#however I am SO much less nauseous than I’ve been for the past couple hours so I’m overall just grateful

[goldkirk]

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[houseof-harry]

What Happened in Jersey Pt. 3 | G.D.

A/N - YALL! Buckle up, I’ve been working on this part for legit a week and I’m proud of how it came out. It’s a little long, but so much happens so get excited! Let me know what you think! Read Part 2 here!!!

Word Count - 7.6K

Warnings - mentions of smut

***

Recap:

“Don’t freak yourself out, though. He’s a good guy,” Jessie sighs. You rub your hands over your stomach, getting lost in your thoughts. That’s when you remember something very important that you don’t know about Grayson.

“What’s his number?”

“Grayson’s?” Jessie laughs out.

“No, my other baby daddy,” you joke.

“I’ll give it to you and then we’ll head to breakfast?” You sit up and nod.

“Thank god that’s over. Things can only get better from here, right?”

***

The next couple of weeks were pretty nice and uneventful. You got Grayson’s number and, as he said, you texted every day. You’d actually Facetime a lot, too. He says it’s because he wants to see the baby bump once it starts to come in.

You would tell him about your day, related to the pregnancy and not, and he would tell you about his adventures with Ethan and all the things he found doing his research on the internet. He keeps you updated on the fruit or vegetable that’s continuing to grow inside you as the time passes. He tried to find any solution he can to your morning sickness that has persisted. He even sent you a couple care packages with the things you said you craved, but it usually would come too late for you to enjoy. The look of the foods would make you nauseous, but your roommates loved the free treats.

The great part of all of this is that you have a relationship forming with your baby daddy, who will inevitably be in your life forever.

The bad part of all of this is that you are definitely falling for him.

You had a crush on him, and to be quite frank who wouldn’t. This hot guy has not only been talking to you every day, checking in with you and making sure you’re okay, but you’re literally pregnant with his baby. From having hot ass sex in the bathroom at New Year’s.

So it was safe to say you were into him. Which terrified you. Because there was no way he was into you. You were constantly ready for him to just never respond again, or for him to totally drop you and your baby for someone else, someone else with way less baggage. So you would do your best to keep it friendly and push him away whenever you felt like things were getting past friendly. You know, the healthy way to deal with your emotions.

Little to your knowledge, Grayson definitely had it worse than you. A part of him believed this was the universe giving him a huge ass sign that this was his future. You and your baby together were the beginning of your future as a family. But, he also recognizes that he is a hopeless romantic and has done this many times before. However, never with a baby involved and he was terrified of scaring you away. So he would try his best to keep everything friendly. Of course, he always miserably failed.

Your roommates and friends were definitely catching on to what was happening. They knew you were talking to the guy you met over winter break. However, you still managed to keep the news of the pregnancy to yourself. Given, you used bribery as your main mode of keeping their excited minds at bay, but if it works then it works. If they brought up your sickness or any of your other odd behavior, you’d remind them of the free food from the care packages you would give them and if they wanted it to continue, they should be minding their business. A bit harsh, but they wouldn’t let up otherwise.

You managed to get to spring break without anyone asking the big question, and you were grateful for it. You weren’t sure how you’d lie to them.

Your best friend’s house would be a different story. Anna will notice every little change in you that’s happened since you last saw her in December, and you definitely would not be able to come up with a lie to explain it all away. So you decide that as soon as she asks, you’d spill.

That actually went pretty smoothly. She was supportive and excited for you. However, she didn’t trust Grayson one bit and had even found his Instagram (despite you withholding his last name) and showed you his 9 million followers. This made you spiral a bit. Were you ruining his career? Did he have a life in LA he could never leave for your baby? Is he going to bring all these influencers around your baby?

Before you can control your actions, you’re facetiming Grayson.

His bright smile pops up on your screen. “Hey sweet girl, what’s up?” Every time he calls you that it makes you feel warm inside. It terrifies you because you don’t want to get to attached to him when you’re just friends. Who are having a baby together. Just friends who are having a baby together.

When he notices your furrowed brow and your lack of a smile, his happiness vanishes and is replaced with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Anna showed me your Instagram,” you mumble. You’re almost embarrassed. You sound like a child. You instantly regret calling him.

“Anna did what?” He brings the phone closer to him so he can hear better.

“Anna found your Instagram and showed it to me.” “Oh.” You nod. “What…what did you think? Pretty douchy?” This makes you giggle as you shake your head. He lets out a breath once he sees your small smile.

“No. Just a lot of followers and stuff. I didn’t know you guys were that well known or anything.”

He coughs awkwardly and nods. “Uh, yeah. Is that okay?”

You sigh and frown. Your intention was never to make him feel bad about it.

“Of course. It’s your job, and your passion. I love watching you edit and stuff. You never have to be scared of what I think, I’ll always support you. Just intimidates me a bit, knowing that eventually 9 million people are going to be involved in my life.”

“We will do everything we can to keep you and our strawberry safe and off social media for as long as you want. Ethan already knows that’s the plan too and we’ve been filming some random videos for if we are ever out of commission for a little while for you guys.”

Thinks makes you smile while your features soften. You bite your lip, deciding on whether or not you should share all of your concerns.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” Grayson has gotten really good at reading you, even over the phone. You’d like to think it’s the emotions of the pregnancy that give you away, but he’ll catch you even when you think you’re hiding it well.

“I dunno.” You shrug and look away, bringing your knees to your body.

“Liar. Come on, what’s going on? I can’t help make you feel better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Your bottom lip quivers as you try your best to stop the tears from clouding your vision. He was always so nice to you, and it made you wanna cry every time.

“I don’t know. It just got me thinking about how your life is in LA and eventually you’ll meet someone out there and then I’ll be here just figuring things out alone. I don’t know, scares me sometimes to think about it.” You refuse to look at him while you speak and you’re met with silence at first.

“Y/N, why are you always waiting for something to go wrong? I’m dedicated to our baby for the rest of forever, and I’m dedicated to you too,” he sighs. He looks like he’s about to say something else but decides against it.

“Sorry. It’s hard for me to trust people easily. Not that you’ve done anything wrong, you’ve actually done everything you could. I just-“ you bite your lip, hesitant to continue. Maybe you shouldn’t be loading your trauma onto him right before bed.

“Hey, I get it. It’s okay. Every time you’re scared of any of that, remember you’re not in it alone and we’re going to do everything together, good and bad. Plus, we get to finally see each other again in a couple of days. And, we get to see baby on the screen.” He smiles, rubbing his chest. His reminder makes you wipe under your eyes as you nod. “Plus, I’ve planned a day in the city for us and Ethan to do some fun shit.  It’s gonna be a good week, sweet girl. Can I see your smile?” This instantly makes you smile and he can’t stop cheesing either.  “It’s late there. You should be sleeping. Are you good to sleep? Or do you wanna stay on the phone a bit longer?”

You look at the clock and see it’s 1 am. Your eyes widen as you take a big breath in. “Uh, yeah I should go to bed. You don’t have to stay on with me, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do.” You start to get under your covers, laying back.

“I’m gonna get in bed, too. We can stay on for a bit until you fall asleep. Gotta rest up for our strawberry.”

You breathe deeply through your nose to calm your emotions before agreeing. Maybe having his presence there, even over the phone, will make you feel better.

You get under your covers and settle in, putting your phone on the pillow next to you. It was nice hearing his breathing, and you closed your eyes.

“Thank you,” you mumble, barely audible. You assume he doesn’t even hear it. Hell, he might be asleep already.

“Anything for my sweet girl.” You hear him breathe out.

Your body instantly relaxes, and you’re finally able to fall asleep.

***

Wednesday quickly rolls around and before you know it, you’re on the road to your appointment.

Grayson would be meeting you at the office. You had sent him the address yesterday after his flight got in. You felt bad for having a morning appointment because he’s three hours behind coming from California on top of the fact that he had a farther drive. That was the only appointment you could get for that week, though.

You get a call from him when you’re five minutes away.

“Hey Gray.” You know you sound nervous, but you hope he ignores it.

“Hey. I’m here. Want me to wait in the parking lot or should I go in?” You can hear the roughness of his voice, he must be exhausted.

“Uh, wait in the parking lot. It’s a big building, kinda hard to navigate. I’m only five minutes away.”

“Perfect, I’m in the orange truck. See you soon”

You smile, but remember he can’t see you. “Okay, see you soon.” You hang up and the butterflies instantly begin in your tummy.

The last time you were with Grayson in person he was making you pregnant. You hoped that the last month and a half of talking will make it easy to be in person with him, but you never know. What if it’s awkward and uncomfortable?

You pull into the parking lot and you see his truck instantly. Not many people have orange pickups in your area. Or in general, you’d assume. You pull into the spot next to his passenger side door. He looks up when your car pulls in, and his bright smile is painted across his face. He’s jumping out of his car before you’ve even stopped yours. You grab your purse and get out, closing the door and looking up. He’s antsy on his feet waiting at the back of the cars for you to walk to him.

“Hi sweet girl.” He opens his arms as you walk towards him and you allow your body to collide with his. His arms are around you in an instant and you hold him close to you by his torso. It feels like the world has stopped. He smells clean and fresh, just like he did the last time and it overwhelms your senses.

He rubs your back, not moving away from you and you definitely don’t complain. Hugging him has made you feel calmer than you had felt since you first found out you were pregnant. He was a safe haven while the rest of the world continued to go on.

Eventually, you turn your head to look up at him, keeping him in your arms, your chin resting on his chest with a wide smile plastered on your face. “Hey.”

“How are you feeling? Excited?” He smooths one of his hands over your hair before cupping your cheek.

You nod. “Yeah. It’ll be the first appointment where I can hear the heartbeat. I’m just excited to see our baby.”

He smiles. “Our baby, yeah. God, it’s so good to be here with you. Good to hold you.” He squats down and holds your stomach, his face coming close to your slightly pudgy belly. Your hands rest on his shoulders while your cheeks heat up.

“Hi, baby. It’s nice to finally meet you. Thanks for watching out for your mama, she doesn’t actually like being alone as much as she says she does.” You laugh at this, rubbing your hand over the spot he’s talking to.

“We need to go in if we wanna be on time.” You grab his wrists and pull him back up. He puts a hand on your lower back as you start to walk.

You make it into the building, check in, and are called back. The nurse gets everything she needs from you and leaves you and Grayson alone in the exam room.

He’s pacing around as you sit on the exam table, refusing to look.

“What’s up?” You interrupt his thoughts, a concerned look on your face.

“Huh? Oh. It’s just crazy that I’m meeting our baby for the first time today. Really wild. In a good way though.” He smiles and walks next to you. Before you can respond, there’s a knock and then your doctor is walking in.

“Hey, Y/N.” He smiles at you.

“Hi Dr. Jordan.” You wave.

“And you must be the father. Dr. Jordan, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He holds his hand out to Grayson and he shakes it.

“Grayson,” is all he says.

��So, we’re having a baby?” His smile widens as you and Grayson both nod back.

“Yeah, we are,” you respond.

“Let’s cut to the chase then and check up on ‘em. How does that sound?” He moves around, getting the ultrasound machine ready to go.

“Really good.” You smile at Grayson and he gives you a small one back. You can see he’s really nervous, so once you lay back and lift your shirt to just below your boobs, you’re grabbing his hand in yours. This appears to ground him a bit as he starts breathing normally again.

The doctor moves your pants down a bit so they’re out of the way before grabbing the gel.

“It’s going to be a bit cold.” You nod and gasp when the gel hits your skin, gripping Grayson a bit harder, a shiver running up your spine. Grayson squeezes you back and you look at him. He’s watching the screen as the doctor moves the wand around.

Dr. Jordan is quiet for a little while you watch him. All of a sudden, you hear a thumping from the machine and Dr. Jordan smiles.

“That’s a heartbeat, guys.” Your free hand goes over your heart, your eyes filling with tears. Grayson looks close to crying too. He lifts your hand to kiss the back of it.

“Baby looks nice and healthy, growing at the right rate. Y/N, I’m gonna ask you to get a blood draw and to leave a urine sample, but otherwise you guys are good to go. Any questions?” Dr. Jordan asks while he wipes the gel off your stomach.

You and Grayson both look at each other, tears still threatening to spill and smiles on your face. You shake your head, unwillingly looking away and back at Dr. Jordan. “No, I think we’re good.”

Dr. Jordan smiles at the both of you. “Sounds good. Call us if you ever have any questions, okay? And congratulations, I’m excited for you both.” He stands and leaves.

You let go of Grayson’s hand to sit up and adjust your clothes. He continues to stand there just watching you. When you hop off and look up at him, a tear has rolled down his cheek.

“Are you okay?” Your brows pull together in concern and you grab his biceps lightly, rubbing up and down. This seems to snap him out of his trance a bit.

“Uh, yeah. That was just really incredible. We met our baby today. You’re growing our baby in here,” he puts both hands on your stomach and you giggle.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Thank you.” He looks so sincerely into your eyes, making you blush.

“You ready to go?” You ask, walking away from him to grab your purse. This man is way too powerful to be making you feel a certain type of way. You are two friends having a baby. A friend baby.

He looks a bit hurt for a moment but quickly recovers. “Uh, yeah.” He walks to the door and opens it for you.

You get your tests all done and figured out, and schedule your next appointment for around Easter so that you’d have an excuse to be home from school. Before you know it, you and Grayson are walking out of the doctor’s office. He’s got an arm around your shoulder as you approach your cars.

“Can I bring you and strawberry to lunch? I don’t wanna leave you guys yet,” he says sheepishly, almost like he was nervous to ask you.

“Sure,” you smile up at him and wrap your arm around his waist. He lets out a breath of air he had been holding in and relaxes a bit.

“Cool. I’ll drive us and bring you back here after. Don’t need you woozy behind the wheel after your blood draw.” He rubs your shoulder.

“How is it that we are literally having a baby together and you somehow treat me like I’m the baby?” You laugh.

“One day you’ll let me take care of you,” he chuckles, shaking his head as you part ways to get into his truck.

You get into the passenger seat, buckling in. You were floating on cloud nine, it felt like you and Grayson were actually a little family.

Your thoughts are interrupted when he gets into his seat and adjusts.

“Can I ask you something?” He asks while he buckles.

“Of course.”

“Do you think we could, like, record a little video update or something?” You raise your brows, a bit confused.

“Of what?”

“Just like our thoughts and reactions and stuff. I was thinking I could put a video together at the end of all this for us and our baby when we’re all older and wanna remember. It wouldn’t go on YouTube or anything, not unless you wanted it to. And you probably don’t know a better video editor to do this project,” he bites his lip and raises his eyebrows while trying to gauge your reaction.

Your eyes are suddenly filled with tears again, thinking about how much Grayson really loves this baby. You nod and wipe under your eyes. “Yeah, that’d be cute,” you squeak out, not trying to let on how affected you are buy his words.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He moves his hand to rub your thigh. “Only good things, sweet girl.”

