#i accidentally saved this to my drafts instead of posting immediately with all my other sleep deprived text posts

[dontbelasagnax]

I heard it through the grapevine that Cody and Obi-Wan are kissing right now. If true please send photo evidence.

[terresdebrume]

Work is kinda hectic rn, my knees are NOT liking how much traveling between floors I have to do, and I am missing sleep like crazy so my WIPs are staying largely untouched but I HAD to push out this concept for a maybe-someday fic in the I'm down on my knees universe

Written for the free square day of @painlandweek . Have some hurt/comfort ft Charles and how he feels about his mum. Also belatedly tagging @ghostinthelibrarywrites bc I think you'll enjoy it and I accidentally posted a thing that was meant to stay a draft again xD

Charles is sitting on the doorstep. It's almost eight PM on a weeknight, Edwin is just back from a fun-study session—which is really just Maren's way of saying she wants beer with her textbooks—tired, brain swimming with texts of law, and more than a little tipsy... And Charles Rowland is sitting on his doorstep. His building's doorstep. The difference is irrelevant.

Caught off guard, Edwin blinks, and stares at Charles.

He is curled up on the ground, spine back in that parenthesis shape it had back in school. His elbows are on his knees, hands buried into the hair at the back of his neck, his eyes closed. Edwin takes in the tension in Charles' shoulders, the way the fading sunlight catches the green vines tattooed on his left forearm, the slow, deliberate depth of movement around his ribcage, and decides against calling out to him. Instead, Edwin walks up to him until Charles can no longer ignore the footsteps, and waits for him to speak.

"Hi," Charles says, muffled, from between his elbows.

"Hi," Edwin replies, chest twisting when the last hope he had that Charles was just a bit tired evaporates like rhum from a flambé.

He steps forward again, then ignores the fresh layer of summer dust on the steps and sits down next to Charles, deliberately picking a position that makes their hips and shoulders touch. Charles leans into it immediately, turning a light contact into solid pressure, and Edwin sighs. Things could be worse.

"I did not expect you tonight," Edwin prompts, trying to make himself as gentle as he can.

Tuesday nights are when Charles and Niko's dance classes take place. Edwin has never known either of them to miss one, so Charles' presence here is one more sign that whatever is going on is not to be taken lightly. As if to confirm Edwin's suspicions, Charles sighs, and mumbles:

"I ran into my mum."

Edwin freezes. For some reason, in the few months since he and Charles reunited, it never quite clicked for him that Charles' parents, for all that Charles hasn't had any contact with them for nearly eight years now, exist in the same world they do. London is such a large, dense city, it is easy to make your life in a corner of it and never step outside its boundaries. Edwin's parents certainly treat Kensington like an insular country only worth leaving for the richer shores of Mayfair, when they deign to visit the capital at all. Just like Edwin and Charles existed less than ten minutes away from each other for months without having a clue, the possibility of him running into Mr. or Mrs. Rowland by accident did not even cross Edwin's mind. Nor Charles', from the look of things.

"That must have been a shock," Edwin says.

He does not know enough to infuse more feelings into his response. Charles, for all that he shares his smiles, his affections and the chief of his worldly possessions freely, has remained incredibly tight lipped about his past. The summary of what Edwin knows of Charles' youth is quite easy to make.

Fact the first: at the age of sixteen, not one term into his stay at St. Hilarion's School for Boys, Charles Rowland jumped into a pool full of a deadly allergy trigger to save Edwin's life.

Fact the second: for the remainder of that school year, Charles endeavoured to make Edwin's life as painless as possible. His presence remains, by far, the brightest highlight of Edwin's adolescence.

Fact the third: at the age of seventeen, or near enough, Charles ran away from what he described as a bad home situation exactly once and proceeded never to mention again. It is Edwin's understanding that Charles may have escaped with nothing but the clothes on his back that day.

Two of those facts, Edwin knows because he was a direct witness to them, and the third was only shared with him because he accidentally made it an implicit condition to renewing his acquaintance with Charles.

Charles Rowland is not an emotional sharer, and Edwin is sort of at a loss.

"Yeah," Charles mumbles after a beat. "It was a bloody shock alright."

Edwin bites on his bottom lip, resisting the urge to push his fists together.

"Would you like to talk about it?" He asks, hoping his voice conveys the appropriate mixture of care and caution.

Charles shrugs, sniffing and rubbing his face against one of his forearms. Edwin bites his lip a little harder, and cautiously raises his right hand to place it on Charles' back. He feels and sees the muscles tense, Charles arching his back like an angry cat for the half second it takes Edwin to take his hand back.

"I apologize," he says, hand hovering uselessly above Charles' shoulder blades, "I wanted—"

"Neck's fine," Charles mumbles, low enough that Edwin almost misses it.

He swallows thickly, pausing when the upstairs neighbors walk by with puzzled faces. Edwin doesn't quite glare at them but it's a near thing, and he turns back to Charles the second they're out of view.

"Alright," he says. "Neck, then."

He only touches two fingers to the nape of Charles' neck at first, trying to keep it light, but that makes Charles tense again so he changes to a more present grip, palm flat and only just brushing with the edge of Charles' hair. Charles doesn't move into it this time, but he doesn't flinch away either. Edwin feels Charles take a deep, soundless breath, like a swimmer before a dive, and braces.

"I. She asked how I was," he exhales at last, and the wind rushes out of Edwin's lungs with a punched out sound. "I haven't seen her in over seven years and she—"

Charles takes a shuddering breath, sharp and painful sounding, and his voice sounds utterly broken when he says:

"He used to beat me up, you know."

Edwin, who hadn't known but kept the possibility in his mind like a bad thorn, bites down on a sympathetic hiss and leans a little harder against Charles instead, stretching so he can lean his forehead against the back of Charles' skull.

"Charles, I'm so sorry," he murmurs, free hand grasping around until it can find the jut of Charles' left knee, and wrap his fingers around it, squeezing with as much reassurance as he can muster.

He wishes, abruptly, that he'd thought to take Charles inside before he started this talk. They both deserve better than the front step of Edwin's building, where another pair of neighbors gawks at them as they walk past. Yet, now that they're here, Edwin wouldn't cut Charles off for all the gold in the world. He fears with an intensity he didn't know he was capable of, that interrupting Charles now would send him back into his usual reserve, and Edwin knows with absolute certainty that he will go to great lengths to prevent that from happening.

"She never—every time he did it," Charles says, almost choking on the words, "she'd just stand—she didn't do anything! And now—now she—"

A long fit of coughing cuts Charles off, wracking his body and shaking Edwin's head even as he tightens his hold on Charles, as if he could make up for his childhood with how much he loves him.

"I'm so sorry," he tells Charles. "You deserved so much better."

Charles' cough subsides, melting into shuddering, soundless sobs that Edwin wants to take into his ribs and hide from the rest of the world. He straightens up and, as gently as he can, guides Charles to lean against him harder until his frame his half cradled in Edwin's arms.

"It's not bloody fair," Charles manages between sobs, gulping air like he's drowning, shaking against Edwin.

Edwin breathes in, tears crowding at the corner of his eyes, and holds Charles closer. He wishes, so desperately, that he could love him enough to erase the past and make all the pain go away.

"I love you," he says instead, recklessly, pressing a kiss into the side of Charles' hair. "I know it doesn't make anything better, but I love you."

They sit like this for a long time, Charles crying and Edwin rocking him lightly like a child, until things finally calm down enough that Charles is ready to go upstairs for tea. They drink it out of the blue mugs Monty bought when he and Edwin moved in, quietly sitting on the couch in one of those strange bubbles of relieved fragility that comes after a crisis. For a long while, they sit in silence on Edwin's couch.

Then Charles sighs, long and tired, and leans sideways until he can rest his head on Edwin's shoulder, one arm looping around his waist.

"I love you too, mate," he sighs, making Edwin freeze. "And it does make things better that you love me."

Edwin, his heart singing from Charles' declaration and bleeding from the way he meant it, nods, and drinks his tea.

[yourpsychosomatic]

I'm from the Stayblr community and saw the Kinktober ask game... is it on currently? If it is, can has reader giving Felix oral? Just a question... >w<

whispers. yes, yes you can. ✨

edit: I accidentally posted this instead of saving as a heckin DRAFT I am so sorry. 😭 but I’ll be writing this soon!! (and probably posting in an edit to this ask, so keep watch) ❤️

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Fixations

Kinktober Prompt #15 — oral sex Felix (receiving) x reader MDNI

Warnings: oral m!receiving, pet names, a few cuss words

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Today was lovely — the cool breeze flowing through multicolored leaves on the trees, ducks and geese alike honking as they swim around the river nearby. And it wasn’t as if today was special or drastically different than any other, just an ordinary autumn day.

Except for the fact that you and Felix were outside at a park, having an early dinner picnic and you were quite parched… but not thirsty for water.

He wasn’t entirely mindless of your fidgeting, but being that it was only about ten minutes into your day out, lounging on the soft blanket, he wasn’t so curious as to ask questions just yet.

It really wasn’t your fault….. not your fault that you kept thinking about his black skinny jeans, not your fault that the denim fabric bunched up just so around his crotch, not your fault that your eyes would dart over every time he shifted. God, it looked so smothered, like it was in the midst of asphyxiation… no, definitely not your fault.

He was simply eating the last of his sandwich when he noticed, again, your fidgeting. How you had only been taking small bites of your food and he had nearly finished before you — a feat in and of itself because he knew you loved to eat whatever he made for you. You were always the first one to finish, but not this time.

The only ‘bad’ part about it was that he caught on quickly to your moods — after all, that’s what sensitive boyfriends do, right?

“Alright, so are you gonna tell me what’s wrong, or are you gonna continue nibbling on your grapes like a baby bunny? What’s wrong, love?” He was frowning, pulling your chin up — and sadly — away from sight of his bulge so he could look you in the eye.

“What’s got you wound up, precious..”

Immediately you’re blushing, pet names have always been your kryptonite, chewing on your bottom lip and attempting to avoid eye contact as best as you can, one hand fiddling with the hem of your sweater.

“It’s nothing ‘lix, I’m just a little distracted is all-“

“Aaahhhh, nah nah, I’m not buying that.”

He scoots closer and you can see his pants shift, fold, bend. His crotch is literally r i g h t t h e r e. Your mouth waters and you attempt to swallow back the excessive spit, clearing your throat as you glance back up at him.

“I- ah- I’m….. distracted by your pants.”

Felix raises a brow and nearly smiles, giggling awkwardly as he tilts his head. “My pants?? What’s wrong with my pants? Are they too skinny?”

“Or… I guess… I mean…”

You weren’t very good with your words and Felix knew that, especially when it came to things like this - sexual things - so instead of answering again, you press your lips together, reaching forward to run your hand slowly up his thigh as his reaction changes. And now he was the one clearing his throat, glancing down at your hand as it smooths over the soft tent of his skinny jeans before both of you look back up at each other.

His eyes had darkened slightly, squinting at you as a slow smirk formed over those pretty pouted lips.

“Oh?? You wanted something different for dinner? Why didn’t you say so?—“

He was now grinning stupidly wide, reveling in how your cheeks had reddened even darker as he takes your hand and pulls you both up, giggling like a school girl as he practically drags you over to the car. Both of you stumble a bit over the scattered gravel parking lot, letting out slightly breathless laughs that finally breaks the ice. You bite the corner of your lip as he presses you against the door, leaning in to give your cheek a gentle play bite as you play with his fingers intertwined with yours.

“You want my dick so bad, don’t you, precious? ‘S’at why you’ve been staring at it the whole time we’ve been here??”

His voice had gone so low that it tickled your eardrum, causing you to shiver and squeeze your thighs together as he unlocked the car.

“Yes, babe, I wanna taste it. Want it more than our dinner.”

“Then let me be your main dish~”

He’d pulled the back passenger door open as you were talking, stepping backwards into the car and scooting across the seat as he tugs you with him. You were happy to follow, pulling the door shut and pushing him down on the seat, trapping him underneath you. A chuckle escapes his lips as you lean down to kiss along his neck, pepper them lightly across his jaw and finally press your mouths flush as your hands work, fumbling quickly to open his jeans.

He already looked so sinful with his hair fanning out messily on the seat, cheeks flushed showing off his freckles even more. Felix looked like the sweetest little cherub and it made you want to defile him all the more.

He cards his fingers through your hair at the nape of your neck, kisses growing ever so slowly more sloppy as you tug his pants down, shoving your hand into his underwear. Felix gasps and immediately a heavy groan is ripped out of his chest as your fingers grip tightly with the first tug on his length, already half hard from the thought of you sucking him off alone.

“Want your tongue, wanna feel your mouth, honey..” He was mumbling against your lips, not knowing where to put his hands as they grab at your clothes, your hair, even brushing over your chest. You hadn’t even started yet and already he was close to being such a mess for you, pliant in your hold. You pull back a little from your heated make out, licking your lips as you watch his eyes glaze over, lids fluttering, chest slightly erratic as he pants. Soft, short moans fall every time he breathes out and you bite down on your bottom lip a little harder, tilting your head as you work your hand up… and down… and up… and… down… slowly, ever so slowly.

