#i am TIRED of the same 3 shirts and thinking they symbolise something

[maydaydiaz]

if everyone is getting a wardrobe update except eddie i will have to riot

[tenmillionotters]

Sleepwalking

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Kaneki Ken/Kirishima Touka, Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka

Character:  Kirishima Touka, Kankeki Ken, Sasaki Haise, Marude Itsuki, Washuu-Furuta Souta

Word count: 1694

Chapter: 2/3

Additional information: Human AU, Pregnancy, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers

After not needing therapy in years, Touka returns to the ‘Lighthouse’ to seek help after the loss of the two people who meant the most to her, but the past isn’t something she can easily bury, it’s still alive and breathing, always around.

Read on AO3 or under the cut

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“You didn’t come alone today, did you?”

His features had softened a bit since the last time they saw, he looked so relaxed, it seemed like married life was something he truly enjoyed, there had been a time when she was just like that too, “He wanted to tag along… he’s worried about me, but he couldn’t really tell what I was going to do here.”

“Well, I hope that he is aware that I won’t be able to tell him anything about you, that’s confidential. … but on the topic of Haise, I would like you to tell me more about your relationship,” Dr Marude made a gesture to let Touka know she should speak up, maybe something he picked up on the studies abroad.

“What is there to tell… we live together, he is… friendly to me, but I just can’t bring myself to… open up to him, there is something about him I just can’t stand, it makes me angry it appals me,” did she really feel so disgusted by him? “It’s not because he’s a bad person or anything, no it’s me -”

“Touka,” he sighed and leaned forward, looking into her eyes with a stern but sincere expression, “None of this is your fault. It’s only natural to react like that considering what Haise symbolises to you, it wasn’t an easy transgression… from grieving your husband's death and the miscarriage… to taking care of a total stranger. If you allow me to tell you my honest opinion on the matter…”

“Sure, go ahead…”

“... let him go, this isn’t right for either of you,” the words were so softly spoken, drenched in compassion and worry, he understood her not only because he had to, but because he cared for her.

“But I-”, she knew he was right, without a doubt, of course he knew what he was talking about, but why did it hurt so bad? Just the thought of letting him go? “I can’t live with him but I also can’t let him go - he’s all that’s left of …”

How many hours had already passed with her just crying trying to figure out what to do next, while he was just sitting in his chair, watching her, letting her cry in peace? This place created such a warm and welcoming environment, it wasn’t as warm as a home or as safe… but it radiated this calm sense of compassion, it was okay to cry here, nobody would ever know.

“... thank you…,” Touka vibed over her eyes and glanced at the clock, “... see you next week?”

“I am sure Souta can find a spot for you, … Touka, what I said earlier, the decision is yours but please do what is best for you, not for him. Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself,” Itsuki sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder, “I know you’re strong, but you need to rest too.”

“... thank you…,” there was nothing she could say, she knew he was right, he knew what he was talking about but he also knew how stubborn she was, oh so stubborn.

“Doctor!”, Haise jumped up and dropped the magazine he was reading, the noise came to much displeasure of the receptionist Souta and the cat, his assistant receptionist, who both exchanged questioning and annoyed looks, “I’m sorry - it’s so good to finally meet you! I’m Sasaki Haise, I am Touka’s roommate.” He bowed deeply and then smiled warmly at the man.

“The pleasure’s mine, I’m Marude Itsuki… as you already know Miss Kirishima’s doctor,” it sent a shiver down Touka’s spine to hear him talk like that again, he sounded so formal and distant, well… of course he did, he didn’t know Haise personally.

“Thank you for taking such good care of my Tou- … Miss Kirishima,” he bowed again and then started to search for his car keys blindly, “I-I I’ll be waiting in the c-car Touka.”

They quietly watched him leave before Itsuki turned to Touka, “... so that’s him, huh?” He wouldn’t mention the slip, why should he? It would only do more harm than good anyway.

“Yeah…,” her mouth felt numb, as if her tongue was swollen and heavy, she walked over to Souta and smiled tired, “I need an appointment for next week…” While he was busy checking the calendar she took the time to pat the friendly black cat, “Hey there Kimchi…” The little guy purred pleased and rubbed his head against Touka’s hand.

“Is Wednesday at 7 pm okay?”, a few strains of long black hair feel into his face as he tilted his head waiting for an reply.

“Yes, that’s fine with me,” even though she always set a reminded in her phone, she let Souta press a small piece of paper into the palm of her hand, “Thank you. Sorry for making you wait again. Good night.”

“Good night, Touka-chan!”, Souta waved lightly, but he noticed that his brother-in-law didn’t respond at all, “Itsuki, is everything okay?”

“... what do you think about the two of them, do you think this will end… well?”

