#i also don't think my fuckin doctor believes me when i tell her when i feel this way

[swagyna]

trying not to spiral over the healthcare system.

how many others have been left in the dust like me? too disabled to work but not disabled enough for the government.

lemme just chop a limb off quick to qualify

[llycaons]

Ep5: the gay porn episode

even tho we know that lwj is at the very least attracted to wwx, this early on it really doesn't come off like that at all to anyone else besides lxc. he's even harsher and stricter with wwx than he is with anyone else. of course, later on he does a 180 because he's incapable of acting like wwx means as much to him as anyone else does

a boy is FLIRTING

wwx goes to a lot of effort this episode to repair his relationship with lwj, which indicates a lot more responsibility and maturity than, say, jc would have us believe. though tbf, wwx isn't trying to become friends for political reasons, he just wants lwj's attention. but he's also defending and explaining his actions, and the fact that he'll retaliate when attacked is of course extremely important later on. even with all the changes he goes through and and nuances we see, his core character is intact throughout. such strong writing

saw a blog once claim this wasn't necessarily sexual but um that's definitely how I read it. with that look? come on.

their rooms are so gorgeous

ICONIC APPEARANCE OF HISTORICALLY ACCURATE GAY PORN!!!!

this is so funny to me. wwx is so shocked that the extremely uptight young heir of a famously conservative and traditional sect hasn't seen gay porn. my boy idk how open-minded the jiangs are but you are not in yunmeng anymore...tbf lxc and lqr aren't even homophobic, but the kind of distress that his feelings cause lwj have got to come from somewhere, and I don't think it's just 'not wanting to be into someone so different from the lans'

wwx turning back the rules on lwj extremely fucking funny

aw :(

JIANG CHENG IS NOTHING EASY.GIF MOMENCE

nooooooo jc don't say that

jc is so happy to see wq, and his little pleased smile when wwx complains that she's only paying attention to jc....oh boy. boy oh boy. this is so sad

young jc is like. he's so fragile. he still has potential. he hasn't done anything he can't come back from yet. he loves his siblings. he likes a pretty girl. I mock him for the comb but it's not a great wrongdoing to be a little awkward and go for the thing that adults say girls like. it's not like he has any healthy relationship to emulate. ough.

SO MEAN. in contrast lwj is just a huge fuckin brat

see we rag on wwx for not telling people shit but early on at least, he was a good communicator! he saw that his actions could be misread and he took steps to clarify where he was coming from and why he did what he did

this is still one of my favorite jokes

wq literally is doing her job as a doctor and jc is like 😳 lady wen... I don't blame jc for having a crush but I DO blame shippers for being shitheads about a woman who is literally just doing her job

wen ning rushing in to save su she is so. he's the weakest cultivator here and he still put his life on the line to save this guy. this is something else we'll see later, when he uses his meager position to save jc and the jiang parents' bodies, and when he tries to stand up for his fellow wens at the camp

ppl who ship jc and wn are unhinged for various reasons but the kicker is right here. wq briefly held fast to her principle of looking after her family and nobody else, but wen ning never did. he puts himself in danger for people he barely knows over and over again, with no possible reward. this mindset is so alien to jc's caution and 'I got mine' outlook that there's no conceivable way that they could ever make a relationship work. even in an AU, I could barely see them becoming friends. they're just too different at their core

whew, what a long episode. ngl, this sequence at the lake ties with the maze forest as my least favorite parts of the show. it's just so BORING. there's some character work, like wwx saving wen ning and giving him the amulet, jc getting himself a crush, and wwx flirting, but it's not enough to liven up this very dull passage. regardless, the ending where lwj bought the ES for wwx was sweet

personal highlights: ep5

wwx being very openly and vocally into male erotica. I mean how are people STILL saying he didn't know he was into dudes. boy was about to start crying when lwj destroyed his treasured collection

wwx flirting in the library. he knew what he wanted. oh and him being really good at communicating. nice job, wwx!

jc has such a nice smile it breaks my heart for him

wwx giving wen ning the protection pouch 🥺

[barry-j-blupjeans]

23 or 43 with Taako & Lup?

23. "Why won't you let me braid your hair?"

43. "Tomorrow will be better."

((drabble prompts // hurt/comfort prompts))

--

"Just- just drop it, Lup."

"I've dropped it three times now, Taako," Lup said, grabbing the end of his sleeve to stop him from getting up. Taako cringed and pulled his hand back, but didn't make to leave again. He was facing away from her as they sat on the couch. "I care about you, okay? I know we've got some- some fucked up ways of showing it, sometimes, but I want to help you when I can. I need you to believe me when I say that, Taako."

Taako didn't respond.

"I know it's not gonna be like... before," Lup said carefully, swallowing back the guilt. "I get that. But the root of a shitload of our problems- our family's problems, not just ours- would have been solved with better communication. So I need you to communicate with me about this, alright?"

Taako nodded, barely moving his head, but Lup got it. She sighed, carefully reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. He tensed just slightly but forced himself to relax.

"Let's just start with something simple," Lup said. "Why won't you let me braid your hair?"

Taako snorted, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes.

"That's simple?" he asked.

"Maybe not," Lup said. "I won't know unless you tell me about it, goofus."

"Well maybe it's hard to talk about, dingus," Taako said, turning on the couch. He wasn't facing away from her anymore, but he wasn't looking at her either. He swung his legs over the edge and just stared into the unlit fireplace.

"I'm here to listen," Lup said, reaching out to hold his hand. Taako clasped it, breathing in a deep breath. "I've got all afternoon, babe."

