#i actually cried so much that i ended up having a migraine. wow. something’s definitely wrong with me.

[euphor1a]

..... so i’ll be taking 8467747846 business days to recover from this

[vxlkyrie]

letters to you

pairing: spencer reid x reader

genre: angst, fluff, friends to lovers!au

warning: cursing, mentions of alcohol

word count: 7.0k

summary: uh oh, spencer wasn’t supposed to see those

a/n: maeve didn’t die nor have a stalker and we stan her and anderson in this household. also i broke my own heart writing this :) enjoy! (also i hate that some of the text isn’t italicized on mobile i want to cry)

“hey y/n, whatchu writing in your diary?” derek smirked as walked through the office.

“none of your business. and it’s not a diary, it’s a journal.” you rolled your eyes as you continued writing.

“and what do you write in your so-called journal?”

“whatever i want. usually thoughts i have when i’m finished with a case.” you shrugged.

“so basically a diary,” he laughed, leaning on your desk. “can i see what you’ve been writing?” he tried to lean over your notebook. your eyes widened.

“no!” you shouted as you slammed your notebook shut, making derek jump up a little. “s-sorry morgan. it’s just that it’s very personal.”

“don’t worry about it. i understand.” he smiled at you, kissing your forehead before going back to his desk.

it’s true that you use your journal to write down your feelings. you weren’t that open on talking about your feelings, so you took an unused notebook and filled up the pages with your rants, whether it was about stressing over a case or having to deal with your bitchy landlord. but you also use that journal to write down your feelings towards a certain boy genius (who actually suggested that you should write down your thoughts in a journal).

you weren’t sure when you started seeing spencer, your best friend, in a different light. maybe it was when he would bring you coffee and a muffin practically everyday. maybe it was when you started to find his fact dumps endearing. maybe it’s when he would cuddle you when you two would have movie nights together.

whatever the exact moment was that made you fall in love with him, you weren’t ready to tell him about your feelings. so, shortly after starting your notebook, you started writing down “love letters” that were addressed to him. you found yourself writing out confessions, moments where you found spencer being adorable, even dates you would have if you two were together (all the cheesy stuff).

dear spencer,

i love you – as more than just a friend.

yes, you are my best friend. you are always there for me when i need someone to get me energized when i didn’t get enough sleep the night before. you are always there for me when i need to tell someone about a shitty date. you are always there for me when i just need a hug after finishing a week-long case. and before i knew it, i found myself falling in love with you.

i wish that i can just tell you how i feel in person, but you know that i’m not that good with expressing my feelings verbally, so i decided to write them down instead. even then, this page isn’t enough to explain what i love about you and how much i love you.

love, y/n

dear spencer,

there are so many times where i just find you cute.

your eyes lighting up after you found out that doctor who is being renewed for another season. your smile after everyone complimented your new haircut. even your little dance after i bought you half a dozen of your favorite donuts.

i could go on forever and list every moment i have found you adorable. my heart starts beating faster just by the sight of seeing you be happy. i know you’ve been through a lot, and you deserve happiness. i hope that someday i can give you that.

love, y/n

dear spencer,

i might not be the most romantic person, but i can’t help but daydream about the cute and cheesy dates we would have.

we could go to the aquarium and you can tell me everything you know about every creature we see. we could visit the art museum and we could point out the small details in each piece. we could even go to the smithsonian!

but we could also go on small cafe dates. maybe go to the bookstore and you could recommend me your favorites (i’ve been trying to read more). we could even just have a night in and have dinner and cuddle while we watch true crime shows and point out their mistakes and make our own profiles.

now that i think about, being with you would be the same as we are now, just with handholding and kissing.

love, y/n

did writing them down help with your feelings? yes.

were you ever going to send him those letters? absolutely fucking not.

“hey y/n!” a voice called. you looked up to see spencer smiling at you from his desk.

“hey spence, what’s up?”

“i’m almost done with my paperwork, wanna grab dinner after? i’m buying.” he asked. your eyes lit up.

“yeah, sure!” you smiled back.

“great! just give me like 15 more minutes.” he said. you nodded, finishing the last file before handing it in to hotch.

-

“oh my god, this food is amazing!” you exclaimed, taking a bite of your dish as spencer chuckled at you. “have some.” you gestured at your food. spencer smiled at you as he grabbed a fork full and placed it in his mouth.

“wow, that is delicious.” he nodded in approval.

“i know right!” you smiled.

“anyways, there’s something i wanted to tell you, y/n.” spencer said. your eyes immediately widened.

does he like me and he’s finally going to confess?

does he know that i like him and he’s trying to let me down easily?

or is it something completely unrelated?

your heart raced as millions of scenarios that could possibly happen at this moment played in your head.

“of course. you know you can tell me anything.” you reassured, grinning at him.

“i know,” he grinned back. “you know that one girl, maeve?”

“that geneticist you’ve been talking to for your migraines? yeah, what about her?” you raised an eyebrow.

“i finally had the guts to ask her out – and she said yes!” he smiled.

oh.

you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces. you wanted to just get up and run and never talk to him again, but you couldn’t. you knew that he deserved to be happy – even if it wasn’t with you.

“you didn’t tell me you like her!” you happily exclaimed, putting on a facade.

“i’m sorry! we were so caught up with work and i didn’t even know if her and i would even work out. and if morgan ever found out, he wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.” spencer rambled on.

“is that why you’ve been acting weird and leaving at the most random times?” you raised a teasing eyebrow at him.

“so if our unsub killed our victims here, here, and here,” spencer said as he dotted the map on the board with a marker. “then he could live anywhere around here” he finished as he draw a circle that connected the dots.

“do you think he would live in the middle?” you asked. 

before he could answer, spencer’s phone suddenly started ringing, causing the tall man to reach into his pocket to check who was calling. you peeked over to see a random number display across his screen.

“excuse me.” he said as he quickly left the room.

that’s weird. he never answers calls if it’s not from anyone on the team.

“what’s that about?” emily asked. you shrugged in response.

a few minutes later, spencer returned to the room with a big smile on his face.

“who called?” you asked him. spencer had a panicked look on his face shortly before he switched to a more calm manner.

“oh, my mom.” he lied, which no one seemed to notice.

“yeah,” he shyly nodded. “i’ve been calling her for the past few weeks.”

“that’s great spence! i’m so happy for you!” you smiled widely.

“thank you, y/n. it really means a lot coming from you.” he said, gently grabbing your hand.

please don’t do that. please don’t break my heart into even more pieces.

you slowly pulled your hand away from him, earning a slightly confused expression from spencer.

“so, tell me more about maeve.” you said, making sure he can’t read through you.

“well...”

spencer continued talking as you silently listened and ate the rest of your food (although your appetite has been ruined), talking about maeve’s incredible work in her field and her favorite books. you tried your best to keep your happiest expression on as you hear your best friend (and crush) gush over someone else.

wow, she’s perfect for him.

