#i also know i'm getting stressed because i'm starting to do quirky shit

[svtskneecaps]

i always know i’m getting stressed when my comfort fic becomes “time travel fix-it” adjacent. like honestly when i put that tag back in the ao3 include filters that should have been a red flag.

[totallynoteggos]

lol hey this is just a vent post abt my life rn I don’t really expect any on u to read this

Tw if you do read this: talk of Anxiety, ppl not understanding neurological limitations, talk of vauge self exit and SH (its very minor) overall vent post shit

Sorry u have to see me in such a shifty mental state but I need to get this off my chest before I resort to violence

Once again, not KND stuff this is a Vent Post

I’m not neurotypical by any means I'm on some spectrum but all we know so far is that I have OCD and Anxiety. Also I'm going into the 9th grade which that In of itself is a stressful situation but in the last four years I've never stayed in the same school so seeing the same people is hella new to me. I have this really bad habit of going no contact with people after the school year is over because I usually never see them again. My mom can't seem to understand that there are simply things I can't do because of the anxiety & OCD (and I'm not using this as a reason to act out or defy her) abt 2 weeks ago we went to get food, now usually I order my food to make sure I get what I like and not have a mixup. And pls notice this was after a week long “vacation” that ended up being stressful and draining. But anyways there was a mixup and I ended up with a burger with all toppings instead of plain, which caused me to panic because I was hungry and stressed before already. And instead of trying to accommodate she stood firm in her beliefs that I need to get over it and just eat the damn burger. And I heavily insisted on not eating it and eating the fries instead. After a argument (and at the instance of my grandma) she bought me another burger and while in line I told her outright that there are some things that I physically can't do or else they send me into a panic. She that said that she “gets that” but I don't have to act out In front of my grandma which she idolized. And now like I said with the whole start of school she's saying “it wont be your best years if you don't let it be your best years” but I don't think she understands that I don't know how to do that. I've moved around a lot and I've been made fun of a lot due to my interests, hobbies and simply just to be the clown. Most of the people I befriend end up getting annoyed or just keep me around until I say something that doesn't make me the dumb and “quirky” one. And like I said I suck at keeping contact and now everyone still has their old friend groups and mine just see me as a joke or weirdo now. Its stressing me out so much and its only been two days, hell yesterday I would have thrown up from the stress but because I was so stressed I didn't eat shit so I didn't throw up. School stresses me out so much it's unimaginable, its the people, the sounds, the halls, the fact that people won't leave you alone, someone always talking or screaming, just please shut the fuck up so I can learn and be out of here. And god its so fucking hard not feeling what everyone else around you feels. My moms getting upset at me for not wanting to go on the busses when I have gone on one and it left 20 fucking minutes from my house cus the lady was screaming and I got scared as was about to cry. And now she wants me to try again with kids I don't fucking know who some how don't know personal space or manners. And back to the emotions things, why the fuck don't I feel the same as them, god I feel so fucking robotic compared to my mother and everybody else but they also make me feel like a god damned mutt. On one hand they think it's weird that I don't want to talk or to Interact but somehow don't realize that it's their fault I don't want to, and on the other hand whenever I'm upset or angry and actually show it its MY fault. Because apparently since I'm the youngest of my family im supposed to have the personality of pinkie pie and I have no problems. And because I'm quiet, friendly or just shy and I'm supposed to control my emotions because I'm a “young lady”. I've tried talking to my mom about home school because my school has that as a option but she says that I can't hide when she's been doing that too. Sometimes I feel like she cares more for the happiness of those she wants to impress rather than that of her family. But god if all of life feels like this then count me out cus its too much to be alive right now. I think ima take a shot or three of night quill and hopefully sleep until ITs to late to go to school

Goodnight

[subterranean-heartsick-blues]

Fresh Ice by Marina Vivancos book review

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Cause we're grown, baby, you know it / Want it but you just won't show it / Eyes glued to me like you're slow motion / Got you hooked on my potion, baby (Act A Fool – Kehlani).

In the wake of devastatingly bleak world events, sometimes the best form of respite is finding a book that you can’t help but get lost in. Um…. this is not that book. The thing is, I don’t really get the whole “omegaverse” thing. I just don’t get it, maaan. I mean, I guess the Alonso’s whole “I’m sad because I’m an omega in a world of alpha males” thing is supposed to evoke the same imagery of a closeted man whose strained relationship with his father forces him to internalizes his queerness and present to the world as a “manly man.” It's a tale as old as time, and to have a story about the main character shedding this poisonous mindset and learning how to love and be loved in return? I can’t lie, it’s a good foundation! But you know what else could work with this narrative structure? Literally just writing about a queer person being in the closet! I’m generally of the mind that no Alpha & Omega book has ever been improved by simply being an Alpha & Omega book. Like, if you removed all the talks of “alphas” and “omegas” from this book entirely, I truly believe nothing about this its story would have changed at all. Sorry to those who like these kinds of books, but I guess it’s (still) not my thing. It just sucks because every time I see one of these cool looking books I get really excited! But then the trouble starts whenever they start talking about “scents” and “alpha energy” or whatever, and I just kind of check out, you know? Maybe it’s because a lot of these phrases have been tainted by those weird dudes in real life who are always talking about being an “alpha male” or a “sigma male,” and whenever I see that shit in the wild it activates my fight-or-flight response. Seriously, Alonso kept talking about being an omega “in a room with alphas,” and all I could do was roll my eyes so far back it I might as well have been chanting “Azarath Metrion Zinthos.” So, why even bother with this book if I don’t like the Alpha & Omega stuff? Well, all I’m going to say is that I’ll stop reading these kinds of books when they stop putting hot dudes on the cover.

