#i always tell myself it will get bettee

[heatsu]

cw vent art????

with sh scars

this one wasn't supposed to go here but I like how it looks and I don't have my irls here so enjoy wee

[sapphicsunfox]

Its so painful to just accept that she hates me. I think I coped deluding myself into thinking that haha she couldnt truly hate me. There was love there. It cant just die. And even if she didnt love me, there has to be at least something other than hate?

But she despises me. She says i made her miserable. And i know its valid and of course that might be true. Maybe i did make her miserable. I was a lot to handle, i was shaken, i was hurt, i didnt have any tools, i was suicidal. And I regret the colateral damage i caused to those who cared about me. And im sorry i didnt give you enough time, and im sorry i dumped my sadness into you. Im sorry i didnt tell you enough times how much I loved you. Im sorry i took you for granted cause breaking up with my soulmate was unfathomable. Im sorry i didnt try harder, that i didnt ask harder. I wanted to love you right. All i wanted was to love you right cause what was the point of loving if you dont feel loved back? Im sorry i didnt know how to handle it ans caused you pain. Im sorry i didnt communicate better. Im sorry for the times i was scared and it hurt you. Im sorry i didnt express better. Im sorry i made fun of a show you liked. Im sorry i didnt take you on more dates. Im sorry i didnt ask for more clarification when you said you wanted a break. I got scared. I thought i lost you (i did). I never wanted to lose you.

I know now it doesnt matter. I can be sorry all i want, i can better myself and learn and improve and become a bettee person, but to you ill always be The Toxic Ex. And im sorry about that, too. You also were that for me, for a while. It took me a long time to accept youre the person ive loved the most and i couldnt hate you. Not when i was so happy you loved me I cried when you said for the first time. Not when i couldnt hold my smile when i looked at you. Not when i wanted you to come live with me so your mother wouldnt hurt you anymore. Not when i wanted to travel the world with you and have a dog and a rat. I wanted to be your family. I wanted to cherish you. I loved you.

I love you, still.

So it hurts that you genuinely hate me and i made you miserable. But youre allowed to. Its not my place to change your mind, to make you talk to me. To message you. You have your life, you have a boyfriend. Youre probably not even living in this city anymore. I dont wanna let you go, i dont want it to end like this. I want us to talk and make amends. Hell, even as friends. I dont care. I just want to make sure you know i loved you with all i had in me. It was very broken, but it was all yours.

But you despise me. You think my art is shitty. You think im shitty. I think you were the love of my life. I cant hold on to this tiny hope that maybe, maybe if we talked- its gonna destroy me. Its destroying me already. I wanna throw up, im anxious. Im hurt. I wanna make things right.

You blocked me the second you came across my shitty art, and i respect that. I have to, for you and for me. Im sorry I even thought about messaging you. Im sorry for the messages i drafted. Im sorry for the messages i sent. I was desperate, to be honest. I never wanted to lose you. You were my everything, but all I did was made you sad, right?

I hope your boyfriend treats you right. I hope you find happiness and joy. Selfishly, I want you to think of me and wonder what if. I want you to wonder if you should send a message. I want you to stalk my socials just to know how I'm doing. But I can't keep being selfish. We deserve better than this one sided thing I have going on. And im sorry I didnt get to make amends. I wish you had apologized, too. I'd hold you. I'd cry, probably. Always been a bit of a crybaby. I'm so vulnerable when it comes to you.

If you see me on the streets, I hope you say hi.

I love you. Im sorry.

Maybe in another life.

[made-from-star-dust]

Fuck it. Don't ignore this one.

Now a days its always a game of ‘Who’s been through the most shit’ 'who’s the most broken’. No one ever helps, somethings always worse for them, or they decide they don’t want to deal with you anymore.

So you get stuck on that same old cycle. I’m replaceable. I’m alone in this, I’m always alone. They’re bettee off without me, and so on. All I want is someone to talk to again. Someone who wants to listen, not bevause they have too. Not someone who sits and sighs and thinks 'Here she goes again, crying about this difficult time. Doesn’t she know I went through x,y and z without leaning on anybody. Needy bitch’

I don’t need someone who’s only replies are blunt as a butter knife with no given reason, when only the other day they’re complaining to someone else about how I’m only a friend you get stuck with. That they didn’t choose to befriend me but more or less had it forced upon them. Fuck off.

I don’t need someone who listens for all of two sentences before making the conversation about them, knowing full well I won’t steer it back, fearing I talk about mtself too much. Knowing I fear that I’m selfish and an awful person. Fuck you.

I try to tell myself I don’t need someone who tells me they love me, and then in front of their friend turn around and gang the fuck up on me. Who makes me feel like shit, if they know it or not. But gods am i too deep inlove. Fuck me.

I want to tell myself I don’t need anyone. Fuck them, I can do this myself. But I know thats a lie, I know I’m terrified of being alone, of being left alone, of being left with me. So maybe not only is everyone better off if I’m gone, maybe I’m better off too.

Fuck.