“___, baby, please.” He croons your name and you can’t help but giggle at him, leaning down again to press a chaste kiss to his raw cherry lips before getting to work.

Felix was so gorgeous, and he was all yours.

You squirm back on the seat, pulling away to peel off your sweater and shirt with a short whine from him from the loss of friction. He was already reaching for it to quell his frustration.

“Oh, quit that, I’m right here you big baby~”

You snicker and swat his anxious hand away from his dick, leaning down again and stretching your tongue out to lick a fat stripe slowly up the bottom of it. That causes him to yelp and he reaches behind his head to grip the side of the door, the other hand twining back into your hair as you fist his cock again. You squeeze the base and keep the pressure on it for a little bit, staring down at it as the tip slowly grows an angry reddish purple. God, it looked so cute… you wondered if you had the money to buy a cock ring and decided to file that away for later, you’ll probably buy one when you both get home. It surely would come in handy and be a lovely addition to fun times like this.

Humming softly, you purse your lips and blow cool air over his tip, watching his hips shudder as he whines from the neglect, pulling at your hair gently, gingerly attempting to guide your head down.

“Mouth… your mouth.. please…”

You answer with a soft ‘hmph~’ in amusement, smirking up at him one last time as he’s looking down at you, lids half hooded and heavy with lust, lush lips parted with a soft ‘o’.

So you open your mouth and close just your lips around the tip, using the tip of your tongue to lap over his head with soft kitten licks. It was maddening for Felix, a weak yelp bursting out as he tugs on your hair, squeezing his eyes shut from all the teasing and tossing his head back on the seat.

“God damn it, ___.”

But with the last of your name on his tongue you push down and swallow his dick whole, pressing your own eyes shut as it knocks the back of your throat, gently stretching it. Felix gasps and groans your name loudly in surprise, both hands now fisting your hair as he quivers under your touch. His leg falls off of the seat and you settle between them, hollowing your cheeks out as best as you can before starting to nod your head.

And lord, did he taste so good.

You were so enamored by his length, his girth, the weight of it in your hand, on your tongue. You couldnt stand to not touch it, wanting it all the time like a bitch in heat — and who was Felix to deny you such a gift.

You moan around it and in turn Felix keens softly from the vibrations, no longer trying to prevent himself from bucking up into your face. He at least was holding back from being too forceful, but your inner self just giggles at his intense responses as you use your palms to press his hips down on the back seat.

Wanting to feel a little more of his skin, you pull Felix’s pants and boxers down just a bit more, sliding your hands over his bare hips, smoothing your thumbs through the dips on either side of his cock as you continue to suck all the precum and spit down your throat. You experiment a little and dig your nails into his hips, eliciting a squeak and jerk of his hips into your face so hard you almost cough, nose wrinkling as you bear with it and force a moan to get through the awkward feeling — you do NOT want to stop sucking. But you’ll definitely keep on using your nails to give him that extra tingle.

Felix starts to pant heavier than usual, moans turning into groans into grunts and you gradually let him guide your head down, controlling the speed of his hips with your hands and in turn giving him that delicious scrape of your nails as they meander back towards his ass. Each time, his voice rises a little higher in pitch, his ruts stuttering, his dick leaking into your mouth.

His hands grip your hair tighter by the second as your tongue works around his shaft in short curves, suckling eagerly on his tip every time he pulls back just enough to catch it.

“Ah, fuck.. that’s it baby… just like that…”

Felix was nearly mumbling nonsense at this point, and sometimes his tongue would loll out of his mouth as his panting turned uneven, although you couldn’t really see it too well. Glancing up at him through your lashes wasn’t something you liked to do too often since it felt uncomfortable, so you just resigned to listening to his pretty little noises as you worked his dick with fervor.

As your jaw and lips were beginning to get sore, you opened your mouth a little bit more and let the lewder sounds spill out, slurping and humming as you used your tongue to your advantage. Drool dripped from the corners of your mouth as Felix whimpered from the pulse of your tongue against the bottom of his length — he could feel his boxers getting damp against his thighs which made him even more horny, fucking up into your throat faster as soon as the heat in his stomach started to rise. His bare ass was probably scratched up like a cat’s clawing post at this point, but he was loving every second of your nails burrowing into his skin.

Although you may have been feeling some discomfort from being in that position so long and the rut of his hips was definitely making his dick rub your throat raw, you’d be damned if you didn’t see this through, would definitely hate yourself for ruining his orgasm. And in fact, you desperately wanted to taste it.

“I-I-…. fuck, I’m-…. I need t-… baby~ b-baby—”

Felix stopped gripping your hair so tightly and seemed as if he wanted you off him, but you would not let that happen — you wanted to taste his come so much that you tightened your jaw again, pressing your lips as tight as you could around his girth and kept on going at the pace his hips went before he started quaking in your hold. You dig your nails into his ass and Felix keens, arms whipping back for his hands to scramble for purchase as the first wave of his orgasm hits him.

Your boyfriend squirms in your grip as you hold him down, sucking along his length gently as his come spurts down your throat. You attempt to swallow it all every time his hips buck, wave after wave enveloping his lungs and releasing onto your tongue, and so you relax your mouth around him in exchange for lapping at the remnants dripping down his length. Slowing down with each nod of your head and gently pressing your lips against his pelvis at the base as you stop, nuzzling your nose into his pubic bone. You liked it here, loved being nestled so close to him, as his dick slowly softened. Even down here he smelled nice, all those pheromones and musky scents mingling together in the back of your sinuses. Mmmm…

You might want to pull away before you wind up giving him another blowjob. After all, you were still at the park.

He’s still panting, but a lot less harsh now, one hand coming down to card haphazardly through your hair, the sifting somehow gentle even though you could tell he was shaking.

“Fuck. ___, why’d you do that, you didn’t have to swallow, y’know..”

Finally, you gingerly pull your mouth off him, licking your lips to catch any stray and put some moisture back into them before dabbing at your face with your long-sleeve, chuckling weakly. He sits up and leans on his hands, quirking a brow in your direction.

“It’s okay to tell me, sweetheart.”

“Well, I-…. I’ve never tasted all of you before, so I just… I wanted to try it.”

Felix furrows his brow and bursts out laughing before he pulls his boxers up, tucking his dick away and reaching over to pull you against his chest. You can’t help but grin wide, giggling softly and hugging his waist as he presses soft, weak kisses over your cheeks, sighing and pressing his forehead against yours as his eyes close.

You feel so warm in his embrace, soft smile still plastered to your face as you fiddle with the neck of his shirt. You could stay like this forever and you’d be totally fine with that. …. Although, sucking him off was great, you’d miss it— on second thought—

Felix hums and pulls back to look at you, reaching up to fix your hair and tucking a few strands behind your ear, mumbling as he leans in for another kiss.

“We need to clean up the picnic…. but as soon as we get back home, it’s my turn on you, got it?”

A surprised giggle slips out and you nod eagerly, scooting away to pull your shirt back on.

“Got it. But now I’m actually hungry.”

Cue his deep cackle.

[gerrystamour]

so touch me again (i feel my shadow dissolving)

Rated E | Steddie Week Day 2: Fluff | 1200 Words | Complete

[ READ ON AO3 ]

“What’s up, baby?” Steve asks, voice deep with the last dregs of sleep around the edges, and he shifts a hand to cup Eddie’s cheek. “Missed you,” Eddie replies before he turns his face to press a kiss into the center of Steve’s palm. Even after years of soft, sweet moments like this with Eddie, Steve feels his heart melt under the warmth of his fondness for the older man. Stroking Eddie’s scarred cheek with his thumb, Steve says, “I’m right here, baby.” Eddie just nods, his mouth and nose still pressed into the center of Steve’s palm as he closes his eyes.  “Still missed you,” is all he says after a few moments, and Steve knows that to mean Eddie had a nightmare he doesn’t want to talk about. My entry for @steddie-week Day 2, for the prompt fluff!! I literally accidentally hit post instead of "save as draft" on AO3 so that's why this is ultimately being posted early. CW: This fic is rated Explicit for smut below the cut.

Steve wakes up to lazy kisses against his collarbone, curly hair tickling his cheek as the lips move closer to his throat. Sighing happily, Steve lifts his arms to wrap around Eddie sleepily as he dips his head for a proper kiss.

Eddie acquiesces immediately with a pleased hum into Steve’s mouth.

When they pull apart, Steve smiles at Eddie. There’s a streetlight outside their apartment that shines into their bedroom, casting a dim orange glow across Eddie’s profile that makes him look otherworldly. Ethereal.

“What’s up, baby?” Steve asks, voice deep with the last dregs of sleep around the edges, and he shifts a hand to cup Eddie’s cheek.

“Missed you,” Eddie replies before he turns his face to press a kiss into the center of Steve’s palm. Even after years of soft, sweet moments like this with Eddie, Steve feels his heart melt under the warmth of his fondness for the older man.

Stroking Eddie’s scarred cheek with his thumb, Steve says, “I’m right here, baby.”

Eddie just nods, his mouth and nose still pressed into the center of Steve’s palm as he closes his eyes.  “Still missed you,” is all he says after a few moments, and Steve knows that to mean Eddie had a nightmare he doesn’t want to talk about.

Spring of ‘86 was a distant memory for them, but sometimes it crept back up. Slowly, Steve registers the sound of rain hitting the bedroom window and pieces things together.

“Sometimes when it’s raining, it kinda sounds like the bats,” Steve remembers Eddie confessing back then after a panic attack. It makes complete sense to Steve, and a lot of his own triggers were just as innocuous and unavoidable. Steve knows what Eddie’s feeling well, that feeling after waking up from something dark and sad. How, even if the bed is warm and arms were around him, Steve would need to know for sure that he wasn’t imagining things.

Eddie takes a slow, calming breath in deeply through his nose before he shifts to press his lips to the inside of Steve’s wrist, snapping him out of his thoughts. With a contented hum, Steve directs Eddie into another kiss, this one deeper and more searching. Eddie needs to know Steve is there, that Steve is alive and with him, so Steve would give him just that.

As their breathing grows heavier, the movement of lips against each other growing sloppier and slicker with their spit, Steve pulls back to smile up at Eddie. “Missed you, too,” he says, and he buries a hand in Eddie’s hair to guide him back in for another kiss.

Eddie dives in with a hungry sound and Steve spreads his legs so his boyfriend could settle comfortably between them. They’re both still naked from earlier, and Steve knows he’s still loose and a bit slick. It wouldn’t take much preparation, if any at all, for Eddie to slide back inside him.

The same thought seems to occur to Eddie as he shifts so he can reach down between Steve’s legs and touch him there, testing the give of the tender ring of muscle. It hurts a bit, but with enough lube, the ache would be worth it.

“Eds, please,” Steve whines against Eddie’s lips as a finger presses inside, and he reaches over to the bedside table to grab the bottle of lube. Eddie immediately withdraws his finger and takes the bottle, slicking his fingers properly and pressing two inside at once. Steve gasps, his eyes rolling back as he arches up into Eddie and spreads his legs. “Eddie, please.”

Normally, Eddie would slow down with Steve begging like this so soon, but tonight he’s just as needy, just as desperate to feel the warmth of Steve’s body. Neither of them can take much teasing when they were both like this. Withdrawing his fingers, Eddie makes quick work of slicking his cock with a liberal amount of lube and lines up.

The inward slide hurts because Eddie was not very gentle with Steve earlier—per Steve’s request—but being held and kissed while being nice and full all over again was more than enough to make the pain worth it. Steve sighs happily as Eddie bottoms out, sloppily licking into Eddie’s mouth while the man above him groans thickly.

“So warm,” Eddie coos, his brow furrowed cutely as he starts to move his hips.

Steve lets his head drop back against the pillows to watch his boyfriend’s expression. He can’t help but be amazed by the way Eddie’s jaw goes slack as he makes love to Steve slowly, the way his eyes flutter on each push inward. The way Eddie looks so grateful every time he gets to have Steve like this is still overwhelming for Steve even after a decade of being together, and he figures he probably never will be used to it.

With a sigh, Steve gently strokes Eddie’s hair and face, watching him as Eddie takes what he needs from his body. It feels good, the ache subsiding and becoming distinctly enjoyable as Eddie’s movements against and inside him become firmer, more determined.

Eddie forces his eyes open to meet Steve’s gaze before he turns his head to kiss Steve’s hand again. Then he takes Steve’s thumb into his mouth, sucking on it gently with a low growl and Steve can’t help the punched-out noise that escapes. Steve drags Eddie into another kiss, shuddering as the change in position has Eddie’s cock hitting his prostate on every slide inward. The shift also has Steve’s weeping cock trapped between their bodies, Eddie’s lower abdomen rocking against it with every single thrust.