You nod and laugh. “I know. Everything makes me cry now.” You sniffle and breath in, collecting yourself a bit. “I’m ready, let’s do it.”

He reaches into his pocket and brings his phone out, holding it up so that you’re both in the frame. He starts to record and you watch the both of you on the screen. “Hello to whoever is lucky enough to be shown this video.” This makes you giggle, and he smiles. “We just got out of our first appointment together and saw our little baby for the first time.” He instinctively puts his hand on your stomach and your hand goes on top of his. “If you’re our precious baby watching this, we are so excited to meet you. Your mama and I already love you so much.” This makes you squeeze his hand and he looks over to you. “Anything you wanna say?”

“I dunno. What do you think I should say?” You giggle, your cheeks flushing when you meet his eyes.

“Anything you’ll wanna remember in a couple years. I know it’s weird talking to a camera at first, but I’ll cut this all out.” His gaze is kind and patient while you think of what you want to say.

“It’s still so surreal that I’m even pregnant, but hearing our baby’s heartbeat today has made me so grateful I’m able to be in this position. I’ve been so excited to be a mom my whole life, so if you’re my beautiful baby watching, thank you for making my dreams come true.” You smile at the camera and Grayson keeps his eyes on you. You look to him expectantly.

He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts before turning to look at the camera.

“We’re about to go feed mama and baby now, as long as they’re feeling good of course. If baby is watching this still, thank your mom for all she went through for you when she was growing you, she’s working hard,” he chuckles and you laugh.

“I’m feeling good right now. Want a turkey BLT, actually.”

“What the woman wants, she gets. We’ll see you whenever the next exciting thing happens.” He turns the recording off and puts his phone away, starting the car.

“That’s gonna be really cute,” you sigh, the smile still sitting on your face.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be nice to have when we want to look back on all of this,” he pauses. “Do you know somewhere nearby with good sandwiches?”

“Yeah, there’s a deli like five minutes from here.”

You and Grayson head to the deli and have a nice lunch. Well, you do. Grayson eats a plain roll and pickles because all of the sandwiches had meat on them. You felt really bad, but he assured you it was okay because your little strawberry was craving a BLT.

Once you finish your sandwich, you notice he’s kind of zoned out.

“Grayson?” You look at him, folding your trash up while he just stares at you.

“Come stay with me for the rest of your break,” he blurts out all of a sudden. Your eyes widen.

“What?”

“Come stay for the next few days. We’re not going to get a lot of time together until you’re already halfway through everything.”

You start laughing awkwardly. “Grayson, I can’t just live with your family for a few days, they don’t know me. We don’t really know each other. Wouldn’t that be weird?”

He opens his mouth to rebuttal, but closes it again to think for a moment.

“It’s okay, Grayson. We don’t have to act like any of this is normal, we don’t have to force anything. Everything you’ve done for me has really been for strawberry. Don’t feel like you have any obligation to me.”

Grayson looks a bit hurt by your words, but nods. “Ready to go?” He stands up.

You sigh and nod, getting up with him. You throw your trash out and walk out with him. His hand doesn’t reach for you.

When you’re both settled back into his car, he sighs out your name so that you’ll look at him.

“I know this is all weird and stuff, but we’re going to have to be friends to raise this baby together. And my friends have come to stay with me at this house before. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. Nine months isn’t a long time to start, never mind the fact that we won’t really see each other until you graduate, and I want us to be in the best place possible for our baby.” He starts the car, not looking at you while he finishes speaking.

“I’m sorry I got weird. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything for me.” You cross your arms, trying to shrink into the cushions of your seat.

“You’re right, technically I don’t. But I’m not a piece of shit and I plan on being a good dad. Plus, any friend of Jessie’s is a friend of mine, so even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, we still would have hung out whenever you were in Jersey. I do what I want, and this is what I want to do.” He stops at a red light and looks at you for a second to see a pout on your lips. “And I hate being the reason you don’t smile. So, if you wanna, come stay with me for the next few days let’s do it, but if that makes you uncomfortable you should stay with Anna. We’re in the same boat, we both don’t have do anything we don’t want to.”

You sit there silently, pondering for a moment. A part of you dwells on the fact that he said you guys are friends, but friends don’t have other friend’s babies and then have them stay at their house with their family. The other part of you wants to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy your time with him before he moves on to start a life with someone for real.

“I’ll come,” you mumble. It almost surprises you more than Grayson that that’s your answer. You’re gonna blame the hormones for making you so impulsive.

“Okay.” His smile grows across his face. “Do you wanna come tomorrow morning so that you can have one more night with Anna?”

“Yeah, they’re gonna want to have dinner with me tonight if I’m not going to see them for a while.”

You guys pull back into the doctor’s office parking lot and he brings you back to your car. He parks and turns to you.

“I’m really excited to spend time with you, Y/N. Besides the fact you’re pregnant with my kid, you’re pretty funny sometimes,” he laughs. You scoff jokingly, biting your lip as you look at him.

“Sometimes? Well I think your jokes are cheesy.”

“Oh, do you now? Is that why you laugh every time?”

“Shut up,” you laugh with him, unbuckling your seatbelt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? And don’t freak yourself out about meeting my mom, she’s excited to meet you. She’s really excited to meet the amazing woman giving her a grandchild.”

Your eyes widen a bit. “I forgot I was going to meet her. Now I’m more freaked out than before.” You wondered how you’d even introduce yourself to her. Hi I’m Y/N, your son and I hooked up literally once and are now having a baby.

“Hey, get out of your head, sweet girl. I told you, she’s excited. You’ll get along well, anyways. You’re pretty similar people.” He leans over to rub your thigh.

“Okay, I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You squeeze his hand and open the door to get out. You turn to close the door and it looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t. You wave and shut the door before getting back in your car.

What the hell did you get yourself into?

***

Grayson walks back into his house, almost body slamming Ethan by accident.

“Dude, watch out. Were you sitting here waiting for me the whole time?” He jokes, an annoyed Ethan rubbing his chest where Grayson’s shoulder hit him.

“No, stupid. I was going to take the quad for a ride. How’d the appointment go?” He watches Grayson put his keys down.

“Good. We heard the heartbeat and stuff, everyone’s healthy.” Grayson smiles to himself just thinking about it.

“It took, like, three hours for the doctor just to tell you that? Ma and I were scared something bad happened.”

“Nah, I took Y/N to lunch after because she really wanted a sandwich and it’s usually hard for her to even eat anything that early.”

“Oh, a date?” Ethan raises his brow as Grayson turns to him. Grayson rolls his eyes.

“No. A ‘you’re pregnant with my baby thanks for growing it’ lunch.”

“Yeah, okay. You’re gonna lie and tell me you’re not already in love with her or some shit?”

“E,” Grayson groans.

“No dude, you have to be careful. She’s going to be a part of your life forever now. Don’t fuck it up by falling too fast and then moving on. She’s not one of your ‘soulmates.’ She’s the mother of your kid. Just be smart.” Ethan opens the door and goes outside.

Grayson stands there for a minute, considering what Ethan said. He’s right, he can’t get caught up in any feelings he has for you because whatever relationship you have, it has to last forever. He knows he has the tendency to fall fast and then move on fast, too. He can’t do that with you.

***

You say your goodbye’s to Anna and her family before you head off to Jersey. You decide to call Grayson instead of texting him to let him know you’ve left. He picks up on the fourth ring.

“Hey, what’s up? Everything okay?”

This makes you laugh. “Yeah, the only time something is wrong is when I call you and something is wrong is at night. I just wanted to let you know I left so I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Oh, good. Okay. Can I make any breakfast for you?”

“Absolutely not. Can’t eat right now.”

“I’m sorry.” He pauses. “I’m gonna go to the store right now, tell me what you need.” You hear him shuffle around on the other end.

“What I need? Nothing,” you giggle.

“Oh my god my baby mama doesn’t even use shampoo I think I’m the one who has morning sickness now,” you hear him fake gag which makes you laugh harder.

“Grayson, I’ve got little toiletries and stuff. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want you to be fine, I want you to be comfortable. Now tell me what I’m buying you because I’m already in the car.”

You list off all the products you use, the snacks have been your favorites, and he even says he’s going to get facemasks for you all to do.

When you pull into the long driveway, the butterflies erupt in your stomach. You had absolutely no clue how this would go, but there was no turning back now. You couldn’t, the driveway was too narrow to do that.

You reach the house and pull up next to the other cars in the driveway. You see Grayson sitting on the porch, which makes you laugh.

You turn the car off and go to gather your things when you hear your door open. You turn and see a giddy Grayson standing there.

“Hey.”

You laugh. “Hi there.”

“Where’s your stuff?”

“My bag is in the back seat.” He moves to grab your bag as you get your purse and hop out of the car, closing your door. He does the same once he’s got your bag on his shoulder.

“Welcome to the humble abode,” he says as he leads you by putting his hand on your back. You walk to the door and he opens it, letting you step in first.

“It is so nice in here.”

“My mom is super into décor and stuff. Wanna see where you’re staying?” You nod and he leads you to a closed door. When you look inside you see a bed next to… the washing and drier machine? You give him a questioning look.

“So we don’t have a guest room and I moved my bed into here because Ethan is annoying and I can’t share a room with him anymore. I’ll sleep on the couch.” You nod, walking inside. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not ideal. Ethan and I are gonna look for our own place when we’re back for the summer.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve slept in way worse place,” you giggle and he raises his brow.

“Alright, won’t ask. Ethan’s been low key dying to see you, even if he won’t admit it. He’s excited to meet his little niece or nephew.”

“Well I can’t deny him of that, can I? Where is he?”

Grayson leads you out into the main area. Ethan’s sitting at the dining table on his computer when he looks up and sees you. He’s immediately jumping up out of his seat.

“Y/N!” He runs over, but is stopped short by Grayson’s hand on his chest.

“Chill, bro. She’s pregnant. Don’t tackle her.”

Ethan rolls his eyes, ignoring him and keeping eye contact with you. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you giggle. He looks at you expectantly. You’re fully laughing now as you grab his hand and put it on your stomach. He’s falling to his knees instantly, his other hand going to the other side of your tummy.

“Hey baby. I know you don’t have ears or anything yet, but this is Uncle E talking to you. You have a whole bunch of people out here waiting for your arrival, but I’m definitely the most excited.” Grayson slaps the back of his head. “Ow. Okay, most excited besides your parents. I’ll be the cool uncle and all that.” He stands back up, looking at you again. “Sorry. Hi, how are you?” He laughs.

“I’m good, how are you?” You giggle.

“Good, yeah,” he nods. You all just stand there for a second looking at one another.

“Okay, we’re getting all the awkward out now because I refuse to be treated like the random hookup who got pregnant. Okay?” You look at the both of them and they look a bit surprised by your boldness. “Sorry, I’ve lost the little filter I had before.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Awkward is all gone now. Let’s give you a tour.” Ethan puts an arm around your shoulder and brings you into the kitchen, leaving Grayson where he’s standing. He follows behind you, his hands in his pockets while he watches the both of you interact.

You and Ethan get along really well. After your initial moment, it seems like you’d actually be really good friends. You felt bad for not talking to him more over winter break.

Grayson is not a huge fan. He’s sitting on the sidelines watching you talk and laugh while Ethan tells you all about the new video they’re editing right now. Before Grayson can cut in, Lisa walks in.

She smiles. “You must be Y/N.”

You stand from your chair, giving a soft smile as you wipe your sweaty hands on your leggings. “Hi, Mrs. Dolan. It’s really nice to meet you.” You hold your hand out to her and she laughs, pulling you into a hug.

“Honey, call me Lisa.” She rubs your back before pulling away and holding your elbows to look you in the eyes. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good!”

“Really? That’s good! These two put me through hell when I was pregnant with them. Can I get you anything?” You shake your head.

“No, I’m okay for now.”

“Just trying not to puke?” You laugh and nod. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’d know that face anywhere. Your first trimester is almost over, so you should be feeling better soon. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She squeezes your arms before stepping back.

“Of course. Thank you for letting me stay.”

“This home is as much yours as it is Grayson’s now. You’re welcome here any time.” You smile and nod.

“Alright, you’re all gonna scare her away. Y/N, come see upstairs?” Grayson interjects and a part of you is relieved. Even though things were going really well, you were still on edge. You nod and go to follow him upstairs.

“I’m sorry about that, they just want you to feel comfortable here.” He leads you into a bathroom and shuts the door, making you laugh. “What?”

“The last time we were in this situation I got pregnant.” He starts laughing with you and you let your hand fall onto his shoulder.

Once you calm down, you smile widely at him. “They’re good people. Nice people. I’m sorry if I seem rude or off, I was just so anxious.”

He nods and pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back. You melt into him snuggling into his warm chest.

“It’s okay, they definitely understand. Plus, you didn’t seem anything but positive and happy. I couldn’t even tell you were trying not to puke.” You can feel his laugh rumble up through his chest.

“I’m still trying not to,” you laugh with him and he pulls back holding your shoulders to inspect your face. “I’m not gonna. Probably.” He raises his eyebrow. “Okay, if I do I’ll tell you so you can leave.” His face falls at that.

“No, I’ll sit with you and rub your back and all that. Get you water and stuff.” You’re shaking your head immediately.

“I hate puking in front of people. It’s okay, I’ve been doing it for weeks now. I’ve got a routine.” He pouts and pulls you back into a hug.

“I’m sorry. Please tell me if I can do literally anything for you.”

“You do enough, Gray. Don’t worry about it,” you mumble into his chest.

“What do you usually do to feel better?”

“Anything to distract myself. I just need to not think about it.”

“Challenge accepted.” He removes himself completely from you, opening the door. “Let’s go.”

The rest of the day with the Dolans is great. Grayson was right, you and Lisa are very similar and get along almost as well as you and Ethan do. You’re grateful they’re being so kind to you. Grayson is happy you’re getting along with his family, but it also makes him feel something he hasn’t felt in a while. Jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit that he likes having all of your attention, but he can’t act like he doesn’t want it all the time. When you’re on the phone with him, you’re usually alone. He liked when he got to hear about your day and then he got to open up to you. What can he say, he’s a selfish man.

That’s why when the night is winding down, he asks his family if you guys can watch a movie alone. Lisa goes up to her room for the night, but Ethan isn’t so kind at first.

“What, you don’t want me to crash your date?” He sits beside you on the couch where you’re right next to Grayson. Your cheeks blush and Grayson rolls his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up, E. Go away, you’ve harassed her all day.”

You open your mouth to say something but Ethan beats you to it.

“What if she likes spending time with me? After all, I am the better twin.”

“Bro if you don’t stop talking, I’ll fucking hit you.” “Yeah Gray? Doubt it. Y/N, I don’t blame you for-“ Ethan can’t finish his sentence before Grayson is up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt to get him to stand up.

“Out. Now.” Ethan holds his hands up in mock surrender as he backs away.

“Fine. I’m out. But, you know. Have a good date. Use protection.” He laughs as he walks up the stairs. You chuckle as Grayson huffs and plops down next to you.

