#however. it's been violated enough that it's really hard to trust that (impossible challenge). so like either i can Do This.see what happens

[strikersin]

If my Actual Real Life Father saw this blog I wouldn't even be able to die. I would just live. LOL. At that point I guess we have different things to worry about .

But I can see his confused and perplexuated reaction . Haha. It's actually cute

[whatissleepeven]

Good day, Sleep! I sincerely hope you're alright. Might I trouble you for some hcs for the Obey Me! Brothers with an MC wandering the HoL late at night because they can't sleep? Take care and enjoy your day! 💫

Good day anon!! I’m going to have to cut this shorter than I would’ve liked, but I really wanted to get this out there! (I hope you take care as well, and thank you for your kind words!)

Edit: I lied, I think this is longer than the last ask, forgive me -

Demon Brothers’ Reactions to an MC Wandering the HoL Late at Night

Lucifer

He heard your footsteps before actually seeing you.

He was working late into the night again when your feet padded by his door, sounding listless. He checked the time: 1:07am.

What were you doing up at this hour?

You were about to turn the corner when his door opened, his head poking out. 

His eyes zeroed in on you. “What are you doing?”

You look to the side, shifting on your feet. Ultimately, you shrug. “Just walking, I guess.”

“Just walking.” He repeated blandly, and had to mentally count to ten so he didn’t explode. “You’re walking instead of sleeping? Tomorrow...well, later today I suppose, we have RAD to attend to. You should be in your room.”

Uneasiness flickered across your face despite you doing your best to hide it, and he noticed it. “Maybe I just want to clear my head for a bit? The halls are nice and quiet at night. It’s...calming.”

...Oh. So that’s what was going on.

Lucifer stepped out of his room, closing the door behind him and walking to catch up with you. “Then I suppose you won’t mind if I join you on this little excursion of yours.”

You looked like you were going to protest, but in the end you sighed. “Alright, let’s go.”

It was quiet as you two walked. Lucifer didn’t say a word, which surprised you; you thought he was going to scold you for wandering the halls so late.

“Oh, I will; however, that won’t exactly help you in this instance, now will it?”

- Wait, you said that out loud? ...Well then.

You grimaced. “Some things...are better left unsaid. “Let sleeping dogs lie” and all that.”

He wanted to press for more information, but the bags under your (interestingly enough) alert eyes stayed his hand.

He nodded. “I understand.”

Your late-night/early morning walk with him made you feel more at ease. For the first time that night, you felt tired enough to fall asleep.

You two pause outside your door. You had subconsciously found your way back here, as if you knew that this walk would tire you out. “Hey, Lucifer?”

“Hm?” He hummed, turning to you.

“...Thanks. For this, I mean.”

His eyes widened a fraction before a smirk spread across his lips. “Of course. If you have trouble falling asleep in the future, then feel free to knock on my door. I will always answer.”

It was a promise. You nodded, waving him off before flopping onto your bed.

You take him up on his offer every once in a while, especially when it seems like he’s overworking himself. (...Which is all the time.)

Mammon

You wandered the halls because you had a nightmare.

You woke up with adrenaline coursing through your veins, heart racing and breaths coming out in short gasps. A cry for help died on your lips as you became more aware of your surroundings, and you blinked to get the tears out of your eyes. You wished you could say that you didn’t remember it, but you did.

Lucifer. Levi. Satan. Asmo. Beel. Belphie. Solomon. Simeon. Luke. Barbatos. Diavolo.

One by one, they all left you. 

You couldn’t even reach your family in the Human Realm; they had left you too, long before the others did.

Mammon was the last to go, grinning as he told you that he played you like a fiddle. “Ya should know better than to trust a demon, y’know. Humans are so stupid! I already took all of your money; have fun livin’ now...if ya can.”

You...had no one.

You pressed the heel of your palm into your eye, letting out a shaky chuckle. You knew what it meant; monophobia. It was the same dream you’ve been having for the past month, and to be honest...you were starting to believe it. It wasn’t like you could confide in anybody, either; you lived in a house full of demons, after all.

I’m just an ordinary human with life experiences unique to me that make up my person. I’m...I’m alone.

Is that why I was hell-bent on befriending people down here? You asked yourself, but asking yourself made you feel worse and hyper-aware of your big, dark room.

It’s empty in here.

You felt like you were suffocating, so once you wrapped a blanket around yourself (because it felt like a hug, like someone cared enough to wrap their arms around you, but it was only a blanket and you had no one) you left your room.

You didn’t know where you were going; all you knew was that you had to go. You started out at a slow walk, speeding up into a fast pace, then a run, and then you were sprinting -

“OW!!”

You accidentally hit someone in your panic, the other almost falling over.

You took a step forward, berating yourself for not watching your surroundings better. “I’m sor- ”

You stopped once you saw who it was. Mammon dusted himself off, grumbling about “running into trouble no matter what he did” when he noticed you.

“What the hell are ya doin’ out here, so late at night? Don’t humans need their sleep or somethin’?” He looked you over, fussing about how “his human was a magnet for danger” and that he couldn’t even keep his eyes off for a second lest you walk into a life-threatening situation.

He patted your shoulders. “Not a hair out of place. If you’re goin’ somewhere, why didn’t ya tell me? I’m your first man, after all; I gotta protect ya!”

You blinked. Then, without warning, something wet trailed down your cheeks as you stared at him in silence.

Needless to say, Mammon freaked out. “Wh-What?! Hey, y-you don’t gotta cry over that! I’m fine! You didn’t even hit me that hard, see? N-Now stop cryin’, damnit!”

You let out a watery laugh. “It’s not that...you know what? Nevermind.”

Mammon trailed after you as you walked down the hallway. “Oi, don’t leave me hangin’! Why did ya start bawlin’? HEY!!”

You didn’t have to worry about a thing. Even if your family left you...

Even if the whole world turned against you...

Deep in your heart, you knew that Mammon would never betray you.

Leviathan

“Dun, dun, dundun dun, dun, dundun dun, dun, dundun- NUNUNUUU!!”

You whisper-sang the Mission: Impossible theme song as you crept down the halls, peeking the corners as if you were going to be shot at without warning.

You narrowed your eyes at a particular entryway, a grin spreading across your lips. 

“Target acquired.”

You stepped into the kitchen, slowly opening the fridge and wincing whenever it made a sound. Beel knew the noises the fridge made by heart, so he would no doubt run in if he heard that something was amiss.

You pulled out a slice of angel cake Luke had gifted to you earlier, your stomach rumbling in anticipation. You had waited oh so long for this moment, and now nothing was going to stop you from -

“...Uh.”

Levi stood in the doorway, headphones slipping off his ears as he pushed them down. He looked like he’d seen a ghost, and you looked like you’d seen a ghost, and oh diavolo this was awkward.

He gasped, pointing at you. “You!!”

You gasped, pointing at him. “You!!”

(You know the spider-man meme? Yeah that’s the one)

Levi’s next gasp was dramatic. It seemed that he saw your angel cake, his finger shifting to point at that instead. “STOP!! You have violated the law! You must pay the court a fine, or you shall pay the price!”

Your eyes narrowed. “Hoh?” You picked up your fork, holding it out in front of you like a sword. “I wonder if you’re all bark and no bite.”

Levi reached into a nearby drawer, taking out a fork of his own and pointing the prongs at you. His eyes flashed; a challenge.

“Maybe you should ask yourself that, outlaw!”

You both carefully hit each other’s utensils, mimicking light saber sounds with the occasional snicker.

After a couple of minutes, Levi leapt back. You gasped; was he readying his special attack?!

He held his head up high, his fork- no, his sword - raised above his head. 

“ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS!!”

You scowled, your own fork sword raised to copy his. 

“IF SHE BREATHES...SHE’S A THOT!!!”

