#however I know people in my class are queerphobic

[aroaceloverofgarlicbread]

I’m thinking if I should come out as trans to my parents at my birthday, which is in like a month and a half.. apparently it’s easier to transition the younger you are, however I don’t want my classmates to know so that’s kinda a problem.. idk I might just wait till I’m 18, seems best, but maybe I’ll tell them earlier idk

[roebeanstalk]

tonight i went out to see the boy and the heron, the latest (last?) miyazaki film. the theatre i go to is this small, two or three screen theatre that's pretty chill. their tickets are cheap, their concessions are cheaper, and the theatres are pretty good. there's no stadium seating, but there is a slight incline so your views don't usually feel too blocked. there aren't a lot of automated light cues. something about this theatre always makes me feel like i'm really in a community. seeing movies in person makes me feel fucking good.

i go alone usually, and afterwards i walk around the path by the river for a while, looking at all of the buildings and lights and streets and people. i always try to take a picture with my phone, and no matter how many settings i tweak, i can't get it to look as nice as it feels. i walk my way back to the bus stop and wait for the bus.

tonight, it was nineteen minutes out. and i had to pee. i paced back and forth for a while, awkwardly positioning myself when someone would walk by so that i didn't appear to be a threat. then, moving again realizing that i probably now looked suspiciously like a threat. i was cold enough or walked it off enough that i could sit down without feeling like i was going to piss everywhere.

sitting there, i just was really aware of how often i'm afraid while i'm out and about. there is always this fear that someone is going to come at me, that i'm in danger. to calm the alarm, i look at every person i see and everything that moves in my peripheral vision and make sure that it's not a threat, that i neutralize it in my head. but i don't, it never goes away, and it usually gets worse with each breath i take and thought i have. i live with that fear a lot of the time, my heart racing and my mind trying to keep up with it, outrun it.

for some reason today (probably the combination of a soberingly beautiful ghibli film and a questionable vape), i was aware of all of that fear, but a lovely thing happened... i let myself just sit however i was and stare at the building across the street. the urge to make sure i was sitting the right way, the one that would have a commanding presence and make sure no one would try anything on me... but i'd try to just redirect. stare at the sign in the window. at the markings on the street. at my phone.

that's another one, the phone. i can never sit in public and look at my phone, because that is welcoming it getting stolen or signals to someone that i am distracted, and can be fucked with, harmed. so i always have to be vigilant, sturdy, prepared. always bracing, not for the hit, but as though i'm being hit perpetually and need to make it through.

when i'm inside my home, or small places i feel i can take up space in, just be in, not change myself in... i get comfortable, and i never want to leave. everything outside is a threat.

i walk out the door, and i have an hp bar above my head. and it's not full, it's low. blaring sound effects and flashing red, empty. one more hit and that's it. so i go back inside, i curl up in bed, and i hide.

it's safe in here. where nothing can happen to me and i can shield myself from the outside world. i can exist in my own bubble, where nothing can hurt or judge.

i want to walk around in the world and not be afraid of existing. of sitting on a bench, breathing. that's all i want to do. at this point, i don't even know what is an irrational fear in my head based on my anxiety and past trauma, and what is a real fear based on factual things that occur like queerphobic violence and harassment on the street driven by class wars and governmentally/socially enforced desperation.

a trans woman of color named savannah ryan williams was shot in minneapolis on november 29th. this is just one occurrence of too many. savannah was 38, just three and a half years older than me.

minnesota has been claimed as a trans refuge state. whenever i talk about my fears with being visibly trans and non-passing, i'm often met with people saying how i'm from minnesota at least, so it's not that bad.

about five months before covid lockdowns, i was heading to work at a hair salon. i worked the front desk, and i loved that job. i was opening, so i was on the bus pretty early. this was the first day i presented more feminine after figuring out my gender identity, or starting that journey anyway. i had some makeup on, had styled the length of hair i had in the cutest way i could, and i felt good. i remember feeling good, and then i remember feeling a really heavy impact hitting my glasses, smashing them into my brow, and releasing. i noticed the man who had just hit me in the face stumble back, and he seemed scared and apologized. i don't know if he punched me deliberately, or if he stumbled on the bus. i got to work, called someone and told them about it, got through work, and went home.

i spent the next five months in my house, for the most part. when trying to go back to the salon for my next shift, i couldn't get within thirty feet of my door. work let me go. i eventually got fed up with myself and force-applied for a million jobs, got one, and took it. covid happened, lockdown happened, and i had trauma flashbacks and panic attacks to the point of losing the new job months after starting. (the job also botched my workplace credentials, so everyone knew me by my deadname, and never met me in person) a year later, i tried another job, but after two days, had intense anxiety when i'd be in the parking lot and couldn't get myself to go in.

i finally got a job again this past week. i've had two shifts. this is the streak i have to break. i want nothing more than to ghost tomorrow. to not go. if i do that, i'll get fired most likely. and i'll lose the promise of stability that i've been waiting for. i'll lose the proudness of my mom and my sisters and my friends. and that makes it harder. that makes me want to fuck it up even more.

i'm not really taking this anywhere positive, or anywhere in particular...i just want to write it out. keep it. know how i felt in this moment, the eve of wanting to fuck it up. i'm almost already crying and mourning the job that i haven't destroyed yet. and the worst thing is, i feel right. and i feel wronged. i had my drive for life taken from me and i want it back.