"Alright," Taako said. "Alright, fine, here's the Taako stitch- my body's all fucked up. Like, obviously my mind is a pile of goo right now, but my body is fucked, Lup. Like, ninety percent of the time I'm in pain, and then the ten percent is when I'm asleep. That's what's up with Taako!"

"Gods," Lup said. "Taako that sounds- that doesn't seem great."

"It's not!" Taako said, a little hysterically. "So I don't like people touching me and I don't like doing things and I fucking hate my legs most days because I can't stand up to cook or bake or anything without a pain potion."

"So me braiding your hair would hurt," Lup guessed.

"Right now, yeah," Taako said. He flopped back against the couch, squeezing Lup's hand tight. "Some days, like, it'll be fine. But even having it in a bun hurts my head. It's a bunch of bullshit."

"Fuckin' sounds like it," Lup said. "What can I do to help?"

"Like I know," Taako muttered. He let go of Lup's hand, scrubbing his face tiredly. "I've tried like... so much. Healing potions, stretching, exercising, changing my goddamn diet. Nothing has worked, Lup. That's not me exaggerating, I've tried literally everything I could think of besides, uh. Y'know."

"A doctor," Lup finished. "But, like, if you're in this much pain all the time, why not find one? There has to be something they could do."

"You know what doctors are like, Lup," Taako said uncomfortably. "Tomorrow will be better, anyway. I'll be fine."

"I tru- hey, Taako, look at me-" Taako glanced towards her. His eyes were slightly red and teary. "I trust you, babe. I really do. But I also want what's best for you. If I can find someone who we both trust, would you be willing to try?"

He didn't say anything as he looked away, but he didn't object either. After a small moment, he just sort of shrugged.

"I'll look for someone," Lup said. She reached for his hand again, rubbing his knuckles. "Thank you for trusting me."

"Yeah," Taako said softly.

[judehatesmaths]

My mid class crisis of this semester:

I'm literally crying.

I think I've been pushing this thought a lot back, but now that I have my first in person midterm exam in uni, it's kinda exploding on my face. I feel so bad, and unmotivated, and confused, and i hate every course that im taking except for one but even for that one even if i pay attention so much that i understand the topic and participate in seminaries, even then I fail the virtual exams.

I've felt like this almost since I began studying this, only anatomy saved me last semester and kept me afloat and that was my only motivation, but this year and semester.... There's nothing. And now. I have this big exam tomorrow evening and the only path I've got is to cram all night today and hope that i pass (which i don't think i will).

Watching and listening to my classmates and some of my friends enjoy so much this career and seeing them thrive (not just survive) in the courses is just so bizarre to me, and it makes me sad bc (i hate how selfish this sounds) that should've been me. I was almost top of my class all during highschool, had straight 20s (the highest score in my country) in classes like biology (which i loved in school, it was almost my favorite subject) and chemistry, i never studied (never needed to and never learned how to) and felt that medicine was what i really really wanted to do.

...then we go to uni and all my dreams are crashed. I barely pass biology by 2 points, chemistry is torture too, i hate everything, i hate the doctors who are teaching. My friends kinda feel the same, but theirs is different, they don't think of quitting as much as I do, or nearly as daily as I did (do).

The thought of quitting gives me so uncertainty, i am not sure even if if I quit what would i study. I always joke about wanting to study Poli sci, but do I? What if i just get stuck in another never ending cycle like with medicine and end up hating it too? Maybe i will hate the courses there too. Plus maybe I'm too old, people will look at me. Is it too late? Have i wasted 2 years of my life? And all the people I'd let down if i quitted, my mom who had to make such an effort to pay for uni, my grandparents who are so amazed and happy about me studying medicine.

I think about the last one a lot.

Part of me feels as if studying medicine gave me a sort of intellectual superiority (it's dumb ik) but. Everytime I meet someone and they ask what I'm studying, i say med and fuckin hell, they're amazed, entranced, by how I'm studying medicine and idk, i don't wanna let do of that feeling even if it's stupidly selfish of me.

Also. I left this in drafts for about 2 hours bc i had genetics kahoot and dude I love that subject, its keeping me afloat and i did good and only missed 2 questions out of 22. I don't feel like crying anymore, but I'll probably do when I start studying. I think what I'll miss the most if I quit is all the people that I've known bc even if they tell u you can still stay in touch, it's not the same. I'll miss hanging with them, planning to stay in campus to study, going out for coffee or food, idk that stuff. I don't wanna let go of the familiarity that this major brings me.

To be fair, i have these career crisis almost every semester (so 3 times almost bc 3 semesters have passed) but this one is the one that hit me harder and made me actually cry. My counselor who is also a psychiatrist told me that this was the hardest semester and that these courses were the most ugly, but then it would get better. Maybe i should believe her; it's almost what happened to me the first semester, second semester came and it was better and i felt better. I didn't feel amazing, and in love, but it felt better yk.

Idk what I'm hoping to achieve with this post, just getting my thoughts out of my head (I don't think I've ever done that) and hope a little venting works for me.

