#however as i will be in the car for like...8 hours expect wire texts and driving thoughts 😎

[rietveild]

hello hello — i will be going on a lil road trip/vacay with friends from thursday night-monday night so i'll be a bit quiet ooc and ic !! i'll have my phone but not my laptop, so i'll be around on mobile aka discord + wire ( albeit sporadically ) but i won't really be posting formatted replies here !

[thebestpersonherelovesbucky]

Perchance to Dream

For @whumptober2020

No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO? “Don’t Say Goodbye” | Abandoned | Isolation

No 30. NOW WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Wound Reveal | Ignoring an Injury | Internal Organ Injury

Summary: Steve knows something is very wrong. An outbreak of some sort. Something out of Hollywood’s worst nightmare.

Read on Ao3 

Week One

“What’s going on up there?”

Traffic is one thing. Perfectly commonplace in Brooklyn especially, but this is utterly ridiculous, even Steve agrees. This bumper to bumper, stop and go madness is just out of control. 

“I dunno,” he answers Bucky’s question. “It looks like they’re making everyone turn back around.”

“But why?” Bucky asks. “Is there something going on today? A parade or something?”

Steve chuckles as he inches the car forward. “You know as much as I do, babe.” 

It's unusual but it has happened before. Something big going on that redirects traffic that the neighborhood isn't made aware of. Rare. But then, The City of New York isn't always known for its efficiency. 

When the pull up to where traffic is being turned, however, it's not normal traffic cops. It's not even the NYPD. It's the military. National Guard, Steve thinks.

"Turn back that way!" yells the man in front of them. Dressed in full riot gear. "Just follow the detour!"

Rolling down the window, Steve doesn’t intend on giving them a hard time. He’s just curious about whatever’s happening. As a former captain of the army, Steve is familiar with military procedure and now that he’s a paramedic, maybe he can help. He’s sure Bucky, the former sergeant of the 107th, won’t mind lending a hand either, if they need it. 

“Is there any way we can help, private?” Steve asks after he explains who they are. “Is anyone hurt?”

Before answering, either to turn them away like everyone else or wave them in through the barricade, he looks over his shoulder. When he glances back at Steve again, he looks rather dismayed. Both Steve and Bucky know damn well that whatever he’s about to say, even if it’s virtually nothing, it’ll be against protocol. He’s supposed to be directing traffic away from the area. Not answering anything. 

“We’re not entirely sure,” he says. “We’ve just been told to clear the area. If I were you, I’d get home and get in touch with any officers you might still have an in with.”

That’s all he says on the matter before straightening back up again and waving them along like everyone else. It’s enough for Steve, though. If a soldier, trained not to divulge anything, gave them just that nugget of information, it means something big is about to happen. 

They follow the soldier’s advice as soon as they get home. Steve immediately tries calling his contacts. He starts with Peggy who confirms that something really is happening. 

“I don’t have the details yet,” she says. “But we’re mobilizing all over the country.”

On the television, Bucky’s turned on the news. There’s nothing out of the ordinary on it right now. The typical stories. The weather. Some crimes. Financial changes. Only a few reports about a possible rabies outbreak throughout a few major cities. 

“Do you have any idea what it is?”

“Just that the CDC and WHO have been flooded with calls and reports about an outbreak of some unknown virus.” There are a lot of things happening on Peggy’s end and she lowers her voice. “Keep watching the news,” she says, “but they’re not getting the full report. I’ll call you when I have more information.”

The call goes dead then, and Peggy’s never ended a call so abruptly before. Even when in a rush, she always says her farewell. Just a simple, “Good bye, darling,” and a kissy noise. 

The way she hurried now, the stress and worry in her voice, it makes Steve’s stomach flatten. 

“What’d she say?” 

Bucky, who left the room to grab himself an apple, tosses one to Steve as he plops down on the couch. 

“Um…” Steve shakes his head. “I…”

The lack of response has Bucky paying closer attention to him now. The worry is clear on his face.

“What is it?” he asks. “Is it serious?”

“I…dunno. She couldn’t say.”

“Well…that doesn’t sound good.” He glances at the television. Just a story about a woman being found with multiple animal bites this afternoon in Connecticut. “Did you call Rhodey?”

“Um, no. I was about to do that now.”

Steve’s already scrolling through his contacts for the right one. When he gets to the right one, he hits send and lets it ring and ring and ring until he gets the voicemail. Normally, no one bothers with voicemails -- a simple text will suffice -- but things feel off enough that he does.

“H-hey, Rhodes, it’s Steve. I…um, just…call me. When you can.” 

But Rhodey doesn’t call back.

And he doesn’t answer when Steve tries again an hour later. Or when he calls again an hour after that. Or the three times after that. 

In fact, it’s a little after three in the morning when they hear from anyone. 

Both Steve and Bucky are asleep on the couch. They passed out together watching the news. Looking for anything that might clue them in to what’s happening. Nothing helped.

But the phone ringing startles Steve awake, and since Bucky’s lying on top of him, it jerks him awake as well. It takes Steve a moment to realize what’s happening and when he sees who’s calling, his eyes go wide.

“Rhodey?” he answers, hoping to keep the panic from his voice. “Rhodey, is that--”    

“Steve, I need you to listen to me and listen closely,” Rhodey says, hurried and low. “Do not interrupt. I can only say this once. Containment didn’t work. This thing is going to spread like a fucking brush fire. You and Bucky pack up bags right now, only what you need, and have them by the door. They’re gonna quarantine in quadrants first and when…if that fails, they’ll try to evacuate the cities. When that happens, just go. Do not wait. Whatever you do, do not let them bite you. I’ll be in touch if I can.” 

“Wait, wh…Rhodey…” 

“One more thing,” Rhodey says. “Go for the head.” 

The line goes dead then and Steve’s heart begins to pound. All that urgency, the god-awful fear in Rhodey’s voice, it makes Steve’s blood run cold. 

“Steve?” Bucky places a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong? What is it? What’d he say?”

Steve looks at the phone still clenched in his hand before flicking his gaze to meet Bucky’s. 

“He said,” Steve whispers, “we have to pack.” 

Week Two

There are two bags by the front door, packed and ready to be grabbed at a moment’s notice. Just like Rhodey said, they’ve been quarantined in a four block radius since two days after they spoke. Steve hasn’t heard a word from either Rhodey or Peggy since. 

Martial law has been declared for two weeks now and the military is patrolling in full force. Always in riot gear. On foot or in tanks. Always armed. There’s a strict curfew being enforced. Each zone has been sectioned off with barbed wire blockades that are manned around the clock. There are snipers on every other rooftop. Sirens blare all day and night. 

Of course, people are coming up with their own reasons for what happened. Obviously, it has to be terrorism. The number one excuse for more racism. Even with absolutely no evidence to support their claims. 

Lots of theories have been floating around. Everything from bioterrorism to some sort of super bug to the start of World War Three. It’s hard to keep track of facts versus conspiracies since the internet keeps crashing. The phone lines keep going in and out as well. Steve doesn’t know if that’s being done in order to cut off communication or if it’s just a side effect of whatever’s happening. He assumes it’s the former and can only hope it’s the latter. 

Restrictions are even tighter come sundown. No exceptions. Nobody is even permitted to sit outside on their stoops or in their yards. Once the sun sets, everybody is ordered indoors. Helicopters pointing spotlights down over everything circle all night.

The news is only somewhat helpful and, Steve’s sure, being censored as well. Every hour on the hour there’s an emergency broadcast. All other stations are not in service. Steve keeps in mind what Peggy told him. To keep watching but to remember that they don’t have all the information.

And what little information they’ve been providing is sketchy at best. 

“This is Elizabeth Brandt.” Steve can hear the television from the kitchen where he’s making lunch for Bucky and himself. Canned soup. “Coming to you live to bring you this important news bulletin.” 

“Hey, Steve!” Bucky calls from the living room. “News is back on!”

“I’m coming,” Steve murmurs as he heads back into the living room where Bucky’s waiting on the couch. “Anything new?”

“Mm-mm.” Bucky gets up to offer Steve help. Takes one of the bowls. “Just something about the hospitals being filled to capacity.” 

Every news report that comes on has information scrolling at the bottom of the screen. Today, it’s about insurance rates expecting to spike over seventy-five percent in the next coming weeks. 

“We are receiving unconfirmed reports right now,” the newscaster says, “of seemingly random acts of violences and mass murder that have occurred in some major cities. We will continue to bring you live updates as this story unfolds.” 

“Jesus,” Bucky whispers. “Mass murder? How did we go from rabies to mass murder?” 

“People are scared,” Steve offers. “They might be panicking.”

“The violence I can understand. I mean, I’m fucking scared and we have a little more information.” A tremble flies up Steve’s spine. That’s the first time Bucky’s said anything about being scared. At least Steve’s not the only one. “But mass murder? People being violent because they’re scared and mass murder are two different things. Don’t you think?”  

Steve, taking a spoonful of soup and burning his tongue in the process, nods. He knows Bucky’s right, but despite his fear and worry, he’s still trying to stay positive. 

“It’s the media,” Steve says. “Maybe they’re exaggerating.” 

The look Bucky gives him, slightly amused but also doubtful, makes Steve smile. He knows that Bucky knows he’s just reaching for answers or excuses. 

“You’re adorable, Rogers,” he murmurs and presses a kiss to Steve’s cheek. “I hope you know that.”

Steve chuckles. “Why?”

Head against Steve’s shoulder, Bucky uses his free hand to caress Steve’s thigh. 

“Because even during the apocalypse you look for the bright side.” Bucky hums softly. “I love you for that.”

“Well, I think that’s a compliment, so I’ll take it.” Steve grins softly. “And I love you, too.”

If anyone could make Steve smile during this, it’d be Bucky. At least they have each other. 

Week Three

The only time either Steve or Bucky sleep in their bed anymore is when they take quick naps during the day. When at least one of them is awake. Always ready to watch the news when the television comes back on the air. If it’s not, there’s just a Please Stand By screen. Sometimes colorbars and a high-pitched ringing. 

At night, they sleep on the couch together. When they can both sleep. Which is not that often.

Right now, Bucky is sleeping with his head in Steve’s lap. Steve has been dozing a little, but he can’t fall into a deep slumber. Not with Bucky out like a light. He deserves some sleep and Steve enjoys this little moment of peace when he can just run his hair over Bucky’s head and pretend like nothing else is happening in the world.

Steve’s actually nodding off a bit when Elizabeth Brandt is on the screen again. 

“Good evening,” she says, “for those of you who are just tuning in…” Steve wonders if she really needs to say that every time they come back on. He can’t imagine there’s anyone who isn’t at least paying a little attention. “We are going to try to remain on the air for the remainder of this crisis.”

Across the screen, as usual, are mini-stories scrolling by. Steve tries to follow along as they do.

A family of five has been found dead in Jacksonville, Florida. Police have described the victims as having been…”torn apart” by their attackers. 

“There have been wide-spread attacks,” Ms. Brandt continues, “all across the country, by what are being described “rabid people” in a “trance-like state”. 

Military forces have deployed to every major city to cope with the drastic increase in crime and violence. 

“Now, whatever this is, the phenomenon does not appear to be limited to the United States. We’re receiving reports of similar cases coming in from cities all around the world. We still have no specific answers as to why this is happening. Reports range from a germ or a virus with a mind altering effect or possibly some sort of chemical spill causing or a behavioral disorder causing mass hysteria.”

Over a dozen bodies have been found in what police are calling a ‘mass grave’ were found with severe ‘bite marks’ in various parts of the body.

“The president has issued a statement urging all people to stay in their homes and lock their doors until the situation is handled.”

The station reverts back to the stand-by screen and Steve’s stomach hurts. He’s somehow both too hot and too cold at the same time. He briefly considers waking Bucky to tell him these updates, but decides against it. 

“Sleep, my love,” he whispers. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.”

Bucky shifts a bit, his nose wiggling and fingers scratching at something on his cheek. 

Steve smiles and then checks his phone. All the unanswered messages. He hasn’t heard from Peggy or Rhodey in almost two weeks and what he did get was a few words at most. 

Reminders to be ready. 

To be alert.

Pay attention. 

Sighing, Steve puts the phone down and rests his head on the back of the couch, hoping to get a little rest.

Week Four

Steve jerks awake to a high-pitched ringing. Sun is streaming in through the bedroom windows, the curtains pushed open. It takes him a few moments to realize what the noise is and that he’s actually slept through the night. 

Steve flings the blankets away and hurries out of the bedroom to see Bucky seated at the very edge of the couch just staring at the television. There’s no one there. It’s just a message. A message from the Emergency Broadcast System. And it says nothing about this being just a test. 

We interrupt our program at the request of local authorities. This is the Emergency Broadcast System. All normal broadcasting has been discontinued during this emergency. This station will continue broadcasting, furnishing news, official information and instructions, as soon as possible for the Extended Operational area. 

As Steve approaches the couch, he notices that Bucky’s breaths are hitched. He’s chewing on his nails -- an old nervous habit of his -- and bouncing his knee. There’s a tear rolling down his cheek. 

When Steve slips a hand over Bucky’s shoulder, Bucky gasps and spins his way. He clearly tries to wipe those tears away before Steve cans them and fakes a smile.

“Hey,” Steve murmurs. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

“N-no. You didn’t. I just…” Bucky shakes his head and huffs a chuckle. “I just didn’t hear you.” 

“What time is it?”

“Almost noon.” 

Steve nearly topples over at that. He had no idea how late it was. He hasn’t slept that much in weeks. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

Bucky offers a soft grin. This one, Steve believes, is genuine, and that gives him a sense of peace, however small. 

“Why don’t you ever wake me?” he asks. “Probably for the same reason.” 

Nodding, because Steve can’t really argue with that logic, he comes around to sit with Bucky. As soon as he sits, Bucky scoots a little closer. Steve takes his hand. Bucky squeezes. 

“What’s happened?” Steve asks. “Something new?”

“No. They went out about an hour ago.” He gestures to the television. “It’s been like that since.”

Both their cellphones are on the coffee table. Steve reaches for his but figures he already knows the answer to this one.

“They’re still out, too,” Bucky says as Steve clears his screen. They’ve been keeping them charged, of course. Just in case. But the cell service has been out since last week. “Internet, too.”

The no service icon on Steve’s phone still gives him chills. The last time he spoke to someone on it was two weeks ago. When Rhodey called to say that things are going downhill. 

That’s when Steve agreed to take out their weapons. While both he and Bucky agree that gun control needs to be better enforced, they’re still armed. A leftover effect from combat, maybe. The need to feel protected and able to protect each other. 

They don’t have a militia worth of weapons or anything. Just the standard, really. Things for survival. Dehydrated food. Bottled water. First Aid kits. Really, the two of them can survive for a few months completely off the grid. It’s just that…well, they don’t really want to. 

“Hey,” Steve whispers when Bucky starts staring at the television again. “You okay?”

“Mhm.” When Steve covers the top of Bucky’s hand with his, Bucky sighs and shakes his head. “I’m, uh…I’m starting to get really scared.” 

“I know.” Steve nods. “So am I.”

“I don’t fuckin’ like this, Steve. They fucking roll up in their armored cars and tanks and start patrolling the streets, claiming it’s for our safety, but they won’t tell us what’s wrong. No wonder people are pissed.” 

Pissed is actually a kind way of putting it. More like fucking infuriated. And, honestly, Steve can’t blame people. He’s not exactly overly thrilled that the government, here in this country and clearly in others around the world, are not telling them anything. 

Instead, they just send the freaking military into civilian areas and expect everyone to fall in line. 

In fact, when Steve lets himself think about it, he’s fucking infuriated as well. If not for having friends in high places, the two of them probably would have split from here a while ago. Possibly when this first started.

It’s too late for that, though. 

There’s no way they can get over the bridges to get to the mainland and it’s not as though mass transit is still running. Hell, there isn’t even any cell service or internet. There’s been rolling blackouts and the news keeps going out, but, they’re still expected to just sit in their homes and wait to be told it’s all clear. 

Steve has no idea how the fuck they’re expected to trust in…shit, he’s not even sure who anymore. 

Week Five

“Widespread panic continues across the country.” Elizabeth Brandt no longer wears make-up. Her hair isn’t done. Every now and then there’s a tremble in her voice. “Many communities are without telephone. Most without power. Some without water.”