“I fucking hate him sometimes. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, that shit was kind of funny.”

Grayson settles in, remote in one hand and your thigh in the other. “What do you wanna watch?”

“Anything’s fine, I’m pretty tired anyways.” He nods and puts on Someone Great. You’d already seen it, but you didn’t say anything. You’d probably be asleep within ten minutes, anyway.

You were right. You don’t even remember seeing the first five minutes of the movie. You’re slumped on Grayson’s shoulder, snoring softly.

Grayson does everything in his power not to move, not wanting to disturb you. He thought you were cute when you slept.

You’re woken up when you feel Grayson shifting underneath you. You’d moved to be half on top of him in your sleep. You decide to ignore it, hoping you’d just fall back asleep. But, he’s moving under you again.

“Gray?” You mumble, barely audible.

“Sorry, sweet girl. Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay. Stop moving.”

“Yeah, okay.” He puts his hands on your torso, shifting you a bit before he stills. That’s when you realize what you hear. There are moans coming from the tv. You open one eye, looking at the screen and sure enough they’re having sex. You giggle a bit.

“Hmm?” Grayson hums, running a hand over your back.

“Did the sex scene make you uncomfy?” This makes him laugh, shaking your body with his.

“No. Not uncomfy.” You suck in a breath at the implication of his words. You think back to what Anna said. Pregnant sex would probably be really hot. But you have no idea if he’d even be interested in that.

“Missing your girls from LA?” You’re asking before you can control your tongue. Your eyes widen as you realize what you’ve said. You might just chop your tongue off completely.

“What?”

“Nothing, was a joke. Let me sleep.” You breathe out, hoping he didn’t hear you.

“Y/N.” He pats your back and then pushing your shoulder to roll you over. He grabs your chin so you have to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were missing your LA girls. It was a joke, because of the whole sex scene. Didn’t mean anything by it.” His face looks stone cold, like you’ve made him mad. “I’m sorry.”

“There are no LA girls,” he huffs, rolling his eyes. You raise your eyebrows. “What, do you think I’m a fuck boy or some shit?”

“Well, kinda.”

He looks genuinely shocked at your words, shaking his head. “Y/N, no. Hell no. Even if I was before, not now. There’s no LA girls, and there never have been.” He crosses his arms, completely retracting from you. You sit up.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s a shitty assumption, but I mean what were we doing? I just thought you did that with everyone.”

He bites his lip, thinking carefully about what he wants to say next.

“I know what we did was only once, but I thought you were a good person. After we left, I kinda looked forward to when I’d see you over the summer whenever Jessie would bring you around. I don’t know what I was thinking or expecting, but it wasn’t a one and done deal. Ethan just really didn’t feel good that morning and made me leave before I could see you.”

You nod, taking this new information in. Of all the things he was going to say, you didn’t expect that. Although, he seems to always be filled with surprises.

“I’m sorry. It was a stupid comment, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Have there been any college guys?” He raises a brow.

“What? No. Even if I didn’t feel like a chubby marshmallow or some shit, no. I was…affected by our night together. And not just in the pregnant way.” You lean back next to him, mirror his posture.

“Oh, so you couldn’t stop thinking about my dick?” He smirks at you. You hit his arm and laugh.

“Shut up, that makes it sound so…dirty.”

“If it’s not dirty, then how were you thinking about it?”

“I don’t know. Just knew no one would really meet my expectations like you did.” Your voice is getting quieter and quieter as you feel like you want the couch to swallow you up.

“Yeah? How so?”

“You’re the first guy to make me finish.”

He gasps. “Y/N, no. Liar.”

You shake your head slowly, biting your lip.

“Wow. First guy to make you cum, first guy to impregnate you. I’m on a roll.” He puts his arm around your shoulder as you laugh.

“Oh god, I’m feeding his ego more and more.” You throw your arms up in defeat and he laughs.

“Well, the thought of you getting off to the thought of me this whole time definitely feeds my ego.”

Your cheeks blush as you roll your eyes. “Shut up.”

He laughs harder, pulling you closer to his body. “Nothing to be ashamed of, baby. Your hormones are raging. I’ve heard through the grapevine that pregnant women are horny all the time.”

“The grapevine? Who’s that?” “…Movies.”

“Alright well if you’ve got no LA girls, then you’ve been jerking off to the thought of me, too so I don’t appreciate the mockery.” You finally look at him, pointing your finger at him.

He bites his lips, his cheeks also becoming a dark shade of red. “You’ve caught me red handed.”

You giggle and poke his cheek. “That’s what I thought. Bet your fantasy is all ruined now that I’m getting bigger, though.”

He looks at you genuinely confused. “What?” You look at him with the same look of confusion. “Pregnancy isn’t sexy.”

He laughs. Like genuine, whole hearted laughter. “What are you talking about?” “What are you talking about?” You fire back.

“The fact that you’re pregnant with my baby is the hottest shit ever. I did that shit. We did that shit. It’s hot.”

“We can agree to disagree, then.”

So much for trying to keep things simple, Grayson thinks to himself.

“Let me prove it.”

***

Read the next part here

[initforthelongrun2019]

Pu Luong Part 2

Three weeks have passed since I completed the Vietnam Jungle Marathon; an extremely challenging trail run in Pu Luong, northern Vietnam. Some of you may remember that I took part in this race last year, and I didn’t have the best experience. I had a terrible sleep thanks to karaoke which kept me up all night at the homestay, I wasn’t race fit, my injury was reaching its peak and yet, despite all of this, I was still over-confident; having completed 122km just a few months before I thought this would be easy. The extreme heat made the entire race unbearable and, unlike most races I’d done in the past, there was very little shade, with large stretches of the race which were under direct sunlight. 70km felt like 700km and there were multiple points in the race where I thought about dropping out. However, it was - and still is - one of the most beautiful races I’ve ever done, and I knew I would go back someday. This year, the race was postponed to October due to Covid19. I hadn’t actually signed up to the original race in May, and only decided to register a few weeks before when I realised it coincided with my week of annual leave. I had taken some time off to celebrate my 30th birthday and I knew it would mean that birthday celebrations would have to be tamer than usual; but I was actually quite happy about that (maybe a sign that I am getting sensible in my old-ish age)?! I didn’t want to make the same mistake as last year; going wild at a festival the weekend before the race wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made. Despite having a much better lead up to the race, preparation still didn’t go quite as planned. Actually, there wasn’t really a plan at all, but I hit a bit of a wall over summer where running was the last thing I wanted to do. I struggled with the heat and my confidence in my running abilities diminished, day by day. As the cooler weather approached, so did the storms, and as soon as I found my running mojo, I was prevented from running due to the numerous tropical storms and typhoons that have hit us in Central Vietnam over the last few weeks and months. I managed a good running streak on a recent work trip to Hanoi and HCMC, with two consecutive half marathons and a few other runs, all at a much better pace than I’ve done in a while, so this helped my confidence and made me feel somewhat ready for the race. Once again, I booked the VJM race package and travelled to Pu Luong on Friday morning, taking in the beautiful sights along the way. I remember last year when I was living in Thailand and travelled to Vietnam for this race, and how excited I felt about moving to a new country, as I passed the countryside in all its glory. The bus took longer than necessary due to a very cautious driver and a couple of wrong turns, but eventually we arrived at the wonderful Pu Luong Retreat, and I immediately fell in love. The bungalow I was sharing with my friend Stephan was adorable and had the most amazing view of the swimming pool (which I knew I wouldn’t have time to go in) and the never ending rice paddies. Once again, I wished that I had signed up for a shorter race so I would finish at a reasonable hour and get back in time to enjoy my wonderful accommodation. After a late lunch and early dinner, I got into bed around 8pm, hoping I would have a good sleep, especially as I’d been so tired all day. I am taking medication at the moment and it’s making me feel exceptionally sleepy; I was worried this might impact on the race so stopped taking it for a couple of days, but I still felt exhausted. Yet the moment my head hit the pillow, my eyes opened and I was wide awake. I had a very broken sleep; I couldn’t relax properly and I felt exhausted when my alarm went at 1:50am. But I jumped straight out of bed, knowing snoozing wouldn’t do me any good, and packed my bag, with all of the items I’d laid out next to it the previous day. It was very cold at that time in the morning and when I left the bungalow, I couldn’t stop shivering, even though I was wearing long sleeves. I desperately wanted a hot coffee but I didn’t have time; I had to leave the room with time to pick up breakfast and catch the bus at 2.30am. We arrived at the start line way too early and spent the remaining time fuelling and desperately trying to keep warm. I forced myself to eat a breakfast of rice, which was way too salty, and a couple of small energy bars. I never eat in the morning, never mind in the middle of the night, but last year I didn’t eat anything and I soon regretted that, so I wasn’t ready to make the same mistake. As I crossed the start line at 4am, the nerves I’d been struggling with since the day before hit me hard. I started my brand new Garmin (a birthday present to myself) and ran with about 200 other runners along the 5km route, which would take us to our very first climb. It was strange starting a race with so few runners; although the 70km and the 55km groups started at the same time, it still felt so much quieter than normal. Once I reached the bottom of the climb, I had a flashback to the previous year; the crazy amounts of people trying to trek up the narrow path and the one guy behind me who kept stabbing my with his hiking poles. I was soon thankful that the trail wasn’t so crowded and enjoyed having space to breathe; there were some points where I didn’t have anyone behind or in front of me which was surprising, but enjoyable.

Enjoyment soon turned to pain, as the never ending climb started to take its toll. But because I had done the race before, I knew that the most incredible view would be waiting for me at the top, and I kept this in my mind the entire time. I refuelled with gels and energy bars a couple of times, to give me the strength to reach the top, but I soon found that I was struggling. Hoi An, where I live now, is extremely flat, and there aren’t many hills to climb, unless you go looking for them. I also don’t do much hiking anymore (which breaks my heart) and I could feel the impact of that. Hills used to be my strong point, but I could feel myself flagging, whereas normally I would be pushing myself to reach the top. It was a struggle, but once which was totally worth it, as I had expected. I saw a couple of runners from previous races and celebrated with them when we saw the sun rising over the rolling hills. After this, I knew there was a very steep decline; something I hated last year, as I didn’t have my hiking poles. I only started running with poles after my fourth or fifth race, and this year I was delighted to have them, as they meant the downhill was nowhere near as painful. Downhills used to be my weak spot, but since I’ve started running with poles I don’t fear them nearly as much as I used to. I do struggle with confidence a little, so as I was running I was muttering a little mantra to myself; ‘be brave, be brave’. And then I fell, twice. My legs were feeling sore already from the climb, but I peeled myself back off the floor and carried on running down. My confidence soared when only a few other runners passed me; normally I am constantly having to move out of the way for the stronger ones on the declines, and I hate it. Maybe it was due to not many runners being on the trail in the first place, or maybe I’m getting a little bit better. Who knows, but it definitely helped!

After I reached the first checkpoint, I filled up my water, had a couple of pieces of fruit, and set off on my way to the next checkpoint. This one was much further, but I knew that it was relatively flat – and therefore relatively runnable. Last year I was so exhausted that I struggled with this part, but this year I found my legs and started to run, at a fairly decent pace. Again, I was surprised that no one passed me, and found it a little unnerving that I couldn’t see anyone in front of me, or behind me for that matter. I knew that I wasn’t way ahead, so I worried that I was at the back, but again I think it was more because there just weren’t as many runners on the trail compared to what I’m used to.

This is the only time I have ever run the same race twice and I was a little apprehensive knowing the route would be familiar. Normally I don’t even look at the course route when I sign up for a race; I have no idea about elevation or checkpoints, as I like to take each part of the trail as it comes. I find that if I break it down and attack it bit by bit, checkpoint to checkpoint, then it seems much more manageable. I was also a little conscious about running with a watch; again I quite like to be in blissful ignorance, so I wasn’t too sure about how I would feel about being able to constantly track my distance. However, I found that knowing the route and checking my distance helped rather than hindered, as I was able to talk myself through the difficult bits, knowing that there were some positives to come. I also loved how the memories of last year came flooding back, especially taking into consideration how much I struggled; it was a relief knowing that I didn’t feel half as bad.

On the flip side, I also knew that I had to tackle the beast; this was on my mind for the entire time as I knew for sure that this would be the worst bit. I was starting to feel quite sick and nauseous as I reached checkpoint four, and almost passed out at one point! I have no idea why; I felt like I had enough nutrition, it wasn’t too hot (although still a little hotter than I had bargained for) and I was constantly taking in enough water. However, I still continued to feel dehydrated, something I struggled with even during my flat runs in Hoi An in the summer months, so perhaps I will need to think about taking salts in the future. Anyway, I still carried on, and powered up the huge hill to checkpoint five feeling much stronger and way more positive about finishing, compared to last year. This was the part where the 55km and 70km runners split, so I saw even less people on the trail, but by this point I was actually getting in to the rhythm and quite enjoying being by myself. I reached checkpoint five, happy to see some other runners – including some familiar faces – and then battled on to checkpoint six; the final one before the beast.

The beast was brutal. The nauseous feeling wasn’t going away and I knew it would be made so much worse by the climb I had ahead of me. There were sweepers on the route; wonderful, energetic, smiley sweepers, who encouraged us all to keep going. One of them saw that I was feeling a little faint and told me he would stay right behind me, and he patiently followed me until I reached the top and was at a safe point. Once I reached the top, there was a lady selling cans of coke and all the joy of the Moc Chau race came flooding back to me, when another lady was strategically placed with a box of cold drinks on a very steep hill. Not only did this lady make me exceptionally happy, I was also impressed by her strength and the fact she had managed to carry such a huge amount of weight up that hill. Not for the first time did I start to feel a combination of admiration and embarrassment; throughout the race I constantly passed local people; many of them quite elderly, who were carrying large items up insane hills. As I struggled past them, with my fancy camelbak, hiking poles, and trail running shoes, I couldn’t help thinking what on earth they thought of us? It’s something they do every single day and, given the chance to enter the race, I’m sure they would probably smash it! The descent down the beast was nowhere near as painful as last year, thanks to my hiking poles, and I was happy to see checkpoint 7; the final cut off checkpoint! After this point, it meant that I could take my sweet time.

However, I still wanted to finish as quickly as possible; I take zero enjoyment from running in the dark and I knew that the hotel was selling mulled wine and mango daiquiris which I had been craving since around 5am that morning. I powered my way through to checkpoint 8 which arrived much sooner than I anticipated, and then made my way through the cold, muddy river crossings - of which there were many – to the finish line.

I was so desperate to get back to my hotel - my wonderful friend Jasmine had ordered food and alcohol which was already waiting for me - that as I crossed the finish line I took my medal and quickly demanded to know where I could collect my drop bag and where the bus would depart from. I completely forgot to shake the person’s hand who awarded me with my medal, and I felt slightly rude, but I had daiquiris and fries on the mind and I wanted them as quickly as possible. I had just missed the 8pm bus, so I had to wait until 9pm, or until the bus filled up. Knowing there weren’t many people close by me on the trail, I thought I had a very long wait on my hands, but luckily it filled up pretty quickly and we set off, on a journey which was much longer than the one it took to get to the start line! All I could think of was how badly I needed a hot shower – I couldn’t face a cold shower at the finish line so I was extremely muddy, not to mention very stinky – AND A HOT MULLED WINE.

