couldn’t believe how detached you felt from him, and as hurt as you were itching to touch him. This strange silence felt so unfamiliar.

You smiled as best as you could and asked him, “What’s up? Are you okay? What’s got you so curious that you had to come all the way over here?” you laughed a little at the end in hopes of him not being able to hear you sniffle.

His eyebrows raised before he replied, “Love you scared the shit out of me. I’ve been worried out of my absolute mind the past couple days. I- I need to know what yeh really meant when you said you couldn’t listen to me sing about her anymore?” His eyes flitted all over your face as he waited for your response. “Please tell me. I’ve been out of my mind thinking about it all week.”

You felt your chest tighten and your eyes started to tear up again. You were just about to make up an excuse when you realized that’s what you’ve been doing all these years, and all it’s done is hurt you and not gotten you and Harry anywhere. Hang buildup. He had already heard you the other night. He needed to know how you really felt.

Looking up at him you took a deep breath and tried to steady yourself. You were half expecting you to chicken out and make up another excuse, but all that came out was, “I’m in love with you Harry.”

Harry’s eyes snapped up and you wished the floor would have come up and swallowed you whole. Where the hell did that come from?! Shit shit shit shit there was no way to take that one back. But you know what? Screw it. Hang buildup. The flood gates were wide open.

You took advantage of your rare bravery and kept going.

“Harry I love you. I’m in love with you. My heart is so full of you I can’t even call it my own anymore. I love you. I really, truly do. I love you so much I can feel it in my finger tips. And every time you look at me. You’re a piece of me. I dream of you. I don’t come without you. I take you with me, everywhere I go. I love you in a really big, stupid, annoying kind of way. Like in the way that I check the weather wherever you’re traveling to so I can know what it’s like where you are. I love you in the way that when you’re out of town I go and I visit with your Mom because I know how much she misses you and I take comfort in her home because it was once your home. I love you in the way that I save every voicemail and voice note you’ve ever left me and I listen to them when i’ve had a shitty day or when I just want to hear your voice and you’re not here. I love you in the way that is embarrassing and loud and over the top. You are the best part of any day.”

Floodgates, wide open. When you finally finished your speech you stood there, unmoving waiting for him to say something. When he stood there for a good minute not saying anything, you started to panic. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit way too much why did you say all of that?! This was not the finale of Grey’s Anatomy, who did you think you were? Maybe you could still bust out of your bathroom window.

You stuttered and very shakily tried to take it back. “Oh my god I’m so sorry- you, you don’t have to say anything. Maybe you should go, it's clear you don’t feel the same way and we can just try and forget what I said.”

Harry cleared his throat before he readjusted his stance. He went reaching for the pocket in his sweatshirt, and pulled out a pile of letters and notes with a rubber band holding them together.

“I uh, I've been adding to this since the first week we met.” He cleared his throat but he didn’t want to spook you so he just slid them across the island.

There were dozens of letters and sticky notes, even old receipts that had his handwriting scrambled all over them. You figured they were song lyrics and ideas he had, but then you saw your name. He had written you dozens of love letters and notes. He dated them too, and he was telling the truth. The first one was dated the exact day you two had met. You knew because it was the same night you saw him perform for the first time. Your face was red as a tomato as you started to read them and you were suddenly crying again. You hadn’t even noticed but Harry had closed the gap between the two of you and his warm presence was behind you. He brushed his hand against your arm and spun you around to face him.

“I’ve loved you for forever, angel. I’ve loved you since you set foot backstage at that show so many years ago. We had just met and we had had literally one conversation but I knew. I just looked at you and I knew I was going to be with you. Some way, somehow. I didn’t care how long it took. And for the first couple of years of us being friends I settled for just that because I loved you so much it kind of scared me. Hence the pile of notes of me confessing my feelings time and time again.” Harry grabbed your hand and brought it to his chest before continuing, “I love you I love you I love you. Yeh pretty much my entire heartbeat. Y’my girl.”

You were positively sobbing and you felt like you were on fire. Were you dreaming? Did he just? Did he just say all of that? Did he just swoop in here and basically say that he’s been in love with you since the beginning of time? You were in awe of the man standing in front of you. This man who you had loved for years and who you had watched grow into this incredibly understanding, resilient, unashamedly vulnerable man who exudes love and kindness. How lucky were you to love him, and to be loved by him? It almost didn’t feel real, like some sort of daydream. A beautiful, beautiful daydream.

Your throat went dry and you suddenly forgot how to speak. You broke out into an uncontrollable snicker and managed to choke out, “Me? You, you love me too?”

Harry cradled your face in his hands and brushed his thumbs over the tops of your cheeks and let out a breathy laugh. “Yeah I do love. Loved yeh forever. Don't know why it took yeh so long t’see it. Will yeh let me kiss yeh now?”

Oh, hell yes. Harry brought his mouth down to yours and sealed your lips in the sweetest, most sipping kiss. He tasted like his favorite mint tea and his scent over took all of your senses. He kissed you over and over, somehow buttoning your lips together even more perfectly each time. When you both smiled into the kiss it broke and you stood there holding each other with your foreheads pressed together, panting. Harry looked up at you and you had never seen him smile so wide. You were sure he was actually in pain. He looked you up and down and tugged at the bottom of your (his) sweatshirt. 

“What’s this hm? Another way you love me? By stealing all m’clothes and never returning them?” 

You started giggling and told him to “Shut up H.” You bashfully grinned and hid your face in his warm neck and breathed him in. 

“Hey now that’s not nice m’love. Thought yeh said you loved me?” he gave you a shit eating grin and you gave him a matching one. 

“I do H, that I do.” That had him grinning at you wider than you had ever seen and the two of you spent the rest of the night wrapped around each other telling each other over and over again how much you loved each other. Well, and maybe showing each other how much you loved each other, too. 

[andaleduardo]

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

We’ve talked about it before but I wanna thank you one more time for all the thought you put into these questions and for sending them to me, honestly <33

Okay this is probably going to be a long post I’m sorry in advance,,

- Besides tumblr and AO3 (it’s the same username) I don’t have any more fannish accounts, I have a twitter so I can keep up with the IT content over there but my account is private I don’t really interact there I just observe 👀

- Jesus what a good question, my first name on tumblr was eds-spagheds, that was also my first name on AO3, but then the second movie came out and I had to make good use of that iconic line

- Okay buckle up I love this story. So, It chapter one came out in 2017, but I hate horror movies with a passion, I never watch them, so when my friends asked me to come see it with them I said no, right. Fast forward one year. One random day in high school I think I caught the flu or something and I was feeling like absolute CRAP but me and my friend (the same one that invited me to see It on the cinema) had already made plans for that afternoon, that were: watch IT chapter one at her house. I tell you, I was laying on her couch having fever dreams while we waited for another friend of ours to show up, I was thinking to myself, I’m gonna go home, I feel like shit I don’t want to watch a horror movie that I’m gonna have nightmares about tonight. Anyway, I didn’t leave, they convinced me because they said “you love stranger things you’ll love this too”. The three of us sat down to watch the movie. Me, a dumbass, said this on the first seconds of the movie: “Can you imagine how bad it must feel to enter a fandom based on a movie? Like, with stranger things you can rewatch all the seasons but with a movie it’s just, the same 2 hours to obsess over and over.” No, I didn’t know there was a book, mini-series, or a second part. Yes, I got to know them all in the following months because as soon as I finished the movie I knew that was it for me.

- Okay favorite ships? We’re all tired of this answer but reddie. However, I like every single ship imaginable between the 7 of them, to me they’re all soulmates and I love all the dynamics possible. I lovE all of them, ships and characters. I think I related most to Ben, because of the unrequited love, body image and food issues. That part on the book about Ben’s mom feeding him unhealthy things and him trying to eat better and then the guilt trip? man, that hit too close. But like many people say, we all relate to every loser in a different way.

- Sighs. I don’t really participate anymore... First 2 years I was on fire with content, I did fanart and wrote prompts, one shots, full fics.. now I literally just reblog things and try to give love to the artists. I guess you can say I’m retired

- That’s a difficult question, all of the art I see inspires me, all of the fics I love inspire me, before, I guess they inspired me to create my own content for the fandom but since I don’t create anymore, they just, make my day really much better. I appreciate every single content creator of this fandom, you don’t know how much joy it brings me

- Okay okay!! This is impossible to get right because I will forget many many people for sure but over all this time there’s some works that really stick with me and that I think about every other day:

a (number) neighborhood of seven by  BookRockShooter

I Might Be Dreaming (I Might Be Dead) by batwake

two falling sparks  by zach_stone

Predicament Bondage  by dgalerab

Now What I'm Gonna Say May Sound Indelicate by IfItHollers

& That's For All Time  by  tossertozier (rednoseredhair)

In Over Your Chest is Way Too Deep (AKA Surf Bois) by speakslow

5555 by weepies

- Yes! I wrote a handful of things but my absolute favorite one is this: Late at night when I like who I am, in the dark where I’m finally me

- No :( Sadly I never participated in any fandom event as a creator, but I love to see everyone’s work when one happens ! I bought the loser’s zine and it’s my most prized possession

- Hmmmm tough question, I think a little more empathy? There are so many kind and amazing people here but there are also some people who are... not. I see a lot of discourse over useless things like adults being in the fandom is somehow bad because the losers were once kids? like, are we forgetting this story follows these people from their childhoods through their adulthoods? And are we supposed to stop liking things after we turn 20 or? And when people who write Richie’s parents as bad parents are regarded as edgy teens who just want to cause Richie pain??? like what the....? so many people have only watched the movies and i’m sorry but in the movies there’s nothing that shows Richie’s parents as good parents, that’s only in the book, why do we attack these people then? maybe they relate to Richie and they have bad households, don’t we all project ourselves on our favorite characters?

Anyway, that’s all from me, if anyone reads this far I’ll be impressed but I had a lot of fun with these 👉👈

[jetaime-jespere]

holy. fucking. shit. wait no because it’s really taken me all day to read that chapter and i’ll probably have to read it again tonight because- oh my god no wait. wait. wAIT. okay no i have to collect my thoughts.

i feel like crying. i do. i could cry right now. i am in a state of shock. shOCK. let me start from the beginning because i’ve literally been reading this since you updated it and it’s literally 2pm(uk hehe) now and i don’t know what to do with myself.

THE BEGINNING😭 her and ian- brilliant. magnificent. ian telling her she’s going to make aaron watch as she dies i stood in my living room like 😳🧍🏻‍♀️😳 what did you just say to her sir...sir what did you say

the emily/aaron scene when he was begging her to tell him what was going on. heartbreaking. i could see it playing out in my head and i had to put my phone down and just stare into absolutely nothing for about ten minutes. i could not process it. i couldn’t. when i stoped having an internal crisis i read the scene again and when i say it was a hand over mouth moment the whole time i was sat on my floor like🤭🤭 extreme panic mode activated. when morgan interrupted i felt the same as emily i was like oh thank god amen the relief i really thought he was gonna throw out a “who is he” at her and i was not prepared for that. not at all. especially because in your universe (i think omfg if this was a different fic i am embarrassed and very sorry) haley did cheat on him with someone from the park? jacks school? (again. if this was not you, render me embarrassed and very apologetic) and the thought that she could be doing the same thing to him ABSOLUTELY NOT. i am very grateful you did not put me and my poor soul through that. thank you queen😔✊🏼 forever thankful to be spared from that trauma.

THEN the emily and reid scene “it might be the last conversation they have” i can’t believe you did that to me. you really said no rey rights didn’t you. i was like 😃🙂😶😔 how rude. broke me. another phone down stare into nothing moment. i think that was before the scene i’ve just spoke about but it’s all messed up in my brain i’m sat in the dark just...unable to collect any of the many thoughts in my brain about this chapter. it’s broken me. snapped me in half. hit me in the face.

aaron and clyde👀👀👀 when i tell you those two men are two different types of sexy..the scene is made 10x better because the TENSION stop it. stop it. clyde and hotch forever. they’re the true love story here. enemies to lovers am i right😎

hotch finding emily on the floor don’t even talk to me. don’t. what am i supposed to do now? just sit and act like it didn’t smack me right in the face and bury me alive? outrageous.

THE LETTER. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING LETTER. I HAVE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE WAY THAT THREW ME ACROSS THE ROOM that’s all i have to say about that.

the last line...babe you might as well have hit me with a car and then reversed back over me. how am i supposed to just... carry on after that? you ended it there to torture me i’m onto you😶 the last line. i can’t even- i don’t- i just- in shock. a state of shock.

what can i give you? what would you like? how do i reward you for giving me this for free? honestly i just...can not wait to re read this once it’s complete. i think about it all the time. everyday. 100% my favourite hotch/prentiss fan factio out there right now.

oh AND YOU KILLED DOYLE. that’s thrown me very much of course and i am now very, very curious as to where you take this story and how you write season 7, especially since there’s no fake death/paris storyline (or is there...wait.. no wait what)

no i have to go before this is about 5000 words long but i just... i have so many thoughts and i do not know how to carry on with my day after that.

Hello!♥️ Oh goodness - first of all, I am living for every part of this message, because wow you took me on a ride! I laughed at some parts and some you just made me all weepy!! Okay so, you literally covered everything! The letter was one of my favorite parts to do - I’ve wanted to work that in since December and so excited for that to come full circle. Aaron & Clyde are both indeed their own breed of gorgeous, and I’m glad you recognized the tension because that was what I was going for - neither trust the other, but they need to, and eventually I think they do. LOL. But yes - the showdown between them was something else, and if looks could kill, oh. wow. And THIS ALONE is enough of a reward as you could give me, because this is the kind of stuff I LIVE for. ♥️ We can only hope things will work out between our two faves ... at least that’s what I’m thinking 😘I have no words for how flattered I am at all of this!! I really hope you enjoy what’s next, and thank you for reading, as always. 

[artificialqueens]

Tree House Kisses, Chapter 21 (Adorney) - Scorpio and Veronica

A/N: I am very excited to post this chapter, especially because I get to include this outstanding artwork by my HERO, @grinder-lector-art​. It’s the banner on my own blog and every time I look at it, I get a bit weepy-eyed. -V

Also, this seems like a good a time as any to plug the wonderful moodboards that Scorpio made to go along with this story (including a few specifically inspired by this chapter). If you’re looking for previous chapters, click here! Xoxo!

Chapter Summary: Everything falls apart. But it’s Courtney’s party, and she’ll cry if she wants to…

Chapter 21: It’s Raining on Prom Night

“Hello party guests!” Darienne called over the mic. “We are now serving dinner! Please help yourself to the lovely Mexican spread, over by the garden. It is all vegetarian and the trays marked with a pink heart are vegan. Don’t make that face, Adrian, you’ll be fine,” she chastised Adore’s brother. “Anyway, after you have your plate, the birthday girl has requested for you all to take your seats, as we have some entertainment, produced by Courtney and Thorgy and starring some people here tonight...I wonder who?!”

She stepped away from the mic, trying to help usher people towards the food, especially the slower-moving adults and the cheerleaders who were still on the dance floor fooling around.

“Mrs. Del Rio!” she beckoned Roy’s mom over. “Look, only a few people know this, but there’s a secret tray of chicken under the veggie skewers. For VIP carnivore guests only. Tell your husband.”

Aida laughed, giving her a hug. “Thank you, honey. Courtney already tipped us off, but we appreciate you looking out for us.”

“I do my best,” Darienne said, winking. She walked over to the main table where Courtney had a confused and mildly irritated look on her face. “Dari, there’s one too many seats here. Is it because of Raja? Didn’t we fix this? I don’t want an empty chair right up front, it’ll look weird--”

“Calm down, it won’t be empty.”

“Well, who’s sitting here?” Courtney put her hands on her hips.

Darienne imitated her pose, hands on her own hips, and leaned in. “It’s a surprise. Go get yourself some dinner, Miss Sweet Sixteen, and don’t worry about it!”

Courtney narrowed her eyes, and after a beat, backed down, pulling Adore and Roy with her over to the food. “I’ve got my eye on you, Darienne!”

Darienne laughed, shaking her head, and pulled out her phone.

-

“Courtney, everything is set up if you want to start the video,” Thorgy said.

“Okay…” she glanced down at her phone again. Still no answer from her dad. “Let’s just wait one more minute, until everyone is sitting.”

“Cool. Tell me when to hit the lights and then--”

“Shut up, Thorgy.” Darienne shoved him out of the way and stood behind Courtney’s chair, covering her eyes.

“Hey!”

“I told you there was a surprise, right? Well...it’s a little late due to flight delays and other extenuating circumstances, but...come on out!”

There were few delighted gasps and squeals from the table, and Courtney exclaimed, “What? What?!”

Darienne uncovered Courtney’s eyes and turned her chair around and standing there, in a black and white checkered dress, was Dela.

Courtney let out an ear-piercing shriek, jumping up and throwing her arms around her old friend. “DELA! OMIGOD! I can’t believe you’re here! How are you?! How’s Seattle?! I miss you! Oh my god!!” Courtney jumped up and down, hugging her tightly.

Dela laughed and hugged her back. “Happy Birthday, sweetie. I missed you too! Sorry I’m late…”

Courtney pulled away, teary-eyed, and sat Dela down beside her. Darienne laughingly moved the place card that had been there (Roy’s) and soon everyone was chattering excitedly and catching up, hearing about Dela’s new school in Seattle. Courtney promised to tell Dela the story in detail of how she and Roy became an official couple after the video.

“And we finally learned the truth of why Adore never liked me,” Bob joked, causing Adore to roll her eyes.

“Is it because you were so annoying?” Dela smiled.

“Absolutely,” Adore said.

“Not,” Bob added.

Courtney filled her in about the family that had moved into her house.