Steve wrings his hands together. They still have some power left but it comes in and out. Right now, the only light they have is that of the T.V. Nighttime, they’ve been instructed to keep the lights off and the shades drawn. They haven’t had any way to contact anyone for over a week now. Water went off yesterday. 

“Scientists at the CDC have released the following statement,” she says. “This virus is passed through bodily fluid such as blood and saliva. It is most often passed through bites but can be contracted if contaminated blood is absorbed into the body.”

“What the hell?” Bucky breathes, leaning forward and resting his arms over his knees. “What the fuck is this shit?”

Hand on Bucky’s back, Steve rubs it in soft circles trying to offer whatever comfort he can. Hard, that, when he’s just as confused and concerned and afraid.

“The infected exhibit rabid-like symptoms within five to thirty minutes of infection including skin inflammation, flu-like symptoms such a headache, violent coughing, and sore throats, and nausea and vomiting. At two hours, mild paralysis sets in leading to locking of the joints but does not lead to immobility. Finally, severe confusion and aggression.”  Ms. Brandt pauses before she continues. “We have some…some footage here of some people who have contracted the virus but we must advise you this may be difficult to watch.”

On the screen now is video footage clearly taken on a cellphone. Somewhere in Europe, Steve thinks, based on the license plates. When they hear people start talking, rushed and panicked, Bucky murmurs that they’re speaking Romanian. 

A moment later, screaming. Running. Gunshots. Sheer chaos and pandemonium. Only Steve can’t see what they’re running from. The phone’s camera is shaking violently as its owner runs.

Until a person next to them tumbles and falls to the ground. Whoever’s filming stops to try to help and drops the phone in the process. But the camera is still rolling. 

And within seconds, someone…or something comes into view. 

A man, or at least what used to be a man. His head is bent nearly all the way to the left and his jaw is clearly broken. He’s dragging his right leg but that doesn’t seem to impede his speed. His right arm is twisted and locked against the side of his body. There’s blood everywhere. Around his mouth. Dripping from his eyes and nose and ears. He lunges for one of the two people there. They both scream.

The video ends there.

When the screen goes back to Elizabeth Brandt, she’s staring blankly. Not at the camera. Just staring out at nothing. Trembling. Until someone off-camera clears their throat. 

Her gaze slowly lifts and focuses back on the camera facing her. She sucks in a deep breath and nods.

“The military is mobilizing,” she murmurs, very quiet. Little emotion other than the fear that’s permeating through this living room, “in an attempt to evacuate all major cities.” Ms. Brandt’s breath staggers. “We’re providing a list of rescue stations.” Scrolling on the bottom of the screen. “Please, make your way to the rescue station closest to you. If you are watching this broadcast at this time, please, get to a rescue station immediately.”

The screen starts cutting in and out, and Ms. Brandt is still speaking when it cuts off completely and goes dead. Colorbars with a high-pitched ringing is all that’s left.

“Steve…” Bucky whispers. “Did you…did you…this can’t be happening.”

All Steve can think about is Rhodey’s first call to him. 

They’ll try to evacuate the cities, he’d said. When that happens, don’t wait. Go.  

“We have to go.” 

Steve is already on his feet. First thing he does is grab two of their handguns. Both loaded. The only time Steve’s ever considered bringing a gun outside is when they go to the gun range and they’re always stored in locked cases. 

“Where are we going, Steve?” Bucky asks. “It cut out before the list even reached Brooklyn.” 

“I don’t care,” Steve replies, shoving one of the guns into Bucky’s hands. “But we need to get out of here. We’ll figure it out.” 

Bucky doesn’t question any more than that. Seems he’s already caught up with Steve’s thinking and wants to get the fuck out of there as much as he does. Even more so when they hear gunshots from not all that far away. 

They both freeze on the way to the door and stare at each other for a second. They’re leaving everything behind, Steve knows that. The bags they packed a few weeks ago are useless now. 

“I love you, Bucky,” Steve says and pulls him in for a kiss. “We’re gonna get through this.” 

Strange and horrifying as all this is, Bucky still manages a smile and grabs Steve’s hand. Tight. Unwilling to let go.

“I know.” He nods and adds his own kiss. “I love you, too.”

Steve takes one last, long look at Bucky before he wretches open the door and they dash outside. 

It’s already chaotic. People are doing the same as them. Running. With no sense of direction, they just fucking run. Steve runs with Bucky’s hand still tucked securely in his. 

The military there is trying to give out instructions. No one’s listening, of course, and even if Steve wanted to, he can’t understand them anyway. 

There are people everywhere. Parents carrying children. Lovers clinging to each other. Friends desperate to help each other. Some people trip and fall, and Steve and Bucky do what they can to help them back to their feet. Others aren’t so lucky and are trampled. 

Horns are blasting and metal twists around metal and glass shatters. There’re fires. More gunshots. Looting. 

They’ve only gone a few blocks when the screaming changes. The panic shifts to outright horror and fear. One glance over his shoulder confirms Steve’s worst fears.

They’re being chased by the infected. Several of them. Lots of them. So many… 

“Where the fuck did they come from?!” Bucky shouts as he pulls out his gun. “They’re everywhere.” 

Behind them, there’s snarling and growling. Squelching sounds and crunching bones. 

Steve is suddenly very aware of the sound of his own breathing. It’s all he can hear over the screams and cries for help. His heart is pounding like it’s never done. 

This is all wrong. 

Nothing makes sense.

These people need his help and he’s just running. That’s not what he does. That’s not what either of them do. But Steve doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know how to help these people. To save them. All he can do is run until his legs feel like jelly and his chest hurts and his head is spinning. 

They get a bit of luck when they have a chance to duck into an alleyway that’s not far from a school. The list that had the rescue spots listed a lot of schools and churches in the other boros. Can’t be too different for them. 

When they reach the end of the alley, there’s a fence that they need to climb over. A few people, not infected from what Steve can tell, have followed. Them, Steve helps as best he can by assisting them up and over the fence. 

Bucky, already on the other side of the fence, helps them over and down. Some of these people seem to know each other. Possibly a family. Three children. Four adults. 

They say something about trying to get to the rendezvous point. That they’re evacuating people in trucks and buses and vans not that far from here. 

One of the adults climbs over the fence and runs without waiting for anyone else. Steve hopes that means they’re not associated with the rest of them. Another climbs over and waits as Steve and the other two help the three children. 

They’ve just made it over, Bucky helping the last one and handing her off to the person next to him, when his eyes go wide.

“Steve…” He’s gone very rigid, staring at something behind Steve. “Hurry.”

Steve glances over his shoulder. Sees what Bucky does. Three people. Growling. Drooling. Their bodies all contorted, and bones cracking when they take a few steps in Steve’s direction. 

“Holy shit,” Steve breathes and then whirls back to the last person on this side of the fence with him. He grabs him and shoves him at the fence. “Go! Go, now! Hurry!” 

“Steve!” Bucky yells. “Steve, hurry! Come on, please!”

In his rush, Steve slips a time or two as he clambers to the top of the fence. The entire thing shakes and trembles. The young man next to him nearly loses his grip and falls. Steve grabs him by the wrist and keeps a hand on his back to help him.

“God damn it, Steve!” Bucky shouts. “Come on! You need to run!”

They’re at the fence now. Grabbing at Steve and his companions legs. Tearing at their clothes. Trying to pull them back down. 

When Steve makes it to the top, he swings one leg over, and just as he goes to bring the other, a sharp, unimaginable pain radiates at his ankle and shoots up his entire leg. He screams as he jerks his knee up and grabs his ankle. 

The pain is so agonizing that Steve lets go of the fence and falls the rest of the way, landing with a hard thud on the concrete. Something might break, he isn’t sure. It’s the pain in his ankle that has his attention. 

“Steve!” Bucky is at his side the second he hits the ground. “Steve, what happened? Are you all right? Can you get--oh fuck.”

Steve snaps his gaze back to the fence. Where the infected are climbing up it. To make matters worse, there are three coming into this side of the alley on the other end.

“Bucky…” Steve pants and coughs. His ankle throbs and that fall knocked the wind out of him. “Get the…the kids…” 

They’re all trapped. If they’re going to get the rest of these people out of here, Steve knows what needs to be done. He and Bucky need to separate. 

Gun at the ready, Bucky nods and shoots back up to his feet, stepping in front of the group of people with his weapon aimed. Steve reaches into his holster and pulls out his own gun. 

They start shooting. 

Steve knows he hits them. One in the arm. One in the leg. One in the chest. But they keep coming. He fires again. Foot. Shoulder. Back. And they still keep coming. 

“The heads!” Bucky suddenly yells. “Steve, go for their heads!” 

Vision blurry and ears ringing, Steve takes several shots before finally getting one in the head. He manages to get another but the third, right before she’d lunge at Steve, is taken down by Bucky. She falls in a heap right next to Steve. 

Once again, Bucky drops by his side. At the same time, he’s waving at the rest of the people there to run. They do, but not before thanking them. 

“Come on, Steve,” Bucky says. “You gotta get up.” 

That fall did a lot more to him than Steve realized. It shouldn’t be all that surprising. He just fell at least ten feet. His head hurting isn’t very shocking. The sore throat is a little unusual, but Steve figures that’s from all the screaming. 

Still, he’s so dazed and disoriented, that when Bucky once again tries to pull him back to his feet, he tries to push him off.

“Just go,” Steve grunts, “get outta here.”

“No,” Bucky growls between his teeth. “Not without you. Now c’mon, Steve. Get. The fuck. Up. Now.” 

If they weren’t in the middle of a zombie-like apocalypse, Steve would laugh. That tone, it’s not one to be reckoned with. 

Steve nods and accepts Bucky’s help as he brings him back to his feet. The strain makes Steve grunt and he teeters a bit off balance. 

“You okay?” Bucky asks. “You with me?”

“Always.”

Even in the midst of a waking, walking nightmare, Bucky scoffs a laugh and, fuck, that smile is worth walking through fire for. 

“Don’t get all sappy on me now, Rogers.”

Steve is limping a bit, but after just half a block, he’s able to at least sprint without needing to lean all of his weight against Bucky. 

The coughing starts a few minutes later. Uncontrollable fits that have Steve doubled over. His head hurts so bad that he almost wants to bash it against a wall. 

That fucking fall. He’s taken hits worse than that, he’s sure of it, yet one tiny fall off a tall fence has him ready to keel over. He can’t, though. He needs to suck it up and keep running to get Bucky out of here. 

“Steve?” Bucky asks when Steve is bent over coughing again. “Baby, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He nods and tries to straighten again. “I think…I think I broke a rib or something.” 

“Okay. Okay, you’re gonna be okay,” Bucky assures him. “We’re not far now. When we get there, they’ll help you.”

Spitting some blood from his mouth, Steve wipes his arm across his and clears his throat, wincing from the pain of it. He exhales sharply and then lets Bucky wrap his arm around his waist to assist him again. 

Only this time, when Steve takes a step with his right foot, white light flashes in front of his eyes and he shrieks as his weight falls out from under him.

“Steve!” Bucky goes down with him. “What is it? What happened?”

Steve shivers from head to toe. It’s too hot out. He has no idea when it got so freaking hot out. It’s only April for god’s sake. 

“Stevie…” 

Steve can just make out Bucky’s voice through clogged ears. Then it disappears altogether and all Steve can see is Bucky’s lips moving. It’s hard to make out what he’s saying, but Steve can venture a guess. So he nods, assuming Bucky’s asking if he’s all right, and lets Bucky help him back up. 

“Come on, baby, we’re almost there.”

Bucky’s right. 

They’re not far. 

Just another two blocks sees them at the blockade. There are swarms of people being ushered in a few groups at a time. 

As Bucky leads Steve there so they can wait their turn, Steve takes a glimpse down at his ankle. It’s covered in blood. He knows it’s his. It’s seeped into his jeans and down into his sock. That's why, he realizes, his foot squishes every time he walks. That’s why it hurts when he walks. That’s why… 

Eyes filling with tears, Steve coughs again, his breaths shuddering. Bucky readjusts his grip on him. Helps him as best he can because that’s what they do. They help each other. They save each other. They love each other. 

Steve just watches him now. His Bucky. His best friend. The man he’s loved since they were a couple of punk kids running around the streets of Brooklyn. Life had taken them in different directions after middle school but they still found their way back to each other. 

“What?” Bucky asks when he notices Steve staring at him. “Are you okay? Do you need to sit?”

“No.” A sense of peace and calm washes over Steve. “I just love you.” 

The corners of Bucky’s mouth twitches. Almost a smile. Hard to smile with all this, but it’s almost there. 

“I love you, too, Steve.” 

Steve coughs more. His throat is on fire. His stomach turns, nausea creeping through. 

When they finally reach the entrance through the barricade, Steve hands Bucky his gun just as he walks through. 

“Steve, what’re you doing?”

“Take it,” Steve whispers. “You’ll need all the protection you can get.”

“I have my own,” Bucky says. “You need it.”

Steve shakes his head and ignores the officers trying to move them along. 

“Just take it. And go.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?! Come on, Steve! Don’t fuck around!”

Those tears almost get the better of Steve, but he manages to hold them back. For now. 

He looks down at his ankle and lifts up the bottom of his jeans. Shows Bucky what Steve already knows is there. 

A bite.

A big chunk of his skin all red and black and blue and swollen. 

It pulses. Throbs. It’s almost unbearable.

“No…” Bucky whimpers. “No, no, no. We can…you’re gonna be fine. You…”

“Go, Bucky.”

“No! No, I’m not leaving you!” Abruptly frantic, like he can’t figure out what’s happening or what to do, Bucky starts to shake all over. “No. No, I’m staying. I’m staying with you. I’m not leaving you!”

The tears finally break through, mirroring those rolling down Bucky’s cheeks. But Steve won’t give in. He won’t be selfish. He’ll save Bucky. Even if that means taking himself out of the picture. 

“I’m bitten,” Steve says to the soldiers there. “Take him out of here.”  

They don’t wait.

Steve’s actually surprised he and Bucky got this last bit of time together. That doesn’t stop Bucky from screaming. From struggling with all his might against the soldiers dragging him away. 

“No! No, Steve! Steve, please! God, no! No, this can’t…you can’t leave me! You can’t!”

Bucky’s reaching over the soldiers. Trying desperately to get back to Steve. Even for just one last touch. 

And Steve is selfish enough for that.

He reaches once.

Their fingers graze.

Stomach lurching just as they load Bucky in the back of a military truck and it drives away, taking Steve’s whole life with it, Steve claps a hand over his mouth and pushes out of the crowd. Right at the fringe of it, he leans over to be ill. 

Steve doesn’t know what’s going to happen to him now, but he does know that he’s going to be a danger to all these people soon. No matter how much it hurts -- and it does, inside and out, like a red-hot poker shoved between his ribs -- he pushes onward. Gets himself out of there. As far away as possible before his legs give out from under him and he collapses in a gutter not far from where he and Bucky met. 

Week ???

The sun beats down on the empty city streets. Sizzles and burns Steve’s skin. He knows it is happening. Feels it happening. Can do nothing about it. 

He cannot remember how. 

Sometimes, he cannot even remember his own name. He knows he has one. Or did have one. It is not that important. 

The ankle that was bit still throbs. It always does. Now, that foot is all twisted. He can’t really bend his right knee and his right arm is clenched to his chest. He has been unable to move it for the longest time. 

Sometimes Steve sees people. Real people. The way he used to be. If they see him, they scream and run. If they have weapons, they try to kill him. 

He wants to tell them that he does not want to hurt them. And that much is true. Steve doesn’t want to hurt them. But he will. He can’t stop it. The guilt is overwhelming, the screams of the people he has hunted down echoing through his ears. 

He is just so very hungry. Always hungry. Or maybe he is thirsty. His tongue and mouth and throat are on fire. The taste of iron has not left his mouth since the first meal he had. 

The only other thing he wants to do is sleep. Nothing ever stops, though. Steve can’t sleep. All he ever does is wander. 

There is a building he passes from time to time that feels right. Familiar. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows there’s a word for it. It sits at the tip of his tongue. Not that it matters. He cannot speak anything more than grunts and moans and growls. 

That’s because of the pain. So much pain that ravages through his entire body, day and night. 

Steve can’t stop crying. It is different now. He doesn’t think he is doing it right, but he still cries. Wordless and soundless. 

Maybe he has lost something. It feels like that. Very much so. Like he is looking for someone. Someone that left him here. Right? Or…no, that is not right. The others did. They left Steve and the rest of the Wanders to rot. 