“You know, I only wish the best for Touka-chan,” he lowered his gaze and stared at his hands, “But when I am honest I don’t think this whole ordeal will have a happy end. The world doesn’t work like that… sadly. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes they’re just out of touch, no matter how close…”

“Mhm… now, enough of that let’s go home, your brother is waiting for us,” maybe he shouldn’t have asked something like that in first place, the poor kid had enough worries already.

Touka’s steps were light as she ran down the stairs, she didn’t want it to end, she didn’t want to see Haise right now, if she could she would have asked him to leave on his own and then she’d just spent the night somewhere else, maybe at the docks in the harbor, all by herself… but she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t stay away from him for too long.

Haise threw his head back and sighed, why did he say something like that infront of an audience…? His Touka? His? What in the world got into him? Should he apologise for that…? It wasn’t appropriate of him to say something like that especially not considering that he was talking about a widow.

… but most of all, he didn’t have a right to speak of her like that when he was the one who rejected her months ago; could he blame himself for it though? Probably not. He barely knew her and her advances were overwhelming, but telling her that he didn’t even have an idea who she was seemed to have made a switch turn in her mind, she got distant, she apologised to him. Now he missed it, her kindness, her warmth, he was just scared to be a replacement for her dead husband, but Touka wasn’t a person like that… and now there was no way to ever go back, or…?

“Sorry that I made you wait,” Touka sat down and fixed her shirt, “Are you hungry? We can drop by an fastfood place, whatever you feel like… I don’t want to cook tonight. I just want to eat and then sleep.”

“... y-yeah, we can just get some KFC…”

Was something wrong? This wasn’t like Haise at all, but then again, she wasn’t in the place to ask any questions. It was none of her business, she was nothing but a stranger to him after all.

“Do you want to watch a movie…?”, it took him a while to speak up, but when he finally did it felt like a burden was lifted off him at the same time his anxiety kicked in, what would she think of him now?

“I am not in the mood to hang out,” Touka laughed and sighed, “Maybe tomorrow, I can ask my friends if they’d like to join, we could all go to the movies and spend some time in the city afterwards, only if you want to of course.”

“Sure! Sounds great…,” so much for the idea of making it a romantic date, yeah sure… as if she’d ever spend time with him alone out of her own free will; it was a start though, wasn’t it? “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” the aspect of not having to endure it alone was what gave her enough strength to stomach the thought that she’d be alone with him, “Wait… what… day is it tomorrow?”

“Tuesday… Oh! You… meant the date, the 23rd why?”, was it some kind of special day; did he miss something?

“... I am sorry, but I think we can’t go to the movies tomorrow…”

Every 23rd of the month was somewhat dreadful to her, but this one was especially bad. It only marked another year she had to live without the love of her life and their child, she still remembered the night that her husband's colleagues were standing in front of her door, pale and shaking. Their eyes were swollen, red and filled with despair, she knew what they were going to say but she didn’t want to hear it.

No apology, no explanation, nothing would ever be able to heal the pain she felt in the moment they told her that the operation failed. Ken wouldn’t come back to her, never again. She remembered that everything went blank, but she heard that she went berserk, she screamed and cried, woke up in a hospital with a hollow feeling in her stomach.

The numbness spread through her entire body, consumed her. They said they’re sorry, but they have bad news about the baby, she knew it already, oh God, why did they have to say it? “It’s gone, it’s dead isn’t it?”, she laughed after saying it, oh the irony, in that night she not only lost her husband but also her child.

“Let’s go out some other time Haise…,” it was merely a whisper, she let her fingers trace the marks the rain left on the car window on this clear and warm night.

[s0022415asfilm]

Evaluation.

WHAT WERE THE AIMS OF THE ARTEFACT?

The main aim of the artefact was to create a short, 2-minute film based on my textual analysis films. For my personal film, I wanted to show clear inspiration from my short films and also approach the idea of gender and relationships, and the way they intertwine and affect each other. In my Post A. The Brief, I wrote that at the moment I didn’t have a specific idea for what I wanted to do for my film, but that I know that it will revolve around a lonely male protagonist and a fictional love interest.

From my textual analysis, I hoped to discover more about my own short film through research and thorough studying of the films. I chose Her and Ruby Sparks because they are similar in that the female love interest is fictional and they suit my macro concept of representation. I also hoped to achieve a thorough understanding of my macro concept, which I believe I did because I was then able to plan a film that suited and approached the concept well.

The main aim of my artefact in terms of the audience and its message was to display a relationship and possibly heighten the stereotypes of modern society. By creating a world where women’s faces are blurred until a man ‘finds his face’, exaggerates the world we live in where a woman either controls herself or is controlled by a man, for the benefit of a man. Also, by including a dating website designed to overcome this problem of ‘finding your face’, I feel like I can really increase the verisimilitude of my film and make it more obvious to the viewer that it is not simply a love story but is a comment on our society and it’s workings.

