#i am also mad at the system for making people go to work sick!

[lepetitfruit]

Co-worker: yeah I'm sick today :/ I feel so sick

Me, externally: awww nooo I hope you get better soon!!

Me, internally: what the fuck!!!! Why are you here! At work! At a RESTAURANT!!! while you are sick!!!!

[cosmicdream222]

EFT Tapping Script Template for Void State, Manifesting & Shifting

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・。.。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

This is an example EFT tapping script to use to clear your negative beliefs, calm your nervous system, and reprogram your mind with positive affirmations around entering the void, manifesting your dream life or shifting.

If you've never tried tapping before, this quick video demonstrates all the points you need to know. Some people don't use the wrist point and that's fine, I prefer to use it. You can also tap other places on the body, especially places that might hold tension like your lower back or shoulders.

Phase 1: Set-Up

Tapping sessions start off with a "set-up" on the side of the hand, where you tell yourself that even though you have all these negative thoughts, it's ok and you love yourself anyway.

The set-up phrase template is: "Even though I [have this negative thought/feeling/situation], I deeply and completely love and accept and forgive myself." It's usually repeated 3 times, but can go longer if you want.

It's best to use your own words, but this is the basic idea:

For void state: "Even though I think the void is hard to enter, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I have tried so many times to enter the void, and I keep failing, and I'm so frustrated and annoyed, I deeply and completely love and forgive myself. Even though I have tried so many methods and nothing is working, and I'm so mad that people make it seem so easy, and I feel like something is wrong with me, I deeply and completely love and accept and forgive myself. I'm willing to change the way I look at things. I'm willing to change my mind and my state. I'm willing to let go of the past."

For manifesting your dream life or shifting: "Even though I think it sounds impossible that I can wake up with all my desires/shift to my desired reality, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I have so many limiting beliefs from society, doubts that this is real, and people telling me this is ridiculous, I deeply and completely love and forgive myself. Even though I have tried so many methods and keep failing, and I wonder if I'll every be successful, and I feel like something is wrong with me, I deeply and completely love and accept and forgive myself. I'm willing to change the way I look at things. I'm willing to change my mind and my state. I'm willing to let go of the past,"

Take a deep breath, rub your hands together, drink some water.

Phase 2: Venting

Start tapping on the main points in a cycle and continue with the venting.

Void: "I have been trying to enter the void for so long. I haven't had any success. It's just so frustrating. It's just so hard. No matter what I try it doesn't work. Every morning I wake up disappointed that I failed to enter the void again. Why has it been so hard for me? Some people make it look so easy. It's just not fair. What am I doing wrong?"

Manifesting/shifting: "I have been trying to manifest my dream life/shift for so long. I haven't had any success or movement at all. Every morning I wake up in my same old reality and I'm so frustrated. I just want to wake up with all my desires. I'm just sick of this life. Why do some people make it look so easy? I've tried everything and keep failing. What's wrong with me?"

Continue venting for as long as you need. You might want to go through 2-3 (or more) rounds of the negative before you move on.

Phase 3: Bridging

Next I like to start making "bridging" statements. Like you're creating a bridge from your past negative state to your future one, you're gradually guiding yourself to feel better.

Example bridge for any: "I know I've been trying for a long time. But I also know I've had a lot of things to overcome. Yes, my life has been difficult. I know it's not my fault. I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I can't compare my journey to anyone else's. I don't know what they were going through before they had their success. But I do know I am in control of my future. No matter what happened in the past, I'm willing to believe I am in control now. I'm willing to believe that life can be easy for me. I'm open to believing that I can be successful."

You can continue to bridge as long as you need to. If you find your affirmations hard to believe, you can do a few rounds saying them starting with bridging phrases like:

Maybe I can start to believe that ____

I'm willing to believe ____

I am open to the possibility that ____

I can start to accept that ____

I choose to believe ____

Phase 4: Positive Affirmations

Finally, start using your positive affirmations and hyping yourself up.

Void: "It literally doesn't matter what happened in the past, because I am in control now. I was overcomplicating things because of tumblr and putting the void on a pedestal. I don't have to do that anymore. I know the void is real. I also know the void is no big deal. I know I enter the void every night when I sleep. I've entered the void a million times before. I know the void is just myself in my highest form. I know I am in control of the void because I am the creator. I know the void is easy to enter. I know I can enter the void easily no matter what."

Manifesting/shifting: "It literally doesn't matter what happened in the past, because I am in control now. I was overcomplicating things because of tumblr/ShiftTok and putting my desires on a pedestal. I don't have to do that anymore. I know manifesting/shifting is real. I know I am the creator of my reality and I can have anything I want. No desire or reality is more special, bigger or more important than any other. I know I can have whatever I want. I know I can shift/manifest easily. I am a master shifter/manifestor now. It's so easy for me to get all my desires."

Continue with the positive statements for as long as you want. In total the whole thing would probably take 10-20 minutes, but you can always go longer.

When you're done, rub your hands together or "Namaste", thank yourself for doing the work, and drink lots of water!!

[ordinaryschmuck]

Finished the main story campaign in Spider-Man 2

What I liked

There were some AWESOME action set pieces. Sandman's boss fight, the prison transfer, Kraven's den, chasing Black Cat, and hunting the Lizard just to name a few.

The swinging is still fun and I LOVED the web-wings. There are times when I go in for a glide, hoping to get to the checkpoint without needing to swing. It's more addicting than it should be.

LOVED Kraven. Probably the best adaptation of him yet with an interesting motivation that makes sense for a character like him.

Miles' little story with Mister Negative is ALSO interesting, and I like how it ended, especially with what they do with Martin in the end. It's pretty good.

The boss fights are a huge improvement, adding in a health bar that lets you know how far along you're kicking ass and making each fight feel like a battle WON. It's frustrating that I got MY ass kicked more times than not, but each time I finally beat the boss it I EARNED that victory.

That brief moment where I was killing people as Venom was super fun in a sick way. PLEASE make that Venom Spin-off game, Insomniac. We want you to just for gameplay alone.

Peter giving into the madness of the symbiote is handled pretty well. It DOES feel like he becomes a little more evil quicker than he should have, but I blame that on me going through the game's story mode and actively avoiding the side missions until I finished the campaign. Everyone's gameplay experience is different and something that feels fast in the story might not feel as fast to others.

MJ's stealth missions are actually pretty exciting this time...a bit bullshit that SHE can take care of certain goons, but at least I'm not wasting time hiding anymore. And that final mission with her was surprisingly fun and intense.

I liked those prequel scenes of Peter as a teen. Really sold how young he was when starting out as Spider-Man.

What I Didn't Like

THAT GOSH DANG PARRY SYSTEM! I'm willing to blame my own lack of skill for this, but I HATE parrying. I almost NEVER get it right, and it sucks when fighting foes where parrying is a requirement to beating them. And it's extra bullshit when the game throws in attacks you HAVE to dodge and get super FUCKED when you parry instead. It made combat more frustrating than fun, and actually hurt my enjoyment in the combat, which I INTENSELY enjoyed from the first game and the Miles Morales spin off.

And don't even get me started on those horseshit checkpoints! Every time I start over, I am filled with DREAD that I have to do all that annoying difficult shit all over again because I didn't get to this exact point the game wanted me to get to.

It doesn't make sense that Kraven has goons. He works best as a solo act and I don't get what his minions get out of working for him. I know it's to give us more people to fight against, but it doesn't work for me.

Norman Osborn is surprisingly underutilized in this game? Like, with how much of a prominent role Harry has, there's not much of a need for Norman, nor a valid reason to be there other than get pissed off over what happens near the end. It feels like his character was an afterthought, which is strange for someone who's meant to be the Green Goblin soon.

Harry's character...gets worse the more the game goes by. He started out interesting as someone both clinging to the past and trying desperately to pick up his life right where he left it. But as the game goes on and it tries to push this...idea with him, it doesn't really work as there's not enough time to properly develop it. It was a good idea with not that great of an execution.

Miles' suit...I don't hate as much as the rest of the people who played the game, but I do think it's nonsense that Miles made it while the city was being destroyed. Yeah, Peter made a new suit in the end of the last game, but there you can argue that it's for practicality purposes in order to get the upper hand against Doc Ock. Miles just made a new suit because he thought it looked cool...It does not.

