#however the fuck you spell their ship name i have no clue

[dark-star-exe]

thank you pinterest

[redrobemerle]

hey what if i made an ffvii au based around a very niche musical i enjoy. woe dolls of ffvii be upon ye

the narrator : the Planet itself (tells the story, also tries to warn people about the consequences of their actions but cannot be heard by the rest of the cast) the gambler and the monk : JENOVA and a cetra (maybe ifalna, maybe just a random one. its not like theyre mentioned by name anyway) jasper : grimoire valentine (this is mainly bc annabel had to be lucrecia) annabel : lucrecia (she canonically sort of brought vincent back from the dead. sort of. she probably wouldve brought grimoire back if she could have. its also lowkey implied that she may have had a crush on grimoire?)

((now heres where the roles go off the rails in regards to what their original relationships were))

edgar : hojo fay : vincent (THATS RIGHT BAY BEE IF JASPER IS GRIMOIRE VINCENT HAS TO BE FAY. whos the guy vincent leaves hojo for when he realizes Oh This Guys Fucked Up Actually? probably cid or reeve. i dont really ship vincent with anyone so like. as long as its not one of the Kids. anyway also thinks about how grimoires last words in canon are "tell vincent im sorry". thinks about "i took the liberty of bringing your dear old dad back. you can talk to him again! but only if you come back and marry me". thinks) byron : sephiroth (let sephiroth be an anarchist lmao) amelia : angeal ("amelia"s shitty dad is hollander obvs) priscilla : aerith (the obvious choice, but also im always thinking about the similarities between aerith and vincent (vincents similarities with cloud are far more obvious, but listen to me. aerith and vincent have their parallels too). priscilla reminding jasper of fay (aerith reminding grimoire of vincent)) soldier 7285 : theres so many people it could be but im leaning towards zack or cloud? everyone else gets to be voodoopunks

BUT TUMBLR USER REDROBEMERLE NONE OF US IN THE FF7 FANDOM HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT DOLLS OF NEW ALBION IS! YOU ADMITTED IT'S NICHE AS HELL!

fear not, for i have typed up a summary of the musical under the cut! if you read the summary and get upset about the way ive fucked with the relationships from the game for the sake of this au, please refer to this post <3

CONTENT WARNINGS: offstage but explicitly mentioned suicide, also very brief but explicitly mentioned parental abuse, immolation mentions (sort of), execution by a militaristic police state (near the end)

The Dolls of New Albion: a Steampunk Opera is a folk opera by Paul Shapera

the opera is split up into four acts, each following a generation of a single family. each act has a narrator telling you about the world as time passes. while not all of it is directly relevant to the story at hand, it tells you something interesting about the world. however, there is a recurring motif of a gambler and a monk who played a never-ending card game. this is important later. the city of new albion was built around them by the people who came to watch them play. but more importantly, in the Now, annabel(/annabelle/annabella. the script cant decide how its spelled) mcalistair is raising up the dead

okay so basically. annabel had a big ol crush on a guy in school. they had never talked until one day they talked and kissed and they became friends for a little bit. but then annabel was expelled for stealing cadavers for her own research. and she became a shut-in and he got married then died young. and she's figured out how to call his soul down into a doll she has built!

the doll is very lifelike but cant really move and cannot talk but he can play the radio! isnt he great? look at annabels doll everyone! she can go anywhere now bc hes proof that shes brilliant! shes conquered life and death! but not everything you love loves you in return. and when she realizes that he cannot, will not ever love her back or speak to her, he doesnt want to be back, she destroys the doll. and throws all of her notes in an old trunk in the attic.

and so passes the first generation.

the narrator informs us that annabel gets married and has a son named edgar at some point. edgar grows up and falls in love, as people often do, with a woman named fay, and on the night he was planning to propose to her, she tells him that while she loves him and she really tried to make the relationship work, hes got Issues and so she leaves him for another man.

in his anger, when edgar goes through the old trunk in the attic and finds annabels notes on necromancy, he makes a business out of it! he summons back the souls of the dead for anyone who asks and pays, and when his business becomes successful enough he uses the money and influence he has to run the business of fays new partner into the ground.

he goes and finds fay and is like. "look. i have a very successful business. the man that you say you love is ruined and poor and I know you cant live like that. and whats more than that, you know your dead dad who you loved so dearly? yeah i brought him back for you, but the only way you can talk to him is if you come back and get married to me. :)" and fay does but shes also like "what the fuck. i actually loved you once why did you end up like this this is why i left you in the first place" also the person whose soul edgar brought back is jasper, the same man annabel brought back originally.

and so passes the second generation.

edgar and fay have a son named byron. now, byron becomes a voodoopunk. voodoopunk is one part religious movement, one part political party, one part punk subculture. yes i know voodoo is a closed practice i dont know that the person who wrote this does and yeah.

so basically his whole plan is to run jasper for mayor? and theres this girl named amelia whos also running with the voodoopunks. it is unclear how old she is, but she is referred to as "a girl" rather than "a woman", so it is likely she's either a teenager or a young adult.

but jasper has figured something out. jasper has figured out how to string together songs on the radio to finally speak for himself. and byron is like "here listen to our doll give you a speech and prove that the dead can run this country better than any of the vultures that are politicians in any part of the political spectrum!"

and jasper sings.

and he sings about how he did not want to be brought back. death was peaceful and he did not want to be here.

and amelia heard this. and she had no friends. and she lived only with her father who was abusive (presumably both verbally and physically? it is never elaborated upon but we do know its at least verbal.)

and she kills herself with only the words of the song jasper sang as her note.

at which point theres public outcry bc ALL the dolls have been singing this song. in the publics eyes, the dolls killed amelia. and so people start rounding up the dolls -- who there are more of than living people in new albion by now -- and burning them alive (for a given definition of alive? its really more of releasing their souls again but really violently) byron manages to "save" jasper though.

and so ends the third generation.

we revisit the card game. the gambler died of a heart attack during the final hand, and cursed with his dying breath that the game was not yet finished, promising the two would come back to finish it one day.

and so begins the fourth generation.

New Albion has become a military police state, killing anyone with any sort of memorabilia of the dead. we see priscilla, byrons daughter, hiding in a basement and playing a never-ending game of cards with jasper. (YEP THATS RIGHT ITS KINDA IMPLIED THAT JASPER AND PRISCILLA ARE THE REINCARNATIONS OF THE MONK AND THE GAMBLER, and even if theyre not, theyre still the ones continuing the game they started).

we also see soldier 7285 join the police.

priscilla loves her great grandfather jasper dearly -- and he loves her back. she reminds him of fay, when fay was younger and more innocent, and jasper lets slip during their card game that he still wants to die but he is willing to stay because he wants priscilla to live even more. because if theyre found, they both die.

priscilla is like what the fuck thats not? fair??? why should you have to sacrifice your death for my life??? and she thinks about it. and decides that a life of hiding isnt much of a life at all.

and she calls the cops on herself.

a firing squad happens, despite jasper doing all he can to prevent it because her life for his death isnt fair to her, either.

but soldier 7285 doesnt fire.

he is court martialled and stripped of his duties/rank for it. soldier 7285 thinks about how priscilla loved jasper so much she was willing to die if it meant his freedom, and goes. hey what the fuck sort of country do i serve that thinks caring about the people we loved past their deaths is punishable by death??? im going to tear this country down and rebuild it on the graves of the people who decided this, and if i die in the process, at least i can be a martyr and inspire people to finish what i started the way she inspired me.

and thats the dolls of new albion!

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

stephanie perkins: ‘anna and the french kiss’

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Then again, if you’ve read any YA book, ever, it’s fairly obvious what’s going to happen.

I was going to go easy on this book; I really was. It’s really unfair how media aimed at a female demographic is seen as frivolous and vapid, and more often than not bashed and bullied when it comes to reviews. “People actually enjoy this crap?” ask the powers that be. “It’s worthless! Pulp! Dreamy-eyed nonsense only complete nimrods could ever like!”

And I take offense to that. There’s nothing wrong with liking romance or happy endings or stories about cute European boys. I was ecstatic when I stumbled across Anna and the French Kiss upon a chance trip to the bookstore. The cover was… meh (Century Gothic? Really? There were no other fonts?). But I’d heard nothing but praise about the book, and I was prepared to stay up all night and into the wee hours of the morning to finish it.

Admittedly, I was far from impressed upon the first reading. The characters were unlikable, the plot would’ve worked better for less shitty characters, honestly fuck these characters am I supposed to like them, fuck Anna, fuck Étienne, fuck Bridgette, fuck Toph, fuck Dave and Meredith and Amanda and Seany and every other stupid character in this stupid book.

The second time around, I expected to not hate it as much as I did when I first read it. It’s happened- I hated Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda when I first read it, and when I read it again, all that red-hot anger simmered down into an overall dislike. I thought To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before was trash at first, and then I read it again, and it got promoted to recyclable waste matter.

I found Anna and the French Kiss horrendous the first time I read it, and then I read it again, and… yeah, it’s still pretty awful.

Le Sommaire:

Anna Oliphant is a seventeen-year-old wannabe film critic who is #NotLikeOtherGirls – so she’s exactly like every other female YA lead. To her credit, she never explicitly says she’s special… everyone around her does.

She has a pretty meh life in Atlanta, Georgia with her mum and little bruv Sean- and then her dad decides to ship her off to France for her final year of high school. I’m not judging Anna for bawling her eyes out on her first day; I’m a huge mummy’s girl myself and I’d probably (definitely) do the same.

Meredith is Anna’s next-door neighbor, who does that thing which only happens in YA where she’s like “Oh, newbie? Let’s be friends!” (Or maybe it does happen irl and I tend to make a bad first impression which is why no one has ever approached me.)

Meredith’s friends are: Rashmi and Josh (who are a couple), and Étienne St. Clair. Guess which one is the love interest.

Étienne is cultured in that white person way where he’s half American, one quarter French and one quarter British. A true international.

But- *gasp*- American-British-French boy has a girlfriend, Ellie.

Anna has an absolutely gorgeous punk rocker (yum) boy with sideburns (yikes) back home named Christopher. Also, Christopher’s nickname is ‘Toph’ instead of ‘Chris’ because he too is #NotLikeOtherGirls. Anna tells us that nothing will happen between her and Étienne.

Anna is wrong.

Meredith has a crush on Étienne. So does the Regina George of the school, Amanda.

Étienne and Anna have some moments ™.

♫ Everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but Anna ♫

I tear my hair out in frustration.

Several other white boys vie for Anna’s heart. Anna remains blissfully unaware (♫ that’s what makes you beautiful ♫). Étienne (who is still dating Ellie, mind you) is unreasonably agitated by this.

Étienne’s mum has cancer btw, which excuses all the shitty things he does, because he’s just a poor, misunderstood boy.

Ellie dresses up as a, quote unquote, ‘slutty nurse’ for Hallowe’en, though- so it’s perfectly okay to dislike her (even though, in the first interaction she had with Anna, where Ellie meets Anna and Étienne, after Étienne takes Anna to the movies, Ellie is perfectly sweet).

Anna, however, is NOT a slut. Amanda is, though. And Rashmi’s cold. And Meredith’s desperate. And Emily’s a slut, too. And her friend Bridgette from Atlanta is a traitor. Anna has an intense case of internalized misogyny.

Anna’s friend Bridgette from Atlanta is screwing Toph, and Anna throws a fit.

Étienne and Anna have some more moments ™.

A truly chaotic series of events befall Anna. She somehow winds up dating Dave (one from the harem of white boys who likes her) to spite Étienne, she gets into a fight with Amanda, more drama ensues, there’s a hint for a spinoff, Étienne and her kiss, Meredith sees and feels betrayed… several misunderstandings and more bullshit later, Étienne and Anna wind up together, because true love conquers all.

Mes Réflexions:

(If the French is off, blame Google Translate.)

Usually, it takes me half a page of my notebook to scribble down my thoughts about the book I’m reading. This motherfucker took me almost an entire page.

Granted, a solid 30% of those notes are me throwing insults at Étienne, but still. ‘STOP STOP STOP YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU DICK’ counts, right?

(That was #17 in my notes, by the way.)

For the record, I like Stephanie Perkins’s writing. It’s not as over-the-top and unnecessarily introspective as Jenny Han’s in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and the interactions between Anna and her classmates were natural and not the “How do you do, fellow kids?” style of Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda. The pacing is decent- I didn’t feel like it was too rushed; not the insta-love trope most YA romances unfortunately fall prey to.

And yet. AND YET.

Anna: “What’s your problem?” Amanda: “You.”

Same, Amanda, same.

Anna Oliphant is one of my least favorite leads in a book, ever. Étienne’s even shittier. And it’s not like Nick or Amy Dunne from Gone Girl, or any of the main characters from The Secret History, where readers pretty much unanimously hate them. You’re meant to relate to Anna, you’re meant to find Étienne charming and dreamy. I literally had to put the book away and calm myself down several times- especially in the last quarter of the book.

One of my main gripes with Anna is how… dumb she is. I guess Anna’s “Oopsies, silly me, I don’t know French!” is meant to be relatable to the readers. And some parts (like her not knowing how to order food because she can’t speak French) are plausible, but- sis, you didn’t know how to spell oui? And my idea of a cinematic masterpiece is Kung-Fu Panda, but even a dumbass like me knows that France is the film appreciation capital of the world. And yet Anna, a self-professed film freak, doesn’t?

Of course, Anna’s gorgeous, but she has no clue, because of course she doesn’t- even though she has multiple guys falling head over heels for her.

I’m in a short skirt. It’s the first time I’ve worn one here, but my birthday seems like the appropriate occasion. “Woo, Anna!” Rashmi fake-adjusts her glasses. “Why do you hide those things?”

Étienne is staring at my legs. The scales covering them throb under his intense gaze, and the pincers sticking out of my thighs start clicking rapidly in arousal. My hooves shiver in ecstasy.

… sorry, that’s not funny.

Her friends think Anna’s weird for wanting to write film reviews (which is the most contrived thing I’ve ever heard) instead of being the next Margot Robbie or whatever, but of course Étienne doesn’t and he thinks it’s not weird and cool and that Anna is such a special snowflake.

(Man, I sound like Amanda.)

And then we have this spiel by Anna about how she got into film critiquing (?), because we the readers need to know how special and #NotLikeOtherGirls Anna is.

To this, I say, “Piss off, you pretentious fuck.”

Of course, Anna’s a virgin and she’s never gotten drunk before or worn short skirts- she’s not a slut, she shaves below the knees only.

And would YA really be YA without several hearty helpings of internalized misogyny?

First up, we have the bimbo; the Barbie doll archetype whose only goal in life is acquiring the main guy (who is quite obviously uninterested in her), and making life hell for our protagonist. Amanda Whatsername (is she ever given a surname?) has this coveted role in Anna and the French Kiss. She’s blond (because of course she is); the first time we meet her, she’s in a, quote unquote, ‘teeny tank top’, and she also ‘positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure’. She’s always flipping her hair, getting her grubby paws on Étienne, giving Anna the stink-eye, being homophobic and a grade-A bitch.

Meredith goes batshit when Anna and Étienne kiss, and is very pouty and unhappy during prior Anna x Shittiene moments. Honey… he’s just not that into you. Rashmi’s the Ice Queen reincarnate and halfway to bitchdom. Anna doesn’t go as hard on them as she does on literally every other female her age in the book, though.

Rashmi looks at me for the first time, calculating whether or not I might fall in love with her own boyfriend.

Anna, hate to break it to you, but not everyone’s a possessive fucking weirdo.

About Cherrie, her ex-boyfriend Matt’s new girlfriend:

And maybe Cherrie isn’t as bad as I remember. Except she is. She totally is. After only five minutes in her company, I cannot fathom how Bridge stands sitting with her at lunch every day.

Her lifeless laugh is one of her lesser attributes. What does Matt see in her?

Even Bridgette, Anna’s best friend from Atlanta, isn’t immune to Anna’s anti-female propaganda. She’s screwing the guy Anna used to like, and Anna, the hypocrite, throws a huge fit.

For context: Bridgette and Toph are in a band called the Penny Dreadfuls (why is it with YA books and horrible band names? ‘Emoji’ from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda was bad enough), and Anna + Matt + Cherrie go to a bowling alley to see them perform. After the performance, Toph announces that he’s sleeping with Bridge, and Anna confronts Bridge… onstage.

“… You’re welcome to move in when I leave again, because that’s what you want, right? My life?”

She shakes with fury. “Go to hell.”

“Take my life. You can have it. Just watch out for the part where my BEST FRIEND SCREWS ME OVER!” I knock over a cymbal stand, and the brass hits the stage with an earsplitting crash that reverberates through the bowling alley. Matt calls my name. Has he been calling it this entire time? He grabs my arm and leads me around the electrical cords and plugs and onto the floor and away, away, away.

Everyone in the bowling alley is staring at me.

I duck my head so my hair covers my face. I’m crying. This would have never happened if I hadn’t given Toph her number. All of those late-night practices and… he said they’ve had sex! What if they’ve had it at my house? Does he come over when she’s watching Seany? Do they go in the bedroom?

I’m going to be sick.

Give me a goddamn break.

Anna, about Ellie:

To my amazement, Ellie breaks into an ear-to-ear smile. Oddly enough, it’s this moment I realize that despite her husky voice and Parisian attire, she’s sort of… plain. But friendly-looking.

That still doesn’t mean I like her.

“Anna! From Atlanta, right? Where’d you guys go?”

She knows who I am? St. Clair describes our evening while I contemplate this strange development. Did he tell her about me? Or was it Meredith? I hope it was him, but even if it was, it’s not like he said anything she found threatening. She doesn’t seem alarmed that I’ve spent the last three hours in the company of her very attractive boyfriend. Alone.

[about Ellie’s Hallowe’en costume] Slutty nurse. I don’t believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.

If I didn’t like Ellie before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel now. It doesn’t matter that I can count how many times we’ve met on one hand.

I fantasize about their break-up. How he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways I could hurt her back. I want to grab her Parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. I want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.

It turns out I am not a nice person.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.

Emily Middlestone bends over to pick up a dropped eraser, and Mike Reynard leers at her breasts. Gross. Too bad for him she’s interested in his best friend, Dave. The eraser drop was deliberate, but Dave is oblivious.

One of the juniors, a girl with dark hair and tight jeans, stretches in a move designed to show off her belly button ring to Paul/Pete. Oh, please.

And I’m meant to like this character? I’m supposed to root for her?

I’m not saying every girl in the book should be perfectly sweet and friendly- that’s just not realistic. But when Anna has something judgmental to say about every other young female character… maybe she’s the problem.

In fact, the only girl I recall getting a pass is Isla Whatsername. And why do you think?

Brilliant.

And now we have the amalgamation of almost every fanfic boyfriend trope from 2014, Étienne St. Clair. Brown-eyed Harry Styles. I can’t fucking wait.

Étienne could’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or abolished poverty, or volunteered at animal shelters in his spare time. He could’ve been the most virtuous guy around (fret not; he decidedly isn’t). And I still wouldn’t’ve thought of him as the man of my dreams because HE HAS A BLOODY GIRLFRIEND.

I mean, which girl doesn’t want her boyfriend to say:

“I cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn’t have, again and again.”

Fuckin’ smooth, bro.

“No matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn’t actually cheat on her. But I thought you’d know.”

Such a gentleman!

“So you can keep dating Ellie, but I can’t even talk to Dave?”

Étienne looks shamed. He stares at his boots. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t even know what to do with his apology.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. And this time, he’s looking at me. Begging me. “And I know it’s not fair to ask you, but I need more time. To sort things out.”

And this gem:

“If you liked me so much, why didn’t you break up with her?”

“I’ve been confused. I’ve been so stupid.”

*me, banging pots and pans together* F U C K Y O U

“Ellie’s not like you, Anna; she’s a slut and a whore even though I’m the one who’s been thinking about another girl inappropriately and I’m the one who gets my knickers in a twist when another man glances in your direction because my masculinity is extremely fragile and I’m a total hypocrite and a dickhead.”

I mean, he didn’t actually say that, but that’s the gist.

WHILE DATING ELLIE: he gets Anna a book of sexual love poems, he calls her attractive (“Any bloke with a working prick would be insane not to like you.”) multiple times, he gets jealous whenever another guy so much as breathes in Anna’s direction and constantly interrupts such interactions, he’s been ditching his friends for his girlfriend but suddenly decides he prefers a new girl over said girlfriend, he thinks bread pudding tastes good- in conclusion, he is a Massive Fucking Prick. Though in hindsight, him and Anna deserve each other. They’re awful.