“she sounds amazing, spence.” you tried your best to smile at him.

as soon as you got back to your place, you finally let the tears flow out of your eyes , sliding down your front door. your body trembled as loud sobs left your mouth, even the hand that was placed over it couldn’t muffle the sounds of your cries and breaking heart.

when you find yourself calming down, you walked into your room and changed into your pajamas as you tried to catch your breath. you unpacked your work bag at your desk. as soon as you took out your journal, you immediately turned to the pages that contained your unsent confessions.

of course he doesn’t like you, stupid. he never did.

you ripped the letters from the spine of your notebook and threw them onto your desk. ignoring the mess you just created, you walked to your bed to get some shut-eye as you let more tears run down your face.

-

you couldn’t let yourself be sad anymore. you had to walk back into work the next day with a smile on your face, making sure none of your coworkers could tell that you were breaking. you let yourself get distracted with cases and paperwork, and even continued talking to spencer like you normally would (because he would definitely notice something was up if you had suddenly stopped). over the next few weeks, you find yourself actually befriending maeve.

“hey spence!” an unfamiliar, yet honey-like voiced called out, causing everyone to turn away from their work. you looked up to see a woman with dark auburn hair carrying a brown paper bag as she walked towards spencer’s desk.

wow, she’s really pretty.

“hey, maeve.” he smiled, placing a kiss on her cheek.

“spencer, how come you didn’t tell us you had a girlfriend?” derek smirked at him.

“we just started dating. everyone, this is maeve.” spencer introduced to the team. everyone said their quick hello’s while you got up from your seat and walked up to the couple.

“so you’re the girl my best friend has been talking to,” you genuinely smiled at her. “hi, i’m y/n.” you said, offering your hand to her.

“it’s nice to meet you! i’ve heard so much about you!” she smiled back at you as she reached out to shake your hand. you raised your eyebrows in surprise.

fuck, and she’s really nice too.

sometimes, maeve would come visit the bau and eat lunch with you and spencer.

“on my way here, i saw that this one clothing store was having a sale.” maeve said as she took a bite out of her lunch.

“oh i saw that!” you exclaimed. “i heard that they were closing, so they decided to have a huge sale. it’s sad to see them go.”

“we should stop by sometime! i think i saw a really cute dress that i wanted to try out.” maeve suggested to you.

honestly, you didn’t feel like a third wheel. it actually feels good to be getting along with spencer’s girlfriend.

“that sounds like fun.” spencer chirped.

“shhh, babe, the girls are talking,” maeve joked as he pouted, causing you to laugh. “i’m kidding! you can come along if you want.” she grabbed his hand as he gave her literal heart eyes.

you felt your heart sting a little.

you would talk to maeve when spencer would bring her over to a family dinner at rossi’s.

“he did what now?” maeve’s jaw dropped in excitement as you told her a story about her boyfriend.

“y/n, don’t tell her, please.” spencer pleaded.

“no, y/n, tell me.” maeve encouraged.

“yeah, y/n, tell her.” derek joined in, placing his head on his hand as he leaned in to listen.

“fine,” you sighed. “spencer wanted to show me how great he is at nunchucks. it was going pretty well, until he accidentally hit his...well, his man parts.” you explained. maeve bursted out laughing along with the others.

“hey!” spencer pouted as he nudged your shoulder with his.

“i’m sorry, it was funny.” you giggled as he ruffled your hair.

“well, now i know what to not get you for your birthday.” maeve smiled. spencer laughed, giving her a kiss on the lips.

you tried your best to not grimace.

you even invited her for a girls’ night out with the rest of the bau ladies.

“thank you for inviting me!” maeve said, giving you a hug.

“oh it’s nothing. you’re dating spencer, so that means you’re a part of our family now.” emily grinned at her.

“and you look amazing. i see that you’re wearing that dress you bought when we went shopping together.” you added.

“you’ve noticed! and thank you for convincing me to buy it, i love it so much.” maeve smiled.

“we’re back with drinks!” penelope yelled as she and jj walked back with a tray full of alcohol. “oh my god, maeve, you’re here!” she smiled at her.

“i am.” maeve laughed.

“oh my god, i forgot to get you a drink! i’m so sorry, i didn’t know what to get you.” penelope practically cried.

“that’s fine, i can go grab something real quick.” maeve stood up from her seat.

“i’ll come with you. i’ll pay for the drink!” penelope said as she followed her back to the bar.

you, emily, and jj took a sip of your drinks.

“so, y/n,” emily started, causing you to turn your head towards her in confusion. “are you okay with all of this?”

“all of what?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“maeve and spencer dating.” she answered. your eyes slightly widened.

“yeah, i’m okay with it. why wouldn’t i be okay with it?”

“because we know you’re in love with spencer.” jj said. you almost choke on your drink.

“i’m not!” you immediately denied. “he’s my best friend.”

“y/n, you might not be that open with your feelings, but we can tell that you like spencer and that him dating someone else is hurting you.” jj explained, putting a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“and we might’ve read your journal.” emily muttered. you sighed.

“yes, i do like him, but i can’t do anything about it. he looks so happy lately and maeve is such a sweet girl. they’re perfect for each other and i don’t want to ruin that for them.” you shrugged as the girls looked at you with sympathy.

“okay, we’re back!” penelope yelled, causing you three to put on a happy mask. “let’s get this party started!” she added as the rest of you cheered and danced the night away.

despite the random times your heart would hurt after seeing spencer and maeve showing affection, you were genuinely happy for him.

“hey y/n,” spencer called out to you from his desk, causing you to look up from your files. “why are you still single?” he asked bluntly, causing an eavesdropping derek to spit out his coffee.

“first of all, ouch,” you sarcastically scoffed. “second of all, i just haven’t had time nor found the right guy.”

and that i’m madly in love with you.

you ignore emily and jj raising their eyebrows at you.

“well, i can set you up with someone i know.” spencer grinned.

“spence, you don’t have to do that-”

“yes i do! you’re my best friend and an amazing person and i want to see you happy.” he explained. you were definitely ignoring emily’s and jj’s eyes practically popping out of their heads.

right. best friend.

“besides, we have the weekend off. you can go on a double date with me and maeve at the foreign film festival!” spencer beamed.

“oh, i don’t want to be a bother.”

“you won’t be! and i think you’ll like this guy.” he said with confidence.

me liking a guy who isn’t you? i don’t know about that.

“please y/n.” spencer begged. after a few moments, you sighed.

“fine, i’ll go.” you agreed in surrender.

“great! i’ll text you the details later.”

maybe this blind date will actually go pretty well and i’ll finally get over spencer.

-

you arrived to the park that the festival was being held at, carrying a picnic blanket as you sported a cute midi dress.

“y/n!” a familiar voice called out to you. you turned to see spencer waving to you with one arm as the other was wrapped around maeve’s waist. you noticed another familiar figure standing next to them.

“hey guys!” you smiled as you quickly walked up to them, giving spencer a hug.

“you look amazing!” maeve complimented you, bringing you in for a quick hug as well.

“thank you, you too!” you grinned at her. you turned to the third person, giving him a friendly smile.

“y/n, this is-”

“agent anderson.” you smirked at him, surprised that spencer had set you up with a coworker.

“please, call me grant. you look beautiful.” he smiled at you.