Things do not make sense so much anymore. They haven’t in a long time. 

He hates them. Steve doesn’t know who but he does and he wants to hurt them until they feel as much pain as he does. If he gets the chance he’ll bite into their flesh and tear into through skin and gnaw down to their bones just to hear their screams.  

No.

No, no, no, no, no…no.

Why does he want that?

Steve can’t remember. 

If he finds them…them…him…then maybe it will be better. The pain won’t go away but that smile. Yes, that smile. 

Bucky.

The name pulses through him and for one single second, Steve’s existence makes sense again. That second passes quickly. 

Something is behind him. Steve can hear it. Smell it. Fresh meat. Warm. Alive. 

Head stuck tilted to the right, Steve turns, his bones creaking and cracking along with the movements. The living. Three of them. From the smell of them, two males and one female. 

Steve is hungry. It does not matter that they carry weapons, Steve will try to get food. He opens his mouth. Jaw popping, drool leaking over his teeth. Steve hisses. Tries to warn them. Threaten them. Demand they do not move so he can have his meal. 

“I hate it when they make that noise,” one of the males says. “Fucking creepy.” 

“Oh, c’mon, Sam,” the female answers, “you’re not losing your nerve, are you?” 

Steve runs toward them now. If they do not shoot him first and set him free, he will catch them and he will eat them and for just a few moments he will not be hungry. 

“No, Nat, not losing my nerve,” Sam says. “Doesn’t stop that noise from being any less creepy.” 

“Yeah.” Nat nods. “I’ll give you that.”

“Stark, what’re you waiting for?” Sam asks the second male. “You wanna be his happy meal?”

“Not today,” Stark replies and Steve is only a few steps away when he raises his weapon and it discharges. 

Hits him in the chest. Steve does not stop. A puny weapon as that will not come between him and his food. Except when a new pain spreads from that spot and sparks throughout his entire body, Steve drops to his knees and gasps for air. 

They have hurt him more. More pain. 

So much more pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

“All right,” Stark says when Steve falls forward, unable to move. “Tag ‘im and bag ‘im.”

Nat crouches down in front of Steve and turns his head so that he’s facing her. She lifts his eyelid up and clicks her tongue. 

“You’re right, Stark,” she says. “He’s one of the firsts.”

Sam comes close. Take a good look as well. Must agree because he nods but why will they not kill Steve? It will be better for them…for him… 

“Eyes are totally bloodshot,” Sam says. “Poor guy.”

“Well, let’s get ‘im back to the lab,” Stark tells them. “Bruce and Helen will wanna have a look.” 

A lab.

Steve cannot remember this word but it makes his insides feel wrong. Afraid. Maybe that is it. 

***

Steve feels quite weightless. 

Floaty.

No, not floaty. Actually floating. 

Perhaps that means he’s finally died. If that’s that case, he’s not sure if he’d feel this good. After everything he’s done as a Wanderer, he deserves damnation, not salvation. 

There should be no reward. No easing of his pain. And this dull ache in the back of his head, the heat in his throat, and the aches in his body is the most relief he’s had since…well, it feels like a lifetime ago. 

Although, if by some miracle, he’s been let into an eternal paradise, maybe that means he’ll reunite with Bucky someday. 

Oh. 

Oh, his Bucky.

A tremble flies up his spine. 

The last time Steve saw Bucky, he was crying and scared and screaming for him. He could still feel the spot where their fingers last touched. 

But it was the right thing to do, it was. If Bucky had stayed with him, he’d’ve died. All this guilt topped with the idea of taking Bucky’s life as well? No, Steve couldn’t handle that. 

It occurs to Steve then that he hasn’t fully been able to recall Bucky in quite some time. Now, he’s all Steve can think about. 

The pain in his ankle feels so much better. 

His head isn’t tilted. 

His arm isn’t pinned against his chest. 

Steve finally gains enough coherency to open his eyes. When he does, he gasps and thrashes about. 

He’s submerged in water. In a vertical tube. There are wires hooked to his naked body and tubes in his mouth and nose. Steve bangs on the glass. He can breathe and he can hear but he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on and he needs to get out of this thing.

“Whoa, whoa! Hey, it’s okay!” 

Someone’s voice comes through the thick water and Steve turns that way. He doesn’t know this person but he recognizes him. The man who shot him. With someone. Not a bullet. 

Now that Steve’s thinking a bit clearer, he thinks it may have been some type of taser. 

“My name is Tony,” he says, pushing closer to Steve on a wheelie chair. “Tony Stark. You’re gonna be okay now.”

Too busy trying to figure out what’s happening and how he got here, Steve looks around at all he can see. It’s a lab, just like they said. They must’ve brought him back here. Brought him…back.

“I know, you’re probably confused, that’s normal,” Tony explains. “The process is a bit disorienting. Is this getting through? Can you nod or something, big guy?”

Tony, Steve realizes, is asking him a question. He’s actually talking to him. Not running and screaming, but talking. Steve can’t talk with the tubs in his mouth so he nods. 

“Good, good. Here, I’m gonna pull up a virtual keyboard.” Whatever he does out there makes letters appear on the glass in front of Steve. “Can you type your name in?” 

Steve might be achy but he’d also be fucking thrilled to do this. He lifts the arm he hasn’t controlled in so long and types his name.

S-T-E-V-E 

R-O-G-E-R-S

When Steve sees his name displayed on the screen, he smiles. For so long, he couldn’t even be sure if that’s who he was and now he knows. He’s him. He’s Steve Rogers. 

But Tony just blinks at the name a few times. His mouth opens not once, but twice before he finally answers. 

“Steve Rogers?” He says that as if he’s familiar with it. “You…do you know a Bucky Barnes?”

Eyes going wide, Steve would gasp if he wasn’t breathing through a tube and underwater. This guy knows Bucky. He’ll be able to tell Steve if he’s okay. If he’s near. If he’s safe. 

“I guess that’s a yes,” Tony mumbles. “Well…shit. He was right. You were too stubborn to die.” He snickers before pushing back over to the lab table he’d been at before Steve started banging on the tube. He picks up the phone and only dials one digit. “Hey, I need you two to bring Barnes down.”

Bring him down. That means Bucky’s here. Oh, god, please, please let this be real. 

“Uh…let’s just say he’s been right this whole time,” Tony says. “He always said he was still out there.” 

Tony continues with a brief conversation with whoever’s on the phone but Steve doesn’t pay any attention. All he cares about is the fact that Bucky is here. Bucky’s here and they’re bringing him to see Steve. 

While he waits, Tony explains a bit of what’s happened and why Steve is in this thing. It’s a bit hard to follow along; not everything is entirely clear yet and Steve’s mind is still a little fuzzy. 

Apparently, the weightless environment helps the Wanderers’ limbs to unlock. That, combined with the antibodies speeds up the recovery process. The recovery process that Bucky’s been helping with.

According to Tony, Bucky’s part of some vigilante group. A group that rallied together to go out and look for survivors. Killing Wanderers when they needed. When they could.

“It was your man who thought he saw something in one of them one day,” Tony says. “Saw…what could be. And instead of killing…”  

They started bringing Wanderers back to the lab. To their base of operations. Found something of a cure. 

“You’ll probably have to stay in there for another forty-eight hours or so and then go through a ton of physical therapy, but, based on our other subjects, you should make a--”

The door swings open, and without even pausing to check the room, Bucky comes running in and right up to the tube where Steve is. 

“Steve!” There’re tears streaming down his face. “Oh, god, baby, I knew it. I knew you’d be alive. I did. I told you. I told you, you’d be okay. Oh, fuck, baby, I miss you so much. I love you. I love you, Steve.”

Steve still isn’t entirely sure if this is really happening. It feels real. Maybe not what he deserves but…if he’s allowed a few moments of peace, he’ll gladly accept it. 

If it is real, well, they did it again. Somehow, against all odds, they found their way back to each other. 

He smiles around the tubes in his mouth and traces a heart along the glass. Still crying, Bucky lets loose a wet laugh and traces a heart over it. 

It’s the last thing Steve sees before his eyes close again.

He’s tired. 

He’d very much like to sleep. 

And maybe dream. 

[morganvetter-blog]

Zero SR vs Energica SS9: EV Race

Brandon and I recently drove down from Monterey to LA on business. He rode an Energica Esse Esse 9 while I rode my Zero SR. One of the main features of the Energica is the full support of level 3 CCS stations which can deliver a full charge to the bike in as little as 20 minutes. One of the goals of the trip was to visit as many CCS stations down Hwy 101 as we could and determine if it was possible to make the trip entirely utilizing CCS.

Meanwhile my Zero SR was equipped with 4 digiNow SuperChargers capable of delivering 13kW from the plentiful selection of level 2 stations available at every town and sometimes in between. This gave my Zero with a Power Tank a consistent 1 hour charge time if totally empty but required use of either dual J1772 stations or a single Tesla Destination station.

On Thursday we drove down and mostly explored what was available for CCS while meeting with friendly fellow riders and documenting stations. Late Thursday night we stayed with a friend in Hollywood and discussed the plans for the rest of the trip and reviewed footage taken earlier that day.

The next day Brandon and I parted ways to take care of business but hatched the idea of a race back to Monterey on Saturday. I would be starting in Irvine and Brandon in Long Beach. Neither of us thought the other stood a chance, and we both proclaimed our own easy victories. Obviously I would win, I had consistent 11-13kW and a nearly infinite amount of stations. Brandon had powerful 23kW stations as long as he was in the greater LA area. Beyond that they grew fewer and fewer, sometimes only one per town, and in some cases the single one was offline. I fully expected him to be far ahead in the morning with me easily overtaking him when he was forced to subsyst on level 2 charging at 3.3kW. He, on the other hand, figured he would gain an insurmountable advantage early on and the times he would have to utilize level 2 would be inconsequential. We were both wrong.

The night before the race I mapped out my route via PlugShare. It should be noted that I had rode this route once before with Brandon about 15 months prior. He was my guide because he had ridden these roads constantly and knew every station along the way. I remembered a couple of his preferred stops, but not all of them. On his end, he was going on the information he'd learned on the trip down. He knew the roads but not the level 3 stations. I would also like to note that I was carrying all of the gear. This includes about 40lbs of 6awg wires and portable charging stations in the case on my bike because primadonna Brandon refused to sully the beautiful Energica with things like luggage or straps.

Saturday morning I awoke shortly after 6am. My gracious host was already awake and playing Hearthstone on his PC but offered to cook breakfast for me, which I readily accepted, not knowing which charging stations were near any sort of amenities. I was also accutely aware of Brandon's inability to function before 8am and figured I would ensure my victory by starting early. By 7:15 I had said goodbye and was on the road. Please note the awesome matching Teslas of my host. Zero hidden in middle of shot.

My first stop was a complete failure. I had planned out a reasonable office complex in Santa Monica that had a non-shared ChargePoint. I made great time, but one of the stations was taken by an EV car. As I plugged into the single station I quickly scanned Plugshare for alternatives. The Wells Fargo building nearby promised 8 J1772 stations, but I quickly discovered it was locked for the weekend, and also apparently under construction. I then wandered, seemingly aimlessly, for some time as my GPS on my aging iPhone 6 is spotty and unreliable. I eventually found myself in a paid parking lot at some sort of recording studio fussing with Tesla Destination chargers. They worked but shut off after ~4 minutes. I tweaked the settings on my chargers to skip the ramp procedure so I could just reset every 4 minutes and grab full power, but this grew tedious. A security guard wandered out after 20 minutes to investigate what I was doing, but wished me luck after I explained what I was doing. I found another potential spot for consistent charging and left having only gained about 25% battery and paying an astronomical $12 parking fee.

Brandon was awake by this point. Not only awake, but also apparently playing in Malibu Canyon a mere mile or two from me.

My next stop was perfect. It was a 4 story parking garage between Sherman Oaks and Van Nuys that promised 4 ChargePoint stations on the roof. As it was Saturday I figured it would be empty. I was right. Not only was it empty but it also had a shaded alcove with 3 benches where, presumably, employees took smoking breaks. I popped the drone out and took a little footage. I was able to get full power off 2 stations and completely top off having wasted over an hour getting lost in Santa Monica.

At this point I made sure to share my location on my phone with Brandon. He had already done so for me so I felt it was fair that he should see what I was doing. Due to the inconsistency of my GPS this did make him paranoid as apparently my map location had a tendency to warp. My next stop was one I remembered from the previous trip, the Amtrak station in Carpenteria. This one was extremely important because I remembered 4 Chargepoint plugs, bathrooms, a mini mart, and a beachfront burger joint. I arrived at around 15% charge and discovered, much to my dismay, an EV car plugged into one of the stations. These were shared stations meaning each station has the capacity to deliver 6.6kW total between 2 plugs. In order to get full power I would need to be the only one at the 2 stations. This proved impossible so I plugged in 3 of my chargers into the 2 plugs and set myself to 3/4 charging capacity.

I checked my map to discover I was actually ahead of Brandon but he was closing in fast. I thought he might watch his map and come say hi but instead just blew by on highway 1 at high speeds. 

Sadly my 3/4 charging speeds meant I would need over an hour, so I had a burger at the tiny beachfront joint. It was noon by this point. After I was done there it came time for one of the most enjoyable legs of the trip: Highway 154 to Chumash Casino. This is an absolutely gorgeous twisty road that climbs up and down the mountains and a must for anyone traveling the 101 on a bike. As it ends it spits you out at Chumash Casino which is jam packed with free level 2 charging stations. I plugged in, went inside the casino, and had some sort of asian steamed veggie bowl at the food court so I could feel good about patronizing the establishment. I don't have a photo of this because I was trying to do a facebook livestream but apparently the signal in the garage is insufficient. Refreshed and full of bok choy, I resumed my trek north.

My next stop was the Lowe's parking lot in Santa Maria. I had scouted this out on PlugShare and knew it was a goldmine. 10+ free J stations? Heck yeah. I used to live near another Lowe's that had a similar setup so I was certain this was a good choice. It was. I parked, plugged in, and checked my map. Brandon was a mere 0.3 miles away at the CCS station at a BMW dealership. It was at this point my brother texted us and said he had made a ton of cheeseburgers on the grill and we should hurry home to eat them. I found out later Brandon had not eaten all day and was basically drooling in his helmet the next few hours thinking about burgers. I sat down behind a shaded wall in the parking lot and uploaded the following picture to FaceBook:

This generated a buzz because Brandon was posting about his progress and people realized we were damn close. This, to me, indicated some theatrics were in order. I noted that my batteries were quite warm at 120F, and Zero's safety measures shut them off around 136F. However, the cautious way I was riding meant my batteries cooled down as I rode and warmed up as I SuperCharged. I knew this, and I knew how to keep them from overheating. But I posted like I was concerned about this to generate a little drama. Obviously I was going to win at this point. Brandon was a couple hundred yards away and running out of CCS stations. What chance did he have? In fact, his very last CCS station was next and it only gave 17kW. I topped off, packed up, and headed to Paso Robles.

Because I was so confident in my imminent victory I decided to delay posting of my photos until I was done and packing up rather than having just arrived. I had planned to use a high-power Tesla Destination charger in Paso Robles, but some inconsiderate Tesla owner, no doubt a paying guest of the hotel, was using it instead. Disgusted, I backtracked to the South edge of town and the promise of 4 open ChargePoint stations. There I encountered 2 homeless men keeping out of the sun thanks to a large tree on the south edge of the parking lot. I asked if I could share their shade and struck up a conversation. It was a father, Jim, and his adult son who had fallen on hard times, had been living in a shelter in San Luis Obispo, but took the train up to Paso to visit mom for Mother's Day. We chatted and he charged his phone off my bike. As we talked I checked my map and realized Brandon was literally about to pass by within 50 feet.

"Wait for it," I said to my new friend Jim. About 10 seconds later the banshee wail of the Energica could be detected. Brandon breezed through town, looked right, and gave a friendly wave and beep while heading to his CCS station. Jim was over the moon with newfound excitement. I hope he gets back on his feet.

Despite pulling ~12kW from the 2 ChargePoints, Brandon was fully topped off and heading North before I was even done. This is where it truly got interesting. North of Paso the headwinds kick in STRONG and there was literally no more CCS for Brandon. I planned to stop at a place called The Mill at 43 Olive Ranch which has several Tesla Destination chargers and a Clipper Creek J1772. The final stop would be King City which had a single Chargepoint station. Brandon would have to stop at The Mill to top off before King City, and it was basically all over for him at that point.

