#i also said ‘my asthma feels really bad’ and she was like okay. new inhaler. new better steroid inhaler. fuck it we’re gonna toss in some

[junewild]

legit awed by how willing my doctor was to throw a $5000 anti-migraine shot at me, although she’s only prescribed it a couple times before, based purely on me saying “yeah i have awful migraines all the time & the sumatriptan is working super well but i’m going thru my whole prescription every month & i’m worried about developing a tolerance”

[writingsbychelle]

I Quit

Summary: While touring with 5 Seconds of Summer, you suddenly have a bad asthma attack, causing things to shift between you and Calum.

Pairing: Calum Hood x Reader

Request: /

Warnings: description of an asthma attack and uh,,,,smoking?

Word Count: 2.019

(A/N: actually really like this fic! thanks to Amy for proofreading this and helping me❤️)

    “Do you mind?” Calum asked, holding up a pack of cigarettes and a lighter as you both leaned against the tour bus, waiting for Luke, Ashton and Michael to finish packing up so you could head to the next destination of the tour. 

    “Not at all,” you smiled at him and tucked your phone into your back pocket before turning to look at him.

    You were currently touring with 5 Seconds of Summer as their opening act, and you guys were close to finishing the tour. After almost four months on the road, it was safe to say that you were ready to return back home and get some well-deserved rest. However, as much as you were longing to curl up in your bed and binge-watch Netflix for the rest of your life, you also never wanted this to end. The shows, the audience, spending time with the guys to whom you had grown incredibly close to over these past few weeks and overall the atmosphere of being on the bus with the band. 

    But most of all, you were going to miss your late-night talks with Calum. 

    Generally just being with Calum. 

    You had already been friends before going on tour. But ever since it had become your routine to talk outside the bus during stops, Calum usually lighting a cigarette while you took sips from your bottle of water until it was time to step back into the bus and turn in for the night. You felt even closer to him than ever before. 

    That was probably going to be the thing you’d miss the most: your bus stop routine with Calum. 

    The way his eyes shone in the streetlights, the smoke leaving his lungs in long breaths, him asking if it’s okay for him to smoke next to you despite already knowing your answer, his teasing eye-rolling whenever you’d say, “that’s gonna kill you one day,” while pointing at the cigarette resting between his plump lips.

    Him. 

    You were going to miss him. 

    Logically you knew you’d still be able to see him, especially since you only lived about 20 minutes away from him. Still, the thought of not hearing his soft snores every night and having deep conversations at random rest stops in the middle of the night ate you up on the inside. It was pretty obvious what you felt for the bassist, but admitting it was something you didn’t even dare to dream of. Especially while you were still on tour and it could create unnecessary tensions between you, him and the band. Still, you couldn’t help but wish for things to be easier, for the tour life to go on forever and for you to spend the rest of your life with the man leaning against the bus next to you.

    “What are you thinking about?” Calum ripped you out of your thoughts.

    Shrugging your shoulders, you replied, “I’m gonna miss this.”

    “Me too,” he took another drag of his cigarette, “touring is always so much fun; it’s hard to believe it’s almost over.”

    “That’s not what I meant,” you mumbled, hoping he wouldn’t hear you.

    No such luck, Calum raised his eyebrows, silently asking you what you were hinting at. Before you had the opportunity to embarrass yourself, you heard loud voices coming towards you, Luke and Michael arguing about God knows what while Ashton was following his bandmates, typing something into his phone before tucking it away when he saw Calum and you leaning against the tour bus.

    “We’re all packed up and ready to go,” Ashton informed you after Luke and Michael had already disappeared into the bus.

    “We’ll join you in a minute,” Calum answered, holding up his cigarette for Ashton to see.

    “No rush,” he teasingly winked in your direction as he walked up the few steps into the bus.

    Ashton was the only one out of the four guys that knew about your crush on Calum. He had figured it out some time ago while you were touring in Europe and since he had become like a brother to you, you had approached him and asked for advice. The drummer had told you just to follow your gut feeling, which at first sounded like shit advice to you but the more you thought about it, the gladder you were for his ‘words of wisdom’.

    Before you managed to get lost in thought once again, Calum exhaled one last smoke cloud, putting out his cigarette before asking, “Ready to head inside?”

    Just as you opened your mouth to answer him, you were hit with the smoke he had blown out just a few seconds before. The moment you breathed in the smoke, you felt your throat closing in and began coughing violently.

    “(Y/N)? Is everything alright?” Calum asked, but you weren’t able to answer him, your chest tightening and you gasped for breath, feeling almost like someone was squeezing all the air out of you.

    “I-,” you tried taking a deep breath, which just ended in another coughing attack, “c-can’t...breathe.”

    Black dots started dancing in front of your eyes, vision blurring as you continued to gasp for breath. Calum helped you sit down, opening your water bottle for you and urging you to take a sip while yelling for someone to call an ambulance. All of this you didn’t notice, too busy trying to get at least some oxygen into your lungs. The water helped slightly, but you were still wheezing, coughing and gasping for breath. Out of the corner of your eyes, you saw Luke rush out of the tour bus, phone pressed against his ear. Your throat felt tighter and tighter with every passing second, and the last thing you saw before passing out, was Calum looking at you, eyes full of fear.

    That night the ambulance had taken you to the nearest hospital. The second they arrived, the paramedic had pressed an oxygen mask against your face, helping you breathe as you were loaded into the vehicle. You had woken up after a few moments of being unconscious, still barely able to breathe. Calum sat right next to you, your head in his lap, him holding onto your hands and speaking reassuring words to you. You didn’t really understand any of them, but the sound of his voice and his presence were enough to help you calm down a little bit. Once you were on the stretcher, you had asked if Calum could come with you, and apparently, the paramedics decided to make an exception and let him ride with you in the ambulance, holding your hand the entire time until you were wheeled into the examination room. 

    After a few tests, you finally got a result: asthma. The smoke from Calum’s cigarette had caused quite a bad asthma attack, but luckily the doctor had told you if you kept an inhaler at you at all times, the chances of having another attack that bad were pretty slim. With the diagnosis, and the advice to take it a bit slow the next few days, you were released. All four guys of 5 Seconds of Summer were waiting for you and crowded around you once they saw you walk into the waiting room.

    “So…I have asthma apparently,” you shrugged, holding up the inhaler you were given.

    “You’ll be alright, though, right?” Ashton asked.

    Nodding your head, you replied, “Yeah. The doctor said to take it easy, and if I feel like my throat is closing in again, I’ll just have to use the inhaler, and it should be fine. She also said that I could finish the tour, so that’s good news too.”

    “Thank god,” you heard Calum mumble as the others cheered, pulling into a group hug.

   Only two weeks later, the tour had officially come to an end. 

   To celebrate the great success of it, you gathered at Michael’s house together with the people that had helped make the tour possible. You had been wandering around the house for some time now, trying to find a certain bassist, but so far you had no success. After feeling like you had checked every inch of the house, you decided to go into the backyard, wanting to catch some fresh air and hoping to find Calum out there, maybe having a smoke and trying to get a few moments away from everyone himself. 

   Calum had felt distant lately. 

   Ever since your little hospital scare, he hadn’t really been spending time with you. No more late-night talks outside of the tour bus while waiting for the guys to finish up or while the bus needed to refuel. You were scared you had done or said something wrong, and after going over it with Ashton, you finally got the courage to confront him and ask him what was going on. Opening the door, you took a step outside, inhaling the chilly night air and letting out a sigh—finally some fresh air. You let your eyes drift around the backyard until you finally spotted Calum sitting underneath a tree that was decorated with some fairy lights. 

   “No cigarette?” you asked as you approached him.

   His head shot up upon hearing your voice, obviously ripping him from his thoughts.

   “No...I’m...I quit.”

   “You quit? Smoking?” you sat down next to him, his body visibly tensing as you did.

   “Cal...what’s going on?”

   “What do you mean?”

   You sighed, “I mean, that you’ve been avoiding me since my asthma attack two weeks ago. And now you apparently quit smoking? What’s going on, Cal? Did I-did I do something wrong?”

   Tears were rising in your eyes, afraid that something you did, something you were unaware of, had ruined your friendship with the bassist.

   “(Y/N), no. No. You did nothing wrong. It’s just-fuck,” he ran a hand over his buzzcut in frustration and whispered, “I’m the reason for your asthma attack.”

   “Cal…it wasn’t your fau-”

   “Yes, it was! I was smoking next to you and the smoke caused your attack.”

   “The smoke might’ve been the reason for the asthma attack but I had asthma before! If anything, I should be thanking you right now because if it hadn’t been for you and your smoking I probably never would’ve known I have asthma and would’ve kept wondering why I’m always coughing at night and running out of breath after singing on stage.”

   “(Y/N),” he took your face in his hands to force you to look into his eyes, “it is my fault. Whether you like it or not. I quit because I never want to see you like that, lying on the floor, gasping for breath. You-you looked like you were going to die, (Y/N). I can’t risk seeing you like that ever again, do you understand?”

   “You quit for me?” you whispered, not quite believing your ears.

   “Yeah, I did.”

   “You know you didn’t have to.”

   “I know. I wanted to. For you. And obviously also for my health,” he chuckled slightly, face slowly moving closer to yours.

   “Cal, I-”

   “Shh,” he gently shushed you before placing his lips on yours.

   His lips were warm and soft, tasting slightly of the alcoholic drink he had earlier that evening. Your hands, almost instantly and instinctively moved to the back of his neck, your nails slightly scratching his scalp in the process, causing him to let out a low groan. His lips parted slightly, his tongue slowly tracing your bottom lips, slipping inside your mouth once you parted yours. Roughly his hands grabbed onto your hips and pulled you into his lap before wrapping around your body and pulling you impossibly close. 

   A loud cheer from inside the house broke you apart, your head flipping around, afraid you had been caught, just to see everyone still busy drinking and partying inside Michael’s house.

   “You wanna go back inside?”

   Calum’s voice sounded hoarse and lower than usual.

   Shaking your head you replied, “How about we get back to my place?”

   To make your point clear, you rolled your hips, grinding against him and causing a moan to slip from Calum’s lips.

   “Sounds like a plan to me.”

Masterlist and ways to support me are in my bio, please check them out❤️

[doyelikehaggis]

oh god I want to ask abt many of ur wips but the one that v obviously stands out the most to me is valerine and the twins !! that ficlet u did for this concept with teh mb still lives in my head rent free so ofc I want to know how that fic is going. also 40 (bc what a concept !!) and/or 53 <33

I thought that would be the one that most interested you haha, of course you can know how it's going, I am very pleased that it lives rent free in your head. You obviously know the basic concept, which is that Valerie and Caroline get full custody of the twins, so we'll jump right into the snippet instead!

"I want to go for full custody." 

Valerie stops. Her hands are drenched in bubbles and soapy water, a plate in one hand and the sponge in her other. She looks more domestic than Caroline ever thought she'd see her, hair tied back loosely and wearing one of Caroline's softest plaid shirts. It's orange and pink. It's a good look on her. 

The smile that had been caught on her lips just a second ago has faded slightly as she processes what Caroline just said. In all fairness, it's a big thing to just casually throw out into a normal conversation while washing the dishes. 

"Okay," Valerie says slowly. "Um... Okay, that's a pretty big deal." She lets the plate slide back into the sink and turns to Caroline, shaking her head. "I mean, I think you should."

Caroline blinks. She was expecting a more alarmed response; usually, in tv shows and books, when one person says they want to get full custody of a kid, it's a big deal for the partner, right? They're not sure they can handle it, they're not sure their relationship will be able to get through it, all of that. 

Flat out agreement wasn't quite on the list. 

"Really?" she asks, straightening up with a surge of joyful hope. "You do? You're not -- you don't want to -- to talk about it or anything?" 

Valerie frowns, her brow wrinkling. Caroline's always liked the little crease it makes between her eyebrows. Not when she first met her, that was more satisfying, knowing she had stumped her. But recently, it's become a fond thing rather than one for her to be triumphant over. 

"Caroline, they're your kids," Valerie says. "If you want full custody of them, it's not my place to have a say in that." 

The hope is quickly pricked with a sharp little pin and bursts, deflating with a sad whistle. It weirdly stings her, too.

"That's... No, that's not how this works," Caroline says, weirdly hurt. Maybe she had been expecting a bit more hesitation surrounding the idea, but this feels worse. 

Valerie seems to be realizing that. Confused, grabs a towel from the sideboard and starts drying her hands, while she says, "It isn't?" 

"No!" Caroline laughs in disbelief. She steps forward and takes one of her partially dry hands in between both of her own. "No, it's absolutely not. Val, you are a big part of my life now. You know that, right?" 

Valerie hesitates now. Her mouth opens like she wants to agree, but her just runs along her teeth while that little crease in her eyebrows grows deeper. 

"Well, yeah," she quickly says after a moment, with Caroline's exasperated stare focused on her. "Of course I do. But I wouldn't stand in the way of any decisions you wanted to make about your kids, that's why I just thought this was more you telling me rather than something for us to talk about." 

Caroline's realizing that Valerie's response wasn't because she doesn't want to be part of the family. She just doesn't think that she is part of it. 

Which... actually hurts even more, Caroline finds. Because maybe that's on her. Has she been making her feel left out? Like she's a separate part of her life from Lizzie and Josie? That was the last thing she wanted. 

"Valerie," Caroline says seriously, and her eyes widen a little with worry. "Almost every decision that I make for my future is going to include your voice, because it's going to affect yours, too. That's what being in a relationship is, remember? So, if I tell you that I want to get full custody of Lizzie and Josie, I'm asking you to talk it through with me before anything goes ahead. Are you okay with having that conversation?" 

She has never seen Valerie look so stumped for what to say before. It's the first time they've had a conversation like this, one that's really going to affect both of them.

But even though she has that fight-or-flight, ready to flee at a moment's notice look in her eyes that she often gets, Valerie nods slowly. Then her face breaks out into a smile, and she breathes out a soft laugh, looking down. 

"Yeah," she says. "Yeah, I would love that."

Now, 40! Hope living with Jeremy! It is certainly a concept, isn't it?? This comes entirely from the start of season 2 of Legacies, when no one remembered Hope but she was sticking around Mystic Falls to help with the Malivore monsters. When watching that, my mum and I had been trying to guess who she was going to live with, because surely she wouldn't be living on her own and she couldn't stay at the school, so we came up with the theory that she was going to be living with Jeremy, who, as far as we knew, would have to have somewhere to live while he was in town. And then I decided that if she was going to be living with Jeremy, they would train together, he would help with some Malivore monsters, then they would slowly bond because Jeremy was actually kinda friends with Kol at one point. And then we have big brother Jeremy! Have a little snippet:

There's a loud thwacking noise from the back garden as Hope walks into the kitchen. She pauses momentarily in her sleepy state, registers the noise, then continues going about grabbing a bowl and her box of cereal. It's nearly empty, she finds, to her dismay. 

Once she's poured the last of the milk and tossed the carton, she opens up the back door and steps out into the garden. Her eyes adjust quickly to the darkness and hone in on the figure currently throwing a staff around at a tree like it has personally offended him.

"Are you ever worried that one day it's going to fight back?" she asks curiously. 

Jeremy startles and nearly drops the staff in his haste to turn around to face her. 

"I mean, dryads and wood nymphs are actually a thing. Just so you know. That tree might have a family that probably wouldn't appreciate you hitting it repeatedly for fun."

She spoons cereal into her mouth as Jeremy laughs. Relieved that she isn't some Malivore monster sneaking up on him, he relaxes enough to double over, hands on his knees as he breathes heavily. For someone who's not exactly unfit or unathletic, he gets out of breath incredibly easily.

Tilting her head, Hope asks, "Have you ever considered that you might be asthmatic? You breathe like one."

"And you talk like your uncle," Jeremy quips back, still laughing at her comments. He groans, straightening back up as he adds, "But yes, I do have asthma. Thanks for your concern."

Hope's heart beats a little faster. It always does when her family is mentioned, more often now than before. The urge to get on the bus and go home to them in New Orleans is still there, no matter how much she tries to ignore it. She needs to focus on Malivore's monsters. But it's hard sometimes.

She smiles to herself, wondering if he's right. She hopes so. Uncle Kol was always her favourite. The thought that she could be making him proud with just a few words fills her with a kind of happy pride she hasn't felt since Uncle Kol told her she was just like him for causing trouble at the Salvatore School. 

Then she wipes it off her face like she always does whenever he casually talks about her family, straightens up against the doorframe, and says, "Maybe you should use an inhaler, then. I wouldn't want you dropping dead while we're fighting a monster." 

"Hasn't happened yet!" 

She rolls her eyes at him, something she also finds herself doing often these days. It's easier to ignore him and continue eating her cereal while he goes back to training. Clearly, he has no concern about dryads coming after him for revenge.

"Hey, do you wanna join?" Jeremy calls over to her. 

He offers the staff out to her, but she shakes her. Motioning her cereal with her spoon, she smiles again, and says, "I'm good. Just came down for this. You have fun freezing out here, though."

She turns back inside the kitchen as Jeremy chuckles and shakes his head at her. "Good morning to you too."

53 is a good choice, I very much enjoy that one as well. "Klayley Wedding" is pretty much what it sounds like; Klaus and Hayley are together and getting married. They waited a while to do so, so Hope is seventeen and being pulled out of the Salvatore School for a few days in order to be there for it. And she's bringing a date! Here is your preview:

"Come on, humour me," Lizzie whines as she fusses with the back of Hope's hair. Why she agreed to let her style it, Hope has no idea; it was definitely a moment of bad judgment, but at the same time, it was let her do it when she begged, or be forever resented for saying no. 

And having Lizzie Laughlin-Forbes resent you is not something anyone in the Salvatore School risks. It's signing a death sentence. 

Rolling her eyes, Hope goes to shake her head then quickly stops when Lizzie holds it firmly on both sides and glares at her in the mirror. "No moving until I'm done!" she reminds her. "I haven't spelled it yet, you'll mess it up."

"Have you ever considered going into hairdressing?" Hope asks dryly, glaring back halfheartedly. Really, she doesn't mind her helping her out. 

It's at least better than her having to worry about it herself. Though, Aunt Rebekah is not going to be happy that she didn't let her do it. It's why she's practically been avoiding her since getting to New Orleans. 

Lizzie laughs shortly, then says, "Nice try. You're not wriggling out of the question."

Hope doesn't admit that's what she was trying to do, but it definitely was the intention. Lizzie has been a broken record since she found out that Hope was bringing a date to the wedding. At first, she was offended that Hope hadn't asked her, but then saw Hope's reasoning when she pointed out that she and Josie were already going to be there because of their mom.

"It's not a big deal!" Hope says, finally at least acknowledging the question. 

Lizzie scoffs. "Oh, of course not. Except, it absolutely is, and you know that it definitely is to Rafael. You basically asked him to meet your family, Hope. That's a big deal to most people."

"Not to you or Josie." 

"We've known your family since we were born!" Lizzie protests. She stops whatever she was doing to Hope's hair to stare at her in the mirror. "Rafael is head over heels in love with you, any person with barely working eyes -- or ears -- knows that. Except you, apparently!"

Hope shakes her head, once again forgetting Lizzie's rule. Lizzie quickly holds her head in place again, but she's too focused on the conversation at hand to lecture her again. 

"Maybe this is your way of letting him down without having to actually tell him!" Lizzie continues, obviously trying to get under her skin. "After all, you've invited him to meet your family, who are probably going to threaten him at every turn. Especially your dad, because of the whole macho alpha werewolf thing, you know?"

"My mom's actually the Alpha of the pack, not my dad," Hope corrects, but Lizzie brushes it off.

"After today, Rafael's probably not going to have any feelings for you anymore out of fear of your family, so, really, you won't have to do anything. I mean, it's smart -- a little cruel, but at least you don't have to do any of the hard work yourself, that's all up to your family--" 

"You make them sound terrifying," Hope protest with a touch of offence to her voice, staring up at Lizzie in the mirror. "They're not that bad. I actually think they'll like Raf." 

Lizzie raises an eyebrow. She's smiling.

"Is that because you want them to like him?" she asks slowly, and Hope groans, but Lizzie quickly presses on before she can interrupt, "Just admit you asked him to be your date because you like him!" 

"If I do, will you shut up and finish my hair so that we can go and meet Josie and Raf?" 

Lizzie lights up like a Christmas tree. She squeals excitedly, even though Hope technically hasn't even admitted anything yet. She's taking it as all the confirmation she needs. 

"I like him," Hope says anyway, and maybe she's smiling a little as well. "And yes, it would be convenient for me if my parents liked him before anything happened between us." 

"I knew it," Lizzie breathes out, shaking her head. She picks back up where she left off with Hope's hair as if nothing happened. "Now that that's over. Tell me, would your Aunt Rebekah mind if I borrowed that really gorgeous emerald bracelet she showed us yesterday?" 

Hope is laughing. Lizzie can't seem to figure out why, but honestly, Hope's just so happy in the moment that she can't help herself. For a moment on the way over to New Orleans, when everyone was packed onto that bus, shouting and arguing, she thought this was going to be a disaster. Someone would end up killing someone. 

There's still time for that, especially since neither she nor her mom have told her dad that she has a date. But Hope is finally living up to her name for once and is choosing to be hopeful that, actually, maybe everything is allowed to go right for once. 

God, writing those snippets took me so long, so apologies for the delay! But I actually enjoyed this a lot so thank you so much for giving me motivation! Who knows, I might actually finish writing them now! (God, now all I can think about is TVD and Legacies, I haven’t been here in ageeeees. Time to rewatch TVD season 1-6 and season 2 of Legacies, I think.)  

[spookysanta]

can’t breathe. (g.d.) (BLURB)

Summary: she’s having an asthma attack in the middle of the night and grayson saves the day

Pairing: Grayson Dolan x asthmatic!reader

WARNINGS: asthma attack, i guess; and bad writing obvs bc i suck

OKAY SO i’ve had two asthma attacks in the last two days and today when i had one i thought i was going to die. and all i wanted was my lil boo to come and make me feel better 🥺🥺 so i wrote about it and now i’m UPSET bc i had to do all this shit by myself. the ghetto. ALSO this is really bad sorry :(

***

“Hey,” she coughed. “Hey, Grayson.”

He didn’t stir. It was about three in the morning and they’d just gotten back from a late flight from New Jersey. She sat up from her spot against his chest, patting the spot there incessantly to wake him as she felt her chest start to tighten.

“Grayson.” She coughed again.

He grumbled in his sleep, blinking awake. In a daze, he muttered, “What?”

“I can’t breathe.”

He was wide awake then. “What?” He repeated for clarification.

She began to pant, feeling her chest begin to tighten more and panic setting in. “I can’t... I can’t..”

“Okay, okay, let’s sit you up, then.” He sat the two of them up in his bed, then leaned over and turned on the lamp on his nightstand. He looked at her. Her eyes were wide as she clutched the collar of her shirt. “Do you have your inhaler?”

She felt like she was going to faint. She didn’t dare speak, so she shook her head. She didn’t think she’d need it! She never does. So when she packed her toiletries to stay the night at the Dolan’s house for the night, she didn’t think it was a big deal to bring it with her.

Clearly she was wrong.

He thought for a moment. His own inhaler was...somewhere around here. But he couldn’t seem to find it over the course of the last few days; so the only thing they can do is manage. “Okay, mama.” He spoke slowly and calmly, “here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get you some tea, alright? And I’m gonna find my inhaler while you sip on that.”

