#however i admit i have not been reading them lately because issues aren't available at my local libraries and a sub isn't in our budget

[septembersung]

do you know the magazine dappled things? and if you do, would you recommend it?

Yes and yes! Been reading them for years. Some of their content is available online for free, but not all, some real gems are print only. Get a subscription! They're great to write for, too; they pay their contributors and publish both new and established authors. If you hang around Catholic literary circles you'll recognize some of the names regularly featured there. (Joshua Hren [of Wiseblood Books], James Matthew Wilson, Eleanor Bourg Nicholson, Sally Thomas, just to name a few off the top of my head.)

Support Dappled Things!

[flydotnet]

WHUMPTOBER 2023, DAY 13: “It comes and goes like the strength in your bones.”

Cold Compress | Infection | “I don’t feel so good.”

I suppose the HSAU Taro and AkeJun fics aren't my only annual fic - "Matsuyama gets a wound infected and Yoshiko has to wrestle that out of him" is another. 2021 had my first CT fic, "Little Things", serve as a fill for "Infected Wound". 2022 had "Helping Hand", another challenge fic which was a take on traditional H/C, but make it my OTP. And now 2023 has this fic! Wowie kazoowie, mental illness never stops!

I did swerve a bit on the formula by setting this a year after both LT and HH (…not Hungry Heart)... so that's something, I guess?

Okay, more seriously, the quote prompt was just prime MatsuYoshi material, I couldn't resist. Also, it's Friday, and around here we do F/M Fridays sometimes, and Whumptober won't be an exception dammit.

I owe being on time, somehow, to rewatching some Detective Conan stuff to jolt me back awake. Life hasn't been very nice to my mental health lately, I'm afraid. Oh, and spite. Spite and not wanting to miss my chance at the bingo at the end of the month! Nice carrots to have.

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Fragile in the Rough

Summary: Matsuyama has a confession to make; not of love, but of weakness. It does have a similar level of intimacy, at least.

Fandom: Captain Tsubasa

Word Count: 1.2K words

AO3 version available here.

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There are things you learn throughout your life for which it’s worth sucking up your pride and ask for someone else’s help. There’s improving yourself when just doing it on your own isn’t cutting it anymore. There’s asking for help when it involves someone other than you and your skills or knowledge isn’t enough.

And there’s admitting when you’re not doing well. It takes a bold amount of trust in whoever you need to tell that too, a good assessment of one’s limits and – most painfully – an admission of vulnerability that’s not easy for everyone.

The thing is, right now, that’s exactly when he needs to do, but he can’t do it; yet this isn’t even a matter of pride.

He’d guess, for some, it’d be a gigantic bruise to their ego they may never recover from – but for him, it’s not. How do you expect a good team captain to consider admitting to your weaknesses something to be ashamed of? None of your teammates will ever tell you what’s wrong with them if they read on your face disdain and shame about it. Even just for their sake, upholding such a senseless sense of pride wouldn’t be of any use – quite the opposite.

But this isn’t a matter of pride. He isn’t above admitting he needs help. He has before and he will do it until he dies, that’s just how being a human is. He isn’t stupid enough not to know that nor too proud not to recognize that, actually, today’s difficult on him and he’s tired.

He just hates worrying people, man. Every single time he’s unwell, he sees the weight it puts on the shoulders of those who care about him and the way it drags their faces down. He sees how his friends will drop what they’re doing, ask if he’s fine, and never be able to fully focus back on what they were doing before that. All of it, he hates it, because he isn’t worth distracting yourself. He can take care of himself without any issue… most of the time.

A leader has to take on himself, sometimes – well, in his case, it’s most of the time. He treats colds like he’d treat small scrapes and handles it all on his own. The leader, however, is also the one who serves as an example, and for all of his unwillingness to worry people, there’s also an undeniable feeling that he can’t let his teammates follow in his footsteps, in this instance…

Well, if he’s come to this conclusion, it’s ironically because his brain’s much too fuzzy to properly work on anything and the guys have noticed. Oda has said multiple times he’d take care of his workload and he’s noticed Kato very unsubtly assume a role as assistant coach. Neither of them is slick, but he appreciates it, no matter how much his sense of responsibilities and duty is barking at him to get back to work, not to let anyone worry about him.