I pulled into The Mill to find it totally empty. No Brandon. Turned out he found a nice, fat truck to draft behind and, AGAINST ALL ODDS, made it from Paso to King City in 30mph headwinds on a naked sportbike. Hell, it killed half my battery to get to The Mill a mere 30 miles away. Tiny voices of doubt started to make themselves known. But surely he could only charge at a paltry 3.3kW in King City, right? I was drawing 12kW and could draw 6.6kW once I hit King City which was double his rate.

I cautiously drove to King City. As Brandon pointed out in one of his posts during all of this, the Zero batteries were never meant for this sort of duty. They are meant to be bulletproof. The cells are encased in a flame-retardant epoxy. This keeps them super safe but makes cooling them a bit of a challenge. Running air, water, or ice along the outside does not appreciably lower the temperature of the cells deep in the middle of the pack. They have to naturally dissappate heat. I'm aware of this so I almost never went above 70mph to allow my pack to deal with the constant stress of lugging me and all of Brandon's 6awg charging cables. My batteries never went above 124F which is, as I posted on FaceBook, where stuff gets REALLY fun. The hotter the battery the less resistance there is and in Brandon's bastardized phrasing, more opportunities for 'dank whoolies'.

I arrived in King City. This was our first stop a mere couple days before. We were both around 30% if memory served but I was charging at twice his speed at this point. This was where the biggest decision was made. Brandon assumed he had it in the bag at this point, because the road ahead was Carmel Valley G16, an incredibly twisty difficult path. I have driven this road. I've driven it in both daytime and nighttime. It is completely acceptable in daytime. Welcome, in fact.  In nighttime is is full of families of wild boar crossing the road in packs and moths that suicide into your visor and render it inoperable. No thanks. I opted to stay on Highway 101 to Salinas and deviate to Highway 68 from there. Brandon's smirk shriveled when I told him this. "But.. the twisties are where I have an advantage!" he bemoaned

"I know," I said, "I'm not a complete idiot."

To pass the time we headed to the local diner and consumed our pre-battle milkshakes while Rampage played on the TV

As my Zero SR finished charging, Brandon was only at 74%. He insisted I couldn't leave before him, and some other words I couldn't hear from my helmet as I left before him. I drove to Salinas VERY, very carefully. The headwinds were very strong and constant. I probably never went above 60mph. Up ahead were milestones I knew from months of commuting and were also the most harrowing parts of the journey. I *knew* that at the turnoff I was headed towards I would need 15% battery under normal riding conditions. I reached the turnoff at 14%. I *knew* that it would take me 7% battery to climb Los Laureles Grade to get to the EV station on the other side. I reached the grade at a low 7% and drove it at 30mph, waving any car past me. At the peak of the grade I was casually climbing at 25mph and wondered what would happen if I twisted the throttle all the way. Nothing happened, actually. I crested the peak at 2% and was horrified to remember that regenerative braking doesn't work when you're that low. I coasted all the way down to the EV stations at 2% and found all parking spots were full. Just about to give up I realized only 2 out of 3 cars were actually charging, and the 6.6kW Clipper Creek was open. Carefully I wedged my Zero between the cars without touching them and, with about an inch to spare, plugged into the station for some sweet sweet sip.

I checked my map and Brandon was lost in the deep, dark, receptionless land of Carmel Valley. I *knew* I needed at least 10% from that particular EV station to the finish line, so I opted to charge to 11% and pack up. I checked my phone again and Brandon popped into view less than a mile away. Aw, crap. I hastily packed up my EV cord and avoided hitting the charging Teslas as the unmistakable motor in the Energica passed me. Single lane road. No way to catch and pass him. Double crap. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we finished within mere minutes of each other. He arrived at 2% battery; I arrived at 1%.

Final thoughts:

I was really pushing the Zero to its limits. Brandon was regularly dumping ridiculous amounts of power both to and from the battery. As long as Zero motorcycles have the 1C limitation on charging they won't be aimed towards any sort of touring. Or, to put it another way, if you plan a day trip that has more than 2 full charge stops, the Zero is probably not the right choice. But this was NEVER what the bike was intended for. I'm literally trying to shove a square peg in a round hole. The Energica battery, on the other hand, is more suited to dissipating heat as Brandon was not only charging at 2C or more, but as he admitted later he was often driving well above the posted speed limit*.

*allegedly

If you are in an area with plentiful level 3 CCS charging, an Energica is an incredibly viable choice for not only a daily commuter, but also for a killer weekend twisty beast. Personally I think we should embrace both. What do you guys think?

Also for real neither side is paying me for this write-up. Both Brandon and I agreed we'd like to do more of these races in the future. If you'd like to get in on this with your electric motorcycle please drop us a line. The more the merrier.

[joeybelle]

Oh, how the tables have turned - Part 8

Clyde Logan x Reader

Inspired by @clyde-prompts: “Some guys are rude and use ableist slurs against Clyde. The reader is with them, and although she feels bad about what’s happening, is too scared to say anything in front of her “friends”. She comes back to the bar a couple nights later to try and show him she’s not a bad person. They get to know each other and fall in love”. Doesn’t fully follow the prompt.

Warnings: Language, first person POV

Word count: ~4500

Rating: Mature

Setting: Pre-Heist

Tags: @lonelyravenclaw @kyloren-supreme-ben @onmyknees4steve @elsablackswift @helloimindelaware @mwcritics @makingtimemine @littlekylo

The messages didn’t stop after that night. It was never a long conversation, usually we’d stick to a couple of messages at a time, but after a while they got more frequent. I have to admit that at first I’d find any excuse to keep the conversation going, asking questions about this or that in our town or just telling him a funny thing that I saw at work. He always replied. Maybe not instantly, but he never left me on read. And he started doing the same, sending me random texts throughout the day, so I started to eagerly expect the notifications.

Once he sent me a really out of focus picture of a butterfly that he said looked just like the ones I’d painted on my old mailbox. I told him it did, although I could hardly tell it was a butterfly in that picture and to be honest I didn’t remember what the ones on my mailbox looked like. But he seemed to remember, so he either had a better memory than me, or he’d been so traumatized by the whole experience that it was scared in his brain. Still, it made me feel good to know he thought about me.

Another time, when I woke up in the morning I saw a text he sent me at 3am telling me that it’d started raining and I should probably take an umbrella to work. It was little things like this that made me really happy.

I also went down to his bar a few times, because we agreed to repay the drinks we owed each other. The ‘buy’ part of the deal ended up being a little tricky, since he refused to let me pay for any of them, and the shots usually added up to more than what I had to repay, but I wasn’t gonna complain about that. Instead, I just enjoyed his company until it was time to close. Mellie and Jimmy joined us one night and we all stayed way past closing time, just telling stories and having fun. They were all such nice people and I was glad to be able to call them my friends. I felt we’d gotten a lot closer over the past couple of weeks.

However, the kiss was never brought up, and a tiny part of me feared that it might have just been a one-off. Maybe it was the heat, staying for so long in the sun might make you take some rash decisions. But we also didn’t have any opportunity to spend time alone since then, so it might have been just that the timing was wrong. I tried to get him to walk me home one night after we’d been drinking for a while, and he seemed eager to do it, but then something happened at the bar and he had to stay back and fix it. Luck didn’t seem to be on my side.

So we didn’t really get to spend time alone until the day of the storm.

It had been announced all over the news that a big storm was coming our way. The scientists didn’t really agree, some saying that it would die down as it progressed towards us, some that it would hit us full force, with potentially disastrous consequences. So of course, everyone panicked. For two days before the storm was supposed to strike the whole town went completely mental: they attacked the stores like a bunch of trolls waiting for the apocalypse, filled their tanks with gas, loaded their weapons, built barricades and all that. For those couple of days it took me twice as long to get to and from work, and all my patience and self restraint not to kill anyone in the overcrowded stores.

I actually felt relieved when the day of the storm actually came and everyone barricaded themselves inside their homes leaving the town empty. It looked a bit like we were waiting for the world to end, with stores closed, shutters secured, streets empty and an ominous cloud front looming over the town, but at least it was peaceful.

The storm started in the evening. It was just thunder and wind for a few hours, but the combined noise was so loud that I ended up sleeping on the living room couch with the TV turned on, hoping that it would cover the noise a little. It didn’t help much, sometimes the thunder was so loud that I could feel the vibration in my chest and the windows rattle, but I eventually managed to fall asleep.

I woke up when the rain started, a furious rapping on the roof. I was disoriented for a moment, in complete darkness and in an unfamiliar place. It took me some time to remember why I was in the living room, and why it was so dark. The power was down, and not just my house, it seemed.  There was no light coming from any of the other houses or the streetlights, so the rain seemed to swallow everything.

I hadn’t prepared much for this storm, I realized. Just some bottles of water, something to eat that didn’t require cooking and a bunch of scented candles (because if I really had to buy candles why not buy the scented kind, at least they would smell nice and I would keep using them), and charged my powerbank. If the roof gave in or the house got flooded, I was completely unprepared. I sighed and turned on the cell phone flashlight.

I studied the ceiling in every room, but there was no sign of moisture. Yet, at least. If my roof survived this storm, I promised myself I’d cook Jimmy a four course meal, and even share some of my expensive vodka with him. Not too much, the rest was still waiting for Clyde.

I tentatively opened the front door and peeked outside. The rain was pouring, but the wind had calmed down considerably. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, I hoped as I closed the door and moved to the kitchen to grab a candle.

It was almost morning when I fell asleep again. Luckily, the college was also closed because of the storm, so I knew I could afford to sleep in. I woke up again around noon, still a bit disoriented. The power hadn’t come back on, but the rain had mostly stopped. I looked out the window. My garden and the street were full of leaves and tiny branches, but it seemed like the town had survived the storm.

I spent the next few hours waiting for the power to come back on, but I was out of luck. When I started to get hungry, and it became clear that I’d have to eat only cold cuts for the rest of the day, I started to wonder why the power wouldn’t come back on. I grabbed an umbrella and headed outside to ambush the nearest neighbour. To my surprise, they had power. It must be my wiring system or the fuses, they said, and I trudged back to my house, disgruntled.

I turned on my phone flashlight and descended into the deep, dark abyss that was currently my basement to check on the electrical panel. To nobody’s surprise, the fuses were fried. I facepalmed, because my dad had told me repeatedly to go and buy some spares, but the detour to the electrical store was enough to make me delay it indefinitely. And now I was fucked, because I had been too lazy to drive 15 minutes more to buy some fucking fuses.

I plopped onto the couch, groaning like a dying animal and laid there in misery for a few minutes. Then I pulled out my phone, took a deep breath and dialed Clyde’s number.

“Hi Clyde, sorry to bother you,” I blurted, anxiously biting my lip.

“You’re not bothering me,” he replied, so blunt and honest that it made me smile.

“How did you survive the storm?”

“We’re good. Nothing happened. How about your house?”

“Well about that,” I laughed nervously. “The house is fine, but I think the lightning blew my fuses and I don’t really have any spares. Do you think you may have any fuses lying around somewhere?” I crossed my fingers and prayed to at least seven different gods.

He was silent for a few moments, like he was thinking. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I’ll have to ask my brother and call you back.”

“Thank you, Clyde.” I sighed. “I really appreciate your help.”

I knew there wasn’t much hope, but I anxiously waited with the phone in my hand nonetheless. As the minutes passed, I was starting to lose all remaining hope. If the Logans had no fuses, I was doomed. All the stores were closed for the day and I really didn’t want to knock on all my neighbours’ doors to try and find some. I would have to live without power, like my ancestors before me and their ancestors before them. Unfortunately for me, I was way too dependant on electricity: my fridge worked on electricity, my stove and oven were both electrical, the water heating system as well. I couldn’t even take a long bath surrounded by my new scented candles, unless I liked soaking in cold water.

Eventually, the phone vibrated in my hand, breaking my panicked train of thought. ‘I found fuses,’ the message said. ‘I’m coming over.’

I jumped off the couch and started skipping through the living room. I was so happy I felt I could tackle him the moment he entered the house and kiss him until he turned blue from lack of air. Well, I could do that on any occasion, but this time the sentiment was a little more acute.

It didn’t take long until he arrived, pulling his car in my driveway.

“Who angered the bear?” I asked, pointing at the pronounced frown on his face.

“No one, it’s nothing,” he said, almost through gritted teeth as I let him in. His whole demeanor screamed ‘tense’, so I took a few steps back.

“Okay,” I said, feeling my heart sink. I really didn’t expect him to be in such a bad mood. I couldn’t remember ever seeing him like this. “Listen, I’m sorry for calling, I really didn’t wanna inconvenience you in any way. You could have just said that you were busy, I would have understood.”

“What?” He looked at me, confused like he didn’t know where I was coming from. “ No! It’s just…” He put the box of fuses down on the kitchen table and huffed. “I just argued with my brother this morning, that’s all. No need to worry about it.” He gave me a tentative smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes, hell it didn’t even reach his nose, so of course I worried.

“Is it about me somehow, cause…”

“No, no…” He took a deep breath and looked at the floor. “I asked Jimmy this morning to come fix this. He insisted that I could do it, but I told him that if it’s more than just a blown fuse I won’t be able to. Not with only one arm.” There was a clear look of frustration on his face when he looked at his prosthetic arm. I wasn’t completely sure, but I thought he whispered ‘useless’, before looking away.

“Hey, listen to me,” I said, keeping my voice low and cupping his cheek, making him look at me. “If it’s more than just a blown fuse I wouldn’t let you or Jimmy or anyone else without a license touch it anyway. I won’t die without power until tomorrow, when I can call an electrician, so please don’t worry about that. It means the world to me that you came all the way here to try and help me with this, really.” He nodded, still pouting, still a little grumpy and I laughed. “Come on, let’s see if we can bring back the light in this house. If not, we’ll just get drunk and complain about it.”

He grabbed the fuses, I turned on the flashlight and we commenced our descent in the dark hole of my basement. This is how horror movies start, I thought as I stepped behind Clyde, lighting the stairs.

“Be careful,” I warned, “there’s a missing step.” There was a not so subtle irony in me saying that exactly as my foot slipped and I fell forward, colliding face first into Clyde’s back with a yelp.

“Are you okay?” came Clyde’s concerned voice from the other side of the back.

“Yeah. I think I found the missing step,” I said, tentatively searching with my foot for the other step, before I even thought to let go of his t-shirt. “I’m sorry if your back now has an imprint of my face in it.”

He laughed. “Four,” he counted, and I whined.

“It was a joke!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, sounding pretty smug. “Hold onto me, please.”

I did as he said and grabbed onto his shoulder. With him acting as my support I managed not to fall anymore, and we both reached the bottom of the stairs in one piece.

The basement was eerie on a good day, and only lit by my flashlight it was downright creepy. I never liked that place, ever since I was a kid, so I took advantage of Clyde’s presence to huddle closer to him. He didn’t seem bothered by the darkness or the creepiness of the place, or by me latching onto his arm for that matter.

“Yep, they’re fried,” he said once we reached the electrical panel. “It must have been quite the power surge.”

“I don’t know, I was sleeping,” I admitted, looking over his shoulder. “I hope it didn’t do a huge damage.”

“We’ll see,” he said, taking out the old fuses and putting the new ones in place. “Are you ready to test it?”

“Should I be scared?” I laughed, but there was a hint of nervousness in my voice. Electricity isn’t a joke and I didn’t really wanna see what it would feel like to be electrocuted.

“No,” he chuckled. “But you can still take a step back.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

He flipped a few switches and fortunately, nothing exploded. I could hear the TV turning on, the music channel blaring at a hellish volume. Oh gods, did I really sleep with it that loud?

“Success!” I yelled and Clyde laughed at me as I stumbled to find the light switch. Now that I had power once again, it felt like I had travelled back to the 21st Century, back to civilization. And all thanks to Clyde. “Thank you,” I said, latching onto his neck, enveloping him into an unexpected hug. He had to bow down a little so I wouldn’t dangle from his neck, but he put a hand on my back, awkwardly returning my hug. I immediately became aware of his scent and of the way my boobs touched his chest. Fuck, this wasn’t good. “Let’s get out of here,” I said, my voice surprisingly high pitched, instantly detaching myself from his neck.

