#i always feel like an imposter when i write which is insane

[chibizuku]

actually ended up writing a little smth for katsuki's bday 🫣 it's not finished, but like i was literally only planning to write 1 or 2 more lines, so ig it's basically finished 🤪

[aquaquadrant]

I was wondering if you had an estimated date of when you will post the next HTP chapter?

Like, leaving us on such a cliffhanger must be a crime! It cant be legal!

Anyways, while I wait for it, Ive decided to copy paste every chapter into a doc and mark it up color code style for all my over analyzing needs. It took me an hour but it was worth it.

Have a good week and take care :)

(This is meant to be genuine, not mean or passive aggressive, just so you know. While I indeed am anxiously awaiting Chapter 10 by highlighting the chapters on a doc like that one photo of a bible page that’s highlighted with different colors. This isn’t meant to be mean or pressuring, take your time and take care of yourself)

⬆️(Ah poo, Im an over thinker

hey there, no worries y’all- i love seeing my reader’s enthusiasm and it’s reassuring to see continued interest in the series. i’d been hoping to have BOTH of the final ‘from eden’ chapters done before summer. but i have to admit, progress on the next chapter hasn’t been as forthcoming as i’d expected, for a couple reasons.

the first is health-related. not to be too TMI, but i recently got diagnosed with crohn’s disease. my symptoms started ages ago but have really ramped up in the last couple months, and the diagnosis was a lengthy and involved process (started the hunt back in november, presumptively diagnosed after a colonoscopy in feb, definitively diagnosed when biopsies came back over spring break) and even when i was simply waiting for results, it occupied a lot of my mental capacity. and ofc it happened to line up with me turning 26 and needing new insurance, which has caused lots of delays. anyone dealing with the american health care system while chronically ill will tell you it’s a frustrating, exhausting process. as of right now, i’m still waiting to start treatment 🫠

but honestly, even more than that, the biggest thing stopping me from writing is… me? 😂 so there’s this thing that happens after i post a chapter that’s like… decision paralysis? except it’s just that sometimes, i literally can’t bring myself to start the next chapter. it’s like, i have this unfounded fear that all my writing up until this point has been some magical fluke out of my control, and i’m not capable of ‘pulling it off’ again. i guess you could call it a form of imposter syndrome (which i already encounter enough in my vet school life). it gets worse after posting something that was a particularly massive undertaking or was insanely well-received bc i’m scared i won’t be able to top it- even though the impact of storytelling is supposed to be cohesive, and it’s unrealistic for every chapter to be ‘bigger and better’ (what does that even mean?) than the last one because they serve different purposes at different points in the story. i know this, rationally, but that doesn’t stop the irrational fear of failure from making me avoid writing.

i’m not sharing this to make excuses or garner sympathy, or fish for compliments, and certainly not to make anyone feel guilty for asking about updates. i just feel like maybe this will resonate with anyone who has the same experience. and also to share hope, because despite how often this feeling rears its ugly head, i’ve still been able to push through and get back to writing- and i’m always very happy with the result. sometimes it just takes longer than i’d like (pro tip: writing on ur phone is less intimidating, tho it’s more of a pain). but in any case, the next chapter of ‘from eden’ is well underway and i still hope to have the series done before summer’s end^^

[autisticlenaluthor]

What's your take on Episode 7? 👀

I thought it was the best episode yet. it wasn't my favorite episode (I think the bus chaos episode is) but I think this one was the best in terms of writing/story/characterization.

(im gonna do my best to articulate my thoughts. idk how welll I'll do bc im in a verbal shut down but like i do have so many things I wish I could say)

first off, we saw so much vulnerability and so much insight into all of the girls.

the entire episode just had me wanting to reach out through the screen and give Sadie a hug. this episode humanized her (as it did all the girls) so much. it was the first time to me that I felt a true connection with her, rather than just a "she is my blorbo and I love her" favorite character vibe. Melissa is such an incredible actress, especially when given a good script, and you could just feel Sadie's stress through the screen.

the moment at the end with loafers was almost hard to watch. hearing him pile up on her, when you know what she's been through, and then watching it all come crashing down with the reveal of her needing an abortion was gut wrenching.

lola's storyline was also so important. we knew that there's a reason beneath the surface that she is the way she is, and I'd always kinda assumed her ferocity and how stubborn she is was a defense mechanism. but actually seeing it play out and confirmed was something else.

the scene where she went off on her candidate was a lot (for me to watch, not like, a lot in a bad way) but it all made so much sense. I think this episode also kinda showed us Lola being all high and mighty about everything stems from her trauma induced imposter syndrome. like-- the logic of calling her sister a nepo baby is fucking insane, because it means Lola, is a nepo baby too and just too stubborn to see it. but the scene with grace afterwards made it make so much sense.

and grace!! oh my god!! I loved all of the moments with her and Sadie. I loved her offering Sadie a hug, working side by side with her, and being her friend. the scene where she comes at Sadie hard again, is a lot, and for me was hard to watch, but it shows that even though Grace is changing. she is still her. she's written so consistently in her development, and I just love it.

also, the contrast between grace being too disconnected from her down daughter to be her mom, but taking Lola in, and mothering her so naturally. that juxtaposition was everything.

like it's so clear that Grace is afraid of vulnerability. but with Lola, it seems like there are just enough degrees of separation that Grace is able to be there for her the way she should be with Annie.

finally, Kimberlyn. I'd suspected her and Eric would come crashing down but truly, she just deserves so much better. everyone in her life keeps blaming her for going right back to work after her wedding-- seeming to forget, they weren't even supposed to get married that day. Eric dropped it on her out of nowhere, which means technically, Kimberlyn has absolutely no obligation to be being there for him as his wife right now.

but I love seeing Kimberlyn start to recognize her worth. she's been growing so much the past few episodes. and throwing out her passion planner-- it seems like she's getting ready for a fresh start??

idk. but im excited

[dis-nightmare-continues]

Something so satisfying about going to the crust Lord show and being like the youngest person there even tho I'm almost 30. Smoking weed in the bathroom with some dude I just met while everyone passes around nose beers. He asks me if I know some friend of his by my neck of the woods.

"oh yeah I recognize him, but I don't know him too well. I know his girlfriend "

"what, he doesn't talk to you?? You're not cool enough? What, cus you're a bigger guy or something? Fuck that!"

Hard to explain why this interaction is so perfect. It never occurs to me that thin people have any awareness that there are some thin people who write me off for my size and don't see me is being "cool." It's also interesting because I have made imposter syndrome and this dude, after knowing me for 5 minutes, can't imagine why any body would think I wasn't cool enough to be friends with. It was an odd interaction and dude was wasted but it was oddly sweet and validating.

Terminal Filth from Berlin was great. Just joyless, grooveless slow brooding stenchcore. Skallar from Baltimore was awesome as well. Fast as fuck dbeat crust, controlled, not chaotic. Good show.

"handing a beer to somebody upside down is kind of funny" the bartender says, and then does it to his friend. It is funny, in fact, fucking hilarious for whatever reason. I think me and the bartender want to be friends. There aren't so many guys our age around and I only remember people who are really recognizable, which he is, iconically so.

We talk shit on a mutual friend out front of the venue and catch up. It's casual. I've lost my overbearing sense of familiarity and friendliness that I once carried with me everywhere. It wasn't serving me anymore so I dropped it, but now without it the reality of the superficialness of many of my relationships on this scene are more blatant.