She nodded in a agreement.

“But you need to try and calm down.” He guided her to sit against the headboard of the bed with her back flat against the wood. He wrapped her up in a blanket that was set on his desk. “I’m gonna go and get you some tea. Lemon or chamomile?”

She rasped, “Lemon.”

He heard her labored breathing and knew that the asthma attacks she gets can sometims get much, much worse before they get any better. The first time he’d help her come down from an asthma attack, she’d passed out.

And he was terrified.

So now, at least he knows how not to let it get that far; but he still worries about her immensely whenever she tells him that she felt her breathing stagger.

He rushed to get her tea, making sure to drop a cough drop into her tea to soothe her throat from her coughing. He came back into his bedroom and sat next to her on his bed. He noticed that her breaths were getting more ragged than they were a few minutes before. “Here, love.” He put the mug in her hands. “Be careful, it’s pretty warm.”

She took the spoon in the mug, scooping some tea into its bowl and sipping. She swallowed and let out a sigh.

“How does that feel?” He asked her.

“A bit better.” She stopped to cough again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baby.” He kissed her forehead.

She sipped her tea slowly and allowed Grayson to get up and rummage through various bags for what she desperately needed. She kept clearing her throat.

“Stop that.” He reminded her simply. “You know that can make it worse.”

“My throat hurts.”

“I know, I know. Keep sipping on your tea. I’m trying to find what you need.”

He finally managed to find his inhaler in the never-ending abyss that is his gym bag. He wiped the spout on his shirt (just in case anything random got on it whilst in the bag), and handed it to her. “Do you want to do it?” She shook her head, putting the mug on the nightstand next to her and crawling into his lap with all her might. He should’ve known she would’ve wanted him to do it for her; he tends to baby her when she’s not feeling well. He held the inhaler’s spout to her mouth, “Deep exhale.”

She obliged.

He puffed the medicine into her mouth as she inhaled as deeply as she could. He did another puff of the medicine before putting the inhaler next to her mug and wrapping his arms tight around her. He peppered kisses all over her cheeks. “Feel a bit better?” He asked after a few moments of hearing her breathing slow.

“Yeah.” She replied quietly.

He quickly said a “thank you” in his head to the Big Guy because these things can go downhill very quickly for her, and he was so grateful that this wasn’t one of those times where things got worse. “Thank you for taking care of me, bubba. I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Don’t be sorry, honey. The last thing I’d ever want is for you to feel as though you have to go through these things alone. But can you please promise me to remember to keep your inhaler with you?”

“Yeah. I will.” She tilted her head up and kissed his scruffy jaw. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

[exeggcute]

glad to know you are mostly recovered from covid! if i may ask, could you describe how where your symptoms or at what pace you got them? the information i've got from both medical / govermental sources in my country is contradictory at times. also, what would you recommend drinking if i found myself to be with covid?

first off: WATER!!! drink water!!! I mean you can probably drink whatever as long as it’s moderately healthy and you’re staying hydrated (my drink of choice while sick is red gatorade. it has to be red or it doesn’t work though) but water is always a safe bet

also I’m happy to share my experience, just know that (1) I am not a doctor, just a professional Sick Person and (2) I never officially got tested thanks to a shortage of coronavirus tests in my area, but I’m pretty damn sure my symptoms were aligned with covid-19, so take that as you will

the first thing I noticed was a sore throat... but I have sore throats allll the time because of my other health issues, so I didn’t think much of it. I did start to notice my sore throat was getting better (from a previous mystery illness that knocked me out for a few days, and which I initially thought was strep but was probably just a bad cold) before suddenly getting bad again. I also had a day where my sore throat was especially pronounced and I had that Really Tired Feeling you get when you’re sick. I guess we can call that day one, but at this point I definitely didn’t think I had corona

that night I noticed some chest tightness, which I initially wrote off as an anxiety attack (and considering my extremely anxious personality and the fact that we were battening down the hatches for a pandemic, that seemed like a fair assumption) but using my inhaler didn’t help--in fact, it made the pain worse! but it did pass eventually, more or less, and I forgot about it

(side note here that if you think you have corona, do NOT use your albuterol inhaler or any kind of steroid inhaler unless you’re having a legit asthma attack with wheezing and all the works. using your inhaler can make the corona symptoms worse, but obviously if you need to use it then it’s important to keep using it. consult your doctor. also another similar note: if you think you have it, stay away from most NSAIDs if you can, as those can also make things worse. tylenol is okay though as long as you’re careful about the dosage--not as a corona thing, you just always need to be careful with tylenol dosage. and it’ll help keep your fever down, which is important!)

then over the next day or two I noticed the chest pain flare-ups but wrote those off as well. they were short-lived and mainly seemed to happen at night, but the inhaler always made them worse. around this time I also started experiencing some general GI upset for a few days (not to get too into that...), but I have a very touchy digestive track and was taking antibiotics at the same for other unrelated reasons, so I was like “well it’s probably nothing” but was starting to get worried.

then about five days later, the chest tightness really made itself present. like, it lasted all day and was constant. I was concerned but not immediately freaking out, and it was really windy that day so I kind of chalked it up to allergies, but as a very allergic person I’ve never had chest tightness like that from allergies (and my other allergic symptoms have improved considerably since I started allergy shots, so it would be weird to have a new symptom crop up out of nowhere like that).

then the next day, and the next day, the tightness wasn’t going away. this was clearly not allergies. I started to seriously think about corona tests, and I even called my primary care doctor, but she was extremely dismissive (all she did was call in a prescription for an old allergy drug that never even worked for me in the first place) and it was downright impossible to get tested. I was freaked out, but not entirely sure.

it’s about day seven at this point, and the chest tightness is in full swing. when I first wake up, the pain isn’t really present, but after about an hour of wakefulness my chest starts to get tight, congested, and kind of has that rattle-y feeling when it’s full of mucus and crap from the postnasal drip. not much congestion otherwise, but I’m so hopped up on antihistamines at all times that I don’t really get congested in general. the best way I can describe the chest tightness is that it feels like when I exert myself and my asthma makes my chest seize up and it’s hard to catch my breath (aka every single PE class I was ever forced to take as a kid), but my inhaler doesn’t do shit. my throat is still hurting pretty bad too and I feel vaguely fevery, but I don’t have a working thermometer at home. overall I just feel shitty, like that feeling you have when you know you’re sick (and I get sick a lot so I’m pretty well-versed in that lol). for quarantine purposes, this is the day I’ve been counting as the “first day” of having obvious corona symptoms, but it was really predated by the things I described above.

several days pass like this, I keep trying to get tested and call all sorts of places but it’s all dead ends. I also develop a slight cough, which mostly comes in bursts or when I speak/eat. by day twelve I manage to get a primary care appointment, and they do an EKG to make sure it’s not cardiac pain (the EKG came back fine) and a throat swab to see if it’s something bacterial (it’s not). they do confirm I’m running a slight fever, although my body temperature is usually so low that even a fever of 99 is high for me. my primary care doc basically tells me to fuck off and stay home, which I was already planning on doing. she also didn’t even wear a mask or gloves to look into my throat, despite the fact that all the other nurses in the practice were wearing masks and gloves when they interacted with patients... so I’m not exactly full of confidence in her judgement here.

the night of day thirteen, the day after seeing my doctor, I have a night where I can’t sleep because my airway feels restricted (both in my chest and my actual throat being swollen from pain). I used my inhaler, like a fool, and when the inhaler didn’t help the first time I tried using it two more times. big mistake! I ended up lying awake gasping for air, taking huge gulps just to feel like I was getting the teeniest bit of oxygen, and feeling stabbing pain when I took these deep breaths. I was too afraid to sleep and almost made my girlfriend drive me to the ER but I hate going to the ER so instead I just tried to calm down until I got exhausted enough to fall asleep around dawn. I also kept alternating between sweating buckets and shivering to death, no matter how I kept adjusting the temperature and my blankets, so I assume I was having a crazy fever that night.

the next day, roughly day fourteen, I decided to suck it up and go to the ER to get a chest x-ray. they said my x-ray looked fine, which was encouraging (hopefully no permanent lung damage there), and they took a flu swab and a strep swab just to rule those out (both negative, of course). at least two other people were there with me in the ER complaining of similar symptoms, but they didn’t have any tests for us so the doctor just told me to go home, act as if I had it, and keep taking tylenol and drinking water. this doctor is also the one who told me to stop using my inhaler--and the fact that my inhaler kept making the pain worse is one of the things that really tips me off here that I probably had it.

things are pretty much uneventful for the next week: still having a tight chest, a fever that seems to come and go, sore throat, cough. no more crazy attacks like that one night.

by day nineteen (yesterday) I start to notice a bit of improvement in my chest pain. it’s not gone, but it’s not as bad and I’ll have slight reprieves from the tightness. today is day twenty (more or less, my numbers are a little rough here) and I actually felt okay most of the day. by the evening the tightness returned and I’m still coughing every now and then, but far less often. I think the fever is gone and my throat doesn’t hurt too bad, either! I’m well past the point of being contagious, so I actually went to the grocery store today and got a few things. I’m not totally out of the woods yet, but I think (knock on fucking wood) the worst has passed.

anyway, I hope my anecdote is helpful for you, and I hope you stay safe and healthy!

[sparrow-ink]

covid diaries aka memoirs of the plague

trying to keep my thoughts organized and coherent has been a bitch recently, so i’m going to try to put them down more or less in order here and see where we end up. this is going to be heavy on personal covid content and might get long, so please skip if either distresses you.

so last tues, the uh... 24th i guess, i started feeling ill. mostly like allergies plus a bad headache. i had a feeling i was getting sick but didn’t want to alarm my spouse or housemate/best friend, so stuck with ‘could very well be allergies and dehydration.’ also it very well could have been, and it was very reassuring for us all to tell each other that. my company had already moved the majority of employees to work-from-home, including me, so i already wasn’t going to come into contact with anyone outside my home.

symptoms got worse over the next few days, congestion, headache, feeling feverish, cough started up. we didn’t own a thermometer, and my spouse and housemate tried every wal-mart, wal-greens, target, etc to find one. housemate said at one place they laughed at her when she asked if they had any. i tried ordering one on amazon with no luck. either they were $90+, out of stock, or not shipping until may. i settled on ordering on for shipment in may. the seller messaged me the next day and said they couldn’t fulfill the order and asked to cancel it.

from our last costco trip we had already (unintentionally) gotten stocked up on toilet paper, snacks, and some dry goods. at some point before I got sick, spouse and I bought a bag of rice and bag of potatoes, because I intermittently try to do mealprepping and seemed being stuck at home would be a good time to try again, what with national and state-wide states of emergency being declared. also seemed good to have them in supply. and we were still stocked up on cold and flu medecine from when i got bronchitis mid-dec to mid-jan. so we were/are pretty well-stocked on essentials? that was reassuring, as i was obviously, noticeably sick by last friday.

i was hoping i would get better over the weekend but i did not. still couldn’t find a thermometer anywhere. governor had issued the state-wide stay-at-home order on uh...thurs? weds? but already being sick, and already working from home, and not going out, it didn’t really affect me much?

i feel like i should mention at this point that since the state of emergency was declared and we started to transition to working from home, i’d been trying to ration my social media (tumblr/twitter/insta) time for my sanity. but also not having information makes me feel helpless, so i had the CDC covid page up and checked every day. and then the colorado state covid page too. seeing the numbers of confirmed cases double, and triple, from week to week was... hm.

also one of my younger siblings moved from colorado to arizona at the start of march, and presumably lost their phone because i haven’t heard from them since despite poking. that hasn’t been concerning during a global pandemic. not at all. they’re probably not dead. i mean, you’d think a bitch could call their older sibling to let them know they’re not dead, but whatever. i’m sure they’re fine. probably. anyway.

where was i. so by the weekend i was Not Feeling Well At All Actually. my cough had become “scary.” my housemate did all the dishes in the kitchen despite not being responsible for most of them. i felt, and sounded, disgusting.

i checked the covid testing requirements again, and basically found that in colorado you had to be dying to be tested for covid. cool.

monday rolled around, still not better. i ended up having work computer issues (their end, not mine) where i basically ended up laying on the couch in my office while IT did IT things. a blessing. i slogged through the rest of the day. just felt like i wasn’t tracking well, couldn’t focus on shit. that evening while watching shows with husbeast & housemate, i had a truly uncontrollable coughing spasm/fit that seemed to just go on. could barely talk without coughing. i coughed all night. i basically didn’t sleep.

tuesday morning i woke up, and started coughing again. i could hear a crackle echo up my throat when i breathed if i was in the right position. i sat up to try and get my breath. i think it was like 6 am. spouse creature (already awake from my coughing) gently rubbed my back. i started crying. i just wanted to sleep, and i couldn’t sleep, and i couldn’t stop coughing, and i felt like i could barely breathe, and things just hurt, and i couldn’t think straight. i felt so... defeated. i think it freaked out the spouse creature. i usually only cry during children’s movies.

i took the day off of work. i hadn’t taken a day yet because i was already working from home, and it was the end of the month which is the busiest for my team, and my boss had said last week that if i felt i could work, they needed me. by tuesday morning i was out of energy and also fucks. i got in the queue for a teladoc appointment. per the CDC and colorado covid websites, telehealth visits are to be the first option in order to help prevent the spread, etc. also i would have done teladoc anyway bc i don’t have a PCP.

it took a few hours to get connected with a doctor. i think i started coughing while he did his intro thing. he basically said, well i think i know what you’re calling about, but why don’t you tell me. i told him. and coughed some more. he said my symptoms are consistent with covid, and in a perfect world they’d be able to get me in for rapid testing, but they couldn’t. that basically people are only getting tested at this point who are getting admitted to the hospital. some people were able to access testing through their PCPs but even that was drying up. he advised me to self-isolate (already on it lol) and for my household to self-quarantine for at least two weeks from when i started showing symptoms. and i could un-self-isolate once the majority of my symptoms calmed down AND when i didn’t have a fever for three days straight with no meds. he prescribed me an inhaler and a cough suppressant pill, though he said the cough suppressant might not do much since it didn’t seem to be working for anyone else with similar.

husbeast had run out to get some more supplies by the time i got on the vidcall with the doc, mostly liquids and electrolytes. he went back out once i gave him the rundown, to fill my prescription and get me the good costco chicken soup once they were open. he also, miracle of miracles, managed to find and buy a temporal thermometer at costco for like $45 i think. a true champion. my temp seemed to be fine in the afternoon, a touch above normal but fine. i’m not actually sure what my personal base temperature is. i should also say that i’d been consistently taking dayquil and sudafed since the previous weds.

that evening my temp started to go up. and up. or at least i think it was tuesday night. maybe it was weds? freaked out spouse, i got up to 102 F even with sudafed and additional acetaminophen. i basically had a fever from tues through this morning (friday), while taking pills like clockwork. always seemed to get worse in the afternoon/evening and be better in the morning. today at least it’s stayed below 100F, even mostly below 99F.

the cough and difficulty breathing has been the worst part. i have delicate baby lungs to begin with, and i have allergies and a history of childhood asthma. so i’m already paranoid about my breathing even with a normal cold. but to hear that i would have to immediately proceed to emergency services should my symptoms progress to: can only get a few words out, can’t stand up or walk across the room, can’t maintain conciousness, to hear that was... something. because then it’s basically like, okay, if I get pneumonia and my lungs are filling up, then i can go see a doctor in person. cool. and i know it says on the websites that there’s no approved treatment for coronavirus, that treatment for less severe cases will be the same at home as it would be in person, but shit. i woke up so many times last night feeling like i was fighting for air, waking up because i was coughing so hard i had to sit up all the way to breathe, and i kept thinking, what if i just stop breathing in my sleep? not like i would notice, right?

it’s been scary. i’ve been trying not to freak out my people with more crying and whatnot, but i’ve already got anxiety and this shit aint helping. i’m trying to stay relatively calm and not make them deal with me losing my shit on top of already taking care of me and bringing me soup and water and pills and asking what they can do for me. i’m tired of being sick. i want a new pair of lungs. i want to not feel like i’ve been hit by a truck. my ribs hurt from coughing so much. my chest hurts. my whole body aches. the headache keeps coming and going. i can’t stop fucking coughing. i don’t want to die, i just want to maybe go into a coma and wake up when this is all over. once the line of dump trucks has stopped running me over.

and i’m just so mad at the lack of preparedness in the US. i’m so pissed that i can’t even get tested, i can’t know for sure what the fuck is happening to me. i’m so mad that the cheeto is president during this. i hate this fucking timeline. i hate that we don’t even have clear numbers on cases because of mismanagement. i hate that i keep feeling like i’m about to throw up because i’m coughing so fucking hard. real fucking reassuring to know that the symptoms i’ve been told to watch for, to know that i need to go to the hospital, are the same ones that constitute an emergency and would mean that i would basically have to be rushed there. wearing a facemask if we can find one.

ugh. the other worst part is that i haven’t even been really coherent enough to write. and i’ve only been able to settle on a few things to read and watch. being sick makes me picky and like, impossible to please. so i’m spoiled for choice with 4+ streaming services, but nothing sounds good. and my people are working from home, but they’re still working. they can’t spend all their time with me. i’m bored, and everything is garbage, and there are only so many times i can rewatch the princess bride. i have been napping quite a lot, but even that doesn’t take all day.

maybe i’ll write some crackfic. then it doesn’t have to be coherent. and it would be in the spirit of covid to write some real absurd shit i think.

anyway. i might delete this later. i feel better for getting events put down and venting.  also i apologize, i have no idea how to do a readmore cut on tumblr anymore.

[justasp0rk]

Dime

Hey! Been a hot minute since I’ve post any of my work, so have this angsty reddie one shot! Basically, this is what happens after Eddie’s first experience with Pennywise.

AO3 link here! _______________________________________

Eddie carefully stepped over the small stones that were laid across the river down in the Barrens, the forced balance making his limbs finally stop shaking. He wasn’t sure what he saw, back at the Nielbolt house, he didn’t even know if that person- that leper- could even be considered alive in the state that it was in.

And the clown…

Cold water splashed on his ankle, tearing Eddie out of his thoughts as he furrowed his brows at the rocks beneath him. Balance, balance, balance…

‘In world war two, when Jews and others were sent to concentration camps, they would be given patches to indicate what was wrong with them by the Nazis standards.’

Balance, balance, balance…

‘The Jews, of course, were given a star of David to wear. The upside down triangle would be colored based on criteria that the Nazis had, non Jews simply just getting an upside down triangle. Red for political enemy,’

Balance, balance, balance.

‘Purple for foreigners,’

Eddie felt his eyes sting with unshed tears.

'And a pink upside down triangle for homosexuals.’

He felt his foot slip on a patch of moss, falling into the stream with a high pitched yelp. Eddie quickly stood back up, stumbling over his feet and laces as he rushed back to shore, shaking hands shoving his inhaler into his mouth. That’s what they were learning the final few days of school, that’s what the teacher was talking about, and the clown… the clown…

Eddie puffed the medicine into his lungs, taking in a heaving breath as he collapsed on the dying grass. It didn’t mean anything, it didn’t mean anything. Eddie was just seeing things because of his new pills, that’s all it was, he just hadn’t adjusted to the medication yet.

Still, he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks and drop onto the grass, nose scrunched as he sniffled. Eddie wasn’t sick, his mom was trying to hard to keep him a healthy boy, he wasn’t sick.

“Eds?”

Eddie shot back up on his feet, quickly wiping away the tears on his face with his forearm, pretending to be exceedingly interested in the trees. If he saw a bird, he could tell Stan, it would be easy to say he was just trying to help Stan, make him feel better after he seemed so shaky the other day.

A hand landed on Eddie’s shoulder, and, although expected, still made him jump. He turned and was greeted with his smiling, bucked toothed friend with glasses that were all too blocky and eyes that were a little too big. Richie took in Eddie’s appearance, tapping his wet shirt with a laugh.

“Grey water, my good sir!” He called out, his British Guy voice in full effect. “Why, I can’t believe I’ve found master Kaspbrak wondering in the Barrens all by his lonesome, let alone splashing in that blasted grey water!” Richie lifted Eddie’s arms, absentmindedly looking for scrapes and bruises as he talked. Falling into habit. “The stream itself reeks of the anal proceedings of Derrys residents-”

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie snapped, feeling a little woozy. “The stream is all freshwater, fuck off with your bullshit!” He tore his arm away from Richie, glaring at him, but he was honestly glad that the boy stopped by. Eddie wasn’t sure he wanted to be alone.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” Richie snapped back, grinning. “I mean, I personally know she loves a filthy mouth, Eds, but how did you know that?” Eddie gagged, shoving Richie away from him.

“Don’t talk about my mommy like that!” Eddie crossed his arms, frowning at Richie. “What the fuck do you want?”

Richie’s expression turned somber. “Felt lonely in the house, came down here and found you,” He winked. “My favorite pasta.”

Eddie ignored the way his cheeks warmed at the stupid nickname. He didn’t want to think about that right now, not after what happened. “Didn’t mean you had to bother me.”

“But you were here!” Richie threw his arms around Eddie, lifting him into the air as the boy kicked and yelled in protest. “Why wouldn’t I bother you, my love? It’s the thing I’m best at!”

“The thing you’re best at is running your fucking mouth!” Eddie hit Richie’s back repeatedly, hating the fact he was biting back a smile, that he wanted to lightly giggle at the shenanigans. “Put me down!”

Richie shrugged, laughing loudly. “Okay!”

Eddie yelped as Richie dropped him without warning, landing harshly on the grass. He sat up, shaking the leaves out of his hair as he stuck his tongue out at Richie.

“You suck!”

Richie snickered, eyes flashing with something Eddie didn’t quite recognize. “For a dime? Sure.”

Eddie felt his stomach drop, about to open his mouth to question Richie before he felt a hand in his hair, gently ruffling it around. His foul mouthed friend sat down in front of him, wide smile showing off his infamous bucked teeth. The edges of Richie’s eyes were crinkled while he lightly laughed, freckles on his nose scrunched with his ears tinged red. Eddie relaxed almost immediately, giggling at himself for being so stupid. Richie said shit like that all the time, sexual innuendos, it was just a coincidence. He didn’t know.

“Lighten up, Eds, the R man is here!” Richie pinched Eddie’s cheek, earning himself a slap to the hand as Eddie tried to calm his fit of giggles.

“Shut up, beep beep, zip it!” Eddie called, flicking Richie’s nose. The boy recoiled with an amused look of surprise, lightly tapping where Eddie’s fingernails had hit. That did not help with his laughter, thank you very much.

“I’ve been blessed,” Richie whispered in awe, looking back at Eddie with wide eyes. “Pasta has blessed me.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, mumbling yet another 'beep beep’ at Rich. A part of him knew it was odd, that Richie hadn’t stopped talking after the phrase had been uttered, but some days he was just extremely chatty. Nothing could really be done because of it, it was just Richie being Richie.

The two both laughed among themselves, Eddie feeling light, thoughts far away from what he saw at the Nielbolt house. Richie calmed down before Eddie did, surprisingly, staring at him with a small smile and something in his eyes that made Eddie’s chest feel just that much more tight. Not in a bad way, like how his asthma made him feel, but in a… warm way. It was a warm feeling, it was good. Eddie startled a bit when Richie grabbed his hand, lips set in a tight line.

