#i also remember how i was genuinely happy when i got fake mustache at a city festival or smth

[anemoyuri]

ouran host club and kuragehime were my favs when i was a tween, and now i wonder if it it helped understand gender fluidity as a whole… if Ranma 1/2 was on tv when i was a kid, i would love it so much, genuinely

[kybelles]

hi love! I'm feeling devious so for the choose violence asks, 24 and 25

HIII BABY 💞💞 i sincerely hope you don’t mind me answering everything via your ask 🥹 i just didn’t want to spam the tl with my non-stop posting!

1.the character everyone gets wrong

JOKASTE!!! 😩 sooo many times in fan creations she’s a mustache twirling villain and look i get it! she needs to go in order to lamen to be together but i don’t know why each time she needs to cheat on damen…. people can break up for other reasons yk…..

i feel like people don’t really get how much jokaste holds damen in such a high regard. the first time she talked to laurent she was full of praises for damen and yes although the majority of the reason was to taunt laurent, it was too heartfelt to be faked entirely. i find her a quite tragic character honestly. in another world she would be proud and happy to be to be damen’s queen 🙁 i wish more ppl cared about her OR stop portraying her as this cold unfeeling girlboss who was sooo sick of damen’s bs that she punished him by gleefully fucking kastor….. i really really don’t think that’s who she is. she loved damen in her own way. she was also a sentimental woman. (her last letter to damen will never make me not emotional….)

3.screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

SCREENSHOT OMG hats off to any brave soul who actually posts it….. also the collection on bad takes is so rich idk what to choose… ok i got one: so i genuinely don’t remember the details but a few years ago there was a post circulating about how laurent was actually Good All Along (yes even in book one where he drugged damen and then threw him into a rape ring and also had him whipped after intentionally setting him up 🙂 ) and it had so many likes…. i’ll never ever understand the need to whitewash book 1 laurent’s actions. like why do you even stan a controversial character if you don’t like his controversial aspects…. i really believe this is quite the disservice to such a multidimsensional character like laurent. :/

7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?

hmm i wouldn’t say hate but some posts i read about auguste made me sorta dislike him  😬 idk when and where i read it but there was one post in particular that said they wish auguste would come back to life and beat the shit out of damen and i was like WOAHHH??? you want the mc (who you spent three books with) to be beaten brutally by some canon fodder?? for what crime???  i was honestly weirded out.

there’s also the fact that i genuinely HATE l*uguste (despite not being an anti shipper in general or anything! this ship just rubs me the worst way bc laurent experienced so much trauma from the way ppl made up incest rumors about him and auguste) so any interpretation (even if they aren’t written as a romantic pair intentionally) where auguste and laurent have this unhealthy codependent bond with auguste acting like a ferocious caveman to any potential romantic suitor of laurent and laurent being all meek and allowing this treatment is a big no for me. ✋ so yes even tho i don’t hate auggie boy i can’t say i care a great deal about him. sorry baby i’m sure you are just dandy.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that damen is an unreliable narrator 😩i talked about it in my previous post!

12.the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

EGERIA THE MF QUEEN OF AKIELOS 🗣️🗣️ i actually like every member of the akielos trio (theomedes-hypermenestra-egeria) sm because their situation reminds me of turkish harem dramas. 🤭 the lack of canon information about them allows me to make various hcs and backstories and idk i just think it’s fun!

13.worst blorboficiation

JFC i’m SOOOO old i’m ANCIENT bc i have no idea what this means….. i’d be happy to answer it if you give me some clarification (hiding my face in shame)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

oh luckily i already answered it here!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

I’m always a huge advocate for bottomianos even though i myself shamefully haven’t made a contribution 💔 as for art i’m beyond grateful for our wonderful artists and i humbly would like to see more of the old gang! (theo, egeria, aleron, hennike etc.)

21.part of canon you think is overhyped

hmm i unfortunately can’t think of an answer for this one, i’m sorry!

24.topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OH DEAR… so one of the first times i actively participated in the fandom i made a post about how frustrating it was to see theomedes portrayed as an absent father despite the glaring lack of canon evidence while aleron got off the hook much easier despite laurent actually confirming he was an absentee and said i think it was about the way people perceive them (theomedes=brown and toxic, aleron=white and tastefully distant) anyways, some user whom i never talked to before (and they’re still blocked to this day despite the fact i pretty much never block anyone here) said i was “making it up” and right after i blocked them after they continued talking to me in a very rude manner some asks ✨mysteriously✨ appeared in my inbox and the person who sent them called me an “illiterature white bitch” who made up nonexistent drama…….. so yes i guess the colorism issue really ruffles some people’s feathers :) i wonder why :) 

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

“why didn’t damen figure out the regent’s abuse of laurent sooner is he stupid” setting aside the 574619 different pacat interviews where she talks about how damen needed to be oblivious bc otherwise laurent would never open up to him, why is it so wild to think damen wouldn’t assume the regent would do something like that to his own nephew? as if the entire canon events didn’t happen bc damen believed families would never hurt each other…. just wow

[sshakespeare]

An Analysis of NYC Scorpii

I’ve now seen all but one of the actors who have played Scorpius in Cursed Child NYC and I wanted to do a quick write up of some of the interesting differences I’ve found in their portrayals.