I crossed the finish line in 16 hours 10 mins; 35 minutes quicker than last year. I also placed in the top 10 females (doesn’t matter that there were only nine females) and I was the top British female (of which there was only one, but again, it doesn’t matter). It still counts!

[nettheworldonfire]

If the Genes Fit, Test Them.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.  Somewhere between the drama and chaos that was diagnosis, first treatment, and weaning my 6.5 month old external tumor, and now the end of life as we know it (also known as COVID-19), I just didn’t have much to say, or much time to say it.

So while Charlie is sleeping, and Olive is screaming at me in her typical zombie-esque growl and tossing each toy I give to her on the ground, repeatedly, I’ll painstakingly stop and start this post, until I’ve given a short update about all that has been going on.

Genetic Counseling Update: On Wednesday I spoke to a genetics counselor over the phone.  I was supposed to go in, but the appointment was modified due to COVID-19 and we took care of everything via phone.  The counselor’s name was Stephanie and she was extremely kind and informative.  She called me promptly at 8 am and the call lasted almost exactly one hour, like she said it would.  (I kind of wish all appointments were this easy.)  They are sending me out a saliva swab kit to test my DNA.  The kit should arrive within a week, I’ll send it back out, and I should have those results within a month.  Easy peasy.

Stephanie said that about 10% of neuroendocrine tumor patients are genetically predisposed to getting cancer.  While only about 1 of those percents are people with my type of neuroendocrine tumors, due to my family history, they think it is smart to check.  On my mother’s side, I have a second cousin who also has pancreatic neuroendocrine tumors and liver metastasis (she recently started Lanreotide injections, too).  Additionally, my mother’s father had a neuroendocrine tumor on his spine, near the nape of his neck, which they assumed was was not cancerous, even though it was fatal. He was diagnosed in the 70s though, and then Neuroendocrine tumors were thought to not be cancerous because of how slow-growing they are.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago, we tried to access his records from his more recent Jefferson hospital stays/surgeries (he passed away in the early 2000s) but we were not able to obtain them.  Anyway - that is enough to make this a fishy scenario. And in the words of the counselor, “reasonable to think there is an underlying genetic predisposition.”

While the most important reason for genetic testing right now is to find out if my immediate family may also be at risk for these type of tumors, it can also be helpful to know what treatments may be beneficial.  If an underlying genetic cause is found, it would trigger two things - testing for my mother and brothers, and testing for my children.  A genetic predisposition has a 50/50 chance of being passed to your children, so therefore, if I have it (presumably from my mother, since it’s on that side of the family) it would typically indicate that she does and my brothers and children have a 50/50 chance of having it, too.  There is yet a third consideration though - which is that it is a NEW genetic predisposition started with ME.  Apparently, there are 10 new genes in each baby, that did not come from either mother or father, meaning that issues like these can start with anyone, at any point (crazy, huh?).  

They told us that this testing, if not covered by insurance, costs $250 per person - something I think is worth it, in the long run.  I don’t think they would test my children now, but they said they would fairly early - and if they also have the gene - they would be followed/scanned regularly to ensure there are no tumors.  Definitely not the sort of thing you want to have passed down to the kids (I think they would prefer a family fortune, or a shorehouse) - so fingers crossed that I don’t have this gene and it’s all just a horribly shitty coincidence.  

Adventures of Olive in Formula-land Update:   My (adorable) hungry, hungry hippo is now taking 25-30 ounce of formula daily, from a regular medela bottle with a disposable enfamil nipple (go figure), like a freaking champion.  This girl can eat.  She is so proud of her bottle-loving self, that she gets up three or four times a night to show me how much she loves her fancy formula.  Luckily, she is four months away from regular old milk (or an abundance of yogurt and cheese, the route Charlie opted for) and we can stop spending $30 a week on her elitist beverage of choice.  I joke, but really I am thrilled that the horror of weaning is over.  That nearly killed me.  And in more personal news, I didn’t even have to pump that long, didn’t really get sore, and have pretty much stopped producing much at all - so that is a literal relief.

University Update:  After learning I was locked into paying for the course I had started a few days before my diagnosis, I was annoyed and anxious about what was the best course of action.  I decided that it would be better, for the purposes of my sabbatical (and needing to complete a certain amount of my program to meet the requirements of my district and not owe them back what I’ve earned this year) to struggle through the course, versus withdrawing, if we were paying for it either way.  So that’s what I did.  But, but rather than struggle through the course, I just kind of didn’t do anything.   I felt overwhelmed even thinking about it, so it was easier not to.  And I didn’t.  This past week, as week 8 (the final week) of my course began, I discussed my options for salvaging the course, so that I might at least “pass” with my chairperson.  She was accommodating and understanding, and now with even more craziness in the world, sympathetic.  She and I discussed a minimalist approach to completing back-work and hitting the milestones I missed in the last few weeks, so that I could still get some late credit.  I felt like so many of my students, basically asking, “What is the very least amount of work I can do and still pass your class?”  I suppose what goes around, comes around?

I started working my dissertation proposal again Thursday and will have more to work on this weekend - but should be able to pull off a small miracle.  I did send a crass email to the finance department and will likely be taking a hiatus from the program, as I am not sure where to go from here.  While I want to finish this dissertation and accomplish what I set out to -- I also just don’t give an eff at this point, and may want to spend the tiny bits of spare time I have doing things that make me genuinely happy.  After all, you only live (or die) once, and If the last two months say anything about life, well - that’s enough to scare anyone into treating each day as your last.

Side-effects Update: After my first injection, I felt okay for awhile, then got extremely tired for about two hours.  Later that night, I was quite nauseous and vomited a couple times.  By the next day, I felt a little wonky and sick - but overall, not terrible (more like a bad hangover).  Within two or three days, I think I felt normal again (what is normal anyway?).  Even now, almost three weeks later, I can still feel a bulbous spot in my upper butt cheek and from time to time it is sore.  I can definitely see why they recommend doing the injection on alternate sides.  The specialty pharmacy called me this week and everything is set up for my shot to arrive at Dr. Rose’s office sometime next week. He should be back to work on Monday and I am hoping he calls me with next steps/ideas.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to get blood work next week and I am not looking forward to sitting at Labcorp and germ swapping with my Abington area neighbors, but I will be careful.

Anxiety Update: I started a daily dose of 5 mg of Lexapro about the same time as I started the Lanreotide - I think I have been on it for 25 days maybe.  I can’t really tell if I feel a difference because everything has calmed down a bit, and we have a plan of action to tackle this cancer and I am not actively writing my dissertation - or if the medication is working?  Hard to say.  I do feel better(ish), minus the impending shitstorm that is COVID-19 lurking around every corner.  My doctor, however, didn’t think I was any more susceptible than a normal 37 year old, so that was the good news.  The bad news is, that if they start making triage decisions based on health - metastatic cancer is one of the things that means you don’t get a ventilator - so I better watch my back (and wash my hands, and not touch my face, and all that jazz).  We’re socially distanced though, and other than my appointments, we will remain that way until things are less deathy out there.

Options Update: I am assuming that the whole COVID-19 thing has changed his thoughts on doing the embolization in April, and since Dr. Teitelbaum felt it was something we could hold off on, I think that may be the route we go now.  I don’t even know if they would do it, or if it would be considered elective.  Not that anyone would elect to go through this, but you know.  Hoping I will have a conversation with him on Monday to sort this all out.  Til then...

* Dark side: Quarantine, still, and maybe forever.

* Bright side: A lull in posts means a lull in “activity” means a lull in bad news - I’ll take it! * Next steps:

3/30/20 - Conversation with Dr. Rose about the plan of action

4/1/20 - 10:00 a.m. - Bloodwork at Labcorp

4/6/20 (tentatively) - next Lanreotide injection (I forgot to write down the time!)

* Sciencey GIF:

[lillikat]

Dear Pervert – An Open Letter.

*Names will not be mentioned so as to protect the guilty. This letter may contain issues which could trigger those with a past history of sexual abuse or harassment - ie: most women*

Dear Pervert,

So we’ve been acquaintances on Twitter for what must be now 6 years or so.  You followed me, and I reciprocated.  I remember as I don’t find and follow many over there, only the truly fascinating, which you did not come under.

You whore your watercolour paintings on Twitter, occasionally asking for feedback and often not actually wanting it.  Just trying to “engage your audience” I suppose.  I gave feedback on works I liked and on aspects that you openly asked for.  Very occasionally you replied to me.  Nice, but busy and possibly rather self involved was my diagnosis of you from these interactions.

I believe you once sent me a spam message, whining about how you wanted me to promote you or join you on Facebook.  I ignored the crap out of that.  Perhaps there was more to that message, now I think about the way you treated me yesterday.

Your watercolours are supposedly amongst the best in the UK with your distinct style which you have given a unique name to (yes bitch, I did look you up and did some light internet homework after our interaction yesterday.  Some of these details were most unflattering, very eye-opening and brought some light to our interaction).  I was happy to retweet on my own terms, as I liked your use of light, perhaps even considered buying one at some point when I actually had money, obviously not now.  I wouldn’t want anything your fuckboy hands have been involved in anywhere near me now.

So despite our complete lack of personal interaction, really getting chatting to each other, you decided to push yourself on me yesterday.  Not the first, nor shall you be the last to demand my attention by DMing me out of nowhere, relying upon the fact I have manners and humanity, knowing that I would not outright ignore a simple greeting.  However, I smelt fuckery straight away.  You see a LOT of men seem to think I am here for their amusement, be that sexual or otherwise.

**Look boys, if your mum didn’t breast feed you enough or hug you, that is not my problem.   If you want me to be your therapist, I require payment and for you, “Dear Pervert” that price is tripled. **

So regardless of my thinking “oh shit, another man looking for a mother or slut and I can’t be titted being either.” I responded to your ill conceived, terribly spelt attempt at communication. Perhaps I was wrong, after all, you try to sell work through this Twitter account, by DM nevertheless, there’s just no way you’d risk your professional reputation by being a creepy man on this account, would you?

Yet you did exactly that.  7 messages, that’s what it took you. No romance, no wooing, no paying attention to social cues like me telling you I am busy working, hinting (so clearly that a dog would have picked up my not so subtleties) that I wanted to be left alone and had no interest in you whatsoever.  You just kept going didn’t you?  Did not give one fuck that you might be making me uncomfortable, annoyed and deeply nauseous.  No, because your dick was in control.  You pathetic sack of crap, you let your base animal instincts override any sense of socially acceptable behaviour that you might have had.

7 messages of me saying I am working and you sending badly spelt trash, bibbling on about how your in bed and so tired.  “Go to sleep then you absolute fanny and stop bothering me I have work to do” was what I was thinking but instead I stated “I am working, I have a lot to do so it will be many hours before I can similarly relax like you are doing.”

You piled on ambiguous emojis like a schoolgirl who’s just got their first smartphone.  “Here check this shit out” I called to my husband as I stated I thought I had yet another live one on DM. That was on your second message - the third in our entire interaction.  Then you witter on about distracting me from work. ”Dear Pervert”, you really should've bowed out but oh no, not you.  You felt entitled didn't you?  You then had me reaffirm my I AM BUSY statement and then sent me a shot of your erection barely clothed by grotty hospital style pyjamas.

What in the name of anything sacred or sane were you thinking?  At no point did I state any interest in your grotty ass.  Not one smidgeon.  Not one cell of my being asked for your vague innuendo then shot of your erection.  Bam! Rank pyjamas and that, in my face.

Thank you, “Dear Pervert”.  Thank you for not reading my timeline or taking any blind bit of notice that I am part of the #metoo movement, part of the #SexAbuseChat survivors.  Only recently found my voice.  Only started to barely grace the depths of my survival and story.  Barely trusting, yet finding strength in the shared stories of my sisters of the internet, stronger perhaps than I can ever be, who have managed to out their pain sooner.  More succinctly than I.

Do you want to know my first thought “Dear Pervert”?  You made me flashback to the time when I was on holiday with my natural father in a Bulgaria.  The last time he forced me to share a room with him. You made me recall those 2 weeks in all their glory.  Buckle up buttercup, because this is what you had me relive and refeel in all it's hideous detail. Part one. The Flasher. Not my first, by now I am in my early teens.  I have faced emotional, physical, psychological and sexual abuse for many years.  That was my secret. I became good at keeping secrets.  But that’s a whole set of tales for another time, “Dear Pervert”.

Back to the flasher.  My second by this point.  I am waiting to get breakfast, it’s a raised static trailer, I am short and have to tiptoe to see over the counter edge.  I place my order, the man says just a minute and exits.  I step back and wait for what must be 5-10 minutes.  I am looking at my shoes, bored and bewildered, when out of my peripheral vision I see the cook come back in, with his dick in his hand, masturbating furiously.  By now, I know what to do. I am a child and already had faced so much worse.  "Reaction, this shitbag wants me to give anything" was my first thought.  Now my first flasher I shot down in flames by pointing at his penis and in my loudest, best stage laugh proclaimed if that’s all he had he’d better see a surgeon.  This one deserved more and less.  I immediately looked down at my watch swore about this guy being a lazy so and so, then walked off in the opposite direction to the nearest busy shop.  I was shaking,  I thought I was going to pass out or throw up.  I walked slowly so he wouldn’t know I saw him, then sped up gradually, afraid this man was going to chase after me.

Part two. Daddy Dearest. I got back to the hotel room I shared with my father, telling him about the incident in full detail, as soon as he arrived.  Surely he will do something or know who to tell, was my logic.  No, in my natural father’s true style, he decided this would be the perfect occasion to show me his throbbing penis.  Again for no reason.  We were both reading later, after dinner.  Father was in his underpants & t-shirt, which until then never bothered me.  He then yelled jovially “hey what do you think of this?” and as I looked over at his bed he whipped down his underwear to reveal my second unwanted erection of the day.  Again “Dear Pervert” I cannot underline, that even at this tender age, I was not a person to be reckoned with.

Let me break this down for those who have never experienced true fear.  Seconds, feel like hours.  Your heart races, you feel giddy, throat goes dry you swallow - it’s sand, you feel the shaking start, the adrenaline has kicked it now you have an eternity in this moment of horror.  Sadly, I had lived here before.  Many times. Fortunately, I have learned how to construct complex battle plans in those uncomfortable moments.  A few seconds was all I needed.