I had loads more notes taken down (Anna using Dave; “The important thing is this: Dave is available. St. Clair is not.”); the implication that cheating is okay because Ellie is bad or whatever, even though the sudden change in her character seems contrived because she was perfectly okay with Étienne and Anna hanging out before; how my blood boils whenever I read an American book and American girls are like “oOoOh AcCenT!!!1!!1!!”; me reading “DAVE SAYS YER A SLUTBAG” in Hagrid’s voice; the sheer atrocity of the name ‘Étienne St. Clair’ (sounds like a caricature of a French person)… but this ‘review’ is already pushing 3k and I can’t be fucked to expand on any of those points.

Verdict (which is apparently the same in French):

Who needs Christopher when Étienne St. Clair is in the world?

Speak for yourself.

[mst3kproject]

The River of the Giant Alligator

A bunch of Italians pretending they’re not Italian in a movie about a guy who chose the wrong place to build a hotel… it’s like Avalanche by way of Devil Fish, with an alligator.  And racism.  You can’t have a 70’s Italian jungle movie without the racism, and this one layers it on real thick.  I think The River of the Giant Alligator has its MST3K bases covered.

Rich Asshole Joshua has opened Paradise House, a resort in the middle of the ‘virgin jungle’.  He proudly tells visitors that not only has he left the surrounding ecosystem undamaged, but he’s helping the local people by giving them jobs and improving their standard of living.  Naturally it’s not as simple as that.  Trouble begins when Sheena, the model they brought for their advertising photographs (just for a dash of Killer Fish), vanishes overnight.  Photographer Daniel and hotel manager Ally go to the locals looking for her, and are told that the River God has awakened and intends to drive the white people away by assuming the form of a giant crocodile and eating them all.  Considering how mind-bogglingly stupid the tourists in this movie are, that should take all of twenty minutes.

The locals, who call themselves the Kuma, have a name for their River God but it’s pronounced five different ways and I won’t guess how to spell it.  Because of the deep breathing sounds that presage its first appearance, I shall call the creature Darth Gator.

Let’s get the basics out of the way first.  The whole movie is dubbed and the voice actors are bad. The Darth Gator prop is completely immobile but they mostly keep it in the dark or in really tight shots so we don’t notice… it’s only the occasional ill-advised wide shot where it’s obviously fake enough to be funny.  There’s a spiky fence that exists mostly so that people can get impaled on it and a cloying little kid for no reason whatsoever.  The ‘wildlife’ is a stock footage smorgasbord that includes orangutans and hippos on the same river.  The worst effect in the film is a terrible miniature shot of the hotel on fire, which would have looked just fine if the people involved hadn’t forgotten that flames don’t scale.

So all that sucks, but is fairly harmless.  Now let’s talk about the racism.

We’ll start with the movie’s treatment of its two ‘love stories’, and I use the floating commas because neither of them quite qualifies. Daniel and Ally are the main ‘couple’ of the movie.  The camera lingers on each of them to show that he thinks she’s beautiful and she thinks he’s rugged, and they spend the whole movie hanging out on balconies and boats together and discussing whether the resort is good or bad for the local people… but they never get so much as a kiss.  This is kind of nice, actually, because there’s very little time to stop and make out when you’re being chased by a large carnivorous reptile.  It does, however, make for a hell of a contrast between them and the other ‘couple’ we see.

This is the model, Sheena, and her Kuma boyfriend. I am unclear on where this movie is set (the closest we get to a clue is Ally referring to the area as ‘the Orient’, which could honestly mean anything) but it’s perfectly clear that the reason they hired a black woman for their publicity photos is to make the place look ‘exotic’.  There’s a weird moment when Joshua attempts to flirt with Sheena by telling her, “it occurs to me that Eve herself may have been black”, which… yes, that is how human evolution worked, what about it?  All that aside, at the end of the day, Sheena runs off for a romantic evening with one of the tribesmen.  We never see her talk to this guy or have any clue what made her pick him over any of the others.  They just go fuck on a beach and then get eaten by an alligator.

So… we have blonde, blue-eyed white people having a perfectly chaste, wait-for-marriage love affair in which they actually get to know each other… and black people who run off with a stranger and screw out in the open like animals.  Holy shit.  I want to say I hope this wasn’t something the film-makers actively thought about, but it might be worse if they didn’t.  Naturally, this is also a version of the ‘people who have premarital sex must die’ trope from slasher movies, and the movie makes doubly sure we know this is Bad Behaviour by having Ally remark that the Kuma are forbidden from visiting ‘the Island of Love’ on the full moon.

The deaths of Sheena and Nameless Kuma Guy also begin a pattern that lasts almost the entire movie.  Even though we’re told, repeatedly, that Darth Gator wants to drive the white people out of his jungle, for the vast majority of the running time it’s the brown people who are getting chomped.  We’re told that twelve white missionaries came here years ago and Darth Gator ate all but one of them, who then became a crazy jungle man (not gonna lie, Father Jonathan was my favourite character and I wish we’d seen more of him).  We see Sheena, her boyfriend, and the boyfriend’s brother get eaten alive.  Furthermore, most of the white deaths in the movie are at the hands of the Kuma, who run in and kill the tourists with spears and fire arrows in the belief that they’re doing their god’s bidding, and much of this happens offscreen. Those hit by the arrows quickly fall into the water and vanish from sight.  The only time the camera lingers on a white person dying is Joshua, who I guess they think deserved it.  The impression one gets is that white death is a horror better implied than shown, while brown death is a spectacle.  Again… holy shit.

The River of the Giant Alligator can’t seem to decide what we’re supposed to think about the Kuma people.  Early in the film they’re portrayed as victims.  These foreigners have invaded their land and built this giant hotel, and claimed to be helping them by giving them ‘work’. Ally notes that they’ll be able to live longer, healthier lives, but Daniel wonders if it’s worth it when they’ve basically become Joshua’s slaves.  The movie leaves this question hanging there without exploring it any further. When Daniel and Ally come looking for information about the alligator attacks, the Kuma direct them to Father Jonathan, knowing they’re more likely to believe a white man, even one who’s obviously not quite all there.  The movie really wants to be about the exploitation of indigenous peoples, treated as decorations and curiosities by white tourists.

The problem is, it wants to eat that cake, too.  By the end of the story, the Kuma have devolved into stock savages.  They attack the hotel and kill everybody, and kidnap Ally so they can tie her to a horizontal King Kong contraption as a sacrifice. The ending just makes it all the more confusing, as they turn up to discover that their god has been blown to bloody chunks after biting into a van full of explosives, and they cheer and they just leave.  Is it really that easy to kill a god?  Won’t a dead god demand vengeance anyway?  Does this mean they actually like the white people after all, and were only angry because Darth Gator was eating them?

The ending also muddles the movie’s other point, about the nature of eco-tourism.  One of the selling points of Paradise House is that it’s in the middle of virgin jungle.  Joshua brags about how he’s left the surrounding ecosystem untouched – but then we cut straight to trees being cleared using dynamite, and later we see live piglets being thrown into the river to keep the crocodiles hanging around so people can gawk at them.  You can’t build a hotel in the middle of a place and then call it ‘virgin jungle’.  You’re the one who violated it!

The script is a little unclear on whether Darth Gator is a natural or supernatural threat.  Ally and Daniel insist that it’s no mere alligator (I don’t think this movie knows the difference between crocodiles and alligators any better than I do) and Father Jonathan seems to believe it’s the Devil Himself, but it certainly dies like a flesh-and-blood creature.  Whatever its nature, it’s clear enough that Darth Gator represents the jungle striking back at these intruders to drive them out.  The Kuma literally say as much.  So what are we to take from the fact that it dies at the end?  Have we won the right to destroy the forest by killing its guardian?  I don’t believe the people who make these movies think this stuff through.

I can tell that we’re supposed to hate the tourists, and we do, although not always for the reasons the movie wants us to. Minnow, the red-haired little girl who ‘only likes to play with boys’, tries so hard to be Adorable that you want to punt her across the room.  Her mother leaves her to wander around the hotel alone, because Mummy’s got a smarmy mustached boyfriend to bang (even this relationship gets more attention than Sheena and Unnamed Kuma Guy, by the way… we are told that Mummy and Mustache have met before, and are here mostly to see each other rather than the jungle).  Other notable annoyances include a lady who seems perfectly sane until she starts talking about the aliens, and a guy who loves to complain about Youth These Days and will seize any opportunity to do so.

I kinda wanna gripe about these obnoxious characters, but I don’t feel like I can.  You may recall that I spent a month stuck on a cruise ship earlier this year.  I can tell you definitively that these people do exist, and I hate them even more in real life.

Man, this could have been a fun monster movie.  I’ve seen movies about man-eating crocodiles (or alligators… does it honestly matter that much?) that I really enjoyed.  Primeval wasn’t even that bad – it was about how humans are more monstrous than anything nature can produce.  Lake Placid had that immortal bit where Betty White says if I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.  The River of the Great Alligator is just boring bullshit and things that seem kinda racist on the surface but then you think about them a little longer and realize they’re incredibly racist.  I went into this one hoping to like it, but it absolutely pissed on the last shreds of my optimism... like a lot of other things in 2020.

[rileywrites]

If you’re still doing prompts, this is from your prompt list in the random section — nos. 4 or 14, or from the fluff section, no. 12, in yet another of my reluctantly shipped ships, the Book of Nile. *sigh* (I have fulfilled the requirement of the manifesto) 😆

I wanted to give you options just in case someone already asked for any one of these!

Or, if you want, you could go for my original prompt, which would be: Nile has now learned Italian, Ancient Greek, Modern Greek, perfected her Arabic, etc. When Booker returns to the fold, Nile asks him to teach her French, (which Andy, Joe, and Nicky always said would be his job when he came back) but he basically gives her the “Ask your mother” “Ask your father” treatment, passing the responsibility like a hot potato between the other members of the Guard. After some time has passed, Nile catches him quietly singing songs in his old dialect of French, and oddly, only when the two of them are alone in a room. Since his old dialect has basically died out, she can’t exactly google translate. But she begins to suspect something’s up when Quynh stops dead in her tracks after she walks in on Booker singing something while making breakfast, as Nile sits at the table, enjoying everything, which leads to Quynh disappearing, and quiet laughter coming from the bedrooms. After a confrontation, he admits he didn’t want to teach her French, at least not for a while, because he wanted to have the ability to tell her how he feels about her through singing ancient French love songs, without her knowing, promising himself he’d teach her his language, when or if the day ever came that he could tell her in words.

I’m so sorry it’s a bit long, but this just popped in my head, and I know you’ll do wonders with this, if you decide to do it. No hard feelings at all if you don’t!

Thank you so much, you’re an amazing writer, you capture the voices of the TOG characters so well — I always smile when I see your name pop up with a new BoN story on AO3!

Thank you for this wonderful prompt, darling! I have absolutely run with it. I will write the snippet prompts eventually, but this one grabbed me by the throat.

Read on Ao3 Here.

...

After fifteen years with the Guard, Nile has a pretty good handle on just about any language you could think of.

Nile can give a eulogy in Spanish, ask for directions in Pashto, negotiate a weapons deal in Russian, woo a honeypot target in Italian, con a businessman in Greek, and navigate trade in Arabic. She can read, write, and speak Ancient Greek (circa Nicky and Joe's era) and is passable in several dead languages from the Steppe and Southern Asia. She's decent at Mandarin, getting pretty fucking good at Vietnamese, and doing her damnedest to learn Hindi. (It's  a struggle.)

The one language she hasn't picked up yet is French.

It isn't for lack of trying. Her grasp at French is enough to not get her killed, but most of her practice has been with Quebecois or the dialects spoken in Morocco. Basically, if she spoke French in France, they would laugh at her, and her comprehension isn't great

"When Booker comes back, he'll teach you," Andy promises. "He has the most modern French between the five of us. It will do you better to learn from him."

"That doesn't do me any good in the interim," Nile points out.

"He'll be back any day now," Andy says. "Trust me, he'll crack soon."

...

Nile gets to their most recent safehouse late after a long night of schmoozing. She hates long cons, hates that some of humanity's evil can only be taken down with espionage and not brute force.

Her feet are killing her. These sky high boots make her ass look amazing, but her leg muscles regret every life choice she's ever made.

The TV is on, even though Joe and Nicky are supposed to be on recon. With Andy and Quyhn in Istanbul following a lead (to keep a grouchy Andy off of desk duty for a weekend), Nile's senses are on high alert.

She enters carefully, gun drawn.

"Don't shoot," Booker says, hands up. He smiles slightly. "I would have messaged, but I don't have your latest code."

"I still have the Nokia you gave me," Nile points out. "Andy could have told you that."

"Maybe I wanted to surprise you."

"You definitely have too much of a death wish for someone who can't die."

Booker doesn't have a comeback for that. Nile holsters her gun.

"Hug me, you sneaky bastard. It's been literal years."

He doesn’t need to be told twice. He crosses the room in two strides and steps into her waiting arms.

When they collide, it knocks the wind out of Nile's lungs. Breathing is irrelevant anyway, when she's in Booker's arms.

"I missed you, asshole," Nile says into his shoulder, probably getting makeup on his dumb denim shirt.

"I missed you too. I'm sorry that I did not visit sooner." Booker rubs one massive hand over her back. "Your feet probably hurt. I should let you get changed."

"One more minute."

Later, when Nile has had time to change into an oversized t-shirt and Nike shorts, her wig back on its mannequin head, Nile sits down with her feet in Booker's lap and grills him for information.

"I got sober about five years ago." Booker rubs her feet without hesitation, well-trained from centuries with Andy. "I haven't had a drop since."

Nile nudges his chest with the foot he isn't massaging.

"I'm proud of you. It can't have been easy."

"It wasn't." Booker bats her foot away. "It was worth it, though. You deserve a better teammate - you all do. Besides, I don't need to spend the rest of my immortality intoxicated. Six thousand years is a long time to be drunk."

"So what have you been doing since?"

"I spent a lot of time Journaling, processing my emotions. I worked in several literacy programs across the world, staying long enough to help but not too long." Booker shrugs. "Safer that way, I guess."

"Did you bring me pictures?"

"Of course. I have no clue how you keep finding film for Polaroid knockoffs though. It's twenty-thirty-five."

"I have my ways." Nile makes grabby hands in his direction. "Pictures. Please tell me there's pictures of you holding cute children you're teaching to read."

"Of course there is." Booker finds the envelope in his bag, careful not to dislodge her.

The tiny gesture is so fucking heartwarming it hurts.

"I have training in literacy coaching in English and French, so I've worked just about everywhere."

The photos are fucking adorable. Nile flips through them with glee, enjoying the tiny humans and huge Booker sharing textbooks and screens. One little girl in particular pops up in several.

"That's Adelaide," Booker says when Nile holds one up. "I stayed in Port Au Prince for almost a solid year, because I couldn't bear being another to abandon them. When she was adopted by a family in the church, I decided it was time for me to come home myself."

"That reminds me. You're back, which means I finally get to learn proper French."

Booker hesitates.

"Come on, Book, I know you have the qualifications." Nile retrieves her feet so she can kneel by his side on the couch. "You promised. Andy promised. No one else will teach me."

"Nicky hates French," Booker points out.

"I know, and everyone else is too stubborn. They all want you to teach me." Nile fidgets with his rolled-up sleeve. "I want you to teach me."

One good bat of her eyelashes later, and Booker finally agrees.

"Fine, fine, I will teach you French."

"Yes!"

"Eventually. For now, you need rest. Andy will insist on a stupidly early call tomorrow."

...

Six months later, and Booker hasn't said three words to Nile in French. He uses it on jobs, with Joe and Andy, when he talks to himself, but not with her.

They end up in Calais for three days, longer than expected, and Nile bugs him to go out with her.

"Come on, you can teach me in the field. I can practice." Nile pokes him in the arm. "You can laugh at my shitty attempts to use your language, and then you can correct me. Fun and educational!"

"I have too much to do, Nile. I have to make sure this program runs properly, or else we can't get on that plane." Booker waves her off. "Go read something. We have more books than sense here."

"That's not hard, when you're dumb." It's petty, infantile, but it gets Booker to smile and that's enough. "Fine. Don't think it's the end of this, though. You promised to teach me."

"I know, ma cherie, and I will. But for now, entertain yourself."

Nile grumbles. "I am forty-one years old. Don't act like I'm a child."

"I know you aren't a child. However, you are being a brat, so shoo."

"Asshole."

Nile pokes through the books in Booker's latest pile and fishes out something newer and trashy. Brainless. It'll do.

(And if she gets him to throw couch pillows at her by doing dramatic readings of the worst bits, all the better.)

...

Booker has been back in the fold for almost a year.

"Booker, you promised."

A year, and Nile is still just as shit with French - except for the curse words. She knows a whole stable of curse words now.

"Ask Andy."

Nile huffs. "I've been asking Andy for almost sixteen years, Booker. She says you'd be the best one to teach me."

"I don't know about that," Booker says, frowning.

"You're the French one."

"They've spoken French since it was invented."

Nile sighs. "Forget it. I'm going for a run."

She slides her ancient Nokia into her armband and pulls on her sneakers. A run will clear her head.

He doesn't say anything when she leaves. Nile tries not to take it personally.

They're in Istanbul, following up on the lead Andy and Quyhn have been chasing down. They're going to the Hippodrome in the morning, but for now, Nile has the evening to herself.

Why does this whole French thing piss her off so much?

(Nile isn't an idiot. She knows why.)

Maybe she'd be less irritated if he hadn't started singing recently.

It's nothing too obvious, just little snippets of old-sounding songs in a version of French that is either impossible for her to spell, too old for Google Translate, or both.

Nile turns a corner, mentally marking her distance as her feet hit the pavement.

Maybe she wouldn't care as much if Booker sang when the others were around, but he doesn't. It's just when it's the two of them.

Booker is asleep in the armchair by the time Nile gets back. She pokes and prods at him until he's awake enough to shuffle back to the bedroom.

"We've got a long day tomorrow." Nile shakes him gently. "Don't fall asleep in your boots."

"M'good," Booker says, then mumbles something incomprehensible in French.

"Goodnight, Booker."

"Bonne nuit, ma cherie," Booker says.

Nile can figure that much out.

...

The next morning, Nile wakes to singing and the smell of breakfast. She pulls on a hoodie and shuffles out of her room, scarf still on because fuck it.

"G'morning," she says, muffled by a yawn. "Coffee?"

Booker pours her a cup as she sits at the table. Before she's done with the coffee, an omelet appears before her.

"You are the fucking best." Nile digs in, content to enjoy the moment.

Good food, good company, and surprisingly good singing.

Nile is halfway through her omelet, Booker still be-bopping around the kitchen singing, when Quyhn and Andy get in from their morning run.

Both freeze in the doorway before Booker can notice, but Nile watches their minds race.

"Good morning," Nile says.

Quyhn whispers something in Andy's ear, and they walk quickly back to their bedroom.

Booker seems to realize they're there about the moment quiet giggling comes down the halls.

Nile didn't realize Andy could do anything other than chuckle gruffly these days.

Booker blushes bright red and his eyes go wide.

"Booker, your breakfast," Nile points out before it can burn.

"Fuck." Booker rescues his omelet. "I should go talk to them."

Nile stands, hemming him into the kitchen.

"Why are they giggling, Book?"

Booker refuses to make eye contact, but Nile doesn't back down.

She's been a mercenary for a decade and a half. She's faced down gangsters and serial killers and oligarchs. She can handle pinning Booker down with a glare.

"They, ah..." Booker rubs the back of his neck. "They speak French?"

"I know they speak French. Why were they giggling?"

Booker finally makes eye contact.

"They're love songs, Nile. I've been... I've been singing sappy shit from my youth, because I knew you wouldn't understand."

"That's why you wouldn't teach me."

It isn't a question, but Booker nods anyway.

"I was scared," he finally admits. "Scared for you to know."

Nile wants to say something meaningful. Wants to sweep him off his feet, wants to kiss him stupid, wants everything in the world.

Instead, she steps back.

"We have a job to do. Tonight, if you want to, if you're ready, I want you to translate your songs for me. Then we can talk, yeah?"

"I-" Booker nods. "Yeah. Yeah, that works for me."

