#i am begging well everybody but most particularly US liberals

[proustianrevelry]

Socrates (smart): If Democrats successfully mobilized the majority of the eligible voting population, they'd win popular elections!

Schmuckrates (dummy): Yes, but they don't.

Socrates: I have thought of a solution to this. Democrats must make a law criminalizing non-voters. This threat of fines or imprisonment will win the hearts and minds of people who currently do not vote, who will go on to vote for the the party that made this law, ensuring that the good guys win the coin flip every time.

Schmuckrates: Wow, you're right! My heart is suddenly filled with the patriotic urge to fulfill my civic duty! To the polls!

I do think it's funny that liberals are so abhorred by the notion of a one-party state while also their entire notion of political action is 'make sure one party is the only one ever in power forever'. like obviously there's an entire field of qualitative differences and the existence of class analysis between the liberal and communist positions on the matter but also like. it's hilarious that their own argument is 'we need to flip a coin every few years to decide whether fascists are in power. and we need to make sure the coin lands heads every. single. time.' and if you say that sounds unrealistic they start screaming and crying and blocking their ears

[buckysrighthanddoll]

Feel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader

Warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of past trauma, flashbacks, PTSD, the reader is a dick

Relationships were important to you. You were the type of person who tried to be friends with everybody and make them feel welcomed. This was no different when you were introduced to the Avengers.

Steve was the first Avenger that you met. He would come into your smoothie shop nearly every day, and he just knew that you weren’t quite like the other baristas there. It took around a month for him to ask you about it, which shocked you. You had thought you were doing an amazing job of not being suspicious.

You told him that you had the powers of emotional manipulation and superstrength. It was a struggle for you, especially since you had no idea how to control it. Sometimes you would be so depressed that people around you would cry without reason, other times you felt such elation that it leaked into the store patrons. The strength was rather easy to control in comparison.

He invited you to get some lunch a couple of times a week after that. It was nothing romantic; he simply wanted to get to know you better. After three weeks of getting to know each other, he asked Tony to train and recruit you. He just knew that you would make a wonderful addition to the team and that you would be welcomed and bring light to the dark days that the team would often experience. Steve also thought that you could break Bucky out of his shell a bit, seeing as you went through childhood trauma and were a survivor.

Tony absolutely adored you. He admired your charisma and humor and bright smile, and he thought that with some training, you would be a perfect fit for the team. The others agreed, so you were quickly recruited and given a bedroom to stay in (money was very tight and you could barely afford both rent and a car payment most months).

You met Bucky Barnes in the gym. You worked out for fun because even though you had super strength, you had to keep those muscles strong. Tony wanted you to learn how to fight, so he asked Barnes to teach you (if you call begging and coaxing “asking”).

You weren’t intimidated in the slightest. He was tall, had a metal arm, and was built like a Greek god, but other than that, you knew the Bucky that Steve told you about, and if any of it was true, then James Buchanan Barnes was a giant teddy bear.

“(Y/N)!” Tony called as he walked into the gym with Bucky not too far behind him. You dropped the bar you were deadlifting that had 500 pounds on it and looked over to the two men. “He’s training you to fight. Have fun, don’t kill each other,” Tony said over his shoulder as he left.

“Let’s get started,” Bucky mumbled, going over to the mat. You skipped behind him, your mood unbelievably high. He turns to look at you, all sunshine and smiles, and his heart nearly drops. You are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his entire life. “You’re (Y/N) I hear? I’m--”

“James Buchanan Barnes, but you go by Bucky,” You say, smiling lightly. “Steve told me all about you.”

“Ditto,” He smiles. “Okay, so the first thing we’re going to do is have a small fight. I’ll go easy on you and give you pointers, okay?” You nod your head and get ready. It was times like these when you were grateful that your mom signed you up for self-defense classes when you were fifteen. You took them for three years until you were an adult and couldn’t afford to take them on your own. Bucky takes a fast swing at you, which you catch. You twist his arm and then use it as leverage to hop onto his shoulders. He slams back, nailing you to the ground with his head.

“Well, that wasn’t very nice,” You laughed as he got up, springing up. He swings again, this time you ducked down and kicked your leg to the side, knocking him off balance. He pushes you back, pinning you to the mat with your wrists by your head. “For an old man, you sure fight well.”