WHAT CODES AND CONVENTIONS IDENTIFIED IN THE TEXTUAL ANALYSIS WERE USED IN THE ARTEFACT?

I chose to work in the same genre as my textual analysis texts (TA texts). Both of my TA texts were examples of the romantic subgenre of the drama genre. Through research of the drama genre, I discovered that their narratives usually revolve around real life situations with realistic characters, and intend to emotionally move the audience. Key themes of the genre include current issues, societal ills, attitudes towards women and relationship problems. So, I knew it was the perfect choice of genre to direct my film towards because of its attention to perception of women and relationships. Key iconography includes crying, teenager’s bedrooms and their personal belongings. In my short film, I included the protagonist’s personal bedroom and his laptop on a dating website, to make it obvious to the viewer that he was lonely and looking for a partner.

                        In terms of cinematography, I have been greatly influenced by Her and Ruby Sparks, my TA films. I included lots of wide establishing shots, close-ups and eye line matches to reflect the shots in my TA films. As you can see from the following screenshots of my TA films side by side with my short film, I have tried to incorporate Her and Ruby Sparks’ cinematography into my film. I specifically wanted to replicate the colours shown in my TA films, so I increased the warmth in my camera as I was shooting and I decreased the exposure, to get a dark and warm shot. 

An example of a wide shot in Her: 

An example of a wide shot in Find Your Face:

An example of a wide shot in Ruby Sparks:

These three shots are significant because of what they represent and at what point the shots occur in the films. In Her, this shot of Theodore walking around his city with his coat in his hand comes after an argument with his ‘girlfriend’ Samantha, after she leaves in an emotional state and has left him alone. He is walking around contemplating his loneliness. Usually, when we see Theodore walking around like this in Her, he has Samantha in his pocket, constantly in his ear talking about the world and sharing it with him, and vice versa. So, the contrast of this scene where he is alone and Samantha’s voice is not there with him makes his loneliness even more obvious and allows us to somewhat feel what Theodore is feeling. In Ruby Sparks, this shot comes after Ruby leaves after a huge argument much like Her. Calvin is shown at his desk, contemplating what just happened and what he should do next. In my film, Charlie, the protagonist, is walking around an empty city at night, holding his coat in his hand exactly as Theodore is doing. He is also in a similar state of mind; he is incredibly lonely and is contemplating his life. I decided to replicate these shots in my film because I thought that having the protagonist alone in the shot, surrounded by dark, warm light was a really effective way of showing their loneliness.

I also tried to replicate lighting in my cinematography, as well as colour. Here in all 3 films’ medium close-ups, where the lighting is similar and the colours are all warm. 

An example of medium close up in Her:

An example of medium close up in Find Your Face:

An example of medium close up in Ruby Sparks:

There are particular shots like the ones above that I really wanted to include in my short film for a number of reasons. Firstly, these shots in my TA films represent something quite similar to my short film. In Her, for example, this shot comes just after Theodore’s ‘girlfriend’ Samantha (the OS), decides to leave him for a while after an argument. So, Theodore is lonely in this shot and is contemplating what his next move should be. This is significant because of the way that Theodore feels in this moment; he is helpless and lonely; he cannot control the fact that Samantha has left him because it was her conscious choice - a move more human than robot. It is a very real moment for him and is very representative of normal human to human relationships, where emotion can get the best of a person and cause them to leave. In Ruby Sparks, the shot comes after Calvin and Ruby also have a huge argument and Ruby is left devastated on the floor, not moving or talking to Calvin, representing a different kind of emotional exhaustion. She is so overwhelmed by the emotion of the argument that she is left physically tired. So, she is removed from the situation like Samantha removes herself, however, she is still physically there. In my short film, this shot is used at a point where the protagonist, Charlie, is looking through a dating site and deciding what to do. He is at a crossroads; he doesn’t want to give into this patriarchal society where a woman’s identity is controlled by her relationship status, and he certainly doesn’t want to contribute by joining a seemingly misogynistic dating website. However, he is extremely lonely, and he spends his days in solitude, much like Theodore at the start of Her. So, Charlie feels an overwhelming need to do something about it. Like in Her, when Theodore creates the OS to become his companion or in Ruby Sparks when Calvin writes about his ideal girlfriend and she comes to life. All Charlie wants is a girl to share his life with; he is finally coming to terms with the fact that the only way for him to find his partner may be through this website. I decided to show this emotion with a medium close up because it gives the audience a good chance to really look at Charlie’s face and see his emotion - they can see that he is thinking about what to do next. By placing this shot after an eye-line match (shown below) I am making it obvious to the viewer what he is thinking about.

eye-line match in Find Your Face:

                         In terms of editing, I used mainly cuts and jump cuts, since that is what is used in my TA films. However, I also included a few fade to black screens and fade to red screens. I used these because I wanted to represent my character’s emotion and also represent a change in location. The first fade to red is symbolic because my character is emotional; red symbolises love but also anger and passion, so I wanted to essentially bathe my character in this colour to hint to the audience that he is feeling strong emotion. After this, I included a shot of the website to again hint that this is where his emotion was directed.

