#hyperaware that theyre out of it but no less out of it

[wackywatchdotcom]

i think with how pomni is shown to dissociate that it is easily assumed that its always a big deal but frankly she probably spends a lot of time at least a little out of it and i also wonder if she gets like. hyperaware of this

[dapperprincess]

It's actually astonishing billionaires in US hold massive wealth.

Why are people not killing them?

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a prison. This prison has about ten guards to every one hundred prisoners. The prisoners could easily overcome the guards and break out, right? Like, the guards have more elaborate weapons, but still the prisoners could band together and topple them if they were willing to die for their freedom.

The guards know this.

So what does the person in charge do? They implement a “good time” program. People who are serving shorter sentences (say, less than 30 years) have a real chance at reducing their sentence. Someone is charged with 30 or even 40 years? If they get their “good time” then they may only be serving 15 or 20 years. It’s still a long time, but to contextualize it: a 22 year old is arrested and given 40 years. They will be released when they are 62. If they work towards “good time” they will be released when they are 42. Do you understand the insane difference between those two possibilities?

Now this alone isnt quite enough, so the person in charge implements additional sentences as well. Now if a prisoner does something “wrong” or more accurately something a guard finds chargeable, more time can be added on. Someone who only got 5 years could end up staying in prison for 10 if they get into fights or are seen around the wrong types of people.

The final touch? Divide to conquer. Someone with a life sentence, and therefore no interest in good time or fear of additional sentences will be paired with someone who gets out in 5 years. There may be a person serving 1 year, another serving 30, and another serving life all in one cell. The lifer may just become willing to sacrifice themselves for their own and others’ freedoms, but the 30 yearer is trying to get out in 15 and the 1 yearer doesnt want any extra time added on, so they wont even listen to the lifer when they start talking about how “there’s more of us than there is of them” theyd probably even turn him in if it meant good time.

This doesnt resolve the whole problem for the guards, of course, theyre still hyperaware of just how much power the prisoners hold. So the guards go around busting up any groups of people who stay around each other for too long, and they certainly get upset and issue additional charges for “mixed groups” aka if the mexicans and the black people start hanging out too often (once) then the guards will issue additional charges and turn the two groups against each other. Race politics are used constantly. White supremacy is fostered so that the white supremacist group refuses to work with the other groups.

The cherry on top? The guards arent in charge. The person in charge I’ve references is. In our analogy they would be the billionaires. The prisoners literally never see the person in charge. All they see if guards making their life hell. All guards see are prisoners making their life hell for way too little pay.

Both thinks the other does it out of some sick joy of hating the other party, and as the prophecy self-fulfills, some of them actually do.

If the billionaire in our analogy is the one in charge, then the guards are police. They have a system by which they pit all americans against each other, especially down racial lines. This is exacerbated by people targeting “mixed groups” as uniquely dangerous (cant have people finding out that we’re all the same) so that some people blame the cops while most blame the other group. We are all the prisoners, although I would say our “sentences” are more akin to when we get to stop working.

People dont want to kill a billionaire if they think they’re one year from retirement. Or ten years. Maybe if I’m extra good the billionaire will give me enough money to stop working a little early. I saw it happen for a friend.

People who dont see an end in sight (lifers) may become willing to shoot a billionaire (see the case adjuster) but the average person is told that these people lost everything by their own fault. If you avoid them and stay nothing like them, you’ll be fine.

Imagine what would happen if the prisoners and guards took off their markings and realized theyre all human? Realized that the person in charge is causing all this grief for all of us? I dont know.

[intertexts]

OKAY NHW THOUGHTS. SUFFER WITH ME !!!!

having a lot of thoughts and feelings as always about how virion sees himself as the one who has to be strong, who has to be the one to protect the other two . dakota may have had his powers for longer, but virion has more field experience. he's been trained how to fight his whole life. his family prepared him for this since the day he could stand on his own two feet. it's so deeply ingrained into him, he knows the ins and outs of cape politics, and while he may be an outsider in new haven he had plenty of experience in fauna and how much different can the two cities really be? I feel like he's faaaar less trustful of the heroes, can kind of see through their bullshit when it happens, but he doesn't make a move because now he has a team, now he has people he loves again, and he would do anything to keep them safe even if that means putting up with bureaucratic nonsense. he's got that vigilante blood in him!!! idk how long he was on his own but even if it was as short as a few months that's still PLENTY of time to pick up terrible habits in the name of keeping on his toes, keeping himself safe. gotta keep moving constantly. can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, and the sleep he does get is VERY light. only ever wearing dark clothes and covering his face even out of costume. constantly keeping at least one concealed weapon on him. being SO hyperaware of any sound or sudden movement in the general vicinity. when hes with the other two he always places himself in the middle between them so he can easily grab both of them if he needs to. maybe walking a half step behind them to watch their backs. always situates himself with clear view of any doors/windows whenever theyre in an enclosed space. etc etc you see my vision!!!!!