"she is messy but she's kind she is lonely most of the time she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie she is gone but she used to be mine"

sara bareilles - she used to be mine, from waitress

[sams-battlejacket-diary]

Pinned

-Made this blog to highlight making my first battle/patch jacket! And for general punk culture and music

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Disclaimer, because I know it will come up: I know not everyone views punk only as political or leftist. I am not calling myself a punk because I'm a leftist, I do listen to the music. However /Anarchopunk/ IS inherently political and leftist and its my second favorite music genre, so

Do Not Interact if: Racist, Ableist, Saneist, Queerphobic, Transphobic, Bootlicker, Facist, Capitalist, Pro-cop, Anti-BLM, N@zi, Evangelical Christian, Conservative, Right-leaning in any way, centralist, P3do, Animal abuser, Classist, anti-working class, pro-eugenics, pro-life, pro-censorship or book burning, pro-government or hierarchies, anti-mutual aid, you hate homeless people, you hate people who can't work, you hate addicts and users, you try to sanitize punk [DNI added to as needed]

You dont have to agree to /everything/ I say to stick around, solidarity can be a good thing, just read and follow the DNI

[ I do get political here sometimes, but not every post will be political. I am very firm in my beliefs but I am open to well-meaning discussions]

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Favorite punk genres: Folk!! Anarcho/Peace!! Queercore!! Hardcore Punk metal Synth Egg Pop[won't be on this blog much, I love pop-punk but i don't really compare it to other punk genres it feels separate]

Favorite bands currently: Against Me! Dead Kennedys Days n Daze Trashbag Ponchos Pigeon Pit Apes Of The State

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Opinions under the cut

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Music opinions: Like what you like my guy I don't care Subculture and knowing the difference between music genres is important, but everyone makes mistakes everyone learns somewhere and I'm not gonna go on a witchhunt because someone called an emo band punk one time or dresses pastel goth Gatekeeping is..weird, I normally disagree with it in general but sometimes it's extremely necessary to make a culture thrive. What it comes down to is I won't stop you from enjoying something because of what you wear or enjoy harmlessly. But I will absolutely fight tooth and fuckin nail to keep bigots out of alternative communities, gatekeeping is a necessary tool that shouldn't be overused. On that note, you dont have to Only like punk music to be punk. You can like many genres and be part of multiple subcultures People shouldn't have to limit themself to one genre of music or even one subculture, I'm the guy whos called himself punk, emo, metalhead, decora, and a hippie. Just like what you like authentically and you'll never be a poser, a poser is someone who pretends to be into shit to be cool, just be authentic Sometimes music doesn't have to be perfectly polished and professional or even Good, it just has to Sound and hit right [this is why Folkpunk is my favorite]

Punk is not expensive, you should be diying everything if you can.And thrifting your clothes. If you have a disability that makes it hard, its alright to ask for help or buy from small artists! Some parts of punk culture can be pretty toxic, honestly especially folk-punk, there's is a /lot/ of infighting from what I've seen and known recently, pick and choose your battles and find a scene you feel comfortable and supported in On that note punk needs to work on being made more accessible, a lot of people have beliefs that harm disabled people and most events are not disability friendly. A lot of spaces make disabled people feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed. Punk should include All

You cannot separate punk from leftism and politics. I don't care how many n*zis call themselves punk they never were

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[essayofthoughts]

A note to add - I’ve not seen C2 or C3 and cannot speak to them, but there is some canon homophobia in C1. Tary’s dad is shitty to him regarding Lawrence and in general Tary’s attraction to men, and is generally a pretty awful individual, and there seems to be more normalisation of straight romance than queer, based on what Tary says:

TARY: Well, I'm a dashing adventurer, and I'm supposed to attract all of the lasses of the kingdom, right? ALL: Well. TARY: They throw themselves at me because of my derring-do and bravery and my hair. KEYLETH: Have you experienced that once? TARY: No, but I feel that-- in all the books I've read, they never tell of the adventurers who go to bed with older men. PERCY: Do you know why? Because those adventurers are busy actually having a good time. -- Episode 96, Jugs & Rods.

However, I think this does still stand in line with what else you’ve said, OP? Exandria as a whole is pretty gender equal and doesn’t really have significant transphobia or homophobia - why would it? The world has magic and magic is the great equaliser. It’s why you can see past adventurers, of various backgrounds, climbing to high status - magic enables much more drastic shifts in fortune and influence than we get in our world. But it also suggests there’s more normalisation of straight relationships than queer, possibly because that general ease of mobility and, that there’s been less societal rejection of queer relationships and identity and so, in turn, less of a push to gain visibility.

It also suggests that any such bigotry is 1. Limited to personal examples (Howaardt Darrington), 2. Not enforced societally but not necessarily hugely or uniformly pushed back against (Queer relationships and identities allowed amongst people of various classes, but not much media around it), and 3. Something that is being pushed back against in-universe nonetheless (At least from what I understand, there’s a lot more queerness and queer rep as the campaigns go on).

Besides which, such bigotry is usually an attempt to control those around them - it makes sense for Howaardt Darrington, who seems to be a controlling, toxic man, to be so shitty about his son being gay. He places a lot of stake on his personal worth and pride and, for him, his son is an extension of that - and a let down to his personal standards. However, it would make less sense for, say, Syldor to be queerphobic because, even though he’s a shitty dad, he is also Extremely Elvish and Elven culture seems to enshrine queerness because their primary deity, Corellon the Archheart, is non-binary.

Of course, lots of people don’t know about Tary - he’s a late-appearing character in Campaign 1, both of which minimise people’s awareness of him, and he’s a man, and we’ve seen how the fandom seems to fixate more on F/F ships these days. But, I mean, if people do want a character dealing with homophobia in their stories... Tary is right there guys. Right there.