I try not to care. In so many ways I've always been a loner. I never knew that, because I was always so extroverted. There are so few people who have earned my trust so I trust everyone and no one simultaneously. Grateful dead lyrics "don't murder me." And on the d I've up as I turmoiled over someone ive been dating, the monkeys, "I'm not your stepping stone."

The show was boring in the best way. I left as soon as the bands were over. Otherwise I was gonna get drunk and do coke and I knew I had to work early today. It's weird having a job I acctually care about. It's a relief that it's only seasonal. One of the things I value most when taking a job is my ability to do it without caring about it at all. The ease of calling in sick when I knew that they knew I was full of shit. Fuck them, it's my life. But now I have people relying on me in a real way. People to stay well rested for. It's kind of nice in a way--easier than taking of myself for my own sake.

I love being able to smoke inside this bar. I love how loud the band is and in spite of myself I even enjoy the crust punk dress code, though I fin something kind of funny and antiquated about it. It's not really my generations aesthetic, we are too far removed from it for it to feel real. I got into this young, spend a decade or more posing but at least I could hang. Now I wonder if I have something that everyone here wants.

Back home they treat me like I have insane clout, and I know they'd do anything for it. I let it ferment, I could give a shit. Everyone thinks your cool until you open your fucking mouth. I don't know where there sense of social anxiety came from but it's ongoing. Lately I just ignore it. I'll figure out my friends eventually. I'll know who I remember soon enough. The amount of people I can forget is overwhelming, so everyone is a stranger and everyone is my friend. I say what's up to someone I've never met, he asks "do I know you," and we smoke some weed from my new chillum in the bathroom. He's from Portland, I could have guessed by the waxed jacket.

I don't tell her all the places I traveled before moving back, just that I've been back for about a year. Howe have you been? As good as I can be. I hear that. I wonder who has been better. What would be better? I want to be her, so why aren't I? It would be worse, which would be better. Harder is better. Good is bad, better is worse. It's hard to relate to anybody outside this world and it's hard to relate to anybody who is in it. So I compartmentalize, and when I'm here I am the version of myself who I bring here. Again and again. And when I'm there, I leave here at the door. I leave it at home with my nose ring and my vest. But I teach what I have learned.

[soot-and-salt]

Wanted to jump on here and say I adore your writing! You've got such an excellent narrative voice and your characters come across as multifaceted and a true delight to read.

I saw you were answering asks so I wanted to throw one your way as well! At one time, how many fics do you think you're working on? Are you an all in one go writer and focus in on one chapter/ addition to a series at a time or do you bounce around?

Why hello there, Cryptidbytes! Always good to see you!

First of all, you are exceedingly kind to me. I'm blushing. Thank you so much for your incredibly lovely compliments. I swear, I am trying my best. Me and my imposter syndrome are locked in a fight to the death and that bitch got hands.

I'm (unsurprisingly) kind of a chaotic mess when it comes to writing. I'm trying to get better. I've had a lot of great success with, you know, THINKING before I write something and making outlines, etc. Usually I have a few irons in the fire because my brain worms are truly a fright to behold.

I try to be an all in one writer. A lot of my one shots are very much written in one day and thrown on AO3 and may god have mercy on my soul. I don't have a lot of writing time in my week. I have a stressful day job that sucks the life out of me and personal stuff I deal with that leaves me with little free time. Some weeks I only get one or two nights to write so shorter one shots tend to go faster.

Lately, though, I'm trying to not be so focused on outside validation and to take my time, even if it means that something takes longer to come out. That's why the word count on We Shoud've Been Enemies installments have gotten so much bigger. Instead of trying to write everything in one night in 3k words, taking two weeks and letting in breath in 6k words have made for MUCH better stories, I think. But it does slow me down, and I'm still working through how I feel about that.

I always have multiple WIPs, even if it's just a file with a title and a scene or some notes or something. Right now I'm currently mulling over:

-the rest of WSBE

-a crack comedy fic involving Alastor and a very unlikely partner in crime

-a QPR with Rosie/Vox/Alastor

-and starting to outline for an Alastor human AU series

So yeah, I do bounce around. Sometimes an idea grabs me and won't let me go and I have to drop EVERYTHING to write it (like I Shine Only With The Light You Gave Me, for example). Usually that happens when I see fan art or get a song lyric stuck in my head and I have to do something with it before I implode.

Right now it's a toss up between WSBE #7 (which I want to finish so fucking bad) and the Alastor crack fic because it's been in my drafts since April and I am dying to let it see the light of day.

There are not enough hours in the day, honestly. We're in the "dead season" at my job right now and I have literally thought of taking a day or two off just to write, which is kind of insane. It's fanfiction, soot, not the next great American novel. But having this many incomplete ideas held in your head can drive you a little crazy.

I gotta stop writing essays to these questions. Sorry about that. Fantastic question!

[klqrambles]

Oh, here are the highlights btw

OFC ITS IN KOREAN

time.. time to be so normal aobut.. salieri.. (I notice they write his name in this musical as 살리에르 whereas in mlor they write it as 살리에리. Not a big difference but the first sounds more like Salier vs the second's Salieri XD)

ok so, i'll give the extended summary based on what im seeing in the playlist (which appears to be the full press call)

(TW suicide attempt mention)

First song is your usual Salieri guilt over Mozart's death and it appears he's locked himself in his room and his servants are worried. He also laments how he's done everything for the masses and not for himself and ends the song with attempting to slit his throat with his quill pen.

Second song is the rumors about how Salieri killed Mozart through poison and how Salieri's gone insane.

Next it moves onto Salieri in bed (looks like a hospital bed) and his wife Therese has come to visit him. He's not doing good begging to leave and saying how he didn't kill Mozart. Therese wonders who it was that made him like this, but does believe he didn't kill Mozart cause she knows Salieri loved him and his music. Salieri feels like he's going to be killed the way Mozart was (likely a symptom of paranoia).

Then Salieri begins to reminisce about the past. About a time when he was one of the best composers and music just flowed so easily. It seems the rest of the musical will take place in this flashback.

Next song is about how Salieri believes his music to be wonderful and perfect :']

ALERT WE HAVE A NEW BITCH BOI ON THE BLOCK (his name is 젤라스 in Korean and I have no fucking clue what that would translate to other than Jealous LOL ngl he might just be the embodiment of Salieri's jealousy but it's.. not clear. I'mma just call him Bitch Boi throughout this) He's always looked up to Salieri and is basically Salieri's #1 fanboy. He'll do anything for Salieri. Salieri tries to reject him. He tells Salieri that he should keep an eye out for Mozart if he doesn't want to become laughingstock.

Introduction to Mozart! He's composing a song based on Caterina's voice. Salieri saw his composition and is getting extremely jealous Mozart was basically able to create it on the spot. Bitch Boi is the one who showed Salieri the composition and is lowkey gloating about how he's right that Salieri should be afraid of Mozart. Salieri is comparing Mozart's work to the voice of God and how everything he stood for is being torn down. Seems Bitch Boi is the one who hated Mozart much more than Salieri did LOL or at least he acts more like a mastermind behind Salieri's jealousy/rage. Salieri's first inklings of imposter syndrome lfgg

Salieri seeing Mozart in person for the first time and Mozart is being the silly little genius with too many notes we all know and love :3 Mozart ultimate lady killer hype man. Seems the Emperor loves his stuff LOL

Caterina is having doubts about her skills and Salieri's telling her that she just has to endure any failures and hardships she encounters. That she just has to believe in herself. Only by doing that can she get her rightful adulation and her true music. He tells her to not be scared and to follow her dreams.