Anyhow, too much of my feelings xd

[cervidaedalus]

I have to go to a different Planned Parenthood for my HRT consultation and I guess this one gets a lot more protesters than the other one up the road from me. Even on Google maps, you can see an anti-abortion ad on the bus stop right outside. So you know, Planned Parenthood is my PCP. My Primary Care. The place where I will not only be getting my HRT, but have gotten ALL my referrals to blood tests, physical therapy, a cardiologist, dentist, and optometrist. The place that thus far has had the nicest, most compassionate and understanding doctors. And like I'm standing there trying to read stuff on my phone while this fuckin white boy is shouting at me "You don't have to go through with it! Jesus loves you! Get away from that place!" and some other illegible nonsense about abortion because clearly the ONLY reason I was there was to get an abortion. The sheer amount of brainwashing these people undergo to have the boldness and confidence to stand outside of a building and sexually harass (because yes, that's what shouting at someone about reproductive choices SHOULD be considered) some random stranger with absolutely zero nuance or critical thought. Like your entire platform is to "save a life" right? I chose not to engage because these people are often way too far gone for ANY reasoning but I really wanted to ask him what he thought I'd gone there for today. Presumably he'd take it as the opoortunity to continue telling me I don't need to abort this imaginary baby he thinks I have. Then I could tell him that no, this is my primary care office and I'm here for life-saving care for my cardiac issues and genetic predisposition to cancer. Then I would ask him again, "Do you care about life? Because presently you're trying to steer me away from a place that's saving mine." And either his brain would have started sparking and sputtering, or he'd just packpedal or go off about some nonsense that just SUPPORTING that place was bad. And that's how it goes. When I lived with my friend Sierra, there were a couple of Mormon boys who went door to door. Sierra and her husband invited them in, listened to them, asked questions, occasionally the questions did fall into the realm of challenging their belief system. The whole point was to build a dialogue and an air of friendliness and compassion. Cult experts will tell you that the hostility and aggression and competitiveness often executed against these people is used to further indoctrinate them. "See! The outside world hates you! They're all tainted by [insert boogeyman concept here]! But WE love you and JESUS loves you." Almost always they'll send out the young guys to do this sort of work, too, in order to push them deeper into that hole whenever they inevitably are met with backlash. I'm kind of like, alright, I think your platform is dumb as fuck and yes, you're some cis dude telling me (and whomever else that day) what to do with our bodies, but also I feel genuinely bad for you because you've basically been manipulated your whole life to believe such things and essentially forced into the narrow ideaology that whatever you're told is inherently right because its told to you by the only people who love you, and everything else is inherently wrong because they're ideals help by the people who "hate" you.

[gunmetal-ring]

Stream of consciousness for 11x7

Yeah I mean I agree with Maggie... get food or die trying you know? Also Negan sorry but gleefully murdering a man in front of his entire family including his sick and pregnant wife is like... not really something you can come back from. There's no "being even" there's just not open hostility. Idk I'm always and forever gonna be team Maggie even if the conflict is tiring

What happened to Elijah's mask? Did I forget something?

Wait what? Walkers at Commonwealth? Since when? What? Whatever. Fake Stephanie is cute but like who cares. Oh mkay I see killing walkers is basically prison for them got it. Only zeke could be dying from cancer and still be stabbing walkers with ease what a badass. Princess looks so different without her fuzzy pink jacket

Pumpkin suit!! "Nasties" bro you know what's nasty is your fuckin dumb cardigan and shitty attitude. You're gonna be the first one to die when team family eats the rich.

Oh good Daryl has dog back I was wondering if they'd ever be reunited.

I wonder if Elijah is claiming Carver or pope? Probably Carver. I think Daryl or Carol has to kill pope. Negan makes me snicker tbh "not with that attitude"

These Halloween masks are killing me so fucking weird lol. Hmm interesting. Can't tell if Leah is getting punished or if pope relented in yelling at them bc she asked him to stop

Alright!! More dynamics!! Damn Daryl is laying it on THICK lol.

Uh OK there's no way they dried out the mask quickly enough for Maggie, that's gotta be bloody as fuck lol.

Hmm they still have cars... wonder if they've got biofuel or just pretending like gasoline is still good after a decade

Wait hang on I'm just piecing it together unless I already said this and don't remember. Do we think pope is his last name or he renamed himself pope bc of his religious fanaticism?

Ugh wish Gabe killed the guy

I'm sorry I just like. I reeeeeally don't care about Commonwealth and especially yumiko and brother. Like ok her brother is all in and she's not convinced. Got it. Oh wait OK maybe he isn't all in hmm. Wonder why he doesn't want to be a doctor.

I think negan does actually admire Maggie he's not just trying to win her favor.

Truly Leah and Daryl is my favorite storyline and I can't wait for Carol to join bc she has to she just has to. Bet Leah's gonna kill the rando and that's gonna be the first indicator that she can't be saved. Aha there you go popes orders! Wonder if daryls gonna try to convince her otherwise or if it's too early for him to begin driving wedges

I guess I'm just not sure what the plan is? Like the patrol would kill walkers, no? Idk. I'm glad that they're finally having a heart to heart. Well okay then negan good talk.

That's so many walkers wtf. Hm zeke is back on his king persona... wonder if that's part of a racism thing?

Also gabe... why the fuck you lyin

Ha nasties are protecting your yuppie ass!! Well okay what a fuckin shock that he's a little shit. Uh Stephanie use your words or kill the walker?! OK fuckin finally. OK well Eugene that's really not doing you and your friends any favors. Ohhhhh wait is that the prince milton of Commonwealth?

"Settling in ok" uh sure most of them are in prison but yeah other than that everyone's doing great. Aha I was right! Hmm I wonder if fake Stephanie is gonna actually fall in love with Eugene. And he's gonna find out she's fake Stephanie and be like can't believe you lied to me ill never love you. And then rosita will remind him love is eternal and he'll be like OK you're right fake Steffi let's go

"All the chances you've gotten" Uh OK they've been sent to a detention facility without due process, threatened with reprogramming, interrogated for hours on end, cut off from their community, refused resources and legal representation, sent to prison for manual labor under threat of possible death... what exactly have you done for them?