“Close, Stevie,” Eddie gasps, and Steve wraps his legs around him tightly. He was desperate to feel Eddie come inside him, to feel the warm bloom of his release as deep as possible.

“Do it, baby,” Steve encourages him, sliding a hand down to play with Eddie’s nipple. “Come inside me.”

That’s all it takes, all it ever really takes when Eddie gets like this, and he comes to a stuttering halt while his cock pulses in Steve’s hole. And Steve whines, his eyes rolling back at the rush of warmth around the twitching girth inside him.

Propping himself up a bit above Steve, Eddie reaches between them to stroke Steve’s cock, the movements firm and deliberate, single-minded in their purpose. It isn’t long before Steve comes in thick stripes over Eddie's hand and across his own stomach while Eddie rocks his softening cock in and out of him.

Finally, Eddie pulls out and shifts down the length of Steve’s body to lap up the mess on Steve’s stomach, moaning as he fingers Steve’s messy and slick hole. Steve hisses a bit, overstimulated but not pulling away either.

“So warm,” Eddie repeats, pressing one last kiss to Steve’s stomach as he withdraws his fingers and gets up.

Steve pouts as he watches his boyfriend shuffle into the bathroom, even though he knows Eddie was coming right back.

Sure enough, Eddie returns with a warm cloth to clean Steve up a bit. Tossing the cloth in the general direction of the bathroom door, Eddie collapses onto the bed and gathers Steve up in his arms.

By now, the rain has stopped and Steve sighs happily. They’re both happy, warm, and satisfied, reassured that they are both alive and well.

“I love you, Eddie,” Steve murmurs as he presses a kiss to Eddie’s smiling lips.

“I love you, too, Stevie,” Eddie whispers back, and neither of them pull away from the kiss until they’re barely able to keep their eyes open.

[ AO3 LINK ]

Taglist! @patchworkgargoyle, @scarcrossdlvrs, @steve-harringtits, @afewproblems, @matchingbatbites, @mylilplanet, @steddie-there, @steddieas-shegoes, @xenon-demon, @indigohightide, @inairbinad I hope you enjoy the fic!! Please consider reblogging!! Let me know in the tags or the reblog comments if you would like to join the taglist for the other Steddie Week fics!

[ax-y10]

Goofiness

In which- Ranboo infected you with his silliness

Request: Something about reader and Ranboo being silly and goofy friends @colorfull-cord

A/n: I FEEL SO BAD THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG IM SO SORRY! I am not lying when I had so much progress, then it got lost, then I accidentally posted it instead of saving it as a draft and I then deleted it accidentally and now I have to redo it I did not mean for this to happen I'm so sorry pls forgive me

Chapter info: Goofy, silly, Ranboo and reader being dickheads, swearing... (expect that from all of my work), mentions of anxiety, mentions of body and facial dysmorphia, and let me know if I fucked up Ranboo's pronouns somewhere

Pronouns: None (You/Yours)

Masterlist:

You guys would have the cutest little handshakes and greetings

For example: A soft headbutt followed by a handshake, a gentle poke between the collarbone followed by a hug, a harmless, sarcastic insult thrown at the other followed by laughter

People would either look at you both with a confused expression, wondering what the fuck you guys are doing headbutting each other. Or they would look at you both with fond, silently admiring the two friends.

You would definitely just sit on a discord call late at night and listen to a bunch of their favourite Lemon Demon songs and they would listen to yours.

No doubt, you would do this for hours

Sleepovers would be like Tommy's sleepover vlog

Everything would be happening all at once.

Playing basketball and them having to help you get a slam dunk, begging them to donate some of their height

Taking their stuff and accidentally breaking stuff because "You didn't know it was fragile"

Watching random streams (specifically Aimsey's, Billzo's, Freddie's or Tommy's)

Sitting on the beds, painting each other's nails, attempting to make good food but ending up getting takeout

You guys would end up passed out randomly, you in your chair and Ranboo in such an uncomfortable position on the bed (no doubt you both woke up with the worst backache)

Streaming with them would just be chaos

Your little inside jokes made no sense to anyone else, and the both of you loved seeing Twitter explode over controversies for an inside joke you made.

You and Aimsey's little sister would definitely make fun of Aimsey's height because she's just so small and cute

And if you were up working really late at night at Ranboo's place, they would definitely just pick you up and carry you to bed if you fell asleep

If you were awake however, they would attempt to do what they do every other night, but you would just kick them in the knees and tell them to "Fuck off" jokingly.

But knowing them, they would just sit in the room for hours until you fell asleep so they could do that again

But imagine Tommy comes over and you both aren't inside but are out the back

And Tom tries to find you to tell you that Wilbur had invited you to a gig

And he eventually finds you both

And you were both throwing random clumps of grass at each other

But Ranboo accidentally hit you a bit too hair in the face with a clump of grass so you ran and grabbed the nearest heavy object, that being a scooter of theirs, and threatening to throw it at them

And Tommy just walked back inside and sat on the couch, waiting for you both to come back inside

I feel like if you were sick, Ranboo would just sit in your house or next to you or in whichever room you were in for days just to make sure you were okay

Like if you fell asleep on the couch, they would lay on the floor and just watch you, making sure that if you needed the bathroom or medicine or a water, he was prepared.

And if that did happen, they were always immediately off the floor and rushing to the fridge, or the cupboard, or the toilet, lifting up the lid, and getting ready to hold your hair back for you.

And you could never be more grateful for them in these little moments

And if they were sick, you would do the exact same

And they would always tease you with their height, hiding your phone charger on the very top shelf in the cupboard, or hiding the glasses and cutlery in the highest spots in the house

But if you ever got too upset, they would always back down from their jokes and apologise repeatedly

And they would just be so understanding if you ever had any sort of insecurity of your body, body dysmorphia, facial dysmorphia, or even just having a hard time , always being able to comfort your nerves better than their own

If you struggle with any social anxiety or anxiety in public spaces, they would just calm down their happy and cheerful mood and tone it down a few notches to their comforting one

The one they use on Tommy when streaming and being a content creator gets ahold of him

And they sit you down and immediately start comforting you

[crazylittlejester]

Regarding Warriors' age, could you imagine if the war went from 16 to 19 for him and then the quest started immediately after? He would seem so much older than he was to the others, and he would be baffled by how much time had passed for Mask. His trauma would also be so fresh!

OH MY GOD I ACCIDENTALLY SAVED THIS TO DRAFTS INSTEAD OF POSTING IT IM SO SORRY- this is becoming a reoccurring issue i fear 😭

i do love me some Warriors trauma, y’all know that 🥺

i have a similar headcanon for how long the Wars of Eras lasted, but god imagine him showing up at 19/20 and Time having to realize that this is exactly how old Warriors was during the war. Like imagine him having to realize the brother who seemed so much older was really just a teenager, barely an adult at all

[slkmbyart]

About Illustrating Emanata's 2022-23 Cover

Hello again! Click read more to read through my process, thoughts, and visual development for my illustrated cover of Emanata's 2022-23 comic anthology RUIN.

Before I get into it, I just want to say that I spent a few hours working on the first draft of this blog post and it got accidentally wiped. That version of this post had a lot more to do with my mental space during the production of this piece in regards to how I felt as an artist post-graduation from Art School. Because all those typed up thoughts are now not typed up, I will be making a separate post eventually that goes into that more. I'll update this post with a link to that when I can. :)

Anyway.

RUIN.

Here's a little thumbnail diagram thing that kind of shows my thought process during this stage.

The general direction I was given when asked to do this project was something like, "more about emotion instead of action," as well as "no reds and purples." So immediately I set my brain into thinking of blues and greens and scenes that I could paint with those colors.

My first idea can be seen top left corner: I imagined an ancient, magical ruin portal standing in a field at night. It was cool, but frankly, didn't make sense and I quickly ditched it. I went back to my blues and greens and was really squeezing my brain for any ideas and that's when I came to top center.

I thought of a lone house, on a precarious cliff, being slowly torn apart by the strength of a raging sea-side storm. I honestly still think this is a good idea as a stand-alone painting, but it didn't really strike me as the cover of this anthology.

However, I really enjoyed the storm concept and began thinking about tornadoes and how deathly afraid of them I am, and the fear humans experience when confronted with the reality of the destruction caused by tornadoes! I looked at lots of beautiful photos of large tornadoes ravaging the country side - the images were very blue, green, yellow... the concept was perfect. I began developing it with a few color thumbnails...

...and immediately fell out of love with it. Har-har.

I still loved this concept of a sprawling yellow grassy plain clashing against a deep, stormy blue sky though! I thought about grassy plains and that led me to thinking about the American Midwest and old, falling-apart houses abandoned in these fields. The culmination of those thoughts led to the final thumbnail you see up there.

It was approved so I got to work! I knew I wanted to do this traditionally and started working in oil pastel. But after a few days of working on it, I realized something: I did not have enough experience in the medium to do a full illustration like this. This is about where I stopped:

It's not bad, but I knew there wasn't any saving this piece as it was. I got too loose with my color choices and in many spots, just muddied my color. It was really disheartening honestly; I felt so stuck.

I had to start over.

Using that oil pastel painting as a base, I moved to Clip Studio Paint. Working digitally is something I'm very comfortable doing and decided that the ability to fix things easily would be a great advantage for myself with this piece. At this point, if I remember correctly, I had just less than two weeks left to finish this project.

I still wasn't feeling it at this stage though and took a few days, despite my approaching deadline, to simply think about it. I felt stuck: even in the early stages, this piece didn't scream that it was made by me. Sure it would have my name on it, but as it stood, I had zero connection to it as an artist other than the fact it was an assignment I was working on. I asked myself, what did I want my work to look like? And I thought back to my time at school and to the pieces I felt most connected to and that's when that spark lit up in me again!

I darkened the sky, made it more foreboding, and it really started clicking then. I carved the shapes out, alternating between working on the clouds to working on the little abandoned house.

I continued building depth and form by layering my values until everything seemed just right.

The house was a doozy though, but I finally figured that one out. DETAIL SHOT!

I hope the detail comes out well on the cover!!

And here is some bonus imagery for you:

The first one is what we went with for the title's type - hand drawn in the final as well by the way!!

Anyway, here's the finished piece again to remind you of where I ended up!

Closing thoughts: I'm proud of how this turned out. I think this cover complements the previous years' well. This illustration (painting?) feels like me and it jump started new artistic growth within me too! All in all, very happy with it.

Thanks for reading!

[tremendouskoalachild]

Star Wars (1977) #01

Roy Thomas, Apr 12 1977

So I decided to reread the 1977 Marvel run of Star Wars comics, as one does. I was probably just going to post a compilation of horrible Luke faces in each issue but then decided to compare some of the lines to the movie and shooting script, and this post happened 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I might as well talk about the cover, right? I love everything about it. Identifying the genre correctly. The cursed logo (how do you fuck up the letter A. why keep the letters as they appear in the movie if you aren't going to connect them. look at that second R - it has a broken leg for no reason now. why is that W the only sharp edge when its middle is flat in the actual logo).

I love Leia's look and expression. I love how the colors mostly correspond to the movie but Han has a magenta gun and Darth Vader is green. Also the red lightsabers fuck (I assume that color came from early concept art but it may be stylistic or a fuckup I guess). "WILL HE SAVE THE GALAXY - OR DESTROY IT?" damn

also that publication date is off by several months lmao

The second page shows a space battle with the title crawl in several boxes. It is almost word for word the crawl from the fourth draft script (dated march 1976), just with more ALL-CAPS FOR EMPHASIS. The order of paragraphs is also changed. The main difference from the movie version is no mention of Leia. This paragraph also seems to imply a greater rebel threat than subsequent material would show, as well as reference earlier rebel victories:

The narration further on is largely taken from the script too, including referring to droids as robots, which makes sense but is still funny to me. The dialogue calls them droids just like the final film though.

This dialogue also mostly copies the script. One difference from the film I noticed immediately is Threepio mentioning the Captain instead of the Princess - he does not know her in the earlier drafts.

We are also introduced to Luke, who looks... not at all like a teenager and is capable of nimble leaps. This is adapted from the first half of Luke's deleted introduction scene.

Page 4 finally shows us Darth Vader! Look at him go, even stepping outside his panel. Adorably, just like in the fourth draft he is after information tapes, while the final version wisely has him simply look for "plans". He is also referred to as a Dark Lord of the Sith, which while mentioned in the novelization is never said in any of the OT films.

Leia has a beautiful cheesy comic book moment. It's kinda ruined by the next panel reminding us that there are no bras in space (friendly reminder that she is referred to as a "lovely young girl (about sixteen years old)" at this point in the script).

Page 6 follows with the second half of the Tosche Station deleted scene and even keeps Luke almost running over an old woman from the script:

The next page picks up with Leia sassing Vader and plays out much like the film. One interesting tidbit is Vader mentioning that Leia's ship passed through a restricted system, which you could see as an accidental connection to Rogue One's ending.