You both screamed as you clashed, crashing into each other as your forks went flying. You were both laughing on the floor, imitating death cries.

You loved messing around with Levi.

“...So, why are you eating that now?” He asked, shifting to face you.

You grinned. “I was hungry.”

He laughed. “You’re a weird normie, you know that?”

“What is the meaning of this?”

Lucifer’s voice grew louder as his footsteps approached the kitchen, sounding irritated. It looks like you were too loud while battling...whoops.

You and Levi looked at each other, then at the forks, then back at each other, then at the cake, then at each other once more.

“RUN!!” He screamed, snatching his fork. You grabbed your plate and your fork before taking off after him, Lucifer’s yells fading as you escaped into the safety of Levi’s room.

You two ended up sharing the angel cake. It was delicious.

(You got yelled at by Lucifer the next day, but hey; that’s tomorrow’s self’s problems. Now, it was time to eat cake.)

Satan

He caught you just as he exited the library, a book tucked away underneath his arm.

“Ah- ” He said, letting out a soft whoosh of air as you bumped into each other.

Instead of greeting him or apologizing, you clutched his shirt. “Satan. Just the demon I wanted to see.”

He raised a brow. “...What are you doing up so late at night?”

You shook your head. “Not today, Satan! Can we go back to your room?”

He frowned. You looked frantic, to say the least, and if he could help, then... “Follow me.”

Once there, you took a seat on the floor. Satan placed his book (No Longer Human) on the shortest stack of books he could find, sitting on his bed.

He patted the spot next to him. “You can sit up here, you know.”

You quickly took him up on his offer, sitting cross-legged as you turned to face him. Your face was so comically serious that he would be laughing if he wasn’t so worried.

“What’s wrong?”

You didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Satan’s concern only grew once you started shaking, wondering which of his brothers he had to “have a chat with”.

“Did you know...that whales don’t live long enough to die of old age because they just don’t have the energy to make it back up to the surface anymore?”

Satan’s face went carefully blank. “...Could you repeat that?”

“They all drown!” You wail. “They suffocate in the ocean, which is their home! And that’s if fishermen don’t kill them or other animals do!”

Why did he ever think that it was anything serious when it came to you

He sighed. It was late, he was tired, you were tired, but...

He smiled. You got hung up on the strangest of facts, didn’t you? It was endearing.

“I see.” He said, holding out his arms. “All I can offer is some comfort, small as that may be.”

You launched yourself at him, and he fell back on the bed with a small oomph as you rapidly talked about how whales deserved better from this cruel, cruel world of ours.

He patted your shoulder. It seemed like he wasn’t getting any sleep soon, but...

As long as it was with you, this wasn’t so bad.

Asmodeus

Needless to say, he scolded you.

...Unless you were up because you had a sleepover with him. Then, you were fine.

But that didn’t apply to this instance.

“What in the world are you doing out here?!” He asked, grabbing your arm and practically dragging you to his room. “You do realize that you need your beauty sleep, right? Come; I’ll make sure you get the best sleep you’ve ever had!”

You were a little scared, but that was only because he had appeared out of nowhere. You matched his pace with a raised brow, trying to calm your racing heart. “Asmo, why did you jump out at me? I could’ve had a heart attack!”

He laughed. “The only heart attack I want you to suffer from is if it’s due to my stunning beauty.”

You smiled as the two of you entered his room. “So, what’s on the menu for tonight?”

He sat you down on one of his chairs, pulling out multiple bottles of...who-knows-what. The long brand names coupled with the loopy writing was enough to give you a stroke.

He stood behind you, a brush in one hand and a comb in the other. There was an excited grin on his face, which you could see from the HUGE impressively-sized mirror in front of you.

“Why, self care, of course!”

An hour or two later, and you both were relaxing on his bed with a content sigh. Asmo was a professional at self care, and you swear that you haven’t felt this good in...well, it’s been a while.

He shifted to face you. “Enjoying yourself?”

You nodded. “Of course, Asmo. You have the heavenly skills of a god.”

You both laughed at the irony of that statement, nestling underneath the covers.

Asmo threw his arm over you. “Well, as heavenly as my hands may be...it’s time to sleep. Beauty waits for no one, after all.”

You hummed in agreement, slipping your eyes closed. You could feel yourself drifting off...

“Thanks for this.”

Your breathing evened out, signalling that you were asleep. Asmo smiled, placing a small kiss on your forehead.

“Anytime. Come to me when you feel restless again, okay?”

Beelzebub

Beel was the one to have a nightmare.

He didn’t remember what it was, but when he came to his hand was outstretched towards the ceiling, tears dotting his pillowcase. He rolled out of bed, quietly padding out of the room so that he didn’t accidentally wake his twin up.

He rubbed his eyes. Even though he didn’t remember it, he could guess what it was about.

I’ve been having nightmares more often lately...

He saw the light of the fireplace as he passed by the entrance to the living room, and he wondered who else was up. Was it Lucifer? Levi?

Once he gaze fell on you fiddling with your D.D.D. on the couch, he stepped in.

“Aren’t you tired?”

His voice startled you, almost making you drop your device.

“Oh, Beel! What are you doing up?”

He shook his head, loosely grasping his left wrist as he frowned. “I just woke up and saw that the light was on,” He said as he sat down. “I was curious.”

You shifted to let him sit next to you, throwing a smile his way. “Funny coincidence, huh? I couldn’t fall back asleep either.”

A small smile formed at your words. “At least it’s the weekend.”

You stretched. “I know! Lucifer can’t yell at us for this!”

Beel looked off to the side in thought, giving a decisive nod. “He would still find something that we messed up on to yell about, though.”

Your snort of laughter made him feel lighter, erasing any traces of the mind-numbing fear and grief sadness his nightmare left behind.

You tapped his arm. “Something up?”

He shook his head, a smile blooming on his face as he looked at you. “...No, not anymore. Do you want to go grab something to eat with me?”

You leapt to your feet with a grin. “Beel, when will I ever say no to that?”

And so, you two raided the fridge of its contents and snacked on whatever you could find. You talked about anything and everything that came to mind, throwing out the garbage before huddling against each other in front of the dying embers.

You wrapped a blanket around you both, a yawn escaping you. “Thanks for being my hangout buddy, Beel.”

He beamed, its radiance slightly dulled by his tiredness. “We’re family. It’s the least I could do.”

You fell asleep against each other, and the other brothers couldn’t help but take pictures of the heartwarming scene once they found you two.

For the first time in weeks, Beel slept peacefully.

Belphegor

Belphie was en route to the planetarium when he ran into you.

“Going somewhere?” He asked with amusement in his voice, watching you compose yourself.

You jabbed a finger at him. “I am, actually. I was going...uh...”

He raised an eyebrow as you flailed to find an answer despite having recollected yourself moments prior, dragging it out before he decided to throw you a mercy line. “I’m going to the planetarium, if you want to come.”

You nodded, relief flashing across your features. “Thanks, Belphie.”

You two made a pile of blankets on the floor, pointing out constellations and making up stories for them. ...Well, you were, at least; Belphie was content to let you ramble, quietly chuckling at your elaborate depictions of each celestial body you pointed out.

“What are you doing up, anyways?” He asked, interrupting your recent tale.

You huffed. “Way to kill the vibe, Edgelord.”

He raised a brow. “...And the vibe happened to be you describing how Orion brutally skewed the Ursa Minor for his lover?”

You nodded sagely. “It’s a tale of love and betrayal, of sacrifice and ambition.”

He snorted. “Are you going to answer the question?”

You rolled over to face him. “I just...couldn’t sleep, I guess.”

“You can’t sleep?” He repeated, looking over at you in surprise. He shook off his initial reaction with a small, exasperated smile. “It looks like you came to the right demon, then.”