My house seemed much more welcoming now that the appliances were working. Once again it felt like a home, and not a cave in the middle of nowhere where I happened to find shelter. I turned off the TV and the lights that I’d forgotten I had on.

“I was thinking about cooking something,” I said, making my way to the kitchen. “Would you like to stay for whatever this will be, late lunch, early dinner? It’s not gonna be anything fancy, but I’d like you to join me. If you’ve got nothing else better to do, of course,” I trailed off, but I closed my mouth before I started making up excuses. You invited him to stay, now own up to that shit, no buts.

“I should go by the bar and see if nothing happened last night,” he said, looking mildly annoyed that he had to.

“Oh. That’s ok,” I said, a bit disappointed. “But you know, you could always come back,” I offered. He looked at me with such a surprised and hopeful look in his eyes, like this possibility never really occurred to him. “I mean, it’s not that far away, and dinner will be ready by the time you’re back,” I said with a smile.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll… ummm I’ll be back, then.”

“Don’t take too long though, otherwise I’ll eat everything without you!”

He laughed. “Should I bring anything from the bar?” he asked, and it was such a domestic question that it hit me right in the ovaries.

“Grab a few beers of you want. I have vodka, but that’s about it,” I said, checking the fridge.

“Alright,” he said, and stood awkwardly by the door. “I won’t be long.”

“I’ll be waiting.” I stood in the doorway, smiling at him as he backed the car up and left. I felt like a housewife seeing her husband off to work. I laughed and went back inside to cook him dinner, like the good wife I was becoming.

I must admit, if it was just me having dinner that day I would have just cooked the simplest thing that I could put together with the things in my fridge, but I put a little more effort in just for Clyde. It wasn’t exactly Michelin star cooking, but it was my mother’s trusted recipe that I knew everyone loved. Sometimes, the simplest things are the the best, if you put enough love into them. I wasn’t really sure about the love, but I sure as hell put a lot of paprika in it.

Clyde sent me a text while I was cooking telling me he’d be a little late, so I had time to take a quick shower and tidy the place a bit. There was so little furniture in my house that cleaning was a breeze. At first I wanted to set the big table in the dining area, but in the end I decided against it. For just the two of us, it was a lot cozier to eat in the kitchen.

It was already getting darker when Clyde arrived, although I was sure it couldn't be that late. Maybe I’d lost track of time.

“Sorry for taking this long,” he apologized as he handed me a six pack.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. Just a broken window. I’ve checked all the others, and made sure that everything is secured,” he said. “Hopefully, they’ll survive tonight too.”

“You think that it might hit us again?”

“It’s quite possible,” he said, looking out the window, trying to get a glimpse of the sky. “It’s gotten pretty dark all of a sudden.”

I couldn’t see the sky clearly, but I assumed by the gloomy atmosphere he was right. I wasn’t looking forward to another night spent worrying if my roof was going to survive, but I tried to not think too hard about it. I was going to enjoy dinner with Clyde and worry afterwards. I threw one last glance at the vegetation that was already billowing in the wind, turned on the lights to brighten up the room, and set the table.

Clyde seemed to really like my food. He said it was something his grandma used to cook and hadn’t eaten in years. It made me incredibly happy knowing that he liked my cooking, and I was already trying to find ways to get him to eat my food again.

“It’s my mom’s recipe,” I explained. “I can’t make it quite like she does, somehow whenever she cooks it it’s always better.”

“I think your cooking is better,” he blurted, quickly looking into his plate.

“Buttering up the cook is a great tactic if you want seconds and also another portion to go,” I laughed. “Thank you for the compliment, but you haven’t tasted my mother’s cooking yet. You can tell me afterwards if you still like my food better.”

“Well, I did eat your mom’s food. It was a long time ago, though.”

“Really?” I asked genuinely surprised. “When?”

“When we built your mailbox. She didn’t wanna let us leave before she fed us.”

“It means she really liked you,” I said, to Clyde’s pretty visible surprise. “She never invited anyone that she didn’t like inside the house, let alone feed them.” I was starting to regret not being home that summer, it would have been fun getting to know the Logan brothers. Maybe we would have been friends, and who knows, my teenage years might have been much different. “When my mom comes visit I’ll organize a cook off and you’re invited to act as a judge. I really hope you’ll be impartial, but I won’t mind if you favour me in exchange for muffins.”

He laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

“Anyway, I’m gonna help myself to another serving, do you want some more?”

“Yes, please.”

By the time we finished eating, the wind had picked up speed considerably and it was almost dark. I hadn’t looked out the window until the crack of thunder made me almost jump through the roof.

“Are you scared of thunder?” Clyde asked, as I got up to look outside.

“No, just a bit jumpy. Any loud noise startles me if I don’t expect it,” I said, a bit embarrassed. “I think you were right, we may be getting storm part two.”

“It may seem so,” he said, joining me in looking out the window. Another lightning split the sky, followed by the roaring of the thunder. The lights flickered, so I turned off the ones in the kitchen. This way we could see what was going on outside better.

“Doesn’t it bother you?” I asked, leaning on the counter next to Clyde.

“What?”

“Lightning and thunder? I’ve heard it reminds people of war and explosions and… stuff,” I trailed off, feeling increasingly stupid for assuming things, but I needed to know what to expect.

“No, it doesn’t bother me,” he said, matter of factly.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up, and for assuming things.”

“It’s ok. People are different,” he said, and his tone was low and reassuring, no ounce of annoyance or judgement in his voice. He was a really nice person and I was so glad I’d met him. Remembering the circumstances in which we met made me resent my old friends even more. How could they be that shit so such a good man?

Another thunder broke my train of thought and I jumped once again, hitting my knee on a cabinet handle. “It’s ok, I’m gonna be jumpy enough for the both of us,” I mumbled, rubbing the sore spot.

There was a roaring sound in the distance that I thought was just the wind at first, but got louder and louder with every passing second. “What’s that?” I asked, but I got the answer to my question almost instantly, as rain started hitting the roof.

It didn’t start gradually, like I had come to expect, instead it was like the sky suddenly opened and all the rain poured down at once. I couldn’t see much out the window anymore, so I opened the front door and was met with a sudden gust of wind and rain.

“You can’t see six feet ahead,” I almost yelled to make myself heard over the noise, the door barely opened. I knew I couldn’t let Clyde drive in this weather and I felt really guilty for making him stay for dinner. “I’m sorry, Clyde, but I can’t let you go back home in this weather. You’ll have to stay here a little longer.”

Clyde smiled. “If you keep apologizing you’ll soon have to buy me another bar.”

“Oh, shush,” I said, waving my hand and feigning annoyance. “I’m nowhere close.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Well, I have some really expensive vodka, would that be an acceptable way to repay my debt?” I smiled, making my way to the kitchen. He nodded and followed me. “How many?” I asked, taking out the bottle of vodka and two shot glasses.

“Five.”

“So, four shots?”

“Five shots.”

“No! You’re lying,”

“I’m not lying,” he laughed. “Why would I lie?”

“I don’t know,” I said pouring vodka into the glasses and handing him one. “I think you just want this bottle to be empty already so I’ll stop bragging about it,” I laughed. “Or you want to get me drunk enough to actually think I can sing. Cheers!”

While I downed the drink, trying to taste it as little as possible, Clyde actually took his time. I had been joking when I said that I wanted an appraisal, but he seemed to be taking his role as a judge very seriously.

“So, how is it?” I asked, once his glass was finally empty.

“Overpriced. But not bad.”

“Yeah, kinda figured that would be the case. But as I said, it was free and that’s its best quality.”

I poured another round and downed it before I could think too much. It wasn’t the right moment to get drunk with a storm raging outside, but a tiny bit of alcohol would help calm my nerves a little.

“Do you think the rain will let up anytime soon?” I said, looking out the window. I couldn’t see much even if I tried really hard.

“Probably not,” he said with a frown on his face. “It could be raining like this the whole night so I should probably get going.”

“What? No! I’m not letting you drive in this weather, what if you have an accident?” I said crossing my arms, really close to actually stomping my foot. “You’re staying here until it is safe to go home again.”

“What if it doesn’t stop raining all night?”

“Then you’ll sleep here. Does it bother you?” I asked, biting my cheek. I hadn’t considered that he might be uncomfortable sleeping at my place, and now I was feeling double as guilty for making him stay for dinner.

“No, no! I really don’t mind, it’s just…”

“Do you think Jimmy will worry if you’re not home tonight?”

“No,” he said so deadpan that I couldn’t help but laugh. Well Jimmy did send him here and knowing him I was pretty sure he wouldn’t care if he spent the night.

“I’m not sure if you’ll fit on the couch, though, but we’ll figure something out. My bed’s pretty big, I’m sure we could both fit,” I said and winked. Damn you, vodka, and your tongue loosening properties.

Clyde opened his mouth to say something, his cheeks already starting to burn, but his voice was covered by the loudest thunder I had ever heard. It sounded like it hit really close, and for a fraction of a second I thought my house was being ripped apart. I yelped, and nearly knocked over the vodka bottle from the counter. The house went dark.

Masterlist

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[junker-town]

Who’s won Week 1 of the NFL preseason so far?

Photo by Kirk Irwin/Getty Images

Tom Brady’s realtor, Daniel by-god Jones, and the legend of Adam Gase all got major boosts.

The NFL returned last week. Kind of.

The Hall of Fame Game was technically football, just like the cardboard rectangle of Ragu and shredded mozzarella-ish cheese you got in elementary school was technically pizza.

This week, the league countered the preseason’s ongoing lack of quality with a major uptick in quantity. Thursday night unveiled an 11-game slate that could rival what you’ll see on Sundays this fall, assuming you squint really hard or drink until Garrett Gilbert looked like a stretched-out Baker Mayfield. Some games came down to the wire. Ones involving the Lions and Jaguars did not.

We’ll have more winners once Week 1 concludes. Assuming there are winners. But so far, who has won the first true week of the preseason slate?

It certainly was not this first name:

Not considered: David Fales, who lost exactly as many yards as he gained

Fales entered a Patriots-Lions game that was somehow out of reach in the first quarter and walked a sturdy tightrope of awfulness for Detroit. He completed only five of his 14 passes, gaining 62 yards in the process. Impressively, he was also sacked six times — 30 percent of his dropbacks! — for a loss of ... 62 yards.

He wasn’t entirely neutral, however; Fales did manage to throw an interception to defensive end John Simon. It was just as bad as it sounds:

Simon says: #Patriots ball .@johnesimon51 | #NEvsDET pic.twitter.com/wp0ye8r8yK

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) August 9, 2019

Fales was responsible for Detroit’s only three points of the night. His interception led to a Patriots touchdown, however, leaving his impact at a negative-four points.

Now, on to the actual winners of the NFL preseason’s premiere week:

8. Whichever Sotheby’s realtor handles Boston’s high-profile clients

Tom Brady put his Boston-area five-bedroom, seven bathroom estate — which features a 2,400-square-foot guest house and a driveway that parks 20 cars — up for sale this week. Any money he’s left on the table in negotiations with the Patriots will be made up from the bids of too-rich Massholes.

It’ll cost you $39.5 million to cook in a kitchen once stocked with avocado ice cream, or do yoga in the same room where Alex Guerrero once regularly prescribed stretching and hugs to prolong a Hall of Fame career. This is a tremendous Brady-bump — a similar five-bedroom, 8,800-square foot house in the same neighborhood sold for only $5.6 million back in May.

Assuming a six percent commission split between two realtors, the two primary sellers of this estate would clear more than $1 million for making the king of the finance bros’ dream come true. And if multiple Bravo reality shows have taught us anything, it’s that elite realtors are wonderful people who truly deserve this money.

Not considered for this list: Other Chestnut Hill-area realtors

Pitching the opportunity to live in the same neighborhood as Brady and Gisele is easily worth a 10 percent bump in asking price. Now that the neighbors who respectfully declined to attend every neighborhood pot luck are leaving, sellers may have to settle for a mere $1.8 million for their 3,000-square-foot home.

7. Antonio Callaway, who absolutely made this catch

I don’t care what the refs (incorrectly) ruled. This was awesome.

Didn't count but INSANE effort by Callaway pic.twitter.com/pRgqnInqHW

— The Checkdown (@thecheckdown) August 9, 2019

6. Alpine doctors

One of medicine’s more forgotten specialties got a boost this week when Antonio Brown posted a picture of his gnarly feet and invited the world to ask: arrrggggh why?

What could have caused Brown’s feet to develop a rind like a poorly stored wedge of Montgomery cheddar? ESPN analyst Chris Simms originally landed on fungal infection before correcting the culprit to frostbite from a cryotherapy session gone wrong. The Raiders have neither confirmed nor denied this — while the feet were a sticking point on Hard Knocks, though there was no real insight into the cause — but yeah, given the grossness of those feet I’m inclined to believe the most outlandish possible cause for these symptoms.

The question now is when Oakland can expect its superstar acquisition to return to the field.

What makes frostbite diagnosis tricky is that no two cases are identical. However, the photo tends to support the idea that Brown has Stage 2 frostbite, which is characterized with either blistering, or hardened skin — which cracks and peels off. The real risk here is that Brown has done damage to the blood vessels in his feet, which, according to the Summit Medical Group, can take up to six weeks to be revealed.

Hopefully the damage is minor and Brown will be back on the field soon.

Until then, Brown will be working closely with Dr. Bubba. He is a St. Bernard’s with cask of brandy around his neck and, sadly, fictional.

5. The kid whose bike was destroyed by J.J. Watt

Watt returned to his home state when his Texans bunkered down in Green Bay in advance of their preseason opener against the Packers. This afforded him the chance to take part in one of the league’s finest August traditions: riding the bikes of local children who’ve come to watch training camp sessions. Players pick out a waiting child, hand over their helmets, then make the trip down the DreamDrive from the locker room to the field before practice begins.

Watt, the human embodiment of a Great Dane loose at a dog park, promptly crushed his loaner bike.

(video courtesy of @ClintStoerner)

“It was pretty awesome until I broke the bike,” Watt told reporters afterward. “The bike that I was using was not equipped for a 290-pound man. The seat broke off. We have purchased a new bike for the boy, so I apologize for that.”

Watt makes nearly $17 million annually, so the aggrieved child likely came out of this deal with a solid upgrade. Plus he gets to tell his friends about the time a Hall of Famer came to town and ruined his bike for the rest of his life. A nice little Tuesday for him.

4. The ongoing legend of Adam Gase’s, uh, peculiarness

We knew about the eyes — that Gase’s face existed in an atmosphere solely made of whispers informing him his exact time of death. This week we got some insight as to why. The Athletic’s Dan Pompei took a deep dive to explore the foundation of Gase, only to find it’s built from caffeine, coaching cliches, and the self-care of an unattended minor.

“You would get these texts from him until 4 in the morning on a regular basis,” says Tannenbaum, now an ESPN analyst. “I don’t think he sleeps a lot.”

Fueled by five or six 20-ounce cups a day from the Kuerig coffee maker that is an arm’s length from his desk, and maybe a Red Bull here or there, Gase has energy like a power plant. And it doesn’t wane in the wee hours.

There’s also the fact Kevin McCallister had a more responsible diet while left unsupervised in the hit movies Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Well, and pizza. With pepperoni. When Gase was with the Dolphins, his office often was filled with the aroma of a pie from Pizza Loft in Davie. When the owner of the restaurant sold the business, he put a clause in the contract that required the new owner to deliver pizza to Gase every night for one year. So Gase ate pizza every night.

Gase is not likely to prepare a meal on his own. When Jennifer recently left him home alone to dog sit for a day, he texted and asked her to order him lunch from Uber Eats.

This revelation of late-night annoyances and childlike disdain for utensils was quickly swept aside by the fact Gase and his wife scheduled their second child’s Caesarian section around his football schedule. His son Wyatt was born at 10 a.m. in the middle of the 2013 NFL season. Gase was back at the Broncos’ facilities — where he was an assistant coach — to greet Peyton Manning for their weekly sit-down by 2 p.m.

This is all, of course, bonkers. But this? For a preseason game?

Did Adam Gase just take smelling salts before a preseason game? pic.twitter.com/gVINzrkcjW

— Andrew Perloff (@andrewperloff) August 8, 2019

These are not the actions of a successful NFL head coach. They are the actions of a man in a wedding dress attempting to blow a car to smithereens.

