#i act like it’s so noble to stay sober and make myself suffer but sometimes taking drugs is the only way for me to function and that’s okay

[boomerang109]

:D

[doudecim]

I want to say that 99% of the fics here are on FF.net for I have only recently discovered the wonders of AO3, and I still didn’t dig deep in there to find all the HitsuKarin goodies.

That being said, I will put the list under the cut because this will be one very long post. So, I hope you all enjoy it!

one-shots

A Constant Fascination, by back-in-a-bit. — 'Colour me blood red passionately.' Hitsugaya makes it his personal mission to get Karin to blush. Pity it's easier said than done. In fact, it might just take him a lifetime. [rated T]

A Fall in the Fall, by MeteorLeopard. — This was ridiculous! There she was, just looking at the fish, and the next thing she knows, she's up in a tree being held against her will! And it's all his fault! [rated T]

a little suffering is good for the soul, by the milliner’s rook. —  Future fic. If there are stupider ways to get courted, Karin can't think of them. [rated K+]

A Woman Scorned, by Glowing Blue. — The twisted fairy tale of Karin finding her own invite to the ball, though she's hardly looking for a Prince Charming. [rated T]

but leave the soul alone, by the milliner’s rook. — AU. Death, it's catching. Or: the one where Toushirou and Karin share night shifts at the hospital. And coffee. Terrible, terrible coffee. [rated K+]

Collection, by ichilover3. — A drabble/oneshot dump. Shenanigans, silliness, and sexy-times abound. Also alliteration, apparently. [rated M]

crawl into your shadow, by the milliner’s rook. — AU. There's a witch in this sleepy little village now that goes by the name of Karin, but nothing has changed since she's arrived. Not really. [rated T]

Delirous, by carved in the sand. — Matsumoto finds her captain to be a lovestruck teenage boy. [rated T]

duckling theory, by the milliner’s rook. — The first thing Karin notices is watermelon. Looking back, maybe it should have been startling green eyes. [rated K]

For You, by Glowing Blue. — Death had never been the paradise everyone wished it to be. But then they found each other. [rated T, two-shot.]

frostbitten, by the milliner’s rook. — Set during the time skip. The winter they meet is unkind with snow. [rated K+]

Frozen Moments, by CrazyAce'n'PokerFace. — 101 drabbles/one-shots that give a glimpse into Toushirou and Karin's life together. A love story told in snapshots. [rated K+]

funny valentine, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — I'll be yours if you'll be mine. [rated K+]

humour me, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — True love's kiss. That ought to do it. [rated K+]

i’m high on believing, by the milliner's rook. — For the record, he prefers his plain black shoes to her fancy red sneakers. [rated K+]

ice breaker, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — AU. There are better ways to get found out than making out in a closet and tumbling onto the ground. [rated T]

if my heart was a compass you’d be north, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Future fic. Give me a reason to believe. [rated K+]

In Every Season, by Adobo-chan. — A collection of HitsuKarin oneshots. [rated T]

In the Dark, by ichilover3. — It really wasn't anyone else's business. She should be allowed to fornicate with midgets if she wanted to. [rated T]

innocent guilt, by SebonzaMitsuki27. —  AU. Oh, I know! You're a tramp with wings! [rated K+]

Juxtaposition, by Lady Azar de Tameran. — Something within Hitsugaya Toushirou thinks that he may have met his match. [rated T]

keep me in your pocket, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Set during the timeskip. Don't stay out of touch, okay? [rated K+]

Kuchiki Rukia, the Glorified Courier, by MeteorLeopard. — Delivering super-top-secret messages between dimensions is tough work; believe me, I know. If it weren't such a rewarding experience I'd downright refuse to play the messenger. Honestly. [rated K+]

liliputians, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Future fic. It's alright, kid. I'm short too. [rated K+]

Lovely Complex, by Unknown lazy ass. — She slyly grinned, “Wow, you really are head over heels for me, aren’t you Toushirou?” [rated K+]

Momo knows Best, by MeteorLeopard. — Sometimes having a meddling older sister... sucks. [rated T]

of halos and wings, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Future fic. He had betrayed Hinamori with nothing but his heart. [rated T]

Old Haunts, by the milliner's rook. — Future fic. You were just gone, Toushirou, what was I to think? I thought—I thought you'd come back, and you did, twenty years too late. [rated T]

Peeping Tom, by Glowing Blue. — The love story of Hitsugaya and Karin, as seen from open windows and heard through thin walls. "Hisagi's eyes had a tendency to stray." AU. [rated T]

phantasmagoria, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Flickering through black and white, they find their perfect shade of grey. [rated K+, two-shot.]

put down your sword and crown, by the milliner's rook. — AU. When her old man dies to save Ichi-nii's life, everything changes. Days after the funeral, the word Quincy is spoken for the first time, and at five years old, Karin becomes defined by it. [rated K+]

Red, The Colour of Despair, by the milliner's rook. — It was strange how much difference one colour could make. [rated K+]

