#i ain't a fashionista in any way | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

punkscowardschampions · 5 years ago

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Carly & Ali

Carly: 😢💔 Carly: treats not tricks Ali: Baby Ali: You can't say seeing Drew shit himself was anything but a 🍬 Carly: ha Carly: hide & seek? Carly: goldie's gonna b too sad to play unless ur sister steps up her comforting tho Ali: fun Ali: or manhunt Ali: and not a fate I'd wish on anyone, that Ali: he can be on our team, stop him pouting too hard Carly: let him hunt u & he couldn't be happier Carly: even if i offered to take off clothes each time i got found Carly: but you want his boy bestie to find you yea Ali: so telling Ali: Lene would have a field-day Ali: ain't no one's prey, baby Carly: nah hes urs Carly: sweet enough to eat Ali: nah Ali: no one's sweeter than you 🍓🍯 Carly: aw Carly: 🐅💙 Ali: I mean it Ali: you be captain, you pick Carly: cos u havent tasted him yet Carly: u pick & then tell me whos sweetest after Ali: do you want me to or don't you Carly: u wanna Carly: he does Ali: I'm asking what you want, though Carly: i want you to have fun Ali: I am Ali: with you Ali: you don't need to worry Carly: its k & so am i Ali: promise? Carly: ur cute & u dont need to worry Carly: hes just a lad Ali: I know he is Ali: like I knew he'd be a good fit for this trip, that's all Carly: idc if u wanna fuck him on this trip or when we get back is what i mean Carly: u can like him if you don't like him as much as me Ali: I don't like anyone as much as I like you, Carls Carly: is that a truth or a dare? Ali: it's the truth Ali: I don't need to be dared into nothing Ali: I want you Carly: u wanna make me cry i reckon Carly: being 👼 Ali: not even Ali: like you said, if either of us wanted to go there with anyone else, it's a bridge we'd cross as and when Ali: I'm not gonna do anything behind your back, trust me Carly: u don't have to Carly: u can do anything u want Carly: not ur ex Carly: cute as she is its v intense Carly: im letting ur wings stay open Ali: you don't have to be the anti-her, you know Ali: just be you Ali: I care about you, what you want and what you think, just tell me that always Carly: ha what would the anti her b? Carly: ur sister mayb Carly: or drews Ali: either way Ali: not what I'm after Ali: 😬 Carly: idk drews sister is cute Carly: & hed b so mad about it Ali: world's most confusing boner, you mean Carly: 😂 Ali: not looking to blow either of their minds Ali: again, in his case, of course Carly: he's the cutest when he don't know what's happening Carly: like a baby 🐕 Ali: if I was being a bitch I'd say that was always Ali: but I've already wounded his ego too much today Ali: bless him Carly: ha Carly: never heard a boy scream w out being touched Carly: learning things this trip Ali: 😂 Ali: stick with me, babe Carly: 🏫 Ali: not 'til Monday Ali: 👎 Carly: im not gonna go Carly: say it was 👽 Carly: snatched for being this sexy soz Ali: good thinkin' Ali: if they're too squeamish to ask about sickness and diarrhoea, they ain't gonna deepdive into probing, like Carly: or 👻have taken over my body Carly: brb after the exorcism 😈 Ali: shame we ain't kicking it catholic Ali: they'd do it for the fun of, beats a normal day of Carly: @ my gma Carly: shes 😢💔 i dont want jesus inside me Carly: he's too nice like Carly: not my type Ali: could always go for Judas Ali: #hotfriend Carly: o true Ali: plus Iscariot is an amazing last name so Carly: baby we gotta get divorced rn Ali: 💔 Carly: dont b sad Carly: ill b back w a great name u can take Ali: hold you to that, girl 💍⛓ Carly: u can Carly: i love u more than any biblical figures Ali: even Mary Magdalene? 😍😍😍 Carly: dont tell her Ali: keep it between you and me Carly: 💙👼 Ali: you're so cute Carly: you're cuter Ali: nope Ali: I 👑 you the cutest Carly: aw Carly: if it goes to a vote youll win tho Ali: nah Carly: yea Carly: ur sister & ex dont like me Carly: the boys like u more Ali: they ain't got the good taste I do Carly: thats putting yourself down! Carly: they all love u Ali: but I love you Carly: i love u Ali: let's go be alone Carly: yea Carly: shoo the 👻s away for us baby Ali: 🔫🔫🔫 Carly: my hero Ali: you know it Ali: not to be my ex about it either Carly: she did rescue me too first night ever Carly: & shes not that bad Ali: 😒 why don't you marry her Ali: 😉 Carly: too straight Ali: 😂 Ali: we'll show her how straight you are Carly: she invited now? k then Ali: maybe not SEE then Ali: hear Carly: if she hears they all will Carly: sure u want that? Ali: let's deliberate Carly: what does that mean? Ali: that we're gonna start and then I'll see how I'm feeling Carly: o Carly: thats a dare isnt it Ali: if you're up to it, baby Carly: u kno i am Carly: & i can make u be louder than me Carly: if u wanna double dare it Ali: you know I do Carly: yea Carly: i can 👀 Carly: ur eyes r really blue & ur cute face is really pink Ali: it's the 🔥 Carly: nah its me Carly: hotter Ali: not gonna disagree Carly: not what i want u to say Ali: go on then, you 👀 Ali: what do you wanna 👂 Carly: more fun to make it happen Carly: if i tell u course youll say it to be sweet to me Ali: okay, let's play then Carly: where? Ali: don't think we'll be able to stop Marlene coming through if we desecrate her car so Carly: so cute Carly: take our chances w the dead then Ali: you aren't scared anymore, are you? Carly: ive got u to protect me y would i b Ali: and I swear, all treats Ali: or you know, the fun kind of tricks only Carly: ive missed u so much Carly: ur here i kno but scooby gang r too Carly: & yea drews the 🐕 Ali: 😂 omg too real 'cos Caleb is clearly Shaggy Ali: you can be Daphne, babe, I'll allow it Ali: but we can be alone all day Monday, yeah, I promise Carly: which 1 is the hot nerd cuz if its ur sister thats awks boo Carly: soz she loves me if she's the scarf wearing fashionista still tho Carly: ur ex coulda got away w it if it weren't for us pesky kids 😠 Ali: we'll let Meena and her duke it out who wants to be who Ali: I'll have to be Scrappy and I'm not even mad tbh Carly: aw ur that cute Ali: 🥊 Carly: thats y id go anywhere w you even ur exs car Carly: so safe w my baby Ali: always boo Ali: I've got you Carly: hold my hand not cuz im scared Carly: dont let go til u have to Ali: that's a challenge isn't it Carly: if it feels like 1 ill have to b that bitch & throw ur 💍 @ u Ali: 😂 Ali: you know how holdable you are Carly: dont leave me yet k Carly: its so loud in my 🧠 & 💙 how much i dont want u too Ali: I'm not leaving you ever Carly: im not saying u gotta promise me so hard Ali: but I am Ali: 'cos I'm not Ali: I love you now, no matter what Ali: I'm gonna be here for you Carly: i kno u mean it Carly: ur 👼 energy is always around me now Carly: but he's a nice lad who likes u thats not coming around much so don't forget Ali: I'll try not to take that personally, babe 😜 Ali: but I know what you mean Carly: do u cuz being w u is like its still summer @ a party where pretty girls keep telling u ur pretty & the lads who r rides wanna get u drinks & u kno every song thats playing Carly: like being high but w out chasing it or any of the shit u have to do to get 💊 Carly: & it lasts the comedown dont get u Carly: idk its hard to explain cept ive never met anyone like u cuz there isnt Carly: but theres girls & lads same as me everywhere Ali: baby Ali: that isn't true and you've given the proof right there Ali: you've got a poet's soul Ali: you're so special and you don't even know it Ali: that makes you more Carly: ur really magic Carly: im sorry Carly: dont b mad at me Carly: or sad Ali: I'm not Ali: why would I be Ali: like ever Ali: but especially right now Carly: idk Carly: i wasn't ur go to girl for pranking every1 Ali: not because you did something wrong Ali: not because of anything Ali: if I thought about it at all I was just trying to involve everyone, you know Ali: make sure everyone's having a good time Carly: jk 👼 baby i kno ur intentions r pure 💙 Carly: y ur 👑 leader Ali: okay you got me back then Ali: 💚 Carly: ha im full of tricks & treats Ali: 😏 come show me Carly: k