I took one look at my natural father’s erection, raised an eyebrow and told him he should take that shit on children’s TV as a puppet act.  Perhaps the broom cupboard on CBBC would take his act? I then went back to reading my book.  I knew if I had reacted in any other way, we would have issues.  Joke it off, brush it off as just a bit of fun then jam in the fact YOU ARE A CHILD in large letters, in hopes he will see.  From that moment on, things between my father and I got worse.  The brutal reality I had to face was that my father wanted me.  Completely, in every sense of the word.  My everything. I had to run. I had to survive, again.  This had become my normality. I could never let him know that I had been here before.  I knew even then, he would see that information as some sort of gateway for him to start full on abuse mode.  I was not about to let that happen.

So to put it succinctly “Dear Pervert” you triggered memories of my father.  For that I hate you.

In your scale of thinking it’s nothing, your junk was technically covered.  No, no and NO. No means no, by the way. Drinking is not an excuse ever (looks like this excuse might be a habit for you “Dear Pervert”, again you made me look you up).

As for having a bad week, which was the main crux of your excuse.  A bad week?  Try having a hellish couple of years in which you almost lose every damn thing including your sanity and will to live.  I’ve had that and not once sent pics of my flaps to random internet men.  I think I might be able to speak on behalf of most women and say none of us would do that shit ever.  I mean genitals are not attractive.

You don’t even remotely tickle my turnip “Dear Pervert” so why in god’s name would you think “oooh my barely covered erection is just what this conversation needs”?

You sir are a fuckwit.  A massive gaping, diseased one at that.  I have spent a day and a half by now (yeah writing this much vitriol takes time, it’s a craft) hating you “Dear Pervert” for the following reasons.

1: You hold a position of power.  Lots of followers on Twitter, prolific artist, seemingly professional.  I am an artist, just starting out, being sneered at for my style by the likes of bigwigs such as you.  That is why I spoke to you on DM, that is why I gave you the time of day.  I thought we shared a common passion, that you might be wanting to talk shop or art.  You entered into a contract of trust and you pissed all over it.  That’s what you’re doing when you randomly seek attention from a woman on the internet by the way. If they give you the time of day back, count your blessings behave like a gentleman and keep your dick where it belongs.  Off my DMs and not in my face.  You abused your position of power.  For shame!

2: Right at the exact time your fuckery started my dog decided to start violently throwing up.  Yet I had to take time out to yell at you & report you.  So I’m just blaming you for my dog being sick, because I think she saw your pathetic wang and it made her chuck.  That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.  It pleases me to do so.

3: I have had panic attacks, stomach aches & headaches since, thanks to the constant supply of panic adrenaline that my body seems to use as some form of defence.  My heart has been racing, I can’t sleep & can’t eat.  So thank you for that trauma.

4: You didn’t even care when I yelled at you and told you that I am not here to be an object of sexual gratification nor amusement to internet randoms, that I was a human with actual real feeligns attached to them.  I also informed you that I am married, and again I didn’t want your pervy nonsense.  Now every letter is riddled with hidden intent and double entendre.  Every character takes on new meaning in light of your behaviour.  You gave me eye rolled emoji like a fucking child.  You make me sick.

5: I now worry about the safety of other women on the internet. Oh but fear not “Dear Pervert” the whisper network is in effect. I can’t out you here, but I absolutely can tell my loved ones to avoid you like a dose of virulent crabs.  They have been told you are not professional and you are not a safe person.  I think we can both agree on those very simple facts.  My ladies will give you wide berth, they will tell other women who will tell other women who will tell other women.  So in short if you’ve done this before (which I have to believe you have & much worse) it will come out eventually.  If you really were just showing your dick to me and I was your special first, note if you do this again, the network will get stronger.  Why?  Because we are looking out for one another in trying times, as only real, actual humans do.

With that “Dear Pervert” I sign off.

Know the pain you have caused me and know you just pushed me to out pain and truth that I have never done before.  You broke me, now there might be a landslide of cathartic outings here.

Sisters of the internet!  You are not alone, together we are stronger.  You there reading this, yes you.  You are a Goddess.  No you are, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Men, treat every woman as the Goddess she is.  After all women have paid homage to your masculinity for aeons.  Return the favour.

If we all treat each other as Gods & Goddesses, with the full respect that holds, perhaps there might be less of this infestation of men believing they have privilege over woman’s domain.  Because random internet boys, we owe you nothing not one thing, therefore you have no right to demand anything from us ever.

We are not your sex toys.

We have feelings.

Yours Blistering with Rage

L

[teamstevesass]

(I see) my future in your eyes (1/?)

Summary: An ensuing saga of cute and adorable married Finn and Rey, starting from the beginning of their marriage.

Rated: T

Warnings: None

Words: 1885

Notes: takes place in the nearish future of the sequel trilogies. 

Also on ao3

Many people dream of their wedding when they're young - the dress, the flowers, the venue, the groom - and Rey isn't excluded from this. It had always been her favorite thing to think of, because every time, no matter how different the vision, she was always off Jakku. None of the details mattered, so long as she was with people she loved and loved her in return, and they weren't on the desolate desert planet where she was forced to grow up.

As she grew older, the snippets of gossip grew dirtier, more mature, and more detailed. People stopped watching their mouths - not they ever worried about it too much before - and Rey started understanding more and more about the world. For example, her wedding night got added into her fantasies of weddings.

However, no matter how many times she envisioned it, dreamt it, planned it, Rey had never thought her wedding night would end with her on the bathroom floor after an extensive round of puking up everything she'd eaten in the past week. In fact, this event had never crossed her mind. Ever. Being sick on the happiest day of her life had never been a question.

Yet, here she is, head hunched over the toilet as Finn - her new husband she should be ravishing instead of puking on - holds her hair and offers soft words of comfort.

“Let it all out,” he's saying, rubbing circles between her shoulder blades. “It's okay. I'm here. It’s alright.”

When the bout of sickness seems to be over, at least for the moment, Rey lets her head fall against the cold toilet bowl, basking in the relief it gives her, no matter how temporary.

“This is just my luck,” she groans, holding her stomach as it rolls again. “The day I've dreamed of for so long, and I come down with the most miserable virus that wants to make me its home.”

Finn hums in agreement, but not before Rey notices his slight hesitation.

She frowns, suspicious. “Tell me. You shouldn't keep secrets from your wife.”

“It's just - what if it's not a virus?” Finn suggests with the shrug of his shoulder and a doubtful look.

“Food poisoning? I suppose it's possible.” There had been that questionable appetizer Chewie had insisted be put on the menu, but wouldn’t she have felt the effects sooner than six hours later?

“Well, maybe, but - Rey, think. You're nauseous, exhausted, and haven't had your monthly in three months. It's entirely possible you're -”

“No,” she denies, shaking her head. “I can't be. Can I? We were careful!”

“Except for that time on Corellia,” he reminds her.

All the blood drains from Rey’s face as the realization sinks in. There had been a mission on Corellia, one that had required Rey’s Jedi skills and Finn’s knowledge of First Order military tactics, and there's a chance they had gotten a little caught up in the moment of having a private hotel room.

“What about my shots?” she asks, but it’s a last ditch effort. Finn wouldn’t have brought this up if it were still a variable. “It's meant to prevent this!”

“I didn't want to say anything until I knew a bit more, but somehow the new batch of shots were less effective than promised. With the luck we have, it's entirely possible.”

Rey hopes it's not. They've been married for seven - eight? - hours, and there's still a war going on. And her Jedi training! How can she become a Jedi master when she has to run after a toddler all the time? People would suggest sticking Finn on toddler-watching duty, but that’s not fair to him. Why should she continue working when Finn’s job is just as valuable to the Resistance as her training?

But then an image pops into her mind; it’s her and Finn, only slightly older, sitting on the shore of the nearby lake, pointing out constellations to a young girl with Finn’s dark, curly hair, and the same bright smile. Somehow, she already knows who this is - feels a pull to the child as though they’re connected. Perhaps by the Force, or maybe it’s a mother-daughter connection.

Another scene replaces the first one. This time, she and Finn are in a large city - somewhere on Coruscant? - with some of their friends from the Resistance. Kids are running around the apartment, laughing and screaming with joy. Banners reading ‘Happy Birthday’ and matching balloons swallow the apartment with their bright colours, and Rey can safely assume that she’s in attendance of a child’s birthday party. There are no clear indicators, but she knows the child being celebrated is her own. (And that at least one party guest is from the Dameron clan, because damn if that kid isn’t the most confident five year old she’s ever seen. Or maybe they’re a Pava. Oh god, she hopes it isn’t both!)

The scene changes again, this time with a clear focus on two kids, both looking so similar Rey swears the younger is a clone who just hasn’t aged as quickly as the first. They’re both ten feet from the ground, sitting on a low-hanging branch of a tree on Yavin IV. A quick look around gives every indication that this is the Force Tree given to Shara Bey by Luke Skywalker all those years ago. (Also, it’s humming with power, and she knows of few trees that can do that.) Rey hears a muffled shout from Finn - something about keeping safe - before he approaches her and places a hand on her bulging stomach. (A third child?) He smiles warmly, and she seemingly falls in love with him all over again.

Soon, the images rotate through faster and faster, until Rey can only catch glimpses of what’s to come. It’s dizzying yet exhilarating, and Rey finds herself wanting more .

Once the visions end, however, she knows it’s for the best. The future is a finicky thing, and knowing too much can change everything. Besides, if her life follows this path, she’ll be able to experience the joy all over again.

She smiles softly, hand going to her abdomen, from where there’s the tiniest Force signature she’s ever felt: their child. “We do tend to have some wonderful luck.”

The next morning, all of Rey’s sickness seems to have passed, so she accompanies Finn down to the mess hall. Despite the usually busy hour, few people occupy the many tables, and it doesn’t take either very long to guess how many of their friends are nursing nasty hangovers. (There had been quite a lot of drinking the night before on their friend’s parts. Finn and Rey, of course, knew they wanted to remember their wedding, and had half a glass of some rare sparkling Alderaanian wine each.)

Halfway through their meal, Poe and Jessika saunter in, far too smug for what should be an extremely hungover Best Man and Maid of Honor, and sit themselves down beside the happy - and confused - couple.

“How are the two lovebirds this morning?” Jess asks, waggling her eyebrows.

“How are you two not dying of alcohol poisoning?” Finn retorts, obviously avoiding the question. “I saw how much you drank last night. You finished two entire bottles of Corellian whiskey. Each.”

Jess shrugs, grinning smugly. “I'm just that good.”

“And I think the better question is, why did Beebee see you two leaving the medcenter this morning?” Poe asks, poking his fork at them accusatorily.

Finn and Rey share a look that speaks a thousand words. As soon as they'd woken up, a trip to see Doc Kalonia had been in order. Although, really, it just confirmed everything they already knew. The thing is, Rey's not quite three months along, and Kalonia suggested waiting another week or so to tell people, just in case something happens, and neither are sure what to do.

“Damn, it's been twelve hours and they already have married people telepathy!” Jess loudly whispers to Poe. “Or maybe it's the force. Serious question, can you use your Jedi powers to talk to people through their minds? Or can you just read minds?”

“No, we can't talk with our minds,” Rey chuckles. Sadly, Finn’s force sensitivity isn’t enough to warrant him dropping everything to become a Jedi - not yet, at least, not while the war is still on-going  - so most Force-related things in their relationship are strictly one-way. “It's just, we have some news that we shouldn't share yet, but it's really great news that we really want to share.”

“Whatever this is, you can tell me. I am the greatest secret keeper on this base. Like, did you know that Poe had a massive crush on Kaydel when she first joined?”

“Jessika!” Poe hisses. “That was a secret!”

“That I never said out loud until now. I lasted five years, and I could’ve told Snap four years ago. So, I believe you are looking for the words ‘thank you’. Go on, say them.”

Poe huffs. “I am not thanking you for telling that secret! Next thing I know, the entire base will know about us because you’re trying to prove another point!” He exclaims as a mass of pilots, technicians, and Command staff push open the doors.

The entire mess falls silent. Even the cooks have stopped, spatulas and knives hanging in midair. No one moves for ten, fifteen, twenty seconds, as they all stare at the four friends.

Until Finn starts yelling, breaking the silence. “I kriffing knew it! I knew there was something between you two!”

Jessika smacks Poe’s arm. “Look what you did, Dameron. I would just like to say, for the record, that I said nothing! This is all Poe’s fault.”

“Worst kept secret of the Resistance, really,” Rey adds around a mouthful of brown mush.

“Speaking of secrets, care to share yours?” asks Poe.

Damn, Rey had been hoping they’d forgotten about it. Now, they have two options: tell their friends a week early and pray they can keep their mouths shut until Rey can at least talk to Luke and Leia, or make them wait until they fill out the official paperwork.

Rey knows they should wait, but there’s only a week left until Dr. Kalonia says the chances of losing the baby decrease exponentially, and she really wants to share this exciting time with her friends. And so, with one final look to Finn, she makes a decision.

“I’m pregnant.”

Jessika makes a noise resembling that of an X-Wing gearing up for take-off, and Rey sees multiple people jump, ready to step in and administer medical care or chop a finger off with the knife hidden in their boot. In the few seconds it takes Rey to recover from . . . whatever the hell that noise was, Jess has jumped over the table and wrapped her arms around the Jedi.

“I’m so happy for you! This is so exciting!” Jess screeches, squeezing Rey with her arms.

“Congratulations buddy,” Poe says, much more calmly. “I’m really happy for you both.”

Finn grabs Rey’s hand, glances down at their intertwined fingers, and looks back up with a grin. “We’re really happy too.”

[myth0sinwndrlnd]

my experience with caffeine

~ This is a long post so if you don’t want to read it, I understand. There are some interesting things to hear if you are considering quitting or cutting down on coffee/caffeine here. However, all the things that I have put into this post are from personal experience and should not be taken as a professional or scientific fact. I am merely putting this out there because it’s just an interesting thing I’ve been going through during the past couple of months and I wanted to put it down. Also, there are certain drinks and certain companies mentioned in this post. They do not have a correlation to the situation that I was in. They just happen to be the things that I was drinking/the places I was going during that time. Thank you :3 ~

So, I have been a fan of coffee for a long time. I had started to drink it in high school, but I wasn’t a cup or two every day. It was more like a treat for me whenever we went to the mall or something.

After that, when I got into college, I legit was having two to three cups of coffee a day to keep me up and wake me up in the morning. And while that was all well and good, I found that the more that I would drink, the less it would effect me after a while. This is natural. You drink enough coffee, soon it takes more to wake you up.

Yet, unlike a smart person who would’ve thought to cut back, I just went stronger. This is when Starbucks introduced the Flat White. Which is, essentially, shots of espresso and milk. That’s it. And let me tell you that is what I drank for a long ass time.

At first, I would have maybe two shots of espresso in the drink a day. Yet, after a while, it got to the point where I was having 3-4 shots of espresso a day.

Let me put this into perspective of how bad that is.

If I had 5 shots of espresso in my drink, I would’ve been at my daily limit recommended for caffeine for the day of my age range. And due to my asthma and stimulant use, I would’ve been at risk for adverse effects such as heart palps. 

Let that sink in. 

5. 

5 shots of espresso is all it would’ve taken.