AND WHERE ARE THE AVENGERS?! It didn't make sense that they didn't show up in the first game, and it makes even LESS sense now! Like, you really expect me to believe that NONE of the Avengers were available at the moment? NONE?! Not even Hawkeye?! At this point, I expect the third game to end a similar way Peacemaker did, where Peter and Miles are carrying away a bleeding out MJ after this big apocalyptic fight, and the Avengers show up JUST as its over only for Peter to go, "You're too late, assholes!" And now that I say it...that would actually be pretty funny. But it's still nonsense that they're not there!

And that's about it. 8/10 game, not as great as the first one, but still pretty fun.

[eyesaremosaics]

Confronting the shadow self is daunting. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong with me… on one hand I have grown exponentially—and changed for the better! However, in other areas I have gotten worse. Mainly my deep seated anger (that surfaces at inappropriate times), and also my inability to regulate my stress responses.

What ends up happening is that I bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. As a people pleaser, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle, and it takes a toll on my nervous system.

Trying to sit with these feelings. When I am sick for example (which doesn’t happen very often), I get REALLY sick… and then I snap at people, become very short with them and have a bite to my words. This is because I am in a lot of physical pain, but I should just call in sick and prioritize my self care instead of subjecting others to my bad moods. I always say “YES I can do that”, “sure, no problem!” When really I should put my foot down and say: “I’m not feeling well, I need to stay home and rest today”.

By forcing myself to work, I am not only making myself miserable, but also making everyone around me miserable.

Sometimes I come home from working with children… and just cry because I know I failed them that day. I FAILED as a caregiver. This happened a few weeks ago. I was getting stressed out because it was getting late, and the little guy needed to get up early for his first day of school the next day. I was getting snippy with him, and he told me: “Megan, when you get mad at me, it makes me want to cry.” I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I broke down and started crying. Telling him that he was right, and how sorry I was. I explained to him that I was just exhausted from working too much, and that it wasn’t his fault, and he absolutely did not deserve it.

I cried because I don’t do it on purpose, but at times I feel powerless to stop it.

My mother always used to yell and my siblings and I… because she was so overwhelmed with her life… it did a lot of damage to all of us. Don’t get me wrong—I love my mother deeply. She made my childhood magical in many ways, and I have a lot of respect for her. She had a hard time of it when we were growing up (as sole bread winner or single parent a lot of the time) and she did the best she could with what she had. I suppose that’s true of all parents.

Some days you feel good, you know you made a positive impact on a child’s life, and some days you know you (unconsciously) did damage. We are only human after all. My mom feels terrible about how she yelled at us. It must be genetic, because my grandmother admitted to doing it too when she was younger.

It has made me reevaluate whether or not I want to be a mother one day. I am good with kids actually, they love me almost immediately and I get along great with them because it’s so easy for me to become a child again and play with them on their level.

Growing up poor does something to your psyche. You end up with this “scarcity” mindset that I just hate. I realized that I eat so quickly (which is horrible for your metabolism btw) because I was 1 of 4 children—if you didn’t eat quick during dinner, you didn’t eat. Always feeling like there is not “enough” to go around, always starving for more love or attention (because you had to compete all the time to get it).

Seeing all these things so clearly now. The antecedent moment is known to me, but the way forward is not. I have been “catching myself” in the act of bad habits and trying to reshape my behavior. I’m grateful to my mom for teaching this to me too. She was always the first to apologize to us when she was wrong. She was humble and took accountability, which showed us that grown ups make mistakes too.

I remember confiding in my grandmother about how much “mommy yells”. My grandma told my mom what I’d said, and my mom really took it to heart. She would take deep breaths and count to ten before unloading on us. I remember actively watching her try to change, and she did eventually.

I hope that I can manage to do the same, and that the damage I have done to people I love is not too great to be healed.

Trauma is not an excuse. You don’t get an excuse to treat people poorly. Though I know… I have a good heart. I would never hurt ANYONE on purpose. I know myself at my core, and the core of my heart is very loving and compassionate. So now is the time for me yo be more compassionate with myself. By understanding where these wounds come from, I can catch myself and pivot my response. I can also apologize and say: “I’m sorry, I am working on managing my stress better, please let me try that again.”

A month ago, my boyfriend, my cousin, her girlfriend and I all went up to Mendocino. Yury (my boyfriend) manages 62 acres up there for the scouts organization he volunteers for. Usually we camp or stay in the cabins, ride around on the ATV’s, toast marshmallows, swim in the creek etc. It was a fun weekend, until the accident.

My little cousin, is my cousin through marriage. When I was a freshmen in high school, she was just a baby at 2. We went together like peas and carrots. I saw so much of myself as a little girl in her, and I felt very protective of her. Her parents were both tweakers, so they were mostly absent. My grandma, my grandpa and I all had a hand in raising her. She grew up to be a good kid, but I was concerned to hear from her girlfriend that she was very reckless at times and made dangerous impulsive decisions.

Basically, what happened was a long chain of events that I won’t detail here (because it will take too long to flesh out), was that after warning her all day that the ATV was not a toy, that she needed to go slower on it, she didn’t heed my warning and flipped the ATV over with my boyfriend riding in the passenger seat.

My cousin’s girlfriend and I were in the cabin listening to music. She asked me if I heard anything, but I said it was probably just the music. Then we heard it again, we opened the door and went outside. We saw my cousin running up the path screaming “help! The atv flipped over! Yury is trapped underneath it!”

My boyfriend was pinned under the ATV. Adrenaline kicked in and I thought for sure he was dead. I didn’t want to believe it. I was terrified. The next thing I remember was hearing him screaming in pain. My brain relaxed slightly, to hear he was still alive. Now time to asses the damage. I tried to lift the ATV on my own, but no way, it was too heavy. The girls all started pushing from different sides in their panic, which was grinding the roll cage further into his leg.

He screamed in agony. I told the girls: “on three we need to lift at the same time girls ok? One, two, three!” We somehow managed to lift it. First just to release his leg. I looked over Yury to make sure no vital organs or anything were crushed in the crash. Thankfully it was just his ankle and his foot.

Somehow we managed to push the ATV back on to its wheels, so it wasn’t leaking fuel on the ground. At this point the full blown shock and panic set in. I ran to the first aid to try to find bandages, but I was panicking so much that I was looking but not able to read words. I was kicking the boxes screaming “I’m looking but not seeing”. My cousin came in and said; “why don’t you let me do that?” At which point I rounded on her and started screaming “why did you do that?! Why did you fucking do that?!”

I was so furious. I went up in flames. I must have looked possessed. Her girlfriend told me that my screaming wasn’t helping and to pull the car around so we could load yury in.

The situation was critical. It was the middle of the night. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell reception, and the closest hospital was a hour away. Not to mention we’d all been drinking. I told them: “I can’t drive, I’ve definitely had too much to drink.” I certainly wasn’t going to let my cousin drive after the accident she just caused, thankfully her girlfriend had stopped drinking hours before and offered to do it.

We had to drive into town 20 minutes to get cell reception so we could find an ER. Willits said it was closed. So we had to go all the way to Fort Bragg on these foggy, windy roads with deer jumping out in front of the car—which wasn’t even my car by the way, it was my bosses car. All while Yury is screaming in pain in the back seat.

We almost blew up the car by accidentally… by turning the ignition on while it was pumping gas. Thank god we turned It off in time. More stress.

It felt like an eternity until we got to the hospital. I kept screaming over and over how stupid this was, blaming my cousin and asking why she ignored my warnings all day and thought she could Tokyo drift the ATV like that. To be fair, my anger was justified, she almost killed my boyfriend. However, my yelling and screaming like a lunatic was not. On the drive I managed to calm down, and just focused on helping her girlfriend use the controls on the BMW.

I knew that I needed to just shut up and stop yelling, because I was doing damage. It was better for me to not talk to my cousin because I wanted to kill her at that time. It would be different if I hadn’t been warning and lecturing her all day not to drive crazy on it. Then it would have been on us. However, her eye rolling and dirty looks whenever I said anything about it, and the blatant disregard soon as she was out of range where I could see her—led to the situation we were in.

Granted we had all been drinking, so no one should have been driving, I didn’t say she could, I thought Yury was going to do it. He mostly smokes weed, and is a very safe driver. He’s the only person I trust to drive my car. He blames himself for letting her drive, and truthfully he shouldn’t have let her. However, she is one of those people who doesn’t look drunk when they are. She doesn’t slur her words, or stagger, she looks and talks normal.

