#i actually really wanted to do the government spying on schizophrenics for cardi but i wasn’t sure how people would feel about it😭

[gogodollie]

Ghost Characters as bits from The Onion

Papa Nihil: Town's Teen-Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth

“These girls are not getting the education they need about Cody. They don’t fully understand Cody and, unfortunately, that’s part of the appeal.”

“I try to teach teens how to say no to Cody even if he plays his guitar for them.”

Sister Imperator: How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge

“But then I remembered he's human just like me. He has a family that loves him… and that's an exploitable weakness.”

“Instead, you should murder the person’s next door neighbor. When he moves someplace safer you’ll follow him and you’ll kill his next door neighbor again. And again. Now he can’t escape death and he has no idea who you even are.”

Mr. Psaltarian: Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

“While evidence presented to the court indicates a degree of fallibility in ththe procedural methods of capital punishment, it is the opinion of this court that the practice remains fuckin’ balls to the wall awesome.”

“He stated that the death penalty is in fact too lenient a punishment and that sentencing inmates to life without parole seemed, quote: ‘Way more brutal because it’s like they’re on some sort of prison colony in the future where they just have to fight for the rest of their lives.’”

Papa I: Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

“No, no it actually was Lucas laughing that woke me up. I had never heard the kid laugh so hard.”

“There was blood all over me.” “Yeah he smeared it all over himself.” “I liked the way the blood made me feel.”

Papa II: Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

“We could use griffons but we don’t use griffons and I think that’s what separates us from them.”

“Even if the minotaur did act inappropriately- and I’m not saying it did- the United States cannot be held responsible for its actions because it is a beastly minotaur and no chains can bind it.”

Papa III: In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?

“Absolutely. Americans have completely forgotten what Halloween is really about: appeasing evil spirits to ward off sickness and ensure a bountiful harvest.”

“A recent poll of American fifth graders found that 63% could identify the cartoon character Jack Skellington while only 14% could identify Algol, the ghoul that dwells in burial grounds.”

Papa IV: Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not To Find His Missing Little Brother

“My brother broke my Spider-Man. I hope he’s dead.”

“Were you scared?” “Yes, because I thought he was going to take my XBOX. Then he grabbed Aaron instead and I was like ‘Yes!’” “What happened next?” “I waited until the next morning so that the man could get far enough away that Aaron would never come back.”