“Aren’t you scared in the slightest?” Bucky asked you.

You laugh, a sound that Bucky wants to hear again and again. “Oh, James, I’m not scared at all.”

“You’re not?” He asked in disbelief.

You shook your head. “Being scared is a weakness, and I am not weak,” You said, all smiles despite the intrusive memories. It reminded you of when you were a child before all of these powers had come into play. You used to be scared shitless every single day because your drunken father would beat you senseless. Your mother had taught you that being scared was not okay. It was kin to hope, and hope led to being disappointed, and there was nothing your mother hated more than disappointment.

Which was probably why you despised being called a disappointment--it reminded you of her.

You shook your head quickly, then you lifted your arms off of the ground. They moved easily despite him putting his all into keeping you on the mat. He looked at you in shock as you both stood up. “How did you--”

“Did Tony not tell you about me?” You asked, twisting your head to the side innocently. You were the picture of innocence until people got to know you.

“No, he just told me to come in here and train you.”

“Oh, well that’s a shame,” You said, frowning a little.

“I think we should call it now. You’ve got the basics of fighting down.”

You smiled and walked with him to the kitchen.

The two of you grew very close. You talked to him every single day, and you often spent until two in the morning in his bedroom. He was easy to talk to and he loved how inviting and kind you were. You sparred three days a week to get you ready to take on many opponents of his build, which were the majority of the enemies. Natasha trained you two days a week to get used to being more nimble, flexible, and unpredictable with your strikes. You soon became an amazing fighter who was both super strong and sly.

You and Bucky were in the tower’s cinema one late night, watching some 80’s movie that you had insisted on. You just got back from a rather rough mission in which you liberated multiple children from two abusers-- men that reminded you too much of your father. Once you were back on the quinjet, the entire mood was dark and sad despite the victory that you, Wanda, and Tony had. Your memories got the best of you, and suddenly you were sad and the emotion leaked into the others, and anybody who was near you.

Including Bucky.

He wiped a tear from his face subtly, trying not to let it show that he was crying. Your head rested on his shoulder, eyes shut as you listened to the surroundings. Half of the movie played with the two of you sitting in silence, but eventually, he couldn’t take being so sad. He excused himself, stepping out of the cinema and retreating to his bedroom. You sighed and turned off the movie, deciding to try to sleep.

The exhaustion from the mission did little to help your mind slip into unconsciousness, but it got there eventually with the help of medication.

You moped around the next day, as well. The PTSD flared through the entire day, making everybody around you uneasy. Normally, you were all sunshine and smiles, a walking lollipop, entirely too happy and optimistic. The team had never seen you so down or irritable.

“Could you hand me the butter knife?” You asked Natasha impatiently. When she didn’t react quick enough, likely due to her being in a conversation with Steve, you angrily stomped over and grabbed it yourself. You didn’t understand how you were being so grumpy right now, but you were.

You finished the sandwich and gripped it tightly as you walked back to your room, ignoring all of the glances the team was giving you. Training was in an hour, but you wanted to get to the gym as soon as possible.

“Hey, (Y/N)--”

“Not a good time, Barnes,” You said, slamming your door shut behind you. Bucky furrowed his eyebrows. Not once had you ever called him by his last name. You always called him Bucky, or sometimes James when you were being particularly silly, but never Barnes.

You scarfed down your food quicker than normal, changing into workout clothes and heading down to the gym. You swung and punched the bag until it split open down the center. And even then, you kept swinging.

“Take it easy there, girly,” Sam laughed, coming up behind the bag and holding on to it. You rolled your eyes and kept swinging, knocking the air out of him. “(Y/N), can you please talk to one of us? We’re worried.”

“Why? I’m perfectly fine,” you said irritably.

Sam rolled his eyes at you as he stepped in front of the bag, blocking you from swinging again. His tone gets serious as he gives you a soft look. “We know that you’re not. We just want to see you happy, that’s all.”

“Listen, Wilson, I’ll be fine.” The rest of the team streams in, eyeing you and Sam down cautiously. “Let’s just get this done and over with.”

You sparred Steve first. Taking him down was easy given today’s anger level. You pinned him down in two minutes flat, shocking even him.