She turns on her heel to go get ready for the day, leaving Booker in the kitchen staring after her, baffled.

...

Later, blood and mud spattered and healing from a sizeable fall from a horse, Nile limps into her bedroom. She manages to get most of her layers off and into a basket to see if they can be salvaged, but her ribs are still healing so bending too much is out of the question.

Getting her bra off is an Olympic event.

Booker doesn't knock until after she's showered.

"Come in."

"I brought you... well, the translations." Booker holds out a new-feeling leather journal. "I wrote down all the ones I could think of. You can read them, and I'll just-"

"Sit," Nile says before he can escape. "Please, stay."

Nile reads, connecting words to tunes he's been singing for weeks.

They're sappy, fond, romantic, saucy. Nile enjoys peeking up at Booker to see him blush almost as much as the love confession she's holding in her hands.

When she reaches the end of the lyrics, Nile crosses the tiny bedroom and looks Booker in the eyes.

"Booker?"

"Yes?"

"Are you ready to teach me French?"

Booker nods, blushing. "If you would like, ma cherie."

Nile finally kisses him. "I would like that very much."

[fangzeronos]

Young Justice Outsiders finale

Ok, guys. Here’s the finale wrap up for Young Justice Outsiders! Massive spoilers under the cut, so read at your own risk.

 Episode 24: Into the Breach

 Ok, so this picks up just before M’gann’s teams infiltrate the Orphanage from Ep 23 Terminus. The Outsiders, minus Static (who’s been with Black Lightning), and Geo-Force, who was with M’gann’s team, infiltrate Building 16, a props department with no surveillance. Vic’s powers come in hand to get rid of the illusion and find the Apokoliptan tech, leading Granny to show up after putting the Outsiders in the X-Pit’s Ghost Dimension.

 Gar and Granny fight, and since when can Gar turn into a Ma’ale’fak? We haven’t seen one of those since M’comm tried to fight M’gann back early on in the season. I know he can turn into things from other planets, like that weird bird thing from Rann, but this was new. I really enjoyed the fight, even yelling “GAR GET YOUR ASS UP!” several times.

 Vic, while all this was going on and they were being tortured, worked his technomagic on Overlord and kicked it’s ass, breaking Granny’s hold on the Ghost Dimension and causing them to win the fight. After he and Beetle destroyed the tech he’d found earlier, he boom tubed to the Orphanage and found Violet and Granny, whose two selves (Granny Goodness and her “avatar” Gretchen Goode) fused back together. He blasted the control goggles off of Halo’s head, and y’all this is where it got good!

 MY GIRL WENT SUPER SAIYAN! All of her auras, lookin’ like motherfucking Rainbow Brite before laying a hurt on Granny’s candy ass. She cleansed the Anti-Life Equation, freeing her friends before she, Vic, Superman, and Captain Atom blew up the device on the Orphanage. The reunion with Brion was sweet and I’m glad they’re together again, even though I know something bad is about to happen later on.

 Connor and M’gann, however, aren’t so kosher. He’s still dealing with her hiding the Anti-Light from him, and who knows how they’re going to end up. I know a lot of people hate SuperMartian as a ship, but we already lost Spitfire and BluePulse isn’t going to happen, so can we please leave at least one ship intact?

 Vic officially joined the Outsiders too! Cyborg is now officially born!

 Episode 25: Overwhelmed

 Ho, boy. Let’s start with the easy and get to the emotional stuff, because that’s where the meat of the episode is.

 Connor and Forager go to Geranium City, a city created and inhabited by Genomorphs, the same ones that were under Cadmus’ control back in the early days. Forager’s trying to find his place on Earth since Mantis was arrested at the end of the last episode for helping Granny Goodness, and he’s torn between returning to his home world or staying on Earth. He and Connor have work to do regarding both of them coming to the light, so to speak.

 Metron returned long enough to basically kidnap Vic and Violet, and unfortunately little Lian since she was in Violet’s arms at the time. Turns out, since they’re both “children” of MotherBox and FatherBox technology, they’re technically Metron’s grandchildren, which is something I never thought I’d hear. He warns them that they may be the key to stopping Darkseid’s plans if they don’t die in the process.

 Gregor Markov is back. He’s with Brion and Tara in Beverly Hills, meeting his siblings in secret. The first time all of them have been together in years. Tara, however, has other plans and tells Deathstroke Gregor’s out of the country, allowing them to put their plan into action in Markovia, allowing their uncle, Baron Bedlam, to stage a coup and take over the country. It’s going to be interesting to see how they pull this off.

 And now the emotional stuff. Artemis. After coming home and seeing Will had made dinner and set up candles and shit, the two talk before kissing. She breaks the kiss and apologizes, running off to her room and grabbing the picture of her and Wally and apologizing to it. She called Zatanna and meets with her, M’gann, and Rocket under the willow tree they met Dr. Fate under early on in the season. Zatanna casts some magic (or so we think) and Artemis goes into Limbo, seeing Wally.

 She’s only got until sunrise, so she imagines their house, they’re engaged, she’s pregnant, and then ends up with a nameless baby. She knows it’s fake, because the tv in the mindscape has Zatanna saying she’s going to cast a spell to “raise the sun”, and then it turns to an episode of “Hello, Megan!” which should have been a clue as to what the hell was going on.

 Wally tells her its time to wake up, step through the door and find someone to love again, saying she deserved a chance. “I already had my chance” fucking hurt. She walks through the door (all that’s left of the house after everything faded from around them) and comes back under the willow, and she walks off with the girls.

Rocket questions what happened, and Zatanna admits she cast a spell, but it was all M’gann’s doing. She created a mindscape in Artemis’ head that let her get the closure she needed to be able to move on after two years. The day Artemis finds out that her best friends did that to her, I can very easily see it blowing up in M’gann and Zatanna’s faces and Artemis either threatening her friends or just outright cutting them out of her life.

 Violet got home with Lian who was sound asleep, and she tells Will it was “an average night” before going to lay Lian down. Artemis arrived a minute later, her and Will talking about the kiss and what happened, but they both agree it was wrong and felt wrong the moment it happened. They’re still in-laws, after all.

 Side note: Can you please bring Wally back already? The Goode Goggles hallucination for Garfield in ep 12, Dick’s fever dream in ep 23, and now a fake limbo by M’gann in ep 25, I am tired of being teased about my boy. Bring him back or stop fucking with our emotions, you bastards. Seriously!

 Episode 26: Nevermore

 Other than sharing its name with my favorite Teen Titans episode, let’s dive into the big finish!

Three teams lead the charge into Markovia to deal with Baron Bedlam. Tara, Garfield, Victor, and Brion are one squad, M’gann leading El Dorado, Blue Beetle, Traci 13, Static, Wonder Girl, and a couple of others are a second, and Connor, Artemis, Dick, Forager, and Violet are the last. Connor’s squad faces off with Bedlam who takes off running, Count Vertigo coming in to keep the squad down.

 Bedlam runs right into Gar’s team, and he’s confronted by his niece and nephew. Brion knocks him out of the window after Bedlam backhands Tara, and the two fight in the courtyard where it gets publicly broadcast. The fight goes either way, but Brion finally manages to get the upper hand on his uncle. Despite everyone telling him not to, Brion executes his uncle on international television! We find out later it’s the Ambassador using a low-level psychic ability to influence Brion’s actions, but the damage is done. Brion is now king of Markovia, estranged from his sister and broken up with Violet who is horrified at his actions. We see later the Ambassador is now a member of the Light, controlling Brion for a puppet government, along with Dr. Jace back in the picture looking happy to have her “Son” back. I honestly fear that Brion is going to be a season 4 antagonist.

I’m so glad to see that Tara’s not going to end up betraying everyone to Deathstroke and we’re not getting Judas Contract again. IT’s about time to do something new with her character, and where she is now is a good place to give her a new direction.

 Nice to see Luthor getting what he deserves. Connor outing himself as a clone created by Luthor was a nice touch, and it’s good that Troia might be getting the big chair.

 I’m glad SuperMartian is going to stay together. At least two of my ships continue to sail. I was so worried they were going to split for good at the end of Ep 24, and I’m happy to see them going to last.

 Dick outing everything they did to the Team and the League was a nice way to end it. Everyone coming back together, and Black Lightning getting the League chair was great. Dude has had a shit run the entire season and it’s good to see him get a win.

 A FUCKING LEGION OF SUPERHEROES RING IN THE END SHOT?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? Are we getting the Legion in season 4?! That would be so crash!! We almost got Slobo! And Lobo showing up and squashing his clone made from his severed finger was goddamn hilarious.

 Overall, this was a great season. There were some slow parts, a few things that could have been expanded on and shortened, but all in all I loved it from the word go. I’m glad we got to see a handful of “one-off” characters in Spoiler, Arrowette, and Orphan, and I hope to see them get more screentime in Season 4. Loved all the new characters, Cyborg was great, Halo was my all time favorite, loved Forager, and up until the end of Ep 26, I enjoyed Brion.

 Hats off the all of the voice actors this season, man. Stephanie Lemlin did so good as Artemis still struggling with Wally’s disappearance, and every time she talks about him, you feel the weight and emotion behind each word. Zehra Fazal, if you guys follow my twitter, you know how I feel about this woman. She voiced like a dozen characters, and she did such a damn good job in each scene she was in, and you felt the weight she was carrying trying to discover who and what she was. Zeno Robinson had some big shoes to fill as Cyborg, but MY GOD did the due kill it! From either of the spectrum, Zeno quickly rose up in the ranks of my favorite VA’s.

 I’m sad to see the season end, but let’s look forward to Season 4!!

[brydigdraws]

Goblin Week Day 1

Another year, another Goblin Week! Unfortunately, this particular week will be very busy for me so I’m unsure if I can actually do all seven days.

For now, though, please enjoy this short snippet about my goblins Rzekamien’s (originally made for D&D 5e) and Loc’s (originally made for a modified version of WH40K: Rogue Trader) first meeting (you can find out more about them by checking their respective tags on this blog). Please bear in mind that I’m not really a writer, and that this is a first draft and thus contains a few placeholder names and such.

It was an ordinary day as far as Rzekamien was concerned. The sun was shining through the trees, the birds sang their songs, and the wind was but a pleasant breeze. He liked it that way.

He sat in his cottage, writing in detail about the anatomy of the Etruscan shrew, referencing a skull sitting in front of him on the desk. He wasn't a published author or anything of the sort, nor did he wish to be. And even if he so wished, books written in Goblin weren't exactly in demand (not that he couldn't write in other languages - he was, in fact, quite the polyglot, but he held a certain fondness for his mother tongue). He simply wrote for himself, present and future. He also had a knack for illustration, at least given a reference. The sketches were scattered all throughout the book, complimenting texts about various plants, animals and fungi. This was volume twenty. He had opened a window to appreciate the ambient sounds it let in. For now, the forest was calm.

It was decidedly not an ordinary day for Loc. He was travelling through the galaxy at several times the speed of light, desperate to shake off his pursuers. He hadn't done anything wrong, really. Scavenging wasn't technically illegal, and how could he possibly have known that the wreckage of the huge ship that hadn't given off a single sign of activity for hundreds of years still, some-fucking-how, had survivors on it? Really aggressive, possessive survivors. With fully functional mini ships to chase his poor ass for way longer than was reasonable. He really wasn't the one in the wrong here.

Loc was quite a skilled pilot, but his ship could only go so fast, despite its small size. As he performed some impressive void acrobatics to stall for time, he also checked the radar for any planet that may be safe to land on.

Gas, gas, too cold, too hot...

After a while he came upon one with not only a survivable temperature, but also solid ground and breathable air.

Jackpot!

He headed straight for it, but just as he was about to enter the atmosphere, one of his pursuers finally managed to hit him with a projectile. As the error messages filled up the monitor, he did his best to regain control of the brakes to cushion the inevitable crash.

As though someone had snapped their fingers, the calm of the forest had come to an abrupt stop. Rzekk jumped at the sudden sound of branches breaking and trees falling not far from his home, quickly followed by a deafening boom. It was no longer an ordinary day.

After calming himself down a bit, Rzekk looked out the window to try to see what possibly could have caused so much noise and destruction. All he was met with was a tower of smoke beyond the trees - at least he didn't smell fire. He contemplated whether he should go and take a proper look; someone might have been seriously hurt, and he was a healer after all (not by choice, mind you, just came with the whole druid schtick). Then he remembered all the times curiosity had nearly killed him, and decided it was none of his business. It was probably just a powerful spell an incompetent spell caster had tried their hands at, or something of the sort. That was their own fault, and they'd have to deal with the consequences themselves - that's part of becoming competent. He went back to studying the skull.

Loc groaned. It was a rough landing, to say the least. But he did seem to still have all his limbs intact, thanks to his airbag suit. It looked absolutely ridiculous when inflated, but had played a big part in the drastic reduction of the amount of spaceship accident-related deaths in the last 20 years.

He pressed a small button to deflate the suit, and examined himself in the rear view mirror. Just some bruising, it seemed. ... Maybe internal bleeding? Oh, and definitely a headache. His bones seemed whole, at least.

He stepped outside on wobbly legs, and groaned anew when he saw that his ship now looked more like a pile of scrap than something he had spent 20.000 zilcons on. He put a caring hand against the hull.

"Don't worry, baby, Daddy's gonna fix you right up! Just stay put." And so he was on his wobbly way, hoping to find an engineering guild. Maybe a pharmacy, for some painkillers. When he was some hundred meters away, the engine exploded.

"Goddamnit."

Rzekamien was once again interrupted, this time by a loud knock on the door. Visitors were very rare this deep in the woods, so it did surprise him. But more than that, it annoyed him. He had been in the zone, and that knock knocked him right out of it. He was just about to ignore his visitor and get back to work, when they knocked again. And again. And again and again and his ears hurt. He sighed and went to open the door.

Before him stood a... goblin? He thought so, at least. They were about a head taller than himself, with blue-tinted, green skin, and big ears. However, he had never seen a goblin with such a nose before - it reminded him more of a bat's. And those clothes, they were made of materials he had never seen. The goblin's hair was as pink as lyre flowers - no dye he knew of was capable of such a rich, bright colour. ... Where the fuck did this person come from?

"Hey! I'm Loc, from star system LX-933-B. Nice to meet you!" The stranger stretched out a hand in greeting. Rzekk looked at the hand, then back to their face, then back to the hand. He really didn't want to touch it, but still did so reluctantly, for a lack of better alternatives. He retracted his hand immediately upon feeling the stickiness of the stranger's palm, and let out a small croak of disgust.

"Oh, sorry, forgot to retract the hairs. ... So, what's your name?" Rzekk didn't answer, he just looked at his unwelcome visitor suspiciously. He couldn't see behind their extremely dark-tinted goggles, which actually helped him sell the illusion that he was looking them in the eyes.

"Not much of a talker, eh? That's okay. Anyway, I just, uh, happened to crash here, so I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of the nearest engineering guild? Oh, and do you have any pain killers? ... It wasn't a very pleasant landing, y'see." He laughed awkwardly. "Sorry, I'm asking for a lot here." (he really wasn't) "I could give you something for the trouble? Not sure what, though, I didn't have much on me to begin with, and I'm not sure how much is whole at this point." With every word, Rzekk grew more and more confused. He knew five languages, and had heard pretty much all others on the planet enough times that he could easily recognise them. But whatever this person was spewing? He didn't have a clue. Loc noticed the confusion in his eyes and came to a halt.

"Oh, don't tell me... Your planet's that backwards? You don't have translators? You know, those chips installed in your ears? You don't have those? Oh boy, have you even made contact with the rest of the outside universe yet? What about your technology? Do you even know what velcro is? What-" Loc got interrupted by a sudden coughing fit, which made Rzekamien jump backwards in surprise. It was so violent one could think his heart would jump out of his throat at any moment. When the coughing finally stopped, Loc noticed the blood on his hands, and felt it trickle down his chin. He wiped it off unceremoniously. Rzekamien just stared at him in disbelief.

"Ohh, shit. I'm worse off than I thought, huh? Hey, is it alright if I crash here? I'm not... I'm not feeling very well." And that's all he managed to say before he went limp and collapsed before Rzekamien's feet. After trying his best to process what had just played out in front of him, Rzekamien begrudgingly dragged his unconscious body inside (he was a healer, after all). Ordinary days as he knew them would never come again.

[blueplanettrash]

Teammates. Friends. Family.

Man, this took a while for me to get out but I got it done eventually. I hope you enjoy it! This is my 100th post on this blog and I’m fucking psyched guys. Enough of my happiness, here is some pain.

“Lance!” Someone screamed his name desperately behind him. Pidge. The muscles in his neck twitched, the urge to turn towards the voice was overwhelming. His stomach sank but he couldn’t look away from the ship that he was stepping towards, slowly but surely coming closer to it. Hot tears welled up in his eyes as he tried in vain to move any part of his body, but he kept marching to the open bay doors of Lotor’s ship. The prince himself stood smirking as he came closer and closer to him.

“Lance! What are doing?!” A different a voice screamed at him angrily. That was Keith. A quiet sob hitched out of his throat, although it didn’t register on his face. He didn’t even know why he was walking towards the ship. Or why none of the generals were keeping him away from it. Not even why he couldn’t move his body.

“Lance please!” Hunk. He couldn’t stand that he was the one that caused that much pain to be in his friend’s voice. His foot landed on the metal of the ship ramp, unwillingly he walked and stopped at Lotor’s side and turned to look back at the battle.

“Zethrid, we’re done here,” Lotor drawled, he gripped Lance’s face in his hand and drew him closer possessively. She grinned and slammed her hands into the ground, sending up a cloud of dirt and debris. It took less than a minute for the ship to rocket into the atmosphere and away from them.

“Lance!” Allura screamed, her eyes searching the skies for the ship.

“Everyone, get to your lions, we still have a chance of catching them,” Keith commanded running back to Black. He didn’t wait for any affirmations before he was rocketing into the skies in a vain attempt to get his teammate. He flew around the planet looking in all directions for the craft, no matter where he looked he couldn’t even find a clue to where they could have gone.

“What about Red?” Allura asked the coms. If only he was in Red right now, Black was fast but Red was like a missile. He wasn’t the red paladin though. In fact, they had just lost their red paladin. He didn’t know what to do, he was supposed to be their leader. Now, look what it had gotten them.

“Keith?” Hunk asked gently, “Did you get Lance?” He asked so innocently that Keith didn’t know if he could tell him so bluntly.

“Keith?” Pidge asked again after the moment of silence.

“He’s gone, Lotor has him now,”

Metal cuffs were a lot less kinky than he thought they would be. Especially after being mind fucked by a female version of Zarkon and kidnapped by an evil prince. He had walked himself onto the outpost planet, redressed into a pair of threadbare pants and held his arms up to be tied before he was released from the galra’s spell.

“So, you’re Lotor?” Lance asked the smirking galra in front of him.

“That I am,” he replied with a sharp grin. He circled Lance like a shark in the water.

“So what did you capture me for? Handsome looks? Right-hand man? Expert sharpshooter?” He asked with a sparkling grin.

“Your fragile mind,” Lotor responded crossing his arms. At Lance’s fallen smile, he let out a hum and stood in front of him again.

“Obviously you weren’t our first choice, we hoped for the leader or the Princess, anyone else really but it was much easier to get you on the ship instead,” he chuckled. He squeezed Lance’s cheeks in his claws bringing his face closer to his.

“Now, I want you to tell me about your alliances and bring me your lion,” he demanded. Lance laughed and ripped his face away from the prince.

“You really expect me to give up my friends just like that?” He barked out a laugh. Lotor only grinned in response, startling Lance and making him fall silent in confusion.

“Of course not, now we just get to have more fun,” he said ominously. Lance squinted his eyes in confusion but when he looked around the room more closely, he understood. There were weapons strewn about and from what he could tell they had been used before. Fear grew in his chest when Lotor picked up a whip from one of the counters and slowly started approaching him.

“I can’t wait to see you cry out paladin,” he smirked, the tightening hand on the handle squeaking. Lance pulled at the chains above his head, the need to flee overcoming any other emotion. He watched Lotor circle around until he couldn’t turn himself enough to see him anymore. He looked ahead shaking violently, unable to tell when he would first strike him.

“Still not ready to provide the information I seek?” Lotor asked with amusement. Although he was trembling with fear and already close to tears, his team was much more important to him than any pain they inflicted on him.

“No.”

“What was that? I couldn’t quite hear you,” Lotor sang from behind his back.