“Eds?” He sounded reluctant. Scared. Eddie squeezed his hand, a little gesture that was always nice between the two. The sudden shift in atmosphere made his laughter disappear in an instant, able to tell that Richie- for once- wasn’t joking around.

“Yeah, Rich?”

Richie picked at the dry grass with his free hand, refusing to meet Eddie’s eyes. “Is it bad to… like…” He curled in on himself ever so slightly. “Boys?”

Eddie blanked, his heartbeat quickening in his chest as he stared at his best friend. “Erm…”

His mommy had always said bad things about boys who like boys, or girls who liked girls, but… his mommy also said Richie was a bad friend. Not everything she said was true, he didn’t have to listen just because she said it.

“Why?”

Settling for a question wasn’t a bad thing. If Richie was trying to tell him something, Eddie wanted to have the right response.

“Because I think…” Richie took a deep breath. “I think I might… like boys…” He looked up at Eddie, brown eyes panicked. “Am I sick, Eddie? Do you- Do you think the Losers will hate me? Am I-” Richie was shaking at this point. “Am I sick?”

Eddie grabbed Richie’s other hand, squeezing them both as he adamantly shook his head. “No, no, you’re not sick, you’re not.” He reassured, dropping one of Richie’s hands in favor of cupping his cheek with the best smile he could muster. “You’re my best friend, you tell shitty jokes, and you make everyone laugh. Who…” Eddie glanced down at their joined hands, suddenly hyper aware of how their skin felt against each other, how warm Richie’s hands were, how muggy the summertime air was.

How fast his heart was beating.

“Who cares if you like boys?” Eddie finished, looking sheepishly back up at Richie. His friend was red in the face, glasses askew on his nose.

“Hey, Eddie?” Richie’s voice was much softer now, the boy leaning closer to Eddie.

“Yeah, Rich?” Eddie whispered, excitement and adrenaline and fear all coursing through him. Was he really going to…? Were they actually…?

Richie’s lips ghosted over Eddie’s, almost a promise of a kiss, a promise of what every older boy talked about at school, talked about how amazing it was. But it was just a promise, one Eddie couldn’t find himself to lean just an inch closer to.

He heard Richie mumble something, Eddie’s eyes fluttering open.

“Huh?” His brain was foggy, everything moving slowly. But in this moment? Well, that wasn’t a bad thing at all, Eddie thought he could sit here with Richie for hours at a time with how he felt.

“For a dime,” Richie repeated, voice barely above a murmur. “Gotta give me a dime, Eds.”

Eddie’s brows scrunched in confusion, hand falling from Richie’s face. “What do you…?” His heart leaping into his throat, Eddie scrambled backwards, back hitting the rough bark of a tree. Richie was smiling at him, his teeth crooked and eyes sunken in.

“A dime, Eds,” Richie said again, slowly crawling toward Eddie. “I’ll do it for a dime, I’ll do anything you want for a dime.”

Eddie felt a sob catch in his throat, hundreds- no, thousands- of balloons rising from the stream behind Richie, blotting out the sun and sky. Richie smelled absolutely foul, like rotten flesh and spoilt eggs and death. How did he not notice that before?

“Don’t you know what happens to boys like us, Eddie?” Drool started to drip from Richie’s almost nonexistent lips, nothing but skin separating his teeth now from the summer breeze. “Don’t you know what happens to boys like you?”

Slowly, a small set of pink balloons floated in front of the red, what was just a jumble of them randomly spread combining into a triangle.

An upside down triangle.

Eddie felt a scream ripped from his throat, Richie now charging at him in awful, jerky motions. He scrambled to his feet, the splintered wood of the tree digging into his back and catching on his fanny pack as he lurched to the side to run. Without and hesitation, Eddie unbuckled the damned thing, bolting into the woods of the Barrens as he heard Richie laugh maniacally behind him.

“DO YOU KNOW, EDDIE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?”

The voice was becoming more and more raspy as he talked, the sounds of leaves and sticks snapping only making Eddie sob harder. He was too fast, he was too fucking fast. There was no way Eddie could outrun him, his lungs were too weak, his legs were so skinny and he was so small, so delicate.

Eddie felt the sole of his shoe glide over one of the rocks that he tried to race over, the moss barely peeking through the leaves on the forest floor. He screamed when he fell, the sound echoing throughout the entirety of the Barrens, hitting his head hard as he splayed out on his back. Eddie choked on his sobs, snot and tears running down his face as he tried desperately to get up, shaking too much to be able to do much of anything. The inhumanely fast crunch of the leaves stopped just behind him, heavy breathing leaving precipitation on his neck.

“Sick, sick boy.” A different voice chimed, the voice of the clown.

Eddie couldn’t help it, he threw up. He threw up while shaking violently and with laughter ringing in his ears, not sure if it grew more distant from his slipping consciousness, or if it was actually leaving him alone. He prayed it was leaving him alone, he prayed that this was all his new medication, and that it was nothing more.

But before the darkness completely involved his vision?

Eddie prayed he wasn’t sick.

When Eddie opened his eyes to the sound of distant chatter hours later, he was laid next to a pool of his own vomit, blood dripping between his eyes as he stared up at the blessedly blue sky. He nearly began to cry again just at the sight of it, laughter bubbling in his chest. He was alive. He was fucking alive!

Eddie began to tell the Losers of his crush on Greta later that week, all smiles and faint blushes and a sickly, wrong feeling in his stomach.

Eddie began to lock the window to his room, too, dealing with his fear of the dark on his own, calming himself down when the nightmares woke him.

…

He wasn’t very good at it.

[swearronchanel]

the durrells finale

Reporting live (not really) and simultaneously crying from Disneyland Paris!!

I’m literally not Fucking ready to say goodbye to this show! My heart hurts

but here goes nothing right

Louisa gracefully opening the window

MY SON LARRY IS BACK!!

Louisa’s sunglasses yes queen 😍

The family is all back together MY HEART IS MELTING

“No you’re too white” me @ the American government

“I did bring you all on an epic Greek journey, which we are still on” YEA BUT NOT FOR LONG 😭

Larry causally brining uP the war

“We’re not going anywhere” GOD ya really just want to be ironic and hurt me

fuck them nazis

HOW IS THIS THE END UGHH I CANT TAKE IT (meanwhile it’s only the credits)

SPOON MAKING LMAO louisa really needs to hook up with spiros she’s losing it

FETUS PIC OF THEO AND GERRY IM CRYIN ALREADY

stop the years pls!!

Aw Galini is back too

Margo has an announcement

“I’m less stupid than I thought I was” LMAO ME AFTER DOING A SEMESTER ABROAD

LOUISA CRINGING AT MARGO LMAOO

“I DONT REALLY REMEMBER” LMAOO LOUISA SKKSKSKS I FELT

Les showing up with the bottle of wine

HE’s living out of his car STOP

LOUISA COME RESCUE HIM PLS😭

“You’ve loved my mother ever since you met her” FUCK YEA LES IS RIGHT

SPIROS PLS MY LOVE COME BAck to MRS DURRELLS

this play is gonna be a shit show I love it

LMAO NIKOS

I need me a Greek babe

“You’re a siren” “obviously” wow I missed Florence 😂

SPIROS IS BACK😭

“I’m realizing that precious things end” THE PAIN THIS IS CAUSING ME

SPIROS IS SO IN LOVE STOP

“LOUISA.. LOUISA..LOUISA” JUST KISS ALREADY !!!

LUGA DAMN IT STOP COCKBLOCKING LMAOO

Theo don’t come with the bad news already please

“Look at me” fuck Theo is so serious and it’s paining him to say it 😭

also not the time to say but I love that he has a pimp cane

Theo can’t even tell Gerry the truth this is so subtly painful

SEX WORSHIP

I love how everyone including Florence knows Margo is planning to have sex LMAO

THE CYCLOPS MASK LMFSO ITLL BE IN MY NIGHTMARES

oh shit here comes the fascism fuck

THE TYPEWRITER TOO?

ya have to blast, just take spiros with u

“AND THE EGG WOMAN AT THE MARKET” LMFAOOOOO STOPPP SHE TOLD EVERYONE

hide your kids hide your wife hide your wireless

“You’ve been so good to me Theo” stop Gerry 😭

They’re Setting animals free I can’t deal with this

i am so emotional

Louisa is in such denial that they’ll have to leave and honestly SO AM I

“Like you and Spiros” RIGHT!! THEYRE SO IN LOVE

4 seasons later and I still want white pants like Louisa’s

Florence really said ill expose your medical records LMAO

“Louisa” GET A ROOM YOU TOO

LOUISA WTF WHY SAY NO? GO TAKE HIM TO BED RN

"Where do you want to go? .."To heaven"..”I know the way.." Im going to have some type of aneurysm I can’t deal like  GOD THIS IS ALL IVE WANTED!! THEYRE SO LOVEY AND HAPPY AND UGHSH WHY CANT THIS LAST FORVER

BUT HERE COMES ANOTHER COCKBLOCKER ..OF COURSE

BASIL WAS KILLED? OH SHIT WHAT

oh my I didn’t expect that 😭

“I’m afraid we have to leave Corfu” 💔 knife in my heart

“Come with us” PLEASE DO

“We still have a future” her heart is breaking and so is mine !!

SPIROS NO! COME BACK! PLEASE

I feel my heart literally throbbing in pain

AUNT HERMONIE’S GHOST!! BASIL’S TOO! STOP THIS (I knew ThTs the only way she could’ve been in this but still!! Shook)

Louisa is going to run after her man now right

.. or not

Margo says some secretly wise things every now and again

“The house.. breathing”

They’re all restless in bed & so am I right now bc this is too much for me

I literally have CHEST PAIN RIGHT NOW JUST BC I KNOW WHATS COMING

Larry as a spy is killing me lmao

All these people came to see the play😭😭

Even Pavlos!

LMAOO THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY BROTHER WAS IN THE ODYSSEY FOR SOME EVENT IN HS - ISSA SHIT SHOW AND IM LIVING FOR IT

FUCK IT’s HAPPENING NOW

CONFRONT YOUR MAN LOUISA !!  

THE RUNNING ! THE WHITE CLOTHES ! THE BEACH ! THIS IS BEAUTIFULLY CINEMATIC

FUCK SHE JUST RAN UP AND KISSED HIM GOD SHSJSJWMS OMF FF

HE’S LIFTING HER OFF THE GROUND!!

WHAT A PERFECT KISS

“I LOVE YOU” ..“I LOVE YOu” I LOVE THIS!

“..A bed not too big so we’re always touching”

SOMEONE CALL 911 I AM NOT BREATHING JAJSSJJS FUCKKKKKK

“ I can’t go with you to England” I AM WEEPING

THE WAY SHE FELL I CANT

I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING BUT IT HURTS SO BADDDDD

“You’ll be beautiful and complicated “ FUCK ME I WANNA JUMP OFF A CLIFF

“You’ll go on and spread the magic and I won’t be here”

“You will Be here” I THINK I AM HAVING AN ANNERYUSM

“Has it all been for nothing?” CAN U KILL ME

“Would you change it for us never having met..?” JESUS LORD PLEASE TAKE ME NOW I CANT TAKE THIS

THEYRE HOLDING EACH OTHER ON THE BEACH AND CRYING

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

NO ONE IS HOLDING ME AND IM CRYING 😭😭

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

YOU CANT JUST BREAK MY HEART AND GO

 ZOLATN PULLED UP

IM WEAK LMAOO HE CAME FOR MARGO I LOVE IT

BUT THE LAUGHS WONT REPAIR MY SHATTERED HEART

THERE’S NO COMING BACK AFTER THAT LOUISA AND SPIROS MOMENT

but Margo and Zoltan are actually cute

LMAO THEY ALREADY HOOKED UP IM PROUD SJSKKS

But deadass my heart is beating so fast and I’m in pain I can not and will not recover

Larry throwing the script is a mood

Louisa’s monologue I literally want to fling myself into the sun

“For us this has been quite a journey..” 😭😭😭😭

Sven and the damn accordion

“There’s been a lot of messy love since we got here” YOU THINK

! ! they’re all sitting angelically in the Ionian Sea and this is killing me ! ! ! !

Larry isn’t going 😭 spiros will protect

“To the future” PLEASE LET THERE BE A FUTURE ONE DAY ITV I NEED IT

LUGA KISSING LESLIE’S HEAD BROKE ME FURTHER ..HER FAV CHILD

Spiros and Louisa Hugging I just can’t

I can’t do this

I need an inhaler and I don’t even have asthma

I’m drowning in my tears 😭😭

This isn’t fair how can it just BE OVER NOW?$/!/‘s?!?!?

I felt like they weren’t going to show them leaving and now I can continue life in denial and pretend they don’t leave and everyone lived happily ever after !!

I’m not okay at all obviously

I just-

[rainbowglittr]

Senior Year Chapter 22

Chapter 22

"Jesse? You're back? How are you feeling?" I said. I was at my locker and I saw Jesse walking down the hall.

"Yeah I'm back. I'm alright, been better, been worst." He said, standing in front of me.

"Aww, Jess, your face." I reached for his face. I could see faded bruises all over his face. One eye darker than the other. From far away I couldn't see them.

"It's fine! I'm fine." He said turning his head away.

"Jesse, why didn't you tell me?"

"Getting jumped was not something I wanted to talk about."

"Jesse."

"Jaleia."

The bell rang.

"I don't like seeing you like this." I said, shutting my locker.

"Well, I don't like looking like this." he said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"What's up, scarface?" I heard Tyler shout at Jesse as soon as he entered the gym.

"Fuck off."

"Aww, scarface is angry, should've told that to your face. "

" Leave me alone, alright?"

"Yo, he do look like scarface. "

"Damn son, look at your face. Don't you know how to block anything?"

"He got beat like a bitch."

"That's cause he is one. "

We were in gym, when some guys saw Jesse's face for the first time since he came back. Tyler was loving their horrendously insensitive comments. I could see and hear him egging on everyone as they made fun of Jesse.

"Have you all not seen bruises before?" Kiara said, hoping to spare Jesse.

"Nah, that nigga look fucked up. "

"Face look like a fruit smoothie. "

"Kiara it's fine. " said Jesse.

"Yeah let him fight his own battles. Actually you might need her help with that."

All of the guys laughed. Jesse roled his eyes and walked away. Today we were playing volleyball. I got put on a different side than Tyler and Jesse. Kiara was on my side. We looked as Tyler repeatedly spiked the ball on Jesse. Insults were hurled back and forth. By the end of the game the whole class was calling Jesse scarface. When Tyler left the locker room I grabbed him by the arm and said,

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What?"

"Why do you have to humiliate him?"

"He tried to do that to me by kissing my girlfriend."

"You're being petty."

"You're being annoying."

"You're unbelievable. "

"When you stop being little Jesse's bodyguard, let me know." He said walking away from me. I wish I knew what was wrong with him.

*>>>>>>*

Jesse's POV

I sighed before I walked through the door. This had been one of the worst days of my life, who knew what kind of mood Shaun would be in? I walked through the front door and then I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. My brother had punched me. I fell backwards into the door and on the floor, causing me to cough, I reached for the inhaler. Just as I was putting it to my mouth my brother kicked my hand. I started wheezing. Ever since I had pneumonia, I had asthma and it was expected that it would go away but for now I had an inhaler to deal with the symptoms.

"Hey Jess. " he said as he picked up my inhaler.

"Shaun please." I wheezed at him feeling my chest get tighter and tighter.

"Please. You sound like a bitch. Beg for it like the little bitch you are."

"Shaun please. I need it. Come on" My chest got impossibly tighter. Shaun leaned over me, looking in digust.

"You know I wish you and Diana switched places, because I would enjoy watching you die. You're a disappointment to me and Diana. Go kill yourself." He said as he threw my inhaler across the hall and walked away. My chest was on fire and I could barely get air into my lungs as I crawled to it. I was shaking as I got it to my lips. After a few pumps I could breathe again. Shaun walked by me and said "Damn, still alive."

"I hate you."

"Trust me, you can't hate me than I hate you." He walked out and slammed the door. I got off the floor still shaky and dizzy. I went up the stairs into my room and, I lost it. I threw stuff around my room. I hit things, I lost it. My mind kept repeating all the things Tyler and everyone at school said to me and my brother and my family. Around and around spinning like a tornado. I started to feel my chest get tight again. I couldn't find my inhaler. I started frantically looking for it, tears rolling down my face faster and faster before I dropped down in the corner of my room wheezing. I just wanted to give up. Suddenly my door opened, I tried to jump up and wipe my face but my lungs burned and I fell down again. So I grabbed to shirt closest to me and wiped my face.

"Jesse?" I heard Ciara say.

"Here" I pushed out. I really couldn't breathe much longer.

"Oh my God! Jesse! Here, take this." She handed me my inhaler and put her arms around me. She pulled my head into her chest and rubbed my back. Once my breathing stabilized she asked me, "what's wrong?".

"I'm fine now." I said.

"No Jess, you're really not. You don't cry unless something's really wrong. I know you."

"I'm not crying. It's just Diana, and school stuff, and Shaun. I'll be fine. "

"Jesse, I'm not going to judge you, I want to help you. You're my little brother. I know I haven't been the best sister to you, and I'm sorry. I was going through my own shit. I took a lot of it out on you and that wasn't right to put on you. I'm so sorry. I love you. But by going through my own shit I know what needing help looks like. So please, let me help you."

"You know dad didn't notice I got beat up?"

"He didn't?"

"No, he said 'I don't really care about you being sick, my energy has to be on Diana. You'll be fine. Tyler thinks I kissed his girlfriend. And Shaun hates me. C?"

"Yeah Jess," she said, looking at me.

"Why me?"

>>>>>*>>>>>>>>>>*>>>>>>>>>>*>>>>>

Ciara's Pov

"SHAUN!" I screamed. I clutched the plastic bat in my hand. I heard his foot steps coming closer. I saw Shaun walking up to me eating a sandwich. I hit his hand as hard as I could with the bat, the sandwich falling out of his hand. Shouting profanities at me.

"What did you do to Jesse?"

"Did he fucking squeal?"

"No, he didn't, " I said hitting Shaun again. "But I need to know why Jesse thinks you hate him. "

"I didn't do anything!" He said. I hit him harder, again and again. He tried to run but I tripped him and hit him on the ground.

"Stop fucking doing that!" He said trying to shield himself.

"Stop lying to me."

"Fine! We got into a fight." I got off him.

"Okay what else?" He got up dusting off his clothes.

"Nothing! We both told each other we hated each other. No big deal, brother stuff. No need to try and kill me with a bat."

"It's a bat, it's plastic so cut the dramatics."

"You hit hard." He stuck his tongue out and started to walk away. I knew something was off with him though and I was gonna get to the bottom of it with one question.

"Where's Anna?" He stopped in his tracks and turned to face me.

"She ah, we ahh,- it didn't work out. "

"She broke up with you today?"

"Yeah. So?"

"I'm sorry. But if you think that it's okay to take your girlfriend breaking up with you out on our brother, you got it fucked up."

"So you're his bodyguard now? Well I didn't take it out on him. He came home acting like a dick, so I handled it. "

"You and I both know that's not what happened. But my suggestion is that you stop using our brother as target practice. Cause I'm willing to tell a lot of things you don't know I know to mom and dad. And I will let them know what you're doing to him."

"You don't scare me. Especially when I've done nothing wrong. We just don't get along. Oil and water, coke and mentos."

"I'm going to protect him Shaun. You can't keep doing this to him."

"What am I doing? What's am I doing that's so bad? And don't act like you're Ms. Angel because the only reason you're doing this is your own guilt! Not for Jesse's sake but for your own."

"Unlike you I've taken responsibility for what I've done, I've changed. But keep messing with our brother and you'll see a side of me you don't like."

"Fine, I'll leave him alone. But he needs to toughen up. You can't be his body guard forever. I'm not gonna have a bitch as a brother. "

"You can't be his bully forever. He's not a bitch, he may be more passive but he's not a bitch. Blow steam doing something constructive, like a job or actually passing your classes. Yeah I know about you getting fired and being on academic probation. I also know that mom and dad don't know. I know that you need to get it together. And I also know of someone who wants to help you."

"I don't need help. I can do it by myself. I'm fine."

"Okay, no job, almost kicked out of school, and no real friends. I'll make sure to keep my phone on loud. I gotta go so I can make it to school on time. Bye brother! Love you." I said as I walked out the door. I heard the lock click. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.

>>>>>>>>>>>*>>>>>>*>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaleia's POV

"I don't want to go. I don't have anyone to go with, which I'm okay with it's just that. Homecoming was fun enough, this Sweethearts dance, it doesn't have the same appeal to me." I said. We were talking about the upcoming Valentine's Day dance. This year I just didn't see the point in going. It's only really fun if you have a date. And my prospects were like zero.

"You really don't want to go?" Jesse asked.

"No, it seems like it'll be boring."

"We'll make it interesting. Just come it's the last cheesy valentines dance we'll ever go to." Kiara said.

"Whatever. Sure why not? But if I get bored I'm leaving."

"Great I'm sure we'll have a smashing time." Said Kiara.

"Hey guys what's up?" Robyn said as she sat down with us.

"Oh my gosh she exists!!" Get out your camera there are rumors that they only come out once a week." I said with fake excitement. It's been a while since we've seen Robyn because she's been so absorbed by Kyle.

"Very funny Jaleia. However I've got some news did you know that Rachael heard that Mariah is cheating on Tyler?"

"Tell me something I don't know! I caught her." I said rolling my eyes.

"Well did you also know that she also heard that Tyler's parents are splitting up? Apparently they've had some huge blow up and now they might split."

"How does she know that?" Kiara asked.

"Apparently Tyler told Mariah and she overheard Mariah telling that girl Savannah."

"The same airheads who tried to pick a fight with me?" I asked curious.

"Yup. Might explain why he's suddenly gone crazy." Said Robyn.

"Doesn't make it okay." Said Jesse scoffing.

"We know that. But at least there's a reason for his jerkface behavior. But to be honest, I'm done dealing with it. If he doesn't get his shit together, I'm not dealing with him anymore." Kiara said.

"I've been fucking done. He can kiss my fucking ass." Said Jesse.

"Jess-"

"Seriously, he's not the only person in the world going through shit." Robyn said.

"I know, I get it. You can't force him to accept help. I just feel bad, cause you know he never deals with anything." As soon as I said that one of the cafeteria doors burst open. Tyler stumbled through to our table.

"Sup bey-otch!" He said with sunglasses on.

"What is wrong with you? Are you drunk?" I asked in disbelief.

"Nah, I'm fucking high as FUCK! Did you knew that Mariah can suck like a fucking pro?"

A collective groan of disgust followed his comment.

"TMI, for real! Come on!" Said Robyn.

"Don't be such babies. Suck-"

"Shut up Tyler! No one wants to hear about that." Kiara said.

"Maybe you and Jesse might and maybe Kiara cause y'all ain't getting any!" He said laughing.

"Go away Tyler! Seriously, I think I see Mariah over there!" Robyn lied.

"Oh shit, really bye!" He said, stumbling away.

"Yeah, on second thought, I'm pretty done with this." I said sipping my iced tea.

>>>>*>>>>>*>>>>>*>>>>>>*>>>>>*>>>

Finally done with this chapter! One

Of the longest! More drama to come.....

