#i am at the top of the waitlist. i don't have a date for the surgery and it likely just...

[dykethang]

we hate to see the progressive disability actually progressing! i am isolated and alone and nobody really gets it and the spaces that have people who might get it regularly devolve into the Illness Olympics and i hate that!!!!!

[dvar-trek]

February Romance Roundup

what a fucking month! most of these books were bad, but the good ones were so fucking good that i got scared to read anything else in case i had to knock them out of the top spots. mostly what i did instead was learn too much about real hockey players. i, uh. i don't want to talk about what my wikipedia history looks like right now. ANYWAY!

the best of:

there's a tie for first place. sorry. it's my roundup and i make the rules.

Season's Change by Cait Nary- book one in the Trade Season series. if i can convince you to read one hockey romance book, please let it be this one. the yearning. the fucking tenderness. fuck. a veteran player (who is Going Thru It after having been harassed off his previous team) catches feelings for his roommate/teammate, who is. definitely for sure straight don't even worry about it. they help each other, like, grow as people and rebuild their lives, and it's funny and fond and it made my fucking chest hurt. it is really nothing like the captive prince trilogy, but the vibes are the same. i always read my faves multiple times, but i don't even want to tell you how many times i've already re-read this book. i am so fucking soft for these characters i can't even tell you.

Unwritten Rules by KD Casey- bounced off of this twice before i got sucked in, and then it rocketed to the top of the list. another one that is so fuckign tender. two guys who love each so goddamned much, but break up because one of them is entirely unable to stomach the idea of anyone else in the entire world knowing that he's gay (like, including other gay people), and the other one is suffocating under the pressure of not being able to be out to even his family or closest friends. and then a year and a half after the breakup, they see each other again and it is. exquisitely painful. and they have to decide how to work through it. yes this is another sports romance. don't @me. (also, pro tip, pretty reliable way to make me cry: give me a story with people who are so fucking in love, but the love isn't enough. whether or not it has a happy ending, i will cry every time i talk about it forever.)

the rest of:

loved | liked | okay | didn't like

hockey

 ●Contract Season by Cait Nary (second book in the Trade Season series. obviously had high hopes, considering, as discussed above, the first one wrecked me, but it is simply not as good. country singer and hockey player who hooked up one time get outed. in order to try and keep this from torpedoing their careers, they agree to pretend to be dating for the cameras. the plot had some weird back-and-forths, like, they both just kept fucking up the relationship in the same ways over and over. also, one of them was named Seamus, went by "Shay" for short, but spelled it "Sea". authors, please do not fucking do this. i have 25+ years of practice reading the word "sea" and it was so much work to get my brain to read this with the intended pronunciation.)  ●Game Changer by Rachel Reid (book 1 in the Game Changers series. i had high hopes for this one too, because book 2 of this series is one of the most beloved stories in m/m hockey romance. however. it's not great. closeted hockey player fucks his way into a relationship for the first time in his life. but then after like, 2 fucking months, the boyfriend is like "if you don't come out, you have no integrity and also i will need to break up with you because i'm suffocating" which! the narrative treats as being the straightforwardly correct opinion! like, i'm sorry, queer couples have been dealing with not being out, or not being out to everyone, since forever. and the disagreement is not handled anywhere near as well as it is in Unwritten Rules. very difficult to take it seriously. idk. the writing is. fine. still on the waitlist for book 2, but 😕)  ●Winging It (2015 edition) by Ashlyn Kane and Morgan James (i'm giving myself credit for this even though i read the 2022 edition last month because it is essentially an entirely different book. the sex scenes are hotter than in the new edition, but it is otherwise weaker in every way. i give you permission to just skip this one.)  ●Crushed Ice by Ashlyn Kane and Morgan James (the newly released Hockey Ever After book 4. not as good as the first 3, but still basically enjoyable and funny. just features way too many things that are extremely unlikely. this one is about an incredibly uptight veteran player and his rookie who is. uh. well, his nickname is Trouble, if that gives you an idea. loved the characters, did not love the romance.)  ●Road Rules by Brigham Vaughn (nothing really wrong with it, but also nothing in particular to recommend it. novella-length story about best friends/teammates/roommates who start sleeping together even though they are both straight. and then it takes them basically the entire book to figure out that they're probably not straight, and also that everyone already thought they were dating anyway.)  ●Hockey Guys by Sarina Bowen (these books feature very different characters, but have basically the same premise (closeted nhl player starts an ill-advised secret relationship with another man that they maintain is casual even though they catch feelings way too fast) and the same weaknesses (incredibly awkward and unnatural dialogue, and sex that's still hot enough but pretty formulaic). every time i start a sarina bowen book, i think it's going to be so much better than it is. i don't know why i'm still doing this to myself either.)     ○The New Guy     ○I'm Your Guy