I also love Vader's sunglasses look and the Hidden Fortress allusion. I do wonder why the imperials seem to think the escape pod is a "repair pod" but that line comes directly from the script as well.

Page 9 adapts yet another deleted scene, where Biggs tells Luke he's joining the Rebellion. (It's a great scene btw. Very gay. Luke's adorable in it.)

The next scene on the Death Star plays out much like in the film. I love Vader randomly fucking with the other imperials by floating a cup. This part is also in the script but not the final movie for some reason :(

Next comes the droid selling scene, quite similar to the finished film. The interesting part happens as Luke is cleaning the droids:

Threepio why are you sitting like that 😳 Hologram Leia is channeling Carrie Fisher's you're my only hoe tweet. Luke has never seen a hologram and is surprised they are 3D. 3PO standing like a terminator in that last panel. I know everyone has been laughing at Luke's faces in these comics for nearly 50 years but this one... is he crosseyed. What happened to his cheeks. Why did his haircut suddenly get worse. I will even forgive that lil Leia is neither movie blue nor "a rainbow of colors" like in the script, these panels are everything to me.

Next we get the dinner scene, where Owen gets quite a bit more heated than in the film:

I would also like to highlight this panel because I find it funny:

"Lar's" doesn't seem to a typo here as it is consistently used in the whole script and only changes to Lars in a later draft. The comic keeps this too:

Sidenote: I guess this comic gives more context to the abusive uncle Owen characterization which I've seen in several pre-prequel fanfics.

The issue ends with Luke getting jumped by a Tusken Raider. The descriptions are once again taken from the script and I very much do not like them.

I haven't really found a definitive source for the claim that the Tuskens were consciously based on the Bedouin but their depiction in Lucas' films definitely rubs me the wrong way regardless.

The last two pages have some behind the scenes info and promote the film. This is also how I learned that the iconic A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away got only added later:

Anyway. Have some more awful Lukes:

[frodo-with-glasses]

More Reading Thoughts: The Passage of the Marshes

Gollum has a very distinct gait in my mind. Sort of like a bent-over run (Naruto Run LOL) that occasionally transitions into an all-fours gallop and then back up again on two speedy little legs. If I were any better at animating, I’d be able to show you all.

Lots of descriptions of Gollum’s eyes: the eerie gleam in them when he mentions fish, and the way they bug out and give a greenish light when Frodo asks if he’s hungry. I wish I could think of a way to draw these things.

Sam whispers to Frodo. Frodo answers out loud. Both of them know what Gollum can hear them and deal with it in exactly opposite ways. Tag yourself, I’m Frodo.

Gollum: Promises not to throttle you in your sleep but totally would. Sam: Promises he will throttle you in your sleep but actually wouldn’t.

“He restrained the thoughts of his sword and the rope that sprang to his mind, and went and sat down by his master.” Next paragraph: “When he woke up…” Me: *SPITS DRINK*

It really do be like that sometimes LOL

“Don’t think of any of your Gaffer’s hard names.” So question: when Sam told the whole story to Frodo, did he mutter under his breath “my old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say about…”, or did Frodo just know that Sam was internally calling himself ninnyhammer? Because both are fantastic.

“But Samwise Gamgee, my dear hobbit—indeed, Sam my dearest hobbit, friend of friends—” *lies on my face* *lies on my face* *LIES ON MY FACE* *LIES ON MY—*

“He took his master’s hand and bent over it. He did not kiss it, though his tears fell on it.” *lies on my face and SCREEEEEAAAMS*

(I got so worked up over this that I accidentally published this post instead of saving it in drafts and I had to delete it and write the whole thing over again LOL)

MY BOYS

MY LADSSSSS

LEAVE ME ALONE I’M EMOTIONAL

THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH I FREAKING D I E

Also this just solidifies for me that Frodo’s love language is “words of affirmation” and Sam’s are “acts of service” and “physical touch”. And like. Wow. Could you choose a more potent combination to absolutely kill me on the spot.

I’m gonna have to scream about this more in another post otherwise this one will get too long

Gotta say, based on the description in the book, I think the movies captured the Dead Marshes really well. Maybe a bit too well.

*Gollum voice* No, no nice crunchable birdses.

Frodo. Frodo why is there slime and water on your hands. Frodo we’re in the Dead Marshes. Frodo what did you do.

“Three precious little Gollums in a row we shall be, if this goes on much longer.” Sam’s sass is the only thing keeping me going right now.

Not me looking up Tolkien Gateway and comparing dates to see whether it was an Eagle that scattered the clouds above the Dead Marshes. (Spoiler: No, no it probably wasn’t.)

But that does raise the question: Can the Ringwraiths control the weather? Already we had one appear along with a storm while Frodo and Sam were on the Emyn Muil, and now we have one that comes with a change of the wind. Coincidence?? Who knows??

Boy, this is a bleak chapter. I’m running out of funny or clever things to say. I think I’m beginning to feel as sapped as Frodo does….

“Lord Sméagol? Gollum the Great? The Gollum! Eat fish every day, three times a day, fresh from the sea. Most Precious Gollum!” It’s simultaneously adorable and horrifying that eating fish all day is Gollum’s highest dream and aspiration, and yet he’s still the most pressing and immediate danger to the hobbits and the fate of Middle Earth. I’m taking mental notes that the most dangerous antagonist doesn’t have to be the one with the biggest ambitions.

Man, I almost wish they’d included the “diseased, poisoned” field between the Marshes and Mordor in the films. I’d want to see how they’d capture it. I’m seeing something like the Spike Field of the Long-Time Nuclear Waste Warning Messages, pocketed with steaming pits of gasoline.

“Gollum welcomed him with dog-like delight. He chuckled and chattered, cracking his long fingers, and pawing at Frodo’s knees. Frodo smiled at him.” This after he was arguing with himself whether or not to kiLL FRODO. NOPE, NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

[vixenpen]

Oooooooh I got a steamy request queen! How about we have Shoto (Hawks, Baku, or Kiri; whoever YOU think should do it) as a well-known maaseur that immediately took interest in us black!readers when we come in his shop and we get a body massage from him. However, his hands are GODLY and he hits all the tender spots and we have to keep ourselves from moaning cuz it feels so good and we don’t want him to be weirded out but he lowkey is getting just as turned on and even touches up our nether bits (like our ass) which escalates to us fucking in the room???? 🤤🤤🤤🤤

Love ya lots queen and keep up writing, your work is amazing!!! 🤎🤎

Working out the kinks (Bakugo x Black! Reader)

(I haven’t finished this yet. So please ignore it 😂 I meant to save it to my drafts and accidentally posted it so I’m working on it bit by bit)

“Just get undressed to the point you’re comfortable with and I’ll be back in a few.”

“Sure. You nodded.”

And with that Katsuki left you in the dim, candlelit room to undress.

Once Katsuki had stepped out of the room, he allowed his mind to run wild. Damn you were fine. All melanated curves, smooth skin, and bright eyes.

While you did your thing in the back, the man headed for the bathroom to stroke himself off to the thought of those beautiful brown curves under his touch.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did she have to come in today? No fuckin’ way I’m gonna be able to concentrate.

He thought as he spilled his seed into a tissue and threw it away. Hopefully busting that nut would be enough to keep him from popping another hard on in the room.

Minutes later it Seemed like you had gotten completely naked from the way the white sheet was hugging your beautiful brown body.

Shit, she’s sexy as fuck. I gotta calm down and stay professional.

He thought as he rolled the sheet lower on your hips. He was grateful you were facedown with your eyes closed so you couldn’t see him eye humping that fat ass of yours.

“Let me know if the pressure is too deep, yeah?” He mentioned, warming the scented oil between his large palms.

Little did he know his gruff, deep voice and those words had your pussy clenching.

“Ok.” You hummed too relaxed to speak above a whisper.

Then you felt those big, capable hands pressing out all the tension and strain you’d been feeling for the past few weeks, and had to actively fight back a moan.

Instead a deep sigh rolled out of you as the masseuse kneaded sore and locked muscles.

“You’re really tight here, Ms. Y/n. Carry a lot of tension in this area?”

“Yeah~” you moaned.

The sweet sound of it made Katsuki’s dick jump.

“Would you be ok if I went a little deeper with it?” He asked in what was almost a purr. “If not that’s ok.”

“No you can go deeper,” you replied, “I like deep pressure.”

I bet you fuckin’ Do.

The man thought as he slid his hands and his gaze lower, imagining that he was massaging your round ass. He put his all into his hand work. Finally, you couldn’t hold back anymore, a long groan escaped your lips.

The man’s hands paused. He felt his dick stand to attention. At the same time, you tensed completely on the table.

“I-I am so sorry.” You stammered.

A rough laugh met your ears and made you shift. It was such a warm, manly sound.

“Don’t be,” your masseuse replied, “those are the kinds of sounds I like to hear.”

Your breath caught as his big, warm palms moved down to your hips and butt.

“I try to draw those sounds out as much as possible.” He purred. “Moaning and putting you to sleep is the goal.”

Fuck...

You thought. Katsuki laughed.

“I wish.”

“Wh-wait, what? Did I say that out loud.”

The man laughed again. “Sure did.”

“I-I really didn’t mean to. It just...feels so good.”

“Bet it does.” He replied.

“Did you say, I wish?” You replied.

“Hey, you started it.” You heard the smirk in his voice.

“You tilted to look at the massage therapist.” In his plain scrubs you could see his broad chest flexing beneath the thin material. Your eyes ran down his bulging biceps and to the big hands on your hips.

You bit your lip before glancing up at Katsuki.

He licked his own lips back at you.

“You know you’ve got another thirty minutes.”

Your pussy warmed again with want.

“What are you suggesting?” You asked.

He slid the sheet down your hips and grabbed the mounds of your ass in his hands, giving it a massage.

“Let me work on some other kinks, yeah?”

[angstyaches]

The Strong One

I accidentally posted a reply to this ask too soon (instead of saving it as a draft as I’d planned) but here is what Mushroom Anon said:

ngl your self indulgent fics are some of your best ones. okay so my request was : a generally stoic and strong character getting sick from emotions? like from a panic attack or anxiety? their s/o is worried because ???? what happened?? turns out they’ve been having a Really Stressful Week TM and proceed to get pampered and loved. For felix and elliot. omg also how about : a little outsider shot of the two of them here pov ryan and nancy. thanks! 🍄

Post Thicker Than Blood Arc (i.e. after Felix comes back from visiting his mother’s nursing home etc.) And dude, I LOVED the Ryan/Nancy POV idea, holy shit. Thank you so much for that addition!!

CW: secrecy, bickering, panic attack, emeto, mention of (past) deaths.

___

“Good morning, darling,” Felix chirped as he entered the kitchen. Elliott was sitting at the marble countertop, one hand propping up his chin while the other tapped away at his laptop keyboard. Felix wasn’t sure what Elliott was working on these days – and he tended to get huffy and defensive when asked – so Felix made a grand gesture of cupping a hand around his eye while walking past. Look, darling, I’m not looking!

“Morning?” Elliott glanced down at his watch, tilting the laptop screen so that it was almost halfway shut, despite Felix making it obvious that he wasn’t looking. “It’s basically the afternoon.”

“Hmm?” Felix took hold of Elliott’s wrist, tilting his head to read the time. “No, it’s still the morning for seven more minutes and twelve more seconds.”

Elliott grunted. “Oh. Well. You got me.”

Felix chewed his lip, his feathers a bit ruffled by Elliott’s tone. He glanced through the kitchen towards the sitting room. “Where is everyone?”

“I think Nan dragged Ryan to the farmer’s market.”

“No!” Felix gasped. “I wanted to go, too.”

“Should’ve woken up earlier then, huh? Maybe joined me on a morning run?”

A grin spread across Felix’s face, his natural response to Elliott’s attempts to mould him into a morning person. It hadn’t happened in the last seven years, so it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

He leaned his head against Elliott’s shoulder, even though his hair was still dripping wet from his shower. “I love it when you nag me. You in the mood for a drop of coffee?”

“No, Fee, I’m fine.” Elliott tugged the laptop screen even lower, as though he thought Felix was trying to peek.

Felix looked up, a bit startled by the solemn tone of Elliott’s voice, and confused by just how protective he was being on his screen. His partner looked down at him, still the taller of the two while sitting on the island stools. His eyes portrayed an uneasy darkness that made Felix frown.

“Is…” Felix’s heart skipped a beat. “Is everything alright, darling?”

Elliott blinked. “Yes. Why?”

“I – you just seem…”

One of Elliott’s eyebrows arched.

“… Tense,” Felix grimaced.

“Tense?” Elliott repeated dully. “Well, excuse me. Not all of us had fifteen hours of sleep.”

