#i also had this weird ass fever dream where a guy who claimed to be grimes' boyfriend showed up in my kitchen and we just started fucking?

[cockmancers]

got sick for the first time in 4 years, i can't believe my streak was broken wtf

[trickstercheebs]

fuck we have to CHOOSe one? Uuuuh "✿: feeling so out of it, they need constant attention" AGP sick Gordon and the team? and/or "+: being led back to bed with patient whispers" but they dont have bodies yet, just worry

YOU GOT IT! here we go

He had walked back in and half the team knew something was wrong. He looked flushed as hell despite it being 70 degrees outside..Half the time they tried talking to him he had to be called to attention multiple times, clearly something was wrong.

“Gordon..? Gordon are you okay? What’s wrong you never act like this....hello?”

Tommy was the first to try and get Gordon to explain what was going on, he brushed them off weakly saying he just felt a little light headed...But the way he talked sounded like he barely heard Tommy talking.

Coomer tried next, knowing his usual greeting always got a response, his normal smile fell when Gordon didn’t fully respond for several minutes, even Bubby had finally dropped the snark in favor of seeing what the hell was going on with their Gordon.

“Hey, hey what the fuck is actually going on Gordon...You’ve never acted like this before, are you dying on us or something? You fucking better not or else I’m going to fucking come out there...okay? Just...just dont fucking die on us for real Gordon.”

Gordon by now had slumped back into his chair watching the AI’s frantically figure out what’s wrong, the strongest of them now cracking with worry when their usual antics and nonsense got....nothing back.

“Guys....guys I’m not gonna die okay..? I’m...just a lil sick is all, just a lil fever nothing to worry about. “

“Bullshit bro, that...that doesnt look like a normal fever...Gordon you need to get into bed. Shit’s not good to just stay in the chair for...”

Benry had finally shown his own worry after watching Gordon just....sit there unmoving and staring off into space for a half hour, it wasn’t fun to watch him do that knowing he’s delirious and shit.

“Ben...ry? Shit since when did you become a mother hen..? heheh..I must be out of it then if I have you freaking out at me..”

The others were trying to figure out what to do, how to get Gordon to get better or at least fucking sleep..The fact they lacked bodies made this all entirely and unnecessarily harder to do. Tommy and Coomer combed over wikipedia and any health web pages on how to best combat a cold. Bubby kept on trying to berate and convince Gordon to go to sleep and rest with little to no success.

Benry though was wanting to try some other methods. If Gordon was this fucking out of it...maybe he could try the only method he had available left. 

Giving a quick word to the others on what the fuck was about to go down and getting the “Go ahead we have no fucking other ways.” he slipped into Gordons phone and tested the waters of Gordons mind.

Like Tommy and Coomer, Benry sometimes delved into the deep oceans of knowledge that Wikipedia offered, mostly on some stupid meme shit.. But as of late he had delved into the science of the mind and sleep. Mostly to figure out how he could slip into Gordons mind at night..and maybe how the whole subconscious worked.

He found nothing but stupid ass jargon but some of the things he learned were interesting...Like that at certain stages of delirium and sleep deprivation, the mind enters a sleep like state...or as close to it as possible. 

Benry smiled to himself as he felt himself slide into Gordons mind with practiced ease. The others wouldn’t know what was going on on this side of things...But if it worked like he hoped Gordon would be fine and in bed soon.

“Gordon...hey dumbass look at me for a second.. C’mon sleepy head, lil baby needs to be put down for a nap.”

“B....Benry? Issat you?”

“Yeah? C’mon I need you to get up, take the headphones off bro.”

Gordon blinked owlishly up at the guard now standing above him smiling softly...When did he get here? Was he always here...?

“When’d you get out here dude? ...what the shit’s going on?”

“Don’t worry about it bro, c’mon get up outta the chair, bed’s alot better for baby time naps. I’ll join you even if you want Gordon....”

“...that sounds....actually kinda nice..? alright.”

Benry sighed softly in relief as Gordon pushed himself out of the chair at last, hearing the muted cheers from the rest of the science team as he stumbled towards the bed nearby.

Gordon all but collapsed onto the edge of said bed, and with some more prompting by Benry shuffled under the covers to sleep like a decent human being. Benry himself couldnt do much aside from mime sitting on the edge of the bed and talk to him until sleep finally claimed Gordon at long last a hour later.

The rest of the science team went about their day, checking up on Gordon via phone to see if he was still asleep or feeling at all better.. They didn’t entirely understand where Benry went, Coomer had one idea but that was something to discuss in private with Benry himself.

As for Benry, he stayed hidden in Gordon’s hazy fever dreams to keep him company. With the fever affecting him it made things ten times stranger....Not that he minded, he could gently shift things away from nightmarish topics and have a bit of fun with Gordon, who did not seem to know or mind whatever the hell was going on.

Of course he also indulged in some nonsense of his own at Gordon’s expense, he accompanied him on his feverish adventures and played along with whatever logic Gordon’s brain supplied... and of course using the cover of dreams to kiss and cuddle whenever possible with the poor man.

Several hours later, Benry slipped back into the computer to say Gordon had gone into a dreamless deeper sleep..But now all they had to do was wait and hope in the morning things would be better.

Morning came and went, and later into the afternoon Gordon finally managed to pull himself from sleeps loving embrace with a coughing yawn.

“Gordon?? Gordon you’re alive! Good morning!”

“Hello...Tommy? Tommy what time is it...? Where’s my phone at...”

Fumbling about with a slow groan he dug his phone out of the blanket nest he made in his sleep...When the hell did he get here? Christ he barely remembered yesterday even...it was four in the afternoon...Wow he was out cold for almost a full day.

“Holy fuck I must of been deadass...Sorry guys, I felt like utter shit yesterday, didn’t mean to scare you all if I did, I barely remember being conscious at all.”

“That’s all well and fine Gordon, but you must learn to take better care of yourself! You had us worried it was something much more dire.”

“Sorry Dr. Coomer...and you’re right I should take better care of myself from now on..I had some fucking weird dreams though..”

“Like what Gordon?”

“Well....”

He shifted in bed to get more comfortable, he still felt bad but...least he could talk to the others semi normally now. The dreams he had were strange as hell come to think of it, most of them he couldnt remember for shit aside from a handful.

“I could of sworn at some point Benry was yelling at me to get into bed and stop doing stupid shit...”

