#i WANT to know but i dont have the time or money to spend on it
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what pains me is that it’s basically impossible to be up to date with all doctor who/torchwood lore because of the audiodramas - like, i adore them and im so grateful they exist but it’s impossible to listen to all of them so i’ll never know every single piece of lore or the complete timeline
#it’s like buying infinite dlc for a game you already payed 60€ for#i WANT to know but i dont have the time or money to spend on it#torchwood#doctor who#rant#big finish
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everything about Gavriil feels suffocating.
how his presence alone can be almost overwhelming, how his massive body cages you everytime without a chance to escape. you wouldn't dare to try anyway, knowing that you don't even have a say against a creature of his caliber. he will find you. in your dreams, in your nightmares. in your room.
how he will be intense and vague about everything just for the sake of it; to confuse you further, to see the conflict of emotions in your eyes merge with arousal. eventually your hesitance turns into acceptance, a desperate need to feel his hands all over you. and he will be oh so grateful to fulfill that desire.
how his thick tongue pushes past your lips and into your mouth, reaching almost the back of your throat, relishing in the muffled little sounds you make. your drool mixed with his saliva drips down your chin, and your hazy eyes look up at him when he finally pulls away, giving you a second to breathe.
how his hips are slamming into you relentlessly, your wetness and lack of resistance allowing him to move almost effortlessly. forced to hold onto him for dear life instead of pushing away. all of your morals and principles are being tossed out of the window every single time he comes to you. he has you where he wants you, and will not stop until he feels like you can't take it anymore.
and how in the morning he vanishes away, leaving you guessing: was it just another wet dream? but the cold stickiness between your legs tells you more than you need to know.
#yes bringing this back bc at the time i didn't tag it properly#okay im gonna complain in here now.#need... to... draw... something... but i dont... have the strength..#drawing on my phone is so exhausting but i have no other option#bc i think my traditional art is not very polishedddd and i dont want to answer asks with ittttt#but maybe i will#bc i think i'm really getting to that burnout#and giving how my bday is getting closer and closer....#i dread it. but hey. cake. money. i'll get a new piercing#i WILL cry ofc but hey. maybe someone will buy me tea as a gift. who knows.#i just want to spend some time with someone yknow:(#just... talk. about anything. sit beside eachother and stare off into the waters#i hope the snow will melt soon because i want to go out more even if by myself#gonna find a job when summer comes... maybe talking to colleagues and all that will help... everythings gonna be fine.. i hope#i just need friends. god.#microtya's kids#microtya: gavriil#monsterfucker#monster fucker#monster x human#monster boyfriend#monster lover#teratophillia#god x human#monster smut
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i genuinely dont get how so many people are uncritically excited for The Movie and have no issue with anything going on here i feel like im losing my mind a little bit . the trailers did not look good to me at all is everyone excited about it posting from an alternate dimension or something what are people seeing in this movie that im not .
#and i say this as someone whos standards are usually not that high and can have fun with most sonic media and liked the first 2 movies......#all i can feel is disappointment at how bad a job theyre doing at adapting sa2 and the disservice to certain characters/concepts#(obviously thats just based on the trailers i havent seen the movie and refuse to spend money on it so i cant give afull judgement#but the trailers certainly dont give a very good impression of the movie to me)#and before anyone says that its not an sa2 movie.theyre taking a lot of plot points and characters from sa2#and taking a lot of stuff from sa2 and using it in the marketing and such#they cant do all that and then go ''um actually its not an sa2 movie youre crazy for expecting an sa2 movie LOL''#i also wasnt expecting an exact recreation of sa2 either i would have bene fine with changes#but stuff like having gerald be alive and take rouge's spot in the dark story trio and making him a more comedic character#is ridiculous and feels inherently disrespectful to the source material#and thats not even getting into how it feels like im always hearing about some new awful thing#that paramount or one of the actors did which just makes me not wanna give them my money or time even more#sighhh i honestly just want this all to be over alerady and for the hype to die down so ican stop hearing about the movie#but i know its going to make one billion dollars and theyre just going to make more movies after this. hell on earth .