im just thinking abt like... the first time william and dakota see him Without All That Tension. he probably looks like a totally different person! the whole time they've known him he's been this stoic quiet intimidating presence, he always stays awake longer than either of them so they've never seen him sleep. after one too many all-nighter volunteer patrols he passes on pizza for dinner and gets home before either of them. when they walk in later (leftover pizza for him ofc) and see him passed out fast asleep on the couch it almost takes them a second to recognize him . who is this.. soft faced *boy* curled up in a loose ball facing the door in their living room!! what if this is where williams crush really kicks in and becomes Real- he desperately wants to be able to make virion comfortable enough around him to make him look like that again. william is just frozen in the doorway staring at him, studying him, trying to commit the whole scene to memory, so dakota is the one who steps forward to put a blanket over him. virion wakes up IMMEDIATELY at this and the moment is kind of broken and he thanks them for the pizza and everything's back to normal but now they KNOW. do you SEE my vision here.

I hope ur malaise is a little better sorry this took me like an hour and a half to type i had 2 keep pausing bc I was getting emotional thinking about them auaghaguyghh

ohh having so many emotions about him.... yeah..... yeah..... the cape world is all he's ever known! of course he's more experienced, cynical, knows the procedures and conventions and lies better than they do. he's maybe the only one of them who's killed before. i think it fucks him UP to realize he loves william & dakota. how can he trust them? he does, he can't choose not to, but i think he's very scared for a very long time that they're going to betray him like his father betrayed his friends. "they sound like they really mean it" yeah well. so did his dad!! honestly i think it's a kind of let it happen situation. he thinks about it for a while and goes well. it's not like i have anything else. this, right now, is nice, so if i end up dead in my sleep about it? whatever. i like them. they're allowed. he's constantly waiting in the back of his mind for the cold gun to the back of his head while theyre hugging or a knife to his throat on the couch during a movie or for them to detour into a dark alley while they're walking somewhere. and it takes a very long time for him to lose this mindset. it would fuck the other two UP if they knew but he's very good at hiding it, both the fear & the decision to just let them do it, if they want to. virion sol willing vulnerability looks like anyone else's efficient dangerous capability and hypervigilance. (i think they Should find out that their best friend is always waiting for them to kill him. that would be a lot.)

anyway. distracted!! in my mind he was a rogue for at least, like, around a year. so much time for bad habits to sink in! the thing ive been thinking about is like, he never really had to be subtle? he's so good at disappearing into nowhere & being a sneaky ass creep on the job, he's alright at lying and social engineering if there was a situation where it was necessary, but he never like... had a civilian life! to him it was fine if he was mostly perceived as a thug or a contractor or just as suspicious as "deftly moving masked figure in black checking all the entrances to the coffee shop as he sits down or buying zip ties and gorilla tape and kerosene at lowes" implies. so like i think their manager or boss or handler has to go "hey dude you need to like. Not be walking exactly a step behind your friends checking your surroundings wherever u go. please stop moving like you're getting ready for a fight. it directs so much attention to u u are in high school ur supposed to be a kid ur setting off so many red flags!"& he doesn't really get it. and it's a thing.

ill over everything ur saying here btw!!!! actually fucked up over them seeing him without all those walls and facades & constant tension!! oh christ!! he's so intimidating even when he's not trying and knows so much and is so good at what they do-- he's. actually their age? he's really just some teenager like them? the crackling anxiety and hypervigilance aren't, just, like, part of him? all the tense lines and angles of him soften into just-- something normal and loose and comfortable?? that fic when???

[moomoomooing]

mild rant? mostly thoughts :)

yk ive just not been a fan of how quickly my mood and possible depression is flipping from eberythings fine and im only a little stressed but its ok! to jesus fuck let me rot (projects and deadlines are suddenly piled up and its overwhelming, but i also feel like this when i have nothing i can do)

i try to keep on a shower schedule cause of my class times (i have night classes half of the days so i shower on my off days) but it means i gotta be nasty for a day on sunday till i shower that night. and i never have the willpower to go to the studio feeling nasty,,, even if it wouldve been great to get work done and satiate the restlessness i get from being in my dorm all day

but i didnt and now im plagued with guilt and more stress/ anxiety yippees

on another note my roommate is really REALLY good at finding ALL of my triggers for anxiety or fight or flight responses. so far they nailed using my mirror/being TOO close to my belongings without asking (they eventually asked and i gave permission out of being nice but i severely dislike it and it makes me hyperaware of everything she does when i hear her close to my dresser). they got my i will tense up and not breathe till its over response to alarm sounds (i hate them theyre incredibly anxiety inducing and i always wake up before my alarm usually out of fear. thankfully now my alarms a last resort/reminder of time if i dont wake up early). and!! they let the door slam (boo loud noises), are constantly on a call they often dont wear earbuds for and talk really loudly half the time, or is on call past 12 am (i feel intrusive and also please i cant sleep if youre on call)

theres also other general icks that are hopefully getting better? im noticing less of smth that i hate that they do (its a not cleaning after yourself type deal) but it could just be coincidence

oh also im trying to apply for jobs (remote part-times or internships) and frankly im scared. the reason it took me so long to get a job in highschool was also straight fear and anxiety lmao

i would love money tho (pssst i have commissions open :D)