Not to mention, there’s nobody he wants to confess this crap to. Who even has time for that? He’s supposed to streamline the team’s efforts, not add onto the pile. A pair of hands is never too much around here, not when there’s snow to shovel away and strategies to brainstorm. All in all, no, there’s nobody he should be telling this stuff about.

Well… that’s not entirely accurate. There is one person he’d be willing to talk to about this. Unfortunately, it happens to be the one person he’d rather not worry at all, because of all people he knows, she’s the one who’s plenty concerned for him already on a good day, perhaps even more so than his parents because she isn’t too used to him yet.

Fujisawa has become perhaps not the centre of his life, but saying she’s half his heart is pretty accurate. The fact they’re even both dating is somewhat of a miracle, because he’s rough and while she’s solid as steel, she’s also soft to the touch and not the sort who likes rubbing elbows and getting dirty. He does love the parts of her who will get her hands dirty and do it, fix what needs to be fixed, without a complaint. Oh, that’s part of why he doesn’t want to burden her with worry, her natural compassion, her strive to take care of issues and the inability to speak of her feelings if she feels they’d also be a burden… (They’re kind of made for each other, in that sense, huh?).

But you know what his parents have always told him? That a husband and a wife are always here for each other – and if they’re not married (they’re sixteen, give them some time dammit)

So there he is, inside the clubroom, holding onto an aching arm that’s not stopped causing him issues for a couple days – hey, maybe it’s part of the issue, actually.

“Hey, Fujisawa,” he says without any real intonation.

She turns around almost immediately, the unhappy expression on her face all but confirming she has noticed something was off before he could even tell her about it.

“Oh, it’s you, Matsuyama,” she greets him. “What can I do for you?”

“Can I… ask you something a bit private?”

The flush that comes to her face, oh so quickly, is beyond endearing. He’s really down bad, but also, isn’t that the point?

“Of course.”

He gets closer to her, to the point where he can start counting her hairs.

“See, I’m a bit, uh… I’m a bit loopy, today.” Yeah that sounds accurate. “By that, I mean, uh… I don’t feel so good.”

He’s pretty sure confessing his feelings to her was less difficult. Even now, he doesn’t really want any of this.

“I thought you were feeling off,” she replies in a tendre tone. “Can I take your rtemperature to check something?”

“Oh, sure, go for it.”

He expects her to get a thermometer from the first-aid kit under the desk; but all she does is tiptoe to his height, push his hair out of the way and put a hand on his forehead. The contact is enough to make him have to repress a chill – it’s not a bad feeling, far from it, just a little overwhelming.

“You do have a fever, I’m pretty sure,” she tells him as she recovers her normal footing.

“Ah, crap, that doesn’t sound good.”

Her eyes slide to his left arm.

“Is your wound not getting any better?”

“Ah, uh… No, it doesn’t seem to. I dunno why, maybe I’ve done something wrong when I dressed it….?”

“Can I check it?”

“Oh, sure! Sure.”

He tends his arm so she can easily unwrap the bandage… or try to, because as it turns out, she has trouble taking off his skin, the damn fabric sticking to the wound. There’s fresh blood just peeking through the worst of it and the stench – oh, he forgot how much this thing stinks.

“It’s gotten infected,” she verbally recoils as she announces it. “That’d explain your fever pretty well…”

He forgot to disinfect the thing the other day. Goddammit, that didn’t sound too hard to do too.

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense.”

Fujisawa frets a little, looking around, before settling on him back again.

“Can you sit down, please? I’ll take care of it, but I need you to sit still as I do.”