Nonetheless, if I hang-up my hang-ups for a second over there on that coat rack, I’d honestly say that Fresh Ice is not bad at all. There’s a cute sports romance hidden somewhere between the lines and I can safely say that this was enough of a light and easy read that it honestly helped ease me back into reading, because I’ve otherwise only really been able to stomach reading comics for the last couple days. Besides, there were definitely a lot of cute (and hot) moments, so I hope this helped put a stop to my rapidly growing reputation of being the “guy who hates everything.” Besides, anyone who knows me knows that not only am I a huge fan, but that I’m also a big understander…er of sports too! Like, I get it, maaan. Sometimes a ball goes in a hole, sometimes it goes in a net, and if we’re getting really crazy, we get to see a ball going into a hoop. Wild stuff, really! And in the case of Fresh Ice, sometimes Levy goes balls deep in Alonso. Bazonga! Or whatever the fuck that guy says. Just kidding, I know it's "bazinga," I'm just being silly. So quirky! Anyway, low-hanging fruit aside, I really don’t mean to be facetious about sports, a thing that a lot of people love, I just can’t help it sometimes. It’s mostly that I’m always marveling at a sports guy’s ability to feel such communal joy at their favorite sport, whether or not their team ends up winning or losing, and I’m probably just jealous because I don’t get it. I guess that’s a little similar to Alonso’s character arc throughout this book in a way, because he’s spent his whole life stuck under his father’s gaze, being forced to see hockey as this stressful competition where everyone else is out to get him. And through his relationship with Levy, not only is he able to find unconditional love and a family that accepts and cherishes him, but he’s also able to see the sport that’s been nothing but a source of pain and anxiety in a new light. He’s able to see it as what it really is; a game. And with this new perspective, he comes to see that there are more important things than being the best of the best. I just think that's a nice sentiment to leave off on.

“They lay together in the aftermath, two cooling bodies wrapped up in each other, their whole future a bright path in front of them.”

[ragamuffin-ponies]

Dropping by because I saw your post in the genderfluid tag hi! I'm genderfluid and 90% of the time can't actually tell you what my gender is, the 10% is me going "oh god I'm my assigned gender I've been a ~quirky cis~ the whole time" or "oh god I've been just plain transgender forever I need to commit." And both of those are wrong because the next week I'll feel completely different. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I don't know! And that's okay. If you end up being cis but knowing you like gender nonconformity that's cool, if you're binary transgender that's cool, if you're somewhere in-between or mixed up (or nothing at all), that's cool! If you want to play with gender but not label, you should do that! You're here to live! Try not to make yourself suffer by relegating yourself to gender that isn't fun or worrying about all the details.

As for loved ones, that's always rough. My family is evangelically christian and don't "get" me. They're kinda shitty, so I keep them separate and focus on being around people who like me. I had to find some queer friends, but I think I'll keep them forever. As for my wife, neither of us were out when we met and we both uncomfortably assumed the other was cishet. She's a trans woman, maybe bi or pan but just uses "sapphic." It took some time before she was ready to try new names and she/her - she even used they/them for a bit just with me as a way to expand her comfort zone. (And between you and me, I thought I didn't like women, but she came out and by god I LOVE women!)

I hope your partner listens and understands when you feel comfortable to share how you feel. I hate to say it, but if people refuse to try to understand, they're not worth being around. My wife had to leave a relationship like that (with another trans person even) because that person wouldn't listen and allow her to feel safe enough to consider coming out. But there are lots of cool people who, queer or not, will like you, love you even! They'll see you and enjoy being around you! As cheesy as it sounds, holy shit it does get better.

And unrelated to the gender stuff, I noticed on another post lamenting about "needing attention." 1 you're right, you would want a friend to talk to you, so they're probably glad you're talking to them. And 2 you're wrong, it's not that You Always Need Attention, but that you're a person, humans are very social we want to reach out and communicate. We want to talk and be heard and listen in return! I used to feel like I was overly selfish or dragging people down because I wanted to reach out all the time, and it got to the point where I got scared to say anything. One of my friends reached out because I hadn't said anything recently. They got on to me for Not sharing the stuff I was going through. They had to explain that it was part of friendship, sharing the good And the bad. Not only was it healing to hear, god it felt good to not isolate myself anymore. Even if it was just the one friend saying I could vent and complain, I didn't have to keep it inside and I could get help with problems beyond what my anxiety filled brain could come up with.

Okay this ask is too long and rambley and I think I accidentally changed a paragraph's color and can't change it back. Wrapping up now: you seem cool, keep being you, don't stress too much on labels, have as much fun as you can, talk with people you trust, and let people in (whether sharing your problems or being open to new friendships)

Also very good taste in ponies <3

Thank you Anon. I appreciate the advice and words of affirmation. In both my rant and the ponies. It's still all get fresh, a lot of these realizations came pretty quickly, but none of these feelings have been new at all. I think I'll start with my girlfriend and test the waters. We haven't been dating very long which actually now that I think of it might be a boon rather than a bane.

Idk I think identity is weird and idk what to do. It's a pretty uncomfortable journey into being comfortable

[snakedogge]

huh total night-posting on the topic of "socially acceptable" mental illnesses and those tiktoks with kids being like "I came here for a mental breakdown now I think it wasn't that serious"

So I'll ramble under the cut about personal stuff - what is this Tumblr but an informal journal for myself anyways

I have had something Deeply Wrong with me for such a long time and after a complete shattering of my mind was I able to get it diagnosed and could start managing it, processing and healing

When I told people in my closest social circle at the time i quickly realized it was A Fucking Mistake. hey, here's my very serious diagnosis of being schizophrenic, I'm telling you all because I trust you and I need support

Suddenly people in my DMs "I think I hear voices too what are yours like? Mines named so and so" and I have to stress this that it wasn't somebody also with this issue coming to me for insight. Multiple people suddenly started identifying with me and leaning *into* it.

My ex who I was with at the time started saying "I think there's something wrong with me too I'm also paranoid" and then used that as a reason he couldn't work. He actually took my explanations for what I was going through and used my experience to get approved for disability through his work. I would wander the streets at night and hide under random cars because I could feel myself being followed. Like my ex is a whole story on his own but I was so genuinely unwell and he literally just used that to do even LESS for me than ever.

My friends started trying to probe about my voices and if they have identities and what was going on in my head and then it didn't take long until they had DID and were kinning characters. (which is not a diss on people with DID or who kin characters. in this specific situation, however, it was deeply uncomfortable.) Meanwhile I couldn't sleep at night because of the faces and because I could swear there were cameras in the walls and before I realized it I couldn't even tell them these things because they'd already packaged up my problem as being cute and quirky. what was my horrifying daily existence became this weird...quirky topic.

It's a really isolating experience. And all that to say I wouldn't undermine that those ex-friends truly did need therapy or help but when I told them my diagnosis they just took it a step further and saw it as a label for some identity and it truly felt like they made it about themselves.