[novoki]

Coming out of the closet as a werefox

As soon as Scott meets him in the courtyard of the school, Stiles knows something is off. He smells weird, unusual, not like himself. He smells like danger, and Scott never smells like danger. Scott is about as dangerous as a butterfly riding a unicorn in the middle of an empty field. So, yeah, Stiles knows something is definitely wrong.

 “What’s up with you?” he asks instantly.

 Scott sends him a sheepish look, leaning forward a bit and wincing. “I got bit yesterday.”

 “What?!” Stiles squeaks.

 His friend gives him a weird look, flapping his hands haplessly. “Not seriously! I think it was, like, a rabid dog or something. There wasn’t that much blood, and it’s practically healed already.”

 “Rabid dog?!” Stiles whines. “Scott, it could have rabies! What if you have rabies now, huh?” Oh, fuck, Scott totally had rabies. Just his luck. His best and only friend now has rabies. Awesome.

 Scott rolls his eyes and sighs at the thought. “It’s not rabies, Stiles. I swear, it wasn’t that bad. I’m actually feeling better than I’ve ever been.”

 Stiles opens his mouth to argue further, then his brain registers what’s just been said. Wait – feeling better? Not that bad; practically healed already?

 “Scott, it wasn’t… you said it was a dog, right?” Scott nods, raising a brow. “Not a… not a wolf.”

 The boy blinks, like it’s only just occurred to him. “I mean… it was a big dog,” he concedes. Then he shakes his head. “But, didn’t you tell me what wolves haven’t been in California for forty years or something? Remember, when you had that obsession with wolves one summer.”

 Ah, yeah. Stiles remembered that summer well. It’d been the summer he’d first ever met a werewolf. And it was awesome. He’d obsessed over finding every bit of lore about werewolves both online and offline until his dad banned the word from the house out of annoyance. To this day, he wasn’t allowed to talk about them, otherwise his dad threatened to sneak into a McDonalds on the way back from work. So, yeah, there weren’t supposed to be any wolves in California for generations. Keyword being supposed.

 “Scott, are you one hundred perfectly sure? Because this is very, very important, okay?” he says, swinging his arm around and pulling Scott uncomfortably close. “I need to know, alright, you cannot just guess or assume, alright?”

 “I-I, uh, I don’t know, it was – dark, alright? I couldn’t really see anything,” he stutters, “there was, like, a… stampede of deer. That’s not. Dog-like, right? And it – it was strong, but, dogs can be strong too, y’know?”

 Stiles sighs, barely resisting shaking Scott by his shoulders. People are already giving Stiles weird looks and even his best friend looked wary. “Just… Okay, uh,” he rambles, trying to think of something. If Scott was bitten a werewolf, it would hurt a fuckton at the beginning because, you know, wolf bite. But then the healing factor would kick in – or he’d die, there’s that too – and he’d become practically numb to it. But Scott was probably in shock, so it wouldn’t really matter. His heart would have been beating like crazy, running like hell, he might have even –

 Wait.

 “Did you get asthma?”

 Scott opens his mouth, then stops.

 “When you ran away, you ran fast, right?” Stiles demands. Scott nods. “So did you get asthma?”

 The boy pauses. “I lost my inhaler,” he says.

 “That’s not what I asked. I asked, did you get asthma?”

 Scott stares at Stiles with wide eyes. He can see the trails of panic building in them, frantic and confused and crazed.

 The bell goes and Scott looks up, opens his mouth to say something, but Stiles just drags him around the corner of the building to the underpass. Scott complains the entire time, but Stiles doesn’t listen, walking as fast as he can with a maybe/maybe-not werewolf clinging to his arm. When they get there, Stiles spins around straight away, arms up and sweeping through the air before he can even get a word out.

 “Listen up, Scotty, because I have some good news and some bad news. Which one d’ya want first?”

 His friend sends him a confused look but eventually gives up, heaving a sigh. “Bad news.”

 “You’re a werewolf.”

 “What?!” This time, it’s Scott who squeaks.

 “Good news: I can help with that.”

 “You can help with me being a werewolf?!”

 Stiles nods his head, wincing. He glances around before looking at Scott again. “What I’m about to show you – you can’t tell anyone, alright? Like, I know you, you’ll probably be vibrating like a puppy and more than eager to shout it out to the world, but you need to promise me you won’t. Please.”

 Scott must see how desperate Stiles is because he nods after only a brief moment of hesitation. Stiles sighs, relieved. Then he closes his eyes and opens them.

 The first time he’d ever seen his mom’s true eyes, he gasped. They were bright orange, glistening like lemonade, and so, so pretty. His dad had smiled and told him he’d had the same reaction as him. Then they exchanged a fuzzy look that looking back made Stiles hurt now, but it’s still a memory he holds close to his heart.

 Unlike werewolves, werefoxes have eyes that don’t really benefit them. Not like wolves’. The vibrant, orange spark that glowed around the pupil had the same colour range as real foxes, meaning Stiles had never truly seen his own eyes. Yeah, he had looked into a mirror before, but everything was different. Instead of orange, it was a weird pastel yellow, and instead of seeing each individual speck like with his mom, there were very jagged and obvious layers.

 But, if Scott’s reaction was anything to go about, they were quite shocking.

 He lifted a finger weakly, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

 “I’m a werefox,” Stiles explains. “We’re like werewolves, but cooler. Came first, also, meaning by the time wolves got their superpowers they had more updated shit, but whatever. We can turn into full animals and they can’t, so hah. Well – actually, it depends on what family the werewolf’s from and whether they’ve balanced their two sides yet, and… Look, doesn’t matter. What I’m trying to get at is I think you’ve been bitten by an alpha.”

 “Like the leader of a pack?” Scott says, and to Stiles’ relief, he doesn’t look like he’s about to run away and call the cops.

 “Yeah! Exactly like that. For wolves, only alphas can turn people. I’m thinking some crazy guy must’ve bit you and then got out of dodge, because usually they stick around to at least say hi if they’ve just ruined your life.”

 Scott, however, doesn’t look that bummed out. He doesn’t look like his life’s just been ruined, that he’s just found out some dude bit him and ran away. “That’s… so… cool!”

 Stiles blinks.

 “Or that, yeah.”

 “How do I know I’ve… turned?” Scott asks, grinning widely.

 Stiles huffs but returns the smile. “Well, first off, the healing factor is a pretty big clue. You werewolves have abnormally fast healing, along with strengthened senses, speed, and strength. You can do this too,” he says, pointing at his eyes before letting them fade. “But with claws and fangs and hair. Hilarious lack of eyebrows, though. That’s always pretty amusing.”

 “Super strength?” Scott echoes, eyes distant. “Maybe I can actually play lacrosse this year.”

 Stiles snorts. “I’ve just told you you’re a werewolf and I’m a werefox, and that’s all you care about? Lacrosse tryouts?”

 Scott shrugs, grin not apologetic in the slightest as he bounces in one spot. “It’s just – this is so cool, right? Like, this shit only happens and books and movies, you know. Never in real life.”

 “Well, keep in mind that it’s not all rainbows and sunshine,” Stiles feels the need to mention. Scott frowns and he sighs, shoulders slumping. “With supernatural creatures comes supernatural hunters.”

 “Hunters?” Scott repeats, brows low.

 “Yeah. Basically, one of your ancestors managed to piss off a French woman and then everything went to shit. She and her husband taught their kids how to hunt werewolves, who in turn taught their kids, who in turn taught their kids, and on and on. Not very fun,” he sighs, scrunching his nose.

 Scott looks worried now, and compared to the happy expression he’d been wearing just a second ago it’s really depression.

 “But, hey, no asthma, right?” Stiles says in an attempt to lighten to mood.

 Scott’s eyes widen like he suddenly remembered something, and he pats his pockets for something invisible. “Shit! I need to get my inhaler back!”

 Stiles scrunches his eyebrows. “Why? You don’t need it anymore.”

 Scott sends his friend a disappointed look, glaring whilst he says, “those things cost eighty bucks, dude, my mom will kill me if she finds out I’ve lost it.”

 Stiles laughs. “Fair enough.”

[meditatemoremedicateless]

Rachel Has Two Hands (Hell is Empty pt. 2)

Fandom: Life is Strange Pairings: Amberrich, Pricerich, Amberprice, Amberpricerich Tags: polyamory, pining, fluff Words: 5,400

Summary: Steph struggles with her feelings about Rachel and Chloe's performance in The Tempest. Her starts spending more time with Chloe and Rachel, leading to an unexpected kiss and an even more unexpected conversation.

Read the full story on Tumblr, Ao3, or ff.net.

By the time the cast party had officially started, Steph was sure she had it figured out. She was also sure she could explain why she was totally okay with what happened and how genuinely beautiful the performance had been. She'd just talk to Rachel sometime during the party and say that she and Chloe would make a beautiful couple and even though Steph liked her, she wasn't going to toss away a friendship out of jealousy. Queer girls have to stick together. They can't afford to burn bridges just because someone fell for someone else, else they would all become islands, as alone as Arcadia Bay on the coast of Oregon.

The cast party was at Hayden's house because it was the biggest and his family was already used to the Vortex Club using it from when his older brother had been a member. Everyone was split up into their little cliques, like Nathan, Victoria, and their friend Taylor on the stairs after returning from smoking weed in the bathroom, or Steph, Dana, Juliet, and Hayden hanging out on the couch and piano bench. Hayden's mom apparently had the biggest goddamn grand piano Steph had ever seen outside of an orchestral hall, which immediately explained a lot of things about him. Rachel was supposed to get dropped off by her parents, so she was running a little late, and the crew kids like Brooke and Luke mostly kept to themselves, so it felt kind of weak for a cast party.

Dana got a text and checked her phone. A second later, she asked out, "Hey, Hayden - Rachel's walking here with Chloe, is that cool?"

What?!

"Uhhh yeah, totally. Do they need a pick-up?"

"I dunno, let me check."

Rachel sent texts faster than Steph could talk, so only a few seconds later Dana called, "Nope, they're almost here."

Oh shit.

Steph had been mentally preparing this whole time to talk to Rachel because Rachel would already be hanging out with her. But the prospect of pulling her away from Chloe to have the conversation about how totally cool she was with them getting together was on a whole new level. Steph considered herself a pretty tough cookie - stoic, even, when she had to be - but she could only make so strong a face in so little time. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to hear why Rachel chose Chloe over her.

"Wow, the fire's getting pretty crazy," said Taylor from the hall. "The air quality outside is getting really bad, and containment's dropped to 10 percent. Apparently we're advised to stay in-doors until air quality improves? Crazy."

No. No no no this cannot be happening.  Steph wanted to leap to her feet and flee, just walk home in the dead of night, but she knew no one here would let her - walking outside while ash rained from the sky was a stupid idea and she knew it. She was going to be stuck here until morning with Rachel like she had planned to be. Unless. Unless.

Steph stood up and said, "Hey, uh, Hayden, I kind of . . . feel sick. And with the fire, I don't think I should walk home . . . do you think you could give me a ride?"

He sat there and blinked for a few seconds, looking Steph up and down, probably picking up that she looked perfectly fine.

Still, Hayden was a cool dude. Finally, he shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess."

 Rachel: i didnt see you last night.

Rachel: hayden said you were sick Rachel: how are you feeling?

Rachel: steph?

Rachel: i'll see you at the showing tonight, OK? i want to talk to you.

Rachel: you ran off again Rachel: are you mad at me?

Steph: I'm not mad

It was midnight, Saturday night giving way to Sunday, and they had two shows to run the next day. Steph didn't have time to stay up tonight, but once she was back in her bed again, in the dark, alone, she had started crying. She absolutely hated how upset she was. She had absolutely no fucking right to be ignoring Rachel. This was exactly the sort of behavior that could devastate her hopes for a small circle of queer friends - being jealous and petty and slinking away into the night to be alone.

She had just been caught off guard. She had gotten her hopes up, sitting alone and flirting with Rachel in the dressing room. She had taken Rachel's fun and flirtation as an indicator of her feelings, when she knew that was just how she acted. She liked that about Rachel. She liked the way she could charm and dazzle her way through anything, how she always picked herself back up when she started feeling insecure, how she could make anyone feel special.

Rachel: are you avoiding me?

Steph: Yeah. I haven't known what to say to you, and I still don't.

Rachel: did i do something wrong?

Steph: no, it's nothing like that. 

Rachel: do you want to be left alone?

Steph didn't answer that, which proved to be enough of an answer by itself.

 The Culmination Fire died suddenly in the night, and by the time Steph left for the school the next day, the air quality was almost back to normal. At the very least, Steph didn't have to come on stage and announce that audience members with asthma or other breathing difficulties would be given tickets for next week or full refunds if they wanted to leave. Steph kept herself busy constantly, and for most of the day she felt normal, no time to think of Rachel when Prospera was the one needing attention. They were never alone long enough to have a conversation that wasn't immediately about the play, and Steph biked off by herself during lunch time.

And that is how, on this ashy-gray Sunday afternoon, Steph ended up getting her lunch at the Two Whales diner only seconds before Chloe Price walked through the door.

Steph anticipated dread when she ran into Chloe again, but to her surprise, it didn't feel any different than the other few times they'd seen each other on campus.

"Hey Steph, what's up?" Chloe asked, sliding into the other side of the booth as if they'd planned to meet up. "Heard your cast's been crushing it."

Steph smirked. "Oh, they have. Maybe not quite as hard as Friday, but our troupe isn't slouching. The Tempest's script, on the other hand . . ."

"Pff, yeah, that thing is, uh, and don't tell the Bard I said this but, it's kind of a mess."

Chloe had dyed her hair since they talked on Friday - just a streak of blue among the blonde, like Rachel's feather earring. It looked goofy, but cute. She'd come in wearing a beanie but dropped it on the table, making them look a little less like the lead members of an alternative girl band together, if not by much.

Steph quirked her eyebrows, bemused. "This - coming from the girl who learned like a dozen lines in a few minutes and improv'd her way into the Beacon and Totem? You sure seemed to jive with the mess."

Chloe leaned back in the booth, pleased at the praise. "I guess it's just in my nature to surprise people. For instance, Principal Wells? Not the happiest dude when it turned out I was reppin' Blackwell on the front page the same day he kicked me out. The message he left my Mom was . . ." she pressed her fingers close to her lips as if she were holding a joint and inhaled, then let out a dreamy sigh. "Epic. Totally worth the expulsion."

Steph snickered, taking a bite of her food. Chloe's eyes very obviously followed her hands down to her plate, begging for fries without asking for them.

Steph took the hint and said, "Here, how about as a thank-you for saving my ass, I buy you lunch?

"Deal," Chloe replied without hesitation. Grinning, she leaned back forward in her seat and stuck her hand out of the booth. "Yo, Mom!" she called.

One of the waitresses, a middle-aged blonde woman with the red-purple bags under the eyes of an insomniac, approached the table with an already-irritated, "Yes, Chloe?"

Chloe gestured across the table. "This lovely lady would like to treat me to lunch, for which I'll have chicken tenders, please."

The waitress - Joyce, her name tag said - put her hands on her hips and turned to Steph. "Now, is my daughter extorting you or is these chicken tenders given of your own free will?"

Steph held her hands up, as if surrendering. "Hey, Chloe deserves a lunch for saving The Tempest. I don't suppose you got a chance to see her in action?"

"I didn't even know she could act," Joyce replied with a scathing look, Chloe smiling back innocently. "But I'm glad she helped out. Maybe that'll make Mr. Wells think twice about his decision to expel her."

She sighed wearily, then said, "But chicken tenders, got it. It's nice to meet you . . .?"

"Steph. Stephanie Gingrich. It's nice to meet you too."

"Hello Stephanie, I'm Joyce. And I'll be right back."

As Joyce walked away, Chloe's attention rounded back to Steph. There were a few seconds of pause while Steph glanced around the diner, but Chloe brought her back with a sudden, "So, how did things go with Rachel?" Steph's blood ran cold. "Did you shoot your shot or what?"

"A-are you serious?" Steph asked, dumbfounded.

Is she insensitive as hell or just stupid? What?

Chloe blinked, surprised. "Uuhh?" she asked, sitting forward in her seat again. "I mean, yeah . . . you made it seem like you were really itching to do it, so I figured you would this weekend . . . while you've been around her so much."

Steph had a growing suspicion she had made a terrible mistake. "Aren't you . . . dating her?"

Now Chloe looked even more confused. "What? No . . . didn't we already have this conversation on Friday?"

"But . . ." Steph tried to pull all the disparate details, all the things that absolutely confirmed to her that they had been dating. "But, the play. That improv wasn't just in-character, that was you two talking. It was, like - fuck dude, it was seriously romantic. And then you two walked to the cast party together, like . . . like . . ."

Steph faltered as Chloe's face changed from 'I'm confused' to 'Are you an idiot?' Steph had watched Chloe give that face to almost everyone, but she hadn't ever had it directed at her. It was just a look, but it stung.

Chloe glanced down at the table for a second, clearing her expression, then back up at Steph. "Dude, what? That wasn't Rachel asking me out, that was her offering to run away with me."

What.

"Why . . . what?"

Chloe said, "Look, I don't really want to get into details or anything, but things have been . . . shit for me at home recently. For Rachel, too. I ran away from home for a few days and her family kind of took me in. That's why I was wearing, like, that jacket that was three sizes too small, and why I needed to go to the dorms. We walked to the party together to talk about running away but we didn't, like, do it. Running was only going to make our problems worse."

"I . . ."

Fuck!!

Steph pushed her plate into the center of the table so she could just drop her face straight onto the table. "I'm so fucking stupid!" she groaned. She hit her head once more in agitation. When she looked up, it all came out in a rush: "I thought you were wearing her jacket because you like, stayed the night. Like, stayed the night not had a fucking sleepover. And the whole improvised bit looked and sounded so much like a proposal it was like you two were about ready to just, start a life together or something. I - fuck!" Steph clutched the sides of her head. "I'm dumb! And I've been avoiding Rachel all weekend because of it!"

Chloe looked overwhelmed and doe-eyed, but all that came out of her mouth was a scoff: "Dude, what?"

Steph didn't have an immediate answer, and before she could think of anything to say, Joyce swooped in and dropped a basket of chicken tenders in front of Chloe. It distracted Chloe long enough for her to say, "Oh, hey, can I get barbecue and ranch, please?"

Her mother rolled her eyes and said, "I'll be right back," before continuing her loop around the diner.

Chloe took a minute to shove some fries in her mouth before remembering that they were having a conversation. She wiped her fingers on a napkin and said, "Alright, Steph, so. After Friday I was under the impression you were like, really good at communication and stuff, but it looks like you totally over-thought this into a problem that didn't need to be a problem. Even if our scene was like, kind of romantic or whatever, and even if she does like me back at all, it still seems like you should talk to her about it instead of . . . whatever you've been doing."

Chloe gave an abashed smile that quickly disappeared. "Weird advice, coming from me, I know, but seriously."

Steph's head was still cradled in her hands, but at least she was looking across the table instead of actively self-destructing. "So you do like her?" she asked.

"I'm only human," Chloe replied with a shrug and another fleeting smile. "But right now, I think she needs a friend more than . . . something else. From me, at least."

Steph shook her head. "I may be an idiot, but if you think she just wants to be your friend, so are you."

"I know," Chloe replied, like an admission of guilt.

Chloe turned to her food, and Steph took a minute to herself, to self-flagellate over how badly she'd fucked up and how it would be no wonder if Rachel's interest in her vanished like Steph had vanished on her. Whether or not Rachel would ever return her feelings, though, wasn't the point anymore. She had a friendship to salvage.

  Steph: hey Rachel. I ran into Chloe during my lunch and I realized I totally blew it. After the play Friday night I thought you two were together and I thought you were just going to explain why you'd decided to go out with Chloe. I made everything in my head a way bigger deal than it was and I've been acting like a dick. I got so caught up in my version of what was going on I didn't even try to talk to you and that was so, so stupid, and I'm really sorry. I don't know how you feel about me or Chloe, but I know I really want to be your friend and be supportive.

Rachel texted back less than a minute later.

Rachel: steph, you are deep down kind of an idiot. but i get it. Rachel: im with my mom right now and its not a great time to talk but can we please talk later?

Steph: yeah, of course. I'll see you at the next show.

Steph sighed as she put her phone away.

"Wha'she say?" Chloe asked through a mouthful of food.

"Just that she wants to talk," Steph replied, leaning back in her seat, now resigned.

Chloe swallowed her food so she could talk properly and said, "Well, that doesn't sound like you've totally screwed the pooch. Maybe there's hope for you yet."

Steph shrugged, then said, "Well . . . thanks Chloe. For the heads-up. This could have gone worse, amazingly."

"No problem," she said, waving away the thanks. "I make a great supporting character."

Steph and Chloe both snorted.

After a short pause, Chloe said, "Hey, wait, don't you have to be back at the school like . . . now? The next show starts at 4:00, right?"

"WHAT?!"

Steph pulled out her phone and checked the time. Sure enough, it was 3:20, and she was supposed to have been back at the school five minutes ago at the latest.

"OhmyfuckinggodyouhavetobekiddingmehowamIthisbigofanidiotI'lldie-"

"Steph, yo, chill," Chloe interrupted. "Just get the check and I'll give you a ride."

Steph stared at Chloe with anxious befuddlement. "Since when . . . do you have a car?" Steph had literally seen Chloe get dropped off at school on Friday.

Chloe shrugged. "I kind of fixed up an old junker yesterday; it's mine now. You've had your tetanus shot, right?"

Steph didn't like the sound of that question.

 The conversation with Rachel was much more 'Rachel talking about what was going on with her' than Steph had anticipated, and very little on why she was turning Steph down. As soon as they got into things, though, Steph just felt embarrassed and ashamed for putting another thing on her when she already had so much going on. She had just found out her mom wasn't her biological mother a few days ago, and that her father withheld her mother's e-mails and letters because she abandoned her as a toddler. She had been a heroin addict during the 1990s opioid epidemic, and although she had assured and re-assured Rachel's dad for years that she was clean now, she had respected his wishes to keep her away from Rachel. That was, at least, until this past week.

When Steph had asked her about the whole 'running away with Chloe thing', she talked about how she and Chloe met for the first time on Tuesday, about Chloe's mom's boyfriend moving in against her wishes, and how Rachel had asked her parents to take Chloe in for a while. How they only treated her nicely until she revealed she knew about Rachel's bio mom, and how Rachel's dad flipped on her and treated her like a street rat. Rachel nervously confessed how she had found Chloe, and Chloe had found her just in time for their lives to fall apart, and for them to be there for each other when they did.

Steph had been so caught up in her own life, and all the stuff going on with Mikey and Drew and their dad, it hadn't occurred to her how much could be going on outside of what she could see. She always felt like she could see things more clearly than other people, could see how pieces fit together - it was why she made a good stage manager, why she was a good artist. But there were some things she couldn't just piece together from context.

Rachel said she wasn't ready for a relationship right now, and Steph admitted she wasn't ready to date Rachel, that she didn't know her well enough to make a good girlfriend. They agreed they wanted to get to know each other better, and hugged each other tight, and that was it for a while.

Once The Tempest was over, Steph thought she'd have more free time to spend with Rachel, but as classes began to ramp up into finals and Rachel spent more lunches and weekends off with Chloe, they saw each other less for a while. At first that made her sad, but Rachel kept coming back happier, shining brighter than she did before.

Chloe and Steph started to hang out more, too. Chloe's de facto step father, David, proved to be an anthropomorphized kick in the pants, nevermind one of the most pro-authority bootlickers Steph ever had the displeasure of meeting, so Chloe showed up more and more at Blackwell to pick Steph up from the dorms and go for a drive.