You flopped back dramatically onto the piles. “Please impart your wisdom on me, O wise one.”

Instead of scoffing at you, like he usually did, he placed a hand onto your head. “You won’t have to worry about any nightmares tonight.”

- And then you were out.

He sighed. “Just what am I going to do with you...?”

He now makes sure to check up on you from time-to-time, pulling you in for a dreamless sleep whenever he sees your fatigue. Despite himself napping the most in either the attic or the room he shared with Beel, he would lead you to the planetarium to sleep.

It was a sacred place for him, and who better to share it with than with you?

[the-bounce-back]

5 STEPS TO  EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT FROM TOXIC AND USELESS SOMEBODIES

Well, hello there. It’s been a slightly long minute… but I’m back with another banger for your headtops. A lot has happened since my (four month late) birthday post in which I said I was going to write more regularly… but you know what? I refuse to feel bad about it. We’re really in a whole pandemic, life is hurling curveballs at all of us at very disrespectful rates, and now the year is coming to an end very swiftly - like say it wasn’t June just a couple weeks ago. Yes, I’ve been feeling extremely unmotivated to come on here and give everyone a pEpTaLk about how ~*great*~ life is once you let go of everything that’s been holding you back - and that’s okay. I’ve decided to give myself a break instead of beating myself up over it, and can’t lie… I needed it. Besides - posting this post in particular now coincides nicely with releasing and purging all the drama that has been happening during this year before 2021 arrives, so let’s just pretend that the delay was intentional. Okay? Okay!

All jokes aside, I have been struggling a little with writing about this topic, because I really wanted to make sure I did it properly. If you read my never-ending birthday post (if not, read it here), you might remember that one of the points was that learning how to detach yourself from toxic people and situations is pretty much crucial for you to be able to fully let go of the past, to be able to move forward in life without any remorse or guilt, and to never revisit what used to be very painful situations ever again. As much as my own detachment jOuRnEy has been going relatively well, to say that the whole “letting things go and never revisiting them again” thing has proven to be quite the challenge would be the understatement of the century.

By quite the challenge, I mean a f*cking nightmare.

I’m sure many of you can relate when I say that having all this forced time off/downtime throughout the past year has made introspection, reflection and self-analysis pretty much inevitable. Even when you’re just trying to chill and binge watch your favourite box set for the gazillionth time as a distraction, eventually your thoughts catch up with you - forcing you to face certain things that were so easily ignored and avoidable when the outside was still open. 

When you spend so much time of a day in your thoughts (trying not to lose your mind from the boredom), it’s only natural to start evaluating your situation, relationships and state of mind. I can only speak for myself, but going from constantly being able to avoid certain thoughts and feelings to suddenly being brutally forced to sit with them ended up being the catalyst I needed to want to find a way to finally strip myself of all the painful baggage, situations and people that have been holding me back from moving forward in life. Aaaand cue the inevitable - but extremely necessary - discomfort that the detachment process brings.

Hella revelations. Hella difficult conversations. Hella growing pains. Hella tears. Hella ended relationships/friendships. The list goes on.

I realise that I’m not exactly selling the whole detachment thing very well, but let’s be very real - it is painful, and you definitely need to be in the correct headspace to even be able to admit to yourself that you’ve allowed a certain situation to go on for so long. I can’t even lie, living in denial and turning a blind eye to former fRiEnDs’ behaviours and how they treated me was a hell of a lot easier. I accidentally got into the habit of justifying and defending other peoples’ mistakes and sh*tty behaviours, no matter how much it hurt me in the process… all because I saw pOtEntIaL in them.

Bruh. Typing it out like this and reading it out to myself is even annoying me. Ya girl is pissed for letting this sh*t run because where was my logic? My critical thinking skills? Common sense? InTuItIoN that I claim to have?! Was my third eye asleep?!

Sigh. Let me relax. It is well… no point in beating myself up over it now. But still.

However - with that being said - I definitely feel like I had to put myself through a lot of that sh*t, because if I hadn’t I’d definitely still be clinging on to expired/toxic friendships and connections. Going through it really had me in a place of suspecting that everyone wanted to hurt me and/or take advantage of my kindness. Luckily, I met some amazing people along the way that reminded me that not everyone is trash, that I am deserving of genuine and real connections, and that I need to learn how to let go of people once they start moving all kinds of mad… enter the concept of detachment.

As you can probably tell from the ever so slightly passive-aggressive title - no, I haven’t fully mastered the art of detachment… yet. I definitely have a long way to go before I can commit to the last couple of steps of the process, because as a chronic overthinker that looooves to analyse past situations and an eMpAtH that hates giving up on people, simply ~*letting go*~ is infinitely more easier said than done… but definitely not impossible. It really is an ongoing process, and I can tell you from now that you will revert back into the toxic mindsets that lead you to your current situation at least 1000 times along the way… but what’s important is learning how to g-check yourself, remind yourself why you are doing this and to keep it pushing no matter what.

Anyways. Without further ado, keep on reading to find out how to leave your d*ckhead exes, fake-ass friends and painful memories in 2020, so you can move forward into 2021 with love, light, a clean slate, peace of mind and all that other corny and cringe sh*t that we all crave - and never look back. Enjoy!

1. Set a very concrete reason why you want to start the detachment process.

Usually, this is a no-brainer. Most likely, the person you’ve decided you want to detach from has just done or said something unforgivable that makes you feel sick for ever even being associated with them. Or, you’ve clocked a series of minor violations that have built up over time… and one more tiny violation pushes you over the edge and makes you lose your head. Either way, it works as a catalyst to make you finally realise just how little respect they have for you, your feelings or your mental health.

However, there are certain situations where the reason may not be as clear as “she f*cked my ex” or “he stole £5k from my account” - sometimes, it’s literally just a gut feeling that someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart the way you have for them. Regardless, it is important to remember that any and all reasons to want to let someone go are valid, and you don’t owe anybody an explanation. This is your healing process and journey, and you’re the one that’s going to have to deal with the pain of it - so anyone that has any remarks on how/why/when you do it can choke, because what’s their own?

With that being said, it is imperative to make sure that the reason is strong enough for you to be able to stick to the process - because believe me when I say that there will be times where you’ll start asking yourself if you’re overreacting, if it’s really that deep, you’re being too sEnSiTiVe or being too radical. These thoughts are either a way for our mind to avoid having to process a lot of sh*t that will probably be very emotionally painful to work through, or a result of being gaslighted and being told that it’s nothing serious. In those cases, a strong reason should be enough to keep you reminded of why you are putting yourself through this process. It should keep you going, and help you find yourself on your darkest days when you just want to give up.

For me, determining a good reason that I know I will stick to became easier over time, because I realised that really delving deep into the root cause of the issue makes everything so much clearer. For example - yes, while Lucy shagging your ex and then meeting up with you for drinks is violation enough, chances are that if you dig deeper, you’ll realise that there’s been repeated pattern of her not respecting you as a friend, disregarding your feelings and not caring about how her actions affect you. In instances like this, it becomes easier to commit to cutting them out of your life, because it’s not just a “one-off” violation, if that makes sense.

The bottom line is that regardless of what the reason is, it should be a clear indication that you are choosing you. Your mental health, your sanity, your energy, your present and your future - and why would you want to jeopardize any of these for someone that clearly doesn’t appreciate your worth?

2. Find healthy coping methods to release your emotions.

I’ll be honest with you - the beginning of the detachment process is definitely the most difficult part, emotionally speaking. Yes, the whole journey is hard, but it’s in the beginning where you have to adapt to not speaking to this person anymore, not seeing them anymore, and having to force yourself to establish heavy boundaries with them… which will most likely be met with reactions that will make you want to respond in some way. Just because you know someone isn’t good for you anymore, doesn’t mean that your old feelings for the person just magically evaporate into nothing. 