Like my life was already spiraling out of control and now whenever someone asks me "so what are the voices like?" I just immediately cringe regardless of intent. I completely stopped being open about it because of shit like this. I wish I wasn't unnerving to be around and off putting. Yeah some of my stranger moments are funny in retrospect (thanks, Rick and Morty inspired delusional outbursts at 2am) but I still wish they never happened and I never did them.

And I don't mind leaning into being a weirdo. But leaning into my mental illness is totally separate territory. And it was a strange experience to feel, over time, like somebody was just trying to co-opt my identity, multiple times.

I know that of course some of that could be elevated by the paranoia but that's why I've sat and run through everything start to finish multiple times.

anyway all that to say that yeah, I believe people genuinely think mental illness is just a series of quirks. it's not just kids either but full grown adults. maybe they don't consciously think "it's just quirky" but the versions of mental illness they are comfortable with in their head only go that far. idk I am very sleepy

also glad my ass is back on tumblr. it's as anonymous a social media as I can get anymore, and I love feeling like I'm talking into a fuckin void of nothing, but still leaving a speck of me behind somewhere on the internet. honestly at the end of the day I just want to talk about my experience with my mental illness, but without... all of that. and without making others uncomfortable. like I feel like I have a few people I could absolutely DM them about stuff but I also feel it would put them in a tough spot. so God bless Tumblr dot com

[socheckitout-mikey]

heya birdies! here's a shorter hc piece! sorry i haven't posted much other than reblogging. it's hard to type well on my phone bc a keyboard on a computer helps the words flow better. once again, i lost an ask. will that ever not occur? probably not! anyway, here's another masterpiece of chaos for the outsiders! enjoy. (': - mae

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

How the Curtis Gang and Shepard Brothers Flirt Hc's:

Curly Shepard:

° He flirts by being mean to you because Curly's a little shit lmaoo! He's that guy that'll get under your skin so you talk to him. I'm pretty sure at first y'all couldn't stand each other.

° He tries to be smooth, but he's not the brainiest so the lines he practiced either sound corny or dirty ngl. He did get most of them from Tim or his gang members after all. Curly is a bit of a copycat in that sense, but he's original in some stupidity he pulls. He's actually incredibly funny, with a quirky sense of smoothness. 

° Deffo tried flirting with you by propping his foot on a stool, missed and face planted lmaoo. You never let him live it down, but it got him a date with you because he made you laugh a lot. So in the end, Curly's stupidity and clumsiness won! (I say that affectionately ofc! We Stan Curly Shepard on this blog.)

° He thinks flirting is also doing something that he knows is gonna get him into trouble right in front of you. Curly's a bit of a show off, isn't he? Nevermind, there's entertainment at all times in your budding relationship. Curly doesn't like to be serious too often, so you'll be in for lots of fun and trouble making!

Dallas Winston:

° Omfg is he a bastard! Flirting with Dallas is one wild ass ride. The president of the, "I Like You So I'm Gonna Be Mean to You Club". The bigger the reaction you give him, the better. And boy will he get it because he genuinely does have a whole arsenal of things. He'll get dirty real fast, though that's more at the start.

° He's very touchy and will sling his arm around your shoulders, a hand in your back pocket… He shows interest. Dallas is not shy!

° His eyes fall to your lips, filled with mischief and interest. An absolute tease when he leans in just a little closer, and when you're ready to kiss him, he turns away smoothly at the last second. All just to rile you up because he likes 'em feisty!

° Dirty jokes galore! He's got incredibly smooth as hell pickup lines too. When he wants to be, he can make a good impression.

Darry Curtis:

° Darry is surprisingly smooth when he wants to be. People are stunned because they don't see it coming as it's not on display often. His grumpiness disappears, replaced by a cheerful charm and smoothed features. Not an ounce of stress on his face. He's inclined to laugh more. He's still got the charm! Oh and his smile is to die for!

° He's old school and very gentlemanly. He wants to make a good impression even if you've been married for decades! Darry enjoys taking care of the one he's interested in. That'll never go away, so flirting can almost come in the form of checking up on you too. 

° Darry pulls out all of the romantic stops that he can. Expect lots of flowers and stuff - Soda had to help him arrange it all because he's so damn busy, but his intentions were definitely there. No one can deny that. He even gave Sodapop strict orders, otherwise he'd have beaten the tar outta him because Soda gets distracted easily. (Obviously that last bit isn't me being totally serious.)

° Lots of eye contact and smiling. He's got a beautiful smile - and yes, I know I mentioned that again. Darry shows interest through looking into your eyes, having a gentle arm around your shoulders and just being the gentleman that he is.

Johnny Cade:

° He's clumsy and it can be insanely challenging to pick up when he's flirting. However, he has more colour to his face than what's normal. He's a glowing tomato! 

° Johnny is genuinely interested and will say the most sincere compliments to you when he's worked up the courage to do so. I feel he would stammer a lot, but he means what he says. You can tell, and it makes you have an explosion of butterflies in your belly.

° Pda isn't his thing really. Touch in of itself can be challenging to experience, but he does try to hold your hand out in public. He always sticks by you the closest, so much so that you can practically feel his body heat. Don't take offense to this, he's way more affectionate when it's just you two. It's just that all these curious eyes on you both freaks him out.

° He goes out of his way to help you with things, even if he's not really good at it. It's his way of showing you he cares about you. Johnny wants to feel like he's worth something, and how he does this is by getting his hands a little dirty for you. It leads to a lot of wholesome or even funny moments. The more he does this without you protesting, the more comfortable he gets around you.

Ponyboy Curtis:

° He's clumsy too in his approach. He blushes sm but he tries to be flirty. He fails, but not without you giggling. He gets real mopey, but adores your sudden affection. Pony is just embarrassed.

° He's kind, helping you with any of your school work as he enjoys spending time with you. Gets all dreamy eyed when you're there, and you'll catch him daydreaming - even when you're talking. He just sorta gets lost, guys. Earth to Pony!

° Compliments you sincerely and smiles a lot more. Suggests that you guys go see a movie together. This is a huge step, because as we know, Ponyboy doesn't like watching movies with other people. However, he feels comfortable with you, knowing you won't intrude in his mental space by gratingly talking through said movie.

