#humor is a WONDERFUL way to distract from my immense amounts of anxiety!

[carciinogen]

I am INCREDIBLY nervous of going on a plane again tomorrow. To combat this:

[starberrywrites-ships]

An Unexpected Friendship

Naga!Hubert x Fairy!Bernadetta

Sometimes, a little fairy needs a big scary naga friend to protect her from all harm.

Read on AO3: HERE

It was a quiet morning. A few birds flying here and there, bugs making their presence known. Bernadetta hums to herself, dragging a leaf behind her as she flies around the forest. The small fairy had been traveling for most of the day, Making a promise of helping a rabbit collect food, so she was searching for berries or any edible plants. "Cranberries . . . Wild berries . . ." Bernadetta said to no one, resting herself on the forest floor, looking around. For someone her size, it was difficult to flutter around so much, her wings beginning to ache.

Not far away from where the small creature was, a naga was having a peaceful rest. Hubert lay curled up in the bushes. His tail bobbed up and down from time to time as he dreamed. He soon started snoring, flicking his tongue in his sleep. Hubert was completely unbothered, a normal day for him. Little did he know it had only begun, and there was much more in store.

"Oh! Berries!" Bernadetta dropped her little leaf basket, flying over to the bush. Beginning to fill her small hands with the fruits, finding what seemed to be a rock to rest on, as she plucked off more. Only, this wasn’t a rock at all. ‘Something is here...’ The naga thought, eyes still shut tight. Hubert can feel something touching his scaly form. He starts to stir from his slumber, slowly adjusting to the morning sun's beams.

"AHHHHH." Bernadetta screamed, feeling the ‘rock’ underneath her moving. Dropping the berries from her grip. Trying to keep her balance avoiding any further damage. Hubert heard the tiny yelp as he woke up, and his senses amplified. His eye slits shot open as he rose from the bushes, taking an obscene amount of leaves up with him. Panicked filled the fairy, realizing just what she was on.

"AHHH PLEASE DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEE!!!" Bernadetta screamed as loud as she could, rushing towards the leaf, hiding under it while shaking immensely. She had never encountered such a large, terrifying monster. Hubert scanned the forest floor. The corner of his lips curled into a smile. ‘There is something under that leaf. Perhaps a mouse? Hmmm.’ Hubert pondered. He leaned his upper body towards the ground and moved to pluck the leaf off the ground. At the last minute, he motioned against that. And instead opened his gangly hand all the way, scooping up both the leaf, and anything else that was hiding underneath it.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT PLEASE STOP!!!!" Bernadetta was not prepared for this, kicking around her legs and waving around her arms, trying to escape. ‘This is how I die. Goodbye world! Goodbye little bunnies!!’ She thought to herself, preparing for her final moments.  "Well now, what do we have here?" Hubert hissed, his grip on the leaf and the creature not budging from the struggling. "Hmmmm..."

Bernadetta let out a whine, deeming her efforts of freedom useless. "I-If you're gonna kill me, just get it over with! I don't want to suffer!!!!" she said, with one final attempt to get out. Hubert flicked his tongue, taking in the air. "You must be a fairy... ah..." he mused, curiosity painted on his face. Bernadetta shakes, nodding her head while her eyes were shut tightly. “Y-Yeah . .” ‘Scary!!!!’ She thought. ‘This is a nightmare! Stupid Bernie! This is why we don’t go out into the forest!!!’

Hubert relaxed his grip, simply letting the small creature rest on his palm. "Well, if it eases your heart, I have no intent on killing you. That would be too easy, you see, heheh..." He said, taking in every detail about Bernadetta. ‘Hmm... but this creature is a little cute…’ Hubert thought. "I'm left to wonder what you were doing out here, all by yourself?" he asked. "You could very well find yourself in the jaws of some ravenous beast" he teased, baring his fangs a little.

Although technically being held under no restraint, Bernadetta stayed in place. Too afraid to move. She flinched, holding back another scream at the look of his fangs. ‘Too easy?! AHH’ Her mind was full of screams.  “Uh . . . I was looking for berries. . .” Bernadetta says, hoping he couldn’t pick up on the shakiness in her voice. She wouldn’t want him knowing she’s in a vulnerable state, even if it is obvious.

