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redlemonz · 7 years

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Day #24

Not a great rush of adrenaline this morning, that's for sure. My heart beat is again unsteady and relatively quicker, and my breathing slowed. I can safely say that it was the result of some incredibly bad dreams, for the most part, which I'm trying my best to instantly forget so I can move on with my day. Not worth going into detail to remind myself and feel like shit, but it was essentially just a bunch of major things going downhill within family, friendships and even her - yes she made an appearance, surprisingly enough. All the damn blame from everything that was going wrong was absorbed by me. I couldn't help to think in these scenarios that if I were a better person to them, that I could've altered the ill fate suffered by my loved ones. Now I'm shaking at the thought of it, and even drawn a couple of tears because of the intensity of what I just suffered through. It's been extremely difficult to distinguish dreams from reality in that regard, because I'm the same, bad person in each universe. I'm actually struggling a bit more this morning from the after effects of those dreams, and my breathing hasn't stabilised after a while - genuinely thinking there's a possibility of fainting, which would be nice if it were back in my bed. It's hot and and cold at the same time. I'm drawing a bit of anxious sweat through what feels like a fire inside me. It's sort of like a similar feeling to having a fever in a way, but an anxiety fever. Have even resulted to attempting to breathe through my mouth as a substitute but that's only raising the heart beat. Fun times in the weak struggle. Can't find the balance this morning and so I'm not looking forward to the rest of the day ahead, especially as I'll be stuck in a team meeting the entirety of the day. The day dreams that will fill up the time will have my head fixated on her as usual. Day 24 - A coin & a clock I received a special coin today that I forgot I purchased, which one of three at work ordered online on behalf of me about a month ago. It's special because it's a double sided coin, which depicts only heads on both sides, and has the word 'liberty' engraved into it, along with the design print of the famous sculpture in New York City. It's intriguing because it's utilised by a rather famous comic book villain (yup, comic books - more fantasies, surprise) who determines the fate of his victims with the flip of that very coin, which means that they're ultimately doomed either way because they don't actually receive the equal chance they're led into falsely believing that they're entitled to in the circumstance. That's the interesting factor - the false hope that is generated for the soul who doesn't have knowledge upon the fact that their future has already been decided for them. It makes you realise that liberty is nothing more than an imaginative term, a living irony promoted by society that's suppose to make you believe that you have this false sense of freedom. It's achieved well enough too, considering we're mostly all brainwashed to some degree and follow the norms and conventions created by our societies to live life as the sheep we are. That's just one man's opinion though, and I understand that it's quite generalised and doesn't actually apply to each individual - just the majority, who are "drowning in the mainstream" as one of her hipster jokes would go. This new piece of memorabilia I have acquired is a reminder to me that I'll always be stuck in my ill-fated sadness in the end, no matter what choices I make in the present. That this road will eventually lead to a cliff with no remaining bridge to cross, no matter what temporary happiness may be found on the way. I'll never be able to get to the other side of the bridge.. where she resides. I managed to take my friend anxiety, to the gym this evening, so we could both get pumped up to a whole new level. Certainly you could note that it took me a lot of willpower which I didn't know existed at this stage, to go a second time within the week already - haven't done that for a while due to my fears of breaking down. I don't really know what to say, except for that my heart break is currently being re-lived greatly right now due to my nemesis, time, reminding me that it's been exactly 4 weeks tonight since I received a message from her asking to talk the next day of Armageddon. Even worse, the last time I had any contact with her was Monday - three days ago, which again specifically resembles the gap in which in that past time we did not communicate either. My mind is determined in just finding any fucking excuse at this point to link events, coincidences and any resemblances it can find to remind me of the pain from that moment. Sadly, it's working well in it's favour because it's in my nature to be accustomed to thoughts like this. I remember thinking that everything was going so well, and that she finally listened and understood me with the pain I uncomfortably had to openly express with her on several occasions (especially recently at the time), and that I would just give her some space and time to take that chance on me finally. But little did I know that she was only being friendly and polite (as is in her sweet nature), when asking to speak to me the next day, because I had no fucking clue that not only did she break her promise, but she would break my heart and end us. Supposedly the three days felt like a lifetime apart and she actually lived a joyous life in that time, which means she didn't need and/or want me anymore. In my head I was just speechless and in shock, so I remember going absolutely insane with my over the top friendliness in that moment. That's because I had fucked up enough, and finally clicked then and there as soon as she had enough, how I had been behaving and mistreating her that whole time. I was constantly overreacting and poisoning her life with my unnecessary insecurities and problems, so she justifiably finally decided to dispose of the negativity in her life, i.e. me. Since that precise moment, it all started crashing down on me about what I had done, and to this very day I'm still in shock (hence the recurring madness) about how it all played out and I suddenly went from what felt like everything to nothing - with a single phone call. Here I was, ready to be the happiest guy alive (I cannot emphasise how much I was looking forward to this moment, with all the hope in the world) as I thought my insecurity of being hidden from her family was going to be finally over. Nope - It was the exact opposite. My world turned upside down, and so did my head and heart along with it. So here I am, an even more broken shell of a man - if I ever were a man, rather than just a boy to begin with (that'd probably even be a compliment at this point with the immaturity I displayed). But hey, it's more than fair enough. It's what I deserve for mistreating her the way I did. To be honest, I was never really good enough for her to begin with, and I'm sure she always knew that too - which is why she always had doubts about us from the very beginning anyway, and continuously rejected me. I very much do appreciate that she tried for me, and for us as a whole though, as she really did put in so much more than I think even she was expecting, prepared to, and thought that she ever would. I guess I can only hope now that I brought her some happiness above all the pain and trouble I caused her, and that she'll continue to cherish that good part of what we were (wonderful weekend + sick-day monday was beautiful in that regard). And I hope that she's happy now too.. It's been basically four weeks after all, and she's not usually one to be stuck in the past for long so yeah. All I can continue to do now is accept all my mistakes, and learn through all this torturous pain and punishment, even though I tried my best - I just didn't succeed (fuck off again, Coldplay). It's all so excruciating right here, right now though, as I've honestly lost the will to simply try with stuff, I guess. I may as well confess that in my weakness I even messaged her just before, asking how her week's been, but haven't heard back from her in these couple hours. At least she's living a busier life and properly moving on unlike the loser I am, whining about my fucking feelings. I suppose these are all pretty standard confessions of a broken heart though too, yeah? Likely. I'm just being a naive asshole - nothing new. She doesn't owe me any time or attention anymore, and she never did. Whether it be a tangible object or a memory, everything seems to find its way into being my enemy these days, because my mind chooses for it to be. Oh well - my pit is getting a bit dry, tonight's a night better than any to water it with some tears.

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