She begged Yury to let her drive it, and he relented because “she looked so excited like a little kid” and he wanted her to have fun. He also thought she would go slow in the dark. We were all about to turn in for the evening when this all went down. Yury didn’t even have time to tell her to slow down before it flipped.

We got through it, but Yury is out of commission for months now. He fractured 4 bones in his foot, and he may need to see a specialist to reset the bones or put pins in some of them. He can’t walk, shower, go anywhere or do anything without help. This has put a lot of strain on me, as I already work multiple jobs, and have very little free time as it is. Of course I’m happy to do it and help him, but it has exhausted me. I basically have no time for self care.

He can’t work, so the responsibility to pay all our bills has fallen on me. He manages to scrape rent together with the little remote work he can get done, but everything else (groceries, pg&e, gas, etc) falls on me, and I don’t know if y’all have noticed—but shit is expensive now.

I worked a crazy amount of hours in August. 60-70 hour weeks. Didn’t have a day off for 3 weeks straight between all my jobs. Though I am grateful for the work, grateful that I make good money, not having any free time really wears on you after a while.

Hence why I was getting snippy with the kids. Not an excuse, but it is the origin. Not to mention my cat Persephone of 21 years literally died in my arms… I had quite a bit of trauma compacted into two weeks. To top all of this off, I gad a terrible session with my therapist of the last 5 years, which I think concludes our working relationship.

I told my therapist about the accident, and at the time I was very angry still. The day after the accident, I apologized to my cousin for yelling at her, but expressed my concern that she has these reckless behaviors, and that I hope this will serve as a wake up call for her not to do things like that in the future. She looked at me like she hated me and said: “yeah, ok.” And got in the car and left.

My therapist started in on me, about how I’m actually not taking accountability as I said I was. She rounded on me saying that I’m still saying it’s all her fault, which in my opinion it was, not to mention I was still mad. I think I had every right to be mad, Yury and I have over 4 grand in medical bills that we can’t pay, not to mention the fact that he can’t work, and I have to work double shifts to pay our bills. All because she ignored what I had been telling her all day long. I would not have let her drive the ATV. True, Yury shouldn’t have let her drive, but it was such a relatively short distance, and had she been driving normally, none of this would have happened.

I know it was an accident, I know she didn’t do it on purpose. Yet ultimately, she is refusing to take accountability for the part she played. She did not apologize to Yury, she had not called to ask how he’s doing. Nothing.

She ran to my grandmother and basically painted it like Yury and I told her she could do that, and made all these excuses for her behavior —which is just infuriating. All you had to do, was apologize, check in on Yury and maybe offer to help him out a little while he heals. It’s not that hard. Yet again, for some people, apologies are hard. She wasn’t raised with repentant parents, she never learned how to do it.

My cousin told my grandmother that our relationship is permanently damaged because I yelled at her. That my apology was too late. My grandmother said: “she looked up to you all her life, and you crushed her when you yelled at her.”

Apparently she was hurt in the accident as well, bruising on her side. I didn’t know she was hurt, had I known I would have made sure she went in to the hospital to get checked out. I wrote her a long letter apologizing for telling the way I did (again), but expressing why I was driven to that point and hoping that we could talk and resolve this when she’s ready. I told her I still love her, and always will, but I hope she makes healthier choices in the future. She never responded to my letter, it’s been over a month now.

I remember what it was like to party with a death wish. I was there at her age.

I remember what it felt like to want to chase oblivion, because the pain inside was catching up to you and you had to keep running or it would devour you whole.

I feel so heartbroken about the whole thing. The dissolution of my relationship with her, my anger toward myself at not having control of my rage, my fear for Yury that his leg will never heal right and he may not ever be able to hike or do any of the outdoorsy things he likes to do again…

To return to my therapist, it felt like she was taking my cousins side (just like my grandmother which also devastated me, as my grandmother has been my favorite person since I was a baby), and that I was crazy for being angry and upset that she almost killed my boyfriend.

People can’t always control how they respond to trauma in the moment that it occurs, but we can control how we respond after. My therapist continued to imply that I yell at people the way Yury yells at me sometimes. Not true. I yell because that was modeled to me by my parents, and I attract partners who model this dynamic to me and I live it out unconsciously. I told my therapist that in the moment, I felt like I had no control over my panic and anger. She replied very condescendingly: “how scary that must be for you. That you can’t control it.”

She also insinuated that I shouldn’t be a mother. I know therapists are supposed to challenge you, but they are not supposed to leave you feeling suicidal after a session with them. I felt personally attacked, none of it felt constructive.

Truthfully, things have been feeling off for the last year or so with my therapist. She dropped hints about “making our sessions more infrequent” and talking about ending our sessions when my healthcare runs out. This was the final nail in the coffin that showed me she doesn’t have any respect for me as a person, and honestly doesn’t want to be working with me anymore.

That’s fine, it’s time to move on. She wasn’t a great therapist anyway, I just used the service because it was what my insurance would cover. It stopped being beneficial to me years ago. She did help—I think—or at least it helped to have someone to bitch to once a week.

I had a therapist before her… that I really loved. In 2016 I started seeking therapy because my whole works fell apart during my Saturn return. I lost my home, my job of 7 years, my long term boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry… I lost my best friend. Then a mass exodus of friends taking her side and leaving me too. It was one of the darkest times in my life. I was starving, unable to afford food.. it was a nightmare. My therapist at the time was really amazing , and in the short time we worked together I made more progress with her than anyone else I had seen.

She was spiritual, used to do tarot with me, as well as reiki healing etc. she helped me see myself and the world in a whole different light. It was a Shane we had to part ways because my insurance wouldn’t cover her, and I couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. I was going hungry so I could see her. I wish I could find that therapist again.. she told me once: “You have been through an abnormal amount of trauma for someone your age, and it’s impressive how resilient you are. Most people with backgrounds like yours, end up on the streets using heavy drugs.”

I’ve been rambling for hours… but I guess I just needed to get this all out. Since all these recent events unfolded, I have been working really hard at taking deep breaths and monitoring my stress levels.

Also I recognize how much I complain, and I think a little gratitude practice would be good for me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have work, both my jobs are pretty kush in spite of the crazy hours, I have my health, thankfully my health issues subsided in 2021. I have a home, in a city and a neighborhood that I love. I did a lot of traveling in the last 2 years, I have my family with me, I have good friends. I have creative opportunities coming my way. Yury is still alive, I could have lost him. Thankfully he will heal eventually, and things will go back to the way they were. I have self awareness, which means I can change, and I have love in my life. Lots of it. I need to remember that, when things get tough.

[j-exclamationmark-l]

Finally in America.

My mom is dying, hardly wakes up due to morphine.

My partner is in Japan. It's been a nightmare trying to bring him over here. I am so worried about being around my dad. I don't have money for a hotel room and am staying with him. He put me through so much emotional abuse when I was younger. I am still taking medicine to deal with the trauma. I tried five years of therapy but all my therapists could say was, "Why on earth did your dad do that?" And no one could help me because they couldn't get over how bizarre he is. I've even been asked what I did to deserve it. I need my partner here with me for support...

My brother called me Tuesday morning last week (October 8) to tell me my mom's condition deteriorated. He said wait before I make a move, he wanted to confirm with the doctors before I flew over and put my job in jeopardy.

Wednesday, October 9, my brother said please come. My partner and I both tried the US embassy's website, on his computer, on my computer, on my ipad and phone, on his phone, but the website kept kicking us out every time we tried to fill out a field.

Thursday, October 10, he finally was able to access the website and they told him to wait 24 hours while they put his information in the system before he could even have the option of trying to apply for a visa.

Friday, October 11, he was finally able to ask for an interview. They made him confirm several times that he has to pay $300 to even schedule an interview and that this money is non refundable. After he confirmed he understood, we found out the earliest available slot was January 2025. My mom doesn't have that long. We called and pleaded with the embassy and they said we could mark it an emergency and that they'd get back to us within three business days. That meant they would not touch his paperwork over the weekend.

I decided to fly out without him and wait for him here. My work said they'll have to let me go because real people devoted to the company shouldn't care about their mothers dying.

Monday, October 14, was a holiday and no one was willing to deal with my partner.

Tuesday, October 15, he was told he was approved to have an interview the next day, October 16. Then they actually told him to stop calling because if he annoyed them, they'd put his paperwork back further out of spite.

