#i also don't like the lack of?? agency ig i feel from a lot of the analysis of last night when it comes to tina

[lionheartedmusings]

also yes q!bad is manipulative but let it be known that q!tina literally knows? that he's a manipulative liar?

i simply feel like we need to give q!tina just a little bit more credit in that interaction (and in general to be completely honest) because she blatantly answered his forest burning metaphor with "i was thinking about starting some fires to help the ecosystem myself"?

yes, she wants to be included and to be alone and feel lost is maddening. q!bad recognises that because he feels the same way, and it's obvious he cares about q!tina a lot, all tests and schemes put aside. he won't *stop* his tests, but hey... if q!tina can be useful and he can help her feel a part of something?? win win!

this is a mess of a post but TL;DR: this whole interaction was quite literally just grey, no black or white to be seen? yes, q!bad is manipulative and devious but have you considered that maybe as long as the people on her off list are good, q!tina doesn't care?

let them be morally grey together!! they both need company!!! let them be awful together!!!!!!

[jcs-singular-slut-strand]

@sandumilfshou

Okay, I didn't really explain myself when answering my previous anon, so I'm gonna do that now as well as the new editions (warning: i am a hater)

Chengxian:

Chenxian compels me so much, childhood romance, what could've been, body mutilation on two linked occasions. What more do you want? I understand why people despise it, however I am a JC stan and honestly just want at least one person from his teen years to still be with him and love him. I think that he deserves it.

Xicheng:

I am not a xicheng enjoyer. I feel like every fanfic I read of them is just Lan Xichen taming and flattening Jiang Cheng's "bad" emotions. They dull down his character until he's nothing more than a plain digestive biscuit, and all for a man. There's also something of a running theme in Jiang Cheng ships where a lot of them are centred around WWX, and I fully believe that Xicheng is one of them. "Oh, my brother has a Lan? Well then so am I!" Guys pls let him have his own things 🙏

Zhanchengxian:

I don't really have any opinions on this other than good luck trying to write the Jiang Cheng x Lan Wangji dynamic in character whilst also making it romantic and not ooc, I feel for you. I think that this is 100% just WWX trying to tie all the people he loves to himself and never let them go again, which isnt exactly healthy but where's the fun in the ship if it is. Imo, it's 50/50 on whether or not we get diluting juice Jiang Cheng or not, which can be a bit tricky. I do however understand it for the porn. Which is nice ig.

Wangningxian:

You are a WWX enjoyer and like it when he is happy. Fair enough. I think the relationship regarding Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian (platonic and otherwise) is really under explored in this fandom along with Wen Ning's lack of agency and autonomy, which would be really interesting if worked into this trio. I'm always a bit worried about Lan Wangji and throuples, just in case Lan Xichen's curse is biological.

[dayurno]

Hmm I definitely agree with most of your rant regarding neils ao3 characterization, with the idea that gay relationships can't be written as heteronormative, honestly especially if one of them is gender nonconforming, and I do think some of the dislike around his character can be from a place of transmisogyny. And people who ask for more masc4masc and fem4fem couples are a bit dumb. But I still have a bone to pick with his characterization on ao3 and I can't put my finger on whyyyy

Maybe, it's because (and I'm speaking about the state of the fandom back around 3??or 4?? Years ago when I would actively go through the tags and look for fanfiction and neil was my fave) it was always neil bottoming in every fic ever, no matter what character he was being shipped with in the fic, but like a lot of these fics or even the ones that weren't explicit would have something happen to him where he was the victim or he needed to be coddled and comforted by everyone else, and while I don't think neil is impervious and will never feel and inch of distress in his life, i can't help but think it's a bit ooc (not that there's anything wrong with ooc fic) and it's like neil can also be dangerous and has the capacity to hurt ppl and can be a dickhead but I don't think alot of fic back then showed that? They'd just call him sassy maybe he'd make a few quips and that's it. I think theres a lot of fics out there that wipe out his complexity ig. Maybe I just hate his characterization bc I wanna be a contrarion and I find his characterization boring if it's like that because you can find it in any fandom assigned bottom ever and ive seen it too much so i wanted to see a switch up or its more about his personality being written and less about being feminine and bottoming though i do think the ppl who write him being more feminine also tend to write his character a certain way. But like I also cant help but wonder where it comes from, like it's neil written like this and rarely ever andrew so

Back when I was younger I used to think people in fandoms would make the character who revieves the more feminine one, maybe it's bc it makes it easier to relate and project, or maybe it's bc it makes it easier to contend with a gay relationship if you can fit into like heteronormative boxes bc that's what's familiar to you and that's what you know and see everywhere, or maybe it is just people being fetishistic but now I don't know🤔 also I do think top neil or dom neil is just kinda fun like you said to me kandrew r more the type to have vanilla missionary sex their whole lives but neil would be more adventurous and willing to try new things, he also has cheek and audacity which is cute, like a puppy

Sorry this is so long, I've just thought about it before and has no one to discuss it with

no need to apologize i asked for opinions after all!!!!!!!

i see what you mean re: neil losing his edge, and i do think that it happens a lot with him because he is the protagonist and a prominent character in the vast majority of aftg fics, but i wouldn't say the same de-fanging process doesn't happen to andrew. the fandom has made it a point to soften all of andrew's edges; it's one of the most common bones people pick with nora that she never gives into the idea that andrew becomes a normal, well-adjusted, life-loving member of society post-canon. whether i enjoy andrew in a softer way or not is irrelevant, but i think this is definitely not a neil-only phenomena. i wouldn't even say it's really more pronounced when it's neil! i just think that helplessness, that lack of agency and bite, is a staple of most fandom content because it's self-indulgent and forces characters to act on their relationships by asking for and receiving help from their peers, whatever it might look like for each specific fandom

now i will say that i don't think that the process of making characters wholesome and ultimately consumable has anything to do with whether they are written as feminine or not; whether they are only in a receiving position or not. sexual preferences and gender presentations are inherently neutral: they don't say anything about a person's personality. i think neil bottoming being such a popular trope is just due to a natural consequence of how andrew and neil's relationship is presented in the books — andrew as someone who, at the point of where canon stops, physically cannot allow himself to be on the receiving end of any sexual act, and neil, who loves him and wants to help andrew to find pleasure in whatever way he can. it's the dynamic we're given in the original text, so it's what people tend to think about more.