As much as you may hate to admit it to others and even yourself, you’re going to be hurting. And pain has a way of pushing us to find coping methods to release these emotions - or not have to deal with them at all.

Trust me, as much as I understand and can personally attest to that coping methods that numb your senses may feel like the best option at the time, the truth is that they do nothing for your personal growth. Sure, sometimes you just don’t want to feel - but what happens when you’re sober again? The feelings come right back - and now you’re really playing a dangerous game that can lead to spiralling, health problems and addiction. In the long run, you rarely end up feeling any better.

Healthy coping mechanisms look different for everyone, but there are definitely a few that are universal and can be good for pretty much anyone regardless of the specifics of the situation. 

Talking to someone you trust (or a therapist). Working out. Indulging (heavily) in self-care. Doing things that bring you joy. Finding a creative outlet that you can pour all your feelings into… like a mental health blog(!). The possibilities are endless if you stay open minded and genuinely want to get better.

For those that may be stuck in that dark place where literally nothing will make you feel better (except maybe the person you’re trying to detach from… gets like that sometimes), or you feel like your energy is extremely limited - try to set one goal for the day. Just the one. Even if it is just tidying your room, taking a shower or doing the dishes. Setting minor goals that you realistically feel are achievable - and achieving them - are very helpful in gradually building up the confidence in yourself that you will get past this part of your life. And that goes for all situations in life that are heavy -  not just the detachment process.

3. Find ways to keep your mind in the present and on the future. 

So, you’ve started to begrudgingly get used to the fact that the person isn’t going to be around in your life anymore. You might even have started to realise how much your stress-levels have reduced, and begun to realise that this whole process was an excellent idea. However… not quite enough time has passed for you to be fully immersed in your journey, and you still think about them pretty much all the time. You’re feeling like a nitty trying to cope without crack for the first time in years, and that’s okay.

While it is important to allow yourself to fully acknowledge your feelings and mourn the loss of what used to be a very strong connection, you definitely owe it to yourself to try your best to remain present during this time. As tempting as dramatically starting out the window while it rains and thinking about them - like you’re in a music video - may sound, doing this is guaranteed to keep you firmly lodged in the past, and very stagnant in life… and we don’t want that. 

Just do a couple songs to get the dramatics out of your system, then get ready to boss the f*ck up.

Now might feel like the worst possible time to start something new, especially since your emotions are probably all over the place and you’re finding it hard to focus on little else. But trust me when I say that this is exactly why you need to do it - you need to reclaim your life by putting yourself back into the main focus of it. And what better way to do it than starting a project you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t because of insecurities and/or self-doubt?

Regardless of if it’s pursuing a new hobby or even starting your own business, having an activity that brings you joy, challenges you and pushes you to set and exceed goals for yourself is imperative at this kind of time in your life. While a lot of the detachment process is pretty much trying to force yourself not to think about someone - thus making you want to think about them even more - having a passion project is a healthy way of willingly keeping your mind in the present and on your future. This, because you’ll constantly be looking for ways to improve your skills for yourself and your success in life.

Personally speaking, this blog was the perfect passion project for me back when I started my own detachment process. It still is - despite my inconsistency in writing, there actually isn’t a day that goes by without me thinking about future posts and what messages I want to share with whoever ends up reading it. However, since my writing does involve a lot of reflecting on past situations, I’ve decided to expand my creativity and start selling my art (check it out here, we love a cheeky and shameless self plug!). Focusing mostly on drawing, getting more involved in the art community, investing in art supplies and researching drawing methods lately has definitely made me more present and motivated… and I’ll even go as far as saying that I’ve forgotten about the people I’m detaching from at times.

The point I’m trying to make is that doing something you enjoy for your own mental wellbeing is one of the most rewarding parts of this whole detachment palaver. When you fully deep how much of your time that used to be spent worrying and stressing yourself out over someone trash, and focus that time on something creative that actually benefits you and makes you feel better about yourself, you’ll soon find yourself asking yourself why you didn’t start earlier.

Of course, it is important to remember that while feeling passionate and motivated in your creative/business ventures after feeling like sh*t for so long is a great thing, you should still make room for sitting with your feelings from time to time. Especially in the beginning. There’s a very, very fine line between using a hobby to empower and uplift yourself, and using it as a distraction to not think or feel at all. At the end of the day, it’s all about finding a good balance that takes into account where you currently are in your healing process - over time you’ll realise that you won’t need as many “days off” to be in your feelings, and trust me… that realisation and feeling is phenomenal.

4. Forgive and heal.

I just love how I’ve bunched these two together into one cute little step like they’re not the hardest part of the process. In theory, forgiving someone for yourself (not for their benefit) makes a lot of sense, but let’s be honest… a lot of us lie to both others and ourselves when we say we’ve moved on and forgiven them. 

I, for one, can confidently say that most people I’ve claimed to have fOrGiVeN still live in the deepest parts of my mind rent free. They might not be present all the time in the way that they used to since I started the detachment process, but once I get in my feelings their presence is often there as strong as ever… and this is okay. Of course you’re not going to magically forget how someone treated you just because you’re committed to moving on, but there comes a certain point where you realise that all you’re doing is going round and round in circles in your mind, while time is just passing you by. Think about it - how many hours of your life do you reckon you have spent in bed, staring at the ceiling dramatically while fuming over a situation in which you were done dirty?

If you’re anything like me, the answer is BARE. And don’t even get me started on how the amount of hours increased more than tenfold during the lockdown because I couldn’t even distract myself properly.

Actual footage of me re-deeping a vio at 4 am.

But as much as lamenting to yourself about how much sh*t you’ve let slide and how you’re never going to let yourself be treated like that again is healing in itself, at some point you literally feel yourself losing the plot from replaying the situation in your head so much.

This is a sign that it’s time to heal and truly move on. It’s time to evict them from your mind… because they have millions of pounds in rent arrears at this point… and that can’t run, because what kind of disrespect?! You deserve better than shitty tenants, or worse - squatters.

Ok, enough with the renting comparisons because I can’t concentrate while chuckling to myself. The thing about healing and moving forward is that there is no one size fits all solution that works for everyone, so all I can really do is speak for myself and hopefully provide some tools that you can use to tailor your own healing journey. 

This is going to sound very dramatic and depressing - because it is - but I’ve noticed that for me, the past creeps into my mind in the form of happy memories and good times… inevitably making me reminisce about people that used to mean a lot to me. This might not seem like anything harmful - surely there’s nothing wrong with reliving some good times in your head, right?

Wrong. For me, it starts off all cute and positive - but then my mind starts to wander. I start to remember other memories with the person. The bad memories that made me not want to have them in my life anymore. The memories in which I realised exactly how worthless, disrespected and unappreciated they made me feel… and what was meant to be happy reminiscing turns into either sadness or frustration, because now I have to re-open their case to really make sense of how much they had me f*cked up back then. Aaand before I know it, hours upon hours of angry analysing have passed by. Time that I’ll never get back, which will never sit right with me.

The way I’ve managed to combat this is by throwing myself into my own self-growth and self-love journey. In simple terms, placing all my focus on my mental wellbeing, my future goals and personal development makes it gradually easier to leave the past in the past - because the more I evolve, the less I associate myself with past versions of myself where I may not have been as strong, secure and assertive, as reminding myself of my worth has made me now. I can now understand and accept why I chose not to see the disrespect at the time - usually because of my former attachment issues, or because I deluded myself into thinking that the person cared the same way I did. El oh el.

Basically, I realised that a lot of my attachments to these toxic people came from a place of unresolved trauma, lack of validation and low self-worth. Once I identified these issues and started working through them, I noticed that placing my focus on understanding myself instead of someone else made things easier to cope with - because while I’ll never fully understand how someone else's mind works, I can work on understanding mine because I’m literally in it 24/7, 365. 