Competition for Kappelmeister! I think. The new and exciting Mozart vs the tried and true Salieri.

Seems Figaro has failed. Mozart is complaining about what exactly music is and how the masses seem to just like meaningless notes. The music that usually talks so easily to him has failed him this time.

Salieri comes by Mozart's house and hums a tune (im not sure what it is but i think it's one of Mozart's compositions). Mozart hums along but has to stop cause of a cough. Salieri is talking about how Mozart's music would always build on itself with emotion. And now the songs he is writing are all sad. Mozart collapses due to cough and he wonders why Salieri has come to see him when everyone else seems to be trying their hardest to forget him. Mozart was jealous of how everyone who looked past his music would love Salieri's and wanted to win against him. Salieri wants Mozart to take his time with the Requiem but Mozart knows he needs to finish it before he dies. Meanwhile Bitch Boi is telling Salieri to kill Mozart. But Salieri works with Mozart to try and finish the Requiem.

Mozart's funeral :'( Salieri is lamenting how Death has given him so much guilt. About how God gave only Mozart Heaven's music and then took him away from Salieri and the rest of the world. He just wants to listen to Mozart's music for the rest of his life. Bitch Boi is back to tell Salieri that God has abandoned him. Salieri is trying to fight against Bitch Boi, asking him to save him from his torment.

Not sure what this next song is about exactly but it's Bitch Boi tormenting Salieri. It might be about finishing the Requiem?

Bitch Boi is holding some of Mozart's compositions that Salieri stole hostage. He wonders if Mozart was really that important to Salieri and Salieri proves that by saying that those compositions are his. Salieri is trying to accept that he lost. That the name lauded by God is Mozart and the name abandoned by God is Salieri. Salieri lamenting the waste of all his work since he's not going to be remembered.

Some more highlights! (2014 prod)

(2016 prod)

Some MVs!

신이시여 (Dear God)

오! 모차르트 (Oh! Mozart)

[scary-ivy]

Elvis Costello and the Imposters at Golden Gate Theater, SF 6/13/23 Concert Notes

-we missed the beginning of Nick Lowe's set :( but we came in to Los Straightjackets doing a really good jam

-then Nick Lowe came back and did Trombone and Cruel to Be Kind. He really sang great tonight, better than last time I saw him and I loved his little stage mannerisms which were very Carl Perkins, bending his legs and such. Then he said one more song and this song is a story and did I Knew The Bride When She Used to Rock & Roll. During the "When she used to pony" part he kept repeating the same line over and over like a skipping record, and then yelled "somebody stop me!" which I thought was quite clever and funny. He also forgot a line at one point lol.

- On to the other show, they opened with Mystery Dance! A very high-energy version of it, with extra guitar solos or something idk it just sounded great tonight.

-Right into This Years Girl. Love that they did it, thought the way Elvis sings it now is quite strange. Must be a deliberate choice on his part since he can sing his old songs normally when he wants to. His voice was great on all the fast songs, it didn't feel at all like he was falling behind on them tonight, like it sometimes does nowadays.

-At some point Elvis randomly said "Uno Dos Tres Quatro" as like a count in to one of these songs.

-Hatty O' Hara Confidential. He yelled something like "who's scandalous tonight? People in the top row?!". This song always kills live, Elvis Costello has insane flow for no fucking good reason, even with alternate rhythm patterns. At one point he said "confidential" in a fake French accent randomly.

-At this point I was thinking even if the rest of the show sucks, this was worth it.

-Costello told one of his rambling stories. It started with "we were just up in Canada and the border guard, who was a young man, and I call him a young man…because I can, I was very polite to him because he had a colt gun onn his hip, but he read the papers and said "Eddie Costello". So we're thinking about changing the name, it's either going to be "Eddie Costello and His Imposters" *crowd cheers for this option* or "Elvis Money and His Two Tickets to Paradise". *Crowd cheers and calls out what option they want* I toured with Eddie Money and they put us together every through our styles were very different. To be hip with the kids, they made art for the poster where it looks like we're both wearing lipstick. And I'll say, Eddie Money looked a lot better in lipstick than me." (Sidenote I can't believe he said this. Much to unpack). During this whole speech he said fucking and fuck so many times. Then he said it was great that he and Eddie Money were on the same label as a bunch of other greats (I forget which ones he listed but Bruce Springsteen was one of them). The crowd cheered for name-dropping of bands they like. He said "you had to be careful as a young man buying records…you might accidentally pick up something by Rush…or Styx." The crowd started half booing for this dig. "I almost picked up Metal by Pink and His Floyds. The record store cleck said…don't get that one son…you might hurt yourself". He started talking about Bruce Springsteen and how he made America seem so magical with girls in red dresses wind in your hair, and how he picked up a Bruce Springsteen record in 73' and it inspired him to write this song.

-then almost midsentce he went into Radio Radio, like one second talking next second Radio Radio. Loved Steve Nieve's piano part, as usual.

-Elvis Costello said "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Nieve!!!" about 6 gooddamn times during this concert. He introduced the rest of the band about 3 or 4 times. Steve Nieve deserved the extra introduction because they did so many songs as like a duo.

- When I was Cruel No. 2. Elvis sat on a stoll near the piano that has this little sound effect board kinda like the one Gerard Way has and Steve Nieve played the melodica? I did not know he could play that, it was awesome. During the ABBA reference part Steve played a minor key version of the dancing queen riff, it was very subtle and extremely cool.

-they were like a jam band tonight? Jamming on long solos in the middle of songs and it always sounded extremely good, like as good as the Beatles or Jimi Hendrix or something, I was just blown away. Elvis played a couple notes on the piano when Steve was soloing, lol.

- We are All Cowards Now hit insanely hard. The political message came through so clearly it sounded like a prayer, no a plea for peace. When he said "throw down your arms" and held his hands up everyone held their hands up.

- "Anyone here like New Wave music? I hate it, horrible speed-up stuff. I was once accused of playing it, and that wounded me deeply, the type of sadness that comes to you when you wake up at 3 am in the morning, and you can't find your car keys but then you find them, but you don't have a car, and then you find your house keys but you don't have a house". Mistook Me For A Freind, which has such a great high energy live sounds like it could be off this years model.

-Accidents Will Happen, fully as the solo piano version, except for at the very end with the "I knows" we were encouraged to sing along with. What a lovely treat to hear it fully as a ballad.

- Waiting For The End of the world, which rules, but also Elvis did a funny thing were he just said "Waiting" and then cut it off and paused the first time, before after a pause finally getting to the "Good Lawd!" part, like continuously teasing the audice each time as people sang the normal line. The rest of the song simmered down along with the pause, increasing the impact of this bit.

- "Clown Around Town" wound up being a very cute acoustic song. He explained the story that he was looking out at the sunrise in Reno and all they had for scenery was a miserable looking clown statue holding up a drum. He said they should put that on postcards for the town, and then said actually it's a very nice town nice people it's not their fault they left an old clown out in the rain. Then did the song on acoustic guitar, except for the end the band joined in. Loved it, just a cute little song, which was refreshing considering what the rest of the music is like.

- MASHUP OF WELCOME TO THE WORKING WEEK AND WORKING MAN BLUES. Man can they do country, switching styles so easily , and I was so happy to hear one of my favorite songs and a clever mashup too.

-WHAT IF I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE! I WAS WORRED THEY WEREN'T GOING TO DO IT. I'm literally in heaven during the solos during this song. Idk what it is but it's just so so good and satisfying to hear. Elvis hit falsetto on end of the second bridge, which was unexpected.