of course i'm not saying it never overlaps with neil's excessive sanitizing and de-fanging, and it might as well be, for some people, that neil's acquiescence to andrew having control of what they do in bed is an entirely justifiable reason for writing him in a more feminine way. my opinion is, i think, just that that is not inherently immoral — that feminine people with those sexual preferences exist, and at times might even find that their gender presentation plays a big role in why they prefer to interact with sex the way they do. the history of femme pillow princesses in the lesbian community is vast, just as is the history of stone top butches. these minor niches don't imply that all feminine and masculine people must respectively bottom and top, but we do no one a favor by disregarding their experiences when they are a big part of how queer people do sex. i think we fall into old conservative myths when we moralize sexual preferences; i think we try to conform to cisheteronormative ideals when we deny gender presentations that are inherently tied to sex.

and just as a personal comment, i actually agree with you about neil being written as a perpetual, helpless victim and losing his agency. i don't enjoy it. i think it is born from indulgence, born from projection and wish fulfilment, but indulgence isn't immoral. projection and wish fulfilment aren't immoral, either. and, while i don't like the sanitization of aftg characters, i think it is less a character or fandom-specific issue and more of a material consequence of late stage capitalism; it's a symptom of a sickness that goes beyond our little constructed world, and one we should discuss, in my opinion, outside of the boundaries of fandom and individual guilt

i guess my tl;dr is that sometimes things are bad and we have to sit with their right to exist anyway. and my general tl;dr is that we help no one when we go out of our ways to condemn and criticize content where one of the characters is gender non-conforming because of said gender nonconformity. and, ultimately, that what we are missing is more fanfiction about kevin day in tiny tennis skirts

[darkfrost-star]

Dang, I didn't even know people were doing that. I probably had the highest amount of frustrations and grievances regarding the Green / not / Leaf debate. All of that is entirely tied into my childhood coping mechanism to promised self-indulgence fic that grew up with me. And the uncanny valley of their similar design had me tearing my hair out, metaphorically. I've opt to settle this the way Pokemon generally tends to run "same character, different people" in the way they make cross-canon counterparts. But the issue arises in how while yes, LGPE is an entirely different timeline, making that idea viable; unlike any of the protagonist duos, excluding Kris, Leaf NEVER exists as an NPC if you choose the other avatar. And that's just what player characters are: avatars. Pokemas breaks away from that and gives them starter mons and personalities that I personally feel aren't the "end all" for their canon. As there's so many universes and alt timelines and simply the fact the developers do want players to interpret it however we like or simply don't because it would break our brains. [According to some interview: but really it's the sacred creed of video games anyways.] It goes against a lot to establish a canon for characters intentionally kept and made to be vague: hence, the constant Pidgey in the face when animating game-verse and lack of speaking lines. Look at Pokemas!May and the one from Evolutions. Or the way some treat Ethan and Gold differently when it comes to personality. Or even the black-haired!Red from LGPE based on Gen 1 and the Gen 3 brown-haired spikey flare Red we see continue into Alola. They are the same character despite it all. Just different in the hands of who made them, and those people are not the final authority. Pokemon has no canon to me. It's like Marvel and it's many retellings of Superhero stories. So many agencies get their hands on this story, it's more of a genre now. Did you know there's a manga out there for ORAS where Brendan is split into two twin brothers for Omega and Alpha? This stuff just happens. For all intents and purposes, Green is the third Pallet trainer. Her and Leaf fulfill the same role in the trio. She will never exist as a fourth girl beside them. Her design is to me, what it would have been had she been included in Gen 1, as Red and Blue's designs also reflect Gen 1 not Gen 3. Her different personality is because she is an NPC playing as a rival character for the first time ever in a canon game-verse appearance (even if an AU timeline) (also why we were blessed to have speaking lines for her in Evolution) while Pokemas does whatever the heck it wants with their own personality canonizations. For main characters in Pokemas are always going to get on someone's nerves because they have to commit to certain playthrough routes for the characters, the hero or the friend, etc, and surface level personalities while NPCs like Gym Leaders or supporting cast feel more accurate; because there's an actual canon to pull from. For what it may count for though, there is official merch out there showing Leaf with Squirtle, Gengar, and Clefable. Sound familiar eh? I suppose the best compromise at this point is to stick with our own preferences and not invalidate others. This goes fully for the anti-Green = Leaf crowd because their stance makes up the majority of Leaf posts and arguments. Generally YouTube LMAO I started staying away from there. Meanwhile, ig Pokemon will continue to mix and match what they want treating their characters like jpeg dolls and driving us up the wall with uncanny valley. See: Akari and Dawn, Lucas and Rei. Implications galore everywhere, multiverse is real and apparently it can hurt us haha. Sorry for the info dump.

Yeah Ikr! I guess it comes to show that people will make up anything to defend their stance on an argument. This is exactly why I have a problem with the idea of making them another Kris and Lyra 2.0 situation, it just feels way too forced because of their strong design similarities and how they’re obviously derived from another. At least Lyra was made from scratch as wasn’t derived from Kris and it shows, as the only significant design similarity they have is the gravity defying ponytails. Green and Leaf on the other hand? They just look like the same person wearing somewhat different outfits! They have the same hair color and hair style, the exact same shirt/collar pattern, and even the same yellow bag! And tbh, I think they are strong together than they are separate, as if they’re split into two different entities, then that means that Green never got the chance to be a playable character, and likewise Leaf never got the chance to appear as an NPC in any of the mainline games, and that is just unfair to me. 