Revenants, by carved in the sand. — Hitsugaya ponders the ghosts that haunt the girl he still loves. [rated T]

Sports and Sex are Universal (but never the twain should meet), by back-in-a-bit. — Toushirou gives Karin a flat look. "I'm not high-fiving you over sex," he says. [rated M]

Subtle, by nublados. — Toshiro comments on the subtlety that is Karin Kurosaki. [rated K+]

The Art of Asking, by Felix02. — He should have known that her father wouldn't be able to keep a secret, especially from one of his daughters. [rated T]

The Art Of Getting By, by the milliner's rook. — AU. There's some difficulty between juggling flirting, killing Hollows and getting to class on time with the hottest guy in high school, but Karin's certain she'll get the hang of it eventually. [rated T]

The Staircase not Taken, by MeteorLeopard. — Perhaps it was a good thing that the stairs were destroyed, her brother acting demented and a violent fight going on without her just upstairs. After all, the visitor who happened to drop by was worth the wait. [rated T]

the winter sun smiled for things to come in spring, by the milliner's rook. — What is it with you! You're either too young or too old! What the hell! [rated T, two-shots.]

Urahara's Lawn Mowing Service, by MeteorLeopard. — Incorrect phone numbers are a messy business. Even messier though is the business that happens after said incorrect phone call. "Fine, but I bet your girlfriend didn't call back because your lawn needs to be mowed." [rated T]

velocity, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — Aim for the goal, and don't look back, no matter what. [rated T]

where angels fear to tread, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — They belong in hell. [rated K]

You Taste Like Birthday, You Look Like New Year, by the milliner's rook. — Future fic. She likes his hands, Toushirou notices. Loves them, in fact. [rated M]

complete

lune, by SebonzaMitsuki27. — AU. Me and you and moonlight shivers. [[rated T] other main pairings are ByakuyaHisana, ShinjiHiyori and UlquiorraNel, so beware that HitsuKarin is not the only focus in this one.]

Waterlogged, Wind-chapped, and Sun-bleached. — They grow up together, and the slow progression of their relationship shapes their world. AU. [rated T]

Wendybird Chronicles, by the milliner's rook. — She wonders if they ever had a chance. If they might have missed it, somehow. [rated K+]

on going

Wrong Number, by Lunatasha. — Unknown (10:22): So! I just read all of the conversations I had last night while I was out drunk and thoroughly embarrassing myself and please let me apologise for bothering you (especially as I think you were working if you were in your office?) last night. I mean in hindsight I probably should have stopped messaging you as soon as it was clear you weren't who I was looking for, but drunk me apparently hates sober me so yeah, I'm sorry. That being said thank you again for helping me out even though I must have been bothering you, I appreciate it. [rated T]

Only in Dreams, by TullyBlue. — Brother, she had called him, but he spent the entire meal acting like she was a ghost. Eating with the twins, he can’t even imagine being that cold to his sisters. Yuzu’s laughter brightens his day and that admiring glint in Karin’s eye, that he only catches every once in a while, means the world to him. The so-called brother in his dreams makes Ichigo’s skin crawl. Everything else, though, he wants to see more of, to know more about, to understand. Old, wood floors, a spacious room, flowing black robes, and those swords... [[rated T] other main pairings are IchigoRukia, UryuuChad, GanjuHanatarou, so beware that HitsuKarin is not the only focus in this one.]

abandoned or on permanent hiatus, probably won’t ever post a new chapter again

Blizzard Blues, by the milliner's rook. — Future fic. I heard your brother had an eight pack, Captain Hitsugaya! That he was shredded! [rated T]

Catalyst, by Etiena. — With captain-level shinigami in her family, it is no surprise that Kurosaki Karin has potential. But it isn't family which triggers her change. Instead, a chance encounter with a young shinigami captain leads to startling revelations. [rated K+]

Go Against the Grain, by Adobo-chan. — Old law deems that only a son may become the Kurosaki House's next leader. Born from this ancient tradition, a tragic betrayal and her mother's sacrifice, Karin is brought up as Kurosaki Kazuto, the 29th head of the family. [rated T]

oh sinful rose, by the milliner's rook. — AU. Five years after the monarchy is overthrown, a noble finds a forgotten princess in chains. DISCONTINUED. [rated T]

Quandary, by Glowing Blue. — Funnily enough, meeting such a spirited single mother was actually part of his job description. AU. [rated T] (I love this one so much!)

Roommate For Sale, by SavageTrickster. — AU. There are many things in life that she didn't know, but the one thing Kurosaki Karin was certain of is that her overprotective brother is going to blow his top when he meets her new roommate.