“See the pretty blonde over there next to Gia? Her name is Pearl. She’s really nice, actually. Adore tried to fuck her but that didn’t work out.”

Dela’s eyes widened and then she looked over at Bob, who made an “I told you so” face.

Adore scoffed, offended. “That is not how it went down.”

Courtney shrugged, smirking, and replied with a teasing, “Whatever you say,” and a hair toss.

Dela giggled. “So, I heard there’s about to be some intense walk down memory lane video? Is that true, because I love those, it’s my favorite part of every wedding, every Bat Mitzvah…”

“Yeah, we were about to play it.”

“Go for it! I better be in it though.”

Courtney grinned. “Oh, trust me. You are.”

-

As Adore suspected, the video was incredibly long and cheesy, filled with tons of photos of Courtney, Courtney with her family, Courtney with friends. There were also a lot more video clips than Adore anticipated - from recitals, home movies, including a gem from Courtney’s first day of kindergarten that she’d never seen.

“Courtney, love, please come out! Bob is waiting so nicely!” Karen cajoled.

“NO!” Courtney shouted, stomping her feet, refusing to come out the front door,

Bob, already tall and lanky at five years old, sat down on the front steps, head in his hands, clearly over Courtney and her temper tantrum.

“Courtney, why don’t you want to come out? You love school...” Karen wheedled.

She opened the door a crack and shouted, “I love PRESCHOOL! I don’t want to go to kindergarten! I’m too small! Everyone is going to be mean to me!” She slammed the door with a loud bang, continuing, “NO NO NO NO NO!”

Bob shook his head at the camera, rolling his eyes.

“Roy! Vanessa!” The camera flipped around to catch the Del Rio kids walking down the block, Karen at her wit’s end, begging them to help convince Courtney how much she’d love kindergarten.

Roy scampered inside and emerged 20 seconds later, holding Courtney’s hand, a big smile on her face.

“Roy’s gonna beat up anyone who’s mean to me!” Courtney announced happily, skipping down the steps.

Everyone at the party let out a collective “Awwwwww…”

Roy shook his head. “I was so full of shit. You think I was about to get in trouble by starting a fight my first day of school? That goes on your permanent record. Luckily for me, no one was mean to her.”

Courtney laughed and kissed him. “It was a comforting lie.”

On the screen, young Roy put his arm around Bob and led him and Courtney down the block towards the elementary school. “Kindergarten is great. You get to play all day and sing songs and do lots of fun stuff.”

“Did you like it, Roy?” Courtney asked, gazing up at him.

“I thought it was kind of boring, but I was already reading books. You’ll love it.”

Adore shook her head, chuckling, as the video faded back into photos. Even in first grade, Roy was a patronizing know-it-all.

-

Willam and Pearl dug into their food, plates piled high with enchiladas, Spanish rice, beans, grilled chicken that they’d begged off Adore’s mom, veggie skewers, salad, taquitos, and mini quesadillas, amused grins on both of their faces as they watched Courtney’s baby videos.

A video of Courtney and Adore learning to rollerblade played across the screen. A young Adore was pretty good, compared to a falling and pouting Courtney.

“Attagirl, Lesbian!” Willam cheered, earning a glare from Adore, three tables away.

Pearl leaned over and murmured, “Why does this feel like a wedding more than a birthday party?” Pearl glanced down into Willam’s lap to see him texting someone.

“Or a funeral,” Willam mumbled back, causing Pearl to laugh which was covered up by the chuckles from the crowd laughing at Adore having to hold Courtney’s hands to help her skate.

Willam slid his phone over to Pearl, to show her the texts he had been sending Adore all night. Most of them had been him insulting Adore on her horrible fashion choices during her preteen years. Pearl shook her head, snickering to herself as she shoved another mouthful of rice into her mouth.

“What y’all laughing at?” Alyssa whispered leaning forward on the table.

The screen started off black, a few girls could be heard talking. The camera shook, before a round face framed with red hair in pigtails popped into view.

“Okay, it’s on,” Darienne said before she ran off screen.

“Turn the music on!” someone hissed. Seconds later the music started and Adore ran into view, hair teased huge, in an animal print top and pleather pants. Followed by Courtney, in white gogo boots and a British flag dress.

“Ohhhh, shit!” Willam began cackling with glee.

And then the rest of the girls. April wore a black dress and stilettos, hair ironed flat. Dela was in track pants and a sports bra, and Darienne was in a little pink dress with white sketchers, sucking on a lollipop.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Pearl’s mouth dropped open and Willam covered his mouth to hold in his laughter as they watched the girls prance around the room.

Darienne was a beat behind the rest of the girls, obviously missing steps, and clearly uncomfortable as Baby, comically overplaying the cutesy little girl thing to the point where it was nearly creepy. Dela and Courtney were the most enthusiastic, and seemed to know all the moves (with Courtney as a nearly manic Ginger and Dela really trying to sell Sporty’s “tomboy” vibe).

Watching a younger Adore, who was apparently Scary, prance around the room trying to keep up with Courtney and Dela was absolutely hilarious. Every time they had to turn, she would go the wrong way, at one point crashing into Dela and nearly knocking her over. And April’s imitation of Posh Spice, barely doing the moves at all, an air of “too cool” apathy only added to the overall disorganized vibe.

“This is soooo embarrassing,” Gia whispered to no one in particular, but everyone at the table heard her.

“Gurl,” Alyssa nodded.

WILLAM: Nice moves, you guys could have replaced the real spice girls

ADORE: Fuck off

PEARL: Was this professionally choreographed?

ADORE: Fuck. Offffff!

Adore glared at Willam and Pearl as they doubled over laughing, flipping her phone closed and crossing her arms. She watched them prance around on the screen and couldn’t help, but remember the arguments that took place just for this video to happen.

April, Adore, Courtney, Darienne and Dela had gathered at Courtney’s house and as they sat around the living room listening to the Spice Girls, Courtney suggested that they should make their own Wannabe video.  

“Oh! That’ll be so fun,” Bendela said, the other girls nodded excited about Courtney’s idea.

“I’ll go get the camera!” Courtney ran off.

“I’m Posh,” April said.

“I’m Ginger,” Adore quickly called.

“Don’t you think I should be Ginger? I mean I have red hair,” Darienne suggested and Adore made a face.

“You can be Scary,” Adore suggested.

“If we’re doing this, I think I should be Ginger, I have red hair, I’m the oldest. April should be Posh, Courtney should be Baby-”

“No, I wanna be Ginger,” Courtney rushed back into the living room with her Dad’s camera, interrupting Darienne. “I’m the biggest Spice Girls fan, and I love Geri, I--”

“Too late! I already called Ginger,” Adore said smugly.

Courtney’s mouth twisted up in anger, gripping the camera tightly; steam was practically shooting out of her ears. “Adore Delano you know I waited FIVE HOURS at the Glendale Galleria to get Geri Halliwell’s autograph, and I have the British flag dress, and I--”

“Blah blah blah, whatever Baby!”

Five minutes later and Adore and Courtney were still in a heated argument over who got to be Ginger.

April watched on in amusement, happy that no one was trying to take Posh away from her, Dela just wanted the arguing to be over and Darienne didn’t understand why they thought they were more Ginger Spice than her.

“It’s! Not! Fair!” Courtney stomped her foot, crossing her arms and pouting at Adore.

“Yes! It! Is!” Adore mocked Courtney stomping her foot and crossing her arms, “I called it first. So I’m Ginger.”

“If you’re anyone, you’re Sporty,” Courtney rolled her eyes.

Adore took a step back from Courtney, fuming, looking around the room to see the other girls’ reactions. Dela sat down next to Darienne, silently offering her snack to her.

Adore leaned to Courtney whispering, “I should have been Ginger and you know it.”

Courtney stuck her tongue out in response, before shaking her head, “I think you made a good Scary. And you’d have been good as Sporty, too.”

“What?! Now that I think about it, that was a totally homophobic suggestion,” Adore said.

“Hey, if it looks like a duck, and walks like a...well...”

Adore’s eyes bulged and her mouth opened in mock offense, and Courtney laughed, leaning over and kissing her forehead.

“I’m pretty sure I’d be the best choice for Ginger,” Darienne whispered to Dela, who nodded in agreement.

“Well, you’re the obvious Baby, Courtney! Come on!” Adore cajoled desperately.

“Ugh!!” Courtney screeched, then cried, “You know what? We don’t have to make the video at all.” She turned around and tried to run off before Adore stopped her.

“Okay, okay, fine. I’ll be Scary because she has the coolest hair and you can be Ginger,” Adore huffed out in annoyance.

“Yay!” Courtney cheered, wrapping her arms around Adore, planting a wet kiss on her cheek, “You can be Ginger next time, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Adore said, knowing full well that Courtney was lying and that she’d pull the same shenanigans next time, if there ever even was a next time.

“So, that means April’s Posh, Adore is Scary, I’m Ginger, Dela you can be Sporty and Darienne can be Baby,” Courtney turned to the other girls. Darienne frowned, not really on board with the casting.

“Courtney, are you sure you don’t want to be Baby. I mean you’re blonde and cute and would make the perfect Baby,” she tried to convince her one last time.

Courtney frowned, “Do you want to be Sporty?” the tremor in her voice and the look on her face told Darienne that they would be in for another tantrum if she kept arguing, and she didn’t think she could deal with it.

“Fine, I’ll be Baby,” Darienne sighed.

-

“I’m never gonna forgive you for dredging up that Spice Girls video…” Adore grumbled.

Courtney laughed half-heartedly, shrugging. “Sorry boo, it’s my favorite.”

“I loooooved it!” Dela cried happily. “I think we should do it again, like a reunion tour. There's totally room on the dance floor.”

“Uh, how about no fucking way?” Adore retorted, a look of horror on her face. She looked to the others for support, but Courtney was distracted by her phone.

COURTNEY: Where are you? It’s almost 9…

Darienne looked at Adore and cleared her throat. “You know what I think we need? Presents.”

Adore nodded. “Yes!” she exclaimed as Courtney’s eyes lit up happily.

“Great idea!” Roy jumped up to help Darienne grab the gifts and Adore mouthed ‘THANK YOU’ at both of them. Roy smiled and gave her a wink.

-

Courtney sat in a decorated chair, ankles crossed demurely like the princess she was, everyone gathered around her wanting their present to be opened first.

“I’m only going to open a few presents for now,” Courtney announced knowing that she wouldn’t make it through everyone’s presents quick enough. “So, who wants to go first,” she sang, closing her eyes and holding her hands out, making grabbing motions.

Her dad’s parents, Grammy and Papa were the first to pass Courtney her gift, which consisted of a card and birthday money.

“Thank you, so much,” she squealed at the hundred dollars, giving both her grandparents a kiss.

Darienne decided to be the brave soul to go next. “Here you go, Courtney.”

“I wonder what it is,” Courtney shook the wrapped present causing everyone to laugh. She tore the paper off to reveal a beautifully carved frame, painted pink and white. The picture in the frame was taken at Courtney’s 13th birthday party. Courtney started to tear up at the memories that the picture brought.

Courtney stood in the center of the picture, brows furrowed cutely, with icing on her nose, a laughing Adore beside her. Roy was trying to stop Bob from digging his fingers into his slice of cake. Darienne was the only one posed for the camera with her hands on her hips and a smile on her face while April, Dela, Thorgy and Jamin were captured in the background, oblivious to the picture being taken.

“Thank you, Dari!” Courtney sniffed, pulling Darienne into a tight hug.

“You’re welcome, sweetie,” Darienne squeezed her back, “I made it the frame and painted it myself.”

Courtney grabbed the picture frame and stared at it for another moment before sitting it aside carefully, “Thank you so much.”

After Courtney sat back in her chair, Roy stepped forward with his present. “Here you go, princess.”

Courtney took the big bag from him, dramatically weighing it to see how heavy it was. Pulling out and tossing the pink tissue paper behind her, Courtney pulled out the card first. Ripping it opened, her mouth dropped at the season passes to Six Flags Magic Mountain.

“Oh my gosh! Thank you, babe,” she pulled him down her a quick kiss on the cheek, “This summer is going to be sooo fun,” she shimmied her shoulders excitedly at the thought of going to the amusement park all summer, especially since the new rides were supposed to be amazingly death-defying.

“Told you,” Adore cracked. “Whore for danger.”

“Yeah, I’m counting on it,” Roy joked quietly, and Adore made a face at him.

Courtney laughed, setting the envelope to the side, her face lighting up when she dug into the bag pulling out what looked to be lotion and bubble bath.

“Oooh,” she bounced in her seat as she unscrewed the top on the lotion to get a good whiff, “My favorite. You remembered.” She looked up at him with adoring eyes.

“Of course. Keep digging,” Roy urged.

Courtney set the lotion and bubble bath aside, reaching into the bag and pulling out a rolled-up t-shirt. She shot Roy a skeptical look before opening the shirt to get a good look at it.

“A Destiny’s Child shirt,” Courtney turned it around, holding it up for everyone else to see.

“Yes, because you’ll need it for the concert-”

“CONCERT!?” Courtney screamed, scooting to the edge of her seat looking at Roy with huge eyes.

“Yep, my cousin Monica is a dancer on the tour and she hooked us up with some dope seats when they come here in September--” Roy said.

“Ahhh!” she screeched, hopping up out of her seat to show her mom, sister and grandparents what her boyfriend had gotten her (even though they saw the whole thing) and they smiled and gasped in excitement for Courtney. Roy slid into Courtney’s seat, glancing around the room, momentarily catching Adore’s eye and smirking. She smiled back sweetly, letting him have his little moment of glory.

“Omigod, thank you!” Courtney leaped into Roy’s lap, covering his face with kisses.

“You’re really happy? I figured like, jewelry or something...you know, it would be kind of predictable. But this is something we can do together.”

She pressed their foreheads together. “You’re the best boyfriend ever, and we’re going to have the most amazing summer.” Courtney wrapped her arms around Roy’s neck, whispering, “I love you so much…”

“I love you more. Even though you’ve been a real pain in the ass…”

“Hey!” Courtney exclaimed, pulling away, but Roy pulled her back, capturing her lips in a sweet, tender kiss, hands circling her waist.

Dela looked at Adore. “Are they always like this?” she asked quietly, wrinkling her nose.

Adore stuck her tongue out, nodding. “Always. Gross, huh?”

Dela nodded, then poked Courtney on the shoulder. “Hey, birthday princess…” she sang.

“Yeahhh?” Courtney lifted her head, leaning against Roy’s shoulder, slightly glassy-eyed.

“Want another present?”

“Yes!”

Dela handed her a shiny turquoise bag.

“Wait, you really got me a present?! But you came all the way here, you didn’t need to also buy me something!”

“Awww, I love you, and you’re so full of shit!” Dela laughed.

Courtney giggled.

She opened the turquoise bag and found it stuffed to the brim with glittery nail polishes, lip glosses, and a pair of super chic retro sunglasses, which she immediately tried on, pursing her lips in a model-esque pose.

“Gorgeous! See, I knew they were you!” Dela exclaimed.

“Aw, thank you Dela,” Courtney pulled her into a hug, “I've missed you so much.”

Courtney was about to get up, when Adore asked, “Time for one more?”

“I think we can manage that,” Courtney grinned.

“Here you go.” Adore handed Courtney a long, narrow box, wrapped in black glittery paper. The tag said “2005.” “I hope it satisfies your demands.”

Courtney giggled, remembering how she’d made Adore promise that her present would make everyone jealous. She unwrapped the box, opening the velvet lid slowly. Inside was a rose gold charm bracelet.

The first charm Courtney saw was a tiny little bow. She bit her lip, holding back tears, studying at all the other charms. There were some sweet ones that represented them and their friendship, like music notes and drama masks and a little heart, and then a bunch like the bow that seemed to go with the presents she’d gotten over the last two weeks...a tree, a roller coaster, tiny little crutches, a lollipop, a microphone, a hairbrush, a ladder, the British flag.

She laughed at the skull and crossbones, then touched the one beside it, looking up at Adore’s expectant face. “What’s this one?”

“The eternity symbol. Best friends forever.” Adore’s voice was soft.

Courtney lunged forward, wrapping her into a hug, tears dripping down her face, sobbing into her neck.

“So you like it?” Adore whispered teasingly into her hair, holding back tears of her own, trying to keep things light.

“It’s perfect.” Courtney pulled away, tears still falling. “Can you help me put it on?” she asked.

“It doesn’t match your other jewelry--”

“I don’t care,” Courtney sniffled, wiping her eyes with a gloved hand.

“Okay, then.” Adore took her wrist and fastened the bracelet.

Courtney hugged her again, clinging to her tightly.

“Come on, let’s finish dinner so we can dig into that ridiculous pink cake over there,” Adore murmured.

She slung an arm around Courtney’s waist and led her back to their table, glancing at Roy on the way, who had his eyes narrowed at her. She shrugged and grinned at him, feeling a little petty, but knowing her victory was bittersweet. She may have won this round, but he was still the boyfriend.

-

DAD: Hiya kiddo. Hope you’re having a blast. I hate to be a bummer but I’m not gonna make it tonight. I’m sure you’d rather spend the night with your friends anyway. Have a fantastic birthday, I love you loads, and I promise that Katya and I will take you out to dinner real soon to celebrate.

Courtney snapped her phone closed and put it down on the table, straightening out her skirt.

Roy put his hands on her shoulder. “Did he say when he’s--”

“He’s not coming,” Courtney said flatly, clearing her throat.

Adore swallowed, trying to think of something to say that would make her feel better, and coming up dreadfully short. She looked up into Courtney’s eyes, could see how crushed her best friend was, and knew that nothing she could do would fix it.

