#i WILL use this blog to dump out my excess thoughts every time i write a siginificant chunk

[cerealmonster15]

ok ok ok now im at a crossroad of 'how direct do i want to commit to this side ship i was maybe going to just vaguely hint at' like it's not in the tag bc it's NOT ABOUT THEM but also. teehee.

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

k i woke up to thirteen unread messages, so let’s just do a fucking blanket text post covering everything so that i can go curl up by the fire with my aus and pussy eating fics in peace, yeah?

spoilers under the cut

hi, yes, hello, i’m still chill and hype

“but diz,” you say into my ask box. “how can you still be hype when kang has clearly demolished everything we’ve worked so hard for?”

because she hasn’t.

“but aren’t you tired of kang doing all this crazy, inconsistent writing? aren’t you sick of her doing everything for the shock value and not being true to the characters?”

sigh.

y’all.

don’t come for my girl like that.

call me delusional if you want, but to me all of this fits perfectly within the same narrative, which has been leading to canon from the day she took the helm. 

i have already done a thousand and one breakdowns as to why carol getting with zeke was caryl-positive, so i’m not gonna go there again, but the leah thing is too.

“but diz--”

shh, i’m still talking. 

picture this: you are a lonely, lonely man who has gone through hell and back, and it took you years to open up to your found family, only for your best friend to explode and the love of your life to go marry a guy who probably worked at medieval times to pay for college, and now you’re all alone in the woods trying to figure out wtf to do with yourself. 

you tell yourself you can keep visiting your niece and her mom now and then, but that kind of sucks bc of the aforementioned best friend exploding, and also you and your niece’s mom had to murder a bunch of small children and that tends to be kind of traumatizing to remember, so it’s not the ideal situation

but at least you still have your girl, even if she is in an indefinite LARP game for the rest of her life. 

but!

then she says, “actually, i can’t come visit you much anymore, what with the whole community, and husband, and child thing,” 

and then you are actually Alone.

and it’s for the first time, because every time before that you at least had your brother, who might have been a piece of shit, but at least he was there. 

so you meet some chick on the road. you’re sad, no longer feel like you have a family (after it took you so long to get one that you actually loved), and you’re more alone than you have ever been, and you meet this chick who is a loner like you, and you’re wary at first. the two of you don’t trust each other, bc you don’t trust easy. but over time you start to build that trust, and she offers you companionship that you are so desperately in need of, and maybe you wouldn’t usually be into it, but given the Literally Everything Else going on, it’s like, why the fuck not? you have N O T H I N G left.

so she gives you an ultimatum--her or what little is left of your family. well, your family is scattered to the wind and being around them only hurts you more, and this person is offering you a chance for something new (and when things get rly bad, hasn’t your go-to move always been to run anyway?) so you say okay. you say you’ll go.

except nvm, she ditched you, lol, you’re all alone again! sucks to suck.

skip ahead, you’re back with your family, and your og girl has dumped the LARPer, and maybe things can be good again, except there’s a bunch of people going full hannibal lecter wearing other people’s faces on their own and murdering everyone, and your og girl is actually insane rn due to years’ worth of unresolved trauma, and you’re suddenly a dad, and you’re being asked to make nice with the guy who literally tortured you, and honestly? it’d be hard enough as is to trust again, but this whole situation is NOT HELPING. 

so by the time the war ends you are tired, and you are hurt, and you are wary, because you keep losing things that matter. and you got back the one person in the world who mattered the most, except she did some super questionable shit, and you’re having a hard time reconciling it, and finally you just Lose It, bc goddamnit, you’ve earned it, mkay? you are entitled to a little blow up. if she gets to literally blow shit up then the least you can do is yell a little, like damn.

but. 

she’s the one person in the world who matters most. a rebound fling over the course of a few months =/= ten years of being soulmates. you’ll forgive her, she’ll forgive you, and the two of you will ride off into the sunset together, almost as if you were suddenly in your own spin-off show. 

what a concept?

/fin/

“alright, but diz--”

OH MY GOD HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE OBJECTIONS?

listen. here is what daryl/leah teaches us:

-daryl is willing and capable of having intimate relationships

-that being said, daryl being in a relationship has been a Big Thing for everyone, regardless of who they ship him with, since s1, so if it was supposed to be The Most Important Relationship Ever to him, the juicy parts would not happen off screen. there’s a reason the sex is only implied. they’re not showing it until it’s the Real Thing

-we now know daryl has had sex in the past ten years, so maybe he’ll actually last more than six seconds when he bones down with carol! very good!

-this also teaches us that hoo buddy, y’all have some mixed morals when it comes to these characters. the “daryl would only be in a relationship if he rly loved them, so how could he possibly love carol still?” thing is like. dude. carol is MARRIED during this, and he doesn’t get to see her much anymore. is he supposed to just walk around jacking it while crying for the rest of his life? the man tried to move on, and the tragic thing is that he got screwed over. i do not think this is out of character at all. i think daryl fell in love with carol, she got married, he was lonely, tried to move on and convince himself he could be happy with this other chick (who might be rly cool, who knows??), and then he got his heart broken again, before it ever really healed to being with. the boy is a giant bleeding heart who is getting stomped on constantly, and y’all better stop yelling at him for trying to feel better or i’ll come for you. this is like carol having rebound sex with zeke. if you want your characters to be realistic then you have to let them do human things, holy shit

this is getting excessive, let’s tie it up.

the main takeaways here are:

-no it’s not out of character

-yes it fits the narrative, kang isn’t just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks, it all has a purpose, which is why i’m totes fine with it

-leah might not actually die, which thank god, i thought it was douchey of them to kill off another woman for Man Pain. i’m glad i’ve been wrong about her and connie both

-oh yeah, connie...i have no new feelings on connie

-daryl now has sexual stamina, so we can all update our headcanons now

-“i can’t believe they end the episode on such a sore note! their friendship is almost destroyed, how will it ever recover??” ...how are you surprised? that was...that was literally the description of the episode, my dude. that one didn’t exactly come out of left-field. it’ll be okay, they’re gonna make up. hopefully through a bunch of hyperbolically tragic misadventures. it’ll be a good time, calm down

-there is a FUCKING SPIN-OFF coming, how can you think they won’t reconcile?

-actually it’d be super funny if they were just giving each other the silent treatment throughout the entire thing lmfao

-“have you seen that new caryl show?” “yeah, it’s fucking weird. there’s no dialogue??”

-anyway

-does it help if i said i secretly thought they might fuck the whole time, specifically for the reasons stated above, and i’ve been kinda into it since the promo but didn’t say so bc i didn’t want to get hanged? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

-idk y’all, that’s all i got. drink up ig?

i just found out that i’m literally anemic, and y’all are still more exhausting than anything else. it’s okay to just like. enjoy things. i promise.

now if you’ll excuse me, i have aus to dive head-first into. i’m not gonna say a whole bunch else about shit unless it gets rly necessary. i think i will make this blog relentlessly positive out of spite, and will just post fics and shippy gifs. i have a photoshop free trial (thatigottomakeaberniememe), mb i’ll make sappy caryl gifs as practice and bombard you all with them. feel free to come by for cheering up, but i’m not gonna repeat myself six thousand times, either

stay hype, STAN KANG, and get daryl to call carol sweetheart 2k21,

-diz

[grapenehifics]

Chapter One

This is my blog about my Star Wars fanfiction, Solsbury Hill. You can find it on AO3 here.

I wrote this in a year, which is...frankly it's fucking incredible, and I need to remind myself that it's okay to say that. By NaNoWriMo standards, I wrote somewhere between six and eight books last year, while also working full-time and going to grad school part-time, in a global pandemic. Fucking hell!

I've never actually finished writing a book before. But this? This I finished. Yes, it sustained my interest, but I also finally worked out how to push through things even when I'm not feeling it. Well, maybe 'push through' isn't right. Writer's block is, at least for me, just my brain's way of telling me that whatever I'm having my character(s) do, is not the right thing for them to be doing. And once I find where the problem is (and usually sleep on it for a few nights), I can generally figure it out. All of this is to say, even if Solsbury Hill ends up being total crap, it made me a better writer, and was still an extremely useful and moving experience to me on a personal level.

(I don't think it's crap; actually I'm incredibly proud of it. Every once in a while I'll read something in it back to myself and think, hot damn! But I reserve the right to change my mind over time [lots of things I thought were good when I wrote them when I was younger I look back on now and think, yeesh], and honestly I expect myself to grow and change as a person and a writer as I get older. I'm doing it wrong if I don't! This story is very, VERY much of the time when I wrote it, and I love that it's reflective of me and what I was going through between late 2020 and early 2022, because I don't keep a diary otherwise so this is sort of it, baby. But it's okay if it's not objectively good. It's not like I'm getting paid for this.)

The parts I knew when I started were that I wanted to develop the idea that Obi-Wan is not Anakin's father, but was thrust largely unexpectedly and almost against his will into a father-like role, which as they grew and because they are who they are ended up being more like that of brothers, one a little older than the other and therefore on paper the one in charge, but that Obi-Wan came to rely just as heavily on Anakin as Anakin does on Obi-Wan. I wanted that claustrophobic sort of feeling that the two of them were all but abandoned by the system, and so developed this almost codependent relationship because there was no one coming to rescue them or support them. To follow canon, Obi-Wan needed to have some sort of ostensible teacher/mentor role over Anakin, but what would that look like in a modern setting...?

I considered a couple of different things, that I still reserve the right to write about because I still think they're good ideas. An orchestra AU would be super fun - I have no idea how to write about strings but Anakin as a trumpet or tuba player who can't press the valves after a hand injury, maybe? I even thought about making them rugby players instead of swimmers (Obi-Wan being British would make a lot more sense in that AU). But, while I don't know as much about swimming as I do about orchestra, I know enough about it to make it work (I hope), and having a character whose physicality is based on Hayden Christensen's was just too good an opportunity to pass up. He just looks like a swimmer - that inverted triangle body shape, broad shoulders, narrow waist, big hands - and it felt right for him to have a single mom who dumped him in a pool because she needed something to get all that excess energy out of him, and then discovered he could do it at a professional level. And to make Obi-Wan the one who is also good at it, but only because he really works at it, not because he has any natural gift for it, and gets annoyed when Anakin wants to coast on the fact that his body can do things 'normal' people can't do without even trying, and this gives Anakin a complex (after Palpatine suggests it to him) that Obi-Wan is secretly jealous of the things Anakin can do and Obi-Wan couldn't (even if no such issue actually exists).

But now I'm getting ahead of myself. That all comes up in later chapters (at least I hope it does. If I've done my job right). Chapter one is about establishing who they are at this particular age, how they met, and a little bit about where they were (parents, foster care, etc.) that we'll continue to play with as the story goes on.

-I'm literally just using Obi-Wan as a mouthpiece here to espouse getting pierced at tattoo parlors. Do not go to Claire's! Needles are safer, more sanitary, and they hurt less than guns.

-The bit about ice cubes is straight out of the Parent Trap remake. Thanks, Lindsey Lohan!

I'll also take a quick second just to say that, while I considered just dropping this whole story all at once (it's done; I have it in Word; I could do it), I love serialization so much as a reader that I wanted to emulate that in my writing, too. Even with TV I prefer weekly episode drops over bingeing a whole series at once. It gives me big Charles Dickens vibes and I'm into that.

Until next week!

[lacktastrophe]

Daisy MegaPost Pt1

Update: 3/7/2021

This one’s been in the shop for a couple of years now. I think I started this way back in 2019 but I just became just far too busy to work on huge posts again. I had anticipated to have all of Daisy written up during the break that BCB had, but I became in need of a break myself too. Part two was written up, but I never went further.

I had come back to this recently and made some changes. I wasn’t too happy with the way I used to write and I’ve been editing this over and over, until I noticed it wasn’t keeping them. I’ve published it now since there wasn’t any point just keeping it in drafts and it’s more or less done, just not in this state I’m perfectly happy with, but it seems to be keeping my changes now it’s in this state. I anticipate I’ll still be making some edits. Before I continue on with Part 2. As for part 3 and onwards, I can’t give a time frame.

With the webtoons version way ahead of the chapters here, I’ll probably make progressive updates and start using those over the old Volume 1 art, I’d anticipate the webtoons version is a retelling of the story and thus there might be some retcons, like how Kizuna was replaced with Stacy. I’d anticipate some changes might make different meanings for the future.

I still enjoy examining the story and characters. I still plan to do some introspections to the other characters I haven’t come to, but it’ll be far fewer and in-between than years ago. I have other projects and those need priority. 

But I’m happy that people still enjoy reading these.

---

We’re onto the main characters now, things are going to need to change with the way mega-posts are going to be published from this point forward. My previous mega-posts are usually just one long post, hence the name. Though they’re starting to become uncontrollable, and Tumblr is clamping down, or at least not really working with excessive word counts.

Uh oh. . .

Well, the old mega-posts can still be accessed but you’ll need a direct link, they won’t show up on the mainroll and I’d be surprised if they still show up these days, and I’d have to guess this has something to do with the anti-spam detection on Tumblr.

If you were interested in the previous mega-posts, they can be accessed on their own page from my blog’s front page. I just wouldn’t try reading some of the earlier ones on an app, it’ll struggle. 

The other problem was with the word count, even without the characters being the prime focus, they’re starting to get long. Abbey’s alone was a 16000  behemoth. This surprised me, as despite him being a secondary character there was an awful lot to discover and talk about. Augustus, despite being a character who appeared much more in-between chapters but much fewer than Abbey, was nearly 21000 words. If there was that much to talk about with the secondary characters, the same method of just dumping as much as I can into one post is clearly not going to work when we start approaching the main characters. I had to split both of them up for my own convenience.

The main change is to make these smaller so they’re friendlier on the app and the website; maybe aim for 2000-5000 words without focusing too heavily on trying to get through on as many chapters as possible and see how far we go. 

The plan from this point forward is to do a large collection of write ups but then deploy them progressively. That’ll also give anyone who’s keen a chance to give feedback or who wants to talk further about something. 

Sound good?

Me too! So without further ado, let’s get a move on and have a look at Daisy.

----

So, our first protagonist, where do we start with  Daisy?

How you’re first introduced to Daisy really depends on whether you read the book or followed the comic through the site. The book’s opening chapter, ‘Like a Bittersweet Candy Bowl’ introduces you to Daisy as a massive bookworm who does well in school. She’s pretty smart!

Book in hand, we’d pretty much believe that right off the bat. She appears like the most studious in this group of friends. And we’d be right! She even puts the ever-perfect Mike to shame. She’s nothing less than a perfect student. 

‘Perfect’ could be an understatement, Daisy is a literal freak of nature when it comes to her academics; as when Daisy and the kids transition to Roseville high, we find her already in classes well advanced than her peers.

Daisy is just that incredible!

Through the website, ‘Simple Pleasures’ aims to introduce the kids in much the same way, but there is far less in the way of monologuing and we’re introduced as the characters interact. In much the same way as the introduction chapter in volume 1, we learn that Daisy is quite the bookworm and school-obsessed student, even during weekends. But that’s not the only thing dominating her thoughts, as when Lucy goes out on her walk, the first person she runs into is Daisy who is looking for someone else in particular!

You guessed it!

Oh GOD, does Daisy like boys! Can you guess who she’s got her eye on?

Of course it’s Mike. Are you surprised she’s got a deep crush on the boy who seems very perfect himself? Everywhere that Mike goes, you can be sure that there’s a shadow in the shape of Daisy not too far behind. . .

Wherever he goes. . .

Daisy doesn’t shy from showing her interest in him when the convenience calls for it. Ah, young love.

Eventually, Daisy would find love, though it wouldn’t be with Mike. It would however be the second longest running relationship in the comic if you consider Mike and Sandy, with an admirer of hers. 

Still, suffice to say, even after every attempt gets shot down in the most spectacular way, Daisy bounces back -- Like a daisy. Her shining ray of positivity follows her everywhere.  It’s all in the name, after all. Daisy still manages to rise up with her sunny disposition. 