Alex W.

(not putting their full names because that feels a hint strange)

My most recent Scorpius! He has understudied Scorpius for both Year 1 and 2 in NYC and it shows; he felt very comfortable in the role.

His Scorpius is the most understated I’ve seen. My brother, seeing the show for the first time, summed it up best when he said Alex’s Scorpius feels very secure in who he is (different from the Hot Mess that is Bubba’s Scorpius). His Scorpius very rarely yells, even when excited, which made the library scene particularly intense because you could tell just how upset his Scorpius is.

Going off of that, Alex doesn’t always “play the laugh” the way Bubba will. His Scorpius is more grounded, but I did find some lines got lost (in particular, one of my favorite Scorpius lines is “No, I’m pretty sure your dad is exactly the same” and Bubba almost always gets a laugh there).

Alex does adorable accents though! When he says “My geekness is a-quivering” he twirls a little fake mustache. He’ll do little bows on his more nerdy lines. When Albus says this Scorpius is a geek, it’s spot on.

He straight up HISSES at Polly Chapman like he’s a velociraptor when he’s trying to hide Delphi. Instead of trying to play it cool on the stairs and flirt with Polly, he hides Delphi behind his cloak like it’s wings. It’s hilarious.

He also koala hugs Draco when they’re reunited in Godric’s Hollow. That moment probably got the biggest applause of the night.

Can confirm he did the Bubba signature “Scar Zap” before the polyjuice transformation. Bubba, king of trends.

His Scorpius and Nadia’s Rose are the only Scorpius/Rose that ever made me go “Huh, maybe.” Which is weird because Alex’s Scorpius seemed pretty romantically uninterested in her up until their last scene. The bread scene on the train was still funny, but it always felt like Alex’s Scorpius was just trying to be her friend. But then in their last scene, when Rose calls him Scorpion King and hisses, Scorpius follows her down the stairs and hisses with her and it’s a genuinely flirty moment.

One bizarre thing: Nick Albus did not let Alex Scorpius hug him when they both emerged from the lake. Alex launched forward, but they never really hugged. It was more that Alex just backed Nick into the wall. I didn’t know what to make of that. They’re definitely not the most tactile Scorpius/Albus pair, but I thought they had sweet chemistry especially in their last scene.

Nathan S.

My first ever Scorpius! I remember going into the show being a little disappointed in not seeing Anto (it was a good ⅕ of the reason I bought my ticket before the NYC cast change), but I left the show thinking how damn cute Nathan’s Scorpius is. Unfortunately, I don’t remember a ton about him since it was a while ago but I’ll do my best.

Nathan’s Scorpius is a true Follower. I’ve always thought there’s a universe where Anto’s Scorpius would not follow Albus off of the train, but Nathan’s Scorpius would follow Albus anywhere. All the lines Draco has about Scorpius not being much of a leader (at least in the beginning) check out with this Scorpius.

I remember the library scene was particularly devastating with Nathan because his Scorpius felt so defeated. Anto plays the scene with more anger, but Nathan Scorpius just seemed exhausted by all Albus had put him through thus far. He cried and I cried.

Like Alex, Nathan is also a more grounded Scorpius. This interpretation might partly come from how distinct Anto’s vocal choices were, but Nathan favored a quieter, nerdier Scorpius vs. one with huge explosions of energy.

I wish I remembered more about Nathan’s Scorpius. My biggest takeaway was just “Cute, cute cute!”

Anthony

OG Scorpius! The man who started it all! His Scorpius is the ultimate Weirdo and no one else (that I’ve seen) has captured the sheer amount of weird energy Anto channels. You can tell his Scorpius is a kid who grew up isolated, with no friends, and just has no clue how social interaction works.

To get into it a little more, I think Scorpius is a deceivingly difficult character to play. Any audience is going to love him no matter what, but because of that, an actor could fall into the trap of making him too cutesy, or too comedic, or even too melodramatic. Anto really embraced making Scorpius a strange, strange kid (I mean...those vocal choices).

Anto’s Scorpius always feels like a kid, as well. He has little ticks like rubbing at his eyes and fidgeting that makes his Scorpius feel very youthful and subtly anxious. While I love Alex Scorpius and Nathan Scorpius, there were times their interpretations felt older than fourteen (this is exacerbated for Alex because Nick’s Albus is so honed in at fourteen at all times).

I love the way Anto delivers “Are we?” and “DO WE?!” in the Amos scene. No one else tops it.

Same with “HELP, HELP, HELP!” Not just anyone could pull off all the yelling, but Anto consistently did.

Going back to something I said in Nathan’s section, Anto Scorpius is the most assertive Scorpius I’ve seen. He pushes back against Albus more directly, seems to get frustrated more easily.

I want to say more, but like with Nathan, it’s been awhile, but if more things pop into my head, I’ll add them here!

