#i am currently incredibly drunk and have a theory

[balkanradfem]

I don't get to talk about feminism in real life, because it's not an accepted topic here, it's an 'evil harpy movement' still, despite it getting women the right to vote, own property, own a bank account, be able to be paid for work. The consenus is that normal women don't need to be feminists, we already have the right to vote so what more could we possibly want. I do get to talk with young women about it! When I have some teenagers or young adult women in my life, I am telling them all about it, showing them all the violence statistics, instructing them on all possible methods of abortion, and they are genuinely stunned to gain this information they've never had access to before.

But yesterday, I was at plant lady's house, and I breached the topic of feminism, because I had just entered a feminist book club, and joined a little group of croatian radfems, so I was all up in my ideas about it. And I love the plant lady, she's a beloved figure in my life, but she is both against feminism, and a huge fan of conspiracy theories. So when I started talking about feminism, she interrupted me to tell me that she heard that women, are not in fact, responsible for feminism, but it's actually males in power that are pulling the strings. I explained that we don't even allow m*n to participate in what we do, but she was sure she's right, because, males in power thought it would be cool for women to have jobs and pay taxes, so they invented feminism, to collect more taxes and have more workers. And I knew I couldn't argue her about it because conspiracy theories exist to null every argument against them, right, no matter what I say, she'll have a more incredible explanation. So instead I changed the topic to the problems of sexual violence against women, domestic violence, normalization of pedophilia, and treatment of women like objects due to rampant pornography.

And she's like, no, that doesn't happen, most people are normal and have normal marriages and treat women normally, and these problems, are not the problems of 'feminism', these are things everyone is against – and I say no they're not, m*n don't care, they don't fight against any of it, in fact they're the perpetrators of 90% of these crimes. Then she launches into a story of an abused woman who refused to leave her husband because she loved him. I explain to her that this is incredibly common and it's called 'cycle of abuse', and we can resolve this by teaching women very early on about this cylce, that it can easily happen to them no matter what kind of husband they choose, and to recognize the signs early, before it comes to worst, and for women who are going trough it, they need all this euducation too. What is happening currently is nobody is talking about it and we pretend it doesn't exist and then victim-blame women when they get abused. Most abused women don't even recognize they're being abused because they're being isolated and told it's their own fault. Then she launched into another story about a woman who she knows was battered who escaped. Then she mentioned another situation she knew with a violent husband, and another with a drunk one. And I'm listening to her like. Hey. You said this doesn't even happen, that it's incredibly rare, but you personally know this many cases? And you know me, I've been living in violence too, remember?

And she just looks at me. Realizing for a second that it's not that rare. She didn't argue with me. She previously really thought about each and every case she knew as an outlier, something so improbable and rare that it wasn't really a social problem. She told me then, that we can't really help these people, because police only makes it worse, so what do we even do. I told her it's important that we talk about it, that we offer resources and teach women early on to recognize abuse, and to make a point of not blaming women for it, to make it clear any male could do it to them at any point, to be ready for it, to reconsider marrying, to have a separate bank account, to never let their survival and housing be completely dependant on a male.

I also indulged her to think why women can find themselves in these situations in the first place? If we're so equal, how come it's possible women don't have anywhere to go to, and need to stay in the abusers house to just survive. I said it has something to do with parents usually leaving their houses and properties to sons, and expecting daughters to move into their husbands places, and she again said 'no this doesn't happen', and I went 'well why don't these abused women just move into their own houses they inherited from their parents' and she again, had no arguments. It's not the sole reason though, women earn less too, get less promotions, get paid less for the same job, still mostly do unpaid labour, dedicate a big part of their life to raising children on their own, they don't get to accumulate funds and properties in the same ways m*n do.

Anyway, while we were having this entire conversation, her 18yo daughter was there, listening to us, and miraculously, she seemed to agree with me! When the plant lady claimed 'there's so many normal ones out there', the daughter interrupted to say 'no mom, there's no normal m*n out there, I can't find anyone normal', and I immediately supported her claim with agreement. I was so happy to be a little feminist influence on her and to validate her point! She was also wearing a shirt that said 'grl pwr' and I was like 'yes this is great' even though it's just a liberal catchphrase, it's still a sign of wanting women to have power in the world that doesn't believe a word they say.

I think the type of attitude the plant lady has is extremely common for women in our country, in fact she was very receptive to what I was saying. She knew about this many cases of domestic abuse, because she was often the safe person for these women to tell, and she has been helping the ones who escaped, me included.

Most women I know will launch in defense of males and trashing of women as soon as you mention feminism, because it's the only socially accepted thing to do. I believe we all have women in our lives who are not malicious or terribly ignorant, but affected by the mainstream beliefs that women are asking for too much, already have everything, and are at fault for everything that happens to them; this is incredibly pervasive and impossible to debate in a conversation. It's so ingrained in women to go against anything that makes m*n look bad, it's almost considered a sin and a hate crime to even think this way. Like something a bad, selfish, bitter, irrational and greedy woman would do, and nobody wants to be dubbed that. I remember thinking this way myself when I was a teen; I wanted to hold males responsible so bad, but the shame of being seen as this hateful and bitter person was getting to me, to the point where I would silent down and not speak out.

I used to get so angry at anti feminists, and would avoid indulging with the topic because it would irritate me so much, but I've gained more understanding as I go on, and can now tolerate the opposing arguments when I know they've come from propaganda and social pressure, rather than ignorance or hunger for approval. I'm more effective being able to indulge a little! Not a lot though. If I spent a lot of my time trying to argue with anti-feminists I would in fact, wither and die.

[truculentbitch]

hello belly, first of all I would like to thankyou for this experience, it has been a real blast from the past!

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/715323108755636224/you-guys-just-read-too-much-dnf-fanfiction

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/728001098635526144/hewwo-what-r-yr-thoughts-on-dnf

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/724073796394450944/its-hard-for-me-to-believe-george-is-not

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/718954349792002048/lets-move-on-i-wanna-know-the-bedgate-theories (fringe fandom truthing activities!)

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/720141532126199808/so-uh-idk-if-you-know-guys-this-but-its

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/720142671482585088/dream-calling-austin-to-take-care-of-drunk-george

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/720142753639645184/hah-thats-what-im-saying-like-wdym-dream-is

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/720146615816617984/listen-even-if-dnf-are-currently-dating-dream-is ik you didn’t write it, but listen, idc, reblogs imply agreement

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/717337221556027392/if-any-of-dteam-have-partners-its-not-that-big

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/718762030863204352/theres-also-the-fact-the-1-george-is-not-out

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/718764582378848256/im-talking-about-thinking-dream-and-george-are

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/718767258592329728/wait-so-did-something-happen-in-dnf-land-why-are

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/718844424883470336/would-anything-actually-convince-you-dnf-is-real pt talking about dnf soft launch… I shed a tear

Also thought I would look at ur reaction to the me and george are not gay tweet since you are quite adamant that this was him making it clear that him and George aren’t dating. and huh, you yourself took the tweet as a joke and don’t discount the possibility of dnf still being real?!?!

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/711564727945510912/pls-come-back-youre-the-only-one-who-can-save-us

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/711324410353696768/hes-literally-being-srs-in-the-tweet-hes-just

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/711325776589602816/if-they-arent-together-right-now-then-theyre

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/711326063101394944/looking-at-his-main-most-of-his-latest-tweets-are

https://truculentbitch.tumblr.com/post/711326145174552576/can-everyone-just-listen-to-biboyhalo-and-calm

it seems like you were very open to dnf is real speculation, despite now thinking that it was all obvious jokes (hindsight!) :) unfortunately I couldn’t find the ask I was thinking of where someone asks you if you think dnf is real, and you essentially say you are unsure- but I will not be gaslighted into thinking it never existed! This has all been incredibly depressing, crit was so much more of a happier place a year ago. I’m now going to delete Tumblr and think about life

i'm honestly really confused about what you think most of these posts mean?

i am open to dnf is real speculation. i think it's harmless and fun when done on platforms separate from the ccs. nothing i've posted has ever indicated that i think dnf are or were dating irl, just speculation about the nature of their feelings. 'speculation', a word that appears in a lot of these posts. if you want to know why i reblogged others' posts, i can give you my perspective now but you'd have to take that on trust. if someone asked me i think dnf is real, my answer would be what it is now - ofc dnf is real bc dnf is just whatever their rlship is.

like? me saying i think dnf have a close, loving rlship and are each other's favourite person is not me saying i think they're dating. referring to the bedgate thing by saying a timeline of the 'conspiracy' should start with earlier conspiracy theories? do you not see how that's unserious?

i was going to go thru each post and explain things to you but that's just too much work tbh 🤷

[surrealsunday]

Crazy theory time that is probably not based on reality:

No way in hell does Kinn actually think Porsche is betraying him. No way. He’s distrustful of Vegas, and for good reason, but I think he’s looking at Porsche’s naïveté and thinking that Vegas’ tactic is working after he saw them at the pool, which is currently his worst fear (ALSO WORK ON YOUR JEALOUSY ISSUES KINN FFS!) but I think he’s underestimating Porsche here. Porsche after episode 7, when Vegas brought up his dreams for a bar on the beach, I think is pretty aware of what Vegas is trying to do. Like Porsche is dumb but he’s not stupid and he’s shown himself willing to do literally anything to keep his loved ones safe. Even after Kinn has probably eviscerated his heart. I think he’s going to run away with Vegas and play his game in order to find out once and for all wtf is going on and who’s behind it. It’s really the only move he probably feels he has left at this point. I also think it’s incredibly smart on his part.

I think everyones right that Kinn is intentionally playing into Tawans hand, and keeping Porsche captive to keep him safe and clear his name, as well as flesh out who the mole(s) is/are. The problem is they don’t communicate anything with each other which has constantly lead to mistrust and accusations in the past. This is highlighting how detrimental it is that they learn to be a solid unit in their relationship and how in the future it will make them almost impenetrable to this type of manipulation.

Anyway, all of this keeps bringing me back to the “shootout tango” scene they’ve shown us a peek at. If KP were both on the same page of some secret plan, that scene doesn’t make much sense. Kinn looks genuinely suspicious of Porsche when he pulls his gun on him but he completely drops his guard after Porsche tells him “I’m not on anyones side. I’m on yours” and then they literally fight while embracing and I think that’s pretty significant. I think this will be a pivotal point with them so, as much as this episode was painful to watch, I kind of think they’ll be stronger because of it. I’m also delusional so maybe I’m just grasping at straws but like, come on, do these idiots around them really think they’re gonna destroy this power couple? Khun would never allow it anyways 😂

I love your speculation so much. I love reading through someone's else's thoughts and theories. It helps me work through my own. This was sooooo interesting.

So first, Kinn's reaction to seeing Porsche and Vegas. I interpreted it similarly to you. But then I saw someone else talking about how in that scene maybe Kinn is trusting Porsche and that's why he doesn't react as he has in the past (i.e. storming in and flipping out). I'll edit this post and link that person's post if I can find it again. That honestly hadn't occurred to me so now I'm not totally sure what I think. But I am bolstered in you agreeing that Kinn has some kind of plan. I very much agree and I would be super surprised (and disappointed tbh) if that wasn't the case. As for Porsche... that I don't know. I think he is slightly swayed by Vegas in that pool scene (or at least the vulnerability Vegas fakes) but I also am with you on thinking Porsche is much more wary of Vegas now. Then again... I legit did think Porsche had a plan when it came to drinking/ being drunk/ letting Vegas lead him away in ep 7 and so far that's gone nowhere...

So I'm not sure.

You think Porsche will run away with Vegas to enact some kind of plan? That is super interesting. I didn't think so for a couple of reasons (but after reading your thoughts I'm not sure what I think now). I was thinking that we were going to see angst, Kinn and Porsche make up and Kinn admit his feelings to Porsche, some other fall out, and final coming together. I don't know how a final fall out would happen but from the moment in the preview you mentioned, it feels like it would have to. What you suggested however would be a more straightforward sort of betrayal - secret plans - make up situation. And now I just don't know! But another consideration is that we know something is coming up with Vegas and Pete. And if Vegas was still wrapped up in a situation with Porsche, I don't see how Vegas and Pete have time to happen. Something to consider...

100% agree that Kinn and Porsche need to communicate. So badly. I think we're getting there. Or we'll get partially there and maybe some outside influences will fuck it up again. But I cannot wait for the moment they do. They've actually been really good at opening up to one another from the very beginning. It's just where their feelings are concerned that we've stalled on that front. And it absolutely makes sense for that to be the case but my god, I can't wait for them to make it over that hurdle.

That final battle (assuming it's somewhere near a final battle at least) with Kinn and Porsche fighting together will for sure be the most significant and be that, 'Us against the world' we've been waiting for. I am with you there. I think everything is actually building up in a pretty logical way. They have one another. That is what they can trust. And it's tested again and again, and yet they'll come through it realizing that. So the culmination is gonna be some pretty fine pay-off I think.

[antigoneidk]

can't help falling in love|t.h.

summary: when words can't speak enough, songs will do

pairing: tom holland × reader

words: 2k

a/n: well I think we all fell in love with this Tom right? I mean who wouldn't??? Wish more of that content cause I'm a sucker for him..

"Over yours tonight?"

"Yes. Bring your guitar too."

"We're about to have fun tonight."

"As we always do!"

And when it was just the two of you, you always had a great time. The chemistry that had been developed between you and Tom was indescribable and everyone seemed jealous of what you have created. It was amazing how much two people can connect, two different souls in such a little period.

You loved your little secret "rendezvous" as you liked to call them. He'd come to your place, or you'd go to his, sip wine and talk for hours and hours about everything. From how the world was created, to how your nail broke, or the way some theories of very famous scientists may be wrong, or how his brothers crashed his car without him knowing, even analyze the way social media work, or begging him to show you videos of the set for his upcoming film. Maybe you'd complain about how early you have to wake up the next day and he'd make fun of you before he realizes that he's going to wake up as early as you. And you'd beg him to stay, or the opposite. 

And after that, you'd grab your guitars and play until you fall asleep on the couch.

He looked so handsome concentrated on not losing any chord, not ruin the melody. His brown eyes focusing on the strings, his fingers following the sound in his mind, his body relaxed, and his ears longing for your voice.

How he adored listening to your angelic voice. He couldn't explain the way his heart melted with the sweet sound of yours, his stomach filling with butterflies, his mind following the heart on this chaotic, exciting, endless road. He didn't know if he was in love or not. It was confusing inside his head. He never knew what falling in love means, the symptoms are different from one person to another. But he was only looking forward to the time he'd have to spend with you, the feeling of enthusiasm getting stronger as the day went by. He knew that you were the only one that could bring the peace he searched for, it was you that brought those feelings that he wanted to see for himself. He admitted once that he wished you'd be more than just his close friend to himself. Yet, the fear of losing you was massive and your presence in his life was more important than his feelings. So the only way was to push them to the side.

You knocked on his doorbell and fixed your guitar on your shoulder while waiting for the door to open. You looked down at your shoes noticing how dirty they got but as you were about to somehow clean them with your hand, you heard the door open and your eyes met his.

"Hi," you said cheerfully leaving the guitar to your side and wrapping your hands around his shoulder. His familiar scent came to your nose, your eyes closing for a moment enjoying his smell, but also the sensation of his arms tightening around your waist.

"Hey, beautiful" he mumbled softly and let go of you. "How are you?" he asked grabbing your guitar and closing the door behind you. 

"Now that I am here I'm so much better" you confessed. "Oh, you didn't wait for me to help"  you complained seeing that everything was already prepared for you.

"Why would I need help?" he asked.

"Because...I am your friend and you don't have to do all of these for me"

"But what happens if I want to do all of these for you?"

You stared back at him without any answer to his question. You tried to read his face, understand if he was joking or not. If he was playing with your feelings or if he was just completely clueless. His puppy eyes nearly convincing your heart that everything was true, your mind shouting to not believe this. It was a battle happening right in front of you, however, you stood still and did nothing.

"I'm pretty sure you do not so stop saying things you don't mean and let's go drink"

____________________

"But she fell in love with him Tom. She was happier than ever. She was willing to be there for him  for the rest of her life, she stood by his side through everything, his madness, his anger, his sadness, his happiness-"

"He was suffering y/n-"

"If he loved her enough-"

"Do you know how is it feel to be stuck on a chair and not move even a single finger? No matter how big your love is for someone, sometimes you're losing the fight" Tom sipped his last drop of wine and looked back at you.

"If we were in this position, would you die just like him? Even if you loved me more than anything?" you questioned.

"I seriously have no idea y/n"

"I'd live for you Tom" normally you wouldn't admit this, the wine gave you the courage though to do so. "If I was William in that stupid chair, I would want to live with you for the rest of eternity" you glanced at him meaning every word you just said. Your love for him was like no other and for sure knew that you were more than willing to move every mountain to be with him forever.

"Stop saying things you don't mean y/n" he copied your words and grabbed your guitar from the floor, unsure if he should play it cool or say something more.

"You are not romantic babe" you played it off resting your hand on the couch and placing your head at the top of it while waiting for Tom to tune the guitar. "Also I was thinking of something today while I was working"

"You were thinking again?" he asked sarcastically.

"You piece of...give me that" you laughed and took the guitar in your hands."So, as I was saying, I was thinking that maybe today you should sing with me"

"Are you drunk?" Tom asked you disagreeing already with the idea you had in mind.

"What?"

"You know that I can't sing and even if it wasn't for that I would never sing with you"

"Why?" it felt kinda offending hearing those words as you didn't know why he felt that way.

"You have the voice of an angel y/n. I'm never gonna sing with you 'cause you'll hear how bad I sound and we don't want this trust me" he pulled his guitar close to him and smiled in your direction.