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drawings ive done this week for a competition!! probably the most ambitious thing ive drawn in my new style but im very happy with them! :3
#mine#original#u hve no idea how small my brain is now#i will probably take th rest of the week off ough#i hope everyone is having a good time#im having a medium time but. i am getting there#ive ordered new prints!!!!! should be getting here next week i thnky#i need 2 order more business cards. my favourite thing to spend money on#its actually beginning to get sunny and warm so i will sit in the garden and read!!#im reading like. a murder mystery thing. its Just Okay#i read 'in memoriam' by alice somebody recently and OH BOY#i dont rlly know what im in the mood for book wise after this one....i might read the ninth rain ? ive heard good stuff abt it#part of me wants to read warrior cats bc i never read it as a kid but i think i'll b rlly autistic abt it so i am resisting currently#also i had porridge for breakfast this morning n put frozen blueberries in it n it made it purple....truly there is love in the world
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The born in Eastern Europe curse of knowing you were doomed from the start
#being told growing up that the west was an utopia thats got their shit together#and you spend your whole life dreaming of escaping your home country and finally getting to *live*#but then you grow older and maybe you travel a little and even study abroad and you read the news and you realise#that it's all a lie#no one got their shit together and the west is just as much of a shitshow except they have money and hide corruption better#and you're left with nowhere to go#double whammy when you're also queer#its just one of those days when you talk to your aunt who worked at a factory during soviet time and listening to her experiences#and realising that the cycle did not break the cycle is looming over your heaf#and also knowing that as a queer person you will be alone for it#personal#anyways fuck bulgaria this country will be the death of me and yet i dont want to die on foreign soil#i grew up here and yet i dont wanna grow old here too
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I just found a clinic nearby that does gender-affirming surgeries so top surgery might actually be a feasible thing for me in the near(ish) future
I found a job that seems to have all the stuff I liked from one of my last jobs without the extra bullshit I didn't (can't apply for it currently but that kind of job exists and that's reassuring)
Things might be starting to look up for me
#personal#i would have to use the money i saved up for college for the surgery and i dont know what kind of wait list they have going on#but i dont have enough money to get the kind of degree i want anyway here#so i might as well drop that money on something meaningful to me instead#not having much luck figuring out the getting back to therapy thing atm and im not going to assume these things on their own will fix me#but damn if they wouldn't help#and if i can get back into work i can move back in with my old roommate#(as far as i know my room's still available id just have to talk to him about it once ive got money to offer for bills again)#and with this kind of 'stay at home until there's work' job itll mean im not spending all my energy trying to survive the day#so i should still have some left over for doing the things i love doing (without having to worry about those things being able to make mone#god i havent felt this hopeful about my prospects in a long fucking time#maybe i can still make a place for myself
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the only real vivid memory i had of my dad for like 20+ years was being probbaly 7 years old and him showing me his newest tattoo which was his new girlfriend posing naked inside a beer bottle and there were points in my life where I thought I must have made that up its so foggy it's probably not real and having met him again for the first time since that moment I realized nope. that was real. tattoo is still there.
#very strange to live your whole life not having a father and then just having one agai. out of the blue#very strange when i know its more emotional for him but for me its just like. oh heres some guy.#anyway i dont want the mustang now i want the pontiac#i actually do vaguely remember that car from my childhood too#i dont think its running anymore tho but god its pretty#the mustang actually runs and hes put a lot of money into it#but its an 08 so it doesnt look as cool#tho he did spend a lot of time explaining the 08 model looks the closest to the older models etc etc#but he put the ugliest hood on it yeesh#anyway im not necessarily doing this just to lay claim to cars dkskxkkdkd but#you know. its possibly a perk
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I'm trying to pick a major that I would be the most interested in just because it would make my life so much easier and right now I have like three ideas and they all have a million problems