“Huh. Okay.” Felix pursed his lips and padded unhappily across the white tiles, towards the coffee maker. He felt silly. He could usually handle Elliott’s teasing and such, but something about the way he was acting felt strange. It was like something had shifted between them.

Felix felt his heart sink as he scooped coffee grounds into the machine, his motions slowing.

It had been three weeks since Felix had returned to the Aldridge’s townhouse, after spending a few weeks up north and visiting his mother in her nursing home. Beyond his first few days back, Elliott hadn’t questioned him too much about what had happened up there, so Felix had assumed – hoped – that he’d decided to put it all behind them. But there was a chance he had changed his mind since then, right?  

Felix blinked, realising he’d spilled grounds on the glistening white countertop. He barely cared. He turned around. “Elli?”

“What?” Elliott had lifted the laptop screen again, still sitting stiffly as he navigated some screen that Felix wasn’t allowed to see.

“Are – are you still angry with me?” There was a tiny hitch in Felix’s voice, which he couldn’t help. He didn’t want to take Elliott’s mood and make it all about himself, but the thought of Elliott quietly holding onto resentment made Felix’s stomach hurt.

Elliott let out a rasping sigh and slapped the lid of his computer shut. Felix jumped on the spot, watching with wide eyes as Elliott dropped his head into his hands where he sat. Felix was overcome with worry, sure, but for a tenth of a second, all he wanted to do was check that Elliott hadn’t broken his laptop and lost whatever secret project he was working on.

“Darling?” Felix laid down the coffee scoop and wrung his hands. “If – if this is about anything that we talked about, I would want you to tell me.”

“No.” The word was murmured so softly that Felix barely heard it. Elliott let out a shaky, audible breath, his face still hidden in his hands. “No, boo, you – you and I are fine.”

“You – I’m sorry, you keep using that word. Fine…”

“You and I,” Elliott huffed, “are perfect, Fee.”

That should have been reassuring, but Felix still had that sinking sensation in his chest. Elliott’s shoulders rocked forward slightly, like he was trying to curl into a ball where he was seated.

At least this time, Felix didn’t have to hesitate in coming to Elliott’s side. “Elli,” he sighed, sliding his arms around Elliott’s waist, resting his forehead on his back. “Talk to me.”

“I…” Elliott started off shakily, gulping so hard that Felix heard it from where he was positioned behind him. “I-I don’t…”

As he waited for Elliott to find the words, Felix gently moved a hand up and down over his ribs, hoping the contact was soothing and not stifling. Elliott’s chest was rising and falling way too quickly for Felix’s liking. He decided he should probably back off and give his partner space to breathe, but as soon as he started to move, Elliott grabbed one of his hands and tugged it towards his chest again.

“You have something, now, or someone who… who can tie you to your old life.” The words vibrated within his chest and his back as he choked them out.

Felix frowned and lifted his head, looking up at the back of Elliott’s. The taller boy’s dark hair was scooped into a messy bun. The ends were knotted and ratty. It hadn’t been cut in so long. “Darling, I don’t want to be tied to that life. I want to be tied to this life, with you.”

“I know, I know, but it got me thinking about the people I used to know, and how…” Elliott shuddered in Felix’s grip. “How they would all... I knew it was a long shot, but I tried finding some names online, but we – Jesus, most of us didn’t even have full names, we were just trying to survive –”

“Darling,” Felix whispered, at a complete loss for anything more substantial to say.

“I mean –” A dark tremble of laughter broke through Elliott’s voice. He swivelled the stool, stepping down and taking a few steps across the tiles. “It’s pointless to even look for them, right? What are the odds any of my old friends also happened to end up becoming immortal vampires, huh?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Rhetorical question, boo.”

“Sorry.” Felix followed a few steps behind Elliott as he went to the kitchen window. It didn’t even seem like he was looking at anything in particular, but simply exposing his retinas to the light from outside.

“Elli?” Felix said quietly.

Elliott glanced at him, just for a moment. His eyes were dark and wet, his lips trembling as he gradually lost the battle against full-on hyperventilation. He shook his head violently, gaze wandering aimlessly again. “I don’t – I don’t feel right. What’s wr… What’s wrong with me, Fee?”

“Darling, try to slow your breathing.”

Elliott slammed his palms down either side of the kitchen sink, his shoulders buckling forward under the pressure of the gasps and heaves racking his body. “Felix, what’s wrong with me?”

“You’re panicking,” Felix said, shocking himself with how calm he sounded. He closed the last few paces between them, unable to resist being next to Elliott while he was in this state. “I’m right here, alright? I’m going to touch your back, Elli, but – but please, tell me if it’s not okay…”

“Don’t,” Elliott gasped, shaking his head violently. His mouth bobbed open as he lowered his shoulders even further, eyes widening. “G-going to –”

A moment before Elliott started dry heaving, Felix realised what was happening, and obediently took his hand back. As a rule, Elliott detested being touched when he was sick, and Felix had learned to stop fighting that a long, long time ago.

Felix flinched at how violently sick Elliott suddenly was. His head was practically in the sink at one point, his body buckling under the intense convulsions. It was impossible to distinguish between the laboured breathing and the dry heaving, but every sound and every lurch made Felix’s heart twist a little tighter in his chest.

“Darling, I’m sorry,” Felix choked out. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise you had all of this going on inside you.”

Elliott whimpered at that, attempting to lift his head a little higher. “Fee, I just –” He was immediately interrupted by a wet belch, and a clear stream of saliva that he needed to spit away from his lips into the sink. “You just got back, I w-want – wanted things to be normal… for you.”

“Elli,” Felix whined. He couldn’t believe what was happening here. Elliott was trying not to cry as he spoke, and Felix almost lost it too, though he did his best to keep a hold of things. He couldn’t be sure, of course, but he had a feeling he knew exactly what Elliott meant by ‘normal’. He meant the normalcy where Felix could be a mess and Elliott was forced to be the strong one.

He watched as Elliott brought his elbows down gently in front of the sink, letting his head drop against them as the nausea finally seemed to past. He trembled and sighed deeply, seemingly in resignation.

Felix cleared his throat softly. “May I touch you?”

A very quiet chuckle emerged from Elliott’s buried face. “You may.”

Felix rested a hand gently on Elliott’s back, introducing the slightest amount of motion so that his fingertips grazed over a small portion of his spine. He lowered his forehead to Elliott’s shoulder again, this time with very little weight behind it. He needed Elliott to know he wasn’t leaning on him, but that he was there for him.

And he was capable of being the strong one sometimes.

___

“You know, there was a time where you would have helped me bring the bags in from the car,” Nancy sulked. Her arms were outstretched and wrapped around half a dozen bags from different vendors which were pressed against her chest.

“It is not my fault that you insist on buying so much,” Ryan said calmly, following her wife to the doorstep with her hands in her pockets. “For example, you did not need to purchase onions from three different stalls.”

“I told you; they’re different varieties!”

Ryan sighed as she opened the front door and stood back to let her wife into the front hallway of the townhouse. “An onion is an onion, love.”

“Felix,” Nancy grumbled, turning as she walked and narrowing her eyes at Ryan. “Felix will back me up. Felix! Felix, sweetheart!” she called towards the stairs.

The response from within the house was a muted sshhh, which sounded much closer than the upstairs bedrooms. Nancy frowned, meeting Ryan’s gaze for a moment as she closed the front door. Ryan made a beeline towards the kitchen and Nancy followed, dragging her feet slightly on the tiles as she struggled with her bags. She paused by the kitchen island to deposit all of them, watching as Ryan rounded the far corner and stared at what was happening on the sofa.

“Oh, sweethearts, what’s happened?” Nancy gasped, rushing over to stand next to Ryan.

Felix was sitting – almost upright – at one end of the sofa, white Elliott curled up next to him, his head resting in the smaller boy’s lap.

“Is… Is he asleep?” Nancy whispered.

Felix nodded silently. His poor eyes were red and a little puffy as he glanced back and forth between his two foster mothers.

“Anything we can do?” Ryan asked in a low voice, slipping her hands into the pockets of her slacks again. Nancy couldn’t help but pout; oh, sure, you’ll ask them if there’s anything they need you to do, but you won’t help me carry a couple of bags into the house.

A weak smile tugged at Felix’s exhausted expression, and he shook his head. His fingers drifted over Elliott’s head, brushing back a thin strand of his dark hair. Nancy once again couldn’t help herself, this time pursing her lips and wondering how long it had been since Elliott had cut his hair.

“Everything’s okay,” Felix murmured softly. “I’ve got him.”

[tokoyamisstuff]

Betrothed Ch. 6 - Illumi Zoldyck x Reader

Chapter 6: Bold

Summary: Two pretty unusual family meetings, but one of them lacks a happy end.

Warnings: Angst, Family Drama.

Words: ~4300

Story Masterlist

A/N: Tumblr accidentally posted the unfinished draft a few days ago. Sorry for the confusion! As a treat, you get a very long chapter! (:

Before you were married, Illumi was rarely at home.

He had no one to come home to anyway, let alone someone who cared.

Anyway, this was only one of many things you had changed.

These times, whenever he left, it was only for a good reason like missions, training or caring for his siblings. Sometimes family conferences you were allowed to attend as well, yet not to talk.

Whenever he got home, it felt so cozy and peaceful.

Like he was welcomned and safe here - unlike anything he knew before.

Your home would always smell like scented candles, the many flowers you had planted at the balconry, and whatever you were cooking at the time.

It was very lovely and kinda cheesily decorated by now. Most of the things were stuff you asked Illumi to bring home from his missions, but lately he got you anything he thought you'd like.

Of course you were grateful for everything. It meant he took the time and actually think about what you'd appreciate!

Occasionally, you’d bring home injured animals you found in the forrest surrounding Kurokoo mountain. Sometimes your husband reluctantly assisted you, even though he found kindness futile - he just couldn’t say no to your begging eyes, so be it.

From you, he got love and care in return for his efforts. But a wild animal? Well, if he thought about it, he consdiered himself lacking a real consciousness just as much as the pets you kept.

One day, he’ll understand why people help each other without wanting something back - you promised him. Even though he always emphasized that saving such small lives won’t redeem him anyway.

Yes, the weight of his sins was sure massive - especially now that it all broke down on him, suffering under his newfound sympathy.

You swiped through your phone, adoring all the photos you persuaded him to take together.

It filled your heart with joy to notice every small change he underwent:

He'd run himself a bath from time to time, buy sweets or other things to try out, and spent his free time reading or wandering the estate's forrest instead of thoughtlessly staring into the void.

And for the more nasty things, well...let’s just say Illumi is a quick learner. And you were glad that he began taking the initiative and try out things he may enjoy.

Your husband was more and more developing a personality.

"She's so pretty!"

"Yeah, right?" you proudly commanded the owl to come back, and she immediately landed on your lap. "Her name is Luna."

“She was a gift from big bro Illumi, right?” Your familiar had grown strong very fast, yet it's claws never hurt you. Sometimes you almost forgot that Luna was a dangerous animal rather than a cuddly pet. “Yes, she is!”

"Maybe we can play in the forrest some day. I just need some time to convince your parents."

Alluka was sitting on a chair next to you, cheerfully petting the patient bird. "Thanks, big sis!"

Illumi's little sister was probably the only normal person in this building. No nen, no assassin training either, and a loving nature.

If only there wasn't-

"Y/N!" Oh no. Your husband was back earlier than you expected. "Did you bail her out again?!"

"Big bro!" the little girl cheered, jumping down the stair and wobbling to his direction.

There was not the slightest hint of hate inside of her. Even though she was alone all the time, she was blissfully unaware about her own family resenting her.

"Illumi!" That was the first time you actually raised your voice against him. "Take.down.the. needle. Right now!"

You kept Alluka from getting closer to Illumi, defendingly wrapping your arms around her.

God knows what he'd do...

"Then get that thing out of my face."

Actually, you didn't want to fight in front of a child, but Alluka needed constant superveilance . "How can you be so cruel? She's your sister!"

"Did you make a wish?"

"Of course not! I used my nen to get her out unnoticed, so she could spent some time like a normal child. I would've brought her back tonight. That's all, really! I promise!"

Suddenly, you felt a foreign, powerful aura under your palms.

Damn it.

You forgot her last wish was a hug, which was exactly what you gave her right now.

"Aye."

"That's enough." Illumi already had his needles prepared, infusing them with nen. "I'll end this right here."

You knew he didn't mean it like this. He was afraid of Nanika's powers, and even if this wouldn't end in a disaster, his parents would punish you for your reckless actions.

"Nanika?"

The girl answered, her blackened orbs obediantly glaring at you. "Aye?"

"Y/N" Illumi almost growled, still hesistant. "Know your place."

"Give Illumi a hug."

Baffled, Illumi's needles disappeared into thin air. The girl didn't even reach up to the tall man's thorso, rather embracing one of his legs.

She was so small and weak and fragile - and for the first time, Illumi was able to acknowledge the affection his sister felt for him.