Bubba

My favorite Scorpius! Going to get that bias out of the way right now. I love Bubba’s Scorpius. He is the softest, most anxious, hottest mess of a character.

Like Anto Scorpius, there is so much raw energy radiating off of Bubba’s Scorpius at any given time. He’s either going to explode with happiness or explode into tears, possibly both at the same time.

Huge difference between Anto Scorpius and Bubba Scorpius though: Anto Scorpius clearly wanted to be a Slytherin and Bubba Scorpius clearly did not. Anto looks so proud when the Sorting Hat announces Slytherin, but Bubba looks resigned, like he knew it was going to happen but he was desperately hoping for Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff.

Bubba Scorpius = most flirty Scorpius. He’s constantly trying to be suave and failing miserably. See: Hiding Delphi completely under his body on the staircase and trying to play it cool with Polly Chapman. See also: Playing with his hair and trying to make his voice deeper when flirting with Rose in his last scene.

Yet, Bubba Scorpius = most insecure Scorpius. It feels like his Scorpius second guesses just about everything he says and does, at least around the other students. That makes it so relieving when he can be his awkward, shimmy-ing self around Albus and Bubba really plays into how comfortable Scorpius is with Albus.

Bubba and Nick do my most favorite version of the Staircase Ballet. When the staircase shifts and the two end up standing next to each other, Bubba’s Scorpius sits down, inviting Nick’s Albus to sit with him. It implies so much about their previous relationship, how they’ve probably had a thousand heart to hearts sitting across from each other on the stairs, and when Albus does not sit, Scorpius looks absolutely devastated.

They’re by far the most tactile version of Scorpius and Albus I’ve seen. Any given scene they’re in together, one of them will put a hand on the others shoulder, on their wrist, anywhere. They somewhat hold hands in the St. Jerome’s scene (Ginny is holding Albus and Bubba will kneel behind Nick on the other side and put his hand on his shoulder. Nick will almost always have Albus grab that hand).

Which brings us to That Moment. After the fourth and final Albus/Scorpius hug, Bubba pulls away but only slightly to deliver “...in this new version of us I had in my head.” I can confirm Alex also only pulls away slightly to deliver that line, but when Nick says “You better ask Rose…” to Alex it’s very jokey (like Sam to Anto). When Nick delivers it to Bubba, it’s uncertain and almost disappointed? If that makes sense? Like Nick Albus does not want Scorpius going anywhere near Rose ever again. And then it takes a solid five seconds for Bubba Scorpius to snap out of the moment and run back down the stairs, looking very much like he’s realized a Moment just happened. The difference in how Nick plays the scene with Bubba vs. Alex has me hypothesizing that Nick and Bubba want their Albus/Scorpius ending to be ambiguous and open for a future romantic relationship. But that’s just a theory!

Back to stray Bubba observations!

In the Draco/Scorpius hug, Jonno picks Bubba slightly off the ground. It’s adorable.

Bubba does this funny exaggerated march when he says “My geekness is a-quivering!” It’s bizarre and I love it. Bless all the boys who somehow make that line work.

Scar Zap.

I could talk about Bubba Scorpius all day so hit me up please and thank you.

[lily-onher-grave]

hey

hey

y’all want an excerpt? i got the good stuff

(from the prologue of my new project)

//

They say the Witch is going to die. They say that’s why the Wizard sent Dorothy.

Glinda pays the rumors no mind. Perhaps the Wizard wants Elphaba dead—does he remember them, from all those years ago?—but the idea is laughable. Elphaba’s survived the marshy Quadling lands, a campus haunted by Morrible, and the filthy, shadowed streets of the Emerald City. The Wizard will have to do much better than a little farm girl if he wants her gone.

But maybe it’s better this way. Maybe her letter will reach Elphaba first, and she’ll think of a way around the Dorothy girl. Glinda imagines different scenarios, reveling at the cloak and dagger of it all. A faked death, perhaps? The new ruler of Oz reuniting with a criminal. It excites her, and not just because she’ll finally get to see Elphie again.

Without meaning to, she finds herself wholly tied to the prospect of being with Elphaba once more. Years of separation have taught her wariness, but now there is no doubt in her mind. And why should there be? They were reunited in Munchkinland. And though they left on such bad terms, they had also been able to pick up again so flawlessly. Glinda remembers the thrill, the bliss, the hope. It was a sign of things to come. She’s certain of it.

But she’s smart enough not to let it show. After she sends her letter, she finds herself waiting. Her life carries on mostly normally, but she notices the small details that are changing. More politicians are showing up at the dinner parties she’s invited to. A sorceress from the palace extends an invitation to meet for tea.

“We should do the same,” Chuffrey says one evening over his nightly brandy. “Host a dinner, invite over all these new friends you’re making.”

There’s a touch of bitterness in his voice. She’s amused by his jealousy—as if she were ever his in the first place.

But it’s a good idea nonetheless, and so she sends servants out with handwritten invitations for all of the city’s finest: palace officials and Gale Force officers, heads of estate and bank owners. She even invites Madame Morrible, just to be cheeky. She knows the old woman can barely make it out of her bed these days.