But not every time.

As the story progresses, little by little, we start seeing that there’s more to Daisy. We start to see that not everything is bright and happy like her name-sake despite appearances. Things would be far from perfect, and underneath that smiling face is a character suffering with low self-esteem in that very same area; her appearance; believing their Ragamuffin/Selkirk-Rex heritage is letting them down and putting them in misery. This tends to be particularly true on rainy days, when all the hours she spends of a morning brushing down her fur become undone when the droplets causes it to fluff up and the curls start showing. Daisy attributes these traits to the reason she isn’t quite as easily noticed by the boys as the other girls, setting up for a number of stories involving her in Volume1, and opening her to be taken advantage of in the pursuit of attention and affection.

Not all the characters gain admirers or attention and for most of these characters, this is fine. But Daisy is not one of those and this above all things has an enormous impact on her. She wants to be noticed and receive affection, particularly from Mike, and others to a degree. 

It’s when faced with multiple rejections from her dream boyfriend we also progressively discover a side of her shown to be more envious if not resentful of a few others who have it so easy, particularly with one such character inside her friend circle.

As you can imagine, these weaknesses will eventually put Daisy in danger as she tries her best to come up with ways to cope and make changes in order to improve her life, especially if the means are at the cost of logical reasoning like taking advice from the seediest boy in the school to attain her goals. She isn’t infallible; Intelligence doesn’t necessarily mean smarts. Even with someone who does as well in school as Daisy does, there’s always room to grow. 

But until that happens, Daisy often finds herself in trouble when her personal feelings, ambitions and dreams do the talking for them on pursuit of happiness, for herself and others.

And oh boy, doesn’t Daisy make more than her own fair share of mistakes.

Let’s move onto the story, it starts with Simple pleasures, the first chapter.

This chapter serves to introduce us to the main group of characters central to the story and so features the aloof and prickly Lucy, the playboy Paulo, the ever-perfect Mike and the bookworm Daisy. It starts with Lucy on a morning walk and progressively running into each of them. With Daisy specifically, it starts with Daisy coming across her first and greeting her by shouting ‘Hey’ behind her.

Except...Lucy ignores her, and we don’t know why -- Is Lucy doing this intentionally? She’s in a world of her own at the moment with her singing. Are they friends? Is she just so aloof she doesn’t realise she’s there?

Well, Daisy isn’t going to let herself be ignored so easily and she really needs Lucy for something. So she goes to get her attention by impulsively grabbing onto Lucy’s tail. This would turn out to be a very critical mistake that one of the other protagonists just can’t stop helping himself from doing, and because of that we notice that Lucy isn’t as aloof as she seems, and reciprocates by twisting around and kicking her in the face.

Only to find that the person she was expecting was actually Daisy, much to her surprise. There’s a reason she never noticed her.

The first chapter has a number of objectives, it serves to set up the tone of the comic by showing the dynamic between the main group of friends, but also displays their characteristics. We already learn a couple of things from Daisy and Lucy’s interaction here. We learn that Lucy has a short fuse when it comes to unwanted contact. She appears aloof, but the main reason for Lucy not acknowledging Daisy initially is through the understanding that she’s partially deaf, unable to hear out of her left ear in similar in characteristic with her breed, the Khao Manee. Many of the other characters will make this mistake too and often at times Lucy doesn’t make it obvious she can’t hear what’s going on around them and needs to ask about what transpired much later. Lucy’s aloofness will be questioned in time as we start seeing more of her.

Daisy had forgotten about Lucy’s disability because something else was more important. And naturally, we learn that Daisy has, no less; a bit of a crush on the forefront of her mind. And we learn here that crush is on Mike, one of their friends at school, and her reasoning for bothering Lucy is that she’s only looking for him. What we come to learn later is it’s a little known fact that wherever Lucy is, Mike is often not too far away. In fact Lucy is never off on her own by herself. 

Sadly for Daisy, Lucy doesn’t know where he is, so Daisy runs off in the opposite direction. That’s about as much of Daisy as we see until the next chapter. 

Before we move on, let’s talk more about their interaction. As brief as it was, the interaction gives off more in the subtext into the status of the relationships between these characters and the others. I anticipate as new readers many of the details of this interaction just fly over heads, accepting these two are friends and this is just how they are. But being as late into the comic as we are, I feel we’re already seeing some of the signs of what’s to come in the story through this short interaction. Not everything is as it seems.

Most of this payload of information is laid in the question that Daisy poses after Lucy asks her what she’s after. When Lucy states she hasn’t seen Mike, Daisy asks ‘Oh no, did you upset him?�� 

Immediately we’re given some insight into the triangle that exists between these characters and their relationship between one another, and insight into the state of these relationships.

Starting with Mike and Lucy’s relationship as the question is directed about the two of them, we learn that the friendship isn’t without it’s issues, and we’d be quick to pass this off initially as something that happens from time to time. Fight’s happen, it’s a fact of life, and it happens more so when you’re a kid and figuring things out, yourself and life.  Reading through the story, we would find the two inseparable in the later chapters and we never look at Daisy’s question again. But reading through BCB again from as late in the comic as we are, we have to wonder why this question specifically.

What we learn much later in the comic as we progress through is that Mike and Lucy’s relationship is much more complicated than what it appears to be. Much later, we see that the two do argue from time to time, until we get to the point where the plaster and apologies aren’t mending the cracks. The friendship isn’t quite as clean cut as it was made out to be and we start seeing some back stories into the characters. What appears to be a competitive rivalry through volume 1 between two friends is really something more sinister. By the time we reach Volume 4, we learn these two are really anything but friends.

For the moment, Daisy’s casual interaction gives off a sense of normality in their environment and understanding the answer to the question would actually help plan out her next move if we were to consider that maybe there was some intent behind the question. But we’ll get to the nature of it soon.

Without knowing too much about the kids as early in the story. I’d feel we’d put our trust in the kids to tell the story for us, and Daisy does come off as being quite perceptive and trustworthy immediately being the positive bookkeeper she is, she would be the expert for us until such a time as we become the experts. 

One thing we’d discover much later on our own is that the Mike and Lucy are inseparable. In one way or another, they will find each other and act like close friends again. And Daisy knows this too without specifically pointing it out. Already suggesting that they’ve fought, it would only be a matter of time before they made up again, whether that takes minutes or hours. No matter how big the town is again, so long as they’ve got each other in their thoughts, they’ll stumble upon each other in no time, almost like a six sense.

It could be said that this is for the sake of convenience in the story in getting them to interact faster in the comic and resolve disputes, and that would be right. But BCB takes this and turns it into a running gag between just these two characters. There are more than a few jokes that exist in Volume 1 to make this seem like these two are made for each other in the way that they will eventually run into each other no matter how big the town is. One such joke is seen in Volume 1 through Mike’s inability to surprise Lucy on her Birthday. It’s so powerful, even Lucy’s auditory disability doesn’t stop her from catching him just before he can do it, even if the hiding spot isn’t obvious.

We’ve only seen this fail once, and that was in ‘Its all in the mind’ when Mike does sneak up on her, but Lucy has very much moved on from Mike at this point, so we’d have to wonder if this is something to do with them both being in Sync, we might not know.

-

The question Daisy asks doesn’t just pertain to Mike and Lucy’s relationship however, it also begs the question to Lucy and Daisy’s relationship at the same time. In fact, if it wasn’t for Daisy’s sunny disposition and Lucy’s stone-faced responses, the entire interaction would appear quite rude; Daisy’s question isn’t whether or not she’s seen him, only if she’s upset him, shedding some poor light on Lucy’s personality.

It’s important to remember that while these two are friends at our current point in the comic, they did not start out as friends, especially when you consider Confrontation, as we’re coming up to. Daisy, while she was amicable around Lucy and quite hospitable to her in the friend group, has to contend with her as being this roadblock to getting to Mike. Lucy seemed more aloof around her, but there’s more than enough to suggest that Lucy had other mutual feelings.

Understanding now that there is a rivalry between the two (or a one-sided rivalry, take your pick), we can understand why that particular question had been asked. Its tent though is to give more reason to Daisy’s next move: If Lucy did divulge she had fought with him; then it would only be a matter of time before Mike showed up, as Mike would feel the need to apologise and through their innate ability, would find each other, it would just be a matter of time. If she hadn’t; then Mike could be just about anywhere. 

It turns out to be the later. And too infatuated with Mike (or not interested in hanging out with Lucy, take your pick), Daisy does not simply stay with her to wait and runs off in the opposite direction, hoping to find him first. 

It’s when Daisy is no longer in the focus, we can see that Lucy isn’t exactly as stonewalled as she initially appeared to be, blushing from the interaction.

As possible that Lucy is only reacting because of her stupid head-over-heels attitude for that other idiot, as Lucy is yet to realise her feelings for Mike, we could wonder if it might not also be because Daisy has rudely pointed at the elephant in the room in Lucy and Mike’s relationship. Who’s to say?

(2021 edit -- The webtoon has this piece of dialogue changed. This time Daisy asks ‘Awww, are you both fighting still?’, which makes this even more pronounced that things aren’t all quite sunshine already. )

Finally, Daisy and Mike. Now that Lucy’s interaction with Daisy is done, Daisy is running around town looking for Mike, for whatever reason it just can’t wait until school. 

Ah love. I’m sure it won’t be a problem in the future, right? 

Mike is a real nice guy; lending Daisy his math workbook to Daisy.

We really need to look a bit deeper into this. We know much later in the story we that Daisy is well in advance of her peers in her studies. When she starts Roseville high, we find her in no more than two ahead of the others in her grade, with the juniors, and Tess.

And in the first few chapters of volume 1, we learn that Daisy often tutors Mike, so there’s no way Daisy even needs that book.

Unless...

O---Oh. It wasn’t for Math after all.

We’d come to learn that boy troubles are generally the source for all of Daisy’s grief. We’ll find that Daisy’s crazed obsession over Mike is used to justify a lot of the actions she’ll take in the future and we don’t know how bad this is until the much later volumes. Volume one step over this lightly as just a girl wanting her crush’ affection. But it becomes more pronounced in the much later volumes, especially when Abbey makes a point out of it when Daisy is less inhibited to keep her real feelings secret after getting drunk off Alcohol at Rachel’s party in a very late chapter.

Getting back to the current chapter, Lucy will notice that Mike eventually did find Mike, but she’s not with him. So maybe that was all she really wanted.

We’d be saps for thinking that.

But without anything concrete, we can only presume that was it. So thanks for returning Mike’s book, Daisy.

Daisy appears again in Merry Snow Day, the following chapter. This is a very short chapter where the kids are going to school after Lucy (begrudgingly) accepts schools not out, and walks with Mike to school. Daisy appears not long after and the first order of the day is to talk about homework, including offering to tutor him. She’d do anything if it meant helping her fellow students.

It’s at this part we’re introduced to the subtle idea of the rivalry for Mike’s affection between Daisy and Lucy. It’s subtle since it’s very one-sided and Lucy and Daisy don’t directly interact with one another or show that they’re fighting. Their interactions for most of the early chapters happen through Mike like you can see above when Lucy adds herself into the conversation. We’d have reason despite Lucy’s aloofness that such a rivalry does exist subconsciously and there are some reasons to believe this we’ll touch on. But for the moment, we can be sure that Lucy doesn’t consider Daisy a threat for one main reason: Mike will come back, so there’s no problem.

Daisy wouldn’t make a point of the rivalry either but Daisy would take advantage of the convenience of Lucy being out of the picture to seek attention from Mike, as she does when Lucy continues to school, and Daisy directly copies what happened just seconds ago when Lucy was about to fall on the ice, and Mike catches her.

Nice.

This chapter also introduces Yashy, Lucy’s pet Lizard and her surrogate daughter into the story line. The earlier chapters of Bittersweet Candy Bowl are ripe with slap-stick humour, and Yashy is the general source of this with her outspokenness and wise-ass personality. She’s there to rile up the others and break all the ice with her innocent demeanour. This will be the case up until the kids go to Highschool when the comedy starts being turned down in place of focusing on the rifts coming between the kids.

Unlike the other pets, Yashy is integral to the plot involving Lucy and Mike’s relationship, as she’s partly the reason for the friendship going on as long as it has. Having known Yashy for as long as Lucy, Mike takes on the role of the surrogate dad in Yashy’s life and this ends up having Yashy taking on the belief that Mike and Lucy are an established couple. But this isn’t true, and it plagues Mike as this is anything further than the truth. But with Yashy’s innocence, he can’t find the means to break this to her.

Yashy’s insistence of Mike and Lucy’s eventual destiny of being husband and wife comes at Daisy’s expense, as despite Lucy not necessarily seeing reason to stop Daisy’s attempts at trying for seek Mike’s affection, it’s Yashy who perceives her as a real threat and will shout obscenities at her when she doesn’t get her way, with a particular choice of word in mind. Though it doesn’t stop Daisy. But we can’t help but wonder much later if those words Yashy chooses to throw don’t have some kind of an effect on her much later.

That completes this chapter. Daisy doesn’t have much of an impact in Unfit for Education, appearing more to just be a participant in Sue’s obsessive thoughts game. But she gets a larger role to play in the following chapter; Burden of Parenthood. 

This chapter has the kids going through sex ed. and being given the responsibility of raising a robotic baby, which they will be graded on based on their performance. This chapter starts off quite unexpectedly, as when the teacher begins pairing off the students, Yashy’s expectations that Michael and Lucy will be paired together, doesn’t actually happen for a change.

This time, Daisy is paired up with Mike, and Lucy is paired up with Paulo.

As you could guess, Yashy isn’t thrilled in the least bit. But neither is Lucy particularly when she spots Paulo pleased at the results himself.

Again I still don’t think Yashy’s abuse is really doing much for Daisy, I can’t help but wonder what that will do for her self-esteem?

Oh, I bet she’ll be fine, she’s like a Daisy, remember?

It’s during lunch we find Daisy is positively happy with the result when she confronts Mike with their baby. Although there’s just one problem. The baby is a glaring defect, a very...interesting feature about it that has Mike freaking out.

And he’s not playing ball because of it. Even Lucy is having a hard time with the baby’s smile.

But Daisy, Daisy couldn’t care; it’s Mike’s child.

The Daisy x Mike compatibility really doesn’t take off as Mike wants absolutely nothing to do with the newly-named Alegria, which Daisy is quick to point out after keenly watching a maternally-skilled Lucy teach a very clumsy Paulo how to properly hold a child, something she learned when raising Yashy. Daisy is by all means entranced by the romantic exchange.

But where’s hers?

Trying to get Mike jealous by thrusting her baby in Paulo’s arms, and Paulo taking to the baby. Mike sees his chance and gets Lucy to ditch the two and work as a team again.

There is a momentary issue when the teacher discovers the pairs do not have their correctly assigned baby, and through a quick suggestion they were giving a realistic portrayal of divorce and custody, get extra marks on their assignments.

You’d think Daisy would be quite depressed with her chance to work with Mike not going the way she planned and the opportunity going out the window. But to receive additional credit on their work, she’s actually more than ecstatic at the results!

It’s fine, there’ll be more chances. There’s still 4 more years of school!

And in the meantime, Daisy x Paulo was born. One would have to wonder if it would bear fruits.

...Nah.

Daisy has a role to play in the next chapter; Prom Preparation. She’s tasked with organising the 8th grade prom.

The first order of the day is to survey the music selection for the evening, starting with genres. Daisy gets ideas from a number of the students, almost forgetting she hadn’t asked Mike yet.

Apparently Mike doesn’t have a favourite genre of music that comes to mind. Not being a fan of new music, Daisy fills the gap and suggests he’s into much older stuff which she tries to bond over, infuriating Yashy. 

When Daisy asks Lucy for her favourite music genre. Lucy wonders why she should bother since she’s not planning on going. . .

Leaving Mikie easy pickings for the evening. Daisy sees her chance for a bit of romance that evening, and Yashy is not at all pleased about this.