Next was Sam. He was an easy fight since you had super strength and he didn’t have a fighting advantage. Thirty seconds was all it took.

Natasha and you fought next. She nearly got you, but you pulled one of her moves and pinned her beneath you, winning the match in a minute or so.

Bucky was last. All of your built-up anger was leaking into the rest of the team, but him more so. Bucky was always more sensitive to your emotions. He put up a hell of a fight and was currently winning. You had your thighs wrapped around his neck one second, and the next you were slammed against the mat with a hand around your throat. Before you could react, a flashback filled your mind.

All you could think of was your father. The man who tormented and abused you. The man who was supposed to love you unconditionally, but instead shattered everything that you were.

“Please don’t hurt me,” You softly cried out. Tears pooled to the surface, all of your anger subsiding as it was replaced with fear. You saw Bucky’s face shift into your father’s, and it petrified you. “Not again; it’s been years.”

Bucky caught on to what was going on. He knew PTSD very well, and he saw how you looked at him as if he were the most intimidating thing on this planet. It was like you were seeing a ghost.

He releases his hold around you, allowing you to sit up. “Take her back to her room,” Tony said, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. “Take care of her.”

Bucky didn’t have to be told twice as he picked you up. You were nearly frozen in shock, your eyes closed tight as you thought of some of the things that your father had done to you.

Getting up to your room, Bucky sets you on the bed. You willed yourself to open your eyes, looking at Bucky. His eyes were warm and kind and the opposite of the man you were just thinking about.

“Please, darlin’, talk to me,” Bucky said. “You haven’t been yourself.”

You let out a choked sob. “My father used to abuse me. Almost every single day. My mom was too scared to leave him, so she did nothing. We lived in constant fear of him coming home each day. And on the last mission, those men reminded me so much of him. I’ve tried being fearless, because being scared is weak, and I am not weak,” You gritted out. “And it normally works. But then shit like this happens and I’m sent right back to my childhood home and I get scared and I hate it and--”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Bucky said, reaching out and stroking your hair. “He isn’t here anymore. We’ve got you, okay? We’ll always have you.”

You nodded your head, taking some deep breaths in an attempt to contain your emotions. “I’m lucky to have you all.”

“We’re lucky to have you.”

“No, really. You guys are the family that I never had. And I’m so fucking thankful that I have you in my life. Buck, you mean everything to me.” He smiled lightly at the statement. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, I promise.”

“Please don’t promise me anything,” You laughed drily. “There has never been a promise that has been kept in my life.”

“What if I promised to love you with every breath given to me?” Bucky asked quietly.

“What?” You asked in disbelief. You had fallen hard for the man in front of you, but you never wanted to push anything too far. It was shocking that he harbored any feelings for you at all.

“I mean it, (Y/N). I promise to make you feel cherished and loved, because you deserve it, because you are amazing in every way; because I’m falling for you.”

He leaned in slowly, glancing at your lips as he caressed your face. You melted into his touch, and when your lips met, you lost yourself entirely. There was no telling where you were, and that’s because mentally, you were sure that you had just transcended time and space. It was a small, lingering kiss, but it made you feel so intensely that Bucky could feel it, as well.

You broke away first, looking into his eyes as you processed what just happened. “Please tell me that was real,” You whispered.

“I promise you that it was,” Bucky laughed--music to your ears.

[jm-3am]

The letter that goes nowhere.

Hello.

Um.

Did I end up accomplishing all 20 things on my list?

Oh. Not at all.

How’d you find this then? Well, I guess after it’s all said and done, the people who are really curious and really taken aback will go on a detective hunt, right?

Right. Well.

I should have written this before I went hysterical, but my head’s not screwed on correctly. You know? Yeah. You know. You’ll probably know by now.

And by now, it’s apparent that I’m not who I said I was.

I’m not really soft. Or nice. Or sunshine despite all the overly flowery terms and emojis, I’m mostly. Um. Nervous.

I think that’s the best way to put it. Stressed could be an extension of this.

Should I even begin to explain why? Or should we skip that part? I don’t know. It’s not very interesting - you’re typical screwed up childhood story. Just another novel - another semi-decent plot that’ll never be a blockbuster.