-he sat down in a big red chair, said "a throne fit for a king", random said "I'm colorblind" and didn't elaborate. Panted audibly into the mic an alarming amount, like I was genuinely concerned, then said "I'm not sitting down because I'm tired, it's so that I can look into your wicked souls" 

-Said he got the news that he had been dreading but also expecting for a while, that his friend Burt Bacharach had passed away. The crowd audibly :( at this, I guess some of them didn't know and were just now finding out? He said he got the news at while on tour and it was hard to think of doing a show right after that. He said they were working on the remastered collaboration album right before Burt passed away, as something he left them, and Burt still said the track order was wrong. Apparently they worked on and off together for like 30 years? Since the 90s. He then said Burt Bacharach songs were like overhearing a couple talking in some sexy language like Portuguese or French, joked about doing a song in German and how long the bars would have to be to fit in the words, and then said he only learned about two words in Portuguese and they're both in this song, which was Toledo. As like a piano and acoustic guitar piece, lovely.

-He then said they were always doing new takes on old songs because they were trying to find some reason to keep doing this, but the end was near. The way he said that I wasn't sure if he meant the end of touring, the end of his life, or the end of the world. He said it so bitterly.

-Everyday I Write The Book as a slow acoustic guitar and piano ballad. Fucking beautiful, and genuinely so sad and heartbreaking to hear idk why it worked so well.

-Immediately up into a fast song, I forget which one.

-Costello had a couple long guitar solo moments, and they were awesome, he's genuinely gotten so much better on guitar, lots of picking individual strings while holding the same chord and bending it a lot. Simple but effective.

-I Don't Want To Go to Chelsea, Magnificent Hurt, and Pump It Up, lovely high energy section. Dancing in the seats. 

- "we've got just one more song for you tonight" this was a lie.

- said "we just learned this song today, I'm getting a bit excited" and did some song about Licorice, which I think is either a cover or new. Very bawdy song, but it was fun.

-to the audience: "We want you individually, and as a group" ???

-I Don't Want You Lyndon Johnson was very interesting. Last year Elvis Costello did a little spoken word bit in the middle of Watching the Detectives called "Invisible Woman" and I noticed parts of the words of that in this. Also just found it pretty funny and listenable, I hope he does another country album I'm liking all these acoustic little songs. 

- He invited Nick Lowe back up to the stage?!? I literally freaked out like. I was hoping they would do this last time. They did Indoor Fireworks as a duet, trading off verses, which was beautiful. I was surprised by how good their harmonies sounded - their voices are so different but work so well together. I saw Nick signaling to Elvis to repeat the last verse another time.

-for the second time we were told that there was just one more song, which once again was a lie.

-Whats So Funny Bout (Peace Love and Understanding) as a duet! I've wanted this since they first started touring with Nick Lowe, this rules. Lowe did the "for the children of the new generation" spoken word part perfectly. They started doing this funny little thing where Elvis would move his guitar to one position then Nick would mirror it, like a little dance

- "When we first did this song Nick Lowe wouldn't let me play guitar on it he kept me behind a glass wall in the corner of the studio." 

-Allison as a duet with Nick Lowe, it was beautiful with the harmonies, with Lowe doing great on his verse. During the last chords they dropped out and let the audience sing it, and the audience somehow sang Allison perfectly, one of them said "so pretty".

-giving Good Omens vibes with all the songs about the end of the world and especially with Nick in white with normal glasses and Elvis in all black with dark glasses.

-My mom said "this felt like a farewell tour" and that broke my heart because it honestly did. I've literally seen Elvis Costello and the Imposters every year for three years in a row and yet I don't want this to end. But yeah,they could definitely take a break, they tour and release new stuff so much more often than any other band I follow. 

- Probably one of, if not the best Elvis Costello and the Imposters concerts I've been to because it was great energy the whole time, and I knew every song (except for the new ones, which were also great). Highlights for me was getting to hear so many songs off of My Aim Is True, This Years Girl, What If I Can't Give You Anything But Love, WELCOME TO THE WORKING WEEK, Accidents Will Happen Ballad version, Everyday I Write The Book ballad version, and Nick Lowe coming back on stage near the end which was like a dream come true.

[moorishflower]

hi, sorry for crashing in here every once in a while, would you share some of your writing process with us? I don't know how you manage to consistently put out god tier writing so regularly and would like to know if it's not too much trouble?

my dear my darling you can crash through these walls whenever you want just absolutely rip through 'em <3

So I always find it a little bit funny when the topic of writing process comes up because I really don't consider myself to have one, or rather, not a particularly VIABLE one

But the process goes kind of like this:

Have idea (idea is usually had while lying in bed trying to sleep, or while in the shower, or sometimes as the result of a prompt from my personal server or from an ask here)

Go to work the next day and absolutely SLAM KEYBOARD during my breaks. I have ADD and I am not medicated for it because I am largely well-functioning and I've previously had some uhhhh unfortunate side effects from Adderall, but one of the results of that is that I write fastest and best when I'm under pressure to do so. A manufactured time limit is the easiest way to trigger this, so I have a little bluetooth keyboard that I can connect to my phone, and in my spare time at work I write. I usually do like. 2,000 words this way? Sometimes more sometimes less.

It is important to note here that I used to do metadata entry for a living, a job which required me to have an insanely high wpm type speed, so at my fastest I was clocking somewhere around 89 to 92wpm with like a 75% accuracy. I am at this point probably typing 70-75wpm with a significantly higher accuracy (have not measured in a while, so this is a rough guess). What this means is that I type fast and hard and have broken keyboards, so I can and do fuckin SLAM words out, in very short periods of time.

When I get home, mostly what I want to do is write? It gives me a lot of joy to do so, and so at home I usually work on smaller projects, or answering prompts or asks. In between I play Pokemon or read or play with my cats (I got Pokemon Violet, and Shroodle is my one true love).

So kinda the unfortunate thing for me is that my writing and my reading brain are connected by some mysterious psychic link, so it's hard for me to switch back and forth between them. It means I don't have a lot of attention to give to other fic when I'm caught by an idea, which SUCKS ASS because everyone is writing a TON of really cool and good stuff. I suspect i will go through a hibernation phase at some point and catch up on like a year of fic in 1 month l o l

As for the quality of my writing I don't have a lot to say for that! I have a bachelor's in English and World Literature, which might contribute to just. Basic understanding of the flow of stories. But I mostly don't do editing, I've never taken classes on writing outside of what I took in college, and honestly I think any quality of my writing is more of a tribute to all the fantastic things I've read. I tend to absorb little bits and pieces of other writing styles as I go, so there are concepts and turns of phrase buried in my subconscious going back 20 years to when I first started reading fic. basically I turned imposter syndrome into my identity! (j/k j/k)

idk my friend judging the quality of my own writing is difficult, but if it resonates with other people, if it gives you feelings, if it makes you laugh or makes you horny or makes you think, that's all I can ever really ask. I have to try not to think about it much beyond that because i try to keep aware of my self esteem issues and hyperfixating on whether people "like" me is a problem, sometimes! though thankfully one I am often aware of, and can take steps to mitigate.

so like, the short answer to your question i guess is: have a cool job, regularly give yourself wrist damage, be feral about words. and write. just keep writing. the more you write, the easier it gets, the faster it gets, and the better the words feel!