He should’ve guessed that much, Hubert thinks for a moment. ‘’I suspected as much...” He began again, plucking a berry from the bush. He let his hand get closer to the other, and gently placed the berry beside the fairy. “It is quite rude to intrude on another’s resting spot, wouldn’t you say?” Bernadetta pouts, crossing her arms over her body, lifting her head and looking away angrily. “It’s not like I knew you were there! I thought it was rock!”

“Well, it seems you were wrong. How very unlucky that you chose to gather berries from this bush.” He gestures towards the ground, “and those must be your berries? The ones dropped there?” Her mouth drops. Pushing herself onto her knees, looking down towards the ground at the berries. “Boo . . . They’re all mushy now.” She frowns, feeling sad, lying down on her stomach still staring at the ground. Completely forgetting the fact she rested on Hubert’s palm.

Hubert takes a deep sigh. "Ah well, it's a slow morning for me anyway." he starts as he sets her down on one of the bush leaves. Making sure she was secure and wouldn’t fall. Bernadetta yelps at the sudden movement. Her body was slightly sore considering the fact she’s so small. Hubert’s grip from before was far too strong. Bernadetta lifts her arms, stretching, hoping that will loosen the tension in her muscles. “Slow morning? What could someone like you possibly do all day?”

"Usually... I am waiting." He started, "Waiting for a visitor. A nice, tasty looking visitor. Perhaps just a small morsel, even..." he says as his tongue flicks again, his head approaching the fairy. “AHH PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!” She screams. Trying to run out of fear, only to let out a whine, flinching from the pain coming from her back. Bernadetta looks behind her and notices a small tear in her wing. “Oh no oh no no you’ve done it now Bernie. Stupid stupid!”

He allowed the fairy back onto his hands. Hubert, for the first time since this whole fiasco started, feels something strange flowing in his heart. Perhaps it was his instincts acting up, but either way, it was an icky throbbing in himself. "It is torn alright..." he gently traces a finger by the wing, careful not to touch it any further. Bernadetta winced at the feeling of something against her wings. She had never gotten used to it. They were relatively sensitive after all. “Now what am I going to do. . .”

"Perhaps I treated you too harshly. I am truly sorry for what has happened to your wing." Hubert's eyes seemed softer than ever before. ‘What is this, painful feeling in my heart?’ It was something the naga had never experienced before. “I don’t think it’s your fault. . . I have a tendency of not looking where I’m going. Maybe it got caught on something earlier.” She says, trying to comfort him. Bernadetta didn’t want him to feel responsible.

But alas, Hubert did not buy it, but he won't humor that much longer. "I see... will it grow back? It surely must not be permanent, I hope?"

“Yeah. It will heal. I’ll have to stay on the ground for a bit though. Maybe wrap it up from any further damage.” In all honesty, she has never tore her wing before. She doesn’t leave the village let alone her little house. A small crease showed its way onto Hubert's expression "How far away is your home, exactly?"

Bernadetta thought for a moment, proceeding to sit criss cross. “It’s like, half a day's travel maybe? I got distracted while on my trip.” She lets out a small giggle. Amused at the fact. "No, I don't want you to travel right now..." Hubert replied. "You need time to heal it up. The journey on foot is long, arduous and dangerous."

“True. . . But still the vil-“ Bernadetta stopped. The village doesn’t even know she existed. They wouldn’t mind her not being there for a bit, right? “But uh . . . Where would I go?”

"Well, with all the things out there that would stop at nothing to have a taste of a creature like you..." Hubert paused to take a heavy breath, "Who knows what would happen out there all by yourself. Please, allow me to watch over you for the next few days. I cannot stand the idea of you all on your own, not with how... vulnerable you are at the moment."

Bernadetta felt funny. She nods softly, unable to make eye contact. Feeling too shy. And ironically, small. “Yeah you have a point . . . I guess staying with you can’t be so bad!” As long as he doesn’t try to kill me. She thought.

He spoke softly, hoping to ease her anxiety. "I hope you feel safe in the coming days. I won't let anything hurt you." Bernadetta laughed awkwardly. “T-Thanks. . . Uh, wait. What is your name? My name is Bernadetta!” She says, giving him a small wave. Hubert froze.