And yes I definitely agree with you on the idea that Green and Leaf are AU versions of the same character, I mean it should be very obvious. Also yeah, even if pokemas exists people are still allowed to have their own interpretations of the characters, even my headcanons for them aren’t one to one with how they portray the protags!

And that’s not even mentioning pokespe, with all of its wild interpretations of the protag’s personalities that totally seem to come out of left field! They literally made Lucas (Diamond) a pokemon trainer version of Chowder for example! And oh wow, I had no idea that there was manga out there that made the two versions of Brendan twin brothers, kinda reminds me of that one manga that makes Classic! Red and Remake! Red two different people as well…  Also tbh I never even felt like LGPE! Green was all that different personality wise from PMEX! Leaf in the first place, as they both have that cheerful and feisty pokemon enthusiast/fanatic characterization going on. The only real difference is that Green is a bit more competitive and mischievous, whereas Leaf is more wholesome. But again, that probably comes from the fact that she plays the role of the rival in LGPE, as you said. It really does come to show that the TPC will always experiment with different personalities for all the different variants of their protag characters. Also EXACTLY, Leaf is literally associated with half of Green’s team in official merchandise man! That’s another reason why I can’t bring myself into thinking they’re somehow completely different… 

[leftneb]

okay well it's time to come out of hiding because you made some points in here that I, a supposed expert on my own life, did not come to think of before but are SO spot on that they've changed how I viewed some things about myself tbh

oh my god,,,, oh my god can I,,,,, can I kiss you on the forehead,,,,,, this is possibly the most beautiful ask I've ever received.

first of all, thank YOU for indulging me in this, and I do take forehead kisses c: I hope you don't mind an even longer essay because boy oh boy do I have Thoughts and Feelings. this is once again going to be way too many words of me talking about myself (really hope I managed to say something that is interesting to you because I enjoyed your essay greatly)

it's not that he can't put himself out there and be loud if he wants to, it's more so that any time he tried to in the past, it didn't... work. It was like everyone was operating on different assumptions than him, or getting different signals. And that repeated experience beat him down to the Lando we see in the fic.

this is such a genius way to phrase this that it made me reevaluate how I view some things about my own life!

even as a wee lad I was incredibly sensitive to any sort of negative feedback (or reactions that weren't explicitly positive tbh) because of the types of interactions I saw at home. I was used to an air of tension and the feeling that a fight (thankfully mostly verbal with the rare appearance of a slammed door) could break out if anyone even looked slightly wrong, or didn't say exactly what the other person wanted them to. I had assumed that all social interaction was a sort of mental game you had to "win" or get an all perfect score on, otherwise there would be consequences. a signal I recieved often was "you got something wrong and I think less of you because of it" even before my bitchass elementary school classmates ACTUALLY started giving me that signal. I didn't know what to do with that apart from feeling intense and frankly irrational amounts of guilt and rejection and fear.

I quite litterally WAS operating on different assumptions and getting different signals. I saw the entire world as a sort of stilted, fucked up, evil version of reality. because of this I was terrified to put myself out there for a long, long time.

I wanted to emphasize the loneliness with this overarching sense of... helplessness. And that's the reason it was so painful to Lando at certain points in his life -- the perceived lack of agency.

this is a really interesting thought to me because I've actually been on both sides of the coin, per se. I've had times where I legitimately had no way to better things for myself, and I later spent a lot of time falsely believing I had no choice and consequently dragging out that period of helplessness. both situations suck majorly

it hurts to know that I did the most I could and yet continued to suffer despite it. at the time (and before I sat down to write this essay tbh like I changed my mind on this matter halfway through writing lmao) I did not believe I had any choice at all, because even though I WAS doing everything in my power, my situation didn't improve considerably. I guess it was a one step forward two steps backward kind of situation (because of factors that were actually entirely out of my control but that's another essay for another day)

and that lack of agency really does hurt, it feels like you're trapped, like there's no conceivable way out, a bit like you're doomed ig. a cycle I frequently (though less so nowadays thankfully) fall back into is thinking it will all happen again, that every time I pick myself back up it's all going to be for nothing, that it's futile, that what I do doesn't actually matter in the long run. I think that's also a perieved lack of agency in a way. like even if I do something it won't change anything, it's like I never tried at all. which is never the reality btw it IS always worth it

(I realised after writing the next paragraph that it is even more tangential than usual and potentially incoherent so read it at your own risk lmao)

the fic didn't cover enough time for Lando (or Oscar) to get to that point but I think it's more than likely they'd have setbacks and, (for the lack of a better word) relapses into their previous mentalities. you mention later on that Lando's realisation that he DOES have agency is a huge switch in his mentality which is honestly maybe more correct than you realise? or at least for me I sometimes notice myself suddenly becoming a lot more pessimistic and just, viewing the world through a different lens. and I suddenly realise that I've slipped back into an old version of myself. one that felt like the world was against him and that he was helpless against it. and that difference between attitudes is huge and palpable, I had to reflect a on a lot things people had said/done to me because at the time their motivations weren't in my emotional vocabulary, like I just didn't have the receptors for them.

I had a lot of reoccurring nightmares about going back to my previous school this time last year. they've stopped since I realised I actually had a choice to change things going forward

apathy as a misrepresentation for acceptance

what a beautiful way to phrase that honestly..... I stuck with people that were largely toxic and horrible to me because I NEEDED acceptance and I needed to be acknowledged. nowadays I think of a lot of my elementary school friendships sort of, distantly. like I could have been any poor sod with catastrophically low self-esteem, and they could've been any other narcissist in development. I wasn't really appreciated as a person but it kept me from feeling like I've disappeared alltogether. Charles and Lando very much fall into that trope I think.