I’m I the only one who finds it alarming that most of this fandom who ship Imogen and Laudna (especially on twitter) don’t realize the unhealthyness thats going on in their relationship? They literally see two women to are affectionate with each other and say “ENDGAME!” “GIRLFRIENDS!” “MARRIED!” “KISS KISS KISS!” Then they focus on quotes that are kinda alarming, and Imogen’s Jealousy is pretty fucking Alarming! Saying that they are in love and just haven’t realized it yet. (Don’t get me started on that one blog on here counting down the days “till imodna realizes their in love.” I find it so fucking annoying.) Loving someone and being IN love with someone is two different things. Also another thing! I HATE THAT PEOPLE CALL THEM LESBIANS! THE BOTH HAVE EXPRESSED FEELINGS FOR MALE PERSENTING PEOPLE! I dread the day when the campaign ends and they don’t end up together or during the campaign fall IN love with someone that’s not each other. Especially if it’s a male persenting person, because the Laura and Marisha will be harassed and the shippers will yell Queerbait, also the men hating/haters will be in full force. 

Hi anon,

I agree with most of this; I'm answering under a cut in the hopes that people who will be upset by an answer will be able to avoid it, without me having to explicitly discourse tag it and in doing so throw it to people who troll that tag to get mad at things. Also this is SUPER long and covers a lot of the thoughts I've had percolating on the CR fandom/shipping culture in general.

I think I and a lot of people who primarily deal in meta/analysis in this fandom have been inching ever closer to a lot of the points you've made here, and I am generally very willing to be the one who snaps and says "yeah has anyone noticed the emperor has literally no clothes on like what the fuck".

Let's start with the end and work backwards: It's happened before, it will happen again if Laura and Marisha's characters do not get together, and it's irritating, but like, I will take a good story and the consequences of a shitty segment of the fandom rather than the path of least resistance every time. I almost said something to this effect on the positive vibes ask last night, but like...there will always be people who are hateful and stupid on the internet, so you may as well stand in your own truth rather than fear their consequences. (Not that I don't respect the choice to quietly avoid harassment; I am the way I am because I know at this point I can take a pretty hard hit and shut it down, but that has not always been the case.) Anyway, people called an actual canon ship between lesbian characters queerbaiting last campaign, so it's not like those accusations hold any weight or need to be taken seriously; outside of their tiny circle, everyone thinks those people are idiots.

I do, as a bi woman, hate the tendency among hardcore shippers to erase bisexuality. They do it because a bi character's competing ships cannot be as easily dismissed as 'obviously can't happen, they're gay or lesbian', and they don't care how biphobic they look doing it. You are absolutely correct: Imogen and Laudna have both indicated interest in men or masc nb people. (Others have also pointed out that people tend to exclusively use he/him pronouns about Ashton when they are being critical of them, so they don't care how transphobic they look doing it either, apparently; also I don't think Ashton identifies as a he/they lesbian but there are in fact people who do identify as such so like...if your goal is to eliminate Ashton/Laudna as an option by saying Laudna is a lesbian, against all evidence to the contrary, you also need to make a number of presumptions about Ashton's sexuality and gender identity as well.)

This brings me to a tricky section about fandom in general but I think it's worth saying. In the real world, homophobia and transphobia are very real. They negatively impact our lives in heartbreaking and deadly ways. It is still the norm in most US media for the bulk of relationships shown to be between a cis man and a cis woman, and for protagonists to be cis and straight (note: also often able-bodied, male, white, etc but the focus of this discussion is queerness so I'm not covering all axes of oppression). However, in many fandom spaces, queer characters and ships are the fan favorites. Tumblr's userbase does skew heavily queer, and additionally, tends to skew towards women. In other words, a lot of things that are very true in real life do not hold in fandom spaces.

Which is to say: we're in a situation where an F/F ship is the massive juggernaut for the fandom right now. It does not mean that lesbians (or bi women who enter into relationships with other women) are not oppressed in the real world; it does mean that within the highly specific space of the Critical Role fandom, people are more likely to be in favor of this ship than not. It also means that a lot of the people who aren't into it are not homophobes, but are queer people - often even wlw - who are saying "I would like F/F ships! I would like them to actually be good." Like, to me, the only difference between Imogen and Laudna and every M/F canon relationship on network TV that's made me go "you're telling me they should be together, but I don't see it" is that they're both women (and I would bet a large sum that for a lot of people, this isn't about the dynamic, but purely about the gender of the people involved, ie, if Imogen were a man played by one of the men in the cast people wouldn't ship it, where as I personally can comfortably say I'd ship any of the canon ships from past campaigns regardless of character gender. This also admits that biological essentialism is fake and that Exandria is pretty gender equalthough, which some people don't want to do.)

Part of why I've been so frustrated is that, at least from my perspective, the overwhelming majority of hate and harassment I've seen within the fandom in Campaign 3 - and in Campaign 2 - has been from people who have shipped Marisha and Laura's characters. There has, in fact, been pretty considerable hate as well as measured criticism levied towards M/F ships (we're seeing some with Ashton/Laudna here, but both Fjord/Jester and Caleb/Jester, the latter of which I actively dislike and have openly criticized, received pretty vehement hate last campaign and most of it came from people who shipped Jester with Beau) and M/M ships (less harassment per se but people who shipped Caleb with Jester said some truly awful things about Caleb/Essek; also while I have not, you know, harassed people, I have said essentially the same things about how Taliesin and Liam's characters are shipped every campaign despite often having little connection as I have about Marisha and Laura's. I just don't talk about it as much because while I think and have said that Ashton/Orym is basically nothing - and that Widomauk, which most people vaguely classify as M/M, and for that matter, Percy/Vax, all are basically nothing - no one who ships those has called me a cunt or reblogged my posts in an abusive manner or called me out for the grave sin of preferring canon to fanon, so I respect the ship and let ship of it all.) For that matter, the bulk of hate towards Beauyasha came from people who shipped Beau and Jester. Like...I am confident there are people who dislike this ship specifically because it's between two women, and they are homophobic, but that is not the quarter where I think most of the criticism on Tumblr or Twitter is coming from.