This is also on top of my 40mg of ADHD meds that I’m taking. Yep, that’s right. I was having 4 shots of espresso daily on top of, essentially, a chemical that was a member of the amphetamine class. That’s no good.

Now I was drinking coffee/espresso like this for a long ass time. Like months. And then I realised that I was starting to develop addiction symptoms that weren’t unlike me when I was in college and smoking. I needed a coffee or I would be irritable, angry, and lethargic. And I would just not talk to anyone at my workplace until I got my coffee. I was that bad.

** I would just like to stop here and say that no. I am not equating my coffee “addiction” to someone who is severely addicted to drugs in any capacity. It was not that bad. I was not “jonesin” for the coffee at any point. I am merely finding the similarities between my smoking habits in college to my coffee habits later in life. **

Alright.

So, after I started to see that, I realised that I needed to cut back. Like completely. So, I did the only thing that I knew that I could do.

I stopped.

I stopped ordering Flat Whites. I stopped drinking coffee in general for a long time and I switched to tea. Now, tea has caffeine in it. At least the tea that I drink. But it doesn’t have nearly the large amount that I was drinking regularly at that moment in time.

And I started to feel better.....after the weird symptoms I had.

I legit got the shakes at one point. I got irritable. I was angry and the most tired that I think I’ve ever felt. I even threw up one morning (and subsequently gave myself a panic attack cause I thought I was preggers, but that’s neither here nor there). I got so irritable that on a day that I was working from home I put my cat in the bathroom for about an hour so that I could vacuum in peace. Why did I do this? Cause she was bapping the vacuum while it wasn’t even running (no, don’t worry, I didn’t throw her in there or yell at her. And I did take her out when I realised I wasn’t actually mad at her).

I had experienced these types of symptoms before.....when I quit smoking. (see ** message above)

I was going through a very very very minor version of withdrawal. Withdrawal from caffeine.

That’s when I knew I had to stop.

I was on tea for a long time. I think I had been two months without a cup of coffee save for the few here and there when I went to visit my parents. And even then, I didn’t finish the whole cup. 

Now, let’s fast forward to these past three weeks: the three weeks of allergy hell I’ve been living in. I have been tired from allergies. I was being late for work. I needed a push. So, on a whim, I decided to try the new Iced Flat White and other iced espresso beverages that were at Starbucks.

Just one or two a week to get me through allergies right? Wrong.

Holy crap did something super weird happen y’all.

Well, what happened first was poor self control. I actually missed how I was on coffee that I went from one or two a week to one a day again. And, it was close to 4 shots again. Yeah, I know what yer sayin. Way to go, Beck.

But I have chastised myself enough about that.

What is weirder is that after the first week, I started to get very nauseous in the afternoons. Like, bedridden, gagging, dry heaving, sweaty nauseous.

During the first week, it was just once maybe twice.

Yet, the next week, it was every day. Now, I can’t be gettin nauseous every afternoon. I have shit to do. So I decided to test something out and get all scientific.

For the past week, I did a test. I drank my normal tea for two days. And then I drank my 4 shots and coconut milk for the next two days. I did that for about a total of 3 days each (two tea, two coffee, one tea, one coffee).

What I realised is that my body was not too happy on the days that I was drinking coffee. And it was completely fine, albeit a bit more tired in the afternoon, on the days that I would drink tea.

So, after compiling the “data” that I got, I realised something. My body was getting nauseous due to the caffeine. I had “quit” the high dosage for so long, that introducing it back into my system wasn’t like riding a bike. It was like taking an adrenaline shot to the face after sleeping for about 12 hrs (I know not scientifically correct, but that’s how I felt).

After this, I decided. Nah. No more. So, I’m back to tea in the morning and coffee as a treat.

I am going to miss the coffee. I do love espresso and my family are coffee nuts and snobs to the max. But, I think that there is something to be said about cutting back on something in order to benefit yourself as well as maybe taking a moment to appreciate something.

I found that the times that I did drink coffee after cutting back, I would appreciate it more. It wasn’t just coffee. It had different scents and flavours and aromas. Something I didn’t appreciate before when I was using it to just beat the fatigue.

And it has even given me a chance to experiment with more tea. Something I have been wanting to do for ages.

Now, if you made it to this part of the post, wow dood you didn’t have to do that :3. But, it means that you are either curious or you are going through something along this spectrum.

And if you are going to glean anything from this personal experience, let me just leave you with this: Your body knows what the fuck is up better than you do sometimes.

• Listen to it. • Learn the signs. • Do research on dosages and side effects of certain chemicals in foods and how much you should be having for your weight/height/age. • See if you should even be having that much of that chemical/food/drink if you have a preexisting condition or are taking medication (turns out I shouldn’t have been having that much caffeine ever due to being on the ADHD meds I am on) • Don’t think that you can just get over it or muscle through it.

Your body knows how to run itself. Even if you think it doesn’t. Listen to it. It could be telling you something super important.

TL;DR

Was ingesting too much caffeine for a long ass time. I stopped after realising how bad it was for me personally to be doing that. It sucked. Got back on that horse during allergy season. Suffered for it. Now back on only tea and coffee for treats. LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKIN BODY IT KNOWS WHAT’S UP FAM.

[unspoken-realities]

ACH, part 5

October 7, 2017; 9 AM

Well, now that I’ve warmed up with that list of revelations and rants, I reckon I’m ready to write. Sorry I haven’t since the fifth (Wednesday, my first full day): I’ve been really tired and didn’t want this to just be another chore.

Although lots happens everyday, I am still just sitting in bed for all of it. I guess most of the happenings are mental/psychological.

Thursday was bad, definitely the worst day so far, but to be honest, I have miserable moments like clockwork throughout the day. I barely even remember what happened on Thursday to make it so shitty. I can recall that up until supper I was doing alright. Mom was able to bring my schoolwork, so I started on some chemistry. The day’s meals were less than favourable, but still tolerable. I hate when they give me a meal void of fruit or veg. For example, Thursday’s and last night’s suppers of only gross meat and mashed potatoes, served congealed at room temp… blech.

However, I did meet with Jenn, the dietitian, on Thursday: this was a priority for me so I’m glad it happened, but needing to be so thorough in reliving and reciting my past diet decisions sorta sent me back into a spiral, wondering what was so bad about them in the first place.

Not being able to concentrate on my chemistry work, resulting in finishing two chapter subsections and understanding next to nothing, didn’t help. Made me feel even more hopeless, stupid, useless.

I felt fat, bloated, and chubby all day, but pinching the chub on my jawline after supper made everything unbearable. Directly after dinner Mom visited (planning to stay the night), not allowing me time to subtly stretch myself out after gruesome food; I was really not tin the mood to listen to her noisily slurp down her dinner and join me in my life of sedentariness.

I’m so jealous of people now: if you have the freedom and ability to wakl around, or run, or just NOT BE SITTING 24/7, why wouldn’t you take that chance?? Especially since all Mom does at work is sit. God, I really hate that sometimes… sometimes I hate her for her weight and lifestyle choices, even though I know that’s not fair.

So on Thursday I was very irritable, to the point where Mom took a walk around ACH to give us both some breathing room. I broke down crying, and punched myself on any fleshy part I could find, especially my stomach. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse: snack time! I wanted to die. The nurse who brought my apple (thankfully it was small) goaded me the whole time with “you can do it” and “just a bit left.” Stupid meals, stupid food. When snack was over I cried some more over my chemistry, then invited Mom back to the room. I feel asleep still very upset.

Friday, yesterday, was alternatively quite good. Mostly. I had an OK sleep, a (sadly fruitless) tolerable breakfast, nice meeting with mental health Doctor lady I can never remember the nae of, and was promised not only a shower, but also a wheelchair ride! It was the thought of these two things that kept me going throughout the day. That, and the fact that I was able to sneak in some full-body “stretches”… right before and after breakfast.

I turned on MTV for some music in the background, flipped backward on my bed, and managed to accomplish a fair section of math (successfully, and with full comprehension), woo-hoo! I was very tired all day though, so napped before lunch; my meals (save for dinner) were also lovely! Veg-packed chicken bunwich for lunch, and more veg with hummus at snack!! That made my day much better.

I talked to an art therapist, who is going to try to pair me up with the music therapist. The weather outside was cloudier and windy, which made my indoor predicament easier to cope with. Sukhleen was my evening nurse for the whole stretch, which is good because she’s very supportive. But then… *thunder clap, lightning strike, dramatic music*:

SUPPER TIME!

Two slices of fatty, cold roast beef smothered in salty congealed gravy, and a heavy slop of mashed taters. Not a green thing in sight. Gag. Sukhleen talked a lot during dinner, meaning I was required to talk a lot, meaning it took longer to eat. Dinner was already happening early (5:15ish instead of 5:30), and I was being pushed to finish quickly, and it was a disgusting meal. So you know what I did, partially out of habit, and also out of hatred for my situation? I “exercised.” Or, what was to me only stretching… honestly I’ve done so much “stretching” over the past few days that

a) I’m surprised they hadn’t caught on sooner, and

b) I don’t even recall quite what I was doing last night.

Regardless, another nurse caught me, and told Sukhleen… she took it really seriously. Really seriously. I felt so, well stupid, again, but ashamed and like I had disappointed everyone, like now there was a glaring red bull’s-eye on my door for all the nurses to read which said, “Beware! Anorexic girl may exercise! She’s mentally retarded!” I felt ashamed mostly for getting caught, though, and became extremely nervous that my shower and ride privileges would be revoked. Thankfully, I opened up to Sukhleen (who stayed by my bed for ten minutes after the incident to monitor me” about my “triggers”/why I did it, and because of that, I was still allowed my nighttime treats. This was also just before Mom visited, which made me feel even more childish and embarrassed when Sukhleen reported my behaviours to her.

The rest of the evening went well, but it seemed (and still seems) like all good things come with just as strong a bad. I learned that my room is the closest to the main Unit 4 desk, because I am basically on non-stop ED watch… I never even considered that my central location was meaningful, but it makes me weird. Makes me feel watched and unstable. The wheelchair ride around unit 4 was great, but Mom walked frustratingly slow, I hardly saw any other patients, and was forcibly restricted to just Unit 4; grapes for snack were a fruit (yippee!), but I was still full from dinner; playing Scrabble with Mom was a relaxing, fun time but I felt utterly exhausted for some reason; showering for the first time in five days was miraculously cleansing, but I was freezing, needed Mom to help me the whole time, had to be sitting, and had zero privacy with my own body. I doubt I’ll have any real source of alone time with my body over the next couple weeks, not that I need it in any sexual way, just for monitoring and examining and being. Perhaps this will be a good thing?

Lastly, I was cozy in bed, but still shivering from the shower. My back, knees, and head were aching (and still are now), my night nurse who took my vitals in the middle of the night smelled like disgusting fast food meat, and thus falling and staying asleep were both very difficult. I dreamt of being in the kitchen at home, faced with piles of desserts and needing to feed myself supper… my tears from earlier in the day and night over food quickly returned.

That is one thing about yesterday that was shocking: my Food Moods. At one point of optimism before lunch, I was thrilled to find that I might be able to eat Shreddies when I got home, and happily became misty-eyed. No more than two hours later I became frustrated/emotionally distraught to the point of tears over what I think was probably images or videos of food recipes; the former reaction happened as I was trying to fall asleep with no external stimuli. Overall, it’s one big ol’ rollercoaster.

Following along with the rollercoaster trend is my heart rate: yesterday I was resting easy around mid 50s (a point of contention for my brain: if my pulse/vitals/heart is better, as confirmed by the medical team, why am I here?? Do I belong/deserve to be here?), but was laying in bed almost asleep, the monitor alarmed multiple times because it had dropped to 35/36!! And now while I’ve been sitting upright journalling, it’s between high 70s ad 80s; I came back from the bathroom, and plugged in to a 102!! Holy cow.

I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is higher better? Higher makes me think I should be better, but makes me feel worse because I can no longer quantify my “illness”/reason for being here. Higher also makes me think of tachycardic, obese, artery-clogged patients struggling to sit up in bed without wheezing. Yikes.

This morning has been odd… odd. Waking up with an excruciating headache (with slight nauseous migraine-y symptoms) and backache was less than pleasant, and actually meant I did not sleep well at all. Breakfast was fruitless again, with a huge portion of dry Cheerios, and a hard-boiled egg. The egg I am gaining more respect for, because I can cut it into small enough portions in order to break, smear, and thus avoid eating, the fatty yolk. Then I’ve been journalling for this whole time, haven’t even cleaned up my bed sheets yet. Brushed teeth, washed up, then small (hallelujah!) mostly guilt-free snack of two saltless saltines and a slice of marble cheese. I broke the cheese into bits, and somehow ended with a perfect coinciding portion of cracker to pair up with it. This feels like a good omen for the rest of the day.

[angeryboy]

Kintsukuroi

Part 9- Lost on City Streets

You pulled your phone out. Several texts and a missed call from Tomura.

Shit! I forgot all about calling him!

You’d asked him for some of his time, which he probably carved out just for you. And then you totally ignored him.

Himaro? I thought you wanted to talk. It’s fine if you don’t, but just answer me. Missed Call-Tomura

It was two and a half hours later. Maybe he wouldn’t rip your head off if you responded now.

I’m sorry! Yuna and I ended up going on a search for Dabi. He disappeared for a couple days on us. We found him, but it took way longer than expected.

You were wracking your brain for a way to let Tomura know what happened without explaining why.

Call me.

Without a second thought you hit the call button.

“What the hell is that rat bastard getting up to now?”

All things considered, all that was said and done, you genuinely had no idea. “Not sure, honestly. He really doesn’t say much about what he’s doing.”

“Whatever. Tell me what you wanted to talk about.” You felt a little jolt, imagining him chilling casually somewhere in his little furry coat.

“Well, I’ve just been feeling run down lately. I’ve been nauseous, and I’ve had a headache for a week. Every time I hear something that makes me nervous, I break out in a sweat. And I can’t concentrate.” It felt weird to unload on him. He didn’t seem like the kind, but he also didn’t seem like he minded.

“Hmm..have you been eating? Sleeping?”

“Not really now that I think about it. This past week has been crazy. And then with Dabi leaving..”

There was a curious silence on the other end.“It sounds like anxiety.”

Of course. How could I not put two and two together?

With one sentence, he figured out everything that had been wrong  with you for two weeks.

“Uh, oh. That’s- that sounds right.”

“Is it hard to breathe sometimes?”

“All the time,”You confessed.

“Yeah. Anxiety. I feel it all the time. Not a day goes by where I don’t. The only thing you can do is try to get some rest and eat a lot. Don’t forget about it. Even if you’re not hungry, if it’s been more than three hours, eat.”

The amount of relief you felt at that moment was infinite. It had never even crossed your mind. All the other thoughts racing around didn’t give you time to think about why they were racing.

“Jeez. It seems so simple when you put it like that.”

“It always does.” You could feel an air about his comment, like he wanted to say something else, but couldn’t do it. Strange, considering he always said whatever he was thinking. “But it never is, really.”