OW SHARP RINGING NOISE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM????????? ALL OF THE WHITE NOISE DISSAPEARED AND ITS ONLY THAT

anyways i got another strike of hypersensitive skin??? no idea what causes it but it made the underneath of my forearm feel like i scraped it across concrete. 0/10 i didnt have a pleasant showering experience

oh on a better note being so far removed from my family and the fact we basically never call or text has been quite freeing

its like when i was actually at public highschool and had agency over myself in a way i didnt have when my mom was around (basically her presence was usually STRESS)

on a lesser note i havent been talking with my two other friends (ill call em the trio, them plus me) and its been kinda radio silence from everyone? i havent exactly been great either but my infrequent requests for vcs are usually ignored or not responded too which sucks. it makes me more paranoid than id like to be

our time difference definitely makes it way harder too tho, im ahead by a few hours. ik weve gone months without talking before then picked it right back up, but im always scared during the radio silence anyways

im always scared and curious abt other ppls opinions on me, usually the ppl i consider friends. ik one of my friends likes me? but their friends (the 4 of us will be rooming together next year, theyre also technically my friends but my usually point of contact with them is through my friend) i cant tell how much they like me? its probably my unfamiliarity with them but it makes me nervous for no reason

anyways if you actually read all of this, sorry for taking away your time? i reccomend soft gepard x sampo (hsr) fics to soothe the mind, theyre cute.

also hey haha if youre one of the two friends, literally the nickels, are reading this? erase it from your mind please and thanks

[sirikyu]

Sun and Moon and character dynamics - a.k.a Ash’s unbelievably many varied types of friendships in this series like holy s

sit down friend, i am about to ramble on about sun & moon’s brilliance in its character writing. i center this mostly around ash because he’s my fave. i love all of them but i have biases from my childhood and i tend to gravitate towards main charact- i mean anyway here we go. (warning: gettin a bit personal but not in a negative way)

one of my many fave things about sun and moon are the characters. the entire main crew of classmates are all different and fun in the own individual ways and they all manage to hold an episode very well, even though they rarely have to do that (and that’s good, because it’s a story about friends and support and family!! never put them alone to deal with a new, scary situation tbh, that’s too dark for me). everyone in the main cast have all managed as the emotional core of the episode, not necessarily because they are all very likeable, which definitely isn’t necessary for good storytelling, but i’d argue that it’s valuable especially in children’s tv, showing good people making mistakes and showing how far a supportive environment goes to help them over that. every individual dynamic between ash and another member of the sumo team is so unique to each other. ash isn’t at the forefront of everything, he’s not “the” main protagonist, and he isn’t what makes this series compelling, but he IS an excellent tether between this group of friends to me, personally, and i think this show has a lot of new ash content i haven’t gotten in many, many series run (ash is great, alright? you guys are just mean.)

im especially glad of sophocles’ and ash’s friendship because their complementary differences are in such a good balance, and i have such a soft spot for sophocles. sophocles is smart and not-sporty, but he isn’t a know-it-all stereotype. i was afraid there would inevitably be a fat joke or nerdy joke, but i don’t remember seeing anything too demeaning or harmful in the light tone they handle sophocles’ nerdiness and roundness. i still remember watching the very early episode where ash and sophocles are still getting to know each other and they get stuck in the mall. even before all the fun character beats as they scramble in the dark (and get short with each other) in that episode, i remember with GREAT fondness when sophocles was very hesitant to admit he’s in the mall to indulge in ice cream. he’s shy about his sweet tooth! i found the excecution very delicate and sweet (pardon the pun), because i don’t think i’ve related in that specific way to a character before in a show? because being fat means that there is an awkwardness and hyperawareness whenever you so much as think about stepping into the candy aisle, and sophocles not wanting to admit to his new classmate-soon-to-be-friend that he’s indulging was, deliberately written that way or not, very real. (not to be a sophocles stan, but he’s a good kid and deserves everything good since episode 1).

