#i ahvent written the half of it.

[nauseoussuggestion]

 i feel like i need to put it down somewhere. heres the progression of this year

- summer 2017 wasnt terrible but i kept being reminded that one of the best leaders i knew and loved left in december bc we sucked. i found it hard to love a ministry that could fail someone who didnt do anything wrong. 

- transphobia from father al and tntt and all the vibes and self hate that embodied itself during mass or during depressive episodes never seemed to go away. it wasnt just transphobia that caused me to feel so terrible. i hoenstly dont know what caused most of it. i wanted to kill myself in 2019. i wanted to be good at school. i wanted to be selfless and a good leader. so much bs that i cant right out. i lashed out so much. i had anxiety attacks constantly during summer meetings and retreats and they were during meetings too. i hated how vulnerable i was and how ungrateful i acted. i thought it was a sign of the fact that i was gonna be a bad leader. 

- during retreat i seemed to do all the wrong things. i didnt keep God at the cneter of it. i hhad such good kids and couldnt do anything right. i left halfway through sunday and didnt come back to my group. 

- during classes i seemed to forget everything and not teach the way i wanted to teach. i didnt do much bc the two other catechists were doing fine and i felt lost. i felt like if this didnt come naturally to me and i couldnt seem to work to better myself despite the amount of effort i put in, i wasnt fit for this calling and God didnt want me here. i acknowledged that this was my first year but it still made me feel like shit.

- so many people left so suddenly. i found out the friday of winter break. heard the two were leaving on saturday. on sunday everyone else left too. it was heartbreaking for me and i couldnt imagine how much worse the teens were feeling and the leaders who left were feeling. it still doesnt feel right without them there

- it was really hard to adjust and i legit still cry about it sometimes. i dont know how ro who to talk about it with other than God. my efforts still feel useless and i dont know what to do. only a handful of people consistently show up to the meetings. no oneseems to communicate to me about anything.it feels like rn i dont have a part in helping bc im an adult and bc im so incompetent. 

- ppl talk shit a lot. m left bc the office pushed ym away and gave her esp a hard time and bc she didnt feel like the office had her back. a lot of  jr core and core and teens and everyone who left were extremely mean and believed and spread rumors. i talk shit and feel icky from it and try to avoid it but i still listen in. a person i rly trust talks shit and is talked shit abt and idk what to believe bc whos word do i trust? trying to desperately hold onto the view i have of the ppl b4 the talking shit has happened. i rly hate how much of a pushover and rumor believeri am. cant i think for myself

- progress seems to be slow and nonexistent. transphobia still present. theres also a lot of progress tho (a teen came out to me and i couldnt be more proud of him every day). its just hard to remember that when i get hit w sudden transphobia every once in a while and live with this internal transphobia myself 

- ive felt alone this entire year and i feel a lack or presence with God. its been so terrible and if i dont feel God or some strong call anymore whats the point of serving. i want to think its bc i want to serve and give my time to God and these teens bc no matter the circumstances i should constinue persisteing and serving but i feel like thats selfish. overall ive burned out. reallyreally burned out and i have all this anger and sorrow i stil ldont know what to do about it and its pathetic. i hate myself for a lot of reasons and i lost my way