“Bro that wasn’t a dream I was yelling at you to take a lil baby nap for like...two hours. You’re a stubborn lil man.”

“No I mean...I mean like actually yelling at me, like face to face physically..”

“Wow bro, you dreamin me up out there with you? Shit sounds gay, if I was really there I’d just throw you into bed instead of just yelling.”

“Dude shut up..I guess I was probably hallucinating while you were all telling me to sleep..”

“That sounds about right, you were very very delirious all day Gordon. I’m glad to see you’re doing a bit better now.”

“Me too Dr. Coomer..I guess I should get some cold medicine now huh?”

“If you fucking dont im blowing your entire savings right here and now.”

“Alright alright jesus Bubby...I’m glad I have all of you to worry over me hahah”

Gordon laughed softly as he finally got out of bed to find his cold meds and get started on getting rid of this cold.

[living-dead-parker]

12 Days of Christmas; Mistletoe - P.P

Summary: Day 6 - Y/N gets hurt and Sam both saves and ruins the day through mistletoe. 

Warnings: Cussing, some slight violence, and Justin Bieber.

Shidanke = shit (i use it to censor myself in front of kids tbh)

Word Count: 1.7k

series masterlist | masterlist

"It's the most beautiful time of the year," you sing through the tears. Something about the song really gets you. That or maybe the fact that you just got fucking decked in the face probably prompted the tears. "Lights fill the streets, spreading so much cheer, I should be playing in the winter snow-"

"But I'm a be under the mistletoe!" Peter completes the lyric, causing you to giggle. He smiles at you, seeing you cracking a smile.

The day had begun like a normal one, waking up and being handed Morgan while Pepper and Tony ran some errands. You didn't mind this, as you like spending time with your little sister and they would be done in no time. Which they were, however, Morgan began to run a fever and your parents decided they would go into Protective Parent Mode (PPM) to take care of Morgan. That meant when duty called, Iron Man was nowhere in sight, but his understudy, Iron Y/N came out to help the Avengers. Yeah the name is stupid but no one really bothered to come up with a new name, so you all just ran with it. You're in too deep at this point that a name change is just off brand.

Peter, Sam, and Bucky had been summoned along with you, just the four of you as it was a simple bank robbery. ‘Simple my ass’ you thought. There were ten really buff guys, which was just so damn extra. They put up a good fight and at the end, you had gotten them all. Or so you thought.

In reality, the final one managed to escape once you had your armor off and just went for it, straight up decking you on the left cheek. Peter dropped the person he was helping up and ran over to you, leaving Sam to help the person up and apologize on behalf of Peter. The robber didn't care that you were tiny compared to him, his muscles bigger than your head. The force took you by storm, causing you to lose your balance and fall to the floor with a heavy thud. The adrenaline made you feel nothing at the moment as you suited up again and shot the guy with one of the repulsors, sending him flying across the room. The adrenaline remained for a few minutes but as soon as you crashed on the couch in the living room, you felt all the pain.

"Fudge bag!" you exclaim, censoring yourself in front of Morgan. "Shidanke, mother fluffer, son of a biscuit eating bulldog!" you yell at the pain really hits you, earning weird looks from everybody. You move down on the couch, your back on the seat of the couch as you let out a high-pitched squeal.

"Y/N, what happened?" Tony asks as he notices you clutch your left cheek. Peter leans forward, grabbing your free hand and helping you up. But you don't budge. Not that you need to, he just pulls you up and you're on his lap.

"One of the asshole robbers punched me, square on the face and he was gigantic and it hurts now. That stupid toaster, ugly burnt potato, bald-headed granny looking ass douche!" you rant, causing some of the Avengers in the living room to laugh.

"Oh sweetie, want to see Dr. Cho?" Tony asks as he stands up. You shake your head, flailing your arms as if you're throwing a fit.

"No, it's dumb. I mean, I could've died but whatever," you told the group.

Now, you sit in the middle of the living room on the coffee table as Dr. Cho checks up on you. Peter is standing next to you, holding your hand tight. Dr. Cho just tells you to hold an ice bag to your cheek and to take some Asprin. With a sigh, you watch as she walks away and giggles at something Pepper says.

"Give me drugs."

"Y/N, no," Peter says. You roll your eyes and take the bottle of Asprin from his hands, taking one capsule out and downing it with water. "You've changed, I don't even know you anymore!" Peter whines.

"Peter, this is where I die- what the fuck is this Sam?" you ask as you see Sam standing behind you and Peter, holding something above your head.

"You were getting annoying and I found this thing in some old decorations, so Peter please shut her up," Sam pleads, holding the piece of mistletoe above your heads. Peter chuckles, leaning forward and capturing your lips in his. His lips were sort of chapped but nothing too bad. The way his lips fit with yours felt perfect and you almost didn't wanna pull away. However, the sound of your father pretending to gag made the two of you split up, cheeks burning from embarrassment.

"You seem to be feeling much better for someone who was just punched by death itself." your father says. You giggle in response, nuzzling the side of your face that doesn't hurt into Peter's chest.

Soon after Sam's discovery of the mistletoe lead to the mistletoe war. It started off innocent, Tony taking the mistletoe from Sam and holding it above himself and Pepper. From there, Peter stole the mistletoe and held it above May and Happy's heads, though he got more than what he wanted. Nat took the mistletoe and held it over Steve and Bucky, expecting some homoerotic type of stuff to happen, but Steve just pressed a chaste peck on Bucky's cheek and walked away to go about his business. The worst of it all was Morgan. Everybody was tactical about it, putting the mistletoe over everybody who made sense. Morgan, on the other hand, held it above anybody and everybody's heads. This resulted in Pepper, May, and Steve getting caught in a three-person kiss, where they just gave each other kisses on the cheek. Tony wound up giving Peter a Hershey's kiss, and you got caught having to give not only Bucky but Wanda kisses as well. It was all in good fun at first, but Morgan wound up getting carried away with it.

"Morgan, sweetie. I beg of you," Tony pleads. You don't see what's going on, but the sounds of her sinister giggles fill your head and answer the dreaded question. You hear Natasha scream, go quiet for a second, and start screaming again. When Tony rounds the corner, he has a big smooch mark on his cheek. When Nat rounds the corner, you see her lips painted the same color as the smooch mark on your father's cheek. She holds a glare, upset she had to kiss the grown man who annoys her to her core.