but i digress. sophocles steps in to teach his classmates sometimes because he loves learning. he rarely acts condescending to his friends. be the everyman in some crazy situations ash and others get into sometimes (that shrinking episode?? it’s still one of my favourites mostly because of the group of characters they chose for the main conflict. the daredevil pokemon loving duo that is lillie and ash vs. sophocles’ anxiety about the hectic and kinda perilous situation!! it was hilarious). sophocles, to me, seems to value ash’s friendship for similiar reasons clemont used to, in XY. it seems more warm and mutual in this series, thanks to ash’s characterisation. sophocles saves ash in several occasions, which, just! hello!! is the best thing and i love that all these kids are heroes and worthy of admiration. they also remain good. theyre all good. all rangers are equally important. they’re all amazing. okay? alright.

its heartwarming and supportive. they also are like, bonded through their main pokemon being electric mice. isn’t that the cutest?

ash and kiawe on the other hand, they’re a powerhouse couple that egg each other on. they push each other forward and have similiar sense of drive towards pokemon and battles. ever since kiawe gave hint that he battles he found common ground with ash. also he’s such a goofball who gets SUPER emotional about so many things (his sister!! mountains!! determined people!! so many things! he cries openly!) even though he comes across as serious at first, which kind of gives us a character with some similiar traits to ash but who couldn’t ever be mistaken for ash’s personality. they both get fired up in tandem about competing, but they also come from very different lives and backgrounds. I don’t ever think to compare their dynamic to anything else, they’re really unique! they are also mutually supportive, but it has a distinct flavor compared to sophocles and ash. maybe kiawe is a little bit more relatable to ash because of their similiar interest in battling and competing?

ash and lillie are super lovely and i like that lillie has her own story that ash is driven to help her with. and they are similiar in their excitement about pokemon (and yet, in a wholly different way than ash and kiawe are?? lillie has great drive in wanting to help pokemon with knowledge and books, because a hands-on approah wasn’t possible to her in so long, but i think when sophocles learns about stuff, it’s his studious nature and interest in tiny details.) and self-sacrificing hero-type stuff. we got to see lillie fulfill her potential after she figured out her way through her trauma, and we could see that out of her shell, lillie and ash are super similiar, AGAIN in a different way from the others, but never in a less important way. lillie is just a ray of sunshine. she also knows he limitations and works toward overcoming them. her and ash’s frienship comes from going through some very important and life-changing things together. i think ash really wanted lillie to be able to touch pokemon because it’s important to him and it clearly used to be to lillie, which he realises when he sees her old photos.

ash and mallow have this very sweet and family-oriented sibling relationship. they’re not often paired up but i think the times they are, they remind me of my sister and me, which is such a big part of my love for mallow, even if she doesn’t get imo enough spotlight in the big plots. on the other hand, her personal journeys within her own family are so good i cannot be mad at anything. she guides, she’s patient, she’s enhusiastic in a similiar way to ash, but has a more level head. but she also eggs her friends on with her boundless energy. the more i think about her, the more i love her. mallow is awesome!! not least of all, she has such good relationships toward her female classmates. she’s nosy and protective, but not in a smothering way. she’s very supportive and very good at it. (the episode with the mom? killed me.) the way she takes care of her peers in the school is amazing.

ash and lana are both adventurous, i think they really like to get in trouble together lol. lana is also strong and they both ooze main character material with the way they have with pokemon in the wild. it’s awesome. i kind of feel like these two could use a more emotional episode together, but i think i’ll have plenty to be emotional about when this crew parts ways :(((

i made myself sad, but i can confidently say that this show has the most unique and varied and developed set of characters and character dynamics of all pokemon, in a cast this size. the fact that they’re good friends and have none of that bordering-on-mean banter from any of the previous seasons is in fact, a big bonus for me. i love this class, i wish i could hang out in alola indefinitely.

[anyhao-archived]

5 things tag meme

alright i was tagged by @actualprincejun (sorry this is so late! you’re the real mvp always tagging me in stuff ilu) to do the 5 things.... tag meme! this is gonna end up being long bc i tend to babble so i’ll put it under a readmore

5 things you’ll find in my bag:

it depends on if you mean backpack or purse. i’ll go with backpack bc that’s more interesting lol i’ll always have 

1) professional stuff like my wallet, school ID, textbooks, etc. along with a million pencils. seriously. idk why i have so many of them?? also my glasses

2) headphones, for obvious reasons lol i dont go anywhere w/o them. 

3) a pack of gum bc god knows i cant go through life without gum lol also for that reason where you can offer gum to people you dont know to socialize with them, PRO TIP FOR ALL YOU ENTERING COLLEGE bring gum so you can give some to your neighbors in class/partners, they’ll like you much better i promise. dont wait for them to ask, offer!!! 

