#i also eant to look myself in the eyes and ask are you happy now??????

[coolnonsenseworld]

I've been working on a lot of new pieces and making them into merch, but before I start posting all of them you can go check out in the shops (linktr.ee/mezzy) Valentine's Bundle - merch that celebrates love (.... I mean klance, but I added Cuddlers as well, because I bet that if everyone had a Cuddler, world would be a better place).

There is a discount code fo 14% off of the Valentine's bundle - 7 codes for each shop (Bigcartel and Payhip) so use LO7E at the check out for a discount!

Happy Valentine's everyone thank you so much for sharing this with me and see you with the next post 💕💖💖

[paniccord-ff]

38. Part 7

Walking into the club in Amsterdam, this place is so unorganised as always. I always come here every time but today everything seems to be not in order, pushing through the crowd feeling hands all over me. I be getting groped in these crowds but I don’t mind, I can see Blake is taking this role seriously though. He is pushing anybody he can push away, he is not here for anybody touching me “Chris!” Parker shouted at me holding his hand out, grabbing onto his hand and climbing up to VIP. That is better, turning around and noticing that I would have rather been with the DJ because I am on the other side of this place. Smiling at the ladies, they do go all out for me even with a wife. Touching her hand smiling, the DJ pointed at me and I raised my hand at him “we have Chris Brown in the building” he shouted, the crowd cheered. Turning to Keeis and walking by him to get a drink “you want me to do anything?” Blake said in my ear, turning to him “no, I want you to stay back. Stay with me as a friend, I don’t want you being my bodyguard. Let them be it ok?” I worry something could go wrong and he or I could get hurt “it’s a little enclosed too so I want us both to be safe” Blake nodded his head understanding.

My dancers ended up coming into VIP with us, I honestly should be on the mic over there. I need to go down there, waving Parker over. He rushed over to me “I need to get to the other side” I said into his ear “this is my party and I am doing nothing” he doesn’t look happy, we have to walk into the crowd “one second” he walked off, bopping my head to the music “we about to go down there” I said to Blake and Aaron “y’all come with me aight” the security started shouting for the crowd to make space so I can walk along but they barely moved “can I go?” I mouthed pointing at Jacob, he gestured for me to step down into the crowd. The females were quick to get their phones out, feeling an arm around me and I got yanked back. putting my head down laughing, I got yanked back and I don’t know who the hell yanked me back “got you bro” seeing Blake, he walked ahead of me into the crowd. We came to a halt and nothing was moving “the fuck” trying to look ahead of us, seeing the club security scuffling with a few people “go back!” Blake spat, looking up at him “go, go!” a female screamed into my ear as a fist met my face.

I am flying out to LA today because I have a few things I need to do, one of the things is to see Maria because she said she hates me. I never told her before telling the world so I need to spend some time with my girl, and then I have to get Chris’ ugly dogs back. And then I want to do the house again. I need to redecorate so I am trying to get a few designers over, we don’t have much time. I need to prepare for my wedding and a photoshoot, I am so busy that I need to go back. I wish I could take my mom with me, she would be my perfect partner to travel with. I didn’t really get a break away, I was worried about Chris but he didn’t call again last night so he must be having fun. My mom made me some nice breakfast and I am packed and ready to go “Dad, my suitcase is in my room. I have taken some more things back with me” reaching the bottom of the steps “oh no, your room is going to look even more empty now” he pouted, I cooed out “I know dad but I will be back again, you know me” walking into the living room “I need to speak to you” Joe said pointing “soon, I eant to see my mommy” I grinned at her, I need some motherly love.

Resting my head on my mom’ shoulder “I wish I could stay longer with you, I was in bed thinking like always. I know you say I shouldn’t think too much but I have so much to do and I don’t even have a wedding dress either and the house needs doing, Chris’ ugly dog’s need to be back and then we need to prepare to fight a battle for Royalty. I can’t just lay here and think everything will be fine, it’s not and I have a real-life photoshoot. Rylee Turner a model, well Rylee Brown because Chris as changed that already but I am still a turner” I spoke without even letting my mom speak “you’re still Rylee Turner my daughter that is a nurse” looking up at my mom “I can’t believe how my life changed by that one time, I hate events and parties and stuff. I have to thank Lo for that, I am so excited mom and I wish you was with me. I am so excited to be a mom myself” moving away from my mom’ shoulder “I am happy for you, I am so happy for you. You deserve it, it makes me happy to see Harvey so full of life. He is acting like a new man, he has someone to live for” I hate when my mom speaks like this “boys, can you just give us some room” my mom said, I instantly do not want to know at all.