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unqueenlybiscuits · 7 years ago

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Ain't no pie like mah mather's chicken parm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (IN GERMAN ACCENT) What's up? I'm Brüno. (LAUGHING) I live in Austria's coolest city, Vienna.No big deal. Whatever. I am the host of Funkyzeit, the most important TV fashion showin any German-speaking country, apart from Germany. Funkyzeit is über influential. In fact, Austrian fashionistas live their livesaccording to my "In or Out" list. In! Autism. Aus. Chlamydia. Why is autism so cool at the moment? - Because it's funny.- Great. BRÜNO: Through Funkyzeit,ich have done interviews mit everyone in the Euro-fashion world. Can you look into this camera and just say, "You're watching Funkyzeit mit Brüno"? You are watching Funkyzeit programmewith Brüno, and it's really a great show. Yeah, that's cool. Can you do it, like,even more like a kind of black guy? You know, like an afrikanischer... - Like this?- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are watchingFunkyzeit programme with Brüno. Yo, man. Fuck, man. Welcome to the jungle. Something maybe a bit more crazy. Maybe show a bit of skinor something like that. - No, I don't think so.- Or what about just like one Kugelsack? One of the balls? No. And the most excitingand amazing thing in the town, from the fashion streets of Milan,only for the German girls, my great hairs. Yo, man. Modelling, a lot of people think it's easy. But it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it? It's very hard. Standing in heels all day,and everyone's watching you, so you have to make sure your walk is good.And, yeah. Yeah, it's really hard,'cause you've gotta remember, like, to put your right leg forwardand then put your left leg forward and then, like, which one now? Right leg again, and then, like, the left one.And then sometimes you even have to turn. Yeah. And especially the turn. It's so scary. BRÜNO: Being the host from Funkyzeit means Brüno's alwaysseated on the front row. Hi. How are you? You have to lose some weight. - The kettle is calling the pot black.- Oh, yeah? Put your shoulders back.This is a fashion show, not a slave auction. BRÜNO: Mein personal assistant,Kookus, is my rock. He's also mein stylist. - Do you think the glasses are too much?- Yeah, I'd lose them. They're too much like, "Look at me. "Hey, everybody, look at me.Look at my glasses." - Yeah.- "Everybody, like, stare at my glasses." BRÜNO: He's also my nutritionist. (RETCHING) Yeah, that is good. BRÜNO: I have a second assistant,but ich can't remember its name. Brüno has known true love twice in his life. Once, for seven minutes with Millifrom Milli und Vanilli. No big deal. Whatever. But for the last nine years,ich have been head über heels in love mit a pygmy flight attendant called Diesel. We're just like an ordinary couple,you know, boring, stay-at-home types. (GROANS) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - Oh, my God. I feel it. You're getting so big.- (MOANING) Ja. (LAUGHING) DIESEL: Ooh! - How much do you want?- Just half a glass. Otherwise I get too giggly. BRÜNO: In September 2008,I left for Milan Fashion Week to shoot a new season of Funkyzeit. Brüno had backstage access forthe hottest show of the week, de la Prada. So I wore the jewel of mein wardrobe,a suit made entirely out of Velcro. (PEOPLE CHATTERING) I'm wearing this. This is a prototype.It's a Velcro suit made by Frederic Worms. - Wow.- Pretty cool, right? It is. I was looking at it, and can I have one? - Well, it's a prototype. It's a one-off.- Okay. - Thank you.- Yeah. Okay... - Also... Yeah.- Can you go out, please? We'll get out, but don't push me. Yeah. Okay, no listen.We haven't finished the thing. - You go out now.- Yeah. Yeah, wait a second. Take... Get this off... Stop! (PEOPLE CLAMOURING) - Thank you.- Can someone help this guy? Can you take... (CROWD MURMURING) BRÜNO: Wait. Get me out of this.Get me out of this. (CROWD BOOING) BRÜNO: Brüno was aus. For the second time in a century, the world had turnedon Austria's greatest man just because he was brave enoughto try something new. - No.- Okay. BRÜNO: Brüno was schwarz-listed. - I'm on the front row.- I don't think so. (MALE GUARD SPEAKING) I'm sorry. BRÜNO: Und worst of all... Hello? (MAN CHATTERS ON PHONE) ...ich was fired from Funkyzeit. Ich realised that night that the fashion worldwas superficial und vacuous. So, I decided instead to go to Los Angelesto become a celebrity. Ich was going to bethe biggest Austrian superstar since Hitler. What? I'm not coming. - Why not?- Because you out. You humiliate me. - I'm so sorry I humiliate you.- Okay. Gotta go. Bye, baby, I love you. Diesel, I love you. Diesel. (BLOWING NOSE) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) BRÜNO: Ich arrived in LA und cunningly avoidedbeing snapped by the waiting paparazzi. BRÜNO: No photos, please.Do you want another Diana on your hands? BRÜNO: Mein Plan was to become the biggest gay movie starsince Schwarzenegger. Maximum Santzgaut! Also, ich headed to my first meetingmit a Hollywood über agent. So my name's Brüno.I was born in Klagenfurt. I'm 19 years old. And, of course,you'll know me as the host of Funkyzeit. Okay. Well, I understandthat you took a look at a side that I wanted you to think aboutfrom the Jerry Maguire show. And I wouldn't mindhearing you try that out. Okay, great. - "Jerry enters."- No. - "Dorothy seated."- Just start with the word "hello." "Hello. Hello. "I'm looking for my wife! - "Shut up, women." That was improvisation.- Fine. "I couldn't hear your voiceor laugh about it with you." (LAUGHING) - All right, let me stop... Wait.- No, wait, wait. I... Let me stop for two minutes.Let me stop you right there. Nowhere in the script does it say he pauses for an inordinate period of time. You're here becauseyou are looking to do feature films. I wanna be a star. - In?- In a huge Hollywood movie. - Can you make that happen?- No. - What?