(I'm not sure if you've ever heard of schema therapy but it deals with basically this exact type of pattern. where people who have specific types of "damage" gravitate towards certain types of relationships, usually the dynamics they're used to. apart from finding the concept incredibly interesting it's also helped me a lot. I really recommend you look into it tbh it's top tier for thinking about emotions and more specifically relationship dynamics)

I wanted him to be angry because I wanted him to be grieving. I wanted him to be mad at himself for letting himself get to this point, and I wanted him to feel that ambiguous, hard-to-pinpoint anger that comes with mourning.

god, yeah. ow. spot on. in a situation like this, where you COULD have done something to help yourself but you just, didn't. when you feel like you let yourself down, let it happen, and let yourself suffer you can't help but be angry at yourself. but also the at the world at large. understanding that I did do everything in my power has helped soothe that anger but. right after I'd put into words what I've been feeling in the past.... 10 years of my life, I had a week where I could not be around people without feeling absolutely murderous. I ended up taking a day off school and just sobbing to my heart's content. it really really is a process of grief in all aspects. I'd missed out on a pretty large chunk of my formative years, that is time I am never ever getting back. I had to mourn a childhood I never got to have (also in part because of the aformentioned factors that I will not fit into this essay). which as you yourself have deduced: fucking hurts

What I really loved about the resolution to this dynamic though, is that they didn't actually change -- Lando still gives, and Oscar still takes. But it's the connotation, the feeling behind the behavior, that shifts. They didn't have to change who they were, intrinsically, to find love that leaves them feeling safe.

I cannot find it in me to piece together the words that could possibly even come close to describing how I feel about this. apart from maybe sobbing crying throwing up because what the fuck. you cant just SAY THAT. GIVE A MAN A WARNING???? (also you did understand what I mean by "supersitions"!)

that is to say, what a beautiful mind you have. what I find incredibly special about human relationships is that you can be "damaged" and "broken" and there will inevitably be someone out there, who may be as fucked up as you, that will cherish you for all of what you are. and that despite (or often because) of hardship we'll continue to find connections that matter. the few times I've sat down and wrote something of my own it's been about exactly that. just being heard, and understood, and appreciated even a little matters. so much

in a way I found my own Oscar (god he's gonna laugh at me so hard when he reads that). or Oscars ig, in the sense that I have people around me that I actually care about me as a person and that I care about dearly. and I've found communities (including this one!) where I finally feel appreciated, because of people who aren't afraid to express that.

the concept that I can just be a silly little guy doing my silly little drawings and tippy-tappying away on my puter and people will, like, look at that. and pay attention to it. and they'll remember it. remember ME. is an absolutely wild and still unfathomable concept to me tbh. funnily enough my psychologist has been telling me for YEARS that I should start putting my art out there and I just didn't believe her because I didn't think anyone would notice. so not to repeat myself or anything but, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

no notes, all of that is just real

This must have been kinda scary to admit, even on anon

I think needless to say your words did very very much matter to me. I thought what better way to show than to be honest, yk? also I need to point out that you basically described my entire life experience by coincidence, just for the sake of thinking about emotion. like I cannot overstate how impressive (and for me personally a little terrifying like I didn't even need to be present to be psychonanlized) that truly is.

I do not have the words to express my appreciation to you (for 1. writing the fic in the first place 2. being absolutely lovely all the damn time 3. indulging me in my impromptu therapy session 4. litterally changing the way I view my life 5. remaining lovely) so I say each word in this PhD thesis of a tumblr post counts for 1 forehead kiss to u!!! (as of writing this paragraph that is about 1900 words)

also I want to acknowledge how objectively funny it is that I did this on anon considering I could have just dm'd you in the first place. altough we've established by now that I have a ✨ crippling fear of rejection✨ so I think you get. why I did this the way I did. still a very funny predicament to have put myself in. no regrets tho

I keep thinking about your portrayal of Lando in Impasse of Biting (and this is going to be very personal and possibly somewhat incorrect so feel free to skip it yk) and I've decided to just write my thesis on it because fuck it why not

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable, it all flows so naturally I've never had to think twice about what the scenery is or where/how the characters are physically because it just stays, and this story stuck with me with a level of detail not many have. full disclosure I did not reread the fic before writing this (to preserve sanity) so some details might be off regardless. anyways.

what immediately stands out about Lando is how alone he feels, that he's isolated on a much deeper level than just being introverted would get you. the way I think about this is basically: when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is. events in your life, the actions you take, maybe even the things you think or want don't feel like they're in your control, they're not really connected to you. and since you're obviously different than those around you in how you process basically everything you become painfully alone. ("fun" fact I wasn't really able to relate to basically any fictional character for a looooooong time. they had motives and reasons for their actions. I didn't feel I had anything to do with that.) it's like you're an observer of your own life, playing a passive role rather than being alive, you don't feel like a person at all sometimes (which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

the way Lando then broke free of that, stood up for himself (because he realised he deserved to and could just do that) meant, like, a lot to me. just seeing my own experience reflected back at me like that, and then seeing Lando overcoming it gave me a lot of,,, not really hope (thankfully I did already battle it out) but more like, reassurance that no matter what I would've gotten away from that mentality (eventually). that I would not have been stuck in my own mind for the rest of my life. we don't really find out in detail why Lando turned out like that, but I know why I did, and for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that. and it took a lot out of me emotionally, and sometimes I'm still afraid I might slip back or that in some alternate universe I never made it out. seeing someone else go through something very similar and leaving that situation happy meant. more than I can describe tbh

altough Oscar's character had less of an effect on me (tbf there's not really a fair comparison to be made) there is still a lot to be said about his complete refusal to accept himself as he is, that he had to be shown that he CAN and deserves to be loved before he even considered letting himself take what he needs also resonated with me a lot. in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved (idk if that wording makes sense tbh you might have to read my mind here soz)

it also stood out to me how Lando irl was a very shy (and likely lonely) teenager, who would actually find his confidence and subsequently very lively personality later in life. which I think is less a consciously written parallel and more like a characteristic of him that's naturally adapted into a lot of rpf works (I still find it noteworthy tho). and I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it (and completely feel free to not answer that btw) never before in my life have I been able to talk to someone about this very specific type of loneliness and felt like they actually understood. like when I explain it logically everyone can imagine it, but I don't think you can truly get it unless you've been through it yourself, which thankfully not many have.