Not like I need hear anything bad “why do you do this to me? I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s happening and it is happening to me Rylee and I need you” turning to face my mom “and I am here for you mom, I just don’t want to think anything bad. You’re stronger then this and you can beat it” why is she playing weak “I am trying my best but I wake up every morning in pain, they want to give me a hysterectomy” my mouth hung open in shock “I don’t want to lose my womb but that is something that will save me, I don’t want to lose something where my children developed” wiping the tear that fell “Rose, why are you telling her this. She don’t need this!” my dad spat in annoyance, staring into my mom’ eyes seeing the hurt in her eyes and the thought of losing your womb “I told you Rose I will love you no matter what, stop this. We are moving closer to Rylee so we can see our grandchild, you have all this to live for! You need to have this done” my dad said it like it was that easy “oh mom” holding her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand.

My dad does not understand “come to LA mom, I am working. I got enough money to get you the best surgeon, I know it’s hurting you to go through this but we need you here. I need you to be in the room with me, I can’t do it. You guide me through things, what am I saying” sighing out “this your decision” I mumbled “a selfish one if she does not do it” my dad added “you don’t understand dad, you really don’t. I really need to go but when the money comes in I will help you all to move, I will get mom the best and I am not saying you’re not dad but LA have everything. I just want to help, that includes Kyrie because he is so far away. I am just so stuck because I want mom to do it but this is on her, dad stop looking at me like that. She is losing something that creates babies!” I am being dramatic but men do not get this at all.

Leaving New Jersey feeling even more stressed, this is great “I didn’t even get to say bye to Kyrie” I said to nobody in particular “why?” Joe answered me “he’s at school, you know this” so little time and so much to do, that is all I keep thinking right now “oh yeah you wanted to speak to me earlier? What is the issue?” I guess we can speak now that I have nothing to do on this flight “uh yeah” looking out of the window “I was actually thinking how Chris will kill us to know you are flying economy, I mean he don’t care about us but you” Carlos interrupted Joe “well I have you two sat with me so it’s fine right? Besides I am not about that getting on a jet, I don’t even have the money for that. Also Chris has taken it and I don’t want one” I am fine with budget airlines “just let’s not tell Chris anything, our secret ok?” we need to agree on this “I really won’t be saying shit but Rylee, I need to tell you something” looking away from the window “tell me before I fall asleep” he needs to hurry up “it’s not bad but it is bad, I don’t know. Well I got a phone call from Parker and he said something went down in the club” my face dropped, I don’t need more bad news “I am sat here thinking everything is good because Chris is quiet” I said my voice quivering “Chris got punched in a club and your brother got stabbed but he said it’s not bad” my eyes bulged out “not bad!!” I shouted out loudly as people turned to look “sorry” I whispered “not fucking bad, oh my god” I said through gritted teeth.

Shaking my head staring at my phone, nobody is picking up their phones “let me call parker” Joe whispered to me “please!” I am so fucking annoyed, I should have known because Chris being quiet is always a bad thing. My brother is stabbed, my man got punched and I am here thinking everything is fine “Parker, is Chris there?” the whole flight about to hear this conversation “hmmmm right, so why is he not picking his phone?” I want to speak to my man, I want to hear his voice “well go to the room, Rylee wants him” Joe moved the phone away from his ear to look at me “he’s just going to the room, Chris is sat with Blake. Long night for them” I don’t really fucking care right now, I am not in the mood and he didn’t even say anything to me. I am so angry and upset, I don’t need more shit “alright Chris, it’s not me” Joe passed me the phone “it’s me!” I spat “what is this? Why didn’t you pick your phone up? Are you trying to upset me this much, my brother! How is he?” I need some damn answers “my phone is in the waiting room so I am sorry, I was going to tell you but I just got occupied and Blake is cool, the guy hit his arm with the knife that came for me” I gasped “stop it, don’t say that. I don’t want to hear it” I am about to cry “I am cool, my cheek is a little sore but I’m fine. Just things went crazy and it seemed like someone wanted to hurt me” I sobbed out crying in the middle of the flight “Rylee, please don’t cry” shaking my head passing the phone to Joe, I can’t do it anymore.

Blowing my nose crying "excuse me miss is everything ok?" A flight attendant asked me "she's fine bro" Carlos said on my behalf, he is so far away from me and someone is trying to hurt him and then my brother is stabbed "Rylee Chris wants you" Joe held the phone out to me, he is still on the damn phone. Snatching the phone from Joe "you have upset me so much Chris, you are just stressing me the fuck out!" I am heated "but this was not my fault Rylee, I swear down I did nothing. I was doing my thing, I did nothing! Don't blame me" only god knows what shit he got himself into "fuck you, you really don't want to be in this child' life I could have lost you! Continue this bullshit because I am not having it, how dare you act the way you do. Don't expect me to be nice or even pick up your calls, even if it wasn't your fault or not everything about you has been dreadful, fix yourself up and then speak to me. Yes Chris, I'm angry" disconnecting the call "if he calls back then do not pass it me, he needs to sweat it out and I need to just calm down" I need a break from speaking to him but we shall see, we shall see how he acts because I am testing him "he sent text from Parker phone saying let me find out Rylee is flying economy we are both fired, tell Rylee he is sorry" shaking my head, he is something else.