4) i usually have a stash of extra tampons and pads on the off chance i get my period or someone needs one lol

5) a miscellaneous item. it changes by the day. sometimes itll be a bunch of plastic bags, or (most likely) food of some sort lol but ive also found a twenty dollar bill at the bottom of my backpack so its rly just... random. one time i found a gift card to borders, which is funny bc they had been out of business for years when i found that lmao

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom:

im a huge fan of collecting random shitty trinkets that are no use to me whatsoever, so i’ll pick my 5 favorites i guess lol which will likely be incredibly hard... im a hoarder

1) ive got a cute little plant that im convinced is dying, im sorry! the leaves are still green so... i guess its still alive at least a little bit

2) ive got a relatively big replica of the boats from like the 1400s, you know the ones with all those sails and you think of pirates when you see it? yeah thats it 

3) on my wall there’s a bunch of masquerade masks pinned up there, one of them is really nice, im surprised ive not broken it yet. along with the masks are some beautiful folding fans, the ones you always see in historical movies. they’re really breathtaking

4) OH I CANT FORGET ve got my day6 daydream album poster on my wall i love it to bits it just... fits my room so well. i didnt put my mamamoo or seventeen poster up bc day6 feels better in my room

5) ive also got a bunch of these weird... hand things. like ive got two porcelain sculptures of hands put together, holding palms up, like when youre trying to hold water in your hands. i use one of them to put my keys everyday so i know where they are. ones a coin holder. and ive also got a mini statue of just a regular hand and i put my necklaces/jewlery on the fingers to hold. its pretty cool

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in life:

1) SKY DIVING!!!!! i am determined to go sky diving before i die. coincidentally, when i get in a... bad .. mood i always remind myself of that pact and im like Alright....... and i feel less bad in that sense i guess. ive seriously wanted to do it for so long but never had the chance/money

2) become fluent in another language will always be one of my lifelong goals. once i learn one, i want to learn another. my problem is i just cant stick with one

3) live in a house with a secret room like with those bookshelves. man that would be cool

4) have all the weird pets. i want a pet rat, a pet iguana, a pet ferret, a parrot, lol that rhymed, you know all the good ones

5) travel, obviously

5 things I’m currently into:

1) writing. i dont think ill ever not be into writing, just my interest will fluxuate i suppose

2) making gifs! i just recently started that and with a friend’s help learned how to do quite a few things in photoshop, so im still trying to learn more about it

3) fuck if i know?? i dont have any interests unless i have 1 and im hyper aware of it

4) in that case kpop i guess

5) ???? someone please tell me who i am

5 things on my to-do list:

1) shower lmao i hate when i dont have stuff to do during the day bc i dont shower i just.... sit. and be on the computer. which is seriously not healthy for me ive found, its a big cause of mental health(TM)

2) get rid of this fucking acne holy shit its so stubborn i may cry ive been trying for months now with a couple different things and Nothing Is Working

3) start actually eating healthy and working out yikes i keep telling myself i will but its just so hard to get started. once im in a routine its fine but the starting.....

4) try to write something even if its just a sentence

5) idk, do my homework maybe and not screw myself over by waiting till the last minute. also i want to get out of the house. this ice storm & 4 day weekend is giving me cabin fever 

5 things people may not know about me:

1) what am i supposed to write here no ones gonna care enough to know these facts lol  i guess for this 1st one ill write that im way less optimistic than people usually think i am im just good at faking it

2) i like to think im good with reading people and knowing them, even if they dont know themselves. 

3) all my job aspirations are too much for me to handle. being a teacher actually wasnt my first choice, its just the one that hurts the least. i wanted to be a therapist, but knew i couldnt talk to a depressed patient without bursting into tears myself. i wanted to be a vet/doctor but i could never handle death. especially being a vet. i wanted to be a forensic analyist or fbi agent or something but that also deals with death and i just... cant. a teacher is realistic. it may not be what i want, but its what im going to be. wow i went on a long tangent there y i k e s

4) i am one of the few people that actually like their parents. they may not be perfect but i have so much to thank them for. also, my mom always told me that if i befriended someone who didnt like their mom/dad/parents that shes your mom now. lol i used to compare her to mrs clause bc thats the type of person she is shes chubby and constantly smells like cookies and smiles all the time and is just... happiness

5) my favorite thing in the world is buying/making presents!!!! bc its one of the only things im good at lol i love giving people presents because theyre always perfectly chosen, a story behind each thing. its the only time my hyperawareness of people and sentimental-ness comes in handy

okay wow that entire thing was long and took forever and tbh i probably said too much but whatever lol ill go ahead and tag a few people. as always, you dont need to if you dont want to! @jmplel @fishpun @whysuga @85milk @kiryues @jihyeon @alipurple

