#i already quit but I have a few more weeks. I'm scared to be unemployed and embarassed. I want to help my family

[m1dnight-blu3]

someone please free me from the shackles of my ableist job so I can read my books, draw and write my silly little fics in PEACE

[fitgothgirl]

Long post incoming, so coloring key points just to help even my own eyes.

I'm pretty high-functioning right now, but I feel so not okay under it all. I'm applying for jobs. I go to the gym. I grocery shop. I clean. But I feel awful.

Being unemployed is making me feel worse the longer it goes - especially with how little I'm even hearing back on all my applications. I just feel so inadequate as a person overall (sucks that capitalism instills such feelings). And I feel guilty for doing anything but applying for jobs, even if I've already applied to a bunch that day; I feel guilty for going to the gym or watching TV or doing anything fun.

I've been wanting to make this pivot to bartending, knowing I would need start as a barback or server and applying as such, but I'm getting so discouraged. The last few days I've gone back to searching/applying for healthcare admin jobs, including front desk which I used to do and swore I wouldn't do again. But if I was already resolved to not WFH for a while by bartending, and I'm not getting anywhere with that, then I may as well not WFH at a day job in something I have experience in. I'm keeping in mind that regardless of my next job, it's all temporary until I get my CPC certification, so there's a light at the end of the (relatively short) tunnel if I end up in something I'm not thrilled with. But I'm now starting to feel silly for thinking about bartending; did I really do the hyperfocus thing again and get too excited over a prospect that I'm not quite capable of yet only for it to leave me wondering what I was thinking afterwards? I was trying to be aware at the time and asking myself if that was what was happening, but I didn't think it was. I honestly have always been interested in bartending, but now this Cointreau and vermouth and bitters and stuff is on our bar counter and I look at it and I just kinda feel like an idiot.

I had been drinking too often as it was before I lost my job but when I got fired it got a lot worse - no days without alcohol for over a month, probably getting drunk close to half the time - and now my stomach has had a sort of sudden change and I'm having problems I've never had before and it's making me nervous; it scared me into suddenly not drinking for 2 days, followed by a day with 1 drink, followed by two more no-alcohol days. Last night I did have a few though, but they kinda just made me feel shitty and I'm motivated to not drink again today. But it's also scary because I don't have fucking health insurance right now until Medi-Cal (Medicaid) approves me, which could still be a couple more weeks (i.e. a total of 6 weeks since I applied). Just gotta do what I can on my own for now. I often overreact about my health though, so fingers crossed this is just that.

It's not lost on me that I'm seeking out bartending yet obviously have periods where I can't seem to control my alcohol. I can't imagine drinking while working a job like that though (plus it's illegal for bartenders to drink on the clock anyway). If it's anything like barista-ing, which I know it is but even crazier/harder, I'd want to be as clear-headed and locked in as possible lol. But I'm not going to sit here and act like it would be an ideal job for someone trying to control their drinking with just being in that environment so often and having the thought it in one's head so much. So idk maybe it's best I just give up on it. I even still wanted to do it parttime on nights/weekends when I got my CPC cert/got a day job (as I was wanting to do before I lost my job), but maybe I shouldn't. But a big reason for bartending was also the good money they can make and I want that to get out of debt. Ugh idkkkkkkk. I guess I could just do serving... If someone would hire me, that is. But ugh all these thoughts are making me feel so mixed up and lost!!

And separate from all this work stuff is the fact that I've been wanting to talk to my bf about some stuff but can't bring myself to do it. The conflict avoidance in me is so strong... And it isn't even necessarily a "conflict," but my brain interprets it as such. It's so hard for me because any time there's been a Talk™️ in my life, it ends up a conflict, and I end up wrong. I end up crying and/or apologizing and/or fawning. Like, I'm not just getting this anxiety out of nowhere, I feel like I've really been taught through life experience that I'm just wrong all the time. Developed by my dad growing up, then my ex did his absolute best to compound & reinforce it. I know I need to "do it scared, do it with your voice shaking, do it with your hands trembling, but do it," or whatever that saying is, because until then I'm being a bad partner by not communicating. It doesn't help that we gel so well that we never fight or get heated because we both feel like so few things are worth getting upset over, so I don't actually have a lot of practice in this area, which is both a good thing and a bad thing obviously. But this is all dumb because I'm not even upset!! This isn't a talk like that!! I want to talk to him because I love him and I want to be open with him about my needs and I want to strengthen our relationship and I want him to be happy & healthy in his own right. I would want him to express his needs or hold me accountable, how can I not do the same for him? Why am I so focused on worst case scenario? Why am I so convinced this will be a negative conversation?? (Oh yeah all that aforementioned past experience stuff lolz. But I need to get over it...)

I just. My heart hurts a lot of the time. I keep ripping up my cuticles. I can't seem to stem the negative self-talk. I miss my therapist but can't get myself to reach out, but I'm also wondering what more she can do for me at this point (which is maybe why she hasn't reached out either?). Little things make me feel inordinately bad about myself, like the hummingbird feeder has been empty for a while, or my plants need watering, or even the fact that I haven't started decorating for Halloween yet, etc. I also feel like I should be doing all of the house chores that come up rather than half, which I don't think is wrong with being unemployed and my bf covering bills, but whenever I do clean it just weighs the reminder on me that I'm jobless and "inadequate." I want to cook for him too but idk why I get so nervous about that; he's a great cook, and when I cook for myself it's good, but imagining cooking for him makes me feel like it's going to be inedible shit for some reason lol...