“No worries.” He takes a seat right where she needs him to be. “You’re sure you don’t mind, though? I could do that myself or just ask the nurse.”

“No, it’s fine, I’ve learned to do it. Plus…” She blushes again, right as she opens the first-aid kit. “I want to do it for you.”

“Then go for it.” He watches her prepare the operation with undenied fondness in his eyes. “Thank you so much, Fujisawa.”

“Don’t fret it. Now, I apologize, but it’s going to sting a little…”

A dab of water on the wound just to wash it does remind him to be more careful, next time.

[miqojak]

Layers Upon Layers

one: outside layer

[Name:] "Jak." [Hair Style & colour:] "Black and orange. I wear it pulled back and braided." [Eye Color:] "Gold and jade green." [Height:]  "Fuck if I know exactly. Under five fulms." (4'9") [Style:] "Depends on the day. Maybe the hour. Leather and mini-skirts are always a good bet, though. Sometimes a nice suit, sometimes my bike gear, sometimes a little something more form-fitting, elegant and gilded - 'desert chic', I suppose." [Best Physical Feature:] "Definitely my ass...though my legs cut it close, on that one. What do you think?"

two: inner layer

[Fears:] "You ask that and actually expect people to tell you?" (Small/enclosed spaces with no readily available exit, levin, Garleans, people getting too close to her/seeing who she really is) [Guilty Pleasure:] "People feel guilty for what they like? Who's going to judge me, the sheep who can't come up with a single original thought of their own, and feel guilty if they do?" [Biggest Pet Peeve:]  "Biggest...that's tough, actually. Probably blithe optimism, or naivete. People too ignorant, or unwilling to ask questions and look deeper - or those simply unwilling to face hard truths. There can never be any growth if you aren't honest with yourself, after all. Unmotivated slackers. If you have no goals, why are you wasting this star's air?" [Ambition for the Future:] "To be feared and respected in equal measure. I've been pushed around for a long time, and now it's my turn."

three: thoughts

[First Thought When Waking Up:] "Probably...my to-do list for the day? That or wondering what the weather is like, and whether or not I'll be going on my usual morning run or be stuck working out indoors. That or 'Huh, they haven't killed us all yet.'" [What You Think About the Most:] "What my next step is in life - how I want to pursue that power I'm after without compromising who I am...and how the fuck I ended up with someone who actually cares about me in my life while distinctly trying to avoid that type of thing...and why he stuck around. I wonder about the 'why' a lot." [What You Think About Before Bed:] "Depends on the day, and what's happened, and if I'm headed there alone. If I'm not alone, it's probably something to the effect of 'I still can't believe he wants to be here/wants me to be here'. And whether or not I'm alone...there's always the nagging, ugly reminder that Garlemald's towers sit hunched in the sky, ready to end everything for everyone - predator and prey alike. It could be the last night for any of us." [Your Best Quality Is:] "My ass. But other than that...well, I'm honest, and my loyalty can't be bought. I'm not a good person, but I have my own...'code', in a sense, I guess."

four: what’s better

[Single or Group Dates?] "Group dates sound like a punishment. I can barely stand the slack-jawed idiots around me as it is. Though undoubtedly the punishment would be upon the others, considering who my date would be, and the fact that we'd probably spend the time verbally destroying the other couple." [To be Loved or to be Respected?] "Respected. Love without respect is horrifying. I've been there, I've suffered it, and I'm still recovering. But I still...don't know that I believe in love. At least not how most people do, I guess. Love makes people do stupid shit when they believe in it. Respect doesn't. Respect can stand alone, without needing love. Respect has to be earned. There's no claims of 'respect at first sight.' But like I said...love without respect is...ugly. Scary, even." [Beauty or Brains?] "Both, or no deal. Brains are essential, but I can't have a walking pile of dogshit on my arm, now can I?" [Cats or Dogs?] "Neither, I don't do pets - animals are food. But...I suppose I'd say dogs, though you'd probably incorrectly assume cats, based on the fact that I resemble one. But...there's been more 'canines' in my life in the last year or two than I care to recall."