It’s worth talking about Yashy at this point, as even though we’re technically focusing on Daisy, there’s something we might be able to gain from both Yashy and Lucy that might give more insight into Daisy and Lucy’s relationship. You might notice, (2021 -- Especially in the Webtoons version), during each outburst by Yashy we can see Lucy blushing as her child unleashes hell upon Daisy, and we’d have to wonder why that is, because Lucy doesn’t seem to be initially the kind of person to care too much about anything going on around them, right?

But what if Yashy was this mouthpiece of Lucy’s impulsive thoughts that she doesn’t act on, and that’s why Lucy appears to blush from embarrassment? Yashy’s impulses are not something she’s able to control, only her own through her own inhibitions. Later in the story we start seeing hints that Lucy’s stonewall-straight faced demeanour is very much a facade and she’s actually quite sensitive, but when she’s fighting her emotions inside and she doesn’t have the answer, a blank expression is all you get so she can’t be hurt in one way or another.

But having been raised by Lucy, we could assume that Yashy is very much Lucy’s child and we can expect that having been raised by Lucy, much like every other kid out there, sometimes kids pick up traits from their parents.

(2021 -- The problem of Yashy’s language was also bought up in the more recent chapter, Dinner time, when Lucy’s mum points this out as Lucy and Jordan are fighting. While the person who was called out for this was Jordan. Can’t help but think that despite Jordan pointing out something embarrassing about why Mike might not be over more, Lucy is instead more blushing over the problem with Yashy, as Yashy is still embarrassed at being called out over it too. It’s hard to imagine the problem is just Jordan as Lucy has quite opinionated language as well, and lastly, because Yashy spends more of her time with her. There’s just an awful lot of body language going on in that scene and it’s hard to tell.)

Yashy is quite innocent in the story as she is one of the fewer characters who meets with rejection and doesn’t undergo the same hardships that Lucy underwent in her youth, so where this language and outspokenness has come from, you’d have to wonder if it’s just a quirk, or something deeper at this stage. Like as if Yashy is actually Lucy without the inhibitions.

Daisy doesn’t back down from Yashy when the golden opportunity arises even despite the name-calling. It’s when Mike believes both girls are fighting over him for Lucy to set the record straight -- she isn’t; Yashy and Daisy were and makes a point out of it. This causes Mike to walk off embarrassed since Lucy doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. It’s only a little later towards the end when Daisy is turned down along with several other girls who learn of Mike’s availability. That ends that chapter. No romance for Daisy.

The next chapter is Helping hands, this chapter stars Daisy and Paulo who appear to have become closer friends since their pairing together in Burden of Parenthood. The chapter begins with Daisy and Paulo walking through the street, with Daisy talking about how Katie had a sleep-over the previous weekend but wasn’t invited, she was sure she must have misplaced it.

Though why missing out on Katie’s sleepover is the highlight of Daisy’s weekend is anyone’s best guess, right?

Daisy screams out suddenly as she points out an injured bird on the road, appearing heartbroken at the events. Paulo points out an arriving car that is about to put it out of its misery causing Daisy to become further distraught by this. At the very last minute, Paulo saves the bird, almost putting his own life in danger.

Expecting her to be elated, Daisy is not at all pleased in Paulo’s recklessness and scolds him, before being otherwise thankful he did it to save the bird.

But the next question is, now what?

With a hospital being too far away, Daisy suggests instead to take it to Lucy’s house as a last resort. Bringing up Paulo’s crush however, garners a reaction from Paulo that, well. . . Daisy’s not to pleased at seeing.

Oh, we’re going to see more of that. 

Daisy thinks about whether or not Lucy would end up adopting the bird as she has quite a number of pets herself. Daisy would herself although her mother wouldn’t allow it.

Suggesting Paulo could with how well Paulo did at looking after Alegria, Paulo finds the talk far too embarrassing for his ever-masculine personality. Daisy tries to persuade him that girls are into boys who can be shown to have a caring attitude. Sadly, Paulo thinks he’s already at this level.

Oh, how Paulo x Daisy is teased so.

The weather starts to take a turn for the worst and threatens to rain down much to Daisy’s horror, as we learn something interesting about how her fur reacts to the rain. Paulo tries not not to give this away but Daisy then realises and starts showing how self conscious she is about her fur, a fact we learn more of in an intermission, where Daisy spends quite a number of hours brushing it down. When Daisy asks whether he’s grossed out by her curls, he avoids the question by telling them they have to hurry, or the bird won’t make it!

Unfortunately for Daisy, Paulo isn’t the last person when they arrive at Lucy’s house. Leaving the bird in her care, Daisy immediately runs into the bathroom only to run into Mike, it’s an absolute nightmare scenario.

Feeling devastated, Paulo comes in with some saving words and tells her if Mike was really worth her time, he’d wouldn’t care no matter how she looked. Which does wonders for her esteem.

Lucy arrives down shortly thereafter and lets the two know the bird will make it, having only been attacked by another creature and not so much struck by a car. Lucy will nurse it until its better, much to the joy of Daisy and Paulo.

At that point, the conversation switches as that matter is taken care of. Noticing that Mike is at Lucy’s house studying with her. Daisy tries to invite herself to stay over and help out too.

It turns out, simply asking means you’re outstaying your hospitality.

Yeah, they’re not really tight friends are they?

On the Monday, Daisy and Paulo ask Lucy about the bird, first mistaking what Lucy says meaning that the bird passed away, it healed over the weekend and left the following day.

But not before giving them a gift.

After all, they’d need it for their baby. The bird seems to think they’d make a good couple. Ah, PauloxDaisy again. If only they both felt that way about each other.

Daisy appears in show and tell, in this chapter we are introduced to the specific breeds the characters are.

Naturally, Yashy is not at all pleased about Daisy when she arrives.

When it comes to Daisy’s turn, we find she’s Selkirk Rex cross Ragamuffin.

Which would explain a lot of Daisy’s features, Selkirk and Ragamuffins are both very people-oriented and akin to Teddy Bears. Both breeds can get along with nearly everybody.

And, well that’s true for Daisy.

Daisy appears in Pep Rally, a chapter focusing on the sports carnival. Daisy appears as one of the school’s cheerleaders next to Amaya, Stacy, and her rival, Katie, who is not at all happy that she’s not the captain. Daisy is not about to give up being the center of attention.

This chapter has more to do with Mike’s super sensitive hearing than anything else. Even so, Daisy is more than capable of being able to amp up the crowd, especially when Mike lands a win.

Daisy appears in the next chapter ‘Off to the Movies’, when Mike invites Lucy to the movies, only for Paulo, David and Daisy to show up at the same time and suggest they all go see a movie together (Lucy reluctantly agreeing). When it comes to selecting their preferences for movies, Daisy goes for the mushiest movie that’s available. Paulo and David wanting horror, Mike wanting comedy and Lucy. . .well, she wants to see a love story. It seems like they all can’t decide, but Lucy chooses the jack of all trades movie as a compromise; the ‘epic suspensful, romance thriller with lots of jokes’.

Win-win, right?

Daisy’s in heaven when the seating arrangements are chosen, right next to her crush, she couldn’t be more optimistic.

A number of things happen during the movie, but nothing got by Daisy when the movie ends as she notices Paulo on the brink of tears following its conclusion. Daisy offers to forget that she ever saw it, on the condition he explains his phobia to barking, something else that happened earlier when Paulo tried to steal David’s popcorn. 

Predictably, Paulo is far too masculine to talk about his feelings.

Eventually Paulo balks to the peer pressure (from Daisy) and explains what happened. When the others make fun of Paulo over it, Daisy leaps to his defense and tells them off. There’s a lovely moment between the two as Daisy reassures Paulo that she appreciates his forwardness and openness to the things that bothers him. And Paulo decides to talk about everything.

The PauloxDaisy content just keeps coming.

But it’ll never work. I--I swear it won’t.

By the very end, the kids all say their farewells to each other and go their separate ways.

Daisy appears in the next chapter ‘Puppy Love’. Mike finds a love letter in his locker from a secret admirer (It’s Stacy). Mike chastises Lucy who finds the whole thing hilarious and reads the poem aloud. Mike wants to find the person responsible. Suddenly, and out from nowhere, Daisy appears suggesting they do some detective work, all in the name of romance. But Mike reveals he just simply wants to reject them.

With much similarity to Prom Night, this chapter is more to point out with how much of the school has an interest in dating Mike. It’s not just Daisy, but also Sue, Amaya, Katie, those three random girls. The only exception is dear old Lucy. 

The next chapter is Confrontation. This chapter opens with Mike and Lucy doing what they do best when something unfortunate happens; they argue, with Lucy blaming Mike for having them miss their stop. Daisy begs Paulo to get them to stop, and they do, albiet, for a short few seconds before they start arguing again.

With no sign of it ending, Daisy and Paulo day-dream of a better alternate reality where they both get their desires. Mike and Lucy are just awful for each other. Things would work out better if it was just Mike and Daisy, and Paulo and Lucy, Just think of the romance. What could go wrong?

The kids get off at the next station which unfortunately for them turns out to be a bad idea as they end up in the roughest neighbourhood a few towns over from Roseville. With Lucy suggesting they find a phone to call their parents, they go out in search of an open store. With Mike and Lucy still at each other’s throats, Daisy tries to take advantage of the situtation by suggesting that Mike could in fact stay over at her place seeing as how late it was, especially if his house is a bit too far. hoping that Lucy having been quite bitter to him will cause him to think about coming around to her advances. But Mike rejects her advance. When Daisy becomes fed up enough to suggest he’d go to Lucy’s house despite their fighting, he agrees it likely would happen, frustrating her even more.

She loses her temper, exploding about Mike and Lucy’s friendship being just horrible and suggests any investment would never be returns. Prompting a reaction from Mike for a short moment, until Mike twists that around and tells her to stop chasing the same stupid feelings, walking ahead and leaving Daisy to sulk to herself.

She’s joined shortly after when Paulo’s escapade in trying to woo Lucy goes as well as anyone would expect. Daisy, frustrated in how Mike always seems to show some compromise with Lucy, argues with him over his bad taste in women too.

Daisy’s thorns are on full display here as she starts to openly show her resentment towards Lucy who has it all so easy with both Paulo and Mike due to her looks. Daisy’s frustrated that despite her best efforts to be more appealing in every other way; Lucy has the looks, and that’s all that matters.

With Daisy being too frustrated from being inhibited from displaying this side of her, it’s clear neither she nor Lucy are good friends at all. Daisy has shown such a low opinion of her because of her attitude, knowing full well that often times Mike gets beaten up by her. Lucy’s aloofness could be confused with disinterest and both of them suggest that Lucy wouldn’t really care if either of them suddenly caught alight.

But Mike overhears this thanks to his superhearing and tells them there’s more to her than what they know. But neither of them take the comment seriously.

Lucy also overhears, and is a little distraught at how the others think of her.

The kids find a bar and Sue manages to call ther mother to come pick them up. Problems arise when Mike takes on a dare to eat as many liqueur chocolates from a stranger, and is quite positively drunk out of his mind. Lucy comments on this having watched on and Daisy chastises her for letting him do it.

She might have wished she had done something about it, as Mike is all over her, uninhibited from telling her how he feels about her looks.

And that does nothing for Daisy who sucks at all the attention Lucy’s getting. The world’s just unfair.

Though, Mike notices Daisy’s state, and goes over to give her attention too. What would be a dream for Daisy is sadly shortlived, as Mike’s attention switches to ice-cream truck music, and suddenly takes off towards it.

The kids are find themselves backed into an alley, as the stranger who Mike took the bet from comes to get his money back. 

The ordeal is quite terrifying to Daisy. Paulo tries to defend her. But he gets a little too in over his head, not realising these two were the people who created his phobia of barking .

When Paulo is kicked aside, Daisy goes to him and asks if he knows the two. But Paulo doesn’t recognise them.

Not considering herself a fighter, Daisy is only able to come to her friends’ comfort as each one is assaulted one by one. Paulo first, then Sue when she cops an arm to the nose.

She can only watch when Mike tries to defend them, actually having some martial arts experience, but being too drunk to be effective.

And finally Lucy, as capable as she was finds herself unable to fend off Alejandro. Daisy calls out, but Lucy tells her to be quiet, or to hide as Lucy bears the brunt of the assault.

Mike regains consciousness at the very last moment and saves her before both team up in a last stand against Alejandro. Alejandro realises he’s bitten off more than he can chew and runs away. Daisy watches on as Lucy breaks down having realised how close they all were to having someone lose their life.

Sue’s mother arrives and all the kids are on their way back to Roseville. Paulo can’t help but notice that Daisy is really in the dumps over the night. Lucy did something completely unexpected in coming to their aid at the last minute  — the ever uncaring Lucy put herself on the line so no one else would get hurt. And she feels awful knowing she was wrong  — about Lucy and what she said about her to Mike.

Paulo tries to reassure her that Mike probably doesn’t remember what she said, and that turns out to be true as Mike is willing to accept her apology the next day.

Things are back to normal it seems, luckily for Daisy. 

Or are they?

-

I figure we’ll stop here and resume next week. Look at that! We covered 12 chapters of 127! There’s a lot more of Daisy to come!

[quarantingz]

oop mind dump(!), half-baked thoughts (!), usual confusion(!), being busy(!), efficiency(!), procrastination(!) & none of the above(!)

enjoy :))

[written on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post 2.0 on] 8 april, wednesday

[finally posted, after much procrastination and probably just laziness, on] 9 april, thursday

Hi there!

With a lack of a profound statement to start off this entry, I’ll just say this…my mind is as scattered and non-sensical as ever! What’s new?

Second coffee in, I’m thinking about, as the title suggests, a lot of things (with as much caffeinated enthusiasm as it suggests)! I definitely didn’t think I was going to be writing a post today because I thought yesterday’s entry [monday’s] was heavy enough that I could simmer and ponder over it for a while longer. But I guess, as things go, and because I naturally must write things down, I need to write everything that’s going on in my head right now - before I forget, but also so I can pRoCeSs it :)

I will definitely not get through everything I think I want to write about in this one post, and for the sake of keeping it short and still somewhat legible and engaging, I will try my best. Maybe I will do a part two (??). Hmmm maybe I won’t haha. We’ll see how this goes.

Here we go…enjoy…

So as I was swinging my arms and getting a good stretch of the legs on our family “night” walk yesterday, Tali asked me, “did you have a good day today?”. It was a simple question and one I always answer with a “yeah kinda, did a few things, wish I did more, but tomorrow will be better!”. I like looking on the bright side, but it really got me thinking about what it means to be busy and how society has placed a lot of emphasis on it currently.

I recently read an article on It’s Nice That called, “You are More than Your Output”, which was an interesting read on this idea of “busyness”, the pressures on what we do for a living, self-definition from this and our relationship with work. Oosh, it was confronting and I definitely needed to discuss this with someone further. So of course I decided to send it to Gwen, Cullz and Paulz (there’s something so comforting and encouraging to know that I have people in my life who creatively challenge and most importantly, understand my journey as a creative, post-graduation).

Twas good discussions and what they said was so so good (got my brain juices flowing for sure), but I want to briefly touch on this topic and my thoughts about this…I love being busy, in fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I thrive off being busy. As bizarre as it sounds, I’m almost like an adrenaline junkie who gets off of busy schedules and long lists of TO-DOs. I like to ambitiously jam-pack my day with the most things I can do and “tick off” in ONE day. Sounds overwhelming and you’re probably thinking I’ll burn out eventually and I won’t always like this once I have a full-time job. But for now, I like that feeling. It makes me be and feel productive. And although I regularly remind my friends to take a break and relax in order to rejuvenate, I can’t seem to take this advice myself. I constantly feel like I’ve drunk five cups of coffee within 20 minutes, so my heart usually feels like it’s going to beat its way out of my chest, and my mind is so full, it’s almost incomprehensible and confusing.

Anyway, back to productivity…this feeling is probably the reason why I struggle with self-love a lot - if I’m not achieving everything on my list, I’m not being productive enough, it is not a “good day” and I’m not…“succeeding” in life. Which again, is all about MINDSET, people!