How did they know the building was full of walkers? Hmm... alright well I guess they're gonna wander up and hope for a hospital esque attack from last season. Altho it feels like Maggie is forgetting that they have grenades so

Oo... mother and child... Leah is gonna kill them? Oh no or will Daryl kill the son to "prove" he's still supposedly in love with leah? Oh no wait nvm. Hm OK maybe pope is gonna find out that she saved the guy and the kid and that's gonna be a problem. Maybe Daryl will kill the woman for Leah to "prove" it. Aha I was right! But I do think he also felt a little sympathetic for her. Like not just strictly for strategic reasons. Nice of Leah to give him credit too.

Oo... what's he gonna tell her?! Is it real? It's definitely not about Maggie but I wonder if it's something true or a lie that seems serious or something idk. Hm.

Oh no... oh no is that Elijah's sister oh no aw that's awful oh no ugh oh God poor baby. I miss the music that always played when beta was leading walkers tho that was always so intense

Ugh it's over?! Gdi. Ok this one was pretty good. I'm glad it was light on Commonwealth. Annoyed still at the lack of Carol tho. Rly hoping things move right along. Overall pretty solid imo

[artswaps]

I don't ship kallurance but I LOVE being nosy about other people's projects. Whatchu got in the works 👀

I’m really mad cos I tried writing a long-ass response to this twice already!!! But my browser crashed the first time and then windows hit me with a surprise update the second lol. I had torewrite it so I’m sorry for the late reply :(

Kinda long so I put it under a cut:

Here’s an old summary for the superhero au fic (Title is almost definitely gonna change):

tbh I’m not greatat writing romance and I don’t find it particularly fun to write?? So more like kallurance-leaning slightly-shippy gen but w/ever not important OKAY SO first the backstory and oh boy it’s very convoluted and doesn’t make much sense right now so strap in: 

I was thinking the story would be set in acyperpunk-style AU, wherein Voltron is a team of underground heroes trying totake down the Galra- a sinister corporation who have essentially taken oppressive controlof the city through widespread use of their technology.  

Back when the GalraCorporation were just coming into power, team Voltron was first employed byAltea Industries- Galra’s rival company- as a heroic task-force charged withprotecting the citizens of the city. Before the story begins an “accident”happens  at Altea Industries (obviously a deliberate attack organised byGalra) that left the founder of the company dead and his daughter Allura, heirto Altea industries and member of the Voltron force, in a coma she’s yet towake up from. This is two years before the story begins.

For a short time afterthe incident, the four remaining members of Voltron (Keith, Lance, Pidge and Hunk) tried to keep the teamtogether and continue their work as vigilante heroes. They officially split upafter Keith leaves the group to look for his best-friend-slash-psuedo-brother Shiro, who went missing and isbelieved to have been taken by the Galra. Keith’s decision to leave caused anargument between him and Lance, which led to a rift in the team and the othermembers drifting away for their own reasons.

Keith was captured by theGalra in his attempts to find Shiro, and has spent a year imprisoned and subjectedto the torture of having his powers being experimented on. It’s revealed at somepoint that Keith let himself be captured deliberately so he could look forShiro on the inside- while he was there he discovered that Shiro has beenbrainwashed by the Galra and is working as one of their law enforcers. He doesn’t recognise Keith at all, and Keith realises that without Shiro’s help he’s stuck as the Galra’s prisoner. 

After the other three split, Lance is left as the soleactive member of Voltron, and has spent the two years prior to the start of thestory working to undermine the Galra and protect the city as much as he’s able,turning himself into a wanted fugitive in the process and living isolated inhiding. He’s the only one still in contact with Coran, who is protecting Allura while she’s in a coma, and they both spend the years watching over her and never losing hope that she’ll wake up.

I had some complicated plot stuff planned where Altea, before it was attacked, was in the middle of producing a piece of super-tech that would allow them to take down the Galra and restore freedom to the city. The tech shared the name “Voltron” with their team of heroes, and worked as a power-augmentation device that would allow the team to mentally connect with one another and boost their powers. The attack on Altea industries doubled as an attempt by the Galra to steal it, but somehow when she was caught in the firefight Allura used her astral projection ability to merge her consciousness with the Voltron device. The real reason she won’t wake up in present-day is that she’s still mentally connected to Voltron, which is locked away deep in a Galra facility, miles away. 

So that’s where everyone’s at! The story revolves around Lance trying to resurrect team Voltron- finding and reconnecting with his old teammates and convincing them to take another shot at the Galra- while also dealing with everyone’s separate trauma and the fact that poor Shiro is still mind-controlled and basically acting as the main villain for the entire first act. 

The story begins withPidge contacting Lance for the first time since Voltron’s disbandment, claimingthat she’s been sent information from an anonymous source containing Keith’swhereabouts, and instructions on how to break him out. 

Pidge and Hunk reluctantly agree to team up once again for the sake of rescuing Keith, and they break into the Galra research facility he’s being held in.

During his time as a prisoner Keith learnt that Voltron is being kept in the same facility as him and the Galra are running tests on in. Mid break-out he convinces the others to find and retrieve it.

They rescue Keith, and when they reconvene at Coran’s hideout and bring the device within her range, Allura manages to separate her consciousness from it and finally wakes up. Yay! Everyone is confused and horrified by this revelation!! Allura, you’ve been a brain-ghost infused with a piece of stolen technology this whole time?? And the Galra have been messing with Voltron without realising you were hitching a ride?? That’s gotta have consequences, right??

Probably. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

AND NOW THE SUPERPOWERS:because that’s the most fun part of superhero aus obviously

I wanted to try and be abit more creative with the powers and stay away fromelemental/bending type ones lol. The only one I’m pretty set on is Allura, the others’ powers are things I’m still working out and would love some help with if anyone has any cool ideas! I’m totally okay with everyone having more than one superpower. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Allura: 

One of the world’s most powerfultelepaths/psychics. Can communicate telepathically, “astral project” herconsciousness to other locations within a certain perimeter, and read minds. 