“No!” He shouted. Lotor laughed and Lance pulled at the chains, attempting to pull to his chest protectively.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, I thought you would have a least a bit of intelligence,”  he said with a sigh. His eyes shut and his muscles tensed up when he heard a whistling behind him. The whip cracked along his back, yelping he leapt forward and writhed in pain. The feeling was like nothing he ever had before, at least he couldn’t remember what the bomb had felt like.

“Oh, my, quite the reaction, paladin,” Lotor laughed. Lance couldn’t stop trying to twist the pain away from his back but he stopped when he heard Lotor’s voice. The violent trembling came back full force as he waited for the next strike. Sobs easily tumbled out of his throat and he cried out when the end of the whip cracked beside his ear, making him step to the side away from it.

“I’ve got more important matters to tend to, however,” Lotor said with a sigh, walking past Lance, the whip was nowhere in sight. Lance stared vacantly forward, shocked at the pain he was feeling. Lotor grinned, how long could this weak brat really last?

“Don’t worry, Axca will be along shortly to keep you company,” Lance’s head whipped over to face him. He didn’t know which general he was talking about, but he knew that it wouldn’t be good.

“This would be a lot less painful for you if you would tell us what we want to know,” Axca said calmly, watching Lance try to yank himself away from her. It was pathetic really, the only way out of those cuffs were if someone else removed them.

“Trust me, lady, I know,” Lance growled watching her warily. She sighed but stepped forward, a blade in her hand. He tried backing away from her still but the chain kept him in place. A long cut down his chest made him cry out and look at the expressionless face in front of him. He cried out as each cut became deeper than the one before.

“You don’t need to hurt,” she tried to reason with him. All he gave her was a snarl before he headbutted her. She yelled and stumbled backward holding her forehead in pain. Lance glared at her with an already bruising forehead and spit at her. She growled but calmly walked forward again but this time she circled around behind him like Lotor did before. When she saw the laceration on his back she pressed the blade of the knife to it, not yet putting pressure on it.

“I’m just trying to save you some suffering paladin, just tell us what we want to know,” she demanded. Lance shook his head vigorously and spat at her in anger.

“No! I won’t tell you!”

“Very well,” she cut into the meat in his back. She slashed down through the already made wound. Lance clenched his teeth hard enough to hear them creak in his skull. Tears had been falling since the first wound but he didn’t let it ruin his resolve. He had to stay strong for his team and try to find a way out of this prison. If Shiro was able to escape the Galra, he had at least a chance of making it out.

“Is there something on your mind?” Axca asked breaking him out of his internal pep talk. He smirked even though he knew she couldn’t see his face.

“Nothing you need to worry about,” he replied smugly. The blade didn’t go back on his skin and he waited in confused silence. His eyes widened when he heard the telltale whistle. He couldn’t help the shriek that escaped his mouth when the leather landed on his skin. Sweat and tears dropped to the floor as the pain ricocheted up his spine. He gasped in a wet breath but wasn’t able to calm himself before another lash came down.

She lashed across the cut she made already made, they burned like nothing before. He leaned forward trying to suck in breathes but it felt like he was breathing through a straw. Lash after lash and it didn’t seem like she was ready to stop yet. He sobbed loudly, not even trying to flinch away knowing that she would be able to get to him. Whatever was running down his back was making his wounds sting and he wanted more than anything to be back in the Castle and wake up as if this was all a terrible dream.

“Are you ready to tell yet?” Axca asked tugging his head up by his hair to face her. When had she gotten in front of him?

“No, they’re my teammates,”

He didn’t want to know how she had learned so much about the human body, and he wasn’t about to ask either. She had already made him lose the strength in his legs, and was now dangling solely from his wrists.

“You do realize that Axca is the nicest one out of all of us,” Ezor smiled looking up and down at her handiwork. After weeks watching Axca calm, monotoned voice and face, it was creepy to see Ezor watching him with a constant smile.

“She also seems to care about humans a lot,” she said with a finger to her chin in thought. She shrugged and turned her attention back to Lance. “Unlucky for you, I don’t care that much,”

Lance looked at her with a raised eyebrow, she didn’t seem like she could cause any more damage then Axca could. For one, she wasn’t even holding a weapon. She pouted when she saw the look on his face and walked closer. She grabbed his leg and brought it closer to her chest and with a clean move dislocated his ankle. For a second the pain didn’t register and he looked at the bump in his skin in shock. Tears once again sprung to his eyes and he let out a loud shriek.

“This is only the beginning, anything you’d like to tell me?” Ezor asked with a wink. He shakily looked up at her, his breath whistling between his teeth and he shook his head resolutely. She grumbled and let his foot hit the ground with a thump. He cried out and put his weight on the other instead.

“Anything come to mind?” He ignored her focusing on his ankle, which was turning an impressive shade of blue. Without a second more to rest, she lifted up his other leg, making him lean on his injured foot. She watched him squirm and try to stifle his emotions to appear strong. As soon as he regained his composure, she smirked and twisted the ankle. He couldn’t even try to hit her anymore, his hands above his head and both feet injured.

“How about now?” She asked when she dropped his leg. He ignored her and tried to alleviate the pain by pulling himself up by the chains. She struck out with a kick, catching him in the stomach and making himself drop his full weight back to his feet. He wailed and looked at her in fear, shaking like a leaf in the wind.

“How. About. Now?” She growled. He looked at her with terror but in his eyes, there was still a fierce determination.

“No, they’re my friends,”

He swung limply from the chains and stared down at the ground. It was about time that Ezor came around, it had been another few weeks since she had switched out for Axca. Like before he had gotten used to her methods of torture, and could now deal with the pain of dislocating and relocating bones. He shuddered still able to fell the aches deep in his skin. Was the team going to come for him soon? He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

He looked up at the door when he heard booming footsteps come closer. His eyes widened when he fully realized the only person who could be making those steps. His feet slipped on the floor, bones still aching as he scooted away from the door. It swung open to reveal Zethrid’s menacing grin.

“We’re going to have a lot of fun paladin,” she smirked and grabbed his entire neck in one massive hand. He choked and froze going limp in her hand. Her laugh resounded through the room and she chucked him away, making his wrists catch painfully in the cuffs and yank on his shoulders.

“You really should have told Axca or Ezor what you know,” she grinned cracking her knuckles. He closed his eyes, terrified about what she was going to do.

He wanted to go back to the Castle.

He wanted to see everyone again.

He didn’t want to die here.

I don’t want to die.

Zethrid laughed as he began sobbing in front of her. Gasps tearing out of his throat so harshly that he choked. Her hand grasped around the bottom of his chin and yanked it up to look in her eyes.

“Ready to break paladin?” His eyes dulled looking at her smug face. He would never give them up, they were too important to him and the universe, but now he was ready to die for them. He was about to tell her just that when a small tingle began in the back of his mind. He had felt this same tingle so many times, it was hard not to cheer and laugh in Zethrid’s face.

It was Blue. A second tingle came into his mind, smaller but still present. Red.

They came for him, they were here to get him. They didn’t forget about him. He could go home.

“Well, paladin?” He had almost forgotten that he was being held in his happiness. He gave her a small smile which left her feeling baffled.

“No, they’re my family,” he said softly. She growled and pulled her fist back but before it could connect the screeching of metal pierced their ears. The wall now had a giant blue paw through it. Her roar echoed through the room and she smashed her head through the hole. Allura flew out her whip in hand but instead tackling Zethrid with a roar of her own. Another screech of metal sounded and Red’s head appeared next to Blue’s.

“My favourite girl and my favourite boy, what a gift,” he muttered looking over at the two. Keith sprinted out of Red’s mouth, his bayard in hand.

“Lance!”

“Hey mullet, what’s shaking?” he asked with a grin. Keith quickly cut the chains and caught him before he fell to the ground. He clutched onto Keith’s armour with numb hands and let himself be hauled up into his arms.

“Allura!” He yelled. Lance looked over to see her with her whip around the galra’s neck, choking her out. She looked over and back at the general at her mercy, she growled but let the line loosen. They ran back to the lions and were quickly in the sky.

“Did you get Lance?” Hunk asked frantically. Keith smiled and looked over his shoulder to where Lance was lying on the ground, covered in blankets and looking a little more at ease.

“Yeah we got him,” he said with a little smile. There were sighs of relief from the rest of the team. It had been a long and devastating number of weeks for the team. Nothing that would compare to what Lance had been through but the reality of living without Lance was nothing like what they expected. Within a week, there was a general air of sadness and depression. There was no one to break the awkward air or cheer them up when times got especially bleak. For the first time, they knew what it felt like to lose their heart. They didn’t know what Lance had gone through, or how long it was going to take for him to heal, but one this was for certain.

Lotor was going to get what’s coming to him.

Stories Masterlist

[mydaydreams]

Getting over bucky

First fic please be nice

Warning: smut, fingering, vulgar language

Sum: Bucky over hears a convo with you and your best friend talking on the phone about fucking peitro to move on from bucky.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

We were at the tower, i was sitting comfortably on the main living room couch racking my fingers through my hair, and texting on my phone. Most of the avengers were here sitting in the living room as well, all watching whatever was on tv and talking amongst themselves. My eyes however were fixated on Bucky. The way his lips moved while he talked to Steve. I watched the way his body moved as he breathed. The way he was sitting on the couch. He legs spread with his hands resting on his thighs. I wanted to rest on his thighs. My legs on each side of him. I texted my friend.

‘i wanna sit on his Dick🍆🥒🍌’ i sent

Not but maybe 30 seconds later my friend maddy sent back

‘Fucking do it.👅 Your always talking about him. why don’t you just put on something sexy and go to his room tonight?’

I rolled my eyes and turned the brightness down on my phone just in case someone was looking over my shoulder in this crowded room.

'I totally would if i knew he liked me back. I don’t want to completely humiliate myself. And he would never go for me.’

I could practically feel maddy rolling her eyes when she texted back

'Omg Y/N just do it. You would have him begging for you all night long’

This time i rolled my eyes.

'Its more like me begging for it…fuck dude I’m begging for it now. Man i just need to get real. And get over him.’

She replied in seconds

'Yea ride that cock🐓’

I sighed loudly and replied back

'Oh my god thats totally not what i meant. But its nice to think about. I gotta go B ill call you later❤’

'Peace❤’

I stood from the couch and walked toward the kitchen. I needed some cold water. I thought about it..,Wearing the white set of lingerie me and Wanda picked out a few weeks ago. I thought of sneaking into his room while he was sleeping, crawling up his body the white silk of my bra slightly rubbing against his bear cheat as i would tug his pajama bottoms down. I closed my eyes and took a big swig of the ice water. God i have never seen him naked before. I have imagined him nude a few times over but i could never actually picture his true “form”. God i wonder how big he is, how thick. I could feel my stomach tighten.

I looked over to the living room. My eyes searching for Bucky. He was still sitting on the couch. But now his legs were crossed and his hands were together laid out on his knee. Oh his hands. I couldn’t help but think about what that metal arm was made of. I sighed and gulped the rest of the water down and placed the cup in the sink. I could feel the pool in my underwear getting deeper. I groaned and stormed out and toward the elevator. I had no clue eyes had been on me the whole time.

When i had gotten to my floor i pulled my phone out and called Maddy. She answered within seconds.

“Oh my god Y/N i knew i was gonna get a horny phone call from you.”

I walked into my apt in the tower. I left the door open. “Oh my god i know I’m sorry i just….i don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him know. You know what i blame you! This is your fault.” I said putting her on speaker and setting her down on the counter.

I walked to my closet and pulled my short shorts down. I had still been in my pj’s. “Hey I’m not the one making your panties wet Y/N. You can blame that on that sexy avenger of yours.” I sighed and pulled my tank top off. “You know i just need to stop thinking about him and get real. You think Peitro is still DTF? i can’t sit around and wait for him to ask me out and come to me you know. I gotta take what i can get.” I heard her cough “ take what you can get?… bitch i bet you if you told Bucky how you feel he would fuck you just how you like. All you would have to do is ask.” I pulled a bra and crop top on. “ i totally would if buck was into me. Witch he’s So Not!” I half yelled as slipped my skirt on. “ he has never been into me and he never will. And the only way to cope is for someone else to take his place in this welcoming pussy because i know another avenger that would love to cure my dry spell and i am about to make a move.” I said slipping my heels on and walking out of my closet to grab my phone. “What ever i still ship you and Bucky and i still think you should totally make a move on him instead of waiting for him to chase you. I mean can he even be any good in bed. I feel like he would always cum fast because of the speed. Oh well speed is probably what you will want so you can hurry back to daydreaming about bucky plowing into you instead of mister quick and fast” she said i quickly took her off speaker. “Jesus Maddy. I love you. Im gonna go try and get fucked.” I said she laughed “Peace”. I hung up the phone.

●Meanwhile in Buckys head.●

“Dude you really should just ask her out. I don’t think she will say no to you.” Steve said as i sat down on the couch beside him. I looked over at Y/N she was sitting on the couch on the other side of the room. Her shorts were riding up her thighs and her tank top was slightly flowing down every time she moved, showing me more and more of her chest. “I think she would. Look at her. She’s probably texting a boyfriend right now.” I said watching her type on her phone. Steve gave me a look as he said “well why don’t you go over there and ask.” I scoffed at him and shook my head and tried to pay attention to whatever was playing on the tv.

I heard a soft moan from across the room. I looked up at Y/N and watched as she shot off the couch and walked over to the kitchen. Her shorts rode higher up her legs making it to wear you could slightly see her ass. I licked my lips and tried to control my breathing. God, what i would give to grip that tight ass of hers. I watched her as she poured herself some water. She was still typing wildly on her phone. I rolled my eyes in jealousy. Maybe she did have some secret boyfriend she wouldn’t tell anyone about. Steve broke me from my thoughts by saying “Your staring” i sighed and looked away from her. I crossed my legs. My jeans were getting a little tight. How is it at all fair for her to be walking around wearing basically nothing. I looked back at her and watched as she chugged the remaining water in the cup. I watched her neck move as the water flowed down her throat. I imagined her swallowing my cock instead of that water. I closed my eyes for a minute trying to control my self. “Go after her!” Steve said. My eyes shot open in search for her. I spotted her in the elevator going up. “Damn” i said jumping up and walking as fast as possible to the elevator doors and waited for it to come back down to me.

Once i got to Y/N’s room i saw her door was left hanging wide open. I was about to walk in when i heard her speaking “just….i don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him know. You know what i blame you! This is your fault” my head hung low at her words. She did have some kind of boyfriend. “Hey I’m not the one making your panties wet Y/N you can blame that on that sexy avenger of yours” i heard another voice speak. She must be talking her her friend on the phone. She can’t be dating an avenger. “You know i just need to stop thinking about him and get real. You think Peitro is still DTF? I can’t sit around and wait for him to ask me out and come to me you know. I gotta take what i can get.” I was shocked. Who was she waiting on to ask her out. Doesn’t 'DTF’ mean down to fuck? She wants peitro? Fucking quick silver? “take what you can get?… bitch i bet you if you told Bucky how you feel he would fuck you just how you like. All you would have to do is ask.” Her friend said. Oh my god. Oh my god she likes me. “I totally would if buck was into me. Witch he’s So Not! he has never been into me and he never will. And the only way to cope is for someone else to take his place in this welcoming pussy because i know another avenger that would love to cure my dry spell and i am about to make a move.” What? I’m so into her it drives me crazy. I can’t believe she would fuck him just because she couldn’t have me.

I would love to help her out of her dry spell. Shit she’s gonna make a move on him. I can’t let that happen. “What ever i still ship you and Bucky and i still think you should totally make a move on him instead of waiting for him to chase you. I mean can he even be any good in bed. I feel like he would always cum fast because of the speed. Oh well speed is probably what you will want so you can hurry back to daydreaming about bucky plowing into you instead of mister quick and fast” i 100% agree with her friend. And i would love to plow into her and she will have no issue with my stamina. I could totally chase her. I can’t believe this. I turned around and all but sprinted to the elevator and went up back to the living room. I smiled a little at the thought of actually being able to be with her. Be with her In every way possible. First things first though. I need to get rid of the neighborhood quickster.

When the elevator doors opened i scanned the room for the fast little twerp. Y/N’s friend was right he probably wouldn’t last the first 30 seconds with someone as perfect as Y/N. God i couldn’t wait to have my hands on her. Ill have her screaming my name in a matter of seconds. I spotted peitro in the kitchen going through the fridge. I smiled and walked over to him. I looked around the room for Steve. He was no where to be seen. Ismiled.

“Hey” i said patting his shoulder with my metal arm. “ Steve said he needed your help with something in the gym.” I said he looked up at me. “Yea? Ill go in a min.” He said digging in the back of the fridge. I looked over to the elevator and watched as the numbers were slowly going down. I growled and pulled him away from the fridge, slammed the door shut, grabbed a bag of chips off the counter, shoved the bag into his chest and pointed toward the back door. “Go.” I said and with a flash he was gone. I looked around the room.Thank god no one was here to see that.

I looked over at the elevator just as it opened. Y/N was wearing a rose pink crop top a black flowie mini skirt and some strappy heels. I can not believe she dressed up for him. She walked into the living area but looked at me. “Where did the party go?” She asked i shrugged and opened the fridge acting like i was doing something. I didn’t know how to go from here. If she wants me to chase her how would i go about doing that? Should i try and ask her out or should i seduce her to help with her “dry spell”. I do love her, i don’t want her thinking i just want her for sex if i seduce her. “Damn.” She said jumping up onto the counter. I smirked. This is perfect.

“So uh, you going to Starks homecoming party tomorrow night?” She asked i turned toward her and shut the fridge door. “Homecoming?” I asked she nodded “yea its supposed to be a play on words or something like that because he’s introducing peter to everyone tomorrow and hes still in highschool…homecoming.” she said i smiled at her. And nodded “i would go if i had a date.” I started as i moved over to her. I stood in from of her as she sat on the counter. My eyes trailed up and down her body. “Yea?” She asked looking up at me. I nodded and rested my hands on each of her legs. She flinched but didn’t protest. “Maybe..” i said as i started drawing on her knee with the tip of my metal finger. “Maybe?” She asked begging me to finish. “Maybe you would like to accompany me?” I asked racking my hands higher up her silky smooth legs. I looked up at her face. Her cheeks were red. I smiled as i watched her nod her head fiercely at my request. I grabbed one of her hands in mine and brought it up to my mouth to kiss. I watched as Goosebumps started trailing their way up her arm. I could tell i was driving her crazy.

“Its a date then.” I said as i started to back away from her but her legs caught my hips so i was now standing in between her legs. I raised my eye brows at her. And placed my hands back on her legs. I swear i heard a small whimper coming from her. “ now what was that?” I asked slowly moving my hands up her legs and under her skirt. I could already feel the heat radiating from her core. Oh how i desperately wanted to be inside of her. My pants had never been this tight. I bet she was tight.

“I…uhm..” she stammered but i felt her legs wrap themselves around my waste and i felt her ankles lock behind my back. I didn’t know how long i could hold about before kissing her. Me trying to drive her wild was only making me go mad. My boner was pressed against the edge of the counter just aching to be touched. I watched her face as i gripped tightly to her thighs under her skirt. I needed her consent before touching her.

As if she could read my mind she spoke up “oh my god bucky please touch me!!” She said placing both of her hands on my biceps. I swear i could have cum just from hearing her beg for me like that. I let my hand continue up toward her core till i felt wet silk. I smiled and let my finger slip under her panties. I fucking moaned when i felt her. Just so warm and hot and wet. “ you are drenched ” i said finding her clit. I flicked my finger against it making her jump closer to me on the counter. She now sat on the very edge of the counter her hands pressed against my chest with her legs still wrapped around me. I slowly pushed one finger into her she arched her back and moaned almost immediately as i curled my finger in her. I pulled out and added another finger into her and curled again and again quickening my pace. I snaked my other metal hand up under her skirt and into her panties as well to rub her clit with my thumb. I looked into her eyes as i fingered her. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was hanging open. One of her hands held my shoulder while the other gripped my wrist as i pumped my fingers in and out of her. “ buck…Ohhhh” she moaned the squashing sound of our activity echoed along the walls. She dropped her head down against my chest as I went faster. I could feel her start to clench around me so i knew she was close. “ Y/N,…” i said she looked up at me. “Cum for me!” I said her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around my neck holding me to her as i tried to pump faster into her while she came all over my hands and all down the counter top. “Buckyyy!” She moaned one lest time before falling limp against me. We stayed like that for a few minutes before she pulled back a little letting my hands free. I pulled my fingers from her earning one last moan. I brought my hand to my mouth and licked it clean. She tasted so good. Fuck i can’t take this anymore. I pulled her off of the counter and into my arms. She again wrapped her legs around me as i held her up with my metal arm. I searched the counter top for a towel and some cleaner spray and quickly cleaned our little mess up. When finished i practically ran up to the elevator.