sports that are not hockey

 ●Dirty Players by KD Casey and Lauren Blakely (two baseball short stories in the same universe as Unwritten Rules. first one is about players on rival teams in the same city that have long-standing sexual tension. second one is about players in different divisions who have a one-night stand, and then end up traded to the same team. it is incredibly rare ime to find original romance novellas/short stories that still have good pacing, especially if there are sex scenes, and these both fucking nail it. not exactly groundbreaking works of fiction, but top marks for what they are.)     ○Dirty Slide     ○Dirty Steal  ●Top of Her Game by M. Ullrich (y'all i tried so fucking hard to give this a fair chance because i know how embarrassingly little femslash i have on these lists, but i only made it halfway through. which is better than i did on any of the other femslash books i tried to pick up this month. it's not even that bad, it's just not any fun. at all. Kenzie is a rookie soccer player who ends up on the same professional team as Sutton, her idol/celebrity crush. Sutton already has a girlfriend, and also has a bad habit of falling for rookies who worship her, but ? it's different this time ??? because Kenzie's not like other girls????? i don't know, man.)  ●Playing for Keeps by Riley Hart and Neve Wilder (story time: my mom grew up in china during the cultural revolution. foreign literature and anything that wasn't communist enough was illegal, and having it in your possession could get you arrested or worse. but my mom had a classmate whose dad had been a bookseller, and had a secret personal collection of great literature that he couldn't bear to part with, including shakespeare, tolstoy, dostoevsky, and verne. and this classmate used to smuggle in books that she would lend to my mom for one day at a time, and then return them before her dad noticed they were missing. so my mom read a lot of classics really really fast. the way she finished war and peace in one day was, in her words, by "skipping all the war". similarly, the way i got through a mediocre gay (american) football romance series was by skipping all the football. anyway, these are fine, but the writing quality takes a dive in the third.)     ○Rookie Move (rookie player ends up on the same football team as his older brother's best friend, on whom he has a long-standing crush. they get assigned to be road roommates—which, side note, football players make hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars a year, there is no way they make standard-contract players have road roommates—and start having casual sex, which obviously leads to no complications or emotions whatsoever.)     ○False Start (mid-career player gets traded to the city his ex used to play for (and still lives in). ends up moving in to his spare room until he can find a new place, and they start having casual sex, which is always a good idea, and of course leads to no complications or emotions whatsoever.)     ○Illegal Contact (rival players who grew up in the same town have hate sex that gets very intense and possessive very fast. and. as you might guess. definitely leads to no complications or emotions whatsoever.)

everything else

 ●String Theory by Ashlyn Kane and Morgan James (i'm just gonna link you the goodreads description because i honestly don't know what else to say about this book. it's fine. the sex scenes are nothing special. there's a fair amount of therapy-speak. honestly not sure how these writers produce romances of such incredibly variable quality.)  ●His Leading Man by Ashlyn Kane (tbh i have the exact same comments as above. here's the summary. nothing major to complain about or compliment.)  ●Winner Bakes All by Alexis Hall     ○Rosaline Palmer Takes the Cake (single mom competes on what is, for legal reasons, not the great british bake off. about what you expect from an Alexis Hall romance. sweet, so fucking funny, and a little awkward. the characters that suck really fucking suck, and the characters that you like are imperfect and lovable. doesn't quite measure up to my other Alexis Hall faves, but it's been a rough month. i'm grading on a curve.)     ○Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble (takes place on the following season of not-bake-off. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. this book is very funny and well-written, but i found it so incredibly painful to read. the pov character has the kind of undiagnosed, untreated anxiety that results in him constantly crying and apologizing profusely for how much he sucks, while continuing to make life very difficult for the people around him. when i got past the halfway point and he still wasn't in therapy, i seriously considered stopping. if you are a better and more patient person than i am, you may still love this book.)  ●Roommate by Sarina Bowen (two guys in a small farm town rent a house together and fall in love. simply not very good! i don't think the author knows anything about the jobs she gave her main characters. it also does the thing where they both know they're into each other, but they won't just be together because ??? hand-wavey reasons ?? and then for other inexplicable hand-wavey reasons, they decide to just go for it. this is infuriating to me.)

thank you for participating in this roundup of highly variable quality! as a reward, please accept this special-edition photo of polwygle.