“thanks, you’re not so bad yourself.” you smiled back.

grant wasn’t a horrible guy. you’ve had small talk with the guy before, and you were actually shocked to see that he shared a few similar interests as you. and you weren’t going to lie, he was quite the looker.

“we still have another half hour until the screening starts. let’s walk around and check out the vendors.” spencer announced, grabbing maeve’s hand as they walked away.

that definitely did not hurt. and you are on a date right now, y/n.

“see you later, lovebirds!” she shouted, causing you two to laugh.

“let’s go, shall we?” grant offered his arm to you. you grinned as you wrapped your arm around it.

as you two walked around, you found yourself having a good time while talking to grant. you both talked about where you’re from, what made you want to go into criminal justice, and even teased each other for the snack choices you both bought for the films.

“i’m telling you, sour patch watermelon is better.” you argued as grant laid down the picnic blanket next to spencer and maeve (who were already cuddled up next to each other).

“at least you get different flavors with sour patch kids.” grant raised an eyebrow at you. you huffed as you took your spot next to him, popping another piece of candy in your mouth.

“aw look, they’re already having their first fight, how cute.” spencer teased, earning a popcorn thrown to the head by you.

soon, the first movie projected onto the big screen, the noises dying down as it started. grant wrapped his arm around you (after asking you politely, which you accepted) as you watched the movie with ease, seeing that you knew the language it was playing in.

“hey, y/n?” grant whispered.

“yeah?” you raised your eyebrows as your eyes were glued onto the screen.

“funny thing, actually. see, i don’t know really know what they’re saying,” he gave a nervous chuckle quietly. you looked at him with confusion. “i thought they were going to have subtitles.” he confessed as you tried to suppress a laugh.

“don’t worry, i got you,” you gave him a small smile. “so far, the guy and the girl are from rich families and their parents are making them marry in the next month.” you explained.

“oh,” he nodded. “wait, what’s happening now?” he looked at the screen with interest.

“that guy over there,” you pointed out the weird-looking man. “is trying to make sure the marriage doesn’t happen. he said he’s gonna seduce the girl and marry her and take her money and kill her.”

“not with that mustache.” grant joked, causing you to chuckle.

you kept translating for grant, trying to keep quiet as he kept making funny remarks. you were having a great time with him, until you heard giggles from your left.

you turn your head to see maeve smiling as spencer’s lips were centimeters away from her ear  (assuming that he was translating the movie for her too) as his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders. you couldn’t help but feel you heart breaking again.

“you okay, y/n?” grant whispered closely to you. you slightly jumped, snapping your head towards him.

“yeah, i’m fine.” you faked a smile.

you both continued translating and joking around as you ignored the pain in your chest. after a couple more hours, the film finished with a happy ending, causing you to tear up (and grant to wipe them away with the sleeves of his sweater).

“that was such a good movie.” spencer said as the four of you walked to your cars.

“i know! i started crying!” you said, earning laughs from everyone.

“y/n, you cry at everything though.” spencer teased.

“i do! it’s a talent of mine.” you quipped, raising an eyebrow at him as grant laughed.

“well, this is us,” maeve said as she and spencer stood by her car. “we’ll see you two later!” she bid goodbye as you hugged her and spencer.

“see ya!” you waved goodbye as they got in the car.

“may i walk you to your car?” grant offered.

“sure!” you accepted as you led the way. a comfort silence fell between you two as you walked under the moonlight.

“you’re in love with him, aren’t you?” grant broke the silence. you stopped in your tracks.

“what?” you furrowed your brows.

“spencer. you like him.”

“what? no,” you shook your head as you continued walking. “he’s my best friend.”

“i don’t need to be a profiler to notice the way you look at him,” he shyly put his hands in his pockets. “and i’m guessing you let him set you up on a blind date so you could get over him.”

“i’m sorry grant,” you sighed. “you’re a great guy, really. and i had a lot of fun tonight.” you sulked.

“y/n, it’s totally fine. you can’t control who you love,” he patted you shoulder in comfort. “i think you should tell him how you feel.” he suggested. you looked at him like he was crazy.

“that sounds like a horrible idea, grant,” you laughed. “as you can see, he’s in a happy relationship.” you said as you arrived to your car, leaning on your door.

“i’m serious! you really should.”

“and why would i do that?” you crossed your arms.

“first, spencer looks at you the way you look at him. second, you should hear the way he talks about you.” grant explained.

“no way. he’s just being a good friend and he’s known me for a long time.”

“when he was talking to me about setting us up, he talked about you as if you had put all of the stars in the sky – he was blushing and even stuttering! trust me y/n, i know. tell him before you lose him for good.” he rambled. you sighed, not wanting to get your hopes up.

“i don’t believe you for one bit,” you both laughed. “and besides, i don’t want to ruin spencer’s happiness.”

“you both deserve to be happy,” he smiled at you. you lazily smiled back at him. “listen, i gotta go. thank you for tonight, y/n, it was nice getting to know you more. even though this date didn’t go as planned, it was nice to make a new friend.”

“thank you grant.” you pulled him in for a warm and comforting hug.

-

you scrolled through netflix as you tried to decide on a series to binge-watch with spencer.

spencer: hey y/n, can i come over and hang out with you?

y/n: sure, why?

spencer: maeve’s caught up with work.

y/n: oh, is she okay with that?

spencer: yeah! she knows we’re just friends.

yeah. just friends.

spencer: wanna watch something? i’ll let you pick.

y/n: sure!

spencer: great! i’ll see you in a bit. :)

yay. great.

you finished putting down bowls of your favorite snacks on the coffee table when you heard a knock. you rushed over to open your door to see your best friend smiling at you.

“hey, come in! i hope you like watching new girl again.” you opened your door wider, letting spencer walk in, he immediately jumped onto your couch. you laughed as you sat next to him, pressing the play button on your remote.

“so, how was the date? what do you think of grant?” spencer asked as the show played in the background.

“it was fun! he’s a cool guy.” you answered.

“that’s great! did you guys kiss? when’s the wedding?” he joked.

“hold your horses, bud,” you rolled your eyes at him. “we did not kiss and there will be no wedding. we actually decided to be just friends.”

“what?!” spencer’s eyes widened. “why?! you two looked so good together.” he pouted.

“i know you worked hard to get us together, and i appreciate you for doing that, but it’s for the best. now can we get back to new girl?” you asked. spencer nodded as you two glued your eyes to the tv.

after a season had finished, spencer looked to you, only to see you knocked out. he shook his head in amusement as he stood up and walked to your room to find you a blanket. before he could grab your blanket, your desk caught his eyes.