four: do you…

[Lie?] "No. Not unless the situation is dire - my morals don't matter if my life is on the line. Survival comes first always." [Believe in Yourself?] "Much more than I used to. I've accomplished, and survived, more than most could even begin to imagine." [Believe in Love?]  "Not...really? Maybe? Though I'll admit that for all my vehement denial in the past, someone has made me re-examine my emotions in the last half a year or so. I don't think I believe in the sort of 'love' that the general public believes in. I had someone force his fairy tale romance down my throat and do me a lot of harm both physical and mental with those ideals, as he forced me to be someone I wasn't. If adhering to what society expects of love is all that someone cares about - hitting the expected gestures as told in fairy tales? That's about as real as a fever dream. I don't like the word 'love'. Not what it's come to be associated with, and what's expected of you along with it." [Want Someone?] "For the first time in my life...yes. Not that I don't 'have' him as much as I can claim such, but when he's not around, I find that I want him to be. So...yes?"

six: have you ever…

[Been on Stage?] "No? I mean, my organization does run a jazz club, and it's been various theaters before that, and I've...sat on the stage, basked in the spotlight of an empty theater? I prefer to be...less in the actual spotlight, however." [Done Drugs?] "I've only been clean and sober for...maybe a year now? So yeah. I've...done a lot of drugs." [Changed Yourself to Fit In Somewhere?] "I've been a con-artist to put food on the table, but I don't believe in changing who you are to 'fit in.' If you don't fit in...you don't fit in. You are who you are. Being anything else is a lie, and does you a disservice. It's also a pathetic cry for attention - for the other bleating sheep to accept you into their herd. I won't debase myself to 'fit in' with my lessers."

seven: favorite

[Favorite Color:] "Black, white, gold, and red. I don't have just one." [Favorite Food:] "Once more, I don't have just one. I like red meat, I like seafood, and I enjoy rolanberries quite a bit. Of late, I think my current favorite snack is takoyaki though - this fried dough ball with octopus inside...just thinking about it makes my mouth water." [Favorite Game:] "Breaking and entering."

eight: age

[When Your Next Birthday Will Be:] "No idea." [How Old Will You Be?] "No clue. I'm...twenty and four summers, roughly...give or take a couple." [Age You Lost Your Virginity:] "Care to lose yours to one of my knives, here?" [Does Age Matter?]  "Should it? I suppose I'd be a bit baffled to see an old geezer with a hot young thing, but even so...who cares? I haven't exactly had a lot of lovers, but I don't think I ever asked any of them their age. So long as people stay the fuck away from kids, it's a non-issue in my opinion."

nine: in a partner

[Best Personality:] "An unflinching realist who not only faces the truth, but deals it out themselves. Ambition, and the ability to be honest with themselves about who they are." [Best Eye Colour:]  "Who gives a shit? If I find them worthwhile, I'll like their eyes, I assure you." [Best Hair Colour:] "Who's out here checking people off a list because their hair is the wrong color? I mean, after some shit I went through, I might not want to ever see another red-head again, but realistically...who gives a single fuck? I think you're asking the wrong questions here. People often do - too busy dwelling on lust at first sight." [Best Thing to do With a Partner:] "Murder? Crime in general? ...Or a hot bath."

ten: finish the sentence

[I Love…] ...I just told you I don't do love. But...I do love the sun." [I Feel…] everything at once, or nothing at all, it seems." [I Hide…] who I am." [I Miss…] my family." [I Wish…] ...wishes are for simpletons. Actions achieve what you want." Thanks for the tag: @eligos-venator @placesyoucallhome @bek-sc @sundered-souls (I think I found you all who tagged me!)

I am late to this party! Tag yourselves if you want to do it, so I can read your stuff! I feel like most folks have done it, and I'm too brain-dead atm to root around in the bowels of Tumblr to see who hasn't, since I'm many days late! XD