She doesn’t particularly like hosting, but she knows she’s good at it. Her smile is dazzling as each guest is ushered in. Men bow low and kiss her hand, while ladies dote over her dress, her shoes, her necklace.

Chuffrey stays unusually close, and she both expects and hates it. Usually he’s inviting men to the den for cigars and business talk. How patronizing. But tonight he’s at her side, tagging along as she wins the hearts of the city’s most powerful people.

“I’m just happy my Glinda is getting the recognition she deserves,” he tells people. He doesn’t smile down at her as she says it. He doesn’t even act like she’s there. “She’s always been a bright one—for a lady, of course. Went to that college up in Shiz.”

There’s always an air of mockery when Chuffrey talks about Shiz, as if he’s revealing something scandalous about her. But Glinda places her hand on his chest and smiles, saying nothing. Nobody ever asks her what Shiz was like, what she studied. Usually they just awkwardly move on, not sure how to address the idea of an educated woman.

“A college girl?” asks one of the bankers around them. He winks at Chuffrey. “You caught a wild one, didn’t you?”

Or, if they’re feeling bold, they say something like that.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” Glinda says before Chuffrey can speak. The man looks at her, smug with her sudden attention. “I was quite serious about my studies.”

“Of course, Lady Chuffrey. I went to university myself. I know not all studies are purely academic.”

Chuffrey chuckles good-naturedly, cutting off any response Glinda can come up with. “What does the past matter?” he asks. “It brought her to me in the end.” She feels his fingers tighten around her waist.

“Indeed.” The banker raises his glass. “And we are all the better off for it. Congratulations, both of you.”

Their little group disperses at that. Alone for a moment, but with eyes still on them, Chuffrey turns to her. He leans down, and she tilts her head so his lips brush her cheek.

His other hand comes up, touching her jaw and turning her so he can kiss her mouth. She feels the prickle of his mustache against her lip. It’s quick and light, nothing outrageous in front of the company. But it doesn’t need to be a lot for her to understand what’s behind it.

These are the nights when she misses Elphaba the most. Elphaba, who knows how important Shiz was, and how hard Glinda fought to be there. Elphaba, who asked about her studies, her thoughts, her passions. Who would let Glinda tell a smirking businessman off, unless she just couldn’t hold back and had to do it herself.

Elphaba, who sees Glinda as her own person. A real human being, with ideas and desires and complex emotions. Not someone to be won or owned. And who, when she kissed Glinda, never did it for show.

And now her missing Elphie is not only an ache, but a craving.

When she first married, she would try to imagine Elphaba in bed with her instead of Chuffrey. It was a lost cause, of course. They are too different, in every possible way. But sometimes, on the rare nights when she sleeps alone, she can pull up old memories: lumpy beds in noisy rooms where Elphaba could never seem to let go of her, or their freezing dormitory. Yes, that’s one of her favorites. When she heard Elphaba shivering across the room and gathered her blankets, going to wrap both them and herself around her. And when she went to kiss Elphaba’s cheek good night, Elphie turned her head to meet her. Glinda thinks of how they didn’t sleep, but they kept plenty warm, and her fingers are close enough to Elphaba’s that, for a moment, she’s no longer alone.

A shrill laugh brings her back to the party. Chuffrey is standing too close, his hand still on her waist, and the heat flooding through her turns to something sickening. She pulls away.

“Let me go fetch us some champagne, hm?”

He smiles his thanks, already turning away to greet one of his business associates. Once free, Glinda takes a breath to steady herself. She almost makes it to one of the servers, but a graying man in a sharp emerald suit steps into her path.

“Lady Chuffrey,” he says, tilting his head toward her. She notices the gold stripes at his shoulders.

“Captain of the Guard.” She holds out her hand. “You honor me.”

He kisses her knuckles. His movements are curt, formal. For a moment, she’s genuinely intimidated.

“You have a lovely home,” he tells her, “and lovely taste in guests.”

“I count myself as very fortunate.”

“Perhaps, though the people tend to believe you deserve it.”

The intimidation is gone. He’s wrapped around her finger, too. Glinda gives him her most charming smile.

“I’m flattered. I only hope I can continue to do so.”

“I’m sure you will.” He meets her eyes. “It is safe to assume, then, that you’ve heard the rumors of—”

“Captain!”

A boy runs into the ballroom, one of the servants on his heels. Glinda thinks, briefly, of Boq. This boy is so small. So young. He nearly skids to a halt before them, coming to attention.

“News from General Lakree, sir, in the Kells.”

The servant bows low. “I’m sorry, my lady. I told him to wait for me to fetch someone, but—”

“It’s quite alright,” Glinda says. “I won’t have my household getting in the way of Gale Force business.”

For the first time, the boy seems to realize who he’s interrupted. His eyes dart nervously between her and the captain. His suit is also emerald, but it bunches at the shoulders, a touch too big on him, and there is no gold save for the buttons.

“Report,” the captain says.

A hush has fallen over the room. The boy relaxes his stance.