‘Fuck. She's so cute.’ He was a little overwhelmed by such a cheerful spirit, but did well to hide it. "I am Hubert. And as you can see, I am... quite the vicious predator." he stared blankly, away from her gaze.

Bernie shakes her head. “You are a little scary. But after talking to you, you’re not that bad! Maybe a flower would help you look less spooky!” Hubert is very glad she seems less afraid of him now. "Perhaps. I am glad things have settled down for now. Just get some rest now. Your wings will thank you." He reaches with a single digit and softly pats her head.

Bernie giggles softly as her head gets patted. Fixing her hair in the process. “Where do snakes live though? I don’t think you have a small enough bed for little Bernie here.”

"You're right. I have to accommodate somehow. Hmmm" Hubert pondered his choices carefully. "Usually I just rest wherever I tire.”

“That seems kinda lonely. . . No real place to call home. . .” Bernadetta said, her voice full of concern and sadness. She didn’t exactly like the idea of a lonely Hubert. "It does sound lonely, but it is not so bad." He half-heartedly searches for a place they can both rest. "I'm used to it by now."

She pouts, patting her small hands on the spot she rested on, trying to be comforting. “No one should have to get used to that . . . It makes me sad.” Hubert proceeded to chuckle a little, "Well, when you're as intimidating me, and you've killed plenty of living things, it was an inevitable lifestyle..."

Bernadetta smiles at the sound of Huberts chuckle. It made her feel happy. “Well, maybe I can be your friend!” ‘Hmmm... tiny friend . . .’ He thinks about it. "I suppose you could be a ‘friend’ to me. Well, more of a friend than anyone I've run into in the past few weeks."

“Uh. . . Yeah. . . Just, please don’t eat me. I can’t explain it, but I trust you Hubert.” Bernie says shyly. Playing with the hem of her skirt.  "Yes, of course. Thank you for putting your trust into me." He says. "Perhaps, maybe... we could hide out in a tree somewhere?"

"Trees huh . . . Sure! I've never flown that high before, but it can't be that scary! It's a big mushroom!" She giggles, covering her smile. "I suppose you're right...." Hubert muses. "I haven't really slept in one before, but. I hear it can be quite comfortable.."

"W-Wait! Why can't we just rest in a usual spot of yours, l-like the ground!" In all honesty, she didn't like the fact she was the cause of something new for him. Bernie wants her new friend to be comfy. Hubert's stare is intense, yet caring. "It is much safer in the trees at night. I don't want any prying animals to snatch you up. Ever." He starts stroking her head again. "As long as you are safe, then I don't care where we may rest."

Bernie felt the blood rushing towards her face. The odd comfort in Hubert's words put any worries she had at ease. Not to mention the amount of joy she is feeling with the head pats. "I-If it's okay with you. . ." She says softly, resisting every urge to melt into his touch. "Lovely. Hold tight then." Hubert gives Bernie a few seconds to prepare, before he's slithering his body to a nearby tree.

Bernadetta lets out a small yelp, grabbing onto him tightly, eyes shut, afraid to open them. Her small body pressing against him to the best of her ability to avoid any dangerous falls. Hubert made himself comfortable, his whole form resting on the tree's many branches like a scarf tangled about. He rests his head on a branch and lets the fairy sit by the nearby branch. "No creature would bother approaching me, so it would be best for you to stay close. Make yourself comfy, otherwise..." He spoke.

Bernie nods, grabbing a leaf from nearby and begins folding, and folding, and folding. After many folds, she had a small little bed! She pushes it closer to Hubert, and rests on it. "Thank you again Hubert . . . You probably saved me from dying today hehe!" ‘Even though you could have killed me.’

"I would not dare to imagine how it would have gone had you found yourself flightless without anyone to help."Hubert mutters. "You are a very lucky little fairy, aren't you?" He said, sleepy and obviously ready for bed. He shivered a bit, but seemed at ease that Bernie was safe. He let his thumb stroke her hair softly, enjoying the smooth feeling.