Once Morgan catches sight of you and Peter, she runs towards you with a big creepy grin on her face. At this point, the child is just being a little creep, wanting to watch everybody kiss. When she approaches you, Peter is quick to grab her and hold her hand that holds the mistletoe out towards you. She giggles as you take the piece of mistletoe out of her hands, holding it away from her.

"You've had your fun, Morgan. Making Bucky and May kiss, of all people. We gotta cut you off kiddo," you tell the girl. She moves from Peter's grip, into your lap and wraps her tiny arms around you, causing you to melt inside. You hold the mistletoe above both your heads, leaving a kiss on her cheek. She squirms in your grip, rubbing her cheek with her hand as she claims that it was disgusting.

"Skedaddle, kid. Before I kiss you again!" you jokingly threaten, resulting in the girl jumping up and running away the quickest you've ever seen. The rest of the day seemed to go by in a breeze once the Mistletoe Reign of Terror was over with. However, as night approached, there was a whole nother wave of Mistletoe Reign of Terror that plagues the tower.

It started with you and Peter humming the lyrics to Justin Bieber's Mistletoe, having gotten it stuck in your head earlier that day. Peter was the next victim, soon the song would spread like a virus within the tower. It always does.

After Peter was Morgan, the one who made the song really spread. Morgan has a mind of her own, obviously. Because her father is Tony Stark, she also has thoughts that plague her mind, very philosophical thoughts that need to be heard and answered. So like any good journalist, she goes out and gets answers to the heavy hitting questions. The ones that matter. This usually means Morgan will wander throughout the tower and talks to anybody about anything. One time, she trapped Bucky into a three-hour conversation about what dreams mean, and why her dream about chicken nuggets was a plea for escaping the impending arrival of adulthood.

Morgan has a mind of her own.

With that, the three of you walk around singing the song, when suddenly May joins in. "I don't wanna miss out on the holiday, but I can't stop staring at your face!" the four of you scream, though Morgan's comes out in a more jumbled mess than anything.

The four of you sit down in the middle couch in the living room, playing the music on the main screen. The speakers are loud and everybody in the kitchen and in the restroom can hear the music. Steve comes out, groaning at the song, but once the song nears its end, he gets sucked in.

"With you, shawty with you! Under the mistletoe!" the five of you scream, making Steve sit down as well to watch the video play for the second time. The next ones to get sucked in are Nat and Wanda.

"I should be playing in the winter snow, but I'ma be under the mistletoe," the seven of you sing dramatically. After them joined Bucky, followed by Sam and Happy. At the end of it, Pepper and Tony came out singing the song too.

"Aye girl," you all scream "The wise men follow the star, the way I follow my heart and it lead me to a miracle!" you all continue, dramatic as possible. At the end of it all, the Avengers were all screaming Justin Bieber lyrics because of a four-year-old.

Please leave requests/asks. Also, please leave feedback or come talk to me about anything!!

Taglist (let me know if you want to be added/removed): @bookgirlunicorn @bands-and-shietz

[dailyarturia]

I apologize for bothering you for your objective opinion so much, my king, but once again I need your objective opinion. This time I need your objective opinion on the Berserkers. I'm severely concerned that I have shit taste in Berserkers, and I know that unlike me you are definitely a man of culture.

very large. back from ye olde days where berserkers generally couldn’t actually communicate so unfortunately a bit lacking in complex characterisation compared to others. lovin the whole ‘made to kill his own children in rage which is what qualifies him as berserker in the first place and now gives his all to keep this singular parentless child safe despite supposedly being made into a mindless raging beast’ thing. 8/10

bucket knight. also an old school zerker who can’t talk outside kariya’s fever dreams but he does scream in french sometimes. an overly loyal knight who nonetheless put his own wishes above what he believed were his king’s once and then spent the rest of his life feeling guilty about it to the point where it straight up drove him crazy because he couldn’t understand that arturia has -15 consideration of her own wants. his kink is getting shamed and he would probably get a heart attack if arturia did that hands on her hips disappointed look pose in his general vicinity. 8/10

get OUT of my HOUSE. ugly and horrifying but could totally beat gilgamesh in a fight and the image of ol gregory getting his nuts kicked in by a metal underpants enthusiast is high quality content so he gets points for that. 3/10

this is what we in the scientific community call a daughter. a good girl who just wants to be loved but has severe trust issues after being abandoned by the person who literally created her. can in fact talk but it takes a lot of effort so she doesn’t bother because like, fuck humans right, why should she put in effort to make herself understood when they’re not gonna want to understand her either way. I’m so blessed & grateful that moriarty is her dad now. 9/10

i’ll be honest I still have no idea what his character is supposed to be like its not like he had a lot of screentime in extra and extella is very bad to its side characters. ?/10

the fucking supreme. pandered to like a dozen of my kinks and gave me a few more. my first 5*. the end of my f2p days and the start of my journey to becoming the monster god. the design. the skillset. the teeth. the c l a w s. a king despite hating kings. a machinelike killer despite living for the thrill of the fight. a man who wants to just die already yet obstinately refuses to. a contradictory mess that denounces every ideal he used to live by yet clings to them harder than ever. a monster whose personal arc after being summoned isn’t how he’s still human at heart or whatever but how he was a monster before he looked like one already so like, don’t even worry about it. his mad enhancement is EX(C ) and his material entry revealed that this weird rank is bc it’s not even actual battle rage, he’s just so fucking stubborn it gets classified as mad enhancement. EX/10 the love of my fucking life

the smile of an angel. seems completely rational at first but is still classified as a berserker with EX rank mad enhancement because of her inhuman determination to save as many lives as possible without any regard for the quality of that saved life. she’d amputate all of a person’s limbs in an instant if that’s what it’d take for them to not die. she has canonically beat people to a pulp to ‘cure’ their mental issues. completely dedicated her life to becoming a healing machine at the cost of her own health and even personhood. her profile says she doesn’t actually listen to others but in her myroom lines she takes an active interest in your hobbies and opinions and she also gets flustered when you call her an angel. i literally cannot fucking wait until ch america hits NA server she’s so fucking good and i want everyone to love her. 15/10