In other words, healing and forgiveness is all about YOU and your development, and has very little to do with the other person in the long run.

Another large part of the forgiveness process for me is dedicating some time to use what I know about the person that I’m trying to detach from to understand the “bigger picture” of why they treated me the way that they did. A vast majority of cases just made me realise that their actions, thought processes and ideas were literally just a series of trauma responses and projections that they weren’t aware of - or were aware of, but refused to address.

Either way, this is where my empathetic nature works in my favour - because I know what it’s like to not be able to swallow your pride and deny certain negative aspects of yourself. Admitting that you’ve been in the wrong and that you need to heal takes a great deal of self-awareness and humility - traits that the people I’ve dealt with definitely do not embody. The unfortunate truth is that a lot of people might even live their whole life deluding themselves that they are okay, that their actions don’t hurt others and that they are not to blame for anything. When I realised this, I noticed that a lot of my anger started to fade - and I started to pity them instead, making forgiveness slightly easier. What’s important to remember here is that while pity can make you want to bE tHeRe for the person and help them heal, it’s actually very much their personal journey. You can’t help someone that doesn’t realise they need it, or that doesn’t want to be helped - so all you can do is leave them to it and focus on your own life.

Another important aspect of forgiveness and healing is remembering that it is inherently an act of self-care, and not a service you’re doing to the other person. You’re not “letting them off easy”, “letting sh*t slide”, or “letting them win” by choosing to not allow the situation poison your thoughts, feelings and present anymore. You’re choosing your mental health, sanity and future - all very valid reasons for jUsT LeTtInG gO, if you ask me.

“But Liv! How do I know that I am truly ready to move forward? And how do I know that these feelings won’t come back and re-trigger me in the future, despite all this effort I’ve put into healing now?”

Excellent questions. I wish I had better answers... but the harsh truth for both is that you don’t. You have no idea what’s going to happen, how people are going to act, what will remind you of the situation or what is going to trigger you. You have zero control over the situation, and you’ll come to the ugly realisation that the world, in fact, doesn’t revolve around you and your comfort and mental health.

I know, right? Imagine my shock, horror and surprise when I realised this.

The truth is that life is going to keep throwing cute little triggering curveballs at you, and the only thing you can truly control is how you react to it. You can choose to let it poison your mind and mood… or you can simply sit with it, allow it to pass without attaching emotions to it, and then keep it pushing when you’re ready to.

I’d definitely argue that this part of the process is the hardest to achieve - especially when you’re an emotional drama Queen like myself. However, once you get to that point where you can let your triggers and memories pass without affecting the present… you’ve pretty much won, because nothing can rattle you anymore. You become truly unf*ckwithable, and I can’t wait until I get to this stage of my process. 

In the meantime, it’s all about constantly reminding yourself to stay in the present, because life will keep going on regardless of where your mind is at.

5. Be grateful for the process and do not look back.

I know, I know - feeling gratitude when you’re neck-deep in the sh*t is infinitely easier said than done. When you’re there ugly crying in the mirror, the last thing on your mind is going to be “Aw, look how much I’ve grown! I love that for myself! Well done, me!”. However, when you’re all exhausted, cried out and feel that zen feeling afterwards (you know what I’m on about), take time to acknowledge that while it feels like it’s never going to end now, one day you’ll be able to make your peace with what happened and that it will never happen again. 

Be grateful to yourself over your resilience, how much you’ve learnt and how highly you must regard yourself for pushing yourself through this whole experience - because as you know by now, it is extremely hard.

When you can learn to see past the pain and emotional distress this whole process has caused you and find silver linings that you can be grateful for, it’s finally time to start looking towards never looking back on the situation ever again. Or, at the very least, being able to think about it without attaching any emotion to it, and just letting the thoughts pass by without any judgement before gently bringing yourself back to the present and getting on with your happier, stress-free life. Sometimes it can be easy to romanticize an old connection when a lot of time has passed, and you start to forget why you were so angry and hurt in the first place. In these cases, it’s important to remind yourself of why letting go and keeping it pushing is so important for your growth. Here are some things I like to consider when I feel myself spending too much time on memory lane, reminiscing and lowkey wishing I hadn’t been emotionally intelligent enough to recognise I needed to move forward:

Where would I be - emotionally and mentally - right now if I hadn’t decided to put myself first?

If I met someone new that reminds me of the person I’m detaching from, how would I react?

How have my current friendships and other relationships changed since deciding to focus on detachment and healing?

When comparing my past state of mind to my current one, what has changed in regard to how I view myself? How I view relationships/friendships? 

How has pushing myself being the best version of myself set me up for future relationships, friendships and generations (if I end up having kids)?

Spoiler alert: I can tell you now that you will realise that you have grown so much without even realising it. Seemingly behind your own back, you’ve become a self-aware, self-loving, no-sh*t-taking, confident powerhouse that would rather have all your toenails slowly extracted before even considering letting someone get away with disrespecting you ever again. You will realise that everyone currently in your life is there because you want them to be - not because you need them in any way. They’re there because they love and support you the way you deserve to be - but you know that if anyone was to act up, it’s curtains… because now you know that anyone that doesn’t consider your mental health and happiness important has no place in your life. And that’s on Tampax Compak Super Plus.

I want to end this post with a personal story from my own detachment process. As those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time know, one of the biggest reasons why I even started this blog in the first place was to have an outlet for my emotions and to help myself to heal after a bad breakup. 

When I say I thought I was going to die, I’m not even being dramatic or exaggerating. I legit thought that I would never be able to move past it, or get over him. Back then - despite having a decent background in psychology and understanding the importance of expressing my emotions - I chose to bottle things up (except for in therapy) and turned to unhealthy coping methods so I didn’t have to feel so much. I can’t lie… life was very sh*t, and I honestly struggled to see the point of even being alive anymore.

Fast forward about a year - I made the conscious decision to take responsibility for my healing and detachment, because I realised that holding on to someone that hurt me so badly wasn’t healthy. Deciding to let go of all the promises we made to each other, the memories and good times is hands down one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I realised that just clinging onto the past just because of familiarity was not the one. Plus, at this point I had started to be able to admit to myself that the relationship was never as perfect as I had made it out to be in my head - making it easier and easier to gradually let go. I begrudgingly continued the healing and detachment process, winging it and hoping for the best.

Major time skip to just a few months ago - I’m literally just at home, chilling, minding my business. All of that. I went on the calendar app on my phone to check something, when it suddenly hit me that what would’ve been our seven year anniversary had passed a few days before… and I hadn’t even noticed. A date that used to mean so much to me and get me in my feelings just a year before, had now completely slipped my mind.

What’s more is that when I clocked it… I felt nothing. Nada. Zilch. And that’s when I fully realised how oblivious I had been to the bigger picture of my healing journey, because the sudden apathy towards a situation that really had me considering if life was even worth it anymore really came as a surprise. Even now, as I’m writing this and am clearly thinking about how dirty I got done… I feel nothing besides how proud I am of myself, and I love that for myself.

If I - THEE most sentimental, dramatic and emotional woman on the planet - can get there, trust me… you definitely can too. I had to figure out the “formula” for myself, but now that I’ve given it to you, you literally have no excuse for not letting that toxic and useless somebody hurt you anymore. Get to it! 

With that being said, I wish you a happy, stress-free, peaceful and self-loving 2021, because you deserve it. I can’t wait to share my new ideas with you in the new year, so I’ll see you on the oThEr SiDe.

Love,

Liv

[wannabeemoprincess]

Over the past year of a global pandemic, there seems to be two main competing narratives of recent events that we have in the West. The first narrative being that COVID is a very real issue that we need to take action to fight against, the other that COVID is either completely fake, or greatly exaggerated for some sort of political gain, and any action the government takes in the name of fighting it is actually a sinister power grab. The first narrative tends to focus on personal responsibility, insisting that if we wear our masks, wash our hands, stay 6 feet apart, refuse to hug grandma, and listen to the experts everything will be fine. the people who refuse to comply are either dumb or bad, or both. 