[orangepeelsandvanillaextract]

there's glass in his feet. his arm is around mob as he cries and reigen can feel his own hair and shirt tails fluttering with mob's power as the tension and emotion leaks out of him. he walks over and leans down to grab his jacket and shoes when he finds them, slides the shoes back on to feel slick, warm, wetness seeping through to the soles. his body aches too much to consider moving his shoulders and arms into the jacket, so he goes to drape it over mob instead. the kid's fragile shoulders shake so hard with each sob it looks like he'll break apart without something wrapped around him to hold together. mob doesn't say anything but reaches his hands up to grasp at the edges of the jacket, pulling it tighter. reigen's not a broad man but his jacket dwarfs mob on an average day, with him curling into himself like that, he looks even tinier. reigen is struck suddenly with the image of the timid, scared elementary schooler who knocked on his door years ago. "....Master?" he blinks hard, looking down at mob for a second, dazed as he realizes he spaced out standing there for long enough that mob's mostly quieted. his face is pink and puffy, with dried tears and snot running down his face. "Sorry, let's find everyone else and make sure they're okay." his voice sounds far away and a little garbled, but mob nods like he understands and takes reigen's hand. his feet are bleeding and he doesn't remember why. the next time he's aware they're sitting in a crowded hospital waiting room, and he vaguely wonders when the roles switched from him leading mob to mob leading him. there's a blanket draped over his shoulders even though he isn't cold. mob still has his jacket-- and his hand. he squeezes lightly, and plasters on a signature smile when he notices the held hand is trembling. wait-- is that his hand or mob's shaking? mob is quieter than ever, staring blankly at his the small space between his feet. he doesnt look up to see reigen's smile, but regardless he mumbles, "We're waiting to see if Hanazawa is okay..." "Oh." "...Serizawa caught up to us and brought us..." that explains a lot even though he doesn't remember it happening. on second thought, maybe mob hadn't lead him very far at all. his placid stare is into the middle distance now, it takes effort to spot the difference between it and his normal bored look, but reigen's had years of practice. he's not sure how much longer they sit there, quiet, blank, holding hands which might be shaking just a bit. the bustle of the waiting room is muted around them, reigen isn't sure why but he appreciates it with his growing headache. he hopes it's muted for mob too, the kid never did well in large loud crowds. "Ritsu came too." "Is he hurt?" the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could catch them, he should know better than to ask a stupid question like that. mob would be some kind of wreck if ritsu wasn't okay, the hospital wouldn't be standing after he-- wait, no, that's not right. mob can deal with these emotions now. wait. Reigen jerks like he's been shocked awake, and in a way he feels like he has. The waiting suddenly turns bright and loud and SHARP like a fog just cleared by blazing sunlight, he's hyperaware of everything. People are chattering crying screaming the news is blaring on the television about what happened about natural disasters his pulse is POUNDING in his ears chest feet (his feet?) and has he been gasping for air this whole time? Mob's hand tightens on Reigen's and he says, "No, I didn't hurt him at all. He came to help." Reigen's too busy trying to slow down the blur the world just became to answer eloquently. "O-oh." Mob finally looks up at him, and the tear tracks are fresh now, like even after his sobs stopped the tears from years of his complex won't stop streaming. he smiles a little tiny bit through them. "I didn't hurt him." he says again, more emphatically. "I knew you wouldn't." reigen's not sure where the words came from but he knows they're true. mob couldn't hurt the people he cares about any more than he could kill a harmless bug crawling across his desk. he always gently floats them outside. the tiny smile puckers into an equally tiny frown, "I hurt Hanazawa though...and you." "No you didn't." the lie rolls of his tongue easier than the words up until now had. "Master, you're hurt." he does hurt, but it's not mob's fault, it never was. "Hanazawa too....maybe really badly..." mob's breath hitches and maybe he isnt out of sobs after all. "It wasn't you that did that, you--" "NO! It was! It was me! It was always me!" he gets cut off so abruptly and loudly if he weren't staring at the kid he would have never thought that it was mob saying, no-- shouting, so many words. everything in the room slams back down to the ground from a several centimeters up. he hadn't noticed that either. mob's crying hard again, and now everyone in the waiting room is gaping at them. reigen takes a deep breath, words still aren't coming to him like they should. instead, he wraps both arms around mob, squeezing him tight into his chest, one hand in his hair. he doesn't know how long they stay there, but it's long enough the waiting room returns to chaos, then muffled to reigen's ears again. his head hurts and his body hurts and his feet are becoming sticky with drying-- Serizawa comes out for them at some point, awkwardly and gently seperating them. He says it's their turn for treatment and reigen idly wonders why, he's fine. he thinks of what to say to mob when theyre done poking and prodding him. there's a lot of ground to cover. if mob even listens to his lying self again. of course, reigen's full awareness returns again right as theyre pulling the shards out of his feet. he claps a hand over his mouth, nauseated suddenly by the feeling of the stitches tugging his skin, although there isn't pain because of the analgesic. thankfully, the cut that goes into his hairline gets glued shut instead, for less scarring. mob too. they're both put on concussion watch and reigen gets a lecture and questioning on why he thought running through the crumpled streets would be a good idea. and then why he kept walking for so long, pushing the shards and rubble and dirt deeper. he doesn't tell them what really went through his head when he took his shoes off. he spins a story about how his stiff dress shoes were too hard to run in, how the slippery soles wouldn't give him any traction. he laughs the stupid decision off as a moment of hurried thinking in a panic. mob scoots so close to him he is pressed against's reigen's side, and his hand squeezes hard enough reigen's bones will ache for days after. reigen lets him.