Courtney looked away from Adore’s sympathetic expression, those hazel eyes so full of concern that they’d make her burst into tears if she looked at them a second longer, took a deep breath and turned towards the dance floor, sighing. “Why are those lights out?”

“What lights?” Roy asked.

“Those!” Courtney pointed to a string of fairy lights that were out, near the dance floor.

“They probably came unplugged. I’ll go check.”

Courtney followed him over to the dance floor, looking around, tapping her foot. “Nobody is dancing. Tomas, can’t you play something more fun? Where’s the playlist I gave you?” She crossed her arms.

“Yeah, sure. I was just trying to keep it kind of chill while people finished dinner. We can kick things up.” The DJ winked at her and opened his laptop.

Darienne walked up and asked, “Hey, babe, do you still want to try and save some of the enchiladas, ‘cause they’re almost gone…”

“WHAT?! We were supposed to save a whole tray in the kitchen to bring to the shelter tomorrow! Who put it out?!” Courtney demanded.

“I don’t know, I’m sure it was an innocent--oh, no...”

“What?”

“It looks like you’re missing an earring,” Darienne said, touching her cheek softly.

“What?!” Courtney cried, panicking.

“Yeah, hold still, it’s probably just somewhere on your dress. Dela, come here, help me for a sec.”

Courtney stood, wringing her hands, as the two girls searched the folds of her skirt. “I can’t lose that earring, I borrowed it from my mom, it belonged to my great-grandmother, oh god, you have to find it, please hurry.” She began to whimper, covering her face, as Grandma Muriel approached.

“Why do you look so distressed, dear?”

“Grandma, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” she wailed, grasping the older woman’s hands. “I think I lost Nana’s earring, it must be around here somewhere but I don’t know if we can find it and--”

“Courtney, for heaven’s sake, get ahold of yourself.” Muriel shook her head, walking away.

“Just stop, it’s no use…” Courtney shook Dela off her skirt. “It’s too dark. We’ll never find it.”

“But maybe we can--”

“I said leave it!”

“Okay, sorry.” Dela exchanged a look with Darienne and backed off. “I’m gonna go get some more punch…”

“Uh, Court, I think one of the bulbs in that string burned out, they aren’t working,” Roy said.

“Ugh! Great!”

Suddenly, the cheerleaders stormed the dance floor as Missy Elliott’s “I’m Really Hot” began blasting.

Courtney nodded at Tomas, who winked, and then was pulled into a group of squealing girls by Laganja. That’s when she noticed the red flower on Alyssa’s dress. “Really, Alyssa? You of all people can’t follow a dress code?”

“Step off, Jenek.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m one of the few people here who doesn’t find your diva nonsense charming. I’m not the one. So step. Off. If you know what’s good for you.”

Some of the cheerleaders paused, taking notice of the two girls standing in the middle of the dance floor.

Bob's hand tightened around April’s as he tried to subtly nod in Alyssa and Courtney's direction.

“Five bucks on Alyssa,” he whispered, causing April to snort.

“You're terrible. Alyssa won't do anything but make her run extra laps at cheer practice or something. She's all talk,” April murmured, eyes watching the two girls.

“I don't know, Alyssa has about 20 pounds on Courtney. She could definitely take her.” Bob shrugged his shoulders, pulling April closer as he waited to see what would happen, April’s cheeks reddening.

After staring each other down, Courtney turned on her heel and flounced away, nearly bumping into her mother.

“Hey, love, did you want to do the cake now, or wait a little?” Karen said. “I think people are mostly done with dinner, so--”

“I don’t care!” Courtney snapped. “Whatever.”

“Well, it’s your party, Courtney, so I think you should--”

“Fine! Do it now! It’s not like it fucking matters, mom, it’s just a stupid cake!” Tears burned in her eyes.

Karen looked at her like she was debating whether to smack her across the face or give her a hug. After a few moments, she spoke in a quiet voice. “I’ll go get the candles.”

“Great.” Courtney bit her lip, holding back tears.

Roy took a step towards her. “Courtney, everyone is doing their best, okay? I mean, I know you’re upset about your dad, but that’s no reason to act like a bitch to everyone who’s here, who’s trying to--.”

Courtney narrowed her eyes at him, pushing him away. “This is not about my fucking dad, Roy!”

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, babe, whatever you say.”

“Go fuck yourself!” Courtney screeched, shoving him out of the way and storming off the dance floor.

Roy stood for a moment, helpless, knowing he’d done the wrong thing, as “1, 2 Step” began blaring over the speakers, the bass pumping, the dance floor filling up even more, suddenly feeling stifling.

“Good work, bro,” Adore said, thumping him on the shoulder.

“Fuck. I don’t know where she went…” He shook his head.

“I know where she went,” Adore assured him. “Maybe let’s not light any candles yet, though?”

Roy nodded.

-

Adore climbed the ladder, hoisting herself into the tree house and sitting cross-legged on the floor. “Hey.”

Courtney wiped some tears from her cheeks.

“Hi.” She was curled in the corner, in a beanbag chair. Her tiara was askew and her gown was wrinkled, the tulle bunched up around her like a glittery fuchsia cloud.

“Planning to hide in here for the rest of the night?”

Sniffling, Courtney shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Alright.” Adore shoved the second beanbag chair over to her and stretched out. “In that case, I’m sort of bummed I didn’t bring any snacks, but I guess we’ll live.”

Courtney giggled a little in spite of herself, then sniffled as her tears continued to fall.

“I know I’m being awful. Roy was right.”

“Yeah, well, Roy’s always right, isn’t he? That doesn’t mean he needed to say it.”

Courtney closed her eyes.

“I hate that I care this much. I feel like such a stupid fucking baby. But...it’s my first birthday without him, you know?”

Adore nodded, silently taking her hand.

“I just really thought he’d come. I really thought, even though things have been weird and everything, that when it came down to it, I’d still be able to count on him. That he still gave half a shit. I’m so dumb.” She shook her head, tears pouring down her cheeks.

Adore brushed the tears away gently with her fingers, whispering. “You’re not dumb.”

Courtney leaned on Adore’s shoulder. “I even had a song picked out for us to dance to.”

“What song?”

“You Are My Sunshine.”

“Dude. That is so cheesy.”

“I know! That’s the point!” Courtney laughed, fresh tears falling.

“Well...it’s his loss, because you are sunshine. And you’ve never looked prettier.”

Courtney smiled, knowing that she was, at the moment, a tear-stained mess. “Thank you for lying.”

Adore took the edge of a blanket and dried Courtney’s cheeks, then opened her handbag and pulled out a compact, eyeliner, and lip gloss. She got to work fixing Courtney’s makeup and within two minutes, leaned back, pleased with her work. “There,” Adore said, adjusting the tiara on her head, rearranging her blonde curls. “Beautiful.”

“You are, too,” Courtney said softly, gazing up at her.

Adore looked at Courtney and, for a moment, it was if she could really see her. Every insecurity, every desire. She took Courtney’s face in her hands and tilted her chin up. She leaned in slowly and brushed their lips together.

Courtney’s heart raced as she savored the sweet softness of Adore’s mouth. She gripped the tulle fabric of her skirt in her hands, and then before she could blink, the kiss was over and Adore was pulling away again, still looking at her but not in the same way. The walls were back up and it felt as if a chasm had opened up between them.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--” Adore’s voice was hoarse and distant.

“No, it’s alr--”

“We should go back.”

“Okay.” Courtney felt like crying again, and she wasn’t sure why. She just followed Adore, out of the tree house and back to the party.

-

The good news was, the DJ had managed to keep the party going. It seemed like most people hadn’t even noticed that Courtney left, from how much fun they were having on the dance floor. Except Roy, of course, sitting at their table, sipping forlornly out of a pink sparkly cup.

She approached him, nervously biting her lip, adjusting her elbow-length gloves. “Hey.”

He looked up. “Hi.”

“I’m sorry. I know I’ve been a monster all day, and you’ve been really great, like you always are, just the best, and, and you were right, I was upset about my dad, and I’m just...I’m sorry.” Courtney pressed her lips together, trying to hold in her tears. “Please don’t be mad.”

Roy stood up and wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to upset you. But like, this is a birthday party and you’ve been so stressed and irritated, and I just thought--”

“I know, I know.”

“This is probably a totally insane idea, but what if we...keep an open mind here, this is crazy, but...what if we try to have fun for the rest of the night?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively. “Huh...huh?”

Courtney laughed, pulling him in for another hug. “You’re so lame. I love you.”

“Me too, baby.”

“Do you wanna dance?”

Roy put his hand over his heart. “I would love to, but I don’t know that Spice Girls choreography.”

Courtney giggled and pulled him onto the dance floor. “Don’t taunt me, Del Rio, or I’ll make you learn. Dela’s leaving again Monday, and I think you’d be a really cute Sporty.”

“She is the butch one.”

“Good point. Maybe you should be Posh.”

Roy laughed and put his arms around her as the DJ switched to Usher and Alicia Keys singing “My Boo.” Courtney leaned her head on his shoulder, and sighed, glancing around the dance floor. She caught Adore’s eye and smiled at her. Adore raised a pink sparkly cup at her, holding her gaze for a long moment until Willam thumped her on the shoulder to get her attention back.

Courtney looked back at Roy, who flashed his dimples at her and kissed her softly. She felt a stab of guilt, remembering the other kiss she’d gotten that night. But, it didn’t mean anything, right? It was just a friendly kiss, her best friend trying to make her feel better.

She closed her eyes, insides twisting, stomach in knots. Because if she was really honest with herself, it wasn’t the kiss that she felt guilty about. It was that feeling, the moment Adore pulled away, of regret. She dug her fingers into Roy’s shoulders, and he held her tighter around the waist.

Suddenly, she couldn’t stop the tears and she was crying again. Roy cupped her face and kissed her cheeks. “What’s the matter, babe?”

Courtney shook her head.

“One of those ‘it’s my party, I’ll cry if I want to’ moments? Should I just leave it alone?” Roy asked.

Courtney nodded as Roy swiped a napkin from the dessert table and dried her eyes.

“Alright. Come here.” He pulled her close and she fell into his arms, unable to tear her eyes away from where Adore stood with Willam and Pearl, deep in thought.

Adore stirred her punch with a straw as she half-listened to whatever Willam was running his mouth about. She couldn’t believe that she had kissed Courtney, especially in the emotional state that the blonde had been in, but in that moment it had felt so right and that’s what made it all the more wrong.

Adore was a slave to her feelings, and it felt like the more she tried to run from them, the more intense and reckless they became when they caught up to her.

That’s the moment when the lights suddenly cut out and Karen wheeled in the giant birthday cake, decorated with a huge fuchsia bow, black and white stripes, and shiny silver stars. Everyone gathered around the birthday girl to sing, and Adore focused on the sparkler candles, glittering in the darkness.

Goosebumps rose on the back of her neck, the feeling of someone’s eyes on her pulling Adore from her thoughts.

Hazel eyes looked up to find bright green eyes staring back at her. Adore grew anxious, unable to interrupt the emotions behind Courtney’s piercing stare.

Adore wondered if she had fucked up and Courtney was mad at her or even worse, if Courtney knew Adore had feelings for her that she shouldn’t have.

Adore looked away, her chest growing tight as a million thoughts ran through her head.

Courtney continued to gaze at her best friend, unable to focus on the crowd, on her mother and everyone urging her to blow out the candles.

“Babe, make a wish…” Roy said, kissing her temple.

Courtney bit her lip, eyes falling closed as she blew out the candles, not daring to let herself form a coherent thought in that moment. Because if she did, she was afraid of what she might wish for. She opened her eyes back up, and everyone was cheering, while Kimmy began to slice up the cake.

Roy swept her up into his arms again while the lights turned back on and Tomas turned up the music, Beyoncé‘s “Baby Boy.”

Pearl handed a piece of cake to Adore, taking one for herself too. “Dude, let’s go ask the DJ to play ‘American Life.’”

“That song where Madonna raps about her household staff?” Willam asked skeptically.

“Yeah! It’s so good!”

“That’s fucking embarrassing, New Girl.”

“Adore, come on, back me up here! I mean, or ‘Hollywood’ is good too…” she mused.

“I think I’m gonna take off,” Adore murmured, setting her cup down and pulling her phone out of her back pocket, sending a text to Raja asking if she could get a ride so that they could hang out.

-

As the song finished, Courtney lifted her head from Roy’s shoulder, smiling at him. “Thank you,” she said, reaching up and touching his cheek with her gloved hand.

“Anytime,” he replied, flashing those killer dimples at her.

Courtney glanced over to where Adore had been standing, feeling an urge to clear the air, just to make sure everything was okay, but she was gone. She excused herself from Roy, leaving him with Darienne and Dela, and hurried over. To her dismay, Willam and Pearl both reported that they thought Adore had left, and so she tore through the backyard to Adore’s house, shouting her name, finding her leaning on the side of her garage.

Her pounding heart began to slow down as she caught her breath.

“Hi...sorry for yelling, I just…”

“No, it’s okay. Are you alright?” Adore asked.

“Yeah. Um…” Courtney licked her lips, adjusting her gloves awkwardly. “Willam said you left, and I just wanted to find you so I could...I wanted to say thank you. For...for the bracelet. And...everything.” Courtney took another step towards her, eyes soft and misty.

“You’re welcome. Happy birthday.” Adore’s own eyes still had the same inscrutable, slightly guarded expression they’d had earlier. But her smile was genuine.

Courtney wrapped her arms around Adore’s shoulders, burying her face into her friend’s neck and hugging her tightly.

“I love you, Dory.”

Adore closed her eyes, holding her close, trying not to be hyper-aware of the warm breath against her skin, the scent of her silky hair, the all too recent memory of the taste of her.

Her chest rose and fell rapidly. As if by some miracle, they were suddenly blinded by headlights as Raja’s car pulled into the driveway. Adore broke away from the hug, waving gratefully to her.

“Um, that’s my...I gotta go,” she told Courtney, who simply nodded. “Goodnight. The party was awesome. And I love you too!” She blew a kiss as she slipped into the car.

Raja tossed a cigarette out the window as she pulled out of the driveway.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Glad you texted.”

“Me too. I had to get out of there.”

“Not into the quinceanera fantasy?” Raja laughed.

Adore shook her head. “Been a long day.”

“Stressful?”

Adore looked over to Raja, the streetlights illuminating her features.

“Yeah,” Adore said, voice only slightly above a whisper, eyes flickering to Raja’s lips.

Pulling up to the stop sign at the end of the street Raja put the car in park, turning to face Adore.

“Well, we all do it. Have a big princess-like party; if we don’t want it our mom’s ‘ll make us,” Raja said lowly, leaning on the armrest.

“Really?” Adore asked, leaning on towards Raja, “Did you?”

“Mhm,” Raja smirked, eyes flickering to Adore’s lips, “My ma made sure that I had an extraaaavagant birthday party. I had a big turquoise dress, my hair done up, the works.”

Adore let out a breathy giggle, “You don’t look the type.”

“No?” Raja raised her eyebrows, slightly tilting her head and Raja’s warm breath hitting Adore’s face made Adore notice that they were closer than she realized. Lips inches apart.

“No.”

“Maybe when we get to my place…” Raja placed a sweet kiss on Adore’s lips-- that had her chasing Raja’s lips as she pulled away, “I can show you some pictures.”

Raja smiled innocently, but Adore wouldn’t let her get away. She needed to forget what happened earlier; she needed to forget her mistake, the way nothing seemed to matter, but them in the tree house. Adore leaned over the armrest, pulling Raja back towards her, pressing her lips into Raja’s harder than the first kiss, desperate to erase the way Courtney’s lips felt against hers. Raja could do that, Raja could make her forget and when the older girl nipped at her lip, Adore let her in.

The position was awkward with the armrest pressed between them, but the feel of Raja’s hands on her, tugging her closer was worth it. Adore gripped at Raja’s jacket, when they broke for air, Raja leaving kisses along Adore’s jaw before Adore guided Raja’s lips back to hers.

Before the kiss could deepen again the girls were scared apart by a horn beeping behind them. They looked up, both startled, as a car sped around them, the driver tossing them the finger.

“Damn, bro, calm down,” Raja said, and Adore giggled, arms sliding back around her neck.

“Come back here…”

[imagine-organization-xiii]

How would the guys react if the reader whispered ”I want to ride you” into their ear in public?

Sam and the others on Discord are pretty much the ones who do all the nsfw stuff for me now LOL

Xemnas

Would not pay the words any attention while out in public. And you BEST hope that no one else heard you say it. Because as soon as you get back to your quarters, or abandoned hallway, or really once anywhere you two are alone, expect your words to come back to haunt you. Lord Xemnas does not excuse misbehavior in his castle, from anyone. Yourself included. So… prepare for some serious torture.

“You wanted to… what was it again, my pet? I can’t seem to hear you. Beg for me and maybe you’ll get your wish.”

Xigbar

Probably will laugh as soon as the words leave your lips. And I’m not talking a light chuckle. I mean a good hearty laugh. One that anyone nearby will hear, along with some kind of comment about how you were  insatiable. But Xigbar wasn’t one to hold out on a good time. Within a second, the two of you are warped out of the public eye and to the nearest place that the two of you could be alone.  Of course this could be anywhere.

“Ahahaha! Aw babe! You’re an animal, huh? You little wild thing! Welp, Let’s get outta here, shall we?”

Xaldin

You whisper into the towering mans ear as you sat in his lap in the Grey Area. Normally, Xaldin wasn’t one for public affection, but today felt fairly special. But as soon as you finish your request, the dreadlocked man’s eyes go momentarily wide before choking on the air he was breathing and erupting in a giant coughing fit. He did not expect that. At all. BUT– he is not mad. Knowing that the one he loves wants him is like a little swell of pride. And after the coughing fades, the burly man chuckles softly to himself before taking your hand and carrying you bridal style to your chambers.