Bernadetta hummed, this time allowing herself to melt and get comfortable under his touch. She herself was also getting tired, deciding it was time to rest. After all, there was a new day waiting for her and her new friend. "Good night . . . Hu . . bert." Hubert touched his fingers to his lips, then gently bapped them on her head. "Goodnight to you as well... Bernadetta." He said. It was warm, the softest he's ever been. ‘Cute, cute, cute!!!!!‘

[austin-and-sammo-blog]

Journal Entry -- 13th Month

It has certainly been a strange week. I've been something I'm not. I have been hardly productive, I have spent an enormous amount of time on my phone. Yasmine got back in contact with me finally which has been a massive relief. In fact, for the most part this week has been wonderful. I have felt very much like I'm back at peace with my life with Austin, Mattie, and Yasmine. I helped Matt again this week, and I think I did well and he thanked me, which definitely made me feel good. I made amazing progress in counseling this week, I feel like I'm finally getting answers. We touched on my past socially, and it seems that I have really really based my social progress using means with which I work towards my concrete goals, and it has become apparent that that is simply not the case. We talked about how everywhere I've been I've been met with a social cycle where I leave just as soon as real relationships were coming into being, and then I would leave and they would stay stagnant where they were, only the greatest of those relationships standing the test of time apart. We are going to explore in the coming weeks why I've been blaming myself and allowing this to toll my self confidence. But simply understanding this complex has been an immense relief, I feel like I understand myself more, and thus I can work with myself more. I wanted this to be sympathetic towards myself. Perhaps it will be, but it will do so in a better way. But I cannot write this about myself without acknowledging all the good things I have to be grateful for. I woke up today ready to make it a bad day. I woke up today and focused right on how Austin hadn't replied to the snap I sent last night. I made an overwhelming deal out of it. I waited to see if he would ever reply on his own and then there came a point in time when I realized that wasn't going to happen, and I started to shake with nervousness and anxiety and I confronted him about it and instantly turned on myself because I realized the only bad aspect of that situation was the way I made it out to be. But even so Austin was tremendously understanding of it, he admitted to his mistake and was sorry for it, that I definitely believed. He called me to make sure I was alright. I love him so much. I have a father who kept his word today, giving me the money I needed to purchase my transcripts to add to my transfer applications. I need to be grateful for my mother who sent me money in a Valentine's day card that means I can still get a haircut next week. I have an amazing friend with whom I spend my time with here, Mattie has made SMU more comfortable for me and I would easily be in a terrifying place if she were not here. I'm grateful for my brother, I think we are more alike than anyone else, he is someone who understands and I can go to with things I'm interested in. I'm grateful for God, who has brought these amazing people into my life. I'm grateful because there have been so many mistakes that could have been worse, so many blessings that could've easily passed me by. I'm forever grateful to that Man who has made me who I am and the life I'm surrounded with. Now I can step back and pity myself. Now that I know my life is actually pretty good and that I have amazing people who are there for me. Sometimes I feel quite alone, many times I feel that way here at SMU. When Austin is with people I constantly think, "why don't I have that?" I get impatient with myself because he has already been able to make some amazing friends at ECU. The counselor helped me realize that my experience at Havelock, where I found my best friends within a couple of weeks, has set my expectations far too high for the other places I've gone. Williston and SMU have both been tremendous cases of disillusionment. But it could be worse. I still have people in my life who care about me, all over the country. My social progress was never hindered, it was simply spread out amongst far too many places. That is why I'm transferring, it's high time I settle down and make some real progress. That's what I really want, and I'm in the process. I like to dream of my life at UNC Chapel Hill. A nice college town with the feel of ECU, with the tremendous opportunity of their award winning business school, being close to Austin seeing him every couple of weekends. Getting to spend our anniversaries better like we've hardly had the chance to before. I sometimes think about how Austin and I have flipped sides. His experiences at ECU seem to be a very mirror image of my last year at Williston. It frustrated me because he seems so strong now, and when he doesn't reply I suppose that's a factor in why I feel hurt. It seems to me that he isn't replying very much because his life is better, and I focus so much on it because my situation is not so fortunate. But while that may have been true at one point, and may in part be true now, I certainly have a better situation now. I have my friend Mattie and the friends I'm meeting through her. I have so much in this life and I take it for granted many times, when I know for certain that there were points in my life when I wished for all the things I have now. I have focused quite a bit in my life about things and people I don't have. That is no way to live. I remember my senior year of Williston being one