"I heard you singing before and you sound incredible so cut the excuses and follow me okay?" you didn't wait for any of his complaints. You started playing the song you imagined singing with him all day. The first reason being the fact that it was an easy song to play and sing. The second reason was the lyrics of it.

"Wise men say

Only fools rush in.." you began singing.

"Come on Tom..but I can't help falling in love with you" you continued hearing only whispers.

"Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin... I can't hear you

If I can't help falling in love with you"

Tom gained some courage and started singing louder. He didn't want to be unable to hear you, it was the thing his heart desired. But your expression, your eyes wide open begging him to join you. He could resist to them ever.

And the lyrics.

"Like a river flows

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be.."

You both stared at each other as you kept going. It felt more than just a song, more than just a famous melody. Those were words that none of you had the strength to say, not even dared to try. The fear of loss, the shyness of the last minute. You were saying to yourself that his teasing was just for fun, nothing more. Tom was doing the same. It wasn't complicated at all, but both your minds trapped in this maze, wouldn't detect the way out that was right in front of your eyes.

"Take my hand, 

Take my whole life too

For I can't help falling in love with you..

For I can't help falling in love with you" 

You bit your lip and positioned the guitar to your legs keeping eye contact with him. The silence in the room was comforting, calming.  It definitely could say more than words.

Fuck it.

"I wish I could kiss you right now" Tom whispered under his breath, loud enough for you to listen. It was shocking. You blinked quite a few times doubtfully, assured that this was only a prank. But he was there looking at you, waiting for a reply. You were confused and he saw it too. His palms started sweating and his heartbeat increased in the blink of an eye. The voice inside him would stop yelling 'you screwed it' and his feeling got hurt quickly. He was ready to listen to you making fun of him, the plan that would break his heart in two. But your silence was currently the only thing he didn't want to. He searched for any signal on your face, even your body language but you were standing still as time had stopped.

"Then do it" 

He didn't hesitate for long. He was dreaming after all. Because this wasn't the reality he lived for sure. 

Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks.

He swore he heard them. The moment his lips captured yours he could hear those fireworks in his heart and ears. Bells were ringing and angels singing. Damn, I'm kissing one of them he thought. His right hand touched your neck deepening the kiss he was yearning for. Your lips in sync warm against his skin. His tongue over yours exploring your taste. Your perfume fueling his nose and brain, the butterflies dancing in their music now. 

It was magical. The goosebumps all over your skin making it even more real. Heart about to explode, all of the happiness hitting throughout your body. It was happening and still, it seemed like a fantasy. You slowly touched his chest and moved upwards to his shoulders making sure that you were really touching him and not any of your pillows. The sensation of his lips in yours was so much better than your imagination. Perfectly made for kissing you and only you.

You broke the kiss and the brightest smile he ever saw was on your lips. The lips HE was kissing.

"Y/n you have no idea how bad I wanted this to happen" he touched your forehead and with his thumb started to draw small circles. A tear rolled from your eye and dropped to his hand.

"Why did it take you so long?" you asked and closed your eyes feeling his breath hitting the skin of your face and hands.

"Baby don't cry. Please" he murmured.

"I'm just happy you know. It's no longer a fantasy or a dream. It's real" you admitted with your shaky breaths making your work hard. But you couldn't care less at that moment.

"I was afraid of losing you y/n. What if you didn't feel the same way? How was I supposed to know?"

"You wouldn't lose me okay? I'm feeling the same way Tom" you carefully brought your fingers at the top of his lips and touched them as you dreamed to. "I'm yours. I'll always be yours."

**the movie mentioned was me before you

**the song they were singing was can't help falling in love by Elvis Presley

Thank you for reading❤

[knoxyourself]

I went for it

Pairing: Wolfstar (Remus Lupin/Sirius Balck)

Words: 2,7k

Warnings: none I think

(english is not my first language so it's not perfect)

The ‘Gryffindor Pride’ party was incredibly loud, as everyone probably expected. They just won the Quidditch Cup third year in a row, it was a good reason for a party. But then again, one could always find a great reason to party with Gryffindors.

Muggle booze, brought by Mary, and Firewhiskey were flowing like waterfalls, which meant that everyone was having a great time. If not, they were few drinks away from it and soon enough it’d be just fine.

It was probably the last party of the year, right before the exams, so in all honesty everyone wanted to loosen up a little.

That’s why two sixth years were handing out bottles of butterbeer to everyone, who passed their ‘station’ at the table. Sirius and James were never ones to give up some fun, although Sirius had decided to stay sober that night. It didn’t stop him from getting James, who was currently laughing at something with Marlene, incredibly pissed.

Remus silently watched their interaction from the other sofa. He was slightly tipsy himself, but not to the point where he’d have a hangover the next morning. He watched James acting like a goofball in front of Lily – that’s when Remus heard the laugh.

His eyes involuntarily fixated on Sirius’s profile. The black-haired boy looked like he was glowing. His silvery eyes were shimmering with joy, bright smile plastered on his incredibly alluring lips. He realized, that he wanted to know what the boy tasted like, he wanted to examine every single part of Sirius’s body with his fingertips, he wanted Sirius, and he wanted Sirius to acknowledge that fact. Merlin, Remus was definitely feeling the impact of alcohol he consumed. Remus knew that he had a silly crush on the dark-haired boy, he fancied Sirius Black and he was somewhat okay with that, he just hadn’t realized, that his desire was that intense. Sirius was his best friend for fucks sake, he wasn’t keen on ruining it. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Remus slouched in his place, eyes still eagerly absorbing Sirius’s features. He only shifted his gaze when Lily plumped next to him on the couch.

“You look like you’re having fun,” she said, sarcasm present in her voice. “What’s up?”

“I am having fun.” He retorted rolling his eyes. “I think I’m drunk tho.”

Lily laughed loudly, shaking her head with amusement. She definitely drank more than the light-haired boy.

“Drunk?” she mused. “You’ve had like, what, two butterbeers?”

“I don’t do good with alcohol.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it.” Lily had a pretty good idea why Remus’s mood suddenly changed. She wasn’t stupid, she could see the longing eyes, hidden smiles, Remus’s blushing whenever Sirius came way too close. They were both more obvious than they thought. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me what’s, or rather who’s, on your mind. I think I already know enough.”

“What d’you mean?” Remus felt his ears heating up.

“Nothing,” she smiled sympathetically, patting his back. “But I think you should talk to him. I have a feeling that you won’t regret it.”

With that said, she was gone, jumping back on to the dance floor.

The moment when Remus’s eyes shifted back to Sirius, Queen’s Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy started playing on full volume. It was Lily’s doing, but Remus would never know that part of the story. He let the girls words sink in to his brain. He knew that he’d have to talk to Sirius at some point, but until that, he’d rather avoid the topic.

When he heard the first notes of the song, Sirius felt a pair of eyes staring at him. He didn’t turn around immediately. Sirius noticed Remus’s gaze earlier and he hoped that it was also the light-haired boy this time. It was a weird feeling, being watched by Remus. It always made Sirius’s stomach twist and he felt like he was drowning. But it was a good kind of drowning, he was drowning in his own feelings. The positive ones. Finally, he gave in and locked eyes with his best friend.

Remus’s eyes were smooth, warm. Almost soothing. When Sirius stared into them, he felt like he was home.

They were gazing into each other’s eyes for quite some time. Sirius needed more. He knew that Remus didn’t feel the same, but to wish was not a crime, right? He shook his head and tapped James’s shoulder.

“Prongs, I’m gonna go to Remus, you’ll be okay?” he asked the boy.

James wasn’t anywhere near sober, quite the opposite actually. He was currently arguing with equally pissed Marlene and Mary over the latter’s sexual experiences. He turned to face Sirius when he felt the tap.

“Wha-? Oh, Re-mus, sure.” James slured, sly grin forming on his lips. “Go get ‘em tiger!” He threw fist in the air while both girls laughed their asses off.

Sirius rolled his eyes in amusement, he’s never seen James this drunk.

“Don’t let him touch any more firewhiskey Marls.” Sirius looked pleadingly at the blonde.

“You are notme mother, Black.” James stumbled trying to stand up, and fell face first on the table. That of course caused another fit of laughter from the girls and a pained groan from James.

While Sirius tried to get rid of his drunk company, Remus found himself talking to a sixth year Ravenclaw. Justin Haywood sat next to him on the couch and offered him Remus’s third butterbeer.

Justin was slightly shorter than Sirius but equally good looking. He had a define jawline, deep emerald eyes that were now glossy from all the alcohol, and a blond buzzcut. He, unlike Sirius, played Quidditch so his shoulders were much broader. It suited him well.

Remus knew Justin from his Advanced Charms study group, they got along quite well. With Justin everything was easy, there wasn’t any distracting emotions, he could just talk to him and admire his physical appearance, not like with Sirius. Sirius was complicated, Remus never really knew what the dark-haired boy thought about him.

“I don’t think I understood our last assignment correctly.” Justin sighed relying slightly on Remus’s shoulder. They were going through last Charms lesson, really interesting topic to dig into during a party. “There’s shit-load of theory.”

Justin apparently was much more full-mouthed after couple of drinks. Not that Remus minded, he wasn’t a saint himself.

“I’m sure you got it just fine,” the light-haired boy laughed gingerly. “But I can help you if you’re really that worried.”

At that point Sirius finally left James with the girls. He searched the room for Remus and that’s when he saw it. Justin’s arm around Remus’s shoulders, the Ravenclaw boy leaning slightly on Remus. He came closer so he could listen on their conversation.

“So,” Haywood started with a pleased smile. “Hogsmeade this weekend?”

Unfortunately, form his place Sirius couldn’t see Remus’s face, only his back, which tensed slightly after Justin’s question.

“Oh, I um- I thought we could go over it on the study group meeting?”

Sirius wondered what was this all about, but he didn’t want to expose himself just yet.

“Well, it’s a hell of a work, I think we can meet up one on one, y’know?” Remus nodded his head, still a little tense. “So, Hogsmeade?”

“I’m actually going with James, Sirius and Peter.” Said Remus. “Sorry.”

“Aw, c’mon man!” Justin groaned playfully. “I’m sure Potter and his bitches can manage one day without you.”

Remus laughed stiffly when Justin pulled him even closer to his chest.

That was probably when Sirius lost it. Haywood was way too close to Remus, he didn’t like it. He clenched his fists and shoved them into the pockets of his jean jacket. After little to no thinking he stepped right in front of the two sixth years.

“I’m truly moved Haywood, that you care ‘bout my well being.” He sneered. “Problem is, Hogsmeade is kind of a tradition for us.”

Justin looked up lazily.

“Bullshit, you’ve missed lots of Hogsmeade trips.” He said defiantly.

“Doesn’t change the fact that Moony made plans with us first so you can kindly fuck off.”

Now it was Remus’s turn to grow mildly annoyed. He freed himself from Justin’s embrace and stood up in front of Sirius.

“What the hell Padfoot?! I can speak for myself.” He growled and then turned to face Justin. “I’m sorry Justin, but he’s right. He’s incredibly nosy, but he’s right. I can’t just cancel it, I already promised Peter I’ll go with him to Honydukes while we’re all there.”

Justin looked really disappointed for a moment, but then he just smiled brightly at Remus and also got up from the couch.

“Nah, it’s cool Remmy. We can go next time.” He caressed Remus’s cheek and disappeared in the crowd.

“Moony-“

“Don’t. Say. A. Word.” Remus cut him off sharply. “Why did you feel the need to speak on my behalf?”

Sirius didn’t answer, instead he just followed Remus through the portrait out of the common room.

“Maybe I wanted to go with him.” Remus stated sternly.

“Did you?” Sirius looked up at the boy when he finally caught up to him. “You wanted to go with him?”

Remus wouldn’t dare to say that, no, he didn’t want to go to Hogsmeade with Justin fucking Haywood. He wanted to go with Sirius. So instead of answering the question, Remus pretended not to hear.

“Great,” Sirius sighed annoyed. “Besides, I don’t really appreciate being called James’s bitch. If anything, James would definitely be my bitch.”

“Yeah sure, forgot what a princess you are.” Remus laughed despite himself. “You got any cigarettes on you?”

Sirius did a quick search through his pockets to discover that he did in fact had a pack of cigarettes. He pulled them out in triumph.

“Great. I need one.” Remus started walking up the stairs to Astronomy Tower. “You comin’?”

“You’re not mad anymore?” Sirius asked anxiously. He hated when Remus was mad at him, it always resulted in some nasty sleepless nights.,

Remus sighed heavily when they reached the top.

“I wasn’t mad in the first place.” He said after a while. “I was annoyed.”

“Well either way, I’m sorry.” Sirius handed him a cigarette. “I shouldn’t have eavesdrop or talk like I knew what you wanted.”

The light-haired boy nodded, smiling in Sirius’s direction.

“I think what annoyed me the most, was the fact that you actually knew what I wanted.” He mused. Sirius furrowed his brows questioningly, so Remus continued. “I didn’t want to go to Hogsmeade with Justin Haywood. I’d much rather hang out with my friends.”

“Good to know.” Sirius said, lighting both of their cigarettes. “You should really start going for what you really want. You deserve to be happy, you know?”

They were smoking in silence for several minutes. Sirius was admiring Remus from the corner of his eyes. Everyone knew, that Remus Lupin with a cigarette was a sight you’d want to see. It wasn’t unseen or unheard of, but it was definitely rare. And it was absolutely beautiful. It was bringing out two different, almost conflicted sides of the boy. His soft sweaters would always smell like smoke after, which changed his entire aesthetic immediately. From the soft looking-sweet-well mannered-nerdy guy that everyone knew and adored, Remus was becoming the fourth marauder, troublemaker who only a few people got to see every day. Sirius of course knew, that he was still the same guy, it was just his aura and how other people perceived him was changing, but it still was, truly, remarkable (and it was turning him on quite a bit). The way Lupin’s lips were curling around the rolled paper, almost like the cigarettes were made perfectly for his curved lips. The way smoke fell from his mouth, floating near his chin for a little longer, like it wanted to stay with him. And the smell of burning chocolate, warm and rich. In conclusion – Remus Lupin smoking cigarettes, Sirius’s cigarettes especially, was something that the dark-haired boy would willingly watch till the day he dies.

While smoking, Remus could only think about one thing. Sirius’s reaction was way out of his character. Sure, the boy was chaotic, blunt and incredibly hotheaded, impulsive, but he and Justin seemed to get along just fine before the party, even more, Sirius commented on the Ravenclaw’s Quidditch talent few times, they sometimes chatted in corridors. So what changed? Maybe, just maybe… No, he couldn’t get his hopes too high.

Remus needed answers. That’s why, when their cigarettes were almost finished, he spoke up.

“Why did you do that tho?” he asked, fully turning his body so he’d face Sirius.

“I did what?” Sirius asked visibly confused.

“Reacted that way.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“He was flirting with you, if you didn’t notice.” Sirius mumbled and Remus’s heart skipped a bit. “You were a bit tense, so I stepped in. He deserved it tho, that guy’s a git, you can do better.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked slightly confused.

“I mean, that you don’t have to limit yourself to just okay guys. And girls. You can date people, that you really like. You just have to start taking what you want. You deserve love, Moony. Don’t settle on guys like Justin just because they show interest in you.”

Remus was so stunned by Sirius’s rant, that he didn’t really know what to say. So he said the first thing that came to his mind. Why was this boy doing it to him?

“I thought you liked Justin.”

“Haywood?” Sirius snorted, he stubbed their cigarettes with his shoe and shifted his attention back to Remus. “He’s a fucking narcissist. And he’s build like a truck.”

“Truck?” Remus laughed, putting his hand on Sirius’s shoulder. He didn’t eve realized they were that close. “I happen to think that he’s quite fit.” He said as he was quite obviously checking Sirius out, love pouring out of his eyes.

“Oh, do you, now?” Sirius’s smile dropped slightly. Remus couldn’t believe that this boy could be so dense. He decided to see, how far he could go with this.

“I do, he’s a really fit bloke.” He took another step closer to Sirius. “Objectively looking, that is.”

“You know any other fit blokes?” Sirius gulped.

That was it, Remus was either fully going for it, or he was running away from his feeling as he always did. He was really close to doing the latter, but then he remembered Lily’s words from earlier. Then there was also Sirius’s behavior. Maybe there was a chance? He had to know.

Fuck it, he thought, I’m going for it.

“Fit? Yeah, but I’d rather call him beautiful.” He tried to make his voice sound as confident as he could. Their chest’s were now only centimeters away. “But I don’t think he’s got the same opinion ‘bout me.”

“Well that’s some bullshit.” Sirius breathed shakily. The dark-haired boy never seemed that nervous, Remus noted. “Everyone thinks you’re stunning.”

“You think so?” Remus whispered, his gaze dropping to Sirius’s lips for barely a second.

“Yeah. I do.” Sirius nodded eagerly. “You should totally go for it, you never know until you try it, right?”

“Right.”

This time Remus’s eyes lingered on the other boy’s lips longer. It wasn’t like in all those tacky romantic books that Lily adored so much. There wasn’t any slow-mo moment, the world didn’t magically disappear or went completely quiet. The opposite actually. Remus was extra aware of everything, every little sound was echoing in his head, he could hear his own heart pounding. Everything was screaming do it!And Sirius looked so fucking beautiful, constellations of stars locked safely in his silver eyes. Before he could register anything else, Remus was kissing Sirius.

Remus was kissing Sirius.

After all this time of hopelessly dreaming about it, he was finally doing it. He was kissing the Sirius Black.

And Sirius was actually kissing him back.