*cough* *cough* *cough* Oh dear… You really don’t like to pull punches, do you?“

Vexen

No one else was at the lab that day other than you, Vexen, and Zexion; the usual crew. You thought it was okay to be a little flirtatious with your dear partner. Well, you thought very wrong. You whispered naughty words in his ear and the blonde scientist gasped out in audible horror. You could swear his cheeks were also a shade of light pink.

To make matters worse, you then received a lengthy riot act on what was and was not appropriate for the workplace and how you were lucky that he, Vexen, would not be filing a report with upper management. You knew it was only because everyone knew you were an item and no one cared anymore. The real bummer here is that Zexion saw the whole berating and gave you a really grossed out look that teenagers give their parents when they flirt with each other.

”*Gaaaaaasp* Y/N!!!! That is hardly appropriate given our being in the laboratory! This is not something I should expect from someone of your rank and maturity, but i shouldn’t be surprised!“ And you kind of tune out because he rants for a long time.

Lexaeus

Doesn’t matter where you are. You could be alone at home with no one around. Doesn’t matter. You whisper that shit into Lexaeus’ ear and "The Silent Hero” turns into “The Silent Tomato”. But this of course, isn’t at home. It’s in the middle of the grey area with a ton of people around. So it’s worse.

The man is SO red. Redder than you had ever seen him! And you suddenly felt a pang of guilt for even thinking of saying it aloud and embarrassing him so much. Luckily, the only one who noticed was Xigbar, but that also meant that everyone else was going to find out soon too. Later that night, you apologize to the soft man, and you make up and make some soft lovin’s to make up.

“…It’s alright…  Knowing you want me… in that way Is reward enough…”

Zexion

This boy is so damn sweet. He is in the lab with Vexen and Lexaeus nearby when you decide to try and give him a little thrill. And not only does this kid turn a BEET red, oh no, his expression turns into one of pure momentary terror and quickly turns to face you, making small but frantic waves and urging you to be quiet. He then checks to see if anyone heard what you had said, and when things look all clear he turns back to you, far more relaxed. It was kind of like a child in fear of getting caught by his parents, or maybe he was just afraid for his coworkers to find out about his personal life? Either way, it was very, very cute!

"Ah! ShhHS ShhhS HHhh ShHhhshhh! ….. Ah.. alright… that was.. a close one.. Maybe.. we should talk about this later.. when no one is around…”

Saix

As you could expect, Saix is one to give a very hot and cold response to just about anything you do. You are in his favorite place by the window when you decide to whisper something spontaneous in his ear. At first, the man says nothing, simply staring at his clipboard as if nothing happened. You assume he didn’t hear you. And no one else for that matter. Oh well. But boy did he hear you.

As soon as whoever was in the room exits, the air changes. In one swift motion, the Luna Diviner has his hands on your shoulders and  has slammed your body up against the window. Hard. Honestly you’re surprised it didn’t shatter from the force.  The man looks deep into your eyes with his golden orbs, and snarls into your ear. And later that night, you are in a heap of trouble.

“Don’t you ever jeopardize our work like that again. Don’t you worry, I know when you want me. I can sense it. I know when your body aches and yearns and desires. But I am the one that will make the calls on where and when we take care of these things. And this place is Not it. You will know soon enough.”

Axel

You and the Sea Salt Trio sat on the clocktower, enjoying some Sea Salt Ice Cream, as you always did after a hard day of work was done. It was nice to be invited on outings like this sometimes, but as you sat on the towers edge, eating your ice cream and Roxas and Xion engrossed in a conversation about something, your mind went to places dark and steamy. Feeling a little adventurous, you lean over and whisper some sultry words into Axel’s ear.

It takes him a second to process what your saying, mindlessly nodding and ‘uh huh’-ing until he puts the sentence together in his mind. And as soon as it does, his expression changes and his cheeks turn a flushed pink as he covers his nose and mouth with his hand and looks away sheepishly. “Ah– Ah.. Oh.. come on.. you don’t mean that.. Don’t be messing with me like that..”

The kids suddenly have stopped with whatever conversation they were having and look over to see what has Axel in such a state. “Axel? What’s wrong? What did Y/N say?”

“Nothing! Nothing! She didn’t say anything! Come on, you two, its time to head back.” The two younger members groaned as they slowly stood to portal back home. And when they weren’t looking, you caught the redhead staring at you with an expression you couldn’t quite put your finger on. Later that night, you remind Axel of just how cute he looked, dumbstruck and embarrassed.“Alright.. Alright… You got me.. But next time, I’m not gonna be as startled. Got it Memorized?”

Demyx

Today, Demyx is doing what he usually likes to do when he isn’t trying to avoid work or hiding from superiors - was loudly practicing his sitar in the most inconvenient places in the castle. Today that inconvenient place was in the Cafeteria that Never Was. While most times, no one wanted to hear the Melodious Nocturne play, the Cafeteria was one of the places where people didn’t mind as much to hear music. People liked the atmosphere to listen to music as they ate their food and enjoyed small conversation.

You often liked to watch the boy play his music. It was one of the few times that he was truly at peace. But sometimes you got bored and wanted to throw Demyx off his rhythm. So, as he played on and on, you sneak behind the musician and get super close his ear, and whisper something sneaky into his ear. And under the guise of music, no one else could hear. Well, until the boys playing stops completely as the last word leaves your lips.He was still the only one who heard you, you were pretty sure. But with the sudden lack of music, all conversation and excess noise, stopped, turning all the attention to the little musician that is currently turning the deepest pink.

The silence permeated through the cafeteria. And as all eyes fell on him, the small boy let our a panicked squeak and the color on his cheeks started to phase from a pink color to a deep red. It was clear your words had an effect, but now it was a little much. You quickly took the musicians hand and led him out of the dining area and into one of the castles many abandoned hallways. You turn to face Demyx when you finally stop walking. It looks like he may cry. He’s embarrassed. Guilt-ridden, you give the boy a soft hug.

“You alright?” You ask.“Yeah.. I’m okay.. Did.. you really mean that? What you said in there?” You nod and suddenly, the weepy boy in front of turns back into the mischievous boy you adored. “Okay.. good. Because we’re going back to my room. It’s Demyx Time.”

Luxord

The Organization is, for the most part, a very serious organization with serious goals and aspirations. But when the work is over for the day, many of the members of the Organization like to relax and do things they enjoyed in their life. For some of the older members, that was meeting up on Friday nights in secret, and playing a few rounds of poker. This was Luxord’s idea, obviously, but win or lose, many of these members liked to play and forget work for even just the night.

The usual crew was there; Luxord, Xigbar, Xaldin, Lexaeus, and then there was you. Since it was Luxord’s event, you were graciously allowed to come to watch the games when you found out about them. This was unlike Demyx who found out and was immediately ignored when he asked to come along. But you enjoyed these games, and sometimes you even played a round or two.

Tonight, you watched as Luxord’s calloused hands dealt out the cards. Watching his fingers shuffle the cards with such precision and grace was something of beauty, but tonight it brought you to think of your own desires. As the Gambler of Fate watched upon his peers with a confident sneer, you crept over to stand behind him. You leaned down as he waited for his players to fold, and whispered the honey-laced words into his pierced ears.

There was a moment of silent as the sentence the gambler had started hung in the air to hear what his beloved had to say. There was another moment of silence in the room, the others only hearing nothing but your hushed and muffled whisper. And then the room erupted with Luxord’s hearty laugh. The others never did find out what the gambler was going to say before you interrupted him, as Luxord immediately called the poker night to an early end and left with to you to, they assumed, fuck the ever living shit out of you.

“Oh come on now, men! This is Poker!! You shouldn’t afraid to— …… ha HA Ha Ha! Is that so, Love? Alright, Gentlemen.  This has been a sheer delight, as always. But I suddenly have much better plans for the evening. So with that, I bid you goodnight. Come now, Love. We have business to attend to.”

Marluxia

While most of his free time is spent in the privacy of his personal garden, what many people outside of the org didn’t know was that Marluxia also frequently liked to read in the silence of the castles expansive library. And sometimes you liked to tag along!

Today, the two of you were not alone in the library however. Zexion, Xaldin, and Saix were all looking through the library, lost in their own books. Everyone, that is, except for you. You were bored. Reading was great but your mind was on… other things, so as Marluxia stood and walked to an aisle to take a new book, you decided to follow. As the slender man faced the shelf, you leaned up from behind him and whispered into the assassins ear.

At first, he doesn’t react, as if he didn’t hear you, but in a swift motion, Marluxia turned a full 180, grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you back that you’re pinned against the adjacent bookcase. All of this with the most grace and silence. Blue eyes met yours with a look of passion that sent a pang of desire straight to your loins. A long fingers made their way up, gently caressed your face and made their way, tangling into locks of your hair.  Then, the assassin leaned down, his sapphire eyes looking into your souls and making you feel as if  your body was on fire.

Lips locked. Hands wandered. It was exhilarating. There wasn’t much reading after that. Though getting caught kissing in the bookcases was not your plan of that day. Plus Zexion was kinda pissed to see you kissing on top of his books.“Aw guys… not again… can you.. can you not do that..? Ugh…”

“Don’t be jealous, kid. It’s alright.. there’s plenty of other places we could go…” And with a flurry of rose petals, you were gone, whisked away to somewhere you two could definitely be alone.

[radinaandreeva]

Cold Interview: Year of the Spider - By Therese McKeon (From: ShoutWeb.com)

Scooter Ward is an emotional guy. In fact, as frontmen go, you can't get much more emotional. With "Year of the Spider", the band's third release, you find yourself feeling sad, angry, and even a bit weepy along with the raw-nerved singer. Discovering the diverse layers of Cold's music is as refreshing as it is depressing. The carefully weaving of Scooter's haunting vocals intertwines powerful songs with lyrics that have remarkable substance. Shoutweb hooked up with Cold's leading man for an often teary-eyed discussion of the meaning behind the tracks on "Year of the Spider" and why he pours his heart into his songs.

Kelly Hayes • guitar Scooter Ward • vocals Jeremy Marshall • bass Sam McCandless • drums Terry Balsamo • guitar

Shoutweb: Hey, how are you feeling? I heard you were sick a while back?

Scooter: I had something wrong with my throat. I had to get a shot in there so I could sing.

Shoutweb: Did you have to cancel any dates?

Scooter: We cancelled one actually because of that. It was in Omaha I think. They stick a needle in your throat then they give you something so the pain from sticking the needle in your throat is okay. I was like, "You know what, man? I'm just sleeping tonight."

Shoutweb: You started out in the Boston area with shows. How is the new material live?

Scooter: We've been together for so long and I think everything is getting better. We finally got the right crew and everybody so everything is really good.

Shoutweb: In the past when I've seen you live, I know you were sometimes frustrated with not getting the sound right.

Scooter: We had a major problem with that but we've finally worked everything out now.

Shoutweb: That's awesome. The times I've seen you live, things that may sound fine to me I could tell were not sounding right for you.

Scooter: (with cell phone ringing)

Shoutweb: Do you need to get that?

Scooter: No, that's just Terry. Fuck him. (laughter) Whenever he wakes up, he calls me. I'm always like, "What? Did you need to tell me about your dreams?"

Shoutweb: (laughter) Or "I missed you!"

Scooter: Yeah, right. "I've got coffee over here for you, baby." (laughter) I don't know what to tell him. It's a total waste of time. He thinks something special happened.

Shoutweb: He doesn't want to miss out. (laughter)

Scooter: It's funny though.

Shoutweb: Are you like the Dad of the band? Is everybody always checking in?

Scooter: It seems like that. They all check in with me to see what's happening or what they need to do. But I don't mind.

Shoutweb: Are you militant in that way?

Scooter: I'm not militant in that way but I am in the "get your fuckin' job done" kind of way, you know? I do so much that I think that they feel kind of guilty sometimes. They are always saying, "Well, man, we'll do something." When I give them shit to do, they're really stoked.

Shoutweb: You run a tight ship there. "You gotta step up!"

Scooter: I'm like, "Come on, man. You want to do this? Let's do this."

Shoutweb: You guys haven't been on tour for a while. I know September 11th did not help matters.

Scooter: We toured right up until then. We did a little headlining tour with Flaw and Dope and then we kind of stopped.

Shoutweb: Then the Weezer tour that went sour.

Scooter: The Weezer show was actually on the same day as the September 11th events. We were supposed to start the tour that night. I remember we were all at the hotel down in the lobby watching shit go down that morning. I ate a biscuit and went back to bed. I said, "If shit's going to be going down, I'm going to be dreaming."

Shoutweb: (laughter)

Scooter: (laughter) Fuck it.

Shoutweb: I need to ask you a bunch of things about this record. I don't know if it's because I have the flu right now or what but I literally almost starting crying.

Scooter: Yeah, I think that's what it was made for. I think once people actually get the lyrics that I really sing instead of making them up on the web sites, then they'll know what I'm talking about. I think when they really get them, because the stuff I'm reading is crap. When you read the real thing, it is way worse. That's how we write. I think that's what we need to do. I just feel like we need to do that. It's good therapy for us and for our fans that are so much like us. It's good that they can express the pain through that.

Shoutweb: Are you solely responsible for the lyrics?

Scooter: Yes. The music pretty much tells me what to do.

Shoutweb: Musically, this record is great but lyrically it's even better.

Scooter: Well, I do a lot of the music too. I really work on the music with the band then I kind of separate myself and go to write lyrics. I focus on the music first because it tells us what to write for lyrics.

Shoutweb: Wow, it's amazing. It's all such a foreign process to me.

Scooter: Me too.

Shoutweb: I usually will first listen to a record when I get it and take notes and then I listen to it a few more times. But with this record, just to enjoy it is such a pleasure.

Scooter: Well, thank you very much.

Shoutweb: It's strange because it is still very depressing and emotional but it is refreshing at the same time.

Scooter: It was really opening up. This is a really personal record. Like I was saying, we've written records before and I've written records that are just story telling a lot. I draw those emotions from me and the band and I just went off farther and kind of developed stories for them. But on this record, it's pretty much really about our lives and really about what we're going through. If I start crying during this interview, because I do that all the time when I start talking about this.

Shoutweb: Are you serious?

Scooter: Yeah.

Shoutweb: You're going to make me cry too. Well, this is what I wrote down about the whole record in my notes. You cannot sing these words and have them ring true, unless these things have happened to you. Now, I didn't mean it to rhyme but basically there you go. That was the feeling that it left me with. This is just too much.

Scooter: It was kind of like that when we were making the record and I was writing the lyrics in Hawaii because I can't write in Los Angeles.

Shoutweb: Really? You can't?

Scooter: Yeah, I don't know why. It's really weird. There's something in the air. We can do music in Los Angeles but I can't write the lyrics in Los Angeles. I don't get it. What happens is, I would come in and write these songs and they would be totally different topics of what they are now. I spoke to Howard Benson before I did this record and I was like, "Dude, I'm gonna make you cry by the time I bring the song in because I want you to understand. I want you to really feel this with me. Because if you can't, then you can't produce this record." I would bring the songs in and he would tell me, "Man, it's almost there but it's not yet." He'd tell me, "I feel that but I don't feel that." What that did to me is just made me open up more. I knew when I was done. I came in there like, "All right mother fucker, this is it. You're going to love this." When I started playing it for him, he'd say, "Dude, it's over. Go ahead." He pushed me a lot so that was cool. I thank him for doing that because nobody's ever done that before. A lot of other producers will just let the band do what they do. They'll say, "Great! Sounds good!" They don't really discipline the vocals or the lyrics because they don't want to get the singer mad. Howard was saying, "Dude, you just told me what you wanted to do with this record. If you actually want to do this then you have to take my advice and you have to listen." His criticism was good.

Shoutweb: I watched the "Stupid Girl" video. You guys look cold!

Scooter: Initially, we wanted to play on a frozen river. They wouldn't let us do it because of the liability of having all the kids on black ice. We had to do it at an elementary school but we still did it where it was freezing. It was cold. We didn't want any Hollywood manufactured cold. If we were going to do it, we wanted to freeze just like everybody else.

Shoutweb: (laughter) But you are Cold so that works on many levels.

Scooter: Right. It seems to follow us. The first six dates of this tour were freezing.

Shoutweb: So, Rivers is guesting on that song?

Scooter: Yeah, I think he's on the pre-chorus. He actually did the first verse initially when he sent it to me. I was on the second verse because "wanna love ya, wanna bug ya"... I don't know but I kind of had a problem with singing that because that's really Rivers. The second verse, I could deal with.

Shoutweb: How did his involvement come about?

Scooter: I had written a Weezer riff in the studio and it sounded like a Weezer song. I couldn't come up with anything for the verses. I had the chorus but every time I played the chorus I heard Rivers voice in there freaking me out. I said, "I am going to send the music to someone who maybe could tell him." So, we went out to dinner a couple of times while we were making the record. He came to our house for parties and stuff. I was like, "Hey, man, you gotta hear this song." Finally, two weeks before the record was done I sent him the track and a week later he sent me back the "Stupid Girl" verses. I was stoked. I was like, "Let's do it." After hearing me sing on the second verse, he wanted me to sing the first verse too. He really likes my vocals a lot and told me that he would feel embarrassed having his own spot. We kind of fought about that for a minute but he won in the end.

Shoutweb: I'd really like to spend some time going through these songs. I don't want a record like this to get shoved in there with all the other records out there.

Scooter: That's cool. That's pretty much impossible for it to get lost.

Shoutweb: It's just a beautiful piece of work.