[shastashein]

Stuff it's taken me too long to learn:

-Deal with problems! Deal with problems! Deal with problems! Stop sweeping everything under the rug! Stop dismissing every issue! Stop pretending it’s okay! These behaviors are the reason I dissociate so much. “Pretend it isn’t happening” has helped me get through difficult times but it is clearly NOT okay to adopt it as a life motto because then nothing will ever improve. I am resilient enough to acknowledge when things are not okay and still make it through alive. I cannot keep choosing distance and numbness over presence and feeling every time. I need to stop running away. I can handle being here, sober and awake and real, even when it feels like I cannot. Relapsing, falling back into habits of self isolation and self destruction, and fucking up in other ways are bad but they are forgivable because there is always more time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again tomorrow. Death ends suffering but it also crushes all potential of happiness. THAT is unforgivable. I can hit rock bottom and pull through but not if I am dead. I will keep going on the belief that everything will be okay and that will have to be enough. Therefore…

-I will never kill myself because I do not actually want to die. I desperately want to be stable and okay, I panic when I do not have these things, and perceive the desperation at not having any immediate solutions as a desire to die. I can acknowledge that I want life to be different, and that it will be a slow and difficult climb to get there, but it is achievable and I have good people in my life who can help with that. Even when I do not see any chance to improve, it is still not death that I crave, but rather to live and feel better. It will hurt people I care about if I should die, and so while death will sometimes seem to be the easiest option for me, I cannot afford to take it because it will cause too much pain in others. Like it or not (there will be plenty of both) my ONLY choice is to work towards recovery so that I can be good to my friends and not struggle so much all the time. I accept that my life will continue to be very difficult, at least in the short term, but the more work I put in now the easier things will get. Whether or not I deserve to get better is irrelevant. All that matters is that people will be less upset if I do not kill myself, and recovering will allow me more opportunities to make people happy because I will be able to be more present.

-Vulnerability is strength. Trust is healing. If you find someone you feel you can trust who wants to be in your life, take chances on them. Open up even if it makes you feel like a burden, let them understand what makes you tick. Emotional intimacy is terrifying but it won’t kill you and it’s worthwhile to push aside your fears and neuroses about being too much (easier said than done, i know) in order to foster mutually beneficial relationships. One-sided friendships hurt everyone in the end.

-If I want to pursue close friendships with people who are good but also fucked up and broken, I can. We can have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship but I have to stop hiding things then. The way to go about it is to be as open and honest with them as possible, not to try to shield them from anything and everything unpleasant as I have in the past. Other people deserve to know exactly where we they stand with me and make their own decisions about how to proceed based on that. Treating sensitive people with kindness is obviously important but using kid gloves with them is going too far. I can be kind without lying. Treating others like helpless children is stressful for me and insulting to them. I need to be honest and set boundaries sometimes because things can work out if I don’t hide everything from people. Running myself into the ground for people is counter intuitive and hurts everyone. (To expand on this: Do you act like a martyr in your friendships/ relationships? Pretend nothing phases you while you while run yourself into the ground to care for someone else? Fuck off with that. I’m serious. I’ve done this all my life and it’s not worth it. It’s never worth it. Don’t fight to appear indestructible and don’t live just to make someone else happy while ignoring your own needs. It’s impossible to keep up long term. It will feel noble and selfless and good in the short term. You will be proud of yourself for how good you are at compartmentalization, caring for people, and comforting others. But you will also live with this terror of becoming “selfish” (read: acting in any way that considers what is best for you). You will never speak up for yourself; always work to prove that you’re chill, nothing bothers you, everything the other party does is fine by you because you just love them so much! And how could you say you love them if you’re not okay with absolutely everything they say and do? Right? The longer you spend like this, not letting yourself feel anything, the worse it will be. You will grow to resent them and to hate yourself. You will lie more and more. It won’t be okay and that will be your fault, because you built your relationship on lies instead of trust. Communicate honestly and communicate more. It’s worth it. It’s not fair to the people you love if you hide yourself from them. Good, loving people can make mistakes, and if you always pretend that nothing is wrong they will never be able to learn and grow. Your white lies are stunting them, so stop.)

-Failing that… Burn bridges. It’s okay to hate people without faking affection for them. It’s okay to cut ties even if they’ve been good to you in the past. You are not compatible with some people and some people are not compatible with you and that doesn’t mean either of you are bad. What it does mean is that you might be better off without each other and it isn’t shameful or weak to admit that.

-Expect change. You are never as set in your ways as you think. We are all changing all the time. Things will never be exactly this bad (or this good) ever again. So brace for hardship, because there will be more, but you will survive it just like you’ve survived everything else. It’s okay to have survival be your only goal. If you’re just barely scraping by you’re still beating the odds and that’s commendable. Appreciate the good times because admittedly they can be fleeting, but you can also relax into them because not every good day needs to be treated like your Last Ever good day. “This too shall pass” is a cliché for a reason. Things get better or things get worse, but they won’t stay that way forever, and rest assured that your last happy moment has not passed. There will always be more to look forward to.

tl;dr: 1. vulnerability is more good than it is terrifying (though it’s plenty of both) and you can never go wrong with more communication.

2. Being alive is horrifying but not all of the time. Every life represents a million potential happy moments in the future, even yours, even when all you can see in store for yourself is suffering, so it would be foolish not to stick around to see what will happen next.