#like bioengineering. that sounds great right#id make good money with even just a bachelors degree#but i dont want to be stuck with that my whole life. that doesnt sound fun to me and engineering is supposed to be a miserable major#AND MINOR#and its a relatively new field so not a lot of places near me have it. and the places that DO have it are crazy expensive#i want to get a degree in linguistics because thats something that sounds fun to me. i would enjoy that#im good with english and language#but what can i really do with a linguistics degree? and im not good at learning other languages so i couldnt be an interpreter as much as i#would enjoy it#i kind of want to go for theatre tech stuff but. idk there arent really any buts but is that really realistic for me? i stopped doing tech#in freshman year because people were kind of mean. im a quitter and theyre not going to like that and i havent done anything related#in so long so really what are the chances i get accepted for that#i know people who tech for bands make pretty good money and they have fun#i lied theres four#i could do geology something but thats broad and also the best school for it in the state is UF.#im NOT going to UF. i would rather die. its a personal grudge. also they suck and barely accept anybody even though the school SUCKS AND IT#SO EXPENSIVE FOR NO REASON#i wanted to do marine bio two years ago but theres soooo many problems with that. including ticks#I HATE TICKS#“but joel. isnt it MARINE science? there arent ticks in the ocean” YOURE WRONG. TICKS ARE EVERYWHERE. also marine bio has a lot to do with#marshes and there ARE ticks in marshes. and maritime hammocks where id be spending a lot of time. you would not believe the amount of ticks#ive gotten from my marine bio and environmental management classes. its so many. so many ticks
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I need something to change for the better as of like a week ago or else I might as well just never get out of bed again
#im so fucking tired of this shit man#like why did i have to be put in this piece of shit body#everything fucking hurts all the time i have to be very wary about what i eat my brain fucking sucks#like the autism chronic bipolar depression anxiety ptsd combination is wild#who fucking approved that#im exhausted im defeated im tired im just done with this#if im unemployed i wont have insurance for my shitty shitty body#but ill be a little happier#and if i work ill have money for insurance but literally almost zero life enjoyment#i spend my entire weekend sleeping#because im in pain and tired#i dont know what to do anymore#im tired of being asked what people can do to help or make it better#i dont fucking know#just kill me man i dont know what you want me to say#my goals all feel horrifically unobtainable#i dont want to do any of this anymore
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worried for some nikki players ngl
#if u dont have the money to burn and u know ur an impulsive spender#this is a sign to step back and try to AT LEAST budget before u spend thousands of dollars u dont have#u dont need to complete all the limited outfits! dont let the fomo get u...#the thing is i wouldnt have pulled at all in this first banner if it werent for the limited crystals#and the fomo really strikes for people when they start pulling at all#i actual saw that they have a monthly pass from the subreddit#so im gonna go ahead and do that cause a monthly fee isnt too bad to me#do the monthly pass if u wanna spend and save up over time#and only pull for stuff u REALLY REALLY want#not kinda want#or thats cute#like only mermaid tail tier stuff lol#that was a good tactic for me in lads#i dont wanna tell people to stop playing the game cause it has a lot of good stuff in it#but like...yea#ik gacha elements at all is not something every person can avoid#and usually limited time pulls dont really do anything to me#i just use them and go oh well if i dont get anything#but even i was like....hmm for a second lol#checking to see if i got more limited pulls#when i usually dont do that ever#so yea be careful#infinity nikki
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i've largely ignored the mythological rituals until very recently bc i never did enough damage to bother trying
got my first drop today :]
#well i got a crown of greed last time but this is the first one i got from fighting#my magic find is. So Low. i need to figure out how to get it a little higher#without spending all the coins i dont have kgjhf#i mean a big one would probably be. having the daedalus axe. im working on it jkghf#chimera 5 divine gift having all my talismans recombed i know there's stuff like that#but im on a limited budget bc money grinding annoys me lol#daedalus axe will probably be my last magic find bonus for a while :P#i could just buy the other stick it's just 10m but i wanted to get at least one of them on my own just for the accomplishment of it#might buy the other one tomorrow :0#chat#sb
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ok good night butchlifeguard nation
#i am determined to do nothing at school tomorrow. if you want me to do something honestly get over yrself#(guy who has 2 honors and 2 ap classes tomorrow)#i might get to eat alone tomorrow which is nice. its just weird being On all the time#my engineering design class literally has a grade for being on#plus i just need to find something more entertaining to do at school than be on my phone or do work#so when i finish 8path (i think soon?) im getting the mobile game#if i ever post about spending money on it yall have to bully me. but ill see how it is without paying#if you dont know how adhd works: did you see that transition from 'im going to sleep' to 'i have hard classes' to 'video game'#literally a born yapper
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cant get a better job cant not be in pain cant get a good nights rest. lol.
#maybe i gotta die dog idk whatll make things better#i cant Do this anymore#i just want to not be in fucking pain all ghe time#its always worse at night#and its just gotten progressively more unbearable#and i cant get into physical therapy til december#and i want a job that doesnt make me hurt worse#and pays me better#but i wont ever fucking get one unless i have a higher education#and i cant get that bc i dont make enough fucking money#and i have to spend who knows how much to get us health insurance bc ours is running out soon#and still NO FUCKING POWER.#i dont want to do this anymore i dont have it fucking in me man
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 4: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
The winning option of yesterday's poll was that the adventurer should offer the Well Creature some bread and soup ….