Scooter: When we play the live shows now, and when people listen to the record. I mean, this is our third record and, even on previous tours where people have heard our record before, there is just no feeling like there is now. When we play live, I have such a different feeling. It feels perfect. This is finally what we wanted to do. It has just that much emotion that we wanted to put out. I think it's undeniable. I really don't think that anybody can say that it's a bad record. If they do, I will be like, "I don't know what you're listening to right now, bro." I don't get it.

Shoutweb: By the time I got to tracks eight and nine, forget about it. I hit "Rain Song" and I just lost it. But let's not jump ahead. "Remedy", to me, has almost a punk rock vibe.

Scooter: With "Remedy" we used the old Cold vibe, like off the first record, the song "Give". We kind of wrote the music around that. One thing with the records we make, we always do it for us but we also do it for our fans. We don't want to feel like we're short-changing them. All of these bands seem to totally change their format like Korn and other bands bringing in crazy beats and rappers and weird stuff. We're going to have songs that are mainstream on this record. Our music has developed and that's just going to happen but at the same time we wanted to incorporate elements of the first two records. We didn't want to get pigeonholed by people saying that we totally changed and sound totally different. Because it's not. It's the same, just better.

Shoutweb: There is this drum/bass thing going on that I love. What are the lyrics about?

Scooter: Lyrically, it's about wanting to be an individual. Throughout my life, I've always had people... I'm not the best person in the world and I have my mistakes just like anyone else. It's just about other people. When you make a mistake or you do something or sometimes you're not sure if it's a mistake or not. You're saying to yourself, "Am I wrong or is this my life?" I've valued people's opinions all my life but I really don't give a fuck. It's about being an individual and about saying, "I'm doing this on my own and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out."

Shoutweb: "Suffocate" has a female vocal on it.

Scooter: That's Sierra Swan. She was on our second record "13 Ways To Bleed On Stage". She was on a song called "Witch" and "No One". She's just a really good friend of mine. She's been a friend of mine for the last seven years. I saw her play a little club in L.A. and she sounded like Susie Sue to me. I just fell in love with her. I was just like, "Dude, you have to sing with me." She is like the sixth member of our band. Actually, she got signed on Atlantic Records and she's working with The Neptunes right now. She's supposed to have a record coming out in the Fall.

Shoutweb: "Suffocate" seems pretty straightforward.

Scooter: That is one of the most straightforward songs. It's about a relationship where you feel smothered and suffocated. Sometimes when you're in a position like I am, you have people who will be your friend or try to be your friend just because of what you're doing. You lie and you fake. I'm just kind of going, "Fuck, I really thought that you were sincere and that you were trying to be cool. In the end, it's to benefit you." I guess I'm going to run across those people my whole life. I write songs about them so I it's all right.

Shoutweb: Good therapy.

Scooter: I always figured that I could read people really well. I did a good job for a while. At a certain point, there are a lot of people and you're judgment gets a little clouded as to who these people are and what they want to be in your life. Your filters aren't out and you let a lot of people in and weed out the bad ones.

Shoutweb: Even good people turn ugly. It's like "The Lord of the Rings" when you get obsessed with the ring "my precious".

Scooter: Exactly.

Shoutweb: "Cure My Tragedy (A Letter to God)" is definitely powerful.

Scooter: When I was going to write this record, my sister was dying of cancer. (pause) It started in her ovaries and then went into her brain. It started taking over her body.

Shoutweb: I'm sorry to hear that.

Scooter: The hardest thing for me was to be away from her. She's my little sister. She's 27 so she's not little but she'll always be my little sister. It was really hard to be away from her because I've been there trying to protect her my whole life. When something like this happens, there is nothing you can do except for hope. I was away doing the record and I really wanted to be there for her and be with her through the chemo and stuff. She would call and be crying and be all upset about it. It was really hard for me to be on the other side of the country. Making a record really meant nothing to me at that point. I was like, "This is crap. I gotta be home with my sister." She was like, "You can't do that. It means a lot to me. Just write a song for me." (long pause) And I did. It's kind of like a letter to God saying, "If you made the world a stage for me then..." (pause) What kind of happened was amazing. Right when the record was done, and I gave her the song, it left her brain and it's clearing up now so it's kind of amazing.

Shoutweb: Oh my goodness. The power of prayer, even in a song.

Scooter: Yeah, it's weird. Now the next time you hear that song, it will have a totally different meaning.

Shoutweb: Thank you for sharing that.

Scooter: I have to do this. I checked with everybody that I was writing these songs about and I was like, "It might be painful for me to bring this stuff up and write songs about it."

Shoutweb: "Stupid Girl" is more of a lighter theme.

Scooter: "Stupid Girl" was a chance for me to breathe kind of. I was like, "Rivers, thank you!" I don't have to fuckin' cry or think about the dark side of everything on this song. When he sent me those lyrics, the second verse still sounds like a Cold verse to me and the chorus definitely does so it's still Cold in a lot of ways. I detach myself from it because he did the verses so it definitely means something to me but not as much as the other ones. I don't know what his version of "Stupid Girl" is but I think I have a version. My version of it and what I see through it is that you could just be a total piece of trash and at the same time, you don't know that you are. You have this person that's going to leave you and you don't have any idea why. A lot of people are blind to the fact that they are idiots.

Shoutweb: (laughter) Funny.

Scooter: (laughter) You know? I don't know. It's going to be funny because I'm sure a lot of people are going to hear the "Stupid Girl" hook and say, "Hey, it's about a stupid girl." But not really. It's about a stupid man, that doesn't know he's stupid.

Shoutweb: "Don't Belong" has that light, squeaky guitar.

Scooter: "Don't Belong" was pretty much about me growing up. I was always a little odd compared to other people and really quiet. I have people come up to me and them saying, "He's such an asshole because he doesn't talk" or "We see him out and he just sits there." Well, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know what to do to you to make you think and make you understand that I'm all right. It's about everybody's pre-conceptions about me or certain things that have happened to us. It's just feeling like we don't belong. I don't even go out to clubs anymore or anything because when I do I feel like an idiot. I have drunk people coming up to me saying crazy shit. I just don't feel like I belong there. It's the same thing when I go to L.A. I just don't feel like I belong with those kinds of people. It's so fake and so untrue. I'm trying to be as true as I can to people. For them to be sitting there with me at the same table and be affiliated with me kind of freaks me out. I usually say, "Well, this is the business part of it. I'm just going to have to deal with these people to do what I want to do with this music in order to put it out." I think it's just about not feeling that I'm a part of what they think I'm a part of.

Shoutweb: "Wasted Years" has a lot layered vocals, which come across very powerful to me.

Scooter: "Wasted Years" is pretty much. I've had a lot of problems with alcohol and drugs at times in my life. I was ashamed of myself at points. I've always been the guy who knows that he has problems. Nobody ever had to tell me, "Man, I think you've got a problem." I would wake up the next morning and say, "Man, I've got a fuckin' problem!" I know that I was fucked up. I always tried to fix myself but I'd always fall back sooner or later and go right back to the same bullshit that I was doing before. I feel like I've wasted so much time in my life by doing that. It's amazing because I'll probably still fall back again. I think that's actually part of who I am so I don't know if I care if I do. Hopefully, one day I'll be better but I don't know. It's really about my personal life and just how I feel about me. "Betraying life was the life I betrayed with the shape that I'm in." It's hard. It's not easy to win. I think that maybe things would have been better if I would have been more focused and sober and blah, blah, blah but... that didn't happen. What's the condition I'm in now because of what I've done?

Shoutweb: Do you have any regrets?

Scooter: The regrets that I have are people that I may have hurt in the period of time that it was happening. That's probably it. The people that I probably have affected throughout that time.

Shoutweb: Tell me about "Whatever You Became".

Scooter: "Whatever You Became" is about whenever we tour on the road. We meet all these people. It's cool and a lot of them are like friends. They're not really like fans. I don't think of them as fans. I think of them as like a family thing.

Shoutweb: A lot of those friends are complaining because they were putting live MP3s on the web site and they got banned from the boards.

Scooter: Really? They were putting live MP3s out?

Shoutweb: Yeah, I was asking people if they had any questions for you and they said, "Ask him what he thinks about them banning us from the boards!" It was the new material.

Scooter: I think that's pretty cool to put those out there as long as they're live versions. That is unless the sound is total shit. They may have heard the sound quality and said fuck that. I didn't know about that. What was I saying?

Shoutweb: You were telling me about "Whatever You Became".

Scooter: Oh, yeah. We meet these friends and we become friends with them over the years and we leave them the next night. It's like seeing your family for a quick visit and then you have to jet. You never know what happens to these people or if you'll ever see them again. I think I take everything too personally. I love everybody too much. And I really care about how they feel and how they're dealing with what they're going through. It's just kind of strange.

Shoutweb: You have a big heart.

Scooter: I know. It's a curse.

Shoutweb: Some people say that artists in general feel more deeply than other people. They have those extra sensors that are out there all the time. They either block everything out and become very introverted or they absorb everybody else's problems and emotions.

Scooter: I almost wanted to do that for a minute. And then I was like, "Why would I do that?" Let's be the first rock band that actually makes everybody feel welcome and everybody feel like they're really a part of something instead of coming to see some guy on stage and wondering. Because when I was a kid, rock stars were unapproachable. They were kind of in mystery land. They appeared, played, and then went back to heaven or something. With this new record and the way we're doing this, I was like, "You know what? Why don't we be the first rock band that can really be there for our fans and really do this?" Because they're the most important thing to us besides the music and I don't want to fuck up either one of those things. I know that might be a lot to have on our plate but I have nothing else to do on my schedule today.

Shoutweb: (laughter) That's funny. "Can You Feel" is that changed?

Scooter: "Can You Feel" is actually called "Sad Happy". I changed the name. It's about this girl that followed around a little bit on the tour. She was by herself and she was really scaring me because she was getting rides from truck drivers and shit. She was offering favors to them and stuff. It was really scary. After a couple of shows I said, "Sweetheart, what are you doing? What's going on?" She said, "Well, I have to follow you." And blah, blah, blah. She started telling me her story and she told me that her father had molested her. (pause) And he had been raping her for her whole life. She was doing anything to follow us around. I told her, "You're 18 years old now and I don't know if that's cool to bring somebody out with us. I wish you could get focused. If you need help, I'll give it to you." I had given her some money to start out and get an apartment and maybe help her land a job. I kind of looked out for her but at the same time it was really emotional for me to deal with that and her going through that. I was feeling that I was the guy that was supposed to make everything better. I tried. I guess I did kind of do that because she's better now and she's away from him. In the song, I had written about her getting revenge on him. She burns him in a fire. (long pause) It's hard to re-hash that kind of shit.

Shoutweb: Those lyrics - wow! They mean a lot already but when you know the story that goes with it. "I will be strong, I will sing." That's about when I lost it.

Scooter: It happens. And then the "Can you feel" part in the bridge. That's probably definitely where it got to you. I was like, "Can she even feel anymore?" Because I would be numb if something happened to me like that. I was screaming, "Can she feel?"

Shoutweb: We got it easy.

Scooter: I had a great family. I really had a great, great family. It really freaks me out when people tell me stories because I know the things that happen. My pain comes from friends on drugs and fuckin' my whole life and just things around me. Definitely my family was always there to support me even though a lot of times I didn't want them to because I was so fucked up. I was the cool kid and I wouldn't take it from them or I always thought they were wrong or talking shit. I was like, "Whatever! You guys don't know what you're talking about. I'll figure this out." But obviously now, you understand that they were right.

Shoutweb: "Rain Song" has a violin sound in there. Is that what that is?

Scooter: Actually, it's keyboards. We just put it in there. Howard helped us find a good sound and we just used that. "Wasted Years" actually has thirteen violinists on it. It's the real deal but on "Rain Song" we just kind of through some keyboards in there. I'm a big Cure fan and I always incorporate that stuff into the music a little bit. I thought it was a little cooler in there.

Shoutweb: What is "Rain Song" about? Scooter: "Rain Song" is about... Actually it's weird because from my condo I can see it. It's about a block away where it happened from my balcony. When I had just gotten out of high school, my friend Jack and Becky had moved in together. They had gotten fucked up one night and when they went to bed an electrical outlet shorted or something and caught their curtains on fire. They had gotten burned alive. (pause) I was at my parents house sleeping and I remember that it was pouring down rain that morning. The phone rang and my Mom was like, "Oh my God." I knew it. I knew something had happened to one of my friends again. She came in and told me that Jack and Becky were in the hospital in the intensive care unit and that their bodies were burned and they don't think they're going to make it. I just remember the rain pouring down that rain and every time it rains, I think about her. (crying... again)

Shoutweb: So, there is no having to dig deep for these lyrics or themes. These are right on the surface for you. Raw.

Scooter: No. And after I tell you the story and you hear the song again, you'll definitely feel it too.

Shoutweb: So, no wonder Hawaii is a good place for you to write. It rains every day there.

Scooter: Actually, it's been raining a lot lately. It rained here this morning. Maybe I'll move somewhere that it doesn't rain.

Shoutweb: Speaking of rain, the next song is "Kurt". I am assuming that is about Kurt Cobain.

Scooter: That song is actually called "The Day Seattle Died". And it really wasn't for just Kurt. It was for Layne Staley actually. We were touring with Jerry Cantrell on the first record and we went to Seattle to play a Halloween show. Sean Kenny was with us and we wanted to meet Layne Staley because he was my idol. He was such a sick man at that point. They were like, "Man, he doesn't come out of his house." They finally got him to come out and get dressed up because it was Halloween. He got in a little costume and snuck in up there and nobody knew who he was. He sat down with me and hung out. It was amazing but at the same time, it was heartbreaking to see my idol looking like an 80-year-old man. It was really weird. It was the same thing with Kurt. I was driving home from work one day in Atlanta and I heard the news and I had to pull off the road. It hurt my heart. I'm just kind of talking about the impact that they had on everybody and the music industry and people's lives. When I sing, "We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor" I mean that because when I heard that I could totally just see it. I was just thinking, "That's not cool. What the hell just happened here?"

Shoutweb: Oh, I thought you were saying, "We could all feel the shock when you hit the floor."

Scooter: No, it's "We could all feel the shotgun hit the floor. Never mind the faith if you can't believe."

Shoutweb: I can hear that Seattle sound in that song.

Scooter: That's a big influence on us so I think that always rings true a little somewhere in our songs.

Shoutweb: So what about "Change The World"? It's not the "End of the World."

Scooter: We're always doing something with the world in a Cold record. "Change The World", okay, it's better now. (takes a deep breath) It's about affecting people's lives and not being able to deliver. Some times people expect so much from you and you're going, "Hold on a second." I never wanted to change the world. Everything's cool and everything's good but what did you expect me to do actually? Some times they expect too much from you and it's a little shocking. I try to be there for them as much as I can but some times I can't.

Shoutweb: Do you feel burdened?

Scooter: I don't feel burdened. When I have a lot of problems going on personally in my life and when I get everything else dumped on me too, it is a little heavy. You're like, "Hold on a second. I can't take much more." At the same time, I'm saying, "Wait a second. This is what you set out to do and this is what you wanted to do. Don't be a chump." I try to be strong for a lot of people but I am very weak inside, you know?

Shoutweb: What is "Black Sunday" about?

Scooter: "Black Sunday" is about my girlfriend, a few years ago. She was in a relationship and got married and had a little baby. Two weeks after the baby was born, it died in the crib.

Shoutweb: My Lord.

Scooter: I am with her through all this pain. I know what she goes through. It's really hard to take sometimes. I don't know what to do when things come up with babies and stuff like that. It's amazing and I just can't understand how a human being can handle it. I have a little girl and if anything ever happened to her, I don't what I would do. So, this is just a song for her. The whole time when people tell me these things, I talk to them about it but I guess I don't let them know that I really understand. I just try to give them positive vibes and solve the problem. I just say, "We can do this or that and hopefully everything will be better." The whole time knowing that it's really not going to be better but I'm trying to make it more positive. This was a song to her to let her know that I really understood what is going on. All those nights that she cried and all those nights that she talked about it, that I really, really understood where she was coming from.

Shoutweb: So, I guess you might call this a personal record!

Scooter: Definitely. There are not a lot of personal albums out there right now. I think it's a lot better than listening to a song about going to high school and getting a girlfriend.

Shoutweb: "Kill The Music Industry" is interesting.

Scooter: "Kill The Music Industry", now that's a good one! (laughter)

Shoutweb: (laughter) The machine gun noises are amusing only because of the title of the song.

Scooter: Actually, when we let the record company hear it, that was really funny because we were in the studio and they listened to it. I just looked at the look on their faces and said, "What do you think about that?" They said, "That is really fuckin' something buddy." I said, "It's not targeting you guys, you people sitting in this room. I'm just trying to target the whole music industry as a whole." The music industry says, "Well, this is what's hot right now. Let's shove it down everybody's throat." What they're shoving down people's throats and for the past year I can't stand. Everything is so monotonous and boring and unfeeling. When we write songs and when I write lyrics, if I don't get that chill down my spine then I don't think to put a song out like that. If it doesn't do anything for you then why would you want to share that with the world? But a lot of bands just fuckin' re-hash bullshit and good for them because some are very successful at it. I just think it's crap. I don't blame the bands because they're just doing it and maybe that's all they know how to write about. I blame the music industry because they force it on me. Some of the lyrics are, "They think they've changed your faith. They've gone too far. They mame the way you see. They think they'll can your life and control your mind but they can't relate to real life."

Shoutweb: And I know exactly what you're talking about.

Scooter: You know. If you know any big wigs in the music industry then you know what I'm talking about.

Shoutweb: Who is that singing in the background on that?