It wasn’t perfect, there was no fireworks, no orchestra playing in the background. It was rather messy, chaotic and rushed. Just two teenage boys kissing at the top of a tower in the middle of the night. But it was the best feeling in the world.

But like everything, it had to stop at some point.

Sirius gently pushed him back. Not far tho, just so he could rest his forhead against Remus’s.

“What was that?” he asked in a weak, happy voice.

Remus didn’t even had to think twice about the answer.

“I went for it.”

[softboywriting]

3AM | Nathan Bateman | Ex Machina

Summary: A rainstorm in the middle of the night is the perfect time to start confessing feelings and thoughts that have been bottled up for over a year. At least to Nathan it is. [Post Film - Nathan Lives] [Mentions of Alcoholism] [Pregnancy - Mentioned] [Soft!Nathan] [Mention of Injury - Film Canon] [Fluff with Angst] [F!reader/Nathan] [Established Relationship]

Word Count: 1.8k

|Masterlist In Bio|

Nathan doesn't sleep on his own anymore unless it's raining, not without help. Drinking, some over the counter non prescription sleeping medication, physical exhaustion. He will do anything to make himself sleep, except see a doctor. Nathan doesn't like doctors, he thinks most are liars and cheats who just want to scam people out of their money. You have no idea where he got the theories he has but he won't see medical professionals unless he absolutely cannot handle the situation himself. He is a genius but maybe too in his head for his own good.

You're not sure why this all started, but you can pinpoint when it started. A year ago, a year and three months ago after his last failed AI. Failed isn't the right word. They aren't failures, they're incredible works of art and science but not what he wants so in his eyes, failures. Ava was his best work to date and he even brought in an outside civilian to try her out with someone other than himself. He never lets you in with the AI. Says he is protecting you. Things with Ava escalated, got heated and Nathan got seriously hurt. After she was detained, Nathan was forced to shut the breaker down to Ava's room so she couldn't power back up after her battery ran down and he could safely disassemble her after he healed. After that he became closed off, more so than usual. The drinking got worse and the sleeplessness started. It has put a strain on your relationship that sometimes it feels like it only affects you.

So when you wake up in the middle of the night and go to the kitchen for a bottle of water and see Nathan passed out on the couch you think he's drunk again. A topic of many arguments and one you don't want to breach at three in the morning. So you tiptoe quietly past him to your destination. It's then that you see the rain pelting the glass walls of the house. Wind whipping around the trees and making a muffled howling sound. You wish Nathan would come to bed, your shared bed, but he won't if he's been hitting the bottle because he knows you hate it. Maybe you can get him to move off the couch if he's just asleep because of the rain.

"What's that noise?" He groans and you stop by the doorway to the inner workings of the house, bottle of water in hand. "Kitten? That you?"

"Yes, I was getting water. Do you need something?"

"Noise?" He asks insistently.

You cross the room and he lifts his arm from his eyes. "It's a storm. Pretty bad one if I were to guess."

"Oh."

"Mmhmm. Do you want to go sit on the enclosed deck? I know you like to watch the rain."

Nathan sits up and fixes his crooked glasses. "What time is it?"

"Three A.M."

"Fuck." He pushes up off the couch and goes to the window leaning against it with his forearms up on the glass, eyes fixated on something out in the dark. "I must have passed out."

"Yeah, it's raining." You walk up behind him and lay a hand between his shoulder blades. "You always sleep when it's raining."

Nathan glances back at you. "I do?"

"Yes." You chuckle. "You don't know?"

"I sleep without the rain too, that's ridiculous."

"No, you get black out drunk and pass out or your body physically shuts down because you go too long without rest." There is a hint of venom in your words that you don't intend but it's a touchy subject. You miss him in your bed. You miss him in general. Since Ava things haven't been the same and you're getting tired of it.

Nathan doesn't say anything. He just stares out at the darkness. You hate his silence. It's almost worse than when he's talking to you like you're a child, which he rarely does now since you've discussed how that doesn't fly with you. Silence is his new way of saying he is right about everything.

"Nate," you start and he pushes off the glass, walking away to the kitchen. "Nathan, where are you going?"

"Deck."

------------------

The moment you're seated together on the wooden bench in the enclosed deck, he decides to speak. It's not loud but it makes your heart rate spike when he begins. You're not sure why. Maybe you can feel something coming.

"I've been thinking."

"You're always thinking."

"No," he looks over and you can tell by the way his eyes are softened that he's serious and he wants you to listen and not talk back right now. "I want to stop drinking."

You lay your hand on his thigh and he covers it with his own. You've never known him to have this serious of a conversation with you. Not even when he said I love you the first time. Nothing has felt this important. "Why?"

"For you." He leans his head on your shoulder and you rub your cheek against his stubbly hair. "I know you don't like it and I can see it's putting a strain on our relationship."

"I definitely wouldn't mind it. I do miss you."

"I'm right here, every day."

"You know that isn't what I mean."

"I know." He murmurs. You don't think you've ever heard him speak so softly outside of sleepy cuddling, let alone hear him agree with you so quickly. This is scaring you. It makes you think something is wrong.

You rub your hand over his cheek, fingers flexing in his beard. "Is something going on? Did something happen to bring this all about?"

"Do you think I'd be a good dad?"

You pause, thrown for a loop at such a left field question. "A good dad? Nathan...I don't know."

"You can say no."

"That's not my answer." You look out at the rain. You don't know what he would be like as a dad. Having children changes people. As he currently is, no, Nathan would not be a good dad. He's too stubborn, bossy, impatient and absent. He has too much going on in the lab to focus on raising a human being. "It's complicated."

"Simplify it."

"I don't know how you are with children. I've never seen that side of you. But that doesn't matter. How a person is with someone else's kids versus how they act when it's their own is different. It's not a black and white answer."

"Do you want children?"

You sigh and look at him. He looks distant, zoned out. If you didn't know better you'd think he was drunk or stoned. "Maybe. It's not something I think about a lot. Do you? It seems you're thinking about it quite a bit more than me."

"I thought about it today. I thought about a lot of things today, and yesterday. What day is it? Nevermind it doesn't matter."

"What have you been thinking about? Other than children obviously."

"Like how I've never loved someone, or anything more than I love you. I didn't even think myself capable of love until I thought I was going to die after Ava's attack and my first thought was not that I was scared of death, but that you would be alone and you would have to see me die."

"Nathan, honey..." You slide your hand across his stomach where, beneath the soft cotton shirt, lies a very large scar. You'll never forget that night. It was a nightmare come to life.

A cool wetness comes across your arm, and you think it is the rain at first. Somehow leaking through the roof. But then you realize it's Nathan. He's crying for the first time since you met him, since you fell in love with him. He is crying silently.

There are no words to be said as you gather his head to your chest and hold him tight. He's been holding on to this for a long time. It wasn't just yesterday he was thinking about it. It's been a year and three months. You imagine he has been tormenting himself every day with the thought of leaving you alone, of you coping with his death. If only it didn't take so long for him to come clean.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, clinging to your back. "I won't leave you."

"I won't leave you either."

"I'm not making AI anymore. Not the conscious kind. Ava was too much, I played God and I realize I shouldn't have."

This is astounding. Nathan never apologizes, never admits fault or denies his works. You don't know who this is. This is not your Nathan. "Is there something more you want to tell me?"

"Yeah."

Your stomach aches, and a cold shiver tears it's way through your body. You have no idea what he is going to say. The worst is that he's dying, you think. "Out with it then. You're not one to dilly dally with words."

"Marry me."

"What?"

Nathan slides off the bench and stands in front of you. He doesn't kneel. He would never kneel. "Marry me." He puts his hand out for you. It's not so much a question as it is a command. How very Nathan. If he were any other person you would tell them off for this kind of harsh proposal.

"I thought you didn't believe in marriage."

"I didn't believe in love either but here I am."

You stand up and he takes your hands, rubbing his thumbs over the tops. "You want to marry me and have kids? Who are you?"

"I'm Nathan." He leans in and presses his forehead to yours. "I'm the Nathan that you broke down emotionally piece by piece for the last two years and this is what's left."

"A softie?"

"I wouldn't say I'm soft. I'm more...attuned to my emotional responses."

You reach up and hold his face in your hands, head still pressed to his. "I think I love this Nathan more. Is that harsh?"

"No." He nudges forward, bumping your nose and presses a quick kiss to your lips. "But don't expect me to be any softer in bed."

"I would never."

"Good. So you accept?"

"Accept?"

"My proposal."

You laugh softly under your breath. "That was a proposal? It didn't sound like a question, but rather a command."

Nathan smiles, that troublesome glint in his eye. "Semantics. So will you?"

You roll your eyes and smile. "Yes. I'll marry you Nathan."

"Good." He pulls you in, hips flush to his, pressing his face to your neck. He kisses along your throat, leaving wet licks across your jaw. "Now I can put a baby in you," he murmurs against your ear.

You smack him in the back and he chuckles.

"Come on." He wraps his arms around you and hauls you up against his chest. "I've done some research. I know all the best positions to get you nice and full."

"Nathan!"

"Oh shut up." He walks you back toward the kitchen, biting on your shoulder. "You love it dirty."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes?"

"I hate you."

"Love you too."

--------------

end

Thank you! Please Comment and reblog if you read and or enjoyed -A

*****Note: none of my works should be posted anywhere outside of my linked accounts. I do not give permission to repost with or without credit to my accounts. Please notify me of any reposted works.*****

[mah-gah-lee]

They had been lovers - (alex mercer x sibling! reader) + (luke patterson x reader)

words count: 2052

request: no

summary:  Y/N find a huge secret about his brother and need some time alone. But Alex seems to want talking about all of this.

warnings: sadness (?)

a/n : I tried to make this fic gender neutral, I’m not sure I've succeed but I really tried.

If you want to be tagged in my next fic, let me know! Don’t forget to tell me if you've liked it!  

tagged: @standingtalllove​ @happinessinthedarkesttimes​  @asdfghjkl-fanfics  @lukeys-giggle​

The night was beautiful, the clear and dark sky made it possible to see the thousands of small dots twinkling. The stars were multiplying in the sky like the hundreds of thoughts going through your head. You were serene, calm and the immensity of the night did not scare you. You wouldn't trade your seat for anything in the world. Even though your head was full, you had the strange feeling of being emptied. Being alone on this roof didn’t scare you, on the contrary, it washed away all the anxieties that had been created in the hollow of your chest these last hours. After finding out about this secret, you couldn't blame your brother. Or rather, you couldn't be mad at him for that reason. But you were hurt. A twenty-five years silence had been broken, an intimate information Alex had kept deeply for himself, for them. A secret that destroyed the dusts of hope that had formed in your soul since you were fourteen. The theories about twins have never been truer than now: they shared everything, down to the person they had feelings for.

 This will teach you to dig through your old stuff. But could the boys really blame you? The loft was a mess, it was flooded with all your stuff. Rose seemed to have kept everything: some of the boys' clothes - most of which belonged to Luke since he had mostly lived in the garage when he had run away - their instruments, the many songbooks, the demos, the band's banner, but also, countless memories like many Polaroids.

Among the photos that you had browsed to get drunk of the times when the four of you were still alive, you have discovered some more intimate than others. It all started with a photo of Alex asleep on the sofa: "First night", another where you could see two hands intertwined, you recognized Luke's rings. Alex also wore rings, but it was the tricolor bracelet that made you realize it was him with Luke. Another cliché was becoming even more obvious: Luke licking Alex's cheek as your brother grimaced in mock disgust. In the white space of the Polaroid it was written in black felt-tip pen with a messy handwriting: "playing with the handsome boyfriend"

 But it was the last picture that broke your heart. Luke seemed to be the most romantic of the couple, which surprised you a bit as your brother was quite sentimental. The last shot showed the guitarist, supposedly lying on the sofa bed. Around his neck, Alex's blonde head could clearly be seen. He was tight against him, hiding, perfectly asleep. Both were shirtless, which made you uncomfortable looking at the photo. Once again, a note was written on the white space of the polaroid: "a year of love".

 One year. A full year, twelve months of a secret relationship and maybe even more. How long have they loved each other? How long had it lasted? Because you couldn't really deny this information anymore, the photo made it obvious: they had been lovers.

 A distinct pop sound was heard. The sound of a few footsteps on the roof tiles caught your attention, but you didn't move. The movements approached you, a fuzzy pink shape giving you a clue to the disruptor of your thoughts. Soon, the intruder comes to lie down next to you, leaving you overwhelmed by the scent of his cologne. You don't need all these little details to recognize your neighbor on the right. There was only one person who allowed himself to enter into such a private moment: your brother.

 You felt blue and you let the darkness of the night engulf you. The secret that you had discovered explained many things like: this complicity that Alex shared with him and only him, the small touches, the looks that you had sometimes intercepted between the two musicians. You knew now: They had been lovers.

 Silence reigned for several minutes without it being awkward, neither of you or Alex knowing how to start this conversation. Come to think of it, was there really a need to discuss it? It was the drummer who finally broke the silence.

 “y/n…i’m sorry”

 You let out a sigh before smiling weakly into the night. It was typical of your brother: apologizing when there was no need. Alex was a sensitive person and even under his armor of sarcasm he was incredibly gentle.

 “why are you apologizing about, ‘lex?”

“I didn’t know. I’m your brother, your twin, and I didn’t know.”

“I am the one who hides his emotions the best.”

"Why didn't you tell me?"

 Slowly you turned your head to look deeply at your brother. You could see the worry in his eyes but also the regret. This question, you could very well have asked him in return because between you two, it was him who had hidden a huge secret. But you couldn't blame him, it was his right. You didn't have any and that's why you kept your feelings quiet.

 "Because you would have tried to control your feelings to make me happy."

 Alex couldn't lie about it. It didn't matter what he had been through with the guitarist and lead singer of their band. If he had known his sibling had feelings for Luke, he would have suppressed his in a second. Despite your lying positions, you could see him look down, seeming to consider your words. He knew you were right, that he would have done anything for you even if it meant sacrificing his feelings for his best friend.

 "Alex, you have the right to be happy."

 But it was not enough. Your brother was moving his thoughts like you had done a few minutes before. This situation seemed to upset him, like any situation involving change.

 "’Lex ..."

 The blond drummer turned his face to you, lost. You knew you would have to find the right words, in addition to repeating the ones you had already said just a few seconds ago. You sighed to give yourself a little courage, helping him to find a calm that had escaped very slightly.

 "I don't blame you. We don't control how we feel. I'm not mad at you. You deserve to be happy, Alex."

 A faint smile played on the corners of Alex's lips as a few tears beaded from his eyes. Slowly, you stretched out your hand to erase them with the back of your index finger. It was your turn to be the protective sibling. Sometimes Alex needed to be reminded that he was important and that thinking about himself wouldn't hurt him.

  You've always had a crush on Luke. You realized your feelings for your brother's best friend when you were fourteen. You had never declared yourself, however, considering that the friendship that existed between your brother and the guitarist was too precious. Friendship ... If only you had known that there had always been more than that between them. Because the reality was there: They had been lovers

 But despite your feelings, you had always been close to Luke, as you were to Reggie. They were first and foremost Alex's best friends, but step by step they had become yours.

 “Does he know? Does he know that…I love him ?” you asked

“I think he's starting to understand.”

 Since your arrival in 2020, things had changed between you and Luke. The first time the guitarist had been to see his parents, Alex, Reggie and you had followed him in secret. But when the boys left, finding it best to leave Luke alone, you stayed. You stayed until he saw you and got angry. You stayed until he exploded again, in your arms as you ran your hands through his messy hair, kissing the top of his head tenderly to give him the much-needed comfort. Because deep down you knew. You knew Luke just needed to be loved again, he needed to be “touched” after seeing his parents again.

 After that moment everything started to change. It was like Luke needed your presence all the time, to feel against him. He was eager to hug you, rub his nose on your neck, or just kiss your cheek. You had the impression to feel his gaze sliding over you more than usual, you melted when he gave you a warm smile. But all of this, all of these signs that you thought you saw might have just been your imagination.

 Silence came over you again and once again it wasn't embarrassing. You liked the silence, you liked looking at the stars without any noise around you. Only your breaths disturbed this soothing silence. As you gazed at the sky, you couldn't help but countless thoughts cross your mind. You had so many questions for Alex. How did it happen? When did it happen? How long had it lasted? Were they still together today? You seemed to know that last answer already, having noticed the looks Luke had been giving Julie over the past few weeks, especially at the concert they played Finally Free. But the only question that crossed your lips was this one:

 “Do you still love him?”

 You looked back at your brother, only to see him smirk, almost nostalgic.

 “Part of me always will. He’s my first love.”

 It seemed like a logical answer and it broke your heart once again, although on a certain side hearing this from your brother seemed to hit you less and less hard. Reality hit you with less pain. You were starting to get used to this idea. They had been the most important person to each other for a year: they had been lovers.

 “You know…it’s over…between me and him”

 Unconsciously, your brother had answered one of the questions you had been asking yourself since the moment you discovered this secret. In a way, you were sad to hear that your brother was no longer with Luke. That their relationship was over and your curiosity took precedence, once again.

 “why?”

“because we work better by being best friend. Because I know he’s falling for someone great.”

 You regretted your question now. Luke had evolved, just like Alex was currently doing with Willie, although that's what led you to Caleb and those really painful electric shocks. But it was obvious, Luke was also starting to recover from this love affair and you noticed how not special you were another one was. All those looks, those moments where your skin had touched, everything was in your head, everything was only the rantings of a teenager in love.

 “Yeah, Julie is great”. you said with a little disappointment in your voice

 Alex chuckled. You had both risen to a sitting position. Your arms circled your knees as you rested your chin on them. You turned your head towards your brother, raising an eyebrow. And despite the darkness of the night, he could see your questioning expression thanks to the reflection of the moon on your face.