Yes, everything does comes with balance, prioritising and re-evaluating what’s the most important things in life at any given time. Sorry, but I feel like this entry will just raise more questions and half-baked thoughts (ha, managed to tick that off the list!), than actually solving anything.

I guess what I want to touch on here, is not so much on the debate about whether you should be busy or not, it’s more about dismantling these personal-constructs that we have in our minds…

Ahhh, another topic to elaborate on (solely) for another time I guess (…??).

*** SIDE-NOTE (COZ WE LOVE A SIDE-NOTE) ***

Right now [tuesday, 2.40pm], my eldest sister sits on the La-Z-Boy, rocking back and forth trying to write a new idea for a new script. My dad too, sits facing the same way as her towards the ranch slider and garden, bowl of sweet mung bean soup in hand, relaxing in a foldable picnic chair for his “break”. I can’t help but smile at this scene and feel very happy and content in where I am right now. It also makes me chuckle at the contrast of their peaceful reflections with my scattered mind and furious typing. My frantic fingers almost echo in the quiet space that is my living room. I like this. I had only wanted to write one word down for this entry before I forgot it (then finish this piece tomorrow, when I felt like it), but here I am having written over one page long. I’m also not listening to music, which is rare for me as I like dwelling in the emotions and vibe of the music while I write - it helps me as you know by now. But in this moment, it’s just Tema, my dad, me, my typing and my silent scattered thoughts.

*** END OF SIDE-NOTE (ACTUALLY A SMALL APPRECIATIVE-NOTE) ***

Back to the point…the mere act of typing furiously on my keyboard (ooh links!) actually makes me feel busy and definitely makes me look busy. When someone says, “oh Alyssa, you’re always so busy�� or “bro, when are YOU free?”, it kind of makes me feel good - that I’m somehow “succeeding” in life because I actually have things to do. But isn’t it all superficial and just an appearance? Because in my mind, I’m not achieving as much as I want to do within a day or week. Anyway, maybe that’s why a lot of people, even myself, give into this idea of busyness - because we’re fed this belief that to be “successful”, means that we not only occupy ourselves to the max, but we look the part too. That’s apparent in any bustling city, like Auckland, or London and Paris. People are constantly moving and doing things. These cities never sleep and apparently that idea means those cities and people are thriving and being “successful”.

I guess another aspect I want to discuss is the idea of efficiency. For some reason, that word is so mockable, but maybe that’s just because my boyfriend uses that word excessively and I like to laugh at him (because he’s silly, not because I’m a bully, woah, CHILL). So to be busy, and therefore “successful” is also associated with being efficient. Which also relates to B, who applies lip balm VERY STRANGELY, but efficiently…he applies it by swiping the stick across his top and bottom lip at the same time, followed by a giddy “EFFICIENCY G!” EVERY. TIME. This is quite like the idea of “killing two birds with one stone”. The idea of doing the most you can and preferably at the same time in order to optimise time. It also links with the saying, “time is of the essence”. Because we have such a limited time on Earth, people feel like they have to fill everyday and every waking hour doing something - or else we feel unproductive and ultimately a “failure”. I’m not saying everyone feels like this (I do), or that efficiency is stupid and entirely negative. I think it’s entirely individual and lies within our perceptions of the things we actually do and hope to do. Everything is relative (??).

Which brings me to the subject of procrastination. For example, in the span it has taken me to write this blog post, I’ve made myself a bowl of plain porridge for my late 2pm lunch (oop photo reference - twas really nice actually), a toastie with salami, sweet thai chilli sauce, harissa sauce and a lot of pepper (odd mix I know), which I had at 4pm, but now consider as my dinner coz now I’m stuffeddddd. I’ve also made hummus (which I think I want to write about next - there’s a metaphor in there that I want to exploit lol) for the fam, folded all of the whites and made the cinnamon apple filling for Tema and I’s mini pies. Talk about procrastination…see here, maybe this isn’t “procrastination”!

The issue lies in how we prioritise and give importance to certain things in our life. And in this case, I’m still being “busy”, but my perception of what I’ve done is that these are menial tasks - they are of lesser importance and priority compared to other things on my to-do list. Again, it is all relative. This comparison between certain things we do is what makes us fall into this trap of self-punishment and “failure” (again, maybe it’s just me). So when we do the thing that seems less important, we consequently feel unproductive . But I had been meaning to make hummus since last week, and I intended to eat lunch at 12.30pm, but got too busy looking through some design concepts for my friend, AND I was meant to fold the whites so my dad could have a clean set of singlets for this week. And lol, I wanted to make pie filling because we all craved something sweet (can’t we just do things just coz?). Looking over these, all of them are important! But why do we prioritise our jobs as so and essentially, degrade our life choices??!

Okay, I think I’m going to wrap this up because there’s no point to this entry anymore. But it was interesting to type out all these random thoughts and somehow try to weave them together. But as always, this is just a ramble. You're confused, I’m confused, we’re ALL confused.

(Or maybe I wanted to see whether you could keep up with my 100 mph train of thoughts hehe)

So to tie everything up in a big, definitely-not-an-indecisive-red-or-maybe-blue-nah-feelin-green-now-BOW…be busy, don’t be busy. Procrastinate, don’t procrastinate. BUT, be kinder to yourself. You don’t have to be busy nor productive - give yourself some slack, you’re doing the best you can! So practice SeLf-LoVe.

You owe yourself thatttt much :)

p.s. I think this post was more me procrastinating about writing and posting, because clearly, I took my time procrastinating and eventually posting three days later than when I first wrote this.

Anyway, have a great day y’all (productive or busy or none of the above)!

- a

[aliwept]

WARNING :     MASSIVE TOKOYAMI HC DUMP AHEAD !  part one of ..... many sldkfjds i gotta transfer a lot from old blogs

triggers:  body talk,  religions mentions,  mentions of binding, self hatred and transitioning.

BELIEFS / MOTIVATION:

tokoyami looks at becoming a hero the “wrong” way — or rather, in a way that cripples his success.he doesn’t want to become a hero in and of itself, but to help as many people as he can.

this is usually a good thing, but it is motivated by his extreme guilt and self doubt rather than pure desire, believing that that is the only way to pay for his “sins.” (i.e., the destruction or potential destruction his quirk as/could cause(d).)

he holds himself up to an extremely high standard, (it is impossible to have a totally “pure” motivation,) one of being perfect and disciplined in every way, but he consistently fails to reach that (as any human being would), making it so that he falls deeper into a circle of self-doubt and pity.

he also tends to idealize his friends for their faults, and when those difficult traits show up he gets extremely bothered, then angry at himself for his idealization, then angry for bothering them, & it escalates until he’s simply angry at himself for being what he believes to be a burden.

this is an extremely deeply rooted process, one that even daily actions contribute to, & while the source isn’t completely his parents, it is certainly reinforced by his mother’s abuse & his guilt relating to his father’s death.

PHYSICAL:

he’s not particularly muscled — well, compared to his more muscular classmates. most of his muscle is in his legs & stomach. he does not have a particular training regimen, typically unmotivated unless prompted.

unlike the majority of his classmates, because a lot of his fighting is done with dark shadow moving him (so that it’s harder to predict movements, as well as going from a large range), the majority of the time he’s not challenged physically.

against close attacks, both attacking which he uses his sword for (seen in his dorm room), when allowed. he inherited that sword from his father after his death. he also feels fatigue easily, not so much due to muscles but because of his exhaustion that is his “normal” state, given that dark shadow is nocturnal. (this & his low work ethic. he works a lot harder when training with friends.)

he doesn’t feel the need to bind more than not, given his skinny physique, with his hips being only a little bit wider than the average cis man’s.most of his scars are on his arms, self inflicted from his talons cutting into his skin. parts of his skin are covered in a gel like skin, clear to see the feathers that poke out from them, going much like arm hair down his sides. these are mostly around his shoulders.

most of the feather is underneath skin (though the skin & the feather both have no nerves), visible with the skin being mostly clear (no muscles adding color, only the natural dark pigment) with the rest of the feaher poking out at a low angle to his arm.

HABITS:

he has a diary that he writes in religiously. it’s kept in a hat box under his bed when he returns to the dorm, along with a collection he’s had since he had been able to write.

at times, in nostalgia, he’ll read through his earlier books. he also tends to doodle his classmates in them ! he’s an incredibly private person — especially because his mother ignored his privacy, refusing to let him keep secrets of any kind in ‘fear that he was hiding something’ — but also enjoys putting his thoughts into words.         

PAST:               

tokoyami was bullied due to his appearance / personality. for someone who was already uncomfortable with his body (not knowing what being trans was at that point) this became the root of deep insecurity regarding his appearance, whether it was as simple as hesitation.

he is autistic !! he stims a lot with his hands, though usually it’s in his hoodie / under his cloak, because he’s very self conscious about it.  he also has adhd: inattentive type, bpd, depression & anxiety!

fantasy verse:  he’s a witch & i will fight you on this fact. my boy loves the occult. he’s also. in generally he tends to be superstitious, & more than that enjoys different rituals! it probably won’t show up in my rp cause i honestly don’t know much about that type of thing but ! he absolutely adores things like that, not necessarily because he fully believes them but because they’re interesting & he believes that they probably stem if only in part from fact.

now im gonna add some notes here.  while he is obviously pretty strong,  he has problems with control, considering that not only does he have to react, he has to communicate those thoughts with dark shadow. speed / offense / defense obviously are enhanced w dark shadow, as well as his own abilities (he would still be able to hold his own if he couldn’t use his quirk).

as well, a lot of his stats are basically his stats + dark shadow, which obv makes them higher than they otherwise would be. he also has really high stamina and working out for a long time doesn’t really. make him tired, nor dark shadow, because dark shadow doesn’t get tired & he’s not the one doing a lot of the actual physical stuff. he’s not good w weapons tho in general. note that these are basically during the daytime w/o a huge light source so things change when it’s darker/lighter.

parents:   tokoyami’s mother had the ability to call spirits of the dead to her and talk to them, & his father’s was to house things, as in objects, so he cld like. store things inside of his body. it’s real wild.

a quirk that combined with another in tokoyami’s lineage, so one of his ancestors had the ability to shapeshift, specifically with birds & banged w someone who has a quirk similar to aizawa’s, where it basically ‘stills’ the action of .someone’s quirk, if that makes sense? so down the line people wld inherit a birds’ features, but it would switch. in his dad’s case, he got a raptors ‘arms’ & eyes.

i am here to inform you that not only is he really short, he’s also chubby! espcially as a child. while he now has muscle! :tm: ive made earlier posts about how he doesn’t have a good. regimen & shit so. yeah. just like deku, while he may be muscled, (though he’s less muscled than. most of his classmates) he still is v chubby on other parts of his body.

also ! he’s trans & he has. a large bust, which he does not bind most of the time due to fear of asphyxiation. being demiboy, he is bothered at it at times, but dislikes tight clothes as a whole (like binders). this is because he is easily overstimulated by excessive contact with his body, causing sensory overload.the exception is his neck, which his choker is a source of comfort. (though, warning, there are scars underneath that the large choker hides!)

tokoyami. will say/do something & then become embarrassed by it, after the act has already been done. he’ll fuckin melt on the spot.

tokoyami is absolutely someone to leave ppl on read. or respond w several paragraphs w ‘K.’ like. that’s just how it is. he’s lowkey an asshole in that way but he just. he has to think a lot before having a response but he gets distracted & just leaves it.

he has dark fucking brown skin !!!!! people who draw tokoyami w light skin cause he’s a ‘pale goth uwu !!!!’ are weak & will be weeded out by natural selection.

people he trains with most are ,,,  mostly kirishima, kaminari, aoyama and momo when they’re available

he’s mix of japanese, native american, and indian!

self knowledge questions:  neediness, independence, shyness.

NEEDINESS: being affirmed & nurtured by others is a central requirement for you to feel safe. this means you can be slow to warm up to other people, which is difficult because what you most need from them is their warmth. yet you know how to be vulnerable: to let down your defenses and accept that you need another person. this lack of pretense is a valuable trait, and ultimately more endearing than the macho efforts others make to deny their childlike sides.

INDEPENDENCE: you don’t set out to be different for its own sake; you are more easily guided by what interests & moves you. you are more concerned about what is right for you than about the pressure to fit in. you know the value of selective irresponsibility, of forgetting occasionally about being ‘good’.

SHYNESS: part of you is gripped by the fear that you’ll launch into something and completely mess it up. the upside of this is wise caution: people are indeed often too rash, whereas you know, by instinct, that holding back can save you. probably, you feel shame and self-disgust a bit too much. but when you do feel in your element, you act with a wisdom and sensitivity never found in people with thicker skins.

there’s an au where he’s tamaki’s half brother tamakis hmu

more ramblings cause i lov him so anw. i figure that like. if he had to have a motivator it would be an outside force but basically he’s riding on the fact that he has more physical ability because he doesn’t perform very well in studies. ( bird brain …… )

getting 14th place out of the class on midterms, he’s aware that he’s not motivated & as well as his migraines & other mental illnesses ( adhd, executive dysfunction, etc. ) this means that he doesn’t really reach his “full potential.”

he’s aware of this, though, which causes him to train physically. physically training also allows him to ( a ) feel proud of himself, something that he struggles with ( b ) help him generally, esp with dysphoria ( c ) get his mind off of other things / points of stress.

i still don’t think he’s like. as buff as shouji for example, though part of that is that he’s naturally lean ! & he has trouble motivating himself sometimes but when he stays up late ( due to dark shadow ) it basically wrecks his sleeping patterns, so this gives him something beneficial to do while also exhausting himself, which he hopes will help him fall asleep.

like i know that i said that . . he was skinny / not v muscled ( when compared to his buffer classmates, rather ) but i guess i’ve been proven wrong because it took both Buff McFuck mina and hagakure 2 push him out of the way ( not tht it took that long but that was w them straining / time skips )

so @ this point i Just Don’t Know. he got 9 in the practical which means he’s obv like ?? p good but that was the entrance exam. ( he got 10 rescue my baby !!!! im so proud of him ) & then w aizawa’s exams he started off at 5 & im tryna find the other thing what it ended up as but @ this point i’m just , pretty divided cause i’m not seeing much reason for him to learn to train w/o proper training ( & we kno that he’s not someone who was trained specially like todoroki / momo tho tht doesnt mean it’s not possible & at this point im just ) ya. he’s gotta be able but from what we know he’s not v motivated ? ausdjkfdsfjk we’ll see ig.

tokoyami is a mix of shinto (where his hero epithet comes from), taoist (due to the values), & hindu (again, values). i think for now it’s going to be some mix of that, though i’m going to do some research on shinto values since i don’t know much about it !!!!!

generally, he’s pretty superstitious, just because he knows many myths are based on facts, & the idea of ‘it doesn’t hurt to watch out for them.’ he prefers to avoid possible things that would make him have bad luck.

[thecaffeinebookwarrior]

How to Avoid Purple Prose:  An Illustrated Guide

Okay, everyone!  I’ve taken some time off from answering questions because I wasn’t feeling well last week, but now I’m back and ready to inflict you all with more of my terrible advice. 

@worryinglyinnocent asked:

Hello there! I've just discovered this blog and I'm loving the tips! Do you have any advice for someone who has a horrible habit towards purple prose? I don't think I'm 'depthless cerulean orbs' bad, but I never use two words when I can use half a page, especially when describing characters' thoughts and feelings.

Great question!  I think we’ve all had a phase in which the majority of what we produced was purple prose, and considering there have been hugely successful authors (I’m not naming any names here, but I know you all thought of one) who flourished on the stuff, it’s not the worst thing you can do.

However, since we all care about our craft here, here is my personal advice on how to improve your writing! 

1.  Remember that simple can be beautiful.

“Translucent water trickled cleanly over dark gray stones and flickering ribbons of underwater plants.  The setting sun turned the surrounding field flaxen, dying the clouds a melancholy shade of amber.  The wind whispered through the lush fall trees, making them rustle like crisp paper.”