So let's get to the last point. Why do people ship two women simply because they're standing next to each other? Why do they ignore countless red flags - and I am specifically talking about treating Imogen and Laudna's relationship as healthy and loving; not about shipping it in general. I cannot stress enough that if you treat Imogen/Laudna as some kind of toxic Briarwoods situation and are into that, I support that entirely.

There are a few reasons. First and foremost, I think a lot of people project onto characters rather than letting the characters provide them with differing perspectives. I find this deeply sad. It's not that you can't draw parallels between your own life and that of fictional characters or see yourself in them - you're supposed to! But it says something depressing about your empathy if your qualifications for which characters speak to you are only those who match your demographics. Like, I've said before, but my favorite characters from past campaigns are Vex and Fjord, and they have a lot in common! If you relate to one based on their themes of Who You Are In The Dark and the mask you present to the world over a face you don't particularly like, you will probably relate to the other! But also...I am a cis bi woman, I am not a person of color as both those characters are often considered coded to be (though am an ethnic minority), nor did I personally experience extensive emotional abuse and poverty as a child. I think there's value in wanting to see people like you! But also...representation is not just "I want to see people like me"; it's also "I want to humanize people who are not like me". If you cannot relate to someone simply because they don't match your gender or sexuality, then that's a really shallow and cold way to interact with the world. And, specifically in relation to queerness within Critical Role: this is a world that has consistently been depicted as not having homophobia or transphobia. I understand wanting to explore these themes and seeing characters who have experienced them, but like...this is not the media that will reasonably have a one-to-one portrayal of homophobia or transphobia, and you often will need to bend over backwards and project a lot of stuff that simply isn't in the canon to read that into them because the worldbuilding simply doesn't support it. And, to be clear, you can do that; but at that point you're applying a lens that only you can obtain, so you shouldn't be surprised if few people come along with you. (I also think it's kind of dumb to watch a show with 5 cis men on it, four of whom are married to women, and be mad that the story has men in it and that those men sometimes are attracted to women; unpacking this would easily double the length of this already incredibly long post though.)

So: this sets a stage for people coming into the show saying "who looks like me, or can I make to look like me" rather than engaging with what's actually going on. Part of why I've been hesitant on Imogen and Laudna the whole time, though started out much more open to it, is in fact that it was heavily shipped from quite literally the moment that Laura and Marisha were indicated to be playing two women who knew each other from before. We knew nothing about their dynamic other than "existing friendship". So I think a lot of people put the cart before the horse and started shipping, and I do think - and I could be entirely wrong - a lot of them, deep down in their hearts, know that they are twisting their interpretations to match an idea of these two characters that has increasingly been proven not to be true onscreen. Like, I think a lot of people kind of realize that Imogen is putting Laudna in a horrible position here; I think a lot of people realize that their so-called 'unconditional' love that transcends words means there's no room to resolve or even express conflict. Perhaps they don't, but like, I'd like to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's just...I think that because this ship is so all-consuming within the fandom, and because so many people have staked their identities within the fandom on it, they don't know how to leave it and are scared of retaliation if they do.

This is backed up by the slow shift I've described - Imodna started out with "they're already girlfriends" or "they're already in love but just haven't said it" or "what could ever happen other than they become ever closer and eventually kiss" (as witnessed by these questions) to "they realized they were in love during the campaign" to "Imogen is in love with Laudna but Laudna isn't aware" to "god remember how they used to talk, I'd give anything for it" to "I guess a QPR is okay" (which is itself bizarre, like, the issues I see in their relationship are still just as much issues in a nonsexual partnership as a sexual one; honestly, it's not a healthy friendship though it is an interesting one and the problem's I have are not going to be fixed by kissing.) Like, it's not the normal evolution of feelings one might have about a ship as the show goes on and more information is revealed, or rather, it's a ship that's becoming less and less confident as time goes on which is the opposite of how canon ships tend to go. (Which, I need to stress, does not discount that it could not be canon; it's just that I think it would require a pretty profound shakeup and conflict to do so). The signs and signals are becoming more and more tenuous and the shippers keep lowering and lowering the bar.

Since I've already brought up past campaigns and ships, let's do it again for the sake of illustration; this feels like how people who shipped Caleb and Jester went from ENDGAME to "Caleb is pushing away Jester to protect her" to "I think Laura is biting her lip when she's looking at Liam! This is a SIGN" even in episodes where Jester was like, actively making out with Fjord, to, and I am not making this up, posting pictures of the CR shop showing Laura in Caleb merch as evidence. Or how the bulk of Vex/Keyleth shipping in TLOVM rested on a scene in the trailer where Keyleth was staring dreamily and drunkenly into space while Vex was across the table only for the show to reveal Keyleth was staring at Vax. Like, all shipping does require a certain degree of cherrypicking, but there is a point where you are focused only on subtext and never text, and while that was how one had to interact with queer stories in the past, it's ridiculous to be doing it on a show where Marisha has openly RP-ed Beau eating Yasha out. Like, if they wanted to show two women being romantically involved, they will. (There's been a lot of Xena comparisons thrown around, and like...not that Xena isn't an important part of the history of depicting F/F relationships in media, but it is also a syndicated show from the 90s and couldn't show an explicitly lesbian relationship, and Critical Role very much can and has.)