of the best in my life. Why is that though? Because I also distinctly remember many afternoons between classes and sports when I would go back to my room and nap or cry. I remember many nights when I would be up for hours on end, struggling not to sob because I had too much work to get done. I was sad because I didn't have what other people had. I didn't feel like I belonged with the group of friends I was with. I didn't feel like many people at that school liked me, and there was a constant pressure of that. My work was my distraction, my sports kept me sane and sociable. I remember my life at Havelock as some of the best times of my life. I remember all the great times I spent with my friend group and how much fun I had. It seems I had forgotten that New Year's eve when I didn't want to make it to the next year. I forgot all those nights I cried because I didn't have Zachariah. I remember becoming mentally sick over him...doing horrible things that I will not even let myself think of. I remember one day I went back to Apex, thinking that place was so high and mighty, and it reminded me of how I cried myself to sleep night after night and was haunted by the fact that I was gay. It seems like every other period of my life was far better, and that I have somehow gone backwards to this point. In some ways that may be true. I wish I had more friends, a friend group that I can really relate to and hang out with a lot like Austin has. I get so jealous about that, that Austin was able to move schools once and stumble upon a group of friends he literally hangs out with for a good chunk of every single day, and he found those people in a matter of months. I find myself here without many good friends, without many people that seem to want my company. Austin says its the sense of humor that gets people on board. I might agree, it seems the more lighthearted I am the more people wanted to be around me. I think the more lighthearted I was was the time those memories stuck around, to form all those impressions that my past was filled with good times. And yet there is a lesson in this I think. Perhaps all those times I was feeling terrible within those good times, all those times all I could see is what I wanted, how I wasn't hanging out with people and how it seemed I couldn't find people that sought after my company, perhaps those times weren't so bad. Perhaps my situation now isn't so bad either. What if I look back on where I am now in the future and say "what a wonderful time that was." Because really, there is so much good around me. Austin and I are better together than any other point in our relationship. We have transcended cheating, mental illness, being separated for far too long, the frustrations of living together for the first time, and helping each other through our own life struggles. We have been through much and grown beyond it all, I really do find it hard to believe that I have been blessed with such an amazing person. And it amazes me, it frightens me often, how quickly I can lose sight of all of that, quickly judge him as not being good enough to me. Things as simple as he won't reply in a timely fashion, that time when he decided to do laundry instead of be prompt in picking me up. When he doesn't pay attention to me or contribute enough to the conversation over FaceTime. When he forgetfully leaves something on read, probably was intending on replying, but simply forgot. I assume the worst motives with him, trying to find reasons why he would do me wrong. Perhaps that's what I've trained myself to expect from people I love, not ever receiving the attention and love I want because they were straight. Perhaps I expect more from him because I remember distinctly the Austin that texted and snapped all the time. In fact, if I were to say there was one dominant factor in why I didn't struggle through tears everyday at Williston in the spring is because of Austin. Even when he was at school we would text and snap constantly. Where has that gone? They say there's a cupcake stage, and perhaps that is all it was. Even so, he has been really understanding lately, and I have seen a drastic change in how much he's texted and snapped me. Sometime's I'll call him out over Facetime or when he's with his friends by how much he's changed since he went to ECU, but of course I knew he would. When I mention it it makes him uncomfortable, just like it made me uncomfortable when I heard it after going to Williston. People change. I wonder if I have changed him at all. I remember how he used to struggle so much missing me when I would leave in the spring of last year. I remember how much he would mention how I didn't have time for him. That had to hurt, in many ways I've perceived it that I feel the way he did then. That's why I think we've switched places. Sometimes I wonder if this is what I deserved, perhaps I could have treated him better, especially at the end of the summer. An interesting thing I've noticed is what we've talked about. I think when we were first getting to learn each other, we'd talk a lot about ourselves. I was constantly trying to learn more about him, in all honesty I was desperate to fall in love with him like he fell in love with me. But that is a separate point. The point I'm making now is I have found that the vast majority of things I talk about with Mattie include Austin in one way or another. That one counselor that I texted during the end of my winter break smacked me with the question "Who are you without him?" Like I just gawked at my phone for five minutes I had no idea how to even react. I have become so absorbed by Austin since I fell for him. When I was helping Matt this week I blatantly told him that his animosity towards his girlfriend is not a product of love for her, but an obsession