° Ponyboy shares things with you that he never shares with anyone like movies, books, sunsets, etc. If he's talking passionately about something to you then it's a good sign. He loves listening to your passions too. He can wrap his head around a lot of different topics all at once. All I can see now is Ponyboy just swooning over you silently with a whimsical sigh as you chat about your latest interest. Absolutely wholesome!

Sodapop Curtis:

° Sodapop flirts to the max with you! He makes it very obvious that he's into you whilst also remaining cool and smooth. He's got a knack for sweeping you off your feet, it feels like you're in a romance movie!

° Sometimes it can be challenging to see when he's interested or just flirting for the fun of it. The lines can be blurred because of how friendly he is. Yet do not let that deter you. When Sodapop is seriously interested, you can tell with the sparkle in those gorgeous, dreamy eyes of his.

° He gets your number with a smooth pick up line! He's also touchy since his love language is touch. Not inappropriately of course, but what you're comfortable with: Holding hands, his hand in your back pocket, an arm over your shoulder, etc. Sodapop is drawn to you like a fly is drawn to honey, but not obsessively. He knows the balance and picks up quickly what you are and aren't comfortable with.

° Asks you out or takes you to a party. His entire attention is on you. He wants to show people how much fun y'all are having. Sodapop is very direct, but he can also be coy. He likes a bit of a chase, but he carries himself with sweet gestures, yet flirtatious advances. He knows how to have you swooning over him in seconds.

Steve Randle:

° Oh boy, you're not prepared for Steve Randle. He's smooth asf and that wise cracking attitude either grates on your last nerves or makes you think he's slick enough to date. There's no in between, but whether you hate him or not at first, it doesn't matter, he somehow gets you to be fond of him soon.

° Soda is his wingman for sure, helping him feel better about himself. He gasses him up to you, which makes him feel less nervous about asking you out. He wants to make a good impression. Besides, Sodapop helps ease your nerves too! The bridge that causes you both to meet.

° Steve is more physical. He likes to have a hand on you at all times. He isn't shy at all, but he tows the line of respect very well. Only gets more dirty if you're into that kinda thing lmaoo.

° He's the type to wink at you and shit lol. It's actually not embarrassing or cheesy at all. Sometimes you'll look up from across the room at a party and he's half listening to Soda while he's getting your drinks. You catch him looking at you with those pretty blue eyes and he just winks in a way that makes your heart throb. You have to look away. It only makes him approach you, whispering, "Whatchu hidin' those pretty eyes from me for?" right into your ear as he hands you your drink.

Tim Shepard:

° He fights Dallas for the presidential spot of the "I Like You So I'm Gonna Be Mean to You Club" lmaoo. However he has a lot of charm. His handsomeness also helps. He's a ladies man after all! Tim is swooned after by many women, but he's got his eyes set on you.

° Once again, physical touch and flirty comments galore! It's the one time Tim is the most talkative. He is adventurous, pulling you in tow. He's eager on the inside, but smooth and mysterious on the outside. Everything you say and do he notices, he just might not make it apparent.

° Really observant so he knows quite quickly how to get you into his good graces. It's like a gift he has. He also is the type to tease you a little mercilessly when you've done something cute or whatever. He can't help it. Any excuse to get you even a little embarrassed without outright humiliating you gets a kick out of him. He enjoys it when you smack him playfully on the arm when he's made a dirty joke, because you're relaxed.

° Tim is the type to walk or drive you home. It's sort of sweet, but he just says he's going in that direction anyway lol. He usually isn't. He's a protective boyfriend, and wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he let you run off on your own and you got jumped. He's adamant about it too, and when he can't, he gets someone he trusts from his gang to walk you home.

Two-bit Matthews:

° Two does what he does best, which is to make you laugh. He loves to see and hear you smile and laugh. Bonus points if you're crying and wheezing! He enjoys someone that can have easy banter with. So the more that you poke fun back at him, the more he's gonna be into you.

° He's such a dork with his cheesy pickup lines. He has no shame, people! Two has the corniest jokes and lines, they make you roll your eyes and shake your head. He's so much fun to be around, because one moment you could be talking, the next you're swing dancing like no tomorrow! Absolute chaotic spontaneity.

° Puts up the charm, loving how you keep up with him. He's witty and likes witty people too! Two enjoys your sense of humour - even if it's a little quirky. He can do quirky without any trouble, just be warned he's got a dirty mouth, especially when drunk. So dirty jokes are definitely on the menu.

° Physically affectionate to the point where he may not get that he's going a bit overboard. He's not out to make you uncomfortable, but being boozed up all the time and not taking things so seriously can get in the way. But nothing funny I promise. Besides, I think Two-bit just likes to be around you so much anyway.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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[strangertheories]

Oh blogger, the ableism is really *grits teeth* Robin literally talks about being unpopular and people are like 'no way she's hot and cool' and then the show makes it clear she's autistic and people literally exhibit the exact behavior that is why Robin's unpopular and start shitting on her for being 'weird' and 'annoying' and 'unhelpful'. And it breaks my heart because she's canonically aware (saying her mom constantly reminds her).

People saying she can't be unpopular are completely wrong. Robin is a socially awkward, gender non-conforming, anxious band nerd. High school bullies do not care if you're witty and hot if they feel likes they can be rude to you. Especially considering her autistic traits. High schoolers can always sniff out who to tease for some reason.

And I've spoken about this a lot but people saying she's weird and unhelpful and annoying make me so angry. I have re-watched the season a bunch of times and I still have no idea what she's done wrong. Sure she's anxious and chatty but Nancy was being a prick and she was clearly stressed out. We saw her become a lot less anxious around Nancy as the season went on too, which just shows that she was socially anxious around Nancy and now she is close to her (ronance rights) and doesn't feel stressed.

And people saying she's whiny or trying too hard to be quirky when she is displaying autistic traits are so annoying. The worst part is if you call them out on it they'll say she's not autistic but real life people with those traits who relate to her will see those comments and feel bad about themselves. Which is so shitty and annoying. I swear if she was a guy everyone would find it so attractive that she'd weird like with Eddie instead of saying she's trying to be different. I also think they'd think she was autistic because of her lines but it's dismissed as her being annoying.