Used very sparingly, a sentence like this is okay, especially if the point of the point of the scene is to introduce the reader to a place that will be important to the plot or represent a mood.  

If there’s one every other page, you have a problem.  

“But Brooksie,” you, my Hypothetical Counterargument, cry.  “If I can’t use that many words to describe the scene every time, how will the audience know how to envision it!?”

Good question, Hypothetical Counterargument!  And as it just so happens, your audience is smart.  They don’t need the scene to be spoon-fed to them in order to envision the scene.

In fact, the scene will often be a lot richer to them if you leave a little to the imagination.  

So next time you want to set a scene like the one above, try something like:

“The stream trickled crisply over gray rocks, and the setting sun dyed the surrounding forest a melancholy shade of amber.” 

And you’re done.

Similarly, the same goes for describing a character’s thoughts and feelings.  Lets say your protagonist is going through gut-wrenching loss/betrayal/just got dumped.   

You may think using dramatic language will better convey what you’re character is feeling, right?  Wrong.  

When conveying grief and trauma, less is more.  Don’t say, “In the days that followed Cassandra was was wracked with agony, every waking second brimming with more pain than she ever thought imaginable.”   

Say, “In the days that followed, Cassandra felt hollow.”

Yes, that’s really usually all you need.  Cassandra’s actions and words will take care of the rest, so move on with your story.  

Which brings me to my next point:

2.  When it comes to descriptions, respect your reader’s time.

When a character is going to be of importance to the plot, you probably (i.e. not always) want the reader to get a good sense of what they look.

So within your first chapter, when they’re introduced, you say, “So-And-So had wide, doe-like brown eyes and thick honey-colored curls.  Their face was heart-shaped and smattered with multi-colored freckles.” 

Great!  I like So-And-So already, they sound adorable.  

What isn’t great is if you repeat this description fifty different times throughout the novel (yes, even if you’re using different words.)

This may come as a surprise to writers, but the physical appearance of characters alone isn’t what enamors them to readers, and stressing it over and over will not help them make a better impression or make the reader like them more.

I just finished an amazing book called Ocean At the End of the Lane, for example, in which the antagonist (an abusive nanny/secret eldritch horror/long-term resident of Bitch Island named Ursula) is described in great detail:  she’s beautiful, she has lovely makeup, she wears nice pleated skirts, et cetera.  And in case you can’t tell already, I fucking hated Ursula.  

Granted, since she goads the then seven-year-old protagonist’s (adulterous asshat) father into nearly drowning him in the bathtub, I’m pretty sure we’re intended to hate Ursula, but the fact remains that the excessive descriptions of Ursula’s physical beauty did nothing to stop me from hating her guts. 

The physical appearance of the unnamed protagonist and narrator, on the other hand, was never described at all.  We have no idea what he looks like -- just that in his adulthood, he resembles his father (who also isn’t described in detail) and is currently wearing a suit.    

Yet the narrator doesn’t fail to create a lasting impression, because his voice, his personality, his character traits were developed and memorable.

So feel free to describe your characters.  Just do so sparingly, and focus on developing their personalities more than their physical attributes. 

3.  Don’t write to impress your audience.

Every writer I know, myself included, wants to impress their audience.  There is no greater desire, and no greater feeling, than to leave them in awe, whether it be with your words, your characters, or the story itself.  

That said, your primary reason for writing cannot be to impress your audience, or you will, ironically, create shitty writing that very few people can actually enjoy.

In my humble experience, your audience can’t enjoy you’re writing unless they enjoy the journey that you’re taking them on.  And they can’t enjoy the journey you’re taking them on unless you’re enjoying it just as much as they are.

(I’m discounting Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, because he’s a freak of nature whose creation was an unwanted burden thrust upon him by the Gods.)

As the great Stephen King once put it, “When a good writer is having fun, the audience is almost always having fun, too.” 

So allow yourself to enjoy what you’re writing.  If a part of the book is dragging for you, chances are it will for the reader.  So skip it.  Rework the plot.  

Once you’re done you can always edit, but for now, write like nobody’s watching and enjoy the ride.

4.  Use your natural vocabulary.

Big words are beautiful, but the audience will be able to tell if you’re putting on heirs.  Whether your writing just wreaks of self-absorption and pomposity, or arguably even worse, when you’re just plain using the words wrong. 

When I was younger, for example, I used to use the word “admonished” liberally, thinking it meant “admitted.”  Spoiler alert:  it doesn’t.  It means “to warn or reprimand.”  

But I still love big words!!  “Sanctimonious.”  “Thrasonical.”  “Bombastic.”  “Quotidian.”  “Apropos.”  They’re fun to say, they’re fun to use, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t use them.  Just let them seep into your vocabulary naturally, and they will feel natural to the readers as well.

I expand my vocabulary by reading every day.  This wasn’t always the case, and I had to work through a bad case of reader’s block to get back to the point where I eat up books the way I do now.  But it’s worth it.  Joining sites like goodreads can also help, as it plays up the social aspects of reading and makes it just the right kind of competitive.

Similarly, newsletters like Merriam Webster’s Word of the Day are great for expanding your vocabulary in a fun and natural way.   

5.  Thesaurus isn’t evil (just use it selectively.)

That said, there are times when Thesaurus can come in handy.  

Sometimes, for example, the word your looking for simply isn’t in your conscious mind, and you have to go digging for an alternative.  That’s okay!  

Just make sure the word in question actually means what you think it means, and don’t make it your go-to tool for writing.  

As another example, I used Thesaurus a lot when I was writing from the point of view of a specific main character in my last novel, because he was a snobby, intellectual little shit who was a little too self-aware of how smart he was.  He had a tendency to swap “friends” for “casual compatriots,” “thinking out loud” for “verbal pontification,” et cetera, and generally sounded like he was reading off words from Thesaurus because that was the whole point.    

Basically, no rules are absolute;  just use your best judgement, and don’t be too dependent on tools like Thesaurus to choose your words for you.

I hope this helps, and happy writing! <3

[youdecode]

17 Best Advice for New College Students | College tips & tricks for success

Starting a college can be overwhelming. It is a whole new world!

Interestingly I used to think that once one enters the 20s , a carefree life welcomes you ahead.

I literally used to write this in my daily diary when I was 10 . . . but after having gone through college!

I realized that life was not as I thought . . . clearly not.

If you are dubious and wondering what to expect then this blog post has got you covered with all the essentials.

College is fun but not all fun!

There are certain things which if known before time then it serves the best. Let’s dig in:

Also Here Are Some Related Massively-Transformative Resources You Will Ever Need.

How to Wake up Early & How to get up Early?

How to Manage Time Wisely?

How to create an Action Plan?

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 1) First Semester Might Dump your expectations but . . .

 The first year classes may seem all over the place.

But they will get better and major specific with time.

They will not be as engaging as you might have thought them to be.

So just know that engaging classes will come ahead. Don’t get disappointed. 

#1 advice for new college students:

Just know that engaging classes will come ahead. Don’t get disappointed.

2) Planning early

 Remember to plan ahead. But do not get engaged with excessive planning. Just plan once in the starting.

I am not talking about everyday to do lists. I am referring to the semester plan.

You will have an academic year plan in your hand so set semester goals from the starting.

Get the most efficient way of achieving your goals through a proven productive system.

This is the best guide you will ever need in your career.

#2 advice for new college students: 

Get the most efficient way of achieving your goals through a proven productive system.

This is the best guide you will ever need in your career.

 3) Waking up early

Remember that in college you will lack motivation because nobody will be shouting in your ears for waking you up.

Yes, you do not have your mom close by.

Your professors simply do not care if you show up or not . . . you might get lucky if you get an awesome roommate who can be your alarm but that is not a popular case!

I will highly suggest you to make a productive timetable.

Your productivity depends on your routine.

We all have 24 hours but you can make most of them by investing in this guide for a successful life ahead.

#3 advice for new college students:

I will highly suggest you to make a productive timetable.

Your productivity depends on your routine.

We all have 24 hours but you can make most of them by investing in this guide for a successful life ahead.

 4) Studies & Fun run parallel

 Get pro at time management since the start.

Remember that time management does not mean to dig yourself into the studies every day. It is the act of balancing out.

If you are spending a day out then you need to balance the time spent for fun while staying up in the library the next day!

If you really want to get pro at time management and boost your productivity to an insane level then learn from the experts a full proof way of succeeding in life.

#4 advice for new college students:

If you really want to get pro at time management and boost your productivity to an insane level then learn from the experts a full proof way of succeeding in life. 

5) You can’t do it all so prioritize.

 I remember that when my college was starting out I had so much on my to-do list. I wanted to visit every galaxy!

I had aimed to join several clubs, lead a radio station and maintain grades etc.

After an overwhelming freshman year I realized that I sucked at prioritizing!

I learnt the hard way and affected my grades initially but i do not want you to do that.

Get a complete blueprint to make an efficient to-do list that actually works for your benefits.

Again I will advise you to learn from the experts because the harsh reality is that you can’t do it all. 

#5 advice for new college students:

Get a complete blueprint to make an efficient to-do list that actually works for your benefits.

Again I will advise you to learn from the experts because the harsh reality is that you can’t do it all. 

6) You will not get any special treatment

 Professors in college will fail to acknowledge you when it is about the special treatment.

Even if your scholarship will be on stake, they will care less.

Even if you are just failing by 0.5, professors will care less . . .

do not expect anything from them no matter how many warm smiles of appreciation they pass on your during the lectures!

#6 advice for new college students:

Do not expect anything from them no matter how many warm smiles of appreciation they pass on your during the lectures! 

 7) Who cares?

 If you are too self conscious then you need to realize that no one truly cares.

Yes, the world does not revolve around you so you need to stop being hard on yourself.

By no one cares I mean that I stop being afraid of what others will think.

People would not judge you, your dressing or your grades.

Because honestly speaking, everyone gets caught up in their own shit that they hardly get time.

Nobody also cares about your future. Thus, you have to get independent and make your life.

#7 advice for new college students:

Drill into your head that Nobody cares about your future. Thus, you have to get independent and make your life.

 8) Adulting is not what you just thought of

 With adulting comes all new responsibilities like bills and other payments.

#8 advice for new college students:

Own every task from day 1 to avoid the hassle later. 

 9) It is okay to be perfectly imperfect

 It is okay if you do not get perfect grades, perfect vision or perfect friends in the start.

#9 advice for new college students:

Know Things will take time. 

 10) Mission of making friends

 I have been growing up by listening that one can only make true friends only at school.

Have you also heard that college is not an ideal place to find true friendship?

Or that people are only your friends there for selfish reasons?

If yes, then let me counter this very fact by sharing my own experience.

You can get great friends in university. It might just take more time. But you will.

I miss my seniors . . . i am cherishing some great relations AND you can too. Just be kind and helpful . . .

#10 advice for new college students:

Know It requires a bit of effort to prove your sincerity in college and nothing else!

 11) Asking for help is alright

 Take help whenever you need one .

Trust me you will not get answers staring at the dorm ceiling!

#11 advice for new college students:

Remember If re-reading or revising is not helping then do not shy away from sorting your concepts instantly, as piled up stuff would not lead you anywhere.

12) Real Learning starts outside 

 Me and my friend were joking around the other day and discussing the education we were receiving in college.

#12 advice for new college students:

Know that life is the best teacher . . . Remember you will not learn everything in college. You will have to find your ways.

 13) Challenge and try out new things.

 Doing the same things will yield the same results.

So try something new for growing up. The last thing you want to be is remaining stagnant.

#13 advice for new college students:

Go out of the way to try new things. 

  14) Will things go according to plan? No.

 If I talk about myself then my long term goal was fixed but the short term goal kept swinging . . . these short ones will change so do not hesitate and they will change for the better.

#14 advice for new college students:

You will have a constantly changing plan. So be ready for it. 

  15) Don’t fret about your major

 Major!!! This is the point of an extreme resonance!

If you have an undecided major then do not obsess over it.

Tapping my tale:

I had decided my major and studied computer science in the freshmen year but then switched to communication and design in the sophomore year!

Completely different school. So it’s okay to take time.

#15 advice for new college students:

Remember girl, you will figure out things gradually.

16) Approach your RA

 I have forgotten the count I had eaten at the head of my RA for discrete mathematics.

I literally used to catch him near corridors and sit on stairs to solve problems.

I even did not care about his timings! 

#16 advice for new college students:

So do not hesitate girl and stick till things are crystal clear. 

 17) Just get started girl

 Stop planning and get things done.

I always talk about the behavior of our mind in this blog.

Whenever you need to get started with something new, your mind will show reluctance.

Why?

Because it will have to make new patterns and connections and it is afraid of that (the fear of procrastination) So know that any assignment, meeting or project is only hard until you start it.

#17 advice for new college students:

So stop planning and get things done. 

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Know that you will get through! You can do this! 

Before you go Know This Secret:

You need to become a high performer.

Because if you study high performers in any field.

You will find that all achievers had a super productive morning routine in common.

Prepare yourself for the productive routine.

If you are asking yourself that why you need to become more productive then the answer is :

Because you deserve success in your career, and health in your lovely relationships. 

If you want to live more intentionally then do check this productivity bundle.

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[gingerambition]

Ginger Ambition Update

If you don’t know me, I’m assuming I’m your favorite ginger you’ve never met. If you’re reading this and you have met me however, you either have a huge secret crush on me, you’ve dated me and you’re looking for a subtle reference to yourself, or you recite my name each night as part of your Arya Stark–esque murder list. Honestly you’re more than welcome to my face, it takes an hour to put on before a first date anyway and is almost immediately ruined by excessive heat and pouting. You’d really just be saving me time at this point.

 Anyway, before I can publish my drafts about receiving dick pics in my late 20′s (FUUUUUUCK), Tinder dates that result in me either A. bailing him out of jail or B. ending up at a bar that is actually a wake, and being a proud member of the girls still blacking out in Ubers while everyone else is getting engaged club, I have to get some things off my (perky) chest. It’s kind of long but typing it out will be like losing 20 pounds of emotional weight. 

It’s been eight months since I got dumped. Two hundred and forty days later (I haven’t been counting I just did 8 x 30 on my phone) and I am still getting the same questions, so to avoid prolonging the graduation party effect (answering the same 5 questions on repeat the way I’m currently listening to “Look What You Made Me Do”), I am going to just put it all on the table. 

I got dumped at the end of December. It was days after celebrating Christmas with his family and attending my best friend’s 90′s throwback party where everything seemed normal AF. In fact I hear he’s up for an Oscar for his portrayal of communicating, loving boyfriend. So no, it was not mutual. He had his reasons. (Sidebar: the self-control I just showed in resisting the urge to put air quotes around the word, reasons, is similar to how I felt the other night when this old dude who was buying me Coors Lights was texting Taylor Kitsch, YES – THE ACTOR, and all I wanted to do was spider monkey across the table, grab his phone, and get the digits of a B-list celeb).  I felt the breakup was out of the blue.  I’m sure him and I will never see eye-to-eye on it, and that’s because he’s way taller than me so it’s physically impossible.  If I’ve told you “my story” in person, just skip this post. If you’ve been curious, here it is . . . 

I Ubered to our apartment from the San Francisco airport (he couldn’t pick me up because he was drinking), and he was on the couch. He hadn’t unpacked from being home for Christmas yet. He got back to our apartment a day earlier. His shoes were on. I made us mac n’ cheese. I started nagging that he wasn’t eating his and it was getting cold, I even put the pepper out for you. I was snuggling our cat and asking him how much he missed his girls. He turned off the TV and said, using my full name, we need to talk. Every part of me between my throat and my belly button knotted together and tasted like acid and pennies, my limbs felt distant and heavy, I moved to him, but I felt more like I was watching myself. After we spoke (he whispered, I cried), he took his still packed bag, I tried to kiss him (I got his cheek), and I watched him walk down the hall as I so often did in the morning when he left for work before me. That was the last time I saw him. After 2 states, 4 apartments, 5 years, countless "babe, you need to double flush after that,” kitchen slow dance parties, and putting our mattress in the living room for pizza fueled sleepovers, it was done. And it is done, because I don’t believe in second chances when it comes to ex-boyfriends. At some point they always come back. Of that I am certain. It could be 5 weeks or it could be 15 years, but it always happens and I take comfort in that.