with being loved by her because he couldn't love himself. I think I have found it hard to love myself in the past several months. I constantly beat myself up for cheating on Austin. When I went to college I cheated on him more because I wanted to break things off with him because I didn't think I deserved him, I felt so bad after the incident with Lawson. I hated myself for not loving Austin. I hated myself for being frustrated with him. Then when I came to SMU I beat myself up immensely over my failure to make real friends. I took their reactions of ignoration to heart and slowly drew back into myself. I stopped going out and I stopped trying. I gave up and concluded that people here did not like me. At that time Austin and I were on not so good terms still. I was pushing him away and breaking his heart with ideas of taking a break. I was being a complete asshole. When I had heart he cheated on me there too, I was really relieved that I wasn't the only criminal in the relationship anymore, but I also confirmed to myself that I was no longer being a good boyfriend if he was able to do that to me. I remember that weekend, I revealed the other part of myself. The part of myself that wasn't all jokes and laughter and lightheartedness. I exposed my soft side, I exposed how philosophical I was and how driven I was for the future. That was the first time he had ever ignored me. He left me on read and I quickly became desperate for answers, I wanted him so desperately to love this side of myself... When he ignored it it reminded me much of Zachariah when I would get emotional or philosophical, and I quickly became distraught over the idea that I was pushing away Austin with this side of myself. It's strange how just one or two days after that event I realized I had fallen in love with Austin Gibson. I've often wondered if I fell in love with Austin because he played hard to catch, I wonder if I fell for him because it seemed he was not loving me at that time. It reminded me of how I fell in love with Zachariah and Jacob, and how they both did not love me. But I must also remember that I fell in love with those two because they had been kind to me, I fell in love with them because at first they had sought after my company, and made me feel wanted. Austin definitely made me feel that way in our early relationship, very much so actually. And I think that's why I was so into the relationship at the time. All that time I knew I wasn't ready to love him because I was skeptical he was just having a first boy-stage that he would eventually fall out of. But I was enjoying it the whole time because we were in that cupcake stage and he was showing me all the attention I wanted. I remember that time so well because I had someone who treated me the way I wanted to be treated. I felt bad that I didn't always have the time to reply to him constantly, but I honestly felt so good that I had someone that wanted me replying to them that much. When he ignored me that fall break I thought I had lost that. Over the next couple of days we talked on FaceTime for the first time in a good while, we talked it out and that's when I really started learning that he wasn't well versed in helping someone through that kind of thing. But I saw that he did care, that he was genuinely trying, and was working to learn this new side of me. Such the same I was starting to learn the side of him that would be dealing with me. After fall long weekend I started to really focus on how he would not reply so quickly, in fact he really seemed to be replying a lot less than he did before that weekend which had an immense effect on me. Months later I would learn that Austin was driven to continue to cheat on me in those initial months. When I first learned that I would think so much about how he must've been ignoring me in that time to text and snap these other guys. I remember trembling when I first went through his computer, and how much time I spent trying to convince myself I was just making things up...until I saw actual pictures. He had snapped these guys and they snapped him back. I have mental images of Austin sending them the eggplant emoji. I'm glad it went no further than text, at least I pray to God it never did. It hurt so much because I know he was doing that after that fall break weekend. After we admitted our wrongs to each other and forgave each other, after we both promised to communicate more and tell each other if it ever happened again. I wonder if he would've ever confessed had I not found that myself. He wanted to hide it from me because he didn't want to hurt someone who was already paranoid. Yet he was still texting one of those guys over the winter break, someone he shouldn't even know. Someone he should have no contact with, and he was texting him while I was there. He would delete those texts, he deliberately hid it from me. That's what hurt most, he hid it from me. And maybe learning all that did make my paranoia worse. But I know how easy it is to make that mistake. I know how easy it is to be tempted, and to think nothing of it because guys watch porn as it is and it's really no different if everything is just over the phone. Writing this is drawing up some old feelings and I'm not really sure I want to continue with it. If I remember correctly I was trying to get to the bottom of the reason why I'm so quick to judge Austin as not doing enough. I touched on my experience with love before Austin, my low self esteem at the time I fell in love with him, the uncertainty I had of sharing the rest of my personality with him and the fact that he pushed it away at first, the fact that he cheated on me continuously after I stopped making that impression resurrect during winter break. And yet according to him he's "changed." I put that in quotes just