- I definitely cannot. BRÜNO: But he did get me a starring rolein a top TVshow as an extra. DIRECTOR 1: All right, picture's next.Last looks, please. (SIGHS) CREW MEMBER: Set. DIRECTOR 1: Background.DIRECTOR 2: Action. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon. (BRÜNO CLICKING TONGUE) The defendant, as you know, has served our municipalityfor more than 12 years as city controller. So I was pained to learn that his debts compelled him to accepthundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes. - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- (WHISPERING) Just do a little bit less. - More or less?- Less. - Less. Okay.- Yeah. (WHISPERING) Sure. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) CREW MEMBER: Set.DIRECTOR 2: Action. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm afraid it gives me no pleasure at allto speak to you this afternoon. As you know, the defendant hasserved our municipality as city controller for more than 12 years, and I have known him personallyfor most of that time. So I was very pained to learn that his personal debtscompelled him to accept bribes. - DIRECTOR 1: Cut!- Here, I'll take that. - Okay.- Thank you. (SPEAKING GERMAN) BRÜNO: Sorry. DIRECTOR 1: Should we just go again?DIRECTOR 2: Okay. (SIGHS) As you know, the defendant has served this municipalityas city controller for more than 12 years, and I have personally known himfor most of that time. That is why I was very pained to learn... Cut. Sorry, I'm not feeling this one.Could we go again? This way. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) You were actually my second choice. I was going to go to the salon that maintainsSalma Hayek's inner thighs, but the team that do it were booked upfor the next four days because she's got the Elle Style Awards. And they said they're, like, really,really exhausted after they do her. They're exhaustedafter they wax Salma Hayek? She must have a lot of hair. They say that after a waxing,there's enough to stuff a mattress. Well. Speaking of rectums,let's get you clean. - Okay. There we go.- There's not much. Yeah, sure. (RIPS) There you go. Now there's wax in there. (CELL PHONE RINGING) Telephone. - Hello?- Hey, how you doing, man? Lloyd, hi. How are you? I just got off the phone with the network.They've agreed to do a screening. Great! Das is all maximum Santzgaut! In two days. I got them to payfor a focus group for the show. I think you just scraped my anus. WAXER: I did. I got you clean. BRÜNO: My stinker is slightly burning.Is that normal? What? No, that was to the lady who is...I'm in the salon, yes. She's just washing my Arschwitz. LLO YD: Is there any way we can getsomething together enough to put it on? - Okay, sure.- All right. I'm gonna call them right now. Are you using Vaseline? WAXER: No, lotion. BRÜNO: Could you take your fingerout of my Arschenholer? All right. I think, guys, we're finished. Once again, "Can you take my finger,your finger out of my ass," is what the guy just said on the phone. No, Lloyd, I was not speaking to you.I was just talking to the woman here. Who's got the audio? I want to hear the audio back.I want you to hear... I want you to hear what this fool is saying. Play it back. Talking about what?His asshole. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HUSHING IN GERMAN) Can you be quiet? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Hello, hello. Hey, can you come in? Do any of you guyswant to make some more money? (WHISTLES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) - Hi. How are you?- Hi. - I'm Brüno. Great to have you here.- It's nice to meet you. Come and sit on our great furniture. These are our Mexican chair people. Demi Moore has two of them in her house. Yeah, if you sit here. If you sit on that one. Also, so tell me aboutyour humanitarian work. How important is it for youto help other people? It's like the air that I breatheand the water that I drink. - Please, have some water.- It is extremely, extremely important for me. You give love to other peopleand you get love back in spades. And I just feel like that's been my life. Great. You must be hungry.Let's bring in some food. Oh, my God. BRÜNO: Have some.ABDUL: Yeah, this is really bad for me. I'm sorry. This is really not good. We're leaving. BRÜNO: Come back, please.Can you please come back? LUTZ: Yes, yes, I understand.But I was thinking... Okay, but... Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Thank you. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SIGHS) Minimum Santzgaut. (SPEAKING GERMAN) Puffy Vater? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Reese Witterspinzel? Stevie Wunderbar? Wilhelm Schmidt? (SPEAKING GERMAN) Bradolf Pittler? (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) I think this focus group is really gonna be a very interesting exampleof how it's gonna play out. I actually got an interview mit Harrison Ford. - Very good. Very good.- Yes. So, you probably already know, todaywe're going to be looking at a new TV show, A-List Celebrity Max Out mit Brüno. - Howdy, I'm Lloyd Robinson.- Lloyd, Denny Bond. Hi. Hi. Great. Me und Lloyd, we haven't actually spokesince the other day when I was getting my anus bleached. (ALL LAUGHING) We won't go there, please. - We won't go there. Yeah.- That was a very difficult issue on the phone. And it's very importantwhat scores you give it, because if the show scores over an 85º%, the network's obviouslygonna be very interested. So take a look. - Absolutely.- Congratulations. BRÜNO ON TV: Who's ready to max outwith loads of celebrities? I am. Because das ist A-List Celebrity Max Out. (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV) - BRÜNO ON TV: How are you?- Great. Thank you for having me. Okay, so this is the part of the show, it's called Future Kinder.People who are pregnant, we've managed to get the ultrasound photos. - It's totally great.- Okay. - What's her name?- Jamie Lynn. Jamie Lynn Spears.I mean, is she a celebrity? No. (LAUGHING) Okay, let's seewhat she's got in her stomach. All right. What do you think there?Is that a white-trash foetus? Yeah. Totally. She's got her arms up like she's a A-lister. Newsflash, you're in a C-lister's womb.Am I right? Worse. I think, like, D. Do you think this kid is retarded? Definitely the hands look way too big, and the ears, like,have not been developed yet. - Yeah, so keep it or abort it?- Abort it. (SIGHS) Und now, my exclusive interviewmit Harrison Ford is only moments away.But first, some more dancing mit Brüno. (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) That's right.It's the time you've all been waiting for. It's my one-on-one,exclusive interview mit Harrison Ford. - Also, here I am mit Harrison Ford.- Fuck off! (LAUGHING) What's that? (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) That's actually mine. - More champagne?- No, I'm fine, thanks. Brüno! The end bit was Lloyd's idea. The last bit was? Lloyd's? So if you coulddescribe this show in one sentence... Can anybody give me one sentence? - Go ahead.