I do think there are a subset of people who don't realize how unhealthy this is. Like...this is a whole psychological thing that I am unequipped to unpack, but I do think there are people for whatever reasons genuinely do believe that love means never having to say you're sorry. I am hoping this is because of youth and inexperience, because being able to communicate and advocate for yourself is a crucial part of relationships, as is the ability to express and resolve conflict. As you've noticed, the people who ship this have all said "well, obviously, Imogen won't betray Laudna" - but we don't know that. Honestly I think it could go either way. But they have to make that assumption to keep shipping it, because if Imogen might betray Laudna, then that does mean that there would have been more meaning and value in Laudna speaking up and that conversation was deeply flawed.

I also think some of this comes from unconditional love being an unreasonable expectation foisted upon us all at large. There are always conditions, or rather, you might always in some way love someone, but there are conditions under which you'd leave or boundaries you will draw. You can love someone who (for example) is dealing with an addiction but still refuse to let them drive while intoxicated or steal your stuff to pay for drugs. You can love someone who cheats on you but still want to end that relationship. I mean, while fear, self-doubt, and resources/logistics are all factors in people leaving abusive relationships, it's also true that a lot of people have some affection for the good times and that is a factor as well. Love is not a simple on/off switch. You can feel multiple things at once - honestly, that's what Ashton basically says this past episode, that they both love and hate the party! I think Imogen and Laudna do genuinely love each other, though I don't interpret it as romantic; I just also think that there's a lot of stuff they don't like about each other but are unable to express, and which will only become more and more of a threat to a potential romantic (or queerplatonic) relationship if left to fester unresolve. And, to be honest, I suspect real-world homophobia and fandom purity issues are part of why people are so unwilling to discuss why Imogen and Laudna's relationship is unhealthy; because it means admitting that queer relationships can have most of the same problems as straight ones, and possibly admitting that you still find an unhealthy relationship interesting and want to see it played out.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I’m going to byu this next year and I’m quite scared. Is there anything I should know? Also, I’m toying with the idea of going back into the closet just to make it easier in class and around extended family, because I know going to byu will hurt, but maybe I can make it hurt less? Idk, I’d just really appreciate some sort of response about this because you seem like the kind of person that can give a knowledgeable response. Ty for reading :)

Let me begin by saying my BYU student days are long ago and most of what I share is what I’ve learned from students the past few years or from when I visit campus and speak to people.

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I know people who've been out but went back into the closet for reasons like going to BYU or moving to a new ward. And after experiencing what it's like to be out, being back in the closet the second time is a tougher experience. They recognize they are suppressing themselves.

I understand your desire to go back in the closet and how it gives you the opportunity to come out to roommates and friends after you test the water, maybe ask them questions and get a sense of their level of acceptance.

An alternative to going back into the closet is find an apartment with another queer person living there. If you know some queer BYU students, ask them to help you find housing with a queer roommate. If you don't know any queer BYU students, perhaps some will read this and message you, or I can contact a few for you.

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The Out Foundation partners with Flourish Therapy to provide therapy for free to queer BYU students. I've only heard good things about Flourish, other than there's typically a wait list and may take weeks/months to get seen and assigned a therapist.

There's also CAPS, the university's counseling & psychological center, and I believe they're included in your student fees, so no additional costs to meet with their counselors. I've also heard good things from queer students who seek help from here.

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USGA is the off-campus group for queer BYU students & their allies. They meet at the Provo library (the old BYU Academy bldg). They meet weekly and have activities. I highly recommend. This is a chance to meet other queer people in a situation similar to you. USGA may also be a route to find a queer roommate.

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If you find that BYU is too much and you need to transfer, The Out Foundation might assist. Last year they raised money to help queer students transfer from BYU after the Honor Code change fiasco. They have a guide to transferring. It's better to get a degree from UVU than to be depressed and suicidal at BYU. Plus the name of the institution you graduate from will follow you the rest of your life and people will assume things about you based off of where you went.

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Caleb Stewart put together this map to Gender Neutral Bathrooms on BYU Campus

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At BYU, your ward will assign you into FHE groups, often it's 1 or 2 men's apartments and 1 or 2 women's apartments assigned together. 

Here's the thing, FHE isn't mandatory for your ecclesiastical endorsement, so skip it if going makes you cringe. There's a social aspect of going to college, and many find FHE contributes to that. 

If you have roommates, they may pressure you to go, but tell them you have class/study group or your going to your parents' house or whatever excuse you want.

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If you want to avoid a calling, there's a couple strategies. Don't draw attention to you the first 3 weeks of school, that's when most callings are extended, maybe go to a friend's ward. If possible, leave your records in your home ward for 2 or 3 weeks until the big rush of callings is over.

You can avoid your BYU ward only a few times because you will need the bishop to renew your ecclesiastical endorsement. Elders Quorum and Relief Society are where your attendance will be taken.

If you really don't want a calling, you can decline the calling. Some callings are more demanding than others.

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The school network used to be monitored, or had software that blocked certain sites, I don’t know what the current situation is. Until you know, be careful what stuff you access on the school network. Things that come across as anti-Mormon may be noticed and get flagged. 

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A different strategy would be to tell shame to take a hike and hang up a rainbow Pride flag when you first move in. If your roommates ask (which they probably will), you can choose to say you're an ally or you are queer. You make the move to indicate this is going to be a queer-safe space.

If they really are uncomfortable with the idea of living with someone who is queer or an ally, they may try to transfer to a different apartment. And if so, good move as it will remove a hostile person from your life.

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Ben Schilaty is a gay man who works in the BYU Honor Code office. Arranging to go by his office to introduce yourself and ask him for advice on how to have a better time at BYU is a good idea. His position is to enforce the Honor Code, so you can ask him about what is or isn't allowable at BYU, but don't go confessing things because he is a school official and would have to take action.