I'm not usually the type of person to cry reading fics no matter how deeply miserable they make me (ex: Casual by loquarocoeur. that fic ruined my life but I never truly felt like crying about it) EXCEPT for when they resonate with me on a personal level apparently because I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me. I needed that I think, so above all thank you (as you can tell I've thought about this a totally normal and healthy amount, I also think it's important to let people know when they've had an impact on you so here we are) (even if I'm too much of a pussy to not do this out of anon lmao)

- anon with the "letting go" answer to the smut poll thing (getting such a positive response to that gave me the motivation to write this so like, keep being lovely c:) (and ps. I'm not gonna say sorry for sending you a literal essay because that would be lying and lying is bad but for the record, I did NOT intend for this to be nearly 1k words long and I completely understand if it was intimidating enough to be skipped or procrastinated)

(impasse of biting)

oh my god,,,, oh my god can I,,,,, can I kiss you on the forehead,,,,,, this is possibly the most beautiful ask I've ever received. And, despite you not having read it a second time, you are SO right on so many fronts. In fact, some of these points are almost word for word lifted from my rambling to the homies on discord during the writing/brainstorming process.

I hope you don't mind a small essay in response, ft. some screenshots (if I can find them).

the way you describe a scene is always just so. vivid to me. like all the details and the subtleties make it palpable

I've said it a million times, but this is always the highest praise imaginable to me. I never believed in settings/scene descriptions as my strongest point, especially considering my aphantasia. I'll go cry now.

when you treat/perceive life as if it was happening TO you without having a say in it, in a way you're not living in the same world everyone else is.

I swear I said nearly this exact thing, word for word, to someone while I was planning this fic. It's the one screenshot I can't find, and I'm pulling my hair out about it, but in short: Y E S. That's exactly the brand of loneliness I wanted to describe. Because Lando's issue isn't introversion, it's not that he can't put himself out there and be loud if he wants to, it's more so that any time he tried to in the past, it didn't... work. It was like everyone was operating on different assumptions than him, or getting different signals. And that repeated experience beat him down to the Lando we see in the fic.

It reminds me of this comment I made:

I wanted to emphasize the loneliness with this overarching sense of... helplessness. And that's the reason it was so painful to Lando at certain points in his life -- the perceived lack of agency.

(which is why I think Charles' proposition has such a grip on him. it's a promise to be seen, wanted, needed. to be a real person with a palpable effect on their surroundings, to fill out a place in the world. to be known)

You get it! You get it!!!!!!!! I was also thinking about why Lando would stay with Charles despite it not really getting better. Like, yes, the urge to be seen and wanted and needed would get him in his grip, but why would Lando stay? And I realized it all came back to the idea of apathy as a misrepresentation for acceptance:

for a long time I felt like my life was taken away from me in a sense, I had to mourn that.

First of all, I'm really really glad that you've gotten yourself to a better place in your life -- and I'm glad that reading this helped you feel seen and understood in your journey. This specific wording really resonated with the way I tried to show Lando's relationship to his lot in life; I wanted him to be angry because I wanted him to be grieving. I wanted him to be mad at himself for letting himself get to this point, and I wanted him to feel that ambiguous, hard-to-pinpoint anger that comes with mourning.

Him being mad at himself felt really key to his character development, because it exemplifies him taking control of his own life. By getting mad, by being ignited from the inside, we see that he realizes it was, to an extent, always in his control -- and he chose to let himself watch life happen. Obviously the reality may not have been that simple, but the mentality switch felt really vital to me.

in my mind they connect through their respective superstitions of being loved

I totally may be misunderstanding you here (sorry!), but I definitely see what you mean here -- and I agree! The fact that they both have equal but opposite... hang ups about love and life is part of what brings them together. Lando believes he's only good for giving and resents that, Oscar believes he's only designed to take, and he would rather die than give in to it. What I really loved about the resolution to this dynamic though, is that they didn't actually change -- Lando still gives, and Oscar still takes. But it's the connotation, the feeling behind the behavior, that shifts. They didn't have to change who they were, intrinsically, to find love that leaves them feeling safe.

I don't know how much you, the author, ever experienced that, but admittedly I am curious about it

Hmmmmm I'm honestly not sure that I've felt this exact brand of loneliness before, but I used to frequently grapple with like... the fear that I was living life correctly, especially when I was younger. I lived a very straight and narrow life in high school, I didn't party in college, I didn't have my first partner until I was 23, etc etc. A lot of the milestones that felt really normal to my peers just... didn't happen to me.

It's all tied pretty intricately to my asexuality, I've realized, but I described my relationship to a lot of the world as feeling like a doll, or maybe a large scale art piece. I was admired a lot, aesthetically, but I didn't really exist in the same way that a lot of "women" (ish) did.

So, no. Probably not what you went through at all, but perhaps a different genre of it :) I just like thinking about emotions hahahaha. Though my DMs are always open if you'd like to talk more about this sort of thing, I contemplate it often <333

I quite literally cried myself to sleep after Impasse. like it GOT to me

This must have been kinda scary to admit, even on anon, but jesus christ THANK YOU. I never imagine any of my works like, resonating with people. Mattering at all, really. I still don't entirely believe that people read the nonsense I put out there. But god, this is like.... it. It's possibly all a casual writer could ever hope to achieve. Thank you again, I don't even have the words <3333333333333333333333

so like, keep being lovely c:

NO U!!!!!!!!!!!! MWUAH!!!!

[oof-big-oof]

ACOTAR and Setups Part II: Tamlin and Rhysand

SPOILERS: ACOTAR series (and Macbeth too ig)

Part 1: Feyre

In "Macbeth", Macbeth and Banquo are narrative foils to each other. While Banquo is loyal to the king and uses language of growth and imagery of nature when he speaks, the traitor Macbeth's words are full of references to destruction, fire, and unholy happenings. Foils are not just good ways to explore character traits, but also excellent for setting up conflicts and exploring the thematic concerns of the world.