Wednesday, October 16 (time difference and all), he finally had his interview. He brought all the medical documents talking about my mom's condition. He said the interviewer listened to him and then denied his visa because she said, and I'm paraphrasing what he told me, she thought there was a possibility I'd want to stay here, and he wouldn't want to leave me and he'd become an illegal alien. She also encouraged him to apply again, even today, and said "There's a chance you'll get interviewed by someone other than me and they'll feel more sympathetic toward you and give you a visa." I'm so mad that they're basically admitting the ruling was arbitrary and they're telling him go back and spend $300 to try again, don't give up.

I'm so angry and upset and don't know what to do. I feel so alone and isolated during a time I need someone with me more than ever. I mentioned the other day to my dad I was expecting my partner to fly in any day now. My dad scoffed and said there was no way they'd let my partner in. I'm furious thinking he's right.

I don't know what to do. I sent an email to the embassy pleading my partner's case from my end and mentioning things like why I need my partner here to support me and how my dad has been blaming my brother and me for being such bad children that our mother made the conscious decision to get sick because she hates us. He's making our distress worse and having someone supportive like my partner around would make things easier. My partner also wants to meet her before she passes. I don't have ties here besides my mom and brother and want to go back to Japan as soon as possible.

I don't know what else to do. I don't even know if they'll read it, or if I was too emotional. If anyone has any advice...

I feel so lost and alone.

[not-that-complicated]

Loving an addict is hard. And I knew this because I'm not a stranger to seeing what it does. My most rational side is very aware because I have an education to be an Addictions Counselor and so I know so many facts and the harsh realities. I know the best way to advise families and loved ones in order to maintain their own boundaries and still be a support system for their own addicts. Yet here I am, helpless. And I am terrified. I keep telling myself that I can only do so much and while I know this to be true....I know that if he would let me I could do more. But you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves and you cannot force someone into recovery. If I love him, I meet him where he is at, but I do not enable him. But God it hurts so much.

When I left to come back to my family with him promising to come shortly after, he wasn't this bad. He was working hard on getting clean and thankful for my encouragement. I didn't want to push or say much because I knew it was so fragile. He had one slip up and he was a mess, so sick and it knocked him on his ass for a couple days. This is where my deepest fears I am only admitting now worried. But I told myself it would be ok. And then I saw him this past weekend and I wasn't seeing my Riley, I was seeing the Addict. His eyes were sunker and dark ringed he was.so moody, still this is my person and I'd do anything to bring him out of the darkness. Yesterday he hurt me more than I think I've ever been hurt. No, he didn't lay a hand on me...it is sad I can say with the utmost certainty that even in active addiction Riley would not be violent even when he is fuming, he is all talk and wants to break things but when I stay calm and direct he will too.....yet any other person in my life has hit me and I always had the fear. I almost wish Riley would have because I'd understand and tolerate it better. He broke my trust and I really don't know how to respond. I know I always feel so strongly but I don't often trust so completely. I never wanted to because Riley is the type of guy you just know is trouble. But how do you hate a guy who is honest about being a man whore and so kind? I tried to avoid him when he found me again because the first time he was off limits....this time I already hated Tyler. But he was persistent and I was so drawn to him. And something made me trust him, completely. At a time where I have felt so fractured, I keep different pieces from each person in my life so no one gets the full picture. I never share the full story, and I hide things, even from my family because I just don't trust anymore. For some reason I let him in, and even now when I want to regret it and I hurt over his betrayal, I can't and I don't regret it. Because for some time now I've felt half alive and transparent in life. Riley has made me feel more visible, heard and alive than I remember being for a long time. He also makes me feel safe. Now I am conflicted.

Riley knowingly lied to me. He has slipped back into addiction. He is shoving me away and while I know I need to step back I am so scared. I'm scared he is going to die. One of these days someone is going to call me to tell me Riley died of OD. And while I am so red hot mad at him and really need my space because I don't know how to feel right now, I am not ready to not have him in my life. Part of me knows he is allowing himself to wallow in the addiction and staying around people like him because it is the easy way out. But I can't change that. The other part of me knows that my words cut through to my Riley and it hurt him. It might not be enough and I need to accept that. Loving an addict is harder than I ever thought it would be. He asked me to try and earn my trust back, but that damn boy still has my heart. He says he doesn't want to bring me down with him but I am in purgatory here worrying.

[annonniiiiieeeee]

I’m absolutely in love with A Samurai and Ninja Love Story! I don’t know how many times I’ve re-read A World of Samurais and Ninjas, and I keep a tab open on my phone browser for Two Worlds of Family, Friends, and Foes so that way when it updates, I know!

I did have a headcanon I wanted to share with you regarding when Usagi, Gen, and Kitsune get over to Leo’s world and wasn’t sure if it was already something posted or not so forgive me if it was but sometime after they arrive they need to get their vaccinations because that’s important since the trio’s world is similar to feudal Japan and so wouldn’t have the same modern medicine Leo’s world has.

But that means bloodwork needing to be done and vaccine shots needing to be given out.

Hello!!! Thank you so much! I am so glad you love my story so much!!!!

Not going to lie I have had this thought myself for a while. Yes! They will need to get their vaccines. There are a lot of them and that means a lot of needles.

They have nothing like this in their world. On one hand this sounds amazing. One little piece of medicine can spare you from contracting horrific diseases. Sign them up.

However they also don’t have needles in their world either and being poked a lot is not fun for anyone especially having to be poked over and over again.

Their immune systems are totally different then Leo’s and his family because the disease in their world are very different.

I think they would have to do them in sets with time in between. You don’t want to over work the body and they have a lot of different shots they need to get.

Gen hates them. They were all excited at the idea of not getting super sick. Then they got the first round of shots. Gen found out he does not like needles. He tries to talk his way out of it every time. But Leo is insistent. He does barter with food sometimes to make it less of a hassle. If they get through the shots with minimal complaint Gen gets to pick dinner. He’s fine with this as long as Mikey’s cooking. (Gen loves food and Mikey loves to cook)

Kitsune grins and bares it for the most part. She doesn’t like it, but she’s seen what illness can do and would rather deal with a little poke then have to suffer later. She is a drama queen about it though more for fun then anything else and to see if she can get Gen to go along with her.

Usagi hates needles. He found this out very fast and would rather have them as far away from him as possible. He knows it is important both for his own health and to Leo so he puts on a brave face. He will ONLY take shots from Leo. If Draxum or Donnie tries he is out of there. (Maybe there is a scene in a Jupiter Jim movie where he gets injected with something he shouldn’t be. Maybe by a mad scientist. And ever since they watched that movie Usagi is even more wary of needles, specifically needles wielded by the mad scientist of the family) if Casey jr. tries to help he will accept it but only if Leo is with in reach. He definitely wants cuddles after each time he has to get shots and Leo would never deny him.

This leads though to the rest of the Tenshu and their kids.

After they adopt Sakura and Ume there is an illness that sweeps through the Tenshu. No one there is vaccinated. Babies aren’t vaccinated until they are 6 months old. Up until then they are protected by mom’s vaccines. But the twin’s mother was not vaccinated. They get sick. Really sick. This is what cause Leo and Usagi to leave early to take care of the twins.

Up until then I think Leo would have been helping out in the infirmary as he is vaccinated. He helped as much as he could.

I think once the twins are better they would go back to the Tenshu with vaccines for the people living there.

This only makes the rumors of the Geishu clan being blessed by the gods so much worse because now the Tenshu rarely falls victim to wide spread illnesses. Yes they have colds and mild flus but nothing like the other castles and villages around them.

[arcplaysgames]

ZETTAI

UNMEI

MOKUSHIROKU

also like for real this should be playing for this climb, its the BEST VERSION of ZUM, fucking fight me

I am gonna learn to mod this game just to put this in there.

Hello, I love this man, he is now my second favorite villain in any video game, we made it, we are there. I love this horrible soft-voice motherfucker.

yes i love the understanding between Reverie and Maruki

LIKE! THIS ENTIRE CAMPAIGN. ALL OF IT. Should recontextualize the entirety of the game for returning players.

I still VIVIDLY remember when Morgana was explaining the mechanics of stealing treasures and shit with Kamoshida and I was like "I... am unsure I am comfortable with this?" And like the game knew I would be, ten minutes later The Shiho Thing Happened to basically force me as the player to justify the action.

And it's been an ethical rollercoaster since then and I am certain you are all sick of me bitching about it, i'm SURE.

But I feel like Royal, this bonus campaign, is forcing the question on you. What is your line? What level of collateral destruction and pain does it take for you to decide it's okay to take someone's mind and change it?