“The general has broken camp. He and his troops are personally escorting Dorothy and her company back to the city.” The boy runs out of breath and has to pause before continuing. He looks less nervous now. “Kiamo Ko is now abandoned. He checked the castle himself. The Witch is dead.”

Behind Glinda, a champagne flute explodes.

[rahirah]

For DVD commentary: the Spawn fake dating scene in The Road to Byzantium. "Try an' look debauched here!" etc. etc.

For reference: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11428

Okay, the scene in question takes place in the middle of the story – it's the summer when Buffy is dead, the Knights of Byzantium have come back and captured Dawn and Anya, and chipped-up Spike is trying to rescue them, under the handicap of not being able to hurt humans.  Spike and Anya have concluded that just rescuing Dawn isn't enough; they have to ensure that the Knights never come back.  And to do that, they need to convince the Knights that Dawn isn't the Key any longer.  To that end, Dawn has given Spike a mouthful of her blood, hoping that will convince the Knights that she's no longer "pure" and therefore not the Key.  Unfortunately, Key blood has some unanticipated side effects...

"Spike," Dawn croaked, "what's the plan?"  He was still wearing that lunatic grin, and his pupils were enormous black wells in his amber eyes - well, they would be in the dark, wouldn't they?  His body radiated an un-vampire-like warmth.  "There is a plan, right?"

My idea here was that if Slayer blood is a stimulant for vampires, Key blood is vampire crack.  Spike is as high as a kite.

"'Course I've got a plan." Spike sounded offended.  "Got lots of plans.  Oodles of plans!  Plenty of plans, all of them cracking good plans, too!  What demon girl said, yeh?  Shush, it's General Wossface, with enough arrows in his quiver to re-enact the martyrdom of St. Sebastian.  Oooh, not sporting, not sporting at all!"

It was a lot of fun writing manic, run-on word-salad dialogue for him, just tossing a bunch of pop culture and classical allusions together.

Aethelred halted at a safe distance and folded his arms across his chest. "Vampire!  This charade is pointless.  You cannot hurt us, and you would no more harm the Key than her sister would.  Until Brother Selwin can examine her, I'm loath to chance the girl's death - but I will kill both of you rather than let her escape."  He waved at the bristling arc of bowmen.  "Turn the Key over to me, and we will allow you and the demon woman to leave."

One thing I enjoy doing in fic is taking Joss's throwaway McGuffins and fleshing them out some.  So I tried to give the Knights a little more personality, and put some thought into how their organization works in the modern world.  Not all of that gets into the fic, of course, because it's not relevant, and infodumps are tiresome for the reader.  But one of the things I figured is that the Knights take a new name when they join the Order, sort of like a nun getting a new name when they take holy orders.  Except instead of Biblical-type names, they're all Old English.

"Aren't we ever so manly?  P'raps you've noticed..." Spike tugged the front of his t-shirt up.  The cloth was a shredded mess, and the pale, concave belly underneath it was peppered with the tiny black dots of buckshot wounds, but there was no blood. "You can't hurt me, either.  Seems our Dawn's blood puts Lydia Pinkham to shame. Could be it'll work on headaches, too.  Want to find out?"

Dagobert's jaw clenched, causing his mustache to bristle like a belligerent hedgehog.  He took a step forward, and the General laid a restraining hand on his arm.  Dawn could see him working out the odds.  Unless they hit Spike's heart dead on, the bolts wouldn't stop him any more than the shotgun had.  She knew that Spike couldn't keep up the super-speed indefinitely, and the pain from the chip would get worse the more damage Spike tried to inflict, but the knights' briefing might not have been that thorough.

Also my Knights are a tad more competent than their canon counterparts.  They did their homework before trying for Dawn again.

"Thought not," Spike purred.  "Now.  Let's us have a chat.  You'd kill her, yeh, you've stones enough for that.  But it'll eat at you.  Every night, for the rest of your days, you'll wake, and you'll see her eyes staring back at you out of the dark."  His hand cupped her cheek, dry and strangely warm.  Dawn thought it trembled a little.  "So bloody beautiful..."  He blinked and shook himself, lapsing in and out of game face like he couldn't remember which was which.  "Wages of being a good man.  'Course," his grin grew sharper, more predatory.  "I'm makin' the assumption that you are a good man."

I did want the readers to get the idea that Aethelred was a good man, who's genuinely conflicted about his duty.  Which is the main reason that Spike and Dawn's con works; he really doesn't want to kill an innocent girl.  Well, that and some help from Orlando  (whom this story posits survived getting knifed by his comrades, and who was not at all a happy camper.)  

Aethelred said nothing.  Dawn hoped that was a good sign.  Spike couldn't lie to Buffy to save his life, but put him in a situation like this and he turned into Gielgud.  Or at least Matt Damon.

"Things have changed since you and your band of merry men last took the Sunnydale tour." Spike held Dawn's bleeding wrist up for all to see and ran his tongue along the length of her forearm, starting slick and human-soft, ending demon-rough. "Delicious," he drawled, stretching the word out like warm taffy. "You say I won't kill her, and you're right.  But you've got the whys of it all wrong.  Slayer's rotting in the ground - what's a promise to her, now?   You want the Key neutralized.  And for me it's all about the blood.  Seems to me we can both get what we want, without you losing sleep of nights."