I think it's safe to say Tamlin and Rhysand are foils. They have opposing imagery (spring, flowers and sun for Tamlin, winter, snow and night for Rhysand) and always stand in opposition to each other when it comes to Feyre's narrative, switching in and out of being the "bad guy" and the "good guy". But the way this is handled is .... eh.

I'm going to look at shifts in Feyre, Tamlin and Rhys that work of this foil - and try to look for when and how they were set up.

1. Feyre's shift - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

In the first book, Tamlin is a source of protection and love for Feyre. But by the second book, Feyre is not only struggling with her PTSD but has begun to realise that life at the Spring Court as a dolled up accessory might not be for her. By the end of the book, she has found her place in the Night Court - by Rhysand's side. And honestly? Go girl! Go live up to your potential!

The problem arises with how this is done - that is, Sarah J Mass never does the brunt work of showing us why Feyre cares. It is plausible she is motivated by a desire to protect the human lands, but we never actually see that. There isn't a moment where she realises she needs to work for a greater good, or a moment she realises that she needs to protect those more vulnerable than her - instead, the narrative has her tolerating abuse until she finally has had enough.

Which is great. I have got to admit that I really like the explicit rejection of a happily ever after storyline for Feyre because it took away her agency. But we get this radical shift in character motivation from wanting to be protected and comfortable with those she loves to desiring agency and understanding of herself in two lines:

"The girl who had needed to be protected and who had craved stability and comfort... she had died Under the Mountain"

and

"I didn't know how to go back to those things. To being docile"

hhhhhh. I mean - if you have to say it that explicitly, you're already doing something wrong. But also, why? We never see Feyre struggling with herself in her new body, and wondering why she does not want the same things as she did when she was a human, never see an impetus point for when her desires shifted.

But honestly? I don't mind Feyre's arc. I think it's a bit confused and lacks clarity or intent, and as a result, it is harder to root for her because you don't quite know what she wants, but I think it's still quite good. Where I really have problems are with Tamlin ad Rhys.

2. Tamlin - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

I am not a fan of Tamlin's arc. You could argue that it is part of the thematic message of the series: that things are not as they seem. Tamlin is the wolf to the savour to the abuser, Rhysand is the "most beautiful man " Feyre had ever seen to Amarantha's monster to Feyre's eventual mate. But - the constant twists are unnecessary, more importantly, they and have little to no foreshadowing and just seem like retcons- making it seem as if they are there to keep the audience guessing rather than genuine plot progressions. This becomes even more obvious when the series abandons its core theme of "appearance vs reality" altogether, and as a result loses a lot of its cohesion: a direct consequence of having a bad setup.

His reason for doing the abusive things he does is conveyed to us in two lines, in the same monologue that Feyre's motivation is:

"Tamlin had gotten his powers back, had become whole again - become that protector and provider he wished to be"

Sure. He was much more powerful than Feyre when they first met, so I am having a hard time buying it is the return of the powers that his making him act this way. We know that his actions come from a genuine desire to protect Feyre - this is the guy that was willing to sacrifice his life multiple times and the future of his entire court to keep her safe. The only justification we have left then for the way he acts is that his PTSD, borne out of the trauma and torture he underwent and watched Feyre undergo changed him in some way.

This is why the endless villainizing of Tamlin makes me really uncomfortable. While it is true that the abused can become the abuser, and figuring out how to help them while protecting yourself is something that absolutely needs to be discussed and explored - the way it is done with Tamlin is horrendous because he is never given a chance to heal. Instead, he is thrown from plot point to plot point, an eternal punching bag for the Inner Circle and others to seem morally superior in front of.

And his treatment of Feyre is just weird. If he's so concerned about her safety - why does he not wake up when she has nightmares? Is he instead trying to pretend like everything is okay - if so why does he give Feyre an escort of guards? If his core motivation is protecting Feyre at all costs - why does he lash out at her?? And the text really tries to tell us how to feel about him in this regard, but it doesn't do it very well. For example, take the scene where Tamlin says "There is no such thing as a High Lady". Feyre a second before expressed her desire not to take on any responsibility, and Tamlin responded with this - and the text really makes us want to hate him for it, but all you can see is a person who is perhaps not the best at reading subtext trying his best.

In conclusion - Tamlin's shift to the villain of the narrative is hamhanded and underexplained, making it hard to genuinely hate him, and further confusing the narrative.

3. Rhys the foil gets the girl - TW: discussions of abuse, sexual assault mental health issues

Rhysand in the first book is interesting - he clearly has a heart and a soft spot for Feyre but is also a schemer with dubious motives that drugs and sexually harasses Feyre. There are places in the set up where we understand he cares - but never where we can begin to see he might be a genuine paragon of virtue.

And I will address this more in my post on ACOMAF, but the point I am trying to make here is: we are told through the constantly opposing imagery that Rhys and Tamlin are wolds apart - but never actually given examples of how. Rhys is said to be different from Tamlin because he respects Feyre's choice - but he drugs her in a bunch of weird scenes (that serve no clear narrative purpose by the way - like what was he trying to achieve? why he couldn't he just let Feyre in on that part of the plan?) and withholds information from her about life-threatening situations. Rhys is said to pull less rank - but we multiple times see others defer to him, especially in later books, and never actually see rank being enforced in Tamlin's court with his treatment of Lucien (many times described as his partner, and openly questioning him) and later Ianthe. Rhys is said to have less archaic laws in opposition to Tamlin's Tithe - but he abandons the Court of Nightmares to the monsters who rule it, and never takes serious actions against the Illyrian people who clip of women's wings, and a lot of Tamlin's idea of racial superiority and general superiority just come completely out of left field in the middle of ACOMAF.