Robin feels insecure about her lack of social filter and her mother gets annoyed at her for it, as you said. She says she knows it's a flaw and she's clearly not trying to act differently. And then people go on and shit on her for these traits. Robin isn't a real person but real people have these traits and feel insecure about them like her.

Thanks for the ask, I'm a bit ranty but I hope this made sense.

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[bit-of-a-timelord]

Is it abuse....

If he gas lights you then laughs because he was "just picking on you"

If he tells you your feelings about your relationship is wrong when they are based on how he acts toward you

If he tells you it's your fault that he is yelling at you

If he tells you "I didnt sign up to be with someone with autism" after you tell him that you don't want to be in a polyamorous relationship (the other woman is also on the spectrum. We didn't know my diagnosis until recently)

If he dismisses his bad behavior and says its caused by his PTSD but he has no problem treating other people kindly or with respect

If he gets upset or mad that he has to do anything to help out around the house knowing I have anxiety and stress because I try to do everything and be a listening and caring mommy

If he brings other people into our talks about our relationship just so he can have some one backing him up

If he thinks that touching me on my breasts, lady bits, and butt are acceptable even when I ask him to stop

If he gets mad and continues horrible behavior because I refuse sex

You see, when I got with him we didn't know I am on the spectrum. I was just "quirky". He was nice and did nice things. Then we started a family. In the span from summer of 2015 until winter of 2017 I had two kids with him.

Before the kids he would say and do such sweet things. He even asked me to marry him. "You are my only one"

Then August of 2018 he comes home and decides to drop a bomb on me that he has feelings for another woman. I asked if he wanted to break up. He said no. He wants to have two women.

I am high functioning Autistic. I am highly intelligent but very easily manipulated. I wanted to break up but he insisted on my staying and he would just not be polyamorous. Here is where it gets really shitty. I believed him

Then I noticed that he started treating g me differently. My mental health declined due to the way he had began acting like his life was miserable because I was making him choose to not be his true self.

Mind you, I was still very hormonal thanks to having two babies that close and breastfeeding as well as getting my period back for three first time in a long time.

He pressured me into having sex with one of his friends (female). I didnt really want to but I did it because I wanted to make him happy.

Later on, I was convinced by both of them that smoking weed would help my anxiety. They got me so high that I couldn't function. Then I was put into another sexual situation with both of them.

I told him once I was sober that I didn't want to do that and he said "Oh I didn't notice" which of course to me meant he was only interested in the sex bit not worried or concerned for me. I was silent and non-responsive in the sense that they were doing what they wanted and I couldn't possibly consent to it.

I told him I didnt want to see her anymore and she was no longer welcome in my house.

Later he pressured me to have sex with her on camera for money because we were broke.

He had quit his job because it gave him PTSD.

He moved our family across the country just to be near "friends" that had nothing in common with him just because he refused to be away from these people. They weren't great people either.

We decided to move back and on our way home he decided we were stopping in the state that this other woman he says he needs in his life happens to live there. He decided we were staying in a motel room with her overnight. Again, pressured and literally pushed (physically grabbed my head and pushed me into performing oral sex) with this woman... while my kids are asleep in the other bed in the room.

We get home and I am screamed and yelled at by his family that the medication I was put on for my anxiety wasn't helping me so I was forced off of it.

Now I am refusing to take anyone's shit and told him it's me and only me or we are done. He said no and I have to wait until I'm done with my withdrawal to see if I am going to be the old me again before he gives me an answer.

By him telling me "No" I feel like he is going to try to take my kids away from me because I don't want to be under his control anymore.

So...

Is it abuse?

[stillsolo]

for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.  

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather.  my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope.  I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad.  Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.  

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em. 

 wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here.  rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better.  how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon.  it’s supposed to be a fade.  it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for. 

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times?  I have a couple of forms.  I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am.  It was 11pm when she asked.  

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing.  I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao  ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just. 

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'.  I've been called that all my life.  In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'.   It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky.  and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.  

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies.  It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare.  8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'?  ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ  )

Oh, yeah, for sure.  Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO.  No one in their right mind would do this.  They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress.      Nobody.  Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason?  JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han.  I want Han to be seen in the best light possible.  while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate.  and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.  

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English.  I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand.  English isn't my first language.  In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.  

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it. 

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.  

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good. 

And icons — haha.  I love icons.  I love and hate making them.  similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons.  ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.  

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it.  ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ).  like these here?  10 versions of each, in the least. 

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think.  I made that one well over 25 times, for sure.  but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. ) 

Wow, this really turned into a long post.  I don't really care, though.  My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL.  Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends.  I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game.  Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why?  What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me.  It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats. 

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to.  This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters.  Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold. 

In reality, I never had much of choice.  Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful 

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ I'm Cool As Fuck  (part 40)

A/N this chapter barely has anything to do with 5sos lmao. Just a heads up for the next chapter, it will be confusing but hopefully not too confusing, I’m warning you now.

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: language and the tiniest piece of smut

***

I’ve been really busy these part few weeks, with saying goodbyes, moving, setting things up, buying new stuff for my flat, basically just moving. It’s been pretty stressful but at the same time really fun. So far I’ve loved every minute of this all, I’m a pretty independent person when it comes to family, especially since my brothers moved out, usually staying in my room and keeping myself to myself, so to live by myself has been really nice.

I’ve pretty much set everything up, I just need some bits and bobs. I took everything I need with me in my suitcase, the rest I had my parents send out to me. The flat came fully furnished, of course I got a few pieces of furniture myself, but I mainly just needed home stuff.

If you couldn’t tell, I got the flat and I’m very happy about it. My brothers and Evie came over to help me buy and set up the few stuff I got. I’m telling you now, IKEA instructions are useless. We all sat on the floor trying to figure out what goes where. Evie ended up just laying on the sofa, we all joined her shortly. After a couple of hours, we worked out how it works and moved everything to where I wanted it. I couldn’t be anymore happier with it, I love it.

One thing I dearly miss from home is my studio, I don’t have anything with me right now, nor anywhere to put everything if I had at least some instruments. It’s annoying because I’ve had loads of lyrics pop up in my head, but haven’t been able to put them into anything. I’ve only just written them down, it kinda makes me sad. Music has always been my escape from everything, so to not have anything is really quite hard. I just end up listening to music if everything gets a bit too much.