THIS IS WHAT A FRIEND LOOKS LIKE. the actual embodiment of “cool guy has a chill day”. a smile that rivals the sun and an attitude that turns even the most ordinary days into a grand adventure. his mad enhancement is basically just that he’s kind of an idiot. 10/10

OX MOM OX MOM OX MOM her mother got knocked up by an ox demon in a dream and had to raise her in secret, and her human father didn’t accept her until she proved to be really strong and even then only as long as she would exterminate anyone who stood in the way of the clan. so scared of being shunned for her demon origins despite being loved & trusted as leader of the minamoto clan that she straight up exorcised her demon self into a separate personality to kill it (& herself with it) and was only barely stopped by the four heavenly kings. nowadays fiercely protective of anyone who knows about & accepts her demonic side to the point of insanity, which is where her EX mad enhancement comes from. a huge crybaby but gets shit done anyway. 10/10

THIS IS ALSO WHAT A FRIEND LOOKS LIKE. someone who was labeled and locked away as something evil due to being what is by all means called a monster even though he’s got a really gentle personality and likes being helpful. really good example of the whole “heroes and villains are nothing more than the roles individual complex people are forced to take on” theme fate likes to play with. has difficulty talking but it’s easy to come to an understanding with him as long as you call him by his personal name asterios rather than the name of the monster minotaur everyone assumed he’d be and he thus inevitably became. 10/10

the only reason he’s a berserker is because his name and the word “berserker” have the same etymology and the grail had no idea what other class to put him. this is the canon reason. he doesn’t have any mad enhancement to speak of beside being a lil hot blooded and liking to fight. literally only here because he likes to throw punches. got his ass beat by li shuwen in ch america because despite loving to throw a punch he’s not actually a martial artist and can’t win from someone with actual technique. a classic ‘jack of all trades master of none’, he literally sucks at being every single class but can’t not be summoned as a heroic spirit because he’s from the oldest english epic poem and a prototype for many other heroes. a free spirited adventurer who takes things as they come but can be responsible when it matters. 9/10 

once a good & wise ruler but fell into insanity in the last few years of his rule before finally getting assassinated. loved rome with all his heart for its beauty & splendour but got overwhelmed by the conspiracies and other evils that were also a part of it until the goddess of the moon, who he was in love with, made him insane, which he claims saved him in his bond ce. determined from then on to become the ugliest most evil motherfucker in all of rome so that he could take all the nastiest parts of rome with him in his inevitable death and have his dear cousin nero live in happiness, if only for a while. summoned as a hero despite being very close to an anti-hero because the good ruler he was before going insane responded to a call to save the world and still intent to do his part by simply dragging everything evil down with him. 8/10 wouldn’t it be nice if chapter rome had actually paid attention to roman servants other than nero.

looks like a bratty child but talks like an archaic mob boss. has horns and huge claws. easily bribed with chocolate. has a huge sword but just fucking headbuts her enemies instead. 10/10

many berserkers are angry men but only he is anger man. classified as a berserker not just due to his battlefield conduct but also the insane commitment he had to the laws of the shinsengumi, to the point where he would personally execute former comrades who broke them. both the first and last member of the shinsengumi, a man who dedicated his entire life to upholding its values in a rapidly changing japan. surprisingly rational and during gudaguda 2 okita didn’t even realize he’s a berserker because he didn’t become the fanatic that qualified him to be summoned as one until after okita’s death. one of the coolest skillsets in the game and definitely some of the sickest animations. 10/10

NORMALISE

FINDING

AND KILLING

ACHILLES

10/10

my fuckign girlfriend 10/10

the cutest enabler. 10/10

please god let me meet her. 10/10

when will takeuchi die

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - A Facekick Says a Thousand Words

Welcome back to WWEm. Just to remind you, this is my daughter Emma (hence the amazing pun in the title) watching WWE matches and commenting on them. At length. With swear words. You can also catch her on Twitter as @Waruce, although this is usually during a PPV.

Transmission dates: 21/22 August 2017

Guess who's back

back again

daniel's back

(also em)

yeah, i've been sitting on that intro for a while

but yes, i am returned from the abyss of doing other things

so it feels like a good time for some MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(i said i was caught up, not punctual)

so yeah, this is summerslam go-home week

if you didn't watch summerslam, it was p good

and none of this will make sense to you

opening with paul and brock, just to remind us all that bouncy mcdickchest is still champion

except you can't see the dickchestiness because he's wearing an ugly merch vest

and trousers, which looks really weird on brock

the man should not wear human clothes

while he bounces in the ring, enjoy this slideshow from sunday

including braun killing brock with all tables available, which was fucking hilarious

but hey, at least roman got pinned

audience response to brock is mixed, but everyone loves a suplex city chant

paul begins to talk, we all drown in smug

it always makes me laugh when paul insists on "undisputed", when every fucker's challenging for it

and he wants us to see a ppv match as some kind of assault orchestrated by a shadowy conspiracy

if the best shadowy machination you can come up with is to give someone a marquee match at the second biggest ppv of the year, you need your shadowy conspiracy card revoked

paul is somehow managing to spin brock as some kind of heroic underdog

i like my underdogs STANDING THE FUCK STILL

paul mentions the fact that brock pinned roman, biggest pop yet

we can all unite under the banner of 'fuck that guy'

paul mentions ufc, enjoy that legal action

at least paul manages to get through his spiel before BRAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

he's a sadistci giant, but at least he's polite

and the crowd love him even more than brock

goes for a chokeslam, then just kicks him in the face and powerslams him instead

a facekick says a thousand words

entire wwe universe put on notice, take a really big shot

by which i mean like a box of wine

and now this tangent has made me imagine a wine bong

ew

braun dramatically lifts the belt, but stomps off without it

still so respectful

brock lies in the ring, swears directly into the camera

keep it classy, dude

up next, enzo/cass in a street fight

after this myc advert

ooh, the first episodes should be out today

gonna watch the shit out of that

also before we do anything, have a mania-style slideshow with a fuck-off huge black bar at the bottom for whatever reason

slideshow of summerslam, to clarify

not just vince's holiday pics

aaaaaaaand i'm back to ew

image of the day: vince mcmahon bonging a box of wine

and now we get an announce team recap of brock/braun from five fucking minutes ago

finally on to the next segment, here's cass

and i still dislike that they changed his music again

this is super generic

i liked the weird-ass electronica he had going on before

why the fuck did i say electronica there?