“what a mess,” spencer muttered to himself as he tried to organize the files that sat on top of a pile of paper. he moved a few folders and started to organize the papers until he started reading them. “what are these?”

dear spencer,

you are the sweetest person i know. you always bring me my coffee order (i would ask you how you remember my order, but then i realized you have eidetic memory) along with my favorite muffin. even when i have already gotten my order, you still show up with two coffee cups and a paper bag and give me my half. 

to be honest, i feel bad that you’re always spending on me, even if it’s just coffee and muffins and you always tell me that it’s nothing. but i appreciate that you’re always thinking of me – and that’s one of the many reasons why i have fallen for you.

love, y/n

“fallen for me?”

dear spencer,

i wonder how many facts go through your head at a time. i also wonder what kind of books you’ve read to have come across those facts. and with the amount of facts that your brain has obtained, i wonder how fast it takes for your brain to bring up a fact that relates to whatever we’re talking about.

despite the random times you started rambling about a topic and someone from the team stops you, i started to find them fascinating. they’ve interested me enough to the point where i started to do some research on my own whenever you brought up a random fact. your fact dumps are cute – you’re cute.

love, y/n

“y/n thinks i’m cute?”

dear spencer,

oh boy, the things you do to me. i know you’re my best friend, but there are times where it just feels like we could be so much more. remember when we were hanging out at my place and we were watching star wars for the hundredth time? we were having a great time, until you wrapped your arms around me and started cuddling me while we finished the rest of the movies.

i got scared, but i didn’t stop you. i let you hold me in your arms and even wrapped my arms around your torso and leaned on you, hoping that you didn’t notice my heart beating louder and faster than usual. i shouldn’t be feeling this way for my best friend, but goddamnit spencer i’m in love with you.

love, y/n.

“she’s in love with me?”

“s-spence?” a voice called out to him. spencer turned his head to see you with a terrified look on your face. “what are you doing with those?”

“i- are these love letters? to me?” he asked. you visibly gulped.

“those were from a long time ago.” you tried to explain as you felt your eyes starting to sting.

“why didn’t you tell me?” spencer sounded like he was about to break. you deeply inhaled before speaking.

“i was scared of ruining our friendship and obviously you don’t see me that way. there was no point in telling you since you’re with maeve now. i meant to throw those away, but i guess i forgot.” you lowered your head. spencer sighed as he tried to take everything in.

“y/n-”

“can you leave?” you asked slowly. “i think we both need some time to be alone right now.”

“but we need to talk this ou-”

“spencer, please.” you looked up at him with tears that were ready to fall. he understood and walked out. as soon as you heard your door close, you fell onto your bed, hugging your legs to your chest, sobbing until you let darkness consume you.

-

after a few days of taking some time off, you were called in for a local case. the moment you sat at your desk, you could feel spencer’s eyes on you. ever since that night, you haven’t returned any of his calls or messages as you tried to recover yourself from getting your heart broken. and now that you’re back, everybody could feel the awkward tension between you two. you tried to ignore it, putting your focus on the case. 

luckily, hotch could tell what was going on and decided to pair you off with emily for the day. the case you were working on wasn’t as severe as the others you have worked on, so as soon as the team delivered the profile, you went out to lunch with grant.

“and then i asked him to leave.” you finished explaining the incident to him.

“i’m sorry that happened.”

“it’s not your fault. my dumb ass forgot to throw away those stupid letters and now spencer and i can’t even look at each other.” you sighed as you continued to eat your lunch.

“don’t say that. it was better that he found out sooner or else your feelings would’ve eaten you up the longer you kept them in.” grant raised his eyebrows at you.

“you’re right. i just miss him. i miss seeing him and talking to him and i messed it all up. god, even after a few days off, i’m still not over him.” you lazily poked your food.

“the wound is still fresh. no one expects you to be alright right away. but it does help if you talk to him.” he suggested.

“what is there to talk about? spencer doesn’t like me and he’s happy with maeve – end of story.”

“yeah about that,” grant nervously chuckled. “spencer broke up with her.”

“what?” your eyes widened. “why? they were so good together. i didn’t want him to break up with her because of me. now i feel bad.” you frowned.

“he didn’t tell me exactly why they broke up, but i’m guessing it has to do with how he feels about you.” he shrugged.

“about me? yeah, sure.” you roll your eyes in amusement.

“you’ll never know unless you talk to him.”

“how do you always know what to say?” you grinned at your friend.

“it’s part of the charm.” he said, earning a laugh from you.

you soon returned to work to wrap up the case. hours later, it ended with a quick arrest with no one else getting hurt. you relaxed into your desk chair as you started on paperwork.

hours later, you found yourself being one of the only people left in the office (along with spencer sitting at his desk and hotch in his office).

“are you sure you don’t want to come get drinks with us? paperwork can wait until tomorrow.” emily offered as she, jj, derek, and penelope were ready to hit the town.

“as much as i would love to, i think i’m just gonna stay in tonight after i’m done. thank you though, and have fun for me!” you smiled at them, giving them quick hugs before returning back to work.

after a couple more hours, you finished the last of your paperwork, bringing your pile up to hotch’s office.

“here’s that paperwork i’ve finished. i also finished morgan’s pile,” you said, placing the files on his desk. “is there anymore that you want me to do?”

“no, you’ve done a lot today. get some rest.”

“okay, thank you.” you smiled at him.

“thank you again, y/n, have a good night.” he said, not even making eye contact.

“thanks, you too.”

“oh, and y/n?” hotch quickly said, lifting his head up. “talk to reid.” he simply said. you softly exhale.

“yes sir.” you nodded, giving your boss a small smile.

you quickly returned to your desk, looking up to see that spencer had already left. you slump your shoulders in defeat.

maybe i’ll talk to him tomorrow.

you opened your drawer to grab a few items and placed them in your bag. you checked the drawer again to make sure you didn’t miss anything, until you noticed some things that weren’t there before.

envelopes? what are those doing there?

you picked them up to see your name and a number written in an eerily familiar handwriting on one side. you carefully opened the envelope that said ‘y/n (1).’

dear y/n,

you’ve always intrigued me. not gonna lie, when i first met you, i was intimidated by you. you carried yourself with such confidence and ambition, i instantly thought that we were opposites – that you would be annoyed by me. but then i got to know you. you greeted me with a big smile, and i honestly felt my knees wobbling.

you are the sweetest girl. you’re so understanding and you always make everyone’s happiness your number one priority (although i do think it’s not a bad thing to be selfish sometimes). you’ve done so much for everyone, especially the team, both inside and outside of work.

when i found out you had a secret love for superheroes and science fiction, we became closer. i told you everything and whenever i felt down, you were the first person i went to, and you did the same to me. i am so grateful to have you by my side. i know you aren’t one to open up a lot, but i’m happy to be that one person you let break down your walls sometimes.

love, spencer

you started choking on air as your heart started picking up the pace. you picked up the second letter, opening it a little faster than the first one. you took a deep breath before you started reading the longer letter.

dear y/n,

for someone who has eidetic memory, i can’t pinpoint the exact moment where i realized i was starting to have feelings for you. there are so many moments where i see you as more than just my best friend, it’s honestly the little things you do that just gives me butterflies in my stomach.

like your first christmas with the team when you gave me several pairs of star trek socks. you told me you felt bad for not getting me something more expensive, but i love them. i’ve worn those socks more than any other pair i own. there was another time where you sent my mother a gift basket just because you thought she was feeling down. i didn’t know you sent her one until she called me out of the blue, wanting to thank you for cheering her up – i honestly didn’t even know you two regularly talked to each other. i don’t really talk to anyone about my mom until i met you, and it really means a lot to me seeing you check up on her when i wasn’t able to.