"See?" you calmly explained, now hugging him as well. "Nanika is not evil. Only the people's wish are."

"...she's all alone" he spoke to himself, trying to at least logically understand the situation. "Just like you when I'm gone."

He didn't get it.

Hard enough to understand why you were caring so much about him, but Alluka? The sibling he always despised, insulted, abused, and locked away?

There were still so many things he didn't know yet.

"Well, if it's only the two of you, and I'm supervising..." he mumbled, kneeling down to the girl's height, "Then I guess I can promise you a few liberties."

Alluka's face and aura were back to normal, her glimmering eyes blinking happily at her brother, who was absentmindedly petting her hair.

"Great!" You clasped your hands together, disappearing in the kitchen. "Let's make a hot chocolate for you guys!"

Quickly, you reappeared to the two sitting on the sofa with an awkard distance, until you wrapped them in a blanket.

Illumi sat in middle of you two, deeply buried in thought while you and Alluka were watching TV until she fell asleep.

"I'll bring her back now" you whispered softly, but Illumi already cradled the snoring girl into his arms. "No. I will."

For a second, you were taken aback, unsure about his intentions - but you wanted to believe in him, so you stayed quiet about your apprehensions.

"She's cute, right?" you noticed as Illumi got a strand of hair out of her face. He held her with such great care and insecurity, it was a truly cute sight.

"Dunno. I know the definition of cute, but I don't think I really understand it."

"You are cute, for example." Placing a wet kiss on his cheek, you waved him goodbye as he walled out the door - but in the frame, he stopped.

"You're changing so many things at once."

"For better or worse?"

Illumi wouldn't turn around to look at you, instead watching Alluka's soundly sleeping face.

"I don't know. We'll see."

When Illumi took longer than expected, panic began to rise inside of you.

Did his parents find out? Due to your powers this should basically be impossible, but still-

"Alluka wanted me to stay and play with her" Illumi's voice appeared behind your back, making you jump a little.

So that's why he took so long.

"Was it fun?"

"I'm not a good brother" he murmured, "Not to her or any of them."

He remembered the time he got Kalluto a kimono you picked out for him, as a gift. 

“You’ve changed” the boy said back then, and the confusion in his eyes made Illumi painfully aware that the child was close to become just as inhuman as he was.

And he was the one who teached his siblings to be that way.

Your husband sat on the edge of the bed, with you already laying inside. He buried his face into his hands, seemingly distressed.

Yes, it was fun. Even though he didn't know how to properly entertain a child, Alluka seemed to enjoy her brother's attention inconditionally - just like you did.

Was that love?

"You just tried to protect your family, Lumi" you cooed, massaging his tensed shoulders.

"What about yours?" he suddenly asked, turning to you with a stony expression.

"I, uh-"

"Do you miss them?" Seems like he was afraid to lose you.

You tugged on his arm until he'd finally let himself fall into the bed, and you put an arm and leg around him, effectively trapping him into your hold.

"Of course I do. But this is my home now."

"And they're nice people?" he wondered, since your parents were assassins too.

He laid his head onto your chest, trying for your heartbeat to lull him to sleep.

"They are...special. Strict but loving. I think all parents fuck up their children somehow. But I still love them."

Both of you had already closed your eyes, his cold skin feeling refreshing on your warm one.

"Then let's meet them" Illumi suggested as his hand ran across your bodyline, before he stopped himself with a tender kiss on your skin.

"I want to know what other families are like."

Only a week later, you were allowed to leave the Zoldyck estate for the first time. Wether it was because of Illumi’s curiosity or maybe that he knew you missed your family, it didn’t matter.

Two different worlds.

Your family was living in the midst of the small town, loved by the inhabitants. Being honorable head hunters who mainly killed wanted criminals and acting as protectors of the city, you had kind of a reputation.

So it was no wonder everyone you saw greeted you with great respect, yet also as if you were never gone.

That was what a real home must feel like, Illumi thought as he watched you casually talk to anyone who recognized you while both of you wandered the main street.

“They sure think highly of you” he deducted out loud, seeing how anyone was smiling and cheering at you.

“Well...” Flustered, you rubbed the back of your head as you kept on walking, “I’ve grown up in between those people. Of course they know me! That’s all.”

“Mhh” he murmured, still eyeing everyone quite suspecting. This was your first day outisde the manor, and your husband would be damned if something would happen to you.

“There it is!” Already running ahead, you pointed at the tallest building of the town - your birthplace.

“Y/N Y/L/N” a familiar voice behind you spoke, trying way too hard to keep a straight face.

Turning around, you saw all of your siblings gathered at one spot. Of course you knew they had followed you this whole time, due to your nen - but it was still a pleasant surprise. “You guys!”

Giving each one of them a wholeheartedly hug, you immediately began to chatter about all kinds of things. You haven’t seen each other for a while, and you wanted to know everything.

“Better tell me next time” Illumi abruptly cut you off, and only now you realized the needles in between his fingers. “I almost killed them.”

Oh. So he noticed them too.

Well, your family had it worse, so they just laughed it off.

“So this is your husband, huh?” They didn’t dare speak his name - the family was too infamous, and not in a positive way. it wouldn’t really gain you the good kind of attention. “I thought you’d be more...intimidating.”

All of your siblings got way too close to Illumi, aving hands in front of his face and eyeing his appearance, at least trying to make the stoic man react in any way.

“Nice to meet you!” One of your brothers offered his hand for your husband to shake, yet Illumi decided on staring him down instead.

“Pleasure is all mine” he retorted in his robotic way, sounding way too fake for anyone to buy it.

At least they were not afraid of him. Your husband was very talented in hiding his bloodlust, after all - even though it was constantly there, not even a skilled nen user would notice.

“Mother and father are awaiting you at the usual spot.” Your brother’s voice was more serious now that he had assessed the situation.

It was clear from the very first moment that they didn’t only come to greet you - their main goal was the eldest Zoldyck.

“Seems like he’s now our leader” you pondered as all of them dispersed into different directions. 

Things had changed. Of course they did.

Back then, you declined your fate of becoming the clan-leader, even though it had been the centre of all your ambitions up until now.

Meeting Illumi made you question anything you expected from life.

You didn’t even know why: What would it matter if you left an assassin family just to join another one?

Even your youngest sister was different. You could feel her steady aura, meaning she had completed her training.

The situation made you both nostalgic and anxious.

“Do you regret it?” Illumi’s blank stare turned to your form, black orbs interrogating you. He knew you were meant to be a leader, yet you gave up on that dream and had laid down all your independency.

“Not really.” Shrugging, you quickly linked arms with your husband, leading him to the secret entrance of the headquarters. It was sealed with nen, just like back then.

At leas that didn’t change, and so you’d soon find yourself in the middle of the hall where you’d plan all of the operations back then.

“You’re home.” That solemn tone was fitting for your father: Hard to detect his emotions, but easy to understand. “Welcome home.”

Illumi took a few steps back, almost withdrawing into a dark corner of the room as if he wanted to disappear from this earth. He was more likely to be a mere bystander or observer than to be in social situations.

“My little angel of death!” your mother almost cried out, both incredibly happy and sorrowful. “You’ve returned to us!”

“And that handsome young man over there?” After she was done smothering your face in kisses, she directed her welcoming nature to Illumi was well. “C’mon, don’t be shy. Take a seat!”

That’s right. She’s never seen him before. He was here exactly once to propose in front of your father - god knows how he even got inside. Obviously it wasn’t really a big deal to him.

Your family was so insignificant compared to his heritage - not that it mattered to you, it was just an observation.

“When we heared your wish to bid our humble fort a visit, we were greatly honored” your father declared as all of you sat down at the great, round table. Now everyone was there: Siblings, uncles and aunts, even your grandparents and great-grandparents. “And we are glad of your safe arrival.”

Illumi didn’t really seem to be impressed, being able to silence the room with a single gesture of his hand. “Don’t go out of your way. I am here because Y/N wished to see you.”

You couldn’t help but smirk at his polite manner, even though he wasn’t very talkative. Trying to get a hold of his hand under the table, you’d spend the day just like that.

Hours just flew by as your family held a great dinner to honor ‘the happy couple’, with Illumi absorbing every little detail like a dry sponge: Daily conversations about irrelevant topics, tales about the past and especially the childhood.

He even managed to show a lopsided smile when he realized something made you particulary happy.

Yet everytime someone of your family tried to get close to you, all of you noticed how tense he became.

Of course he was very possessive, and didn’t want to share you with anyone. But it was so damn sweet that he at least tried to get himself together...

“I’ll be waiting outisde. Might give the town a visit.” Even through all of your objections, your husband was gone faster than any of you could comprehend. “Take all the time you need.”

“He’s amazing” you thought to yourself, not noticing how much you were trembling due to your excitement. Being here together with him was such a huge progress, and he was doing so damn great.

“Y/N?” Your father was the first one to take the word, clearing his throat before continuing. “Now that we’re alone...”

Of course he knew they weren’t. Illumi was supervisioning everything somehow. But they waited for so long, and needed to let it out.

It was ‘speak now or stay silent forever’.

“Tell us about life with the Zoldycks.” Your sister once again let her hand run up and down your arm, and you realized this wasn’t just loving closeness - they were searching for injuries. “Are they harsh on you?”

“His family is pretty crazy, but it’s nothing wild, really. I manage” you stated, pulling away from the touch of your siblings.

All of the eyes were on you now, dropping the act. Everything left was sympathy and...guilt?

“So...what’s your point?” You didn’t know why, but their glares made you furious somehow. Maybe because you knew what they were hinting at. “Just speak your mind.”

“Y/N, dear...” Now your mother was the one taking the initiative, squeezing your hand ever so slightly. “We’re so, so sorry! You need to understand why we did this, okay?”

“Did what?” When they didn’t respond, you repeated the question with a much weaker, almost broken voice. “Did...what?!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” your brother now spoke, almost disgusted by what he was about to say. “Giving you away to this...freak.”

“Huh?”

Your mother now clung to you, as if you were about to disappear if she was to ever let go. “There was no other choice!” she exclaimed, while your father dramatically swung his balled fist on the table. “The Zoldycks are dangerous! We knew your fate was sealed when he came asking for your hand in marriage...”

“Of course we despise that sick weirdo. Who would wish for their child to be with someone like him?!” your father continued, his explanation wrenching your heart dry. “But if we hadn’t complied, they would’ve taken you by force. You know they would’ve killed all of us. It was to protect the family, so we had to give you up! My sweet, sweet child-”

“-shut up” you whispered as you felt tears burning in your eyes.

“It’s okay, Y/N” your sister was trying to wipe them away, letting her thumb run over your cheek. “We’ve grown stong now, Y/N! You don’t need to protect us anymore, we’re-”

“You still don’t stand any chance against them.” You got up from your chair, slamming your palms on the table. “But that’s not the point!”

“What did that monster do to you?” 

“Oh, he? Nothing!” you now screamed, slamming a plate to the ground to release some of the built-up tension. “In opposite to you, who abandoned their daughter to save their own skin!”

You didn’t know. How could you have missed that fact? Those people weren’t glad you married him, they just weren’t honest with you.

And they were selfish - for all they cared, they would’ve given you away to die if Illumi had been that way.

“My husband-” you choked on a sob, feeling as if the love you felt for Illumi was crushing you, keeping you from breathing freely. “He’s been here with you, wanting to understand what a normal family is like. But only now I realize this one is just as fucked up!”

“Don’t say something like tha-”

“I’m not done!” Suddenly, an outburst of your aura shook the whole room. “Illumi is a kind and confused person. He was benevolent with you, against all of his teachings. And you are talking behind his back? How cowardly of you. I thought we were a family of proud warriors!”

All of them were looking at each other, nodding in unity as they all thought the same.

“Illumi Zoldyck is probably the most dangerous of them all. Maybe not the strongest, but the most mad of them all.” You grid your teeth, almost snarling at your grandfather’s words. “Don’t fool yourself, Y/N. Love is a foreign concept for him. The word has spread across the whole continent: Even his own family, those bloodthirsty monsters fear that young man!”

“You don’t know him like I do.” Turning around, you prepared to leave - but your siblings blocked the way. “As if I’d listen to the opinions of people who gave me away just like that.”

“Listen to us, Y/N. Maybe you can free yourself. He might’ve placed a needle-”

“That’s enough.”

Your eyes widened in wonder. How did Illumi get back in without any of you noticing?

Yet here he was, and his aura had turned purple, stained with black from all the disappointment, hurt and anger he miraculously contained without breaking down.

“I think Y/N is tired and wants to leave.” His voice was as unaffected as always, yet one look of him was enough to make your siblings freeze in terror.

“You’re Y/N’s family, so I won’t kill you” your husband declared in an absentminded tone, grabbing your wrist and turning towards the exit without anyone daring an attempt to stop him. Just after he shoved you out of the door, Illumi would turn around one last time -  a threatening ember sparkling in his eyes.