"And how do you propose to... neutralize her?" Aethelred demanded, in a voice as stiff as his spine.

Spike's chuckle was possibly the filthiest thing Dawn had ever heard.  "Already done, Prince Valiant.  Key's supposed to be pure, yeh?"  His hand slipped upwards from her waist. "An' she's anything but, now that I'm in the picture."

"Spike!" Dawn hissed.  "You're touching my boob!"

"Blimey, Sherlock, I hadn't noticed!" Spike hissed back.  "Try an' look debauched here!"

In the scene before this one, Spike and Anya discussed various forms of mystical impurity, and because I really dislike the popular connection of moral purity with virginity (which is a completely arbitrary social construct, don't get me started) I had Anya debunk the idea ("Magicians are sexist, but magic isn't.") However, Spike knows damned well that that's the first thing most people will think of, and so he's trying his damnedest to hint broadly at the connection to Aethelred.

Dawn dropped her voice to a Penthouse moan.  "Oh, Spike!" She tossed her head back in her best impersonation of a romance-novel cover painting.  Why should Spike have all the good lines?   "My purity is totally sullied!  Bite me harder!  You make it hurt soooooo good!"

The millisecond of absolute horror that flashed across Spike's face was pretty much worth the admission for the whole night.  He recovered fast, though. "There, you've heard it from her lips.  Impure as I am.  Her power's no use to anyone any longer. 'Cept me."

Poor Spike. :D One thing I try to do is...OK, the main pairing in the Barbverse is Spuffy; says so on the tin.  But Buffy and Spike each have all kinds of other relationships, and I want to write those relationships with enough depth and subtext that if the Barbverse were a stand-alone cration, people would be shipping non-canon pairings.  And in this case, Dawn has a very textual crush on Spike, and this story gave me a chance to play with that. 

"So you would suggest, then," Dagobert said with an icy sneer, "That as good men, we hand over a girl scarcely more than a child to a creature as loathsome as you, to be used for your pleasure?"

Spike snorted.  "There's consistency for you.  You're willing to have murder on your conscience, but you balk at a spot of pandering?"

I like having Spike around to point this stuff out...

"Maynard!  Aelfric!" the General snapped.

A pair of dark-robed clerics pushed through the line of bowmen and hastened to their leader's side. Maynard folded his hands into his sleeves and bowed deeply.  "Your will, my lord?"

"The vampire claims," the General said tersely, "To have made the girl his... doxy." His lip curled with distaste.

"Doxy's such a nasty word," Spike murmured.  "I prefer 'box lunch.'"

Despite the subtext, I wanted Spike to be quite clear that he's biting, not, er, anything else.

"Be that as it may," Aethelred said.  "The undead are vile creatures.  What chance is there his... association with the girl has corrupted her essence?"

The clerics frowned, putting their heads together - Spike could probably hear every word, but to Dawn it was only indecipherable mumbling.  Her head was pounding, and the torches were surrounded by pulsing haloes of light.  What was wrong with her?

Bwhahah.  To find that out you'll have to read the rest of the story.

[evenstevensranked]

#21: Season 2, Episode 15 - “Sibling Rivalry”

In an attempt to settle their never-ending rivalry, Ren and Louis compete on a ridiculous game show called “Sib Wars.” There’s also Ren/Bobby/Mandy drama on the side which is beyond juicy. Meanwhile, Donnie has a date with a French girl and has Nelson translate for him. 

This one opens with Louis "Flossercising” -- A combination of flossing your teeth and exercising. Right off the bat, you know this episode is gonna be an outlandish one. He’s just chillin’, incorrectly lifting weights in a bathroom full of dental floss lol

How do you even buy that much dental floss? Also, I can’t deal with Shia’s face in this screenshot. ALSO, I’d like to talk to Sarah and Suzie and ask them what drugs they were on when they came up with “flossercising.” 

Ren starts freaking out at Louis because she needs to get ready for a date with Bobby and he’s cramping her style. They chase each other into Donnie’s room where we see Donnie super focused on learning French. I love how he’s dressed in the stereotypical black and white striped mime shirt -- sitting in front of a pile of French books, Eiffel Tower statues and a bowl of french fries while doing so. As if it’s a freaking séance to reach the ghosts of French experts. 

Cutting off his head was the only way I could get everything in the screenshot lol. 

This scene is pretty funny. After Louis and Ren come running into his room, Donnie tells them to knock it off because he only has one day to learn French. “That’s realistic” Ren says so sarcastically, I crack up every time. This is also where Ren calls Louis “infuriating” and he tries to call her it as well, but butchers the word and says “In-flirt-in-ate-ter-ing.” I remember this being used on a few ads for the show back in the day. Just then, Donnie grabs a VHS tape, shows it to them very dramatically and says “You guys need to see this.” And Louis is all “What? You lifting weights in your bathing suit? We already saw that.” HAHA!!! I love how Donnie is so obliviously vain, it’s great. Imagine subjecting your brother and sister to that. He quickly picks up the VHS he meant to show them, which is an accidental taping of a show called “Sibling Sessions.” 