[sharkiegorath]

bleugheugheughugh

About two weeks ago, my reverse hanahaki story was accepted by a magazine I really like. I was happy about it for about a week. Yet I'm stuck in a doom loop over a different story's revision and resubmission, for a different magazine. Insane behavior. Anyway.

GOOD THINGS:

The editors are kind and experienced. The edit letter is really nice. It stresses that they don't want to make changes that I don't want, etc. I've only ever heard good things about them. They even had the opportunity to act Twitter brainpoisoned at one point, and they didn't.

The editors' questions are thoughtful. And I'm one of those writers who enjoys analyzing their own work and talking about it.

This story is special to me in an unhinged way and I want it to be its best version.

I like the magazine. I love one particular story they've published. In all its years of existence I've never read a story in this magazine where I've seen glaring issues and went "why was this published at all????", unlike one or two big names.

The pay is not only the recommended rate but higher than the standard (and through developmental editing I'm adding to the word count, on their suggestion.)

I like the assigned editor as a person and they're from a similar background, which is pretty crucial to the story. I actually briefly spoke to them during a volunteer thing in April so I 'know' their vibes.

There's no real deadline, just a January goal to work towards.

It's good to have new experiences!!!

NEGATIVE FEELINGS:

General imposter syndrome feelings of "it seems this wasn't perfect, looks like I have to crawl into a hole and die now".

It's taking up time and mental energy I'd prefer to use to write other things, especially with important deadlines mid-December and January.

There's no guarantee the story will be accepted for publication even if I spend all that time and effort revising.

It's a story ABOUT alienation and the cycle of abuse OF COURSE I'm going to feel fucking weird explaining and dissecting it, especially parts I wrote as The Point, which apparently weren't clear enough.

I feel bad about being told it's "not ready to publish" because this exact version made it to the final round of a dream magazine I love, with no feedback, overseen by a guest editor I wanted to impress.

I've never done something like this before. The first time I worked with an editor, I reverted almost all of his changes because they were objectively wrong. My second piece was barely edited and I didn't even have to look at it before publication. And I don't like having new experiences in November. The last time I enjoyed a new experience in November was 2011.

I absolutely hate feeling like I'm being guided or mentored, because throughout my childhood, adults failed to do that, and as an adult I've done most Meaningful Tasks on my own. I automatically feel patronized and condescended to when someone wants to help me from a position of perceived power. The advice I've received, while not always hurtful or dangerous, usually wasn't useful. It ranges from overall positive relationships (parents, first boss) to neutral (first editor, volunteer work supervisors) to outright bad (teachers, church, adult fandom BNF's as a teen????) My absolute first knee-jerk response to unsolicited or 'mandatory' guidance is "oh, great, another fucking problem"

Because of this particular magazine's mission and history, I cynically wonder if I'm being viewed as a charity project or scrappy underdog or something.

oh yeah sure I'll analyze my work but I HATE BEING PERCEIVED I HATE BEING PERCEIVED I HATE BEING PERCEIVED NO PERCEPTION ONLY THE ART DO NOT LOOK AT ME DO NOT TALK TO ME

Basically it's become a locus of negative feelings about community and culture and The Industry, through no fault of the magazine's own.

[ikemenomegas]

Great-fun!!!

Would Lee of all the boys be willing to share his alpha with anyone else or would be happy with having multiple partners of different secondary genders???

Ooooh okay okay

The short answer is yes.

Lee is such an interesting character. As a truly glum pre-teen I was not a fan of his chipper "can do" attitude, but he quickly won me over the moment he got serious in his fight with Kimimaro. He's very sincere in all he does in a way a lot of the clan kids (which most of the rookie 11 + Sasuke are those. It's an intentional move among the nobility but means that TenTen and Lee and Sakura have a fun time combating a bit of imposter syndrome against classmates with insane bloodline limits) are not. He's also really insightful, which you know I like in a character. I like people who aren't fooled by the walls other people put up.

Again, I think you can truly make excuses for any kind of ship, it's all fun and games, so here's some options I can see working for a poly ship

Among the omegas:

Lee once tried to become Sasuke's rival the way that Gai is for Kakashi, and that is a truly underplayed dynamic that has potential for a fun romantic relationship. Taken in the right direction, it has the potential to get Sasuke to view power as not only a means to an end, but as something to enjoy. Sasuke seems at times uncomfortable with his own body, sometimes viewing it as a weapon to wield, rather than something he inhabits, and something to control rather than exist within. Having a relationship with Lee and his Alpha could help him to feel more in tune with his own physicality and the joy of pushing himself for the sake of progress rather than the purpose one day defeating an enemy.

If you personally are a very energetic sort of individual, you could probably survive the veritable supernova of excitement that would be mating Naruto and Lee. They don't interact all that much in the actual series, but this is fandom so we do what we want. I think that Lee's forthrightness compliments Naruto's drive, and together they could get the village well whipped into shape.

Among the alphas and betas:

I have always had a sort of affinity for Lee and Sakura as a pairing. Back when I was young and naive and still had hope for her character (and men writing the stories of young women but alas), Lee stood out as the first one to acknowledge her potential as a kunoichi, both beautiful and deadly. Even though she thought he was strange for his reaction to her, and had Sasuke shaped blinders on, he was always respectful of boundaries, but also encouraging where most of the others in her class were either trying to intimidate her into falling behind or outright ignoring her in favor of their own particular issues. They also have that taijutsu thing going on between them. If you are looking for a drama laced kind of experience where a female character is actually given some room to grow a little self respect, pairing with both of them could be super fun. Whether you think of Sakura as an alpha or a beta I suppose is up to you but I'm partial to naming her an alpha simply due to my personal preferences for these things, Lee would not have a preference.

I don't think there are any others in his age group that I know well who would match him, but if anyone else has suggestions, I would love to hear them!

[menstits]

is this a safe place to hate k4veh and k4vetham. Its so funny that his fans act like hes the most well written character in the game when hes just a guy with imposter syndrome and mommy issues that got scammed. funny of them also to act like nilou didnt do anything in the story like i think nilou is boring as fuck but at least she paid an important role on the first and last arcs, all kaveh did was argue with alhaitham at the end for 2 minutes for #fujopoints and thats it. also congrats to hkv for being the first gay ship to be implied but they feel sooooo forced bc u can tell hoyoverse is only good at writting yuri bc of past experience

I didn't even know that people were trying to argue about nilou too, you're bringing me discourse the likes of which i cannot even imagine. Like i cannot bring myself to get invested in nilou just because she's boring but objectively she's far more plot relevant than kaveh like bro we were trapped in her dream world for like an entire arc.

In all seriousness though, i don't want to be too much of a bitch because i do have mutuals who like kaveh/kavetham in a normal people manner so this is all about a specific chunk of the fanbase, i'm not making blanket statements like mewchies if you're reading this it's not about you i literally just have seen Things against my will on twitter and want to bitch about it + i'm adding a readmore cause this is becoming long

I don't even think it's like. An issue that's specific to the characters or the pairing. In a vacuum i would have probably felt entirely neutral about kaveh because he's not even an unlikeable character. If i lived in a cave and played the game without knowing what anyone else is doing in another lifetime maybe i would have even liked him. I don't harbor negative feelings towards the people who can be normal about liking a character but the thing is that he is literally just some guy. Like his Thing is that he's just some dude who's in his 30s and is kind hearted to a fault cause then he always gets scammed which in itself is like. A pretty funny/endearing character concept in itself. And i know that him being Just Some Guy makes him relatable to all manner of tormented young adults who are also Just Some Guy as well which is FINE. I get it. We are all some guy deep down. But what bothers me is that . A certain side of the fanbase wants him to be kaeya so fucking bad and will project conflicts onto kaveh that are literally just kaeya's and it's like. I will kill you with a rock. They have very similar conflicts except for the fact that kaveh's are repackaged to be about more mundane things compared to kaeya's and it's so... Kaeya has been there doing all that 3 years before kaveh was even a twinkle in the hoyoverse devs' eye . If you're a kaveh fan you better only ever say nice things about kaeya or i will strangle you.