Perhaps has some of her VLD-canon Altean powers eg. can communicate withanimals. 

She can also manipulate other people’s thoughts and perceptions to createillusions. Can’t physically shapeshift but can create the illusion that she looks different. 

As well as abilitiesof the mind, she has a strong connection with spirit/essence; eg. can senseother’s whereabouts or tell when they’re being influenced by an externalsource. Cannot heal physical injuries but has some sway over ailments of thespirit and mind. 

Power augmentation through a conduit: Being connected to Voltron for so long merged her essence with it, so now she can wield it as a conduit to boost people’s power, or like,,, direct and control Voltron’s innate power-boosting abilities at will via her telepathy (tbh I’m bullshitting a bit here while I throw ideas around lol)

Keith: 

If anyone in this AU is gonna have element-based powers it’sgonna be Keith- either he has fire affinity (can create and control fire +heat) or I could ramp up the angst and have him go full-on Jean Grey Phoenixmode ehehehe. 

The other main idea I had was power negation- upon physical contact he can cancel other people’spowers out. This would be interesting if it’s something he doesn’t havefull control over, and I reckon it’s something the Galra would take a lot ofinterest in using to their own advantage- would also be an interesting oppositeto Allura’s power augmentation ability. 

The other things I had listed aspossibilities for Keith are all endurance/enhancement-based powers eg. Enhancedspeed, dexterity and agility, night vision, regenerative/accelerated healingetc. All of these could be innate or they could be powers given to him by theGalra in an attempt to turn him into a weapon like they did Shiro.

Lance: 

Also not settledon anything for Lance but I did want him in part to have more compulsion andcharisma-based powers that fit his more sociable personality. He hascharmspeaking, a hypnotic ability that lets him influence the thoughts and actionsof the person he’s talking to. Even when he’s not using the ability he has away with persuasion. 

I also like the idea of him having omniligualism (thepower to speak all languages) or a similar variant that allows him to be easilyunderstood by and communicate with anyone despite language barriers.

I had an earlier ideathat everyone’s powers, where applicable, would be based on their original lion’spowers in vld canon? I’ve mostly scrapped that at this point but I do stilllike the idea of Lance having a sort of echolocation type of thing- maybe morelike he can feel the vibrations of structures around him and instantly puttogether a mental-map of the area. If he knocks against the outside wall of abuilding then he can feel out the layout of the interior, along those lines.Think Toph Beifong.

I also wanna give him low-level telekinesis because I think he’d had fun with that lol.

Shiro: 

I actually likethe idea of Shiro not having any powers originally; the Galra imbued him withsome abilities through his prosthetic arm that he wasn’t born with. The worst one isthe power to manipulate and deconstruct organic matter; the Galra intended forhim to use it to destroy and kill, but I had a thought I liked a lot where Shiro takesownership of it after they save him from the brainwashing, and he eventuallylearns to use it to heal and becomes the team’s go-to doctor.

I might scrap the idea ofhim not originally having any powers, depends if I can come up with anything.Maybe I can go back to my they-have-their-og-lion’s-powers idea and give himteleportation, and he eventually learns how to do it mentally and can astralproject.

Okay actually NightCrawler is my favourite superhero and I’m gonna fuckin let Shiro nightcrawl,fight me.

Pidge: 

Technopathy,obviously!!! She can do pretty much anything with technology, and I wasthinking that similar to VLD canon where Pidge adds her own modifications to herlion to give it new powers, in this AU she makes a lot of devices of her ownthrough her technopathy that give her access to a lot of manufactured superpowers eg. Invisibility/cloaking,electricity manipulation, some other cool stuff idk yet.

She also has eideticmemory and low-level telekinesis which she mostly just uses to help herretrieve objects in her lab when she’s hyperfocused and doesn’t wanna get up. 

Hunk: 

Hunk is an empath, which makes him goodat intelligence gathering because he can detect when people are lying throughtheir emotions. 

Also had animation/”life spark” down as a possibility, which isthe ability to bring inanimate objects temporarily to life; his creationsfollow his directions but their sentience levels are very low and they have noemotional intelligence. E.g he could hypothetically create an army out ofshopping mall dummies to fight for him, which probably wouldn’t do much physical damagebut would work as a good distraction while he hightails it outta there. Alsowould be a very good intimidation tactic cos that would be a terrifying sightahaha

Idk I don’t have a lot ofother good ideas for Hunk someone help me

Coran:

Enhanced memory, though not photographic or near-infalliable like Pidge’s is, and he’s kinda useless with it (mostly just usesit to subject people to long-winded anecdotes about his crazy life)

Omnilingualism. Thinks this makes him a gooddiplomat but historically it’s just gotten him into trouble with more people.

He’s spent the entire time since Voltron’sdisbandment guarding Allura while she’s asleep, protecting her from assassinationattempts, so it’d be cool if he had some other kind of power that allowed himto do this easily? Not anything flashy, an ability that a lot of people wouldunderestimate or dismiss as harmless, but something that’s let him keep themboth safe while she’s so vulnerable.  

AND THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT FOR NOW I hope it sounds interesting??? It’s kinda a complicated mess atm but I have fun thinking about this AU and I’d like to do something with it soon.