[njawaidofficial]

Transgender Actors Say They're So Far Behind That "Pay Equity Is A Non-Issue For Us"

https://styleveryday.com/transgender-actors-say-theyre-so-far-behind-that-pay-equity-is-a-non-issue-for-us/

Transgender Actors Say They're So Far Behind That "Pay Equity Is A Non-Issue For Us"

“When I first came to Hollywood, there were no trans people to look at onscreen. We really didn’t know if there was going to be any work for us, and my agent said the same thing when she first signed me,” said Nashville actor Jen Richards.

Three years later, she still sees every audition and every role she books as “educational moments,” opportunities to encourage Hollywood’s casting directors and producers to hire trans actors. The first-ever transgender actor to appear on CMT and the cable channel’s country music drama, Richards said she knew going into the project that the stakes were high. “I’m hyperaware walking into that situation that I might be the first openly trans person they’ve ever met — and certainly the first trans actor that they’ve worked with,” she told BuzzFeed News.

As cisgender women and men of color continue fighting to close the industry’s gender and race wage gap, drawing support from their colleagues, the public, and California lawmakers, transgender actors like Richards say they are fighting an entirely different battle. Multiple trans actors, from newcomers to more established names, told BuzzFeed News their primary concern is not equal pay but simply finding work.

“I think any of us would just be so thrilled to get a deeper part and to get paid at all.”

“We are so far behind that pay equity is a non-issue for us right now. … I think any of us would just be so thrilled to get a deeper part and to get paid at all. Like that would feel like such progress,” said Richards, who also cocreated, cowrote, and starred in Her Story, an Emmy-nominated web series about two trans women.

The dearth of work available to trans actors leaves few in the position to push back for higher salaries. It wasn’t until recently that Richards felt qualified to negotiate for more money than the minimum wage set forth by the Screen Actors Guild. After she landed a series regular role on a not-yet-announced television series, for which the pay was significantly “higher than average,” Richards’ agent managed to push back and secure more money for her client.

“Now that I’ve [made] this amount of money for a show, I don’t think my agent would counsel me to say yes to anything less,” Richards said of her breakthrough. “I’m really lucky in that I have a fantastic agent who’s very experienced, who’s been in this industry a long time, who really believed in me and has never led me astray. And she doesn’t treat me differently than any other client, so I don’t think she would allow anyone to treat me differently than any other client.”

Jen Richards photographed on April 24, 2018 in Los Angeles.

JSquared for BuzzFeed News

While there has been a relative increase in roles for trans actors in recent years, like Laverne Cox’s Emmy-nominated work on Orange Is The New Black and Trace Lysette and Alexandra Billings’ roles on Transparent, the opportunities are still scarce. GLAAD Media Institute, an LGBT advocacy organization, counted just 17 regular and recurring transgender characters across broadcast, cable, and streaming television series in the 2017-2018 season, still a significant increase from the seven they found in 2015.

When the rare transgender role does come around, cisgender actors often get the part, said Maximilliana, an actor who has appeared on the Clueless television series as a “Tall ‘Woman’” and on the original Gilmore Girls as “Marilyn Monroe.” “It’s been such a struggle to be even offered the job to start with because generally the job is going to a cis actor,” said Maximilliana, who identifies as gender fluid, calling out Anything, an upcoming film about a transgender sex worker, for its controversial decision to cast Matt Bomer in the lead. Such was also the case with The Danish Girl, for which Eddie Redmayne garnered an Oscar nomination for his performance as a trans woman, and with Dallas Buyers Club, for which Jared Leto won an Oscar for playing a trans woman with HIV. There’s also Jeffrey Tambor, who starred in Transparent for four seasons as the series lead, Maura Pfefferman, a trans woman. (Amazon Studios has since fired him after his former assistant, Van Barnes, and costar Trace Lysette said that he sexually harassed them; through a representative, Tambor said the accusations were “false” and criticized the studio’s investigation.)

D’Lo, a Tamil Sri Lankan–American comedian and actor, told BuzzFeed News that finding work can be particularly difficult for those who, like him, identify as trans masculine. “We’re still in what people have been calling the trans moment of television. But the narrative has largely been about trans femininity,” he said.

D’Lo photographed on April 24, 2018 in Los Angeles.

JSquared for BuzzFeed News

According to GLAAD, of the 17 transgender characters that appeared on screen in 2017, nine were trans women. Four were trans men, in addition to four characters who identified as nonbinary.