Because that's what the Thieves have been doing this whole time! Call it distorted desires or hearts or whatever you want, but also remember that Reverie sat across from Sae and changed her without touching her Treasure.

And think about Maruki and good intentions. He is right that if you stop looking at the small pictures and look at the Big Picture of the world, everyone is suffering under oppressive systems.

He is literally the Thieves, he just got a key to the world's heart. What have the Thieves been doing but imposing their own ethics/morals/cognition over top of other people's?

I already have an idea about how in a perfect world I would have restructured Persona 5 as a whole to make it a masterpiece, someone remember to ask me later.

maruki honey i'm trying to make a pitch for how you're the best villain of all time, what are you-- you know what, it's fine. I have seen worse and it suits you.

(Also, I have looked up Happy Science since we started and WOW THAT'S A REFRANCE HUH. The main scenario person for Royal fucking hates this cult huh. Good for them!)

/turns off "Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku"

/turns on "Red Signal"

Y'ai 'ng'ngah yog-sothotoh h'ee-l'geb f'ai throdog uaaaah

Interesting that Maruki's Persona is an outer god who is lulled by the madness around him. It doesn't tend to, like, give a shit. So if it's a facet of Maruki, does that mean he really does intend to work his eldritch magic to "fix" the work and then walk away, standing separate, not participating in the world he's made?

That's supported by the way he left Rumi to her happy like and the way he leaves the Thieves in the bad end, actually. That's interesting.

oh. oh okay.

oh this fight is gonna suck huh.

This is the first fight in a While that I have had trouble with, and it only just entered phase two. So. Okay this may be a bit.

but also lemme say: my HOURS OF WORK in making Athena into a fucking MONSTER of a persona has paid HUGE dividends. fuck Izanagi, I have level 92 Athena and she is going to spike a spear to the core of the world.

[quotesfrommyreading]

The COVID was the easiest part. I was practically asymptomatic. I walked the dog, drove four hours in the car, hiked the beach, canoed. This was in late June. The doctors in my life should have understood that this spooky absence of symptoms was an ominous sign—my immune-compromised self wasn’t putting up a fight when it should have. Instead, they all brushed off my concerns when I rang. To a person, they steered me away from Paxlovid.

Remember that crazy national moment when doctors were being weird about Paxlovid? And were really down on it? I got COVID in that brief window.

I cannot tell you how often I go back to that moment and take Paxlovid. It’s the world’s most unproductive form of magical thinking, trying to undetonate this bomb. And yet I do.

Anyway, around day 10, things went south. I was suddenly dizzy every moment of the day. The world looked like The Blair Witch Project, always bouncing. It bounced when I chewed. Then came the tinnitus, the ear fullness. Ménière’s disease seemed likely.

Google Ménière’s disease. It’s very challenging. I have nothing but compassion for those who have it.

Many elaborate tests later, I turned out not to have it.

The nature of my dizziness changed, feeling more like a gyroscope was spinning in my head, or like I was being pulled slantwise by magnetic raindrops, every damn second. Then came the whale of all symptoms: My head started to vibrate, painfully, every time I walked or talked.

People have asked me a lot about this. I really don’t know how else to explain it. I mean, imagine a tuning fork inside your brain. Every time I take a step, I feel it in my skull. Ditto when I speak. My latest combo of meds blunts most of the pain that comes with it. But the vibrating remains, and it’s driving me mad. I’m waiting on my insurance company to approve Botox injections to my skull. (Oh, the irony of being a 53-year-old woman praying for Botox in a place where it will have no visible aesthetic benefit.)

Then my standing heart rate got too fast. (Now it’s fine.) Then my blood pressure spiked when I stood, plus other forms of autonomic dysregulation. My eyeballs spin freely in their sockets for the first 20 minutes of each morning, for instance. Then my chest started to ache. Maybe from the blood-pressure spikes, maybe something else. And I’m short of breath now when I walk, as I said.

You see the problem, right? My aching chest, my breathlessness—it all means more doctors. And I am really, really sick of doctors. Most of them know nothing, and if they can’t help you, they have little time for you. Many of them dramatically underestimate quality of life as an issue.

The shape-shifting nature of long-COVID symptoms also makes our medical system ill-suited to deal with long COVID. (Actually, it’s ill-suited for a thousand reasons. But this is one.) Telling your long-COVID story in 15 minutes, which is what most doctors have for you, is not possible. You develop shorthand. You resort to metaphors. Both are problems. One doctor asked if I thought there was an actual gyroscope in my head, for instance. “Uh, this is a vestibular problem I’m describing,” I said, “not a psychiatric one.” Asshole.

The worst part? Because no one understands what causes long COVID, even the best doctors can only treat your symptoms separately. My blood pressure gets two medications. My vibrating head gets a third. My vestibular symptoms get a fourth. My pain gets a fifth. Inflammation gets a sixth. The microclots I may or may not have, which may or may not cause long COVID, require three different supplements, which may or may not work.

This said, the long-COVID team at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital at least thinks holistically, even if they don’t know what lurks at the heart of my problems. I feel lucky to be under their care (plus two dogged and creative immunologists at Columbia Presbyterian). I cannot imagine what it’s like for the millions of Americans who don’t have access to the minds and resources I do.

  —  What Not to Ask Me About My Long COVID

[thechembow]

Days of Transmutation Finally Result in Rain

Dec. 18, 2023

We had rain starting this morning and the forecast calls for day after day of rain in California this week. The system is moving east and everyone in the entire US will be getting rain.

There was a DOR pushback today, but it still rained off and on throughout the day. It was my birthday today so it made sense that there would be a lot of parasitic energy to make my day unpleasant.

Today I was attacked viciously by someone whose work I have admired and referred people to many times. Although we've been doing this since 2014 and have gifted around 9000 TBs, we were accused of being new and ignorant and not qualified to teach others about gifting. What really happened was that this other gifter's parasites didn't like us talking bad about his smart phone, which he is addicted to and which the parasites use to control his mind. I know it was his parasites that lashed out at me, not him, since he isn't himself anymore. Smart phone users have no control over their own minds, but how can I convince anyone to stop using it when it's controlling their mind and telling them they need to use it (or rather be used by it)? I have given up on trying to help people in this way, including this angry old guy who should be thankful for our work as we are for his (and willing to hear new information, like that it was his cell phone causing his gifting problems).

The old guard is all deceased or assimilated now. The original orgonite gifting movement never acknowledged the mind control of the smart phone and that using DORizing technology while gifting was death to the orgonite gifter. They never understood that they were being tracked and attacked etherically and they have defended their smart phones to the end. They also hated new discoveries in orgonomy. Actually, they hated the science of orgonomy and were very anti-science in general, attributing orgone related phenomena in the atmosphere to mystical nonsense. It's sad because it made orgonite gifting sound stupid. On the other hand, the Wilhelm Reich Trust hates orgonite and also seeks to suppress new discoveries in orgonomy! I'm sure this has a lot to do with the orgonite gifting movement's unscientific terms which were not part of Reich's discourse and idiotic references to air spirits, which Wilhelm Reich himself would also have hated. So everyone is against progress and too full of themselves to experience and share the life force energy.

After making myself sick gifting for two weeks for the Denver expedition, it's a little insulting to be talked down to by a parasitically infected former planetary healer. I am getting this out of my system here on Tumblr because this person won't read my writing, so this won't create an argument. Unlike the old guard, I think orgonite gifting is for everyone. Unlike the old guard, I'm not going to be goaded into online fights, because I have a life which is dedicated to planetary healing, not ego-driven public arguments. All those I have admired are gone. Thank goodness for new orgonite gifters. I hope I have helped you somewhat and that you have a better understanding of the true battle between OR and DOR, good and evil, and how to stay above the parasitic madness.

[idontwanttowhy]

Review: Destined With You (2023)

An instant classic...for some

Synopsis: Being a civil servant is not the easiest job, and for Lee Hong Jo, its only made worse by being transferred to a team that can't stand her. Her first assignment on this team is to demolish a centuries old shrine, which is held on the private property of Jang Sin Yu, a sharp lawyer haunted by a curse as old as the shrine. Her efforts surface a spell book with a mysterious past that only she can use. In need of a miracle, Sin Yu makes a deal with Hong Jo to use one of the spells on him, in a move that ultimately sets their fates in motion. Can love bloom in cursed soil, or will they be cut red-handed?