In the elevator i set her down on her feet and looked down at her. I backed her up against the wall. “You know? We still haven’t kissed yet.” I said moving my arms up so they were on either sides of her head. She was trapped there. “ then kiss me”

[pollyestergivens]

Part 2: Nancy Drew & The Case of the Missing Realism

Balancing Immersion with Puzzles

A wall of text series on how Nancy Drew games largely lost their charm.

A question every game developer must answer is, “How aware should the player be that they are playing a game?”

Games that focus on scoring points, gaining achievements, new & innovative game mechanics, etc. don’t always try to immerse the player in the way story-based games often do--indeed, some narrative based games these days are called “walking simulators” because of the almost complete lack of game mechanics.

What has always been special about the Nancy Drew series is the balance the games often achieve between game play mechanics and storytelling. Interviewing suspects, exploring locations, solving puzzles and collecting clues give the player an active role in unraveling the mystery.

In the early games, largely due to budget and hardware limitations, characters and locations were not exactly photo-realistic, but once they moved onto full-3D characters in the second title, I never felt it was significantly distracting or lessened my ability to get into the game (with the one glaring exception being their almost obsessive desire to slap the HER logo or Nancy’s name on every day objects in the game world, particularly in the earliest titles). 

However, the irony is that as HER improved their ability to produce realistic graphics with each title (and moved on to slapping Krolmeister on everything), the content of the games seemed to be increasingly unrealistic, causing the very thing they should have avoided at all costs: breaking immersion.

Mini-Games

Mini-games showed up early in the series, but they were exceedingly rare in the first ten or so titles. Instead, the games were full of largely realistic, detective-style tasks such as dusting for fingerprints, code-breaking, finding and using passwords and locker combinations, etc., alongside important suspect dialogues and general snooping, which made for a pretty balanced-feeling game. Jump ahead to the last ten or so titles, and you’ll find a completely different scenario. 

Take the last (and hopefully not final) game, Sea of Darkness. SEA is very nearly nothing but a barrage of mini-games. Whether you’re helping out at the pub “filling orders” or earning money by matching vocabulary words (though very fun for nerds like me), you’re painfully aware that you are playing a game. Many of the various contraptions on the ship (the wheel puzzle) and in the lighthouse (the 2048 clone) also scream “VIDEO GAME.”

Rather than methodically solving a mystery, Nancy is essentially going from mini-game to mini-game, with finding a clue or talking to someone as window dressing. It gives the player the feeling that the point of the game is not so much to feel like a detective or to care about the story, but rather to get a minor dopamine rush from finishing all the puzzles--much like the point of most hidden object games, which rarely take the time to produce a decent story since that’s not what the player is typically there for.

However, I would venture to say that Nancy Drew game players are there for the story and certainly there for the feeling of being a detective. By constantly being made to play mini-games like Aggregation, 2048, nonograms, sudokus, renograms, etc. ad nauseam, I find myself feeling less like a detective and more like I’ve just played a series of unrelated iOS games.

That isn’t to say that these mini-games aren’t fun--I found Aggregation and the wires puzzle from Trail of the Twister to be quite addicting. Nor do I think there were no great story lines in the later games (Shadow at the Water’s Edge and Ghost of Thornton Hall both shined bright in this area). 

Rather, they simply break immersion, which gives the game a distinctly different feel from others that focus more on things like snooping through someone’s computer or sending Morse code messages to smugglers.

Sure, you’re usually doing the mini-game while being sleuthy--getting into Gray’s computer in The Deadly Device or getting into the safe in Shadow at the Water’s Edge--but it takes away the realism factor to, in my opinion, an unacceptable degree.

When mini-games are used sparingly, as they once were in the earlier titles, they can bring a fun-factor that only a video game could bring, adding a little variety to the typical adventure game puzzles like “find the key for the lock.”

Implausible Contraptions 

However, mini-games are not the only culprit in The Case of the Missing Realism. Many of the games suffer from implausible contraptions made by dead people--sometimes for no apparent reason.

Again, look to Sea of Darkness for some egregious examples. Part of a skeleton holding a box within a secret area of an old ship that has been thoroughly restored yet somehow was not found??? The ship’s wheel has a fucking slider-type puzzle on it???

Was the captain an amazing engineer? No. 

Did he hire an amazing engineer? No.

Similar issues abound with Tomb of the Lost Queen. Personally, I found this game and its numerous puzzles (some mini-games, some not) to be fun, but it didn’t feel like a “true” Nancy Drew mystery. The ancient Egyptians obviously were great engineers, but moving columns??? Really??? I found there was an almost mystical feel to the game, which runs quite contrary to the game worlds of previous games.

However, the absolute worst offender is Labyrinth of Lies. While the game designers no doubt had the time of their lives creating all those beautiful set locations, the stage system and all the sundry puzzles it contained made about as much sense as the entirety of The Shattered Medallion: absolutely none.

That coupled with suspects literally spelling out how to solve their own puzzles or find where they hid something made LIE a thoroughly unimmersive game. 

We’re asked as players to suspend our disbelief in these sort of situations for the sake of an entertaining game, but again I ask: is simply being entertained really, at core, what Nancy Drew gamers want? 

I say no.

I think what drew us in and what we kept hoping to find again as each additional title was released was the feeling of really being a detective. But the more we’re reminded that this is just a game and realism is sacrificed in favor of shoving in as many puzzles as possible, the less we get that feeling.

Perhaps making all the contraptions realistic can pose a creative struggle for the game designers, but past games have proven that an abundance of interesting and challenging puzzles can be included without sacrificing a feeling of awe or simply being interesting.

A few good examples:

Benjamin Hawkins’ hideout in Danger on Deception Island 

The monolith in Secret of the Scarlet Hand

Almost all the secret areas in Treasure in the Royal Tower

The elevator shaft puzzle is a particularly clever example

The reveal of each of these places felt exciting and made me feel like secret rooms and hidden chambers can be real--like each of these places could actually exist in the real world. Part of what made them feel real was also that the mechanism which revealed them to us was not outlandish. Stone and jade artifacts were used to open the monolith, not a sudoku puzzle followed by the monolith rocketing off into space or some such feat of implausible engineering (though I won’t defend the bizarre, poetic speech given by the cast when Nancy escapes). 

None of this is to say that every bit of the old games was 100% realistic--a little bit of suspension of disbelief is okay. But there is a balance that should be maintained, and sadly it became more and more unbalanced with later releases.

Character Personalities

There is no doubt that the Nancy Drew series contains some amazing and memorable characters. From the older games, we got Professor Hotchkiss, Brady & Simone, the wrong amnesiac, Red Knott, and Ethel, to name a few. And the newer games gave us Big Island Mike, Henry Bolet, Colin Baxter, Yumi & Rentaro, Deirdre, Jamila, and Harper Thornton, among others. 

Aside from some “hip” dialogue that missed the mark in Warnings at Waverly Academy and questionable accents in several games, characters generally felt genuine and unique--only occasionally would they say something odd or out of character. But a trend started to appear towards the end: so many of the characters began to sound the same--they were almost all suddenly witty.

Aside from the ever evolving personalities of George, Bess and the Hardy Boys, Yumi and Rentaro were the first exceptionally witty characters I noticed, and at the time it felt quite novel and like a genuine portrayal of funny, young people. But then came Lukas, Marcus, and Karl in The Captive Curse. Then Ryan in The Deadly Device. Then Bridget in the The Silent Spy. Then the entire cast of The Shattered Medallion. Then Niobe in Labyrinth of Lies. Not to mention all the random, out-of-character injections of wit coming from countless others in almost all the last ten games.

I remember loling at some of the quotes from Rentaro and Miwako, and I think their wit and humor lightened up an otherwise dark and grim story line--similar to Harper’s role in Ghost of Thornton Hall. But increasingly in the newest ten titles, it seemed like the humor often fell flat or simply didn’t fit with the character. It started to feel like you weren’t talking to suspects in a mystery, but rather characters all written by the same author.

Sadly, not everyone is a master of wit in the real world, and the overuse of these type of characters can feel jarring. Again: immersion broken.

The Big, Glaring Exception

HER always ends the game with a final culprit-stopping puzzle. They usually involve quick thinking, recalling previous game knowledge and/or high-stakes puzzle solving--and they usually range from implausible to impossible. Sometimes dreadfully combining implausible contraptions with a mini-game, these doozies have been rearing their ugly heads since that alarm sequence at the end of Stay Tuned for Danger. 

The famous “fight” in Danger by Design and the Poe-inspired showdown in Warnings at Waverly Academy raised more than a few eyebrows--even on the HER official message boards, where criticism of any game is often tantamount to sin. But they’re far from alone in their bewilderment. From magical platforms in Tomb of the Lost Queen and The Creature of Kapu Cave to a well-trained whale in Danger on Deception Island and the mini-game-to-end-all-mini-games in Labyrinth of Lies, the ending has never quite been the peak of any Nancy Drew game.

Why It Matters

Some evolution of the Nancy Drew game series was perhaps inevitable, given the sheer volume of titles released. In an effort to keep interest up and stay relevant, HER took risks by adding mechanics and trying out new writers and designers over the years. The trouble is, the feel of the games evolved too. 

Rather than finding ways to maintain that sense of mystery and realism (and perhaps improve their endgames), they began to drift towards a much more “gamey” feel. Collectible phone charms began to be placed in game scenes (why are there cellphone charms in an ancient Egyptian tomb??? The real mystery of that game). Powering on a lighthouse went from logically deducing the correct light bulb to a round of 2048. 

Was it wrong of HER to move in this direction? Of course not. It’s all down to matter of opinion whether these changes made the game more or less fun, and I freely admit that I thoroughly enjoyed many of the newest titles. 

But did they feel like “true” Nancy Drew games? Not really.

With Pointless Tasks, mini-games, and unrealistic characters and scenarios around every corner, immersion was constantly being shattered, and I increasingly walked away dissatisfied with the newest installments.

But another culprit shares the blame as well--the topic of Part 3: Nancy Drew & The Vanishing Set Designer.

Read Part 1: Nancy Drew & The Curse of the Pointless Task

[catastrophe-conglomerate]

Elemental Affairs - Session 5 Summary

Night has fallen in the Defiant Ship, silence crawls through the halls until the air suddenly carries a horrible scream and the sounds of a struggle. Lara and Rei, being elves, don’t need to sleep and hear the racket going on upstairs. They immediately run over to see what’s going on.

In the guest room where Blatrenn is, Auk is confronting him with their rapier drawn, in another attempt to end Blatrenn’s life. Rei and Lara manage to hold them off barely, though Auk still wants to kill him and is seconds away from just going through with it.

At this point, Lynnae wakes up and sees that Auk is no longer in the room with her. When she hears screams upstairs, she assumes the worst and runs over immediately, only to find things exactly the opposite of what she expected. Luckily, she manages to cool Auk off enough, telling them that she has a plan and that she needs Blatrenn alive for that. She takes them back to their room and waits until morning.

Once downstairs, Lyn distances herself from the group and keeps glaring at Hadall and Trick: the situation from yesterday hasn’t quite blown over and she distrusts them greatly.

Hadall takes Trick and the toddler aside and he starts talking to the child. She’s a fire-genasi tiefling with tiny little tusks and she’s absolutely adorable. When Hadall asks about where the child lives, she just answers with a happy “home!”. She also describes her home as “green” and with many “birbs”. Hadall asks for her name: she can say it, but it comes out a little fucky. She says “Kaya Covinus”, and Hadall’s face tightens immediately. In order to help her calm down and have fun, Rei casts minor illusion and makes a bird for Kaya to play with.

Now Hadall starts talking to Trick: he’s interested in the reason Trick gives out so many fake names to others. Not just that, too, the massive scar on Trick’s side has also piqued his interest. Trick explains how she had a reputation of playing harmless pranks in her hometown, until one day her family home burned down and she got the blame for it (despite the fact she witnessed goblins burning her home down). Her parents and siblings all perished in the fire and Trick was arrested. She broke out of prison and has been on the run ever since. She doesn’t know if there’s anyone still after her. Hadall asks her if Trick is her real name, to which Trick answers “it is now.” Trick spent some time in the circus, traveling around and performing. She misses that life.

Trick, in return, has some questions for Hadall: she’s wondering about the name that Rosa first addressed him with (Kuvan). It’s one of his names. Hadall reveals he’s from Fass, from a little village called Glynshyr, which Trick has visited with the circus once, at least a few years ago.

Lynnae butts into the conversation at this moment, telling Hadall and Trick that they still have something to discuss with her. Lyn wants to make it very clear that she will not appreciate being “fucked over” like yesterday, at which Hadall starts yelling that he wasn’t really the one fucking her over, but that she fucked over the team instead. Lyn’s convinced Hadall could have stopped her in a different way. They shout about matters of trust, how Lyn doesn’t dare trust Hadall anymore and, in return, how Hadall’s afraid that he can’t trust Lynnae in stressful situations because she’s practically a ticking timebomb. At this point Lynnae turns to Trick, asking her what the fuck she was thinking threatening her with her biggest fear. Trick had absolutely no clue that the threat of being charmed was that bad for Lynnae, and neither did Hadall. Hadall cools off a little and tells her that if he had known this would upset her so much, he never would have taken her hostage. Trick tells Lyn she still would have used the threat out of a wish of survival, to “do what must be done”. It was the uncertainty and loss of control that got Lynnae in such a state of stress in the first place.

Just as Lyn starts losing her shit again, Trick casts Calm Emotions and dispels the anger immediately. Both Hadall and Lynnae feel better at once. Hadall tells Lynnae to, next time, at least try to restrain herself a bit better, to which Lyn says that she has always had the tendency of exploding at these moments. They talk about how Lyn should think of the good of the group more. Hadall assures Lyn that he only means well, and that he never would have taken her in if that weren’t the case. With promises of improvement, the two finally make up and Lynnae gives him one of her business cards, but instead of “I’m sorry for the way my party treated you”, it now says “I’m sorry for the way I treated you”. Lyn admits that she wouldn’t be alive now if not for Hadall, and she gets up from the table, announcing that she needs Hadall, Trick, and actually the entire group including Rosa and Blatrenn.

The group reconvenes, and Lynnae says she wants to interrogate Blatrenn. To prove her trustworthiness she gloves her hands, and promises not to hurt Blatrenn unless he gives her a valid reason, even asking Hadall to hold her back if she blows up again.

Lynnae pulls out a list of questions and starts the interrogation.

 Who of the five missing children from Pasekar are dead? Blatrenn didn’t ask their names. And where were the other three taken? The remaining three children of Pasekar are with Vurryl in Trestyr What are the chances they are still alive? Blatrenn has no clue. There is a chance but that’s it. Were you the one who killed them? He was. What is the name of your cult? There’s no official name, but they call themselves the Followers of the Many Eyed. Any subdivisions or anything? No more subdivisions apart from Vurryl’s and Falk’s. What is your deal with the Gold Dragon of Wyntir? That was Hykaril’s business. Is this related to why you use Draconic for your writing and communication? It’s the language of magic and it’s unrelated to Hykaril’s fascination for the Gold Dragon. Is Hykaril’s hunting party still out there and are their crystals connected to the same set as ours, considering they belonged to Hykaril’s group? Hykaril’s group was very small and he depended on Vurryl and Blatrenn a lot for the hunting. Blatrenn doesn’t know who else can listen in on us. What was the spell Kauthrien enchanted you with? Blatrenn doesn’t know what it’s called. He describes it as being commanded. Kauthrien repeatedly told him to “not disobey her”. You mentioned in your diary that you and Kauthrien had a meeting here in town a while ago. When was this exactly? A few weeks ago What was it about? In order to “reassure her orders”. Blatrenn was enchanted one year ago, and during the meeting the spell was cast on him again and renewed in that sense. Anything about her behavior that struck you as odd? Not weirder than usual. Is there a possibility she’s still closeby? He has no idea.

Now this is where Lynnae gets down to business:

How do we contact Kauthrien? There’s a possibility you can only do it with Kauthrien’s face in mind, but Blatrenn’s not sure. You do, however, have to focus on her. Can Kauthrien spy on us through the crystal or does she have other means to do so? What are the chances we’re being watched? He has no fucking idea man. He mentions she probably knows magic for it but he doesn’t know anything for sure. Is there some kind of code language you use for communication through crystals? There is, actually! The enchantment placed on him prevents him from talking about it, but through another game of hangman we figure out that the greeting is: “May his eyes be on you”, and the answer to this should be: “May his tyranny reign true.” When does Kauthrien usually expect a “call”? Kauthrien is the one who knocks. She usually calls her underlings instead of the other way around.

 With this, Lynnae finishes her interrogation and turns to the rest of the party, at which she starts proposing a plan for ambushing Kauthrien by contacting her. The rest of the party quickly shoots the plan down: it’s too risky. Lynnae then yells that if she has to die again, she’d rather do it for her friends – she then immediately gasps and covers her mouth. Hadall starts questioning her about her slip-up but she refuses to say anything else.

We start discussing out next move. Although we want to head to Fass and Suald as soon as possible, Rei still has business in Tyreh. Therefore we first decide to go to the Kaydan-ter island to visit the monastery they want to go to.

That, however, means having to go on the seas again, setting Lynnae back into an anxious rambling spree. When Hadall and Trick tell her that hey, at least she didn’t die last time, she goes awfully quiet. Considering what she accidentally revealed before, Hadall puts two and two together and asks her if she drowned, to which she nods.

We leave for the docks then realize, yo, we’ve still got Kaya with us. Bad idea to take the toddler out to sea, of course, so we decide to leave her in Rosa’s care and pick her back up on the way to her home in Fass. Blatrenn offers to sail us to and fro on his own fjullgan, an offer which we gladly accept. There’s a problem, though: the islands of Tyreh float around on the water along with the tides and currents, and it’s almost impossible to map the region because of that. We have no idea where to go. Since there might be places where they sell maps of the Tyreh currents or otherwise have information on how to pinpoint where Kaydan-ter might be right now, we decide to split the party and take a look around town.

Trick, Hadall, Lynnae and Auk go to the library. The friendly dragonborn librarian guides them to the geographical books section of the library and the group starts looking around. They find what seems to be a sailor’s book with information on the currents and tides of Tyreh, and with his knowledge of sailing Hadall starts trying to figure out where Kaydan-ter is right now. Lynnae copies the relevant information in her notebook.

Meanwhile, Laraëssil, Rei and Cassandra are in Melora’s Gifts, the general store of Tyressil. Lara gets her hands on a beautiful tidal chart made for sailors, while Rei buys a component pouch while they’re there anyway.

We converge on the docks once more, and using Lyn’s info and Lara’s map he manages to figure out Kaydan-ter’s general location. We set sail and start heading to the monastery’s island. In order to distract herself Lynnae starts working on a health potion. The first day of this journey goes without a problem but the second day we lose our way for a moment as a thick fog sets in and a ghostly ship comes into view. On the side of the ship, it says “The Rotten Dahlia”. It must be the phantom ship that the tavern in Tyressil was named after. Blatrenn mentions it happens more often, and as the fog lifts we correct our course and boat on.

On the third and last day of this journey, Trick takes Hadall to the side and out of earshot for a moment. She expresses her concern for Lynnae’s loyalty and how she might use the crystal anyway to contact Kauthrien. Despite the fact they don’t trust Lynnae at all with her crystal, they feel they have no choice but to leave her be.

We reach the tiny, tiny island of Kaydan-ter in the evening and we see a beautiful white building on there. It’s the monastery we have been looking for and immediately, an enormous goliath man approaches and greets us. Rei gives him a tiny package which holds a golden statue of Pelor, the deity Rei reveres. The goliath is happy with it, and invites us in to stay the night and eat. He introduces himself as Master Kindarian and he brings us to the main part of the building, beautifully decorated, and in the evening rays of the sun the floor lights up in an intricate pattern. We dine (it’s… not great food) and head over to the dorms to sleep.