I don't really know how to end this but I guess I'm done writing for now so... End 🙃

[c-u-r-s-e-d-i-m-a-g-e-s]

okokok

So this isn't my usual kind of post, but I have GOT to get this off my chest and I want ppl to Know

Heads up for Project Zomboid story/gameplay spoilers. If you care about surprises and really experiencing it completely for yourself, play the game.

This isn't going to be some groundbreaking essay. Just me trying to pour out my feelings for this.

ok so. enough stalling. here goes nothing.

I love apocalypse games. They're a lot of fun. Fallout is great, Mad Max is fun, and I LOVE Metro.

But none of them really. Got To Me, y'know?

At least, not until I played Project Zomboid.

This is a game that opens up with the phrase "This Is How You Died" if that says anything.

You're just. Some Person. You're not some super soldier, you don't have any powers, you're not going to kick ass. You're just a person. A mechanic, or a fire fighter, or a cook at the fast food restaurant down the road. Hell, maybe you're even unemployed.

You're just a person. Thrown into this apocalyptic hellscape.

But that's not all.

When you start, it isn't quite the apocalypse. You've got power, you've got water. You can turn on your TV and watch a kids show.

My point is that it's not quite over. It's the beginning of the end. The starting point.

You can watch a talk show. The hosts will talk about what's happening in Knox County. How it's contained. How it's scary, but no one's dead, no one's hurt.

While you're standing on the corpses of what were once your neighbors.

So the whole media begins to fall to hell from there. It only gets worse. Take this transcript, for example:

You're on the NNR Network.

What matters to you. What matters to America.

Now we're here in the primary military camp south of Louisville.

NNR have exclusive access to General John McGrew's operations today.

Let me introduce you to Professor Jake Wilson.

Now Professor Wilson, I understand that you're a scientist working with the military?

I am, and I'm here to put a few fears to rest.

People in there: they're in a bad way, but they're still standing.

The symptoms are flu-like, then it's panic and confusion.

The situation remains volatile.

We think it's slowed, maybe transmission has... uh...

It remains volatile. We think it's slowed.

Will they recover?

At this point in time we have no reason to believe they won't recover.

Why can't we talk to them Jake?

We're actually talking to Knox Telecommunications about that right now.

There's a lot of confusion. It could distress.

At this point in time we have no reason to believe they won't recover.

You really think that's a good enough answer for America?

Uh. We have the very best people looking into the samples we've taken.

Jeff Galbraithe, former head scientist at the CDC, says America isn't ready for this.

That chronic underfunding has left us unprepared.

What's your take?

I'm sorry, but that kinda talk's not my place.

We've got a guy who handles this stuff, I'll introduce...

I've already spoken to him several times. Thank you.

And you.

NNR Network: What matters to you, matters to America.

They're still claiming it's fine at this point. Hell, from here, they even continue to insist that it IS contained, that NO ONE is dead. It's fine, it's all good.

It'll be over within the week.

But it's not. Everything continues to drop. As it goes on, a curfew message is added. No matter how terrible the broadcast was, the curfew message stays roughly the same.

The curfew will be enforced until further notice.

Your regional NNR station will have all the details.

So there's this guy, the Woodcraft guy. Can't remember if he has a name or not, but he's always super upbeat.

Several days in, however, his tone COMPLETELY changes. He makes no more jokes, he's tired, he's scared. Then? The show goes offline.

<bzzt>

No more Woodcraft.

The news channels broadcast through most of the first ten days. One in particular deals with interviewing people.

You get the sheer desperation of these people. These folks are at their worst, their weakest, their most scared. You have people spouting conspiracies, and people just wanting help. Wanting to be out.

Hi it's Carla.

You watching the news Carla?

I don't need to see the news, it's outside my front room.

Cars, people... everyone moving North.

How do they look?

Scared. Same as me.

Will you join them?

I've got three children under the age of six.

My husband's been gone a week.

No clue where he is.

I can't go. My kids... and he'll come back maybe.

We've got enough to eat.

We...

<bang> <bang>

Hey! We only want to use the bathroom!

I'm sorry I've got to keep quiet.

Mommy? What's that...

<bang> <bang>

LET US IN! WE CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE!

<crash!>

What are you...

<click> <bzzt> <fzzt>

And it ends. You don't know what happened, but you're left to assume the worst. You watch, all while completely stuck, as the world crumbles to ash outside.

You can keep listening, keep watching, keep fighting your undead family, friends, neighbors, strangers at your door. In the current version, you're the last one left.

There's nothing else out there, just terror and death.

Earlier today we received the following recording.

The voice - that of General John McGrew.

These are the end times.

This is addressed to those unaffected by the second wave of the Knox Infection.

You might know who you are by now.

If you don't, you will in coming days.

The disease will not spread to you as it has to others...

... but through fluid contact, by which I mean bites...

... it surely will.

There was no hope of survival.

The time has come to bear arms against this threat.

They may be your family, they may be your friends.

Do not hesitate to pull the trigger.

These are dark days, but as a nation we can and will prevail.

You have not been forgotten.

We will come for you.

General John McGrew, out.

This is how you died.

<bzzt>

<fzzt>

<wzzt>