- The worst piece of crap I have ever seen. There's always one who's against it. Those... In any group, there's always one. What sick human being came upwith something like this? Well, there's always two.There's always two. I wanted to poke my eyes outwith hot needles. You'd have to borrow the needles from me. Lloyd, we need to distract him - from listening to this.- You can't. You can't. - We need to distract him.- You can't. - Kiss me.- No. No logical personwould consider a show like this unless they hadsome sort of a mental or moral defect. WOMAN: Everything. Oh, my God. BRÜNO: Let me have a look at those. "The host is a talentless idiot." Is this the dancing of a talentless idiot? - I would say that it is.- MAN: Yeah, yeah. Please, where you going? Please, this is my career.I put all my money into this. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) I'm here with Congressman Ron Paul, who was the 2008 presidential candidate. So tell me, who are you wearing? Well, I don't even knowbecause it's pretty conventional. And I'm pretty, in that sense, pretty ordinary. But the message is not ordinary. (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) Sure. - Do you want some champagne?- I don't care for any. No. There's no ice bucket,but I know a good place to put it. (LAUGHS) Yeah, you were great in there.Have you done a lot of television before? Well, off and on throughout the years.This last year, a tremendous amount. - Sure.- I do a lot of them. Do you want some strawberries - or maybe some oysters?- No, I'm okay. I'm gonna light some candles if it's okay. Really loosens you up. Has anyone ever told youyou look like Enrique Iglesias? Of course not. You're much cuter. (LAUGHS) I love music. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYINGON STEREO) And dancing. I used to be a dancer. (CLEARS THROAT) Whoops. (SPEAKING GERMAN) - All right! Get out of here!- What? - All right, this has ended.- BRÜNO: What's going on? PAUL: That guy is queerer than the blazes.He took his clothes off. Let's get going. - WOMAN: What happened?- He's queer. He's crazy. He put a hit on me. He took his clothes off. BRÜNO: I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul. How would I become weltfamous? Ich decided to seek advicefrom the wisest guy I'd ever known. I wanna speak to Milli from the pop dance group Milli und Vanilli. Is he in heaven?And if so, is he in the VIP section there? He says he's in a placewith green trees and flowers. Can I ask him if he has any advice for me? (EXHALES) He says there's some sort of thing that youwill set up, like a foundation or something, where there will be other people involvedthat will benefit. Okay, that's a great idea, 'cause if I do that,then I'll definitely become world famous. Absolutely. There's something that he could dothat could make me incredibly happy. - Can I kiss him now?- Of course. (SPITS) (MUMBLING) (SNORTS) (GAGGING) (GROANING) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (PANTS) Well, good luck with your life. BRÜNO: Thanks to Milli,ich could now see clearly despite having an eyeful of Schpunken. Charity was a great way to become famous. Also, Brüno just needed to findthe hottest world tragedy to fix. I want a charity that doesn't involvetoo much effort, but is gonna really make a difference,you know, really put me into the A-list. Is there something that you, like,that you believe in? Well, I'm really into issues. Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse. - So...- Great. Now, I think that would be...That's something to get involved now, so, we can just help ease the... Like, after us, in order to help for our future. In order for everyone... It's justa beneficial thing to be involved with now. I'm really into doing somethingmaybe for Africa. - Okay.- Is that still cool or... Saving some kind of extinct animal.What's going extinct right now? - I don't know, like elephants or something.- And then make bracelets? That's so bad. Never mind.I was gonna say make bracelets out of a... Make bracelets out of the extinct animal? That's not gonna really work though,because you need the... You can't take from the extinct animal. What's the coolest type of charityto get into at the moment? Save Dafar? - Save what?- Save Dafar. - Save Dafar, yeah.- Angelina Jolie. Is that in, like, Iraqi or something like that? Yeah, that's in the... It's in... Yeah. Yeah. Is there anywhere in the worldthat no celebrity has tried to fix? Darfur is the big one now. - Yeah, no, it is.- What's the new one? What's Dar-five? - Yeah.- Yeah. BRÜNO: Ich was going to become famousby solving a world problem. But which one? Clooney's got Darfur. Sting's got the Amazon,and Bono's got AIDS. Luckily, there was still one shitholeleft to fix, the Middle-earth. Mein Plan was to get both sides to signa peace deal in front of the world's press, making Brüno über famous. Hi, I love your hat. It's great. (BRÜNO SPEAKING SPANISH) Hey, great. Is that Marc Jacobs? (MAN YELLING) BRÜNO: Lutz! Lutz! Start the car! Lutz! Why are you so anti-hummus? I mean, isn't pita bread the real enemy? You're confusing Hamaswith hummus, I believe. - Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.- Do you think there is a relationbetween Hamas and hummus? So was the founder of Hamas a chef? He had created the foodand then got lots of followers. Hummus has nothing to do with Hamas.It's a food. Okay? We eat it. They eat it. It's vegetarian. It's healthy. It's beans. Well, do you both agree on that? We both agree that hummus is very healthy. So we're making progress. Let's try and get a solution, right? 'Cause I'm not gonna be here forever.Will you, the Palestinians, agree to give the pyramids backto the Israelis? This is in Egypt. Not in Palestine. I don't care where you put them.Give them back. This is about gaining somethingfor your own people whether you believe it,whether you were convinced to do that. - But in any case...- All right, okay. Take it easy, girlfriend. - All right.- SELA: Civil rights... BRÜNO: If I did not get these queens to signa peace deal soon, I would not become famous. So I decided to think outsidethe Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung. I've written a song that I thinkis gonna help us make peace. In fact, I know it will. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) (SINGING) I've written a song that I hope is gonna bring you two together It's time for this war to end Jews and Hindus, you be friends This is the Middle East Creating love is my mission Don't kill each other Shoot a Christian Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Yeah, a bit more than that. BRÜNO: Ich was out of options. My song hadn't worked, und I didn't haveenough ecstasy for everyone. Ich was ready to give upwhen I suddenly remembered something that the Jude had said. SELA: In the last few years,people were kidnapped, and then they wouldbroadcast it to the whole world. - To the whole world?- Yeah. So what, the whole world gets to see - these hostage videos?- Of course. Of course. BRÜNO: Ich would become famousby getting kidnapped. I am going to say somethingthat is gonna get you so angry that if you've got a gun on you,you're gonna pull it out - and shoot me in the head. Are you ready?