MZ Overall: 9/10, you had me at "I am Groot"

... aaaand absolutely not before "I am Groot." Seriously, I almost gave up on it early, thank god I didn't. When I saw the love triangle blooming I stuck around and am glad I did. If you are looking for a romcom that hits all the hallmarks (past lives, love triangle, jealous ex, etc.) you are in the right place. The leads have great chemistry, though it does feel like they are sometimes off in their own little worlds. Rowoon (as Jang Sin Yu) is great at playing a love-sick character, and Jo Bo Ah (as Lee Hong Jo) is the perfect ingénue AND doomed shaman--talk about range. Definitely give it a watch, this is easily one of my top favorites of the year (right behind Love to Hate You, of course).

MZ Review: Parks and Recreation, but make it a supernatural kdrama rom-com (no spoilers)

no one:

absolutely no one:

Jang Sin Yu: ThAtS A cRiMe!!!

Ok, I got that out of my system. This was my second Rowoon drama and now Netflix thinks he's the only guy I want to see on my screen. I'm not mad at that, but I do think if his role in this and Extraordinary You (2019) are any indication, I may need a little bit more time before I can handle the brand of lovesick desperation that he brings. Not a bad thing, but much like candy you can have too much of a good thing. I will be looking out for his stairs scenes going forward, in much the same way I have cataloged Hyun Bin's elevator scenes. (It's an art people!)

This show strikes a near-perfect balance between time spent on the side characters, developing the main couple, fanning the flames with the love rivals, and hinting at the past lives of this group. Seriously well done, I did not have any complaints in this area. Really my only gripes would be the first few episodes, which really tested my resolve on supporting womens' wrongs. If it were not for the next episode previews at the end, I would not have made it past episode three. After that, it's smooth sailing with lots of laughs, drama, and suspense as the many mysteries of the show unfold. Those first eps are why this only gets a 9/10 for me though. Otherwise, A+ work!

As I sat down to write this review, it occurred to me that the setup for the show was kind of similar to Parks and Rec, if you're mainly looking at the fact that the context for the show is a municipal parks department, leading to lots of outdoor events and internal politicking. It also works in the comedy department, because both shows had me absolutely ROLLING with laughter at the absurdity of some of the stuff going on. I cannot recommend this drama enough!

AC Overall: 7/10, could've been great but

It took me sooo long to finish the show, even on 1.5x speed (thank you, Netflix). And I was so excited at first! Like MZ, I thought the first few eps were...off, but once the show fully planted its feet I fell for the silliness, especially the supernatural love-spell aspect of the drama, and the stupidity with which those entranced acted "because of it". But the show ultimately became unbalanced, and the fantasy charm faded to reveal...a few thriller episodes within a cute and silly rom-com. It's not bad, just...took a turn I wasn't looking for at the time.

Honestly, its fine if you don't take it too seriously, and don't barf at cute moments like I currently do. Solid, just know what you're getting in to. It's definitely a cutesy rom-com with a dash of thriller and pinch of fantasy.

AC Review (with miiiinor spoilers):

It wasn't all bad! I cheeeesed at Sin Yu inadvertently confessing his "love" for Hong Jo against both of their wishes, and was curious about how Hong Jo's crush on her second lead Jae Gyeong would play out considering. It was a pretty unusual and juicy love triangle at first, especially with the fantasy aspect of Sin Yu's feelings...and possibly Jae Gyeong's...but somewhere they decided to ignore the whole love-spell part of the drama and Sin Yu just--accepted his love for Hong Jo? And Jae Gyeong barely put up a fight. And and I wasn't convinced Hong Jo actually had feelings for Sin Yu, I feel like he just wore her down with pretty words and concern. And and and I just kept thinking of Legend of the Blue Sea the whole time--much better fated love fantasy drama. But alas, I got too far along to just stop.

Hong Jo's character annoyed me quite a bit. She had a way of acting shy most of the time, but would suddenly talk with her chest at other moments...it's personal, but I really dislike the demure act when it's clear it's not real. But, Rowoon as Sin Yu made up for it in the beginning. The character was played and written well; we could feel the (delicious) inner turmoil when he recognized his feelings.

Overall, this was a drama-that-couldn't for me. But I must admit, the early, fun moments of Sin Yu fighting his inexplicable love for Hong Jo were classic in itself.

[iamalakethisisfinal]

Hi. There are a Lotta scary things happening right now, aren't there?

I mean, from the still ongoing war in Ukraine, to anti-trans bills being passed left and right, to bans on books that teach kids about things like LGBTQ+ people to disabled people to probably even black and indigenous people, to just the also still ongoing coronavirus that people that are just refusing to take seriously anymore, to the willow project being passed, to Roe V. Wade being overturned, to everything else in between, I think it's safe to say that we have all had a fucking rough past couple years. Rough in the sense of "Got fucked by chainsaw with no protection on while trying to fight a fucking bear" if that makes any damn sense. And I know a lot of us are feeling hopeless right about now. I get it, I am too, we are in a very hopeless situation where it feels like nothing we do will change anything anymore, but please do remember that if give up, we let those who want to hurt our kids, our futures, win. And I for one refuse to sit back and watch as the life I was promised is stolen by greedy savage men who know nothing of me, and who never will, because they don't care. Now, I know this sounds like a kid who's mad at the goddamn world and who's gonna rant and ramble and rave about it till the light dies inside and they become a part of the machine that broke them. And it kinda is, to a certain existent, cause I am mad, and I do wanna go strangle some pasty fucking white bitches who are harming children as we speak, but I can't do it single-handedly, no one can. So this is also a call to all those like me, those who are being fucked over by the work of these pasty white boys and are growing sick in tired of it: Find people like yourself, build systems of support, help each other out, organize and protest, fight back against those who gain millions by killing us, remind them that you are going to die that you will not die quietly, and if worst comes to worst, help each other flea and make sure everyone is safe in some way. It may seem scary now, but that is because we all going through this heartbreak for what we have lost alone. If we stand together and fight together, I promise you it will not seem as scary. Oh and remember!: THE GOVERNMENT ONLY CONTINUES TO RULE WITH THE CONSENT OF US, THE GOVERNED. IF WE DECIDE THAT WE NO LONGER CONSENT, IT IS WITHIN OUR FULL RIGHT TO RIOT, AND OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT THAT SERVES NO ONE BUT ITSELF.

[vampryn]

im startin’ to get reaaaal stressed out here... so ive been at the same job for the last 6 years. over these 6 years ive NEVER been able to support myself with just this one job alone, so ive had to go off and on having a second part-time job so i can afford to pay to survive.. anyway, over the last few months ive been getting enough hours to survive with one job, but now that we’re off holiday season im mad strapped for cash.. (im not asking for money lmao dw). im starting to really dislike my job. the staff i have are currently insanely irresponsible, and are doing a lot of shady things that i REALLY dont want to be involved in.. plus, they’ve formed a clique and they feel like the girls who would pick on me in high school.. i’ve made the decision to pay for the ontario license to be able to work at a dispensary.. the course is honestly terrible. its so boring, and while it started off super comprehensive and digestible, it’s slowly turned into a WalMart training video where its 2 full hours of them repeating the same 5 talking points.. im not kidding, they went over refusing service for TWO HOURS.. worked on the course for 4.5 hours total yesterday and im somehow only halfway done.. im pretty sure they make you do all of this as a secondary vetting system.. you know.. so the lazy people give up, and the people left have proven themselves.. can i also just say that most places pay you for your time while youre training.. whereas with this bullshit i had to pay $70, and assumably 8+ hours of my life.. amidst all of this, my coworkers all decided that when each of them got sick, none of them would call out or wear a mask, so everybody has been slowly dropping from getting the same sickness... sure enough, a few days ago i started to feel a bit icky.. and now that im in the peak of looking for an apartment AND a job, im in the peak of the sickness.. (wah-ah-ah-awwhh) through all of this, tomorrow was meant to be the valentines day all-ages event that ive been waiting for (im)patiently, and now because im sick im not sure i’ll be able to go.. which is additionally stressful because that means im losing the money i paid for the fucking tickets with.. PLUS i havent been out in over a month, and am missing the sense of community i get from going to the events with all of the spookies in the city :’(  right now im trying not to freak out because theres so much going on, and so much unknown around the corner, but its hard not to when i feel like im halfway through so many things.. plus since im sick, i just want to lay in bed and have my boyfriend rub my back while watching matilda on vhs :(  fortunately, when life gets hectic like this, it usually means that soon i’ll figure everything out, and my life will be balanced again//settle down. at this point i am kind of missing when my life felt boring though.. i want to travel or maybe even just launch myself to the moon where i can live on moon-cheese and hang out with the robot from wallace and gromit 