industrial

i am so on form

and now this slideshow reminds me that enzo taking his clothes off and buttering himself out of a shark cage wasn't some kind of fever dream

the fuck was that match about

and here comes enzo

does his intro, cass stands in the ring smirking like the fuck is up with this guy

enzo starts a diss track on cass having an education, for some reason

by contrast, enzo claims he grauduated "magnum come larder" from the school of hard knocks

here comes the bit where enzo waxes lyrical about their youth together

daniel, cue the soft-focus flashback

enzo says this is where the story ends, which is good because it can't go to much more

enzo leaves, then returns with a shopping trolley full of random objects

cass comes up the ramp as enzo ineffectually throws things at him, ref goes fuck it and rings the bell

enzo tries to kendo stick cass, gets the shit beaten out of him in return

yeah, like i say, we don't need more on this angle of 'cass beats small man into paté'

back in the ring, cass gives enzo a chair like he's bray wyatt or something

enzo gets up, kick to the face

coming back from the break, enzo is still dying on the floor

important ad break recaps of enzo getting beaten to shit

enzo crawls for the chair, cass kicks him to death, repeat

asshole chants predominate

corey drops a martin shkreli reference, cos that's just how he rolls

enzo bullfights cass out of the ring, because we need some kind of futile hope spot

dramatic crawl to the chair, just as he gets it cass stomps on it with his hand in

that spot was cool when cedric alexander did it

cass is, however, selling a leg injury from the spill to the outside enormously hard

calls for a medic, ref throws the x as enzo flails with the chair as the ref gives zero fucks

slomo replay of him hitting the outside

nasty bump, but that injury feels really worked

enzo dances with a fan, end thing

later tonight, sasha turns up

and here's a slideshow of people tweeting about her

but now here's emma, who's pissed about sasha being alive and her not getting the title shot

berating dana for everything being her fault

starts badmouthing nia, who is of course right behind her

they've got a match next

nia is unimpressed

but first, an ad for tomorrow night's smackdown in the aftermath of shane being laughably unqualified to be a ref

but now, here's nia

she's not like most internalised misogyny

nia really needs to work out what ring poses she's going for in her entrance and commit

seems super halfhearted

but here's emma, so i'm happy with the music

tbh, i love both of these

emma starts on the offence, nia is just like what are you trying to achieve

corey calls booker out on saying things that don't make sense, distracting the announce team from calling nia pinning emma

well that happened

up next, elias [SURNAME]

which cole is unreasonably excited about

and here he strums

why did he fucking lose his last name and nickname at the same time

now his intro just has his one-word name three times

apparently he stared into the eclipse and now can see everything so incredibly clearly

is elias samson a superhero

says he has a song about r-truth, starts doing an acoustic version of his rap before giving up and doing his trademark country-styled smack talk

berates the crowd for clapping along

he clearly has so much fun with this role

and here's truth

great

real top of the card angle right here

cole berates booker for not using his mic correctly

seriously, announce crosstalk seems to be the flavour of the night

almost talk over the pin again

quick win for elias

cole loves elias, booker likes truth, corey's just like fuck both these assholes

christ, i forgot the shie were tag champs

up next, kurt angle has yet another announcement for us

some of these slideshow shots are p great

credit to the staff photographers

but here comes an olympic hero, luxuriating in thousands of people lovingly telling him he sucks

apparently he has a surprise for us

on "the monday night raw"

oh, it's just cena

that could be more surprising tbh

with the whole free agent thing, i'm waiting for him to turn up on nxt

and have sanity eat his heart

booker calls him a prime time player

i feel titus worldwide might have something to say about this

cena commences to work the crowd like a champ

is there such a thing as crowdworkrate?

this is the most disorganised crowd

can't even lining up duelling cena chants

he calls the crowd out on booing at super illogical places

apparently he's here to get face to face with a certaint [sic] wwe superstar

here comes roman

i want cena to just be like no, i mean brock

fuck off, dude

cole claims it's deafening in the barclays, the crowd are clearly quiet as fuck

half of them clearly can't be bothered to even boo roman

i seriously want there to be a FUCK THAT GUY chant

you both suck chant begins

close enough

aww, roman is who cena wanted

dang

roman commences super lame smack talk

in which he tries to intimidate john fucking cena

cena stands there like do you know who i am

according to the audience, he's the undertaker

get on topic, crowd

cena loses the shirt, faces off, and...here's the miz

has bo stolen ariya daivari's gold jacket

signs point to yes

miz calls the venue "the barsgays"

cena stops him, corrects him, says "Marbles out of mouth, speak. Continue."

i have to pause the show to giggle

i love modern self-aware cena

but seriously, can nobody speak english today

miz commences to run sarcastic hype for this angle

like seriously, do these two need more exposure

says barclays every other sentence to make a point

miz is suddenly the face of the universe

easiest face heat ever, cutting on these two

oh, and here comes miz being angry about having the shittest timeslot at summerslam

really needed addressing

miz unites the crowd in saying fuck cena, he's like welp guess i'll go

miz stops him so he can shout at him for turning his segments into a joke

and now shout at the crowd for being fickle bastards

every time miz mentions his title, bo is standing behind him just pointedly pointing at the belt

and back to miz ranting about the respect he doesn't get

you deserve it chants fill the room

cena's like welp the people have spoken let's do the main event

miz/minion v cena/roman

roman's like um what

miz is like this is not how me getting a moment works

but now, here comes the WOMP

and also its earthly herald, samoa joe

time for some incredibly well-spoken smack

joe's like i support this idea in theory, but i'll be miz's partner because i hate both these tools

talks to roman, predominating chant is you're his bitch

brooklyn keeping it creative

goes to talk to cena, just punches him in the face instead

cue 6-man brawl

in which joe goes for a coquina clutch on cena and roman punches him off

and then long awkward faceoff between cena and roman as the miztourage slink away and joe rants backwards up the ramp

you both suck chants still very much a thing

but now, adverts for sasha, seth and dean all being here tonight

good to know

exterior shot of the barsgays

shockingly, kurt has approved that tag match

and we come back from the break into an 8-man cruiserweight tag, because fuck giving that division room to breathe