 “It’s not Julie I was thinking about”

“Reggie?”

 Alex laughed again before sighing gently. You couldn't be so oblivious or you just tried to ignore the possibility, shielding yourself from possible teenage grief.

 “You.”

"Me?"

“Yes, y/n. You. Luke is falling for you. ”

“But… Alex… he’s.. And, you ..”

“I'm okay with that. You deserve to be happy and I know you’ll be good to each other.”

 In perfect timing, the distinctive sound of a pop was heard behind you. Alex looked up and his shy smile confirmed the doubt that had settled in you as to the identity of this new arrival. Your brother gave you a protective look and then gave you a slight wink.

 "I think you need to talk to each other."

 The blond drummer stood up cautiously and when you turned your head to see him go, you noticed the hand he placed on Luke's shoulder. And the last thing you heard before your brother disappeared into a ghostly cloud was, "I trust you. Take care of her/him like you took care of me, Luke."

 They had been lovers and now, strange as it may sound, you had Alex's blessing ... leaving you the possibility for Luke as for you, of being, in turn: lovers.

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" from The Owl House

Salutations, random people on the internet who most likely won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons!

When Dana Terrace did her AMA on Reddit, a fan asked what we could expect for the new season. To which she replied by listing five things:

Parental conflict

A lot of emotions

Island exploration

New characters

...There's a fifth thing in there. You just got to look closely.

Now, when Dana mentioned parental conflict, dozens of fans assumed she was talking about Alador and Odalia, which, I mean...valid. They were the only two parental figures who presented any real conflict, and the idea of Camila being involved seemed implausible due to Luz being cut off from the human world. But no matter how you perceived that line, one thing’s for sure: No one expected Eda and Lilith's mother to be a source of conflict!

Yup. Today we met the woman who created two of the (former) greatest witches in all of the Isles. Was her introduction welcomed? Or did she give the Blights a run for their money for the "Worst Parent(s) of the Year" award? Only spoilers can answer those questions, so keep that in mind as we go in-depth with "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances."

Let's review, shall we!

WHAT I LIKED

The Flashback: Already, this episode comes out swinging by giving us so much information! We get an explanation of what Eda goes through when cursed (which is horrifying), the reasoning behind her gem, the revelation that Eda ran away from home, and the reveal of how she got the portal door. The best part is, none of it feels rushed or forced. Eda's curse and the portal are integral threads to this story, both in this episode and in future ones. Tying them together sets up Gwendolyn's determination to cure her daughter while showing Eda's determination to escape her mother by skipping town into another dimension. There's also a sense of mystery in how and why the portal was in their backyard. And judging by how we got all of this incredible information in episode FOUR of the new season, something tells me we'll get answers to those questions sooner than we might think. This was such a strong opening to the episode. Despite giving so much information, it makes fans like me want even more. Which is an A+ in my book.

Gwendolyn: Yeah, might as well step out the gate in saying that I like Gwen...but I can already see how others won't. Immediately, she sets herself up as a mother who would do anything and everything to cure her daughter. That aspect of her character is perfect, and it quickly won points from me in terms of liking her. It's just that Gwendolyn's disregard of what Eda wants and the complete dismissal of Lilith are aspects of Gwen that are certainly going to rub some people the wrong way. Especially if those kids come from households where their parents are a lot like Gwendolyn. I was in the same boat of hating her too for a while, but thankfully, the last act saved her.

First, there's that scene where Gwendolyn threatened the lives of the demons for not only screwing her over but making things worse for Eda. It's one of those "Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned" moments that I always love to see.

Then there's the fact that Gwendolyn learns her lesson and, more importantly, apologizes. Not many actual abusive mothers would do that (Looking at you, Odalia), so it's nice to see that she makes an effort to make amends. Oh, and by the way, since I mentioned it, don't go around calling Gwendolyn abusive. She isn't. Or, at least, not to my eyes. If anything, she's a lot like Sara Fitzgerald from My Sister's Keeper (The book. Not the movie. The movie sucked).

In that story, Sara makes controversial choices that result in her youngest daughter Anna getting the short end of the stick due to putting all attention towards her eldest Kate. But here's the thing: KATE HAS CANCER! So while Sara's choices are beyond questionable, you can understand her point. And if you don't, well, I'd see how you would react when in her shoes. Trust me when I say that situations like this aren't always cut and dry. It's the same with Gwendolyn. She's far from "Mom of the year," but you understand where she's coming from. She wants to do what she can to help Eda, even if her methods could have been better. But that's just how I feel, and I can't speak for everyone who dealt with mothers far worse than her. If you refuse to forgive her, I'll understand. But to me, I consider Gwendolyn a worthy addition to the series.

(Plus, she just radiates Grandma energy when interacting with Luz. It's cute, and therefore I must love it!)

Luz: This season is on FIRE when presenting Luz!

I adore that the first thing we see her doing in this episode is sleeping after, most likely, another all-nighter to find a new portal. It proves that she has a determination made of iron and an intense dedication to getting back to Camila. In fact, it's that dedication that works as a perfect way to build a connection between Luz and Gwendolyn. They both want to reconnect with their families and are willing to do whatever it takes to do so.

Regardless, despite so desperately wanting to see Camila again, I'm glad that Luz still has common sense when it comes to helping Eda. She quickly sees that Gwen's cures are doing more harm than good, and it's great that Luz is the one to call malarky on the whole thing. No one had to spell things out for her because she's smart enough to notice that everything Professor Warlop is marketing feels a lot more like the fake medicine real people sell in the human world. It's a testament that despite having a big heart and the best intentions, Luz still has the intelligence to know when something is up and put a stop to it. And, again, let's hope that more people pick up on that.

Lilith: ...who would have expected Lilith of all characters to have most of the emotional moments in this episode?! I sure didn't!

But...Yeah. Lilith is the best thing in "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances." On top of her seeking Gwendolyn's approval being relatable for some viewers, it's also really heartbreaking. I mean, listen to the shocked and hurt tone in her voice after finding out Gwen visited Eda regularly. That alone should give away how much Gwendolyn is important to Lilith and says so much about how strained their relationship became after the curse. Then there's that scene where she just breaks down, feeling both scared and torn apart by the fact that she experienced the curse in its full form and could do nothing to stop herself. It...stung. That's the best way to describe it. It stung seeing a character who is (mostly) cool and collective to become so vulnerable and broken. And, you know what? It's because of this that Lilith has won me over. I still don't think she should have been as forgiven as quickly as she was, but after learning what Lilith went through and what she's currently going through, I'm more than willing to be ok with her. And--I can't believe I'm saying this--I'm going to miss her being a part of the Owl House. She earned her place, in my opinion, creating entertaining dynamics with everyone. Sure, she'll make appearances every now and again, but I wouldn't mind a few more episodes with her being with the main group. But I'm positive the writers will have plans for her in the future and seeing how well she was written in this, I can't wait to see what they do next.

King Hoping to see his Dad Again: This was just a cute tidbit that ties nicely into last week's episode. Bonus points for that scene where King and Lilith get drunk off of Night Market ice cream. It got a good chuckle out of me, especially when Hooty was the one who ended up being the voice of reason.

Cursed Lilith: ...How does she look worse and more terrifying than Eda?

How Beast Keeping Magic Works: Not much I can say about this. It's neat to be given a visual explanation of how Beast Keeping magic works and how it's more than just controlling animals. Judging by the roof shingles, it can also be making objects more animal-like. It's pretty cool, and I hope to see more of how the rest of the magic from the prominent covens work.

Luz wasn’t the only human: To tell you the truth, this doesn't surprise me. Eda did say that every myth humans have is a bit of the Boiling Isles leaking into the human world, so why can't the opposite be true? However, the reveal of there being a famous human around many years ago presents many more questions, and possible theories, that deserve to be discussed in a future post. For now, I'll just say that it's awesome how this reveal perfectly transitions us to next week's episode, "Through the Looking Glass Ruins." We already know Luz is going to the library. But, seeing how Gus is going to be a prominent character in that episode as well, he probably wanted to tag along with Luz to study about the first human in the Boiling Isles. Only to then get sidetracked by some cool kids from Glandis. It's in the realm of possibility, thus proving how more serialized this season compared to Season One while still being somewhat episodic. Because even if "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" presents a lot for the overall story, it's still its own tale about family relationships and knowing how to truly be there for the people you love. Resulting in a necessary and cute episode that ends on a wholesome note without any major surprises like--

Creepy Clone Luz: ...

...Dana Terrace, you lying--YOU SAID CREEPY LUZ WAS A FARCE! IN THE SAME AMA, TOO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU AND YOUR SNAKE TONGUE, GOSH DANGIT!

...Alright, now that I got my overreaction out of the way, this was an amazingly well-written surprise!

Tricking fans into thinking that Camila is crying over the realization that Luz is gone, only to then reveal this...thing, is the best shock to the system that this series has done so far. Even better, it results in all the right questions:

Who is it?

What is it?

Where did it come from?

When did it get there?

How did it get there?

How does it know about Camila?

And why? Just, why?

To me, a series that presents all of these questions, and makes me excited for whatever answers are given, is a series that's doing something right. Because if I'm still reeling over something that lasts for a second, despite seeing the episode hours ago, that is a testament to how good a surprise really is.

WHAT I DISLIKED

Trust me, I want to give this episode the A+ just for that ending alone. But, there are some issues I have that are worth discussing.

Eda’s Outfit Change: I know. It's the nitpickiest of all nitpicks I could present. Particularly because Eda doesn't even look bad (although that's no surprise). The issue is that it feels weird that Eda's having this permanent outfit change in the fourth episode of Season Two. Or, to me it is, at least. Because I think that if you're going to give a small yet constant change to the look of a character, it should be done right away. Like, in the first episode of a new season. I highly doubt fans would question why Eda is wearing different clothes by then, so it wouldn't be too bad if the first time we see her, she’s sporting a new outfit. Again, this is just me, and I have no problems with the outfit itself. It just seems odd they would do this later rather than sooner.

Screwing with Eda: I...did not like this. At all. It was funny at first to see Luz and Gwendolyn lure Eda with Apple Blood like how Wile E. Coyote would bait the Road Runner with birdseed, but it quickly took a turn. Because I don't want to see Eda meet inconvenience after inconvenience from her mother and surrogate daughter. I like Eda, and seeing her happy makes me happy. If I wanted to laugh at a character's suffering, I would have picked Boscha, Mattholomule, Alador, and/or Odalia. This? This was just unnecessary cruelness to a character who doesn't deserve it. And it takes up a good chunk of this episode, making me question whether or not this would be the stinker I was fearing. Fortunately, the ending increased my enjoyment by several notches, but that doesn't change how this was the low point of "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances."

IN CONCLUSION

Despite the road being rocky in the middle, I still consider "Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances" to be another solid A episode. The first and last few minutes have some quality writing that adds more to the characters, ongoing plot, and mystery that the series is building up. It's one of those important episodes you can't skip when watching a series, but given how it's keeping the new season's impeccable track record, I fail to see how that's a problem.

(Although, I am scared. We haven't gotten a stinker yet, and I really don't want it to be next week's episode. It's a Gus episode with sweet Lumity content on the side! That cannot fail!)

[suntzumonkfoo]

I was gonna mumble something but my MIND!

SHEESH! Ya know?

*Hack!* Yuck

fuck it

thumb s gone limp.....I'm liquid. Shit... sounds like I'm golfing with Trump

What?

Shut up I'm gibbering nonsense you non sense of humor having...Holy Quran grabbing maniac with a lowly status

Oh wait. I'm not talking. Walking with a walky talky standing tall as I flock along with the rest of the insurance risks I'm a legislative lingo Bingo! We go there at night a ghost in a nightmare

I call the Hammer at anytime or place as long as I'm slipping on a slipper or lying there whimpering

Some sympathy?

Yes I'm an Impish twit who limps cause he thinks it hip a fairy like like a swagger I'm serious I prance about merrily through varied states of everything holy and very terrifying streets mold me

I'm not leering at you I'm staring at stars

That's not Covid

I got SARS

A naturalist.

With a list of unnatural species I recently breathed in in my creases and mucus lined membranes

Who can say if I make it?

Meh.

I'm waving at you like a maniac

You stare and mainly stay in character

How American

How hilarious

Smart and funny is something so money

Sexiness in the mix is a hex I need on my fiction

Reality vision I mean I am an intermission

Accidents waiting to happen like Steve Urkel

But hopping up quick

Mopping up this mess

I'm waiting to zap in and make a display of bad manners right before I go to get my manicure

I'm curing my Ham and I'm slathering mayonnaise on a ...

Wait that's not a sandwich. I'm sorry, Don. I wasn't even awake! I was at a wake drunk what a mistake

Ya....

I was talking with my eyes opened wide...

I was smoking something irradiated it made me behave in a way I may I have mainly pains me to say anything I'm painting a picture...

It's raining

talking surprisingly eloquent for a maniac

I'm reasoning out my attributes and my blood saturated cats and I'm...

What's? The cats are bloody. I don't know. They're fucking cats. I didn't study Cat Theory

I studied stealing

Anyway I was blathering on about some impermanent permean mass extinction event like when perms went out in the 80s

Don't call me a jerk cause I call out entire countries for vermin from Vermont to Europe one thing stays current

💲 Currency 💲💲

💵

Currency is a current event it's been current since men were fucking neanderthal women in Germany 40000 years ago

It's a fairly fair system but it gets twisted men are a mystic ape with an evolutionary fate

some creep from their country does

There was an empty pause

I meant it as a joke but in 21 it was an obviously dumb thing to say fueled by the bum who sells me hairspray spraying me in face

Not a bad taste

I

.Most ain't Casper I'm telling ya they're wacked out of their minds on some made up pretentious disaster that never happened

But it's kinda nice now KNOWING the whole 🌎 crazy or at least the few who grace me with their smiling faces as they pass me in the halls of the Mall I live in a

Mall?

He'll I'm the crazy one. Sorry. Just smelled my tummy. I smell crummy.

I'm writing this as run up to my run of incredible legible level 10 sellable pickle relish that I just felt in my head it's a mellow vinegary taste

I was in a hurry

Obviously I'm not in a hurry now

I scurry at a pace laid back for such a vermin as me

I'm from Vermont and I'm sure not your not New to my Hampshire ways you heard?

[piracytheorist]

A Kiss for Good Luck (14/16)

Summary: So this is the story of one born lucky, and one born unlucky. Fate will keep making them cross paths, but is it to bring them together, or to test them? Captain Swan AU.

A/N: Would you look at that. The 14th chapter, which includes some fluff and general romantic feelings (and some angst, I mean, you know me), is being uploaded on Valentine’s Day. I swear I hadn’t planned any of that XD

Rating: T (make sure you’re okay with the warnings on AO3)

Word count for this chapter: 3.3k (51k in total) AO3

Read from the beginning: Tumblr | AO3

~

Chapter 14: Emma Swan and Killian Jones, June 23rd 2016

The sun has barely come out when Killian wakes up. For a moment he wonders if he dreamed the previous night, but his doubts wash away as he turns around on the couch, still in the clothes he wore the previous night. A thin sheet is on the floor next to him. He must’ve kicked it off in his sleep.

He gets up and walks to the door to his bedroom; it's half open and he can see Emma sleeping soundly on his bed. He leans on the door frame for a moment and watches her. He was too drunk the previous night for his brain to even fully register she'd come, let alone why.

Could she know? Did she figure it out too?

The lack of a headache despite his drinking the previous night leads him to think that yes, she did, and she made sure to rid herself of the luck as soon as she met him, just as he'd predicted.

He silently picks up fresh clothes and jumps in the shower. When he comes out, Emma has woken up and is tiredly leaning on the same door frame he was leaning before.

Killian takes a brisk step towards her, intending to kiss her, but she pulls back in time.

“Sorry,” Emma says. “It doesn't mean- it's not that I don't want to...”

He looks at her. “You know. You figured it out.”

She shrugs. “Same way you did.”

“I should have showed you where the water heater is last night. You want to take a shower?”

“That would be nice.”

He leans towards her again. “Will you allow me just this, so that I can be sure you won't slip in there and hit your head?”

“Killian...”

“Please.”

“I came here to give you your luck back. It was yours to begin with.”

He sighs. “Can we have this discussion when we're both properly awake?"

She nods and he leaves a kiss on her cheek. Emma seems ready to complain, but is too jet-lagged to do so. He walks past her to his bedroom. “I'll bring you clean towels.”

Emma lets the warm water wash over her, finally feeling the exhaustion wear off a little. She's not surprised to hear the sound of something, probably a plate, breaking in the kitchen. Feeling guilty, she turns the water off and puts soap on.

She's already feeling much better. Is jet-lag all a matter of luck?

She wouldn't really know. In all her plane trips before she met Killian – officially – she was the one who was the lucky one.

She peeks briefly at Killian when she comes out. He's sitting on the couch, waiting with two cups of coffee on the table in front of him.

She puts on clean clothes and joins him, sitting next to him and preparing for a kiss.

He leans away a bit, but still smiling at her.

“You figured it out before you left,” she says. “That's why you skipped back through the queue to come kiss me.”

He lowers his head. “I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I'd left and knowingly taken the luck with me.”

“But you gave it to me, as if... as if it was so simple.”

“You would have done the same.” He looks at her. “Isn't that why you came here without saying anything?”

She suddenly remembers she should have cancelled her hotel reservation. It's too late now to have any chance for a refund, luck notwithstanding. “You did lie to me,” she says teasingly, staring into his eyes. “You were that pirate boy in that Halloween party.”