My earliest memory might be when my parents dropped me off to some relatives and left me there for a while. Call it abandonment issues, but when you’re used to hearing your father say you’re unplanned, a mistake, you cost him his good job in NYC and forced him to move down to the suburbs, and your mother argue “well should I have aborted it?” before he sighs and says no because abortion is a sin, then what? What was I supposed to think? I thought they were giving me away.

I think I was 3, going on 4? Anyway. I learned real quick that nobody’s worth it. Absolutely nobody. My life was worthless because it cost someone a job. My life was worthless because it made people fight. It was so worthless they gave me to strangers because they were tired. And they had to take care of my twin brothers who were babies.

I love my twin brothers, actually. Even though they always call me dumb for not getting vine references and not understanding pop culture, and make fun of me for “supporting the gays” because while they’re super conservative, I’m that one strange pseudo-religious liberal. They’re good people (I think.) They hold the door open for others, they clean the church, they say please and thank you. Actually, these are basic manners, but I guess the arm really does bend INWARDS. They’ll be okay when they grow up I suppose, but right now (despite them only being 2 years younger than me and the closest people I’m allowed to come in contact with - I can’t possibly tell them how I feel). How and why would they understand? Besides, Min always says this, but he won’t come to my funeral. He can’t deal with his sister “being mental.”

Mother? Mom? Well, I suppose she’ll cry. Maybe then I’ll actually get to hear her say the words “I love you” - I remember once, I was maybe in 3rd grade and my teacher had brought her child to work for take-your-child-to-work day. I was surprised how easily she said she loved her daughter - in front of all of us! That night when I went home I asked my mom to tuck me into bed. She at least followed me to my room and said she’ll close my door. I think she was trying. I really think she was. I told her I loved her - I asked her to say it back. She said no. She told me to just go to sleep. In high school I pretended to do a “cultural interview” and asked her why Korean mothers don’t tell their kids they love them. She said it’s embarrassing and unnecessary. Also, the most important thing for any family relationship isn’t love - it’s respect. Huh. I learned something new that day.

I gave up on loving my family. I certainly never learned to respect them. I acknowledge their presence.

They barely acknowledge mine.

 It’s sad. I’m looking at the letters on my desk (I think this letter is already longer than all the other three COMBINED). Why three?

Father doesn’t get one.

2017. The last time I wrote a letter to him.

I found it in the trash later as I was taking it out.

The flowers I had hand drawn onto the edges were smudged with banana. It was a pretty funny sight. It was my suicide letter, actually. Asking him to change, to try harder, if he actually wanted me to stay because I was tired.

Did I take it out of the trash?

Why would I.

It was addressed to “아빠” - I call him father or by his last name, now.

Just like the rest of the people at our Church.

I wonder why “adults” have enough authority and credibility to make up lies that are more believable than the truth. We were at a church gathering when my father attacked me with a golf club and the brothers had to pull him off of me as I slid under the billiards table - we were at church when my 5 year old brother was accused of pulling the fire-alarm and he slapped him so hard Matt went flying backwards and hit his head on a display (turns out, another kid in a different room was playing and hit the fire alarm). Everybody saw it. They heard it. They even stepped in to stop him.

But that was just because he lost his cool. All the times I skipped church at home with bruises so bad they couldn’t be covered, every time I limped in and sat still for 2 hours, every strangely placed band aid. “She fell down the stairs” - “she went ice skating with friends and fell” - “Her lip? It’s because she keeps peeling away at it” - “the bruise on her forehead? She was getting into the van and hit her head on the TV”

Nobody ever asked if it was true.

I just (this is so selfish), but I wanted one person to look me in the eye and say, “Is that what happened?” - Nobody did.

I guess that’s how credible the preacher’s words are.

Besides that what else is there? Being dragged out as he gripped my hair and threatened to chain me to his truck and drive down the road while I gasped for enough breath to apologize.

Taking a knife and hacking off my hoodie that I was wearing.

Throwing my albums.

Throwing me against the door and hitting me with a wooden broom until I eventually said sorry for something I didn’t do.

And each time, my mom took my brothers and hid.

I remember the one time my brother and father got into a fist fight. Do you know what my mom did? The woman I thought was scared. Who I thought couldn’t handle this. Who I even protected and got hit with a frying pan IN HER PLACE?