Somewhere down the line from watching Bladerunner together and shitting on dudes from 4chan, the two of them realized their mutual love for cyberpunk and deep disdain for most men who professed to like cyberpunk. Mikey and Drew were not those men, though, so sometime in the middle of May the four of them started up a game of Shadowrun after bidding farewell to Calimastia and Elamon. After Chloe's ork street samurai, Mikey's elf mage, and Drew's human decker pulled off their first run, Chloe and Steph managed to peer pressure Rachel into joining as well. She showed up with a dryad shaman and, to no one's surprise, she and Chloe quickly dominated the roleplaying part of the game, although with very different angles (re: their characters were like, super mean to each other).

And this is how, the game night after school let out for the summer, Steph, Chloe, and Rachel ended up bringing backpacks full of homework to the fire ring next to Arcadia Bay's light house. There they drank beer Rachel managed to flirt into her possession and lit the past year on fire, cursing it and all of the shit it had brought them. They all drank too much and Chloe needed an hour or two to be sober enough to drive, so they ended up sitting on the beach, watching the waves roll in and out and the moonlight glimmer over the restless ocean. Chloe, as she often did after drinking, opened up a little, talked about her old friend Max, who had loved pirates and photographs, the girl she'd thought would become her high school sweet heart and marry, but they'd never even kissed and then she fucking left. And she turned petty to keep from turning sad and said how annoying it was that she'd never kissed a girl, didn't even know what it was like.

"It's easy," Steph told her, and held the side of her face as she kissed her.

Chloe was too stunned to even kiss back at first, but she got on her knees and turned so they could face each other properly, and the kiss was rough and they were a little drunk but it was warm and good. It was cute - Rachel even gave a little 'aww' - until Chloe's hand dropped high up on Steph's thigh and she squeezed and Steph moaned into their kiss.

Eventually, Rachel said, "Um, guys?" and they realized what they were doing, and Chloe laughed but Steph was crimson, invisible though it might be in the night.

Steph got dropped off at home first and tried her best to be quiet, but Meiser wouldn't stop barking after she got through the door and she had to shush him and feed him until he went back to bed. She fell asleep still half-clothed and exhausted, but woke up for the first time at 5:30am to a new text message from Rachel.

Rachel: hey, steph? chloe and i kind of just had sex and im having a lot of confusing feelings. Rachel: but i want to talk to both of you tomorrow, or this weekend at least Rachel: i like you and i just want a chance to talk to you both before this one thing makes a decision for me

Steph was jealous, of course. Insanely jealous. Rabidly jealous. But she was more sleepy than even that, so she fell back asleep without sending a reply.

She didn't wake up again until almost 1:00pm, and by then she had several more messages.

Rachel: just lmk when youre up and OK to talk? Rachel: i hope youre not mad at me

And from Chloe.

Chloe: Hey dude i'm really sorry if i kinda... escalated that kissing situation last night esp. when we were drunk.

Steph decided it was best to hold off replying until she'd had breakfast and coffee. Thus, it was almost 2:00pm when she texted them both.

Steph: heya Chloe. it's honestly okay. i liked it, but we don't need to make a thing of it, it was just nice.

Steph: hey Rachel. idk what type of conversation you're looking to have, but last night was weird and i'm not mad. i'm jealous, for sure, but, like, who you have sex with is none of my business.

Whatever else happened, she wasn't going to let this blow up her friendships. She'd been steeling herself against the possibility of Rachel and Chloe getting together this whole time, and she wasn't going to freak out again if that's how today ended. These friendships were new, but they mattered to her, and she'd fight for them.

 Chloe showed up at Steph's house first, to her surprise, so they hung out downstairs and absolutely did not talk about what was son their minds. Instead, they played Super Smash Brothers and waited, even holding back on the smack talk because they were both fragile at the moment and they knew it. Even when Rachel finally arrived, they just switched to Mario Kart Wii and continued to avoid the conversation for a good hour.

Eventually, though, Rachel would not let this stand any further.

After they finished their third 150cc cup, Rachel set her controller down and said, "Guys? We need to talk."

Steph winced. Even if that was the reason why they were here, those were precisely the words she didn't want to hear. Nonetheless, she shut off the Wii and TV. Rachel patted the ground in front of her, and Chloe slipped from Steph's couch to the ground beside her. Steph followed suit, crossing her legs then dropping into her self-made seat.

How do you even start a conversation like this?

Rachel took a deep breath. "First, I just want to acknowledge that we were drinking last night, and things got a little messy and I may have things kind of askew in my head. But the thing is, on my end at least . . . I liked how last night went."

Chloe glanced between them. Her jaw was set and tense, like she was grinding her teeth, her brow furrowed. She asked, "What are you . . . referring to?"

Rachel brushed her hair behind her ear. "Well, um. I told Steph that we . . . were together last night. And I liked that. But I liked all of it. Like, when you two kissed," she tapped her finger-tips together, as if to mimic their kiss, "- that was pretty nice. And just. The whole thing."

"I thought that made you really uncomfortable?" Steph asked, puzzled. 

Rachel shook her head. "No, not, uh, exactly. I thought it was cool, I just . . . maybe liked it too much and I thought that might go weird places."

It took a few seconds to Rachel's meaning to sink it, but it clicked into place with an, "Oh," from Steph.

Rachel started speaking faster now, "Yeah, and I liked it but I also felt pretty jealous because I'd never kissed either of you and that did go kind of weird places," she gave Chloe a pointed glance, but Chloe clearly didn't know how to emote in response.

Visibly uncomfortable, Chloe asked, "Rachel . . . what are you trying to say?"

Rachel put her head in her hands and rocked back and forth for a few seconds, collecting her thoughts. Then she said, "Look, I know that I like both of you. I've known that the whole time, I just . . . I thought I had to decide who I really like or I was going to fuck everything up. But I think going about things that way is where I'm fucking up. I think I just have to tell you both that I like you and I want to know if that is a thing that could be okay with you."

Steph blinked, another piece of the puzzle clicking into place. "Wait, are you saying you want to date Chloe and me?"

Rachel nodded vigorously, visibly relieved that Steph had put it into words. "I do. I know we've only been hanging out together for a few weeks but I really like this. I'd just like to . . . add some stuff. Like. Kissing and having sex . . . please."

Steph was dumbstruck. She wasn't repulsed or anything, she just had absolutely not expected the conversation to go this place and had not been prepared in the slightest. She hadn't even pictured this as a possibility. She wasn't even sure it was a possibility. How do you date two people concurrently?

Chloe raised her hand as she were in a classroom, and Rachel nodded at her. Chloe said, "Yeah, well, if Steph's into it, I am. I like you - you know that. I'm willing to talk about it, at least."

How is it that easy for her? What? 

Rachel's attention turned back to Steph, and she made her nervous hair-brush tic again. "Steph?"

"I . . . I have no idea," Steph said, making a huge shrug. "I don't know what this would look like. Dates, hangouts, holidays - what would any of it look like? And what would Chloe and I be to each other then?"

"I dunno, friends?" Rachel said, shrugging in response. "Or . . . you could also . . ." she made another gesture like she had for their kiss, but more tentatively. She was blushing bright red, somehow more embarrassed about whatever she was trying to say now than all the bold stuff she'd already said.

"Also?" Steph asked. "Kiss? Or . . . date?" She grew increasingly perplexed with each question.

Rachel nodded again, tiny, nervous nods. Steph didn't think she'd ever seen her this meek about something, and knew she was stumbling into something Rachel wanted, but didn't know how to say.

Steph started to get caught in the same bog of embarrassment as Rachel. "I don't . . . think Chloe would be into dat-" but something about the way Chloe was looking at her gave her pause, and silence reigned for a moment.

"D-do you?" Steph finally stuttered out.

Chloe scratched the back of her head and replied, quiet, her voice mostly vocal fry: "I'd be down . . . if you are." When Steph just blinked at her, Chloe continued, more confidently, "You're like, really dorky and cute and hot, dude. Why do you think I was so into our kiss last night?"

"Because . . . because . . . we were drunk and . . ." Steph blinked dumbly for a few seconds, then just dropped onto her back. "BECAUSE I'M DUMB, OKAY?"

Today was too much. This whole conversation was entirely too much.

Eventually, from the floor Steph said, "Look, okay, yes. I like you both differently but I know if you asked separately I'd totally say yes. But is there like, a manual, or . . . something? I don't know what to do with the idea of two girlfriends."

"Actually," Rachel said with a self-conscious chuckle, "I kind of . . . was looking it up on my phone in the middle of the night, and there's like, a whole relationship-help genre for polyamorous people, and I was thinking if you two said 'yes' we could maybe buy some and read them together?"

Steph let out the longest sigh and then, "You're serious, aren't you?"

Rachel said, "I am."

"Chloe?"

"Hm?"

"I don't have a lot of date ideas yet, but if you're going to be sleeping over as often as you have been, we should . . . do that."

"Works for me."

Rachel scooted into Steph's field of view, raising up a finger for attention. She asked, "Steph?

"Yeah?"

"You and I are the only ones who haven't kissed yet. Would you mind if we did?"

Everything was already so crazy. And if there was any part of this that would make all the crazy feel worthwhile . . . maybe that was it. "Sure," she said. "Like, yes."

And Rachel leaned over and kissed her gently, sweetly, her curtain of hair falling over the both of them, blotting out everything but that long, lovely kiss.

When it ended, Rachel whispered, "Girlfriends?"

"Girlfriends," Steph whispered back, her voice filled with wonder.

[elenamatisstuff]

Geetrick, like maybe a High School AU? Uh, them being awkward about feelings and shit.

okay, so... it’s not as awkward as i wish it’d be, and it’s pretty angsty. I tried so hard, i tried to finish something i didn’t know where i was going with and i haven’t read through it yet, i let my sister read it and tell me what she thought. She said i shouldn’t change anything, so i just didn’t change it. My sister informed me that somehwere “Kevin” is written with a small k, so... just ignore that, i can’t find it.

Calm Before The Storm 

Geetrick fic

Words:8036

Genre: a little angst, mentions of smut

Warning: almost�� a panic attack, mentions of fears, homophobia, a slight bit of awkwardness, highschoolers being dumb.

////

The silence was rushing through Gerard's ears like water. It was so loud and tense. He hated this. Only the sounds of pencil scraping itself off on paper broke through the ticking silence. He hated this sound, he liked the sound of pens better. But Gerard wasn't the on deciding, then he wasn't the one writing. He was just sitting and waiting for this damn clock to break down and let him alone. He looked around the room and tried to distract himself while the pencil was still painting the paper into this ugly, silver colour, trying to find anything he hasn't seen yet. Pictures, lots and lots of vinyls, a bunch of records, a guitar, drum sticks, school stuff, tissues, posters... No, still the same fucking room he sat in almost everyday after school.

The pencil came to a stop and a hard slam against the desk and a deep sigh told Gerard that Patrick finally finished his homework. "Done!" He exclaimed, jumping out of his office chair and letting himself drop into his bed, right in front of Gerard, to face him. The blonde smiled. "I'm sorry you had to wait. I fell asleep in class again, so i had to write 'i will never sleep in class again' a hundred times." Patrick rolled his eyes and added:"As if that would change anything," Before he interacted his fingers with his own and leaned forward. "So? Tell me, how was that date with.. Susan? Sandra?" "Sarah." Gerard corrected. Patrick's smile now looked forced. "Yes, Sarah... How was it?" Gerard sighed and leaned back against the headboard of Patrick's bed. "She doesn't like anything i do. No comics, she's not into the same music and she absolutely hates every movie i like. She thinks the end of Rocky Horror doesn't make sense.. she just didn't understand what a piece of art was created! God! I will never go out with her again.. i don't even think i will talk to her anytime soon again. Fuck that, i'm deleting her number, too!"

Patrick nodded, as if he understood what Gerard meant. He had to admit, that he didn't understand the ending of Rocky Horror either, no matter how often Gerard would explain that that's the point of it. He was glad the date didn't go that well. He didn't like Sarah and having her all cuddled up against Gerard everytime he wanted to spend some time with his friend would be just annoying.

"She isn't my type anyways," Gerard added, sighing again and closing his eyes for a second. He didn't like talking about this stuff. Not with Patrick. "Who is your type?" Gerard didn't had the right answer to that question. He didn't have a name in mind, he couldn't tell Patrick, all his brian was screaming right now was:"You, You, You, You!"

"Come on, Gee! there must be a girl that almost fits your type!" Patrick didn't know why he kept asking. He didn't know why he acted as if he cared. He didn't care about any chick or Gerard's love life, mostly because it didn't include Patrick, but he still kept turning the knife in Gerard's gut. "Honestly,-" Gerard started, sitting up properly, before his posture sacked forward. "-I don't think i'm into any kind of girl at the time..." Gerard blushed. "I know," Patrick admitted, forcing himself away from Gerard. He didn't want to hug him and feel it in his chest, this burning desire of wanting to hold Gerard forever and kiss him and love him. He adjusted in his comfortable warm spot on the blanket and rand through his hair. "But you know why we're doing this." Gerard nodded. "Yeah.. i-i know..." Gerard's eyes fell to his hands, that nervously picked at the blanket he sat on.

Patrick felt his heart break when he saw Gerard's distant look in his eyes. He dared to lay his hand on the pretty boy's shoulder, trying to gesture his support and sorrow. Gerard's parents aren't really supportive of him being pansexual. They don't really like homosexuality, so Gerard tried his best to scrape that bit of straightness in him to just ignore every pretty dude and person he saw, to just look at girls. It was hard. Gerard hated it. Mostly, because he hated every girl that went to school with him.

"Hey, i heard Barbara has a thing for you," Patrick said, trying to smile a little, at least a little bit, just for Gee, what ended in a light flinching of Patrick's right lip corner. It didn't look nice at all, rather unhealthy and forced. He was glad Gerard was looking at his own hands. "Barbara is cute.." Gerard admitted. "I will ask her out."

With that, the topic "Finding a girlfriend for Gerard so he doesn't have to tell his parents that he's pan" was done. Patrick quickly changed topic. "So,.. did you hear something new about Pete?" Gerard looked up from his hands, directly into Patrick's blue eyes. Patrick felt as if Gerard was directly staring into his soul. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Patrick dropped his hand and pulled it close to his body, making sure to not touch Gerard in any way.

"Mikey told me he's in that clinic again." Gerard tried to remember the name, but he couldn't. It was some foreign sounding name, maybe polish or german. "He tried to... you know." "Yeah." Patrick quickly interrupted before Gerard was able to say it. "Fuck.." He added, not having thought Pete had tried again. Patrick ran his hand through his hair again. Gerard hoped he'd stop doing that, because he looked so damn pretty when he did that. Gerard hated the fact that Patrick was the prettiest boy on the entire school. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't fair.

"Yeah.. fuck."

The ticking seemed to grow louder and louder by any second that passed by. Everyone was still writing, pens, pencils, fountain pens- every fucking noise was driving Gerard insane. He wanted to get up and leave. He was done with his test, why the fuck did he have to stay in class? His foot couldn't stay still, making his leg jump and hit against his desk a couple of times before he tried to sooth his nervous leg with taking a couple of deep breaths through his nose.

This wasn't fucking possible. He hated this. How did the ticking of the clock get even louder? Why is he flinching everytime someone sneezes or coughs?Why is this lesson so fucking loud, even though no one dares to breathe?!

"Mr. Smith!" Gerard exclaimed, standing up and accidentally pushing his chair back, what hardly scratched along the floor and made an unpleasant sound. Most students looked up and wondered what the hell was going on. "I finished my test and i don't feel good. Can i please get some fresh air?" Mr. Smith looked at Gerard with a worried look when he saw how much paler he was than the usual. "Hand me your test and take a student with you that also finished his test." Another squeaking and scratching sound of a chair being pushed back made Gerard flinch. "I finished. Can i leave with Gerard?" The raven haired boy visibly relaxed when he recognized the voice. It was Patrick. Thank god, it was Patrick! Gerard rushed forward to slam the test on the teacher's desk, and then run out of the room.

The world seemed to collapse around him and his heartbeat was loud, like a giant drum being banged heavily right next to his ear. He knew everything was fine, as soon as Patrick wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. The sob that then escaped Gerard's throat was one of relief. Just the presence of the blonde boy was enough to make Gerard's tension drop slowly and his body calm down. He didn't hear any annoying noises, just the faint beat of his heart and Patrick's breathing, that was rather shy and held back, as if he forgot how to breathe properly, and in fact, Patrick was struggling to breathe. Having Gerard so close tide his throat close with a strict rope and it squeezed every bit of oxygen out of Patrick's lungs. He felt as if he was wearing headphones in a quiet room with a couple of people in, trying to not breathe too heavy or loud, and not being able to hear it, and holding it in instead. Patrick had to admit, he often ran out of breath when he did that, mostly because of his asthma, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"It's okay," He then managed softly, inhaling Gerard's scent deeply, while he took a deep breath to calm down himself. Gerard's soft and quiet crying on Patrick's shoulder broke Patrick's heart, but still he was holding tightly onto his friend. "I'm here and i won't leave you. I promise." Gerard didn't believe Patrick, but he knew it was true. He didn't feel safe, but he knew he was.

"If the world gets too heavy put it on my back. I can take it for you, Gee. Y-you're not alone in this!" Patrick tried again to steady his breathing, but he really was too nervous to do so. He tightened his grip, holding onto Gerard desperately, as if he was trying to squeeze every bad thought and negative feeling out of Gerard. But it did not. It instead calmed Gerard down enough to shake in Patrick's arms. His crying was just a faint noise Patrick could only hear when he tried to, what he didn't do. Patrick closed his eyes, only for a moment and then, the moment was gone.

They suddenly broke apart. Gerard 's eyes and cheeks were red, just like his nose and lips. He looked like he'd been waiting for years to cry these feelings out. "You're so cheesy," Gerard finally said, voice broken from the crying. "W-what?" Patrick was confused, not really listening. Gerard was too damn pretty, even when he cried. Patrick felt like crying too, so god damn beautiful! "If the world gets too heavy put it on my back," Gerard quoted, having to smile slightly. Patrick mimicked his smile, and both of theirs grew wider until they laughed. "I'm sorry, i was trying to- y-you know what i meant with that." Gerard nodded and wiped his tears away, that were still not done from falling down the edge of his waterline. "I know.. it sounded nice, though. Thank you."

Patrick nodded gently. "Yeah, no problem.." It grew quiet again and Patrick tried his best to not get lost in those beautiful eyes he tried to avoid for weeks - if not months. Gerard put his first to his mouth and cleared his throat. "I think you can let go of me now." Patrick drew his eyebrows together and looked at Gerard rather confused, until he realized he still had his fingers digged in his friend's waist. He pulled his hands away as fast as he realised it and buried them back into his jeans pockets, where they formed tight fists.

"Wanna go.. back to class?" Patrick asked, blushing and looking at the floor, only barely gazing up to Gee. Gerard went pale. "I-i don't think i will survive it in there," He admitted. Patrick nodded harshly. "Of course, do- do you want to go for a walk and hang out with me? Get some fresh air?" Patrick's hands were kneading his thighs nervously through his pocket, trying his best to not stare at Gerard.

"Yeah.." Gerard took a deep breath before they both walked out of the building. keeping some distance, knowing that the slightest touch now would make them shudder. It was quiet. They had nothing to talk about. Patrick breathed in through parted lips, wanting to say something, but closing the again without having said one note. He needn't to ask how Gerard felt. Sure like shit after his almost-panic attack. Gerard was looking at the floor, counting his breaths, trying to keep them in a steady 3 second rhythm. Patrick felt his heart race. He wasn't sure what he was doing. Maybe it was okay that no one pointed out the uncomfortable silence, maybe it made it a little more invisible, but it only made it more obvious.

They sorted out a nice spot on the limited place of grass this school had outside and sat down. They both looked up to the clouded sky in disinterest. There wasn't much to see, except for a gray sky and birds flying by. It was rather cold and not really spring like. Gerard started to rip the grass out of the ground in small portions, with his pointer finger and thumb, before he ripped the grass apart in confetto-like portions he let fall to the ground again. Patrick hated this silence, while Gerard found it rather soothing. He wanted to talk to Gerard, he wanted to speak about silly things, he wanted to hear anything else than the screaming of flying or lost birds and the rush of leaves and branches slapping each other through the wind. It was so loud, but still so quiet. It drove Patrick insane

"Patrick?" Patrick flinched as soon as Gerard broke through the silence, trying to look at Gerard as fast as possible. "Yes?" Gerard kept ripping grass apart. "What if i fall in love with a guy? What if i have to explain my hickies? What if my parents want to meet Her but there is no HER! What if there's a HIM? What the fuck should i do?" Patrick looked back to the floor between his legs. Is he asking because there's a him? Patrick didn't like the thought of someone leaving hickies on Gerard. "Just say that it was a meaningless make out with a girl... invent names if you got to.." Patrick felt his chest tighten. Is there someone? "So..." Patrick began, scratching the back of his neck with hesitation. "Is there a him?" Gerard froze. Why would Patrick come to think that? What a silly thought! "N-No, there is no him..." Patrick nodded slowly. "Do you know someone you'd wish as your him?" Now it made Gerard nervous. "Why are we always talking about my love life? Why aren't we talking about yours for once? Is there a hot chick you'd love to do? Is there a cute girl with big ass and nice curves and whatnot?" Gerard spoke as if he wouldn't feel any attractions towards girls, what would be a lie. Gerard indeed felt enough for girls to sometimes question his pansexuality, but he didn't feel any attraction towards a girl at the time.

"No, there is no girl.." Patrick said, tense and stiff. He didn't like this. Gerard took a deep breath and wanted to apologize, but before he could lay his hand on Patrick's shoulder adn speak, he froze and decided to not touch Patrick. "I'm sorry, i didn't mean to-" "Of course not, it's okay." Gerard dropped his hand and looked back to the grass. His free hand continued to destroy the grass, while Patrick just sighed and ran through his hair. Maybe silence wasn't that bad.

Patrick let his hand fall and it landed directly onto Gerard's what made both freeze in, but only for half a second then they both pulled back quickly enough, a deep blush painting both of their cheeks. "I-I'm-" "F-forget it, it's nohing-" "I-i'm not gay, i-" "i-i know, d-don't worry-" They both saw each other's blushes but tried to ignore them. They both laughed nervously and looked back to whatever wasn't a cute boy.

The bell rang and without saying anything or exchanging a look, they both went back to their classes.

This was stupid. It was nothing, their hands just touched... and it let a lightning free in Patrick's veins, it freed a collection of emotions he thought he had locked away safely. He thought he had thrown the key away to that chamber he hid them in, but apparently, he hadn't thrown wide enough. Patrick noticed that it grew warm enough for the last bit of ice to melt on the lake. Patrick could even leave his winter jacket at home and put on something nicer, something that outlined his figure perfectly. He had lost some weight and he hoped Gerard would notice. It was such a stupid thing to point out, but Patrick was trying his best to seem attractive to Gerard, hoping Gerard would finally show some interest, but on the other hand hoped that Gerard quickly found a girlfriend so his parents would be proud. God, why the fuck did Patrick all of this? Why held he these feelings for a boy? Why couldn't it be a cheerleader? The chances would be the same, or at least he thought. The sun was slowly sinking down the horizon, not only inking the sky in a beautiful shade of warm orange and yellow, but also the icy lake in front of him. The city started to wake up and lights got turned on. It still wasn't nearly as beautiful as Gerard. Patrick exhaled out of his nose in amusement and dropped his face in his hands. Oh god, he couldn't believe his trail of thoughts. He was talking about a boy! Something Patrick had thought wasn't possible for him. But here he was, just hoping to be held by Gerard's strong arms and being kissed by those beautiful lips he dreamed about since middle school.