but what made my heart flutter the most is when you came over to jj’s and helped watch henry with me. i can usually take care of that little rascal without trouble, but i guess one night he decided to eat a bunch of candy and run around the house. you basically teleported (which is not scientifically possible, yet) and managed to catch henry and help him settle down. i couldn’t help but admire you with loving eyes as you made henry laugh while you tucked him into bed. you’re really great with kids and would make an amazing mother someday.

this letter was longer than usual and i got a little carried away. i just wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful person who deserves the world.

love, spencer

you felt a tug at your heartstrings as you smiled from ear to ear. you looked at the last envelope, feeling a little bit scared to open it. nonetheless, you ripped the top open, taking in another deep breath before reading.

dear y/n,

i really am an idiot, aren’t i? ever since the night i found your letters, i felt like the biggest jerk in the world. i broke your heart many times without even noticing, and seeing you cry that night made me feel like absolute shit. i hate that i’m reason you’re hurting and i would give everything up just to make you happy again.

after thinking things through, i broke up with maeve that same night. i love her and she will always have a place in my heart, but she isn’t you. and before you start to think that it’s your fault, it’s definitely not. i made the decision to end things with her, and don’t worry, she’s okay and she actually understands. i’m 100% sure of my decision.

i’ve never met anyone like you. you’ve been in my thoughts and dreams for the longest time. when i fell for you, i fell hard. i didn’t even think you would see me as more than just a best friend, and i am such an idiot for thinking that i can replace you. you deserve true love and happiness and i hope you find that someone that gives you their all – even if it isn’t me.

love, spencer.

you wiped the tears off your face as you read the last sentence.

“holy shit.” you managed to breathe out. 

you quickly got up and grabbed your bag and car keys and sprinted to the elevator. you bounced your leg as you anxiously waited for the elevator to reach the parking garage.

run to your car. speed to spencer’s apartment without getting pulled over. slam on his door until he answers it – i’ll kick it down if i have to.

as soon as the doors open, you started running to your car. as you got closer, you spotted a tall figure leaning on your car, stopping in your tracks and almost dropping your keys.

“spencer?” you said, causing him to jump up a little.

“hey y/n.” he scrambled, trying to get himself together.

“you waited for me?” you stated the obvious. spencer nodded, giving you a nervous smile.

“seeing that you were still up there for a while, i’m guessing you read the letters.” he lightly scratched the back of his neck.

“oh, i had one more case to file,” you started to joke. “what letters?” you raised an eyebrow. spencer’s eyes widened.

“well, this is awkward. i guess i’ll get going-” he started to walk away.

“i’m just kidding!” you exclaimed, gently grabbing his wrist. “i did read them.” you said quietly.

“oh.” spencer cooed.

“look, i didn’t mean to put you in that situation. i really was happy for you two and i know you said it’s not my fault you broke up with her, but i can’t help but feel guilty. i’m sorry.” you felt tears building up again.

“please, don’t be,” spencer grabbed your hands. “yes i liked maeve. she’s a great person and all, but what i felt for her was nothing compared to what i feel for you.” he confessed. you felt your heart racing.

“really?”

“yes,” he chuckled. “and if you don’t feel the same anymore, i’m totally fine just being your best friend. i’d rather have you in my life as a friend than as nothing at all. and i know you deserve someone who makes you happy and won’t break your heart and-”

before spencer could finish, you placed your hands behind his neck and pulled him in for a sweet, yet passionate kiss. you felt him smile as he held your face in his hands, deepening the kiss. soon, you both pull back to catch your breaths, and you found yourself looking at him as if he held the entire universe in his eyes. you gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“i want you.” you lazily smiled at him.

“can i ask you something?” spencer raised his eyebrows.

“anything.”

“did you throw away those letters?” he asked. you thought about his question, realizing that you never really did touch those letters ever since he found them.

“actually, i didn’t. why?” you looked at him with confusion. spencer suddenly started smiling mischievously. he snatched your car keys out of your hand and ran to the driver’s side.

“we’re going back to your place and i’m reading every single letter you wrote me!” he laughed.

“spencer, no!”

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Attacked in their Sleep

@badthingshappenbingo​

hey look a bingo! :D

Prompt: attacked in their sleep

Fandom: Ninjago

Character: Kai

Trigger Warnings: blood

Cold gaps dig holes in his memory and he does not know why.

Cole has never been a particularly forgetful person, but recently, he just… can’t remember. Little things, like why he entered a room or when he fell asleep or when he got out of bed. But they’re gaining frequency, and he’s beginning to get worried.

And the headaches. They’re not the worst he’s ever had, nowhere near a migraine, but like his forgetfulness, it’s more how often it’s been happening recently that’s bothering him.

Other times, when he’s alone, he gets this feeling that someone is there with him. That someone is… watching him, even, but every time he looks, there’s no one there.

He tries to tell himself it’s paranoia.

He doesn’t tell the others, though. It’s probably just a result of dehydration and a lack of sleep, and he’s always hated to cause a fuss. He just needs to take better care of himself, that’s all.

He wakes up in the middle of sleepwalking on far too many nights. He’s never been a restless sleeper (has he?), but this is almost enough to cause concern.

He’s sure it’s nothing, though. Sleepwalking is plenty-common (hell, even Kai is an occasional sleepwalker!), and it’s not like he’s going to find his way outside and get hit by a car. He hopes.

But until it’s actually something worth mentioning, he’s not going to whine about it. Everything is fine.

- - -

Kai is sure that he isn’t the only one who’s noticed that Cole is acting off. Nothing huge, nothing to the point that they should be intervening, but enough to cause some concern.

Cole is… absent. His attention is always just under where it should be, he’s forgetting simple things, like what day it is or who’s turn it is to cook or even what his favorite video game is called. And Kai knows bad dreams when he hears them. He did practically raise Nya, after all.

Cole hasn’t been sleeping well at all. He’s always tossing and turning, sometimes even making noise (usually minor sleep talking. Stuff that doesn’t make sense, like “I won’t” or “don’t make me”). Kai assumes that it’s based on something that happened in his past.

Besides Cole, everything has been pretty normal. Well… as normal as things can be when you’re a group of ninja fighting off evil snakes and a power hungry lord of darkness. Zane has been adjusting well to finding out that he’s a nindroid (Jay has been using that term so much that it’s kind of just stuck), the kid is staying with them and is finally figuring out that endless pranks will result in some very pissed off ninja, and Nya is — well, a samurai, but Kai can’t tell anyone and it’s going to drive him nuts pretty soon. But still, he’s proud of her, and she’s more than proven she can take care of herself. 

Kai is laying in bed, and he can’t tell what woke him up. A glance at the clock reveals it to be just past three in the morning. The room is pitch black, and everyone else is asleep.

He yawns, adjusts a little, and is just barely asleep when he hears a noise. The quietest creaking of a floorboard, nothing too weird. But something twists in his gut and he’s just about to sit up to investigate when something stabs into his chest.

Kai’s eyes shoot open, and he grabs the arm of whoever is attacking him, and he tries his best to keep the blade from going any deeper. He tries to scream, but finds that he can’t make a sound.