Blake Fisher is a gay man who works as an inclusion advisor in the Office of Student Success and Inclusion. He's worth a visit to see what steps BYU is taking to include queer students. He likely will have some advice on how to be successful as a queer student.

You'll probably be surprised by the number of faculty who are allies and display a rainbow or trans flag outside their office door. One faculty member I would recommend meeting is Roni Jo Draper. She was head of PFLAG in Provo, and is on the board of the ACLU. She'll likely be able to recommend other professors who are queer-friendly.

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You can generally have a good time at BYU. However, anytime you mention queer topics, there's the possibility someone will overhear and respond negatively. You never know when a queerphobic talk will be given at church or a bigoted comment made in class. Feeling like you may experience these things at any time can make a person feel a bit paranoid and that they need to be careful.

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While individual professors may call out people who make such comments in your class, don't expect the administration to take your side. In questions of personal dignity versus someone who claims they're defending church doctrine, the personal dignity of queer people gets sacrificed every time.

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There are opportunities, such as volunteering at Encircle House or running for USGA leadership, that give you an opportunity help better the lives of queer people, and that is a fantastic feeling to know you're making a positive difference.

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A recent poll found 13% of BYU students identify as LGBTQIA. Queer students are there and if you can find some, they'll introduce you to others. Being at BYU as a queer student can feel isolating, but you're not alone. Finding other queer students is very helpful. That group of students are generally very loving and supportive because they know what it's like.

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As BYU is not an affirming, welcoming place for LGBTQIA students, it is up to you to build yourself a support network. This includes faculty who are allies that you can talk with, finding other queer students with whom you can talk about the ignorant things you have to deal with, USGA where you can hang with other queer students, and so on. 

Also monitoring your mental health is important because there's an ongoing low-level of stress that goes with being a queer student at BYU. If you need help, get into CAPS or Flourish and look at the possibility of transferring to another school, you may qualify for in-state tuition depending on several factors.

[muchadoaboutlearning]

Life Update: Orientation Week and Uni Shenangians

13.8.21

This week was an official welcome to the University through an orientation week for the freshmen students. It is a tradition for our university that the seniors organise this week and my, my, the amount of effort our seniors had put into each and every event. It is no easy feat to organise a week long events online and the team was the best. They had an incentive to work hard because this probably counts as their work experience or summer internship. However, it was not only about making us feel welcome to the place but also about the cherished moments of togetherness through these events.

The theme of the orientation week was "Summer of '24" inspired by the legendary Bryan Adams song, "Summer of '69. It was about various musical decades through time. Our days were full of events like, introduction to academic life, student life, student governments, clubs etc.

But one talk that touched and inspired me the most was a talk on "Diversity and Inclusion" by a trans man who is renowned for his work in such areas. Being bi, I needed a university that was inclusive and a safe space for me. My country is still very much queerphobic but you know, there's so much diversity in the uni (being a liberal arts one I suppose). We have a pride forum as well as so much LGBTQIA+ visibility.

***

We had various fun events and I want to tell you guys all about it.

We had a music rendeveous, a zoom meeting with music genres as breakout rooms to jam and hyperventilate about your music. I met a person who has eerily similar taste as me (like scary relatable, we have so many fave artists in common, it's unbelievable) We are now musical soulmates and have a Spotify playlist together (the airpod with Adam hands picture is our cover)

We had a mix and mingle event (like a platonic speed meeting over a website called gather round) It was so fun, but it did drain me out socially. We also had a shark tank event with the most ridiculous ideas (like fantasy level ridiculous)

There was a faculty rapid fire round and also non academic talks with them (we went into very deep conversations about friendship and life inspiring stories, it was so wholesome) They also divided us into buddy groups with our batchmates and seniors to perform something as a group at the end of the week. There was a senior junior bash, the watch party for all our buddy group performances and an open mic. I did a spoken word piece for my open mic performance.

I know it sounds exhausting and it truly was overwhelming. But the people I met, the connections I made were so warm and happening. I didn't get a chance to go out in the week but I did click pictures of the pink sky from my balcony.

***

The classes start on Monday, which is tomorrow. Sadly, we aren't on campus (a batchmate did a campus visit and we aren't sitting in those cool classroom chairs *sigh*)

However, my schedule starts on Tuesday so I am currently doing some post spring cleaning of my desk area. You see those classmate books over there, they are just for accounts in grade 12.

I am taking Ethics, Creative Expression and Scientific Reasoning for the first trimester. Let this academic chapter in my life begin.

[flutterbyfairy]

this isn't my usual soft/positivity content so feel free to skip this n definitely don't read if it'll be triggering!! but i just wanted to express my disappointment and anger at instagrams support system/staff.

so the new zealand/aotearoa labour party (finally) realsed a policy stating that, if re-elected, they will ban conversation therapy, they announced this through the following post:

someone commented "why isn't it already banned what", to which another user replied "because it's needed for our country not to be overrun by those queer maggots", as shown here:

i reported that reply as hate speech because, yknow, it is obviously queerphobic and dehumanising. two days later i got this reply:

i submitted it for review, however instagram stuck by their decision that this was not hate speech:

this was very disappointing because i don't think it's hard to see how that comment was hate speech. i left it for a couple days but today i decided to look through instagrams community guidelines and the futher explanation of their policy against hate speech that they share with facebook. and now i genuinely do not understand how they didn't believe this comment violated their guidelines.

the following is from the instagram community guidelines:

and, following the link to the hate speech explanation brings you to their definition of hate speech:

and attacks:

the reply i reported was a direct attack on lgbtqia+ people, on the basis of us being lgbtqia+, e.g. our sexual orientations and gender, which, according to instagrams own definition is hate speech. it was also dehumanising, and called for lgbtqia+ people to be converted/excluded, lest we "overrun" the country, which would also class it as an attack.