dar/nese/gulak/daivari v ali/alexander/swann/metalik

i do love metalik's slingshot arm drag thing

and ali's...well, everything

daivari goes for a hot tag to noam, he's just like nah you're alright mate

so tony nese comes in instead to play the ab counting game

the crowd are far more interested in their mexican wave than this match

fuck you, brooklyn

cole references tony nese's 12-pack, because apparently he slept through the counting game

thank you, corey

and lumbar check to nese for the pin

good match, but clearly nobody in brooklyn gave a shit

still a great finisher

i love that the replays don't have to fuck with the video speed, because it is as brutal as it looks

but now, here's charly with neville

who has regained the ability to focus on objects now he's got his shiny belt back

oh, but not while he's talking

some good middle-distance work there

calls tozawa a pathetic japanese punk and titus a flesh-eating parasite

seems a little over

starts telling us that there's a word for people like that where he comes from, tails off before he can tell us what it is

the suspense

titus and tozawa turn up, challenge for a rematch, leave

up next, the shie

after this slideshow

and this scene of kurt and his son

jj wants a match

with more than a dozen people watching this time

he wants finn

i approve, kurt does under suffrance

but now, the tag champs

they enter separately, no shield entrance yet

BURN IT DOWWWWWWWWN is very over

so are these guys in general

they're getting very philosophical about their reunion and the nature of friendship and belief

and seth invites all of brooklyn to a party

that seems impractical

they call out a challenger, brooklyn starts the delete chant even before the music drops

nobody loves this music more than jeff

matt kicks off with a creepy goat laugh

as you do

they congratulate seth and dean, do enough broken stuff to stay the most over people in the ring

they challenge for a match, seth is just like wow we're huge fans

matt's accent is slowly slipping back

they call for a ref, this is apparently a thing

so of course, this is where we break for a smackdown advert

and we come back as the bell rings

cole takes four tries to say the word 'seriousness’

professional

shot of the kkb watching this match in their massive army jackets

guys, you're not actually in this match, you could maybe wear real clothes and sit the hell down

seth and dean do a baseball slide/frog splash combo like fuck you street profits

matt does a dropkick through the ropes with no exit strategy, briefly tangles himself in them

some hot tags later, we've got matt and dean matching each other shamble for shamble

matt throws dean and seth out of the ring, tags jeff for poetry in motion over the ropes

dean pulls seth out of the way of a whisper in the wind, jeff has the ugliest landing

dean gets jeff in a weird leg trap anaconda vice thing, because that's apparently a move he does

and now just starts repeatedly throwing seth at jeff

shockingly, the third one ends poorly

jeff 'lands' a whisper in the wind, mostly just kills himself

matt does the turnbuckle mash/bulldog thing, even corey makes a broken reference

blind tag lets seth and dean do a really nice spinebuster/sling blade combo for a nearfall

throw both hardyz out of the ring, then suicide dive them both, because apparently jeff's jumpoffallthethingsitis is contagious

matt spinebusts seth on the apron, outsmarts dean by having ever watched one of his matches

at least until dean crotches him on the top rope

goes for dirty deeds off the top rope, the announce team get too excited

blind tag lets the hardyz set up for a swanton

dean gets the knees up, which seems dangerous as fuck

and kingslayer into dirty deeds for the pin

pan out to the kkb like how the fuck did they do that what's the deal with these shitweasels

and now let's have another recap of brock from earlier

because we needed to see him again

what am i saying, we get to see braun kill him again

makes me giggle

oh, first confirmed match for no mercy

brock/braun for the title

shock

actually, i think the first match was that advert vs all our minds

but now, we're backstage with the miztourage and samoa joe with a towel on his head

miz congratulates joe on joining the miztourage

joe is not impressed

shuts miz up, establishes a very loud game plan

tells miz to "do...that annoying unorthodox thing you do in the ring"

hey, anyone want an ad for season 2 of total bellas

well, you're getting it anyway

wait, you can't see this

it's just me being subjected to it

dang

another myc advert

so hype

but now we have sasha

as promised, she is indeed in this ring

well, she's in the building

god, i'd forgotten her dilophosaurus coat from summerslam

was not the best look

thankfully, she's back to real clothes

gets ambivalent cheers for being from boston but somehow having become a brooklyn homegirl

does a brief tribute to ric

i'm amazed it took us until the thrid hour of the show to get one

weird glitch in the video where sasha briefly turned into finn bálor and jason jordan

unconventional angle

but now we're back, and here's alexa to interrupt

and be smug despite having lost

cool jacket though

calls sasha out on the fact that she has never been able to defend the belt

sasha wants her to do her rematch now

seems unlikely

oh hey, she said no

because brooklyn don't deserve it

but we're having it next week

wherever we are next week should be grateful

oh, memphis

apparently they deserve it

i'd love to see alexa's criteria

but now, here comes jason

to a very slight remix of his shitty music

new tron, but that was hardly the problem

this version sounds like it was played on actual instruments

slideshow time again

reminding us all how awesome shinsuke's violinist is

but now, here's finn

back in human form

not that i'm complaining

does the arms

bell rings, commence some of the fastest chain wrestling you've ever seen

apart from you, dude who watches njpw matches at double speed on youtube

i see you

jason goes for the handshake, finn kicks him in the gut

makes sense, tbf

this crowd is so fucking cold for like the last hour and a half

what's up, brooklyn

did you all come to takeover and summerslam and now you need sleep

i like to think that people just live in their seats in the barsgays for four days

jj has turned serious thanks to finn's ungentlemanly conduct

gets finn in his butterfly lock for a while, which as always looks like he's really obviously not pulling as hard as he can cos he could probably dislocate someone's shoulders quite easily if he wanted to

finn appeals to his club peeps, uses their power to kick a dude in the head a bunch

p sure i've seen that anime

are the crowd doing a fucking beachball chant again

someone get cesaro

and also a new audience

straps come down, finn does a really nice powerslam counter, gets punched in the head, pele kick to down both of them

so jj just picks finn up and starts running him into all the corners

slingblade into a really ugly corner dropkick

people need to stop standing so far from the corner

and coup de grace for the pin, because while we might be pushing jj, it's not to the extent where he can actually get a win

but next, main event time

after this trailer for birth of the dragon

which i hear is racially tone-deaf as fuck

i mean, i have no more information than that, but it's a wwe production, so i kind of assume it's racist unless i hear otherwise

and yet another smackdown ad

and one for the women's title match next week and the cruiserweight title match on 205

but after allllllll that, here's the miz

and this brooklyn crowd, like so many crowds, has no idea of the timing to miz's intro

apparently miz caused chris pratt and anna faris to break up

huge if true

and enter 120% of your daily WOMP

and a cena

corey's excited because apparently he's never called a cena match before

doesn't seem like such an achievement

the announce team finally tell ric to get well

boos erupt even before roman's entrance starts

oh, so now you wake up

match starts in the advert break, cos eh

it's not like this match is going to be particularly scintillating

cena is actually shouting at the crowd about the beachball

gets asshole chants, corey shouts "Lazarus is risen from the dead!"