The second narrative claims to focus on personal liberty, insisting that government overreach is killing small businesses, that public health orders to wear masks or get vaccines is some how tyranny and a violation of their "self ownership", and liberals hate your grandparents for being old racist white people so they want them to die alone. Or something. Both these narratives have their flaws, and I would like to try and address both while presenting a more dialectical understanding of recent events.

The first narrative definitely gets the closest to the truth, but it really fumbles explaining much or providing a plan after it identifies the very real problem of COVID, and the need for a proper response to save lives. This concept that anyone who is anti-vax or anti-mask is just simply anti-facts, anti-science, and either bad or dumb or both is dangerously reductive *at best*. A lot of the time when I see people responding to anti-mask/anti-vax rhetoric it's very dismissive, telling people to just shut up and trust the experts, because you are dumb and they are smart and essentially good people who only want to help us. But like, if you bother to actually look at history you can find *tons* of examples of supposed experts either lying or covering up information for corporate profits at the cost of the well being of the people. One easy example would be when tobacco companies used to insist that doctors actually recommended smoking, promoting their deadly cancer sticks as some how healthy.

A more relevant example would be the Tuskegee experiments, an experiment in 1932 where around 600 Black men were deceived into participating in the experiment under the belief they would receive free medical care, however, instead were used without informed consent as human test subjects. The objective of the study was to observe untreated syphilis, treatment was never part of the plan. This wasn't only a massive ethical violation, but a prime example of how white supremacy can effect every aspect of society and even parts such as health care are tainted by it. The men abused for this "study" were told it would last 6 months, however it was extended to last 40 years, only cancelled after a leak caused public pressure to finally stop this barbaric "study". Unfortunately 128 of the victims had already died at this point due to syphilis or related complications.

Now, A lot of the anti-mask and anti-vax crowd tends to be white. And I'm honestly not sure how many of them are very informed on the subject of the Tuskegee experiments. However, there is a very recent example that has almost definitely affected the typically privileged middle class white demographic particularly harder than usual where medical professionals deceived the public for financial gain, experts lied in their "studies", and a lot of families are either still rebuilding from the fallout, or will never get back friends or family members they lost to the opiate epidemic.

Dangerous drugs like Oxycodone were being pushed like candy, with studies that "proved" they weren't addictive or habit forming. Doctors were basically being bribed by pharmaceutical companies to prescribe more and more pills. There was a point where it seemed like anyone could take their kid to the doctor, and complain about their inability to focus, and get an ADHD diagnosis and some pills to fix them. A lot of people felt lied to and abused by medical professionals, someone who you were raised to trust as a friendly noble profession that had your best interests in mind. Big Pharma, to be clear, is literally a faceless monster that cannot care about human lives, and only seeks to create more and more profit for owners & investors. And unfortunately, the rest of the medical industry is pretty much reliant on Big Pharma & the Medical industrial complex, as it would be pretty much impossible to open a medical practice without any medicine or equipment. So I can fully understand why an appeal to the authority of the experts can easily get brushed off as "ignorant sheep" who trust "the man", honestly.

But there's a very big material difference between the opiate epidemic, or really most medical issues, and something like COVID & vaccines in general. And that would be that vaccination *relies on as many as people being vaccinated to actually work*. If only the rich and powerful can access a vaccine, the disease will not be eradicated, evolve and mutate, and eventually the vaccine is rendered useless. This means they have a very real material interest in ignoring their profit motive, for once. 

Something to consider would be the Black Plague & the change from feudalism toward capitalism. One of the major factors that destabilized the monarchy's absolute power was the mass deaths of the working population. When there are hordes of hungry people desperate for work, they tend to have very little power to demand better conditions when they do find work, as they are easily replaceable. With a drastically lowered work force, the power balance between peasant & Lord was exposed, the peasantry was able to revolt, and over throw the Kings, and a new power relationship was established of worker & owner, which was progressive at the time, but we're now at the point where the divide between the working class and the owner class is even greater than the old divide of serf and lord. 

Those who own capital, be it rental properties, a factory, or investments, have complete power over those who only have their body and their time to sell to those who own the stores & factories, to rent the homes they can't afford anymore from landlords who hoard housing as a commodity to profit off of. We're told if we work hard enough, we could possibly own something, too. And we're just bitter and ungrateful when we complain. And we're replaceable. But how would that change if the masses of workers were dying in the streets of a plague again?

 While wealth definitely creates a lot of privilege, and their experience of living through a pandemic is immeasurably different from ours, at the end of the day they haven't yet lost sight of the reality that without masses of poors to exert their power over, their money becomes entirely useless. Which is why they’re willing to part with vaccines without completely maximizing their profits, though as vaccine patents & the West hoarding vaccines while the Global South continues to suffer show they still haven’t totally let go of their profit motive, and are definitely willing to let masses of brown people die to protect the profits of shareholders and investors at home.

I guess I can quickly address the conspiracy that vaccines are some how microchips to track you or whatever:

Smart phones.

They can already do that.

Now, with all that said, I fully do believe that masks & vaccines are effective, and that we all should use them! But I'm still incredibly critical of the way the government has handled this crisis. For one, it's absurd to try and use tickets and fines to enforce mask mandates when the State has failed to distribute masks! Expecting it to be everyone's personal responsibility to buy their own masks during an economic crisis is incredibly ignorant of the reality of just how desperate living from paycheck to paycheck can be. Free masks should have been provided, shipped directly to the people. Considering how many cases have been coming from factories & other brutal working conditions , the emphasis on personal responsibility clearly ignores how corporations are willing to sacrifice their employees health and well being to maximize their profits. Even in a country with free medical care, you have a financial incentive to try and just "tough it out" and hope its a cold if you live paycheck to paycheck and have no paid sick leave. 

I think the left is fumbling a real opportunity to  demand better and seize meaningful power that would make us a real force of change instead of a fringe ideology people mostly only hear about on the internet. There's a lot of legitimate fear and anxiety over covid, the economy, and  even the idea of trusting experts that will never, ever be addressed as long as people just wag their finger and tell those who are scared that they're just dumb and bad and they should be good and smart like us. Which isn't to say that I don't think there aren't morally bankrupt grifters. 

I'm almost positive anyone leading any of these movements, selling their own brand of "patriot rebel" merch to the hordes of followers they amass is some kind of grifter. And I've been to the counter protests , I've seen the white power hand signs in the crowd. There's definitely fascists who see this as an opportunity to capitalize on the fear and unrest, and see these movements as a perfect breeding ground for new recruits. But I've come to the realization that by letting them keep me responding to them, I'll never actually be able to properly challenge their narrative. I'm frequently expected to defend the neoliberal hypocrisy in the covid response while I'm arguing with them, and when I try to explain my criticisms of neoliberalism they're already gishgalloping to another talking point, and it's impossible to actually present a nuanced argument that presents a more dialectical framework to understand these things. 

I realize now that we need to make our criticism and our demands loudly, and we need to be able to take the spotlight off of far right reactionaries preying on the fears and paranoia that they only see as nothing more than an opportunity for profit. There is no going back to normal when COVID is over. We have to decide now, socialism, or barbarism.

[reesebird]

New Post has been published on https://reesebird.com/2019/02/13/im-debating-burning-bridges-with-blood-family-any-advice/

I’m debating burning bridges with blood family. Any advice?