I haven’t needed to run away from anything, only when I got here becuase I missed Luke and the guys. I’ve been really happy with my life recently, although being away from the people I love, I’m a lot happier than I thought I’d be. I thought it would take me weeks, possibly months to get over it all, but no, I’m excited for this new chapter in my life. I may not have my soulmates with me but they are living happily in their lives.

We have talked quite a bit, no where near as much as we used to but it’s more than I expected.

I’m really happy with my life right now, of course I want my friends and boyfriend by my side but as opposed to not having them by my side all the time, I’m coping really well.

Right now I’m just talking to Luke, via text.

Luke: you make me really happy, also horny but that’s not the point.

Me: are you trying to say something?

Luke: maybe

Me: did you come off stage with an boner again?

Luke: yes. I can’t help it! The song reminded me of you and then my thoughts procrastinated into other things.

Me: oh poor sexually frustrated Luke

Luke: this isn’t funny, Harper! I’m sitting in Michael’s dressing room with a huge erection, I need help

Me: why can’t you do it yourself? and why are you in his dressing room?

Luke: because you’re my girlfriend. It would feel weird if I looked up stuff. We all went in here, it will look suspicious if I went to my own dressing room.

Me: maybe I don’t wanna help you out

Luke: you better get ready for the long ass night you’re in for when I get home

Me: ooooooh, getting dominant here are we?

Luke: Harper, please do something :(

Me: give me a minute

Luke: fuck

I laugh at my phone before going into my lone bedroom. Changing into my most sexy jet black underwear and then going to my wardrobe to grab Luke’s flannel, knowing he will recognise it. I stole this from him before he left, I needed a few items of his that reminds me of him. I took a few of his shirts and a couple of flannels. To make up for it, I slipped a load of notes in his luggage, just things that will make his day a little, for example have a great day or love you to the moon and back. Just to name a few.

Slipping on the flannel and then kneeling infront of my mirror, like the pose Halsey does in Hold Me Down but just still. Taking a few pictures, before I put my clothes back on and send them to Luke.

Luke: oh, baby girl

Me: don’t leak anything because you aren’t exactly tecsavy.

Luke: that’s really not something I’m thinking about right how.

Me: just go do your business then come back to me

Throwing my phone onto my bed and then making my way into the shared kitchen.

“Oh hello.” I smile as I notice someone is in here.

“Hey, you are?” The girl with blue streaks in her hair asks.

“I’m Harper, I moved in a couple of weeks ago.” I inform her.

“Oh, right. I’m Tori by the way. I’m number 39.” She grins.

“I’m number 37, the one with the squeaky door.” I chuckle.

“That’s you?” She laughs. “Are you here for university or just live here?”

“I’m here for university. How long have you been here?” I ask.

“A couple of years. I’m in my final year of uni. I love drawing, painting, graffiti, anything art related really. What are you studying?” She questions.

“That’s really cool. I’m studying philosophy.” I answer.

“Where do come from, you’ve got a slight accent.” She notices.

“Oh, I come from England, but live in Australia.” I explain.

“Right. I lived in Germany for a year when I was 18.” Tori says.

“I went there with my best friend at Christmas time once. It was really pretty.” I say.

“Is your best friend here or in Australia?” She asks.

“He is on tour right now, with my other friends.” I explain.

“Tour?” She furrows her eyebrows.

“Yeah, he is in a band, 5 Seconds Of Summer, ever heard of them?”

“I think I’ve heard of them but never listened to them.” She shrugs.

“Their pretty cool, anyway I came in here to make some lunch.” I chuckle and take my stuff out of the fridge.

“There’s actually a party going on at one of the boy’s flats, down by the university. Would you wanna join me?” She offers.

“It’s not really my thing.” I sheepishly say.

“It would be great to meet everyone.” She reasons.

“Sure, what the hell, this isn’t high school anymore.” I shrug.

“Damn right. So it starts at like 9, but we’ll probably go around half nine.” She explains.

“Please don’t let me get shitfaced, last time I did, I ended up getting a tattoo of my boyfriend’s name.” I beg and show her Luke’s name.

“Isnt he the one in the band, that’s also your best friend?” She furrows her eyebrows.

“He is my best friend as well as my boyfriend. We grew up together, our parents are friends.” I tell her.

“Oh, right.” She nods. “I’ll leave you to make your lunch, I’ll come knock on your door when we should start getting ready.” She smiles.

“Okay, thanks for the invite, I’ll see you later.” I wave.

She walks out the kitchen and I smile to myself, before putting my pasta on to boil.

I lean against the counter top and begin to type in the group chat. “Holy shit!” I yell slightly as a cat comes slyly walks in.

“ROGER!” Someone calls.

I hold my phone to my chest, as I wait for them to come. I miss my cat Bess, so to satisfy my cat cravings, I sit cross legged on the tiled floor. The cat comes right up to me and rubs itself against me.

“Awe, who do you belong to?” I ask.

I thought we weren’t allowed to have pets in this place.

“ROGER?” The same voice calls, this time a lot closer. “Oh, there you are, I can’t lose you in the first week of having you.” A girl with red dyed hair walks in.

“Um, a couple of questions,” I start off, “firstly, cute cat, secondly cool hair, thirdly I thought we weren’t allowed animals in this building.”

“Thank you,” she smiles. “She’s a shared cat between everyone in this hall.”

“She?” I question.

“Her name is Roger, yeah. I mean, how many people name their cat Roger, let alone their female cat.” She explains.

“Right,” I nod my head. “How long have you guys had uhm, Roger?” I ask.

“Two years. She is very friendly, as you can see. Everyone loves her. She’s kinda part of the whole community. If you didn’t guess already, the landlord is a bit quirky. Each floor has one, most of them are abandoned/rescued or the one noone wanted, so he decided to give them each a home. Here we are a few years later. Everyone has their turn of taking care of him/her, I just started taking care of him and I have him till the end of the month.” She explains. “Oh and she can be out in the halls, but needs to be supervised. She is allowed in other people’s rooms, but in my room when he needs feeding and stuff.”

“That’s really cool. Which floor has the youngest?” I question.

“Apparently the top floor, the one above us, got a new one last month. He is still a kitten.” She says. “I’m Izzy by the way.”

“Harper.” I shake her hand.

“You’re the person that just moved in right?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’m surprised I haven’t really met anyone yet, I just met Tori.” I tell her.