- Yeah. Your hair is sun damaged. (MALE TRANSLATORSPEAKING ARABIC) I'll be honest with you. I want to be famous. And I want the best guys in the businessto kidnap me. Al-Qaeda is so 2001. I don't like. Can I give you guys a word of advice? Lose the beards, because your King Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizardor a homeless Santa. (SPEAKING ARABIC) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKING ARABIC) (SPEAKING ARABIC) TRANSLATOR: Get out. Get out now. BRÜNO: Ich was encouragedto leave the Middle East. But Brüno had a new plan. It involved stopping off in Africa on the way home for a little bit of shopping. (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) BRÜNO: Mein little afrikanischerFreund was going to get me on the cover of every magazine. Also, ich hired a top photographer und held a casting forthe hottest baby photo shoot ever. (CAMERA CLICKING) We're gonna do like this religious theme where my baby is gonna beon a crucifix playing Jesus even though my baby's black.So it's pretty cool, no? That's cool.It's kind of like that Madonna video. Yeah, it's really edgy.You know, we're turning it on its head. Why not? Come on. Whatever. So. We're looking for two thievesto be on the crucifixes next to my baby. Would you be ready for your babyto be strung up on a crucifix next to mine? Fine. Yeah, I don't mind herbeing up on a crucifix. Sure. Is your baby comfortable with bees,wasps and hornets? George is comfortable with everything.He's fine. Is he comfortable with deador dying animals? Yes. Great. Amateur science? What do you mean by that? You know, some untrained peopleconducting scientific experiments. - Should be fine.- You know, her mixing the pots of acid and that type... - Okay.- And so it's a yes. - Yes.- Great. Is she okay withextremely rapid acceleration? (LAUGHING) Yes. - Okay.- Yes. Does she always have to be in a car seat,or can she just, like, freestyle it? Yeah. You can freestyle it,put her in a car seat. Whatever. If it looks better without the car seat... Of course. Of course. So what? You're travelling fast.You're not gonna kill it. Of course. Of course. Is your baby finewith antiquated heavy machinery? Yeah, she's fine. She's been around that. Would she be fine to operate them? - Yes.- Great. Is your baby fine with lit phosphorus? Yes. Excellent. Does he like it? - Loves it.- Good. A little sensitive subject here.How much does she weigh? She's about 30 pounds. - Thirty pounds.- Yes. Approximately. Can Olivia lose 10 pounds in the next week? In the next week, seven days. Yeah. I'd have to do whatever I could. If there's a problem losing the weight, would you be ready to have Oliviaundergo liposuction? If that was a last resortand she didn't lose the few pounds, then, yeah, we'd have to do that. Great. Fantastisch news. We have chosen your babyto be dressed as a Nazi officer pushing a wheelbarrow with another babyas a Jew in it into an oven. Into an oven? Congratulations. How do you feel? - Great, if she got the job. That's great.- Yeah. (SINGING LULLABY IN GERMAN) (BOTH SINGING IN GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) O.J., you're going to be on television. (RAP MUSIC PLAYINGON HEADPHONES) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (HONKS) Welcome back to Today with Richard Bey. Now, our next guest is a single parent.Please welcome Brüno. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Where are you from? I'm from Austria. Austria. And what are your impressionsof the American people? You see a lot of them out here. I gotta say, I love American people,and I love African-American people. You're the best. You guys are the best. All right, all right.Now, you are a single parent. - Yeah.- Most people think that a child should have two parents. It is, like, really difficult, you know, bringing up a child without another parent.Am I right? - Right.- Right. I'm hoping that I don't grow old alone.Am I right? WOMAN 1: True that. True that. I'm hoping that I find Mr Right. Am I right? - No!- No! WOMAN 2: No, no, no, no, no. Well, honey, you need to get it together.Sugar, you're lost and confused. - BEY: All right, now...- Listen, you're just jealous 'cause you know I can get any guy here. WOMAN 3: Go get them! (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) BEY: You brought your son here today? - BRÜNO: That's right.- Can we see your son? Yeah, sure. MAN: No. No. BEY: All right, this is... (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) - What?- Where did they allow you to get your baby from?Is your baby from Australia? I was in the Middle East, like,solving the crisis there. No big deal. Whatever. And I flew back here to America, und I stopped over in this countrycalled Africa, right? Africa is a continent, not a country, baby.Get it right. Well, it is full of African-Americans. It's full of Africans.It's full of people of African descent. No. That's a racist thing to call them.African-Americans is the right word. No. African-Americans are here. (AUDIENCE DISAGREEING) No, they're calledAfrican-Americans, girlfriend. No, fool. BEY: All right. So how did you find your son? I swapped him. WOMAN 1: You swapped him?WOMAN 2: What? (AUDIENCE CHATTERING) Swapped the baby for what? - For an iPod.- What? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Not just any iPod. One that was, like, limited edition, red.A U2 iPod. Heard of it? BEY: All right, but wait a second.You are the baby's father now. And you chose to dress that baby upin a T-shirt that says what? Gayby. That's not the baby's name, is it? No. I gave him, like,a traditional African name. So what's the baby's name? O.J. (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) BEY: Stand up, please. I think you're using him as an accessory. I think maybe because he's a black babythat might be your cue, like how some people walk in the parkwith dogs to pick up girls, that might be your cueto get maybe a down-low brother. I don't know. What do you think? I gotta be honest. He's a real dick magnet. (AUDIENCE CLAMOURING) You brought some photographsthat you took with the child because... I guess to demonstratehow much you love the child. We're going to put them up on this screen. That's the first shot. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Let's see the next picture. You're gonna burn in hell for that one. That's some mess. All right. Do we have another photo,or is that the last one? There we go. What is going on here? If I'm having fun,I want little O.J. to come with me. I want him to have fun with me. BEY: Hold on. Hold on. What's that? - What is that?- BRÜNO: Someone's scared. - BEY: You're making the audience leave.- They are scared of the truth. Yes, ma'am? Stand up, please. Go ahead. Listen, I don't see how you can even walkout of here with that baby in your hands without someone stopping youand taking that baby out of your possession. All right, well, you know,there is a finale to this talk show. Please welcome Shatonya Migginsfrom the State Child Services Department. Take the baby. What would be the opinion,the legal opinion of the state, which is empowered to look after childrenand their welfare? This child is here illegally. No, it's not. I made a deal with the mother. And at this time, we're taking the childinto protective custody. - You are not doing that. You're not taking...