Richards said that the lack of work for trans men and transmasculine actors can be attributed to a host of issues. But she boiled it down to “garden-variety misogyny” and Hollywood’s tendency to depict women as objects of desire, often for the consumption of cis, straight male viewers. “Part of it is that trans women capture the imagination a little bit more because our default is male,” Richards explained. “So the idea of a man who gives up that kind of privileged position to be female is more interesting than a woman becoming a man. It’s a kind of sense of, ‘Well, of course you’d want to do that.’”

Although D’Lo has landed small roles in Sense8, a popular Netflix sci-fi series, and Transparent, he said his past credits aren’t paying the bills. “Most of it is deferred payment and ultra low-budget SAG.” To make a living, D’Lo stars in digital projects, tours the country as a stand-up comic and theater performer, and facilitates writing and performing workshops. Television, he said, would be the “gateway to getting more opportunities.” It’s also a path to establishing a personal rate or “actor’s quote,” as Richards recently did.

For D’Lo, pushing back during negotiations has never been an option. “If an agent brokered the thing, then I would get a day-player rate,” the minimum for a one-day speaking part stipulated by SAG. (As of today, the union’s rate for a day performer is $956.) “Basically, there was never a moment where somebody was advocating for me to get a higher wage,” he explained.

“Whether it’s an Emmy nomination, a win — all these things add on to negotiating points.”

But transgender rights advocate and actor Angelica Ross has be in the position to demand higher pay. “Anything I’ve ever done, if it comes to a deal, I’ve always negotiated,” she told BuzzFeed News.

After years of working steadily to earn her SAG membership, Ross rose to prominence after starring in Richards’ web series, Her Story. She was in an episode of the CBS drama Doubt alongside Laverne Cox and an episode of Transparent. She also landed a recurring role on TNT’s Claws, the Rashida Jones–produced drama about five money-laundering nail manicurists. She has since been able to leverage the critical acclaim of shows she’s appeared in during the negotiations process. “Whether it’s an Emmy nomination, a win — all these things add on to negotiating points,” she said. Although she acknowledged there is always a risk of losing the part, she said Hollywood executives have hired her based on her reputation and credits. “They know I deliver. They know I’m professional. I show up on time. I don’t dillydally,” she said.

This summer, Ross is set to star in Pose, FX’s upcoming musical television series cocreated by Glee and American Horror Story’s Ryan Murphy. An eight-episode drama about New York’s 1980s ball culture, Pose has been touted as a “history-making” project that features the largest cast of transgender actors in series-regular roles and the most LGBT actors in an American scripted television series.

Angelica Ross photographed on April 26, 2018 at Suite3 Studios in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Annie Tritt for BuzzFeed News

Ross is eager to join Hollywood’s pay disparity conversation, as she doesn’t feel cisgender actors have been all that inclusive of people of color or trans people. While racial diversity on television has increased in recent years, people of color still hold fewer roles than their white peers. The gap is even wider for trans actors of color: Of the 17 transgender characters GLAAD counted, thirteen were white, two were black, one was Latinx, and one was Asian-Pacific Islander.

“I’ve been on television sets and movie sets. I’ve been fortunate enough to be in this business a long time, mostly in the background, but you see how they don’t want to spend money, especially on certain talent, especially on people of color,” Ross said. “It’s so interesting how I see across the board, people of color having to prove themselves, and to have so many documents and portfolios and receipts and accolades before they get the job.”

Ross says she and Laverne Cox have begun discussing pay among themselves: “Laverne and I kind of tiptoe a little bit and started talking about what we’re getting paid. … I’ve kind of confided in her about some things.” But that’s the extent to which trans actors are discussing pay, she said. “It just hasn’t been that space where we’re all talking openly about what we’re getting paid.” The shortage of data on trans actors doesn’t help the cause.

“The focus really needs to be on just getting more trans people on the shows.”

“SAG barely has actors that identify as trans because it’s too expensive to join,” Ross continued. “So trying to get that data on what trans actors are being paid? We’re a long way from knowing any of that information. But in the meantime, I think that my role — as well as Trace Lysette, who’s a white trans woman — we need to join in on this conversation with women, with black women, about this pay gap.”

But like the cisgender women and men of color fighting for pay equity, Richards and D’Lo both emphasized that there needs to be more working opportunities for trans actors before they can demand higher wages.

“The focus really needs to be on just getting more trans people on the shows. And that means writing more and better parts for trans people and giving trans actors the opportunities to play parts that aren’t written for trans people,” said Richards.

Despite the long road ahead, Richards remains optimistic, citing the baby steps Hollywood has achieved. “Now that there are quite of few of us onscreen, I’m hoping that younger people will see that and think, ‘Oh, that’s a viable career path now.’” ●

LINK: Actors Say There Won’t Be Equal Pay Until Hollywood Creates More Diverse Roles

LINK: The Prince Got Paid More Than The Queen On “The Crown” And People Aren’t Happy About It