“She’s really nice, total babe.” She laughs. “I’m gay by the way.”

“My friend from back home is gay too, unfortunately she’s take, so I can’t play matchmaker.” I sigh.

“If they break up hit me up,” she jokes and I laugh.

“Will do.”

“Thanks.” She winks. “So, are you going to the party tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m going with Tori.” I smile. “Are you going?”

“Of course. I’d never miss an oppertunity to regret my decisions.” She exclaims.

“You should come with us.” I offer.

“Really?” She asks.

“Unless you’ve got other plans…” I trail off.

“No,” she shakes her head, “well, guess I’ll see guys later.” She smiles and begins to walk off.

“Cat, Izzy.” I remind her with a sigh.

“Fuck.”

***

It’s nearly time to go, I’m just finishing off my make up. I’ve dressed in a tight fitting black dress, with some ankle boots. I haven’t dressed up like this in ages, it’s actually really nice, I mean, I wouldn’t want to dress like this everyday but I feel very confident in myself.

“I’m a YouTuber, my friend Erika and I run it.” I explain.

“Really? How have I been so isolated about all this? How long have you been doing it?” Tori asks.

“3 or 4 years, I think.” I answer as I lean forward into the mirror to do my mascara.

“What are you guys called?” Izzy questions.

“Just Erika and Harper.” I shrug and put on some red lipstick.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you guys have 1 million subscribers?” Tori exclaims.

“Yeah,” I sheepishly say, “well 1 and three quarters.”

I run my hand through my loosely curled hair. I should really get my hair cut again, it’s really quite long, just under my boob.

“Nearly 2 million.” Tori breathes.

“Nearly,”

Standing up and smoothing out my dress, before going to get my phone, for the vital picture before going out.

We’ve gotten to know each other quite well over these past few hours. Izzy is a real free spirit, kinda hippy but not, she’s also really out there fashion wise. Tonight she is wearing a denim flared jump suit, which have tiny hand sewn flowers on it, with some see through heels. It looks pretty cool actually and really suits her. I’ve only spent a few hours with her, yet she is so different to everyone I’ve ever met. She’s kinda like Pheobe from Friends.

Tori is cool too. She’s very different from Izzy but they get along really well. They’ve been friends, but never really gotten to know each other. Tori is your basic white girl, but not the annoying kind; you know the ones I’m talking about? She’s really funny and is fun, she’s the kinda person that’ll call you up, and ask you to go for some ice cream or something.

In the short time I’ve known them, I already love them to pieces. I feel as if they are gonna be some good friends for the next few years and a lot of memories are gonna be made.

“Yes! Work it! Get that picture! Just like that! Yes! Get it! Oooo! Work it! Girl!” Tori says as I take the pictures, causing us all to laugh.

“I’m gonna post this to my account, so a lot of people will see this. Is that okay with you guys?” I ask for consent.

“It’s fine with me.” Izzy shrugs.

“Yeah, same.” Tori nods.

I post them on all my social media platforms with the caption: What should our squad be called?

In the span of five minutes, my phone blows up with notifacations.

Dicks and Chicks

Michael: you’re replacing us already?

Erika: dude, we were supposed to be together forever!

Ashton: who is the girl on the right?

Calum: you all look hot to be fucking honest

Luke: dude! That’s my girlfriend.

Calum: I’m so scared

Me: jeez, calm down guys! I knew you all loved me. You hardly expect me to just be left alone for three years…

Maddie: no on likes you Harper.

Me: shut the fuck up, Maddie. I have more friends than you.

Luke: where are you going anyway?

Me: we’re going to a party

Luke: nooooo, I’m not there to protect you :(

Me: I’ll be fine. Oh and Ashton, that’s Izzy, she’s gay

Maddie: oooooo, that’s my territory

Erika: ahem

Maddie: soz babe :/

Luke: be careful out there, remember that you have a boyfriend

Me: how could I forget Calum?

Calum: 😏😏

Luke: fuck you

Me: no, Calum does that

Calum: damn right

Michael: trouble in paradise…

Ashton: leave my boyfriend alone, Harper. Cashton 4 lyfe

Me: maybe I should replace you guys.

Laughing at my phone and then stuffing it in my bra. “Whats so funny?” Izzy questions.

“Um, my friends back home. We have a group chat and we are just messing around.” I answer. “Pre drinks?” I offer.

“Party time!” Tori cheers.

“God, yes.” Izzy sighs and we make our way to the kitchen.

Tori grabs three shot glasses, whilst Izzy mix up a drink, and I just sit on the counter top, calling up an Uber.

“To a great night!” We all say in unison, bringing up our glances and then downing them, cringing at the sour taste.

“Holy shit.” We all mutter.

“Pretty sure this just pure vodka, Izzy.” I claim. “Kinda nice,” I shrug as the taste lingers in my mouth.

We do another round and eat some stodgy food, before getting into our Uber.

***

We’ve been at the party for around an hour now. I’m really enjoying it so far, I’m just pressed against a walls, observing everybody. Some people are absoloutly smashed, a few people are off their face on drugs, and a lot of people are just chilling out in their own little groups of friends. Tori and Izzy have left me to go pee and get a new drink.

I’m okay on my own though, just sipping on my bottle of beer. I’m a little tipsy, I’m no where near drunk and I don’t plan on being either.

“Hi, I’m Blake.” Someone introduces themselves and he leans on the wall with his shoulder.

I look to my left and see a boy with blonde hair, in a quiff and outstanding bright blue eyes.

When I first came in, Tori and Izzy warned me about this whole group of people, especially Blake.

“I’m Harper,” I nod.

“So you’re famous?” He blurts out.

“Um, no.” I say and take a sip of my drink.

“Then why did someone come up for a picture with you half an hour ago?” He questions.

“Because I’m cool as fuck, why wouldn’t you want a picture with me?” I state.

“Is that so?” He asks and I nod. “So this isn’t you with Luke Hemmings?” He questions and pulls out his phone with a picture of Luke and I. We’re just on Michael’s sofa, laughing together.

“Nope.” I tell him and take a swig of my drink.

“You wouldn’t happen to be… dating him would you?” He questions with a smirk. “No.” I shake my head.

“So this isn’t you here, here, oh and here?” He asks and pulls up a photo of Luke and I holding hands, then me and him looking at each other with loving eyes, the last one is of Luke and I making out on the night of my birthday.