[gayward-vagabond]

Hello, my name is Rowan, I'm a 21-year-old trans masc person trying to save enough money to have top surgery within two years from now.

I live in Pocatello, Idaho where I go to school, live with my partner, raise two children, and work for an organization called Lambda Qi, which focuses in LGBTQ community out reach, sexual health advocacy, and HIV education and prevention. I love the work I do, and am excited every day to get to make a difference in Pocatello's LGBTQ community. However, I don't make an amount of money that makes saving for top surgery a timely, or even at times likely, goal. I have tried to save before, but last time I did, I was fired from my job unexpectedly, unemployed for the following five months, and had to use my savings to avoid homelessness.

I have been wearing a chest binder more than full time since 2014. While it does mitigate my gender dysphoria while I'm wearing it, it's not a viable long term solution. Over time, it has become more likely for me to bind more often than I should because not doing so is so mentally and emotionally tasking. My favorite description was a friend who described me as having "an objectively perfect yet emotionally crippling set of knockers." And he was right on all accounts! Despite my chest dysphoria taking a considerable emotional and mental toll, what really got me in gear to put a hard deadline on having top surgery is the physical stress my body is under. I am almost always sick from October to May, and am at increasing risk of breaking a rib. have had pneumonia three times in the past year, two of which I was hospitalized for. The year before that I had pneumonia twice as well. Even the best chest binders are only supposed to be worn for 8 hours maximum, and I am routinely in mine for upwards of 12. My lungs hurt, my ribs hurt, and I am constantly exhausted.

My goal is to be financially ready to afford top surgery within the next year- most surgeons need a hefty down payment before adding someone to a waitlist. The waitlists are long, usually 8-12 months out from the actual date of surgery. This is also not an inexpensive procedure, I'll probably end up paying around $12,000, all of which is out of pocket. I will be saving what I can incrementally, graciously accepting donations here, and will inevitably have to take out a loan to cover the rest.

If you have the means to donate, I hope that you would consider doing so, and if not, please please reblog this and/or share this elsewhere. If you would like to donate elsewhere my Venmo is @ politebotanist 💛

[audacitytomom]

Izien's Birth Story

Every birth story since the beginning of time has been unique. Izzy’s has been no different. I've decided to share Izien's birth story today, knowing that there are plenty of moms out there that would relate to this story and may even find it helpful. Giving birth in a new country is no easy task. While it's amazing that Izien was born in Chicago, the birth as it is being quite a ride.

I had a healthy pregnancy. I gained about 12 pounds. I was regular with my runs and walks. Those who know me, know that I've always been plump. However, I managed to fall within the BMI during my pregnancy. I secretly believe Izien was conceived on my birthday last year, but I didn't know until March. And thus, begins the story of how Izien Marshal Joe came into existence.

While this post is about Izien and me, it is also about the information I wish I knew. I had just moved to be with Joe and so hadn't been in the country for long. My pregnancy was confirmed by a walk-in clinic. The doctor knowing that I'm new to the country handed me a recommendation for an OBGYN (Obstetrician & Gynecologist). Wanting to have more options, I turn to the Internet. I compile a list of names that I liked and called them. The first 2 asked when my due date was and upon hearing that I'm only 7 weeks asked me to call back when I was 12 because that was when they start giving out appointments. 

The important thing to remember here is that the doctor doesn't become ‘your’ doctor till after the first appointment. Their office must first run your insurance, your credit card etc. and the visit - all culminate to it. This is a good thing because this acts as a safety blanket. We don’t need to commit to a doctor till after the first appointment.

 The next 3 informed they had a waitlist and one of them had an opening in November. I was due in November (at least according to my calculations). At 10 weeks I still hadn't found a doctor. It was beginning to look as though I should have found an OBGYN and then got pregnant. 

As soon as you enter a new country, start looking up doctors. You don't have to be pregnant to visit an OBGYN. This is the simplest way we can avoid getting stuck in the system and being at its mercy. 

 I called the recommendation given to me and I was set up with an appointment immediately. Here's tip number 2 for moms like me who has no idea about the system.