He sighs, smiling slightly. “I have no idea how I managed to lie so smoothly at that point.”

“Is that when you realized it? You covered it pretty well.”

“But you still knew there was something wrong.”

Of course she did. They were, somehow, an open book to each other.

“Do you remember the next time?” she asks.

“In that club in New York City.”

“I... I remember the gunshots,” she says in a low voice. She doesn't miss the slight twitch of his lips. “It was... it was you, wasn't it? And your girlfriend.”

Killian closes his eyes. He feels his head hurt, and that's certainly not from the current lack of luck.

Emma can't hold a sniffle back in time, and Killian immediately says, “It wasn't your fault.”

“It's so messed up. If I hadn't kissed you...”

“You asked me first.”

“I didn't ask you if you wanted-”

“Emma, please.” His voice is shaking, and it shuts her up. “You didn't know. And... Milah's loss, watching her being murdered... it hasn't healed completely.” He lifts his head to look at her. “It's enough to deal with by itself, I can't...”

He lowers his head again, and Emma bites at her lip, shaken by the pain written on his face. He's right. She shouldn't feel guilty over it, and even if she does, she can't burden him with it.

He takes a deep breath and looks at her again, face calmer now. “I think it would have happened anyway. You think all the times we met were a coincidence? We're from two different parts of the world, and we met three times before we even had the chance to catch each other's names. And we kissed in all of them.”

“You think it's just fate?”

“It's a cruel game she's played on us, but I can't find any logical explanation.”

“Could it be a test?”

“Of what?”

“Of who will be the first to run off with luck on their side.”

Killian thinks for a moment. “I hadn't thought of that. That sounds even more cruel, considering we'd have to steal the luck from each other. And with a kiss, no less.”

“I can't imagine what you must have been thinking after you kissed me at the airport.” She takes his hand in hers. “If there really is a test involved, I'm pretty sure you passed it.”

“Maybe it's long-term. Just yesterday a bird shat on my head.” He snorts a laugh. “A few too many of those and I would be back on a plane to Boston.”

“So... what do we do?” Emma says, but she's perfectly sure it's a question he's having as well.

“You won't settle on keeping the luck for yourself when you go back, will you?”

Her face crumbles, and he doesn't stop her when she captures his lips in hers.

“Not a chance,” she says and leans her head on his shoulder.

After a short silence, he says, “When did you figure it out?”

“Three days ago, I think.”

“And you came here that fast?” His voice raises in pitch.

“I couldn't stay still as soon as I knew. And well, I did buy a lottery ticket and, you know...”

He leans back a little to look at her. His expression is not that same smile that usually breaks her; it's sadder, with a pinch of surprise, but it has the same effect. He kisses her, but she leans back in when he tries to break off. They allow themselves a moment to kiss and not count, and then they look at each other lost.

“Who's got it now?” Killian asks.

Emma smiles. She wraps her arms around him.

“I can't leave without knowing you have it.”

“You know, I've had some time to think about it.” He wraps his own arm around her and kisses the top of her head. “And I've had a few theories.”

“Such as?”

He leans a bit back so they can see each other again. “I think the longer one stays lucky, the worse the bad luck hits later.”

“You think that is? I've had the bad luck longer, but you've had it worse. It would make sense.”

“Swan, you can't compare the two.”

“You're the one comparing.”

“I'm comparing the individual situations, not which one of us has had it worse.”

“It wasn't always good for me, you know that. But I never had to lose anyone.”

Killian's face falls a little.

“How could you do it? How could you give me your luck thinking that you could be endangering the life of someone you love?”

“Stop calling it 'my' luck,” he says softly.

“It was yours first.”

He gives her an incredulous look, but then his face turns thoughtful. “It was a last-moment decision. At first I thought it was just us meeting, I don't know why it took me so long to figure out it was with a kiss that it swapped.”

“Oh.”

“When I reached the checkpoint, I found a banknote and I realized I was still lucky, despite what I'd originally thought.”

“And you came back to kiss me.”

He nods.

She sighs. “Both so stubbornly selfless.”

He takes his arm away so that he can hold her hand. “Do you remember when I called you for New Year's?”

“How could I forget?” she says, smiling.

“When I saw how you were at first, I promised myself I'd never let you experience anything like that again. And with that in mind, I couldn't leave you unlucky.”

“But, your family...”

He shakes his head. “Is it really a surprise you found me like that last night?”

Her eyes widen. “Did something happen?”

“No, thankfully. Not to us, at least.” To her unspoken question, he answers, “The detective who helped with my case, you remember some trials I told you about?”

“What happened?”

“He was shot, he's in a coma now, and Nemo happened to be the one fostering his twelve-year-old daughter.”

“That's too many coincidences.”

“I talked to him, to Nemo, about all this.”

“You did?! Did he believe you?”

He smiles a little. “This isn't Hollywood, love. He's known me for half my life. Though I was surprised when he immediately trusted I wasn't going nuts. So we talked about it, and we can't see any reason why the detective getting shot has any connection to us. But I can't stop thinking about it.”

“Hm. Anything else?”

“Aside from occasionally getting stuck in traffic, or broken elevators, or stepping on dog shit, not much. At least I was prepared to be unlucky this time.”

“Well, now I am too.” She sits up straight, as if to prove her point. “Prepared, I mean.”

“Swan...”

“It's my time to be incredibly selfless.”

“You've been unlucky the longest. You deserve some more time to relax.”

“But you said that the bad luck hits back harder. So next time for me it will be worse than you've been having it now.”

He pauses. He didn't consider that. He hadn't actually considered there would be a next time.

“So, how are we going to do this?”

“Do what?”

She points between the two of them. “Be together. Try to keep it balanced.”

“You still want to be with me?” His face betrays his disbelief.

She wraps her arms around his neck again. “Of course I do. Why do you think I came all this way?”

“Emma... you don't- you didn't expect what you saw last night. I'm relapsing. And it's not the first time I do.”

“We can work with that.” She brushes her hand through his hair.

“You don't deserve that.”

“I don't care. You don't deserve going back to drinking, either. You were willing to leave me with good luck, forever.” She puts her palm on his cheek. “I want to know you'll be okay. And I want to help, if I can. Was that why you were pulling away?”

“Not exactly... maybe, in part. I was hoping you'd lose interest, so you'd never risk getting unlucky again. I went back to drinking in an effort to protect my family.”

“How would that help?”

“I've been a walking jinx. I hoped that I could make them disgust me so they'd stay away from me.”

“Oh, Killian...”

“I failed miserably. They love me too much for their own good.”

“I know this sounds weird, but I'd gladly be the asshole and run away with the luck on my side if you promised to never try something like that again.”

He smiles a little. “Bad fortune leading to character development?”

“So that's what it was all about!” she teases. “Fate wanted us to be deeply layered humans. How kind of her.”

They laugh half-heartedly. At least they have each other in this.

“So what do you think this is?” she says. “Fate toying with us?”

“I have a theory about that too. We have one day difference between our birthdays, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But I was born here. You in the United States. What if it's not really one day? What if it's just a few hours?” He shrugs slightly. “What if there's no actual difference at all?”

Emma thinks for a moment. “I remember seeing my birth certificate. I was born at night, around ten, eleven?”

Killian nods. “It would be three or four in the morning here then. I was born very early in the morning. I don't remember the hour exactly-”

“You wouldn't,” Emma says with a cheeky smile.

Killian laughs lightly. “I've happened to have seen my birth certificate too, you know. And it was very early too. I think my mother said she'd woken up in the middle of the night and my... father took her to the hospital.”

“So you think we were born at the exact same time? Or moment, at least?”

“It wouldn't be hard to check. I think it was all fate's doing, after that. It kept throwing things into our lives so we'd lean towards each other's path.”

“Until we finally had the chance to actually get each other's names.” She leans closer to him.

“Quite a cruel game it played on us, but maybe now we can at least achieve some normalcy.”

“Tell me about it. After everything we've been through, it's so hard to just accept the good things.”

“Aye. You get used to things going well, then you kiss a stranger and suddenly you lose everything.”

Killian doesn't mean any malice with his words, she knows, but Emma nearly feels her heart break. After she kissed him at that Halloween party, she did lose everything. But he doesn't know how much it meant to her, especially through her darkest moments, to remember the way that pirate boy looked at her. So much that fifteen years later that same look had the same effect.

Was she just a stranger that destroyed his life to him?

“Hey, hey,” Killian says. “That's not what I meant at all.”

“What?” She looks up lost, realizing her eyes are full of tears.

He smiles softly, that damn smile of his. “I told you, I truly believe it was fate that brought us together. Our luck would have swapped sides no matter what, at one point or another. Fate made our paths cross, but I am bloody well glad it was you I had to meet.”

What the fuck, she thinks, that's so sweet.

He's always so good with words. She just kisses him again, then sighs. “We'll have to get used to that too.”

“What?”

“The thought that every kiss comes with a consequence.”

He holds her tighter. “It's a cross we'll bear together.”

Together.

He looks down. “If I came to live in Boston, would you help me until I get a job and an apartment?”

“You would come with me?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I... I thought we could settle for like, visiting each other every few months or so. Otherwise, we'll have to count kisses every day, going after the other to pass on our luck...”

He brings his hand up to caress her cheek, not missing how she now called it 'their' luck. “Kissing, as physical touch, is a love language. Giving each other luck can be kind of the same.”

They lean into each other's embrace. It's amazing how easier it is now that the truth is out, despite what it might mean for their relationship.

“Are you serious about moving? You want to come live in Boston?”

“I've made enough snap decisions to know a serious one when I see it.”

Emma feels her heart soar. He's willing to move countries just to be with her, after he'd condemned himself to a lifetime of bad luck for her sake. She kisses him again and sighs. The thought of having him by her side, and not just count on right scheduling and phone screens to have him close...

A sudden idea jumps at her right as Killian's phone rings. He stands up to take it, and Emma starts wondering. Norway is very close from here. Why should it be Killian who has to move across the Atlantic?

Killian picks up his phone.

“Good morning,” Killian says.

“Killian? Are you alright?” Nemo says.

“Aye, I'm fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Nemo, I'm alright.” He looks at Emma and smiles. A bit more than alright.

“Are you available? I need you to pick up Alice from school when she's done and look after her for the evening. If you're not okay...”

Killian suppresses a sigh. “I can do that. Don't worry. Everything alright?”

“Yeah. John needs some help at the office today.”

And he doesn't trust Killian. Nothing unexpected, if he's honest – though it's surprising that Nemo trusts him with taking care of the girl.  “Mind if I bring some company? Emma surprised me with a visit.”

“Emma? She's here? Does she... know?”

“Yes.”

Nemo is silent for a moment, but eventually says, “You'll tell me all about it later. She can come, of course.”

“Thanks.”

“Thank you. Could you also cook? There's meat and peas in the fridge, they just need to be cooked in a pan.”

“I will. No problem.”

“Thank you, Killian.”

Killian hangs up and looks at Emma; she's stood up and is looking at his old framed family photo.

She smiles at him. “Your mother and brother?”

“Aye. It's the only picture I've got of them.” He looks at it, sighing deeply. “You recognized me?”

Her smile turns into a smirk. “Would you recognize me? You're lucky I don't have- Ugh.”

He catches her meaning. “Am I?” He kisses her temple. “Or maybe now?”

She looks back at the picture. She's not surprised his biological father isn't depicted anywhere, even as an addition to the original. “Your mother was very beautiful. Was red her natural hair colour?”

He smiles a little. “I like to think that's where I got the ginger beard from.”

She wraps her arm around his, then her free hand takes his. She looks at the other photo, the one of his new family, with both fathers and both siblings. And then yet another one, with him and the one who's most possibly Milah. After a moment of silence she asks, “Where are we going?”

“To my fathers' house.”

She smiles widely. “Meeting the parents already?”

Killian laughs lightly. “They'll be busy today and Nemo asked me if I can take care of the girl he's fostering.” He squeezes her hand in his. “Though I would like you to meet them too.”

[hyperfixiationstation]

Thoughts on LUCIDS Part 3

 Sorry this is so late. Spoilers for Part 3 under the cut.

1. The fact that Oliver can effect the Cult-ish Universe is so beautifully illustrated by the changing channels at the beginning of the episode. More than that, it is amazing that they are all established facets of the Universe, with stuff like Gasball Currency Coffee being drunk by the actual characters in the show, and Yartmapped just being a term that people use now.

2. On that same note, I don’t think I have ever found anything funnier than the fact that Oliver wanted to stop Apple from changing their chargers, but the way that was accomplished was just changing the name of Apple to Japple. 

3. The jokes in the episode are absolutely stellar. (not that they ever aren’t)

4. I’m so glad that we get to see the start of the Cult! Also, the craigslist add is fantastic.

5. Once again, keeping up the FANTASTIC Characterizations of the other Jaspers. I love the little details like the fact Harold hates being late to events. As I’ve mentioned before, stuff like this is one of my favorite parts of any story, and god, LUCIDS knocks it out of the park.

6. UGH! I know these posts are basically just me gushing about the show, but I cannot express how much I love seeing the scenes from Cult-ish from a different point of view. Like the fact that Alex and Ryan were rehearsing the script beforehand. I have no idea why, but scenes like that just fill me with so much joy.

7. Was Oliver contemplating biting the apple? Why was he trying to sneak past Ms. Hills’s office?

8. I haven’t mentioned it yet, but GOOD GOD the background music in this show is incredible. I don’t know much about this kind of thing, or how themes and motifs generally work, but as far as I can tell they are done wonderfully.

9. I’m surprised how surprised everyone else was about the Jaspers knowing about Isabelle. This was helpful for establishing more of a timeline however, so that is nice. More importantly, WHAT HAPPEND TO HER? Did she die? Based on how William was talking it doesn’t sound like that. I was wondering if maybe the baby was someone else’s, but I feel like that wouldn’t fit tonally with the show.

10. Another thing I haven’t mentioned yet, but I’m actually blown away by the amazing editing of these things. Its seamless!

11. The fact that the Jaspers are only able to talk about things that Jasper could conceive of is very worrying. What happened that made Benjamin want to abandon his old life entirely?

12. What is going on with Oliver and the flashbacks? Why are they like that?

13. What are the implications of Ms. Hills saying “what are memories but dreams themselves.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How does that effect dreamscapes? Arthur said that she had been doing studies on memories, does that tie in? Does this actually mean anything!?

14. Gosh the acting is INCREDIBLE

15. I TOTALLY CALLED THAT THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT!

16. Once again, the detail of the therapist drinking Starbucks instead of Gasball Currency is fantastic for establishing a timeline.

17. The TAOBAO theme playing in the background and ramping in the ending scene is MAGNIFICENT.

18. I am very glad that Oliver wasn’t in fact already a LUCID, and was not singling out Benjamin specifically. Its great to know more about his motivations.

19. I’m also glad about that because it establishes that the O.G. universe, was Oliver’s reality, or at least he thought it was. It makes theorising A LOT more confusing, but any confirmation or disproving of current theories is really helpful because I can’t maintain a sense of direction.

20. And once again, we close out with wonderful bop. Also, I love the changing fonts of the LUCIDS title in the end screen.

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 149 TW - Mentions of sexual assault

Chapter Summary - Tom decides that it has gone on too long, five weeks after the return from his Infinity War junket and if anything, Danielle had become more peculiar. So he cooks dinner and decides to see if he can get her to talk to him.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine. All image rights belong to their owners

Tom decides that it has gone on too long, five weeks after the return from his Infinity War junket and if anything, Danielle had become more peculiar. So he cooks dinner and decides to see if he can get her to talk to him.

WARNING - this chapter will reference Tom's work with the victims of sexual assault.

1- this chapter will include fictional sexual assault stories (sadly they are not fictional to some people, this shit does happen) including a close call for Sarah, who is a fictional version of Sarah Hiddleston.

2- the school-age jokes Tom makes are also fictional also. I have ZERO knowledge of teenage Tom Hiddleston, this is fictional.

3- Danielle's current situation is actually based on my friend, who talks to me about it and though many could never want it to be them, some women genuinely feel this way and it does impact their lives and relationships.

I have to put this here because so many people these days seem to forget that this is fiction and not an actual depiction of Tom Hiddleston, his friends and family.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @wolfsmom1​ @black-ninja-blade

The trip to Suffolk to collect Danielle's bike did little to quell the odd mood Danielle seemed to be in. If anything, it confirmed Tom's concerns as his mother seemed to see something was slightly amiss also. The way that Danielle seemed to try and act around the problem she was clearly having but again, she said nothing, no matter how much Tom and Diana gently coaxed her to.

She spoke with normal frequency and used the time in the area to full effect, getting a few things organised, including a new larger cooker ordered while they were there but still, she seemed to lack some of her usual lustre.

Tom also noticed something else change. Since his return from the last bit of the Infinity War promotion, Danielle had not been the least bit interested in intimacy. She had curled in against him at night and was inclined to touch, kiss and hug him but she had not initiated any form of sexual contact and when he did something that could be considered such, she was clearly reluctant so he ceased rather than make her feel uncomfortable. But it was becoming peculiar now. They had never gone so long in each others presence without some form of sexual activity and it was worrying. Part of him thought it to be because she didn't want him anymore but then she would not curl in against him or even increase her affection in other ways, she would cease all such things. Then he thought it was something to do with her health but surely she would have said something? He was uncertain. She did everything to keep to their normal routine and whatnot outside of it, including going for walks and holding his hand in public, ensuring to smile and give him her attention as she had done before, yet there was something so incredibly different too. It was driving him insane trying to figure out what it was.