This show within a show is so freaking hilarious. It’s like Dr. Phil if it were a show within a soap opera and filmed in a therapists office. The brother and sister (Kevin and Wendy) who appear on it are so lame and fake, it’s so good. The host makes Kevin apologize to Wendy and I died laughing. 

“It’s nothing against you, Wendy! You’re the BEST! I guess the reason I act the way I do, is because of my own insecurities. Deep down... I’m just a loser.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. The acting is purposely incredibly bad here, almost like an infomercial -- which makes it even better. The kid looks like he’s about to burst out laughing when he says “I’m just a loser” lol. 

Even Stevens seriously wins the award for Most Original Humor on Disney Channel. Ever. No other show has a strut quite like this one. I also thank god every day that ES didn’t have a laugh track. It simply doesn’t need one. 

Ren thinks the show seems professional and is down for appearing on it. Louis, on the other hand, is vehemently against it -- Until the host announces that Kevin and Wendy will receive two tickets to Happy Mountain Amusement Park for being on the show, lol. 

You just know this was an ad-lib, tbh. How does Shia even think of this stuff? What even is that facial expression? He’s too much...

I also just realized that Ren is definitely wearing the necklace Louis bought her in Swap.com. Ya know, the one she gave back to Ernie? Oops. 

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and Ren is expecting it to be Bobby, but *dun dun dunnn* It’s Nelson. This marks the start of the DRAMA!!! Bobby sent Nelson as the bearer of bad news. He’s there to let Ren know Bobby had to cancel their date because he has work to do with his lab partner. Hummmmm... Ren is immediately suspicious. Clearly, she does not trust Bobby and this relationship ain’t healthy. 

Somewhere around here, Donnie finds out that Nelson can speak French. So he asks him to translate on his upcoming date with some ~beautiful foreign exchange student.~ We also get the “HAAAAPPY MOUNTAIN! THE BIG OLD ROCK OF FUUUUUUN!” from Louis which is iconic. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that most of the things Shia does in this episode are ad-libs.

The next day at school, Ren happens to catch Bobby working with his lab partner... who he conveniently forgot to mention is Mandy “Always-Gets-Her-Man” Sanchez. RED FLAG!!! MAJOR RED FLAG. 

When class lets out, there’s this awkward/passive-aggressive/mean girl moment between Ren and Mandy -- and it’s gold. Mandy says “Ren, love the lipstick! That color works so well on your THIN lips. :)” To which Ren responds, “You know? I wonder what it’d look like on a FAT LIP :)” hahahaha. Salty overload. Ren decides to privately confront Bobby about the situation after. Asking why he neglected to say that Mandy was his lab partner because Mandy is definitely into him, and he essentially tells her it’s all in her head. “Come on, it’s just Mandy. She flirts with everyone!” So, Ren convinces herself that she’s just overreacting. THIS IS SUCH A TEXTBOOK CASE OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP. You can clearly see that Ren is still suspicious though.. and it only gets worse when Bobby kisses her goodbye on the cheek instead of the lips. Oh, boy. Bobby sucks. 

Ren and Louis go to an audition for “Sibling Sessions” but when they get there they see that the show has been rebranded as “Sib Wars” -- a competition show. Apparently the ratings were in the toilet. Can’t imagine why!!! Who wouldn’t want to watch a low-level, PBS knock-off of Dr. Phil?! The show is on the verge of being cancelled all together, unless they can find two bickering siblings to compete ASAP -- and Louis and Ren answer their prayers. They come barging in like two arguing tornados. I love their little fight here though, lol. Ren claims that Louis got ice cream in her hair and Louis says “Did it ever occur to you that YOUR hair got in MY ice cream? Did that enter your skull?!” He has a point. Ren obviously considers herself to be the superior sibling, so she has no doubt that she’ll win the cheesy competition. “I could even grow a mustache before you!” she threatens. And Louis comes back with one of my favorite burns everrrr: “You could. In fact, it’s coming in quite nicely!” HAHA. Shia and Christy go on to totally ad-lib a heated argument and I love it. 

The host, David Blackburn, is so over the top with everything he does. On “Sibling Sessions” he was over the top melodramatic and on “Sib Wars” he’s over the top excited. It’s like he’s incapable of acting like a normal human. Normally, I cannot stand when shows go overboard with obnoxiousness.. but I can’t help but laugh at this guy. He starts wearing a cheap, short, dreads wig to try to seem more ~hip~ and young, (”Is my hair on straight?”) which is hilarious to me. And this dude delivers every single one of his lines with such a perfect balance of fake enthusiasm and the insecurity that comes along with trying way too hard to be cool. It just gets me for some reason, lol. I’m also almost positive that HE’S doing the voiceover announcing HIMSELF as “the handsome, the talented -- DAVID BLACKBURRRRRNNNN!” haha. I have to gif the footage of his introduction because it’s honestly so meme-worthy and hysterical imo: 

If I had the power, I’d make nearly every other moment of every Even Stevens episode a popular meme. It’s beyond deserving... Yet, the only meme that’s come out of Even Stevens is Beans. Great. This show is truly one of the greatest, overlooked TV gems ever. 