However, in the middle of the night the two Trouble Tieflings decide they haven’t had booze in a while yet and they want to get drunk, so they get out of bed and start nosing around in the kitchen. Though someone takes notice of them, they’re quick enough to duck out of the way and remain unseen. There’s no booze in the kitchen, so they head over to what seems to be a storage room for ceremonial supplies. There. Is. No. Booze.

So they exit and are immediately caught in the act by a monk, a human man. He takes them back to their dorms, and though the two tieflings again try to escape and look for booze, the hallway is now being guarded and – persuaded by a very cranky and sleepdrunk Lynnae – go back to sleep.

We wake up and eat breakfast the next morning (again… not that tasty) and head out towards the docks to return to Tyressil immediately – no time to waste. The Master of the monastery bids us goodbye and tells Rei they’re always welcome amongst them (and of course, because we’re assholes, we all say “amonkst” us). On the way to the docks we get to see some of the monks’ daily activities: it seems like they’re a much more fun-loving monastery than Rei’s. There’s some kind of training area where monks are sparring with each other, and there’s actually some monks RUNNING ACROSS THE WAVES, RACING EACH OTHER LIKE D&D JESUSES. There’s a very light and cheerful atmosphere, standing in stark contrast to the monastery in Solitude where Rei is from – there was a much more serious and gloomy atmosphere there, almost cold, like everything in Kyllm.

We get back on the waves to go back to Tyressil. Lynnae finishes her healing potion on the way, but that’s about the most exciting thing that happens in the three-day-journey. We hit land again on the evening of the third day, planning to pick up Kaya and leave with the ferry right away. However, as we ask the dockmaster when the next ferry leaves, he tells us it left yesterday and the next one won’t leave for another week. Blatrenn offers to bring us to the port town of Terstys, where we started our adventure in Tyreh in Session 3.

Trick and Cas head to the Defiant Ship to pick up Kaya, and Cassandra gets herself three bottles of booze for the road. In the meantime, Lyn takes Auk to the side and asks them how they’re holding up: it’s not going great. Lyn also admits she doesn’t know if she can stay friendly with Blatrenn for much longer, at which Auk assures her that they have her back if she decides to attack him.

We decide that since Terstys is just a few hours away by boat, we can make the trip now and just arrive at dawn so we can head back into Fass first thing in the morning. We get back on the boat to make our way back to the port town. On the boat, Lynnae realizes that the crystal she sent to Kara must have arrived in Parshyr right about now, and she doesn’t like that her elder sister still hasn’t contacted her.

We reach the shores of Terstys in the early morning. When discussing where to bring Kaya, Trick says we don’t really have a name to go on but Hadall begs to differ: he recognized what Kaya was trying to tell him before. When saying her name, Kaya didn’t say “Kaya Covinus”, she said “Kaya Corvinius”. The Corvinius family is a big merchant family Hadall knows very well, and they have a huge manor near the town of Fjynlen, about 5 days walking from Terstys.

Trick asks how Hadall knows the family, to which he answers that he used to work as a mercenary for them, but he didn’t quite leave them on good terms. One day he just up and left, because it didn’t work out according to him. The rest assures him that it might be good if he brings back the kid, because it’ll help his reputation a fair bit.

The town of Runar is on the way to the Corvinius manor, and Lynnae wants to stop by to see how the watchtower is doing because Blatrenn crystal-bullshitted to his hunting party that after being ambushed, he fled to Hykaril’s old base. When asked where the hunting party is right now, Blatrenn mutters into his crystal to ask and find out and learns that his hunting party is in the very north of Suald, in the town of Parwyn. This startles Lyn to the bone but she refuses to tell why. As Lara makes a telepathic connection and asks if there’s anything life-threatening going on, Lyn replies that there very well might be.

Though tired, we make quite a bit of progress on our first day. We make camp, Lynnae starts on an ointment against sunburn and Rei goes squirrel hunting. Since Rei has double the walking speed of a squirrel and hella good Dexterity, they eventually manage to catch a live, wild squirrel, they stash it in their bag, and name it Bøbiël (this is a massive inside joke but okay we now have Bøbiël the squirrel).

On the second day of traveling something Lyn has feared for a while comes to pass: the crystal around her neck makes a crackling noise and a female voice speaks the words “May his eyes be on you”. Lyn distances herself from the group, then with Alter Self turns herself into the wood elf Aerith Araynore to change her voice. She answers Kauthrien’s call with “May his tyranny reign true”, and thus the contact is established.

Kauthrien is obviously not amused with “Aerith” having taken Warden Hykaril’s crystal. Aerith tells her that she was poking around the Runar watchtower a while back to look for rare herbs and stones – as she is a potionmaker – and she stumbled upon the dead bodies of Hykaril and his underlings in the ritual room. Intrigued by the stones, Aerith took them and next found some documents in the office that detailed how to use them. For a moment, things seem to be going in the Conglomerate’s way but the second Aerith says that this went down three weeks ago, Kauthrien’s demeanor seems to shift. She calls this fact interesting, thanks Aerith for the information and tells her: “The Many Eyed will be watching you”, and proceeds to break contact.

In an anxious rant Lynnae relays to the party what happened, but as we discuss what just took place and the possible consequences of this, Blatrenn steps back a little as he too receives a call. Since he answers in Draconic and no one speaks Draconic here, Lynnae casts Comprehend Languages to hear what he’s saying.

Kauthrien is definitely onto us. She interrogates Blatrenn, using the enchantment to force the truth out of him. Blatrenn is forced to reveal that he’s with us, and that we were the ones who killed Hykaril and his entire division. Kauthrien apparently orders him to kill us next: Blatrenn drops contact, asks us to knock him out, and draws his swords.

The battle is ended within 3 seconds: Cassandra gets the first strike, Blatrenn then attacks her back but Trick – with a fantastically executed Inflict Wounds – knocks him unconscious at once. We tie him up and take his crystal, at which Lyn realizes the gravity of what’s going on and stresses out. Cas and Hadall tell her to take off the crystal or hand it over, at which she gets defensive and says that she needs her crystal. Hadall reminds her that she should work with the team more, Lynnae snaps back that she is working with the team by keeping her crystal and protecting the others from Kauthrien’s contact. The rest seems to be worried that, since Kauthrien was able to control Blatrenn through the crystal, she might also be able to control Lynnae after establishing contact. Lyn’s adamant that she’s safe because it technically wasn’t her who answered the call. If Kauthrien would have been able to see her, she would have seen a wood elf.

Trick wakes Blatrenn up, he seems to no longer be under the direct command that he must kill the party. We offer to destroy his crystal but he tells us it’s even more suspicious if he suddenly falls off the radar altogether. Hadall proposes Blatrenn returns to Tyreh alone with the crystal, but that would also put him in extreme danger. As we go back and forth, proposing ideas to keep both Blatrenn and the party in relative safety from Kauthrien, Lynnae commits another attempt on Blatrenn’s life, using a subtle spelled Burning Hands to make it look like she had a wild magic surge (ironically, she actually does get an actual wild magic surge while casting the spell and her age reverts to 18). Despite the fact it looked like a surge, Hadall sees through the deception quite easily (Lyn just uttered the most sarcastic “whoops” of all time) and he berates Lyn for breaking the promise she made before. He then picks up Kaya and legs it away from Lynnae – he does intend to keep his promise of not hurting the sorceress.

It’s an awkward evening around the campfire. While Kaya has no idea what’s going on and is happily playing with Hadall, Lyn and Trick keep sharing distrustful glances. Rei even tries to steal Lyn’s crystal but she notices them and slaps their hand away.

Although there’s once again a tension lingering within the party, the rest of the journey goes well and after three more days, we reach the iron gates of the Corvinius manor, decorated with great black crows. Hadall now turns towards the party with a nervous look on his face: there’s something about the Corvinius family he needs to tell us. He reveals that he was at first working for them as a mercenary, but he then married the heiress of the family and left her rather suddenly a few years ago…

…meaning Kaya Corvinius might in fact be his daughter.

[rejectedembers]

Firebrant: The Golden Compass

So, here I go again nitpicking children’s books like a cynical, adult asshole. There were, surprisingly, a lot of little things that just kind of pissed me off and drew me out of the world of The Golden Compass, like, more than usual I feel, because I managed to fill up a whole page of notes on this one (including quotes and page references, because I’m a sophisticated asshole). And so, without further ado, allow me to ruin your childhood for my own salty pleasure.

I already touched upon a couple of my complaints in my more-or-less spoiler-free review, but I’ll reiterate them again here, because I can. Every line of dialogue is written with an accent, and it’s one of the worst things in the world to read. I especially hate how it breaks up the flow of the writing, because you’ll get paragraphs of narration that are written in regular English and then, out of nowhere, dialogue is written in with terrible accents. Maybe it’s just me, a person who is not accustomed to British accents, heavy or not, but it ends up reading in an almost start-and-stop manner since trying to decipher the intentionally misspelt words makes me slow down and use more brainpower than should be necessary in a children’s book. And, going back to the weird use of heavily detailed sections followed by sparse sections, the book is a bit chunky. It feels like we spend way more time in some sections of the book than is necessary. For example, the Jordan College section goes on for way, way too long considering how quickly in-universe it is abandoned. By contrast, so little detail is given about London that I kind of forgot Lyra ended up there while I was reading the novel despite the fact that Lyra herself spends a good few weeks in the city.

Alright, so onto the new stuff. One of my biggest questions while reading this book was: when the fuck does this story take place? I get that it’s supposed to be an alternate universe Earth type situation, but seriously, I don’t think a proper date is ever given. I read somewhere online that it’s supposed to take place in the late-Victorian Era (so anywhere between 1880 and 1900ish), but there are such huge technological advancements that I would contest this and perhaps place it closer to 1910, or even 1920, given OUR world’s technological discoveries. The universe of The Golden Compass has zeppelins (page 74) and neon signs (page 179), the former of which were invented in 1895 but not commercially used until 1910 and the latter of which were invented in 1910 but didn’t gain popularity until the 1920s in our world. And yet women seem to still be largely considered second-class citizens. That’s not to say I was expecting social equality, however, the world feels devoid of the suffragette movement, which was HUGE for its time. I dunno, it just really bothered me that I couldn’t pin down a time period, either one that can be associated to our world or simply one that makes sense in the world of The Golden Compass.

And this is where we get into the shit that’s going to really make me look bad. Ok, so, first of all, I want to address the elephant in the room. I haven’t seen too much about this, but I feel like the use of the term “gyptians” to refer to a particular cultural group within The Golden Compass is kinda racist. It’s pretty clear that Pullman’s gyptians are based off of our world’s Romani, or at least a stereotypical version of their culture. The term “gyptians” appears to come from the disparaging term for Romani individuals, “g*psy”, and while it was uncomfortable just to see the word pop up here and there, it made me more uncomfortable to see the gyptian characters be totally complicit in its use. The gyptians themselves refer to themselves as such in the book (gyptians isn’t even capitalized like it should be for real-world ethnic groups). While I am not Romani myself and so cannot speak as to the exact appropriateness of the use of this term, I do think it was rather insensitive for Pullman to have named this cultural group as he did. It kind of speaks to a lack of research of actual Romani accounts, as well, so there’s that.

Next we’re going to get controversial with this statement: I don’t understand, from the first book alone, how His Dark Materials is meant to be feminist in nature. I understand that there are complex female characters and that the main character of a sci-fi adventure is a girl, but there’s this one section that really, really bothered me. So, when Lyra is staying with the gyptians, at one point a group of women approach the patriarch, John Faa, about joining the mission. They provide both emotional (it is their children who are missing just as much as they are the men’s) and logical (it may prove easier to employ women in certain situations requiring espionage) reasons, and yet, last minute, John Faa does not permit any of them to go. This issue is never brought up again. There are no consequences to none of the women going. John Faa, who is by and large treated like a hero and stand-up gentleman, is never made to explain his reasons for his decision. And the women seem to simply accept his ruling since none of them speak out or try to sneak aboard the ship anyways. This could have been a perfect opportunity for Pullman to show equality by having men and women fight side-by-side. It certainly would have stood out in contrast to the rest of British society, which had already been clearly shown to push women into the background whenever possible. It was incredibly frustrating to see this idea brought up only to be pushed aside later, and really made me question Pullman’s feminist message.

Lastly, I just want to point out that Lord Asriel is abusive to Lyra. I don’t think this is really a secret, but, like how the gyptians and gyptian women were written, Pullman’s writing makes it seem like we should just accept it and move on. In our first introduction to him, we see him painfully twist Lyra’s arm and threaten to break it just because she’s somewhere she’s not meant to be (and while Lyra is a bit of a troublesome child, her actions don’t warrant this kind of reaction from an adult). On page 14, Lord Asriel straight up says, “If I hear the slightest noise, I’ll make you wish you were dead.” Yet, Lyra spends most of the first book idealizing him, wanting to find him and work with him in his research. And while Lyra does eventually confess that she’s afraid of him, and even realises that he has never and will never love her like a father (page 368), she shouldn’t have been spending all that time in between seeing no fault in him. Children know when they are being mistreated. At the very least, Lyra should have had doubts about Lord Asriel from the beginning. 

Before I wrap this up, I just want to say that the foreshadowing is just really, really obvious. I know, I get it, it’s a children’s book, it’s not supposed to be difficult to figure out, but I have a couple things to say about that. First of all, stop treating children like idiots. Second of all, I don’t care if it’s for children, no one should read a sentence that literally spells out “this character has a great destiny ahead of them”. OF COURSE THEY ARE IMPORTANT AND HAVE A DESTINY TO FULFILL, THEY’RE THE MAIN CHARACTER. Either let the audience clue in on their own damn time, or don’t bother making it a mystery at all.

...So, yeah. That’s all I have to say about the beloved children’s book, The Golden Compass. Thanks for coming out to the undeserved barbecue, everyone!

[shadowdianne]

59, 90, 16 for the 100 word prompt 😁

I love these kind of prompts xD Thank you for them :P I hope you like them

Drown (or a small retelling of the famous sceneback at 3x01)

The rain kept on falling around them, blindingthem and turning the wood of the ship slippery and traitorous as they rushedtowards Emma’s side. The smell of salt burnt Regina’s nostrils while shehalf-kneeled, trying to hide her concern as she stared at the woman who hadbeen close to dying with the chant of the sirens still echoing above them all.

She could feel the phantom pain of the electricshocks Greg and Tamara had caused on her biting her insides while she turned tostare at Snow who kept on looking at Emma, face almost green from suddennausea.

“We need to get her inside.” Her voice wasalmost lost on the wind but it ricocheted enough between them all for David tonod blindly, the storm dying down as they all watched the prince carry Emmatowards the ship’s inwards. Biting on her lips and feigning not to hear Hook’sscoff or Snow’s muttering apologies, the brunette followed suit, almost losingher footing as she too felt the nausea that had tinted Snow’s face until then.

“Let me.” Her voice sounded strange almost asshe placed her hand into the dark wood of the rickety passage that led towardsthe small cabins Hook had showed them. David glanced at her once the two ofthem walked inside of one, glaring before he, too, seemed unable to do anythingelse but swallow and nod as he left the blonde on top of old-looking sheets.

“Don’t you are to drown on me, Miss Swan.” Themutter lacked the heat Regina was used to use against the other woman and herfingers trembled as she pressed them against the clammy and wet skin, her nailsleaving behind half-moon imprints on the woman’s collarbone as she infused herbody with as much magic as possible.

It had been ages since she had truly done ahealing spell, more so one as complicated as this one but Regina didn’t dare tolook away Emma’s face as she did so; eyes narrowed and own nausea growingstronger the longer she feigned not to feel it or the pain that had been eatingher insides ever since she had been at that damned table.

“Don’t you…” She repeated, its magic tellingher every trace of water that kept on clogging Emma’s lungs. Forcing as muchmagic as she could onto the blonde’s body, she didn’t stop as Emma’s eyesopened, mouth quickly following suit as coughing began to break free from thewoman’s body.

“Emma!”

It was David who get to hug the blonde butRegina kept on staring at the younger woman, lips turned in a fine line as thewords of Daniel loomed over her before she lost herself to darkness.

Orange (Just me and my angsty ass…)

She saw the orange glow before she felt themagical wave washing over her, the cracking on the air still strong enough onher memory to feel it tingling as she raced towards the corner of the street,the boots she was still coming to terms as hers splashing against the coldpuddles that covered a third of the road. It could be something else than amagic portal, she reasoned as she reached the brick wall, slightly out ofbreath and a thousand other questions racing through her mind. It could be manyother things that weren’t magical at all; just her mind playing tricks withher, the sudden finding of her memories just the last straw.

However, she still decided to turn the corner.The orange glow was disappearing just as she squared her shoulders and took astep forward, eyes widening at the sight of a silhouette she had come termswith to never see again. To never return back to it.

She hadn’t changed from the memories that hadcome back the moment she had remembered who she truly was; the same green eyesshe could still picture sometimes, whenever her sleeping brain decided totorture her. The same shy smile she had given to her the very first night theyhad met each other. One that transformed from joyous to confused as the magicsettled in and she took into the new her Regina was still coming to terms with.

Taking a step towards her the former queenswallowed, eyes falling to the blonde’s fingers in where no ring shone nor gaveaway any clue of what Emma was staring back at her, mouth agape.

“Emma?” She hated her voice, the way it trembled as she spoke her name but themagic present in the air was still glimmering orange and the way it crackledwas enough for her to remember a time in where they had fought together, a timeshe had thought to never be able to live again.

“Re… Regina?”

And Regina knew they were going to need to talka lot; about them, about Henry, about what Emma was doing there, in front ofher, but the moment the blonde took a step towards her, enveloping her in afierce, tight hug, the brunette decided to ask and question later.

Much much later.

Violin (A try at romcom; I suck at this xd)

It didn’t need to be perfect. Zelena had toldher that but Regina didn’t think her sister truly knew what she was talkingabout. She only needed to be herself.

The redhead’s words had been followed bysomething that had seemed to be something dangerously close to “You’ve turned me into a sap.” But Reginahad also decided to feign that part of the conversation hadn’t happened and soif she needed a violinist while asking Emma Swan to be her wife then she neededthe violinist and for everything to be absolutely perfect.

Which, now that she was looking at herselfthrough the mirror of the restaurant she had managed to book with the(in)famous ring pressing her hand, it didn’t seem as important as it had onceseemed back when she had been calling to every contact she knew that could tellher who would be open to play the violin through what she wanted to do.

So, there she was, she thought while standing inthe impossibly clean bathroom; trying not to die out of nervousness while aviolinist serenaded a probably quite confused Emma. It needn’t to be perfectbut, somehow, she had transformed it all into a full fuck-up.

Her thoughts were quickly interrupted by, whoelse, Emma who opened the door behind her with a slight flush and that smirkthat she got whenever she realized what Regina’s troubled mind was going to.Picking the ring from Regina’s stiff fingers the younger woman put it on while spinningRegina on her heels, kissing her softly before saying without a hint of the blabbering,nervous woman she also tended to be;

“Can I just say yes so we get home and I cantell you properly how much I love you?”

And well, perhaps Zelena had been right.

(Comfort) Zone

As Emma sawthe quietly floating particles that had been the queen until just a few secondsshe quickly glanced at Snow and the way the woman had her own eyes fixated onRegina’s trembling form. Her mother’s eyes were filled with tears and, as shelooked at her, small sobs started to break down the woman’s frame in a way thatmade Emma nibble her lips, feeling tears as well burning just behind her eyes,seizing her throat as she took a blind step closer towards the -now more thanever- former queen.

She didn’tknow what to do, that much she was sure of. Magic kept permeating the airaround the three of them, the glow from the Queen’s heart still printed on theback of her eyelids as she closed them, trying her best not to do something shewasn’t supposed to do. Regina’s shoulders were shaking by the point she cameclose enough to reach for her, her fingers dipping into the loose fabric of herclothing, the world suddenly coming back into focus as Regina turned, eyesimpossibly dark as tears fell down from them.

Neither ofthem had talked about that other moment Emma had seen her cry like this; backat Camelot with Daniel’s death still repeating itself on the dreamcatcher;colors beginning to fade. This, however, felt even more raw than then; withSnow and her own tears as witness of the moment Emma nodded quietly, fingersfeeling brittle as she clenched them around Regina’s quickly moving form.