3. Former Phoenix College star Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi, who will somehow be played by Mark Wahlberg in the film version of his life

Sheehy-Guiseppi went from sleeping on the grass in Miami to a tryout with the Browns this summer. The former junior college All-American had the slimmest of NFL prospects, but found a landing spot in Cleveland after effectively hustling his way into a workout this summer. His 4.38-second 40 speed earned him the chance to put on a Browns uniform Thursday night, and he once again burst through a door that had only been cracked a sliver.

WHAT A MOMENT Damon Sheehy-Guiseppi returns a punt 86 yards for a TD — and the whole bench clears to celebrate pic.twitter.com/anLZ3EEgAT

— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) August 9, 2019

Everyone on the Cleveland bench went completely apeshit for this return. It turns out they had a pretty good reason.

2. The Patriots’ passing offense without Tom Brady or Rob Gronkowski, somehow

New England got its long-awaited revenge on Matt Patricia Thursday, breaking a months-long losing streak against the Lions by absolutely thrashing Detroit’s second team to start the preseason. That in itself isn’t amazing, but the way the Patriots did it is. Brian Hoyer and Jarrett Stidham combined for 326 passing yards and three touchdowns. Two of those went to undrafted free agent Jakobi Meyers, who sure as hell looks like the latest college-quarterback-turned-receiver to turn Bill Belichicks frown ... into a slightly more neutral frown.

.@jkbmyrs5 for six.#NEvsDET | #GoPats pic.twitter.com/IUm9fkIY7s

— New England Patriots (@Patriots) August 9, 2019

New England needs a big target who can unstick himself from opposing defenders now that Gronk’s gone into the party bus business full time. Meyers looks like he could fit that bill.

1. Giants general manager Dave Gettleman, who may have been right all along

We all had a nice laugh when the Giants selected zero-time All-ACC selection Daniel Jones with the sixth overall pick of the 2019 NFL Draft. We reveled in Gettleman’s long, strange list of justifications for drafting a passer who may have been available at the team’s second first-round pick, or maybe even on Day 2. We marveled when the Giants inadvertently recreated the pointing Spidermen meme in offseason camp.

But it turns out Jones may have been the right pick after all (I am certain I won’t regret writing this in September, of course).

Drive 1: Every single Daniel Jones pass -5/5, 67 yds and a TD Say goodbye, Eli pic.twitter.com/MURmdOceVD

— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) August 8, 2019

It’s Week 1 of the preseason and it was against a Jets team without the best players in its budding secondary, so maybe Eli Manning shouldn’t retreat into retirement just yet. Still, Jones’ solid debut gives at least some hope there’s balm in Gilead for a suffering Giants team that still may not have found the bedrock of its bottoming out.

Jones finished his night as SB Nation’s top-rated rookie passer, though he wasn’t the only young New York quarterback to turn heads Thursday night. Both Sam Darnold and Jones finished their 2019 debuts with perfect passer ratings. That’s literally the best they could have hoped for.

Maybe MetLife Stadium won’t be a swirling vortex of depression this season after all.

[krystangreen-blog]

A lot of travelers find themselves in Beijing because they’ve dreamed of climbing the Great Wall, but they quickly discover that there is so much more to see and do in China’s capital city.

Because there is an exciting mix of historic sites, futuristic architecture, traditional cuisine, modern art, over 100 museums, and fantastic shopping, it can be tough to decide which things to do in Beijing. The Beijing travel tips and ideas below will help you narrow down your options.

Beijing Travel Tips

Traveling in China is surprisingly easy provided you know what to expect. Here are some Beijing travel tips I share when my friends and family express an interest in visiting the city.

Getting Your China Visa

All Americans visiting China need to apply for a visa — even kids. While you can visit the Chinese Embassy and do the paperwork yourself, the lines tend to be long, and there may not be an embassy in your city.

You can save yourself a lot of time and headaches by having a visa processing service do it for you. We use CIBTvisas. Thankfully, Americans are now eligible for a 10-year China visa.

The Best Time to Visit Beijing

Beijing is swelteringly hot and humid — and crowded — in the summer, and it’s cold in the winter. Spring weather is more pleasant, but the short autumn season is the best time of year to visit. Autumn is the most beautiful and temperate time for a trip to Beijing, and you’ll find fewer tourists at the major sites of interest.

Our most recent visit to Beijing with kids was in the summer for my daughter’s Mandarin camp. It was hot, but we were lucky and the rain tempered the heat. The heat is especially challenging at the Forbidden City and Great Wall where there isn’t much shade. Carry a UV umbrella and handheld fan (with a mister) in summer.

Always Carry Some Cash

Most major credit cards are accepted around Beijing, but some restaurant and shop card readers can’t process international cards (they take Alipay or Weibo which only those with Chinese bank cards have access to). However, international credit card usage in our experience is more prominent in Beijing than it used to be.

When you need to withdraw cash, look for ATMs associated with banks because they will use the actual exchange rate for that day.

How to Get Online

Wi-Fi in Beijing is everywhere and often free, but the internet is censored by the government and can be quite slow. You can bypass “The Great Firewall” by paying for a VPN app for your phone, computer, or tablet. It’s easiest to enable the VPN before arriving in Beijing. We use ExpressVPN.

The Language Barrier

Many people in Beijing do not speak English. If you can’t speak Mandarin fluently, it’s nice to learn a few key phrases like hello (nǐ hǎo), thank you (xiè xiè), you’re welcome (bú kèqì), and of course, “Do you speak English?” (Nǐ huì shuō yīng yǔ ma?). In our experience, language translation apps are a disaster. We also lean on our hotel concierges to make reservations and provide directions in English and Chinese.

Always carry the name of your hotel written in Chinese (as the concierge to do this) in addition to the names of the attractions and stops on your itinerary. This way, you can hand the information to a taxi driver and he or she will know where to take you.

Getting Around

The Beijing metro system is modern, safe, and inexpensive though it can be very crowded so you shouldn’t expect to get a seat. One of our favorite ways to get around Beijing is with DiDi – a service very similar to Uber. Once you download the app, you can input a foreign credit card, and then schedule a pickup wherever you are. DiDi offers riders four options: Express (ride sharing), Taxi (metered fares), Premier (best drivers), and Luxe (luxury vehicles). Your driver may not speak English, but the DiDi app includes a messaging translation service so you can communicate with one another via text.

Where to Stay

When it’s time to rest and recharge after a day of exploring the many things to do in Beijing, you can retire to one of this cosmopolitan city’s many beautiful hotels. One thing to be aware of is that the maximum occupancy for most Beijing hotels is three people per room or suite regardless of age, but there are typically family rooms and connected suites available.

Some of my favorite Beijing hotels are:

The Four Seasons Hotel Beijing

Ritz-Carlton Beijing

Aman Summer Palace

The Peninsula Beijing

Bulgari Beijing

The Waldorf Astoria

Things to Do in Beijing

There are so many things to do in Beijing that it can be hard to know where to begin. If you’re pressed for time, make walking along The Great Wall and touring the Forbidden City a priority, and if you’re not, check out the other must-sees on this list.

1. Walk Along the Great Wall

This is one of the top things to do in Beijing, but deciding which section or sections of the wall to visit can be tough.

The section closest to Beijing is Badaling and it is typically the most crowded. It’s also the easiest to reach from Beijing by train or bus and recommended for visitors who are short on time. Many visitors join tours that visit both Badaling and the Ming Tombs on the same day.

If you’re planning a family trip to China, you’ll probably enjoy visiting the Great Wall of China at Mutianyu. At Mutianyu, you can take a cable car up to the wall and then toboggan down, or hike east and take another cable car back down. This is the most kid-friendly place to visit the Great Wall and, while more remote than Badaling, has plenty of tourist amenities like shops, food outlets, and bathrooms.

The Great Wall at Jinshanling allows overnight camping and is an excellent spot for serious but rugged hiking, so may be best for grown-up travelers. At nearly 2.5 hours by car from Beijing, it’s the least crowded of these three popular options.

Resources:

Private Jinshanling tour with a Chinese historian (Context Travel — who we use worldwide)

Group day tour to Mutianyu from Beijing (Klook)

Small group day tour to Mutianyu from Beijing (Get Your Guide)

Badaling and Ming Tombs bus tour (Get Your Guide)

2. Tour the Forbidden City

This is on my list of things to do in Beijing with kids, but keep in mind that touring the Forbidden City means a lot of walking. The entire complex is part of the Palace Museum, with galleries full of fans, jade, bronze statues, stone carvings, and stunning works of Chinese art.

You can explore it on your own with or without a guided headset tour that you can pick up at the Meridian Gate (small fee applies) when you arrive. Unless you come with a good understanding of the 500 years of history and the emperors who lived here, it is helpful to use the audio tour, join a group tour or book a private tour of the Forbidden City. To kids (and maybe some adults), it might otherwise just a set of red buildings and you won’t get the most out of your visit.

We prefer private tours because they allow you to move at your own pace. Our latest guide told the kids (we were traveling with another family) little fun tidbits about how doorway thresholds throughout the palace complex were tall to ward off kneeless spirits (and then try to walk over a threshold without bending your knees). We hit the highlights and gravitated toward shade when necessary.

Resources:

Buy Forbidden City tickets (buy the combination ticket that includes Hall of the Clocks and Hall of Treasures) in advance to skip the ticket queue. Bring a passport for ID to enter. (Klook)

Book a private Forbidden City tour (Context Travel)

3. Chaoyang Park

Anagoria [CC BY 3.0]

This is the largest open green space in Beijing, and it also has a pool, a small human-made beach, and a little amusement park — complete with a carousel, some rides, and several inflatable castles. In the winter, Chaoyang Park becomes a snow sports park with skiing and snow tubing near the west gate. Kite flying is also popular here in good weather.

5. Tiananmen Square

One of the largest city squares in the world, Tiananmen Square has been the site of many important historical events and visiting it is one of the most popular things to do in Beijing.

There are several attractions in Tiananmen Square, including the ten-story obelisk honoring the martyrs of China’s revolutionary struggle, the Great Hall of the People, the National Museum of China, and of course, the Mausoleum of Chairman Mao Zedong (where he rests in peace, on display).

Tiananmen Square is located across the street from the Forbidden City and flanked by the National Museum of China on one side.

Resources:

Tiananmen and the Making of Modern China private tour (Context Travel)

6. The 798 Arts District

This is the hub of Chinese contemporary art in Beijing and a must-see for art-lovers. Here, old factories have been transformed into galleries, studios, and other cultural venues along with some very cool restaurants, cafes, and bars. It’s a beautiful place to stroll as foot traffic far outweighs all other traffic in the district today.

7. The Confucius Temple and Lama Temple

This beautiful temple, which was built in 1302, is the second largest temple constructed to honor the legacy of China’s greatest teacher, politician, and philosopher. Touring the temple only takes about an hour, and the vibe is surprisingly calm and peaceful. It’s a great place to visit when you need a break from the hustle and bustle of Beijing.

Also, the Lama Temple, the most famous Tibetan temple outside of Tibet and an active place of worship, is just a few minutes walk away. I’d recommend visiting both as the Lama Temple is particularly beautiful.

8. Acrobat Shows

We took pictures with the performers after the show courtesy of a friend of mine with connections.

Over the years, we’ve seen traditional acrobat shows all over China, but we’ve particularly enjoyed the one at Beijing’s Chaoyang Theater. There are contortionists, gymnasts, and high wire walkers, but one of the highlights of the show is the finale — an act featuring A LOT of motorcyclists driving at lightning-fast speeds around a surprisingly small wire sphere. We’ve seen the show multiple times and always enjoy it.

Resources:

Buy Chaoyang Acrobat tickets in the VIP section (Klook)

9. The Summer Palace

This is the largest and most well-preserved imperial park in all of China. It is a sprawling and beautiful space full of pavilions, palaces, temples, manicured gardens, absolutely gorgeous architecture, and statues — all designed to exist in perfect harmony with nature.

Resources:

Summer Palace private tour (Context Travel)

Summer Palace mini group tour (Get Your Guide)

10. The Temple of Heaven

More than just a temple, The Temple of Heaven is a complex of three structures — the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests, the Imperial Vault of Heaven, and the Circular Mound Altar — plus a huge park where locals sing, dance, play chess, and practice tai chi.

One interesting feature of the Temple of Heaven is the echo wall around the Imperial Vault of Heaven. If you whisper in the right direction, your voice will be carried from one end of the wall to the other. Kids will love trying out this trick as you pass through.

11. The Hutongs

These labyrinthine passages between the courtyards of traditional residential compounds are more than just alleys. Hutongs are narrow lanes where you’ll find shops, cafes, tea houses, massage parlors, and plenty of locals and tourists going about their business. Nighttime hutong tours are also trendy right now, though you can always wander the lanes on your own.

Resources:

Intro to Beijing: Hip Hutongs private tour (Context Travel)  

Beijing Foodie Tour with Tuk-Tuk through the hutongs (Get Your Guide) 

12. Panjiayuan Antiques Market

Sometimes called the Dirt Market, the Panjiayuan Antiques Market is where thousands of vendors sell authentic and reproduction Cultural Revolution memorabilia from open-air stalls.

Shopping here is a one-of-a-kind experience, and if you do find something you’d like to take home, know that aggressive bargaining is expected and welcome. I visit every time I’m in Beijing as there are many treasures to be had.

13. Beijing Olympic Park

Before the 2008 Beijing Olympics, the city cleared entire blocks to build hotels, sports centers, and other buildings — including the National Stadium (aka the Bird’s Nest) and the National Aquatics Center (also known as the Water Cube).

Both of these venues are open to the public, and the water cube has become a very cool indoor water park with slides, a lazy river, and a wave pool.

14. Eat Local

The food in China is worlds apart from anything you’ll find at your local takeout joint, and one of my number one Beijing travel tips is don’t miss a chance to try the classic imperial dish, Peking duck. Stop into Quanjude or Da Dong, two famous names with multiple outlets across Beijing for extraordinary Peking duck. There is a Quanjude in Wangfujing not too far from the famous snack street (where scorpions on a stick and other photo-worthy delights await).

The noodles, hot pot, and steamed or boiled dumplings in Beijing are also fantastic. We love cong you bing which is a scallion pancake and the Beijing-style soup dumplings, jiaozi tang.

If you’re an adventurous eater, you could try the Beijing specialty luzhu huoshao (which is made of pork lungs and intestines stewed with fried tofu and bread) or street snacks like fried insects on skewers.

Resources:

Beijing Afternoon Foodie Tour (Get Your Guide)

Eat Beijing (A book written by an Airbnb host for where and what to eat — Amazon)

Beijing is one of our family’s favorite cities in the world, and I hope you love it as much as we do. If you’ve been there, what are your must-know Beijing travel tips and favorite things to do in Beijing?

[uncle-ak]

What is Your Language?

“Cards on the table, we are both showing hearts”… guess where that line is from?

One day I was out for a happy hour with coworkers and some of their spouses. I was excited that someone among us could speak French because the opportunity to speak French doesn't happen often. I’m originally from Cameroon a bilingual country (for those who may not know) and I grew up speaking both English and French so I take on the slightest opportunity to speak or write in French because I find that I’m slowly losing the ability to fluently communicate in French. As the saying goes; if you don’t use it (whatever ‘it’ may be), you lose it, just like a muscle.

So while I was enjoying my conversation in French, a coworker’s spouse approached me and asked; “what is your language?” I said; do you mean the language I was speaking before you interrupted or my primary/first language? He said; “what language do you identify with?” I said; English primarily, followed by French. He said: Nope those are not your languages; those are your country of origin’s national language. I laughed and said; well your question was not specific enough, if you are asking about my native language, then I can argue that it is my parent’s native language and they got it from their parents and so on and so forth…

Why am I sharing this story? Well, it is to shed light on how individual perspectives/understanding differ and how being a little more specific could facilitate communication. Also, it is a connection to sharing my perspective about another type of language which in my opinion is interpreted differently by different people and could be complicated to explain and or express. It so happens that we are in the month of February which is commercialized with gifts of chocolates, cards, flowers and all that is involved with loving others a little more publicly or expressing more love or expressing it differently compared to the rest of the year… nothing wrong with that!

What is your primary Love Language? This leads me to the book titled; The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Before delving into my perspective on the book, I have a question; would you say love is a feeling or a choice? I would like to read your thoughts on your answer and why. The few people I’ve had the chance to have this conversation with tend to pick a side without articulating why? There’s no right or wrong answer, it is based on individual experiences/perspectives. I’ll share my thoughts as I read those shared.