- MIGGINS: The child is going... Get off me. That is my baby. Give him back! Give me my baby back! Give me my baby! Give him back! Come on! Back! Give me my baby back! O. J! Give me my baby! Give me my... Give me my baby! O. J! O. J! O. J! Give me my baby back! You want some pie today? Yeah. I haven't had any carbs for 15 years, since I was, you know, four years old. - Since you was four?- Yeah. Is that your boy? He's pretty. BRÜNO: That was my boy.He got taken away today. I'm so sorry. Gosh. What is he, about two? I think he was about, I don't know, six or... - Was he? Was he about that age?- I don't know. He could've been a midget.So he could have been 10. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ LAUGHS) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (LUTZ SPEAKING GERMAN) (BRÜNO SPEAKING GERMAN) (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) Good morning, cowboy. What's your name? (MUFFLED) Lutz. (SCREAMING) (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (MUMBLES) (BRÜNO YELLING) BRÜNO: Get that out of my face. Move that out of my... No, Lutz. Hello? Engineering. Hello, I apologise for the state of the room. But can I assure you,the toilet is absolutely spotless. Can you look?The key, I think, is over there, just... No, I can't do this. Yeah, Brian, I need you up hereon 20 immediately. Well, no, it's two guyshandcuffed together on a bed. And there's some contraptionwith a dildo on the end of it. And they're asking...They've been staying at the hotel for a while and wanted to know if I can get the keyfor them because they can't get out of bed. I'm pretty freaking flipping right now. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) BRÜNO: Come in.MANAGER: Can you tell me what's going on? You were not meant to see this.You find the key, I can get out of this. Now, can you just look under that shelf... No. This is not what wassupposed to be going on in here. You're telling me, honey. I should be chained to a 6'4" Norwegianwith a PhD in sucking dick. That's not my concern. Okay, well, listen, one other thing. Can you switch off the television?Because I made a fart, and I am on the verge of buyingMr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium. That's unfortunate. No, but I refuse to payfor Mr Magorium's Wunderbar Emporium. I did not press it. No, I'm afraid we are notgonna be doing that. Hey, listen, you. What's your name?Hi. What's your name? - No, don't even talk to me.- You're cute. You're like a Latino Paul Giamatti. - Hey, don't talk to me. I'm not talking to you.- Hey, girlfriend. (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Also, great. Maybe they can let us out. Excuse me, can you unlock us? Please.Hello? Can you unlock us? Please, can you unlock us? Please. My assistant's about to shiton my balls. (SIREN WAILING) What's going on here? BRÜNO: What does it look like, Paul Blart? Brüno. (EXCLAIMS) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (EXHALES) Brüno. (SPEAKING GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN) (THUNDER RUMBLING) BRÜNO: Ich was at a low point.Brüno had hit rock Arsch. Lutz had gone, und ich had onlynine Freunds left on MeinSpace. Lutz! Lutz! (WHIMPERING) (YELLS) BRÜNO: I was about to give upon my dream of celebrity, when suddenly it hit me. All the most famous stars in the world, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey,they all had one thing in common. They were all straight. To become famous,I would have to quit guys. Ich just needed to finda cock-aholics anonymous. Things have got to change.I want to become straight. - Awesome.- Once I'm straight, can I still play the clarinet? If it doesn't remind youabout some of the behaviour that you engaged inwhen you put your lips around it. If it doesn't remind you of that,then I say go for it and play the clarinetwith everything inside of you. If it does remind you of that,then I say put it down, give it away, let a friend hold ituntil you know in your mind you're ready to pick it up againand it wouldn't remind you of that. Und what about ifI put a flute up my stinker? That... I wouldn't do that either because itwould remind you of the former lifestyle. So you don't put any woodwindinstruments up your Arschwitz. - Absolutely not. You know why?- Why? Because that would harm my body.That would hurt... - Only if you lose the reed.- Okay. Well, that would... That would be bad. Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to?Any bands? Sinead O'Connor. The Indigo Girls. Of course, the Village People. When I become straight,you know, a Kuntmeister, are there any new hobbiesthat I should take up? - Do you enjoy hiking? Lifting weights?- Sure. Man, there's nothing like just working out and lifting weightsand building your muscles around some other men who are not gay. I'm totally irresistible to gay guys.They see me und they want to schtupp me. - Right.- So how do I protect against those guys? If they get close to you,hit them and leave the situation. How do you spot the homosexual? Very hard to do. Because some of them don't even dressno different than myself or you. - Amazing.- You know? It's kind of like terrorists. If a terrorist has infiltrateda police department and he dresses like the policemen,how would you know that's him? What are obvious thingsthat we can look for? Obvious is a person that's beingextremely nice to them to start with. So if someone approaches you in the streetund is being very, very nice to you, you know that they are a homosexual? Most likely. How should I protect myselffrom being attacked by homosexuals? They probably would attack from behind. So, again, if I am a homosexual, and I'm just trying to run in und kiss you... - Boom! You done moved in the wrong range.- Right. Let's say the homosexualhas got you on the ground. Okay. Und the homosexual, you know,has got you down here. - Right.- I go to pull this down. - I want to lock this, lock this leg here.- Touching. - Yeah.- Hit with the elbow. Boom. As I roll across. How do you protect yourself from a dildo? So let's say I'm trying... Here, you know. Like that. You know? Und disarm the dildo? Yes. Is it harder to defend against a black dildo? - No.- Great. One is just as easy as the otherto defend against. - So, I'm attacking.- Boom. - Like that.- Let's say I go down and I... Trap it, work the knees. Work the elbows. How do you defend yourselfagainst the man with two dildos? Coming in. Here. Boom. Depending on his range. Boom.Then to his face. Boom. Okay? Kick around, boom. (PANTING) He can't do nothing from there. And if he's just runningwith his pants down? Here. Boom. And then to the eyes. - Homosexual attacking your bum.- Leg here. And then come in and break his arm.Take it here, take him out. Break his arms. Boom, break his ribs.Break his arms. Okay. Thank you very much. Fantastisch. - Okay.