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I feel sick. On friday i came home dizzy feeling like I was dead walking and passed out sleeping for most of the night into the day. I woke up sunday feeling a lot better but as i tried to eat my body was not having it. Even now I can’t stomach too much but apples and even then that is pushing it. i feel like at any second i will puke but It’s a faint sensation. I had two dreams that had me startled and put a slight cloud on my day until i forced the thoughts away. The first was strange and happened about 2 days ago. i was in an apartment listening to a friend of mine talk about his life. I was trying my best to fight trying to have sex with him and failing. even going so far as to entering the bathroom with him. ugh. i was pretty upset at myself in my dream cause I watched myself do it but in my head I was like ‘why are you doing this. don’t do it’. so anyway I have a pair of headphones on connected to like a walkkie talkie and I hear my ex’s voice on the other end. he’s talking about old money business and i click the talk end and ask him to repeat it. He is shocked and he says ‘your voice is too much right now’ and I apologize and ask him to repeat it. he starts to cry and i can hear the emotion and I look up feeling his pain. It was strange because I didn’t really care too much about the situation. I feel like I already moved on from him a long time ago and I didn’t regret my decision at all but haring the pain and emotion in his voice was too much. the dream ends and its a shallow dream so i know im near to akinng up. I carried that with me for the majority of the morning and it bothered me because i feel like i am being punnihsed for how the relationship went. I dragged it on for longer then it needed to be. wayyy longer and I still look back now and regret it but I’m learning to move past it and not dwell too much on it. I eventually was brave enough to face being alone and potentially being unloved so there is that. The other dream happened today. jesus had a weir dtanget and left a silly conversation we were having. i think he really just wanted to step away from me and i was actually pretty okay with it. I feel when we talk too much it puts a strain on our friendship. i wanna-say relationship but...I don’t like that. Inn my head im much more happy seeing it as a friendship because that means its safe. i almost don’t give myself any reason to be jealous  about others and i can give him my love in friendship and that is much more better for me. but some things he said got to me. He was talking about how dull and boring my life would be without him and at first i just joked about it but now I’m startting to see his point. Would i have been exposed to music without him? not as intense bth.My obsession with music and desire to persue it in some shape or form was inspiredby him and who he pointed out to me. I covet his songs so much. They are like staples for me and i dunno im actually listening to one of his songs now (let ‘em know by bryson tiller). So now that he has done his typical thing pretending to be upset and leaving “for couple of days” I have time to think. Its also venus retrograde whihc is like time to revisit and reassess how I see love, how i want to be loved and how I love others. also how my relationships look like and if there is a need for change. This is a simplistic view but its my understanding of it. So I know his venus is in Leo. which lmao is very fitting. hmm sometimes i wonder if I need to slow down with my thoughts of him. I am fascinated by him, pused by him, fired up by him, irritated, annoyed, and some feelings that i cant or wont name. So where does that leave me? Sometimes in my head i’ll call him allan and that makes me pause. Am i waiting for a saviour again? if i am i need to step back and realize that that only ends in pain and dissapointed hope. My last relationship i leanre da lot but it was under duress. it was painful and like forced me out of my caccoon under his hand and i felt so constrained as i tried to heal. it was too much for me and he never did understand me. Now that i’m just feeling jesus out I now see i see him as a saviour and i’m torn bewteen seeing him as one and being okay with it. is it so bad to have friends as liferafts? but at the smame time i dont think he should be treated like one :/ idk its weird though things have been feeling so surreal to me. watching my hands type and literally giving form to my words is unsettling to me. I feel like something is happening to me and i’m scared that its something bad. i don’t rmember being so sick before. in 3 years i only ever experieneced slight sniffles and here i am full blown sick and shit. i’m worried for myself and my body.I ask for michael’s healing and proetction. I am in a strange place and I wonder what will become of all of this. I feel so out of place. maybe its the books i have been reading too. When i read i somtimes carry bits of it into my life. i wake up in this world slightly disjointed and off. I finished reading parable of the talents and that left me shook. i have oto write a book review for that but ive been avoiding it for some reason? anyway I’m a lil way halfway trough lilith’s brood and I find the book fascinating and also scary in a way. i’m not scraed perse about the alients. or maybe i am idk. I’m more scared of the future where women and children will be vulnerable. why is it that males resourt to being bullies again