She tackled my father to the ground.

I realized then... it’s not that she couldn’t. She didn’t.

She had priorities.

It was always Josh.

Despite it all. I don’t hate my brothers. Again. How can I. It feels like they’re always the one who eventually step in to stop me from myself.

Especially Josh. I really tried to keep going this time. This year I thought. I thought it would be different. Actually, since the middle half of 2018 I was doing so much better!

He begged me to live. Just live.

Day by day that’s what I did.

He even helped me, supported me going back to what I used to love.

Dancing, and iKON, and going online to start blogging again. He helped me lie about needing a laptop for college, helped me when I came close to being figured out - clean accounts, new IDs for phone checks and laptop confiscations. He tried so hard to keep me alive.

Why. Can’t I be grateful?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I never did get medicated.

Never got diagnosed, actually.

2017 March - I tried killing myself in the bathroom and my mom broke the door down.

2017 December I tried to kill myself in my room, and my brother slept on the floor the whole night to make sure I couldn’t go anywhere. All the kitchen knives he locked in a cabinet in his room with a key that he wore around his neck.

Same with our medicine cabinet. The youngest sat in a chair right next to our medicine drawer all night.

But nope.

We never talk about it to doctors. Or counselors.

We’re not allowed to.

Who’d believe us, anyway?

“Why are you depressed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you aren’t.”

$500.00

isn’t that how it works?

I don’t know. The one time I cried in front of a counselor my father assigned me - it was at church - and they read me some bible scriptures and told me to pray every night and if I believe in the Lord? It’ll all be fine.

I cry to the Lord every time.

He’s never saved me before.

I didn’t want to be the type of person who pointed fingers yet here I am. I suppose I blamed everybody except for the problem. Me.

In the end, nobody else is at fault. It’s me.

I should live this life because it’s given to me, and I should deal with it. It’s my lot. I’m that ungrateful one who’s kicked it aside. Is that why they say “kicked the bucket?”

I also didn’t want to be the cause of anybody’s sadness or... discomfort, actually. I think discomfort is the right word. When I lose people it’s beyond just a ‘sadness’ - I shake, I go numb (I really realize what it feels like for blood to stop flowing), once I melted in panic, and another time I hid from the world in a little closet refusing to believe it.

In retrospect though, I realized I kept living. At first I was really angry that the world could keep turning without her. My childhood friend. I was really really angry that everybody seemed so fine. Her mother kept going to work, her father even moved on, our friends stopped mentioning her, and even me. The person I thought was her closest friend - even I stopped thinking of her everyday and that angered me. How dare I? You know? How could I? If I didn’t remember her, then how sad would she be? How wronged would she feel? But the more I grew the harder life got, and weekends full of piano lessons and sneaking up to her attic afterwards so we could play with her cat turned into recitals, practice, games, church services, and studying.

All that damned studying.

Because that’s apparently the only thing I was good at. And news flash - wasn’t particularly good at it, either.

Anyway, where was this going?

Right.

Nowhere.

Is anybody still reading?

Probably not.

It’s a bunch of mumble jumble but in the end. In the end.

I hope people don’t think I’m delicate, or breakable or that they should have treated me any differently.

Actually, I’d say I’m pretty strong and unfazed.

Nothing really hurts me - I’m so used to hearing the worst of the worst.

“You’re fat, you’re ugly, you look fake, you seem fake, you’re awkward, you’re dumb, shut up, prude, slut, weirdo,” - literally, none of that fazes me. If you told me that I’d just think “wow... you’re very honest with yourself and others. That’s not very mannerly, and I hope you don’t treat others that way, but thanks for sharing your opinion! It was interesting to listen to.” After all, they’re just sharing a snippet of their mind to me. It may even be the truth. Why should I be offended? What gives me the right to be mad? It’s their opinion on me.

Would I be mad if they said that about others I knew? Yeah. Because I know not everybody’s like me. They shouldn’t go around hurting those who don’t deserve it.

Anyway, again, where was this going? Ah. Right. I’m not hurt by anything. Not affected by much. Even if people completely ignore me! I don’t get particularly sour or sad about it - happens naturally and all the time.