[thornsent]

I’m just mad and cannot stop being that way tonight

I’m mad and frustrated about a lot of things and my outlets don’t help and nobody even knows what to tell me anymore. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. I’ll just be here, making art I guess because it’s all I can do

I don’t want a wide range of attention but I want some sort of real, genuine recognition and understanding

I’m frustrated and I feel crazy. I miss someone who disappeared months ago, now. At the end of the month I’m going somewhere and I know I’ll be looking for them in the back of my mind the entire weekend. And I’m mad at myself for getting attached or thinking any of it even mattered, and I’m mad at them because why would you make me think any of it mattered if you were going to just disappear, and I’m just. Beside myself. When I’m really, really alone it always comes back to the surface. It’s futile. No amount of messages or calls or prayers will do anything to make them come back, either they will or won’t, and lets be honest with ourselves, they won’t.  Everything felt real with them and now nothing does anymore. Again. I’m tired of my options being get jerked around on a chain [until your master leaves], settle for someone you find uninteresting and unappealing but who is also harmless, be alone, or be in love with an absence.

I literally cannot handle it anymore and I don’t want to be this way, I don’t want to think this way, I just wish I were normal. I wish people would listen to me when I say things and not try and say “oh that’s not true” because it doesn’t make me feel better, it feels like you are trying to manipulate me or extort me or just fucking hurt me in some way. Trying to console me “oh you’re not that strange oh there are lots of people out there who want to be with your or be your friend”   like okay yeah there ARE lots. there are tons and tons of people who see me and think I’m pretty and want to fuck me. great, fantastic. I’m so glad it’s easy to get laid. maybe finally someone will kill me on an ill-advised hookup and then I won’t have to feel like this anymore. I fucking wish. instead I just get people too pussy to even choke me because I’m so pretty and so small and so sweet and then I feel bad and disgusting about myself but at least I made someone else feel good right. right. everyone in my life, every authority figure in my life, just groomed me into servitude.

And it never used to be this bad but I really just have been through too much at this point & I wish I remembered nothing or that it didn’t fucking happen this way because none of it is my fault and that I lack agency even in my own decline is enough to make me sick!!! I made the right choices and did everything I could but it doesn’t matter. it never does. it’s maddening too because people just try to fucking cognitive behavioral therapy me out of this but that doesn’t work and frankly just makes me want to hurt you!!!!! it isn’t distorted thinking when it is literally my life’s history. it isn’t a cognitive distortion when it literally happened and does keep happening.

and nobody wants to talk about it or hear me talk about it anymore and I get it but what am I supposed to do. I’m trying. I’m writing and drawing and making music and trying to distract myself and going on walks and trying to do wellness shit but it doesn’t ever matter because I am only an individual and my problems are in no small part systemic. so what am I supposed to do!!!

[the-prophesied-disco-gay]

Some jobs I've worked, with my favorite parts and why I can no longer do them:

Legal Assistant:

✅️ I will sort and file and organize with such focused joy that I must be reminded by an outside source to take breaks and eat and go home at the end of the day. There were case files piled everywhere, including the floor, when I started. By week 2 everything was organized and put away. By week 5 it was all databased in the computer system too. Give me something to organize and leave me alone and I will create order like it's my religion.

✅️ I loved the flexibility and variety. Sometimes I was taking documents to the courthouse to be filed and could grab lunch at one of the little places downtown. I got to try a lot I never otherwise would have. Sometimes there was a meeting and I got to play host and make my bosses look good while having a marvelous time. I'm very good at picking up on small things and using them to great advantage, like catching a note in one case file that the client had rescheduled a deposition because of a Celiac flare up, so when they came in I made sure gluten free cookies and cupcakes had been added to the bakery order. They were shocked and thrilled to have options for them available and commented on it not only to the attorneys, but also to their friends and family. I was so happy I'd been able to make them happy. My boss responded by getting me a gift certificate to a medical massage place. My spinal problems had prevented me ever getting a massage before and he knew that, so he told me to take a day to treat myself. Not only did they appreciate that sort of consideration, they practiced it.

✅️ this one is a twofer: the paralegal working there when I started was doing some things she ought not have. Things like messing with people's food if she was mad at them or "losing" stuff out of case files if the attorney had pissed her off, despite many of these cases being life or death and the clients not being at fault at all for whatever slight she had imagined. I told on her. I caught her adding pomegranate juice to the brownie batter for the brownies being made for an office party, knowing full well the junior associate was dangerously allergic to pomegranate, because she had been reprimanded for neglecting filing deadlines on one of his cases. He didn't even do the reprimanding. Even if he had, I wasn't gonna watch him potentially die over it. Fucks sake! I warned him about the brownies and when questioned she said she "didn't believe in allergies and maybe he would learn not to mess with her." She was fired on the spot. And so I got to learn how to be a paralegal! They taught me so much, and I got to try everything that didn't legally require a degree or licensing. I got to see that they actually care about the well-being of their employees, don't tolerate ableism, and are willing to teach emoloyees and help them expand their skills and knowledge.

So why am I not still there? I would be. Even as disabled as I am, I would be. But I left for college and years later when I looked into going back into that line of work, the practice had closed with the retirement of the main 2 attorneys and job listings for everyone in the industry:

❌️ must be able to lift 50lbs?? What? Apparently "sometimes the legal assistant has to refill the printer, and what if you can't lift a box of printer paper?" I dunno, maybe store the boxes at waist level or lower so individual packs can be gotten?!? But no, this shit is literally just there to screen out disabled applicants

❌️ must own a vehicle to be able to transport files to the courts and other attorneys and the post office, as needed. Understandable, our public transport sucks. No stipend for gas or vehicle maintenance or wear and tear. ....Excuse me?

❌️ 3 sick days per year and other time off must be requested 3 months in advance. Y'all seriously cannot accomodate a legal assistant giving "only" 2 weeks warning for taking a half day for an MRI? You're so disorganized and understaffed that you can't work around 4 hours with 2 weeks notice for an employee that doesn't even appear in court? Really? No, it's more ableism.

Pre-K Teacher:

✅️ curriculum. Oh my gods curriculum my love. I've never loved any part of any job more, ever. They would say "okay next month's unit is The Savanah (or the rainforest, or space, or black history, or poetry, or or or) and I would get to plan a whole month around the theme. Art projects that would provide opportunities to teach out both the topic and art techniques. Sight word lists based around the theme. Relevant books for story time. Songs and little plays. Adding stuff to the science and reading and art and sensory stations. Incorporating learning into play and allowing exploratory play to encourage organic learning. It was so much fun and I took pictures of the room at the end of every unit, with all their decorations and projects.

✅️ I got to change kids lives. The monthly units I described above? Oh better believe I used those to help raise these kids too.

"What did we learn about lions? Who does the hunting?"

"GIRLS!"

"That's right! And how about elephants, who are the leaders?"

"GIRLS!"

"Yes! What about birds? Who's prettier?"

"BOYS!"

"They are! Do y'all remember platypuses? Which one has the vennooommm?"

"BOYS!"

"Which seahorse carries the babies?"

"THE DAD!"

"How many genders do bees have?"

"THREE!"

"Y'all are so good at this! So, sometimes girls are strong and fast, sometimes boys are pretty, sometimes girls are the bosses, sometimes boys take care of the babies, and a lot of times gender doesn't matter at all! So it seems kinda silly to make fun of someone for being "girly" or "acting like a yucky boy" doesn't it? That's not very nice and it's silly anyway. So no more of that in this classroom okay? If you see someone doing something and you think about making fun of them, remember the bees and the lions!"

And it works. Reader lemme tell ya, it truly works. I have watched a 4 year old tell a 5 year old "you're black so you should do math like the NASA ladies so you can do space stuff! I'm bad at math but I can help with snacks!" I have watched a little girl struggling with writing sitting with a nonverbal autistic girl, absolutely enthralled with the magic she is being shown as the autistic girl shows her how to make letters with individual shapes. I bought flat shape blocks for one of the activity tables and these girls were making letters out of them. She drew shapes and connected them to make letters the rest of the year. There was so much room for differences with young kids. They were so willing and eager to learn, so open to new ideas and ways of doing things.