Switching gears a little bit; a topic I'd like to have a conversation about is unconditional love. In my humble opinion, only God’s love for us (humans) is unconditional, followed by the love from parents to their children which could sometimes feel like it is conditional depending on how the love is given versus how it is received and if love is viewed as a choice or a feeling or if it is relative based on the type of relationship/connection. I feel that human love for each other is it in a family setting or romantic or platonic relationship is somewhat conditional. Permit me to explain before we get all wired-up! I know that 1 Cor 13: 4-8 in the Bible reads Love is patient, love is kind… etc and I totally agree with what love is or should be according to that.

Now let me flip the script; as humans would we always love those who are not honest with us? Assuming love is too deep a word to use, let us use ‘like’. Are we going to like someone who disrespects us and or who doesn’t reciprocate our efforts? Our goal could be to strive to love unconditionally but recognizing and admitting that human love/like for each other is more conditional than unconditional is the first step in the journey. I once came across something along the lines of, if you can honestly replace someone’s name in the place of Love is… for example; Person A is Kind, Person A is patient…etc then you’ve found a true/real one.

Keeping in mind that no one is perfect and may not be able to fulfill all that love entails based on those verses. Also be reminded not to take them for granted because as humans we are flawed and can only tolerate so much. Also, be reminded that we are called to do unto others as we would have done unto us. Pretty much treat others the way we would like to be treated. If we can't swallow the medicine we dispense to others then it will help to rethink our thoughts/actions. Think for a second; if someone had to give us a taste of our medicine, how would we feel?

Another side to this love coin is that it tends to come with expectations, hence conditional I would say. Love and fear are said to be the only two real emotions, everything else comes from it. Saying “I love you” with the underlying expectation that the other person will say “I love you too” is conditional love in my opinion and could have been said out of fear of it not being reciprocated. Our pain comes from having rigid expectations of how love should be. We can only truly love others if we truly love ourselves. Certain expectations lead to attachment/holding on as a result of fear and when certain conditions aren’t met, resentment sets in. Can we love without expectations/conditions? oh, by the way, this isn’t about telling you how to love or not to love, it is about recognizing the pattern/cycle we spin in because we can only improve on something if we acknowledge it for what it is. This is not to say we shouldn’t have expectations and or standards, we should, however, be open to realizing that sometimes some expectations may result in attachment/holding onto something that isn’t there and may lead to resentment.

Prior to Aug 2015, I used to send text messages expecting a response within a certain time frame especially since WhatsApp has that double blue checkmark indicating that the person has received/seen your message. I deactivated that feature; as such my last seen online is deactivated, I can't know who views my WhatsApp statuses and others can't know whether I've seen their statuses. People interpret deactivating that feature as being secretive. We are all entitled to our opinions/thoughts of why people do what they do. I, however, did that to free myself of certain expectations; one of which was expecting a response to a text just because the double-check marks turned blue, or just because someone was last seen online at a certain time means they should have responded to my message or posting something on WhatsApp status expecting that a particular person will see it before the 24hrs elapse.

 I used to expect that people would render me a favor because I rendered them a favor. I had a mental shift which now translates to; I do what I do because I can, because I am able to and because I want to. Not necessarily with the expectation that they will do the same for me nor because I “have to.” No worries about being taken for granted or taken advantage of because the favors are done out of ‘want to’ not ‘need to’ nor ‘have to’ and I believe that when you do good deeds, it is returned to you in other aspects least expected and not necessarily by those you rendered the good deed to. 

So herewith a few things I have learned about this thing called love from my experience thus far and from reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and bits and pieces from other books/articles I can’t quite pinpoint at this moment. The five love languages for those who aren’t familiar with them are; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. Learning about our primary and secondary love languages as well as those of our significant others, siblings and friends help facilitate communication. How would it facilitate communication? Take, for example, I won’t respond to each love language the same way that I would respond to my primary love language and as such, the person portraying it may feel unappreciated and that could create a ripple effect.

We tend to live by and express our primary love language the most. My primary love language is acts of service. I love the efforts people put into being of service to others. It doesn't have to be something grand; something as simple as holding the door for the person behind me, volunteering, helping someone carry their groceries, and helping someone out with chores. Some of the most simple acts of service that warm my heart are; handing me a throw/blanket when I’m sitting on the couch or me waking-up to being covered after falling asleep on the couch. Another would be a made-up bed, a homemade meal or a simple cup of herbal tea. Also, getting a ride especially to an area I don't like driving to, someone helping me parallel park my car because I don’t like doing it. Adding to the list would be having deep thought-provoking conversations which I see as service of time and act of the mind/brain but could potentially fall under the love language of quality time (aka QTs… hehe) which happens to be my secondary love language. I love sharing time and space with people who intrigue me. I love the experience of time shared. #momentsshared

I learned from reading this book that people can only love you the best way they know how to. Not understanding another person's primary way of receiving love which is their love language can lead to misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict. For example, I can't expect someone whose primary love language is receiving gifts to love me in an act of service way. Me loving someone in an act of service way and they not reciprocating it the way that I want could lead to feeling unappreciated. But if I understand their love language and they understand mine, it clears out some of the miscommunication/misunderstandings which could build-up over time and lead to conflict.

Do you know your primary and secondary love language? If not I’d suggest you find out as well as that of your partner/significant other, close family members, close friends or better still, read the book for more in-depth knowledge on how to put love into practice/action. Then thank you for making that effort to communicate better. Link to an online love language quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

There happens to have been a guest on Sitmpod; Netty and D who shared their experience mentioning the love languages. Link.

Composed By: Manekeu N Ndoping 

[brett-buckner-the-dirt]

  The first phase of my retirement plan fell into place with a call from an unknown number early this summer. Jellybean is gonna be a movie star. Well, I think the actual term is “featured extra,” but stars don’t fret with labels. That’s the job of their manager, or in this case – me.

I am serving as Jellybean’s manager … also her agent, publicist, assistant, press agent and eventual biographer.

But in my many roles as star-maker, I might have to add one other: World’s Worst Parent. This is a remarkable accomplishment in a business we call show that already includes the nightmarish likes of Kris Jenner, Michael Lohan, and that Mommie screaming about “no wire hangers … EVER!”

Back to the phone call.

I was doing yard work when the phone rang. Normally, I wouldn’t answer calls from unknown numbers, assuming it’s that automated call saying my car’s warranty was about to run out, and since my Kia had 220,000 miles on it, somebody’s scamming me. But I answered this call, because I just knew it was important.

It was destiny calling. (Damn, that’s good. I’ll use that for the biography).

Turns out is was one of Jellybean’s teachers from the Springer Summer Camp she’s attended for the past 4 years or so. There was movie being filmed in Columbus and the director was looking for some kids to serve as “featured extras,” meaning they wouldn’t have lines, but they would have a bit of screen time in which they would be … well … featured.

The first step was to come down to the studio and meet the director and to see what he thought.

“Did I think Abbey would be interested?”

“Totally,” I answered without a second thought.

I didn’t consider asking Jellybean if she wanted to be in a movie ‘cause – Duh? What kid, or hell, what grow-up for that matter, didn’t want to be in a movie?

Soon as I hung up, I texted the Lovely Mother of My Children with the news. Jellybean had been discovered. After the initial excitement wore off, she responded with a series of questions that prove that she is the level-headed one of the bunch:

What was the movie called?

What was it about?

What was Jellybean’s role going to be?

Would she miss school?

Were we supposed to be there?

How would we know if she was safe?

It was at this point that I realized that I hadn’t asked the caller a single question. This was how Linda Blair got cast in The Exorcist, because her parents never bothered to ask the title of the movie. Next thing they knew, their sweet little 5-year-old daughter is getting whiplash from a demon and doing unspeakable things with a crucifix.

Or it could be some trashy film with Showgirls-level nudity (or acting for that matter). But this was just a test, I rationalized. She probably won’t even get the part. Not that my daughter isn’t the most adorable and talented first-time actress the world’s seen since Tatum O’Neal, but Hollywood is a cruel mistress. It’s best not to get one’s hopes up.

She got the part.

It wasn’t until Jellybean’s Lovely Mother and I arrived on set for the casting, that we learned the movie’s title: “Electric Jesus.”

My honest first reaction – Oh, crap! I DO hope it’s not like one of those Left Behind movies, or, worse yet, one of those preachy movies staring Kirk Cameron. But, with a title like “Electric Jesus,” we’re at least safe in assuming it’s not gonna be a Tarantino film, or Kevin Smith cuss-fest. (Full Disclosure: Dogma is one of my favorite movies of all time. Alanis Morisette as God? Genius.)

According to electricjesus.com: “In 1986 hair, metal was king. Bands like Bon Jovi, Poison, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Motley Crüe, and Ratt ruled the airwaves… and spawned a thousand copycat bands and millions of head-banging teenage fans. At the same time, evangelical Christians – in an attempt to distance themselves from the hedonistic subculture of metal and preach the Gospel – promoted a cottage industry of Christian metal bands. 1986 was the peak of this push. While super-group Stryper found fame outside of Evangelical circles, dozens of “white metal” bands thrived within the wholesome Christian youth group culture of sprawling suburban America. ELECTRIC JESUS is about one of those bands.”

Wow. Talk about perfect. I’m a child of hair metal, having once convinced my mother to buy Stryper’s cassette, “To Hell with the Devil,” because they were Christian and “to hell” meant that getting rid of the devil, so that had to be good, right? Granted, I also loved W.A.S.P. and the like, but a 12-year-old will say anything to get his rock-on.

I passed all my love and knowledge of metal on to Jellybean. Fortunately, her Lovely Mother also passed on all of her gifts for talent and stage presence.

Her favorite musical – Rock of Ages.

She’s watched Tommy Lee’s revolving drum solos from the “Girls, Girls, Girls” tour on YouTube.

She can name each member of KISS.

She’s known every word to “Jukebox Hero” since she was 5.

She knows that Van Halen’s had two lead singers (no, I don’t count Gary Cherone), and that David Lee Roth will always be the band’s TRUE frontman though Sammy Hagar was still pretty awesome.

She wears a Def Leppard T-shirt without irony and knows Rick Allen got his arm yanked off in a car wreck but that it didn’t stop him from continuing to be a righteous drummer.

She was the perfect choice to play Katie, the playful little sister to Scotty (Caleb Hoffmann) described as “surfer boy handsome drummer for a small town Christian heavy metal band; bit of a clown, not-too-smart, loves Jesus.”  It also didn’t hurt that Electric Jesus would be staring Brian Baumgartner, AKA Kevin Malone from The Office, Jellybean’s all-time favorite show, which she quotes often and irritatingly.

The first day of shooting came by surprise. I just happened to check my email at like 11 p.m. the night before to discover that she was to be “on set” by 8 a.m. Waking her up that morning to tell her the news, rather than excitement, Jellybean was concerned about missing school.

She got over that quickly.

On set, we soon discovered the true meaning of, “hurry up and wait.” That’s what she and I did. But even that was still pretty cool. She eventually sat in the make-up chair and had her hair professionally done. She got to go to the costume trailer and pick out some clothes to wear, and we got to eat lunch with the whole crew from craft services.

We were also within staring distance of “Kevin from The Office” as I continued to refer to Brian, but couldn’t convince Jellybean to go and ask for a photo. She wouldn’t do it even after I shared one of my life’s greatest regrets: Seeing Kip Winger reading Hit Parader in B. Dalton’s but being too nervous to get his autograph.

“Who’s Kip Winger?” she said. Clearly she missed the point. Turns out Jellybean is way cooler than her dad.

After a few hours she was called back for shooting and I was left to read and wait in the sanctuary of the church where they were shooting. This would be something of a running theme over her entire three days of filming, which was spread over a couple of months.

Jellybean’s Lovely Mother, pulled the shortest straw, however. She and Jellybean spent some eight hours in a stuffy church gym waiting for the weather to clear up, so they could shoot their outdoor scenes.

Just chillin’ while waiting for her call to set.

It never did.

Finally, on the third day – this time I was the one sitting around in a stuffy gym – Jellybean and the other featured child extra, emerged to the sound of applause and shouts of “that’s a wrap for the kids.” That was it. We went home and returned to our lives, just like regular people. Jellybean only begrudgingly told her best friends about it and was really annoyed when they “told everybody.”

My daughter is so grounded. That’ll serve her well as a superstar.

We don’t know exactly when Electric Jesus will hit the theaters, or the Blu-Ray rack, or Netflix/Hulu, but the coolest thing is that Jellybean finally got the nerve to ask Kevin from The Office for a photo (he also said Jellybean looked just like his sister when she was little). He was a very nice guy, just like you’d expect.

Oh, and Jellybean will get paid for her talents. As her manager, I’m only taking 15 percent. Retirement might have to wait, but at least we can afford plastic hangers.

It took some goading, but Jellybean got her photo taken with Kevin from The Office (AKA Brian Baumgartner).

A star is raised The first phase of my retirement plan fell into place with a call from an unknown number early this summer.

[tchildrensguide]

Shooting, child abduction vehicle located, Motorist, Kids missing

Shooting, Kid abduction Car located, driver, children missing

Shooting, child abduction vehicle situated, driver, children overlooking

By: Don Bishop

December 14 2017 9:46 PM

Tulsa, Okla. –  Tulsa authorities have located the vehicle attached to your fire and the abduction of two children from a home near Apache and Yale.

The automobile was discovered across 9:15 p.m. Thursday at 1000 North Winston, near Pine and Yale.

The car had been abandoned without a sign of this motorist Jason Myers Jordan.

He’s accused of shooting at a relative during a challenge and leaving the scene together with two children around 4:53 p.m. Thursday near 2400 North Winston.

The children are 1-year older Andi Aliyah Rayne along with old Jace Allen Jordan.

We are told Jordan has a record with authorities.

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A guy opened fire on two police officers that had been 15 feet away from him on Thursday afternoon, striking them with bullets which would have hit their chests or even for their bulletproof vests, according to multiple reports >> Read trending news The vests might have saved the officers’ lives, KTVI reported. The group had been speaking following the shooting in Bellefontaine Neighbors and conscious, as stated by the news station. They had been released from a hospital on Thursday afternoon after undergoing treatment for their injuries, St. Louis County police said. Bellefontaine Neighbors Mayor Bob Doerr told that the St. Louis Post-Dispatch the injured officers were a 44-year-old male sergeant who’d worked in law enforcement for “half his life” and a 25-year-old female police officer that had been hired in 2014. ‘They’re wearing their bulletproof vests, so thank God,’ Doerr older the Post-Dispatch The officers were wounded around 7:30 a.m. later being called Thursday morning to a home in north St. Louis County where a man was suspected of having fired multiple shots on Wednesday night, KTVI reported. Police left the home Wednesday after discovering no evidence to carry on an evaluation, St. Louis County authorities Sgt. Shawn McGuire  told KMOV. He told the news station a neighbor called police after spotting. Officials stated they found that the person walking in the region and tried to talk to him, however St. Louis County authorities said they had been unsuccessful. “Trainers tried to take the suspect in custody, at which time the suspect resisted arrest,” police said.   “Among the officers attempted to use a Taser to restrain the suspect, but was unsuccessful.” Authorities said the man then pulled a gun and fired shots at the officers’ chests. Among those officers returned fire, but it was not immediately clear if the guy was hit. He hurried into a home, prior to police officers could take him into custody where he barricaded himself for hours. Witness Steve Jones advised KMOV he spotted police officers Thursday morning on Bellefontaine Road in a home’s front lawn. “All of a sudden, I (see) … Bellefontaine officers seeking to shoot this guy to the ground, and the next thing I understand, this guy jumps up off the ground and I see pepper spray being set up in the officers,” Jones  told KMOV. “This guy backs up about 15 feet and starts shooting.” He said that he heard gunshots and saw the officers drop. He advised KMOV. Authorities did not immediately identify the guy accused of firing shots at possibly of the injured officers.