Strangely enough, the silence on the other end was just as comforting as talking.

“Was that..all?” He asked.

“I guess,yeah. I thought there would be more.” In the distance you heard a large explosion of some sort.

“Shit. I gotta go. Goodnight. Try to get some sleep.” He hung up without letting you reply, but it didn’t matter. His voice brought you more comfort than you cared to admit, making the walk back much easier.

 ---------------------- 

The two stared each other for a long moment before Yuna broke into tears, burying herself in Dabi’s chest. He didn’t move.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed.

Dabi let out a sigh before wrapping his arms around her. “Me too.” He laid his head on hers, caging her in his embrace. It felt so nice to hold her again, whether he liked it or not.

“What the hell, by the way. What the hell were you thinking back there?” Now for the part where she rightfully tore him to shreds for leaving.

“I was thinking exactly what I said. I was feeling like you don’t trust me. I need you to let me do what I need to do.”

So Himaro was right after all.

“I-”

“Before you say anything, let me make this clear: you’re important to me, no matter what I’m scheming up. Even if it doesn’t involve you, you’re gonna be right here at the end of it. But you don’t seem to believe me.” He’d long since let go of her, leaving her feeling a little cold.

“I guess I just-I’m worried on day you’ll actually leave. I’m worried Hawks wants your head on a platter. And if he does, how the fuck am I gonna stop him? He’ll bring reinforcements. How am I gonna keep you safe?”

“Yuna, I’m not a scared little kid anymore. Touya is gone. Everything he was, everything he believed, in, everything he was afraid of, it’s all gone. I’m not him anymore. You don’t have to protect me like you did him.”

“Dabi, I can’t. You know I can’t. I still see that little boy crying. Every time.”

“You can,” he breathed. “Stop protecting him. Let me protect you this time. I can do it. We both know each other better than this.” They both stayed silent for a long time, gentle wind blowing in the night.

“I don’t even care about this right now. I’m just glad to see you again.”

He couldn’t say he disagreed.

“I’m more interested in HImaro.”

He smiled a bit. “Right back down to business huh? It’s been five minutes.” Her hand met his chest lightly.

“Hush! I know she’s doing something. I just don’t know what. And I know you’ve been gone looking for answers. Have you seen Hawks?”

“Nah. I’d like to say that I got something, but I’m empty handed. Maybe she really did fuck it up. I have no idea.”

“Do you ever?” She joked, wiping the tears from her face. “She may have. But something doesn’t sit right with me. Why did she even answer his call? In front of me, no less.” She looked up at him, a hint of mischief in her eyes. He hated to admit it, tried to deny it, but he watched a breath of life return to her as she looked him over gently.

“She’s really interested in what I have planned for Hawks.” His hand ruffled her hair.

“Oh yeah! That other thing I should beat you up for. What is your plan, exactly?”

“Oh, I won’t be telling you either. It’s that keep you safe thing I was just talking about.” He smirked a bit, but Yuna wasn’t impressed. “Speaking of, Himaro said you tried to kill her? I take it that’s where these came from.” His thumbs gently traced the extra dark circles under her eyes, a hint of a smile on his face.

“I may have stepped right on her throat in some sort of attempt to have her life leave her body.”

“Jesus, love.” His eyebrows lifted in concern  before knitting together. “So I’m guessing she nearly ripped your leg off then?” He followed her form down to her ankle, wrapped in bandages.

“She’s like an animal, dude. She got some good hits in.”

“That probably hurts, no?” He knelt down to inspect her handiwork, scoffing at her sad excuse for medical precision.

“Quite a bit, yeah.” Their eyes met when he looked up at her.

“Guess I’ll have to carry you then.”

“Okay first of all, I can control the wind. I can take the pressure off it myself. And second, don’t go getting all lovey on me now you burnt chicken nugget!”

An honest to goodness laugh escaped him.

“I just feel like maybe you should be taking it easy.”

“Look who’s talking, Mr. One Hit Done.”

“That old man hit with the strength of at least twelve old men. Stop acting like you’d have stayed conscious,”he teased a bit.

“Old man strength is impressive.. But anyway, I’ve been out here for 12 days walking around trying to find your dumb ass. Your little ‘get a major concussion and then leave’ stunt has earned you the shoulder of scorn.

“Then let me make it up to you.” He turned on his heel, motioning for her to climb on his back. Immediately, she relaxed, head falling into the crook of his shoulder. “I think you should talk to Hawks. You know, since you’re going on dates with him anyway. I saw the look on his face. He clearly wasn’t surprised we were there, so I wanna know what had him so riled up. I wanna know what Himaro said.”

“Yeah, first of all, gross. Second, calm down, killer. We’ll get there. Let’s get some sleep first. I can tell you’re exhausted.”

“Do you know what Hawks said to me?” She started, acting like he’d never said anything. He sighed dramatically.

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘I swore I’d know you anywhere. But I let you down. And The Academy let you down too. I’m sorry Yuna.’ Like, what? How the fuck does he know my name? Himaro may have met with him, but she’s not a fucking idiot.”

Dabi was glad she couldn’t see his mouth fall open a bit, her eyes having closed long ago. He was sure now. He wasn’t before, but now it was very clear. Pieces that seemed random were now falling into place. She was definitely right. He needed to meet with Hawks sooner rather than later. 

---------------------------------------------- 

You tossed and turned all night, waiting to hear some semblance of Dabi and Yuna coming back, but sleep came before you ever heard the door open, only flits of talking to Tomura swirling around your head.

When you came downstairs in the morning, Yuna and Dabi were both sitting on the countertop laughing. It was really nice to have them back. On their own, they were aloof and threatening, but together, they were really just more like a soft pile of marshmallows.

“Morning meeting in five,” Yuna chirped. It was nice to see her glowing again, acting like she was hanging out with her crush for the first time. There was a new wave of life in the league. Everyone was murmuring with excitement, trying to pry for answers from Dabi, who waved them off with ease. He had nothing he cared to tell them, which wasn’t surprising, but it did put your mind at ease.

You were, however, starting feel a certain emptiness that you could place immediately. Longing. It had been two weeks since you’d seen Tomura, and you were starting to miss his awkward smiles and out of place but not altogether unwelcome touches. Even though you’d just called him, maybe another call was in order. There was a lot in your life you could pretend to hate just to talk to him.

“All right , assholes. Here’s the deal. Shigaraki’s stay has been extended a while longer. But he has a guest he wants us to meet with tomorrow at noon. This guy’s got some important shit to say I guess? I don’t know. I wasn’t really listening. Don’t ask me his name either. So besides being here tomorrow at noon, you can do whatever you want until I get more orders.” She clapped her hands together, obviously hoping everyone would leave at that exact moment.

You noticed Spinner’s sour face before he opened his mouth. “So you guys gonna go make out until then? Or maybe you’ll both disappear this time?” His biting comments seemed to reach Dabi’s ears first. You knew there was something about him Dabi didn’t quite like, and Spinner returned the favor vehemently.

“Dude,” Twice commented. “Not very Gucci of you.”

“This bitch has been Walmart since we picked him up,” Dabi muttered. You couldn’t help but laugh. How unbothered could this dude be?

“Screw you, Dabi! You left us fucking hanging! You left Yuna hanging!” He didn’t back down from his taunts and suddenly the room was full of tension. You could almost see a cloud forming around Yuna. Her eyes weren’t even visible, looking down with a stare so cold you felt a chill.

“I’m gonna chalk this all up to you no knowing shit about shit. Ever consider that  Yuna is the only one that has to forgive me?” Dabi snapped back.

“I know enough. I knew that you left the other night, and Yuna almost killed Himaro!” Everyone’s mouths fell open. You three weren’t sure how the hell he knew that, but you were keen on figuring it out. “You left and let her take her rage out on someone else! Let her take it out us! You think we’re stupid? You think we can’t put two and two together?” He had a finger in Dabi’s face, but he didn’t seem the least bit concerned.

“I think you’re kind of an idiot.” He was still smirking a bit. At least until Spinner opened his stupid mouth again.

“Control your stupid woman, you motherfucker.” Uh-oh. Your heart sunk as your hands shot up in an instant, understanding that there was only one thing that could set them both off simultaneously.

Seriously? How much of an idiot can you be?

Surprisingly, the only movement from either of them was Dabi grabbing Yuna’s hand.

“Say it again, asshole. I fucking dare you.” His voice was low and his hand was clenched, brandishing fire like a sword.

“Shit,” you muttered, muscles tensing in reaction. Something that was about to happen for a long time was unfolding right in front of you. How were you gonna handle this one?

[surprisedmama-blog]

Is it even possible?

May 29th, 2018

Today I find myself wondering about the plausibility of completing my degree and being pregnant. The timing would be extremely precarious, and I would have to do a lot of convincing of a great many people to even have the possibility of managing this feat. Firstly, my quip about hiding my pregnancy is no joke. I would have to manage to keep all faculty at the vet school in the dark until at least the end of my 16th week. Ideally, I would be able to manage longer but let’s be real, lady luck has not exactly been on my side. Plus, she seems like a real bitch. Or maybe I’m the bitch and there’s a lesson to be learned here. It would probably something along the lines of a puritanical abstinence policy. But, I digress.

The reasons I would need to hide my pregnancy are numerous; from gaseous anaesthetic agents and radiation associated with diagnostic imaging to infectious disease and exposure to various medications to animal attacks and ridiculously long hours. However, I’ve been doing a bit of research and it would seem that especially for issues such as the anaesthetic agents, that evidence is rather tenuous or non-existent as to whether or not minor exposure actually causes harm to the foetus. The same goes for ionizing radiation as long as proper protective personal equipment is used. Now, obviously infectious disease and medication issues should be relatively combatable as long as proper safety protocols and biohazard information is observed. Animal attacks and long hours are a little less cut and dry but again, good planning and a bit of common sense should alleviate most of the danger.

Some (especially within the school faculty) would say I am being blasé in my approach to the potential dangers. However, my argument is that it should be my choice. I am a grown woman with all of the pertinent information available to me and I would say I possess the mental prowess to understand said information. At the end of the day, it my body and my baby. Should I not be given the opportunity to work and learn just as any other student with a disability or severe allergy or medical condition such as a penicillin hypersensitivity or diabetes or epilepsy? Should I not be able to take responsibility for this decision and as long as the school provides the necessary access to incidence prevention, should I not be allowed to say that I find the risk acceptable and release the school from further culpability?

Perhaps the fact that I grew up in the veterinary industry and have observed countless pregnant woman happily performing their duties and people happy to let them has made me somewhat resentful of the restrictions places on me due to my possession of the title of, ‘student’. Regardless, I do think my logic is sound. Thus, at least until I’ve made my decision about this pregnancy, I will not be informing anyone in a position of power at the vet school about it.

Secondly, if I continue with the pregnancy and eventually make it far enough through my rotations that I can reasonably argue I should have the chance to continue, I would be required to convince the teaching office to completely rearrange my schedule next year. I would need to score quite a few weeks of break right in the middle of the semester. I’ve looked at the schedule and it is possible. That is not the question. Whether or not I am able to be convincing enough to swing this change definitely is…

Thirdly, say I manage to play the role of rogue preggo and hide out long enough, then magically convince the office to give me my rotations I want and at the times I want them… so demanding! Say all of that somehow actually falls into place. If that all works out, I would next need to somehow ensure that my baby would be at least two days past my due date but no more than 10 days past the date. This would be necessary in order to ensure there is adequate time to complete my early rotations and then have enough time off to recover and find child care before beginning the rest of my rotations. HA! What’s that saying about telling God your plans so that he can have a good chuckle? If lady luck isn’t even showing me some female solidarity, what hope do I have with the big guy?

Shall I throw in the “fourth…ly” and briefly mention the itsy bitsy GIANT FUCKING MONEY ISSUE? Yeah there’s that behemoth looming over me. Honestly, I’m living off of loans right now. I ain’t swimming in anything other than debt. While I would save a ridiculous amount by simply not drinking, I’m quite confident that all of that money would be hoovered up by my little Oops as I began preparing for the arrival. Childcare is a bitch and a half and that’s assuming I actually find a place willing to hire a new grad with a fairly new born baby still attached to her tit. Yeeeaaaah, I can’t even bear to continue to talk about this one for now.

In other news, B is being really lovely. He is so apologetic that I’m going through this without him by my side. I have my roommate and a couple of good friends and my sister as support which does help. But I do have to admit, the one person I wanted to tell immediately when I found out and the only person I really want with me right now is B. He’s my person. I fell for him pretty much from day one and I’ve never stopped loving the man more than I love myself. Perhaps that is why I can’t really get upset with him for feeling like he can’t be a father to this baby if I choose to go through with this. Obviously, I wish he would acknowledge that we both agreed on the open marriage and we both knew that someone getting pregnant was a possibility. Consequently, I am a little hurt by the added anxiety of potentially losing the most important person in the world to me, the man I thought I would share my life with simply because I may feel compelled to keep an unexpected pregnancy. However, today he made sure to tell me he loved me and that we are really awesome at figuring things out as a team and that he doesn’t want to lose me. I know these things are true and I trust in them so I am choosing to rely on them when it comes to how this situation may impact my marriage. For now, I feel like that is all I can do.

Did I mention that today I got nauseous after eating my beloved onion rings and had to drink mint tea at a pub quiz?

[what-sam-says]

Dear Jason

THIS IS GUNNA BE LONG, SO BEAR WITH ME. I decided to write a letter to an ex boyfriend who had a huge impact on my life. This isn’t for any audience in particular, it was more just a therapeutic activity for myself. I’ve never told a bunch of strangers this much about my personal life. Hear goes nothin’.

From the moment I met you, I knew what kind of person, what kind of lover, you were going to be. I had hoped so hard that you weren’t going to be that guy that was only in it for himself. The first day we met, we had sex. You came and rolled off me saying something about “I’ll walk you to your car if you want.” I hadn’t even been there for an hour. That was the only indication I needed of what to expect for however much longer you and I were “together.” Together is kind of a loose term when it comes to me and you. We knew each other, and slept together, for 7 months before I finally got “do you want to try dating?” to come out of your mouth. Part of me was so excited to hear those words from you. Finally, he wants me! My logical brain knew better. The way you said it, I knew it wasn’t what I was hoping for. The way you said “dating” made it sound almost painful coming out of your mouth. I don’t even know if you remember what led to all of this. I got tired of the waiting and tried to end things with you. You panicked and did something you didn’t actually want to do just to keep me coming back so you could get off every couple weeks. I was willing to come to you when it was convenient to your schedule. I was so naïve and trusting that I thought our situation was okay, I thought, “Maybe this is just how dating works and I didn’t know before now because I don’t have much dating experience.” I was so wrong.  

If I could go back in time, I would slap past Sam and tell her to stay as far away from you as she could get. You were in it for your own benefit. There was no upside for me. No positives that should have kept me coming back for more. The only thing that stopped me from running was the fact that I was young and vulnerable and I thought it was what I wanted, I thought you were what I wanted. I never told you this, but I considered asking you if you ever wanted to get an apartment together, so we could see each other more. I’m so glad we ended before I did something stupid that could have really messed things up for me.