My OTHER grievance with kaveh fujos which are really NOT even always the same category as the fans doing what i just mentioned is that . They draw him and write him like a cishet woman on the verge of a divorce i don't know how else to explain like i feel like people brought back the insane super masc muscled seme x skinny malnourished frail and womanly uke with an inexplicably fat ass trend from older yaoi full force for these two in a way that i hadn't seen since like 2012 it's so sickening not even in a funny way not even just redesigning him to have different body proportions from the standard twink model like that's good end encouraged but NO they're just literally making him as frail and womanly and vitamins deficient looking as possible and then giving him a scary waist to hips ratio like ENOUGH. ENOUGJ that man has no ass HE HAS NO ASS HE'S SHAPED LIKE A BOOKMARK❗❗

[the-most-lamentable]

oh baby it's askin' time. 58, 66, 73, 90, and 21 for funs :)

Good evening, got booted out of my account for a moment but I am back and presently avoiding working on my writing projects ( will be working after this because my project list is ever expanding and I Still need do get done the ch3 illustration aaaaaa)

What's the last thing a fic made you Google when you were writing it?

Uhh the last thing was the bus system in the Tampa Bay area to Plant city for the immortal blade story. He starts off as a college student before having the worst night of his life brought to you by maybe a few too many Jaegerbombs.

In other research I tried an energy drink to see how it would feel as I have a scene in that Eugenia is an incredibly passive aggressive ghost wherein Keith absolutely crashes right before a show so Mickey gives him a monster thinking what's the worst that could happen? It goes poorly.

When have you felt the most confident in your writing?

Occasionally when I'm working on a project I'll have one of those moments where I realise Hey I just set up and paid off some very nice bits of theme and motif Ohoho it's all coming together, I've connected the dots. It's usually then.

Otherwise, my best writing? This line I wrote at 4 am.

"“Well- jokes on you! Both of my parents are dead!” Kevin sputtered.

Jeremy paused for a moment. Someone nearby shouted, “Her ghost is disappointed!” The crowd murmured in agreement."

How do you visualize scenes? Do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

So when I first start drafting a story I will be sitting there staring at a wall and there's a tiny film projector in my head playing out key beats, very visual but also vibe driven. The Great Imposter was very one to one in the scene beats and imagery I came up with initially like the imagery of the study sequence where he's stuck watching the action unable to act, or the whirring ambulance lights in sprinkling rain for Shock Blanket.

When I actually start writing it's a bit of both, my brain is multitasking to high hell. Those central images serve as a guide which is supported by insane amounts of character research and story structure. Most of the chapter illustrations are those initial clear images translated to drawing. I figure if the iconography is so effective to me, it should hopefully work on my audience too as a supplement to the vibes.

Do you notice your own voice in your writing?

Exceedingly so, yes. While I do make an effort to write within character logic and voice, it is still my writing. I have been told my usual voice is resemblant of a late 1800s British satirist, which seems fair (irony is the death of sincerity, my deepest struggle writing) however other inspirations include: Terry Pratchett, Lemony Snickett, Clue 1985, Tj Klune, David Sedaris, etc. All this to say always very dry humor, fast rhythm, and exceedingly long metaphors that are just a bit too specific.

Pick a writer to co-write a book and tell us what you'd write about.

Uhhhh I don't know but if you ever want to write a story together here's my pitches that I am coming up with on the spot (absolutely no pressure, i just dont know how else to answer this):

An AU of Homeward, Boumd where the Beans are all human, but still just as fucked up. Like Chris mentions offhand that his brother once threw him into a hole in their basement and left him for dead and everyone is just !!!??????

Celia Bean had an affair (outside of her one with Robert of course) which after an ancestry test brings James's number of suprise siblings up to 3. I just feel like him and Chris have similar vibes. Plus the chaos of introducing these two groups, particularly Cornley being perhaps a little too snooping over this (Jonathan and Dennis trying to casually hide behind a newspaper in a café only to be immediately clocked by Chris)

I've got an urban fantasy noir sorta story where magic is real and the whole thing kicks off with a spell backfiring and James's dad disappearing. Features things such as Keith and Mickey Co running a psychic shop (Keith runs the shop, Mickey is his glorified landlord, roommate, and self nominated HR department), Kevin getting up to shenanigans as a ghost, human glowsticks being abused for said glowing, werebear the ultimate bear, group sleepover (See: James and Mickey fall asleep and nobody has the heart to wake them). I believe I've mentioned this one before.

Anyways thanks for the ask, forgive me if it's A bit incomprehensible I am extremely sleep deprived from an absolute eager with my friend last night wherein we reorganized her bedroom and then discussed theology till 4 am. Best wishes, Jon, I don't know why I'm signing off like an email but it's there now

[keefwho]

July 19 - 2023 Wednesday

7:51 AM

I think maybe I have a case of imposter syndrome. Something I was reading related to how I think, “They wouldn’t say I was good if they knew what I was REALLY like.” It makes sense too, believing you’re a bad or broken person despite operating well on the outside will make you feel like that quote. But as soon as I defuse from self criticizing thoughts and develop better perspective, my self opinion improves greatly. 

2:11 PM

I feel like writing every time I am in distress which is almost constantly. Its EXACTLY like when I had my major anxiety problem because there was actually no break. It was constant, every hour. I do feel like I’m taking my first effective step in getting better about my situation though. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself because it’s only been a few days now that I’ve been applying focus on just a couple of things. Those two things are reminding myself that I’m me as much as possible, and identifying/defusing from thoughts that cause me distress. Whenever I feel ‘bad’, I try to think about what exactly is making me feel this way. Often times it will come down to a thought or belief that may or may not be true but either way is occupying my mental space in an unhelpful way. I’m trying to improve on noticing these thoughts and not letting them get to me so much. I can still feel bad about things as long as I’m not getting too sucked in. 

3:29 PM

At my core I just want someone to share things with. Experiences and feelings. Some to feel open and safe with. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. The yearning is strong.

3:55 PM

The thoughts are coming on strong. Thoughts like: “How did I fuck up everything so bad.” “Can I really move forward.” “What if I lose them.” “I can’t talk to anyone, they’ll hate me.” “I’ll never see improvement.” “My relationships are on the downhill.” “What if I stay lonely today?”

But they are only words. They might be true or untrue. They are just appraisals made by my mind about everything I got going on.

Im always irrationally worried that today will be the last time I talk to my bestie. I’m afraid she will become too aware of how fucked up I am. 

4:48 PM

I’m deep in, trying to defuse from my thoughts. There are just so many. I also have to defuse from the thought that I won’t be able to defuse. Its INSANE. I could use some perspective if only I could find a way to get it right now. I feel like I’m stuck in the past in a place that doesn’t exist. 

For awhile I was hopeful that I could rekindle a friendship with someone I had a falling out with but I think I’m far too late. Its something I let slip away and I’m upset at myself for it. I see old pics and feel sad that they are probably looked at by the other person as something hurtful. I handled everything that happened very poorly, all because I didn’t know how to handle my feelings properly and didn’t have a good grasp on myself. Thats why I’m still afraid now. I’m afraid I’m going to mess everything up again for similar reasons. Things I can’t even see yet. 