even further, in their tiers of severity they describe almost exactly what this comment said:

they clearly state dehumanising a marginalised group, by comparing them to insects, is against their guidelines. which. is exactly what that comment does.

i don't really care all that much about that one comment. it's a horrible reminder that myself and other lgbtqia+ people face so much hatred, even in a country that's generally viewed as accepting, but it's one bigoted troll, and i've seen worse. but instagram, despite having a policy that this clearly violates deems that this is, somehow, not hate speech and leaves it up. and i'm assuming when i submitted it for review that was a different person than who first looked at the report, so this probably wasn't just one person or one mistake. best case the instagram staff aren't trained well and aren't well aware of the community guidelines, worst case they are actively deciding to allow bigotry. neither is great. i know this isn't really a big deal and i'm mostly just posting this to vent but also allowing queerphobia (or any type of bigotry) isn't okay. letting bigots know that they have free reign to harras and dehumanise marginalised groups isn't okay and, when it's as common as it is in our society, does contribute to the oppression of marginalised groups and the violence that we face.

and, not that they'll see this, but @ that queerphobic user: as a queer maggot myself, i wasn't really planning on overrunning the country but i'll do it just to spite you <3

[asexualityforassholes]

My story:

Writing this is not exactly the most easy thing for me to do but I’m giving it a go, normally the way i choose to express myself is through art some of which can be seen on this blog. However I know how important visibility is and even if you are reading this and you’re not like me maybe you can still share this with others and bring more awareness to my sexual orientation. I had a fairly normal upbringing standard family a mom and dad a brother some pets, I went to catholic school for most of my life and grew up in a Republican household. I felt pretty normal until around middle school that’s when I started to notice little things here and there all the girls in my class could talk about was boys and who was kissing who and going to school dances and all I cared about was what was on the lunch menu, the newest music, trips to hot topic or how my animal crossing villagers were doing. I didn’t understand then and when high school came around it got worse friends were off having sex and talking about all the things they were doing with guys and honestly the thought of going near a guy like that disgusted me, but I didn’t want to seem weird so I’d pretend to be “normal”. I wanted what most people want, to fit in. I kept who I was and how I felt to myself. I was in catholic school so there was no being different it was honestly very cult like. I dated guys because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought maybe if I dated or tried to be sexual with guys a switch would flip or something but it didn’t nothing happened I just felt nothing. I thought I was broken I spent my nights googling what my symptoms must be I thought I was physically or mentally broken. I started birth control hoping maybe that would fix me but still nothing. Eventually I got so depressed about it that I didn’t want to exist. I thought if I couldn’t be fixed what was the point. No one even noticed I was in pain and after losing my father at 15 people just assumed that’s why I was sad if they noticed at all. It got to such a low point I attempted suicide. I’m thankful today that it didn’t work and that I’m here to share my story now. When I finally graduated high school I started to feel better I still had lots of curve balls thrown my way I still do. But I was free of a toxic queerphobic environment I started spending more time with my best friend who is openly gay we met in high school but he didn’t come out until after he graduated too. We would go to prides together and when I was of age we started going to our local gay bar. Something just felt right about being in this community I didn’t know it at the time but I was right this is my community. The more time I spent in the community the more research I did I found that a lot of queer people felt the way I did they knew they were different too. The difference was most of them had representation. So when I was 21 I was on tumblr just looking at drag queens and memes and I came across a post about different types of asexuality and I hadn’t heard of that term since biology class. I kept reading on and the more I read the more I realized that it was about me. I cried I had never felt so valid before. It changed me I finally belonged I wasn’t broken. I was just asexual. I couldn’t wait to come out the second I stopped crying I took to social media and shouted it from the rooftops I told my mother and my best friend both of them were so happy for me. The love and accept me as I am. I’m very fortunate to have them. I have run into many people who have been cruel to me since I came out both inside and outside the queer community and in someways its made my life a little harder but I wouldn’t change anything about myself. I love that I’m asexual it means so much to me it’s part of who I am. Not everyone is into labels but for me this isn’t just a label it’s where I belong. A lot of people have tried to argue my existence with me but I will never let them win it took so long for me to find my place and I’m not giving it up.

[nightcoremoon]