So, this is a little hard to talk about but I’ll try. I grew up in a fairly “average” household. Mom, dad, 1 sibling, 1-2 dogs, for a total of 4 humans and a pet or two at any one time. Before the ‘08 recession, my mom was a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. Following the recession, my mom went back to work, and my dad went from working 40 hours a week to 90+ hours a week. Not the healthiest, but not exactly abusive or anything like that. I’m starting with this, because I want to establish a baseline – my family wasn’t a “classically abusive family” like some of my friends and peers.

When I was in elementary school, there were 3 things that stood out. First, I was bullied incessantly by everyone (save literally one student I became friends with, but have since fallen out of touch). This began with verbal bullying, then in middle school escalated to being beaten up on four separate occasions, and finally, being punched in the face right in front of the teacher, who refused to do anything. Second, I wasn’t ever challenged academically. After kindergarten (which I completed at the local public school), I stopped being really taught. I attended a private religious school whose standards were so garbage that aside from handwriting, I learned next to nothing in my 8 years in attendance. Most of the teachers were lazy, and they cared only about turning in the homework. You could have every answer wrong on every piece of homework, and every answer wrong on every test, but by virtue of having turned something in, you were considered a “good student”. Meanwhile, anyone who had a “reputation for being smart” would be berated and belittled by the teachers for being ahead of the lesson plan. I was even handed a failing grade on a science project because the teacher hated me. And my grades slowly suffered. Not being challenged like I would’ve been at a public school, I slowly gave up. I went from a straight-A+ student to a student barely making C’s between 3rd & 8th grade. Not because I didn’t get the material (though I definitely didn’t get Spanish, and I thought religion made no logical, scientific sense), but because the homework just bored me to tears. My mom would yell at me every report card I didn’t get an A+, too. My first B, I was grounded for a month. When I started getting C’s, she told me I was worthless. And, when I failed Spanish my last quarter in 8th grade, she threatened to disown me. The third thing that stood out was that in spite of all of this, I tried to keep learning. I read constantly. Between 6th and 8th grade, I kept a spreadsheet of all the books I read, and what genre they were, and in total, read just shy of 1,000 books between my first day of 6th grade and my last day of 8th grade. I tried out Khan Academy, and did independent research. I even learned how to use the library’s database on my own so I could read engineering journals for free. And, all in all, I still loved academia.

In high school though, things began really breaking. I’d wanted to attend this fairly prestigious public school that had an actual engineering program (that included shop time!). But, my mom, not wanting me to risk getting involved with drugs and alcohol and gangs and underage sex and shit like that, very intentionally didn’t wake me on the day for testing to go to that school (we had 1 alarm clock in the house at the time, which was my parents’). So I missed the test. And couldn’t go. So, desperate for a chance to not fuck everything up, I tested at one of the 2 most rigorous private schools in the area. I got in, and was immediately made aware that I’d not learned anywhere near enough in grade school. I didn’t know enough to pass algebra 1 in math, I only passed English because my teacher gave me extended deadlines for everything, and in Chinese, despite doing extremely well at first, the original teacher left (family emergency) and I failed because the new teacher made no sense to me. And I struggled. And failed. And my mom would berate and belittle me for it. Finally, I was told I had failed out my freshman year. I hated myself. Everything I was taught to value – what I was taught was my only value – had just been demonstrated to me to be nonexistent. And therefore, I had no value.

Nowhere to go, I stayed at home that summer. I was brought to a crackpot psychiatrist by my mom, and diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He recommended heavy, regulated, and monitored medication, but my mom wouldn’t hear any of it. She finally caved when told about the weakest medication that had the most marginal chance of helping me, but made me figure it out on my own, and with no supervision. She made me enroll in online classes so that I wouldn’t “waste my life being worthless”. I can’t learn online – it’s too detached, with nothing tactile, and no accountability. And it sucked. My depression got worse, and my medication did nothing, and finally, after a massive argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. My mom got home, and found me right before I would’ve died. She called 911, and I was taken to the hospital. My dad rushed home when he heard what had happened. He brought me my childhood stuffed animal, and fresh clothing, and made sure I was given food the moment I was cleared to. He even slept on the floor of the hospital room so he’d be with me. My mom? She didn’t spend time with me. She went, and told everyone she knew about what had happened, even though I explicitly told her that I wanted privacy on the matter. She continuously violated my trust, and refused to own up to it.

Fast forward to the summer I turned 16. I was slowly recovering from depression (and, as had been discovered by the actual psychiatrists I saw in the hospital, PTSD). I’d just gotten out of a relationship where I’d been gaslighted (though at the time, I didn’t know the word for it), and was questioning my gender identity and sexual orientation. I went to the library every day I could, and spoke with the librarians there all the time. They became more family to me than the family I’d been born with. They provided me resources, and helped me understand what I was going through. And when I finally came out, they were the first ones I came out to. When I was 17, I was walking the dogs with my dad one day, when he asked me when I was going to get my driver’s license (I’d not been in a brick-and-mortar school since my freshman year of high school, and I never really did research into driver’s ed). I told him I wanted to wait. He asked me until when. I then, in probably the dumbest move possible, said “until I can transition and change my gender marker.” His reaction was about what was fair, given that I’d never mentioned gender identity in the past to my parents. However, 6 months later, when in a family therapy session, I told my parents I was trans and wanted to medically transition, my dad responded with “let me look into insurance first, please.” My mom? She nearly made me homeless, and were it not for my dad putting his foot down and demanding she treat me with the dignity of a human being, I think that was what she wanted to do.

Over the course of the next year, I was constantly arguing with my mom, who thought my being trans was me trying to “get back at her” for the argument we’d had when I was 15 that led to my suicide attempt. Finally, exhausted, I gave up. I couldn’t take her anymore. I took the GED, got my high school equivalency certificate, and enrolled in community college. I began taking classes right away, hoping that my natural love for learning would be enough. Unfortunately it wasn’t, and I struggled. I took remedials though, and I eventually learned everything I needed. I recently got everything in line to train as a Honda-certified dealership mechanic. This past year, I dipped into my personal savings and began paying for medical transition through my local Planned Parenthood clinic, and got a psych evaluation done that led to a definitive diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum (a psych eval my mom refused to pay for when I was in the hospital)

I’m now 4 months into transition, and have a stable job & classes to take. I have a small network of close friends, and a couple of people who are basically unofficial surrogate family for me. I’m dating a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely in love with. And, I finally have enough money together to move out and burn bridges. Which brings us back to that question. My mom, I have learned, uses gaslighting tactics, is manipulative, and, had I known at a time that I could report it to DCFS, *clearly* qualifies as emotionally and psychologically abusive. My dad, while not a bad person, has this giant extended family (60+ total) that I hate (minus my grandpa & 1 cousin), but that he refuses to cut ties with. My younger brother isn’t terrible, but he’s a bit of an ass at times – standard sibling stuff. When I spent New Years with my girlfriend, I’d never felt safer, calmer, or more happy. Sure, part of that is that the relationship is still relatively young, but the safety? I don’t feel safe with anyone, even with the librarians I’m still in touch with, who I trust enough that I’d be confident in making them authorized medical decision makers in the event of my incapacitation (if not for state regulations making it impossible for that to happen). Is the potential damage worth it, in the end?

tl;dr – should I start fresh, even if I regret potentially hurting my dad?

[demikbrayus]

Lexington Law Firm

Lexington Law, the trusted leaders in credit repair, is the nation’s largest law firm that focuses on helping consumers challenge inaccurate negative items on their credit reports.

Past clients have seen an average of 10.2 negative items removed in the first four months!

Lexington’s team of lawyers and paralegals know everything there is to know about consumer laws and how to leverage them to help you improve your credit report so you can work toward a better score.

They have been helping consumers escape the despair of unfairly reported credit for over a decade.

They have also helped their clients as a whole see millions of negative items removed from their credit reports. Since 2004, hundreds of thousands of clients have worked with them to get credit reports that accurately describe their credit history.