“But consider this a warning: Y/N belongs to me.”

“Why?” your father asked with an almost begging undertone. “Why did it have to be Y/N?”

“Because your child is important to me.”

Illumi had carried you all the way out of the town, only getting to a hold when you were at a mountain far enough away. Not that your family would follow you anyway.

After being done crying to your heart’s extend, your husband let you down in the slightly wet grass, and you were able to see the dim lights of the city far away at the horizon.

“We’ve played here very often” you sniffled, trying to get a hold of yourself. “My siblings and I.”

“Ah.”

You appreciated moments like these. Illumi was a very good listener, even though you weren’t even sure that he actually cared about what you were saying.

It just felt good to have him near when you were sad.

“I’m so terribly sorry, Lumi...they shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay.” No, it wasn’t You knew he tried to hard to be the best version of himself today, to try and respect boundaries and to trust people, and yet- “I am aware I’m a repulsive person.”

“Not to me.” Gently stoking his face, you could feel him rubbing his cheek on your palm in return.

“That’s enough for me.”

For a while, you just sat there, enjoying your closeness and the absence of anyone else in silence.

“So this is what family is like” Illumi cut through the nature’s sounds, “They protect you. And they only want your best.”

“They only ever thought of themselves.” You pulled your knees onto your chest, burying your face in them.

“I refuse to believe that.” Your husband wanted to pat your back, but decided against it just at the last second. “They seemed to be in great pain because of their actions. Can’t this only be because they cared about you?”

He was right, of course. The man with the heart of stone was great at knowing other people’s feelings, apparently. What an irony.

But you were too angry at that moment to listen to his rational explanation. That was only human, too.

“You know, when I was a child, my parents-”

“Please.” You wanted him to stop right there and now. “Don’t elaborate.”

Every time Illumi would complete a story about his childhood, it usually ended up with you having a crying fit. Then he was the one having to console you instead of the other way around, and it made you only feel guilty.

Of course you were happy that he’d finally open up a little, but...no. Just not now.

“You defended me” he changed the topic, quietly adding “Even though they were right...”

“That’s only natural. You’re my husband.”

Back then, you didn’t know Illumi’s intentions when he asked you to become his. But truth was, you didn’t regret it - not even for a second.

Illumi on the other hand was as overwhelmed as always.

“I was afraid you’d stay with them.” His voice sounded impassive, yet you knew him better than that. “But now-”

Listening to you passionately defending your husband’s honor was satisfying, obviously - yet knowing you broke with your family left a foul aftertaste in his mind.

No one ever stood up for him like that.

What a day.

His mind was racing, still trying to catch up with everything that had happened today: You did all of that, no - gave up so many things, just because of him.

His entire life was going one set and predetermined way, revolving around his family. Yet meeting you had changed both of your fates in a completely different direction.

And this meant he now had to learn with the consequences of actions he did out of his own, free will.

What for? And was it good or bad?

Now that he was with you, he had liberties. Choices. But freedom felt wrong and made him feel...scared? Not even he could decipher his emotions very well.

All that was clear from now on that - to a certain extend - you were free to draft your own ways - and together, it didn’t seem all that bad for him.

_____

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[babineni]

Angst 19 - "Please don't leave."

Thank you for this 💖 sorry it took me this long to post it mainly bc I accidentally saved it as a draft and then I didn’t check it so it’s been there for two weeks whoops

but anyway have some immediately post-PoE 1 Aloth x Watcher stuff, featuring Gaura first experiencing abandonment issues

below a cut bc it got long

Gaura pulled her knees closer to her chest and wrapped her arms around them a little tighter. She wasn't sure what she hoped this would accomplish. Her body forming the same, nearly suffocating knot that took the space where her heart was meant to be, hardly could have eased her sorrows. She hid her face behind her legs and allowed the tears to come but she didn't grant herself the same freedom when it came to the sounds trying to escape her. Not a single cry left her mouth. The Watcher was scared that if she voiced her anguish, she would never stop weeping.

She knew that her friends would leave her, once their quest against the Leaden Key was done. And yet, the Watcher was still caught off guard by some of the departures.

She was ready when Sagani said goodbye, in fact, she was relieved and happy for her, and wished her a speedy return to her family. She was ready when Kana said goodbye. She knew his mission wouldn't be over until he presented his findings after all. They still shed a few tears, but not many, and none of them were bitter or sorrowful. And Durance... well, if there was someone Gaura was happy to see go, it was him.

But then Pallegina left to report to the ducs, even though she knew the repercussions she would have to endure. Gaura offered a place to stay, a place where she would be valued, cared for and safe, knowing exactly how she would respond. But she couldn't help it, she couldn't stop hoping the paladin would reconsider and stay.

Then Hiravias left as one would expect of a follower of Wael's. Still, Gaura figured that even he needed a place he could return to, a place where he could keep the secrets he uncovered, a place he could call home. She was sad to realize she was wrong.

Then Grieving Mother left. Even though the Watcher couldn't bear children herself, she hoped the midwife would stay for all the women living in and around Caed Nua. She hoped that their connection built upon seeing and knowing one another would be enough. But it wasn't.

And then Edér left and...

And...

And the next thing Gaura knew was, that she was sitting by the hearth in Brighthollow's kitchen, trying to cry as quietly as it was possible.

'There you are. I've been looking all over for you,' Aloth's voice prompted the Watcher to look up and hastily dry her eyes. The wizard stopped in his tracks when he saw the miserable state she was in. For a moment, he awkwardly looked back at the doorway he just passed through but once the moment passed he continued walking towards her. He approached her almost perfectly silently, catiously, burying his own unease under the comforting presence of a friend.

'I just needed some time alone,' Gaura broke the silence. 'I uhh... The lady of Caed Nua shouldn't be seen like a mess. People look to me for guidance and... I'm being a sentimental fool.'

'Come now, you're hardly being fair towards yourself,' Aloth sat down beside Gaura, close enough for his shoulder to touch hers. He shuffled somewhat awkwardly, but he didn't move away from her, nor did he give any other indication of being flustered. For a moment, the Watcher felt the urge to wrap her arms around him and weep on his shoulder, but the moment passed and she stayed motionless.

Gaura let out a sigh and turned her attention to the hearth on her other side. The embers still had a glow, fainter than her own but enough to inspire some reflection.

'No, I have grown... weak here. Caed Nua has made me vulnerable,' she scolded herself. 'I think back to the person I was before I left the Valleys and... I'm not the same.'

'It is only natural,' Aloth answered. 'You have been through a lot. And I imagine, the Watcher abilities alone could change one drastically. But you have carried your burdens with grace and bravery,' he smiled at her shyly, 'and I... I'm glad I was around to see it.' He hesitantly reached for the Watcher's hand, the same way she reached for his months before in the Brackenbury Sanitarium. His touch was somewhat lighter but it carried the same warmth, putting a weak smile on Gaura's face.

'Well... I hope you still see that grace and bravery now,' she chuckled ruefully, as she turned back to the wizard.

'I do.'

Gaura's smile grew a little wider. But her heart still felt heavy.

'I still wish I could feel like I used to. Being able to say goodbye used to feel like... a gift of sorts,' she explained. 'Being able to let go of an attachment free of loss... or grief... was something I felt grateful for. I never mourned for things that were beautiful but... momentary. And in the Valleys everything was beautiful but nothing truly lasted. But now...' The Watcher sighed and let her head hang. 'Like I said... I'm being a sentimental fool.'

Aloth's grip on her hand tightened slightly. Gaura felt him caress a knuckle with his thumb. But the uneasy way he shifted his weight next to her made her wonder if this act of comfort was for her or for him.

'I'm going to miss them too... and I think... I think I understand,' he said. 'Being a spy hardly offers a life full of long friendships. It always felt more appropriate to keep my distance and to cherish moments for what they were without letting it become... more,' he sighed. 'If I were to follow your line of logic, then Caed Nua made me weak too. In no small part, thanks to you. I don't think you need me to explain why this happened to the both of us.'

The Watcher didn't reply, but she felt the ache in her chest ease slightly at the wizard's words. There was a bittersweet comfort lingering in the air and for the first time, Gaura felt that the silence of Brighthollow, which was now empty save for the two of them, was not all that suffocating as she has been feeling it for the last few days.

'Thank you,' she said, as she dried the last of her tears and straightened up. 'I needed that, truth be told.'

'Anytime,' Aloth smiled. 'Although I admit, it feels a bit strange to echo your own ideas back to you.'

'Perspective is funny that way.'

'Indeed.'

Gaura let out a long sigh, trying to rid herself of the rest of her tensions. She gave Aloth's hand a slight squeeze, then she stood up and stretched her limbs. She inhaled deeply, as if the comfort of the wizard's encouragement was a presence she could physically take with her.

'Alright, I think I'm good,' she said, while she turned to Aloth with a smile. 'You were looking for me for something I presume. I'm ready to listen.'

Aloth's smile, however, faltered at her offer. A shade of red tinted his face - one of shame and guilt. He avoided her gaze as he spoke.

'It's... it's not important. It can wait until tomorrow.'

Gaura's heart sank. He didn't need to say anything else. She felt the suffocation of the silence between them grow more oppressive, the longer she was processing the implication hiding behind his hesitant words. She should've guessed the moment he entered that kitchen. She visited him in his room just a few days earlier. She saw the maps, the list of names, the blueprint of a scepter called "Keybreaker". She saw everything she needed to see, but Aloth didn't say anything then, and once they were out of her sight, they were out of her mind.

'When are you going to go?' The Watcher's voice was shakier than she would've liked.

Aloth turned back to her, his gaze full of unsaid apologies.

'I was planning on leaving in two days. But if it makes things easier-'

'It doesn't,' Gaura interrupted him.

The wizard merely nodded as a response and looked down at his hands lying in his lap. The same hands that just a few moments ago filled the Watcher with the comfort of knowing she wasn't alone. He shifted his weight and decided have those hands grab his seat instead so tightly, his knuckles turned white from the effort.

Gaura approached him, fighting the burning sensation overtaking her eyes again. She swallowed hard, closing her eyes, trying to hold on to whatever was left of her dignity. But a moment later, she gave up: she let a quiet curse slip through her lips as she knelt down and let her head drop against Aloth's knees. She shielded her face with her arms, ignoring the wizard tensing up in shock at her touch.

'Please don't leave,' she whispered.

'I... I must,' an awkward answer came from above, prompting Gaura to look up.

'Let me just beg you in peace. Alright?'

Aloth's expression softened slightly. His gaze was still apologetic but his face reflected sincerity rather than discomfort.

'Alright.'

The Watcher hid her face again. 'Please don't leave,' she repeated. 'Please don't leave. Please don't leave.' Her plea to him turned into a mantra for herself. Her eyelids grew heavy as she continued and her tears stopped falling. She might've heard a spell being cast and she might have felt a hesitant stroke against her scalp right before unconsciousness turned her numb to the world around her, but she couldn't be sure.

[forks-in-a-drawer]

Hi! I sent to long ask about the episode humanizing Jeanette. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you said Jeanette was lying about what happened between Tanya and Harris. I’m sorry it sounded that way! I was pointing out that after episodes and episodes of showing Jeanette lying, they finally showed her telling the truth about something and others not believing her so it was really significant. I also think what you said it right. It would’ve just been Jeanette’s word against hers so she could’ve came forward. I was also trying to get at the idea that Vince and Jeanette seemed to connect in a way that Jeanette and Mallory didn’t, so it would’ve been easier for Jeanette and Vince to reconcile. They always had each other’s back and Vince wasn’t hostile when they ran into Jeanette at the mall in that previous episode like Mallory was. That’s just not his personality but it could also speak to his closeness with Jeanette. Him wanting to continue a friendship with her is possible because of his personality but not Mallory’s. Myself - I’m more of a Vince than a Mallory so I understand why haha. And Jeanette wants to have that friendship again too. I think Vince sees that. I definitely understand you being more sympathetic towards Kate. I’m sorry that your personal experiences connect to hers in any way. I just try so hard to understand and empathize with Jeanette because the show feels.. uneven to me. Other than what Mallory says about Kate in ep 1, you are made to sympathize with Kate so much based on every single one of her relationships. Her mother, Harris, her step-sister, Jamie. You are made to not trust Jeanette at all from the beginning. Everything she does is meant to cause suspicious to move the story forward. So when we are asked to pick a side, it doesn’t feel fair because they make you naturally side with Kate. Not you as in you but you as in someone watching the show. I’ve seen others talk about this unevenness too. I guess I felt like some things you said were less understanding towards her than they would’ve been for Kate but I get that we all have different experiences and see things differently. I just worry that at this point, they’ve spent so much time villainizing her that when they give us more humanizing scenes for Jeanette like they did tonight, they won’t be noticed or cared about as much. I’m sorry this was so long yikes. Thanks for listening :)

Omg I’m so sorry for not posting this! I thought I had posted it, but it turns out that I accidentally saved it as a draft instead. For what's it’s worth, I’m trying out the new beta editor, which still has a few kinks that need to be worked out. 