*

They returned from Suffolk and Danielle increased her training load with her bike to assist, and even with fewer work hours, she seemed to be gone for large portions of the day, especially if she needed to go somewhere that allowed her to cycle. By night time every day, she was exhausted and more than once fell asleep on the couch watching TV causing Tom to have to wake her or encourage her to bed.

Also in that time, a full five weeks in each other's company for the majority of the time and not once had Danielle sought him as she had before. It was beginning to take its toll and if he was honest, Tom was becoming angered. Not at the lack of sex in itself, he had gone far longer periods without girlfriends before and he, of course, respected and loved her, so he did not “need” sex with her but because of the lack of communication and the lack of even discussing the matter, that irked him. He simply wanted to know what was the issue.

The evening came where he decided to do something about it and ignoring the precooked meals that Danielle had prepared and frozen for convenience for them and cooked a lovely roast dinner and wore a tighter fitted sweater and pants that he knew that she found appealing. He pulled out all the stops and when he got a text to say she was on her way home from a swimming session, he readied the last of his plans and took out a good white wine for them.

Hearing the key in the front door, he inhaled and prepared for the evening. 'Hey handsome boys.’ Her good humour was apparent as she greeted the dogs. 'What... Tom?’ The smell of the dinner clearly made its way to Danielle. 'Tom?’ She came into view of the kitchen table and her eyes widened before she turned to face Tom and she swallowed as she took in his appearance. 'I...What…? Wait, am I forgetting something? I am, aren't I?’ Her voice was higher than usual as she spoke.

'No, no this is just something I wanted to do. I was hoping we could talk actually.’ Tom explained. He paid close attention to her reactions and for a moment, he saw reluctance. 'Unless you rather not?’ He decided to test another theory and pulled up the sleeve of his jumper and reveal his forearms. On seeing his do that, Danielle visibly took a slight step back and gasped. 'Elle?’

'I...Sure, no...I mean, why wouldn't I...I...why...yes.’ She could not form a cognitive sentence as she looked at him. When he stepped forward, she looked at though she wished to take a step back but found herself stuck to the stop, his larger frame in front of her. 'Tom?’

'Yes, Darling?’

'I...you smell good.’ She looked him in the eye, allowing him to see the physical reactions she was having to him, which, though she had not been willing to do anything about in considerable time, was showing her pupils dilate and betray her arousal. 'I..mean…’

He leant down and kissed her gently, noting her somewhat startled reaction before she pressed her lips against his and pulled herself against his body, continuing to kiss him with more and more intensity. When he pressed her against the wall and pulled back for a moment he looked at her and noticed the force she had to use to stop herself. 'Elle?’

'The dinner…’

'Can wait.’

'No, we should eat.’ She insisted, walking around him and to the table. 'It should be illegal for you to dress like that, you'll give women weakness if you do that in public.’ She joked as she went to the table and took a wine glass. 'I don't think I have seen a wine like this before?’

'It's from a small private vineyard in Italy, it's dark than other wines, stronger.’

'Are you planning on getting me drunk, Mr Hiddleston?’ She smiled playfully.

'Perhaps I am, is there a problem with that?’ He smirked.

'That depends on what the purpose is?’

'Interrogation purposes, to lower your inhibitions and get you to reveal all your secrets to me.’ He stated, waiting for her reaction.

'I don't have many secrets, I dare say that would be a boring and uninteresting endeavour for you.’

'Nothing is uninteresting about you, Danielle Hughes, not to me. So what are these secrets you have from me?’

'Nothing of importance.’ She dismissed. 'So what is it you wished to discuss?’ She asked as she took the wine and drank a large gulp of what was in the glass.

Tom was not as convinced. 'I am doing more of those interviews with these women at present. I just wanted to…’

'Why didn't you say?’ Danielle demanded, putting down her wine glass and rushing over to him, her hands around him. 'Talk to me.’

The concern and care she immediately had for him on him telling her such things rubbished a lot of thoughts he had regarding her not caring for him. 'I am just exhausted from them, I mean, I know this is not about me…’

'But even listening to what they have experienced is exhausting, Tom. Counsellors themselves need to unload from simply listening to people. That is entirely natural. Come on, we'll sit down to this incredible dinner you made and you tell me what is irking and bothering you.’ She encouraged.

Tom swallowed, it was clear that Danielle was very concerned, her reaction was as he always knew it would be in such a situation but yet the way she had reacted when he said that he wanted to talk to her said a lot also. He got the food from the kitchen and placed the plates next to each other, watching how she would react. Surprisingly, her only reaction was to get the wine and bring the glasses over to the two seats, but then she paused and got her plate. He thought for a moment that she was going to sit away from him but instead, she simply sat on the other side of him where the corner of the table separated them but gave her an opportunity to look at him more. 'How...I spoke to a woman today, she is a sex worker.’ He began. Danielle's face was one of understanding as she listened and nodded. 'Several times it happened and she never reported.’

'One, she feels she would be prosecuted as her line of work is illegal and two, she is a sex worker, many people, including women in the #MeToo movement do not see them as victims because they sell sex, but yes, they are, they suffer and they never really report, if they did, numbers would skyrocket. They estimate one in five would become one in three. That numbers of assaults reported would go up too. It's a reason many want the profession legalised, they argue it would help those in the profession be safer. Others argue it makes it easier for sex trafficking, I personally think something needs to be done to protect these women. I've seen it myself in my training. They build up this skin and accept it as an occupational hazard. I mean a slight burn from hot pots is an occupational hazard, not being raped and beaten. My heart goes out to them and I feel they are so brave to come forward. How are you after that? Tell me what's it causing you to think.’

Tom sighed. 'I just feel...I don't really know how to describe it. I cannot imagine the fear it is to be a woman these days.’

'There is no “these days”, it has always been something that has occurred. Take a look at Jack the Ripper in 1888, women have, throughout history been nothing short of objects. That is why this is a step forward. You listening is a way to start getting men to understand. It is so important to educate, you can talk to others. The harsh reality is many men won't listen to a woman as they do a man.’

'Then I was talking to a friend of mine, from college. I nearly choked on my drink when she turned up in front of me and she told me what a casting director told her to do to get a role...she has never worked in that part of the industry, he made her not want to. But when she said no…’

'He did not accept no and got what he wanted anyway and declined her the role to boot.’ Danielle nodded. 'That is very hard to listen to.’ She took his hand in hers. 'You are so incredible to give these women someone to talk to who empathises and does not want to take their stories and make them about yourself. For so many, saying it is hard, so to have someone listen as you have, it matters so much.’

'Sarah told me something too. She spoke to me about it a few weeks ago, when I said I was doing this. She told me about a time in college where if one of her friends had not called a guy to come over and help, she could have been...’ He said. 'My sister. She...she never told us.’

‘Many people go their whole life without saying anything to anyone about what happened them.’ Danielle stated, looking at the food on her plate. 'Many don't think what they endured is not worthy of the attention that they feel should be focused on other victims. Some think sexual assault without penetration is not as bad as rape so they just stay quiet.’

Tom shook his head. 'When I was younger, we used to joke in school about girls and….I feel so bad about it now.’

'Did you ever hurt a girl? Or a boy for that matter, in all of this, we have to remember there are men that have been assaulted also.’

'No, never. I felt awkward laughing along back then, but I never….I always thought of Emma and Sarah.’

'That's natural, we project. We often all do that. “Imagine that it was us and ours” sort of thing. You can comprehend the severity of something without doing that, but when we project ourselves and our families into a situation, we feel it more. It's natural. You were able to look at the children in Sudan and see them, see their suffering and feel heartbroken but if you imagined your own niece in that situation, it hits you harder and that is because as much as their lives matter to you, our own families are always one step closer to us and we feel that more. It is the same with this.’ Tom nodded. 'How old were you when those guys made those jokes?’

'Fifteen or sixteen, I think. It doesn't make it right.’

'No, it doesn't. But be the man to tell boys that age that that's not the right thing to do. Make it that if Emma has a little boy in the future, that he knows that is not how we talk about the opposite sex. Learn from it, teach from it. And don't be under any false impression that girls are not sometimes idiots too. I went to school with girls, I am a girl, I can assure you, some young women need a good dose of cop on too. I mean, they are grabbing men by the package and saying very inappropriate things to the opposite gender too. I think this generation will either make or break equality, depending on the level of self and general accountability. if people acknowledge self fault and fault among us all, we could come out of this far better a world, we can only hope and see, so long as we work on ourselves.’

'What is your fault then?’

Danielle's brows rose. 'We have to go to bed sometime this week, I cannot start listing now. I am not perfect, Tom. I know this and I never pretend to be. I suffer jealousy, envy, other such things. I suppose I also have to work on a few things. Though, thankfully, I don't see men as sex objects, so I have that one down.’ She joked.

'Except me of course?’ He gave a playful smile.

'Oh, you are not included there, especially with the pant and sweater combo mixed with that cologne.’ She grinned before she bit her lip and looked at her dinner again.

'Elle?’ She looked at him again but it took a minute as she did not seem to want to. 'I need to ask, have I done something to you?’

'What?’ She had not expected him to say such a thing. 'No.’

'What has changed. You are not the same recently. I am worried, everyone is starting to worry. Mum, me, Sarah, you won't even meet Sophie or Emma.’ Danielle chewed her lip, unable to keep eye contact with him. 'At first, I thought you were homesick, you only have that Radio na Gaeltachta on all the time now, but now I am fairly certain it's not that and you are filling your schedule up again rather than having any free time and you used to do that before because you were avoiding being lonely, but you have me and our friends and family, so why are you doing it? Is it me?’

'No.’ She answered quietly.

'No what? No, you're not homesick? No, you're not avoiding being lonely? No, you don't have me, our friends and family? Or no, it's not me?’

'No, it's not any of that, it's me.’ She looked at her hands.

'I...is there something wrong?’

'Not physically, no.’ Tom's concern only rose. 'No, I don't have depression or that either.’ She assured him. 'It's...fuck, I...if I tell you, you'll literally run away and tell me to get out of your home.’ There were genuine fear and tears in her eyes.

‘Elle, talk to me, please, Darling. I am going mad not knowing what is getting you down.’

'It's so stupid.’ She sniffed, wiping away a tear.

'If it makes you like this, I doubt it.’

'But…’

'No, Elle, no buts. Even if it is just in your head, if it's not really something serious and you know it is not but your mind is still telling you that it is, that is very important. I am not going to run away. After a year and a half together, we have been through some difficult times, no matter what it is, we can overcome it.’ He urged her. 'But you really have to tell me. We cannot work if you refuse to open up.’

'I...I just feel so odd recently. I went to the doctor about it, well, I went about ensuring I was okay to do an Ironman, but I mentioned it too and I was just told it happens sometimes and if I feel the same on a few weeks, to change my contraception.’ Tom frowned, thinking such to be an odd diagnosis. 'I think it is hormone related.’

'What?’

'I...I am scared to say.’

'Tell me, please.’

'I can't even look at Emma and today I went to the swimming pool and as I was going in, a class was coming out and I felt so fucking envious, I fucking cried, how stupid is that?’ Danielle scoffed.

‘Envious of what?’ Tom asked.

'That they were pregnant.’ Tom's eyes widened. 'See, I can see it in your face.’

'Wait, so this is about pregnancy?’ Tom asked, needing clarification. 'You want a baby?’

'No, I don't. I am not ready for one, I know I'm not. I am so busy with work, we're not there yet, it's the worst timing but literally, everywhere I look there are babies, all the people around me are having babies and my stupid brain is telling me I should have one and I don't want one yet. I see cute little outfits and instead of my usual “Get this for Sophie or for Emma”, I think I need it. I don't fucking need it. I have my bar and I am not losing you and my head is so messed up and I really have no idea how to stop it. I thought if I took the job and did my goal of the Ironman and its training it would calm it but it's not and I have no idea what to do. I miss my friend but seeing her makes me feel so bad and I am sorry I am a fucking mess.’

Tom just looked at her for a time, trying to figure out what to even say. He was incredibly relieved it was not some of the scenarios that his brain had created such as she stopped loving him or she had been having an affair with the guy from work under the guise of training that he knew were preposterous, yet his brain still pondered. But also he could see the turmoil this had created in her. She was clearly having severe problems in her own mind settling this. He had heard of it, more than once. Hell, even Ben had confessed it have been why the relationship with his last girlfriend ended. He wanted kids and she never did, so they agreed to do what they both wanted even though that meant ending their relationship. To have such an argument with one's self clearly did not go well, going by Danielle's current situation.

He had to agree, they were not ready. He wanted her to himself for another time yet, he wanted to wait a little longer before they would consider such things as a family. Were her bar to fail and she got pregnant, he would not see it as a catastrophic event but if they could decide when suited them and did it then, it would be idyllic. 'Well, it explains a lot.’ He stated, feeling a little dumb saying only that.

'I am sorry for being such a terrible partner and for...well, neglecting us. I just, my brain is all warped and it correlated sex and babies, which, really, it does go from to the other really and this is what happened.’

'I wish you told me sooner, I have been so worried.’

'I was terrified you'd run away from me.’

'Elle, we've mentioned the possibility of children before now. This is not a new subject matter to us. In time, I very much would love to have children with you. And the idea that your body is telling you that you should ignore logic and have a baby with the fine gentleman you have procured for yourself is a great compliment to my ego.’ Danielle could not help laughing at his statement as she looked at him lovingly. ‘When you are happy in work, when you have achieved your goals, however utterly bonkers they are, then we will talk about taking that thing out of your arm and having a baby but until then, I really cannot see Emma declining a hand with Ava.’

'I think it's a fight between Eva and Lucy now.’ She informed him.

'For fuck sake, she is due within the fortnight and they have decided to change the name eighty times at this stage.’

'Could you imagine after all of this, the ultrasound was wrong and it was a boy?’

Tom laughed. 'He will start school nameless.’ Danielle joined in. 'I can't say I understand what is going on with you fully, Elle, but I do know it's real to you and it is causing you a lot of unrest and it hurts me to see that. But it is hurting Emma too, you being distant has been hard on us, we all miss that spark in you that we all love and I think she should have you there for her, if you can be.’

'You're right. I am not being a good friend. I just feel so weird.’

'I understand, in a manner. I don't understand your thoughts per se, but I understand that you don't feel yourself either.’ He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

'I don't deserve you.’

'No one does really.’ He barely got the last word out before she hit him with her napkin playfully.

[anyrchyangel]

MDZS fanfic sensitivity beta

Hi~ I’m Ana

I’m,,,very bad at Tumblr >.< but I am writing a fic in the mdzs fandom and would really love a sensitivity beta to look over some of my canon references and use of Chinese terms. I’m very new to the wuxia/Xianxia genre and I don’t want to accidentally say or use a term that offends or misrepresents the genre.

Beta-ing is hard work and I’d never expect anyone to sign up to beta without having first peeked at what they’d be working on, so I’ve placed the first chapter of my fic down below.

Some disclaimers/primers: this fic is a crossover between Kimi no na wa/Your Name and mdzs--you don't have to have seen Your Name to follow along, but it wouldn’t hurt to know the plot I am ripping off >.< It includes body swapping and a major character death (if we count wwx dying and coming back to life as mo xuanyu as actually dying...) and for some reason, I have made everyone witches...yeah. Sorry >.< WangXian is the main (and kind of only) ship! Rated T solely because I am incapable of not cussing. I don't plan on writing any smut or explicit scenes for this series <,< (...for now.)

Anyways, here's chapter one of the series. Please let me know if you’d be interested in beta-ing for me! I really want to polish this fic before posting it on ao3 or anything >.<

he who swallowed a falling star

chapter one [everything must have a beginning]

Mornings have never once been Wei Wuxian’s friend. He hates mornings—he hates the sharp light of dawn and the cacophony of noise that comes with the world waking. He much prefers the night, the quiet and stillness, the ambience and mystery. There’s no mystery in the mornings—there’s only groggy musings as one cracks open their eyes to the stinging light of day and wipes away crust from their lashes. His body always violently protests to waking—sleep is so precious! It’s calming and good and nice and to be forced awake is among the greatest tragedies of mankind.

Except…except this morning he doesn’t feel like groaning and burying his head into his pillow. This time, his body actually feels sort of…good? That can’t be right. No one feels good in the mornings; the only ones who do are sociopaths and masochists.

And yet as he stretches awake with a yawn, his limbs feel light and his mind feels rested. So much so that his surroundings are immediately clear.

He has absolutely no idea where in the world he is.

He’s in a bed, at least that much is clear—a very soft bed with sheets that smell like sandalwood and covers with textured silk. Exquisite fabric, he’d never so much as been allowed to touch something so expensive before—he has a knack for putting stains where formerly there were none, so all of his own clothes and sheets are of durable fabrics. Stains add character! There’s a story behind every stain…not always an exhilarating story but a tale, nonetheless.

The room in which the bed he is resting on is absurdly clean. So clean as to seem clinical, or maybe decorative, as if he’d stumbled into a dollhouse meant for display purposes only. It’s lovely, a pretty screen separating the bed from the sitting area, decorated with an elegant painting of mountains bathed in mist. The furniture is expensive and luxurious and just looking at how nicely it’s all been cared for makes Wei Wuxian break out into hives. What even is the point of owning furniture if you’re not going to use it?

He taps his chin and tries to remember the night before. Just how much liquor had he drunk to find himself warming someone else’s bed? Had he even been drinking last night? Shit…maybe he should take shijie’s advice and cut back a bit. His eyes wander to the finger tapping away and he pauses because…well that really doesn’t look like his finger. Or his hand. Or his arm.