You always asked me before you tried something new in bed. The only bad part was it seemed like you chose not to hear it if I said “no” or “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.” I still remember the first time we tried anal. It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I’d done it before, but you just wanted to go in, no preparation or anything. That wasn’t okay and I told you I wanted to stop. But it felt great to you, so you pushed and kept going. Eventually it stopped hurting, but that didn’t stop the thoughts from going through my head. “When is this going to end? Why didn’t he stop when I asked him to? I don’t want to be doing this right now. Please come faster, I want this to be over.” Those aren’t the thoughts that should be going through your head when you’re being intimate with your partner. This wasn’t the only time this happened. It was basically every time you decided you wanted to have anal sex. I told you I wasn’t a huge fan and I didn’t particularly care for it, but you still tried every opportunity you could. The worst one was after you made me bleed during regular sex. You’d been too rough and I bled, a lot. You got grossed out, told me to get off your bed and clean up before I was allowed to even sit down again. We started watching The Flash, you were the big spoon and I was the little spoon. I could feel you getting hard again, but I was sore and I hoped you wouldn’t try having sex again. You didn’t, in a traditional sense. You went for the back door. I asked you not to, you did it anyways. I gasped in pain and you started asking me if I was okay, but I knew it wasn’t sincere. You were just asking so I wouldn’t make you stop. You finished and decided that’s when I needed to leave and go home. You’d stopped even walking me to my car at this point, kissed me quickly, and let me go on my way.

Soon after this, you asked me if I wanted to spend the night with you at a hotel. We picked one and met there. I was so excited, you and I had never gotten to spend the night together, what with both of us still living at home and everything. I thought this would be a great chance for us to talk and connect. As soon as I got there, we had sex. I didn’t know it yet when I’d gotten there, but you’d brought your video game system and set it up on the T.V. As soon as we were done, you flipped it on and it was like I no longer existed. I heard your phone buzzing every few seconds. I’ve never been the kind of girlfriend that had to see who her boyfriend was texting. I wanted to trust you. After the fifth or sixth time of you pausing your game to answer a text, irritation and curiosity got the better of me and I looked at your phone when it buzzed again. A message from someone named KatieKat popped up and my heart dropped. The text was flirty and sweet, and I was lying in bed next to you after just having had sex. I started to get nauseous. You paused your game again, sent another text, looked at me and said, “I think I’m gunna have to go soon.”

My heart dropped further. I asked why and you told me it was because your mom had gotten in an accident and you needed to make sure she was okay. Based on the text I’d just seen, I didn’t necessarily believe you at first. Later on that night, you’d send me pictures of your moms car, which made it harder to not believe you. You eventually did come back to the hotel room, we had sex a couple more times, and we did spend the night together, which placated me for a little while. I think that’s the only reason you came back. In the morning, we took a shower together, then you rushed out of the room so fast I couldn’t even get dressed before you were gone. I contemplated ordering room service, since the room was on your credit card, but I’m not that kind of spiteful, so I checked out and left without spending all of your money. In retrospect, it would have been justified for me to have ordered something.  

Not long after this, I went to Missouri with my mom. I was gone for a couple weeks, then I sprained my ankle and I wasn’t able to see you for another two weeks. You seemed excited when I saw you again, you gave me a big hug and kissed me a whole lot because you knew I loved the way you kissed me. We got to spend more time with each other than normal. Neither one of us had to work, so we watched TV and you lied with your head in my lap and played video games, trying to explain it to me as you went along. I’m hopeless when it comes to video games, so I didn’t understand any of it and you just laughed at me and kept trying to explain. It felt good, I felt like we were starting to be a real couple. When I left, I was happy and excited to see what could come. This was the day I contemplated asking you about an apartment together. It’s also the day things started going swiftly downhill for us. We started seeing each other less and less. You weren’t asking me to come over as often anymore and when you did, most of the time I made up an excuse not to come over.  

During this time was also when I found out I was pregnant. It was February 9th. I knew how you felt about kids, you’d made it clear you weren’t ready for them and even had gone so far as to ask how I felt about abortions if I were to get pregnant. I found out that I was pregnant and losing the baby all within one visit to urgent care. I was losing something I didn’t know was there. I decided I wasn’t going to tell you, I didn’t want you to think I’d gotten pregnant on purpose. I think it was a good decision in the long run. The whole miscarriage took about 8 days to completely run its course. I did it all by myself. I held our child in my hands and buried him/her all by myself. Maybe I’ll tell you someday, I really don’t know. Shortly after was when I tried to end things and you finally asked if I’d be your girlfriend. We exchanged “I love you’s.” I meant it when I said it. We’d been in each other’s lives long enough that it was the truth. I did love you. I felt butterflies when you’d say it first. I thought, “Maybe this could be a good thing. Maybe we could make this work.” The miscarriage had messed me up pretty bad, emotionally, so I told you I needed time to think about things. I wasn’t 100% sure about whether or not it was healthy for us to still be together and I needed space. I honestly can’t even pinpoint what ended our relationship, mainly because I’ve since deleted our old conversations, but also because there really wasn’t anything in particular that went wrong. We saw each other one day, I went home, and we never spoke again. It was almost like it was a natural progression. I didn’t feel sad or angry, or really like I’d even lost anything. My loss had already come and gone with the baby.  

It’s been over 6 months since we’ve even spoken to each other at this point. On what would have been the anniversary of our initial meeting, I contemplated texting you, but my judgement got the better of me and I just left well enough alone. I think about you a lot, but have since met an amazing friend who helped me realize how toxic our relationship was and how much better off I am being away from that situation. I’m worth more than what you valued me as. I want you to know that I’m doing better without you, but I also realize how immature that could seem if I reached out simply let you know that. There’s also that little thing about me never wanting to speak to you again. I went to the Wal-Mart you work at. Part of me was hoping I’d run into you, just to see what kind of reaction you’d have, and to see what kind of reaction I would have (because I honestly still have no idea what it would be like to see you again.) The more rational part of my brain was terrified of running into you and was just trying to get what I needed and get back out as quickly as I could. It still makes me anxious being in that part of the city. My only saving grace is the fact that you’re literally the biggest hermit I’ve ever met and that makes it a lot less likely I’ll run into you in public. Also, the fact that you have a girly-ass purple car that I’d immediately recognize if I ever saw it again.

You need to grow up a lot before you’ll ever have a healthy relationship. I hope someday you’ll be happy. Maybe you already are. I don’t know. We went from being in love to virtual strangers so quickly. You cross my mind every day. Not because I ever want to be with you again, but because you were a significant part of my life for such a long time. So many things remind me of you, even if it’s not in a good way. I wonder if/how I ever cross your mind. I’m free of you, Jason. Goodbye.

[nitallica]

Cross-posted from my blog: DC I love you

I spent last weekend recovering from last week’s trip to Washington DC for MWLUG. Work has been hella crazy this week while I’m trying to catch up and get a few things implemented that I learned.

BTW: It was FUN! Seriously loved the venue, and I loved being in DC. I am very much looking forward to next year’s, which is supposed to be in Ann Arbor, MI if I heard correctly.

Sadly, we will likely no longer be attending IBM’s Lotusphere ConnectED Connect conference due to cost. I missed this year’s trip due to my surgery, but by looking at the schedule of sessions, there would have been very little for me there. That makes me a bit sad, but it is what it is. MWLUG is cheaper, and quite frankly more useful (to me, at least). One of my favorite sessions last week was a “discussion” (read: tongue lashing) from Lotus/Domino users, admins, and developers to a couple members of IBM staff.

I almost felt sorry for them … almost.

Traveling to and from went a lot better this year due mostly to some mental and intestinal fortification via chemistry. In other words, my doctor gave me something to chill me out during the flights. :) I took a Xanax before each flight and they helped tremendously! Our flight back from DC to Atlanta was stressful, and from Atlanta to Birmingham was downright scary. Given how I have flipped my shit in the past during bumpy flights, I was a lot calmer while doped up. But I noticed right away how tired I was after each flight. I mean, I’ve had jetlag before, but holy Hell! Never like this.

During each flight, I chronicled my thoughts. I don’t even remember WHY, maybe to pass the time? Those around me found me a little funny while on the Xanax, but I felt chill as fuck. Seriously. I have never been so relaxed and calm in my life. (except maybe while I was Valium for my anxiety years ago)

Tuesday:

6:00am Been seated for a little bit. Holy shit this thing is cramped! I’m sitting on the aisle which I’m hoping works out better this time than my previous trips where I was by the window.

A little dismayed that there are no barf bags anywhere that I can see. Not that I’ve ever blown chunks on a plane, I’ve always felt like I could. It’s rare for me to have motion sickness (usually only with a bad migraine), but my anxiety makes me nauseous sometimes.

6:15 Child behind me starts screaming. This is going to be a long 2 hours.

Dude beside me has taken up both arm rests. Keeps opening and closing the window shade. His duffle bag is taking up half of my floor space. I mean, not that my stubby little hobbit legs need a whole lot of room, but still. At least he’s quiet.

6:38 Takeoff was a little bumpy. Not scary, but not exactly comfortable either. So far the Xanax seems to be helping?

Poor Joseph and CaySal have had to sit next to me while I’ve lost my shit on previous flights. God bless whoever invented this stuff!!!

6:50 Snacks!!! :D

I was very surprised they didn’t offer peanuts. To my delight they have almonds! :)

7:06 I’m feeling surprisingly good. I only took one Xanax, and was worried that maybe I needed two. So far, so good. While part of me hates being dependent on medications, they have made my life so much better!

7:13 I’ve had Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right (I May Be Crazy)” stuck in my head since I got to the airport this morning. Which is weird because prior to that I had “Blood on My Name” on loop on my internal radio. My Uber driver’s name was Lazarus, which likely started that. Can’t remember what I heard upon waking up.

Funny, I’m currently building a new Domino server named Lazarus. It is basically a replacement for a server that’s on its proverbial deathbed. An attempt to resurrect it, if you will.

8:21 (crossed time zone!) We’re told to put our seat belts on. Getting ready to land soon? I hope. I hope. I hope. I hope.

8:25 By looking out windows in front of me, wherever we are is pretty. Nice and sunny. I want a nap so badly. Could not sleep last night and running on about 3 hours’ worth. Today is gonna be a long day.

8:33 I realized that I forgot to pack my sneakers. I have my Harley boots on currently, and they’re usually fine. But I like having sneakers just in case. Because let’s face it, sometimes my feet can be little bitches. Plus, they’re black with dark red accents and I lurvs them. :)

8:40 While I was not thrilled about Delta having me pay to check my overnight bag (which work will reimburse me for), I will say this. Their staff have been great so far. The in flight staff especially. Very friendly!

Most of the TSA staff, not so much. :/

8:53 Making our descent. Hello, Detroit! :D

9:04 Whee! Landed and taxiing to our gate.

9:41 Waiting for time to board the next leg. Duuuuuuuude I am feeling so groovy. Now I know why everyone recommended I get this.

Joseph asked if my doc could put me on this every day. LOL

10:14 Seated and waiting to take off. Next trip I am DEFINITELY upgrading my seat. Slightly less cramped than last flight, but too small for my comfort.

At least I get a window seat this time! :)

10:34 Video safety instructions now. Yay? Was kind of neat. Now playing with screen on back of the seat in front of me while we taxi out to the runway.

11:28 Played around with the flight tracker. Then watch one of the inflight movies. Born in China – about animals indigenous to China. :)

Getting close to D.C. No almonds on this flight so I opted for cinnamon cookies to dunk in my coffee. :)

Definitely wanting a nap right nap. So tired zzzzzzzzzz…

11:55 D.C. I am in you! :D

12:15pm Headed to Alexandria to the hotel. Hopefully they will let me check in early.

And the flights home, Thursday/Friday:

3:27pm Checked Delta app and learned that my flight is going to be delayed at least an hour. Something about trouble with a passenger. Yikes?

Joy of joys, I’m already stressing out. Going ahead and taking my Xanax now.

4:05 Waiting on Uber to head to the airport.

5:15 Arrived at the airport, got checked in, bags handled, and groped by TSA.

Note: DC’s TSA folks are friendlier than Birmingham’s. Not by much, but still. Delta folks, however, were very super nice.

Now sitting down to get some food. Feeling super chill, but my head is killing me, probably due to lack of sleep. Been up since 3am.

Wheeee!

5:37 We ate at Grille District. The hot wings were not hot, but very tasty. I prefer a flavorful sauce to one that melts your face off any day.

6:03 Now the long wait to board.

6:53 An announcement comes in overhead; the flight has been delayed … again.

6:59 After talking with Delta, they said we should still make it in time for connecting flight. It may be close.

8:03 Aaaaaaand flight delayed … again. Not confident that we will make our connecting flight now.

8:20 Delta says we could “probably” make our connecting flight. I really don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

8:44 Finally boarding plane.

9:14 Take off. I am completely knackered. May try to sleep some.

9:22 Nope, can’t sleep. While I’m not freaking as much as I normally would, I am not as zen feeling as I was earlier. I maybe should have waited to take the Xanax until just before boarding. Granted, all the calamity with the delays did not help things. To make things worse, my neck and back are starting to pain me greatly.

I wanna go home. :(

9:26 Heavy turbulence, one of my least favorite things. Not freaking. But not exactly comfortable either.

9:48 According to the little flight tracker thingy on the screen in front of my seat, we are about midway over North Carolina.

10:04 Looks like we’ve crossed over into South Carolina air space now. Getting closer to home.

10:09 The lady behind me says it’s unhealthy for me to be so fixated on the flight tracker. I said it gives me something to focus on, to distract me. She asks what I would need to be distracted from, and I answer from the fact that we are hurdling through the air around 36,000 feet high at 1,000 MPH in a large metal projectile with no parachutes.

She then quietly sat back and hasn’t said another word. I often wonder how many people regret asking me questions. :)

10:20 Getting closer to Georgia. Got just over half an hour now.

10:27 Descending into Atlanta. Attendant says we’re landing in about 20 minutes.

We can make our flight if we haul ass. I really really REALLY don’t want to spend the night in Atlanta.

10:38 Seeing a metric shit-ton of lightning up here. At least we seem to be above most of it.

Supposed to be landing in 10 mins or so …

11:16 Ran like mad to next gate and barely made it. Airport staffer had told us the wrong direction to go to the gate we needed when we got off the plane from D.C. I seriously could have throttled her.

Now waiting to take off for Birmingham.

11:59 Wheeled out to the tarmac and sat … no idea why. About to take off now.

I’m on the way. Home sweet home.

I didn’t take that many pictures, but what few I have are up on my Flickr page.

I’m so glad that tomorrow is Friday. I’m spending it with Jessie, who turned 20 yesterday. Wow, I feel old. LOL

I hope y’all are having a good week! :)

... from DC I love you