sure, why not

it's one of those episodes

oh, and now we're doing the wave again

announce team like lol, fans are having fun

but they're also not watching the fucking match

cena keeps getting distracted playing with the crowd

miz gets the opportunity for a finale, cena sells it as well as he does anything

joe tags in to just punch john in the face a bunch

miz gets a nearfall off the fluffiest top rope axe handle you've ever seen

and crotches himself when cena dodges a bronco buster

does miz even usually do bronco busters?

or was that just added for the comedy crotch pain spot

(i'm going for the latter)

roman goes for a superman punch, joe counters into an uranage because roman runs at approximatel 0.003 mph

miz gets roman out of the ring, distracts the ref as bo punches him

if you're getting taken out by a clothesline by bo dallas, you should maybe reconsider your career choices

joe gets roman in a trap claw that's less a rest hold than a hiatus hold

i lookd away for a second, so apparently joe has magically transformed into miz

cena hot tags in, does his five moves

so joe just stands in the way of the 5ks setup

roman tries to intervene, accidentally superman punches cena

and this is how friendship ends

acquaintanceship, at least

miz spends forever setting up for a finale on cena, cena just refuses and hits an aa for a win

because, as ever

cena celebrates, he and roman regard each other with no small amount of disharmony

apparently roman apologised

i didn't see it

and we fade on those two bro-ing in the ring

but hey, seeing as i'm actually here for the first time in a while, why not keep rolling a MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!?

daniel has just held up a sign in response to that

it just says BECAUSE BEARS.

...

well, i'm going to take that risk

he's flipped the sign, and the other side says BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARS.

i really need to have a talk with my staff sometime

and also maybe bearproof the office

ah well

problems for future em right there

for now, roll the tape

opening with a flashback of tozawa/neville, for some reason

neither of these are on this show

i am confuse

well there's your problem

that was actually the next episode of 205 live

excuse our slight technical problems

daaaaaaanieeeeeeeeel

right, take 2

oh hey, it's opening on a recap of summerslam stuff from smackdown

funny how that works

currently aj/kevin

and now we're live

and they don't want none

still in the barsgays, for the record

hopefully this crowd is better

so yeah, here's the us belt and ts lovely hair

also a human attached to these things

jbl approves of shane's refereeing, so you know it was bad

apparently aj built the barsgays

funny how often that happens

aj's bringing back the us open challenge

stating. right. NOW.

so here's kevin

i can't help but feel this booking misses the point of an open challenge a bit

aj's just like nope we did this already fuck off

kevin refuses to believe aj beat him at slam

claiming it's some kind of twenty years later brooklyn screwjob

here comes the money to offer a counterargument

and also the man carrying it

i like to think his gear always has a few bucks in it just so his music is true

shane like hmm, i could address this situation between my employees or i could spend some time going for cheap pops first

(spoiler: it's the latter again)

shockingly, shane's angle is that he did it fine

kevin touches on the fact that shane had a helicopter crash and jumps off buildings but got taken out by the edge of a 450

but his real grievance is that shane counted 3 before calling off the pin

he has video and everything

pointing out the fact that referees fuck up counts all the time but it still counts

it's cute how we're trying to bring logic into wrestling

shane disagrees, kevin immediately gets all up in his face

he's just turning into some kind of conspiracy nut

aj's like shut up you twat, let's have a match

shane's like this sounds like a terrible idea, but eh, fuck it

kevin wants to pick his own referee for the match

shane disapproves, but aj doesn't give a shit, so we're doing that

but it's kevin's last shot at the belt while aj has it

this angle has been pretty great, but i'm all about going out on top

but now, here's bryan on the phone

alluding to a couple big surprises

suspensssssse

here come the singhs to announce their emeperor

and jinder's here to be like thanks for inviting me daniel i accept your worship

bryan's like um no

instead, he's giving shinsuke a match against the singhs to get some revenge

and immediately end segment

bit weird

later, we have becky/naomi v carmella/nattie

but first, watch our bruce lee film

and this slideshow of summerslam

they are trying so hard to make it mania part 2

but now, backstage, kevin has approached sami, of all people

like sure i've been the worst friend possible, but i can trust you to be my ref, right?

sami responds by plugging his dvd

kevin's like i know you're free because you do fuck-all on this show, so help a brother out?

walks off as sami's like wtf just happened

back in the ring, aiden english calls for his spotlight and treats us to them pipes

lights cut halfway through 'drama king', and enter a very familiar e-flat chord

and the beautifully-robed man who comes with it

so yes, bobby roode is on smackdown now, and this is like the one thing i had spoiled

but to be fair, it's not like there was much left for him to do in nxt

and this should be good if they make it a feud

maximum theatricality

the brooklyn crowd are so down with it

roode does the glorious arms, aiden protests, gets punched out of the ring

one advert break later, this is turning out to be a decent match

jbl makes a beer money reference, call the lawyers

who am i kidding, anthem's lawyers are all busy with the matt hardy situation

aiden pulls out all his signature moves, bobby doesn't give a cumulative shit

and glorious ddt for the pin

and here's renee for a post-match interview thing

bobby immediately nearly punches her in the face

and opens by congratulating shane and bryan for hiring him

and basically catches the casuals up on what a tool he is

and they play glorious domination again because everyone loves that track

and now for more slideshows

including one they got from somebody's phone

class

and now, chad's in with bryan

and he's like hey i've got you a new tag team partner

and it's shelton benjamin

so, yknow, basically the same partner

and chad starts doing his old-school clingy enthusiasm thing

and now we're backstage

kevin gives sami a ref shirt, and he's like well i thought it over and i came to the realisation that i hate you go die in a fire

d'awwwwww

but now, here are the hype bros

fighting the usos, apparently

and here they are with their new belts

and their intro music, which i swear is gaining more rap every week

recap of their match on sunday, which was fucking great

best match on the show by miles, despite not technically being on the show

match starts, mojo surprisingly thinks the usos ain't hype

mojo dodges a stinger splash, lets jimmy just smash his own face into the corner

hot tag to zack, bringing some technique to match the enthusiasm

the moment the usos leave the ring, mojo barrels out of fucking nowhere to take one out

but jimmy still superkicks zack for the pin

and now he has some things to say

and jey has a speech about paranoia

is this entire gimmick based around minority-targeted prison violence?