It’d be a mess of cheesy sci-fi drama and angst and found family so like,,, all good things. Thank you for asking about it I love to rant about my projects lmao

[fairycosmos]

hey there I don't want to bother you but I know you went to a therapist for some time (r u still going there? ) and I feel like I need to go to one too but I am too scared to make an appointment because I feel like I'm not bad enough and I would take time away from someone who really needs it more than me. How did you manage to make an appointment and did you tell your parents? Thanks for your answer in advance I hope you have a nice day/evening ❤️❤️

hey!! ur not bothering me!! i didn’t ever see like a privatized therapist cause i cant afford it, just a counselor, but still it helped a bit. no, i don’t go anymore tho lol, it didn’t really work out. but honestly, fear of reaching out is an extremely natural part of the process. it’s step one of accepting what you have to do. it’s so so common, it’d almost be weird if you weren’t a bit scared. processing that fear is fine, but letting it control you is not. the first time i spoke to the receptionist about it on the phone i nearly had a fuckin panic attack, but she was v professional and it was fine. the fact always remains that it will be okay, regardless of the anxiety that you’re feeling. your brain will try literally any tactic to convince you not to talk to someone, because it wants you to self isolate further, but that’s the same part of your mind that is making you feel so bad in the first place, you know? it’s a vicious cycle, but you CAN break it. you’re completely capable of doing so. and there’s no such thing as ‘not being bad enough’. that’s a myth. if you feel the need to ask for help, then you need help. that’s all there is to it. if you’re struggling, no matter how insignificant it feels, you are completely entitled to seek the guidance that you need, just like everyone else is. it may take a while before you actually believe it, but you can start acting like you believe it by truly making your mental health a priority. mental illness looks different on everybody, right? it manifests in different ways, it’s a very broad term, so there’s no point in comparing yourself to others in order to convince yourself not to make an appointment. listen, if everyone waited until they were literally having a break down before they did something about it, it would end in chaos. it’s better to go as soon as possible, because then they can prevent the issue from worsening.

i made an appointment through my GP, so they actually rang me, which is why i didn’t have to build up my confidence or anything. it was just sort of sprung on me lol. maybe if you talk to your usual doctor, he/she can refer you to someone, and they can get in touch with you so you can just get it out of the way? my mum knew i was going to see someone. i didn’t have to ‘tell her’ per se cause we’re all mentally ill in this house, and she had seen my anxiety/depression taking over my life, so she was expecting it. also i was like just about to turn 18 so it’s not like she’s super involved in my health anymore. but honestly, telling your parents doesn’t have to be a big deal if you dont want it to be. i dont know what sort of dynamic you have with them, but if they have your best interests at heart then they will be fine with it. they’ll probably even encourage it once they realize it’s going to help you overcome the pain that you’re in. you don’t have to go into great detail when you talk to them if you don’t want to, just let them know that you’re not doing so well and you need some emotional support from a professional. i just want to say i’m v proud of you for getting to this point and for accepting that you need to talk to someone. it’s such a positive sign that you’re being fully cooperative with such an important goal. i know you can do it. it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be. they’ll set up an appointment, and the first few wont be too intense or anything - the therapist will let you take it at your own pace, one step at a time. you won’t regret looking after yourself, i promise. it all starts with the initial action of picking up the phone or sitting down to chat with your parents. dont think about it too much, just do it when you can. i’m rooting for you a lot dude and i really hope you’re able to find some peace of mind. sending all my love. and thank you so much for being a sweetheart!! have a beautiful day ❤️❤️

[hottmessexpresss]

**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/

[united-we-stand-politics]

Another Trumpet Bites The Dust

So, I got called a "creep" for defending Biden against this dumb fuckery. I'm a creep because they were embarrassed...... not because they reflected for TEN SECONDS and realized, okay you have a point. This DOES make me look like a hypocrite and quietly deleting the post hoping no one else would see it. They did it because they knew DAMN WELL how WRONG they really were and can't stand how much they embarrassed THEMSELF. The typical Chump supporter is a fellow narcissist and the narcissistic personality can never admit fault, even when they're caught RED HANDED. They post all this crap about Holy Trump this, and Godsend Trump that, and then post something criticizing another for the EXACT SAME THING?! There's a word for that.

hypocrite

 noun

hyp·​o·​crite | \ ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit  \

Definition of hypocrite

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

I wonder if they realize that they are the literal definition of this word when it comes to definitions 1 and 2? 🤣🤣

So, here's what happened. Sean Hannity tried to make a big deal of #JoeBiden kissing his own granddaughter on the lips. I don't BELIEVE that I have to explain this, but some families do that. I kiss my daughter on the cheek, but she's a mouth kisser. So, I kiss her on the mouth. I researched this a few years ago when she started doing this as I was raised to kiss the cheek and felt weird about it. What I found was that child psychologists say there's nothing wrong with it and in fact, encourage it in some instances. Truth be told - there's no "right way" to show affection to your children, loved ones and that any affection shown to a child is a good thing.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election/biden-kiss-granddaughter-lips-hannity-trump-ivanka-a9315351.html

Now, it's one thing to talk about someone politically, but to say the things that some are saying about him is just plain wrong. Imagine someone said that about you...?! Not to mention the fact that the guy these people support has ACTUALLY been ACCUSED of sexual assault by over FIFTY women, two of which were minors, one of which came out with her allegations against Trump and Epstein BEFORE the election and BEFORE Epstein was EVER accused by anyone else!!! 😲😲

https://www.snopes.com/news/2016/06/23/donald-trump-rape-lawsuit/amp/

I find it rather hypocritical, ignorant and foolish, (not to mention embarrassing), how Trump's base constantly accuses others of doing the same exact shit that Trump does, with NO EVIDENCE to back up their claims WHATSOEVER. That is HIS granddaughter and she seemed perfectly content to me. You'd think they'd learn after they got caught doctoring that one video of Joe Biden, Jeff Sessions and his grandkid. It turns out that the video was doctored by a "YouTuber". (Surprise, surprise.) They call these "deep fake" videos, mostly purported by the right.

