#i actually want to write reviews of all the rankin bass christmas specials soon

[leprosycock]

I've never seen a single thing from the polar express beyond the banger hot chocolate bit and I'm so curious to know what exactly it is about that weird looking movie that drives you up the wall so much because as a mental image its rlly funny

it is never once explored why the main boy (whose name is literally just HERO BOY) becomes a jaded god-hating atheist in the beginning. like he just grew up? really? nothing else to unpack there? the polar express really ran by to grab him because he just learned how to jack off and now he doesn’t believe in santa anymore? this has to happen to millions of kids every year but i guess the train only has room for bitter twelve year olds in an upper middle class neighborhood with two loving gainfully employed married parents and a little sister. and extremely hopeful kids who believe in santa too. and kids who may or may not be halfway homeless but he’s definitely poor and he sucks. and kids who are rude little autistic bitches. no defining feature to tie them together; the supporting cast just props up the main character and they seem to have no reasons for being there otherwise. and the main character is so empty that like.. who cares?

none of the kids have a personality. at all. they’re there to save the day and discover the true meaning of christmas and everything about them is condensed down into their titles, because none of them are given names: hero boy. hero girl. know-it-all. etc etc. that’s how you know this is gonna be some bullshit the whole way through because it’s just a spectacle, nothing more. the kids are all pretty fucking annoying and unlikable so that doesn’t help. they’re just dolls to participate on digital sets.

and that’s another thing. mocap movies were always meant to be these glorified tech demos for something greater and they could physically move the camera around in cgi environments, so they fill tpe with these elaborate, flashy, drawn-out scenes containing too many wide shots and too many tracking shots and they don’t feel intimate or particularly help you connect with the characters. alongside this, the main theme plays EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. it’s a whimsical faraway snowy christmas score that’s meant to feel wholesome and nostalgia and be crowd-pleasing, but the key of it is too fast-paced. and once you notice how often it plays, it starts to drive you up the goddamn wall. there’s nothing for me to look forward to as a viewer because they are trying to placate me at the end of every single scene.

everyone is just so ugly too. oh my god they’re so ugly and not remotely in a charming way. more like a very rubbery mannequin come to life and prepared to bite down on my neck way. stretched and rubbery with no life in their eyes

also josh groban is an evil man and the song that he recorded for the end credits is so saccharine that it feels like a crime

fuck this movie