I also used a cut to black to show a change in location, and a fade to red in the final sequence to allow the title to come up.

                         In terms of mise en scene, I focused on the costume to replicate Theodore’s signature costume from Her; a red shirt.

Theodore in his red shirt:

Charlie in his red shirt:

I purposefully made sure to include this as an homage to Her and also because of the way the use of red affects an audience. I included red a fair amount in my film because of its connotations of love and passion, and also because it gives a warm tone to the film.

I also used bright city lights at night to replicate Her.

bright city lights in Her:

and:

bright city lights in Find Your Face:

and:

                         In terms of sound, I focused on only using a soundtrack. I used a song written and recorded by my brother to ensure there were no copyright violations, and I also feel like the song really suits the film. I planned to use a voiceover, however, I didn’t feel there was an appropriate moment in the film without re-editing entire sequences so I made the decision not to include it.

HOW WERE THE PLANNING MATERIALS USED IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE ARTEFACT?

Initially, I knew I wanted Her by Spike Jonze to be one of my TA films because it has always been one of my favourite films and I am forever fascinated by its cinematography, narrative, representation and it’s history (in terms of reflecting Spike Jonze’s personal life and being a rumoured sister film to Lost In Translation - another favourite of mine). However, I was at first lost on how I was going to incorporate Her into my TA since I didn’t know what macro feature I should focus on and which other film I should study. Then I realised that perhaps one of the most intriguing things about Her is the way that Samantha and Theodore’s relationship is represented, and I knew that I wanted to focus on that. Especially in terms of gender because the entire film is centred around Samantha - the title; ‘Her’, Theodore’s life becoming increasingly better the more Samantha became involved, the fact that it was possible to create a female OS system exactly to your liking and engage in a relationship with them. I also realised that Theodore as a man is represented in a more emotional way than most Hollywood leading men; he is sensitive and loving and longing for companionship, which I find refreshing, and I knew I wanted to include that in my short film. I decided to include Ruby Sparks because of the similarities in characters; both involve a lonely male protagonist on the search for his perfect girlfriend and ends up creating them instead. 

This is the primary idea that led to my film. I took this idea of a lonely male protagonist and created my protagonist, Charlie. Then I took the idea of being able to control a woman to a point where she can become a product of you and I created the concept of ‘Find Your Face’ - a world where women’s faces depend on which men they are loved by.

I think my three most integral parts of the planning process were my initial ideas, my shot list, and the creation of my fictional dating website, primarily because of the fact that they allowed me to envision my film and create an idea in my head. More than simply writing a shot list and script and calling it a day, I wanted to really create this world in my head; this alternate universe where women’s stereotypes and gender roles are heightened; a world where the patriarchy is exaggerated. I did this by creating the Find Your Face dating website and spending days creating fake profiles for women. I really hoped to increase the verisimilitude of my film by doing this.

a screenshot of the fake profiles on the Find Your Face website:

an example of the Find Your Face website in my film:

I’m really satisfied with the amount of planning I did for my short film because I believe that I did the right amount to create a natural film that isn’t too strictly shot or edited, and I feel like that came across in my film.

In reflection, my film has turned out slightly different than I had planned, which I think is primarily down to the fact that I never had a solid plan to begin with. As I’ve said, I wanted to create this fictional world and allow a film to flow from that rather than just strictly plan a film. Overall I am very happy with my result.

HOW SUCCESSFUL WAS THE ARTEFACT IN ACHIEVING THE AIMS?

I believe that I achieved what I set out to do in both my TA and my short film. In my TA, I accurately and fairly tackled the macro concept of representation of gender and relationships and I gained a large amount of knowledge and inspiration from it. Without doing the appropriate amount of research into my TA films I wouldn’t have been able to create my short film as it is. In terms of my short film, I think it successfully approaches the macro concept of representation and I think it’ s biggest success is possibly the way that it reflects my TA films so well. I purposefully paid homage to one of my favourite films by taking inspiration from the mise en scene, cinematography and editing. I also believe that my film gains more stability in its role as a comment on women’s place in society since I am a woman myself, I know the different ways that stereotypes - especially around appearance - can have on a young woman. I wanted this world to reflect that and I am confident that it did.

If I had a chance to do a different edit I would only try to find a suitable moment in the film to add a voiceover. If I had the chance to start again completely, I would film different shots and gather a larger volume of varied shots so that I had more freedom when it came to editing, and if I needed to, I’d be able to re-edit so that there was a more appropriate moment for a voiceover to be used. Overall I am very happy with the work that I have done.