Know all about your insurance. There are mainly 2 kinds here and some doctors except only one or the other or some both. Call your insurance and get a detailed overview of everything that you can benefit out of it. For example, BCBS (Blue Cross Blue Shield) has an option where it completely covers $30.00 over the counter medicines every 3 months*.  This is information that they don't just advertise around. So be sure to ask. Ask and you shall receive

 She was good enough. That's what I kept thinking. She wasn't the best. She barely spent any time explaining anything.

Speak up! I mean it. It doesn't matter if you’re conscious of your accent or if she thinks you’re dumb. It's your body and you deserve to know each and everything happening to it. All the test should be explained in detail. Thankfully, I always had the reports looked over by my uncle who is a doctor back in Bahrain. But I really should have spoken up.

 As I had predicted, my due date was on November second. I visited her for my 8-month appointment which was around Oct 15 and I was greeted by an older doctor who resembled a lot like her. She was my doctor's mom who co-owned the clinic with her. She informs me that as her daughter is getting married on the 4th of November, she will be taking over from here on. WHHHHAATTTTT?!!?!? I didn't react. I didn't let the anger, anxiety, disappointment show on my face. I just went through with the appointment.  On hindsight, I really should have but the fear of not finding a doctor on time and of this medical system made me do nothing.

Hospital - This is another super important factor. You may have a hospital in mind but your doctor most probably doesn't 'visit’ there. Which means you need to ask for a list of hospitals that your doctor uses beforehand and review them and see if you like them and if you don't you get to move onto another doctor. A good NICU among other things are definitely on the top of the list and if you’re like me and like to have a say on where you're giving birth then you're better off looking for doctors who actually go there.

I was presented with 3 hospitals to choose from and I chose the one that was the closest. Thankfully, it also had a great neonatal unit. My last visit with her (my doctor’s mom) was on Nov 8th and she wanted me to get admitted immediately. She said my fluids were low. I got admitted. But it was because of her that I was in a situation where I may have to have a C- section. I really wanted to change my doctor.

The nurse told me that I can always change my doctor and that I’d be automatically transferred to the in-house OBGYN. It is 100% true in all states because I opted for that and I can’t tell you how happy I am with the decision.

 They had not only hidden the marriage date until the last moment, but they also postponed my appointment to after my due date because according to her the I wasn't even close to giving birth on Oct 31. So, she made the executive decision to meet me well after my due date by which time I had to be immediately admitted. It wasn't fair to me, Izien or my body. Izien was born via c-section on November 10 at 11pm and it was such an out of body experience. I was so glad I chose to change my doctor and so glad that I knew I had that option. Nobody deserves to go through with something as beautiful as bringing a baby with people who lied to them and didn't have their best interest at heart.

 Midwife & Doulas - Either/or guys! I wish at least one was present during all my nerve wrecking decision of changing a doctor. Ask your insurance about it. Midwives are usually covered and sometimes doulas too. And sometimes even lactation consultants. When the baby is born via c-section and the baby must be placed in NICU, it delays the feeding and often the baby will have a hard time latching. Izien and I struggled with this too, Therefore, lactation consultants. Doulas are so important for women like us who are in a new country. Doulas are birth companions, a non-medical person who assists the mama before, after and during the childbirth whereas Midwives are trained health professionals that can take the delivery with or without a doctor present. I most definitely plan on having a midwife for my next pregnancy.

 He wasn’t making any effort on coming out and I was way over my due date so obviously C- section. It was scary but not as overwhelming as I imagined but I wish I had mentally prepared for both the scenarios (Natural and c-sec). I didn’t even consider C-section so everything after was a slow learning process for Izien and me. He came out 5.2 ounces while both trimestral ultrasound showed 6 and 7.5 ounces but somehow, in the end, my baby was so small. But he was healthy and kicking it and that’s all that mattered.

 We didn’t get to click a whole lot of pictures of Izzy till he turned 2 months but here are some we got at the NICU, on the next day! We aren’t supposed to, but we be sneaky. 

Love,

Mel

PS* - To all the mother who are experiencing struggles same as mine, my heart goes to you. Keep courage and speak up! Do reach out ladies, there is more help than you think. 

PPS* https://www.bcbsil.com/mmai/plan_details/drug_coverage.html 

Visit the link above  on more info on the BCBS Drug plan coverage mentioned above. You can buy baby diapers, formula etc using it as well!