Scooter: We had a party. We had the guys from AM Radio, which is Rivers from Weezer's new band. We had the guys from Adema come out. They were all working in the same studio too so we just had a big party so they were all out there. A new band out of Jacksonville called Burn Season was there. Sierra Swan and her whole crew were there. We just got a bunch of people together and had a good time. We had fun doing that song in the studio. It's actually on the DVD. You can see it when it comes out. It's pretty funny.

Shoutweb: When does that come out?

Scooter: We have a DVD that's coming out with the CD. It's from the beginning of "Year of the Spider" to right now. You get to see the making of the "Stupid Girl" video and all that. The two weeks of shows we did. It's really cool but it's sad too. I didn't want another DVD out there where it's just like bands partying. We really don't party that much. We're more about the emotions and the music so I said, "Why don't we make an emotional DVD to go along with the emotional record?" So, everybody feels this too.

Shoutweb: Wow, that's awesome.

Scooter: Well, we have to do these things now. We have to sell CDs.

Shoutweb: Kids were asking about the artwork and the Chinese symbol. Is that the symbol for spider?

Scooter: No, that's the symbol for Cold. When we started this thing with the spider, it was kind of amazing because we didn't know that two thousand kids were going to go get it tattooed on there bodies. All these people have the Cold tattoo now. So, we said, let's do something new. So now there is a new tattoo out. So we all got the new tattoo for the "Year of the Spider" record. It's a way to be in touch with your fans and have something to share with them.

Shoutweb: You had fans sending in pictures of their tattoos for a possible cover?

Scooter: It never said it was going on the cover. Sometimes thirteen-year-old kids think that they understand what I was writing on there. I never said the cover but I always said it would be on the album. When you open it up, the two sleeves are the tattoo photos.

Shoutweb: I wanted to answer some questions from fans. What is the song "Serial Killer" about?

Scooter: I was trying to put myself in a child's place. I tried to feel what it would be like to be abducted by a serial killer, get away, and then look for him later in life or see him later in life and bring back all that emotion that happened when I was a kid. It was a story something like that.

Shoutweb: Some kids love to hear the old songs.

Scooter: We've played those songs so many times live. You just kind of get bored. With the new record and every time we make a new record, we always love the new stuff and we want to play that more. We'll always throw in songs off the old record but we would throw the singles off more because that's the way the business is. Until we have a big headlining tour, we only have 45 minutes to get it all in. We always want to put out the best songs and most emotional songs that we feel we have right now instead of going back seven years.

Shoutweb: "Year of the Spider" was a title you guys chose a while ago.

Scooter: After we made the record, we were thinking about what to call it. I said, "Dude, we're going to call it the year of the fuckin' spider because all of our friends have surpassed us and done great. I think we've made a record that is just as good if not better than all of theirs. I said, "Let's call is Year of the Spider because this is going to be it."

Shoutweb: What's happening touring wise?

Scooter: We're bringing Finger Eleven out with us because they're good friends of ours. Their music is really emotional too. We do 22 shows with Staind.

Shoutweb: Thank you for spending so much time with me.

Scooter: You're welcome. Thanks and take care.

http://www.geocities.ws/sadhappysite/interview3.html

[cortexifansquint]

                        matching pairings & annotations under the cut!

                                             Youtube (x) Spotify ( x)

Buffy / Cordelia / Willow

*  Cloud 69 // Lowell

I'm like dynamite / need a cheerleader / let me throw you down / while I look at her / I'm like "Oh my god / I think I need a girlfriend"

*  Crazy // Au Revoir Simone

you knew me, wanna love to lose and to lose again / seems we're either giving up or giving in / but, uh, you girls, you drive me crazy

Willow / Tara

* There’s a Girl // The Ditty Bops

there's a girl that you might know / she's a friend at least I tell you so / but it might surprise you to find / there's something going on behind the door

* Horizon // Luna Blake 

you tower over me / you are sky and I am sea 

* Truthfully // Lisa Loeb

truthfully, I really can't explain / I'm floating, I'm smiling again 

* Room // Palehound 

she comes over / growing like a clover / in my room / in my room

* Sugar in a Pie //  Erin McKeown

love me sweet like a sugar in a pie / kiss me deep with a dreamy little sigh

Faith / Buffy

* Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover // Sophie B. Hawkins 

that old dog has chained you up, alright / give you everything you need to live inside a twisted cage / sleep beside an empty rage / I had a dream I was your hero

* Hologram // Katie Herzig

I'm gonna let you down / gonna toss you around / gonna make you want everything you haven't found / I'm gonna hold your hand / then ask you to stand / ten feet away

* Buy her Candy

she's a famous / she's the best / I cannot lay / my heart to rest / she is selfish / she is kind / no one can say / she is mine

* Nights with you // MO

I'll take you out tonight / leave it all at home / don't care about your boyfriend waking up alone

* Portions for Foxes// Rilo Kiley

'cause you're just damage control, for a walking corpse like me, like you (S6 Fuffy edition)

* Last 2nd Chance // Vaughan Penn 

this is the last second chance I’ll ever need / this is the last time you’ll hear sorry from me

Buffy / Cordelia-

* More like you // Hazel English

I could waste all of my time / thinking up ways to catch your eye / and I tried but it just didn’t feel right / and besides I'm just trying to get by

* She // Dodie 

and I'll be okay admiring from afar / cause even when she's next to me / we could not be more far apart  (late S1 - mid S2 coffy, either pov)

* Can’t / Naaz 

in my mind / I can be what we choose / but in life / we can't stand in those shoes

* Midway // Bad Bad Hats 

the shadows you were casting nearly swallowed the night /  but god, I could have kissed you (I imagine this as the night Cordelia drops Buffy home in Helpless or sometime in mid-late S3)

* Touch //  Shura 

I wanna touch you but I'm too late / I wanna touch you but there's history / I can't believe that it's been three years / now when I see you, it's so bittersweet  (if either had showed up in L.A or Sunnydale after Buffy was resurrected)

Tara / Buffy

* If I Could // Sophie Zelmani 

If I could help you with /  this part of life you've got to live /  you could load your weight on me

* Our Eyes // Lucy Rose 

I'm alive / I feel it now / I never knew I'll find it on you / out of line we got ourselves / in a look, wait we are not fine / wait, you are not mine 

* Wire // Alessi Ark 

I'm tired of walking this wire / it keeps me awake for heaven sake / I was made for this girl / I feel lonely / my friends don't seem to know me / like i thought they did

Willow / Cordelia

* Upper West Side // King Princess

I can't stop judging every thing you do / but I can't get enough of you

* Then If I’m Weird I Want to Share // Tender Forever

people told me / that you're too sexy / you're too sexy for me / but actually I just don't care / I think it's bullshit everywhere

Buffy / Willow

* Loners // Maddie Ross

one night alone in the bookstacks / summer to make all the kids sad / next fall we're back in the corner / nice girls love kissing the loners

* Ray of Sunshine // Go Sailor 

yellow hair, fiery stare / nothing's right, 'cause she's not here tonight 

* Explosion // Zolita 

it's a mindless love affair / one hot mess of bleach blonde hair / I could kiss her but your lips taste better / you could kiss him but my words are sweeter

* Sweet Moon // Sundarta 

when the world is big and I’m alone / I call you and I am home

Faith / Tara

* Will You Be My Girlfriend // Alanis Morissette 

I guess I fall and you stay intact is that right? I guess you hear me and won't attack me, is that right? guess I reach out and you reach back, is that right?

* Not gonna Get Us // T.at.u 

soon there will be laughter and voices / beyond the clouds over the mountains / we'll run away on roads that are empty / lights from the airfield shining upon you (teenage runaway mehane)

* Love you Anyway // Jil Nisson & Marlene

I know what you've been getting / coz I sure got it too / don't, don't you forget it / the damage they do

* Walk The Line // Halsey

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine / I keep my eyes wide open all the time / I keep the ends out for the tie that binds / because you're mine, I walk the line

Willow / Amy

* Wherever We Are // Human Life

after the day we're chasing the sun / farther away the faster we run / feet on the ground our head in the stars / finding the sound wherever we are

* When We’re High // LP 

let’s swallow the moon and the stars / let’s wallow just right where we are

Amy / Faith

* Whiskey & Black Leather // Sapphic Lasers

some they want a girl next door / but that ain't what I'm looking for / I first saw your lips across the room / red like a blood moon

* Her Lover // Ally & Stevie 

she is like a cat in the dark / and then she is the darkness

* High Enough // K Flay 

don’t try to give me cold water / I don’t wanna sober up / all I see are tomorrows / oh, the stars were made for us

Cordelia / Anya

*  Only a Girl // Gia

soft touch, warm skin / nothing like my ex-man / slowly falling, I don't want my next man

* I Don’t Do Boys // Elektra 

I don't do boys, I just do girls / just do girls with style and class / I don't do boys, I just do girls / just do girls with kissable ass

Fuffy / Radison

* One More // Elliphant 

stay with me tonight / we can count the street lights / stay with me alright let's bring it all back to life (bad girls & smashed shennanigans)

Dark Willow / Anyanka + Darla / Drusilla + Lilah / Cordelia (Jasmine possessed version)

* Glory & Gore // Lorde

delicate in every way but one, / God knows we like archaic kinds of fun / chance is the only game I play with / baby, we let our battles choose us 

“ Your Lips are Red // St. Vincent

this city's red / this city's red from riding us into the ground / this city's black / this city's black from all the ashes in downtown

Willow / Anya

* Wishful Thinking // The Ditty Bops 

when the cold and lonely hours put your heart to the test / maybe I'll be the one that you like best (S7 Rosekins)

* The Happy Song // Kate Miccuci 

'cause isn't it nice to have the friends that you do? / and isn't it nice that the sky is so blue? / and isn't it nice to say "I love you"? (the cheery & matter -of-factly style of this song reminds me of anya)

Faith / Willow

* So-Called Str8 Grrrl // Gina Young

I think you want me / you know you want me / so why do you talk shit about me

* She’s so Lovely // The Butchies 

she's a rocker dressed like a killer / she's got lips like wine not sugar 

* Sum of your parts // Mary Lambert

I didn't know I was a phoenix till I learned how to speak / even with ashes in my mouth I was still born to breath / I wonder are you like me

* All I Want is To Be Your Girl // Holly Miranda

Well there's ghosts in the night and ghosts in my mind / and if we quit changing we'll be left behind / but I won't take another chance of screwing it up / so I stay where I am / but all I want is to be your girl

Buffy / Satsu

* Cliff’s Edge // Hayley Kiyoko

you turn me on / you lead me on / you got me on / a cliff's edge (satsu’s pov)

* One Night // Charlie XCX 

you are somethin’ special / twenty carats, solid gold / what we had was precious / but I had to let you go

Cordelia / Lilah

* Short Skirt, Long Jacket // Larkin Poe

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond / I want a girl who knows what's best I want a girl with shoes that cut / and eyes that burn like cigarettes

Fuffy + Willow / Kennedy

* We Might be Dead by Tomorrow // Soko

give me all your love / ‘cause for all we know / we might be dead by tomorrow

Kendra / Buffy

* Eleventeen // Kimya Dawson

you may feel strange, well, you are an angel / stuck in tight pants stuck at a high school dance / stuck doing people things not knowing you have wings

* Supergirl // Anna Naklab

you can see in her eyes / that no one is her chain / she's my girl / my supergirl

Cordelia / Faith

* Can I Say Baby // GIRLI 

can I say baby? / I don't wanna be soppy / but I like your style / think you're kinda cool / I'm sort of into you

* Rebel Girl // Bikini Kill 

rebel girl rebel girl / I think I want to take you home / I want to try on your clothes

* Flowers and Rope // Princess Nokia

voices in my head, monsters under my bed / I'm alone again, I lost all my friends / wanna play pretend? hope this never ends

Fred / Faith

* Whiskey // Nicole Reynolds

you accept that i talk too much / i accept that you talk too little / but it's fine / i like a good riddle

In the Margins // Ani Difranco

you are a rare bird / the kind i wouldn't even mind / writing in the margins of my books

Willow / Kennedy

* Pretty Girl // Hayley Kiyoko 

I can tell you’re real smart / world class piece of art / I can see you in the dark / all we have to do is start

* Let it Go // Allie Moss 

darlin' you see / the fear in me / and how I'd finally be / if I were willing to let it go

Buffy / Anne

* Annonymous Club //  Courtney Barnett 

let's start an anonymous club / I'll make us name badges with question marks

* Hideaway // IVY 

under stars and satellites / a thousand miles / from where we've been

Willow/Fred + Buffy/Tara

* I Was Made for Sunny Days // The Weepies

I was made for sunny days / and I was made for you

Faith / Kennedy

* Crimson and Clover //  Joan Jett & the Blackhearts 

ah, now I don't hardly know her / but I think I can love her

“ Honey // Kehlani

I like my girls just like I like my honey; sweet / a little selfish

Cordelia / Fred

* Genius // The Murmurs

she's kinda weird / she's kinda freaky / but I don't know / I think she's a genius

* There she goes // Sixpence None the Richer 

there she goes / there she goes again / racing through my brain / and I just can't contain / this feeling that remains

[leiascully]

if you're taking fic requests (sorry if you're not) could you write a post-revival fic where william is staying with mulder and scully in the unremarkable house and mulder wakes up in the middle of the night hearing william wandering around downstairs having gotten up to let daggoo out and also he couldn't sleep and he and mulder talk

Timeline: Post Season 11Rating: PGCharacters: Jackson, Mulder, DaggooA/N:  Better late than never?

The floor creaks and Mulder is awake instantly.  Scully just mumbles and turns over as he eases out of bed.  He doesn’t know how she sleeps through these things.  Maybe she’s just more righteous than he is, or maybe it’s his lifetime of insomnia still nudging him out of his dreams.  Maybe it’s the pregnancy.  She has seemed exhausted lately.  He picks up his weapon from the bedside table and pulls a clip out of the drawer.  Better safe than sorry, he thinks as he slots it in.  They’ve had more than a few unwelcome visitors the past few years.  He slides his feet into his slippers and pads down the hallway.  At least he wasn’t sleeping in the nude tonight.

There’s definitely someone in the house.  There’s a light on in the kitchen and Mulder can see a shadow.  Daggoo is barking quietly, these little excited sounds.  He doesn’t sound upset.  Mulder creeps down the stairs one at a time, sliding the clip into his weapon.  

“It’s just me,” Jackson says as Mulder comes down the stairs.   Mulder knocks the clip back out of his weapon and tucks the weapon and the clip in separate pockets of his pajamas.  Jackson stands in the doorway to the kitchen, Daggoo’s leash in his hand.  Daggoo prances beside him, and Jackson stoops to pick up the little dog.  Daggoo licks at his face and whines.

“I didn’t know you were here,” Mulder tells him.  

Jackson shrugs.  “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, buddy,” Mulder says.  “But text next time.  Send a psychic message.  Postcard.  Skywriting.  Whatever.”

“I see why she likes you,” Jackson says.  “The dog needed to go out.”

“Daggoo,” Mulder says.

“Excuse me?” Jackson says.  It’s hard to think of him that way.  It’s hard not to call him William, especially when Mulder can see himself in that face.  Mulder wishes he could sling his arm around his boy, ruffle his hair, all that dad shit.  He didn’t know what he was giving up when he left.  

“Daggoo,” Mulder repeats.  “The dog.  Daggoo.  It’s a Moby Dick thing.”

“Call me Ishmael.”  Jackson nods.  “On an insane quest to reclaim your manhood.  I get it.”

“Scully named it,” Mulder says.  “Her dad - your grandfather - he was in the Navy.  It was their thing.  He called her Starbuck.”

“Like the coffee?” Jackson asks.

“Like the first mate in Moby Dick,” Mulder says.  “I take it you never actually read it.”

“Not even the Spark Notes,” Jackson says.  “I’m going to take this little guy outside.”

Mulder nods.  “I’m going to make some cocoa.  It helps me sleep.  I think it’s part of getting old.  You want some?”

“Okay,” Jackson says.  “It’s like eighty degrees outside, but why not.”

“That’s the spirit,” Mulder says.  He turns his back deliberately on Jackson as a sign of trust and gets the milk out of the fridge.  Instead of powdered packets, he reaches for a box of Abuelita and unwraps the tablet.  It clanks into the pan.  He’s learned to let it melt first, so he doesn’t aggravate his shoulder trying to whisk it into submission.  Growing older is ridiculous.  He expected he wouldn’t be able to fling himself after suspects the way he used to when he and Scully met, but he didn’t think making hot chocolate would potentially incapacitate him.  He pours in the milk and puts the carton back in the fridge.  Domestic life is much easier when all parties agree on where things are supposed to be.  At least the milk has never been a struggle.  Depending on how long Jackson stays, it might become one, but that’s a small price to pay for the opportunity to get to know his son.  Their son.  The Van de Kamps’ son.

He’s still whisking when Jackson returns, Daggoo panting beside him.

“If you’ve got any smoking to do,” Mulder says without turning, “keep it on the porch.  It’s been a dry summer.  Nobody wants any fires.”

Jackson unclips Daggoo’s leash.  “Noted.”  He settles into a chair.  Daggoo prances on his hind legs, trying to get into Jackson’s lap, and Jackson scratches behind his ears.  “That’s pretty chill for a professional narc.”

“You’re not in my jurisdiction,” Mulder says, whipping up a froth on the top of the cocoa.  He turns off the burner.  “I save my narc powers for breaking up global conspiracies that threaten all of humanity.”  

“Respect,” says Jackson.  Mulder pours the cocoa from the pan into two mugs and sets one in front of Jackson.  He puts the pan in the sink and runs water into it before he pulls up a chair for himself.   He thinks about telling Jackson that Scully used to smoke, just to shock him, but he’ll save that moment for her.  It would be easy to be overzealous, trying to catch up on all the years he’s missed.  His son isn’t a baby; he’s a young adult, and he’s been on his own.  He has to meet Jackson where he is, on Jackson’s terms, or he’ll probably vanish into the night like a heartbreaking vision.