Both of them are problematic - it's just that the text tells us to root for one, without actually showing us how one is better, or setting up any clear ideological difference between them. And that cheapens Feyre's character shift and lessen the efficacy of the foil - turning it into Feyre hopping from one lover to the other with little to no character consistency and no nuanced exploration of the theme of the series or trauma.

[space-malex]

There's lots of back and forth on who Victor should be with, but all s1 and s2 showed me is that Victor isn't cut out to be anyone's partner at this point in his life. He did Mia dirty and couldn't even properly apologize for it in s2 and the Victor who actually prioritized Benji's happiness and tried to take all responsibility for their kiss with Derek so they can keep dating disappeared in s2. He couldn't even articulate that breaking Benji's trust was wrong with spilling his secret to Rahim, let alone understand him at any point during the season. I don't know if it's supposed to be an international character flaw to be worked on or if the writers think having everything from Victor's POV is a good excuse, but it bothers me a lot. I really thought Malex was the height of showrunner bias and uneven writing, but Venji is so much worse. Alex at least always had a POV and a well-defined personality I could easily empathize with. You can't pile a ton of trauma on a character and never explore it, especially if it's supposed to be half of your main ship. I don't know how reflective a Twitter poll is of the audience split (the one they did on Instagram was much more overwhelmingly in favour of Venji, but they also don't show how many people voted), but it's not surprising that a dynamic that was basically written to be pretty much perfect so far and a fun alternative for the main ship's drama is appealing to so many people. They could have easily sold Venji better this season as a couple. They can lay a better foundation for future romantic them if they spend real time together platonically in s3 and stop putting each other on pedestals. They can also ruin what's appealing about Vahim with drama in s3. It's anyone's guess how s3 is going to play out. All I know is if Venji is still the endgame, I don't want a redo of s1 with Victor trying to work harder at a relationship he ultimately doesn't want to be in than he ever tried to make it work with the guy he's supposedly in love with. That's a recipe for disaster. A lot of shows are guilty of never showing us an endgame ship actually working on screen before putting them back together at the end of the show. I really want better here.

A lot to unpack

Victor did apologize to Mia, said he loves her and never meant to hurt her. It’s a bit complicated because Victor never went into the relationship with bad intentions and it took him the majority of the season to come to terms with his sexuality. Yes, he should’ve ended it right away when he figured it out, and he shouldn’t have kissed Benji when he was still with her. But still, there is a fine line here because there’s only so much of an apology Victor can give without it feeling like he’s apologizing for who he is, for being gay, and that’s not something he needs to feel sorry for. I think we should also keep in mind that Mia had her little thing with Andrew at the same time and never told Victor about it. She didn’t cheat or anything (or when he kissed her she stopped it) but she had obvious feelings for Andrew that she hadn’t dealt with. Luckily they finally got resolved in s2 but they were definitely there when she was still with Victor.

Now, what is it with this Victor slander in my house? He and Benji were pretty much constantly arguing or making up, but I’ve rarely seen people apologize to someone else as many times as Victor did to Benji about things that weren’t even his fault. He spent all season apologizing for his mother, even though he has no control over what she thinks or does, but also assured Benji that she is trying and that she is getting better. And he would know that better than Benji because he knows his mother and Benji does not. Or apologizing for not being ready to come out to everyone. And then turned around and did it anyway, which was what he wanted to do, but it also felt a lot about Benji and something he was doing for him as well. Which, fine, it’s Victor’s decision and he didn’t regret doing it. But then when there were consequences that hurt him by his team being homophobic, Benji first shrugs them off and then encourages Victor to quit the team so that he’s not around homophobic people. Which okay, first of all homophobes exist everywhere but I digress. Victor was miserable after he quit the basketball team. It’s not actually what he wanted to do, and he loves basketball, and Benji had no respect for that either. He acted like basketball with some kind of leftover heteroness that needed to be expelled from Victor. And he talked shit about it with his friends right in front of Victor. In fact, every time Victor tried to express himself, he would be essentially shut down by Benji and end up apologizing. Until episode 6 with the birthday and episode 8 after Isabel caught them together.

So look, I don’t think Benji had to tell Victor anything about his alcoholism because it’s his personal business and it’s really difficult to talk about something like that and it was definitely up to him when he wanted to open up. But then he turned around and was basically pissed at Victor for knowing even though Victor found out by accident. And then he refused to talk about it. And then when Victor expressed his hurt that Benji didn’t want to talk to him, Benji responded by completely attacking Victor and straight up saying it was exhausting work being with him bc he’s got a religious homophobic mom and is newly gay. Like….what?? 

Benji judged Victor for 1) being a jock 2) his mother and 3) being a baby gay. Victor never once judged Benji for his alcohol problems, he was just hurt Benji didn’t share with him. He didn’t judge Benji for anything else for that matter. He definitely shouldn’t have told Rahim about Benji, even though I do understand he needed someone to open up to and he trusts Rahim, it was a violation of Benji’s trust and not okay. But that’s like…the only bad thing Victor has done all season.

As for the pov thing- it wouldn’t be such a big deal if they actually developed Benji as a character, which they have not. We get no moments of him where he’s not with Victor (except the one conversation with Isabel, which was about Victor). If you’re going to have a character not share about their life to the protagonist, you need to find another way to share it with the audience. It leads to a disconnect and lack of emotional investment in Benji for many people. The fact that I feel I know Rahim better after 5 episodes than I do Benji after 20 is saying something. But the writing has given Rahim development that it hasn’t given Benji. It’s not surprising a lot of people in the audience are feeling more connected to Rahim as a result. Polls are never the most reliable thing since it depends on who sees them and how many people (twitters was about 20k respondents iirc but no idea about ig). I see a lot of vahim shipping on twitter and ig, tumblr not so much. But I will say I’ve seen people coming around on vahim who are watching the season now, as opposed to the smaller number who immediately watched the moment it came out, went in shipping Victor and Benji and had a knee jerk reaction about the possibility of another romance for Victor.