- It's very useful. That's just totally different thanwhat I've ever tried to, you know, work with. So you were never gay? It's ironic that you should haveamazing blow job lips. Well, these lips were made to praise Jesus. No, they were made for something else,but you're just not using it for them. Well... Are there any activities you suggest where I'll be surroundedjust by straight guys? (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) LEADER: Let's go! Let's go!ALL: Let's go! Let's go! (ALL EXCLAIMING) - Push ups! Sit ups!- Push ups! Sit ups! - Hurry up. Get in here.- Was? Make this bed. Hurry up. Make the bed. But do you have something,maybe a double... Make the bed! Could you hold the sheet over there? I'm not holding anything. - Get down. Get down.- Was? I said, get down! Do push ups. This line right here isa line that you don't cross. This is TAC Alley. TAC Officer's... You're in it again. This is my alley. I don't want to be in your alley. Yeah, well, get out of it.Your finger's in my alley. Not yet. By the way, where's your uniform?Go get your uniform on. Do it! Oh, my gosh. What's up with the scarf? That is, like, it's my own thing. Let me introduce you to somebody.Captain Miles. Candidate, what are you doing? Stand at the position of attention, candidate. - Do it! Do it!- Head and eyes straight forward, candidate. Head and eyes straight forward.Stand still, candidate. That is not part of the uniform, candidate.You need to take that off. This outfit is too matchy-matchy as it is, and so I was just trying to break it upwith some simple horizontal lines. Do you have an attitude, candidate?Do we detect an attitude? - Sir, she's got an attitude.- MILES: What? Sir Officer Candidate,did you just call me "she"? - Get down, candidate! Now!- Do it! What type belt is that, candidate? What is that? - D&G.- What is D&G? Dolce und Gabbana. Hello? - "Hello"?- "Hello"? - Front in the rest position.- Get down, you! Sir Officer Candidate,you deserve a medal for exceptional skin. What are you talking...What are you trying to say, candidate? Sir Officer Candidate, you could be a generalin the Bitch Army the way you're going. - Did you use profanity again?- Did you use profanity? But you're being really nasty. The OC guide states that I will notuse profanity while I'm at OCS. Yes, mein Führer. Yes, Officer Candidate. OFFICER: Hurry up!MAN 1: Hurry up! Let's go! MAN 2: Yeah, this is mine.MILES: You better help your buddy. (ALL SHOUTING) Get out of my TAC Alley. Get out of my TAC Alley. - Hurry up! Hurry up!- OFFICER: Move over there! (ALL YELLING) (HIGH-PITCHED YELLING) - Salute!- Salute with your right hand. OFFICER: Salute with your right hand. - That's not a salute.- That's not a salute. OFFICER: That's not a salute. Can I tell you about the personthat changed my life? Was it Karl Lagerfeld? No, actually, his name is Jesus.Jesus is in this room right now. He never leaves us. He never forsakes us.He's here. (WHISPERS) Amazing. That's exactly right. He's amazing. You want to be famous.You'll be one that's so famous, Brüno, you will prepare the wayfor other young men all over the world who want to come out of the homosexuallifestyle and make a change in their lives. And they'll say, "If Brüno can do it,then I can do it. "How did he change?How did you change, Brüno?" And they'll say, "It's Jesus. He changed me." But he wants to come intoyour heart right now. Are you ready to make that change? Are you hitting on me? No, I'm not. Okay, good, 'cause I just...That was, like, really hot, that whole speech. Are there any outdoor activities that I should doif I want to become straight? Absolutely. - Hi.- Hello. - Mike. Brüno.- Brüno. Hey. Great. - I'm Donny.- Brüno. Robert. - You ever been hunting?- BRÜNO: I've never killed an animal. Although, I did oncesuffocate a hamster in Mykonos. The women, eh? Do you prefer the vaginaor the mammary glands? - I prefer the vagina.- BRÜNO: Me, too. I love a woman with a vagina. Yeah. My favourite. Didn't see anything. We were just talking about vaginas. About what? Vaginas. The woman's vagina. Sharing storiesand saying how much we enjoy them. Yes. Really fantastisch. Really wonderful things. It's my favourite. (BRÜNO SCREAMS) This is wonderful. This is what rabbit look like. Look at the four of us.We are so like the Sex and the City girls. No, we aren't, either. Which one are you, Donny? I ain't any one of them. I'm Donny. That is such a Samantha thing to say. BRÜNO: I've never beenout of the city before. You haven't? How's it feel? I feel a bit vulnerable. You know, I'm 19 years old,I've got a perfect body. You know, I really don't want to wake uptomorrow morning und find that I'm torn in my Arschenholer. You probably ain't the only one. Me, either, definitely. Wow, there's so many stars in the sky. Full of them. Makes you think ofall the hot guys in the world. Do we all share one tentor what's more sensible? I hope not. (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (BRÜNO WHISPERING) (MIKE SPEAKING) (BRÜNO SPEAKING) All right, God damn it. BRÜNO: Reverend BJ found metoo much of a handful and put me in touch with one of his chums. You look decent in that. Look like a straight guy, how's that? (LAUGHS) Women are good for us. They're good even though they appear to usto be terribly conventional. And we find that somewhat irritating that they complain so much. - Right.- But we need that. We need many of the things that, at first glance,are annoying and irritating. And women often don't stick to the point. They're often talking about one thingand then another and then another, and they never get back to the first pointmaybe ever. I am repulsed by the ideaof making the sex with a woman. The important thing is to be around women, somewhat, that you find tolerableor interesting and give them a chance to seduce you. (DOORBELL RINGS) How did you get into it? We, actually, our first time was on our... (ALL LAUGHING) - Our honeymoon.- Yeah. Of all nights for us to swing,the first time was for our honeymoon. Und what is your favourite position? That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl. What's reverse cowgirl? Show me. I'll pretend to be the woman. Like, I'm sitting here, and... Yeah, and so, if I'm the woman...Don't worry. Yeah, so what? You'd be sitting like that, - and that's called reverse cowgirl.- Right. Right. And then when you're facing me,that's called cowgirl. This one here is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl? This is cowgirl. And then when you're turnedthe opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl. Und what other positions are there? - Power driver.- Right. Sixty-nine. But this is the girl's position. (INHALES DEEPLY) You don't want to be like thisif you're a guy. There's missionary, doggy style. So what's doggy style like? You'd be bent over, like a dog does it. Yeah. Like that? All right,and then what would you be doing? If you was a woman,I would be humping you. - No, show me.- (LAUGHING) I'm not gonna show you. - You're a man.