“It seems like it’s a little late to pull the dad act anyway,” Mulder says.  “Look at you.  All grown up and manipulating minds.”

Jackson shrugs and sips at his cocoa.  He makes a face as it burns his tongue.  “It’s a living.”

“You know you’re going to have a sibling?” Mulder asks.  

“Yeah,” Jackson says.  “Congrats, I guess.”  

“We don’t have to do family stuff,” Mulder says.  He picks up his cocoa.  “You did show up here, though.  My psychology degree was a long time ago, but that seems to suggest you have some kind of interest.”

Jackson sighs.  “It’s not like this is easy, man.”

“I get it,” Mulder says.  “The last time I saw you, you were less than a week old.  I mean, the last time I saw you before your life of crime began.  I don’t have a lot of practice being a dad, and I was a shitty son myself.”  He takes a swallow of cocoa.  “Not that you’re a shitty son.”

“I am, though,” Jackson says.  “My parents are dead.”

“You didn’t kill them,” Mulder says.

“I didn’t save them,” Jackson counters.

“I know how that feels,” Mulder says.  “Believe it or not.”

“I can’t hear you,” Jackson says.  “Not like I can hear her.”

“My dad was shot by my former partner,” Mulder tells him.  “Not Scully.  A rat named Krycek, who was part of the whole global conspiracy that I kept pushing up against.  My mom killed herself.  I never called her back the last time she wanted to talk.  I don’t know if that would have changed anything.  Oh, and I shot my biological father for killing you, or so I thought at the time.  Glad I was wrong.  Also glad I shot him.”

“Fuck, man,” Jackson says, and pauses, as if he’s waiting for Mulder to scold him.  Mulder just gazes levelly at his son, trying to take in every detail.  

“You didn’t kill your parents,” he says. 

“Guess not,” Jackson says.  He wraps his hands around his mug even though it’s warmish in the kitchen.  “You gonna ask me why I’m here?”

“I figured you’d get to that,” Mulder says.

“You gonna wake her up?” Jackson asks.

“She doesn’t need to know you were here if you’re not planning on staying,” Mulder says, looking straight into Jackson’s eyes.  They’re shaped a little like his own.  It’s uncanny, after all those years of clones.

“You protect her,” Jackson says.

“We protect each other,” Mulder corrects.  “Twenty-five years and counting.  It goes both ways.”

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Jackson says.  “There wasn’t anywhere else to go.”

“We’ve got a spare room,” Mulder says.  “You’re always welcome.”

“Even if there’s a warrant out on me?” Jackson asks.

Mulder shrugs.  “I haven’t seen one.  It’s not like those DoD types haven’t come knocking before.”

“I guess,” Jackson says.

“I’m not trying to whip out my credentials here,” Mulder says, “but you ever seen one shot and faked your own death using his corpse?  And that was how far we were willing to go before we had kids.  I’m not gonna let anything happen to you if I can help it.”

“That’s hard core,” Jackson says.  

“You didn’t get it all from your momma,” Mulder says.  “Or your other parents.”

“If I stay, do I have to talk about it?” Jackson asks. 

“The fact we thought you were dead?” Mulder asks.  “Not yet.”

“That’s fair,” Jackson says after a moment.

“She’s going to be so happy to see you,” Mulder says.  “She cries at everything right now, by the way, so don’t take it personally.  I saw her get weepy at a commercial for paper towels the other day.”

“I’ll be happy to see her too,” Jackson says.  “Uh, thanks, I guess.  For not shooting me when I showed up at your house with no notice in the middle of the night, and, uh, picked your lock.”

“A skill every growing boy needs,” Mulder says.  “Trust me, kiddo, I’ve had a lifetime of stuff weirder than you to deal with.”

“That’s probably good,” Jackson says.  “I mean, you’re prepared, right?”

“As prepared as anyone can be for parenthood,” Mulder says with a wink.  He takes a long drink of cocoa.  It really is soothing.  “You ready for bed?  You got stuff?”

Jackson jerks his head toward a ratty backpack in the corner of the kitchen.  “Just that.  I might stay up for a while.  Not really tired.”

“TV remote’s in the basket,” Mulder says.  “Not too loud, okay?  Your mom needs her sleep, with the baby.”

“You sure you haven’t been practicing this dad stuff?” Jackson asks, with a lopsided grin Mulder recognizes.  

Mulder smiles.  “Only in my head,” he says.  He finishes his cocoa and puts his mug in the sink.  “Let me show you your room.”

They cleaned out his old study together, when Scully moved back in.  It’s a lot less cluttered now.  His clippings are in a filing cabinet and his books are on shelves.  There was enough room for a pull-out sofa bed, one of those IKEA creations that looks a little too modern for the space.  It’s pretty comfortable, though, or it was when they stretched out on it in the store.  Mulder pulls out the mattress and take the sheets out of the storage compartment.  He flips out the sheet, nodding to Jackson to take the other edge, and they make up the bed together.  

“Bathroom’s around the corner,” Mulder says.  “Extra pillows on the couch if you need ‘em.”

“Thanks,” Jackson says.      

“You’re welcome,” Mulder says.  “I mean it.  You’re welcome whenever.”  He turns.  “This old man is going back to bed.  See you in the morning.”

“Mulder?” Jackson says, and Mulder looks over his shoulder at him.  He can see the delicacy of Scully’s bone structure in Jackson’s face, and something of her graceful precision in the way Jackson moves.  “You’re not a shitty dad.”

“I’ll try to keep that streak going,” Mulder says.  “Good night, buddy.”

“Good night,” Jackson says.  

[dancing-in-tig-territory]

AU To Fly Where A Crow Flies - Eliza and Chibs request

@come-join-themurder here we go. #38. Eliza catches Chibs masturbating XD

FIRST OF ALL THO: To anyone who usually reads TFWTCF, I know there are Chiliza shippers among you (tbh we all ship them a little bit, even though Tiggy has our hearts, right?) anyway, I am going to be working on a bunch of AU things like this once I am done with the story (whenever that will be, lmao). So... yeah just wanted to explain this a little bit first. This one in particular doesn’t go completely off canon but of course, this never could have happened in TFWTCF because... you will see hahaa. p.s. This is 1970 words so... yeah. Also, this is set between season 3 and 4, when Tiggy is in prison.

If I’d learnt anything about parenthood, it was that babies were exhausting. I had no idea what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had Chibs around in those early months to help me out with Alex, because there were times when I thought I was going to lose my mind from sleep deprivation and the stress of hearing a baby crying seemingly constantly. It wasn’t like that everyday, of course; but on the days where I did feel that way, I despaired at what I would’ve done if I was on my own. By rights I should’ve been, with Tig in prison. The fact was, though, that on those bad days, Tig seemed almost a fuzzy memory to me. I missed him between visitation, and lying in bed alone at night was taking it’s toll. I missed the feel of his arms around me, the whisper of his lips on my skin, even the early morning “Hey Kitten”.

Chibs was a patient co-parent. Alex’s night time screaming fits never seemed to bother him, and when he saw I was about to snap he was there to calmly take over whatever I was doing, whether it was hushing him or feeding him or changing his diaper. I was so used to Chibs always being around that I never even really questioned it.

That day had been a bad one. I hadn’t seemed to have a second to myself. Alex had puked up on three different tops of mine, and that was after an almost completely sleepless night the night before. On top of that, I had been a little weepy and emotional all day, with the slightest thing liable to make me burst into tears. Chibs had become used to seeing me like that and had sweetly done the bulk of the more difficult tasks around the apartment and with the baby, trying to give me a break. It didn’t really work in the end, but I appreciated it all the same. Still, I was exhausted so I went to bed early once Alex was down for the night, leaving the Scotsman out on the couch in front of the TV.

As exhausted as I was, as I lay there staring up at the ceiling, it quickly became clear that I wasn’t going to get to sleep any time soon. My mind seemed to be running into overdrive. And as I turned my head to look at the empty space beside me in the bed, I once again became all too aware that something was missing.

I’d been lying there pointlessly for around half an hour before I gave up. Sitting up with company was better than being alone and lonely. I sighed and rolled out of bed, getting to my feet and heading out to the living room.

Chibs had the light off, so the only light was from the TV, which was on low volume. I was about to speak and explain I couldn’t sleep when he emitted a muted groan. I froze where I was, suddenly understanding the slightly slumped posture he was displaying from what I could see of him over the back of the couch. In the flickering light of the TV, I saw his hand moving in his lap. I immediately felt my face beginning to heat up. Shit. And yet, for a minute, I couldn’t move, rooted to the spot. I didn’t think he’d seen me yet, but from this angle, stood behind but slightly to the side of where he was, I caught sight of the expression on his face; his eyes were closed and he was biting down on his lower lip. A curious sensation swept through my lower stomach. I quickly turned and crept back into my room, hoping he hadn’t noticed me there- he hadn’t appeared to, anyway.

I lay back on my bed, my mind reeling. In all the months he’d spent here with me, helping me with Alex and generally looking out for me, I’d never thought about what he’d sacrificed- the partying, the croweaters, the freedom… Jesus. I felt guilty. But aside from the guilt, I felt something else… the expression of pleasure on his face, the guttural moan… Since I’d given birth I hadn’t really felt sexual at all. But now, in spite of everything including my embarrassment at what I’d walked in on, presented with the first sexual situation I’d witnessed in months, I found myself getting turned on.

Chibs P.O.V.

Once the baby was asleep and Eliza took off for bed early, I considered my options for the night. I knew she’d never begrudge me leaving if I wanted to go for a drink or a ride- she was always telling me I should go home, do something fun, sleep in a bed instead of on the couch- insisting I didn’t really need to be there. I knew she could handle herself, but I also knew she was vulnerable. And the truth was, I didn’t really want to leave. I loved Alex. I pretty much saw him as good as my own. And Eliza…? I stopped that thought in it’s tracks.

I hit the lights, parking myself in front of the TV, though I wasn’t really watching it. Absently, I realised I had a semi-hard on. I glanced towards her bedroom door and the nursery before deciding ‘fuck it’ and unzipping my jeans, pulling my cock out, slowly stroking myself to full hardness. Jesus, it’d been a while since I’d fucked. My mind flickered absently between different girls, different fantasies. It was funny how the stars of these fantasies were all redheads these days. I closed my eyes and failed to stifle a grunt by biting down my lip.

I sensed movement behind me and off to the side. I froze for a fraction of a second, but then I heard a door quietly shut. “Shite,” I muttered out loud to myself. Eliza had caught me in the act.

I gave myself a couple more pulls but then I realised I wasn’t gonna finish now. Obviously she’d be embarrassed. I probably would be too, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d fucked so many croweaters in plain view of people in my time that I didn’t really have any qualms about nudity. I did care, though, about Eliza’s comfort. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me.

Sighing, I zipped up my flies and headed over to her bedroom, prepared to knock and- what? Explain? She was a grown woman, she didn’t need an explanation. Put her mind at rest, maybe. I was about to knock when I heard it- a small whimper. I quickly dropped my hand back to my side. I knew that sound. I just didn’t expect it to come from her, of all people, seconds after she’d seen me jacking off. Now what did I do?

I’d be lying if I said it was the first time I’d thought about it. I wasn’t sure at what point shit started to change for me when it came to her; just spending all my time around her made it impossible for me not to take notice. Setting aside the fact she belonged to Tigger, that is- she was a young, attractive woman. She’d always been pretty. Dark red hair, big kind brown eyes, blowjob lips, nice tits, small waist. The exact reason Jax and Clay had sworn us off her from the very beginning. But there was more to it when you spent time around this girl. She had this sexy little sway to her hips when she walked- natural, not put on like some croweater trying to grab your attention. A distracting laugh that could be equal parts innocent and dirty. The fact she was always so free with her affection, touching your arm or hugging you, snuggling up to me on the couch with no idea how fucking intoxicating her smell was...

Jesus Christ, Filip, you’ve got to stop thinking about her that way.

“Eliza?” I said her name through the door. There was a beat of silence.

“Um,” She responded in a slightly higher pitch than normal. She clearly didn’t know what to say, but she knew she’d been rumbled, just like I had been.

“It’s all right, lassie,” I called to her, “Just… I’m sorry, love.”

���Oh… No, it’s okay…”

“Are you gonna come out here?” I didn’t know if I wanted her to or not.

“I… I don’t think...”

“Look, I don’t want it to be awkward between us. We need to clear the air.”

“Air’s clear!” Eliza called, sounding a little panicked now. “Let’s just forget about it.” I’d like to, but there was no chance of that happening. The fact that she’d seen me and moments later she’d been touching herself too…

*

Chibs opened the door and came inside the bedroom. I was a little surprised at the boldness of the move, though I had at least managed to somewhat compose myself. He approached the bed, which I was sitting up on against the headboard, and I saw his eyes rake my body. I’d never quite seen him look at me like that before, but I felt the heat rising in my neck all the same. After a second he seemed to shake himself and he sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping a little distance away from me.

“I, uh, should’ve realised,” I said awkwardly after a pause. “I mean… you stuck here with me all the time...”

“No,” He dismissed, “Ye know you’re not talking me into leaving you alone.”

“Chibs… Kozik has offered millions of times to swap with you. You should get out, you know… live… find a girl,” I said the last part as a joke and it did earn a small chuckle, but not enough to break the cloying tension between us.

“I know ye feel it too,” He said in a low voice after a moment, looking me in the eyes. “Ye know you’re not just a mother… you’re still a woman.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say to that- I guess he was right though. I had kind of been ignoring myself since Tig had been in prison, and especially since Alex was born. It’d been a very long time since I’d last…

“Well,” I replied breathily, “We don’t exactly have a prison clause, so…” I shook my head. I knew it was kind of inappropriate to even talk about this with him, but given what we’d both witnessed tonight it was kind of hard to get away from the issue at hand. “Look, I’m serious, Chibs. Just… Have Kozik come stay with me instead. You trust him, don’t you?”

“Aye… but I’m pretty comfortable here,” He shifted and as he did so his hand brushed mine. I felt a jolt go through me but I didn’t rush to pull away and neither did he. All that was touching were our little fingers.

“Yeah?” I don’t know what made me look, but my eyes scanned him from his lips down to his crotch. It was then that I realised I could see see a very visible bulge through his jeans. I licked my lips involuntarily. When my eyes snapped up again, he was watching me silently. I could hear that his breathing had deepened and his eyes had become darker. Suddenly, he cleared his throat and got to his feet. He looked over me one more time before tearing his eyes away.

“I’m not going anywhere, lass.” He said decisively, before leaving the room and closing the door behind himself. I slumped back against the pillows, confused by what’d just happened.

From now on, we were both going to have to start knocking before entering.

[poptarts-and-rainbows]

School update!

(bitching under the cut... if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry- scroll fast)

So I have this really bad habit, where if something doesn’t go perfect- if I don’t do it perfect, or at least well- then I quit.  

It happened the first time I went to college too, so it isn’t new... but, let’s say I over slept and missed a quiz, or forgot to submit a paper, bombed a test, etc. Even if I had otherwise been doing well in that class (you know, the professor liked me, I actively participated, and all that good shit), I would freak out the next time I was supposed to go. I would freeze.

I would convince myself that now all that professor, or my classmates- all they were going to see from then on was a failure. They’re just going to see that thing I fucked up, and nothing I could ever do will make up for it. So I would bail, because I couldn’t face them. 9/10, wouldn’t go back to class for at least a week, just making the problem worse.

School this time around... while it has been overall less enjoyable (it’s a commuter school, limited social interactions, my classes are boring, plus my current/ongoing roommate troubles), it's actually been going pretty ok, at least academically. 

I go to all of my classes now (ok- I give myself one skip day a quarter- and that’s actually a drastic improvement to my last go around, lol), I learned how to prioritize, have a somewhat regular schedule, and am not drunk all the time, I get solid 3.5s and up (compared to nearly failing out last time). So, things were going well!

Until tonight.

Two of my classes are online (which I actually hate), and I always have assignments due at midnight on Wednesdays. Normally? No problem. 

Last week I had zero issues making the deadline (last quarter I submitted almost everything at 11:55pm, which didn't both me, but last week I was done before 8! Double winning), but I didn’t get access to one of my classes this quarter until this weekend, and then I had to wait to hear back from the professor if I could stay in the course, because I had already missed a week and the add deadline for online classes had passed (eventhough our in person classes just started).

What I SHOULD have done was start my assignments right away, instead of waiting to hear back from him... but I’m kind of broke and didn’t want to buy the books if I wasn’t going to get to stay in the class. So, I waited- he got back to me on Tuesday, basically saying that it was totally cool if I stayed in the class and he would let me turn in the assignment from last week without penalty. 

Great, right? No... see, he didn’t give me a deadline. Not like 48-72 hours, or anything, just said that I could still turn it in. So I wanted to turn in both weeks assignments by the deadline tonight, to make a good first impression, and show him I was grateful to get to stay in the course... and then I fell straight flat on my fucking face. 

I had a lot of anxiety writing the first paper. I stayed up until 3am last night trying to work on, and I finished all of the reading/research, which was cool, but I only made it like half way through the introduction before my brain stopped working and I figured getting 2 hours of sleep was better than starting at a blank word document, especially because I had to nanny for 10 hours.

Writing used to be my job, doing intelligence reports, and writing white papers- pretty much exactly what my homework was, and I had been really good at it too! Then I was put on admin work for almost a year, fell out of habit, and when I first moved back to Washington, one of my old bosses actually asked me to help her with research for one of her graduate school papers- I freaked out then too. 