Patrick knew he had to go home. It wasn't as late as he hoped it'd be, but it was pretty late and he didn't want to miss dinner. His mom made pumpkin squared he just loved so, so much! He could never miss those! He stumbled across the streets of chicago rather lazily, not really wanting to get home, but also not able to wait any longer. Patrick waited for his bus, counting the gums that stuck on the pavement and guessing how old they are. When his bus arrived, he almost didn't want to step in. He wanted to be with Gerard right now, but he also knew he couldn't. Patrick took a seat on the very front, trying to avoid talking to anyone, but the bus was pretty empty anyways.

The streets grew darker and after half an hour and a bus later, Patrick was back home. As soon as he entered the house, he smelled the amazing scent of his mom's cooking, but his ears were filled with quite the opposite. "Should we tell him?" "No. Mom, no. It would kill the kid," "But he should know!" "Mom! No!" Patrick let his bag drop. "Mom? Kevin? I'm home!" Patrick threw his keys into the bowl that stood on a small table next to the door, before he stumbled his shoes off and hung his coat up. Kevin rushed to the front door. "hey, buddy! How was it? Is there still ice on the lake?" Patrick nodded shyly, hesitating to answer at all. "It was.. okay," He added to that. "What were you and mom talking about?" Kevin's smile froze in and something in his eyes changed. "N-nothing," He ran his hand through his hair that was a little lighter than Patrick's, and that clearly needed a fresh cut. Patrick had that habit too, he always did that when he was nervous. "Kevin," Patrick warned. "It's nothing, really. Uhm.. Are you hungry?" Patrick forced a smile on his lips, hoping to not seem to tired or pissed, or curious, before he nodded lightly.

Patrick took a seat on the dining table, his seat on the dining table and waited for his mom to put the food on the table, so he can eat a little and then stuff his mouth with pumpkin squares afterwards. He noticed that his mom was tense. She needed to say something Patrick would clearly not want to hear. "Are you doing alright? How is school?" Patrick's mom asked. Patrick shrugged and put another noodle in his mouth. "I think it's alright. Gerard didn't feel very good yesterday and we got to skip a lesson.  He comes over tomorrow, by the way. We wanted to play some video games." Patrick's mom nodded, looking at her plate, not eating much. Kevin was acting as if nothing was and kept eating like he normally would. Patrick felt sick to the stomach due the tension. When Patrick finished his plate, his mom was smiling again. "Pumpkin squares?" Patrick nodded harshly, finally smiling himself.

Gerard seemed distant in class and even when they sat in the bus, driving to Patrick's, he still seems sunken in thought. His hazel eyes shimmered in the warm light of spring coming up, but his face was as dark and cold as the deepest winter nights. Patrick was worried, but he tried to not show it. He hesitated to touch Gerard at all, since he looked so fragile and as if he didn't sleep. Patrick quickly excused himself by his mom as soon as he came home, telling her that he'd like to go upstairs with Gerard and play some video games. His mom just nodded, looking just as tired and distant as Gerard in the bus. Patrick wasn't sure what was going on but he was sure he was gonna find out soon.

They sat on Patrick's bed. The lights were dim and only the light of the television burned through the dark room. Gerard and Patrick sat close to each other to see the small monitor better. Their thighs touched but they ignored it and tried to not make it seem awkward, but it was. It felt weird. Something was off, Patrick noticed, then Gerard kept losing, even though he was way better at Mario Kart than Patrick. He didn't say anything, though. No one said anything. They kept their mouths shut and just played. Gerard didn't like how it aggressively smelled like Patrick in this room. Patrick didn't smell bad, that wasn't really the point, it was just that Gerard felt his chest tighten the more he thought about telling Patrick. "Can i open a window?" Gerard asked, trying to avoid Patrick's eyes. "Sure.. is something wrong?" Gerard got up and opened Patrick's window, before he let himself fall back into the bed. "I don't-" Gerard stopped, taking a deep breath and trying to unclench his muscles. "No- i mean, i'm fine." Patrick smiled widely. "Do you need a hug?" Gerard smiled back, having to chuckle. "No, i really don't!"

They both went quiet again. They both felt it in their chest, this pulling tension of wanting to be close, but not being able to. "Gee?" Gerard flinched. "Yes?" Patrick looked back to his hands. "Did you find a girlfriend yet?" Gerard couldn't hear it anymore. "Is this the only thing you want to know?" He spat, obviously irritated. Patrick quickly raised to his feet. "I didn't meant to offend you, i-" "No, you just want to find me a girlfriend so i stop whining about my parents, i got it." Patrick wasn't sure how to react. "No, no of course not!" He came closer to his friend, burying his hands deeply in his jeans pockets to not touch Gerard accidentally. Gerard didn't believe him, scoffed and turned away, he avoided Patrick. "Gee, come on.. You know it's not true. You know that i-i love you." Patrick's voice gave up and shook while he said that. He loved Gerard, damn how much he loved him, but not just as a friend and that stung deeply. It left a scar that has never been destined to heal.

"Gee,.." Gerard flinched again. He heard what Patrick said. "I.. i love you." Gerard looked back into Patrick's ocean blue eyes and swore he already heard the waves crashing themselves against the sand on the beach. "I-" Gerard interrupted himself and took a deep breath. He hated to hear this. He hated that Patrick loved him as a friend, he hated how he had to make that clear. "I love you, too." Gerard sighed, even though he meant it differently. Patrick knew Gerard wouldn't understand it, but he also wasn't sure if he wanted Gerard to understand.

Patrick slid closer to Gerard and laid his hand on top of Gerard's tight fist that began to relax. Gerard raised his head and saw how close Patrick was. He could see that tiny bit of yellow around his pupil, what made his eyes look so green, and the way his eyelashes curled upwards in the slightest, his messy, light brown to dark blonde hair that fell right above his eyelid- he saw the most beautiful thing he could have possibly seen on this planet. "You're so pretty, Gee," Patrick almost whispered. He wasn't sure what he was doing, he just knew that he somehow came even closer to Gerard and that their heads leaned closer and their lips brushed and-

"Hey, do you guys want some pumpkin squares?" Gerard and Patrick flinched away. Patrick quickly took his hand away and stood up, facing his mother now and putting on a fake smile. "Yeah- uhm, sure! Gee, you want some pumpkin squares?" Gerard stood up and put on his best smile for Mrs. Stumph. "Sure, why not?" She smiled widely. "Great! come downstairs, we have some left Patrick didn't get to eat yet," She explained. Patrick blushed and followed his mom when she turned around to leave. Gerard followed Patrick, having a great view of his ass while they walked.

The kitchen was warmer than Patrick's room. The chairs were comfortable to sit in and the warm light of the kitchen lamp made the colour of the light brown wooden table stick out even more. Patrick and Gerard kept looking at each other while they ate. Their eyes were focused on each other, their look ship-sunken deep. Gerard wasn't sure if he even blinked during their stare-session. And it sure was the longest they have looked into each other's eyes without laughing. There was nothing to laugh at. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing happened and they promised it with just a look of hesitation and terror.

"Do you like the pumpkin squares?" Gerard nodded slowly, their look still consistent. "They're delicious." Patrick nodded in response.

School was loud and annoying, band practice was exhausting and talking to Gerard- impossible. Patrick sat in Gee's bed, waiting for Gerard to end this hell of a drawing he decided to work on to avoid Patrick. It was obvious that he was ignoring Patrick, when Gerard also started to listen to music. With headphones. "I love you, i love you, i fucking love you, why the fuck is this so fucking complicated?" Patrick whispered, knowing Gerard couldn't hear it. Patrick rose to his feet, accepting that this made no sense. Nothing made sense anymore. Just because Patrick was a coward who couldn't even kiss the boy he liked for so long. Just because Patrick had to fall in love with a guy, that could never love him back. Patrick took Gerard's headphones off, gently removing them and placing them on Gee's shoulders, around his neck. "I'm leaving. I forgot my guitar at Pete's place," Patrick lied. Gerard's eyes seemed sad and slightly disappointed. "Are you coming back later?" Patrick wished he could, damn he wished he could come back and kiss this pretty lips he imagined feeling for so many nights. "N-no, i don't think i can.." Patrick almost felt bad for wanting to leave all of the sudden. "Are you leaving because i'm-" Gerard didn't want to say ignoring or avoiding, but that's what he was doing. "N-no, i-i just-" Patrick stopped in the middle of his excuse when he noticed, that Gerard wasn't buying it. "Why are you avoiding me? Why can't you just talk to me like we used to do? Why are you so distant?" Gerard looked to his lap. They both knew why, but Patrick wanted to hear it. He wanted to know how Gerard felt about the almost kiss. He wanted to know if he had a chance with Gee. He needed to know.

Gerard raised to his feet, looking at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in this room. He blindly took Patrick's hand and pulled him back to the bed, where Gerard took place next to Patrick. Their hips touched. Gerard felt his heart beat in his throat, it was hard to swallow and he felt like choking on his words that kept him wide eyed under starless skies. He was caught in a thought that kept him hopeless, that made him crazy, that made him sick. "Yesterday.." Gerard began, his voice shaking harder than his hands that were tightly holding onto the sheets of his bed. "...we- we almost... did something, we.." Patrick wanted to stop Gerard from talking but instead, he held his breath in and kept his body stiff in place. "fuck, we almost kissed!" Patrick flinched and closed his eyes, deeply breathing in through his nose. "Gee, we-" "No, shut up, i'm talking!" Patrick re-opened his eyes and looked confused. "What- what happened? i'm- you- What?" Gerard didn't know how he should ask if Patrick had feelings for him. It made Gerard crazy, but he just couldn't ask it. Those words laid on his tongue, are carved into his mouth but his voice can't function to say them out loud. Patrick didn't know what to say and Gerard didn't push it. Patrick leaned closer, actually just wanting Gerar to finally meet his eyes, and when he did, they both froze.

Patrick felt himself lean closer. The urge to touch Gerard was too big, he needed to just- just that one time! Patrick never felt this weightless. His body moved by it's own, causing their lips to meet for a split second that felt so endlessly perfect. They broke away quickly. It was a quick peck, a light lip-bump, but it felt like so much more. Gerard and Patrick were both shocked, but still too close. They were like magnets who wanted to pull each other closer, but they were turned on the wrong side and instead pushed each other away to keep the same distance. They were stiff in place, trying to fight the tension that kept them distant to reconnect their lips, this time for a little longer. It was Gerard who pulled back. Their noses still touched and their eyes were still closed. Patrick laid his hand on Gerard's thigh and slightly parted his lips when he leaned in for a kiss again. This felt weird, almost wrong. It was so unknown, even though they had both kissed endless times before. This was different. Their lips tingled with the desperation of feeling other lips again, their chests were tight with the want to feel another body being pressed against them. Their fingers were itching with the desire to touch each other. Patrick pressed his lips against Gerard's harder this time, cupping his face gently and trying to take as much in as possible- this feeling, his scent, his lips... Gerard Laid both of his hands on the back of Patrick's neck, pulling him closer, but also supporting himself, while he hesitated to straddle Patrick.

In this moment, they knew they went too far and should stop, but they were lost in the feeling of pressed lips and chests and each other's near and warmth. They didn't know what they were doing, what it meant or why they kept going, but it felt so right. Patrick's hands shook when they formed on Gerard's waist, trying to pull him even closer and kiss his lips even harder, trying to melt together with his friend's body and become one. Trying to feel his heart beat in sync with Gerard's, trying to breathe him in and call him his. Trying to feel Gerard curl up against his chest to please his heart that grew more and more desperate for contact. Gerard wished to feel Patrick's lips forever, hoping to never have to detach them ever again. Gerard was drowning in the feeling of Patrick between his legs, pulling his even closer and holding his waist so firmly. They both didn't want to let go but they were still magnets and they just turned back to the same side.

Their lips didn't crash like waves anymore, they didn't fall together like the overlapping waves of stormy seas. They fell apart like a wave dying on dry sand. They moved away like a sinking ship being ripped in two and sinking away from its other half. It hurt to let Gerard back, worrying about this all alone on his bed, but Patrick left anyways, without having said one word. Gerard didn't even try to hold him back. He just started to understand. He understood now. It was crazy, it was awful, it hurt. But he understood. Now he knew why storms were named after people. And just before the storm started, it ended in a loud door that fell into its locker and everything went silent, everything was calm.

Suddenly, Gerard felt this relief of finally being alone, finally thinking about what just happened. Why would Patrick do that? Was he trying to make fun of Gerard? Gerard didn't find the strength to ask more questions as those were already his answers. He laid back and let the silence crush him.

When Patrick stumbled down the stairs of his mom's house, he felt the scent of breakfast tingle in his sleepy senses. He took a seat next to his brother and kinda felt like today was gonna be different. He wasn't thinking about Gerard when he felt like that. Today was gonna be different. Today was gonna be a good day. Patrick grabbed an apple and ate that instead of the egg and bacon his mom made. Today, Patrick will go up to Gerard and not act as if nothing happened between them. He won't hide any longer. This sudden burst of confidence surprised Patrick. He wasn't sure where this was going, but he will use it to talk to Gerard!

Patrick didn't saw Gerard in the bus which was weird. He was also missing at school. Patrick's confidence vanished, disappeared, evaporated. Patrick shouldn't have kissed Gerard, he's missing only because of that, he- he ruined everything! He fucked up! Classes were even more boring without Gerard drawing next to Patrick. Patrick loved to watch him draw. He loved to see all the gay couples Gerard drew, wishing he could have what he drew in real life. Patrick wished that ,too, for Gerard. Patrick sighed and let his head fall to the desk. His heart was beating shyly, tight with the knowledge Gerard didn't go to school because Patrick was an asshole. He tried to ignore the voice in his veins that told him to get up and visit Gerard right now. He tried to fight the urge from running out of class and going over to Gee's. He tried to do the right thing and let him alone.

When Patrick let his backpack fall next to the front door in the corridor of his mom's house, he heard loud crying from the kitchen. It was his mom and knowing that broke his heart into a million pieces. He almost ran into the kitchen, ignoring that he already had sports today and that his body was hurting. "Mom?" Patrick froze when he saw his dad, his mom and his brother sitting by the kitchen table. They all looked crushed and as if they cried earlier. Well, besides Patrick's mom who was still crying.

The room was filled with a tension that held Patrick's lungs in a tight grib. "What.. what are you doing here?" Patrick asked confused. He enjoyed seeing his dad, but he wasn't expecting his visit. "I wanted to see you," He said, smiling gently at his son. Patrick's mom scoffed. "Don't lie to him! Tell him what you want to do!" she got louder. It made kevin and Patrick flinch. "Mom!" Kevin warned, his voice wrecked. "Tell him why you came!" She said as loud as her sentence before. Patrick wasn't understanding. Patrick's dad took a deep breath and looked at Patrick. "Patrick, your mom and i talked about this some time before and we-" He interrupted himself with taking another deep breath, correcting his mistake. "I think... that you should come to live with me." Patrick's eyes drew confusion and anger. "no.." Patrick first whispered. "You would go to a new school, where the kids don't make fun of you, where you get to know new friends, where you can maybe find a girlfriend-" "N-No, i'm not- Mom!" Patrick turned to his mother, asking for help she couldn't hand him. "I can't afford a lawyer, Patrick. I can't demand you to stay here. Also, your father just wants the best for you.. i'm sure it won't be that bad." Patrick didn't believe her fake smile, and the wrong hope in her voice, as if she was trying to tell Patrick that everything was going to be alright while stabbing him in the back.

Patrick knew he couldn't do anything against his dad's word. "I hate you... why do you want to take my life away? My friends, my school, my home, Gerard!" Patrick felt his eyes sting and he tried his best to not shed any tears. "You can visit Gerard-" "I don't want to visit him, dad! I want to be with him! I want to stay here and see him everyday! I want to sleep at his place when he gets a new video game, i want to go over to him to watch him draw and to take a nap with him! I don't want to replace him with some chick i don't care about!!" Patrick now wiped his sweater over his eyes to not show the tears that were about to fall over his cheeks. "I understand that you're upset about leaving and going to a new school, but you can't change it. You will come with me." Patrick's dad sounded so stern and angry all of the sudden. Patrick yelled a last "I hate you!" Before he ran out of the house, down the street, not knowing where he went, just hoping that he took the right way. He ran and ran and felt his muscles hurt, his lungs sting with the dry afternoon in the air and his sight blurr out from all the tears. He can't leave Gerard. He can't move away and leave him! Patrick felt as if he was drowning, as if he was in the middle of the ocean while it's storming and the huge waves and throwing him against the riffs, against stones, cliffs, as if he was completely under control of this sea of emotion that is abusing his mind. Patrick felt as if he woke up on the wrong side of reality. This was unreal, this is just a dream! he kept telling himself over and over again.

Patrick felt his knees go weak but he kept running, he kept running away from his parents, from his responsibilities, from admitting Gerard that he's in love with him, with admitting himself that he's not straight- everything came crashing down, all at once and Patrick didn't know how to stop it. He wanted this all to just stop, he wanted the world to stop turning, he wanted to stop his heart from beating! This was too much. Patrick fell to his knees and panted hardly. Sweat was running down his face, mixed with tears dropping off his jaw onto to hot pavement. He felt like fainting. His head was spinning, but he wasn't far from his destination. He was only a couple of blocks away, he just had to get up and keep running, but his legs were too weak. He pulled the collar of his shirt up to wipe his face with it before he adjusted to sit on the side of the pavement.

He watched the cars drive by, throwing rocks onto the streets while they were passing by, ignoring the swearing from drivers who had obviously no chill. Patrick wasn't sure what he was doing at this point. He should have taken the bus instead of running half a mile without a break. He got up and stood weak on his knees. he kept walking and wiping his face. He hated how hot it suddenly got. It was an unusual day for Chicago. It wasn't windy at all and there wasn't even a single cloud that could have guaranteed rain. The sky was just as blank as Patrick's mind. He was done, he wanted to give up, end this all- but first he had to talk to Gerard. The so well known oak wood of Gerard's front door seemed like home to Patrick. Man, how much he'd miss to go through this door. He raised his heavy arm and forced himself to knock, having to whimper quietly of the burn in his triceps. Gerard opened the door, giving Patrick a look of confusion. "What are you- did you run? Are you crying?" Gerard couldn't decide on what to ask first, growing more and more concerned about Patrick. "I-i have to move to my dad," Patrick said, voice stained with tears. Gerard didn't say anything. He just stood there, looking at Patrick with red eyes, hoping Patrick was kidding, hoping this wasn't true. "I don't want to go." Patrick's voice shook. He didn't want to cry, but he couldn't help it. Gerard swallowed hardly and pulled Patrick into a hug, ignoring that he was sweaty. "I-i don't want to leave you," Patrick sobbed into Gerard's shirt, what made the tears rise in Gerard's eyes and bury his head in Patrick's shoulder. He tried so god damn hard, but he couldn't hold his sobbs back.

Patrick's dad would pick Patrick up in two weeks, what gave Gerard and Patrick only two more weeks of seeing each other daily. They didn't know what to do, how to spend time together in a way it was worth it. Their parents allowed them to have sleepovers even though they had to go to school. Patrick often laid awake, wishing to cuddle with Gerard, wishing to have him lay in his arms. He had to fight the urge to explore the dark to sneak onto Gerard's side. He wanted to sleep next to the person he loved, but a good two feet separated them from each other.

Gerard wasn't sure if he was gonna survive the time without Patrick. Patrick was the only one at school who didn't ignore Gerard. Who didn't act as if Geard was invisible. Patrick was the reason Gerard stopped stealing his dad's alcohol. How much he wished to feel Patrick's warmth again. His lips, sweeter than his scent of honey and strawberries, the feeling of the, holding on so tightly, onto Gerard, not wanting to ever let him go... This was kept unspoken. Gerard didn't know why he told himself that this kiss meant something to Patrick. It was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen. How much he wished to explore the dark to feel the warmth of Patrick's body...

One night, their last night, they both couldn't sleep. They knew what was coming. They knew this would change them forever. Their lips colliding like cars, with a strength, with passion and desire, that it made the darkness fade. It stood unspoken in the room, not knowing what it meant for them. Their teeth met, what made them blush, but they ignored it and kept kissing. Patrick was trying his best to not think about the next morning, he just wanted to focus on Gerard's lips, those perfectly, warm lips, that felt so rough and scratchy, but just in the right way. Patrick loved the feeling of Gerard pushing himself closer, wanting to have more.

Gerard's hand cupped Patrick's jaw, before it gently fell to Patrick's thigh. Patrick shivered, feeling his muscles unclench as he let the touch happen. Patrick was being rocked into some sort of trance, lost in Gerard's kisses, lost in the taste of his tongue and little sighs. Gerard's hand cupped Patrick's crotch, gently pressing down onto it. Patrick flinched and groaned surprised. He pulled back from the kiss, holding Gerard's waist a little tighter to make sure he would stay there. He couldn't see Gerard, even though he wished he could. "Gee, what are you doing?" The warm palm of Gerard's hand pressed back against Patrick's dick, before he straddled Patrick. "I will miss you, Trick," He whispered hotly, as softly as the wind whispers sweet thoughts. "I want to show you how much i'd miss you." Gerard's hands tightened in the collar of Patrick's purple Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt, and pulled Patrick forward into another kiss.

It drove Patrick crazy, the way Gerard's hips moved, the warmth of his body and the feeling of having him. They were just two 16 year old boys, desperate for each other's lips, desperate for their best friend they wished was more. The breaths they shared, the kisses that stained their skin like bruises, and the nails they digged into soft thighs and arched backs, all that would get forgotten the moment they stopped. The mess on Gerard's sheets, the scent of Patrick they held, all that would get denied and ignored. They were holding onto each other so tightly, afraid if they'd let go, they'd fade and disappear in the hot and dark room. Gerard wanted this moment to last forever, wanted to smell Patrick's scent forever while he felt Patrick's arms being wrapped so tightly around him. Patrick was drifting off into sleep, but Gerard couldn't sleep. He kept his head pressed against Patrick's chest while he drew circles with his middle finger on Patrick's bare hip. He wanted this to last, he wanted to fall asleep like that every night. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, breathing in the scent of their combined bodies and their used sheets. "I love you, Patrick," He whispered. Gerard doesn't think he'd miss Patrick more than obvious, mostly because he can't miss something he never had.

Patrick hated school, hated living with his dad and hated having to act as if Gerard isn't the only reason he wanted to stay with his mom and his brother. After school, Patrick always ran upstairs into his room and locked the door. His dad always thought he did that because of his teenager boy needs of staying alone, but that wasn't the reason at all. He always called Gerard and phoned with him until they fell asleep on the phone. "How was your day?" Patrick asked, happy to hear Gerard's voice again.