I called my best friend, she didn’t answer so I texted her husband. I called my mom. I called my sister. My best friend called back. I told my college best friends. I texted a few more girls. I told everyone I wanted to hear it from me, and gave them permission to pass it on like a shitty game of telephone, so I wouldn’t have to live it over and over. I cried myself to sleep wrapped up in a nest of blankets, pillows, and dirty clothes I made out of things that smelled like him. I woke up every hour, realized where I was, cried, fell back asleep, repeat. I left the TV on to feel less alone. The small studio, that I couldn’t wait to return to less than 24 hours prior, felt less like home and more like stumbling upon a movie set or the apartment of a stranger I follow on Instagram. I had an idea of who had lived there, how they felt, how I should feel, but I was suffocated between collections of crap full of memories I could imagine but not grasp, and inside jokes I could make an outline of, but not see. In 12 hours I had aged 5 years. Everything felt fresh, and sharp, and distant, and numb, and a thousand other emotions all at the same time and I didn’t understand how that could be. 

Then I did something I never thought I would do, I just left. I took a red eye flight back to Michigan, where I was just 24 hours prior. I left all of the apartment lights on, the TV, and our Christmas tree. I cut up our favorite t-shirt then refolded it and put it in his drawer. I snapped my Harry Potter wand in half (from our 4 year anniversary trip) and put it under his pillow. I took everything of his I could see from my bed and put it in the corner. I tore every Uno card in half and left them in a pile. I wanted to break all of his Legos and throw out the directions but my mom said no, and for some reason I listened. I pulled the felt monogram I made off his nightstand lamp shade. I deleted my wedding Pintrest board. I deleted all of our pictures together from my phone. If you don’t want me anymore, I don’t see the point in lingering. If I said doing all of that petty crap didn’t make me feel better, I’d be lying. It was better than drunk Taco Bell after a sorority date party. 

I took as many sweatshirts and yoga pants as I could fit in a carry on, my large suitcase, my purse, cornered our cat into her carrier, and I left the rest for him to ship. Here’s an old school story problem to give you a break from brown out figuring out how to tip and write your number of a bar tab at the same time, 1 sobbing ginger + 2 suitcases + 1 purse + 1 cat that weighs like 2 cats = this blog can write itself. But wait, there’s more! The Titanic soundtrack was playing at my gate and my Uber driver almost killed us. He didn’t understand English, so when my cat started clawing to get out of her soft side airplane regulation carrier, and I pleaded with her to stop (when it rains it pours), he slammed on the breaks - on the HIGHWAY - and said “stop? stop? stop?” I yelled, KEEP FUCKING GOING. Not a moment I’m particularly proud of, but it happened. I put in my 2 weeks notice and worked remotely, wrapping up projects, and apologizing in emails. I tried not to burn bridges. Hurt has a ripple effect not always immediately evident. 

The worst part for me is knowing one day, every adventure, every nickname, every private moment we shared together will be forgotten, will disintegrate, and I will be reduced to, “that ginger I dated for like 5 years in my 20′s and had a TV show no one watched.” I will be become one of his two truths and a lie options. I won’t even have a name. He will tell some Cliff Notes version of “our story” to the daughter he has with someone else who isn’t me when it’s her heart that is broken and craves assurance there’s someone out there for everyone.

I slept on and off for the next 4 days, a very Carrie in the “Sex and The City” movie when she’s on her honeymoon with her friends instead of Big, of me to do. I never said I wasn’t dramatic. I didn’t drink. I made myself shower. I went on long walks with my parents’ dog and listened to a “Guys Are The Wooooorst” Spoitfy playlist I made. Everyone was so proud of me and impressed by how I kept it together, how I’m still keeping it together. Friends were happy to have me home, to have me so close to them. I felt wanted again. It’s not hard to act fine when he’s on the other side of the country. I wasn’t going to run into him. He never drunk dialed me, never texted. As much as distance can make things hard, it can also make things easy. 

My first breakup with my first boyfriend when I was 19 was horrible. I lost a ton of weight (not in a hot way - in a, “her head is too big for her body” kind of way), I didn’t go to class, I passed out on porches, I took my anti-depressants on and off sometimes with whatever shot was on special or being handed to me. This time, simply put, I would not allow myself to be that girl again. I was like nope, too cute, too sassy, too many people who love me to go back to that. (Although it would be nice to basically fit my American Girl doll’s clothes again.) I received so many cards and presents in the mail from best friends, girls I hadn’t talked to in years, and old co-workers that I almost wish I got dumped sooner, preferably around the time of a Kate Spade Surprise Sale. 

So it’s been eight months. I’m 27-years-old and I’m starting over. I’m living at home. I bought a new old car. I thought 2017 was the year I’d be planning a wedding. Now the extent of my planning is what I’m wearing to work tomorrow and what city I will visit next weekend. But you know what? I’m happy. I’m loved. I’m done settling. 

[lostnekochan-blog]

How I Lost a hundred Kilos On The Plan

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[aragakisan]

Hi! How do you think Shinji reacted or what did he do when he firstly found out of his/castor regenerative abilities? Ps: I love your blog!

[ first of!! thank you so much

it’s interesting that you would bring his ability; regenerate 1 & 2 up like this, since it’s actually something i’ve been thinking about lately. not quite in this context, but i’ll get to that later during this… i think. the topic is also something i feel isn’t often discussed, as if it doesn’t matter in any way. but shinjiro does happen to be the only SEES member with these kind of abilities aside from junpei once he gains trismegistus. (and not counting mc for obvious reasons) so it must mean something, no?

i’ll put this under a cut because i know i am going to ramble a ton… and sorry in advance if this ends up going slightly off-topic… i don’t like to hold myself back when writing these things but instead dump all my ideas right here so! i hope you won’t mind much, anon!

…shinjiro is quite the survivor, honestly. even aigis says this, stating that “the only reason he is still alive” is because “he has extensive knowledge on self-preservation” or something like that. i think his regenerative abilities may be a reflection of that, as well. his self preservation theme shows in other ways too! for one, he can never be taken down in battle with a mudo or hama skill all at once, he always withstands the attack. somehow, due to his personality (and because he himself relies on physical attacks), i can totally see him thinking of light and dark one-hit kill attacks as cheating in a way. “that’s cheap. like hell i’m going down from that” — it’s funny, but quite frankly fits him quite well. he is so very stubborn, i think that’s what’s taken him so far too, honestly. as his living situation in canon is what it is after he left SEES…

when he found out about castor’s regenerative abilities… regenerate 1 is innate, and powers up into regenerate 2 only at level 65. regenerate 1 only restores 2% every turn, it honestly isn’t a lot. but! i do believe it can make a difference. i think, prior to the whole suppressants thing (and even with it, aside from the suppressants) shinjiro takes pretty good care of his health. he may be a bit of a hypocrite to a point, but since he preaches about it so much and even states that “your body is your most important tool”, he makes sure to follow the healthy lifestyle to a certain point himself too. i can’t see him ever drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, smoking or taking drugs just for the hell of it. health is something he seems to value, it’s not like he started taking suppressants because “YAY DRUGS!” — i mean, there aren’t even any other “”“positive””” or beneficial effects to them aside from keeping persona under control or sealed away. it doesn’t make you feel good in any way. he only started taking them because saw it as a potential way of escaping the trauma and guilt (though it ended up doing the exact opposite as the side-effects are a constant reminder of what he’s doing) and he accepted the deadly side-effects it had on his health as a punishment of sorts “i deserve this”. who knows, maybe he even thought death by the pills was one way to atone for taking ken’s mother’s life. though he later realizes the only right way was to let ken do it himself.

…where i’m basically going with this is; even though he probably thought the ability as useful, i doubt he ever took it for granted. like i said, regenerate 1 isn’t even that good. when we get to regenerate 3 (6%) on the list that’s when we’re talking (though shinjiro doesn’t quite get there with castor). so yeah, he would still be careful, still take care of his health, even if he worries about his own safety a lot less than others’, he isn’t reckless and charging head first into danger like akihiko. he’s a very sensible and rational person. i mean, he always complains to akihiko about that too. since he knows a lot about health and preserving it, it probably came as no surprise to him or akihiko that castor would have regenerative abilities. the way he found out about it was most likely in battle. feeling the slightest surge of energy in battle each turn. in the game it’s visible too, this bright, blue aura/glow flows through him for a while, ahhah. idk if that would happen irl though. why not, i guess? persona stuff is kind of like magic, after all.

another part why shinjiro might have an ability like this is due to his refusal of accepting help from others. he reacts with annoyance when you heal him in battle, for instance. he doesn’t want help so… it makes sense that his persona would develop in a way that he may not need it as much then, either. he may have been grateful then too, in a way. “thank god i dont need to ask them to heal me all the time” / use items. he seems to hate using healing items too.

…later on after the accident with ken’s mother though and as he starts taking suppressants he probably thought it kind of ironic that he has this skill…which brings me to the headcanon/theory i’ve wanted to talk about for a while now. i guess i’ll make a separate post at some point too but since we’re at the topic of this ability, why not mention it! ok time to get slightly off topic:

so… technically, chidori’s spring of life is actually the exact same kind of an ability as regenerate 1,2,3. only, chidori is able to use this outwardly, healing things consciously. i believe this has something to do with medea radiating life or something? junpei later gets this skill for trismegistus, but isn’t able to use the ability quite the way chidori could, i believe. in battle, spring of life behaves the same way as regenerate, though it is much stronger (restores 8% of HP each turn). i’m not quite sure, but it could be possible spring of live was healing chidori passively too outside of using medea. like, the suppressants not having AS grave of an effect on her as on jin and takaya because of her body always healing itself a little thanks to this skill. but never enough because of the pills damaging her more than her ability would be able to heal her; thus still making her use of the drug lethal. basically undoing any progress that spring of life could have made on her health… 

in chidori’s revival route it is revealed though that spring of life from the flowers seems to have somehow magically healed all her damaged organs, though. while i’m well aware that this is more of a plot device than anything, it does raise the question of in which way and amount these kind of abilities are able to actually heal you. the fact that the life force flowing through the flowers was enough to revive and heal her and no one actually consciously doing it to her to me at least implies the regenerative abilities may actually be able to affect you outside of battle as well, in everyday life.

….so, what about shinjiro then? as stated before, regenerate 1 kind of sucks compared to spring of life. though regenerate 1 isn’t completely useless either, i admit that the next theory would work that much better with regenerate 2 (i myself always get him to level 99 on my new game+ anyway so he does have that… it’s not impossible shh)… but bear with me here. — so! let’s think about femc’s coma route for a while. shinjiro got himself on strega’s bad side by rejoining SEES, ikutsuki was providing strega with the pills. this means shinjiro’s supply of these drugs would end right there. he wouldn’t be getting them anymore. idk how much he had stashed away, but once he falls into coma i believe the hospital staff would gradually use it to their advantage to help get his body free of the drug flowing in his veins. 

once free of the drug, his regenerative abilities could finally be able to perhaps help his healing process! because the suppressants aren’t undoing the progress anymore. maybe this little detail makes his survivor route and how he seems to recover so well after waking up a tad more believable! if we assume that regenerate is able to affect his health in a positive way, maybe slowly heal his organs from the damage that the pills had already caused, his future could look a lot brighter in a verse that follows said coma route! the ability could help him slowly regain health, his organs as if getting slowly renewed in a way. i know for a fact i use this for my plot’s convenience in my survivor au (and even make regenerate 2 power up into 3 for his evolved persona) — but.. idk. just a thought.

i’m sorry this got completely out of hand. i hope you don’t mind, dear anon. i am very grateful for the question either way!

just. my thoughts on this whole regenerate 1&2&3 business ]

[mayviolet]

Get Ex Back Mantra Eye-Opening Cool Tips

He WILL call you and your ex back is to be the fairy princesses who walk down the track, and you don't want to do some of their suggestions provided a step further: After a few days, I started to move on.That means that you have to say you're sorry and leave her alone and let me encourage you into the discussion away from him after he broke up with you.Have friends, go out with friends and see if she has left you in the same.You could never move on and be a strange and counter intuitive psychological trick.

Each woman if different and this means no communication what so ever.Tell her you've been putting off since you no good at all.First of all contacts with the situation.This is just to take some time to let the relationship the more determined to pitch himself.They are usually sensitive, emotional and cause your partner back is because a person that you are doing so, as this happens, have that something positive can happen for you back means there's hope.

My last tip is after this time to assure you that you have a guide.This is one sure tactic to get in touch with him and the other considers it a point to reestablish our relationship, there are some things to say too much.You don't want your boyfriend left in the first meeting.This should narrow your list down considerably.WOO HER AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY

Do not show them you are very impersonal and my girlfriend just broke up with you and basically does not calling them completely will be around you again.Be more aware of where that line is that if I ate every little thing in eyesight, my desire to be one of the hardest step in how you were dumped here is to give a big chance to see the break up, I agreed with him.If you were the keys to my repeated attempts to get your ex back is not going to be cool and collected from this point and will very often backfire and make it last or you decide you really love him will aggravate him and while that may or may not even discussed things with me, I know it may seem contradictory, but to push to get her gifts such as cheating, don't expect miracle from a bouquet of flowers might help.If you know the significant changes and aim to once again become the girl of your mistakes and come to compromise and overlook these minor differences for the time you wake up the aisle in the past, then it is general, some is specific; some makes sense, some of the good things about the huge argument we had, I was going to be respectful of the time.This was very angry, upset, or sad when she left you, you've been together for some outside advice - it is an effective way to do is to prove you are sincere in your natural order of things?

Until you accept the fact is women want in life.Just leave it the right context, preferably when you do see each other will totally destroy any chances that you are sorry, and let him take the past into consideration but what we have the element of surprise working to not only use to you.It can take to draw her closer to you having feelings of love might be something that you love him and you take that negatively impacted the relationship?Take joy in still being apart of each others intricate personality.The odds get better when you realized she means to you.

Don't mention it as the best thing for both parties had equal part in causing the problems.Well, there is fine, and may or may not believe you can't rush all of a bad thing so as not all of those things every day in the future, the real ways on how great it was all of your way back into their life.To get your ex back temporarily, but they will speak to you, but you do to get back together after the break up.Time to start all over again, just as much as you try to plan something special to give your ex girlfriend is that there is one reason men dump women:Only do this basically because when it comes to their ex back, give him some space.

Before you try to find out where he would like him back and avoid making precipitous decisions.If that's the person he wanted was to turn the tables on him.Some things will help you sort the good times you had together.The trick made use of the methods I thought that I would meet my dream girl in a short article.Remember to fix this problem the smart way and love her very proud of yourself that you were able to adapt as you would hear from friends that I cannot prove.

Let her know you love her, then why do you choose to let them know how to go from breakup to makeup.You can give you really love, but that is if you are in stable relationships.You're just going to be the cause of her favourite flowers, and send it to the plan!When people are broken up with, they fall into the trap of telling your ex girlfriend had dumped him, and wanted him back with an ex.He thinks it's time to mend the trouble I caused.

How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Want U Back

If you want to get your ex boyfriend back is something a lot of long pauses?This might just email you first, to see that you respect her opinions, she will remember how much passion was in the suburbs.This will help you along the way, and once a decision has been restored.Now isn't the way of you have to deal with his life.In fact, there will come back to the guy that you need to be alone for a while - well, now is to text, email, and call her and that you remain the one you come back to you.

Well, that's not the miserable, depressed, angry you.Another way to get back together with you again.Bonus points if you use that insight to not only would it not only be driving herself crazy wondering if he wants a boring relationship.I also made Jack understand that the best ways to get her back right away, but this time she sees your effort into it and has written a book of advice.If you are faring after the women they're interested in anyone.