He scrambles to the nearest reflective surface—a basin of water in a porcelain bowl that’s probably more expensive than everything he owns combined. The face that looks back at him is…breathtakingly beautiful. Skin the color of white jade, softer than the inner petals of a peony, silky midnight hair draped down broad shoulders to rest at the small of his back, and bright golden eyes somewhere between the shade of the sun as it reflects on ice and wheat dancing in a breeze upon a gilded field.

It’s so beautiful that it narrows down the theories currently running through his head down to two: A) he has died and (mistakenly) ascended to heaven to live the rest of eternity as the most beautiful angel to have ever existed, or B) he’s dreaming. B) seems more likely, especially since the likelihood of Wei Wuxian going to heaven is probably somewhere in the negatives. Plus, witches don’t go to heaven…or technically even believe in heaven. Not to say that there isn’t an afterlife but—he’s rambling. His mind is whirring with so many thoughts that even he can’t keep up with them all.

“Huh.” Oh this man’s voice is so deep and rich that Wei Wuxian’s spine tingles at the sound. “Shit, even his voice is beautiful.”

He hums a few nonsensical notes just to listen to the different octaves; a deep voice, but a melodic one. He wonders if this person is a singer—he certainly has a lovely voice for singing. His eyes wander around the room, searching for…well he’s not really sure. His own body, perhaps? Proof that this is a dream? Or maybe signs of spellwork gone incredibly wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time one of his experimental enchantments went awry.

He starts rummaging through drawers and opening doors, hoping to learn more about the person whose body he now possesses. The handsome stranger is astoundingly boring. Not a speck of dust anywhere or a book out of place—even the poetry on this person’s shelf is…bland, at best. He tosses open the closet, hoping for literal or figurative skeletons. Someone this perfect can’t possibly exist in real life. Maybe instead of a dream this is a hallucination—Wei Wuxian has trouble believing that his active mind would conjure someone so dull but, well even he has off days. Or nights, he supposes. Is it night where he’s dreaming? Doubtful, given his sleep schedule but—he’s rambling again.

Within the closet hangs a full-length mirror, and he pauses in his rummaging to admire the body of the most boring person he’s…well they haven’t technically met, have they?

He’s even more beautiful in the crystal-clear reflection, tall and toned with arms that should be illegal. Wei Wuxian grins and quickly strips off his outer robes (so white that they remind him of mourning robes. He gets distracted when he imagines the scene he must have made whilst asleep—so ethereal and white and pure); the image that greets him is ridiculous. Abs that could cut steel on skin the color of flawless white porcelain, not a blemish in sight. His fingers dance across the muscle, laughter bubbling out of him. Oh what a sound—this gege really is perfection given flesh, isn’t he?

He smiles at his reflection and conjures as many funny faces as he can come up with. Well if he’s stuck in an angel’s body, he might as well have some fun, shouldn’t he?

.

.

.

Wei Wuxian bounds across the halls, chased by the knowledge that he is most definitely late for breakfast. Dawn has already segued into late morning, and if he wants any sort of meal before lessons, he will have to sprout wings and fly across the residence—an idea he’d actually toyed with before, but enchantments that alter the flesh are too finicky and he quite likes keeping all his fingers and toes.

He mentally prepares himself to face the routine “How could you have slept in so late!?” from Jiang Cheng and the “A-Xian, are you not sleeping well?” from Yanli and the knowing smile from Jiang Fengmian, matched only by the scathing glare from Madam Yu that has accompanied every breakfast he can remember having at Lotus Pier. To which he will smirk and tease Jiang Cheng, complain and pout to Yanli, return Jiang Fengmian’s smile and cautiously avoid Madam Yu’s gaze.

Wei Wuxian loves his morning routine, even if it doesn’t technically count as having happened in the morning.

“How do you always manage to sleep in so late!?”

Ah, Jiang Cheng is so predictable—Wei Wuxian loves that about him.

“I was having the best dream!” He responds as he flops onto his mat at the table, shoveling food into mouth as fast as he can pour extra chili sauce onto everything.

“Oh? What about?” Jiang Fengmian’s smile is no less endearing for being as predictable as Jiang Cheng’s anger—perhaps even more so because of it.

“Hmmm,” he pauses in stuffing his face to try and remember his dreams, but the haze of sleep has yet to lift, “huh—I can’t actually remember?”

“How do you know it was a good dream if you can’t even remember it?” Jiang Cheng’s sneering makes him smile, bits of rice on display for his favorite (and only) brother.

“I don’t have to remember every detail to know that it was a good dream!”

It’s true—although he can’t remember anything of what he’d dreamt, the feeling of joy lingers, even as the fog of sleep lifts under the light of day.

“Here, A-Xian, have some lotus seeds. I saved some for you.”

He gulps down some tea to clear the sticky rice from his teeth and perches at Yanli’s elbow with his lips parted, her eyes crinkling into adorable crescents as she pops a lotus seed into his mouth.

“A-Li.” Even on the best of days, Madam Yu’s tone could strip paint from the walls, varnish from the wood within the halls; it was like listening to the crack of a whip, or the rumbling of thunder. Yanli wilts under her strict gaze, eyes dropping to the hands she folds in her lap.

“I am glad to see you back to yourself, A-Ying.” (I’m not sure this is a good way for jfm to address wwx—in the original text he never actually says wwx’s name, but he does call jc A-Cheng; I want to show here that jfm favors wwx) Jiang Fengmian’s tone is the opposite of Madam Yu’s; soft where hers is harsh, calm where hers is agitated. The difference between them is jarring—like the crack of lightning meeting the quiet currents of a flowing river.

“Yes, how very fortunate we are to see you returning to your ways.” Another crack of lightning, this one closer to the babbling brook that is Uncle Jiang, the waters left disrupted and discordant.

“Wait, what?” Wei Wuxian has never feared the thunder, nor the storm.

“You went psycho yesterday and woke at dawn. You even cooked breakfast, but it was bland as shit. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten.”

Where Yanli wilts under Madam Yu’s glares, Jiang Cheng grows more uncertain, and uncertainty breeds anger within him. Except this anger is often a guise, smoke to the fire that is his worry. Wei Wuxian smiles at him, basking in the concern the same way a flower dances in the breeze.

“Aw, don’t sound too concerned Jiang Cheng.”

The way he snorts and rolls his eyes makes it easier for Wei Wuxian to gloss over the fact that he can’t really remember the day before. An odd gap in his memory, but he shrugs it off and sneaks more lotus seeds from Yanli, who hides a smile behind her hand as she passes him the morning paper.

“Did you see? The comet will be visible on the day of the banquet. Maybe we’ll see a falling star or two.”

“Hmm? Would shijie like falling stars? Maybe I’ll catch one and bottle it up, just for you.”

Her laughter is honey, her smile sunshine; perhaps he should bottle that instead, for use on rainy days or cold winters when the lotuses close their petals.

“A-Cheng, you have lessons to attend to. You do not have the luxury of falling behind.”

“Yes, mother.” The only time Jiang Cheng ever sounds subdued is in deference to Madam Yu, and the sound grates against Wei Wuxian’s ears.

“A-Xian, you should head off to lessons too. You don’t want to be late.” Yanli sneaks the last of the lotus seeds into his hand; he’s convinced she’s on a mission to fatten him up, to which he has zero complaints. If he could gorge on shijie’s lotus seeds for eternity, he would.

“Oh? From what I hear, Wei Wuxian’s time is better spent hunting pheasants and flying kites with the younger witchlings.”

What a nasty storm to deal with so early in the day. He doesn’t fear thunder, but nor does he seek rain.

“The kites were actually an enchantment I was testing out. I finally fixed the talisman to facilitate one’s qinggong[1] to the point of weightlessness. Those kites were—”

“You did what!?”

“There’s no need to shout, Jiang Cheng. The actual enchantment is pretty simple if you cast on the right night. I have a theory that the casting is a lot easier during a full moon, but I managed just fine when it was waning—”

“You—Wei Wuxian!” Jiang Cheng’s cheeks puff with indignation, his face as red as the chili sauce Wei Wuxian slathers on every meal.

“Yes, I’m here!” He answers with laughter, snickering and dodging as Jiang Cheng lunges for him, waving at Yanli as he darts out the room. He’d skip class if he didn’t want to write down another idea for an enchantment in his grimoire, of which he’s about forty percent sure is in his desk…or buried under his other inventions somewhere in his room. Or maybe he left it in the atrium when he was searching for a specific constellation?

Jiang Cheng chases him from the residence, out through the courtyards and down into the docks of Lotus Pier. He smiles and waves at the merchants, eyeing all the pastries and water chestnuts, winking at runny-nosed children from the nearby households. His heart feels both heavy and light—too full to dream of moving and yet so buoyant he might drift along with the next passing breeze.

The giant lake gleams under the light, lotuses dancing and swaying in the wind, the sound of home bustling around him. Wild magic whispers through the air, flows through the undercurrents of the lake, along the waterways for miles and miles until it reaches the ocean. An idea pops into his head to attempt to track the energy, map out the ley lines, but he catches the shadow of a pheasant nearby and pushes the thought down his list of priorities.

He smiles and dodges Jiang Cheng’s attempts to toss him into the lake, grappling each other into headlocks as they make their way towards the lecture halls. He sighs at the idea of another long, boring monologue in spellcraft theory, but the idea of enchanting a few papermen to dance behind the Adeptus keep his steps light. The witchlings always love a good show—perhaps he’ll put on his own little play for them. With the right paper, he might be able to craft a jade rabbit and play the story of Chang’e and Hou Yi. Maybe he could make them sing? A whistle from a witch is a powerful thing. Or he could tell the story of Ragnarok, the Twilight of the Gods—his head buzzes with ideas, excitement filling his veins at the prospect of researching more of the lost stories of old gods and immortals.

Endnotes:

[1] Qinggong (in most cultivation/wuxia novels) is the art of manipulating qi to walk on water or move across surfaces; it’s also a real technique in Chinese martial arts. Read about it here

If you got this far, thanks for reading! Even if you're not interested in beta-ing, I’d still love to hear feedback! I don’t normally post such long pieces on Tumblr, but I wasn't sure what else to do >.< I hope you liked it!

[everydayanth]

Having followed the science side of cannabis over the past few years with J working on research teams around the US, this is all shit that NEEDS to be talked about. 

The cannabis industry is full of rich ass bros and I have so many stories I don’t even know where to start. As a complete outsider moving with J, I had a front-row seat to confusion and chaos, and as someone who grew up poor in a diverse neighborhood and schools (which I am incredibly thankful for), then studying social science, the sudden immersion into the world of Cannabis was a wakeup call for me. I understood the theory of white privilege, I understood the application of it and how it worked, but there’s an economic component I never had access to. I was on the same free lunch programs and going through the same foreclosure threats as my neighbors, and I didn’t fully understand the racial component of that until I saw it in Cannabis. 

When J got dropped into Cannabis research because of a sudden start-up failing to follow its investor requirements working in biotech (it was a big deal, so I’m not going to mention specifics, since we’re still in an odd place with all this), we had moved to the west coast from the midwest where Cannabis was still 100% illegal and problematic. I grew up in the midst of gang wars over drugs, calling it Marijuana (can you hear the white accent?) and being warned about the devil. I’d witnessed several people murdered over Cannabis in my neighborhood through gang violence, or else locked up by police for seemingly no reason. 

Cannabis and minority culture were very much intertwined in my mind, and I understood it as a cultural difference from my white religious family, who fought among themselves about alcohol allowance according to God, and respected the law selectively (so the whole “bUt It’S iLlEgAl” argument was a joke).

Cannabis was in the same debate as beers, wines, and liquors, but it still held memories of violence for me. Though I know those incidents were more about power, control, survival, and a means around a racist system now, at the time of moving to the west coast, Cannabis was a duality to me: a misunderstood cultural component, a criminalized tool for a racist agenda, and a thing I saw so many depend on when life got too hard in the way of alcoholics – a thing that would stop me from leaving if I let it too close. 

J came into biotech from a pre-med/criminal justice education. He is very well versed in the War on Drugs and the legal history of the US being a racist, white supremacist agenda for cultural, legal, and economic authority through institutions like religion, education, and law. For him, Cannabis and minority cultures, both Mexican and Black American (and, as we learned from friends in southern California, also in many ways Native American) were intertwined as well.

So when his company dropped him into Cannabis, then moved us around several times with unfulfilled promises and broken contracts, both of us were new to Cannabis and astounded at the whiteness of the industry. Of course the white stoners of the 60s and 70s were spearheading it though, they had the money and their minority counterparts were in prison. It’s wrong, it needs to change. But I was naive to be surprised by it. 

What really affected me though, was the people with money. They were everywhere in the industry and they were old-money white or upper-middle class converted drug-dealer white. But by all accounts of my and J’s education and experience, it should be a minority-lead industry, right? People whose cultures value the cultivation of the plant should have far more interest, ability, and practical/research knowledge. But they were cut out by the nepotism, money, and white privilege (i.e. criminal justice system). 

The science initiative was: analyzing this plant will help us understand the pieces of it and what can be used medicinally or how it is currently helping so many conditions. A great intent, J even got to work with some amazing researchers, but science needs money. So the focus quickly shifted again and again to investors. 

And the investors were always white. They were always men. And in my experience, they were genuinely horrible people. 

We felt so stuck. Exhausted, our stuff had been in storage for years, contracts were falling through, we never knew where we were going or when. This wasn’t cushy science or higher academia, because universities get federal funding, so they can’t invest in something that’s federally illegal without jumping a lot of hurdles. Additionally, many minorities can’t afford to invest in something that is federally illegal. It’s a bigger risk, a vulnerable position to make your interest known as a minority in the industry – not with the prison and arrest ratio numbers the way they are. 

The investors and businessmen were playboys. They talked about bitcoin and big money, went to clubs and cheated on their wives and girlfriends, and tokenized, exoticized, and appropriated minority culture. They invested in research until they made the start-ups worth something with the promise of science, then withdrew their investments and stocks, doubling their fortunes and dissolving the company. Or, as was most often the case, just cutting the research budget after using the science research as an attraction for other investors, and hoping the science guys would quit before they got fired. If they quit, they’d be bound by the do not compete clause and couldn’t use the research with a competing company, which means the current start-up could retain the IP. But they would hang on for long enough to have to be let go, taking their IP and starting again.

They should have started their own lab instead of relying on a company to fund them. But to get a license to work with Cannabis as a plant, as a thing that can’t even cross state lines or be in a lab with out a license/card, you need to qualify by state standards, and generally only the big companies do. So even if they started their own place, they’d have to leave Cannabis, and at that point, they had some incredible research halfway done that could be really meaningful and helpful to a lot of people. Working in several states, the message became clear: this industry is a playground for people with money to make more money and everyone in charge wants to keep it that way.

I’m not in a place yet where I can consolidate my experience as an outsider with an ethnographic distance. I get a pit in my stomach when I think of an investor who took us out to dinner in Seattle. J was working tirelessly, doing 3 people’s jobs because they refused to hire more people despite having the money, he filled in basic hourly positions to compliance and legal staff. They were a small company and continued to make huge mistakes. Going out with investors, we were told, was part of the game, part of the obligation to getting the funds to do the real science. 

Working from 6am-10pm and coming in 7-days a week was part of getting a salary at $40k, part of being a scientist and checking experiments and building data and value. Being versatile and filling other roles like marketing and compliance, that you could be held legally accountable for as an individual in some states (J did great though, he was fine), is part of working for a start-up, is part of a new industry, is part of new science! They did everything they could to normalize practices that we didn’t have enough professional experience to identify as wrong, inefficient, or red-flag warnings. 

But we learned. And we did make a difference sometimes, changing important minds about the value of Cannabis, the need for federal legalization, decriminalization, and the importance of accountability regarding pharmaceutical corruption. But the investors, oh how I dreaded the word investor. 

And this was a big one. 

He took us to a restaurant so dark I couldn’t see my food and pushed together fancy dinner-date-for-two tables in a long line to accommodate everyone with the air of someone who was accustomed to fixing everything with money. His son worked in the company and was the reason the guy was investing. My end was the tag-along-SO end, and our discomfort was palpable. 

Usually at investor dinners, we ended up paying our own bills because important people would leave sporadically or, I dunno, they were cheap? They’d cover the C-Suite and we’d be left on our own, or, and I really hated this, they’d each order 5 drinks and the most expensive entree and then split the bill evenly, so the poor people like me, who budget their spending, ate an $11 meal with a $6 beer but paid a $60 cut of the whole bill (buy more drinks then, take your share, wealthy peers have yelled before – but then the overall bill is still bigger, so that literally doesn’t help me at all; don’t eat anything then – well, that doesn’t really feel like an option at a big business dinner). 

Or, the really shitty one, someone would order a round of drinks, then expect you to get the next round. If this is standard cultural practice where you are, awesome, you have a social agreement, this is not standard here though, and meant actual multi-millionaire investors expected their own hourly employees or $40k salary workers to buy a round of drinks for 5+ people on a regular basis. Do you know how fast that adds up? And, here’s the shitty part, they would start with “you wanna get this round and I’ll get the next?” and then never get the next. EVER! They’d be fall-down drunk or disappear. This happened weekly.

Over and over it happened in a world of overconsumption, privilege, wealth, and the desire to have no worries, party hard, do drugs, yeah! Which, fine, but not when there’s such a power dichotomy and economic disparity. I started to see the tricks, the cons, the advantages, the selfish narcissism, the cheating and taking from others without sharing, giving, or participating in the group. The investors were not part of the group. They didn’t care about the science, they cared about profit margins and knowing when to jump ship with the largest pay off. It got to the point where I (arrogantly, probably) felt like I could screen investors and tell after a single dinner if they were going to scam the program or use the science to get licenses then dump them, or never actually give them the equipment to do their work. There were a few who genuinely cared.