I hope people aren’t beating themselves up thinking “I should have done X, Y, Z.” No actually.

You couldn’t have known.

I despise oversharing. IT always leaves me feeling guilty and cautious. Like I’ve changed a dynamic. 

I don’t want that.

I always wanted to be a comfortable shelter to people.

Someone they can open up to and give sadness too, but didn’t necessarily have to hear back from. Like a one way valve.

So. Whoever made it this far.

You couldn’t have known.

You couldn’t have done anything different.

Despite what you think - you DID give me small bits of happiness.

I finally. I finally knew what the outside world was like.

People predicted that by the time I was 30 and married to someone my family thoroughly vetted I’d learn what it’s like ‘outside.’ I doubt them though. I’m paying for my own education so I can find some sort of work - so I don’t have to be a stay at home mom, who goes grocery shopping, takes care of the kids, cleans, goes to church, repeat. So that my circle wouldn’t stay this small.

But.

I guess some people really live their whole lives in a small circle.

All I have is my family, the small town church circle (with nobody my age... the closest person being 28), and the friends I was allowed to have over to my house (only) but not allowed to go out with from high school (who, all had closer best friends since... well, I never hung out with them outside of school).

For a few months though I felt alive (nervous as hell) but alive.

Who knew people could get so close online? Share pictures and stories and accomplishments and love? Be happy together, sad, mad, even 19+ together (hahha). I was mind blown. Amazed.

I wondered.

If that. was. normal? Did the world... did people in the world do that?

Meet up? Keep connections going? Care?

This is turning weirdly. Educational.

I guess I should accomplish something from the top 20.

May... I’m not like you. I can’t run away. I’m a coward, actually. I can’t call the police, can’t talk to the authorities. I guess I should tell you it’s because it’s 1 vs 4. I know nobody at home will side with me. I can’t blame them. They’re scared, and they have nothing to lose. Actually, if they just lose me it might be perfect. I was always the one who didn’t go the way they planned.

Yooj. I’ll just. I’ll just text you. I think you deserve it.

Dekota - I’m sorry. In 10 years you and your girlfriend will be taking bubble baths together, and walking to the market while the sunsets just to get ice cream, and your shoes will kick pebbles out of the way, and your hair will be dyed whatever color is cool in 2029 and the world will be better. promise. You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, okay? I did see your last twitter message to me. Yeah. I’m okay now.

Autumn: Always keep your head up, you’re the most beautiful, the most loyal, the most diligent, the most honest. Without you I would have never gotten away from Hope. You changed my life.

Bri: I suppose this is a good time to say, you’re my fav? Haha. You’re also the only one in the family I called up. I regretted that a lot. It took a lot of your time, and I was being selfish, but. You have a really nice voice. Remember I said you sounded like my God sister? No. I realize now that that voice is yours now. You sounded like you. You did sound like home though. The few hours(?) I spent talking to you made the years I was alone and lonely feel okay. If it were up to me, I would have never hung up. I heard a lot of your poems, but I never got to read you one...

“Love is not always staying

in the same place

Love is being in the right one

when they’re looking for you”

I don’t know what I’m saying - never really been in a heart wrenching, or particularly nice, or desperate kind of love, but that’s my interpretation I guess. I imagine it’d be like that, don’t you? I hope you find someone who’s always there for you when you need it.

Sam: As I’ve said before. I never wanted an older sister, I always looked up to my cousin and wanted an older brother, but unnie. I got to know you, and I realized. I wanted an older sister. Actually maybe I just wanted to keep calling you unnie. Thank you for everything. I hope the world, the people around you, I hope they appreciate you for everything you’re doing and all that you are. Eventually, I hope you’re at the top - I hope you go so high in life and have so much fun on the way that you don’t regret it. I hope you’re content and happy - I was because of you.

Dep & Bea - The parents hahah the two BEA-utiful people (I can’t believe I’m pushing through with that! But I am!) Thank you for accepting me. I never knew the word “parents” and “children” could be so fun. I’m glad I got to experience it for a while ^^ ~ your latest daughter (who by the way, has now understood your hate for pineapple pizza, it is all up to personal taste, right? Kekeke, I heard Korea has a sweet potato pizza?! What do you think about that?!!)