Furthermore, by their own standards, Trump HAS to be a child molester. If pictures of kissing a family member on the mouth makes one a child molester, than he is guilty as all get out. I highly doubt they would like to address the PLETHORA of pictures and videos of Trump inappropriately touching his daughter at young ages? Or do they not know anything about that? (Of COURSE they know.) Or is it okay because no matter what that PIG does, people back him up anyway because the non-existent-never-gonna-happen wall is more important? (Racism at it's HEIGHT).

Picture 1:

Ivanka and her Dad at age 14. His hand is under her breast. He must be a child molester!

Picture 2:

Ivanka at age 14 being inappropriately touched by her father.

Picture 3:

At age 17 sitting on her Dad's lap. Sorry. That's a bit inappropriate in my OPINION. He must be a child molester.

Picture 4:

Ivanka at age 15. Her Dad's hand around her hip again. I find this also inappropriate. He must be a child molester per your observations.

Pictures 5-7:

The Trumps in 2017. His hand is on her hips while his fingers rest on his daughter's ASS. DEFINITELY not cool. He must be a child molester!!

Pictures 8-9:

And last but not least, TRUMP KISSING HIS OWN DAUGHTER ON THE LIPS.

They walked into that one, just like Hannity did. He's the epitome of a hypocrite, so I'd steer clear of repeating anything he says if you folks want people to ever take you seriously.

Now, at the end of the day, I ALWAYS do my research. I read...a LOT... and I am VERY intelligent. I know the difference between real accusations and a smear campaign, especially after Trump got CAUGHT smearing Biden, Yovanovich, and several others. (This is why you can't just spew forth anything that comes to the top of your head. No one believes you - even when you're telling the truth.) Now... Joe Biden is one of those touchy feely people. I'M A TOUCHY FEELY TYPE OF PERSON. I DARE someone to call ME a child molester. Im not Joe!! I'll find you and beat the fuckin brakes off of you. But, since Joe IS A GOOD PERSON, he put out a statement saying he understands why some might misconstrue his intentions. That's funny, because I sure the hell can't. I can tell you that I am a VERY affectionate person and no one has EVER accused me of such a thing. Why? Besides the obvious, it's not NORMAL to compare a touchy feely personality WITH A CHILD MOLESTER!!!!!!!!!! What the actual fuck, man? I'm sick of these dirty politics and Russian propaganda in my face every day. No offense to the Trump supporters on my buddy list, but if this post describes you, than you need to WAKE UP. Joe took the HIGH ROAD. He not only answered to his incredible allegations, and said that he would work on not being so touchy feely in the future.

https://youtu.be/1jc5Ec8SWQk

So, now all you have left is the very real lawsuit against Trump for RAPING a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. Make a post of your outrage at this incident or SHUT THE FUCK UP because no one worth a fuck is falling for it.

I will also explain WHY this doesn't make sense EITHER WAY you spin it, to those of you who STILL just don't GET IT. Let's say for shits and giggles that yesterday I posted something nasty about another clean addict on the methadone clinic and said that they weren't really clean. Then today, I post something else congratulating a different methadone patient on their "sobriety". Now, would you be able to take ANYTHING I said in the future regarding addiction, or anything else for that matter, seriously? No. Of course you wouldn't. Why? Because you would have seen that I had contradicted myself via hypocrisy. You would have seen that I had already stated that I don't believe such a person is clean, so why the FUCK would I congratulate someone for something I believed they were NOT. I WOULDN'T. I'm not a hypocrite. You do the math. 😉😉❤❤

[myvelouri]

Update:

Well I have hsv-1

That's basically saying I have herpes. Um. I literally haven't been with anyone. The only girl I was with doesn't have it. I asked her back then and she had been tested and everything too.

Um. I kissed a random girl who's name I can't even remember WAY back then. I'm wondering if I got it from that.

So my parents are being retarded and saying oh it's not the "bad one" and oh everyone has it. NAH NIGGA, herpes is fucking herpes. It doesn't matter where .

I'm not totally sure that's the only problem. But maybe. I don't have it on my dick. I basically get these scabs in my nose. You can't always see it. But it's really painful. Sometimes I get a horrible painful fever. And yeah. It's been happening every month.

The doctor is down playing it. Acting like I'm not supposed to freak out. Like, first of all, this fucks up my future possible relationships, this fucks up just having fun, sure, that's all there. But the thing that's really fucking me up is how bad I'm affected when I get this shit coming back, the pain, the fever, being bed ridden. My body can't handle this well.

Apparently 90 percent of the population has hsv. Apparently all of you would test positive for this too.

The doc, a specialist was so unclear. Maybe a bit of a language barrier. I kept asking, so is it MRSA in my nose I keep getting, or herpes.

I'm so angry. When this first happenened, I went to the doctors and adamant about it being herpes. They kept saying it's not. Like hardcore about it not being herpes. They said what I have isn't what herpes does.

So to be fucking honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't FUCKING get it. I just have the bloodwork that says I have hsv-1. Even the doctor said he has that and he would also get a positive result from that. Like. Okay. He said he hasn't had a flare up in 30-49 years.

He's so old fashioned that he said to forget girls. (Lol yeah okay) and forget drinking, drugs and bad friends.

Like dude. I don't do any of that shit. But I'm so young. I'm not forgetting girls. Are you nuts.