10:44 PM

This morning I ate beefaroni with some saltines in it and an applesauce. Kind of a weak breakfast but it was different than usual at least and very convenient. I tried making a stellar cup of coffee with extra sugar but got some coffee grounds in it. I did a warmup off stream and a little bit late. I felt very strongly that I wanted to make something mushy for my bestie. Just a little thing to show her how highly I think of her. I started my stream after that and only went for 1 hour 15 minutes instead of 2 because of how behind schedule I was. Since the commissioner is paying double I could afford to do that. We watched the King Ramsey episode of Courage today. I was also kinda brain dead like I didn’t know how to make non-awkward conversation. After stream I procrastinated a little bit before my workout. It was a pain in the ass setting it up but I got my mic, wireless headphones, and xbox controller configured to play VRchat while I walked. I did stay occupied but unfortunately made no conversation with anyone. I watched Henry’s Kitchen stream on the side. I did 2.5 out of 3 miles on the treadmill and ended early so I could mow the lawn which would also count as my cleaning for the day. Half the lawn is basically fully dead at this point and I don’t know what to do about that. I had a quick shower before making lunch. I made Rice a Roni Pilaf with broccoli, green beans, spinach, onions, and tuna. It wasn’t bad but I didn’t cut the onions very well and I don’t like the texture of pilaf very much. At this point I was starting to get in a bad mood and eventually got around to doing today’s request but I decided not to do project work today. I felt like sulking a little bit instead. Also my eyes hurt. I knew I couldn’t just sulk though and tried to work just a little bit on anything I knew I wanted to do. I played Pony Town and made a little addition to my house. I made the Hopping Homies VRchat group and a stand-in banner. I set up 2 new channels in my server specifically for my art and VR content. Might expand that in the future but this’ll do for now. I watched XQC stream and hopped into his discord server’s VC and actually made some nice little conversation while all watching him together. I kinda trauma dumped but so did the other guy I was talking to. It would be helpful for me to stop saying “im fine” even to strangers when I’m not actually fine. I’m not trying to sympathy farm, just be open and honest about being down because it’s okay that I am. I had a little VR time with the bestie after that and a nice  feelings chat with her. I probably have something to talk about almost every night but I do worry if discussing each other’s sorrows so often could be a bad thing. Thats just my brain talking, I feel as though it is good but on the surface it seems like it could get out of hand. But maybe not. It’s something I’ll figure out by feel. 

I think today it would have been best not to make that sketch, only because I sort of promised I would give less to my bestie because of how it can make her feel like she needs to do more. I made sure I wasn’t doing it out of obligation or anything though, I really wanted to do it. I got satisfaction out of it. I definitely wish I hadn’t of procrastinated as much as I did or shirk my project time. I did do a good job of channeling my energy into doing things afterward though. I popped off around VR time because I really do feel like myself around my friend. I feel at home in a way. It’s one of the few times I know what I want and who I am.

[dreamworldzine]

EVERYONE KNOWS WHATS HAPPENING EVEN THOUGH NOTHING IS HAPPENING

INCEST IN OTHER PEOPLES FAMILIES

I can't get rid of this gnawing terror: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. Nothing (that I remember) from my life explains this feeling. Feeling like there must always be something secret and worse that I just don't remember. I had a therapist once tell me she was concerned I had unrecovered memories of severe sexual abuse. I hungrily read everything Clementine Morrigan writes. My eyes stick on the word: INCEST. That didn't happen to me. I am trying. Trying so fucking hard. Sifting through all my childhood memories. I read her writing about incest over and over. More than any other topic. It makes my heart race. I feel my eyes come into focus as if for the first time in many years. But I'm confused. I feel like an imposter. I feel crazy. I pick through interactions with my family, my dad's friends. Trying to find it and I don't.

And it makes sense. It's hard to see. Even my therapist missed it-- thinking that I could have repressed memories of sexual abuse of a level of seriousness similar to incest, but not seeing the actual incest that I experienced. One morning when I was reading The writing is a lightning strike that illuminates everything, I finally saw it. It did come to me in a lightning strike. And I immediately stopped reading and began desperately writing everything that came up. That piece of writing is what finally cracked open the abyss and allowed me to see in.

When I was 13, I became involved in the incestuous dynamic of another child's family. This wasn't repressed. I have always remembered the events of this particular year and worked with therapists to process some of the more overt abuse. But even my therapist missed it: the mother of this child was an incest perpetrator.

I'm writing it all down to turn it into something solid, touchable, that I can refer back to. Once it's all here, it can never vaporize back into the shapeless terror of WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I'm writing it all down for incest survivors. Clementine Morrigan wrote that it isn't fair to make incest survivors carry it alone and she's right. So this is what I have to offer:

I befriended a boy my age and spent extensive amounts of time with his family. He and his mother were deeply enmeshed. She was heavily involved in every aspect of his life, but especially his friendships, relationships, and sexuality. The first time I was around his mother, I was immediately aware that I was the next in line, chosen to be his girlfriend. The last girl was still his friend and I was unwillingly placed into competition with her. From the first time we met, his mother told me stories of other girls who had come before me and all their terrible acts of noncompliance which resulted in their removal from their role as his girlfriend, his saviour, his Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and their premature descent into the role of fallen woman--whore, wild and dangerous.

Anyway, I was aware of this right away and deeply disturbed by it. I told my mother. She found it a little odd, but more amusing than concerning. Just benign crazy people. They're everywhere. She never asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend or if the controlling, and frankly terrifying, energy radiating off of his mother made me uncomfortable. She drove me to his house over and over. They never once came to pick me up, she took me there every single time.

I spent the better part of a year being groomed, manipulated, and coerced into a sexual relationship with this boy. He was an active participant. Constantly touching me. Discouraging me from talking to other people. Meltdowns if I rejected his advances. Threatening to hurt himself. But of course I don't blame him. It was and is obvious that he was under insane pressure from his mother to get me to be his "girlfriend".

His mother wanted us to pretend that she was our peer, one of the group. Simultaneously and paradoxically, she expected us to comply with her every demand. To bend and contort ourselves to act out the predetermined friendships and sexual experiences that she wanted her son to have. If we didn't, there would be consequences. I remember talking to the other kids: we all knew it was crazy, she was crazy. We all knew his relationship with his mom was Super Fucking Weird. What were we all doing there?

There was one stand out sexual assault. It was at a co-ed sleepover at another family's house, in a room we were sleeping in with two of his other friends (both male). I don't know if they were awake or not.

In the morning, I woke up to one of the other friends fully naked, in the middle of changing clothes. He was mortified when I woke up, got dressed quickly, and apologized. I don't think he meant anything malicious. But I bring it up because it speaks to the strange lack of boundaries that crept into this friend group. I don't think any of the other kids were experiencing incest from their own families. But the magic spell of compliance, enmeshment, and lack of boundaries still made it's way into their minds, just like it made it's way into mine. This was all fine and normal. Fun, in fact.

Looking back, I can see tones of parental detachment, with varying degrees of severity, in all the children who were close friends with this boy. Adults allowed everything to happen, but also, to them, nothing did happen. The more clear it became that my parents wouldn't become involved, the more sharply the abuse ramped up.