I want to apologise on my behalf as well for my harsh response. 

You really hit the nail on the head though about how the show has progressed in its bias. Before the show premiered, it seemed like the line between innocent and guilty was going to be very thin with both girls and the first two episodes delivered on that premise. However, it has veered so far off from that. 

The show does make the average viewer almost immediately sympathise with Kate and turn against Jeanette. If the latest episode was meant to humanise Jeanette and make the viewers change their mind, it really came at the wrong time. If they didn’t have Kate centric after Kate centric episode and had this episode earlier on in the season, I think that it would’ve met its goal of having the audience reconsider their position on Jeanette. 

If that wasn’t what Freeform planned to accomplish, then they really did not market the show in the right way. You can’t have the entire premise of your show resting on the truth having multiple sides and then proceed to be biased and lure the viewers to feel that way as well. 

I’m really hoping that we get some more info and are better able to piece together the tine line soon because there are allegedly only 10 episodes and we’re past the halfway mark. It seems like we are no closer to finding out the truth than we were when the show first started. 

[baragakiscans]

Firstly, sorry for losing the post to your ask! Tumblr shitty UI stuff happened and I accidentally deleted the draft TvT (they should make an option for asks to reappear if the draft answer got deleted or sth smh)

Secondly, IM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG POST AAAAA

I tried to keep the explanations short like I did for Saraba (even that was pretty long) but then the more I tried the longer it became, and in the end what was supposed to be my take on like 2 pages of this book became this extremely long in-depth analysis of the entire book  _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_  But I mean, I’ve agonised over the translations for this book for almost half a year and I have Lots of Feelings about it because GOD I LOVE THIS BOOK

Anyway, Makkura is another one of those books with a lot of hidden layers that can be unpacked from the story with multiple rereads. Unlike Saraba where some things were intentionally left open to interpretation (I think), though, this book is slightly more straightforward, and I’d like to offer my take on the story.

Long post and Makkura spoilers below the cut!

At the beginning of the story, Gintoki and Hijikata were already dating (secretly-but-not-so-secretly). They’ve clearly been dating for a while now; Hijikata coming over to Gintoki’s place to stay the night (though he’d usually be gone by morning), mayonnaise in the Yorozuya fridge, etc… Though their displays of affection were rather subdued, to the onlooker (and everyone else around them) these two idiots were so obviously crazy in love with each other 💕💕 However, there is something that seems a little… off about their relationship, and this something would have continued lurking in the shadows…

The beginning of the end…?

…Had Gintoki not lost all of his memories of his relationship with Hijikata. Gone was the man who would become agitated at the mere thought of his beloved going into danger; the man before Hijikata now barely knew him, and the thought of dating the Demon Vice Commander would never have crossed his mind.

Imagine waking up to find out that your boyfriend has forgotten all about his relationship with you and makes THIS face at the mere thought of shacking up with you

What Hijikata did next may seem illogical at first (and don’t get me wrong, it really is), but it makes a bit more sense once you realise what exactly was off about their relationship.

You see, Hijikata didn’t think that he was good enough for Gintoki.

If you’re familiar with Syaku’s works, you may have noticed a particular trope being rather common: Hijikata and/or Gintoki falling in love with the other, yet not taking the step forward because they were afraid of getting in the way of the other’s creed—to protect.

Looks familiar? ;)

In Makkura, they did manage to take that step forward (regardless of who made that step first), but even so, there’s always been a niggling doubt somewhere in the back of Hijikata’s mind that maybe—just maybe—Gintoki would be better off without him. Hijikata would do everything in his power to protect the Shinsengumi, and he knows that Gintoki would do the same to protect those he holds dear. It just didn’t occur to him that he was one of them, too. Instead, he was afraid of Gintoki straying from his path because of him.

Gintoki losing his memories was like a wake-up call to Hijikata, that his relationship with Gintoki was too good to be true—and if it will all come to an end eventually anyway, then he should be the one to pull the plug first, especially since the perfect opportunity to reset everything to a clean state has presented itself. He pretended that nothing happened between the two of them. He told Gintoki to “Forget about all this. Everything.” He tried to convince himself that he should make a clean break and completely remove himself from Gintoki’s life, and be content with merely watching from afar.

Maybe Hijikata thought that since he and Gintoki never confirmed their relationship, the people around them will just shrug it off, or won’t notice the change in behaviour. But needless to say, everyone around them immediately noticed that something was wrong. And they even had Hijikata’s inner thoughts all figured out.

The Shinsengumi members know their vice commander too well XD

Even Gintoki himself had managed to put two and two together, but he just couldn’t figure out why he fell in love with the man with whom he always fights like cats and dogs. And since Hijikata himself was so adamant on nothing happening, all he could do was watch as the man-who-is-apparently-his-lover-but-he-somehow-forgot told him to stay out of his way. That’s why, it’s up to everyone else to restore Gintoki’s memories and get these two idiots back together.

While the Yorozuya kids were scrambling to find the antidote, Hijikata opted to go down the slippery slope of self-abandonment by meeting the pervert Bakufu official despite knowing full well what might happen to him. He thought it was all for the sake of the Shinsengumi, but seeing Gintoki down the hallway jolted him back to his senses and made him realise just how wrong he was. He realised the reason why he was actually doing this—to see if Gintoki would come to his aid, to see if Gintoki was still the man he knows and love. He realised that he doesn’t want to give his body to anyone anymore—anyone else, that is. He realised just how truly madly deeply in love he was with Gintoki.

What indeed…

By the time he realised this, though, it already seemed too late; it didn’t seem like Gintoki was going to save him. So, he resolved to keep his memories of Gintoki as a happy dream, and was ready to succumb to despair—when Gintoki finally comes to the rescue! (Not sure if Yamazaki didn’t press the button on purpose here) Of course, Gintoki was pissed off that Hijikata would do something this reckless. So he told Hijikata, “You should treasure yourself more…” (BTW, the original Japanese really only had “You should _______ more…”, I had to fill in the blanks) That’s when Hijikata realised that he was right all along; Gintoki hasn’t changed, even without Hijikata’s memories. And that’s all he needed to know.

And over in this exhibit we have the exact moment when Gintoki fell in love all over again

Right when Gintoki was about to profess his love say something to Hijikata, the kids finally arrive with the antidote! And Sougo even figured out that Gintoki doesn’t really need the antidote anymore since he’s in back in love with Hijikata XD But of course Gintoki wants to remember. Of course he wants to remember all about his time together with the man he now knows he loves. He drinks the antidote—

Ohhhh boy shit’s about to go DOWN

—And we arrive at the emotional climax of the story. Gintoki’s furious—Of course he would be; his lover just tried to erase himself from his life, thinking that it was for his sake! Gintoki thought that Hijikata had underestimated him—in a way, he’s right; Hijikata had underestimated just how much Gintoki needs him. He knew that Gintoki loves him, but he also thought that Gintoki should forsake him for the sake of those he wants to protect.

That’s why Gintoki let Hijikata know just how much he means to him. He has already come to know all of him, so he can’t ever bring himself to let him go. That’s when Hijikata started to realise that he was wrong about Gintoki, and wrong about himself. He meant much more to Gintoki than he ever thought he did.

This led to the one exchange that I wrote out this entire analysis for—

Did I really write 1800 words just for this? Yes. Yes I did.

If Hijikata really meant so much to him, then does that mean Gintoki would have tried to erase himself from Hijikata’s world for his sake, too? Gintoki doesn’t think so, but that’s after everything that has happened so far. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do it if their positions really were reversed at the beginning of the story? They both know that, because they both hold on so dearly to the same beliefs, the same pride.

That led to Gintoki throwing the question back at Hijikata—does that mean Hijikata would fall in love with Gintoki again even without his memories, just like Gintoki did? In asking this, Gintoki was telling Hijikata that, even if he were to do the same, deep down, he would still want Hijikata to fall in love with him again. And that’s when Hijikata realised—it was the same for him, too.

At that point, the two of them came to the same conclusion—neither of them can live without the other anymore. Yet, even if their positions were reversed, they would still have done the same. And even if that were to happen, they would still arrive at this same conclusion. They both love the other too much to let go; yet, they both love the other so much that they’d be willing to let go. Now that they both know this, their bond has become truly unbreakable.

Hijikata’s reply was therefore an affirmation—

“Even so, you’d have done the same. Even so, I’ll still fall in love with you.”

That’s just the way both of them are.

And so, at the end of the story, we now have Gintoki who wants Hijikata to know just how much he loves him (maybe becoming more possessive in the process?), and Hijikata who now knows just how much Gintoki loves him, and has come to forgive himself for loving him. Their relationship is one full of contradictions, yet no matter what happens, they will both find their way back to the place where they belong—in (or should I say on?) each other’s arms.

Look at the how much love there is in Hijikata’s eyes just LOOK AT IT AAAAA

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Makkura is one of my top Ginhiji doujins of all time! I really really hope that my translation managed to do it justice, and I hope my ramblings were coherent enough TvT 

If you’ve managed to read this far, do give Makkura a reread and you just might see it in a different light ;) Of course, my interpretation might be different from what Syaku intended to present, so feel free to come up with your own interpretations as well!

Also, halfway through writing this I found an analysis by @mugimarumaru over in the MRM comments section, so do check it out as well :>

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and hope you have a nice day~

(I wish I’d put in this much effort in my college essays)

- JJ

(P.S. The REAL question here: if their roles were reversed would that make it a Hijigin book 🤔🤔🤔)

[lawyerd]

This obviously isn’t the way I expected things to end, but, as I’ve been alluding to all week, today I am officially finished with law school!!

Thanks to everyone that joined me on this journey. I saved this URL in the spring before my 1L year, after spending months flipping through other studyblrs and feeling motivated and, frankly, in love with the aesthetic. I started off taking a bunch of photos and saving them to my drafts, thinking I’d only ever really “launch” this blog if I amassed enough content first, since I knew I’d be too busy to actually update it daily without some kind of backlog of posts. That plan went out the window sometime in November of 1L when I accidentally hit “post” instead of “save to drafts” and this blog was officially born.  

This blog was a little light for me throughout law school, but especially during 1L. Spending 15 minutes a day to do something as little as arrange my books and edit a photo gave me a break when I most needed it. During 1L, I was still struggling to meet my friends, so interacting with the online grad and law school communities made me feel supported and encouraged. I feel like I answer less question now than I once did (is this because people have stopped asking or just because I’m tired LOL there’s no way to know), but I loved sharing a little bit of insight into what my experience was like and I was surprised to see that nearly 40,000 of you were interested in hearing it. 

My blog has changed over the last few years, from a focus on hand lettering, something I’ve always loved but that’s time-consuming and inappropriate for legal notes, to quicker and easier photos of what I’m reading, eating, drinking, enjoying and well, looking at. I hope the shift hasn’t been disappointing haha. I feel like it happened pretty casually. I think the stress of law school has helped me to slow down in my personal life and find enjoyment in, well, at the risk of sounding cliche, the little things. Waking up early enough to truly enjoy a cup of coffee before school or work has become a singular pleasure, as has a nice, fresh pastry and long, comforting novel. 

This slower lifestyle seems well-suited to COVID-19, and I guess in a way, I’ve been lucky in this moment that so much of my own joy has always derived from being in my own home, but the world still feels terrifying and isolating and it’s a strange time to graduate, and a stranger time still to celebrate your own accomplishments. 

I think I enjoyed law school a lot more than much of the online law school community, but man, I’m happy it’s over. I met some of my best friends here and had some truly fun, goofy, incredible times, but I also developed both high blood pressure and an anxiety disorder solely from school-related stress, gained and lost weight every few months in a cycle, lost more sleep than I can possibly convey and strained a lot of my personal relationships at various points. I feel physically exhausted and as though I’ve really dragged myself across the finish line here. 

I keep finding myself tearing up. This is huge, guys. I decided I’d like to be a lawyer when I was like 11 or 12, but I never thought I’d do actually do it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just been life-long imposter syndrome. I’m the first lawyer in my family, which is in and of itself a hurdle, and I feel like I faced constant financial and familial hurdles throughout. I didn’t get into those here, but trust that they were many. These past three years have been the hardest of my life for more than just school-related reasons. I know I have a lot of younger followers in high school and younger, so I suppose this is my very corny, but absolutely heartfelt message to you to follow your dreams. It’s not always easy, but you can do it. 

So, next steps - first, a short break, unusual for law grads who usually immediately have to take the bar. I was initially devastated at the bar’s postponement, but I’m trying to take advantage of the delay to heal myself a bit, hopefully, while working on some pro-bono COVID-related projects. Then, I’ll study the delayed bar (fingers crossed that it isn’t pushed back further) and, eventually, become a lawyer.

Thanks for joining me on this ride  ⚖️

Xxx Kit