"Pretty okay, i got my chemistry test back and.. well, i got an B+, probably my best grade this year." Patrick smiled widely. "Hey, that's great! We should celebrate that next weekend when i come to visit you." Gerard now chuckled. "I can steal my dad's cheap champagne?" There was nothing Patrick loved more than drinking cheap champagne with Gerard. "Sounds awesome." There was a pause. Patrick wasn't sure if Gerard went and already got the champagne, or if Gerard was thinking about something. "Patrick?" "Yes?" "I'm dating Rebecca now." Patrick forced himself to smile, while tears filled his vision. "I'm glad you found someone." Gerard sighed what made Patrick shiver. "I don't love her." Patrick sniffled and wiped his tears away. "i know."

Patrick let himself fall onto his bed gently, closing his eyes and trying to focus on the silence in Wilmette he could hear through the phone. "I love you," Gerard admitted, what made Patrick smile again and sigh. "Yeah, i love you, too.." This time, they knew it. They knew it wasn't a 'I love you' between friends.

They finally understood and just as they thought the storm was at its loudest, it calmed down and the waters were silent.

[ethxndolan]

Grayson Dolan Must Die (G.D.) Part 9

Summary: Grayson Dolan is known as the schools womanizer. His ability to make a girl fall in love with him, and drop her within a week is legendary. When a series of events peaks Grayson’s interest in Y/N, she is recruited by three of his exes to break his heart in a very public way and exact revenge for all the pain he has caused. However, nothing goes according to plan… and Y/N may be in way over her head navigating the whit and charm that is Grayson Dolan.

A/N: lol i leid i think theres gonna be 11 parts 

Word Count: 1,889

MASTERLIST

Grayson and I spent nearly the entire weekend together plotting and scheming. He took it upon himself to name us the Grayson Dolan Must Not Die Duo, also known as operation GDMNDD. He thought it was funny.

I told the GDMD girls that our date Friday night had gone extremely well, that Gray was an amazing kisser - a detail he insisted on adding or “they would know I was lying”. They were eager to move the plan along so they were totally cool and supportive of me hanging out with him all weekend. Especially when I provided details like he couldn’t stay away from me, he said I was the greatest girl he’d ever met, and that he had made me a playlist full of love songs - a detail which I insisted was important, but Grayson disagreed.

Monday morning I was standing at my locker grabbing my books for the day, when Gray walked up to me, wrapped an arm around my neck and kissed me on the cheek. “Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I replied. We had decided to make it seem like we were dating so the GDMD girls didn’t suspect anything. So while I knew this interaction was fake, the stupid grin that was plastered on my face as I looked up at him wasn’t. And that worried me a little.

He leaned in and pressed his lips close to my ear as he whispered, “So you remember what you have to do right?”

It took me a second to sort through my thoughts and not the raging waves of heat that were rolling through my body. “Yeah, totally. I’m more worried about you.”

He put his hand against his chest and playfully looked offended. “I’ve got this, don’t worry, partner,” he said. “I’ll text you when it’s done.” He winked at me before placing a kiss on my forehead and walking away. My heart was beating erratically from nerves, from feelings I was unsure about, and general dread of what I had to do later today.

Grayson’s POV

I pushed open the doors of the front office and sauntered in. “Hey Mrs. G,” I said walking up to her desk and leaning against it. I gave her my best smolder, I had been told it was excellent in the past and I wasn’t afraid to use it to my advantage.

The school secretary looked up at me fondly. “Grayson, how are you?”

“I’m good,” I responded. “But, more importantly, how are you? Is your cat doing any better?” I hated small talk like this, but I knew asking about her cat was the best way to schmooze her. She was one of those crazy cat ladies who talked about them like they were her children.

She looked over at the picture of her cat and caressed the frame. “He’s doing much better, thank you.” Her eyes went back to me as a wide grin spread across her face. “You’re so sweet for remembering.”

“Can’t forget anything about you,” I said and gave her a quick wink. “Speaking of forgetting things, I completely forgot what period Rachel Gates has gym. I have her, uh, inhaler and I need to make sure she gets it.”

Her brows furrowed in confusion. “Since when does Rachel have asthma?”

“It’s an, um, new development. It was really dramatic she found out last week when she got too excited over getting asked to homecoming. It was really bad, she couldn’t breathe, she turned all red … not a good situation. So you see, I really needs to make sure she gets it before gym,” I said. I didn’t even know how asthma worked, I was straight up lying through my teeth and I was hoping Mrs. G couldn’t see through it. Everything was riding on this. If I couldn’t pull this off Y/N and I were fucked.

She sighed heavily, “Grayson, you know I’m not supposed to give out that kind of information…”

I gave her my best smile and made sure to look directly in her eyes. “Come on Mrs. G, you know this stays between us. Our little secret,” I said huskily.

She blushed in response and shifted in her seat as she sought about it for a second. “Okay, fine.”

—

I found out Rachel had gym fourth period. So as soon as the bell rang to dismiss third period I darted to her locker to wait for her. When she finally came I could see she was trying to look annoyed by my presence, but it was easy to see how fake it was. She loved when people paid attention to her. “Hey, Rach,” I said.

“Grayson,” she muttered. I watched carefully as she put her combo into her locker. Luckily it was still early enough in the school year that she wasn’t a complete whiz at it, and put it in slowly enough that I could catch it. “What can I do for you?” she asked, side eyeing me.

“Well, actually I need a favor.”

She raised an eyebrow as if she was surprised, but her tone said she wasn’t. “Oh?”

“Can I use your phone real quick? Mine’s dead and I desperately need to text Ethan real quick.” I knew a simple smile and light flirting wasn’t going to do the trick with Rachel, so I had to try a different tactic.

“Why wouldn’t you ask somebody, who I don’t know, likes you? I really couldn't give a shit if you’re able to text your dumb brother or not,” she said. They way her voice rose told me she was lying, she definitely still liked me.

Letting the comment about my brother roll off my back, which was not easy to do, I leaned in close to her and said, “Come on, Rach, don’t be like that. I really think you and I should reconnect, you really did me a solid when you told me all about Y/N’s plan. That means a lot to me.” I reached up and pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear. That did the trick.

Her eyes practically melted as I could see her resolve quickly disappear. “I heard you still went out with her this weekend.”

I shrugged. “Don’t worry, she’ll get what she deserves.” And I could honestly say I wasn’t lying. I would do anything to make sure this video of Y/N never got out, it was literally the only thing that mattered to me.

“Fine, but be quick I don’t want to be late to gym,” she said.

“You got it.” I watched her type in her passcode and then hand her phone to me. I typed some bullshit message to Ethan about football practice changing times. I handed it back to her, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, so about reconnecting-“

“Oh was that the bell? I have to go to class. See ya!” I dipped out of there so fast, not wanting to have that conversation. I walked down the next hall and waited till the bell actually rang and the halls cleared out.

I walked back to Rachel’s locker, looked around to make sure no one was there, and then put in her combo and opened it up. We weren’t allowed to take our backpacks or cellphones with us to gym class. So just as I had assumed, I saw her shiny black phone sitting on the shelf in her locker. I grabbed it, put in her code and did what I needed to do.

Y/Ns POV

Grayson had texted me and told me his part of the plan had been successful. That eased my anxiety only a little bit, because now it was my turn. I had texted the GDMD girls and called for an emergency meeting after school in the library.

I was the last one to show up, and they were not happy about it. “Y/N, what the fuck? Where have you been?” Megan asked. She looked so out of place in the library, I might have laughed if the situation was different.

“Sorry,” I muttered nervously.

Rachel was on her phone and didn’t even look up as she said, “Well? What is it? Some of us have actual lives.” It was fascinating that she thought that was an insult, considering her life seemed to revolve entirely around Grayson. I wondered if she ever truly meant to go through with the plan of ruining his reputation, or if she was always planning to turn around and tell Gray all about it in an attempt to get back in his good graces.

“Well, um,” I started. I could hear the nerves in my voice and I was actually glad for them for once. “I kind of… I can’t do this anymore. I won’t do this to Gray.” I fidgeted with my fingers and refused to look up at them.  

“What?!” They all shrieked. I could feel three pairs of eyes burning holes into me.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Sabrina spat.

“I just… I really like him, like maybe more than like… and I can’t hurt him like this.” I was doing my best to only say the truth because I knew I was a terrible liar.

Megan laughed so hard she started to tear up. “You can’t be serious?” When I didn’t say anything she stopped laughing. “Y/N, if he wasn’t into me, I can tell you he’s not into you. Look at you,” she said, and pointed to me up and down. “You’re pathetic, literally the only reason he’s even looking at you right now is because we helped you. And you just going to turn  around and stab us in the back like this?”

“You’re delusional,” Sabrina said, “You’re just like the rest of us, as soon as he gets what he wants he’s going to break your heart.”

I shook my head. “No, he won’t you don’t understand. What we have is real and-“

Rachel cut me off. “Oh, honey. What you have isn’t real, not when we’ve made you. He wouldn’t like the real you, the nerd who hooks up with losers like Connor, who spends her weekends at home. He may be interested in the you we’ve invented, but do you really think he’s going to stick around as soon as we stop helping you? Helping you with what to say, what to wear, what to do… You’re nothing without us.” Her words cut deep because I knew there was a strong possibility they could be true. “Besides, if you back out now, I will release the video. I will make sure the whole school sees your sex tape.”

Genuine tears started falling out of my eyes. Even though it hurt, it was good that they’re words were having an impact on me, because I was no actress. “Please don’t….I can’t do this… I … I love him,” I muttered. I wiped the tears off my cheeks, but more just replaced them.

Rachel picked up her purse and glared at me. “You stupid bitch. I’m going to ruin your life.” Her shoulder slammed into me as she walked by. Sabrina and Megan did the same thing as they left me standing in the library.

The damage was done. I just had to hope Grayson and I’s planned played out like we expected.

[kaspbroughed-blog]

Soulmates

Part 2/? Ships: Kaspbrough, Stozier, maybe more in the future idk  Trigger Warnings: Beware...this is kind of cute.

After Eddie said goodbye and went inside his shared apartment with Richie, he put away his leftovers and got ready for bed, despite the fact it wasn’t even 9 o’clock yet. He curled up in bed and turned his TV on, deciding to find some cheesy movie on one of his many movie providers. Despite his protest of love, he put on Love, Actually, and fell asleep thinking about the tattoo on his best friend’s arm. The tattoo was small, a black bird. Richie had stated his arm had been burning for a few days, which Eddie had seemed to ignore, despite the fact that was usually the number one sign that your soul mate was nearby.

As Eddie begins to fall asleep, his right arm begins to tingle, but by the morning time, it’s been forgotten.

Eddie wakes up around 8 AM the following morning and begins his daily routine. He doesn’t bother brewing any coffee, because he knows Richie wasn’t going to be there ; he knew this even before Richie texted him that night, informing him of just that. Eddie doesn’t drink much coffee, anyways. For the most part, the only time he really drinks coffee is when he makes it for Richie or at his job – otherwise, he probably wouldn’t even think to make any. Instead of getting coffee, he brews up himself a hot cup of green tea and makes some toast. When the toast pops, he lathers an unhealthy amount of butter on it and proceeds to pour sugar over top of the toast.

The first time he did that, Richie looked at him like he’d been insane.

( “What are you doing, Eds? That cannot be healthy!”  “It’s not,” Eddie replied with a blank look on his face. “But when you have a mother like mine, you would also want to relish in anything and everything sweet when you get the chance.”

Richie never mentioned anything about it again. )

After breakfast, Eddie got his day officially started. It was Saturday, which, with all intent and purposes, meant that the Café on Campus would be closed – it was only open during the week days. Eddie tried sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays for this reason, but discovered that it was nearly impossible, due to their upstairs neighbors, whom had a two year old child that woke up at 7:30 AM on the dot every morning. Richie somehow seemed to sleep through it, whereas, Eddie could not.

He dressed in a bright pink polo ( “You know, Eddie, everyone knows you’re gay. You don’t need to show it off so much,” Richie teased him countless times for his attire. ) and khaki shorts with his worn black and white converse. Richie made fun of him, saying he’s been wearing the same things since they were in high school and Eddie usually didn’t react very kindly to it. Although… he wasn’t all that far off. Eddie wore the same size of shoe since he was sixteen years old and probably didn’t grow that much in height or weight since then. Bullies in high school called him a twink, which, at the time, he found highly offensive because he hadn’t yet come out to anyone – how could he when Sonia Kaspbrak put her nose up to anything that didn’t fit her views in life? Luckily, having Richie as a best friend, meant those bullies often got their faces smashed in – though, Richie rarely left without a bruise or two himself.

Once he was ready, teeth brushed, hair combed, all the necessities for the day, Eddie set out to the library. He had an exam on Thursday and despite the fact it was Saturday, he found it was necessary to begin his studying right away. Plus, the school library was usually barren of students on the weekends, so he always managed to settle in as quietly and as invisible as possible.

Today was different, though.

When Eddie arrived to the library, there was a new face greeting him at the front desk. He was a tall boy, with dark hair that seemed to glisten red in direct lighting – damn, Eddie was blown away.

He approached slowly, his nerves shaking him up and he has to turn away to pull his Inhaler from his trusty Fanny Pack, punching it into his mouth, and clicking it a few times. Eddie knows it isn’t his asthma that’s sparking up, but his anxiety, yet it helps calm him down regardless. When he finds he’s gathered enough, he finishes his trek to the front desk and offers a small smile to the boy standing there. Eddie failed to realize that this boy had been watching him the entire time.

“Y-you o-okay?” The boy asked, concern sweeping his features when Eddie paused at the desk. Eddie was about to ask him what he meant, when the boy answered it for him and motioned towards the Inhaler still in Eddie’s hands.

“Oh. Um, yeah, sorry – sometimes I just get a little overwhelmed. It was a long walk.” Now that Eddie is closer, he can see the freckles littering the boy’s features, bright blue eyes startling him so much that he has to release another breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding.

The boy doesn’t seem to notice – either that or he chooses to ignore it, for Eddie’s benefit.

“Have you always gone to this school?” Eddie asks, surprising even himself as ocean eyes, stare, evidently just as startled.

Laughter bubbles past plump lips and Eddie finds he can’t stop staring.

“I juh-just m-moved in with m-my fuh-friend a f-few weeks ago, but I’ve been d-doing online classes. He thought if I w-was going to do s-school at all, I m-may as well experience it t-the same way as him, you know?” He says, his ocean eyes never leaving Eddie’s face when he talks. He likes eye contact and Eddie supposes that makes sense, considering it’s probably hard for some people to take him seriously, considering his stutter. Of course, Eddie would never mention it – that would be rude, and he fashioned himself as a nice person… most of the time.

“Oh,” Eddie replies. “I wish I could talk my best friend in coming to school, but he’s fucking persistent that if he did, he’d never come to class, anyways.”

The stranger nods his head and smiles. His smile is beautiful, just like the rest of him, and Eddie’s face lights up in embarrassment from the thought. “T-that makes sense, though.” He nods and opens his mouth to continue when an elderly woman – the librarian – comes out from the room behind Mr. Beautiful and barks at him.

“What are you doing? I told you we need to finish alphabetizing these books! Get to it! We don’t have all day!” She doesn’t even acknowledge Eddie.

“O-okay, I’ll be ruh-right there, Mrs. Palinski.” She disappears back into the office halfway through Mr. Beautiful’s statement. He turns back to Eddie and shoots him a sheepish look. “S-sorry, I g-gotta go. F-first week, I can’t m-make a bad impression.” Before Eddie has a chance to respond, Mr. Beautiful disappears into the office after the librarian, leaving Eddie alone, staring at the spot where the other had just been standing.

Eddie finds himself at a loss. He doesn’t see Mr. Beautiful again and he can hardly concentrate on his studying – so he leaves before lunch time and heads on home. When he gets back home, he finds that Richie is already there… and thankfully, there was no sign of Stan.

Eddie feels immediately guilty when that thought passes his mind and he shoves it away. If Richie was happy, he really needed to learn to be happy for him.

Richie notices Eddie before Eddie speaks and smiles broadly at him.

“Eddie Spaghetti!”

Eddie wrinkles his nose in distaste and he slinks his backpack to the ground and shuts the door after himself. “I wish you’d stop calling me that.”

His protest is unheard as Richie flings himself at his best friend, giving the shorter boy a noogie. “Studying not go well for the Nerd?” He teases, initiating a groan from him.

“I got… a little distracted.” Eddie admitted sheepishly when Richie pulls away, fixing his hair.

“You? Distracted?” Richie has the right to be in disbelief ; Eddie was rarely ever distracted from school work. He was even on the fucking honor roll and in honor society – he tended to work harder on school than most of his peers and there really wasn’t much of a rhyme or reason for it, he just wanted to do it.

“There was… a cute boy, okay?” Eddie murmurs quietly, almost too quiet to be heard by his best friend. Unfortunately for Eddie, Richie heard it and the grin on his face widens, making Eddie cringe away from him.

“A cute boy!” Richie exclaims and pinches Eddie’s cheeks. “Does Eddie have a wittle crush?”

Eddie blushes and scowls, batting away Richie’s hands. “No, Richie! I literally just met him. He’s just… kind of hot, okay?”

This hardly fazes Richie and he laughs. “Okay, whatever you say, Eddie Spaghetti. Did you get his number?”

Eddie scowls again. “As if. I don’t even know his name.”

“I hate to be the one to say this Spaghetti Man, but you probably need to work on that.”

“Whatever, Richie – it doesn’t matter. How was your night with Stanley?” Eddie asks, adverting the topic from himself as he moves around Richie and going into the kitchen.

The grin on Richie’s face does not go away and Eddie can swear up and down, he literally saw hearts forming in his best friend’s eyes. “Oh, Eddie! Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Eddie finds, later, that no, he did not want to know.

[grayson-dolans-dangly-earring]

Home For Christmas

HEY IM SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR THIS UNEDITED GARBAGE BUT I HAD AN IDEA AND I WAS IN THE CAR ALL DAY SO THIS WAS WRITTEN ON MY PHONE. IM SORRY IF IT SUCKS.

I walked through the baggage claim, stopping once i saw my bag. I pulled my suitcase off of the conveyor belt and started wheeling it behind me as i headed for the door.

Things with my boyfriend had been pretty rocky for the past few months and we decided to end things. So instead of going to his parents house for christmas, I flew home to Jersey.

My parents were so excited to have me home for the first time in a few years and I had to admit, I was full of anxious yet excited energy. I left my hometown for a reason and I just hoped that reason wasn’t home for Christmas too.

I stood on the curb outside the airport waiting for the cab I had called for. I checked my phone to let my mom know i had landed and I’d be home soon. I soon received a text back from her letting me know that she was excited to see me and that my father was too. I smiled at the message and looked up just as my cab arrived. I stowed my bag in the trunk and climbed into the backseat. After giving the driver my parents address, we were speeding away from the airport.

A short while later we arrived at my childhood home and I stepped out into the cold winter air. The driver wheeled my suitcase over to me and I paid him. As he drove away I wished him a merry Christmas and turned to stare at my old home.

Of course I missed living here. So many memories were made in that house and I will treasure them forever. But there were also so many memories made in the house next door and I just wanted to forget those.

I took a deep breathe, which was a bad idea as the dry air hit my lungs and started up an inconvenient asthma attack. I rooted around in my purse for my inhaler and took two large puffs and my breathing started to even out. Once that nonsense was under control, I made my way to the front door and rang the bell.

My mother flung the door open in a matter of seconds. “Y/N!!!!! MY BABY IS HOME! You know, I saw you using your inhaler through the window. Are you okay baby?” She said all in a rush. “Yes mom I’m fine. You know what the dry air does to me. I’m okay. I promise.” I reassured her with a smile.

She pulled me along into the kitchen where my father was cooking and when he saw me he wrapped me up in his arms and said “Oh sweetheart me and your mama missed you so much.” I could hear his voice wobble as if he was ready to cry. “Dad I’m sorry I stayed away for so long. You know I had to.” I whispered into his shoulder. “I know baby. I know.” He said as he kissed my head.

Once my dad released me from his hug, my mother started rambling about plans for the evening. “So obviously we had to have a party! Our baby girl is home for the first time and we wanted everyone to see you! So we invited the neighborhood over tonight to celebrate!” My mother was beaming and my heart plummeted into my stomach. The last thing I wanted was to increase my chances of seeing the person I was trying to avoid so this party really wasn’t my idea of a good time. But to spare my mothers feelings, I smiled and she ran off to decorate. I turned and grimaced at my father.

“Dad why did you let her do this? You know how I feel about this.” I pleaded. “I know sweetheart but she’s so happy and she cried when I told her we shouldn’t have a party.” My dad said with sadness in his eyes. “Well,” I started as I made my way to the liquor cabinet, “I’m gonna need this if I’m gonna get through this party.” I pulled a bottle of vodka out of the cabinet, twisted off the cap, and took a big swig. It burned like hell but I knew soon enough, it wouldn’t matter and I’d be able to get through this shit show. My dad chuckled as he watched me down the alcohol like water. “The party isn’t for six hours honey.” He said. “Don’t care. Gotta get started early.” I said leaving the kitchen, bottle in hand.

Sure enough, six hours later the bell rang downstairs and people began flooding into the house. At this point I was already pretty sloshed and feeling good so I made my way down to the living room to socialize.

Things were going well until the bell rang again. My Mom and Dad were busy in the kitchen so they asked me to get the door. My heels clicked across the tile in the front of the house and I giggled at the sound. I flung the door open with a big smile but when I saw who it was my smile disappeared and a scowl formed.

In front of me stood the entire Dolan family. Lisa and Sean in the front, Cam behind them with Ethan, and lastly Grayson. I waved everyone except for Grayson and they all made their way to the living room. I stood in the door way, hand still on the doorknob, and looked at him. He was as tall as he ever was and muscular just like I remembered. He was wearing an obnoxious green blazer with gingerbread men on it and his earring gleamed in the light from my front porch. His hair was shockingly blonde, almost white which was definitely a change from the last time i saw him. A smile crept on his face which only deepened my frown. “Ya know what?” I slurred. “Fuck. You.” and I slammed the door in his face and flipped the lock.

“MOMMMM! GRAYSON IS OUTSIDE! I LOCKED HIM OUT BECAUSE I-I I HATE HIM! YOU CAN COME GET HIM IF YOU WANT!” I shouted through the house. I could hear him banging on the door and I laughed. I snatched my almost empty vodka bottle off the table near the door and made my way upstairs. As I reached the top of the staircase I could hear my mother apologizing to Grayson for my behavior. I scoffed at that and made my way into my room, slamming the door.

I took my shoes off and flopped onto my bed. Seeing Grayson again was like an arrow through my chest. So many years ago that boy had been my whole life. My everything. And then he tore my heart out. The tears started flowing as the memories replayed in my mind.

Grayson and I had been best friends since we were kids. When we hit sophomore year of high school we began dating and it was the happiest time of my life. We always had fun and went on adventures. Spontaneity is Grayson’s middle name so nothing was ever boring. I lost my virginity to him when I was 16 and I knew we were going to be together forever. Until we weren’t.

We always said that after we graduated, we would run away and get married. Start a life together. So when I got a letter from grayson the morning of graduation that said to meet him at the park at midnight and we would run away, I was so excited. The graduation ceremony went as planned. We took pictures and all that stuff but quickly we were separated for family partys after that. Once my family was out of my house that night I packed my bag and snuck out the window and ran to the park.

I waited for Grayson at that park for two hours. And he never came. I sat there and cried my eyes out. I didn’t know what to do. I tried calling him and texting him and no response. So I walked to his house. When I rang the bell Cam answered. I asked if she knew where Grayson was and she told me that his friend Aaron was having a party a few blocks away and he was there.