now that I've driven home and had a few minutes to cool off and collect my thoughts, I feel I should explain myself to the people who have been following me and know who i am so I don't damage my relationship or reputation more than I probably already have. there was a post that an autistic person I follow made, where he vented about bigotry against autistic people, and ended with a passive aggressive "...janice". there was another post that a nonbinary person I follow made where they vented about bigotry against gender nonconforming people, and ended with a passive aggressive "...denise". I'm not 100% sure which was which but I DEFINITELY remember the posts, as well as the profile pictures of the people who posted them. I don't remember the urls though, and even if I did remember them I wouldn't list them in case the people who are now harassing and spamming me in my inbox and activity feeds decided to also hop on their [proverbial] dicks as well as mine because they apparently culturally appropriated those post templates, of ending extended rants about various bigots and ending them with names befitting of middle aged suburban soccermoms, karen. now, when listing people of this demographic, I used to include white among those adjectives. however, there are black middle aged suburban soccermoms, hispanic middle aged suburban soccermoms, and asian middle aged suburban soccermoms, and pretty much people of every race who have the potential to be this type of person the practice strawmans. obviously not every single middle aged suburban parent of children who participate heavily in after school activities is going to be the type of person to scream at retail workers or starbucks baristas or people who cut off their minivans when they're driving 15 under the speed limit in the left lane. not every single middle aged suburban person is an undeducated bible thumping bigot with their head shoved up their ass. not every one of them is a problematic piece of shit that stands by the #alllivesmatter crew or trump or whatever the republicans are rallying around this week. not even all of the white ones, and there are some people who fit the trope who are not white. I've dealt with many of them during my days at target, but I always stood by including white. until recently. when I learned it made black people uncomfortable when white people made white jokes, I was of course initially hesitant. "that's fucking stupid!" I though. "I'm not assuaging white guilt by doing this, I'm just finding it in me to laugh at myself". and then I read a bit more about the subject and figured it isn't worth the potential heartache if I fought it because in all honesty it kind of makes sense. my mom's boyfriend's son is black (and hispanic), and I had once made a white girl joke to my sister in front of him and mom told me later that both he and her boyfriend were uncomfortable with me saying that. after seeing the post that talked about it, and my... slight breakdown where I may have dramatically overreacted... I decided to try and stop with the white people jokes because I want to unlearn all of the racist shit that my dad, stepmom, aunts, uncles, grandparents, former friends, former acquaintances, and society in general that I possibly could, because racism as a concept digs into my skin and fucks me up. it used to make me absolutely seethe with rage, and I still get a little steamed by it. in fact I once got in a LOT of trouble with my high school sociology student teacher because I got really shitty with her when she- an anthropology student no less- kept calling one kid in our class by his initial because apparently kudsai is just Too Hard™ to pronounce. one day, an off day where I forgot to take my medicine, she called him that and I yelled at her "he has a name, so use it". granted I didn't like the kid. I thought he was annoying; loud, obnoxious, constantly making sex jokes while we were studying freud (and even the fucking holocaust), in the choir and the football team... basically like any other cishet teenage boy. but being annoying is no excuse for a teacher to not take five fucking seconds of her day to learn how to say his name right just because it wasn't franklin or gregory, two of the other black kids who I went to school with. anyone following me as far back as when annie got remade with quvenzhane wallis as the titular role might have read my thoughts on the matter of pronouncing people's names right. i'm not saying this to pat myself on the back for not being racist, because WOW was I a rough mess of things back then, but I was never like my dad's side of the family about race. back when michael brown's death and ferguson were still talked about, I found myself agreeing with rush limbaugh about some of the things he said, so clearly I haven't been a perfect angel my whole life. anyway, back to white people jokes making black people feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to make myself agree with that, which as anyone who has the syndrome formerly known as aspergers can probably attest to, is hard as shit to do. possible but hard. like, I'm even now still unlearning some acephobia, transphobia, queerphobia, islamophobia, and even though I know the occasional fleeting thoughts that I think are wrong and bad, they still happen very frequently. same goes with various forms of racism and xenophobia. my dad (and former stepdad's) influences are probably so deep because of various issues with abandonment and abuse that I'm not gonna discuss here, and they're both absolutely reeking with white supremacist microaggressions. so I'm definitely trying my hardest. part of that is why I reacted so negatively when people misinterpreted what I said, put words in my mouth, and straight up told me to kill myself in all of these messages that are still flooding in. another part is because I truly do stand by the things that I meant to say, rather than the things that it appears I've said. I really do think that it's unreasonable to say that it's racist for people who aren't black to make posts where we vent about various injustices we face from people who are misinformed and ignorant and straight up smarmy condescending assholes and then end it with a passive aggressive name of some baby boomer fuckwit, peggy. because these baby boomer fuckwits come in many colors (black people are still capable of being racist [against hispanic/asian/etc people, not whites, I need to make that abundantly clear], classist, misogynist, queerphobic, ableist, otherwise bigoted prejudiced assholes), and these names that are heralded as "typically white", like henry or franklin or gregory or harold or penelope or alice or etc, are not exclusively white names. I've seen or met black people with names like this and while it's definitely not the majority (not even close), and it's definitely partially due to cultural erasure perpetuated by gentrification, it still exists. so it doesn't make sense to me why the person who wrote the post that started me on this whole sequence of posts about this topic insisted that it was a 'white people names' thing. especially when white people names are more like khaeylieghhe or miakkaylia or annedeeye or some other ridiculous bastardisation of english language in order to make your child feel special and unique and end up growing to be a cookie cutter member of the conservative party that tries to take down affirmative action because they feel like it's reverse discriminatory or some shit. if it was something like that, making fun of those names that are actually like making jokes at the expense of white people [I think I should apologize in advance because technically this counts as a white people joke even if it's just an example] would make perfect sense. however I have not only seen posts in this template of ending with baby boomer names being used as tools to express their distaste in queerphobia, ableism, classism, xenophobia, and intolerance of other sorts, but I've made them before, and it has had not a god damn bit of racial connotation to it at all unless it's been specifically a black millennial on tumblr venting specifically about a white people-ism, and to make a post that shits on everybody who uses this template to cope if they're not black, and causes those kids who use it to cope to ask why not, and then get immediately shit on by assholes who treat them just like people are treating me, who tell them that it doesn't matter if they're neurodivergent or gay or trans or whatever because they're being Big Bad Evil Racists™ by ending their rant posts with names like becky, allison. I don't care if you're black. if you treat queer or disabled kids like shit and call them racist when they're not being racist, no matter what color your skin is, you're an asshole. and to act like fucking salem massachusetts when confronted with legitimate criticism of your ill-informed unbridled assault of an angry mama bear to queer and disabled kids, is just DISGUSTING. WEAK. and PATHETIC. and only serves to strengthen my points. so you know what, go ahead. keep sending me your hate anons. keep sending me the smarmy condescension. I can take it. just stop being fucking assholes to my family. your race isn't something I have any authority over but I won't let you use it as a weapon to beat people over the head with just because you get high off of the power you get from the veil of anonymity. false accusations of being a tier 6 skinhead is more palatable than telling us to kill ourselves.