“What do you even want?” I question.

“I’m not quite sure yet, but you seem interesting.” He muses and rests an arm on my shoulder.

“You know, I’m not an object. I may not confess on who I’m dating, but I do have a boyfriend. So if you could get your fuck boy-ness away from me, that’d be great.” I tell him.

“And this is what I like about you.” He claims.

“You don’t know me.” I laugh.

“But I’d like to, firstly you seem pretty cool, I’ve been observing you this whole time you’ve been here, same as you have, secondly you’re really hot.” He explains.

“Am I supposed to fall in love with you, because under all this fuck boy you’ve got a heart of gold, and nobody really sees who you really are?” I questions with a grimace.

“If you want.” He shrugs.

“You’re really annoying. This type of stuff happens in America, not England- wait, no, this stuff happens in movies.” I whine.

“You’ve got a bit of Aussie in you, I hear.” He says.

“I grew up in Aus, then moved over here when I was seven, moved back when I was thirteen, spent the rest of my teen years there, this is the first time I’ve lived here for a while.” I explain with a bored expression.

“Can we take a picture together?” He asks.

“Why?” I question.

“Because you’re cool as fuck.” He quotes.

“Don’t use my words against me.” I laugh. “Fine, we’ll take one picture, because I’m cool as fuck.”

“Wasn’t that hard was it?” He mutters and takes his phone out of his pocket,

He holds his phone in front of us and we both smile into the camera.

“Luke is gonna be mad, when he finds this.” I mutter with a chuckle.

[beaniebaneenie]

I'm just gonna say it:

I don't give a shit what Shitty's real name is.

It has absolutely no relation to any of the half a dozen lingering plot threads, any of the on-again, off-again conflicts, the homophobia-that-is-only-present-when-it's-convenient-for-plot-reasons, or even Bitty's fucking thesis.

It's not a cool fact about one of the POC characters, or one of the female characters (we don't have any nonbinary characters or disabled characters or not-conventionally-attractive characters to give facts about, so that point is moot). Just another throwaway detail about another cishet rich white guy who hasn't been a main character for a year and a half of the comic.

Not knowing Shitty's real name is part of who he is. It's one of the very few things that make him stand out as a cishet rich white guy- he has this Thing where you don't know his actual name. It's a little mystique- it's fun. It's quirky.

And, speaking of in-verse logic? Shitty wouldn't *want* you to know his real name. There's a reason he doesn't use it. We don't have to know what the reason is, because (see above point) IT HAS NO BEARING ON THE PLOT OR STORY WHATSOEVER.

I really, really don't give a shit.

It's a totally meaningless throwaway carrot-on-a-stick, frosting-without-a-cupcake.

I want the plot back. I want to know how Bitty is handling being the first out NCAA captain when he can still apparently barely take a check, even though he's playing first line on a D1 team, and how that stress is affecting him (and his relationship). I want to know how his thesis is coming, because he is supposed to be at Samwell to get an education, not an MRS degree, and I'd love for him to be able to have something to fall back on if being a WAG doesn't work out.

I want to know why Coach is there without Suzanne. I want Bitty to address his father's casual racist microaggressions (because even if Coach is trying, and it does look like he is genuinely trying to connect here, you can still be racist when you don't mean to be).

I also want Bitty to start unlearning his own shit- because he hasn't grown as much as he thinks he has. He claims he's gotten so much more self-confidence, but he still has a pretty serious hangup on equating "People Eating My Food" = "People Love Me", and that's a problem. Especially seen in his total disregard and disrespect (that's right, I said it) for Whiskey's boundaries. Newsflash, Bitty: Whiskey has told you very plainly why your behavior bothers him, and instead of backing off, you doubled down. I'd be pretty upset too.

I want to see Bitty get called out for outing Whiskey to Jack.

Because that's what happened. And it was 5000% not okay, and Bitty had absolutely no right to do it.

I do want to see Kent show up again, but not if it's just to have Kent be the only one who apologizes and takes total blame for everything that went down. You will never hear me say that Kent didn't say some shit at Epikegster he shouldn't have, because he did. But who among us can truly say they have never *ever* said some mean shit, especially when we were hurting and angry? I know I have.

I want to see apologies from both Kent *and* Jack. Because before he started fucking Bitty, Jack said, "we both owe each other a lot of apologies." (After he started fucking Bitty, it changed to, "we hooked up a couple times and he never got over it." And that friends, is called Revisionist History To Make Me Look Better Than My Ex To My Current Boyfriend.)

Anyway, this got long. But yeah, I don't give a shit about Shitty's name. Because ultimately, focusing on Shitty's name instead of anything that could make this story as meaningful as it was (and could be again!) is a huge metaphor for the way the entire quality of the comic & story as a whole have completely tanked, and I'm just so *tired*.

look i’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. we’re all sleeping on Barrington as shitty’s name. 

is this a raven cycle reference? ofc it is. 

doesn’t mean i’m not right.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i feel like tripping around people/environment i'm not completely familiar with will be extremely good for me because it's a big step out of me experiencing and accepting the fact i can't always control how things are perceived and that's perfectly fine. i still think people worry way too much about how perceive them where it's ultimately pointless to even worry or any less stress in a sense to get anxious about it. but if you don't like something of yourself than change that shit!!! or accept that shit idk, it's interesting really liking myself which comes to conclusion. i like the ginger dude, i enjoy his presence and his fucking grin and his hair god, but i also like dude from jimmy johns because he has all these quirky interests and he has such nice hair and he be roasting tf out of me on a daily and i lowkey fuck with it and he just keeps shit real and may or may not find me utterly fucking insane and that in itself is ok and i can just automatically be myself around him and i haven't felt that since i've first started hanging w chris and it's not feeling and that's how i know me and monogamy do not go because i can't even sit here and say i would only wanna be with the ginger dude when there's nice dudes like jimmy johns dude and i can't say id want to choose whichever and it just boils down to that. im also learning about communicating with others has improved tbh, perception has opened my eyes with how i communicate with people to the point where i don't even care that heavily actually. and i've accepted my weirdness and my funny habits, my constant contradictions and selfish yet selfless habits. and it's all just super interesting and i think trip will be good for me. experience and grow as they say.