(sources say yes)

but now shinsuke's walking around backstage, doing his octopus arms anyway because why the fuck not i'm shinsuke nakamura

SLIDESHOW TIME

and here he is

sadly, no live violin

which i'm now reading like 'living violin'

and imagining he has some kind of animated violin following him around to do his music

maybe it's true

maybe the legendary violinist is just a projection, and the violin itself is the true life form

why yes, i have been watching a lot of steven universe

what of it

but now, here are the singhs, who've brought their boss to introduce, presumably because they wouldn't have their own entrance otherwise

but hey, i love jinder's music, so i'm not complaining

while he comes in, have this slideshow of his match with shinsuke on sunday

commence match

which apparently will have both singhs in the ring at the same time

thanks for establishing these rules 15 seconds after the bell rings

and they're not even in ring gear

so what the fuck

shinsuke does good vibrations to both of them at once, makes even less sense than it usually does

likewise his knees to the corner

they get some brief offence off jinder distracting him

doesn't last

rolls one of them into the triangle, he taps before it's even in properly

jinder blindsides him after the bell, shinsuke doesn't give a shit and kinshasas him into a coma

and we return to the saga of kevin nomates

getting pulled over by the fashion police

they want to be his refs even though they're off duty

so they can "make damn sexy zebras"

kevin's like wtf fuck off

baron turns up, offers to do the job in return for having the first title shot if he wins

hope that shirt's an extra large

but up next, the women's match

after the myc ad again

so yeah, here's nattie

who i had completely forgotten was champion

and as a special reward, she gets to wear a jacket

fringed epaulettes and everything

i kind of approve

she will be a relatively-benevolent dictator

she's not disabusing me of this image with this speech

promising to return honour (cos she's canadian) and dignity to the division

and here are carmellsworth

james like grats nattie you finally won a thing after the age of the universe

and carmella's here to be like hey i have a suitcase just sayin

carmella's also got a nice new jacket, but she's also changed to a singlet and it looks super 80s and not great

ellsworth like hey can you even trust carmella she might just not tag in and let you get beaten up so she can cash in on you

carmella's like shut uppppppp you moron

but here's becky

no new jacket there, but i love her existing one, so yeah

and naomi in her awesome led fur coat

it's basically too hot for clothes here rn, but i would still wear that 24/7

match starts, i am just distracted by how much carmella looks like she's come in off the set of season 2 of GLOW

carmella taunts naomi a bit, then just tags nattie in

funny how that works

nattie beats on becky for a while, then goes for the tag as carmella 'slips' off the apron

and just lurks outside like go on nattie you got this you're awesome

naomi manages to tag in off carmella dicking around, nearly gets nattie to tap

nattie tags carmella in while she's distracted by her best guy, she then takes a bexploder and a split moonsault for the pin

oh no, our dastardly plan failed because we just generally kind of sucked

the graphic for the main event looks really dumb, cos they've clearly just photoshopped a ref shirt onto an existing graphic of baron

while they were booking this show, could they not have spared five minutes to give him a shirt and get a picture

anyway

here's dasha

reintroducing us to the long-absent dolph ziggler

who's like thanks it's great to be back here reintroducing myself to the fans in this crappy backstage interview thanks a lot

and goes on a tirade about how it's all about the gimmicks these days and he finally understands what it takes to be a wwe star

but now, lana continues to disappoint tamina

she's set up a route to the title starting next week

tamina's like fucking hell what about this week

lana avoids just saying yeah, they've already had one women's match today

instead leads her in a guided meditation on rage and resentment

during which her accent spans basically the entire northern hemisphere

now backstage with aj

and here comes baron in his ref vest

just to tell aj about the deal

aj's lik well, if i win there'll be an open challenge every week, so shrug

so that match is now

here comes ref!baron, with his new intro that i still don't quite get

it's like he's joining the ascension

which, on reflection, would be pretty great

king of trios 2018 confirmed

and yeah, here's kevin

and once again, they continue not to want none

aj hands baron the belt to do the ref thing, i'm honestly surprised he didn't run off with it

bell rings, kevin immediately leaves the ring

aj complains to the ref, who's like whatever man i don't give a fuck

i kind of love the fact that baron's wearing the ref vest as well as his wasteland bondage tights

i can't express in text how dumb he looks

pause for advert for next week's raw

and by 'next week', i do of course mean tonight

but hey, this blog has always had a somewhat spongey relationship with time

speaking of time and sponginess, this match is so fucking slow

like, there've been a couple of good spots, but they generally both look like they're still not over sunday

naturally, aj speeds up significantly as i type that

or maybe the video glitched

who can say

ushigoroshi into a phenomenal forearm for a nearfall, baron just kind of looks at it like yeah i should probably count whatever

instead, aj cranks in the deepest calf crusher i've seen

looks genuinely nasty

baron claims kevin touched the bottom rope (he didn't), so kevin throws aj at him, causing some i'm-the-fucking-ref power trip shenanigans and general fronting

and here comes shane to shout at his terrible refereeing while aj and kevin have taken each other out

kevin punches aj in the dick while they argue, goes for a pin, baron starts counting put gets pulled out of the ring by shane

one inter-official argument later, baron gives shane the vest and storms off

shane's wearing it over a tshirt, and it's still like four sizes too big

kevin's like wtf there is actually a conspiracy

and one phenomenal forearm later, kevin's out of the us title picture

during the highlights, kevin staggers up the ring with a blank stare like aj flayed his dog

and we fade on aj with his belt

ok, that was a pretty solid episode all round, narrative-wise

and the gas pervading the barsgays that stopped people being able to talk coherent english appeared to have dissipated a bit

so yeah, the bloggening has resumed

entirely possible it'll go on another hiatus in a month or two, but hey

if you have any complaints about this issue, please direct them to