- Don't be a faggot. (CHUCKLING) Come on. What's the big deal?It's just a couple of guys. I'd be humping you like that. Wow, I can't wait to do this to a woman. (LAUGHS) (WOMAN MOANING) Anybody want a sandwich or something? (MOANING) Yeah. Great. Very good. You've got great hair actually. - Thank you.- Yeah. (EXHALES) That was great. - Oh, yeah.- Good boy. (WOMAN MOANING) Fuck, yeah. You're doing a great job. Thank you. Come on, Jack, look me in the eyes. Look me in the eye. You can do this. (LAUGHS) Dude. (MAN LAUGHING) Why would he look you in the eyeswhen he's looking at a pussy? - Why would he look you in the eyes?- No, no. Just for concentration. - He does not look in a guy's...- I don't need you for concentration, okay? - Look her in the eye.- This is a fucking swingers party. Okay? If you don't want pussy,if you don't want fucking... - No, I want...- Then quit fucking touching me and quit telling meto look at you in the eye. Okay? I didn't come herefor no fucking queer shit. Okay? - Me, neither.- Okay. - Let's keep it at that then.- Cool. This is a fucking swingers party.Right, guys? JACK: I see what the fuck you're doing, dude. - Hi.- JACK: Did he not try to pull - that queer shit on you out there?- Hi. How you doing? JACK: I don't need this motherfuckertouching me on the back, telling me to look himin the fucking eye. Right? - I was just going to the kitchen.- I know, yeah. Come on. What's this shit? Let's take this off. Let's maybe we getto know each other a little. - I think you broke that, actually.- I don't give a fuck. Yeah, there is...Let's get to know each other a little bit first. (EXCLAIMS) Know each other? What? You must produce a lot of milk. I don't want you to do somethingthat you'll regret. You wake up tomorrow, you've lostyour virginity, and you feel ashamed. You know, let's take this a little slower. - We should reschedule.- Sit the fuck down. Sit the fuck down. Don't fuck around! No, let's do this the right way. (BOTH EXHALE) I go, and I sit down with your father,we talk about this. - lf he gives his permission...- What? Would you quit being a little bitch here and take your little briefs offbefore I fucking rip them? Wait. Yes. - Yeah.- Fine. - Thanks.- Okay. Great. I don't like this little shit. Yes, well, I want to really makethis heterosexual sex. It's going to be fantastisch! Do as I say. Take that fucking shit off now! (WHOOPS) - Don't... You fold them.- (EXCLAIMS) Fuck. You gotta fold that neatly.You don't treat suede like that. It stains. Sit the fuck down. Take it off! I've got an idea.Let's play a little bit of dress-up here. It will be erotisch. What is this?You gonna dress me like a man? No, it's just a beard. - Am I supposed to wear a beard?- It's just a... Come on, it will be fun. I don't need a beard. Take it off! Now! Once you put the... (EXCLAIMING) - Fuck! Take it off.- Okay. I'm... - Okay, I'm going to do this.- Right now! Get on your fucking kneesand suck my spike here, bitch. Okay. Help! Don't fuck around! BRÜNO: Don't call me gay! I'm gonna become straight.I'm gonna become über straight. I'm gonna be the straightest manwho's ever lived. Und then I'll be famous.You'll see. You'll see. (DISTANT CHEERING) (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) What's up, Arkansas?How's everybody doing? You guys ready to seea little ass kicking tonight? (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Make some noise, everybody.Put your hands together. Make some noise for the host of the brand-new TVshow,Straight Dave's Man Slammin' Maxout. Give it up for Straight Dave! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Straight Dave. Straight Dave. (CHEERING) (SHOUTING) Are you ready forsome man-slamming action? Who's ready foran old-fashioned heterofest? Are you 100% hetero like me? Who out there is proud to be straight? Let me hear you say straight pride. - Straight pride.- Straight pride. Straight pride. - Straight pride.- Straight pride. I am so straightthat when I bought my house, the first thing I didwas brick up the back door. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You know why?Because my asshole's just for shitting. Let me hear you say that. - My asshole's just for shitting.- My asshole's just for shitting. It's great to have an eveningwith straight people. It's great not to have any fags here. MAN: You're a faggot! Who called me a faggot? Whoever called me a faggot come up here,and I'll beat your Arsch. Who called Straight Dave a faggot?Come up here. Let him in. (AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY) Who wants to see me beat this fag's ass? Who wants me to beat this... Fuck him up! Get him, motherfucker! (BOTH GRUNTING) Beat his fucking ass! Kick his ass! (SLOW ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) Fucking fag! - Homo! Queer fags!- Motherfuckers! (EXCLAIMING) Stop! Stop! Get out of my town. You all are sick. Tell him we don't have no faggots herein Arkansas. Take that shit somewhere else. You pussy-ass faggot motherfucker! (SHOUTING) - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit! - Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!- Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit! (SPEAKING MANDARIN) BRÜNO: The footage went everywhere,und Brüno became über famous. (CHATTERING) As for Lutz,we decided to get married in California. But because of the law,we had to be a bit inventive. I feel this is the biggest stepyou'll ever make in your lifetime. - It's a very big moment.- That's right. Am I going to be able to meet herbefore we actually start? Sure. I... I don't marry two men or two women. If she's a man,then how did it give birth to our son? You gave birth to a little black child? (IN FALSETTO) Yes. When did you have the baby? I don't even know whyI'm asking that question. BRÜNO: But even thoughmarriage was a nicht-nicht, we weren't gonna let it get us down. We were happy. We had each other. And we had O.J. back, although he did cost us a MacBook Pro. Plus, ich was now so famous that I was able to recordmein very own charity video. (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING) I've written a song that I hope is gonnabring the world together Put down your guns and bombs and just make love forever Okay, then. He's come to heal the world and make all nations calmer I am the Austrian Jesus He is the white Obama He's the white Obama War's just based on hate and fear Stop fighting, North and South Korea You're both basically Chinese And he's Brüno, dove of peace Hey, yo, Brüno, where the bitches at? BO TH: You are Brüno, dove of peace SNOOP DOGG: You do it, fashion modelYou got the cute hos ALL: You are Brüno, dove of peace (SNIFFS) You know, I love black guys.I'm a chocoholic. ALL: Du bist Brüno, dove of peace Brüno wants peace. Either we gonna have peace,or we gonna have motherfucking war. I have a dream for the Third World Clean water, food and teaching In every village and every town a place for anal bleaching We need to rid the world of hunger I'm like Bono, except much younger He's only Ich bin Brüno, dove of peace Hey, hey, he gay, he gay Okay. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

dont mess with the zohan

Special thanks to

SergeiK

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