Christina - sorry I killed double heart anon (oh my, that sounds so cruel! Double heart anon wasn’t even that active, right?! I just wanted to brighten your day because you brighten ours. Actually, on my phone you’re “Christina 빛이나” (It rhymes!!!) I wish that you keep shining

똑똑 Alfa! (Knock knock - no no no it actually was supposed to be “smart” but the no one came out and now it’s a double meaning!) You’re by far the smartest person I’ve befriended - I’m sure we can all agree, we’re super proud!

Joyce - “Joyce over flowers” - nim hahaha the flower of our group chat, I’m honored to have seen you graduate and keep on going for your dreams, I’ll always watch over you and make sure you’re safe! No matter what you choose to do and where you choose to go, I hope it’s only a flower path for you ^^

Celine - you’re art, you know that? You know?! Everybody should tell you this! You’re ART!

Drew - Intellect if I’ve ever seen one - I know we mostly talked about stanning and how terrible the big three were, but besides that I hope you never lose your cute smile and your whole aesthetic touch. I hope you go through life being as beautiful as always. When you’re happy you glow - your humor made my days and nights!

Nista - Sunshine :’) I’d go blind by staring at your beauty! Your personality always made me happy and warm on the inside, sunshine!

Quinn - I don’t know if I was special to you, but you were special to me; I know I promised we could talk about anything and everything, but you still can! You can still talk to me; I’ll always listen to you. You’re probably one of the people who understood me the best. I hope... that eventually you stop understanding me and find the happiness you deserve and the fulfillment you were looking for

Heera - I’m still on your side. I’ll always be on your side. Through your ‘questionable’ food choices to your ‘anti bobby’ ways - I got you. I really do. And if I let you down, I’m truly sorry.

Anis - I’ll always be sending a hug your way.

Hope - I forgave you. A long time ago, before I even realized it. So let’s move on. Okay?

Jae - You had the most on your plate. I hope you’re handling them one by one. You’re wayyyy more amazing than you give yourself credit for. You’re superhuman~~~ really! Your future is bright, just remember to take one step at a time (AND YOUR WATER BOTTLE!!!)

Julia - It’s been years and I never had the courage to go back but, I did think about you a few times. I actually found you on twt once I started back up. You looked happy. You were doing and saying nice things. It made me happy. I didn’t follow, I didn’t message you, I didn’t bother you by pulling you back into our past that was parts painful and parts hilarious (you’ll never ever see this - but I admired you a lot).

JJ - There were words I never said to you because saying them out loud was scary. I loved you. A lot. And new people came, crushes that moved in then out really quickly, because nobody was you. I hoped that I would eventually learn to love anew, but I know that deep down I never fell out. I’ll probably never fall out.

This letter came nowhere. It’ll go nowhere.

Just like me ^^ But that’s good. It’s not meant to, anyway.

- Just Me (Jung Min)

[keepyourgoodheart]

Let’s get political again, sort of. It’s not new for the internet to be flooded with posts and articles comparing Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler (and you can bet that even more will follow soon enough), all the way down to how the two of them saluted the cheering crowd as I’ve found below and just a quick Google search of Hitler salute will give you an equal amount of Trump pictures:

Anyway, in one article there was a mention of Rudolf Höss, the Kommandant of Auschwitz. I found this interesting for several reasons; the first being that Trump’s highly controversial (and currently banned) executive order was passed on International Holocaust Remembrance Day (January 27th 2017), which also happens to be the day that Auschwitz was liberated by Soviet troops. While I don’t believe that Trump is Hitler 2.0 his racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic and nationalistic policies did send me on one epic rant about two weeks ago and hundreds of nasty Tweets.

I want to take a moment to comment on that since at one point I seemed to imply that Trump might as well create Auschwitz 2.0 if he can’t purge the unwanted immigrants from his country but I want to make it clear that I do not believe such a thing. There are mechanisms in place to prevent this type of genocide from happening in America no matter what the circumstances, but World War III could still start tomorrow! Such posts are also increasing in my news feed and while I do my best to believe that politicians aren’t stupid enough to repeat the disaster my grandparents survived, the cold hard truth is that even a small conflict can quickly get out of control and have large-scale catastrophic impacts. I sure hope that the world is overreacting on most issues, but I honestly do not know of a single person that doesn’t experience some degree of anxiety regarding these uncertain times.