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the “TV G” was edited in for “Sib Wars” specifically. I don’t remember Even Stevens ever having a rating pop up like that before, so that’s pretty awesome lol. I’m not sure what part of this gif gets me the worst, though. When he flips his “hair” back, the zoom-out shot of him like “ :D ” or the “THAT’S ME!” It’s all brilliant. I’ve been laughing at this for 5 minutes straight.

The game show ends up being incredibly stupid with the dumbest questions and categories ever... So it’s basically tailor-made for Louis Stevens. Therefore, he literally leaves Ren in the dust -- 500 points to 0. There’s also a “Pudding Pit of Doom” round where yet another bad Louis stunt double flips into the vat: 

I never noticed how many stunts happen on this show until now. This guy is obviously older and has a completely different build than Shia. They really don’t even try lol. 

David Blackburn announces that Louis and Ren will return the next day for the “Ultimate Humiliation” round -- where they have 1 minute to totally mortify the other on public access television. Fun! Louis is scrambling to find some dirt on Ren, and he fails. The closest thing he gets is her “brushing her teeth inefficiently” on tape. This bit always stuck with me though!! He explains the footage to Twitty and says “Look at the technique. She’s doing that upward thing, you’re not supposed to be doing that! You’re supposed to do the little circles!” I think about this every single time I brush my teeth and have since always brushed in a circular motion lol. 

The drama reaches the climax right about now when Louis and Twitty catch Bobby and Mandy walking down the hall together very flirtatiously. Their first thought is to start recording -- and boy did they end up capturing the most DRAMATIC TEEN DRAMA MOMENT THE SHOW HAS EVER SEEN: 

Is this Even Stevens or Degrassi???

When I rewatched this episode for the first time in a few years, I was genuinely shocked. I knew Bobby was “cheating,” but I always remembered it as only flirting or a lingering hug. (Ya know... because Disney.) But, NOPE. It was an actual kiss on the lips. Bobby is a RAT and I never liked him. It’s really too bad they didn’t end the series with some comedic plot where Ren and Larry realize their feelings for each other because trust me..... the feelings are there. That’s way better content than Bobby freakin’ Deaver. HE WAS NEVER FOR YOU, REN!

Louis’ plan is to be a slimeball and use this footage in the Ultimate Humiliation round. That’s honestly so messed up, I can’t even fathom that idea. Imagine video of your significant other kissing some other person airing for everyone to see. Dang. I told you this was dramatic. 

This subplot is really, really short. So I’ll wrap it up now as usual. It’s just Donnie on his date with Sandrine (played by Danica McKellar from The Wonder Years) with Nelson translating. Basically, Nelson’s allergies to everything flare up. He takes over the date and steals Sandrine’s attention away from Donnie. That’s it. There’s this one screenshot that’s pretty great without context tho: 

Back to the main plot. Ren decided to use Louis’ nasty bed sheet as her way to humiliate him. I love how she titled the exhibit "Louis: An American Tragedy" lol: 

When it’s Ren’s turn to sit in the hot seat, she takes a moment to give a shout out to Bobby. Saying how happy she is that they’re together and she hopes they can stay together. Of course. Meanwhile, Louis is standing there holding the VHS tape of Bobby cheating. It’s intense. Ultimately, Louis makes the right decision and doesn’t show the tape. He just gives up and says he didn’t come prepared with anything. I LOVE SEEING GOOD LITTLE BROTHER LOUIS, MAN!!! Ren is declared the winner. 

Louis knows that Ren doesn’t deserve to continue to be lead on by Bobby. So at home that night, Louis simply gives Ren the tape. The footage is pretty self explanatory. It fades to a very dramatic shot of Ren breaking up with Bobby by giving him his letterman jacket back. I hate Bobby. He’s standing there all sad. Like... Come on, man. Don’t act like you're upset about what you did. You knew full well what you were doing. 

Ren’s head to toe light blue ensemble is... something. 

Ren thanks Louis for not showing the tape on TV and he says “Ren, you’re my sister. I wouldn’t do you like that.” MY HEART. That vibe changes quickly though when Louis asks if he can be her plus 1 to Happy Mountain lol. 

And that’s it. The episode ends with Donnie watching the video of him lifting weights in his bathing suit. haha. 

I really like this episode. It’s not one of my personal favorites, but this episode is most true to the series' premise. If you look at it literally, it’s the most "Even Stevens" episode ever tbh -- which is why it's higher on the list. I also just cannot get over the level of legit drama here with the Bobby/Mandy stuff! Crazy. Louis is a great brother here, too.. which is so amazing to see. There aren’t any giant laugh-out-loud moments, but the dialogue here is so snappy and smart. I found myself laughing quite a bit due to how great the writing is and the delivery from the cast all around. Everyone is on point here. 

Thanks for reading!!

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