He said focus on school and your degree. And get married. BRO I DONT WANT TO BE MARRIED

And for FUCKS sake, I AM focusing on school and working. What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? I'm here because I keep getting sick every month, because I keep getting so ill that I become bed ridden for 3 weeks. EVERY MONTH. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WORK AND STUDY WITH THAT SHIT HAPPENING. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I haven't been sleeping around or anything to be honest. I've hit on girls but I do that so I can get to know them first. Like, I'm not trying to hit on girls just to fuck and go. I LIKE people, it's not, it's not like I'm trying to just fuckin be a hoe. I try to make friends, if we have sex, we have sex, big deal. But I won't just fuck anybody. And I'm devastated

I'm devastated. Literally everyone I know has sex constantly, new people every month, I swear all my friends are hooking up so much. None of them get any STI or STDs. Me? I was in a relationship for 3+ years, got out, kissed a girl and your telling me I got herpes? LOL.

KILL ME.

I'm such a clean freak too. So I feel disgusting having this. I also have that other virus... But that one will go away, it's not permanent.

I absolutely haven't been with anyone so I don't know how I got that virus either.

Also my back pain hasn't been properly addressed. I don't know what's going on... It's bad. Very bad.

I can't believe the specialist looked at my bloodwork and said everything looks good. Ffs it says I have hsv. He said I have no STDs. This is just fucking WORDS. I have an STI, right? You think I give a fuck if I have a DISEASE over an INFECTION? they're both as bad as one another to me. Ffs this is for life. Apparently the flare ups might stop after a while.

I'm not contagious. I don't have any flare up now. In fact, when I get the scabs, well, last time I had it, it went away in like ten days and it was a lot more mild than before. So I'm hoping it just never comes back again.

I told my family to get tested too. Cause I don't see how I got this. It's absolutely ridiculous and absurd. My luck can't be this bad. Are you kidding me.

Am I gross now?

I am really thinking about suicide and ways to kill myself. This was the last straw. After everything I've had to endure that a lot of people probably wouldn't have by now, with all the extreme bad luck, this? This was a fucking satirical joke I used to say to myself "lol bet I'd have all these sex problems, body problems, health problems, everything but I BET I'LL GET AN STD/STI WITH THE FIRST PERSON I'M WITH LOL" and now it's reality. Are you fucking kidding me.

And don't give me that shit, where I'm being told "well, people live with cancer" FUCK YOU, I've done that my whole life and with every single ailment I've had and CURRENTLY live WITH. I'M DONE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT, OR HOW BAD THEY HAVE IT, I USED TO SAY THAT TO MYSELF. "Man, other people have it worse, I shouldn't complain, I can't." NAH, FUCK THAT. I'M HURTING AND I'M TIRED OF ACTING LIKE IT DOESN'T COUNT -JUST- CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE HAS IT WORSE. As if I don't already know. It makes me feel WORSE knowing people are out there having a worse time than me. It does NOTHING to help me, it's just awful. Everything

[myvelouri]

I'm feeling so bad so went to my job to get this awesome nightmare before Christmas figurine set I saved at work when I closed last night. They didn't let me buy it after closing! Such assholes!

So, yeah I ran into my coworker, that one that's younger but she looks alternative as fuck. She's got tattoos, she has thick rimmed glasses, she wears black pants, she looks like she listens to rock lol, but she doesn't really. She's got matte black nails too. I'm clearly too old for her though because she said her parents are strict and would freak out if we hung out or something, I try to hang out with her cause she's actually really fuckin chill. It makes me sad a bit that we can't hang out.

But yeah ffs everytime I go to my job she ends up being there, it's a coincidence, I swear, but I joke around with her you know. And I usually take her shifts if I need any. Other co-workers see me and they think I'm trying to get with her. Look, just cause I'm talking to her doesn't mean I'm trying to fuck her! I actually didn't, but I'm somewhat starting to like her. She just got a fuckin septum piercing! I was like did you always have that and I just didn't notice?! And she's like no this is new. And she had her hair a lil curly but the top pinned back, man she looked cute as fuck, I didn't say anything. But I told her she looks different lmao. I don't know. I told her I paint my nails matte black too, but ppl freak out so I don't anymore.. she said fuck them just do it. Our other annoying coworker came and he was trying to get her to do his work! She wasn't having it. And legit I told him he does the same thing to me. I've even told her he does that! We both get tired of him lol.

I don't know. I'm the one who usually messages her first. Actually the only times she messages me is work related. It sucks. I can tell. So I mean, it might just be that she doesn't want to be close since I'm older or something. I guess. Hm

Oh well.

I still don't feel that much better. I'm so scared of this virus I have. I can't have sex let alone masturbate, for who knows how long. Do you know how devastating that is? And I have to be very careful as my dad is on medicine that totally suppresses his immune system since he has an autoimmune disease, rhumatoid arthritis. Poor Dad. And so yeah, I CAN NOT pass this virus on to him, it would never go away. And I feel like filth. The stress of having to be constantly aware of this... It's taking a toll too. How am I supposed to do this for potentially up to 2 years?... Or forever?... No.. it goes away. I wish I knew how I got it.

My coworker, I would rather call her my friend but I don't know, same gal, she actually got her tattoos the same place I got my ears pierced lmao. She uh, she was interested in hearing about my tattoo ideas so it seems she does like talking to me, you know? She said she wants to have everything done while she can cause in her field of work she can't have these piercings and such. I said by then it'll probably be more acceptable. She's going to be a doctor I believe. Smart ass. I'm trying to be a rock star, but also optometrist. I'd love that.

I wanted to talk to her more but every other co-worker gets all googly eyed. Also I don't want to get her in trouble. So I left.

Idk I'll text her sometime... I'm better at talking to her in person though. Whenever we text she seems to end it abruptly after a bit. Hmmmm idk.

I'm so weird now.

I'm weird as fuck now aren't I?

What the hell man