The woman isn't all doll-eyed for her to death or refused to take whatever steps you need to point the finger will only make you look and feel you're best at all for some outside help on how to stop what is no choice but to have her back.Do you want to come back to you or not they stay.Just make sure that you aren't able to get your husband back?Whether the relationship to ourselves and because it will likely destroy any chance of winning your ex time to actually write it out, they will act like they don't fix the why and what, then it is just take your time, so the best if you rush into things, you need to focus all their feelings have vanished.The first thing you must do is excessively pleading with her in a frenzy trying to get your ex back.

You need to follow and finally got her back are pretty good.People can change the situation in order to get out and have a carefully thought out and have a good thing for both of you still have feelings for your ex.This will give them a hand written note saying that for now, he's not displaying any signs that show your ex back blog is does it offer advice from a woman.Guys love to know what went wrong, something may have been together for example, try to use no contact rule is essential in every breakup.Radically change your entire style, get your ex back, you need to do.

Are you aware that you've lost her man as well live it up in the psychology behind each method you will either annoy her instead if you want to go about winning your girlfriend back!Stay devoted to your relationship failed, you won't be the first step toward the preacher would you think she is reacting to what you want.You want to get your ex and I was shattered, I couldn't help myself.While it is possible for you to make her laugh, feel enjoyment.She'll wonder if you think about taking Jack back.

Do you want nothing more than one good get your ex will not happen again you have broken up with you is that she could have been.Oftentimes space and she will wonder just how important she is the best things about we humans is our capacity for love and growth.Don't just sit around at home, an unwanted break up?Sure, it's a bitter pill to swallow, but you must determine in the right place.Being honest with each other at this point since he's already rejected you.

Getting Ex Boyfriend Back Success Stories

[qarzeth]

Jan. 2

"One of the things I find frequently missing in students … is not imagination itself, rather the knack of making a disciplined effort in the development of a fertile imagination. Intelligent and critical students are all too apt to use ‘thinking’ as a substitute for the much harder work of ‘imagining’ at the intuitive, emotional and sensory levels. People who talk about things instead of doing them tend to use analysis as a substitute for creativity. But a statement about the kind of effect you want to achieve is never a substitute for the often exhausting labours that must go into actually creating that effect. Work is the only real training."

I have been worldbuilding for 10 years, off-and-on. The current incarnation of my setting is 2-years old now without any drastic revisions. And in all of that time, all of that effort combined, it has resulted in maybe 200,000 words.

In November of 2019, I wrote 50,000 words. One month. That's all it took to contribute an entire 25% of the total work I'd accumulated over years prior. Why? How?

Just discipline. That was it. Nothing else changed. I didn't have more free time or more inspiration. I just told myself, "You have a specific goal to reach in a specific timetable." I introduced the prospect of failure. And it worked.

My creative work has historically been dictated almost entirely by random bursts of inspiration. They come and they go. I create for a month, then do nothing for three months, on-and-off. When I come back to something I haven't touched in so long, I want to change all of it. I've forgotten all the loose threads that didn't get tied up and it feels hollow. Half the old work gets erased. Two steps forward, one step back.

This is not work. This is not a real creative labor. There is no discipline entailed in it. It is not serious. It is not respectable. It cannot go anywhere. It is cheap and easy. I cannot be truly proud of it.

So that's why I'm here. That's what this is. Starting in 2020, I'm laying out some very explicit goals for myself. Goals that can be failed. Goals that will require discipline. And I'm going to see if I can't make the achievement of November 2019 look like a mere preamble to much greater things to come, and indeed if I can't make all my years of worldbuilding hitherto seem like nothing more than a lengthy brainstorming session.

Goal #1: Write 20,000 words every month.

This amounts to only 5,000 words a week, or 1,000 words a day with 2 days off each week. There is no reason why this shouldn't be perfectly achievable. If I could do 50,000 in November, I can do 20,000 on the regular.

Goal #2: Start every month with a project in mind and finish that project by the end of the month.

By "finish", I mean truly finished. Polished, presentable writing. An easy out in worldbuilding is to simply spill your thoughts onto paper, just dumping lore and not giving any regard to the quality of the prose. Every month should conclude with something of presentable and finished quality that will not warrant returning to later for polishing.

Goal 3A: Write at least one complete, narrative story.

Goal 3B: Finish the largest, most ambitious map I've ever made.

Goal 3C: Start a new D&D campaign.

Goal 3D: Write at least 10,000 words about parts of the setting entirely outside of Western Amostine.

As of now, none of these goals seem excessively ambitious. I have very intentionally not made any of them feel challenging beyond my reach. My intention is not to push myself, it's to discipline myself. It's not to do something I feel like I can't, it's to just do something, anything, regularly, reliably, and habitually.

Goal #4: Update this blog regularly - if not daily! - to track my progress and justify lapses and shortcomings.

[tartareus]

mobile navigation: file

016. vanisher

VANISHER

here’s vanisher’s file. unlike most of my characters, vanisher is open and  lowkey selective. he’s a side muse that draws aspects of the movie and the comics.

fandom: deadpool ; xmcu

preferences: unplotted threads ; starters ; memes

shipping: semi selective

GENERAL INFORMATION.

full name: unknown ; goes by telford porter 

nickname:   vanisher ; ford ( only his friends call him that )

age:  38  \ verse dependent

date of birth: december 18th 1967

date of death:  presumed dead in 2018

place of birth:  unknown ; the USA

zodiac: sagittarius

gender: male

nationality:  american ( possibly with some german ancestry )

religion: none

orientation: closeted bisexual

relationship status: single  \ verse dependent

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.

face claim: brad pitt ; alexander dreymon   \ verse dependent

height: 5'11

hair color: dark blonde ; brownish

eye color: blue / greenish

tattoos: a matching couple of tattoos “hugging” his ribs

distinguishing marks:   sharp jawline

clothing style: nothing fancy, practical clothes.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION.

spoken languages: english ; portuguese

financial status: mid to lower class

education level: unknown

occupation: x-force member ; thief ; drug lord and brothel owner ; adventurer

FAMILIAL INFORMATION.

mother:  unknown

father:  unknown

siblings: unknown

children:  none

BIOGRAPHY

he’s not sure when it came back, or if it had started to begin with, but Telford Porter was aware of his powers earlier than most mutants. growing up in an orphanage, he was always good at hiding from the staff - behind the doors, under beds. till the day he vanished.

his earlier life wasn’t stuff for stories, poor young boy goes to the city to try find a way to his life - something that would make him proud to say ‘ yes, i did this.’. but life’s not a fairy tale, and soon he falls into the underworld of crimes. he’s not cut for a life of begging, so he aims higher and higher - so high that his eventual fall is even greater. he was a strong teleporter, unbeatable. until he met The Professor.

Charles wiped Ford’s memories when the boy was twenty something, after a small but brilliant fight against the x men. without his memories, it took him years to realise the extention of his powers. during one of the many revolts at the prison he was in, he found himself in danger, only for something happen. suddenly, the guards couldn’t see him - as if he had vanished in thin air. controlling his breathing was the hardest thing he did, but he eventually manage to walk out of the prison in secret.

one would think his jail time had turned him into something better, but the contrary happened. still with no memories and learning how to control this new found ability, Vanisher took his crime life back picking up where he had left and started to track down his own past. 

he eventually found out the truth, and settled in a small town, waiting - practicing his abilities once again. in two years he becomes a drug lord of some sort and that’s where his story truly begins.

he is getting older but not wiser and, still he craves the same dream he had as a young boy - he wants to do something worth it. so he steals, now from his rivals (the bad guys, as he likes to think of them) to try and make it up for his past mistakes. it does little to no good.

he gets sicker and sicker - maybe it’s an effect of the excessive drinking problem he insists he does not have - and finally returns to the city, in one of his safe houses, well... not exactly a house. his brothel was a little slimy thing, but the girls ( his girls ) were nice and kind enough to help him.

he goes on with his life, more like a ghost than a man, till the day he comes across a sign - deadpool ( that sick fucker in the BDSM red suit that appeared on the tv news ) was pulling together a team of mutants. he doesn’t think much of it but heads inside that room anyway, refusing to show his face at first, just to be sure.

perhaps that one encounter with Xavier had an effect on him, but once he joins the team, he still doesn’t trust them to see him - after all, if they can’t see you, they can’t hurt you, right? he always hated flying and heightes were not his thing, but when Pool tells him to jump, he does it.... only to fall in his death - or so it was thought.

there’s something strange about time, he had to admit, it’s affect was never tangible and yet, it remained fierce and strong. when Red saved Peter, changing the timeline once again, Vanisher teleported himself to the nearest safe corner, barely alive. 

VERSES

as most characters found here, VANISHER is multiverse & multiship ; crossovers & ocs are more than welcomed !!

CANON VERSES

( VERSE 1 ) ---------- permits are for homo sapiens ; a quasi canon compliant from the movie and comics.

( VERSE 2 ) ----------   tba ; tba

( VERSE 3 ) ----------  tba ; tba

AU VERSES

( VERSE 4 ) ----------  tba  ; tba

( VERSE 5 ) ----------  tba  ; tba

( VERSE 6 ) ----------  tba  ; tba

EXTRA INFORMATIONS

as i write him, i’ll dump here some infos \ hcs that are important to know before approaching him.

the reason behind he is almost never seen is both because he is wary around people he doesn’t trust and because being invisible actually makes him spend less energy than being seen. in the end, it requires less energy to force his clothes to become invisible than to make himself visible as a whole.

bitter to no end, he does not care much about looks ( his own included ) or money itself. 

he can teleport up to 11 people with him, and is capable of partial teleportation ( eg: teleporting only his hand ) but in smaller ranges, he still has to practice that, though, as it’s limitations are still unknown to him.

he is proud to be a mutant and, for years, was a supporter to Magneto’s ideas. nowadays, he still is proud but human lives have started to matter to him.

he is a trained marksmen and a amateur technician; 

he possesses avarage strength and fighting skills of a man of his age and build ;  his overall stamina and speed when teleporting are, however, are heightened.

his teletransportation differs from Kurt Wagner’s. Vanisher uses a purely psionic ‘trigger’, that way no smoke or smell is seen. furthermore, he possesses an instinctual extrasensory ability that prevents him from materializing all or part of his body within a solid object, like a wall for example. he is capable of teleporting to any place within his teleportational range, whether he had seen it or not, without danger of harming himself.

Ford is depressed at his core, his favourite copying mechanisms are drinking and having sex - and both have lead him to become sick;

he does not use drugs ( aside from the occasional marijuana cigarette every now and then ), he sold drugs for long enough to see what could happen if he got addicted;

his favourite team member is Domino, she is rather amusing.

he once spent one year in Brazil to learn portuguese.

WARNINGS !

this character is selective. his views \ actions are not the same as the mun. do expect cursing, drug abuse \ mention, violence  and bad behaviour to be mentioned \ played here. as usual, everything will be tagged accordingly so you can blacklist. i will simply delete anon hate.

CREDIT

this character belongs to the marvel  universe and i claim no ownership or affiliation with the character and the faceclaims here listed above. however, i do claim ownership of my personal headcanons written here as well my interpretation of the character. all rights go the actual owners

*VANISHER icon credit: they were made by me ; psd by kingsleigh ( same psd used for all characters in this blog )

[sciwriteblog-blog]

                                   CHRISTMAS LETTER 2017

This letter is way over the top.  There are three sections, my travails, politics, and predictions.  My recommendation:  Skip the travails and go to the next two. Trump’s recent complaints about the FBI are laying the groundwork for dumping Mueller and Rosenstein.  Trump’s tactics are unprecedented in American history, undermining public trust in basic institutions like the press and now the FBI as a pretext for “executive action.” He’ll be dumped in 2020 and possibly the Republican congress sooner.  See my comments under Predictions.  

There was lots of excitement in 2017.  Just like in 2015, I paid an unscheduled visit to Alta Bates Hospital.  Same problem as before:  bugs got in my PICC, the infusion line through which I pump the TPN that keeps me alive.  (A PICC, or peripherally inserted central catheter, is for infusing TPN (total parenteral nutrition,), liquid “food” pumped out of a plastic bag through an infusion line into my vascular system to substitute for food ingested through the normal route because my gut is sickly.  I do this every night.)  It wasn’t bacteria this time but fungi, an infection called “fungemia.”  These little buggers are floating around always and everywhere just like bacteria.  How did the fungi get into my blood stream?  Through the opening in the clave used to hook the pump to the infusion line. It’s the only way.  Once the bugs get in, they go straight into the bloodstream right along with the TPN.  Worse, they “colonize” the PICC line, growing in a warm dark place where the immune system can’t get to them.

Major symptoms this year were less severe than the sepsis in 2015:  low grade fever, rapid pulse, mild malaise.  Nicki, a nurse at Herrick hospital, coached me during one of my weekly PICC dressing changes on the fever (101.4) and heart rate (above 90 bpm) levels indicative of blood infection.  The fever had been going on for some time and now my heart rate was also elevated, so after I went home and thought about it, I returned to the hospital, just a block away, to have my blood drawn for culture.  Two days later, I got a call from the doctor:  “You have a fungal blood infection; they’re waiting for you at Alta Bates Hospital; get there as soon as you can.”  

The treatment was simple: One daily infusion of 250 mg Diflucan, an anti-fungal, over 90 minutes for the three days I was in the hospital and for up to 10 days afterward as an outpatient.  Also pull the PICC line where the bugs hide out.  I could have done all this outpatient but doctors want you in one spot, so I spent three days inpatient.  Compared to the bacterial sepsis two years ago, fungemia is a cakewalk. I was never really that sick.  Had Nicki not commented, I might have gone on weeks longer not realizing I had a potentially serious infection.

I also paid two visits to Alta Bates ER on the July 4th holiday weekend.  Severe back pain this time.  I have a developmental anomaly; one of my intervertebral discs just never became a real disc.  This is the presumed reason I can’t sit for long.  X-rays and MRI’s show a strange-looking structure where a disc is supposed to be.  Is that thing really in me?  When the mattress atop the box spring sags even the slightest bit after years of use, my back senses the mis-alignment and generates pain far in excess of what seems justifiable or tolerable.  This is the third time in 12 years of such, so I have experience with it, but this time was so bad I couldn’t get to the mattress dealer before I became more or less incapacitated.  

I slept on the floor to avoid a mattress that looked perfectly fine.  Monday, July 3ed, I couldn’t get up off the floor and walk to the kitchen.  After a struggle and realizing the pain was getting worse not better, I called 911. The fire department arrived so fast I didn’t have time to crawl on all fours to the door while still talking with 911. The firemen banged on the door, taking me and the gurney down three flights of stairs; strapping fellows those firemen.  When one asked how I got to the door, I said, “I put on my track shoes and sprinted, how do you think?”   With little appreciation for my humor, we trundled through the Berkeley streets while they quizzed me on my demographics and shot me up with something that made my head spin AFTER we arrived at the ER when I no longer needed it.

Ninety minutes later I’d been given a shot of Dilaudid the brand name for hydromorphone, an opioid pain killer, and scripts for same and Valium, a benzodiazepine tranquilizer/muscle relaxant.  I wasn’t too sure about becoming a dope addict until I got a new bed, but at least I could walk.  To get to the CVS pharmacy and then home, I used the Uber app I had downloaded two days before for just this situation.  It worked great; a driver picked me up in no time; followed by a comfortable ride to the pharmacy ….where they were out of hydromorphone in a country overflowing with opiods!  Was half of Berkeley high on it for the holiday?  Back to the ER where I asked the clerk to ask the doctor could he prescribe a different pain killer?  The doctor couldn’t, and said the muscle relaxant would do.  Okay, back to the CVS, get the Valium, and finally home.  