They hadnever hugged, now like this and yet, despite the sudden awkwardness, it feltlike something they should have done before, way before. The reds and blacks ofthe city, the skyline twinkling with the lights of the furthest buildings, kepton blinding Emma but she remained with her eyes open as Regina sunk into her,now crying quietly and open in a way the blonde didn’t know where it came from.She, thought while letting her head fall on the other woman’s shoulder, hadnever seen her lip this.

Which, camethe realization, was the whole point. She had never seen the Regina that was infront of her before. Not like this. The thought came with the pain that camewith something she had learnt to consider selfishness, the sudden realizationof loss and the feeling of not really wanting to say goodbye to that other partRegina had come to think as bad. Thatpart, the Queen, was truly gone and so the woman she now had between her armswas… Regina.

A Regina thatwas stepping out the hug, eyes rimmed red and lips parted in a way that madeEmma swallow thickly as she tried to remember the many reasons why she kept onnot hugging the brunette, not coming close, as she was currently doing. ARegina that smiled at her in a soft, almost eerie way and yet a Regina thatalmost felt like the old one. Almost.

But notquite.

“Are youokay?”

The wordsthat didn’t came out were, however, the ones that kept on echoing through herfor the next couple of weeks; “I miss you.”

[anselm0]

Novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture

I knew this was going to be Something, and it sure is.

I’m not the first to remark on it, but that sure is a gay pride flag on the cover of this book/movie. A quick google reveals that the pride flag debuted in 1978, while TMP was released 1979, which by no means proves intent, but those are facts of general interest I’m going to share here.

Two things: 

LOVE INSTRUCTOR???? Her FIRST, no less??? what

Why am I being subjected to Roddenberry’s writing exercise of reviewing his own tv show while in character of one of the characters on said show

One actual thing that we learn from Kirk’s preface is that there are apparently two varieties of humans, the original flavor and then the super cool Crystal Pepsi humans who are wicked smart and pretty insufferable about it. Also not in Crystal Pepsi humans’ favor is that they SUCK at space travel because they can’t “help but be seduced eventually by the higher philosophies, aspirations, and consciousness levels” they encounter in aliens and doing a bunch of disappearances, defections, and mutinies as a result. So the moral of the story is we need humans too stupid or stubborn to want to be better to drive the space planes, I guess. 

I also find this amusing. The editor’s note on this line from “Kirk” is that he’s being modest, because he did a great five year deep space mission. ~~Kirk begs to differ, though: 

I also liked TOS, imaginary editor, but 94 deaths in five years of peaceful exploration is not an amazing statistic. Anyway, Kirk’s annoyed at how he and his five year mission got portrayed by the guy they sent to record it, what does that asshole have to say for himself?

what. is. happening. 

Look. I am all for world-building. But this is ridiculous. What kind of false modesty self-dragging self-insert Bolshevism

We are, by the way, only 11 pages in, and the story hasn’t even started officially. This will be the longest long post.

Chapter One opens with Kirk getting a semi-telepathic message from Starfleet that is the opening scene of TMP in which the space cloud zaps some Klingon ships.

Yeah, I can see where the public concern over this policy would come from, imaginary editor. It is bananas, and I hope consigned to a quiet ‘canon? never heard of her’ retcon. Imagine if this were still the case when the Borg came. Who could have guessed that having technological access to the brains of all the top brass in the Federation’s first and only major defense force might be, like, a bad idea!!!!!

It’s also a POINTLESS idea, because after getting the message, Kirk goes to a signal station to call Starfleet because he can’t reply (a design flaw) and also he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with this information because he didn’t get any instructions (why send classified info to people who don’t need to act on it???), and they just show the same scene to him again when he’s there. 

Before that happens, however, Kirk gets put on hold long enough to think thoughts and feel feelings he “had not permitted himself to admit” to himself. Like all former greats, he hates his desk job. He took it for reasons, despite this amazingly persuasive case against doing so:

We get it, you’re a Real Man. 

Literally the entire medical profession apparently agreed with McCoy that a desk job would be bad for Kirk, but Starfleet wanted him to be their posterchild of awesomeness for all those frickin’ Crystal Pepsi humans wondering if Starfleet is even necessary (why they would care about low intellectual ability Kirk is a mystery left unaddressed), so they made sure Kirk was persuaded to accept against medical advice. 

The way they did this was a combination of his sense of duty and a sexy lady. Of course. Sexy lady (Vice Admiral Lori Ciani, spelled Ciana in all subsequent mentions) is in fact the one Kirk gets connected to once Starfleet takes him off hold. Lori always gets his blood pumping, what with her “unusually large eyes and the slim, youthful angularity in her arms and legs” that “always reminded [Kirk] of a fawn’s wild grace and innocence”, even though he knows she’s actually a freak in the sheets. Oh, and she’s also smart and a great officer or whatever, her lips caress his name whenever she says it, he can almost smell “her body fragrance” and Kirk’s getting hard.

I wish I was exaggerating.

There are a number of concerning things here that I think McCoy should turn his attention to instead of whether Kirk can survive at a desk job. Are relationships one year contracts in the future? That seems like a bad idea.

Kirk has a paranoid fantasy that Admiral Nogura manipulated Lori Ciana into contracting sex/mothering/friendship with him and is pretty sure that Nogura told her to talk to him now to make sure he does what Starfleet wants again. 

I’m tired already.

It is not clear to me if she acts like he expects her to if his paranoid fantasy was real. In any case, the conspiracy theory and THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER was all for nothing because Kirk just goes to Nogura’s office and convinces him to give him command of the Enterprise.

On a more pleasant note, there was a chapter in the middle of all Kirk’s nonsense of Spock’s POV. He’s at Gol trying to achieve Kolinahr and he gets distracted by what seems to be the space cloud momentarily linking his and Kirk’s minds. Spock is shook and “knew in this instant that the human half of him was far from extinguished. That half had simply been capable of human guile and had learned to hide itself even from his own notice. He had foolishly and carelessly underestimated it and believed it to be gone. But like the enemy it had always been, his human half had merely lain in wait in order to assault him while he was defenseless.” 

MY POOR BB

Anyway, Kirk’s on his way to the Enterprise and once again thinking thoughts.

I’m going to guess that Kirk is not a great boyfriend.

There are several things going on here, none of them good or pleasing. 

There are some really uncomfortable descriptors for Sulu and Uhura, which are unnecessary in addition to being offensive because we all know what they look like. We know Sulu is Asian, so you don’t have to call him “the Asian romantic,” or really modify any descriptor of him to remind us that he’s Asian. Uhura initially has “classically lovely features,” which is okay, I guess, but then she has a “fine-boned Bantu face.” Um. 

There are some weird descriptors of Will Decker, too, who Kirk is coming to demote and summarily replace, but the worst one is this one, Scotty’s perspective on Kirk pulling Decker aside to tell him he’s being demoted:

My face is a rictus of horror. 

The description of the transporter accident is quite gruesome and Good. We all know the fate of the unfortunate Commander Sonak, but Roddenberry now reveals that the second person was sexy lady trap Lori Ciana!! Kirk inexplicably took over the transporter controls to try to save them her, but isn’t familiar with their new configuration, and is guilt-stricken by the uncertainty that their deaths might have been prevented by someone like Decker, who really knows the new Enterprise. Also, nobody knows why she was there.

FUCK YOU

I’ve been very negative so far. The novelization actually does a lot better than the movie does in conveying Kirk’s disorientation with the new ship and how much he’s second-guessing his fitness for command, despite his insistence before that he was the only one who could do this. On the other hand, he doesn’t realize that he should PUT DECKER BACK IN COMMAND. 

Oh, he makes Decker the science officer in addition to the executive officer because he won’t accept a different science officer in replacement of Sonak who isn’t Vulcan. Apparently there’s no replacement for a Vulcan science officer.     .   .   .        He immediately begins worrying that he’s overloading Decker with responsibilities. JUST MAKE BETTER CHOICES INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT BAD ONES.

Hey, you know that dumb scene in TMP where all the crew gets together in an empty room to once again watch the Klingon ships get destroyed and since it’s a rehash, everybody spends it wondering why Starfleet has like eighteen different uniform designs in unflattering cuts and colors? Roddenberry knows we all think it’s dumb and has some strong words in response:

lol

Apparently that room is the “rec deck,” which is the largest interior space in a starship ever designed. Some people think it’s wasteful but real space veterans know that the rec deck is where “the most vital of the ship’s mechanisms [are] kept in peak operating efficiency through music, song, games, debate, exercise, competition, friendship, romance, [and] sex.” There were definitely regular public orgies on the five year mission, weren’t there. 

Thirty-one people bail after seeing the Klingon ships bite it, which seems like a thing that they shouldn’t be able to do?? Also, what was the point of all that secrecy with the secret implant for telepathic transmission of classified information if Kirk’s just going to show it to several hundred people who are free to leave if they want to?????

I know TMP gets shit for being The Motionless Picture, but you really have to read the novelization to grasp the complete lack of plot points. It’s EIGHTY pages before Lieutenant Ilia arrives. The book is 250 pages long. 

Uhura has some kind of Tone when she tells the bridge that Ilia is Deltan and Kirk rebukes her, “And there are no finer navigators in Starfleet, Commander.” 

This is a weird species whose major defining features are overwhelming sexual pheromones and a GREAT sense of direction.

Kirk immediately regrets chastising Uhura since she’s “the last one who needed instruction in diversity from him.” IS THE FUTURE RACIST OR NOT, GENE

Sulu seems not to know what a Deltan is, even though all the other TOS officers do, so I don’t know how that happened. I got my hopes up for ONE SECOND when he didn’t seem to care but he is affected by her allure after all. Stand down, gays. 

Kirk clocks the obvious clues that Ilia and Decker were involved before, and starts finding ways to make it his business. 

Sure, Jan.

Anyway, the ship leaves the orbital dock in a looooong and boring chapter, then spends another chapter flying past Jupiter at IMPULSE. Thank Jupiter and Zeus we did not have to sit through the slow ride from hell through the solar system. 

Some random things we learn in the meantime (a lot of meantime!!):

McCoy is a hippie who dislikes surgery and medicine, preferring to just berate people into healing themselves or whatever. I now see why starships would need ship’s counselors but there would be absolutely no Xanax or beta-blockers for the Reg Barclays of the future.

There are body scanners incorporated into all the new uniforms, which constantly transmit biodata to the medical bay. This was always a part of the costume design (it’s in those super ugly belt buckles!) but never mentioned or actually used to my recollection in TMP. It’s also not a thing in future Trek series, presumably because it would be boring to not have medical emergencies.

Chapel went on the five-year mission with a PhD and now has her MD! GIVE HER SOMETHING TO DO

McCoy resigned from Starfleet because Admiral Nogura would not heed his medical opinion that Kirk is a Manly Man who needs to be doing Manly Things out in space instead of working a desk job. 

Immediately after this reveal, Roddenberry reinforces how scientific it is by having Chapel say, “deprivation of [starship command] produced physical and emotional symptoms remarkably like those associated with narcotic withdrawal.” Okay!!

We only refer to Ilia as “the Deltan navigator” now.

“The so-called mutant-farm civilizations of pre-history had known [humans aren’t alone in the universe] of course, but their information had been a gift and not the result of human labor and growth.” W H A T 

What do these words mean

FEELS racist??? idk idk

also this:

What a piece of information to just casually drop with no followup whatsoever!

Roddenberry is basically masturbating himself and Kirk about how great it is that he’s back. Having Kirk command the Enterprise again is

“like Lazarus stepping out into the sunlight” plz

so spiritually moving that Decker is suddenly feeling fine about being inexplicably demoted (couldn’t Kirk have just been an admiral still? and Decker a captain?) and removed from command

By the way, Kirk apparently didn’t officially take command until moments before they left orbital dock, which feels wrong to me?? There were eleven hours where he was giving all the orders but had no official jurisdiction or responsibility for the consequences. Starfleet needs better command protocol.

making Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov ecstatically happy, a fact that Kirk somehow knows from looking at their faces despite not seeing any of them in years and having done nothing but demand the ship be launched before being properly tested or configured for warp and against the advice of his first officer and chief engineer omg you idiot

Kirk then orders them to go to warp agains the advice of his first officer and chief engineer, accidentally creating a wormhole the ship falls into along with an asteroid that nearly destroys them because Kirk doesn’t know how the phasers work on his new ship. Kirk then gets shirty with Decker when Decker factually states that Kirk doesn’t know what he’s doing and Decker does, and knowing things was useful in that it saved the ship being blown up by a series of stupid choices. GREAT FIRST DAY

Again, I do think the book is doing a good job of conveying Kirk’s motivation of scrambling to relive his glory days and his willful blindness to the consequences, but I don’t know how we’re going to get to a point where we’re actually happy this guy gets to be in command of a starship for another five movies. McCoy does call him out on his nonsense, but I don’t see him learning or growing at all yet and can’t foresee it from what I know of what plot is coming next.

Speaking of plot developments

SPOCK!!!

First of all, “severe black robe” is underselling one of the best looks ever served to my undeserving eyes. Second, no sooner has Spock stepped back on the bridge than everyone starts dropping serious hints about his relationship with Kirk. I mean

subtle!!

Spock is not a happy bunny, though. Everyone is happy to see him again - it’s been so long and Scotty’s so excited he apparently forgets that you don’t touch Vulcans? - but Spock’s ignoring them. As soon as he can, he finds a place to meditate.

Roddenberry wants to make absolutely sure we know that the Enterprise is a nonstop fuckfest. Consider me informed!

Spock needs to meditate because he was way too excited to see Kirk again. He’s pretty whatever about everyone else (”humanly human” McCoy and Chapel “with her bizarre and impossible fantasies of one day pleasuring him” ick) but his t’hy’la is a different story.  I MEAN!!!!

He has to go to a meeting with Kirk and McCoy (who’s now monitoring Kirk’s behavior re: his unfitness for command) and we get this little gem about the officer’s lounge:

I know it’s supposed to be a utopia but come on. 

WINK

They’ve established there’s some kind of intelligence in the space cloud that Spock can telepathically link with when the first probe arrives and injures Chekov. Chapel comes to treat him but she can’t do anything for him. Ilia does...something vaguely telepathic that usually happens during Deltan sex to make him feel pleasure instead of pain and you know what, I’m going to choose to not read into this. It does seem weird that Starfleet has extremely strict regulations about allowing Deltans to serve due to their pheromones but telepathy is A-okay. 

We learn during the probe’s visit that the only console hooked into the ship’s main computer and Starfleet databases is the science station’s, which seems pretty unbelievable. There isn’t even an uplink for centralized record keeping about course changes and phaser discharges? 

Ilia disappears and Kirk is surprised how much he cares. They did meet just today but SHE IS YOUR CRACK NAVIGATOR why wouldn’t you be upset! Her replacement comes up as they’re getting pulled into the space cloud and she’s also good; Kirk thinks, “There might be something about her worth remembering.” I’m concerned that Roddenberry doesn’t seem to realize how unlikeable he’s making Kirk. 

See the entire sequence where the Ilia probe arrives:

Gross.

Kirk does spend a lot of time thinking that Deltan pheromones don’t affect Vulcans and that Spock is annoyingly unmoved, but that’s just guys being dudes. 

Probe Ilia remembers Decker, so Kirk tells him to use that to try to establish productive communication with Vger. I know it’s spelled Vejur but that’s dumb. It’s Vger. V’ger if you’re nasty. Anyway, Kirk was making this traumatic assignment about him and his awesome sexual prowess. 

But he’s not done!! How could this sequence possibly end WITHOUT Kirk creeping on his first officer trying to fuck an alien probe!!!!

It’s completely normal! Look, Decker even expects it!

Decker is Manfully frustrated that his Manliness isn’t working on the probe. Kirk and McCoy are armchair quarterbacking this like the fans of weird sexual encounters they are. Chapel comes in to make a good suggestion and McCoy condescends to her, of course. There’s some worldbuilding around Deltan sexuality which seems to be just that there are psychic connections involved that make regular, non-psychic sex boring for humans afterward. Okay? I thought it was going to be something much weirder. Again, I don’t know why THIS makes Deltans have to take celibacy oaths to be in Starfleet but non-sexual telepathic actions are totally fine. 

This is all going on while the Enterprise is in the cloud, so they take a break from creeping on Decker and the Ilia probe to go to the bridge and have Kirk condescend to Uhura about how to do her job. Look, I don’t want to get into a whole thing about Kirk’s virtues as a commander but he is not better at Uhura’s job than she is. PLEASE give her something to do other than be impressed with Kirk.

Around page 209 (out of 250) we finally get a chapter from V’ger’s POV and it is legitimately Good. If Gene Roddenberry was capable of writing science fiction without obsessing over future sexuality, this book would be so much better. 

There are fewer than 40 pages left by the time we get to the iconic sickbay scene. 

This book is so weirdly paced. If you’re going to write about future sex, please let it be between the characters we actually care about!! For example!!!!!! But no, we get Decker and Ilia-probe, which may actually be Ilia’s psyche in a mechanical casing? Unclear, but Decker is pretty convinced.

Gross.

The rest of it is basically exactly the same as the movie: they get to V’ger and figure out it’s Voyager and respond with the correct code, but V’ger refuses to acknowledge it. Decker and Ilia somehow become noncorporeal entities joined with V’ger. It’s not clear how this is possible, but whatever. Kirk is, like, mildly regretful about the absolute shitshow this mission turned into and the fact that he lost two good officers to a space cloud, but he’s not torn up about it. He got his ship back! And he has no fear that it will be taken away again because he caused half the shitshow! In true Star Trek fashion, there is literally ZERO discussion of where V’ger, who is a perambulating cloud as wide across as a small solar system, is going to go now instead of Earth bc that’s a somebody else problem.

The end.

[palteringcecutiency]

==> Psii: Yesterday, update your dancestor.