once oscieties are gone? why sare they the most dnagerous? i mean even now they still are and its wrapped up in laws, decorms etc but in a dystopian futuere? terrifying. I couldnt be like Olomina and dress like a man because I am too fullfigured and womenly to pass. i am worried for myself. I just want to be free....i dunno what is going on with me? I ffeel like im drifting in and out of reality and things feel dreamy. I had a thought about my empathy and pisces power and like...maybe all my empathy is for books? thats when i feel so misty and out of it after reading ike my mind really led me away. im happy im reading again at least. it unsettles me that i am becoming  a women. I am entranced with myself seeing the curves, my skin and body seeing how beautiful it is but also seeing how dangerous it is to me and my life. How many times will people punish me for how i look? men mostly. and i dont mind suing what power i apparently have over them but its like i know it will be used aaginst me soon. i never feel wrong for knowing that my body is beautiful. I know it is and i know i am beautiful and a creature many may want to touch and have. I am growing into it and i feel like a flower that is maturing before peoples eyes and im afraid. i know fear is bad so let me say mor elike it unsetles me. but with chnage comes growth and i feel like because of my freeizing myself as i unthaw and turn into who i was supposed to be i am going to blossom very quick. its also weird too because as I say i want this this and this in my body over time i gain that. i was so e skinny and i wished to be thicker and now here i am getting thicker and i know if i atemore id be even thikcer and yet my stomach has not changedd and actually has remained smaller then it as before? i am also finally looking pretty. i felt like such an ugly child and now i wonder if its not that im being graced with it now but that i am seeing it in myself. i know i have eyes that can trap people. I actually look away to make them feel comfortable because if i stare too long at eople they either get caught up in my face (men especially) or they paue for a second.. idk. i feel like im changing t into something that ahs power that i am not comfortble handling;. or am i just being dramatic? the voice in my head is soft and quiet and that is the true me. I have to protect her because thhis world wants to hurt her and she is too good for it. that sounds weird.. But i know i have to keep this shell around me because peope see weakness and want to go for it/. when i gaine dback my sag and leo self i have used it like a shield against people and emotions. only a few know about my soter side/. jesus nampende and allan do. allan has used it and used it agains me to quiet myself, jesus looks down on it and i think nampende is the only one who sees it and sympathzes with it. alone i am soft and always ondering. when im with peoplei am dynamic lughing being wild and having fun. i know that that needs to be my face to protect me. these days i feel like i need to make a descion.  I dont know when and what i need to decide on but i know something will happen soon in my life. something big. idk.maybe its the new moon in virgo? or maybe its just me. im usually okay with momnets of confusion but coupled with this sickness and weird feeling im worried. i had my period so im worired im pregnant but....idk.anywasy on a more shallower side im getting my hair done and im trying to get a new phone. i know its mostyly because i wanna just fuck show people i actually am cute asf? for some reason i cna never capture how beauiful i am in pictures. maybe its the dymanicness of my face. idk i mosty want jesus to se it i think he thinks im ugy af and im like not??? if he saw me in person i dont think he would be saying and talking to me the ay he does. but i cant help things and tb its better that way. if i eve rsee him it will be a good suprise for me when i smirk at him like boyyyy you don fucked up;. anywyas im being etty and yes my exercises ha and will be fueled with this drema in mind veen tho i know it may not actually happen nor go the way i want ti to go. ughh sometimes i forget that im 23 and dont need to have it ll figured out. like thast not un expuse but i always be putting so much pressure on myself to know so much and catch up because i froze so much of myself. i know my body ma=eant well with how it chose to protect me but sis, i suffer lol.I am trying my best to just do my best. I feel tested and tested constantly but i guess with trying to be a better person and working on yourself. oh wait. PLUTO. i remmeber asking pluto a month ago to reveal all my bad shit a lotttt over the course of a month and sicne its a slow moving planet its prob now just hitting me. yikes. well if i cna make it through this then i really will be rdy for anything. so much pressure and stimulation i know i can survive but damn i need a break and shit.well i have tomorrow off so im probgonna chill and dhit. i have a meeting with some witches and other femmes in about an hour so lmao idk man im just trying my best. I hoope the universe sees that im trying because awd jesus i am. I love myself through this no matter what. the feeling that im gonna die is creeping up again its so strange i hvent felt this oh...its probably just anxiety over this sickess. ugdwheteriutuieyte45465hthrethuwt im gonna stop lol this has been too long already (peep the change in tone thast my sag self shining through)