What can they do for you?

Lexington Law Firm assists their clients by challenging creditors, as well as credit bureaus, to make sure the items reported on their credit reports are accurate.

Companies that grant credit to consumers make mistakes all the time – and Lexington Law reviews your credit report with you and challenges creditors to remove or correct them. They are relentless in this endeavor as they comb through their client’s credit reports.

All it takes is a single stroke of a pen or click of a mouse for credit companies to damage consumer’s credit history for up to seven years. A good advocate law firm places the burden of proof back where it belongs – on the creditors and credit bureaus.

It’s simple – if a creditor cannot provide proof that an item on your report is fair, accurate, and substantiated, the negative item must be removed from your credit report.

If you keep your balances low, avoid making inquiries on your credit, and manage your credit wisely, reducing the number of negative items on your report, your score should begin to improve.

Let Us Introduce You!

Call our designated rep at Lexington Law Firm below.

(800) 220-0084

Or you can visit their site by clicking here

They helped me out BIG TIME

A couple of years ago, I lost my job and was going through a really rough time. Everything in my life just came crumbling down on me at once. It was a very stressful time. I was desperate and broke.

I simply couldn’t pay my bills anymore. It was very embarrassing for me. My small emergency fund was depleted after a couple of months. Eventually, I decided that bankruptcy was my best option for moving forward.

I was finally relieved of all my debt, but the financial problems didn’t stop there. My credit was so horrible that I couldn’t qualify for any loans. Again, very embarrassing for me.

One day I just decided I wasn’t going to live like that anymore. I eventually got a new job, changed my spending habits, and promised myself I would no longer live paycheck to paycheck. I had saved up a much bigger emergency fund in case anything like that ever happened again.

I spent hours and hours, night after night trying to find a solution to my credit problems. I didn’t want to wait 10 years before being able to get a loan. I knew there had to be a way around it. I eventually turned to a friend of mine who told me that he had signed up with a credit repair company.

I was very skeptical, but I did some research and read some Lexington Law reviews. I also trust my friend’s recommendation, so I give them a call at (800) 220-0084 and spoke to a credit professional who was very friendly and understanding of my situation. I started to believe that maybe this was real and I didn’t have much to lose, so I signed up.

After signing up, all you can do is wait. It seemed like forever, but after about 3 weeks, I started receiving letters in the mail from the credit bureaus saying that the negative items on my account have been deleted! I was shocked!

So, I checked my credit score again to see if it made a difference and was once again shocked that all 3 scores had gone up about 20-25 points! Over the next few months, I kept receiving letters and my credit scores kept going up. Talk about the best feeling in the world!

I cannot say enough about how much they helped me out. I would never have been able to get out of my financial situation without their help. I wouldn’t have known where to start because most of the reviews from other credit repair companies I read were awful.

It was great to have a team of professionals stepping up to the plate and going to bat for me. Now, whenever I hear a friend is trying to improve their credit score, I suggest they give Lexington Law a call.

Lexington Law Firm removed charge-offs from my credit report:

MY ONLY REGRET IS NOT SIGNING UP SOONER!

My credit scores have dramatically improved since there are no longer any negative accounts on my credit report. Here is a snapshot of my credit scores since I signed up:

Client testimonials:

“After receiving my last credit report, I noticed that my credit problems are solved and you were able to reestablish my credit. You do not know how thankful I am. I’m so happy I trusted the reviews I read online and that I went with your company. Thanks a lot!” — F.M., Lexington client

“I just wanted to thank you and tell you that your system is going to be able to put me in a home almost two years earlier than I originally expected to. My credit score has jumped over 60 points in the last 6 months to a very respectable level and now when I apply for a mortgage I will be able to name my price.

So file this e-mail in the happy customer section and I will refer anyone with less than perfect credit to your services it has made a world of difference for me!!! Thanks again!!!” — C.R., Lexington client

Let Us Introduce You!

Call our designated rep at Lexington Law Firm below.

(800) 220-0084

Or you can visit their site by clicking here

Frequently asked questions about Lexington Law:

Does Lexington Law work?

“Is Lexington Law a scam?” or “does this really work?” are some of the first questions that we always hear. We understand your skepticism. The answer is yes, they really do work and no, they are not a scam.

For over 14 years they have helped hundreds of thousands of clients. In 2017 alone, they had over 10 million items removed for clients. While some clients will have better results than others, their track record speaks for itself.

How do they repair your credit?

Lexington Law Firm leverages your consumer rights to dispute unfair or inaccurate negative items with the credit bureaus. They work with you to make sure your credit strategy is the most effective and then take the appropriate actions when engaging with the credit reporting agencies and your creditors.

How long do they take to repair my credit?

How fast they work always depends on your unique situation and how well the credit bureaus and your creditors cooperate. Obviously, if you have more negative items, it will take more work and more time to completely repair your credit.

Do they offer a guarantee?

No, there are no guarantees involved with legal services. Just like in a court of law, an attorney could never guarantee a client a specific outcome. The same goes for dealing with the credit bureaus and your creditors. It’s impossible to predict how they will respond.

What kind of negative items can they remove from my credit report?

Whether it be medical bills, ID theft, divorce, bankruptcy, student loans, late payments, repossessions, hard inquiries, paid collections, judgments, charge-offs, etc.; the answer is the same for every item on your credit report.

It’s possible to have any of these items removed from your credit report. That doesn’t mean they will be, as again, there are no promises or guarantees, but they absolutely can be.

Can deleted items reappear on my credit report?

Yes, on rare occasion a negative item that was recently deleted may be verified by the creditor. The Fair Credit Reporting Act requires that the credit bureau informs you before they re-report a previously deleted listing.

They also have a limited time of 5 days to re-report the item once it’s been deleted, after that it is a violation of the FCRA. The FCRA makes it difficult for credit bureaus to re-report listings and that’s why it rarely happens.

Lexington Law vs. Sky Blue Credit – who’s better?

We get asked this question all the time, as these two companies are the most popular. While we have Lexington Law ranked higher, it’s important to know that Sky Blue Credit and Lexington Law are both excellent companies.

We have laid out all of the pros and cons for both companies in our reviews and encourage you to check them both out and decide for yourself which one you think will work best for you.

Where are they located?

They are located in North Salt Lake, Utah. However, they serve the whole country. They are available in most states and have offices in several states; however, there is no need to visit them in person. All services and communications can be taken care of online and over the phone.

How much does it cost?

They offer 3 levels of service: Concord Standard, Concord Premier, and PremierPlus.

Concord Standard is $89.95 per month.

Concord Premier is $109.95 per month. Concord Premier offers credit monitoring, assistance with credit inquiries and other services not offered on the Concord Standard plan.

PremeirPlus is $129.95 per month. PremierPlus includes all of the services of Concord Standard and Concord Premier service levels, plus will also receive your FICO® Score based on TransUnion data each month. You also get real-time identity fraud alerts and other tools to manage your personal finances.

Do they offer a discount for family members, couples, and active military?

Yes, they are now offering 50% off the first work fee when you and your spouse or family members sign up together. The one-time 50% discount will be automatically applied to both you and your spouse’s first payment. Active military members also qualify for a one-time 50% discount off the initial fee.

What is Lexington Law’s phone number?

They can be reached at (800) 220-0084 during business hours. If calling after hours, you can leave a message.

When can I reach customer service?

Business hours are as follows:

Mon-Fri: 6:00 am to 10:00 pm MST Sat: 7:00 am to 9:00 pm MST Sun: 7:00 am to 8:00 pm MST

How do I cancel?

You can cancel at any time. There are no contracts or obligations. For the best results, we highly recommend giving them adequate time to do their work and then cancel when you are satisfied with your results, however, if for any reason you want to cancel, you can do so by calling them.

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