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GD: ii hone2tly dont giive a fuck riight now how you talk GD: ii'm not even typing, welcome two my 2tream of consciiou2ne22 PC: thank fucking god PC: you lucky bastard i wish i couldr ight now PC: anyway PC: found some shit out PC: its a mess PC: shocking no one GD: oh ii ju2t love more me22e2 two clean up GD: my ab2olutely favoriite pre2ent GD: happy new cycle two me GD: [confettiiii] PC: how about this for a present PC: you dont have to clean it up PC: i havent eevn mentioned you yet PC: and im sure as fuck not expecting you to PC: the shti that got all this stirred up should be doing allthe work PC: at least if he as any fucking sense PC: please god GD: oh thank ble22ed fuck2 GD: what ii2 iit ii'm not cleaniing up PC: okay first you gotta promise me youre not gonna get murderous PC: super fucking pissed off? im righ tthere with oyu PC: ready to strangle people? i have a jacket ready PC: but its really fucking hard to make him fix it if hes dead and god knows if hes gonna learn thats how he will PC: so im asking you as a personal favor to let me vouch for him in this case GD: for fuck2 2ake GD: ii piinky 2wear ii wont fly off the handle and go murder 2omeone 2peciifiically becau2e of the iinformatiion you're about two unveal PC: okay good PC: thank you PC: i said id help im get a chance to fix shit so this means a lot PC: makaras 'war' with the fae is an escalating shitstorm thats starting to sweep in other people on purpose and darkleer was the latest victim PC: hell be okay but hes pretty shaken up PC: ive got him tho so hes already solved PC: but he was delivered specifically with a message that was political talk for 'were gotnna start invovilng people that associate you since you captured and tried to kill me the prince dude' PC: sunfall was his name PC: 'and were giving this one back 'cause were so nice' PC: also fucking bullshit for the record PC: both sides of this thing are reprehensible PC: did i spell that right PC: i dont think i care GD: honly fuckiing 2hiitball2 GD: we told them that we weren't goiing two get iinvolved iin that dii2pute GD: we were extremely fuckiing expliiciit about how we were not takiing 2iide2 or iinvolviing our2elve2 iin that bull2hiit GD: and they're fuckiing GD: draggiing u2 iin anyhow?? GD: ii'm glad darkleer ii2 okay but we made our po2iitiion extremely clear about how we felt about kiidnappiing2 the la2t tiime they took 2omeone PC: yes well im thinking they dont do well with listening PC: apparently ampora sent one of them back into the woods with an offering to mediate and part of the message back was a facny 'go fuck yourself' addressed to him PC: oh and did i mention that zahhak got returned by marching him through the city to the castle gates PC: cause that was a thing PC: which is why the door was busted PC: zahhak was understandably furious GD: u g h GD: my head hurt2 far two much for thii2 complete ranciid fe2teriing bull2hiit GD: do you know what DL'2 favoriite alcohol ii2 by chance? PC: anything brandy or old though hell take shit to make into booze too PC: specially honey PC: but i have good news PC: not only do you not need to get involved PC: makara told me that hes afraid to stop this war for fear of retaliation PC: so i suggested he go to sky since hes the one talking to them PC: to work with him and get help PC: cooperate with diplomacy ideas in an effort to solve this once and for all PC: and he agreed PC: now i dunno if hes actually gonna do it PC: and if he doesnt im revoking my help and vouch PC: but i think he will PC: and maybe we can stop this ridiculous body count from getting higher PC: and by we i mean me too PC: im heloing GD: ii am riidiiculou2ly grateful that 2omeone el2e ii2 on top of thii2 GD: oh ii've got honey ii've got a lot of that, ii'll 2end hiim 2ome a2 2oon a2 tryiing two pry my look bulb2 open do2nt re2ult iin iin2tant piierciing paiin GD: what do you mean by riidiiculou2 body count PC: hell appreciate it and cheer up probably PC: as will like PC: leaving him alone for a while PC: he needs some space and a lack of people so he can process PC: but i got him hell be okay PC: ... PC: okay so remember that part where you promised not to kill makara PC: that is relevant GD: we don't really talk anyhow, he hate2 me becau2e ii'm iin charge and not a hiighblood GD: and al2o becau2e ii'm rude GD: ii'm a very rude per2on GD: anyhow the honey'll be iin hii2 hiiveblock wiithiin an hour GD: .... GD: ye2 ii do 2eem two remember piinky 2weariing not two kiill the large clown becau2e of thiing2 you 2aiid GD: ii wa2 wonderiing when ii wa2 goiing two fiind the part that made me want two PC: he seems to be tolerating me and my mouth so far PC: but yeah it was more of a dont come asking him questions about his incident or anything until he starts volinteering it himself PC: he needs to set boundries again and have them be respected PC: yes PC: well PC: here it is PC: makaras half of the escalation has involved hunting down fae to kill for at least religious reasons PC: i have no idea of the specifics because i was two seconds from knocking his skull from his neck i didn't want to tempt my restraint listening to him justify it more than he already was PC: but the phrase ritual sacrafice was used PC: and thinking about this is not helping my gut settle PC: i fucking hate bodies GD: ii cannot GD: fuckiing even begiin two GD: b eli eve thii2 BULL2hiit GD: holy fuckiing chrii2te on a riitz biitz GD: why doe2 he thiink that2 okay GD: murder ii2 not okay GD: bodiie2 are the wor2t ii triied two 2park and ii'm iin hell GD: ii'm dumpiing my2elf iin a cold dark 2hower and turniing off the lamp iin my bad eye and puttiing on an eye patch GD: ii am not capable of currently 2u2taiiniing the amount of outrage and ragerage thii2 de2erve2 GD: ii2 thii2 why he wanted two be 2eperate from the ciity? GD: 2o he could kiill people for hii2 god2? PC: at least there is that keeping you from being impulsive PC: god knows i couldve used it yesterday PC: and i do not fucking know i tried to hammer in that perhaps this was fucked up but he wouldnt have it an di did not care enough to make him PC: ...i do kmnow that that is not why he is out there PC: partially because he is an idiot but partially because he did not think any of you would have him PC: not that im defending anything he did but i do not htink he planned this from teh beginning PC: i could be completely wrong of course but that is where i place my bet GD: well we 2ure a2 2hiit wouldnt have been lettiing hiim 2acrafiice people whiile liiviing iin the ciity GD: he2 huge! and 2cary! and he 2how2 up covered iin blood all the tiime GD: maybe iif he 2topped doiing all tho2e thiing2! That would be niice! PC: and that would be a matter for his topleaf to handle PC: or one of his other quadrants PC: and i am right fucking there with getting them to fucking do that PC: i doubt i will put up with any more of his whining about how everyone is afraid of him and treat him like a monster or however he phrases it PC: murder does that im afraid and maybe he should fucking stop PC: what a concept PC: ugh PC: please pretend that has emphasis i cannot find the right puntuation to do so PC: being caught between having no fucks and needing to express this much disgust is a terrible hell GD: iit2 goiing two become my problem iif thii2 e2culate2 two badly becau2e ii'm 2uppo2edly the captaiin of thii2 leaky tugboat GD: ha2 he only been kiilliing faeriie2 do you know? PC: id hardly call it a tugboat PC: perhaps a cargo carrier PC: but it is far better than those tiny little pretend ships PC: as far as i know it has only been fae PC: he was insistant it was because he was at war with them and as far as i know he has not declared war on anyone else yet GD: tugboat2 are cute dont dii22 the tug2 GD: ..well there2 a 2aviing grace iin thii2 after all GD: 2o what happen2 when he deciide2 he doe2nt liike what we're doiing and declare2 war on u2 two PC: they're hauty little things that think theyre important and imposing when they can fit inside one of my cannons PC: the battleships cannons PC: sorry PC: see i made that exact point and he got all indignant PC: he insists he neither wants the throne nor another alternia but thats all i can fucking see with this PC: and like fuck he listens to me he has no reason to GD: 2mall thiing2 are adorable GD: and II liike 2hiip2 wiith atmo captabiiliitiie2 GD: even though II get iintwo trouble ziippiing my liittle 2cout when II go out on mii22iion2 GD:.. 2orry thii2 ii2 probably a bad topiic ii2nt iit ugh GD: II 2tiill dont know why anyone2 lii2teniing two me let alone why he2 acknowledgiing my soveirgnty GD: II wa2nt worriied bout iit two much before but now.. PC: ...not for me it isnt PC: hard to forget im free when my skulls trying to explode PC: i am more worried about you PC: of that i have no fucking clue PC: its not as if we sat down and had a chat about his hopes and desires for his church hermitage PC: there was quite a bit more yelling than that and a narrower focus GD: yeah? II'm glad GD: my 2cout doe2nt have a helmiing 2y2tem iin2talled at all and that2 more or le22 why II get yelled at for enhaciing her GD: you diie once from braiin hemorragiing and 2uddenly you cant be tru2ted two know your liimiit2 GD: MMnh GD: .. okay two be perfectly faiir about the fae GD: II have iin all 2eriiou2ne22 contemplated kiilliing them more than a few tiime2 GD: and Twoblade ii2 barely held back from iit GD: they havent endeared them2elve2 two anyone GD: but fuckiing GD: ritual 2acrafiice though PC: reckless little thing you are PC: though if you could possibley keep from bleeding out from the ears PC: its so messy an d hard to clean up after PC: i doubt anyone wishes to deal with that PC: what appeals to you so much about atmo capabilties PC: ...i find my sympathy for them strained after hearing what happened to zahhak and what they have done to makaras moirail PC: but at you point out PC: fucking ritual sacrafice PC: i dont have striong enough worse to saay how repulsed i am by the idea PC: and that someone i fucking ;know; is doing it PC: and has been doing it for long enough that he will not admit it PC: god fucking ;damn; it PC: it wasnt that long ago when he convinced me that alternai waas behind him! PC: that he had changed! that nothing would repeat itself PC: ;ha; GD: dont worry II'm not doiing anything ob2cenely 2tupiid ju2t kiinda 2tupiid GD: iit doe2nt help two be the fa2te2t thiing iin a uniiver2e iif you never get two u2e iit two you advantage, yeah? GD:II know II'm lo2iing a lot of maniverabiiliity and wa2tiing energy but II've been workiing on 2ome 2chematiic2.. GD: anyhow ju2t GD: yeah. GD: oh geeze II'm 2orry p2ii GD: II dont thiink anyone knew he wa2 doiing that he2 been liike GD: playiing at beiing harmle22 for a 2weep and a half and iit2 kiinda GD: II'm anxiiou2 now PC: oh thank goodnes for a moment i was worried PC: id be curious to take a peek if you are up for sharing though PC: i admit i am far more furious than worried PC: i dont take kindly to being played PC: especially over shit like this PC: and double especially with the way he fucking did it PC: its shit like this that makes no one want him anywhere near them PC: and think him a fucking monster GD: II would love two, iif you're iintere2ted --geminiDoomed [GD] has sent file myshipnow.zip -- GD: ..diid he liie two you? -- palteringCecutiency [PC] accepted file! -- PC: i will look at that when i can process without pining for death PC: ...not directly PC: he is different than he was when he was alternian PC: i hesitate to use the word better but PC: less terrible PC: but glossing over the part where he has been luring in and carving up living people for his gods for a sweep in a half is a fucking huge omition!! PC: how do you tell a person that you have become a different person when you're still fucking dping that kind of shit!!!! PC: fucking hell PC: how the hell can he be alright with doing this GD: dont a2k me II dont GD: II can barely handle kiilliing people at all GD: II alway2 end up 2iick a2 fuck afterward2 and 2hakey GD: even wiith my atrociiou2 temper GD: II've never been very reliigiiou2 GD: 2o II dont know or under2tand what he miight have been doiing GD: but II know that Grand- one of my be2t friiend2 and hii2 alternate2 liike GD: wiill do a lot of 2hiit pretty bliindly ju2t for faiith, and iit2 taken a lot two get hiim two even begiin two examiine 2ome of the thiing2 he never que2tiioned before PC: ...as do i PC: or dont in this case PC: it is a miserable experience even when necessary PC: ugh PC: ...god please let it not be that PC: please let it be he was a panvoid or it is Her fault or something else PC: i PC: just do not want to think of that PC: its hard enough to reconsile the alternian with the beforian without needing to shower for the next sweep GD: II'm tryiing two fiigure out exactly what II 2aiid and exactly what that reactiion two iit ii2 PC: ...him following his faith mindlessly down the road to slaughter PC: i would rather he chose to be awful than to just PC: not give it a single thought PC: to be able to do such a thing without even a glimmer of hesitation GD: oh, yeah GD: but II thiink the empiire wa2 ba2iically buiild on people doiing horriible thiing2 every niight that they never even thought about GD: or thought of a2 weiird or wrong GD: ..he 2hould have 2ome context out2iide of that now though 2houldnt he? PC: part of it was PC: most of it was fear and the abuse of power PC: what use is it if the slave realizes their lives are awful if they fear death more PC: what use is trying to tell a slaver their beast of burden are people if they have never cared who they hurt PC: and you would think he would but who knows how much got through PC: and having ampora as his topleaf certainly isnt reassuring GD: II know there2 nothiing II can really 2ay two change your miind about Cae GD: 2o II'm not goiing two try. GD: ..hone2tly II'm ju2t not goiing two conte2t any of that GD: My head ii2 2pliittiing and 2omeone need2 two tell 2ky what2 goiing on PC: not it GD: II 2ee how iit ii2 GD: driink 2ome fruiit juiice and get 2ome a2priin PC: hey i dealt with makara ampora and the fucking elves yesterday PC: and im here today PC: you can do ;one; to your kismesis PC: but i will give it an attempt PC: though it is so far away and my head is already shattering so i cant cheat PC: woe PC: my life is full of nothing but woe GD: do you want me two ta2k a robot two briing you a driink PC: ...i am tempted PC: not just out of laziness but fucking hell this nausia is not helping PC: ...could i trouble you to/ PC: god there it was fuck PC: ...andi f it is possible for horuss as well? PC: i am not alone i n my tragic suffering GD: driink2, headache and antinau2ea pill2 comiing up for both of you GD: feel better GD: II'll me22age 2ky PC: i appreciate it PC: all of it PC: thank you PC: appropriate emote GD: appropriiate emote back -- geminiDoomed [GD] has ceased trolling palteringCecutiency [PC] --

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[jeaneybean]

The idiots find a vampire

Because of course they do.

So we zone back in to our party staring down hundreds of goblin eyes. ‘So what do you guys do?’ Sam asks. I’m like ‘Vera just, she pushes the door back shut’

So periodically as we decide what we’re doing, Jake opens the door back up. The goblins just stare. None go to attack. There are adorable ( I mean, for goblins) goblin babies, goblin women, goblin children, goblin elderly. This is a fucking nest.

The group plan becomes letting Vera go in and talk to the goblins because she’s real good at talking to people. Maybe a few goblins will speak common. So in she goes, showing her hands off that she has no weapons and she asks very politely (How politely? 28 diplomacy politely) if any of them speak common.

One eventually gets pushed forward and asks her what she wants, so Vera gives the quick explination. (Traveling through, fought a gargoyle, fought the skeletons, checked in here.) He repeated what she wanted so Vera parsed down as low as she could: They’re looking to help people.

‘Not here for us.’ ‘Do you need help? We’re here to help.’ ‘Not here for us’ and the Goblin picks up a spear and points down the wall. So In Vera goes, followed by Magnolia and Jasna. Jake and Nitahn stay with the door, because Jake alone with the door would be a horrible idea.

So into the goblin hole they go, eventually getting to a door where they can hear mining noises from inside. So they knock, noise stops. Vera calls through (Which has to be creepy) ‘Hello? Is anyone in there?’

Window slides open on the door, someone stares out at them. Makes the astute observation that they’re not goblins, Vera agrees. They get let in, where the room is full of people mining. They explain where they’re from, Adventuerers contracted from Hora and Evil Donkey to find missing people. Well, here are the missing people. They’re mining silver, which obviously is very not approved of in a country ran by vampires.

This is the one note I have about the session, which is ‘Vera: So, tell me all about your cult : )’ Because being able to inspire such loyalty and devotion in so many people is fascinating. Please help her, a woman from a far off country, understand this. So the guy tells the story, they’re all saved from their various villiage and mine silver to strike against the ruling class, yadda yadda rabble rabble.

Meanwhile Magnolia sneaks away to look for the brother to the woman who gave her a silver locket and asked her to find her brother. She finds him and tries to give it to him and tell him to come home, but he doesn’t want the memories. He insinuates that everyone he knew and loved is dead. Mags forces the amulet on him and he puts it on, crying as  he turns back to his work.

Mags comes back to the group and they talk for a bit, and Sam’s like ‘A new person comes up and starts talking, but Vera you don’t hear anything. Or see anything. You’re stunned for about, oh, six seconds.’

Which means that this new person who’s came up is at least twice their level. Very evil. Fantastic!

So his name is Anton and he’s a vampire. He asks if we want to take this out to the rest of the party, or have them come in there. He’s very interested on trying to make the party comfortable. This has the opposite effect on Vera, who’s very fucking uncomfrotable, and on Jasna, who recognized that Vera went totally unresponsive for a few seconds at the same time this dude showed up.

Vera tries to argue that they should just talk here, alone, with the most level headed. Anton looks kind of amused at her and calls her bluff and she’s like ‘You don’t know our Jake.’

Meanwhile, Jake is trying to convince Nitahn to go back and check on the donkeys so that he can steal a goblin baby while Nitahn’s gone.

They decide to take this party out to the rest of the party with Anton taking the lead after Vera tells him not to worry about making her comfortable, he reminds her of her father. “And who is that?” “Oh, a minor noble that thinks himself more.” As they’re heading back, Vera makes direct eye contact with Nitahn and shakes her head at him slightly and makes her eyes real big like, ‘this is not a good thing’. Nitahn doesn’t get the clue, but still is apprehensive.

As Anton gives his sob story about being made a creature of the night forced into doing terrible things by his sire and escaping his control once the old monster died, Jilly quietly comes through the door that they just shut on the goblins. When the vampire sees him Sam asks Magnolia for a knowledge: nature roll and writes that down. Anton continues to explain how he’s rising up against the vampires controlling the country, trying to do good and improve, and that’s why he’s been getting people to mine silver for himself. Sam’s surprised I’m not rolling more sense motives, and it’s because Vera’s already decided that she’s being lied to by someone who’s saying just the right thing to incite sympathy with her. 

Because, seriously. Not evil through his own actions but by the circumstances of his birth, trying to rise above that and do the right thing, trying to better himself? It’s like he’s trying to get her to be like ‘oh, same hat’. But he’s still very, very evil. Knock her on her ass evil. The kind of evil you gotta work to maintain, in her opinion.

They talk, Anton being very nice. He even offers to give them silver that he’s mined so the party can silver their weapons. He also informs the group that hte town they met up in, Hora, has been used to state the vampire’s thirsts. Most of the town is dead. 

Jake spends a long while talking with him and asking him a lot of questions about vampires. My personal favorate was:

Jake: So if we came back with silver weapons, could we kill you? Vera: No.

Anton asks them to introduce themselves, and Jasna gives her name, jake gives his name, Jilly gives his name, Nitahn’s nickname of Havilah is given for him, and Vera introduces herself as Vera Medvedeva. Anton comments on that, mentioning that it’s an old house name and one that isn’t around much anymore. Vera smiled and said that her family was good at sussing out when to leave. Blood runs deep, however. (Which is the Medvedev family motto, ahah).

Magnolia wants to go back and talk to the boy missing from the caravan, so she and Anton go in together. After a bit where they explainn things to Jilly (And Sam and Katie go out of the room to talk, with him coming back to look at her character sheet and go ‘son of a bitch’ and head back) they return. Some more men are going to come unload the silver, one of them the boy from the caravan. Magnolia makes a beeline for the cart and the river, with Vera quickly following her.

Magnolia twirls on Jilly when they’re across the river and asks him why the Pale Man is afraid of him. The knowledge: nature check? She’d spotted a reaction in Anton that reminded her of wollf behavior. The roll that Sam was like ‘Son of a bitch’ about? Anton tried to dominate her and remove that from her mind. Jilly says he has no idea in his usual Jilly way.

The people coem out with silver and load it up, with Nitahn going to talk to the boy from the caravan. Magnolia aproaches and casts ‘Protection from Evil’ to see if he’s being mind controlled. He’s not. He’s mining of his own will because he beleives Anton is being truthful to them and is going to fight the monsters controlling their country. He asks NItahn for some paper and he writes a letter to give to his parents.

At one point Jasna questions Vera, asking her about the name she gave. She’s introduced herself as Vera Isha in the past, after all. ‘Well, it used to be my name. Also, it wasn’t my name first.’ ‘VERA ARE YOU MARRIED?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What is he liiiiike?’ ‘He’s more beautiful than the sun.’ Vera adds in a bit later that ‘His eyes sparkle like Onyx (which Jilly commented on, black eyes, neat) his smile could launch a thousand ships. His hair curls to the envy of every woman in the capital. If he died I’d burn the world down and it wouldn’t be enough suffering.’ And Nitahn was like ‘uhhhhhhh’ at the last bit. 

So the party decides, as Vera suggested, that they head to the dwarves. So through the woods they go, eventually coming to a part of the forest where they could rest for the night. Of course, it looks like a tree literally exploded nearby, a-la-the fucking dire bear situation they found last session. Vera and Jilly are like ‘let’s keep moving’

So they head forward and find the next town at about 11PM. It’s a literal ghost town, no sources of life nearby. No evil, either. So they find the inn (And Vera prays over the bones of the dead donkeys inside) and decide to camp there for the night. Everyone just sleeps in the stables. Vera climbs up in the haymound because of course she does. Nitahn sleeps on the front of the cart with one of the donkeys, Jilly slept on top of the wagon, Mags and Jasna slept underneath, and Jake stayed up for watch because he slept all day in the wagon.

The first four hours goes by without a hitch, everyone sleeps. Nitahn is woken up at four hours to recast his alarm spell, and as soon as he does it just goes off. Boom. Noise everywhere. So we all wake up (Vera stops cuddling up to her sword and readies it) and look around. Someone passes a spot check and notices that the shadows look a bit odd.

So vera fucked right out of the haymound, getting on the ground after seeing clearly that there was nothing there with her. The group found sources of light as they could to track the shadow as it moved around, eventually going up into the haymound.

Vera: I’m not up there anymore, asshole.

The only thing that can hit it is Jake’s magic missiles, and it screams whenever jake hits it. (Vera: Stop that. Jake: Hitting it??? Vera: No, it scream.) So  eventually it gets tired of being hit and launches at Jasna, who dodges. It then goes for Jake, who it gets a hand on and gives him a -2 to his strength as damage. But Jake kills it since he’s the only party member who can fight it. Vera has no holy damage, having used it all on the fight that morning with the bone skeletons. Jasna, Nitahn, and Jilly can’t attack because it’s a shadow. Mags has no spells that’ll hit it.

However, as it dies with a shriek, outside there’s answering shrieks from other shadows. There’s more, and our party has little to no ability to fight them. Session end.