Whoever is attacking him is strong, and they’re putting up more of a fight than Kai expected. He’s struggling, and they’re gaining ground, inch by inch. If he doesn’t do something, it’s going to hit something vital to his survival.

He kicks his legs out, taking the chance to roll out of bed and run. The blade rips out of his skin, tearing the wound open even further, but the trailing blood is the last thing on his mind.

He barely makes it outside to the training course before he’s all but tackled, and they both fall to the ground. They’re rolling around, kicking and hitting and all things in between before his assailant, their dagger glinting in the moonlight, poses to strike. Only now does Kai get a look at who it is.

Cole.

With vacant red eyes and a blade raised high and aiming to kill.

Kai barely has time to shake himself out of his stupor before he manages to get up, grabbing a katana from the weapons cabinet. 

“Cole,” he says, finding his voice, even if there’s not much of it. “Dude, think about what you’re doing!”

Cole just lunges at him, and Kai is finding it horribly difficult to fight him without hurting him. Red eyes, why does he have red eyes—

“It’s the Hypnobrai, Cole! Come on, snap out of it! You know you don’t want to do this, I’m the cool one!”

Metal grinds against metal as their blades meet, then come apart again. Kai and Cole are usually pretty evenly matched in training. But with a ruthless monster controlling him…

Suddenly, all of Cole’s recent mannerisms are beginning to make sense.

Kai is backed against a wall, and Cole raises his knife… then freezes. His hand begins to tremble. Then his arm, then his whole body.

“Please don’t make me,” Cole whispers, and Kai takes this as his chance to dodge and put more space between the two of them. He needs to figure this out, and quick.

“Come on, snap out of it before one of us gets hurt,” Kai practically begs, crying out as Cole’s blade slashes his arm. In retaliation, he swipes his sword. He doesn’t realize just how much harm he’s done until he feels the tip slice through something more than just fabric. 

Cole gasps, stumbling back and dropping his weapon. Kai can’t react before the doors to the monastery burst open and the magic flute is playing and Cole is blinking harshly, confused.

Kai throws his sword, running to Cole and dropping to his knees beside him. Cole is on the ground, looking much like a small child who’s lost their mother in a grocery store.

“Dude, Cole, are you with me?” He asks, ripping his own pajama shirt and holding it over Cole’s wound. It makes a squelching sound, and he can’t suppress a shudder.

“I think so…” he says, though it’s clear enough that he’s still processing. “You’re bleeding!”

It’s now that the pain of almost being stabbed (almost) right through the heart catches up with him. Huh, that adrenaline didn’t last very long. 

“Have you seen yourself recently?” He asks instead, if only to distract himself from the burning pain. If he’s in pain, he can’t even imagine how bad it is for Cole. 

Someone is beside him, pulling him away from Cole. He fights back, cries out, tries his hardest to stay with him, but they persist. The world blurs around him, and he closes his eyes to avoid getting dizzy. It doesn’t work.

There’s voices, a lot of them. Kai feels like he’s underwater, drifting farther and farther away from anything he should be hearing. Gradually, the world fizzles out.

- - -

He wakes up to whiteness. For a moment, he thinks he’s dead. But then his mind catches up with him, and he realizes that he isn’t dead, just in a hospital. He groans, doing his best to sit up. Nya is beside the bed, slumped over in a chair. He wonders how long she’s been there.

Kai doesn’t want to wake her, but there are questions he needs to ask.

He calls her name in a hushed tone, doing his best not to startle her. She stirs, blinking a few times, then startles and sits up fully.

“You’re awake!” she cries, nearly tripping in her haste to get to him. She hugs him, and he can tell how much she’s restraining herself when it’s awkward and gentle. Normally, she would practically crush him.

“You had me worried sick,” she says, dragging a chair over to the side of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

All in all, he’s had worse. The worst part about this is how groggy he feels. He relays this to his sister, who looks more than relieved.

“Where’s Cole?” he asks. Nya looks uncomfortable, averting her eyes.

“He’s down the hall.” she says after a moment, shifting in her chair. “We weren’t… sure if you’d want to see him.”

Kai stares at her, trying to convey how wrong that is. Of course he wants to see Cole! The idiot is probably miserable, blaming himself for something that he didn’t even do!

“It was the serpentine!” he blurts out, “they did it, not him!”

“No, no, we know! We just weren’t sure if you did.”

“It’s kind of hard to miss red eyes!” In his excitement, he moves too rapidly, and wow that hurts.

Nya helps to situate him, propping up some pillows so he can sit up easier.

“I want to see him,” Kai says.

“I’ll see what I can do. But, the others are gonna wanna see you first.” Nya says, getting up and heading for the door.

Kai sighs, but agrees. He’d much rather see Cole first and make sure he’s okay, but seeing the others isn’t the worst thing he can think of. As long as he actually gets to talk to him.

- - -

“Stupid meddling ninja!” Skales yells, flicking the end of his tail against a rock and launching it against the wall.

He’d been so close, so close, to getting rid of at least one of them, those pesky little brats, and then the others just had to ruin his plans!

He’s still not sure how the white one (whatever his name is) had managed to play the magic flute without actually holding it, but however he’d done it, he forgot to take one thing into consideration.

A recording of the flute, while still somewhat effective, just won’t work as well as the real deal.

While his control over the black ninja may have faded, it’s not completely gone. He can most definitely use this to his advantage.

[mediocrethoughts]

Recalling the Past and Reading Someone’s Memories

Journal for November 12, 2020 (7:55 PM) to November 13, 2020 (5:02 PM)

I woke up at around 7:55 PM because of my alarm yesterday, November 12, 2020. I wanted to sleep some more because I felt really tired, but I needed to attend my class. When I looked in the mirror, I looked so dead with dark circles around my eyes. I was too tired to even wash my face so I just took a long sleeved shirt from the wardrobe and put it over the white shirt I was wearing yesterday before I slept. When I got accepted into the Google Meeting and when we proceeded with the class without Sir Hans asking us to open our cameras, I heaved a sigh of relief. At least I’d spare myself the embarrassment of looking so bad compared to when I was made up when we presented our reports last time.

Anyways, we continued to discuss about the Magna Carta and related it to the movie Dead Poets Society still. Along the way, it kind of still surprised me how some students weren’t able to watch it completely yet. It’s a good movie! The trick is to really try to enjoy yourself while watching the movie and just not think of it as something that you’re required to watch. That way, if you really enjoyed the movie (without the heavy feeling that you’re only watching it out of responsibility), you’d be able to easily recall scenes that you can relate to anything. Of course, going back and opening the file to properly recall the scenes you’re trying to recall helps as well.

We ended class early again! We finished Article V this time. There was actually a point in the discussion where we talked about inappropriate or immoral acts of teachers and stuff, and I wanted to input a gossip I heard from a schoolmate during my time in UP, but it seems that a lot of the other students had lots to share, so I didn’t volunteer to share (also because I’m not even sure now if it’s true or not).