❌️ the director was a horrible person. Harpy, shrew, Karen, that sort of woman. Worst boss I've ever had. Treated the staff like garbage and encouraged infighting.

❌️ *constantly* understaffed. Every call-in was an emergency. Staff ratios are legally mandated, so lean staffing practices are especially impactful, but that sure as shit didn't stop management from doing it.

❌️ never enough supplies and every supply request was an interrogation and a battle. I spent hundreds of my own money to make sure units could be completed for these kids

❌️ parents. Oh lawd the parents. Most of them were neutral, dropped their kids off, picked them up, listened to the brief accounting of their day and info they needed to know, left. Some were a delight, helped in the classroom, asked questions and wanted to know more about their kid's day, kept track of who their kid was friends with and what struggles they were having and which subjects they were excited about. But some parents? Some parents were a nightmare. Think a restaurant Karen dialed up to 11. Demanding special treatment for their kids, exceptions to the rules, the whole nine. One woman demanded we punish the kid her child has bitten and punched, for irritating her child enough to "force" them to get violent (by not giving up their snack at snacktime so Precious Perfect Angel Baby could have 2 snacks). These people were unbelievable.

❌️ seven dollars and fifty cents an hour. With kids lives in our hands. These people were charging each and every one of these parents hundreds per week, per child. There were 10 total teachers. Each making $7.50 an hour. They were bringing in tens of thousands per month and paying about 3k per week on the ones keeping it all going and doing all the work, at a rate of about $300 weekly pay each. And then expecting us to pay out pocket for supplies.

Housecleaning:

✅️ got to make things clean *vibrates*

✅️ got to work without interruption

✅️ got to force my OCD to make me money instead of just wrecking my life

✅️ again, things that were not clean became clean because of me. I cannot explain the rush of happy chemicals I get from making something clean. If that emotion could be bottled directly from my brain we could solve world peace.

✅️ got to set my own schedule and work at my own pace and got to keep every red cent of my pay, which I also got to choose by setting my own rates

❌️ every time the economy dips, people stop paying for stuff like housecleaning first. They tighten their belts by cleaning their own home, maintaining their own yard, and cooking their own meals. Without UBI, those industries experience a collapse every time, with severity dependant on severity of the economic downturn. I couldn't survive the lean times of that cycle and had to move on, as many do

If we had true disability protection/accomodations and UBI, not only would I work, I couldn't be stopped from doing so. I live in a disabled household and every single one of us still works and creates and does stuff, despite not working "real" jobs. People will work. People have always worked. We survived just fine for tens of thousands of years before money was even a factor in this equation. We know that. The history is right there. We know humans will survive and thrive without financial motivation. We like teaching and experimenting and making things clean and nice and easier and more fun. We like learning and creating and the satisfaction of a job well done. People love to work. People hate being forced to do anything, including by threat of starvation. Remove the compelling force and see what we can and will do.

The reason people don’t want to work is that it’s just normal for them to be in bad work environments.

My issue with working at Walmart wasn’t the work itself I was doing. It was the circumstances around it. The concrete floor, lack of places to sit, having to put up with asshole customers, not getting time off for injuries, and bad pay.

If I had been given shock pads to stand on or a few chairs to rest on sometimes, if they paid me a livable amount of money and I was allowed to yell back at asshole customers, if they had given me any amount of training, I would happily work part time folding clothes all day and telling people where the swimsuit section is.

I’m a creative type. I’m a writer. I’m pretty smart, even. But if I could make a living folding shirts and listening to podcasts in one ear and helping people find the scented candles for 30 hours a week? I would. Leaves some mental space free for me to brainstorm. Lets me catch up on my reading with audiobooks.

But instead I was treated so badly by upper management and customers that I’m like legitimately a little frightened whenever I step into a Walmart now. And I only worked there for three months a few years ago.

I’m a good lower level worker. When I’m treated well. I like finishing tasks. I like being helpful. I like having some time to talk to coworkers and some time alone with my thoughts. I’m a frickin team player. And that’s how I was at my first job. I was treated well by my supervisor. I was trained. They were patient with me. I was so good at being low on the totem pole at that job because I was valued and felt like I was being listened to. I was able to sit still when there was nothing left to do which made it feel less bad when we were on a time crunch. I didn’t mind working hard at that job because it was fun even though I was doing all the low level stuff that the supervisors didn’t want do.

But at Walmart I was like that for all of two days. Then I figured out that nobody appreciated my work and if I worked in my normal people pleasing manner I’d kill myself because their standards were high and the rewards for meeting them were low.

So I slowed down. I started avoiding customers. I started taking a lot longer to get to my breaks and to come back from them. I became worse at my job because no matter how good I was at it there would be no reward, no appreciation, and I’d just be pushed further beyond my limits.

My only level of happiness from that job came from the people who were working with me. The old ladies and my department manager who made sure I wasn’t overextending myself. The one other young man working in the clothing department who always got sent with me to unload the heavy stuff and commiserated with me about the shoulder injuries, the hurting feet we were too young to have.

But none of that was enough to make me stay. We were constantly understaffed. I was constantly abused by customers and not able to do a thing about it. I was not paid much at all. So as soon as I had enough saved up for what I was trying to do and my last semester of college was about to start I handed in my two weeks.

I would have found a way to stay if I liked that job. If I liked that job I would’ve pushed myself to my mental limits to finish college and keep that job at the same time. Heck that job could’ve been a rest from college. A place to get away from it. But I hate that job so I got out as soon as I could.

I want to work. I want enough money to live sort of comfortably. I want to have some tasks to do to give my creativity a rest. I want to be a part of something. But the way that modern corporate run work environments are set up does not give me any of the things I actually want out of a job. And I think that’s the same for millions of people right now. A lot of people would happily spend their lives as a waitress or an Uber driver or a warehouse worker or a farmhand or any other “low skill” job you can possibly think of. But with the way the world works right now those jobs are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know because I’ve had a fulfilling part time minimum wage job that I looked forward to going to every week. A job where I was listened to and allowed to sit when I needed to. I miss that job. Especially now since I’ve realized that’s not the standard. It should be. People should look forward to going to work or at the very least not get mild ptsd whenever they set foot into a Walmart.

[yentling]

The thing about the couple of “men turn alt-right because feminists are too mean and the alt-right is nice to them” posts that are getting dunked on right now is like even if the alt-right wasn’t just meanspo for policing masculinity whooooo cares like ultimately the way cults work is they pick up on a subject you are anxious about and they offer you a simplistic belief system where you don’t have to go through the uncomfortable experience of thinking critically about that subject.

Ppl who fall down the terf pipeline obviously aren’t incorrect that misogyny exists and it can sometimes be hard to make people take seriously but ultimately people become terfs do not do so bc of misogyny they do so because they are anxious about their relationship to gender and surrounding structures, usually leading to not understanding misogyny at all (“if my relationship to being a woman is related to my sexual organs/doing certain activities/behaving in certain ways/experiencing certain things but this relationship is not in itself definitive of womanhood then what am I and how do I feel empowered”) and joining a hate group saves them from having to confront the daunting task of finding new ways to think about the world (“If not for those trans activists I could connect with other women and not feel lonely”). No amount of being really niceys to cis women is gonna stop them from going down that rabbithole bc the issue is not that ppl are being misogynistic, although they often are, but because would-be TERFs are insecure.

Men have the same process in terms of joining misogynistic cults right like even if we humor this fantasy that women are attacking them in the street and making them feel mad for being men ultimately that is not why they join these groups; it’s a matter of “If my relationship to being a man is related to my sexual organs/doing certain activities/behaving in certain ways/experiencing certain things but none of this is in itself definitive of maleness then what am I and how do I feel empowered. If we can just get rid of these stupid feminists and gender freaks then I can connect with other men and not feel scared and lonely.” It has nothing to do with how they are treated by “the feminists” and everything to do with their sense of insecurity in their gender. Both TERF groups and misogynist groups are full of people who are very scared they will disappear and die alone if they cannot relate to them, and they are too uncreative to think one might relate to people who don’t share the exact same labels or experiences.

Also like of courrrrrse cults welcome you with open arms once you express interest that’s how cults work you idiot. Do you really think cults would be possible if when you said “I’m thinking of joining y’all” they were like “Well we hate you and don’t like you here?” I mean even Scientologists go the “you’re sick” route they validate your all your anxieties and offer themselves up as the solution. Like come onnnn you’ve got to built up a tiny bit of resilience to obvious brainwashing tactics.