Anyway, this fancy restaurant: we didn’t know who was paying, but I opened the menu and the absolute cheapest thing was a caesar salad for FOURTY-NINE DOLLARS! 

But no, we don’t get to order our own food. Fancy investor says we all must try this specific steak because it’s his favorite, one for everyone! Which makes it sound like they’re paying, but I’ve learned you never know. One girl was vegan and I tried to jump on that train to go for the comparatively reasonably priced salad, but alas, decisions had already been made, wine was being poured without question, steaks were being served, and at the end, checks were served down the table in a neat line of leather books, a bill was put in front of the two of us for $250 and my jaw dropped. The server goes “Mr. [Name] has kindly taken care of the wines for the table.” WINES HE ORDERED AND STEAKS HE INSISTED WE EAT! Ugh, I was so confused and angry and sick of the talk and playing nice and making friends. I went to the bathroom and hyperventilated with J texting me that he’s done and we need to find a way out (but remember the IP and non-compete clauses, getting out is hard). 

The guy ended up paying for everyone. It was $7,000. I can only assume he wanted us to see the bill and his generosity, or that the CSO said something about people not being able to afford it. Either way, that same story repeats itself over and over: white millionaire man invests in cannabis as quick buck, no interest in science, makes fortune and leaves with no legal retribution. 

When J worked with UCI, they tried to press for legal retribution for fraud against a company that had partnered with them, but it didn’t stick because the independent companies have the money, the power, and the law. 

It was like living in a reality tv show, in a bubble where the real world happened outside. If you move between places often enough, you don’t fit in either. I tried to stay on the outside, but most of those guys tried to stay on the inside. And on one hand, I get it. They see fast cars, easy money, models and big parties, they grew up white and wealthy without realizing it because they have no context of diversity or poverty, they don’t actually see the harm they cause, they don’t actually care, because all they want is to fit in the bubble. It’s infectious, addictive for them.

And I despised it because being inside the bubble made me physically ill. It wasn’t anthropological fieldwork, it wasn’t removed from my life, I had no safe home base to return to, to think and consider and code notes, this was my life. 

Now, we are just about to pass the two-year mark living in RI. It will be the first time we’ve lived anywhere for more than a year since we moved from the midwest almost seven years ago. We’re recovering as a team, as a couple. I’ve gotten more done in the last two years than the 6 before that combined. We got to travel to so many places, and actually meet some amazing people. The companies moved us and paid for housing. There were benefits is what I’m saying, I don’t regret our choices, because I didn’t know what the consequences would be and we made each choice together. We’ve learned so much about each other from the experience. And we survived it together, and I’m proud of us for that.

J ’s all but given up on science now, we left the millionaires to their parties and drugs and alcohol and broken relationships, and I should mention, because I know my tone here may seem dismissive in its generalization, that I learned a lot about stoner cultures and rave cultures and drugs and more about history and criminal justice, and I think there can be a time and place for drugs and alcohol, and that Cannabis should be legalized and fully decriminalized. 

What I am fed up with is the wealthy and their context bubble, the investment in their friends, the quick scams that are perfectly legal and make them richer for doing nothing, and the irresponsibility; the avoidance of confrontation, integrity, and honesty, disregarded for a quick buck. Lives left a mess in their wake with no jobs as the company falls apart. For me right now, the Cannabis industry is being lead by people soaked in the slime of deception hoping to make money with the same corporate structures of taking advantage of their workers that their fathers used before them. It is currently a racist, classist industry, sure there are some amazing exceptions, but as a whole, there is a problem with where the money is coming from and going to. 

 Most of the investors I’ve seen support Trump’s policies (passionately and often because they personally benefit), while the workers adamantly oppose or avoid caring about politics at all. Just because you’re a fanatic about something doesn’t mean you get to stop caring about or considering the impact of what you do or the world outside of it. If you work in Cannabis, know who you are working for and what the impacts of your work are. I have found that, more than any other industry, Cannabis seeks to maintain a status quo in white power, authority, and culture (re: religion, morality, ownership, wealth, cultural institutions, legality, etc.), while retaining the image of being individually diverse, subversive, and rebellious, leading to intense appropriation, exoticization, tokenism, and continual reinforcement of white privilege and classist power.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got to say on it right now. I’m exhausted. I need to go recharge and find some hope. But I think making people aware of these areas that don’t get seen, because they don’t want to be seen, is part of building hope. People starting to look around and realizing how many millionaires there are, and how easily they make more money this way without social contribution, is part of identifying the problem, and I am eternally grateful to comedians like Hasan Minhaj and Trevor Noah, who look in these dark corners and find a way to make us all look with them, stirring up conversation as we decide what to do about the mess. 

[beckythesooh]

On the HIMYM Finale + Deleted Scenes (rewatch)

On my hate of Ted’s relapse in season 7:

Rewatching HIMYM and of course, I’m sad again at how much I loved it sans Ted’s suddenly thinking he’s in love with Robin again after Drunk Train. It pisses me off so much, and which there were comments on how it made sense because Ted was just so down on himself that he had stooped so low as to try to get girls on the train and be so far away from his goal—I would have believed that but the ensuing episodes definitely show this wasn’t the case. Drunk Train was season 7 episode 16. They broke up at the end of season 2 and only had a heart to heart about how difficult the break up was a few episodes later, and casual sex along with screaming and anger mid season 3. Never once in between does Ted actually like her again except when Barney wanted her and he read his letter—which I’ll account for as him being down and logically and/or nostalgically thinking they would work again, rather than current feelings. I would have wanted him to be depressed because being around happy people or people that he’s jealous of or something, because that’s relatable and understandable. But him being upset that Robin was marrying someone that wasn’t him when she never expressed being in romantic love with him for the past 6 years just makes me despise Ted. And I don’t despise him, but when I take a step back, that act makes me really hate him. And like.... Ross in Friends was a horrible human. I cannot vouch for him in that he wanted to be a good human—Ross thought he was a good human when he wasn’t. But Ted really did want to be a good human. And it upsets me that this is where the line is drawn, where he believes he deserves Robin more than Barney, more than anyone, when she never showed interest in him again.

---------------------------------------

A brief touch on my hate of Robin’s character in love:

I don’t hate Robin as a human or a character in general. But I severely hate how she was the writers’ ultimate princess on a pedestal and never thought about how she’s not a prize, but she needs to work for happiness. Never once does she work for any of her relationships. She’s incredibly selfish—and hey, that’s fine because I am and all humans are to a degree, but she’s not allowed to stay selfish and get any and every happy ending. That pisses me off to no end. I agree with the people that say Robin didn’t deserve Ted—but in reality, it was more that Ted deserved better. She never made any grand gesture for Ted or Barney when they both tried to give her anything and everything they had. I’m unsure if in any relationship she put herself on the line. I think after Don, she stopped. I think Don got the best of her, but Don didn’t quite treat her well. Kevin was the best match for her because he helped simmer her crazy and he could be a little crazier with her, but really she didn’t offer anything consciously.

She was unwilling to compromise in season 2, and she never changed throughout—she only revealed parts of her that she kept hidden. The writers made her sane and insane, kind and cruel, and every other paradox so she could fit into anything they wanted and seem rounded out even when she wasn’t. The writers kept her as this ideal girl and never understood that girls can have character development too. (Not that anyone besides Barney really had character development—which is also why everyone was rooting for him, not Ted.) The things she’d give up for Barney, she never cared about. The dogs she gave up for Ted in season 2 were her only attempt at dipping her toes in the water, but then the writers just never made her swim again (not that she should have given away her dogs for Ted). As the series progressed, it felt like she didn’t care about anything. That’s why she was consistently able to swing into a new relationship on the same day after a breakup. Because they made Robin sane enough, no one had to doubt her love and she never had to prove it. But now it all seems like a desperate girl who is afraid to be alone and has no idea what she wanted (continued in next section).

-----------------------------------------

On the deleted Robin x Ted lunch finale scene in 2020 and how it impacts the ending:

Josh Radnor said he hoped the writers kept that in the finale because it showed that Ted wasn’t always pining for Robin when he was with Tracy, and that Robin loved and was thinking about Ted as much if not more. I agree with the first part, definitely not the latter.

Before I discuss how I interpreted that scene, here is how I interpret the two endings of HIMYM vs the ideals of the fans (from my perspective).

The ending where Tracy dies and Ted gets with Robin at the end:

Pros: 

The fan theory that maybe this is a happy ending because Tracy gets to be with Max in Heaven, Ted and Robin (and Ted got the kids he wanted and Robin got her career), and Barney and his daughter.

I guess the writers get to use their original footage, but like that doesn’t really warrant a number.

Cons: 

Like Josh Radnor said, it makes it seem like Ted was in love with Robin even when he was with Tracy.

Season 8 and 9 were a total bust and a LOT of the footage and most meaningful and dramatic scenes (absolutely EVERYTHING WITH TED) were a WASTE of viewer emotion. Like I legitimately regret giving any fucks about Ted’s emotions, that lying sonuvabitch.

If it is meant to be like Robin and Ted are soul mates and belong together, the ENTIRE SEASON 3-9 made the fans believe that either 1. NO THEY’RE NOT, or 2. soul mates are STUPID and a LIE and not as amazing as Lily and Marshall made it seem. And if not, then it perpetuates that soul mates aren’t a thing.

It makes it seem that if a guy pines after a girl enough, he’ll fucking get her eventually. No one on the face of at least Democratic America wants white guys to get that message, wtf.

By perpetuating Pro #1, it further makes Tracy to be a vehicle for Ted’s children and not really anything else. Kinda ties into Con #1.

The ending where Tracy is alive (actually this doesn’t matter to me) where Robin and Ted don’t get together at the end:

Pros:

The hope and dream and ideal that a soul mate (Tracy) exists at the end of the suffering—the thing that made Ted such a good protagonist—lives on. And is finally accomplished. And we can be happy for Ted, while believing in love and life ourselves. (This is the main fucking point, in contrast to Con #3 of the previous end.)

The reassurance that even if you think you’re in love now and it’s not working out, one day, you’ll GET THE FUCK OVER IT

The hope that all the love you give out will be reciprocated (this is different than #1 for me simply based on Tracy’s personality, rather than the fact that Ted ended up with someone that wasn’t Robin. Because Tracy was kind to him and wanted to make Ted happy. Robin never tried to make Ted happy, she just rolled with the punches.)

The fact that the drumroll, the build up, the suspense of the story led to actual grandeur and a happy end, and not a fake out like the other ending. (Different from the above because this is simply the storyline, and how this way wouldn’t be like a “haha, [the ending] was in front of you the entire time!”)

Cons:

No footage of the kids?

No non-sappy way to end that doesn’t make everyone hate the writers?

No reason why Ted is telling this story to his kids?

Like honestly, while sappy, there is no con to a happy ending

Now, let’s retrace the first betrayal ending with the dinner scene:

Pros:

Yes, it does look like Ted loved Tracy / didn’t pine after Robin in his head. And yes, this was something that killed everyone in the finale and thus was a big thing.

If Ted x Robin occurs, you still get the Pro #1 fan theory.

Cons:

It doesn’t look like Robin was in love with Ted even if she admits to thinking about him. It instead just looks like she regretted her life and selfishly wanted him because he treated her well, even when she never had any intention of giving him what he wanted. 

Also the awkward thing about Robin kinda trying to get him back when he has a family and alive wife at that point in time.

If this continued with the Robin x Ted thing, it doesn’t really make it seem that Ted was head over heels magically in love with Tracy during this time. His quote, “Happiness is when you stop thinking about the ifs,” would instead be interpreted as if he settled and didn’t want any risks. And, considering he met her after Robin was married, and had kids with her while Robin was still married, this would further incriminate that thought.  Happiness is not love, but the stability of knowing that this relationship... is stable. Ted, despite having cheated on Victoria when she was in Germany with Robin, has never struck me as a cheater. He has always struck me, even in the lowest and crappiest and sleaziest of times, as someone who wanted to treasure the people around him. The fact that he was unnerved by Robin’s confession because he had Tracy and his family did not feel to me that it was because he loved Tracy, but because it was stable, it was his, and he had stopped thinking about Robin when she wasn’t there.

If Ted x Robin get together still, a la Con #1, I cannot be happy for them. Why? What the writer showed us in the original is that Ted has always pined for Robin. This lunch scene was supposed to dispose of that. But, then, it becomes that Robin wants Ted and Ted is like “I always cared about her and it’s been 6 years and I’m lonely.” And yes, this is much better than the original betrayal ending. But it’s still not a happy ending. Ted gets with her because he’s lonely, not because she’s the “one” anymore. And no one cares about that (and it’ll always be overshadowed by the ANNOYANCE OF TED IN SEASON 8-9). Robin gets together with Ted because she’s lonely, regrets many things in her life, and she knows Ted would treat her well (despite never self-reflecting that she doesn’t offer him anything because he always blindly accepted everything about her). That’s not a happy ending, nor an ending worth giving my feelings for, though admittedly more satisfactory than the original.

Overall, the show is supposed to be about how he meets the mother. How he meets his wife. How he falls in love with her. The audience is wanting to watch him fall in love. And after so many seasons of him being alone, the build up becomes grander. We want to believe that at the end of the tunnel is salvation. That this relatable, kind character will be blessed with happiness and love equal or greater to what he’s given. We like the character, and we want him to be happy. And he was never happy pining after Robin. We want to relate to his struggles, but we want him to be rewarded. We want to believe we too will be rewarded. The original ending didn’t do that. I can’t understand how anyone doesn’t understand the backlash after properly watching the show (and being a sane romantic, which should be the prime audience of this show).

So no, I will never forgive that ending.

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And just because I’m ranting,

On what I think about Robin and Barney.

I honestly don’t care if they stayed married or not. Married doesn’t solve problems between a couple. I don’t like them getting divorced from a conservative perspective, but I also don’t see them doing well in the construct of marriage (which also goes for Robin and Ted, but Robin was always portrayed as sane when with Ted. Though really, she would suck at marriage and kids. When she was with Ted, it was literally just sex. And her being his roommate showed that all non-lust side was incompatible. But I digress).

But, I dislike that the finale gave Barney a daughter as a band-aid and made it seem all right.

I can imagine Robin and Barney always fighting. I can imagine it going as far as a divorce. But I can’t imagine it getting to a point where Barney stops trying and stops caring. Because he tried throughout the seasons and he couldn’t. Why, when he gets her, would he stop. Robin never tried, and I can see her falling out of love because she’s incapable of loving (at least for everyone after Don), only of accepting love and using them as a crutch. But Barney really tried and season 8 showed it in tangible measures. While I understand that a one-way street will eventually reach a dead-end (actually I don’t think that’s true, but for the sake of a lack of a better metaphor), the fact that at that point Robin didn’t step it up makes me hate any ending that would end up with her and Ted even more. Yes, Barney was a pig. But he was able to win over the audience into making us believe that he is capable of loving someone. And Robin never did.

I can imagine Barney giving Robin space if she asked, which includes the divorce. But to try to convince us, the audience, into believing that he stopped loving her and stopped showing it in his side glances and gentle grins pisses me the fuck off. I don’t need them married, I don’t need them constantly together. But they’re a couple where I trust Barney to keep going back to as home.

Also that daughter thing—while cute in theory, Barney had an episode about his previous wing bro having knocked up a girl and being a father and it destroying his personality. I can really only imagine this as being how it winds up. I do think Barney would be a good father. And I do think that if Barney is with Robin, he would not have that chance. But I also think that Barney would always love Robin more than enough to be willing to give that up. Unlike Ted, I believe Barney if he said he’d be willing to give it all up without regretting it for the rest of his life. I hate that Barney wasn’t allowed to remain the metamorphosed character at the end of all of his character development. They had to revert all the things to give him a daughter. They didn’t even give him some sort of back story to how the hell he could fuck up the protection when he had sex with over 200 girls without issues. Yeah I’m salty about the shitty and inconsistent writing/storytelling.

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On whether I care if Tracy dies:

Not too much, because I understand that things happen. It does make me sad if we are made to think she and Ted are soulmates, only for her to die early. While I do agree that her early death and making Max her soul mate does sound cute, I refuse to believe for eternity that Robin was Ted’s soul mate, so leaving Ted without a soul mate would also piss me off about this story and basically Ted would be equivalent as Barney knocking up someone, but with a nanny that happens to be the mother of the children. So the answer is no because then we need to destroy the concept of soul mates. So this is why I would like Tracy to live, though I’m not mad at her dying.

Obviously from a storytelling perspective, it would be weird for Ted to tell his kids his whole dating history just to finally skim through his meeting with the mother and she is still alive. But really we gave no shits about why Ted was discussing all these pointless things to his kids, so that continuity isn’t needed if it destroys our hopes and ideals.

If she’s alive, it makes more sense for Ted to talk about the courtship with the mother. If she’s dead, the only reason for him to discuss all his courtships with all the other women would be..... well, in theory it makes sense to show that he’s always loved Robin, too bad that didn’t properly translate in the actual show post season 3 (like really, Robin would have needed to interfere in every relationship Ted had for it to be relevant to the betrayal ending, but that stopped after Stella and there would need to be a time skip to Victoria with inbetweens of Barney x Robin, but ultimately most of Robin’s love life could be omitted. Seriously, if that was the reason Ted was telling the story, then his storytelling skills are shit and he should be at least 65 and retired because his mind is going). And to tell the story just to be like  “I wanna date again” is also nonsense. Basically, all routes are nonsense. Shoulda just scrapped the purpose of Ted telling his sordid past into just him telling a story. Also, getting the kid actors as adults is still hilarious so I think people wouldn’t mind the kids’ continuity over a better ending.