This is not comparable to malex in any way so I have no clue why you’re bringing them up.

And personally, I was never invested in Victor and Benji’s relationship. Even in s1 I was like 🤷🏻‍♀️ And now, with or without vahim, I think Victor and Benji should break up. They’re just not a great couple and I feel like the show would do well to make it okay for your first relationship to not necessarily be right for you. Especially for a gay couple because that like…NEVER happens on tv. It doesn’t take anything away from what v*nji mean to each other. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. I didn’t start shipping vahim bc of anything with v*nji directly, I just loved their dynamic. I love seeing Victor light up. I love seeing him comfortable instead of constantly feeling insecure and apologetic. To me, vahim connect in a way v*nji do not.

Victor did not develop feelings for Rahim just because he was having issues with Benji. Just like Benji did not develop feelings for Victor just because he was having issues with Derek. Implying that does a disservice to both relationships and kinda takes agency away from a character and their feelings. But I want him and Benji to end things for real before anything happens with Rahim. Which might mean trying to make it work for a while longer. 

We will see!!

[darrowsrising]

I prefer character driven stories, simply because I like to feel things for characters. I want to get emotionally invested. I don't like going on a journey with someone I have no feelings for, you know. I mean, I can do it, but I can't do it forever, if you catch my drift.

I read incredible stories with plot-driven characters and while I appreciate the stories, as they are masterful and intriguing, the fact that I can't get attached to the characters and I get frustrated with their lack of agency (whether intentional or not on the writer's part) doesn't endear them to me, if that makes sense. I mean, while they are great, they are not something I will obssess over for the rest of my life.

Basically, it's not the plot driven characters or the story, it's me. I simply find it hard to deal with - the frustration of reading about characters who get blown in the wind. It hits too close to home in a way. I'd rather be frustrated by a character's own choices that led to disaster (that are well-written and make sense) than having to deal with 'destiny'. That destiny can be so well-written and make so much sense for the entire carefully constructed story...I just don't...like it.

About Lyria, well...you should say it. It frustrates me when people are so hypocritical. Ephraim did so many shitty things in IG and there is only so much Z you can blame it on, yet somehow Lyria is getting all the hatred, while he is just a poor boy. Yes, I said what I said.

Lyria is a leaf in the wind at first, but she gets plenty agency in Dark Age. But yes, I realize she wasn't an immediate taste from the start. I too started to like her after she escaped.

Thing is, every new character perspective is frustrating, because we as readers know much more than they are even aware. They have to get put of their own ingrained ways to get the bigger picture. And still, some of them don't even try (ahem, Lysander). But Lyria did change. She realized a lot of things and recognized her own people's fault in the Red Hand problem - Gammas never shared supplies, not even extremely necessary medicine. And while that doesn't excuse Harmony, doesn't mean Gammas weren't wrong. Whilein Iron Gold Lyria says it was better under the old regime, in Dark Age, she realizes the unfairness of the system and also understand that while Reaper brought freedom, he can't garantee happiness too - that you make your own.

People saying that 'she lost what made her special' with Figment as if It wasn't broken and she had to navigate it her own cunning, is DUMB. The hatred for her is unjustifiable under these reasons. Sure, I get it, you aren't obligated to like Lyria, but using the above reasons to hate on her? Despicable.

Not to mention all the fan art I see in which she is white-washed. I refuse to share/reblog any artist who pretends to care about 'accuracy and/or diversity', but simply can't be bothered to read about Lyria's description, which is in her very first chapter (where, guess what? She says she has brown skin and curly hair! Not only that, but the world-building bits she gives about where she lives? The climate, women wrapping their hair with cloth, etc).

Lyria of Lagalos deserves better - not from the author who gave her the very best plot Dark Age had to offer, but from the fans of the series.

How do you prefer your characters - driving the plot or driven by the plot?

My kneejerk reaction is to say it depends on the story! And it does! But when I think a little more, I realize it’s easier for me to get invested in active characters over passive ones.

I’m going to make this about Red Rising because of course I am. 😆 Darrow is the most plot-driving-ist character to ever drive a plot. (In modern literature anyway. Edmond Dantès will always be the king of driving his own story.) That’s why we all love Darrow, though, right? At least one reason of many. He’s got goals, he achieves them. We get sucked into his story easily because his sheer force of will is so mesmerizing. I wish he’d relax once in awhile but his ability to power through any inconvenience to achieve his goals is admirable. I wish I had even a sliver of the energy for this stuff that he has. He’s like Allura from Voltron in that way. Always in motion, always fighting for a cause that benefits the entire universe, rather than for themselves.

This got me thinking about Lyria and why so many people don’t like her POV as much as the others. I think it’s partially because she is passive, driven by the plot, a leaf blowing in the wind created by other character’s actions, for most of Iron Gold, and the impression stuck. I could be petty and point out that Ephraim also got pushed and pulled by the choices of other characters in Iron Gold, and people like him a lot... but I won’t. 😇

I can sort of understand it. Not the vehement hate part, I’ll never understand that, but I can understand why so many people didn’t click with Lyria at first in Iron Gold. I’ve always liked Lyria, but I didn’t start getting emotionally invested in her until her escape from the back of Ephraim’s hovercar. Before that, I enjoyed her POV mostly for the worldbuilding it provided, but not her as a person, really. Then suddenly she was running through the slums of Hyperion, being chased by Obsidians, and that was thrilling. Watching her choose between either disappearing into the city to avoid punishment, or turning herself into the authorities because it’s the right thing to do, was the moment she clicked for me as a person I enjoy following. It was the first time she showed agency, and in Dark Age, she only got better and better at driving her own plot. Spitting acid on would be rapists? Hell yes, girl!

So that’s why I’ll say it really depends on the story but I lean heavily toward characters who are active and drive the plot. I’m curious about other people’s thoughts on this, so please feel free to chime in!