It had always been so easy for me, and I just... couldn’t do it... I made excuses pushing off when I was going to send her stuff, and then finally sent a very weepy email apologizing for sucking at life- to which SHE then apologized to me for, pressuring me, or whatever, and I didn’t think that at all! I just felt really dumb. I felt so dumb I never responded to her last email, and we were supposed to meet up- and I should have responded back in June, but I was in a bad place, so I never did, and now it feels like it would be awkward because it's been so long, so just... that’s not the point, but I’m still guilty about that too, and it would be really nice to see her.

Anyways, my classes last quarter weren’t really heavy on the writing skills. We had to do a couple of short written responses, but no actual papers. This was the first time I had to try to do that again, and I just got so stressed. 

I freaked, I froze... I stopped working on the assignment from last week, because I figured it would be better to turn the one due this week in early/on time, and ended up being able to push through and get it done. It was hard, and very unenjoyable, and absolutely not best work, but I still did it! It just wasn’t soon enough. 

Trying to do both at once... I missed the deadline. I ended up turning the assignment that was due this week in about 40 minutes too late (it would have been a little bit sooner, but then I double checked the grading rubric and it said something about fitting the word limit, and my response was kind of long, so I spent literally 15 minutes trying to find what that limit was- never did), and I had to fix some stupid reference formatting issues (fuck you, APA).

In the meantime, the other online class I’m in- I knew I still had a quiz and an activity to do tonight too. The quiz was a piece of cake, done in 5 minutes, 100%. The activity, however... last week, it was a fill in the chart sort of thing that took me less time than the quiz did. This week it was a 3 hour certificate. So I didn’t get that done, and I didn’t “respond to two other student’s posts” on the discussion board either... for either class.

So right now I’m trying to convince myself it’s ok. I’m trying to tell myself that turning the stuff in late is better than not turning it in at all, and that I have plenty of time to make all of the points up- even though all I want to do now is never even log on to the school portal again.

I still have to finish that assignment from last week, and then do the certificate thing, and the readings for my class tomorrow... I’m sure the sooner I get all of it in, the less bad it’ll probably look... rationally I know it’s not that big of a deal. I'm trying to fight the thoughts and be the mentally healthy way, or whatever- like, I know this doesn’t mean I’m a failure, but... I just can’t help asking myself what the point is to even keep trying. I already fucked up.

If my professors don't end up thinking how I'm a failure every time they see my name on their screen it won't even matter, because I will. I don’t know why I thought I could do this anyway.

[moviesaboutdrunks]

28 Days

Film: 28 Days, 2000, Dir. Betty Thomas.

You might remember them from such films as this one: Sandra Bullock, Viggo Mortensen, Steve Buscemi, that girl from season 7 of Buffy who knew she was going to die.

Reason for watching: Suggested by Netflix.

Let me get a couple of things out of the way: I love Netflix (seriously, is it not the best?), and I am not an AA drunk. I mean zero disrespect to the people the program works for, but that ain’t me, and you’re not gonna stay sober with something that doesn’t work. I use a different set of resources, and they’re doing the job for me so far.

I also didn’t dry out at a 28 day rehab center. Whether that’s because we don’t really do that in my country (unless you’re paying through the nose for it), or because nobody made me dry out but me I don’t totally know. I didn’t bother to investigate how everybody else was getting clean in my 'burg, I just did what I was doing. I would have liked to go to Promises, Malibu, but I am not rich or American enough, and what I got is working fine.

With those qualifications made, you should also know that I can still get down with an AA rehab movie (which is a good thing, because if you’re looking for movies about drunks getting sober, AA is going to feature. AA is huge, it’s worldwide, and it’s what most people think of when they think of recovery). This is an AA rehab movie. That is why it is called 28 Days. There is also chanting, the serenity prayer, and “it works if you work it.” 

The star of the show is Gwen, played by Sandra Bullock, who is a hard-partying writer. She parties so hard she ruins her sister’s wedding, crashes her sister’s wedding limousine into someone’s house, and gets sent to rehab instead of jail. At first she thinks it’s totally naff, then she comes around and decides to get sober. Obstacles to her sobriety are (duh) how much it sucks to be sober, (also duh) her horrible childhood, and her boyfriend (Dominic West), who doesn’t think she has a problem and helps approximately zero percent by bringing her drugs and booze and refusing to recognize her desire for a full-on lifestyle change.

This isn’t a very original plot, obviously, but I didn’t care about that. I was in the mood for an emotional kinda-weepie (good work, Netflix), and that’s what this was. There are some very emotional moments, at which I had emotions, and some funny bits, at which I laughed. There’s a bit of artfulness to it - Loudon Wainwright’s songs are diagetic, and he appears as a rehab inmate playing them (do you say inmate? Some people probably do). The overhead announcements that bookend several scenes are particularly funny (”Don’t miss Tonight’s Lecture: Is God an Alcoholic?”; “Tonight’s Lecture: Why it’s a bad idea to celebrate sobriety by getting drunk.”) I loved the inclusion of equine therapy, and I cried real tears over Gwen’s sad flashbacks, her making up with her sister, and (spoiler alert) the really tragic death of her poor young roommate (jesus, what else was this poor girl gonna do but die? She was so young, and had nowhere to go). I couldn’t have cared less about the love story between Gwen and Viggo, but then neither did the movie because it never came to fruition, and I feel like things were better for that. Gwen ends up with no mans, and that is okay. She can do it alone now, precisely because she’s learned how to ask for help. Great stuff. Lotta feelings.

The depiction of withdrawal is pretty minimal. Gwen has a night of shivery puking, and a few days of shaking hands, but besides that she’s good, if miserable (and hugely anxious). I wondered if this was intended to suggest that Gwen was an intermittent binge drinker rather than a constant heavy drinker, but I guess it’s also possible they just didn’t want to show the extreme grossness of what withdrawal is really like (i.e., it is longer, and has more disgusting sweating and runny pooping). I also assume, like most AA movies, they like to stick to the Betty Ford model, in which addicts (Gwen also used opiates, and I assume coke and other party drugs) are not allowed any drugs of any kind, not even painkillers for an injury, or benzodiazepines to help you not literally shit out your insides or have a seizure and die.

This is pretty typical in what I see depicted of quitting and recovering drunks in movies like this; supervised white-knuckling. It has always stuck me as a little bit odd in relation to the disease model (which I’ve never totally bought, but it is the model that’s cited in these filmic contexts where someone is sent to rehab instead of jail - and it’s referred to here specifically: guidance counsellor Steve Buscemi gives Gwen a pile of books and says “here’s some information about your disease”). I guess, actually, that this is one part of why I’ve never really gelled with AA-related rehab programs, or at least struggled to see how the logic all hangs together - if we’re medically, physiologically powerless over being an addict, as they say we are, what’s wrong with helping us break our physical dependencies as comfortably as possible, in order to cushion us for the serious work ahead? Do we really believe that some individuals are just so hardwired to get high that they can’t even be trusted to take any drugs ever, even under the supervision of a doctor, even for the purpose they are prescribed?  I guess the supervision is there in case something went severely wrong though. And they must sometimes dry people out before they send them to rehab - movies aren’t documentaries - surely they must, or people would periodically drop dead in group. 

There’s an element of moralism to it though, and you know there is; just as the addict must now become humble and scrub toilets (also the Betty Ford model - and Gwen does it on crutches, since she’s sprained her ankle leaping out of a window for some spilled vicodin), she must face her long night of physical and emotional hell. She must go through the twelve trials (see what I did there?) to realize what a piece of human shit she has been, and fully, physically experience her pukey rock bottom before she can begin to rebuild. The depiction of white-knuckling is twofold; it’s speaking truncated film-language to cram the physical horror of the quitting process into a shorter length of time, and it reflects some of what people generally think about addicts, even if they’re singing in the helpless-to-a-disease chorus - we need to be punished for our lack of self-control. We need to suffer to learn our lesson. In these movies, suffering through withdrawal as harshly as possible is presented as the best possible grounding for the coming psychological labour, almost as if we can’t be trusted to believe we want it if we don’t “earn it”. I don’t particularly object to suffering. I’ve never believed I am powerless over my alcoholism, or that alcoholism is a disease I was born with and will always have, or that the demon drink is the thing that makes me a shit person when I’m way too drunk. I believe I had (or have) a maladaptive coping mechanism that propped itself up with a chemical dependency, and that that’s a problem, but it’s one that’s sort of unrelated to my being human trash (or rather, it’s related in that I can use it as an excuse to not deal with being human trash, and also it doesn’t exactly help me avoid making human trash style decisions, but it’s not the source of the issue). I don’t mind suffering for my alcoholic sins (if I have any that are purely alcoholic), and I’ve got no problem with the idea that people might want me to either (that’s their problem). I’m just pointing out the philosophical complexity in the moralism here. We’re powerless, in this model, but it’s also our fault we haven’t powerfully accepted being powerless.  Side note: also interesting is the moralism as attached to various drugs and how that’s changed over time. When I quit, Nicotine Dependence was listed on my hospital form as something else I had a problem with (I ignored this, because fuck you I’m not quitting smoking and drinking at the same goddamned time). Here, in this film, which was made 17 years ago, everyone smokes like chimneys. But they’re not allowed caffeinated coffee, because it’s mood altering. Smoking used to be a lot more value-neutral than it is these days, I guess.  

The just-before-ending climax of the film, as I said, is Gwen realizing and saying aloud that she needs to ask for help, and then saying to herself as she finally manages to convince a horse to lift its hoof (something she was never able to do during equine therapy), that she can control the small things, but then she just has to let go. This is literally a repetition of core AA philosophies, but it isn’t necessarily wrong, either in general or for Gwen. It’s also pretty moving. And given that I’m a non-AAer who can still get down with the genre, I can find my own commonality in it: I don’t necessarily believe I wasn’t in control of the fact that I ended up an alcoholic, but what I will say is that I used it to feel like I was in control of my life. What gold-plated bullshit that was. You can’t drive where you want to go when you’re hammered 24/7. You’ll just wind up crashing a limousine into a house.

[andintheendiddoitallagain]

Every Pretty, Pretty Miscalculation

*I hated weddings. Hated. Them.  They were right up there with feta cheese and televangelists.  They were however, a huge part of my life at one point, one of the ways of paying dues as a photographer,  but I thought I had moved past that phase of my career. Then again, when said wedding was two of my childhood friends AND in my hometown? I couldn’t say no, even if they sprung it on me, and they absolutely did. Things between Pan, Trick and I had been… not strained, really, but not as easy as they were and that kind of broke me a little, but I had no one else to blame. When the invitations from Alex and Asher had shown up a few weeks after I had arrived back in LA, it had been far from a surprise and all three of us had RSVP’d immediately, with Trick taking charge of the flight details because he was a pissy bitch about things like that. Then again, there was something to be said for first class seats and some modicum of distance, especially for a two thousand mile flight.  The tension had eased somewhat as soon as we had taken off, leaving the glitter and plastic of L.A. behind and, although it hadn’t truly dissipated by the time we walked out of O’Hare, we were home, really home, and that counted for a whole fucking lot.  We had managed, through Pan’s silver-tongued talents no doubt, to wheedle a long weekend out of Trick and his handlers and once our plane touched down Wednesday night, we were safe and sound, and more importantly HOME until Monday. It was the small things sometimes. The sights, smells and FEEL of the city that we all loved was enough to easy the last vestiges of real discomfort. By breakfast Thursday morning, a mess of pie, biscuits, candied bacon and coffee after a night of sleep at my actual house, although in separate beds, things were decidedly normal, and downright peaceful.  And then my phone rang and it all went to hell. One of Trick’s early songs blasted from the tiny device, drawing grins from both him and Pan, as well as some of the folks at surrounding tables. I glared at them over my coffee and answered the call, a panicked Asher on the other end of the line, nearly hyperventilating, her usually calm voice somehow shrill and weepy at the same time.  I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, no matter how hard I tried.* Ash. Ash. ASHER. Put Alex on the phone and get a goddamn paper bag to breathe into. Now please. I can’t understand a fucking thing you are saying.  *My language earned me a glare from the Stepford soccer mom the next table over, but an apology from Trick and a bright smile from Pete seemed to placate her for the time being. Mouthing a thank you, I turned my attention back to the phone when Alex’s voice echoed down the line. “Dora, what horrors did you tell my intended? She went positively white and wandered to the kitchen in search of a bag. Just being charming again?” I could hear the smile in his voice and couldn’t help my own in response and I quickly put the phone on speaker and plopped it in the middle of the table.* You know me, Allie Boy.  I’m positively made of charm. I’ve got you on speaker at Bang Bang.  Say hello to Trick and Pan. *I could hear Alex’s laughter, slightly mechanized through the speaker and knew he was shaking his head. “Charm. Is that what they are calling it nowadays?  Well I’ll remember that.  And what boys?  Who in the world would I know that hangs out with you?  I think I knew some guys once, hell what were their names…  they were saintly, I know that but I haven’t heard a fucking word from either of them in so long I have forgotten what they actually sound like.”  The smile was evident in his voice, and both Pan and Trick grinned, no doubt eyes rolling behind dark Ray Bans. “Yeah, yeah, yeah asshole. It’s been a while, we all suck at keeping in touch, we will do better and all that shit. You know we will see you tonight at the rehearsal dinner, right?  We came all this way…”  Trick’s words trailed off as he sipped his coffee and Pan jumped right in to pick up the slack. “I’m sorry, but I believe I am actually hosting your damn rehearsal dinner at my club, right?  Or is that someone else, I can’t quite remember. Maybe I should rearrange that..” It was my turn to roll my eyes now. “Alright, alright.  You know I have to give you assholes shit when I can. Anyway, now that that is out of the way, as you may have been able to tell from Ash’s moment earlier, we had a bit of a catastrophe which, considering the wedding is tomorrow and this is the first hiccup isn’t really that bad.”*  Get to the point please, Alex. My coffee's getting cold. *The laugh on the other end of the line was genuine, as was the shrill scream I could just barely hear from Asher in the background. “Jesus, you are persnickety today. Has Patty Boy not been fulfilling his duties of late? Cause from what we saw...” “ALEXANDER. Enough.”  The tone of Trick’s voice was final, leaving very little room for debate even through the phone. “Sorry, sorry.  I couldn’t resist. It’s all in love, you know that.  Okay. Anyway, catastrophe.  So we had this photographer lined up, fantastic work. Beautiful portfolio, everything was perfect and on schedule and…”  the wailing in the background of the call became disturbingly more pronounced and my stomach sank as the pieces clicked into place.* Shit Alex, no.  Please no. Don’t ask me that… *I dropped my head into my hands and tried, desperately, to tune out the words that were still spilling from the phone, Asher’s please now mixing with Alex’s.  The peanut gallery at the table didn’t help either; Pan was laughing out loud and Trick, who was my favorite person in Chicago in this moment, was at least trying to be subtle about it. “Please, Dora?  Come on, you know we wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency.  Just for the ceremony and the highlights of the reception.”  It wasn’t until a sound not unlike a whistle emanated from the phone and the puppy at the next table over tilted it’s head in confusion that I finally acquiesced, my head still against the table.*  Fine. *The shriek on the other end of the line was absolutely deafening, and I felt a pang of regret for any dogs in a five mile radius. “Thank you, Dora oh my god! You saved my wedding!”  A fresh round of sobs from Asher had me shaking my head and grabbing Pan’s coffee cup, my own long since gone. It was black and sweet because Pan was a monster and the reason we couldn’t have nice things.* You’re welcome, Ash, really.  It’s… the least I can do. But seriously, I am not officially working the reception. Asher, you made me a dress for fuck’s sake. I can get in touch with a few folks I know who can cover the majority of the reception for you. I’ve got a few favors I can call in still. *The babble from the other end of the line became nearly unintelligible for the duration of the call until I finally just hung up in exasperation, eying my table mate’s wearily.  They both had remarkably similar smiles on their faces and I knew, even with the dark Ray-Bans we all wore, that their eyes would be sparkling with mirth.  It was too fucking early for this. Glaring, I stole Trick’s plate, downing the last bite of his key lime pie before flipping them off and dropping my head back to the table.  Stepford mom was unamused.  Good.* *The twenty four hours after the phone call disconnected were a blur of phone calls, some impressive wheeling and dealing for free labor and, blessedly, a beautiful haze of alcohol at the rehearsal dinner. It had been, surprisingly, quite elegant which was not exactly something anyone would ever consider a forte of Pan’s, but he pulled it off exquisitely.  The wedding, as was to be expected, was stunning.  The ceremony itself had been held on the Kern Terrace at the MCA and was, aside from the photographer fiasco, was blessedly free from any and all last minute emergencies and was, even to my jaded little heart, one of the most beautiful weddings I had ever seen, even through the lens of my camera.  Once all of the requisite pictures had been taken and my duties handed over, I slipped off to the changing room Asher had been using and traded my work uniform of head to toe, utilitarian black, complete with flats and a bun for the deep blue gown Asher had designed and a pair of heels, shoved at me by the bride herself.  A bit heavier hand than usual took my work makeup to a level where I would sufficiently mingle with the well dressed elite that constituted the guest list. Fortunately, I was officially off the clock and could indulge in some of the no doubt fantastic champagne that I had seen circulating between photographs. Sometimes it was the not so simple things. Brushing my hands carefully over my hair to smooth any flyaway strands, gave a last peek at the mirror; this was about as good as it was going to get. Taking a deep breath and pulling open the door, I mumbled under my breath as I wove in between the who’s who of Chicago, searching for a familiar face, or rather a pair of them.* Once more into the breach. #EveryPrettyPrettyMiscalculation #TheKidsArentAlright