Perpetrators of abuse look for victims who will not be protected. Denial is a powerful tool of non-protection: that didn't happen because it can't have happened. I didn’t fail to protect you because there was nothing to protect you from. When his mother saw my own mother's denial or obliviousness of the situation, she saw that she could act on me with impunity. When people say that abuse as a child puts you at risk for further abuse, this is what they're talking about. No matter what happened to me at her house, my parents would never be outraged, because it could have just as easily happened at their house.

Is allowing your child to become involved in the incestuous dynamics of another family itself an expression of incest? Or is it just neglect? This isn't a rhetorical question. It feels insanely taboo to ask it, but we need to talk about it. Even survivors of incest who were raped by members of their family face extreme stigmatization when it comes to actually naming incest. I literally can't even fucking imagine how difficult it would be to accuse a family member of emotional incest. I'm not trying to claim trauma that isn't mine. I'm saying: for real, it would help survivors if we made space to ask these questions. And that includes asking if you experienced incest and ultimately concluding that you did not.

My mother wasn't ignorant of the unhealthy relationship my friend had with his mom. She wasn't ignorant of the constant "drama" between me and them. She wasn't ignorant of the way his mother meddled in his friendships, imposed herself into relationships with his friends. And my mother wasn't passive in allowing my involvement with him-- she, quite literally, delivered me to them on a silver platter, at great personal inconvenience. Is that neglect? I'm sure she would say that she had no idea and that she was trying to be a good mom by taking me to see my friend. Is it really possible she didn't know? Or was it that it seemed normal to her? Certainly, I was sexually abused by an incest perpetrator and her family. But it wasn't my family. As much as she tried to change this, I wasn't hers. I didn't belong to her. I wouldn't have to fight the law in order to be separated from her. In many respects, I was free to go. (WHY didn't I just go? It's complicated.) This sounds exactly like domestic abuse. Is it that simple?

I don't know. This is what I know:

I witnessed incest. I witnessed that woman sexually abuse her son. I was a child and powerless to stop it but I am no longer powerless. I can say: incest is utterly normal. Countless adults knew about the relationship she had with her son but they were at most, slightly off-put. It happens all the time. Everyone knows what's happening even though nothing is happening. Sometimes kids don't know. But here's the thing: I knew. I fucking knew the whole time. Even though I didn't have the words. I would have saved him if I knew how. If I had access to any adult who was willing to see what was going on. I would have gotten him the fuck out of there. He was my friend.

[haretic]

Present Day; 30/06/24 | Present Time; 1:53am

public pools

went back through my old diary blog and found some truly insane ramblings. i've always had a major amount of imposter syndrome about my issues so seeing it in retrospect, while disturbing, was really helpful.

some of the active psychosis ramblings were pretty funny though. I'm not sure how i get it in my head that i'm dying a painful death or that i'm actually an angel or my brain has been uploaded to the internet (that which is now true to a certain degree)

but still

i prefer this current blog, other people can actually see my posts here, and even if i don't expect interaction or anything, its helpful to know that someone, somewhere out there, even if its just Angel (who will never be a "just" in any other sense but in this case the sentence structure requires it) can all see my posts and i am not truly alone

because are you ever truly alone when youre on the internet?

its as scary a though as it is a calming one, and while i do think the internet is (for the most part) dead, its still nice to see other peoples puttering about in their own niches.

idk. just my evening thoughts

of more thoughts. I'm not sure the guy i like likes me that much. He seems plenty interested in me, but i just don't know if its in that way. my friends say yes, but i dont want to jump the gun and ruin things. we were friends before this and i'd hate to not go back to it afterwards.

we're going to hang out tomorrow. he got an invite from a friend to go somewhere also and he said if i wanted to come along i could but if not he wouldnt go. i said no and if he wanted to he could still go, i didnt want to be the reason he missed out on anything, and he said it was okay because he could always go later in the day.

i know that was objectively a good answer, i'm not sure i should expect anything more, but i'm always looking for someone to say "no! you're enough for me! if you don't want to, we won't go, together". which is an extremely selfish thought.

one of my biggest flaws is my selfishness i feel. i always want more than i've got, and feel empty without it. I know thats ridiculous, i'm working on it. We'll hang out tomorrow and i'll enjoy it. He's going to introduce me to his cats. Or cat, because one of them is shy and may not want to say hi.

i'm talking to him now, prying into his personal life. i want to know if he has a boyfriend. i feel like he does? i don't know though. i started writing this as a distraction so i wouldn't just do nothing in anticipation of his attention. really i don't know if this is a crush or craving closeness. i like to think i've gotten better at being by myself, and being alone. but there are still loads of times i crave closeness with someone. sometimes that can't be helped. but i've felt like this for a few months, longer than those relapses into selfish want usually last. but then again, i don't even know if he likes me back. we'll see i suppose.

i've been thinking a lot about the pools i used to go to as a kid. there are two, i drove by one today.

the outdoor one was smaller, it has a diving board, and its got this giant shower right near the entrance, as well as showers in both washrooms. they've got grassy areas for you to lay out your towels and stuff, but they've also got a massive greenspace that holds the toddler pool (a small hole in the ground that holds maybe a half a foot of water. i used to lay in it and stare up at the sky in it. just enough water i was always wet but i didn't have to put in the energy to float). for whatever reason they just won't connect that area to the main pool. one time my brother drank too much water and threw up there. he had had a massive mix of soft drinks at the airport earlier that day before my dad had landed in from a flight. at least i think those were on the same days, because i think thats part of why he was sick. i remember trying to touch the bottom of the deep end, near the diving board, and i remember jumping off the board. it was so daunting as a kid, but when i went back a few years ago, it seemed like barely a hop. i remember going there with my childhood bestfriend (someone i no longer talk to) and i remember burning my feet on the hot concrete running back and forth ignoring the no running signs. i remember getting sleepy and insisting on my mom to cuddle in the water. i always felt safe there. i could crawl right in her lap and the water was like a big blanket. i wish she had held me more in there. i remember playing mermaids and all the other typical kid things there. its a happy memory for me

the indoor one was much bigger, they had lanes and more fun splash pads and a slide. i remember how the stairs felt all cold and grimy and sandy as i jogged up them. my legs always hurt after it, but i had fun. the showers here were massive. for some reason old women would get absolutely butt naked there. it was only one wrong 90* turn to see ten fully naked grandmas lathering up in the pink soap out of the wall dispensers. i'm not even sure they ever even went in the pool. i remember a birthday party my other and much older childhood bestfriend had there. i got a little chihuahua toy as a party favor, and i slept with him every night for ages and ages. i remember playing there with my friends all the time, but it was never the outside pool. games there could be more fun, there was much more space, but there was always such a lack of natural lighting. either way, its also a happy memory for me

regardless of the pool, i always remember the showers. i had this habit of bringing the little hotel shampoo and conditioners to these things and showering fully with them. i don't know why i did that, i suppose i thought if i was going to shower i should do it properly instead of just a rinse. i'm sure nowadays i wouldn't care, but it was a whole procedure for me. i had to do it otherwise the pool day wasn't complete, and otherwise i felt sick

i have a lot of weird procedures like that, though. i guess thats normal for me. i like them, i don't find them harmful, i don't mind indulging them. i don't see why some people think its a bad thing. some people just like to keep organized, thats not a crime is it?

either way. i'm going to bed now, he's not dating anyone. i relapsed earlier again. i look forward to seeing him tomorrow. i hope hes interested in me. i don't plan on making any moves until i can see him in person and maybe reassess his feelings to me, but for now i'm just excited to leave my house for the first time in a week and actually see other people. i'm stoked.

[yakultii]

I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33