When I got to the party, I could see clear as day, Grayson in the front window, and Melody Davis, his ex girlfriend, had her hands all over him. My heart broke and the tears spilled over. Melody spotted me through the window and just grinned at me. So I ran. I ran all the way back home and I cried until I fell asleep. Before I had fallen asleep I sent Grayson a text telling him to never speak to me again. For the next four days, every time he knocked on my door, my father turned him away. About a week later I made the decision to leave. My dad made arrangements for me to live with his sister in New York. The next day I was on a plane and I never looked back.

My heart broke all over again as the painful memories flooded over me. A quiet knock on the door made me roll over on my bed. “Go the fuck away!” I shouted at the door. From behind me I could hear the door open and shut with a soft click.

“Talk to me.” A voice said from behind me. I would know that voice anywhere. Grayson. Suddenly I was blazing hot with anger and I sat up so fast my head started to spin. “GET OUT!” I screamed through my tears. He reached out to touch my leg and pulled it towards me like I had been burned. I pulled my knees up to my chest and sniffled. Everything was quiet for a few moments before he broke the silence.

“Y/N, what did i do?” Grayson whispered. “Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.” I scoffed. “If i knew I wouldn’t be asking!” he pleaded. I was growing tired of this game so I stood and put my shoes on. “Grayson this isn’t funny. You broke my heart and I won’t let you do it again.”

I dashed out the door and quickly made it down the stairs. I could hear him following me as a fan through the front door. I continued walking down the driveway and he called after me. “Y/N! Wait! Please stop!” I stopped where I was and whirled around, coming face to face with him. After a few long moments I spoke. “I waited for you.” I said. “What? What are you talking about?” He questioned, a look of confusion etched on his beautiful face.

“Grayson I got your letter. I waited for two hours at the park the night of graduation. And you never came.” I whispered. “And then I saw you with Melody and I knew. I knew everything you said was a lie. We were never going to run away together. We were never going to last.” I said through the tears rushing down my face. “Don’t you see? I can’t be near you Grayson! Every time I look at your beautiful face all the feelings I thought I pushed away come rushing right back! I can’t-” At this point I was shouting so breathing, especially in the cold dry air, was becoming impossible. I started gasping but it was like I couldn’t hold any air inside my lungs. My asthma was flaring up and between that and the violent sobs wracking my body, I couldn’t breathe. I patted my body desperately searching for my inhaler that I realized I left on my nightstand. Grayson was running towards me, realizing what was happening. “Oh shit.” I gasped as everything went dark and I collapsed in the snow.

A while later I woke up in my bed wrapped in blankets with my lamp on. I looked around the room, assuming I had dreamed the whole thing. But the bathroom door opened and Grayson stepped out so I knew everything was real. As soon as he realized I was awake he rushed to my bed and sat next to me, running his fingers through my hair and holding my hand.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m so glad you’re okay.” He whispered. I slowly drew my hand back and rubbed my eyes. “Y/N please. I still don’t understand. The whole thing with the letter? I’m still not sure what you’re talking about. Please tell me.” He begged.

I sat up against my headboard and took a deep breath. I told him everything from start to finish. After a long pause? Grayson processed what I said but was still looking confused. “Y/N I never sent you any letter. I was at Aaron’s party waiting for you and you never came. And then Melody said-” All of a sudden there was fury in his eyes as he shot up off the bed. “Jesus christ! She said you told her you weren’t coming to the party and that you didn’t want to see me! She had her arms around my neck that night and I pushed her off of me and told her that you wouldn’t break up with me through another person, especially her! And she wanted us to get back together that night but I said no! Don’t you see? Melody sent you that letter not me! She needed you to think I stood you up so you wouldn’t want to see me and she could have me back! I can’t believe this!” He was gripping his hair and pacing back and forth.

Grayson sat down on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. His shoulders started jerking and i realized he was crying. I put my hand on his back and pulled him into me so his head was on my chest. “Gray it’s okay. Don’t cry.” I whispered into his hair. “I can’t believe this. I should have tried harder. I should have been more persistent in trying to make you see me after that whole night. Melody’s jealousy ruined my life. I lost the love of my life because of her.” he sobbed into my chest.

I held him tighter as he cried and I let my own tears spill over. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have just assumed you left me. I should have let you in when you knocked on my door. I messed everything up.” I whimpered.

We sat in silence for several minutes as our breathing evened out. “GrayBear I still love you.” I said quietly. Grayson raised his head from my chest to look at me. “Baby you can’t say that unless you mean it. And don’t use my old nickname unless you plan on sticking around. I don’t want to get used to hearing it again and then have you disappear.” He said with hope in his voice. I grabbed the sides of his face and stared into his hazel eyes. “GrayBear, I’m home. And this time, I’ll stay.” I said.

Grayson wrapped his arms around me and our lips met with a crash. My blood boiled as he kissed me and I could feel the electricity between us. “I still love you too, sweetheart. Never leave me again.” he said against my lips.

“I won’t.” I promised.

THE END

[engagedtobefree]

A Change of Heart

Monday - In the morning I am at the coffee machine when Scott comes in. He must have thought I wasn’t waiting for him since I wasn’t at the printer. When he rounds the corner and sees me, he exclaims, “Dana!!”. I never knew how to take this the few other times he’s said my name like this, since he says it in a way that friends would, but now it makes me feel all warm inside as I understand now that he’s excited to see me. One day last week I was making tea while Scott happened to be in the bathroom (I did hear someone walk by but I didn’t know who it was). When he had come out of the bathroom and saw me standing there, he couldn’t help but break into a smile. I truly wonder how exactly seeing me makes him happy like that. I know why seeing him makes me happy, and I wonder if it’s for the same reasons on his end.

It’s trainee week and I nicked us each a cookie upstairs before they’re all gone. When I go into Scott’s office to give it to him, he looks down at the cookie than up at me and says, “You’re so thoughtful.” I feel I ruin it by saying, “I guess” and then add on “You’re the only person I get stuff for.” “Well I appreciate it.” I can feel my heart pulsing with happiness. He gave me a compliment, but not on my appearance, and I appreciate that he appreciates me. I realize later in the week that probably all of my compliments/flirting have been geared toward appearance, and I make a mental note to tell Scott something I like about him non-appearance related first chance I get. When my lunch is over and I get up out of the seat, I go to adjust my pants and my shirt pops up a little above my right hip, showing some skin. I see Scott look there for half a second, and then he looks away with a look of guilt on his face. I know it’s just a small patch of skin and that it’s not even a sexual part of my body, but I know how there have been times where I’ve new parts of Scott (ie. chest hair, arms not covered by long sleeves) and it’s been enough for me to swoon over. Idk why the guilty face though. I wonder if it’s that conflicted part of him since he’s married, or maybe he was just embarrassed that I caught him looking.

At the end of the day, I talk to Scott in his doorway. We somehow get on the topic of my asthma and he asks me what it’s like. I don’t really know what to tell him except that it’s just not being able to breathe, and that the more you try to breathe the worse it seems to get. I haven’t had an attack in years, and I think I have most likely outgrown it, which can happen. He mentions how he remembers going to school with a kid who had asthma and he was always taking his inhaler. I tell him that that was me. I was the nerdy kid who had an inhaler, braces, glasses, and big frizzy hair. He laughs and then continues to smile at me. But for real, my transformations over my elementary school days are incredible. In some photos, mainly middle school, you can’t even tell it’s me. Well, at least that’s what I think, or maybe I’m just hoping that’s the case lol.

Something I didn’t write in last week’s post that I wanted to was how I always somehow know when Scott is around. So Friday I was sitting and working at my desk when I heard someone shuffling through papers next to the printer. This happens about 100 times a day, so it’s something I pay no attention to, but without even thinking I turn around and look. It’s Scott. I turn back to my computer, but then a few seconds later he is in my doorway saying “Hey, Dane.” I spin around. He asks me about an order and I joke with him and then he goes back to his office. A few minutes later I hear someone shuffling papers again, and again, for no reason, I turn and look. Scott is looking down at a paper, but this time he’s facing my cubicle. He looks up at me, gives me a little smile while he nods his head up and says, “Got it”. I give him a little smile back. He must have been waiting for a fax, but I hadn’t heard anything go through in those few minutes, but I either tuned the beeping out or he didn’t see it in the pile the first time.

Tuesday - While I’m talking to Scott during my lunch, somehow the mention of  birthdays comes up, so I take this opportune moment to ask him when his birthday is. He hesitates before answering, and when he does answer, I can hear the apprehension in his voice. I find this odd, but don’t show any signs that I noticed anything. His birthday is January 15th. I tell him my birthday is October 15th and how it’s funny they’re on the same day (not exact same day, but he knew what I meant). The bit of anxiety that I picked up on disappears after I say this. I think he was afraid of something, but in the moment I can’t imagine what it could possibly be. I wonder later in the day what interactions we had on his birthday since it was on a Monday, so I go on my tumblr to see. As soon as I see it, I don’t even have to read to know what happened that day. I have not forgotten that day, and had I not been on Cloud 9 of finally knowing his birthday, I would have immediately realized the significance of that day. It was Martin Luther King Jr Day and also the day my guinea pig, Max, passed away. I spent the whole morning at my desk, worrying about leaving Max at home. Then I went home during my lunch, saw him bleeding, and took him to the vet. I had gone back to work after the vet told me he would most likely be okay. I vaguely remember waving to Scott as he sat in his car during his lunch as I practically ran inside, trying to hide the fact I had spent the past hour crying. I was at work another hour before getting the phone call that Max had passed away, and then I left work for the rest of the day. I spent a majority of Scott’s birthday in tears. I am crying even as I write this. I have not fully dealt with Max’s death yet, hence why I have not written the 2nd post about him that I wanted to write. I still want to and am going to write it, but it’s so hard. I still miss the little guy so much. I went back to work the next day and I remember telling Scott about how Max died the day before. I don’t know if Scott remembers that, as I feel he would have been more inclined to since Max’s death happened on his birthday, but I think that Scott didn’t really take in too much about me during our early stages, so I can;t be sure if he remembers this. I think that that is one possibility though as to why he was apprehensive about telling me his birthday, because he thought I might realize the significance of the date. Another reason I came up with was that maybe he was nervous I was going to ask him the year he was born, but I already know how old he is thanks to White Pages, and I mean, even before that I already knew he was much older than me. These are the only 2 reasons I could come up with, but it could still be something else I haven’t thought of. (Fun Fact: If you add up the single digits of our ages, you get the same number. So he’s 44 and 4 + 4 = 8. I’m 26 and 2 + 6 = 8. I have way too much time on my hands). At one point during our conversation during this lunch, I say something, though I can’t remember what, but Scott gives me such a tender look after that melts my heart.

Wednesday - Joyce and I go to talk to our big boss Angelo in the morning about our concerns about moving to the second floor. He hears us out and then says he’s meeting with his boss later, so he will bring everything to his attention then. I stay behind to ask Angelo how my hiring process is going. He says the HR woman is on vacation this week but that he talked to her last week and she’s almost done all of my paperwork, so we should hear something by the end of next week. I am so excited that any day now I will be a permanent employee.

When I turn to look at Scott as I wait by the printer, I am in awe. He’s been wearing company shirts lately since they’re all short-sleeve, and he has on the one that I like best on him. It’s a medium gray with some light blue accents in it, and it fits him really well. I immediately think of how nice he looks but because our greeting always happens so fast and he walks in his office, I don’t get get to tell him this.

After I finish my lunch, I go into Scott’s doorway and ask him if he wants a cannoli or fruit or anything. He says “no thanks” and I linger for a few seconds longer in the doorway, beaming at him. He breaks into a smile and I think about how handsome he is before walking away. When I come back downstairs I go into his doorway again. “You look nice today.” He responds with a modest “Thank you.” “You always look nice though.” He thanks me again. I go in and sit in the chair next to his desk like I always do now and talk to him for the rest of my lunch. I also tell him “Oh, I saw something yesterday and thought of you.” I word it specifically in this way for obvious reasons. It was only something I saw about apple cider vinegar helping with acid reflux, which he has, but I thought if he wanted to try it to see if it helped he had this information now to do so. I also tell him how I met with Angelo this morning with Joyce and also how I will be hired any day now. He’s always genuinely happy for me. He has become the first person I always want to tell anything to, whether good or bad. I’ve somehow been building trust with Scott without even realizing it.

I had wanted to grab some fruit upstairs, but some of the trainee guys were still in there. I don’t mind grabbing the cookies and whatnot cuz it takes me and extra 3 seconds, but piling fruit on a plate takes longer, and I don’t want to stay in there longer than necessary because I get uncomfortable (more about this on Thursday). So I decide to go up and grab some about 10 minutes after my lunch, and when I go up, Scott is in there heating his food. He’s looking at me and he asks if I ate yet. He already knows I finished my lunch, but I think maybe he was just being hopeful about it and that he could talk to me a bit more. I tell him I ate already and that I was just grabbing some fruit since I didn’t earlier. I wish I could talk to him more than we do, but it’s hard to at work. If I could switch my lunch without it being obvious that I was doing it so that I could spend it with Scott, I would. I remember back toward the beginning of all this with Scott I said he seems like someone I could just talk with for hours over coffee, and I was right. I feel like I could talk to him all day and never be bored.

While Scott is still on lunch, at one point I look at a sticky trap on the ground at one end of my cubicle, which required me rolling over to where my cubicle entrance is. We have these traps for bugs, and there have been those little red spider mites infesting our windows and I see at least one daily on my desk. I’m doubtful as to whether any mites have actually gotten trapped (none have), and as I’m investigating inside the trap, Scott walks by. He tells me how our back door isn’t working and won’t let anyone inside, so he was told to put a sign there. I roll over to the other end of my doorway and get as close to him as I can. I look up at his smiling face and I want nothing more than to be as close as possible to this man.

I take an order out to the warehouse while Scott is out there. I pass by him and we lock eyes and greet each other, smirking. As I’m heading back, Scott is not too far ahead of me. I already walk faster than him, but I quicken my pace to catch up. As he crosses over the one walkway, I am just about to say, “Scott, wait up!” when he stops and waits for me on the other side, so I don’t have to say anything. We walk back in to the offices together. I do most of the talking, but it’s fine. I’m just happy he stopped on his own to wait for me.

Angelo comes over in the late afternoon and tells Joyce and I that we will be staying where we are, and that if we did have to move, things would just have to rearranged on the first floor in order for us to stay down there. We are ecstatic. I had a really good feeling things were going to pull off for us in some way, and I was not disappointed. I thought at the least Angelo would tell us we’d still be moving but would just stay on the first floor somewhere; I never imagined we would be told we could stay where we are though. I don’t immediately go tell Scott, but I don’t wait too long, half an hour maybe. I go to heat up my tea so I can walk by his office and possibly tell him. I am glowing inside and I decide that I really want him to look at me this time, since he doesn’t always turn to look at me when I walk by. I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence, or if he sensed me coming (my light/good vibes), or if me deciding he was going to turn to look at me had anything to do with it, but Scott does actually turn to look at me. He’s glowing just as much as I imagine I am. He turns back to his computer after a few seconds, but instead of walking by, I stop in the doorway. “We’re not moving, we get to stay where we are.” Me, him, and Steve chat for a few minutes, and Scott is still beaming at me. I say, “I got 2 out of 2 today.” “So you’re having a good day, huh?” “Yeah, I am.” Again, he is so genuinely happy for me. It fills me up with even more joy.

Thursday - Scott comes in in the morning while I’m at the coffee machine. A guy, Tom, is at the printer, so when Scott rounds the corner, he doesn’t have his face set into a small smile like he normally does when I’m there. However, when he rounds the corner, he breaks into a grin when he sees me there waiting to greet him. I think I actually like this better than the printer sometimes because 1. He’s always pleasantly surprised to see me there and 2. It’s easier for us to make eye contact since I don’t have to turn around and can already be facing his direction.

During lunch he tells me I look nice. I can feel myself glowing. We have the trainees here this week, and I mention how I hate going upstairs when they’re here because someone always has to make a comment at me. I have never divulged this information to anyone, and my only guess as to why I said this to Scott was because I feel so safe with him. “Like what?”, he responds. “Oh, idk, they just say weird things to me for no reason.” “What do they say to you?”. He seems very put-off by this information, not in a jealous way, but in a protective sort of way. He’s concerned for sure. “Well, they just say stupid and weird things. I don’t really remember any because I ignore them. Today when I went up to put my lunch bag back in the fridge, a guy said to me ‘What did you bring us to eat?’. I just walked away.” I did just walk away, but I forgot I also said, “Nothing, you have food.” There’s no need to comment to me. “They always have to say something, but it’s always something dumb. I guess they’re just trying to be...” “Funny?” “Yeah.” One side of Scott’s mouth lifts up into an unconvincing half-smile. I think he can probably tell this makes me uncomfortable. For the most part, the trainees are okay. Most of them give me a friendly “hello”, which is totally okay and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, while they are waiting in line for their food, I will sense and/or see one or two watching me, but that is also fine. It’s when I walk in and I can very much feel a man’s eyes penetrating me, and then he just has to say something to me, like he needs my attention, I get this weird uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t know if most men have ever felt this way at all, but I’m sure any woman would understand what I mean. It was Tuesday or Wednesday I was coming down the stairs, and though I am small-chested, my breasts still very much bounce. When I lifted my head, there was a guy in the entrance hall and he was very noticeably looking at my breasts. While I didn’t like it, he at least didn’t say anything to me. I know men look. However, I thought back to the day Scott had his glasses on, when he was talking to the receptionist and how when I came down the stairs and looked up, he was looking at my face. Whether he looked at my boobs, I don’t know, but even if he did, he didn’t keep looking. I’m not just viewed sexually by him.

Some time during or after Scott’s lunch, he makes some tea. I had just made some coffee a few minutes prior. I go right up next to him and he turns to face his whole body toward me, and I tell him I need a coffee stirrer. I am standing literally an inch away from him, and I feel such a strong pull to just step forward and press myself against him. Scott is smiling and his face is so close to mine. He didn’t move over as I came walking up next to him. I go over to the printer to retrieve a random email I printed merely for the sake of having a reason to get up to talk to Scott before I decided on the idea to grab a coffee stirrer. I didn’t need the coffee stirrer just like I didn’t need to print anything. I see Scott is holding an apple and we get on the topic of organic fruit.

At the end of the day, I walk past Scott’s office to the recycling bin and he is getting ready to leave, a.k.a. actually leaving on time. He asks me if I heard that the people who were supposed to be coming to our company may not even be coming now. So pretty much my whole worry about having to move may have been for nothing. Cool. I go to log off my computer and grab my stuff, taking my time. I wonder if I should go back to Scott’s office or walk out, but since he seemed to be further along in the getting-ready-lo-leave process, I figure I’ll just slowly walk out. Then I slowly put my things in my car. It’s been roughly 3 minutes. Okay... I start to hope he wasn’t waiting for me, because now I feel like a dick. I am still over on the passenger side of my car, so lean over and act like I’m doing something in my bag, and when I see the door start to open, I stand up and act like I’m on my phone. I look up at Scott and he stops for a split second and then slowly continues to his car. He’s got that mischievous, sly smile on his face, which I return right back to him.

Friday - Scott is leaving early today for a follow-up on his eyes. Normally I wait until like 12:25ish to go see him, but today I go about 10 minutes earlier since I haven’t talked to him all day yet. As I’m making my way down the hall toward his door, I can see he’s eating and that he might not see me coming, but I also don’t want to disturb his lunch unless he invites me in, so I shuffle my feet a bit as I walk so he hears me. He looks up at me and smiles and says his usual, “Hey, what’s up, Dana?”, so I go in.

We talk about quite a bit in the half hour I’m in there. I ask him how he’s doing with Steve in there, since I heard him coughing to death this morning. Scott says he’s been spraying Lysol disinfectant at the end of every day, which I did hear him do on Monday. I say, “Yeah, I heard him earlier and thought ‘Scott is probably pressed up against the wall right now.’” I ask him if he is paranoid about getting sick, because I remember the end of January when I was super sick and got out the hospital, he asked me literally 3 times in one conversation if I was sure he was better. He gives me a funny look I can’t read, but I think maybe he is surprised that I actually remembered something so far back. 

We talk about shoes and shopping, and I mention how I’m going shopping Monday with my friend who is going to Jamaica, and he says he loves it there and that he’s been there 3 times. I wonder for about the 50th time if that’s where he got married, but I don’t feel that uncomfortable, jealous pang like I used to; I think I’ve been slowly working through it. Scott offers me some of his yogurt, which is sweet. I decline, but the sentiment means a lot to me that he would share his food with me. To me, it’s a symbol of trust.

We also get on the topic of his eye-doctor appointment and Scott mentions how he honestly doesn’t remember what my glasses look like. He can’t seem to make up his mind on this topic, but I think 2 weeks ago when he said I looked good in my glasses that he was trying to make up for his blunder of calling my type of glasses “nerd glasses”. Before I realize what I’m saying, I blurt out, “Oh! I have a pic of me in my glasses on my phone.” Then internally I go, “Shit, now we have to show Scott a selfie, and not even that great of one.” I could always say, “Nevermind, I must have taken it off my phone” or something, but I don’t. I show Scott one of the few pics I have of me in my glasses. I showed him a picture yesterday of an absolutely beautiful sunset I took of the lake out back back in the fall, and he had stared at that a good bit before handing my phone back to me. He stares at my selfie considerably longer, and I don’t know how to take that. He starts saying how most people think they look stupid in glasses but that others don’t think that about them, and how he thinks he looks stupid in glasses. Again, without thinking, I genuinely blurt out, “I think you look great in glasses!”. He truly does. He responds with, “See, I could say the same thing about you.” I want to move past only physically complimenting Scott, but as of yet I haven’t seen the opportune moment to do so. A part of me wishes I didn’t show him the selfie, because it’s just not a flattering photo of me (see below), but at the same time I know Scott won’t judge me or think badly of me, so I feel okay.

Something that I have been thinking about all week is how far we’ve come. I cannot predict the future and therefore do not know whether this will go beyond a friendship or how long Scott will be in my life, but I am honestly amazed at the progression here, and the change of heart. In the beginning, I was a hopeful, naive little thing, constantly showering Scott with attention while he basked in it. I would pelt him with question after question about him, his life, his weekends, while he clearly enjoyed being the center of attention while barely having to reciprocate anything in order to stay in this limelight I put him in. He didn’t seem to have much of a true interest in me as a person and he enjoyed talking himself up and stringing me along. And I look at us now, and I can see how he has genuine interest when he asks me things, how he now remembers things I tell him, how he always tries to reciprocate whether it’s with food or compliments, and how there have been times where I could see he was happy because I was happy, and I am amazed. I don’t know what has changed for him. He seems to have grown to care about me like I’ve grown to care about him, and I often wonder what exactly it is about me that has brought about this change in his heart. I guess he genuinely likes me as a person, and I wonder just what that entails. Before, it seemed like he only had intentions of hooking up with me, but the fact that he hasn’t mentioned it again after I told him to let me know also makes me wonder. I’m sure other reasons include his wife and his schedule, among other things, but I truly believe, as I’ve said in my last post, that there have been growing feelings on his end that have complicated this even further in the past month and a half. If we have come this far in only 5 months, what will the next 5 months bring? No matter what, I believe it will only be good things.