I’ll just write it here! Actually, I had this professor for a law subject of mine during my first year days. He had broad forehead, which he also admits to having, but his body was lean, like you can clearly see that he has a flat tummy and probably some muscles hiding underneath the sophisticated clothes he wears. He was actually a lawyer as well as a professor there in UP before. Lots of us had crushes on him actually! He has two kids,but he seems to be separated from his wife, and what comes out from his mouth really seemed intelligent and pretty much, he was a really cool teacher.There was even one point when I thought he might’ve had his eyes on me because of an interaction once:

My friends and I were on the way out of the AS buildings when he was also on the way to the parking lot (we had to pass by the parking lot before we’re able to get out of the AS premises). As usual, I was ahead of my friends because I usually had my own world. He sort of asked us in general (if I remember correctly) where we were from. My friends answered first, and then I said I was from Yati. I think he said something along the lines of, “Oh wow! I’m from Yati as well. If you need a ride on the way home just let me know.” It was most likely a joke of course, but it got stuck in my head and my innocent (and presumptuous) mind thought of it too much.

 Anyways, when I turned second year, I heard a gossip about him dating a senior of ours in the BA Psychology course. I never really knew if there was any truth to gossip, but since there’s gossip like this, there should be a little basis, right? 

That story aside, after my class, I was so intent on doing something productive. I told myself, “Okay, I’ll be finishing one of my school requirements today.” However, I ended up telling myself again, “Fine! I’ll just do my school stuff after I finish this video of mine for YouTube. It only requires like 5% work left anyways.” Well, I failed because I got attached to my game again. I swear I hate myself and my addiction to games.

Around 11:30 PM, I started to get hungry. Because I was intermittent fasting, my proper feast time was supposed to be around 12:00 AM, however, since there was only a few minutes left, I decided I’d eat. Me, Nivan, and Amber went to the kitchen to look for food, and also wait for his order. Amber has been sleeping at dawn lately. I don’t know why but her yaya lets her sleep at around 5 PM in the afternoon so she wakes up at around 7 or 8 PM which means that she wouldn’t be sleepy around 10 or 11 PM which was supposed to be her sleeping time last week. I made a note to myself that I should tell the yaya to not her sleep in the afternoon tomorrow to make sure that she’ll sleep again in accordance to the Philippines’ timezone.

When the food arrived, we ate and then went back in again after. We’ve been giving Amber her YouTube videos lately (something we’re really guilty of doing), so she’s just stuck in bed with me, nursing and watching her YouTube. I started to get really sleepy, so... I fell asleep around 1:30 AM and left Amber awake watching her YouTube with Nivan. I kind of remember telling Nivan in a half asleep state to get her YouTube away from her at 2 AM even if she cries so that she’ll sleep. 

I woke up at around almost 6 AM in the morning and saw that my baby was sleeping on the bed where her head was near my back. I was facing the other way, so if I didn’t wake up and move around, I probably would’ve pressed on her head. Sigh, I don’t get why Nivan still doesn’t move Amber when she’s asleep. 

Anyways, I woke up wanting to work on my school stuff again, but then I saw that my Filmora app was still open. My video was still waiting for me to finish it, and so I decided I’d do it. I was recording my voice overs when when Nivan tapped my shoulders and told me that I promised him that I’d help with a video that he needed for his work. Agh! He also asked if I wanted anything to eat, which I said yes to since I have only eaten once during my eating window. So while he was away making food (or mandating ate Amy on what food to make, I’m not sure), I was editing the video he needed for his work.

By the time I finished working on his video, it was also time for an event in my game. Sigh. I got stuck playing the game again. The food that Nivan went out for earlier only arrived at around almost 9 AM (my eating window was supposed to end before 8 AM). I made a mental note to adjust my eating window again. A few minutes later, the choco chip cookies he ordered the other day arrived, so I thought I’d try some and just readjust my sleeping schedule again.

After eating, well... I sort of proceeded with finishing my video. I finally got to like 1% worth of work left, and then Amber woke up. I was also playing my game while editing the video (mostly playing the game, really), so when she woke up, I brought the iPad to the bed and played there while also talking to Amber. I was having a really bad migraine that time and I can’t seem to find my pain-killers. I was searching for it and playing (mostly playing, again) for an hour or so, until I finally found it right in front of my face... but hiding. It was underneath the laptop I was sitting in front of! When I finally took the painkiller, the pain subsided. 

I swear, I hate my migraines. Whenever it’s not there, I take every moment for granted. Whenever it’s present and pounding the right side of my eyes though, I definitely can’t wait for it to be over.

Well, around 1 PM, Amber blurted out that she misses her wowo and uncle (my dad and my brother), so I decided to video call with them. It’s been a long time since we went home to my place, and we really miss them. I’ll make sure to go there with Amber next week.

It was supposed to be my sleeping time already around 2 PM, however, since I slept at 2 until almost 6 AM, I wasn’t feeling sleepy. I also didn’t have anything to do in the game, and so I decided to download the book ‘The Diary of a Young Girl’ by Anne Frank. It’s actually a book that we’re required to read for our Prof Ed 2 class, but boy when I opened it, I got really interested! Reading this book might be something I’d really enjoy, after all. It wasn’t the lengthy type every ‘chapter’, instead it was really like how diaries are supposed to be.

While reading her diary, it made me want to write on this again. So while reading her entry for July 10, 1942, I decided to spring out of bed and start writing this journal before I lose my will to get out of bed and write anything. 

So far, I am not yet on the brutal or sad parts of her diary and it made me realize that this historical girl was just a normal girl before everything that happened to her happened. On her first entries, she sounds like a presumptuous teenager to me. (I can say this because I never called anybody an ‘admirer’ of mine if they were just staring at me all day, especially when I was still 13 years old. They had to tell me straight to the face that they admire me before I brand them as my admirer in my head... although I was already assuming that they were indeed admirers, I knew that I was too shy to admit it, even in my own writing. So having read that she boldly thinks they were her admirers, and also putting her really honest thoughts like disliking someone, and even describing their flaws as a person in her own diary, she was a really honest-to-oneself person. I envy her.)

I’ll continue reading the book now! I don’t think I’m gonna sleep anytime soon since I still have class at 6:00 PM so I’ll just wait for it and finish it then sleep.

I’ll write here tomorrow again!

Yours, Angel

[sheisrelationshipanxiety]

He was the first to listen to me.

I’d always tell myself that this is where it all started for me. My anxiety definitely manifested largely through this experience, but this can’t be the only reason why.

I was 14, 15? Perhaps. I come from an extremely provincial town where our population is probably the size of most normal high school populations. For scale, I graduated with only 80 people in my senior class. I was the only student of asian descent in my entire school. It was hard growing up where I was from. I had friends, but I was often mentally alone. No one understood me, and thus I was outcasted for who I was. My life was very mundane, until he came into it and stirred up a storm. 

This story is a sad and silly story about an internet crush that went very south. 

I started an Instagram page around this time, it wasn’t anything special. Just awkward photos of myself that I thought were cute at the time, but in hindsight they were outright cringey as fuck. I was that asian girl that liked to take cute photos and model after that ulzzang theme, which is a Korean word meaning “best face” or “good-looking”. These ulzzang models would have contact lenses that made their iris bigger (I never actually went this far thank god), eyeliner to make their eyes appear puffy because somehow that was cute, and very minimal facial expressions that were just...well cute. It was a regular day where I continued to post these awfully adorable photos. However, this time, I received a special comment. 