I’ve calmed down considerably since my previous rant, but my opinion on the issue hasn’t changed. Not wanting immigrants is one thing, but getting rid of your green card holders (permanent residents) and separating families is taking it to a whole other level. The last I’ve heard though, the green card thing was dropped, but I don’t know about the rest. I’m just as confused as everybody else. As others have put it on social media, je suis sick of this shit.

So much for writing about what I originally came here to write… I don’t know where I’m going with this post anymore. I originally wanted to respond to a political rant I saw elsewhere on the internet that mentioned Rudolf Höss, which mentioned his repentance, but I’ve gone way off-topic. What I was getting at is that I was honestly surprised that he would actually ever have a shred of remorse considering the way he’s always been portrayed in films about Auschwitz. In another twist to this story though, I began a reading challenge with a group of friends and one of the topics is a book written by a criminal and my friend who organized the group recommended Death Dealer written by none other than Rudolf himself. He ends his autobiography with the following words:

May the public continue to see in me the bloodthirsty beast, the cruel sadist, the murderer of millions – for the majority of people would not be able to imagine the Commander of Auschwitz in any other way. The broad mass of people will never understand that he also had a heart, that he wasn’t evil.

Aside from being one of the most chilling books I’ve ever read, his autobiography frustrated me deeply exactly because of the way he ended it. He wrote just before that paragraph that he was shown kindness in prison and broke him, and that he chose to deliberately omit the sections of his book that would portray him having a heart. The reason that frustrated me is that now I’m extremely curious to know who “Rudolf with a heart” actually was but he deliberately took that part to his grave. I know that the world isn’t black and white, but Death Dealer left out the shades of grey in between. I would give the book 4 out of 5 stars and I recommend anyone reading this to read it too.

A Catholic priest named Manfred Deselaers also wrote a book based on Rudolf’s autobiography exploring the issue of evil from a theological point of view. Even as a Muslim, I found it very enlightening and well-written. Whether you are Catholic, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or something else, the concept of evil is something that touches all of us. That is also a book I would recommend. A third one that I’ve read (during my stint in the hospital I’ve had a lot of time to indulge in books) was Kolbe and the Kommandant written by Ladislaus Kluz in which Rudolf further elaborates on his repentance shortly before his execution:

My conscience is forcing me to make also the following assertion: In the isolation prison I have reached the bitter understanding of the terrible crimes I have committed against humanity. As a Kommandant of the extermination camp at Auschwitz, I have realized my part in the monstrous genocide plans of the Third Reich. By this means I caused humanity and mankind the greatest harm, and I brought unspeakable suffering particularly to the Polish nation. For my responsibility, I am now paying with my life. Oh, that God would forgive me my deeds! People of Poland, I beg you to forgive me! Just now in the Polish prisons have I recognized what humanity really is. In spite of everything that happened I have been treated humanely, which I had never expected, and this has made me feel deeply ashamed. Would to God…that the fact of disclosing and confirming those monstrous crimes against mankind and humanity may prevent for all future ages even the premises leading to such horrible events.

Naturally some people will never accept his plea for forgiveness, but I thought it was pretty powerful and even more so since I never would’ve expected something like that from someone like him. Honestly, it restores my faith in humanity in these tumultuous times to read something like that. If only we only opened our hearts more to the people that around us and their needs, and to focus more on being guided by warmth and by humanity, as Rudolf put it in his final letter to his eldest son. If the greatest mass murderer in history can come to understand this, why can’t we?

I will ask again, have we learned nothing from history? Why do our societies still thrive on hatred and bigotry? Why do we still elect officials that promote these ideologies? Many of my American friends tell me, “oh you’re Canadian you don’t understand American’s history,” and while that may be true to some degree, it doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t an American problem, it’s a humanity problem.

So what’s the point of this post? Have humanity. It’s free.

The Repentance of Rudolf Höss Let's get political again, sort of. It's not new for the internet to be flooded with posts and articles comparing Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler (and you can bet that even more will follow soon enough), all the way down to how the two of them saluted the cheering crowd as I've found below and just a quick Google search of…