like he did, because it's passé. It's passe because its been said so much and upheld so little. But I can see the change. He looks at me with that intense feeling of love again. We get so gushy with our love texts again. He made me this jar of memories which made me melt on the spot. I don't give him enough credit. He texts and snaps back thousands of times more than he did before. When he's not tired he does participate quite a bit in Facetime. He has lost that sense of aversion towards me he carried before I exposed his cheating. It seems before that night I brought it up that he was always skeptical I was being skeptical of him. I don't even know how to describe it but I could literally feel his inner tension over it. We cried for so many nights after I exposed him. I found it very hard to cry when he was crying. I suppose I cried because I couldn't feel he cared. His tears proved other wise. Each day I would stumble upon other concepts of what him cheating on me at that time meant, and I kept breaking my own heart with those revelations over and over again. I suppose the best evidence that I have been seeking out reasons to prove Austin isn't being a good boyfriend is when I went back through his computer and phone and started shaking when I found an old snap stream he simply forgot to block. I saw some texts in there that terrified me, and I found some texts that sounded like he was meeting with someone when it was actually just a classmate. Austin quickly proved to me that what I saw really wasn't cheating. But this stands as the best example that I've been jumping to conclusions. So what is the solution to this bad habit? What is the solution to me not breaking down for two hours in the middle of the day because he accidentally didn't reply to a snap I sent him? I think doing this has actually helped. I think this journal has actually helped. I think what I need to be doing more is seeing the ways he has improved. Such the same goes for my life situation, I need to see all the good that has come into my life, all the ways it has improved. I keep looking for new ways that my life isn't good enough, new ways that Austin isn't being good enough. Neither of those are warranted, I just need to see the good I already have. I keep comparing myself to others, what they have going for them that I don't. But I need to be comparing myself with myself and my past, how much I've grown, how much Austin and I have grown together. There may be things that have gone backwards, that happens. But that is no reason to be afraid.. If they happened before they can happen again. That goes for both the bad and the good. The important thing to do is focus on the good we have, and do positive actions towards making those things better. Positive actions do not include guilt tripping Austin, making him feel inadequate, making him feel like he should be doing more. Positive actions mean being grateful for what Austin has been doing, and having rational, real conversations with him about anything going on right now that can be improved. Spraying him with criticism is not going to do anything but meet resistance because that's human nature. I felt the same way sometimes in the spring. So I need to work with him, not yank him to where I want him to be, but let him know I want him a little more here or a little more there, and to make sure I'm listening when he says the same to me. I suppose it's going to be a process. There is nothing that can really help me instantly be better to him. It's going to take constant pressure from myself to be reasonable with him. To send another random text or snap to him to remind him to reply without calling him out for not replying. To just accept his little habits and accept him for who he is and remind myself that he really does love me and that's why he's stuck around for so long and is so willing to stick around indefinitely. I need to remind myself that he means nothing he does or doesn't do personally, he doesn't even mean anything by most of it. If I were as busy as he I would probably be as forgetful as he is. And that doesn't mean I should beat myself up for not having as much going on as he does either. I need to love him, remember his love, and remember to love myself. I am not in such a bad position, my failure to instantly make friends like Austin is not a reflection of myself as a person, which is something I definitely need to constantly remind myself of. I need to be more patient, and I need to consume my time with things I like to do. I have a business idea I want to execute, I have clubs I'm a part of, I have plenty of school work to keep me busy. And it's okay if I slip up like I did today, I need to remember that it's not the end of the world when I feel bad for a day or two or three. I've made so much progress over the past couple of months and I'm going to keep making progress so long as I keep remembering what I'm fighting for. I'm fighting to be a good friend, a good person to myself, and most importantly a good boyfriend. I love Austin so so much, like honestly the only reason I'm struggling with all of this is because I want to be with him for so long. The only reason I get hyper critical is because I miss him and want to talk to him more and more. Who knows? Maybe life in North Carolina will make it easier. Let this long ass journal be a testament to me trying everything in my power to make things as best as they can be. This has been revealing for myself, I think. I really have found some solace in seeing everything written out, all my feelings and memories of my time with Austin and my time away from Austin. I did this because I want to be a better boyfriend, I did this because I want to be a better person in general. This has offered me much clarity, maybe it will for you too.