“you’re so cute!”

His fake name is Roy. Damn was he handsome. Perfectly exemplifying the desired image of a male ulzzang. If you are still confused by this term and by what these models look like, simply look it up and you will catch my drift. We kept commenting in my comment section like a bunch of losers, but nevertheless, it gave me butterflies. He was so handsome, and he noticed me. My 14 year old self was enthusiastic. We exchanged kik usernames (wow this was further back than I thought) and started to chat over the app. I learned these things about him. He was kind, honest (italicized for a reason...wait for it), handsome, talented, uni student, lived internationally, and came from a family with a lot of money. He sounds perfect right? I’m not a gold digger, I don’t care for the money, but I was 14 at the time and it was just an added bonus. Plus, I was so traditionally asian when I was younger. We are always trying to look for a secure partner for the future, and that’s of course in financial terms as well. We spoke back and forth everyday. He lived in Singapore, so the time difference was quite dramatic. He fed me compliments that made my little heart soar. 

I come from a very traditional asian family where not many words of affirmation and appreciation are exchanged. It just simply isn’t a part of our culture. The children are expected to be the best, and any slip up resulted in a very harsh berating from their parents. I didn’t have the best childhood because of this. I was always walking on eggshells, waiting to be yelled at. Waiting to be told that I was worthless because I grabbed the wrong soysauce off of the shelf. This cultural habit of my parents translates into emotional abuse here in the states. It wasn’t until I was much older when I realized how much it fucked me up. I was a small, insecure, and brittle teenager. My parents pushed me to be perfect, while simultaneously uttering insults under their breath any chance they could. Their parents and family members treated them like this, so why would they raise their children any different? We couldn’t communicate about our problems because there was no way to do that. We had no form of communication. My parents were so traditional in the worst way possible that they never understood how I felt, and they always thought I was ungrateful because I had depression and major insecurities. I would tell them that I was sad because people in school didn’t understand me and my dad would say “Get over it. It doesn’t matter.” I’d tell my mother I was depressed and she would tell me “You have nothing to be depressed about. I was depressed when I lived in poverty in Asia, you are so ungrateful.” In the hierarchical sense, children weren’t allowed to speak to their parents about many things because it would be a form of “talking back”, especially if the parents disagreed.

That’s why Roy had me hooked. He was giving me these words of affirmation and constantly listened to my feelings when I struggled with my family. He had me wrapped around his finger. I felt like for once someone was there to listen to me. He was my little secret. He felt like a warm blanket freshly out of the dryer, He felt like hot chocolate on a chilly day outside. I’d message him while I was in class, when the kids were being stupid, being bullies, he was there for me. I was that one girl smiling at her phone in the back. He really made me happy. But then everything started to go downhill from here. 

He claimed that he started to feel sick, so sick that he was often passing out and was in need of medical assistance. As you can understand, this troubled me deeply. I suggested that he go and get his health checked-out. He returned from his appointment to tell me that he was diagnosed with - a brain aneurysm. “What the hell is that?” my very confused 14 year old self thought. After much research I realized how serious those conditions were. He would get major migraines everyday. They would hurt so bad that he would disappear for days because he would be in the hospital. My whole world was falling apart. What would I do without him? We have never spoken on the phone, or have we ever facetimed. It wasn’t him, I just never suggested it. We planned a lot of things for the future. We wanted to meet, eat ice cream together, talk about our lives, embrace, and just comfort one another. He didn’t have a supportive family either. They were always gone working, because his family was so focused on making money. He was raised by a nanny, and she was like his own mother. He had many insecurities in his life, despite the nice cars, nice clothes, nice haircuts. I have a soft spot for people who need someone there for them. It’s always been in my nature to nurture others. At the time, I really believed that I was in love with him. He was all I knew when it came to boys, and he was so kind to me. 

“You’re the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.” “I want to help you realize how amazing you are.” “I think all of your insecurities make you perfectly imperfect to me.”

 We go back and forth for many weeks regarding his brain aneurysm. I stayed up many nights crying and praying for things to be alright for him. I’d cry and wonder why life was so unfair. The one time I find someone who seemed to really care about me, to seem to really listen to me, life wants to take them away. His aneurysm progressively got worst and eventually he had to get surgery. Surgeries for this type of problem are extremely risky. He briefed me over what percentage of living he had, when the surgery was, how long it would take him to recover, what they would do to him. It was all so awful. I felt so alone, I was so young, I couldn’t do anything to help him, certainly not through a screen. I was invested in him. He doesn’t message me for a while after that, and when I confronted him about it he said he didn’t want to drag me into this problem. That I should “move on” so that I wouldn’t suffer. But when I was stubborn and insisted on staying put, he tells me the worst thing imaginable.

“Wait for me. If I make it, I will come back for you. I promise.”

So I did. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and eventually years. I never heard from him again. I was utterly heartbroken. Cold. Empty. He left me, just like that...and in the worst way possible. For the longest time I thought he died, I thought that the operation was unsuccessful. But then, I was shrouded by doubt, insecurity. What if he left me because I wasn’t enough? What if there is another girl? What if this was a scam this whole time? What is wrong with me? Why won’t he love me? Is he alive? Is he dead? Where is he? Is he okay? This became one of the darkest moments of my life. I was so vulnerable, so alone because I couldn’t talk to anyone. All I had were my thoughts, my nasty thoughts fighting me. My parents words turned into my own as I tore myself apart. My chest felt heavy, my head hurt with all of the insulting words, my heart burned like fire. 

Of course I wasn’t good enough. But what if it was real? What if he died? No, I’m just a loser. I hate myself. 

This type of thinking was chaotic and toxic. I cried every night for months, I lost all of my self confidence, the little that I had. I was a mess and I felt deep down inside there was no way to fix it. One night, I distinctly remember crying by my bed. I was bawling, all alone, frustrated at the world and at myself. I made a promise and said

“You will never be with another man. You will never trust another man. You will never be in a relationship.”

That statement still stands today. I started something completely and totally irreversible. This situation, my childhood, all of my traumas, come together to form the most confusing, painful, and frustrating case of relationship anxiety.

I found my closure in this story a few years later. Two girls reached out to me through my instagram DMs. Both at different times, and both unaffiliated with one another. They tell me that they were his ex. One girl was just as confused as I was about what happened for him. I found out that he was dating her during the time that he and I were talking. But then the other girl finally fills me in. She tells me that she was his current girlfriend and that she had answers to end my restless inquiries. She tells me that he’s known for talking to multiple girls, that she was trying to change him. She told me that he is not who he said he was, that he was a different guy disguised as whoever was in those pictures. He was a catfish. But she fell in love with the real guy. However, I am convinced they were both kind of crazy. He was awful to her, distrustful, flakey, yet she loved him and couldn’t leave him. I found an out to that situation and finally received my closure. Years later I finally know it was all bullshit, and it really fucking sucked because the damage had been done. An attitude becomes a habit, and there was no way I was breaking this habit anytime soon.