"Completely unsure how to even begin to interact with the strange creature from the well, The Adventurer recalls reading in a book once that 'food is a universal language', or uh.. something like that.. thus, some hearty soup and bread would surely bridge any communication barriers... probably. He serves the little cannister of broth cold, straight from his bag just dumped into a wooden bowl, mostly because he's far too nervous to try and start a fire with someone watching.. hopefully they won't mind the food not being warmed..
After gently placing a single bread roll next to the soup, he steps back, gesturing towards the meal with an uncertain smile. The creature pauses, sniffs around, then promptly disappears back into the darkness. Just as The Adventurer begins to sulk over his apparent rejection, something stirs behind him... With a rush of creaking and plopping noises, the creature resurfaces, revealing it's massive serpent-like body as it hoists itself over the crumbled stone of the well's edge with it's many arms. It cracks open it's mighty jaw just far enough for a tiny blue tongue to slither out, then politely slurps at the soup, delicate enough not to spill any.
Stumbling backwards in shock, The Adventurer simply sits there staring the entire time whilst the creature happily (and rather quickly) enjoys their meal... Seemingly appreciative of his kind offerings, another strange slinking arm creeps up from the depths of the well, daintily opening a velvet sack with it's claws and laying out a small assortment of items onto the grass. Still a bit shaken, but also never one to turn down a free gift, The Adventurer senses that the creature intends for him to take any single item of his choosing... but, which one?"
#paventure posting#polls#choose your own adventure#what can I say.. I like the trope of a smaller creature actaully being a much larger scarier creature which you just dont see because the#creature is in a place/position where most of it's body is obscured lol#sometimes a little guy is actually secretly a much bigger guy of mysterious origins that spans the length of an entire#underground cave system obscured by the facade of a simple well#AND MOST important of all.. the cat is scared.. :( bapy...#also I hate writing for these it's so impossible for me to be short and simple with writing. I always want to make it#extremely detailed and 500 paragraphs long. Giving myself a limit of like 3 paragraphs and a time limit of 20 minutes#is actually impossible for my brain gjhbjhbhj#but I have to post it anyway otherwise I'd spend forever on it and never actually get these done but..hhhh#Just know I am going into my evil vampire library to collapse onto the fainting chair in anguish each time after I hit post#Telling a chronically longwinded details obsessive rambler to ''keep it short'' is like telling a cat not to meow. not to run around the#house at 3am. not to be round and perfect. It is simply against nature#ANYWAY. These items might be useful later. As he continues on his journey - he does indeed have an inventory in my mind#like he can lose and aquire things. has a limited amount of money. Can change his outfit or etc. depending on the choices#people make in the polls. These may not have an immediate purpose (though some can) they'll be factored in down the road
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Where else am I gonna rant if not to a group of random strangers that barely know me, right? So ofc I'm gonna rant here cuz these people have no idea who tf I am.
....turns out I have no words to explain how I'm feeling right now so I offer this emoji instead: 😔
#so i went to this 18th birthday aka debut of my friend and tbh its the first debut ive ever been to and i was rly looking forward to it#plan was to enjoy with my friends and all and i was also planning to get some ideas for my own debut whoch is two weeks after hers#tbh my debut is the bday that ive been looking forward to for basically my whole life cuz the other important ages i did absolutely nothing#for my first bday i was literally in the hospital so nothing there. in my seventh bday i cant even remember what happened. we went swimming?#so the 18th is what i always dreamt of. ive already told my moms this a couple hundred times and ive already thought out how i want it to go#then at the party i observed everything and i realized a lot of things. firstly that shit is expensive. while we used to have the money#no we dont and thats all just in the past now. second thing which i find the most disturbing is the amount of people#the debutante invites the special people in their life and while yes i do have those i dont think they can even reach the proper number#and also i rly cant see myself in that position yknow? being the center of atteaction with people telling you nice stuff abt how they like u#so thats made me quite sad that the bday ive always wanted is never gonna be mine. my biggest TOTGA...#at this point i just wanna spend my whole 18th wallowing in self pity and sadness. while i know my friends love me i dont rly think they#love me to the point of throwing me a lil party of our own like we did earlier this year to ine of our friends. im the spare friend i guess#and plus when i got home my paretns arent even talking to me or looking my way if not scolding me or getting mad at me#well IM SORRY i also didnt want to get stuck in the fckin road for A WHOLE HOUR while waiting for a ride home#and IM SORRY that im just wearing jeans to a debut. this is my frist fucking time going to a debut so how tf would i know???#plus a lot of people were just wearing casual so wtf 😒#all in all im sad and i want to go die
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