The tide of controversy associated with charges of sexual harassment which has swept the country and Capitol Hill, forced another lawmaker from the U.S. House to leave his occupation, as Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX) announced on Thursday afternoon he wouldn’t run for re-election in 2018, confessing his staff managment had been “self-evident” “I didn’t have any clue how to run a brand new office,” Farenthold said in a Facebook video. “I permitted a workplace culture to take root in my workplace which was overly permissive and decidedly unprofessional,” the Texas Republican added. While Farenthold said he had allowed ‘destructive gossip, off-hand remarks, off-color jokes,” he refused charges of sexual misconduct which had swirled around him. “I want to be totally clear, the charges which were made are untrue,” he said. Farenthold had already vowed to repay an $84,000 payment made by Congress to some former staffer, who had alleged sexual misconduct — however lately, it became clearer that remaining in Congress becoming a more and more precarious circumstance. “I had a couple of discussions with Blake Farenthold yesterday,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan at a press conference. “There are stories which are very disconcerting,” that the Speaker added. “I think he is making the perfect decision to retire,” that the Speaker added. Asked about obligations — such as those manufactured in the Farenthold instance — Ryan said there is in factn’t a ‘particular fun’ for members of Congress, rather it comes from the exact same sort of payments made to employees in the Legislative Branch to get all kinds of things that become legal issues. . @SpeakerRyan: Rep. Blake Farenthold ‘is creating the ideal decision to retire. There are stories which are disconcerting.’ Https://t.co/68oHZbA4M3 pic.twitter.com/m1ARpavKdp — ABC News Politics (@ABCPolitics) December 14, 2017 The decision by Farenthold will be the most up-to-date in a string of stories about lawmakers and sensual misconduct — every week, they forced the resignations of two House members, Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) and Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ), in addition to Sen. Al Franken (D-MN). While Farenthold’s announcement imagines him finishing out his current term in Congress, there is still a pending investigation against him in the House Ethics Committee; it is still possible that may alter the calculus due to his passing. Currently, 20 currently-serving members of the home have decided not to run for re-election in 2018, yet another 17 are operating to get a different political office — that’s a 9 percent shift — with much more likely on the way.

Thursday marks the anniversary of the fatal mass. On Dec. 14, 2012, Adam Lanza, 20, first shot and killed his mother, then went to the school, opened fire and killed 20 children and six staff members before killing himself.> PHOTOS: Scenes from Sandy Hook In accordance with the Hartford Courant, the town is paying tribute to the victims this season with a temporary exhibit featuring photographs of the pupils and teachers that were killed in the shooting. “We request that you devote a couple of minutes in silent reflection as we recall the lives of those vibrant young children and caring adults that were part of the essence of this community as students, teachers and friends,” reads a sign at the display. “All these so tragically killed on that day were greatly loved by their families and friends and they continue to be loved and missed every day.” The display will be on display through Friday, WTIC reported.> Read more trending information   Additionally, town offices will shut for a moment of quiet reflection from 9:30 to 9:45 a.m. Wednesday. Trinity Church will also sponsor an interfaith service at 7 p.m., and St. Rose Church will hold a mass at 7:30 p.m., according to   WTIC. Earlier this week, Sandy Hook Promise, a nonprofit group made by parents of two of the victims, published a public service announcement urging individuals to become familiar with the warning signs resulting in mass shootings.> Watch the PSA here

Good news for drivers that frequent that the Broken Arrow Expressway in Tulsa. City officials have confirmed work has begun to reestablish the light. So far, lane closures have not been necessary, but which will change. KRMG’s advised an interior lane will be closed between South Columbia Avenue and South Sheridan Road starting at 9 a.m. Expected job schedule:  Friday, Dec. 15, at 9:01 a.m., through Monday, Dec. 18, at 5:59 a.m. for westbound work.     Friday, Jan. 5, at 7:01 p.m., through Monday, Jan. 8, at 2:59 p.m., for eastbound work.     Friday, Jan. 12, at 7:01 p.m., through Monday, Jan. 15, at 5:59 a.m., if necessary. The city has also published a statement about the repairs.   “The street lights are inoperable since vandals stole the copper wiring that carries the power to the lighting. From street lights citywide, about 34 miles of copper was stolen over the past two years, including on the Broken Arrow Expressway. To discourage thieves, crews have replaced the copper cables with aluminum and place decals on each pole stating — in both English and Spanish — “We utilize aluminum.” Through the efforts of both City Traffic Operations employees and contractor teams, 85 percent of this damaged lighting was repaired, finishing Phase I of this citywide project to revive highway light. Stage II of this project comprises the Broken Arrow Expressway and the Inner Dispersal Loop (airports encompassing downtown). Stage II is scheduled for completion in late 2018.”    

Under fire from Republicans, ” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein defended the job of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, warding off repeated inquiries from GOP lawmakers who charge Mueller has gathered several senior officials who had been pro-Hillary Clinton and also anti-Donald Trump. “This is incredible,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), that chastised Rosenstein like the Ohio Republican demanded more information a week from the FBI Director, taking aim at several leading FBI officials, whose own private texts revealed them with very little esteem for President Trump. “Just how having a straight face this particular group of Democrat partisans are impartial, and will provide President Trump a fair shake?” Asked Rep. Steve Chabot (R-OH). “I’m unaware of any impropriety,” Rosenstein said when asked about the Mueller probe, ” as he said he was convinced that Mueller wasn’t conducting a tainted investigation. However, Republicans n’t backed off. . @RepSteveChabot: ‘Allow me to just review some details about the allegedly ‘impartial’ set of individuals that Mr. Mueller pulled together…’ pic.twitter.com/SldT1NwP8O — Fox News (@FoxNews) December 13, 2017 It was all part of this latest GOP drive to undermine confidence in the the Special Counsel’s analysis of Russian infantry to the 2016 elections, and some links to President Trump’s effort, which saw fresh momentum with the release of text messages out of 2016 between certain senior Justice Department officials. The texts comprehensive a string of verbal put downs of Mr. Trump through the effort, using flowery language which many GOP lawmakers refused to read out loudly at Wednesday’s hearing. ” Some of the G-rated texts referred to Mr. Trump as “dreadful,” an “idiot,” plus a “loathesome human being.” Strzok/Page texts acquired from Fox’s @JakeBGibson ‘LP — I cannot think Donald Trump is likely to be a real, serious candidate.’ — Shannon Bream (@ShannonBream) December 13, 2017 “We realize that we have workers with political views,” Rosenstein said at a single stage. “And it is our responsibility to be sure those remarks don’t affect their activities. By top Rosenstein Democrats played with damage management. “Your testimony today is that you think Bob Mueller is a person of high ethics?” Asked Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA). “Yes,” Rosenstein responded. “You believe that investigation is being conducted rather,” Swalwell requested. “Yes,” said Rosenstein. But Democrats also came following Rosenstein occasionally, as the Deputy Attorney General was repeatedly pressed to tell whether he had been called on the telephone by the President, also advised to research certain people or issues — Rosenstein repeatedly warded off these questions too. “You are being really artful in jumping around and evading,” Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) told Rosenstein at a stage, alerting Rosenstein to disagree. “Are you really afraid of President Trump firing you?” “No, I’m not,” Rosenstein said, flashing a huge grin at the vanity table.

from Childrens guide http://www.the-childrens-guide.com/shooting-child-abduction-vehicle-located-motorist-kids-missing/

[myyellowsunflowers]

I hate my father. I didn't grow up hating him. But for most of my memories now, it's pretty much negative, since it made up of 11 years of my life (currently 25).

When I was young, he used to dote on me, and he treated my mum's side of the family like his true family, and it was definitely reciprocated. Everyone really loved him. When Ahma had very bad wounds, as a medic, my dad cleaned her wounds every day after discharge when no other children dared to do it for ahma. This is one of the many examples of how good a man he was.

My parents met in their twenties, and there was a period of time when my paternal grandma went US (quite a long period of time actually), my dad started staying with my mum and her family. Ahma cooked everyday for him and they were all very close.

Dad was an aspiring entrepreneur. He had a joint venture, a engineering company with his best friend. My mum was an account assistant. All I could remember is that dad was hardly home and he would come home in the wee hours like 3am. He worked hard, but efforts did not pay off. He did not bring home any salary and mum was taking care of the entire family with her own pay which is v minimal. His partner even hired illegal immigrants, and we were so worried sick that one day they might get caught. Eventually my dad decided to pull out of the business venture, and he did not even get a single cent. He did not have the guts to get any money from his partner.

How did we get to stay in a private property? My mum had v good luck and won lots of lottery. So much to be able to afford a private house. However it's the first mistake. My dad did not contribute to the payment of the house, nor the numerous mercedes they changed over the years.

The problem occurred when our neighbor, Mark, approached my dad for mlm. Herbalife and nuskin. My dad was stupid enough to believe that he can make it big too. My mum bring stupidly supportive gave him lots of money when he had to buy products to hit the target. He had no customers, he had to buy the products himself to barely hit the target. And soon, my mum couldn't afford out anymore, and they started having credit card debts. And he still insisted on continue this mlm thing, and even went for many courses to 'become a better person'. These courses costs thousands of dollars as well.

After this failed mlm venture, he decided to sell chocolates. My mum quit her job to help him. I was in primary school and I helped to sell as well. Also a waste of money and time. There were simply so much debt, we sold our house to come back to our current flat we have now.

I wonder if the flat is cursed. The previous owner sold it to us as they were gonna get divorce. We bought it and soon there were more problems.

After the chocolate venture, my uncle introed my dad to work for a fashion jewellery company. Income was stable. However he met this woman, a third party.

Mum only found out when his phone bills exploded for two consecutive months when he usually barely uses his phone. Yes, mum pays for ALL THE BILLS. She buys all the things he use, his clothes etc. He would say that his shoes are spoilt, and my mum would buy one pair almost immediately. My mum may not be the prettiest or the most gentle wife, but for sure is she supportive and generous. In fact it's her weakness that she is so supportive and generous.

And yet, my dad fell for this third party. He confessed when mum confronted him. I was 14 then, sad and scared, I hid under the blanket acting as if I was asleep.

He said he liked the girl cause she is young. My mum is old and the feeling is just now fresh anymore. And he actually compared it to me and my then bf. That his relationship is like mine, new and fresh. It is not. You are married, and you have no rights to have another fresh relationship with another woman outside. Her name is LINDA KOR AH LIAN aka kugualian, and I'll never ever forget nor forgive. All she wanted was his money. Little did she know that my dad is worthless financially. And my dad actually had the cheek to ask for money from my mum to give to kugualian.

My mum beared with all of his nonsense until this fateful day. The father's day of 2008. My dad, mum and I went to visit my paternal grandma. During that period, the channel 8 show was regarding infidelity. Grandma couldn't stop blaming the husband for having anther woman outside of his family. After that, my dad drove us back and dropped us at our bus stop, and he said he is gonna go out. My mum was unable to control her emotions anymore and he forced him to come home through many calls. It was a night I will never forget. Everyone quarreled with everybody. My grandma wanted to hit him and my dad was egging her on. Shouting ensues, while I sat under the clock, crying, hugging my knees, with gigi and snowy by my side.

To think I made a father's day card for him. As he packed up, I threw lots of little notes, asking why he would wanna leave the family, leave me. Till date I don't have my answer.

Eventually, he left home that day. My paternal grandma actually reprimanded my mum for letting him go, as if it was her fault for his infidelity. As if mum is holding on to his money and property, that she had a good life because of him. What a joke. Till date, she still asks me to take care of my dad, without ever mentioning my mum in my future life plans. She hated my mum since the first day they dated. But yes, I digress. I sent many hate messages to that fucking woman, just as she deserved. I never regretted my actions, except that I should have taken a step further. I was too weak.

We should have let him go forever, filed for divorce when we had proof. Instead, all the parties involved met to talk about this. I remember that night, my dad grabbed my hand make me sit beside him. I was too weak to say no. I was wrong to follow. The woman was unscrupulous. Both my dad and her denied their relationship when my dad confessed the first time my mum asked. He was such a bad liar, but my mum was weak. So was I, so we didn't do anything about it.

One week later, his friend made him come home, made us accept.We willingly accepted, hoping it will be a whole new start. I remember, he looked so haggard. I heated up the soup for him, at that instant, I felt hope.

It didn't last. I rmb I was in his car one day. He reprimanded me for texting that woman. He was disappointed that I'm such a person. I can't believe he said that. And he actually expected me to apologize to her. I was weak, all I wanted was peace. I apologized unwillingly. And he scolded me for confiding in my then bf, for making him lose face.

Even though he came back, he heart never came back, even until now. He still asked for money from mum for her. He refused to talk to my grandparents, and yet they cared for him, cooking every meal for him. Grandma even asked me to eat less, so he can have breakfast the next day and bring it out for lunch. I didn't even have my dinner, and she was so ready to sacrifice me for this lousy son in law who hurt her daughter so much.

My dad decided that working for the fashion jewellery company was touch despite the stable income. So he wanted to drive taxi. He didn't even had 2k for the deposit. My mum had to borrow money to support him. Till date, he still haven't repaid her this money. Also not counting all his fines for speeding, illegal parking etc.

Things just progressed. He doesn't talk to anyone. At least he was finally contributing to the familythru stable monthly salary. I was lucky my grades were good enough for a scholarship, if not I'll be still repaying my tuition fee loan. It just progressed til he doesn't come for any gatherings anymore (we still went for cny for his family wtf).

I just can't understand. It progressed to the extent when he didn't even care about the dogs anymore. He refused to bring gigi to the vet when she was v sick. She passed away shortly. Did he even shed a tear? No. What about snowy, he didn't even pet her anymore. He didn't even asked what happened to her when she disappeared forever. He is a monster.

Then one day he refuse to give mum any money at all. Refused to ever send me to work anymore. And that was the breaking point. He was still using all our stuff. Stuff mum bought. He always ate all the stuff without caring for others. When mum confronted him, he was like why should he ask? Why does he even need to ask before eating or using anything since it's his home? Honestly, whenever I ate something that wasn't bought by me, I inform my family every time. He just doesn't have the basic courtesy at all. He said we always threw stuff away without consulting him. Truth is, he bought none of those stuff. He didn't give mum any money, didn't buy any stuff for the family, what was his business caring? He scolded ahgong for the stuff thrown when it wasn't his fault at all. He just liked bullying ahgong cause he was the easiest to bully. If you are truly unhappy, you should have spoke to mum instead of bottling up and having another woman. This excuse is so bad it's like he didn't even bother coming up with a good one.

So the war begins. Everyday his goal is to make mum unhappy, doing everything he can. Eating all our food, using all our stuff. When ahma confronted him, he said he hadn't treated her as a mother in law since the conflict started. Hey, she was fucking washing your clothes, cooking stuff specially for you. How dare you treat her this way.

So the latest update is the war of the TV. He asked mum to move away the TV when she confronted him about him watching tv when he didn't pay for anything. So, I removed the tv cable. Since he didn't pay for it. Fuck. He removed the video cable and mum was unable to watch her dvds anymore. He had no right. Cause he didn't pay for anything, not even the wire. He had no right. I was going to change the wifi password, but mum refused, fearing for the safety of my grandparents. Sigh. Mum confronted him despite me dissuading her (cause I do not like him knowing that he managed to make mum unhappy. In fact I encouraged her to smile at him all the time just to spite him, but she just couldn't). He actually did not have the guts to own up. Seriously. If you have the guts to do it, have the guts to own it.

I regret my actions. For hoping that there will be a second chance. I regret buying him birthday gifts every year, giving him monthly allowances, it was my weakness and stupidity for thinking that he will want good for me. And believe me, he doesn't want me to have happiness. He actually wanted to confront my fiance, and warn him about my family, about how crazy we are. Truth is, he made my family crazy. He was so selfish as to want to ruin my happiness, my marriage, for his ego. He is truly selfish. I cannot bring myself to forgive or forget.

I'm never gonna be so weak, and I must not forget.

And I will remember the lessons learnt.

1) never buy something you cannot afford.

2) don't gamble

3) mlm fucks you up no matter what the 'sapphire' or 'diamond' member says

4) practice open communication

5) don't die die also want to have your own business

6) be contented with a normal life

7) be mindful of credit cards

8) always be filial to your parents

9) created special moments to keep the fire going in your love life. Love required active effort for maintenance, and we should not look elsewhere when no longer feel the fire anymore. You will never stop looking for a next person if that's the case.

10) be strong. I can live without him. I don't need to beg him to love me.

11) some family are just not worth having.

I'm rambling. I should think thru and write in a format that makes more sense. But whatever, nobody reads. I am just trying to make myself feel better. Do I feel better? No. I will not until he leaves. I'm really in so much pain I want to give up. Oh wells, may the next decade of my life be better.