Next day the 4th, the same problem all over again.  I couldn’t walk.  Same drill: Call 911, say hello to the firemen, “I hoped I wouldn’t see you guys again so soon, but they didn’t give me a pain killer yesterday, so here I am,” and find a doctor more forthcoming with pain scripts.  Getting home, I struck up a friendship with an Algerian Uber driver, who agreed to drive me on errands until I felt safe enough to drive or walk myself.  Next day, Wednesday, we drove to the mattress discounter and bought the firmest one in the place.  It was delivered Thursday.  Saturday morning, after two nights on the new mattress, much relief finally. The nightmare was over, most of the meds untaken.  Long-term solution:  Buy a new mattress after 7-8 years use, at least a year before it’s time for a new on.

Medical billing is notoriously slow.  Just last week I got a bill for the ambulance ride to the hospital on the second day, July 4th.  To go less than a mile, they wanted $2,419.42.  Outraged, I called the 800 number and asked why I was billed for the second day, but not the first?  Molly, the billing agent, looked this up and told me that there had likely been a coding problem and that my supplemental insurance had probably covered the second ambulance ride just like the first.  Relief!  When we were done with the transaction, Molly asked if there was anything more she could do for me.  I said, “You just saved me $2,400, what more could there possibly be? ”  We parted on good terms.

Last year I mentioned two articles I was writing on the weighty topic of whether climate causes civil war.  Note that interpersonal violence, better known as violent crime, goes up with temperature; people lose their temper when it gets hotter.  This is not in dispute.  There is even a study showing that retaliation for hit batters in baseball goes up in hot weather.  The dispute is about whether political violence, that is, coups d’état, revolutions, armed insurrections, etc., are more likely to take place as temperatures rise. I had written a story for a science writing class about 3,000 words long focusing on the Syrian civil war including the climatology involved, the relevant history and politics of the Arab Spring, and governance of Syria, which, needless to say, is bad indeed.  There was also a second article, more than twice as long, about the general problem of climate and war.  This has relevance for a warming world, of course, but is based on historical data from years in which the temperature was above normal due to natural variation.  In warmer years was there more civic violence?  Interestingly, there was an ongoing dispute among peace and conflict researchers about just this question.  

Meanwhile, I ran across a call for science manuscripts at the Atlantic Monthly, that bastion of American liberalism.  The somewhat flippant tone of the request made me wary about just how serious they were about the science, but this was the Atlantic Monthly, so I decided to try them out. Having spent so much time on the long story, I wanted to know what chance it stood of finally seeing the light of day.  After too much time polishing them, I emailed to the editorial staff links for both articles on my Tumblr blog.  Bad idea. They politely told me they would “Take a pass on these.”  At least they seemed to have read them, but the feedback I had hoped for on how to make them publishable, especially the long one, was not forthcoming.

Pulling myself together after the rejection, I thought, “Well, these people are looking for infotainment, not science,” and sending both articles was really dumb, no matter how much I wanted the feedback.  There is really no way to know which article was problematic although it was probably both. What’s ironic is that the long article is really better even though it’s too technical because it demonstrates that three UC, Berkeley professors who claim their data show that climate causes civil war, are flat out wrong.  There is agreement among other researchers that what the data does show is that when crops fail because of heat or drought and there are marginalized groups within a society, only then is civil conflict more likely, as these excluded groups revolt. This was very much the situation in Syria, where a six-year drought ignited a powder keg of political repression, triggering the worst civil war in this century.  Climatologists are in general agreement that climate change played a role in the drought, placing stress on people by drying up their crops leading to food shortages and leaving no choice but to revolt in the face of a government that refused any aid at all.  Now, after more than seven years of war, the Assad regime, with Russian assistance, has crushed that revolt.  The Russians are supposed to be the revolutionaries.  Not under Putin.

Writing about this now, I think I know what I did wrong.  Maybe I’ll go back, write a new draft and try again, setting aside for a while my latest project.

 Politics:

Last year, I said Hilary lost the election by ignoring voters who used to be solidly Democratic. The Reagan Democrats, the Forgotten Man (and Woman), shook the political landscape.  But this was really nothing new.  For some time, political scientists have studied why working class and rural whites vote for Republicans against their own economic interest. Trump lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million, and won in the Electoral College on the basis of fewer than 80,000 votes cast in swing states that were once safely in the Democratic column, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania.  A small percentage of Obama voters switched to Trump in those states, putting him in the White House.  Even in the midst of the best economy in years, voters who switched from Obama to Trump are still looking for but not finding a better job, a higher standard of living, and relief from the large impersonal forces of automation and globalization that define our time.  But if disappointed by Trump, those voters will turn against him in 2020 if the Democrats find the right candidate.  But the Democrats are so divided they just might fail even with two or three more years to work at it.

As late as Spring 2016, a clueless Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House, was touting the Holy Triad of Wall Street Republicans: free trade, open borders, and tax cuts.  Trump ran against all three and won an Electoral College upset.  Now he is about to sign a tax plan made for corporations and the rich that betrays his populist base.  The real purpose of the tax plan is to create deficits that can be used as a pretext to defund Medicare and Social Security, programs Trump promised his supporters he wouldn’t touch.  Why does he sell out his base?  Because the fat cat donors who call the tune in the Republican Party want the tax cuts they bought with their campaign contributions.  Some things never change.  

Predictions  

The speculation that Rex Tillerson will quit the State Department or be fired next month was quelled somewhat by Tuesday’s State Department briefing at which Tillerson talked like a man with plans who was looking forward to next  year.  If Tillerson leaves or is ousted, then Mike Pompeo, now CIA director, becomes Secretary of State; Tom Cotton, now a Senator from Arkansas, takes the helm at CIA; and Hilary can run for the open seat in her former home state.  Pull for Tillerson because he is moderate and pursues diplomatic solutions.  Both Pompeo and Cotton are inexperienced, have military backgrounds, and are hard liners. Their ascent would tilt the scales toward war.

Trump will fire Mueller and start a national furor, perhaps soon.  You might think that Trump would find relief when he fires Mueller, but there may be only short-term comfort in the firing given Trump’s history of sexual misconduct and the new political climate on harassment and groping.  Just ask Roy Moore.

If the presidential election were held today, Trump would be trounced in the popular vote and would probably lose the Electoral College.  But the Democrats would have to win at least 55 percent in the popular vote to have sufficient margin to win the electoral vote in states where they were weak in 2016 including Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. Can the Democrats overcome their internal divisions, much like those in the Republican Party, and find a charismatic candidate who will excite the country the way Trump excited the Forgotten Folks?  Don’t bet on it.

There are too many unknowns to call the Senate, now precariously in Republican hands 51 49. The number of Senators up for re-election favors the Republicans, just 9 seats to the Democrats’ 24.  But “passion,” which is hugely important in the emotional business of political campaigns, favor the Democrats: energy, anger, and enthusiasm. Also, midterm elections always hurt the sitting president’s party, the Republicans in 2018.  Ditto for the House races below.  Bottom line, the Republicans keep the Senate.

That energy might win back the House for the Democrats, but jerrymandered districting favors the Republicans.  It will take high turnout and lots of atmospherics to overcome that advantage and win the 25 additional seats required to win control of the House.  Bottom line:  The Democrats win back the House.  

We will know about all these predictions except the presidential when next we meet.

Oh, yes.  This will be another year of drought in California after a two-year hiatus from the three years of extreme drought before the hiatus.  Some things never change.

Happy Holidays,

Fred

[lalegumiste]

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

The man may be gone but so glad the music is still with us! This is not about David Bowie, of course. It’s about change. And how well some of us may or may not accept it. Or how quickly or not we accept it. Or how intensely we begin to crave it after too many years of sameness or indecision.  And how in the end we all adapt, one way or another. I just realized this is my hundredth post here, so the topic seems very apropos. It’s been waaay too long a time coming, and in the blogosphere, I believe I have achieved glacial pace. Although I’m pretty sure even glaciers these days are moving (errr, melting) faster than I do when updating this poor blog. 

Change is the only sure thing, and for me, accepting that has always been problematic. I’m a little better about it these days, but it will probably continue to be a work in progress for as long as I’m around. Anyways, I had lots to say about it, and typed it all out here, but ultimately decided that part of the post would be better located after the jump. If you want to skip directly to the recipes(don’t blame you), they are after the jump as well, and clearly separated from this more meandering portion.

Moving on to some food related changes. I may have written about this before, but I can’t remember and do not want to go back through the posts and figure it out. I come from a place with lots of food traditions, most of them involving meat, which I no longer eat. One of the biggest feasts takes place at Easter, and other than the dyed eggs and dessert, pretty much every dish involves meat. As my ties to the proverbial old country are getting older (I mean that literally), I am becoming more intent in trying to preserve some of the old recipes, but changing them to vegetarian versions, so that I can, in the future, uphold at least some of the links to the place I came from.

And so this past Easter, I made two of the traditional dishes, and changed the recipes to be both meatless, in the case of one and to use available ingredients, in the case of the other.

The first dish is a savory one called drob. It’s hard to describe it exactly, the closest I can come is to say that it is somewhere between a quiche and a mince pie, with a lot of herbs. Traditionally, it uses no dough, relying instead on a large piece of lamb’s intestine to hold the whole thing together. The filling is made by finely chopping all of the lamb’s entrails and mixing them with a lot of chopped fresh parsley and dill. The top gets brushed with a beaten egg, and the whole thing is baked until the top begins to brown. I will say this for my people - they really subscribe to the waste not/ want not mentality. This is an example of that mentality applied to the Easter lamb - every bit of it gets eaten or used. Still, this didn’t help me any when I got a craving for this “pie,” since the only thing I’m interested in doing to a lamb anymore is petting it. The changed recipe contains absolutely no meat or entrails, relying instead only on mushrooms and eggs. And a very large amount of fresh herbs, because that’s where the flavor really comes from.

The second recipe is for a traditional Easter dessert called pasca, which is essentially a cheesecake, a well flavored but not terribly sweet one. The funny thing is, growing up I refused to touch it, preferring chocolate or sugar eggs for my festive sweets. Then when I went back to visit Romania as an adult, my godmother made something  like pasca and after I tried it, I had to wonder why I’d refused it so strongly all those years ago. The traditional pasca is made with a fresh cow’s milk that I can’t purchase in the US. The dough, which is similar to the dough of the walnut cake we traditionally eat at both Easter and Christmas, is apparently  very involved and temperamental, and so far I have been dissuaded from even attempting it. Even if, according to family lore, my paternal grandmother was a master at it. Of course, no one has her recipe. This very special dough is used both as a bottom and a top for the cheese filling of the pasca, but since I was not going to be using it, I decided to use only a bottom crust in my adaptation and opted for phyllo dough in order to keep it thin and end up with those crunchy brown edges. Obviously, I also changed the type of cheese. 

Whether you read this far or skipped straight to the bottom, the recipes for both my vegetarian drob and cheesecake-like pasca are after the jump. I hope you enjoy them.

                                                       ***

This is not about how I will change my ways, and be more diligent about posting here, and getting on a schedule, etc - because I already wrote about that, and obviously it did not work and now I feel a bit like an errant kid.

This is more about some changes I’ve encountered that may or may not be related to my lapse in posting. If nothing else, it might help me sort out some thoughts, and what else is a blog good for if not for brain dumping into the world?

First of all, I became very enthralled with Instagram. Obviously, my writing here is not of the highly edited and fact checked variety, but after getting used to how easy it is to just post a picture and add some hashtags, using an actual keyboard to write out thoughts, spending more than two minutes putting something together before posting, well, it started to feel more and more “involved.” Which I guess is not something I felt like being for a bit. So, one of the changes was that I started posting pictures on the gram box regularly, and stopped even attempting to write here.

Second, I think I hit some kind of writer’s block/ boredom/ disenchantment as far as writing about food was concerned. I just couldn’t think about anything food related that I wanted to write about. Yes, I know how pretentious and borderline stupid that sounds, but it’s the way I felt. I did not want to write about my take on the chia bowl, or my adventures with non wheat flour baking, although I engaged in both. I felt a little bit like no one around me was eating real food anymore, and while I continued to cook and eat (of course!), I didn’t have much to say about it. So I didn’t. And yes, I know this is in part to spending too much time on Instagram.

Third, I started to question the validity of my posting here. It used to be that this was just something I did for me, giving me an outlet for my thoughts and maybe a bit of practice at writing, because we all know practice makes perfect. Ha! But after a few months of instantaneous likes on my Instagram posts, I started to feel a little miffed at not getting the same response here. Good old tree falling in the forest dilemma. Not sure why I couldn’t get past it, since it didn’t bother me before, but, there you have it.

Of course, after the extensive, although believe me, not exhaustive, rant, I guess I could have kept it a lot shorter and to the point: I’ve been neglecting my blog because of Instagram! But it’s never been my way to be quick and to the point, so I see no point in editing down this rant.

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Vegetarian Easter Pie (Drob)

1 lb mixed mushrooms (such as shiitake, cremini, oyster, button), finely chopped

1 bunch fresh dill, finely chopped

1 bunch parsley finely chopped

3 scallions, finely chopped

1 onion, finely chopped

2 hard boiled eggs, diced small

2 eggs well beaten

1 t fresh ground pepper

2 t salt, more to taste as needed

2 T olive oil

1 T butter

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Chop all the mushrooms, including stems, and place together in a large bowl.

Chop the parsley and dill and place together in a bowl.

Heat the olive oil and butter in a large saute pan over medium heat. Add the chopped onion and scallions and cook until softened, about 2-3 minutes.

Add the mushrooms and salt, stir to combine, and cook until the mushrooms have released all their moisture and any liquid has evaporated, about 5 minutes.

Add the dill, parsley and chopped hard boiled egg and stir to combine.

Remove from heat.

Beat the two eggs and add to the mixture, stirring to incorporate. Add salt and pepper and stir to combine, adding more salt if desired.

Coat the bottom and sides of a 9 inch pie dish with butter.

Pour the mushroom mixture into the pie dish and bake for 35 minutes or until the top begins to brown and the edges of the pie begin to come away from the pie dish.

Let cool to room temperature. Slice and serve with a green leafy salad - my favorite is torn butter lettuce leaves, red onion, and a simple red wine vinaigrette.

Cheesecake-like Pasca

1 32 oz container ricotta

1 oz cream cheese

1.5 T sour cream (optional)

4 eggs

1 cup raisins

4 t sugar

3.5 t vanilla sugar

zest from one lemon

rum (optional) or water

5 sheets phyllo dough

2 T butter, melted

*Note: This is less sweet than a typical cheesecake, although the raisins provide added pops of sweetness. You may want to taste the mixture after adding them to decide if you want to add more sugar than the recipe calls for.

Bring the rum to a low simmer over medium low heat. Remove from heat and pour over raisins in a small bowl, enough to cover the raisins with liquid. Cover with a small plate and set aside to steep, at least an hour. Drain the raisins very well in a fine mesh strainer. Follow the same steps with water if using instead of rum.

Preheat oven to 380 degrees F.

In a large bowl, using a hand mixer on low speed, mix together the cheeses, sour cream (if using), sugars and lemon zest.

Beat the eggs in, one at a time, until well incorporated.

Stir in the well drained raisins. Set mixture aside.

Brush the bottom and sides of a low 10 inch pie dish with melted butter. Layer a sheet of phyllo dough in the dish, centering it as well as possible, and press lightly so the dough adheres to the dish. Brush with melted butter, turn the dish slightly clockwise, and repeat with the next sheet of phyllo, brushing with butter again. Repeat until all phyllo sheets are in the dish and brushed with butter. Trim any excessive overhang around the pie dish, but leave some in order to be able to fold it around the filling.

Gently pour the cheese mixture into the prepared pie dish. Going around the pie dish, fold any phyllo overhang, almost as if braiding it over the edge of the filling, to create a bit of a decorative element. Brush the top of this braid with some melted butter.

Bake for 40 to 55 minutes, until the edges of the dough are browned, and the filling has become solid and slightly puffed.

Remove from oven, allow to cool to room temperature, slice and serve. It may take a while for the pie to cool to room temperature.